Nip Tuck - Clitty Litter

Episode Date: March 1, 2023

Ashley & Lauren have packed so much into todays show! Period pains, penis lengths, parcels, pensioners with plug in vibrators, oh and someone getting rimmed round the back of a Greggs...To get involved with the show, you can send us a DM on Instagram and TikTok, find us @niptuckpod.Or you can email [e-mail] can also send us your Icks & Dilemma's via WhatsApp! You can text or voice note the girls on [phone] Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

hello and welcome to nip talk not giving a flying mother fuck this is the podcast where we celebrate being positive aspirational men this is all about being unapologetically yourself on nip talk we want you to get your voice heard so you can email us at hello at nip talk pod.com you can also get in touch via whatsapp that means voice notes too so we can play them out in future episodes but don't worry if you want to be anonymous we will never reveal who you are in fact we often don't know simply head to this episode's description for more information we want to know what's getting on your tits what's giving you the ick any questions and of course your embarrassing stories so basically we don't give a fuck and we are back in surgery hello girlies good morning good

evening good afternoon or whatever whatever you're doing hopefully you're at the gym because we're all on the gym health eating hype in here i've just had you don't need to you just had arson plants you never need to go to the gym again you're done that's what we go to the gym for really how funny when they bury me it's gonna be you're gonna have these when you die and your body gets eaten by by like um what do they get eaten maggots and stuff your implants your tits and your arse are gonna stay there and your teeth maybe like composite a bit of composite will stay there as well how weird is that mad okay so we had lots of messages in you said i've not seen these messages because you don't because everyone messages me for a chit chat they message you about

skin they just message me for fun so listen to this i we had a dilemma i don't know if it was was it last week or the week I think it was the week before and it was from a guy and he was basically saying that he loves the show blah blah blah

and he feels like his girlfriend is like too clingy she's not got her own shit going on we were really mean about her yeah I know mate we got loads

I got loads of messages basically saying I got one that basically said hi I know you can't do this I know you can't reveal who it is but I think it might be me no

yeah and I'm really paranoid and there's this big paragraph about like why she was paranoid imagine someone lying awake at night thinking

it's them but then i got another i got another one saying i've got a feeling it's me i'm gonna so i just said to me everyone thinks it's them and i said i actually don't know and she was like please just to rest my girl to girl will you let me know i don't know we don't know lucas never reveals and sometimes he might not know like the email address might not be a name like you don't know always but what it is good is a couple of the girls that message uh not everyone needs to know my email address it's when I was 12

okay but one thing that is good that came from it is these shut up these girls said Lozzie Lou

it's not just Lozzie Lou before everyone starts emailing Lozzie Lou it's not just that and it's always on really serious

emails I know it is so I have actually got I have got another one that's like you know

Lauren Harris it's like a normal one but I just I don't give a fuck how can I try and be really serious and business minded and be like okay

use my email that's laurenharris underscore when I then talk about shitting myself and stuff on the podcast which they've all heard hence why they're emailing

so there's just no point me making this act anyway these girls have then decided to switch it up and that oh my god I've actually realised

so if you think it was about you you need to change your ways I think we've helped a lot of people right I really do also I feel like we've just got

I've got like today both of us with things we need to discuss so a few episodes ago you and Lucas were like basically taking the piss out of me because I used toilet roll

oh god yeah we use wet wipes yeah and you were like we use stuff you were you were going on about

oh you can flush them blah blah blah so I was listening to one of our episodes that actually got released which means it had the little ad breaks in it and stuff

and one of the ad breaks is actually from oh god what are they called where they do your toilet is it called United Youth

something like that and it was basically saying it was like an ad and it's like don't flush your wipes down the toilet it can cause this that and the other and i thought you fuckers need to be careful with this so here's

something else i got a message off one of my friends she said i think you'll find this really funny a guy a group of guys she knows were talking about when girls wipe their vaginas with cheap toilet roll and it leaves little bits of balls of will and you know what they call it yeah i've seen this on someone's something clitty clitty litter clitty yeah clitty litter how funny is that so and they said it stays on like your bum hole and when they're shagging you or doing other things yeah so my advice is always we just just check the area before you begin just check it Another thing to check. What?

I know. What's the one with the little puppy? Andrex. Andrex. Is that the best one, do you think? Not that we're sponsored by them. I think Rochelle is quite a good one. I just get what's in Aldi.

Yeah, they do. Like a decent one. I don't get the cheapest. It's so expensive. Eggs. Can't buy eggs anywhere. Really? There's a massive shortage of eggs.

Why? Yeah, can't. I had to go to four shops. To get eggs? Because Ed and Baby Ed, every morning I make them scrambled eggs. I like an omelette I really do and we go through

so many eggs in our house and they've doubled in price always always free range always free range if you buy

not free range then you're a monster you're a monster you're evil I bet you also do you only get the orange yolk like the proper

yes yeah and you know in you know I do my Ocado shops there's some really really posh ones and they're called

Clarence Farm eggs right and some the chickens being like stroked every night and like massaged I can't explain

yeah the honesty section literally the most prestigious at the Portland no wonder they're fucking expensive so yeah do you know if you sell your eggs

here's something interesting you only get two grand no no I saw something different I saw a lot more an advert on Instagram one of the girls told me

maybe it was an ad an advert came on Instagram you can sell your eggs two grand they were offering no there was more I saw one that was more because I remember thinking fucking hell

that's not bad that not bad at all i'm sure it's 10 grand no it's not it's not it's it was two but if you were in a struggling financial position you could sell a lot of eggs yeah fuck that because and then imagine the anxiety years on like is that mine is that mine you go to a place and you're like oh she looks like me my friend um you know where amy went in to freeze her yes she did and she said it was sperm collection day on the day when she went in yeah and she was like thinking of freezing half embryos half eggs because basically the success rate of um when you re-put the egg in if you've frozen embryos is way higher yes we said this yeah and she was thinking of getting a donor maybe making a few embryos after seeing the men that

were donating the sperm she was like no no she said one of them didn't even have a mobile phone so she wasn't sure if he was homeless or not she couldn't hear him at the desk with no phone the lady was going watching mobile

and everyone was like don't have a phone and she was like I just froze the eggs yeah I just cut the eggs that's fine or his missus is at home and he doesn't want her to know

oh we are very true yeah they only get paid 300 quid for their sperm is that it at least eggs are more expensive I don't know you'd have to be mentally

in a position to be able to do that would you ever be a surrogate I'm looking to have a surrogate so i think that answers the question no absolutely not even i'd rather live on the streets um okay so anyway i've had so many treatments the last week you have every time i'm on your instagram i'm like right another one right another one i've had um laser hair removal and for my laser hair

removal is wednesday um we're on number four now aren't we don't know we're on four or five for it's so good so good so we have that what's that machine called Soprano Ice or Titanium

it's one or the other and it doesn't hurt no not at all so I had that and LPG if you had that yet so Palace & Co where we go for our laser

have offered me to try the LPG what is it my tummy the next day was like flat mine's flat I don't mean to be like a dick

but mine's quite flat sorry it is I have a problem with loose skin I have a problem with loose skin but I don't really have a problem with bloating I had really bad bloating

because I've been sleeping on my front and lying on my front leg. So is it like almost like a lymphatic? Does it like drain you? It feels really relaxing. You should have a look at the results from that machine. Right, I'll look. So I had that and then I had Beautify,

the under eye skin booster. Oh my God, the lady messaged me to see if I wanted to go in. I've not replied. I would recommend it. Do you like it? Better than Lumiai? I'm going for my next one. Better than Lumiai?

Didn't hurt at all. Did it not? No. And what is it, like a skin booster? Skin booster. Okay, I'll look at that. Then I had Profilo. Shit, my Profilo.

No, that's June. I've had hair extensions put in. Right, okay. So me and Ash have had an argument about this hair extension thing. So as you know, Ash has got stunning hair. She's got rich girl hair, Cheshire hair. Like the rich girls in Cheshire just have good hair.

It's just a fucking thing. They do, they do. They have skinny legs and they do. It's a breed, skinny legs and good hair. So it is true. So she's got good hair anyway and she messaged me and she was like, right, I'm going to get extensions.

And in fact, I posted it on Instagram. I screenshot it and I was like, fuck off. you don't need them and she doesn't she doesn't need them the hair is unreal um but then she was going to use a brand that actually i'm not going to say what it is because that's really not good but i they used to be the top dog extension pro yeah because i've never i've been bald most of my life so i i know all about hair extensions and the particular brand you were going to use used to have a good name and kind of still does but is known to not be as good anymore especially for blonde it's really not known to be that good and i think they've kind of cut corners a little

bit anyway whatever i have always used spectrum hair um and that's not for any reason other than i genuinely think i have hair extensions in 24 7 i can't have shit in my hair and i've used them for oh my god five years six years gorgeous the hair's real so i said to her if you're gonna do it you have to use spectrum hair like you can't i only had 50 grams put in so what did you have spectrum what nanos i love nanos i just think they're the best so you can get it um from the but you can also get it you can order it online and your your person can put fit them for you yeah they do color matching service online honestly i'm not bullshitting if you're gonna get extensions they're brilliant and so i know i am like used to be like anti-extensions but it

wasn't because i was anti-extensions it was because my hair basically i was pregnant for a year and then my hair fell out and i didn't color any of my hair the whole of my pregnancy really i had like a few bits so i wanted my hair to get thicker and grow naturally you did it right then you you could you could withstand it yeah extensions so i've had 50 grams put in and it's the same length as my hair and i've had it because have you filled the sides yeah it does look really nice really nice my hair doesn't hold a curl i wouldn't mind some nanos at the top anyway let's anyway i'm i'm currently trying to fix my hair from so i have um been all over this story all weekend and i sent you forgot to mention you've had lumeca this week i've had lumeca and

you've had morpheus on your stomach i'm gonna have lumeca also what do you think of the results it kills it's he wouldn't be able to have it no a man couldn't do it a man could never it's literally you're like this so what like no but i know it kills so basically lumeca is ipl and it gets rid of like any broken look at my forehead shine yeah how shiny forehead broken capillaries because sometimes your look and the reason your makeup is not sitting well is actually your pigmentation underneath and it's the balance of your skin and whether you've got darker patches and redness it helps with that doesn't it the morpheus didn't hurt as much this time it did hurt they went over they're trying to do like my c-section pooch bit really it does break down the

fat the body had a hundred percent so um they went over my c-section scar and that was the only bit that hurt but then the rest was fine but i do have a lot more marks this time because we used quite a high setting oh yeah you're still red it'll go i know it will go i know this sounds really weird but i love it when stuff like that happens because i'm like oh it hurts yeah it works so it's working when people say like oh did it hurt i'm like it's not a question you should be asking if you really want it done you won't care if it hurts um i went to the new model standards clinic for that and their new clinic i think i'm gonna go you know is absolutely stunning do you feel like like a celeb when you go in it's like a posh hotel yeah i'm gonna be going um right so

all weekend i've been on at lucas and um lauren trying to find this video of something so basically they've not listened to anything and i came in this morning i was like oh my god the video of the man eating the woman's ass behind greg's we've no idea what she's talking about what are you talking about I thought you meant when you just got together yeah

Lucas was thinking she just watched like a live sex show right so what happened because I've got no idea so I'm not naming any names but a famous rugby player oh it would be a rugby player

the filthy bastard this is such a run see this is why I knew you two would love this because they were normally like I bet they pissed on them as well right so this famous

rugby player he's our age 33 okay yeah I'm not 33 and married with three kids

okay like very successful blah blah blah then went out on a night out and

someone was walking down an alleyway behind Greg's and sees a woman on all fours and a man

on all fours and his head is in her arsehole roaming her down the side of Greg's at like 2am both fucked then

they start filming and laughing and his face comes out of her arse no like a badger coming out of his little thing like beep boop

and anyway the video went like viral online because was it not his wife no no this is the next bit

of the story so their couple friends so it'd be like you me and James yeah doing that

well it was their couple it was her it was his their couple friends also married also got kids all the kids are friends she's

a lawyer I want to say or something like that She's been sacked from her job. He's not been sacked from his job. Why? And why has she been sacked? Because he's a rugby lad.

Indecent exposure. Is that why she's been sacked? Probably. Yeah, but it's... It's a crime. Is it? Indecent exposure. Well, you're not allowed to shag outside, are you?

Yeah, obviously. I didn't know you weren't allowed to do that. I thought you could do what you want. I thought it was a free country. So you're telling me you can walk outside this building... Get my fanny out? No. Right.

That's like streakers. Right. so she's got done for having her arsehole out yes did he have his out though maybe that's why so he wasn't

indecently exposing he was performing a sex act on someone in public indecent exposure they were right okay so anyway

his wife someone sent like the kids the video on snapchat oh fuck's sake I know that's disgusting who wants to see

the dad rimming someone I mean his wife has fully like cut him off well I'm not surprised but this is where me and Ed got into like

we were and it's an awful thing to happen to someone but at what point do you go let me eat your arse backwards like we were both like

it's such an you know you've both got to get down on the floor yeah it's an odd thing like fair enough you go around the corner

we're like you know fingering or sucking someone off or even a shag even a shag a quick up against the wall but to get in

to go down on all fours we were like that's the worst bit of it is the weirdness of it. To pull your pants down and then get on all fours with your bum out.

And then, do you know what? And for him to just be like, blah, blah, blah. Ed went, what time was it? I went, 2am. I went, she's been out all day.

He was thinking about how silly her arse was. And he was like, disgusted by that. He was like, oh, where's she been? She'd have had disco minge. Disco arse?

Disco arse. So that was in the newspaper. Acid arse. The video. All night arse. The video is very, funny right so you had a story to tell me as well about d the dhs lady oh it's a confession actually dhs delivery oh maybe it's not dhs dhl who's the delivery anyway it's about dpd dpd it's

i don't know it's a delivery right it's a confession so i oh god i just feel really bad right now and if my neighbors are listening i feel even worse so i pulled onto my drive the other day and um as i did it i saw uh you know how you know the delivery people that they're in just a normal car do you know when they go around and and it's a lady quite old and she pulled up and she had a big ass ass bag and she was going to my neighbor not my next doors a few doors down and i was sat in my car texting before i was about to get out and go into the house and i could see her knocking and no one was answering and i thought fuck she's gonna come to the car now and ask me to take it in and don't want to because i can't be arsed um and i thought

she'll leave it around the corner anyway if not and she came up to the window and said do you live here and I just went no and I was parked on my drive and I went no I'm drop visiting dropping something off so she went all right okay no problem uh don't worry about it so then I was sat in my car and I couldn't get out the car because I'd said I didn't live in the house and she was old so she was slow and she was really slow right then she did five drop-offs on my street and I had to sit in my car and I thought she's now thinking

why are you sat on someone's drive and I couldn't get out of the car so I drove round the block and thought I'll park and then I'll get in

and she was still there so I was still sat on my drive pretending it wasn't my house and then I ran in the house and that's it really I just I just thought like

and I felt really guilty because I thought I should have just taken the package yeah it was tight wasn't it but I didn't want to tell you why there's a neighbour coming round

and knocking on for it I don't want that awkward interaction I've got loads of stuff at 1A on my road and they're very odd in 1A and I don't want to go

and every time I get an email like we've delivered it to 1A I'm like no and I thought she did leave it

down the side anyway so they've got the parcel and then I thought do I get out and say actually I do live here because then I got this guilt no

so this week I'll update you on this over the next few episodes but I got a big parcel from Net-A-Porter and it had a tiny dress in it but it was in a big box and um they they have my gate code so they'd left it on my step it's not very safe i'm having

your gate code what if they told someone ed always says that but anyway um i picked it up and i thought this is heavy and then i opened it up and another parcel had slid into my net-a-porter someone else's no it said gareth's laptop this is this week this has happened so i was like oh I'll just throw it in the bin. And my sister was like, you can't do that. That's someone's laptop. And I was like, but why am I making this my fucking problem now? So then my sister rings them.

It's in Rochdale, if you want to take it. Shut up. So you had to find Gareth? So, no, I rang the company that it was meant to be going to. Well, my sister did it at a council. I was going to launch it. You were going to bin it, weren't you? And I was like, I've got Gareth's laptop.

And they were like, not one bit asked. Also, just while we're talking about posts, my mum was just texting me this morning. so do you remember the other week you said Cameron would send me Cam Rasool

who is a dentist you said he'd send me Cam Rasool Cam Rasool that sounds weird you say it Cameron Rasool it just sounded weird

the way I said it anyway he has sent me some teeth whitening and I gave him my address I said listen this is my mum's address so don't turn up

with your dick out because it's not my house so like don't bother what did he write on it so I got a text off mum's morning saying what the hell is this

she sent me the front it's like a brown package and the front says Lady Lauren Elizabeth on the back there's a massive cock he's got a massive with sperm

do you know that cock emoji with sperm coming out of it and I put loads of laughing faces and at first I couldn't think and I was like what the fuck is that and I went

oh my god it's my teeth whitening and she said not funny this is how because the postman the postman she went and got it

from the post office it was signed for and she put not funny full stop very embarrassing for me full stop don't do that again

and there's a massive she's gone and picked it up and there's a massive cock massive cock on it So thanks for the message right now. Well, speaking of cocks. Oh, yeah. I've got good news for you girls.

So, and guys. Oh, that doesn't matter to the guy how big the cock is. Men's average penis length has increased by two inches in the last 30 years. Why? Evolution. Are people getting taller? Evolution. Evolution in two years?

Like that's 30 years. Oh, I thought you said two. Yeah, evolution. So in 30 years, the cock size has increased by two. No, do you know what I actually, I'm not a scientist or anything, but a big, big thing is hormones in food and milk. So, you know, girls are coming on their periods at like nine or ten now. And they're starting to develop boobs sometimes.

I think I was 12 when I came on. At about seven or eight. Oh, look at titties. Yeah, and it's from the hormones in milk. What? Big hormones. so because we're as females taking the pill every day or we were very frequently and then we go for a wee and then the water's filtered the female hormones are in the water are in our water from

taking the pill i promise you wait so our wee gets in water i can't i'm drinking piss estrogen estrogen no i'm drinking piss i can't and my head's no the hormones aren't filtered out the germs might be but they're not the whole hormone so that's why I always buy that no hormone

Dalesford organic milk but what I'm putting this down to is is it because kids are eating more hormones at a younger age

that their dicks are growing quicker maybe I don't know that makes sense my friend's just got an alkaline tap you've got one haven't you

I have got one and I absolutely love it people say it's bullshit I don't know I was sold it and I like it she was sold it she was sold the dream

she likes it it's really good Even if I spent that much money I'd say I liked it even if I didn't and I'd pretend that it had done wonders for me even if it hadn't.

Has yours got a beauty water setting? Yeah, mine's got beauty water. I don't know about that. I can think of other ways to spend that money. My thought on this is what that money can bring you

in beauty water I could spend the same amount on a facelift and probably look better than the beauty water. What was this fucking tap? It was about three and a half grand. Three and a half grand.

I'd rather have like a mini facelift for three and a half grand. But I was buying the active creation Yeah, it was costing you that much. Every week I was going through like 24 of them. I don't get it.

You're still getting the same water. No, it's not. The water comes through, but there's a filter that takes all the acidity out and gives you a pH balance that's best for your body. Okay, Ronaldo uses it. Oh, well, then it's definitely really good and we should all get one. Anyway. Period pain.

You don't get period pain, do you? No. Bitch. It's really weird. I have we're being sent some tampons that are meant to help

with period pain I'll get like a slight niggle I don't get any particular pain I don't bleed heavily and I only bleed for maybe four or five days

I don't know why I've just always been like that I get the worst period pain and when I was younger I used to get horrific like I used to cry on the floor

really yeah yeah yeah shit and it's like you know when you wake up in the morning and you're like do I need a poo

or is this period pain yeah I get that I get a little bit of that and you do like those little baby poos and they stink yeah Can I just ask?

No, no, no. This is a serious thing. No, it's a period pain. No, right. This is serious. When I'm due on my period, my farts stink. Yeah, it must be like all in.

And I fart loads and they really smell and I know I'm about to want. Yeah, why do you think that is? Should we research that? Yeah, let's. Does anyone else have this thing? So actually,

with regards to the period pain, you're allowed menstrual leave now in Spain. Paid menstrual leave. Every month? Yeah. I think you work from home. i think they've made it yeah is that fully legit are you sure about this swear they're not going to do that in this country are they no never never never ever ever ever ever

also the male pill it's 100 effective um but i just wouldn't know no because yes you can take the pill however it's still the woman that gets up the duff and gets stuck with the baby so i wouldn't take the risk no but the difference is lucas and it shouldn't be like this and this sounds very sexist but if the woman doesn't take it or the man doesn't take it it's the woman that's stuck with the fucking baby so the woman's gonna take it if she doesn't want a baby the man if it's that type of man can forget to take it and think oh fuck it she's pregnant and also men never remember to do anything lucas has his thing oh your alarm you maybe you should get the pill so you don't get any men pregnant you can't men don't get pregnant oh yeah oh yeah hey they do

it's 2023 let's stop that now yeah i don't know why i said that right now what is getting on your tits lozza right one thing that's getting on my tits and i think you get a bit of shit for this actually um it's how you can really trust a certain brand or a certain product and then you think it's not as good as you once thought it was and i think sometimes people give you shit because you they'll be like oh you said that was good now yeah because that's how things go i change my mind on stuff every day so um olaplex is one of the reasons that brought me to this do you remember everyone was in lockdown right so in lockdown but you did ash because i've seen it in your house and you used to use it i used to use it but compared to k18 it's shit no but what i'm saying is at the

time you probably raved about it and i was like this new product yeah and my hair salon used to have it and in lockdown we all were olaplexing to death yeah and we were like olaplex fucking brilliant right but then sometime later and i have heard this my hairdresser said it's got quite a lot of protein in it so you can't overuse it and it can snap your hair next thing people aren't using it really anymore my hairdresser doesn't use it anymore and it's all right but by this time we've all jumped on the bandwagon there was an infertility link or something as well what was that don't quote me on that there was what did you send to us so basically loads of women have come out saying that the hair has fallen out after using patches and stuff and then they've tried to

sue olaplex but olaplex have won so maybe it's not maybe that's not true it's clearly it's been ruled like that it wasn't that causing the hair to fall there is a massive brand hair brand right and they make the packaging look very organic and eco and this brand has been sued by numerous numerous women for their hair falling out and they sell it in uh boots what's it called i can't i'll tell you off um the other thing there's a certain brand of very expensive leggings that we were talking about before yeah really good fucking brilliant again everyone goes for it and then it turns out behind the scenes they're actually one of the worst for how they treat the staff and what the women get paid in sweatshops so just annoys me how you can be really into one thing and you

spend all your money on it and you put it in your hair and then it's not good anymore so yeah that's know me you've been using k18 haven't you i have just bought some they're paid 80 pounds a month the workers there that's right well there you go so k18 is absolutely incredible really good but then we say this is this is what annoys me like how do we know it's helped my hair grow at the front yeah i'm gonna try those glower tablets are fantastic yeah i use those as well really good so we're gonna go into a break and then we're gonna be back with your confessionals your Slatty Susans. Slatty Susans.

Welcome back. Hello. Hello. Hi, girls. I am absolutely loving the podcast. I'm a big fan. I wanted to come on and share my story so we can all have a little giggle

at my huge embarrassing moment. I love that, that like now, when something embarrassing happens don't be embarrassed just fucking laugh at it let me set the scene i've lived in my house for way over three years lovely quiet area loads of old dears you know the ones that send you christmas cards and knit your kids cardigans when they're born oh lovely sweet people anyway like we're gonna be when we're old absolutely i'm gonna be horrible when i'm old i'm just gonna be an alcoholic anyway i decided to order some sex toys to try and spice things up in the bedroom

I completely forgot I even placed the order until about a week went past. Ooh, love that kind of surprise. And I heard a knock on the door. It's my elderly, innocent, quiet neighbour who looks rather proud of herself. She hands me a box, which I can only describe as a Hermes mess.

You know the kind where they open it, don't like what they see, and shove it all back together and throw it over your fence or in the wheelie bin. Yeah, it's all smashed up. It's annoying when they do that. She said, I wouldn't recommend that one, love.

You'll get no speed. Get yourself a plug-in one, trust me. winks and walks away like a Cheshire cat. I am now the colour of a tomato. I am dying inside. The old hag has opened my parcel, clearly addressed to me. She knows what we're getting up to on Saturday nights,

but worst of all, I have a horrendous picture now of what she's getting up to. And I suppose it gives me hope for future that I'll still be having fantastic orgasms. P.S. I'd like to stay anonymous as I can imagine Doris will be listening. Oh, I love that.

So the old lady said the plug at the wall won. better everyone's saying that everyone's on that do you think old lady do you think people have sex until like the full-on like 80s what do you think i'm really intrigued about everyone's different i think um it's like an itch that needs scratching and it depends how itchy you are like what do they still like well do you know what i mean because what like when you're really old are you still having sex because i reckon they are do you think because Can a man still get a hard-on? Maybe they use Viagra.

But, like, can you imagine? Imagine it now. 70-odd. I don't want to. Having sex. Do they do it or not? Or do you think they stop? I'm interested.

I think once I hit 65, I'll just sew it up. There'll be no use for my vagina anymore. Will you leave your clitoris out? I'm just wondering. I don't know. I just genuinely wondered, do people still do it at that age? does it work

and if they do do it they're not very nimble like they're quite croaky so they can't do much is it like a very slow I don't know why I'm thinking about this but I'm genuinely interested

yeah they definitely do like hey those swingers oh my god the swingers so we've mentioned them a few times and when we were trying to record

we're obsessed oh my god we've not said the YouTube thing oh yeah so I went to Ashley's whatever day it was and we started

a YouTube it's supposed to be it will be eventually it's in it's infancy and basically we uploaded this really shit two minute video because if we didn't do something we were never going to do it and you have to buy the light in the camera you have to learn how to use it all don't you so we do intend to use it when we just give us a minute um we do intend to use it for

like makeup reviews product reviews follow us around what we're up to just general shite really somehow we ended up looking at porn yeah so honestly you should if you could have filmed us that day we would do one job and then look at porn another job so it was the swingers we were gonna purchase their only yeah ash was gonna pay for their only fans to see it and i found them online free and um it was just free porn it was mental so it's a couple they've been together yeah so they've been together for like 23 years they've been swinging and fucking for 20 it says and they have introduced a guy called mr rope oh my god he really can only tell you why he was called mr rope wow and basically it says things like watch my husband film me while mr rope fucks

me and and he was it was i was mind blown by this so i showed james when i got home and he's like would you like how would you feel about that and i said to be honest the idea of it is quite sexy but we quite enjoyed yeah we enjoyed it but whether i would actually want james to do that how do you know it was too novel do you think let's just stick to watching them do you think How would you feel Do you think No I'm the most jealous person

Would you not like that No no no I don't know I'm quite I've found I am quite jealous With James We'd probably end up Going to a swinger party

And get absolutely Fucked on a drink Because we were nervous Yeah And then have a blackout Yeah we'd pass out With our arse in the air What happened

Don't remember Sore vagina the next morning That's what I'd do Killing kittens Mr Roop Yeah I know I'm booking on to the next one Are you not going to go to this one

I can't It's been It's been No I was really ill, wasn't I? Oh, yeah. Is that when it was? It was like two days ago.

I can't keep up. My life's like a whirlwind. I'm booking on to the next one, but you're not allowed to come, are you? No, it's not that I'm not allowed to come. I just... Let's see. Right, well, we've got a voice note now.

First of all, I absolutely love the podcast. It is getting me through my life. But I wanted to share this crazy story with you that i heard recently so i moved out to dubai not too long ago and i've heard so many fucked up stories out here it's crazy but one in particular that stuck out it just reminded me of one of your previous episodes where you discussed the handmaid's tale and if handmaids were real etc so i previously have watched the handmaid's tale um it is so good but this girl was telling me recently um that she got paid a shit ton of money out here to have quite an

important guy's baby so he's quite well known in Dubai um and his wife is unable to have children so she stepped in took one for the team and basically said that she would give him a child so she was invited around to his house and was just thinking that it was just going to be sex normal sex and when she arrived they told her to wait outside his bedroom on her hands and knees so she was like okay maybe he's just got a weird fetish when she went into the bedroom his wife was already on the bed she had to lay in between her legs and the wife held her down whilst the husband had sex with this girl she literally said it was the image of her maid's tail and she just laughed the whole way through because she was thinking what the fuck is going on with my life

um so yeah I wish that was the craziest thing I'd heard out here we need more but it definitely isn't I guess this part of the world is interesting when it comes to fetishes um but what makes the story even funnier is the fact that I met her on Halloween and she was dressed up as a handmaid so she was very much in character um but yeah it just made me laugh and I wanted to share it with you both so hope you enjoyed that little story I hope you've carried on watching the handmaid's tale because it's so fucking good um but very very weird but yeah I guess handmaids do exist and yeah love you both enjoy the rest of your day thank you bye we love you so there's she was a real handmaid and that they've watched that's a true story so she can tell and they have definitely

watched that program to get that idea i thought he was gonna do something weird to her no but how how what do you do something weird how much more weird than the wife pinning her down no you don't think that's weird no i didn't say that i said i mean i thought the story was gonna be like weirder yeah yeah yeah what your levels of i wonder who it is um it'll be like it'll be would it be like a shake something like that no

listen so that's like Chardonnay of footballers wives when she had to pretend to be pregnant and have a baby bump and didn't everyone

say Beyonce did that as well everyone said she did that sorry I'm eating chocolate have you seen that video where she sits down and her stomach like folds in half

do you think that's true could be stop doing that Lauren you sound vile Lauren's list Paul

Anyway, so the wife will have to pretend to be carrying the baby for... I'm really interested in this story. The girl that sent this, can you tell us more? If anyone else knows any stories like this, this handmade stuff and pretend pregnancies, I'm really intrigued by all this shit. And also, can you tell us more Dubai stories? I want that girl to send us more stuff.

Yeah, tell us more dark Dubai stories. We love that. There is a lot. I believe that a lot goes on there. Port-a-potty. Yeah, a lot goes on there. Do you remember when you were on that boat with those hookers? Oh, my God.

If you've been listening from the beginning, then you'll be well aware of this. But one of the reasons we started this was this type of thing. And there was a rumour going around because I went on holiday to Dubai. You were a porter. I was a porter because I went on holiday. Well, I've never been. Well, so I went and I went on a boat, like a party boat,

like everyone does. Anyway, the video of us dancing, there was a load of girls and they were dancing and I was kind of, I can't dance. i was sort of like out of out of beat dancing in the background anyway this video was recorded by a really really famous dj and he put it on his instagram and people started tagging me in it the next day imagine waking up to fear and i was like huh huh and i was like is that you lauren and then anyway it got shared all over and drake actually liked the video and so if you i've spoken about this before on the pod but if you're new to this and then everyone online started

saying that i was um a prostitute in dubai and that i was a porta potty i mean i wasn't but A port-a-potty. A port-a-potty. Yeah, because the men shit in your mouth. Oh, they poo on you. Obviously, I went on fucking holiday and went on a boat and partied. Port-a-potty, that's what they call it. That's what they call it, but no, I didn't do any of that.

But do you know what is annoying? That if you go on holiday to Dubai, that that's what you are. Listen, you could have gone to anywhere and be that. Mate, I could go down Berry New Road and still be a brass. Exactly. You could go and poo on someone's chest. Like, it's just ridiculous. What is it about poo?

Because that's what it is about Dubai. Port-a-potty. It's a thing, port-a-potty. you lived in Dubai how do you not know all this rumour I never ever

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