Nip Tuck - Bonus Babes: Your Husbands A Marigold Melt

Episode Date: February 10, 2023

The girls dive into another pile of your icks/ dilemmas and funny stories. Ashley & Lauren also try to share some of their deep dark secrets from their teenage years, which kept Producer Lucas busy with the censor bleep.To get involved with the show, you can send us a DM on Instagram and TikTok, find us @niptuckpod.Or you can email [e-mail] can send us your Icks & Dilemma's via Whatsapp! You can text or voice note the girls on [phone] Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

hello and welcome to nip tuck ashley's doing a tiktok with a fucking donut bonus my boy bonus baby this is the podcast where we stop pushing donuts at me this is the podcast where we celebrate being positive ask for it and what are you going to do with that chocolate finger now no you are not putting it she's stuck there with my fingers on my booty she's got chocolate fingers and i can see her mind ticking and thinking where am i going to wipe these and she's looking at me put it on lucas's jacket i've trumped on already you two did you used to do this when you were younger if you sat next to someone that you really hated yeah like put a v on your fingers and put it on your chin on it like what what oh your mom would go don't swear and you'd

like i'm not i always used to do it this is how much of a cock i was when i was younger don't say the other word cool nice to recover to teachers that didn't like you to sit there like that

yeah with your middle finger up what was the naughtiest thing you did at school I did loads of naughty things

at school one of them I just couldn't fucking ever say what it was at school disco I can never say it

you got bummed didn't you I didn't get bummed it's one I can never say that I can tell you mine off mic that's quite a

standard thing to do right so lucas has just confirmed he got anyway what is the what was the question what's the naughtiest thing you've ever done at school um i once so what i used to do is my mum used to give me five pounds for the school for my bus and for my lunch and i used to use a little bit of it for the bus by five yeah and then i used i didn't eat didn't eat at all no i would use two pounds one pound because fags were two pounds at the time two pound fifty for ten yes so i used to know i used to get still i used to get um lmb silver which i still do to this day um so yeah we um i would go hard with my friend and then we would i would save it up throughout the week an extra

pound to get some cider at the weekend and i would use the last two pounds on the sunbed right the color of me i was like a mahogany table my fucking mom never caught and i was mahogany i was that brown and the sunbeds at 14 15 would let me on girls don't go on the sunbed i still go on them a couple of times but my skin's fucked from it i swear that's what's ruining my skin anyway i did that and then once i at lunchtime got someone to go into the shop for me got really pissed um on cider down the local park and went back to school pissed out my head i was quite naughty at school once but it was on gin it was like when you know like your mum and dad had that booze yes random yes i used to down gone off booze yeah and we used to yeah yeah i once sucked all the liqueur

out of a full box of chocolates thinking it'd get me a few times and every no let's not go down this room no okay no i wasn't people get in touch so okay anyway lucas is always keeping us in so we've had to just we've just had to get rid of a load of stuff that was inappropriate anyway on nip tuck we want you to get your voice heard so you can email us at hello at nip tuck pod dot you can send over your ics and dilemmas as well via whatsapp as you know so your voice notes your messages stories dirty things tell us tell us it all because really we just don't give so send over what you want and don't give a fuck with us okay ash what read the first listener's message hello ladies hello i've recently started listening to your podcast since i found you on

instagram on the green blue tick isn't it your podcast is my life at the moment i'll stop i'm going through a bit of a hard time and you two ladies are getting me through my days oh i have listened to season one and season two back to back in the last two weeks do you know what i think that's the best way to do it because you don't it's great just to nip in and but if you need to hear our stories from the beginning because then you get the jokes that's such a nice message she literally has just said that we're amazing and she loves us well i like her then um that's amazing if you're going through a hard time that shit i'm sorry and it will get better because i've been through about a million and i've probably got loads more to come life is a roller coaster

Just gotta ride it There you go And that's how That's how I need you And all that jazz Anyway Our ADHD

Is booting right off Anyway Next Self diagnosed Hi girls Love the pod Thank you for being So honest and relatable

Anytime I'm currently sat At my desk Cracking it up Yes bitch That's the way to do it Get paid to listen What?

Get paid to listen Who does that? This girl what she's getting she's not ready yet stop reading ahead of me jeez i'm currently sat at my desk cracking up after what just happened and had to share it with you i love now that something funny happens and i like let's tell the girls thank you okay i'm a secondary school teacher oh naughty mrs jones and was listening to the wednesday's pod on my commute in we have a whole staff briefing every friday morning as the head teacher is speaking and oh i've accidentally

oh i press play on my home screen and it's playing on the pod out loud just so happened to be at the park where lauren says a book about surely not a book about how to give good blow jobs shit i've never flinched so quickly in my life trying to pause it i don't think the whole room heard but the table that i was sat at most definitely did and the 70 year old english teacher looked at me puzzled she should be retired by now and i looked at me puzzled and almost choked trying to figure out if he'd heard right what a way to start my weekend never a dull moment lots of love someone messaged me

saying this had happened to her in a lift she'd had her pods in and they'd come off somehow and it started playing out and she didn't know they had

because you just think you're still listening to the same don't you and then everyone started looking at her and she clocked on well everyone should just listen

then it wouldn't be a fucking problem would it do you remember that video that used to go around but it was a normal video and then half of it

goes do you know James sends me them he's so childish like three times a week and I'll be sat there and I'll be reading it and then all of a sudden

you'll hear it like like at school when you were on MSN Messenger and that exorcist would come out of it. Oh, yeah. And you'd shit yourself.

I know, they really scared me. Yeah, I send them to my mum. And do you know which one I always send to my mum when I get her every fucking time? The man with the huge penis. Barry. And you scroll down.

Barry. Is that what he's called? I get her when it's snowing. It looks like a snow picture and you click it and there's a massive dick. I get her every fucking time. Brilliant.

And she replies just like, she's so over it now. She replies like, good one. grow up right listen at x i've got seven week old baby and i'm just gonna have a bite to go to tk max there's some good shite in there in the donut or in tk max in both i've got poo fingers too now whilst there i get a phone call from my partner telling me that the baby's gone for a massive poo and it's coming all out of his nappy and it smells awful well hello welcome to motherhood

first part of the ick he called me to tell me this and i just if she wipes her shitty hands on my jacket i swear to god right so sorry you've just been reading that punch people lucas he just threw his tissues at me right so ashley's reading this story i'm sat on lucas's jacket long story and i've got my fingers full of donut and he's ashley's reading out he's looking at me i'm looking at him and i'm like this i agree i'm gonna wipe it on his jacket basically you're so right this girl what she's done is she's gone out to have a nice Saturday afternoon

by yourself in TK Maxx and her husband's rango going the baby's done his shit and it stinks what do I do now oh grow up

right do you know what Ed did to me on Saturday change your own fucking napping do you know what he did he left the house at 7am

do you know what time he came home 7pm oh that's a full 12 hour shift on a Saturday when I have the kids do you know how

fucking mental I was that's your time your mummy time mummy time well I'll tell you what I needed a mummy wine after that

a mummy wank and a mummy wine Literally. I need a mummy wank back in a minute. Okay, so first part of the ick, he called me to tell me that and he just left him sat in the shit whilst on the phone. Second part, he calls me again and asks me to get snacks

because that's done him in and he's traumatised. I then get home, no snacks in tow because I don't get bought snacks every time I clear up shit. I'd be the size of a house if that was the case. And my marigolds are on the floor in the bedroom. He's used the fucking gloves to change his own son's nappy. Yeah, that's such a man thing to do. What an absolute fucking melt.

But I bet he wouldn't mind if his dick was going to... You and Ash have just thought the exact same thing. I bet he wouldn't mind touching your shit if his fingers were going up. If his dick was... Right, do you know what? Bell-end. His belly-end. Do you know what?

That really pisses me off, that. Menace. Right, I will say one thing, though, and I don't know her situation, but... James is really good. He is, but no, that's not what I'm going to say. Seven-week-old baby, so she hasn't had that time. What I will say is, you make your bed, you're lying it. if from the very beginning

you allow them one of my friends messaged the other day in the group and said her partner just changed one of his first nappies they've got two kids

I was like what you shouldn't have let this happen from the beginning you set your scene if you let them get away with it then they're gonna

get away with it because I would as well someone says do you want to not do it this is what I have always done with Ed always tell them that blow dries

cost £50 and nails cost £50 from the beginning and then you and that they take like five hours right okay so I always go

I should get my nails done first you need someone who's going to pay for it so the first problem here is you need someone who's going to pay for your nails and then you tell them

it's £50 I'm struggling with the first bit right okay so I'm just going for a blow dry and I take the £50 and I go and I get an iced coffee

and you just really treat yourself and I go and I peruse around Aldi and TK Maxx I would love to let you have a wander I'm actually going to Aldi I go and sit

and eat my McDrive through with a bang enjoy yourself and then you go back with your new hair. Exactly. Okay.

And I'm 30 quid up. Yeah, I think, yeah, you need to just, yeah, twat. Hi girls, obsessed with the pod. I have a two in one ick for my boyfriend.

Okay. When he goes out drinking, his drink of choice is rum and coke. I'm drinking rum and rum. I like that song. Which I have no problem with

until the next morning because for some reason it makes his lips go bright. Sore and dry. then they go all flaky for a couple of days after and it makes me cringe so badly he's drinking something else girl he's eating arse

he's eating arse he's drinking rum and then eating arse he's got arse herpes you've taken it one step too far he's eating acidic arsehole and Ashley hates acidic you must find an alkaline arsehole

we only have alkaline arsehole mine's alkaline send him my way anyway he spends most of the night telling me he loves me and trying to kiss me

oh my god that's so cute telling everyone we see that he loves me I'm beautiful blah blah blah blah blah this might sound nice but it's smothering

because he's clingy it's so he smothers her and he's got I don't like being smothered and he's got sore red lips off rum can I just say

with I only learnt this a few weeks ago but rum gives you one of the worst hangovers that you can ever, ever get because the darker the alcohol, the worse your hangover is. Is that true?

I didn't know that. I believe, I've been told tequila, like, which one is it? The expensive one? Don Julio. Don Julio. Red wine's a hangover from hell. So is white wine.

Yeah, you don't get a hangover with tequila, but the only thing is that you only are allowed to drink tequila. And the problem is you start on that. And after you've had three shots of tequila, yeah then I'll have a wine I'll have a fucking because everyone knows

that first wine hits yeah yeah whereas a tequila so this is the problem I've had I've tried to drink less wine because it just fucks me up yeah but you want to be fucked up

yeah but then I so I started like on more spirits but the problem is then I don't feel it and then bam I can't walk

yeah I'm the same but I've just discovered you like a white wine as well don't you I do like a white wine 19 Crimes oh yeah I've heard that before

do you know why I like that because I like the I like the bottle Right and it's only a tenner I haven't been drinking I haven't been out I just haven't I've not been out

I just haven't been out But I do enjoy A Sunday afternoon Little glass of wine I like a roast And a glass of wine Yeah Anyway

Next one Listener's dilemma White claw seltzers They are But do you get Twatted off them No I can't And I'm on the toilet

All night I'm on the toilet Weeing all night Lucas is saying That white claw seltzers Other brands are available Other brands are available No

Ed's sister owns one High water Well can you get pissed off it You've had them at my house before And how many do you have to drink to get pissed Like 20 fucking cans And what kind of piss Because I'm on my second now and it's not even touching the sides

That's what he said Yeah it's a big fat donut Okay next one Oh it's a male one It's a male one I love the male ones much more than everything else Wait can I just tell you something What

the song oh my god I've seen the fucking song before now Lauren's chatting shit but a male fan

and he was straight came over to me in the Trafford Centre unusual I loved it you talk shit anyway dilemma of the week dilemma of the week

hi girls hi I have a penis I listen to the pod in the car whilst driving my passenger princess girlfriend around

and I think it's great hearing everyone's stories some more than others he didn't like the chair leg now so i thought i'd drop a question of my own okay my girlfriend and i have been together almost two years and we're very settled and comfortable we're best friends and we were that way almost immediately after we first met i get that so do you poo in front of each other we have ups and downs throughout as everyone does but nothing major silly arguments like an old married couple

which i think is normal anyway for context i've never cheated in my life that's something else see it uh nor would i ever i was cheated on by my first girlfriend ah he's scarred red flag i'm joking i'm joking i'm joking i'm joking and she would never cheat as she's been cheated on before so she gets it okay so neither of you are going to cheat however oh i'm starting to find that she doesn't have much of a life outside of our relationship and depends on me for a lot of weekend plans and general entertainment we see each other at the weekend as i'm working during the week and sometimes it puts a lot of pressure on things which wouldn't be an issue if she just had her own circle of friends to hang with i think this is pretty common i love spending time with

them but sometimes after work i just want my own time alone at the weekends to decompress relax hang with the guys i think as a girl who just enjoys quality time and attention from a man she takes this as a sign that i don't want to be with her and i'm going off etc and at least unnecessary stress on her part and she often worries about me being up to something when i'm not i've tried telling her to get a hobby to occupy her time there's always some excuse don't have time too tired don't need one but i know it would do us both good if she invested her time into something else as at the moment

she's just too invested in the relationship if that makes sense what advice do you have from a girl's point of view I'm an actually very blunt person and I tell her

she's been too dependent and clingy and needs more going on in her life but this is often mistaken for being mean should she make more effort to build a life

outside the relationship yes absolutely my question here if you think it's hard now wait till you've fucking got a kid yeah

she won't let you out she won't let you out you'll be a prisoner any friends that I've got that have got partners and kids and they're that kind of person they don't want you

to go out Me and Ed I think Like this relationship Obviously There was a part Where we weren't together For three years

Ah that part Where you went And had another child Yes yes With someone else Very odd I know But Everyone forget

You know when everyone Digs on me for relationships Like oh here's another one Ashley split up with Ed Got fucking pregnant And engaged And came back And got with him

No one cares about that Just You've got Pick on Ashley Just oh Lauren All the boyfriends Ashley got Had a fucking kid

And came back Anyway so i've been diversion i've been with ed really for like 12 years now and i can honestly say like it's because we've got our own lives and our own shit going on that it works so well like literally all like what we do on a sunday afternoon when we are sat together is i go right what few got on this week and what i got on and he goes well i got a golf with him on this day with her and i go right that's fine i've got tea on this day and then that's it yeah and as well we never see each other so we don't argue i think what i'm interested in is what she was like

before you has she but why does she have no friends no well this is what i'm asking did she know did she have loads of friends and then because of you she's kind of isolated herself or has she never really had anyone i think you you've said yourself you're quite blunt i think you have to be very careful with i hate i hate touchy people but you have to be quite careful i know with like touchy people so what i would do is i'd sit down and i'd have a chat with her and try and explain it in the best way you can in the nicest way and just say i want this to work and i want you to be the best version of yourself i also hate that i hate that we're just gonna change this girl but listen sounds like give her a chance give her a chance and i think you need to speak to her and

say you need more out there like for you no you have to you have to spin it she needs more out there she needs to do a little bit more because otherwise i get what you're saying the pressure is too much i like you my partner to be busy as well and also what do you talk about otherwise like i'll ring james and we'll be like what have you done now this is going on that's going on what you're meant to do if there's nothing else going on except the two of you tell her to download the tiktok app hours of fun that's really unhelpful anyway um we've not helped him no she's not the girl for you i'm sorry yeah you might be right she's not is she not very outgoing yeah no maybe she's not very outgoing what do you think lucas i would if she doesn't do stuff herself why don't

you both go no because he's not her dad he should yeah your response when you meet someone right it should not be of course we all pull each other along we help each other we add to each other's lives we encourage each other but your job and i've learned this the hard way is not to fix anyone rescue anyone get anyone 20 grand your job is not to do that help anyone's cocaine addiction that is not your job I've got a funny story so there's this pub in Knutsford

and it's an absolute dive it's called The White Bear right sorry to the owners of The White Bear and

there are other awful pubs there are awful listen to this Ed you spend so much time in there and he went only men are allowed in

and I believed him I believed him for years and then Megan you know she lives on my road she was like oh when

our family's done they love going in The White Bear and I went well how the fuck do you get in it's from me and she was like

that's illegal oh my god do something like that yeah that's a good idea why don't you do something that says no girls are allowed also lads need lad time

girls need girl time and as well this is the other thing I think when you become so focused into into the relationship when you don't have outsiders

she's pecking you don't see outsiders point of view and you can get very obsessed so say you do something mildly irritating if she hasn't got the girls to go to

fucking piss me off when he did that and then they'll be like yeah my boyfriend does that and you're like ah well I'm over it she's going to pick at you pick, pick, pick

but you want to talk about your eyelash extensions and your tan you just need your girl mates I'm interested if she's always been like this my concern is maybe she isn't for you

because you sound like you want your own time life gets more boring as you get older yeah so she's going to get worse my main advice is that you you speak to her

but you have to be so careful how you phrase it because she's clearly going to be like meh you're me and also two years isn't that long of being together

but he clearly loves her it's just this yeah it's just this little problem just this major issue Lucas's idea is that you all go out together which completely

defeats the fucking object no like go to a thing where there's group like you know oh like introduce you to his couple mates or like a couples thing and then she's gonna

make her friends she'll be like oh I'm just gonna do a thing with the girls no Ed knows me so well I don't get on with any of really his

I think he's got friends she's got friends but she's just not choosing to hang with them because she's so obsessive about it it's like you're gonna have to say it in a

really nice way and you're gonna have to say you need more time for yourself because you just put it on her and how it's going to help her can't you just be honest with her it has and she just she can't handle it she's aggy as fuck she's annoying she's annoying she's a fan of the podcast oh she's lovely you should stay with her she's a good woman keep a good woman hey one thing one thing i will say she ain't gonna cheat on you and she's not gonna go anywhere and do anything so maybe keep her because like as the years to come.

She's not going to fuck you over because she doesn't like anyone. Life is a rollercoaster just got to ride it. Oh no, no. Oh no, no.

Oh, I love you. Oh, I really got into that. Woo! Guys, basically. I've got an impression. Stop, stop. Close your eyes,

both of you. Close your eyes. Who am I? You say it best when you say nothing at all. Ronan Keating. Is that a good

impression? You say it best. Do you know, I've met Ronan Keating before because Rainbow's Christening, he performed What did he sing?

He sang all of the above songs A smile on your face Yeah, and he was amazing I think I'm very good at it Anyway, remember on Nip Tuck we want you to get your voices heard You can email us at hello at niptuckpod.com

for some more horrendous advice You can also get in touch via WhatsApp that that means voice notes which we can play out in future episodes don't worry though if you prefer to remain anonymous we will still make it really clear by saying certain things so everyone knows who you are by mistake um yeah if you want some bad advice come at us bro simply head over to this episode's description for more information and please don't forget to give us a glowing give us rating five star review for our crap advice our honest opinions which are terrible a review for a poop