Nip Tuck - Bonus Babes: TOFFEE!!!

Episode Date: September 23, 2022

Girls, we are back for another weekly dose of Nip Tuck with our Bonus episode. This is all about you and your issues, especially those embarrassing stories that make us howl. Us girls really struggled to keep it together whilst recording this. Lauren got a traumatic story about her childhood cat, Ashley's fella has a weird obsession with his Dyson fan, plus some hilarious Icks that you guys have been sending in. You can send us a DM, we’re on Instagram and TikTok, find us @niptuckpod.Or you can email [e-mail] GDPR privacy policy was updated on August 8, 2022. Visit acast.com/privacy for more information. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Good morning. It's Friday. It's Friday then. Is this a new thing, Lauren? Okay, well, welcome to the bonus episode, baby, of Nip, Tuck and Not Giving A... Fuck! This is the podcast where we celebrate being positive, aspirational women just like you. This is all about being unapologetically yourself so lauren how's it going i'm in a mood today i can tell you're being absolutely horrible to me i know and i'm trying not to clap back at you not to not to snap i think lucas would have to separate us just can i just tell you my my cat impression what i don't like do you like i think that's really good have you got a cat um are you yeah i had two and then one never came home so it got run over can i hear a funny story can i tell

you a really funny story is it funny or sick both okay so um okay so we used to have a cat my mom used to have a cat and we had her for years and years and years and then my friends were around one day i was maybe like 16 and we went out to the garden we were playing probably not playing at 16 i don't know maybe smoking weed i don't know what we were doing we're doing Something in the garden. Anyway, we looked round the corner and Toffee is dead. Like, dead. Why is this funny?

Like, stiff. Like this. What, like... Yeah, but it had rigor mortis and everything. Yeah, dead. How old? This is just tush. So, I go into my mum and I'm like, Toffee's fucking dead.

So, my mum's like, Toffee's dead. So, we go outside, we get Toffee and she's literally like this. And she's got, like, maggots coming out of her nose. I've not told you the funny bit yet. What's funny about my cat dying? so we got a towel we wrapped her up we went outside

listen listen listen and we my friends were like oh my god they had to get part of it so we did like a funeral because my friends were there so they were like

last minute like quick get in you were the you were the pallbearer are they called pallbearers you carry her right you were the priest so we all went outside

and my mum was like she had her in her arms wrapped up and my friend dug a hole and we stood there and we said a little prayer and mum gave her a little kiss

and I gave her a kiss and she was all maggots and she was like and we buried her and I was just like I can't believe this has even happened so we went to the house

and we were like sharing our favourite moments of Toffee's life and like all the stuff she used to do and then there was like this noise and we were like

what the fuck so we looked under the table and Toffee was there alive and we'd buried someone else's cat and your mum had kissed it my mum kissed it so my mum all of a sudden

went Toffee Toffee and she went oh and it looked the exact same we buried someone's fucking cat so someone's looking for that cat so if you had a torture show

cat about 10 years ago i buried it but we gave it such a lovely funeral and my mum kissed it so and it had rigor mortis and then we all started realizing we only saw that morning it wouldn't have rigor mortis yeah yeah so that takes like two days yeah so the cat had been there and my mum was and toffee was fine i mean she did die eventually but do you remember i'm big brother david's dead oh my god David's dead David's dead David's dead

David's dead oh my god no he is oh shit he is no he's dead now but then he was having a nap and he actually

did look quite dead didn't he I think that was one of my best TV moments shall we watch it again it's me

Jackie Big Brother's coming back is it you be mint on Big Brother I'd be good on that

oh my god do you know what I was watching last night Celebrity S.A.S oh yeah not something I normally watch but I just was I don't really watch

telly and I have to say so far there's a lady an athlete and I've forgotten her bloody name she was really good

on it anyway I'm going to keep watching it okay I'd be terrible on that yeah I can't even do

a PT oh my god why did you have those fucking silly gloves on for your PT I have to wear gloves because she lifts nothing

she had right my hands are sensitive wow so she had these like like weightlifting gloves on now i wear them the most that you would do is like pick up a tin of beans in your living room and do a little mind you wouldn't have beans in your house but um and she's got these gloves on i was like wow picking up some caviar anyway that's it really i don't know how did we get on to this um i just asked you how your week was and then all of a sudden i told the story about a dead cat yeah okay how are you good um can we

Talk about the Kanye West thing. Yeah. So what did Kanye, what did he put up? So on Instagram, he's actually deleted his Instagram. It's got that bad. Someone needed to delete that.

He's lost his fucking marbles. Well, he put at the weekend, Kim has diarrhea, like way more than a normal person. Oh, imagine being poor Kim. No, but can you imagine Kim? You're not seeing the fucking kids. You're not seeing the fucking kids.

You're not seeing saints. And then Chris. Do you want to take that down off Facebook now? And then Chris Jenner is literally like that they're texting thinking how do we how do we okay

she's deal deal this is perfect keep going Kim you need a video of you on the toilet you need to shit your pants and what we're going to do

we're going to bring out a line for people who shit their pants can you imagine can't you damage limitation yeah anyway

has anyone ever sliked you off on social media like your exes I hope yes no so I was thinking about this I was thinking

what would an ex say about me do you know if they were to do that like on a rampage On a rampage. I think they'd say I fart a lot. How much do you remember when our friend,

it happened to her, let me whisper the name. Yes, I knew you were going to say her. It was in COVID and everyone was sat behind their phones. Everyone had nothing to do but looked at it and we were like, oh, juicy. And every hour this guy was clearly drinking more, getting more wilder. Getting more angry and then putting more, yeah.

Putting more on. No one's done that. Do you remember when that guy, this was actually a mean one, put the naked pictures. He logged into her Instagram account and put the naked pictures. Who was that? Was that? yes

yeah yeah it was like full on frontal labia a whole labia was out her whole labia her insides were out yeah are we still gonna get

our labias done or have you gone off the idea now no no no we need to I really think I'm gonna do that yeah I want my bum done first though

and implants do you remember when we used to work at Maya though and they did bum implants and this girl came in and she couldn't sit down and she was lying on her front

and it just put me off forever yeah they're meant to be like horrendous I don't know if you need to bother with that mate I do I've got pancake hearts

you haven't you've got a little bum no I'm not sure. I don't know if I agree with that. Now I'm thin again, it's just like... Yeah, mine's going to go now as soon as I lose weight. That's why I'm in a bad mood as well.

It's annoying. I'm on a diet today, my first day on a diet. Oh, no. I've gained so much fucking weight. No, you've not. Don't start. Hey, if you're big, what am I? Just buy bigger clothes, you're only tiny.

Anyway, I'm on a diet. I'm in a farm mood. Let's move on. I'm trying to think if anyone's ever written anything bad about me on social media. i've said things in group chats that i was meant to say to individual people oh no like what there was this woman at work um and she every day would say my child is sick do you know i know exactly and every day you just be anticipating oh god sick again lauren at one point when he needs to go to hospital and stay there yeah that kid needs checking out because

he's always fucking ill like it was it was like snuffles yeah yeah but this just like pedantic parent anyway and like we had ill kids and i'm saying and it started really making me angry because then it made me feel like then you feel like a bad mom yeah that you leave your kid at home if she's got the snot and i was covering her shit and everything and then um i put one morning i woke up and i put in the group chat oh um let me guess x's kid is ill again but i realized it my heart fell out of my arsehole onto the floor started having palpitations

did you do a Kim Kardashian heart diarrhoea I deleted it but she had already read it and responded he is actually fine today Ashley

I had to leave that workplace yeah so that's what's been going on with us what has been going on with you guys there's always something going on so much fun with you guys

this week we've got a golden egg to share we have squeezed out lauren golden egg so you can send us a dm we're on instagram we're on tiktok at nip tuck pod and you can email us hello at nip tuck pod.com we've been getting the most amazing messages and we're getting more and more i've noticed and we absolutely love them so please don't leave us in the dark tell us share your awful moments your embarrassing stories your dilemmas yeah everything Share your tips, because we have got a fucking cracking tip coming up now, Ash.

Okay. We've spoken about this before. Hold your horses. We have a hack, girls, and it's another iPhone hack. So we shared the location one last time. This one is how to delete a nude slash pictures from someone's phone via WhatsApp. so say i've sent lauren a picture of my head shoulders knees and toes you actually sent me a picture of your tits in our group chat like the other days ago so they're still should we practice

it let's practice it okay so about three days ago ashley sent me some pics of her milky tits um and we love an iphone hack so this is an iphone this is an iphone hack so what we're gonna do is we're gonna delete it now so ashley go on your phone yeah yeah change the date on your phone yeah to like i don't know a week ago two weeks ago to before you sent the titty pics yeah okay now go on our whatsapp conversation where your titty pics are yeah delete for everyone the titty pics yeah yeah okay now go back onto your settings please yeah change back to today's date get it right yeah okay let me look at the chat they've gone the titty pics have gone right so basically this is for like say you were seeing a guy and then you got the ick or you got ghosted

and you'd sent him you know a few little nipples here and there you already sent him your full full labia spread a picnic of a labia girls that's how to delete them in two minutes so they will get rid of them and then as long as they've not saved them if they've saved them men gross gross okay so we've just said men are disgusting but actually women sometimes are so i asked my boyfriend any ics that him and his friends had because i'm trying to do this thing as i said last time where we also balance it out um and he sent me a voice note explaining an ic from one of his friends we're not going to say who it was so we've got a voice note here he was shagging his bird once and what does she keep doing she's going oh that's mint oh that's mint

that's mint oh mate that's mint oh mate that's mint wow i don't even know what to say to that if that was you darling even you wouldn't do that i wouldn't even do that if that was you babes you need to uh relocate to australia but maybe that that's like um her thing what no that's mint what she says mint you're like I say it oh baby yeah but it's like

that's like do you no I say it every day oh right okay so that but then I say

things like unreal would you oh that's unreal five star five star review five star review oh that's sick

no what would you say oh my god oh this is getting weird I don't even know what I say so yeah girls can be

fucking icky as well that's it that's ick that is ick disgusting does your boyfriend is he obsessed with a fan

having a fan in the room at night what the fuck is this about I feel like it's the new pandemic what men being obsessed

with having fans men but I think that it's because they're still babies and it's a white noise thing do you think yeah

so they need a fan yeah yeah and I said to Ed last night I was like turn that fan off

and he couldn't and he was like kept getting all funny about not turning it off yeah and like wherever we go he has to take not hand fan if you say a hand fan wherever we go he has to take the dyson fan with him wow so last time we went to cumbria to visit his family are you ready no you're ready for the funniest bit we pull out of like the services and i hadn't shut the boot from I've never seen a man move so fast My son

He left me in the Shells in the car And he runs Picking Dyson shrapnel All over the motorway Like a lunatic You can imagine You and the child are in the car

And he's there like And he's like stopping traffic All the men are like no it's his fan stop guys it's his fan all the women were like I don't get it

and all the men were like stop he's fucking fun oh my god it's his fan let him go then we get home and like he literally ditches me and the kids in the car

walk straight into the house with the fan checking it's working I was like can anybody help me here PC World I need help can anybody help

I've got a Dyson here I've got a Dyson it's going it's going a responsive Dyson in the car park of Corrie's World

if anyone's boyfriend or husband is also obsessed with the fucking fuck fans only fans it's fans sorry if you didn't hear that noise that was actually opening a tinny um the picture i've got he's also relating to my boyfriend do you want to know what he's doing describe what you can see so he's someone squirted up there no he stood on the bed

and he's he's got a t-shirt can you tell what he's doing he's wafting around the holes no what he's doing he's got

a t-shirt in his hand and he's fly swatting I said to him that's the ickiest thing I've ever seen you do he's jumping on the bed like fucking Tarzan and he was literally like

come here you fucker and then he was like this trying to whack that's another man thing that's a man trying to whack I got you I got you

so in our house whenever Saskia finds like a dead fly like little things she'll go well Ed needs to get that when he

gets home because she knows that he'll enjoy it yeah stand back yeah yeah yeah stand back girls I've got this

and then they get it no his obsession is he's actually swatting it so you'll see him how many wasps are there this year by the way

I've seen those little midget things though okay guys thank you so much for those contributions thanks Lauren thanks me too

um thanks for coming in you can like i said get in touch on our instagram at nip tuck pod we literally love hearing from you we are with our producer lucas in the studio for like an hour before the episode literally reading through the shit crying right here's lauren with our dilemma of the week baby dilemma of the week dilemma of the week okay so dilemma of the week um lucas has had an idea producer lucas that we i do a different genre of singing every week we're going to run out really quick so i'll try it for a while so today we're going to do opera charlotte church love that bitch so the dilemma this week it's short and sweet to be honest that um which i like

Not in a man though Not in an underpants Not in a man Not in his undies Okay I have spotted my friend's boyfriend on Raya Oh who is he? He has a known dirtbag

And she will never leave him Is there any point in me telling her? No I wouldn't Would you? Right I wouldn't If it was like

Red card So if I'd have given her the yellow card As in Heads up girl I've heard Through the grapevine Or I've seen Or you've always got her ringing like

I've heard he's done this He's meant to have done that But then it's you That gets in trouble In the end And you'll be Thought of as like The grass

And it's Yeah Okay my idea He's very brazen Okay so I always say About these types of things Never blow your load

Find out more information first And get him So like Pushed into a corner That he can't deny shit So personally Screenshots Receipts

Yeah So I would go to the friend And say listen He's on Raya I know you're not interested but I've got an idea if you want to try and this would be like

my last fucking attempt I wouldn't be doing this all the time if you want to try and catch him out fully so that you can't go back on this so then

I feel like this type of girl though is the type of girl that goes what Johnny's on rare and then it's fine again Johnny you're on rare

and then we've lost our chance to fuck Johnny over okay so maybe we don't tell Johnny yet maybe what we do this is kind of going

behind the back maybe whoever's on raya to have seen johnny on there johnny's the pretend name so everyone with a boyfriend called johnny don't start fucking smashing him around the head i fucking knew it johnny this is a fake name so whoever saw johnny on there we get them to message johnny we get so much information that johnny cannot back out we get him to send pictures we get it a date organized we go so far that johnny cannot get out of this then we give the information we need someone to be invested though that is her friend that much that like wants to take it i don't know i don't

know that only she knows that but i potentially would go to the friend and say look seeing johnny on raya uh obviously probably gonna do nothing about it but i was thinking we could do this because he's gonna deny it and deny like he has every other time let's get proper proof this time and use this as an advantage to catch johnny out yeah and then she'll still get back with johnny so she'll and then you and then you'll have to go on them double dates where you can't look johnny in the eye ever again or you'll all go on a night out and you'll always hate johnny sounds like a wet lattice anyway yeah but we've all been there um but yeah that's what i think i think you should speak to her about it and give her the opportunity to catch johnny out once and for all would you

tell her though or would you wouldn't would you you just be like fuck it johnny's i think like i said if i just so many seed around manchester already yeah if if i just told her before like because we have all been in that circumstance where you've got solid proof and i'm like i've even said to my friends i saw your boyfriend kissing someone or leaving with someone in a nightclub and then it ends up that i get turned into the psycho bitch that's jealous of their relationship and i'm making something up yeah yeah and there is that risk like it depends how good a friend she is to you if she's just an acquaintance then fuck it don't get involved in people's business but i do think as well though in every situation even if you know that you're

probably going to be the one that comes out bad you should do what your gut tells you you should do what you think is the right thing and if that means that you you know you come out or don't sit on it and you come out as the victim uh not the victim sorry what's the word well you become the victim you become the what is it scapegoat yeah even if that's the case you should be able to sleep at night and i always live by this you should be able to go to sleep at night and think well i did what i thought was the right thing so if you think that you need to tell her and you might then get yourself in shit you've done what you thought was the best thing yeah okay guys so Remember, on Nip Tuck, we want you.

We want you to get your voices heard. You can send us a DM. We're on Instagram and we're on TikTok. Find us at Nip Tuck Pod. Or alternatively, you can email hello at niptuckpod.com. Wait a minute. What? I've just had a DM that could change my life.

Like, genuinely. I've just had it come through right now. I'll tell you next week. Oh, that's me. It's all me!