Nip Tuck - Bop It 2

Episode Date: May 10, 2022

Okay, back on to sex.... you guys lapped up our 'sex files' episode and we had so many requests for more that we couldn't let you down.So we're back with Bop It round 2, DING DING.We're talking about what makes good sex good, what makes bad sex bad and of course plenty of hilarity in between, you're gonna love it.Make sure to follow @ntngaf, Ashley @thecosmeticconsult and Lauren @laurenelizabeth_xx on Instagram and give us a little review if you loved the podcast too. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

hi guys I'm Ashley and I'm Lauren and welcome back to nip tuck and not giving a fuck oh my god we're back we're back this week we're recording at my house so it might sound shy um I mean hopefully it's gonna sound shy I don't know if it sounds good though it means that like it makes do this yeah it makes things a lot easier for us especially as I'm a mom of two now oh my god she's had do you know what let me just tell you something so I walked in before I've not seen ashley since she had teddy because i'm a busy bitch and i knew i was seeing her anyway and i've been working anyway i walked in and i was really looking forward to like a wine and a coffee and a ketchup i fully forgot she'd had him totally forgot he existed until i saw the crib but i was

like shit you've had a baby where is it and he's not here anyway no i mean i would have liked to have seen him but i'm not gonna like they don't do so boring they don't do you know i found the picture the other day of thea holding saskia oh when she was like newborn yeah yeah and you can tell it's saskia it's weird like it looks like her um but anyway i've not seen teddy will i see him today um yeah i can like i'm not wheel him out but like i wouldn't mind like just like a look a picture maybe yeah he does look like ed doesn't he so yeah i've had a baby you've had a baby like wow okay two weeks ago um yeah you look fucking insane i mean my face definitely doesn't but um no sleep so i brought him a week early oh my god right this was just really irritating so she was

just fully losing there was clinical need it wasn't clinical need we made up clinical need to get him to come soon to get it arranged i've had enough she was yeah you were weird yeah yeah well ed said like you've lost the plot um no but he was ready to come out because they said when they brought him out they were like oh you had like no water left and his head was like fully down how much did he weigh um six pounds nine so small so small so yeah he came a week early so i've not my night nanny doesn't start till monday so i've had to do things on my own oh my god so me and ashley had a conversation this morning because like we just bicker and we were we're in a group chat and we're organizing this today she's like how long have you got and i was

i was saying i've got like two hours but i've got to rush and i actually am and anyway i'll tell you after so i did have to rush and then i was like i haven't got a nanny sorry i haven't had a nanny for two weeks actually and i was like fucking brilliant i'll get you a mug with world's best mom no it's been hard how's it been yeah like has it been hard are you saying that no like at night it's hard how often is he getting up every 90 minutes what yeah like but it's not like crying it's like that cat noise that they make you know um and boys as well like to change they're nappy it's a lot more effort yeah they've got balls and you clean the balls yeah and they shit a lot more do they because they eat loads they're just greedy is he different to sass in

any other way or just i can't remember when he right this is what i actually want and you have to tell the truth you have to tell the truth go on when he came out did you love him as much as sasuke straight away yeah yeah yeah you actually did yeah see my friend said that with her second she loved it because it's her baby but she didn't love it the same because she'd had four years of the other one she was like oh no like do you know i know her like you do no you do and then when you see how much the other baby loves the baby it's really cute i don't know if i'm gonna have another i think you should i don't think i want to we'll just freeze your eggs and then like i'm gonna take the pressure off yeah i'm gonna give it a year yeah and i'm gonna freeze the fuckers yeah

because it just takes so much pressure off you that and and like you can do what you want with them yeah and if i want to have one later on then i can have one on my own if i want i don't know i just don't know whether i don't know now you didn't come past it cannot be asked it is hard like i must say like once they get like three or four and then having a newborn again you're like yeah this is the thing and i struggle as you know with one yeah like with with everything so anyway i'm not i've not got a boyfriend so well no this is the only reason why i had this one there was terms and conditions in place absolutely i was like if i'm having another baby i need help because didn't have much help yeah that's what i feel like if i do it again you know but you know how hard it

is yeah i'm not doing it and you know how much help you need so yeah i probably will get slagged off for having a night nanny but so tell me what a night now i'd have one if i could people slide people i've got you telling me when you're knackered you wouldn't have one well you go mental yeah you got you actually go mental like okay so there is all this stuff about postnatal depression and all of this me and my mum were talking about it but if you've got someone put a minimum of two stone on them yeah and then woke them up every 90 minutes throughout the night you're telling me that they wouldn't just automatically lose the fart because we were like well obviously it's a thing imagine every hour and a half you poked them with a stick and

then shat on them with your balls with your little boy balls of course they're gonna go mental you're right you know so you're fat you're ugly yeah you've had no sleep you've had an operation potentially you can't just go out on a bender because you've got a baby and someone pokes you every hour and a half

do you know what that's fair that's like Chinese torture it is and do you know people like say oh night nanny and I'll be honest

I wouldn't want one all the time because I actually don't have it all the time it's three nights a week so three nights full night sleep you need three nights

wow the difference that would have made to my life I agree so I've got her and she starts on Monday and she comes 9pm

till 6am okay um so I can just sleep and then I've got another one her name's Lisa Clegg have you heard she's the baby book oh she's the one who wrote the yellow yeah so that book and not that I you know me I'm not very mumsy but I was told to read that book when Theo was quite newborn and I read it and I'll be honest a few of the things in there really helped me one of them said don't try and put your baby into a routine until they're like six weeks something because there's this fucking yeah so that kind of thing like reassured me and i yeah i i like the book well she's meant to be

incredible and you've got actual her she's coming to stay with me actual her is coming to stay i was like oh my god it's like a celebrity person so the idea of having a nanny quite like it but the idea of someone staying in my home i hate people in the house so you're very hospitable i'm not she'll be in here in the playroom and then he'll be in that so she's sleeping here they don't sleep they're awake what they're not here to sleep they're awake the night nanny doesn't go to sleep what she stays oh my god i thought she slept next to the baby just got no it's like a night shift wow that's really interesting actually i thought that she would be asleep and go and get up no she doesn't she stays awake my friend told me and like

but then i think lisa because she is the sleep trainer she'll sleep yeah and wake up like as when she needs to but at the beginning it's called a night nurse and she's awake and she'll like write down how many is it expensive 120 pounds a night oh my god i would have paid that i'm gonna be honest yeah listen i couldn't have afforded it three times a week but i would have paid like once a week probably would have paid that in that desperation time you have to like the mistakes that you make like when you're like like the amount of clothes have shrunken do you not think as well right that as women my mum always says this first of all in childbirth yeah we are just expected yeah to crack on with this definitely agonizing pain yeah right in the older days men

in ships whatever get the legs cut off with a bottle of vodka didn't they yeah yeah does that happen now no no no has childbirth changed no no we're still expected to do that i must say though the portland was yeah well that's so this is how things are changing and then i think after having the child you just expect it to be depressed and tired yeah well you don't have to anymore no no no i financially of course no but we've taken that decision of instead of going on like a six grand holiday absolutely yeah are we gonna pay for a night nanny instead yeah one thing i will say about you you don't go on big holidays i don't because i just find it such a waste of money I'm the opposite it's the only thing I do spend money on but I'm I spend more than you a

year on holidays like when we look back and we get back off holiday it's like oh that costs that much I'm like oh really see I'm like those memories like either way you do what you want me and Ed would rather go away on our own and have a blowout because we both work hard I do both anyway don't I yeah well you do it all yeah um I do it all we are talking today about um sex but yeah we've had like a little bit of a catch-up no we haven't had enough of one what about the portland okay it was fucking unreal i need to tell you something about this but you've caused such a stir within my friendship group why so not like in a in a bad way but people saying what the fuck how is she paying that that's a waste of money absolutely not i don't i i'm on

your side actually and i'd tell you if i wasn't yeah and then people say no i kind of get it and i've been like they've not been like nasty yeah no like what yeah the main thing i heard was you you get the same baby at the end of it and i was like no no that's because you've been conditioned to think childbirth's horrific and it should be this no if you can afford it it's and that's the thing it's affordability and i'm not saying that you've just got it sat there but you made a choice to pay for that and i had low quite a few friends like what the hell and you get the same baby at the end what you get an afternoon tea is it worth and i'm like no it's the whole so i got three three nights full sleep

yeah that's one thing so they come in to the room at half eight and they say do you want him in the nursery tonight they take him away

yeah fuck him off yeah and they give him back to me I think it was about 7am the next day so I got three full nights after having an operation

yeah it's invaluable can you imagine having an operation and then them giving you a baby this is the thing and it's like childbirth

I went through like what 12 hours of agony then I had a section and then I got a baby dumped on me all night and your partner wasn't allowed to stay no

and they wouldn't have anyway yeah and then I was dumped with a baby yeah as if that's normal it's not normal it's not I agree also when we because I can compare both because I've done it both I had one at Wythenshawe and one at Portland so lives are changed in between exactly so um what happened at the Portland was completely different so a midwife would come in every three or four hours and she'd be like right get up I'm taking you to the toilet um here's your medication whereas was it within short was ring the bell if you start to feel in pain yeah and then it'll probably take another two hours yeah after you've rang the bell and we may have forgotten about you and it's not the end it's not their fault it's just how it's because they are so understaffed and the women

that work there are absolutely amazing you can do they can only do what they can do with the women when i looked at it and broke it down i was like right okay so there's one two i think it was 18 so one midwife for 18 women yeah and at the Portland it was like one to six

wow and I feel sorry for the midwives that they have to because they want to do the best job as well probably well it's not just 18

it's 18 babies as well Jesus yeah crazy so what else like because my friend's like what is worth that we got to put our own music on

when the baby was coming out that's cute yeah do you know I thought afterwards it just looked like you were sat in like

a cosy environment you had your little pizza takeaway it was so ed was there holding teddy and then you got your night's sleep and it just seemed luxurious yeah and why shouldn't it be exactly if you can yeah if you can and if you can't like don't worry you're right you still get the same baby to be fair it wasn't it was all right the midwives as well were really really like they had time to have a chat with you and like they showed me how to do certain things that i wouldn't have thought of doing it's just is it Like, more of an experience.

I had a physio. I was saying that to her. I was like, she had the physio, the food afterwards, you know, that kind of thing. I'll show you the menu. I'll put a picture on the menu. We had a bottle of Dom Perignon when we got back to the room. See, this is, I mean, and then again, you're like,

well, does this really add up to 20-odd thousand? I don't know. Yeah. I don't know, but whatever. I'd do it if I had it, okay? Yeah. That's all. Me and Ashley haven't eaten today, by the way.

No. And we're drinking wine. right so basically um i've got a really funny story to tell you tell us so i was doing a q a on instagram um mate are you ready to put your seat belts on i can and um i i was over nine months pregnant at the time bored as fuck and i was gonna say q and a well it was like a sunday morning i didn't have saskia so i'd rubbed oil all over my big whale body big veiny body yeah um and i just like i didn't even have knickers on i was fully naked anyway we'll get to the point in a second and someone was like

where do you get your sunglasses from so i went and i picked a pair of sunglasses three hours went on i'm going about normal life fame's been in the bottom of my hand and shout out alicia one of my very good followers thanks alicia replied back and went babe the reflection but it was from a low angle so you can see my big tits big nipples my big saggy tits my big nipples my tummy there was light reflecting off bits sorry i deleted it but it on instagram you even though people say you can't check how many times something's been shared you can still and it had been shared a good few hundred times and no one had messaged me would you message someone i would lauren that's horrible no especially when they're pregnant like

That's just me. I would definitely screenshot it. How many group chats was I in, guys? Right, so if anyone's screenshot it, we're not going to judge. Please send it, because it's really... I saw it, and she's got, like, a big belly and these big brown nipples sat on her belly, and she's like...

It looks like an orangutan. Yeah, it does. If anyone's got that, I'm not going to judge. Just send it me, and I won't tell who it is. Please can everyone start looking after me a bit more? We need to start looking out for each other. It's not that. When she was going on about it, I was like,

Ashley, if that was us, I would 100% have screenshot that and sent it to the group. No, you wouldn't. I would. I would have told the girl, probably. Right, so, Lauren, what's on your tits this week? Everything. How horrible have I been this week?

It was horrible. Snapping at us. Snapping at everyone. When I got out of the car, she was like, hi, I was like, I hate you. Yeah. And you're going on at me like, I've got a child that's really hard.

I've been poked every 90 minutes and shit on. I know, I know, I know. it's not a competition Lauren if it was then I fucking win so what's wrong with me what's getting on my tits being a single mum is getting right on my tits you could go out with someone else

I'm not going to go out with someone shut up school rang me today Sophia has now been placed in primary school and the fact that she's going to primary school is really bothering me actually if I could I would stop it happening honestly I'd be like

why don't you homeschool her imagine what she'd learn um i would i wouldn't send her i would be like no we're gonna we're gonna do a gap year yeah so that's really actually bothering me what's bothering me is a few things number one the fact she's going to school she's my baby number two the fact that everything in my life is now going to change actually nursery is easier than school so school starts at 8 45 finishes at three what the fuck do you do my friends have sent some of their kids to prep school and i'm like why would you do that so nursery i can rock up when i want and i can get her when i want well eight till six yeah but i'm it's never gonna be that time i have to be there bang on time i have to pick her up at three o'clock what is this

trickery at the same time as all the other parents at the same time and the school is 40 minutes what do 40 minutes yeah long story what do i do right because it's a good one what do i do in those hours so you've taken out 40 minutes add 40 minutes 40 minutes add 40 minutes

you've basically taken 3-4 hours out of your day to pick that school yeah because I'm a good mum excuse me anyway the school rang me the other day

and they left a voice note right I didn't I forgot I didn't even listen to the voice note so they rang me again today hi Lauren

your child's place is about to be like released no like bye bye like got rid of because you've not replied to the email to confirm it. I was like, what? Apparently at the bottom of the email saying that she's got into the school

that I wanted, it says at the bottom you have to confirm it. Well, have a fuck. She said, we've also sent you a lot of forms to fill out that you've not replied to, and I need to visit the house soon and see Thea. My head fell off. So there's that, there's work, just the usual, you all know, the usual shit, and it's just getting to me at the minute, actually.

Yeah, so I've been in a foul mood. I've been really horrible, haven't I? Yeah, horrible. Yeah, I don't care. um so today we're going to talk about sorry today we're going to talk about sex because our last episode was sex that did really really really well everyone likes the shaggy they love shaggy they like the shaggy um we've not been shaggy much i haven't had sex for ages big lights big city

we've lost a pot okay right so anyway i've not had sex what's that i've not had sex ages but well let's not talk about sex since the baby no it's been two weeks okay when are you gonna don't know i did text ed the other day like hi do you want to come upstairs and he was like no that's so funny i was sat there like an orangutan do you know um obviously you're on a section like i did so i don't know but i'm quite interested six weeks you're not allowed really yeah but if you've had a tear you're not gonna do you know You know what? One thing I have to say, having a section, I don't understand how women must feel when the vagina's been stretched to the size of the head, like a rugby ball. How would you feel? I'd be nervous, but also at the laxity of the vagina.

Like, I'd be really nervous. Like, what if it's like throwing a sausage up the street, do you know? I think it does go back to normal quite quickly. Because I feel sorry for you. Because look, like, if I stretch my ear out, it does go back. No, me. I mean, do you see what I'm saying? I do see what you're saying, but... I don't know.

I don't know. Anyone want to let us know? yeah let us know tell us how your findings are sex let's talk about it now lauren what makes good sex i don't know i'm shit um okay same to be honest i'm not that good i don't for you though like what would you call like a good good versus bad experience right okay for me good sex and this is going to sound really like pathetic but you have to have that connection yeah i do believe that yeah yeah you have to really fancy them and i think you have to fancy them but dislike them a bit too yeah like that oh you're so angry come here yeah like i hate you but i really like you like makeup sex yeah i like that kind of thing where you you've got that thing with them where

you like them but you hate them there has to be that passion and it sounds fire fire yeah fire yeah i agree and that for me is mentally there has to be a lot of that but also you have to be comfortable i really think this makes a difference like i feel confident that day that particular day so one of the reasons i've not done it for ages because i will not just do a last minute shag shag because i need to feel prepped at the beginning yeah and then i will enjoy it much more apart from these messy one night stands oh crap when you've got your granny pants on and you're not shaved for 12 days and you're like leave my knickers just pull them to the side that keep your hands up i'll do that head up hands up i'll put it in it's one of those but

no um you have to feel confident i think and who you're with you have to feel like you can relax because i've done it before where i've been too bothered about what i look like what my belly looks like and i've not enjoyed it at all but i've never asked about that maybe that's why i'm no i think that means you're good like i just honestly like boys don't even care about what your belly looks like oh my god if it was bright lightning light lighting i don't get the whole like dark room thing really no i could not this light this lighting right i imagine my arsehole in this light i don't know do you want to see can i show you right now go on have a look it's hairy i don't want to see him for a while she's getting out

what's it like it's nice is it have you bleached it no is it i really want to do that is it i have actually spent over a couple of times and she opened my cheeks with her hands is it quite light what color is it it's like um ashy gray wow it's ashy gray it's hairy i'm aware of that no i didn't see any did you not no oh blondie yeah so i i agree with what you're saying i just think like i don't do one night stands well i mean so far in my life i've not done one have you never no i've not they're not for me i think you're right like you have to have like a connection what do you think makes good sex um good sex first then we'll do that i think like you have to have had like um a few drinks before

to loosen up yeah and that's probably really not like sound advice to most people i don't think anyone else should but like if you've had like even like just one glass of wine because it is daunting right so think about this think about sex yeah you are showing somebody that you potentially don't know that well an area that nobody sees you're in tight you're like your hole your crevices like you're showing them things that nobody sees in quite a what's the word a crude a crude manner your bum hole your vagina hole like you know when people like on films like turn up in a trench coat with suspenders like could you ever do that you could i could yeah you would do that i feel like right twat can you imagine me like can we do that imagine do you know

what the things we can do with this podcast are a joke like i could say right i'm seeing somebody you could like go and do that and i'll do it and i'll film it from the car there's so much stuff we can do this is something else i know we're digressing here but there is there's so much we've not recorded for a bit so we're just chatting in general but yeah there's so much that we can do with this podcast and i say this all the time but it's me that holds us back because of time so i'm working out how i can make more time so we can do more stuff because we've got so much to give haven't we there's so much lols with like this stuff while i'm single as well yeah i can be the guinea like this yeah you're the guinea pig yeah we can and i've got no one

to answer to so i can do what the fuck i want i want to so can i you cannot she's got two kids you can do football you need to schedule a shit in but i i do think wow um i do think like the good sex thing like a glass of wine um food before sex i don't really need it do you what are you like you know when people are like let's go on date night like romantic dinner no because then you need a fart yeah exactly i know seriously have you ever have you have have you ever had sex and and you've you know when you just got like a bloated tummy and yeah a bit windy have you ever had sex and and had to hold a fart in the whole time No.

What? No, because I do the tissue trick. What? When you go to the toilet and you fart into a tissue. Oh, my God, I thought you meant during sex. No, I get that. I hold the tissue on my arm. Right, so I get that, but have you ever, though,

like, they've been really going quite vigorously and you think it's going to slip out? No. Right, I have so many times. What do you think of fanny farting? No, no, no. Oh, fanny farting, queefing. Yeah.

It's not good. It's embarrassing, isn't it? It's a mood killer. It's not good. and it's always when you least expect it do you know what the worst is so if you're getting turn over yes having sex and then you go it happens to us all those girls so chill the fuck out if it happens and and the trick is don't even look like a deer in headlights just carry on just carry on keep going put it back in but it's when you're doing it from behind then you move

your legs in the air and you do the spin it goes like that um or no after at the end at the end When you know that you're going to stand up and release the hounds. And there's nothing, and your vagina looks like quiver. They clap. And there's nothing you can do. But no, no, an actual fart. So what I've started doing is putting my hand over my hole if it's going to happen. They don't know you're doing it.

Put a finger over the arsehole. but this comes down again to as women right all men do is go in full force yeah i agree take out right as women it's again another bop it situation i'm holding my ponytail extension in like there's a lot of things my eyelash is coming off like my chicken fillet is slipping out like twisted something's gonna go at one point isn't it like the ponytail or the queef something's going here and in that split second you've got to decide you've got to decide ponytail or the fanny far yeah it's just yeah it's it's hard but so if you're confident and you're with someone where

you really doesn't matter if you're fanny far i don't know if there's ever been anyone that uh it's so it's uncomfortable but basically what we're saying is stop giving as many fucks as you I don't think they care as much as we think. But what we're going to do, aren't we, Ash? We are going to ask them. We're going to do another Ask a Lad. So when we first did it, I'll be honest, when we first did Ask a Lad,

we were still really tame, weren't we? Yeah. We were scared of what people would think of us. We didn't want to be too crude. No. And the way it's gone is... Yeah. Unraveled is rather crude.

Downwards by one. Yeah, so now, I don't give a fuck. I'm going to ask them the questions that we really want to ask. Last time, it was a bit... No. No, we need a guy without a girlfriend. end okay i can organize that yeah yeah yeah i've got a really good one but i don't know if you'd

come on yeah um i mean well can we not like do like you know where their voice goes like yes i have a problem with like that um i don't know i we're gonna sort this yeah so we're gonna ask a lad and we'll tell you the truth what they say because i don't think they care and i think the dirtier you are and i'm not saying trumping but like the more you don't give a fuck the more they love it like when you go to a strip club like you've not been to that many i have the girls that you can tell like they don't give a fuck actually get way more guys and are they perfect what do you mean so like the ones that are like confident but perhaps have a little bit of a saggy no but it's sexy when you can see how much like confidence they've got like so i just think

like just believe in yourself it's gonna be okay but have that glass of wine but have the glass of Wine. What do you think makes bad sex? Oh. I think men watch too much porn. I'll tell you one thing. What? You watch too much porn.

I watch too much porn. No, I'm joking. I don't watch too much porn. No, we know you read the novels. Now and again, I watch a bit of porn. I don't read it, really. I've got a good imagination. Wank bag.

Yeah, I've got a great wank bag. We've all got a few things in that wank bag. Oh, yeah, that we just pull out now and again. So, okay, I'll tell you one thing that really bothers me. What? An excessive clit rub. Oh, yeah. No, Charlie's face says she's got the more.

Come hither. Oh, okay, there's two things. Ash, tell us about the come hither. When they're trying to make you squirt. Yeah, and they've seen it on porn. And it doesn't happen. Like, no. Who wrote this guide to squirting because they need to rewrite it?

Rewrite it? It doesn't happen. No, the thing is, the come hither, they literally go in, and you're just like what's that doing and right I don't like it they do it too fast

yeah it's all too fast for my liking too fast and hard and when they do this and they push on your belly and go

like a machine gun I don't like that but the excessive clit rub bothers me yeah I'll tell you why it hurts it makes one of my legs

twitch out if you catch the wrong nerve but they must think that you like it then if you get it twitchy it's one leg it's catching a nerve and one leg

she's about to blow keep going keep going you're like a dog when you tickle the tummy of the leg it's like that what am i a jack russell it's too it's too offensive but you have to be firm with them it's like training a puppy you have to say to them no i don't like that it's not gonna kill the vibe just move the hand my friend when she is when a guy is going down on it she will say They're not great at that either, are they?

No, they're not. She will say, to the left, to the right, to the left, to the... She will say, that way, that way. She'll push the head, she'll move it. She will say, slower, faster. I can't do that. I just pretend it's good. No.

What would you do? I'd just be like, just come up here. Yeah, so sometimes you get the face, don't you? Yeah. Pull it up and you're like, we're done here. Come on, darling. Pop it in, love. Yeah, I think that they watch too much porn

and, like, they go at it, like... Too much. Yeah. Too heavy on. Yeah. I think that's slow. it slow down when we release

this episode can we please put a thing saying lads listen to this yeah yeah they need to

slow down they need to slow it down more like a slow rub on the clip can we normalise like them

asking what do you like yeah has anyone ever asked you that no

same never what the fuck and we're 32 what is this what's going on what is this but then have you

ever asked anyone what they like no but I have always i would like a guy to say i like when you're giving a blow job be like do this faster this that it makes my life so much easier yeah yeah move your head don't maybe not don't do let's do that let's do that oh let's say ow like that kind of thing and when you're having sex i'd like him to be like i like that anyway right but can i just say though we both as women and men don't

want the same thing men just want to put their dick in an orifice and pump pump pump pump and come right if it was down to a man you would be doing backwards cowgirl with the squatting the squat oh the legs hurt so bad and that doesn't i'm doing it right now i shouldn't be doing that she's just had a section two weeks ago she's doing the reverse cowgirl but not on eddie's dick she's doing it on the sofa with me so that is what a man would typically i think like whereas Because a woman needs that clitoral stimulation and the P and the V a bit of a mix. So, like, it's like... How do we do this then?

Who's going to win here? Someone's winning. And it's only one in two. It's never me. So, I agree. Can you get male prostitutes that actually, like, know what they're doing? Oh, my God. We've never looked into this.

Again. Like, I need servicing. Now, this would be the funniest podcast ever. Can we get one on? If we got one and I had sex with them and I... but I can't do it. What? No, I'm not live, guys. Not live. I just mean like, I'm not gonna, but... If you were a guy, would you shag a prostitute? This is such a big topic and we need more men involved in this because I don't get it. Why would you pay money, okay, to have sex with someone that only wants to have sex with you for money?

they don't want to shag you it doesn't matter it's one for the white bank well no but when the girl's like oh it's fake and they're thinking

about their dinner so as a guy how can you get off knowing that this woman doesn't men are just completely different creatures to us it's like if I had sex

with a guy and I knew that he didn't want to shag me I'd be mortified but it might not even be money that they're paying them they might be like gifting them

or bankrolling the lifestyle whatever it is it's not because they fancy you and that I can't do i couldn't deal with that someone having sex with me not because they fancied me but because i was

paying them bankrolling them giving them gifts how can you get hard on on that i think it's very common oh my god it's so i know it's like whatever and like people it's a service at the end of the day to be honest but i mean they might be enjoying it because they know they're getting something out of it that's not the vagina isn't enjoying it then is it they're minding like no but men are that fucking stupid that they actually believe that they were enjoying it this is my question Most men are narcissists. And they actually think that this girl is... So when the girl's like,

this is the best ever I've ever had, they actually think I'm the best client she's ever had. We've got friends that have got, like, OnlyFans and strippers and stuff. Go get it, honey. And they actually, like, the men actually think that the girls like them. They genuinely think that.

They can't. They do. It's mental, isn't it? They do. Fuck them stupid bastards. Exactly. Go get your money, honey. Go get it.

right so um how many times a week do you think you should be having sex like how often i was talking to one of my couple friends the other week and they said they do it once a week that's good and they've been together probably for i don't know two three years what do you think it's been that long since i had a boyfriend i can't remember two or three and they never last that long to get to get past the honeymoon so i don't know two or three times a week i think two minimum two minimum two yeah agree do you know one thing i will say about this and i have been guilty of this in the past if you let the sex go oh mood killer you're done i really mean that so i went through phases in my life where maybe i felt fat maybe i felt ugly maybe i was

depressed working hard tired whatever it was yeah sex wasn't at the top of my priority and i withheld it yeah and i just didn't want to but as soon as i did that number one i got cheated on i'm not saying that's an excuse for why it happened but i'm just saying they're gonna get it number two men do look elsewhere when you're not giving it they do and i'm not saying you have to make them think that like you always fancy them exactly and their confidence gets not so when they are like us when the sex has gone the relationship is broken down and are you the instigator i am never oh really i am ever the instigator no i am never the instigator i'd say 50 50 i think it should be 50 50 but i do think girls like if you're not making an effort in that department i'm not saying do it

you should stay with your fat i'm not saying do it to keep him i don't mean that to have a healthy relationship if you don't feel like it it is so important because then what are you if you don't if you're not having sex your friends yeah that's what differentiates i agree and i've been there but i wish i'd done it differently this wednesday you're all getting some so girls go home and literally right the way i think about it is this right a man will start to feel like a creep and a weirdo if he's tried it on three times with you and you've knocked him back three times let me tell you something about this yeah so i used to be like this and when i start to go off somebody i don't want sex with them anymore and they know so i was with this guy and i'd gone i just i didn't

want to do it with him and probably it's because i didn't want to be with him and i remember he went down on me once and i i sighed like this during it like that and he got up and he went are you fucking joking and i don't blame him but i didn't want to do it but they know and this is the difference like a woman doesn't need a hard vagina to have sex whereas men need a hard dick to have sex so women can have it anytime even if they don't like we were talking about girls before like watch Shubba Bubba Lube up there and they'll think you're enjoying it exactly so if you're pushing your boyfriend back three out of four times say or more he will then start to feel like the creep in the night club that's coming over to you and you've said no and he

will start looking elsewhere so I'm not saying like do things you don't want to do but get in the mood to want to do something and make your partner feel wanted by touching his dick every now and then think about it like even stroking his thigh yeah think about it if as a woman you came on to your man three times and he was like i'm tired i've got a headache oh we'd feel awful i would be so upset yeah think of it the other way around if your fellow is like come on babes and you're like oh and we do do and we do do it they're not gonna feel good about themselves and then they start looking somewhere where somebody does give them attention boys need boys they need Oh, you're so lovely.

Yeah, they need the balls to clean. Yeah, exactly. Right, so sex is all good and great, but what happens... Until you get the clap. And then you're fucked. So we got this data. I pulled some data. Did you know that 20% of the US population have an STD?

US? Yeah. 20%. 20%. It's way worse than over here. It's a lot, that, isn't it? So the places... Why? I wonder why.

Do you think they're more prude if they don't discuss it, They don't go for STI checks. I don't know, but I did hear a stat the other day, and don't quote me on this. It was something like 70% of Americans don't even have a passport. Really? They're weird. Weird.

Oh, no, I feel like we shouldn't say that. Like three eyes. If you're listening and you're American. And you've got a passport. And you like this podcast, you're lovely. The rest of you are fucking weird. No, they are a little odd. Yeah, like.

Come on. Yee-haw. So, anyway. Right. Like, okay, so top places in the last 12 months that have had STDs. Right, can I guess? Go on. So UK, top places, top cities.

Number one. Newcastle. London. Oh, of course, it's bigger. Why do I say Newcastle? So in 100,000 people, over 5,000 had an STD. To be fair, it's a big area. There's some good clubs.

People get pissed. You know what I mean? After that, it is... I thought Northerners would be more dirty. Manchester was number four. Oh, really? I thought it would be higher. 1,000 and 100,000 have an ST day.

So what does it go like? Tell me the top four. London. London, Westminster, which I would say is London. I would. Southampton. You dirty bastards. Where even is that?

Southampton. In the Hamptons? Oh, that's America. In the Hamptons. Oh my God, I'm surprised. I honestly thought it'd be Manchester, Newcastle, Leeds. I thought we'd be the real STF lifelines. Yeah, because we are the three-eyed people that people in London would say.

They'd be like, oh, those Northerners. yeah they work in mines and shag each other and shag each other's cousins yeah well no you london ones are going to clap yeah so guess what the top std is in the got to be chlamydia yeah chlamydia is the most common second one herpes yeah oh my god we're good at this third one was yeah wait gonorrhea yeah no no lauren if we were on who wants to be a millionaire i've just won a million my fanny's wrecked but i've won a million right do you want to call a friend on the next one okay is there another one after this yeah tricker no that's that molluscum i've not heard that one um no hep b then hib that so they're not uncommon oh my god

can i tell you a funny story about one of my friends i don't know go on right so she's funny though or are we just oh it's not funny it's very dangerous guys this is again we are not doctors we are not therapists no do you not if you want to live a good long life don't listen to any of this so one of our friends had been throwing it around all summer it wasn't me and um there was a guy that she really liked but he was somewhere else and he was like at like a week before he was like i'm coming over to see you and she was like shit so she went into a clinic and she was like give me everything i'm going on a sailing trip i'm a yacht master i'm going on a sailing trip and i need treatment for every single

that you can imagine so they were going through the forms and they were like do you have green discharge she was like yes yes yes yes yes yes she sent me a picture i'll have it on my phone of all these tablets that she had to take and then she got intense thrush of course she'd taken all these tablets oh my god just to get rid of it before he came the guy at the clinic she said was just sat there like right so you've got everything so you've got green discharge it hurts when you you've got a fever a temperature and she was like i need treatment for everything because i'm going sailing for six months and i won't see a doctor and they gave it her yeah do you know what probably happened let me tell you what happened the guy probably came over he probably gave her something

so yeah that's uh quite funny right okay so moving on i need to say something what the sponge oh the sponge so we spoke last episode but or the one for whatever about the sponge that you put up inside your vagina and it it stems the blood flow and you can still have sex yeah okay charlie is so good she got it straight away there this message so we got this message this morning gang you ready for it yeah sponge feedback yeah okay so i've worked in a&e for a short period of time and i always remember a vulnerable young woman coming in she was a street worker so that's a prostitute isn't it yeah a trick that they do so that they can still work this is so sad you know whilst been on the period

or not sad whatever you want to look at it is to use a sponge so they pop it up and therefore they can continue to have sex with men

although this time it had been pushed up too far and it got stuck so she panicked and the more she was trying to pull it out the further it was

going up and then it had to be pulled out by staff with tongs now I've got a vision of barbecue tongs I'm guessing

well that's like when I told you about that woman at work who needed to tampon pull it out yeah so it's like that and apparently you're meant to

take it out wash it change it anyway this lady's advice to us the moral of the story she says is wear a sani pad or tell your fella to do one when you want to have sex when when they want to have sex when you're on yeah so don't listen to our advice on the sponge well i'm not no listen just be take it out and wash it and shit like i don't know should i get a sponge i'm on my period please get a sponge i'm not gonna have you no no i wasn't gonna say that what i was gonna say is something this morning when i was putting my tampon in i wanted to talk about on the podcast is tampons now there's

two types of tampons interestingly enough charlie has the same tampon choice as me because we went to the toilet when we went to work the ivy and i was like ah unusual so there's different tampons you've got your applicator tampon in which you put like the cardboard that's not for me that you put the cardboard up and then you pull it out do you not use that um those plastic applicator ones as well whatever it is there's an applicator and then you have the real girl stuff have you real woman tampon and that is where it's a tiny one you get your finger and you push it as far as you can like do you remember when the first time you put a tampon in and you open that tampon and it's like put your leg put your leg on top of the toilet put some lubricant

relax put a thong on get in the mood also why do men think you would enjoy putting a tampon in and they go oh you put in a tampon oh would you like did you give yourself a cheeky no and if you ever put a tampon in dry dry so i want to talk about this tampon thing what do you use applicator or non um just whatever i've got right my friends think i'm disgusting because i use but they fit in your handbag so easy not even about that for me for me i put my leg on the toilet seat i will actually i can no i will insert my entire index elbow index finger until i know that that tampon is as far up and secure now when i use the applicator they don't go up enough when i sit down it's like the cutting in half oh there's nothing worse than you feel it falling

she agrees but my friends think that i'm disgusting for not using an applicator one Just use whatever works When you get the blood in the nail It's Lauren I wash my hands I'm just saying Do you agree Charlie though

Yeah she's nodding I'm saying it We're all thinking it Anyway Come on my show monkey Come on Sing show monkey Sing

Dilemma of the week Dilemma Oh I started at the high notes Cuts Of the week Right Do you want me to read it Or you

You my partner keeps pestering me i love that word pestering that's a me word that is pecking me head for a three word that isn't it my partner keeps pestering me for a threesome with another woman he suggests friends even i hate the idea of it but he keeps going on at me and i don't know what to do on one hand i feel like i would be letting him down and on the other i feel like if i went ahead with it i would be selling my soul well then the answer is that there you go Absolutely not. She's just said she'd be selling her soul.

Absolutely not. Not for a man's pleasure. I don't even have any... No, don't do it. Have you ever done that before? What? We spoke about this last week. I nearly did into London, didn't I?

And then I was like, yeah, I'm going. And then I thought, I don't think I like it. I'm just going to the toilet. And then I thought, I don't want to do this anymore. It doesn't really interest me. I would do it, absolutely. I'd have to be intoxicated heavily. Yeah, but then you wake up with the fear the next day.

yeah but I'd have to have had a drink I could not do it sober I don't know okay so from what she said I don't know

yeah and also I feel like this relationship's over yeah he's trying to make this work and it's not and also

can you imagine like your like if Ed was like to me hey you know Lauren let's play her with alcohol bring her round

like I'd be like ew what did you put Ed and then whenever you were around that friend you'd be uncomfortable even if like i would have feel a bit jealous yeah you would be like you want to take her upstairs yeah i bet if i texted when i was upstairs you want to come up and say yeah not to you and then i'd feel like you'd always be looking at you yeah no i agree that's weird but really weird but that's where

the friend we're talking this woman says it's just another woman um i don't know she doesn't want to do it so no they don't he does he keeps mentioning her friends oh i missed that bit um get that fucking finish him finish him what a prick what a prick and also like back to what we were saying before with the confidence thing you do need to put boundaries in place if there is stuff for example i've never had anal sex in my life it's not something that interests me i'm not gonna ask you if you have lauren um but it's not something that interests me and i make it not on purpose no there's always a slip i make it clear from the beginning like i'm good i don't want to do that um or if like i don't know i'm trying to think you've never had any

form of anal sex no not even a finger wow um it's not something i would enjoy like why would you do it then by mistake i don't want to talk about it but it's not something that you know it's to me the area is not like and it's like you're if you're doing that you're doing it to please a guy absolutely like you've got daddy issues and then they're all sorry i'm just saying yeah and they're enjoying it when they're getting it and then when poo goes everywhere it's not funny anymore is it then they're not enjoying it anymore then you're embarrassed you have to go home and also it made me this hasn't happened to me before but it sounded like it hasn't it made me feel really inadequate if someone kept asking me to do things that i didn't want to do yeah i agree and i just

think girls stick up for yourself and literally turn around and go stop fucking asking me to do that yeah yeah and then do you know what if they say it to you one more time right then yeah so were doing it tonight um i bought a massive strap on it's in the bedroom and actually you're getting it and you're getting it first then you can do it to me yeah i agree i like that i like that what what are your views on um things up boys ass oh yeah fine fine do you ask them first or stick it up i don't ask hello sir can i sign it i've got a consent form in the bedside right i'll tell you why i'm asking this okay so some guys i think would like like it but don't want to say they do but some really don't and if you then try percent of guys do like yeah but if

you get 20 yeah so you just want to do it yeah but if you get that 20 that don't and you put your finger in their ass and they punch you it's game over but it's a risky sex thing isn't it it is so risky but yeah you need to stick to your morals and beliefs of what you want to do and what you don't because that could really destroy you in like a later time of your life if you were like oh i did that with someone that i don't like and i did stuff i didn't want to do and you could have piles forever because of that oh anyway um have you had piles did you get piles when you were pregnant no i didn't a lot of my friends did last time did you last time yeah yeah i've never had quite badly do you push them back in is that yeah you just push them and then do they go

No, they stay with you for quite a while. Inside your anus? Yeah. They'll probably need operating on one day. Okay. Let's normalise that too. Every fucker's got piles. I don't think...

I mean, you've just seen my arsehole. Have I got piles? No. It's weird, that, isn't it? I've got most things, but not piles. Worms. When you were a kid, did you used to get worms? I got worms.

I got them terribly. Only once. And when I opened up my arse and looked in the mirror, you could... I'm not lying. Thread worms. Yeah, you could... Have you had it?

See, Charlie's had it. no I'm not anyway she knows what it is is this a 90s thing apparently if a baby gets it you can shine a torch

on the butthole and they come out yeah so no this happened to me no lie and I bet you I get messages after saying it's

happened to people too and I squatted I was only young maybe I don't know don't want to say squatted over a mirror opened it and you could see

the worms yeah thread worm it's called so I'm never getting a husband guys thank you for listening this week we're all over the place i've not eaten for two weeks and i've drank wine

and don't know what lauren's excuse is i never eat and i drink wine follow us on instagram at the cosmetic consult and at lauren elizabeth underscore xx also guys we really need your reviews we love it too when you share on instagram so sharing instagram sharing instagram when you do we get bigger we get bigger and bigger and we've got no money this all the time but the sharing if you like us sometimes I like things and I do nothing about it

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