Nip Tuck - Come On Ya B*stard

Episode Date: March 22, 2023

Ashley & Lauren's daughters are growing up and it's starting to scare them. Lauren's daughter has asked for a crop top and she's not happy about it. Whereas Ashley's daughter seems to be taking control of Alexa and it's driving her crazy. And Slutty Susan is back for another week and we love how honest you are because these stories are hillarious!To get involved with the show, you can send us a DM on Instagram and TikTok, find us @niptuckpod.Or you can email [e-mail] can also send us your Icks & Dilemma's via WhatsApp! You can text or voice note the girls on [phone] Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

hello and welcome to nip tuck not giving a fuck we don't give a fuck we just don't give a fuck so this is the podcast where we celebrate being positive aspirational women this is all about being unapologetically yourself and trust me when you start doing that it's addictive it's addictive and you will never change i've got no knickers on today have you not no i've been trying to find some nice knickers and I cannot hanky panky knickers one size fits all one thing that I'm going to take from Ashley I don't give her much you know I'm not that nice but one thing that I will say I've learned from Ashley bedding expense so I have I there's certain things you should spend your money on and I think some things are ridiculous but bedding that one underwear

now I thought when you you bought some no was it not the skims something it's expensive I was like like you're paying that for knickers and then I looked at my knickers that were falling apart with bits hanging out with them and I thought no you need to look good from the moment you put your underwear on

I think it's like you can get like a pack of three and it is expensive £36 from Skims or do you mean hanky pankies no the hanky pankies

are they more are more the hanky pankies last one size fits all so I don't know they're like you know the

Victoria's Secret thongs yes and they stretch you can't see them through your gym leggings do they give you lumps and bumps no

so I need some new underwear and I will i'll say it's your birthday coming up isn't it it's my birthday so you know i'll bring you a pair of my hanky pankys yeah and honestly get lucas guys they're just anyway yeah there are certain things that i feel like i now invest much more than i ever would have an underwear is my next like tick list of things that i want to invest in and on that note on that note on nip tuck we want you to get your voices heard you can email us at hello at niptuckpod.com you can also get in touch via whatsapp that means voice notes we love a voice we love a voicey and we can play

them out in future episodes but don't worry if you want to remain anonymous that is absolutely fine and we promise we will never reveal who you are simply head over to this episode's description for more information on how to get in touch you know we want to know like what's been getting on your tics, the gossip, giving you the ick, the goss, questions for us. Yeah, we're happy with questions, advice, what your boyfriend or girlfriend's doing to piss you off. Men, we really like it when you get in touch. We love that.

It's like a different element. We have been asking the readers, readers? Listeners. We have been asking the listeners to ask their boyfriend for some icks for us. We're waiting on them. I want to read out some women ick. I'd like to learn a bit there. But basically, you can give us your icks, but we don't give a fuck.

We don't care. So we're going to ignore them. But here we are. We're back. we're back in surgery we're back again I'm tired as always

I was late to school this morning had to make up an excuse I didn't have one I was just late because I was trying to get her in early

then I ended up late for there late in the traffic stuck here stuck there everywhere just horrific morning how about you well

I got up I had my matcha coffee I actually did I put my under eye pads on I saw the children for a fleeting moment

as they left with the nanny I masturbated and here we are yeah that's pretty much it yes okay amazing and then i'm off to get my hair done what you haven't done to it um i'm having my color done and then i'm having my extensions put how are you finding your extensions love i don't um and then i'm off to berlin tomorrow with amazon you are are you excited i'm not gonna lie no i don't get nervous no i'm not nervous um but influencers are usually twats um and i've been to these events and luckily enough

i'm usually accompanied by you so we're both they think we're twats but we know that they're we just sit and laugh at them but i'm without my wink yeah so you're a bit like and these influencers are like in the 100k yeah so they're like serious i'm very small you've got a blue i've got your small fry um and so basically amazon associates um asked me to go with them to berlin and they're taking its beauty fashion home and gaming accounts so there's like that is a mixture of random gamers i didn't know how big gaming um is massive i didn't and the home accounts are huge I love a home account

and they sell a lot of Amazon stuff for home oh I didn't know I didn't know that and it's meant to be really good I once bought a pair

of curtains off Amazon they were the worst things I've ever bought oh tell them that I do like the skincare-y stuff but the brands

that are there they're serious aren't they L'Oreal L'Oreal Garnier you're gonna get such good free shit

yeah there's a gifting station and I'll get you both some stuff and it's on ipads you go over and put in what you want and it gets delivered to your home address now that is not remember we went to that one with a gift in and i literally i was couldn't walk that is a good event yeah that's yeah i mean like honestly though i don't ever take stuff that i don't want because just it it's pointless yeah i take everything that's all they're like this is

for babies i've got no idea no intention of having one so yes i'll take that for when i next i've got like 10 bottles so i think i'll have some funny stories when i come back i think you will go and go over that do you know i the thing is with me and ash was so different i'm like i don't use amazon associates i used if like you have your thing i am like yeah i just you do the we shop thing yeah i do we shop i love we shop like genuine go on my page if you want to look about my stories but yeah we just have our own things that we're interested in i think that's really good like i did i have got an amazon associate account but i just don't use it so why would i pretend that's your thing do you know yeah i think that's good about us there's loads of good things

about us um so what have you done at the weekend sorry go back in berlin yeah then um there's a surprise performer i can't wait to see this i don't i know it's gonna be really funny um so i'm going there what did i do at the weekend it went so quick how quick did the weekends go i mean you don't work so is it even any different to you no no like what is a week is a weekend any no save it i don't mean that in like a but is it any it just is more acceptable to drink in the day yeah whereas in the week it's not so you have to hide it in the week in the weekend it's like in the week i'm walking around the house with wine and a coffee mug have you ever done that before i don't drink in the house now and again i'll drink in that i really don't oh that's my

favorite thing to do no i like to drink to when i'm going out out and i'm on it i don't drink because then i know the hangover is going to be horrific if i drink in the house i just get a bit like i know i just don't i'm sat there in the house like yeah i'm pissed now what now what we're gonna do okay no it's not for me though i couldn't anyway because i have all the children this week and i have to say right anyone who's listening out there who has more than two children oh jesus praise be god i bow down to you because we have the kids we don't have them full time obviously they've got the mums two or more um but when we do have them all we've got four now i enjoy my weekend with them and it's great but to do that full time i can't honestly we saw

that thing and it said that having children at home is harder than any full-time job apparently when you actually work out the cortisol the stress levels and all this it's actually harder than having a full-time job and i have to say as amazing as they are and the well-brought up kids oh my god if you've got to do that every day for the rest of my life i couldn't when you make food and it's coming up to mother's day four portions of food and then wash and eight three times a day make breakfast four portions clean away four portions a few hours later four portions clean away four people to bath four people to get ready for school I swear you mums that do that I have so much respect I mean you must have wanted to or you wouldn't have kept having them because I wouldn't

but anyway so one of the things I want to ask you about Ash is your opinion on this so at the weekend Thea is all of a sudden like growing up like you wait to happen to Saskia it's like one minute she starts doing sassy things and like I'll see her do this out of like the corner of my eye like it's she I can't tell you she's gone really thin and tall and it's just mental so she's got into dancing green green grass oh if i hear green green there's another one as well no no no no no no when you get home say alexa play tidy up a rumba i don't want to i don't tidy up a rumba tidy up a rumba and it's this Spanish song and she like walks around like put it on

I'm going to get her to put it on she started doing all this dancing and when she does it I don't know where she's learned these moves I swear she's been watching Babe Station on my life she's literally the sass I think where is this from

she doesn't even go on it I don't know where it's from I do find them watching some weird shit all of a sudden she was like I want a crop top why I don't know So I messaged my friend who's got kids the same age and I was like, girls, they're asking for a crop top. I don't know what to do.

And she was like, yeah, this is what happens. She's going to ask for a crop top. So we went shopping. We went to Trafford Centre and we went to somewhere that I never thought I'd ever step foot in again, in all honesty. I'm not going to say where it is. Why do they have to brand everything with fucking River Island on it? I actually don't mind the clothing. I don't mind the clothes.

But it says River Island everywhere. The baby clothes are gorgeous. No, some of the kids clothes. are absolutely No the girls baby clothes are cute Oh the boy one

did you see the one I put with the man bag No Anyway we went in and she put on this crop top and she

Well that's our deal with River Island God Ruined She stood there in the mirror with this crop top on and she felt herself She was like

I'm feeling myself I'm feeling myself She was this crop top on and she's and I didn't so I said right you can buy it but you're not wearing it

outside of the house absolutely not and my friend was like oh come on so I want to know what people's opinion is on this she ain't wearing

a crop top outside the house no so I said you can wear it in the house you can gyrate what about bikinis

so this is the next thing that it brought me on to I have always been absolutely no to bikinis no no no I think the sexual

oh they are quite cute I think there's just no I'm sure Saskia's does she not have a little one not like a sexy one

but she has because I remember saying to you from that angel's face yeah and anyway I've ended up getting one

because again she wants one and it's very girly and frilly but i don't know how i feel about it so i want to know like people's opinions on that should children when the kids are when they're allowed to wear crop tops when are they allowed to wear bikinis do you let them grow up too early you just have to protect them she's five is a crop top okay for a five-year-old no but when is it okay and why i don't know like someone help me i'm not at this mothering stage yet so i'm gonna need some advice so any advice yeah because is it

not just the same as when they wear like gymnastic clothes i think this is where it's come from Because she started going to dance class. I think this is where it's come from. But is it all right or not? I don't know. I don't know. I remember when I first needed to wear a thong. Oh my God, Tammy girl.

I was like, needed because I had an outfit on that was white and kind of a little bit see-through. I remember my mum being like, oh God, my knickers you could see through and didn't look right. If we went back in time now to Tammy girl, do you remember? They sold thongs age six to seven. Yeah, I didn't get them then. And they sold those mini crop top padded bras. High heels. yeah and you just couldn't now and i remember my mum saying you need a thong with that and my dad

being like absolutely not someone was like i'll get you one just don't tell him um i don't know how old i was but i remember it being a massive deal like at what point are these things okay i don't know i guess you just i mean look how we did i know parenthood i have just it's been like someone's put a blindfold on me and i'm a celebrity challenge throw me in like a river with a blindfold on and that's what parenting has been like for me literally like trying to find my way through i'm just hoping that i'm doing it right but i don't think anyone is do you so yeah let me know what you think about crop tops other thing that happened to me this weekend and this is like a little preach for you all that's listening and ash probably thinks shut up but somebody will be

listening this will help my mum came around you know that bot that drawer that you have full of absolute shite of paperwork of fierce swimming certificates and you think i need to sort that one day well it was all at her house so she brought it she was like oh no she dumped it why do mums do that to you it was like car tax it was all my mum and dad moved house recently and they literally took so much joy in dumping bringing it around and going fuck off so my divorce papers were on there so i sat with my mum and you know like you do nostalgia and i'm reading through and i was like oh god mum these are making me feel really sad because i remember how i felt at that time and i was reading it and it was like you say that your partner you were happy you thought you

were happy you had a baby and it was the woman was writing to me like all my divorce points so that we could send the the thing it was like you felt like you was you would hope the marriage would last but it wouldn't no i'm not but it was i read it right and my mum was like lauren this is how i felt too please don't get me wrong getting divorced was the single best thing that's ever happened to me in my life and if i would never go back and i thank god that that happened but what i'm trying to say is at that time i remember being a really fragile young girl i was like what 23 no I was 29 28 28 and my mum said Lauren I remember dragging you there because you were so weak and you sat there and she was the same and I was basically my point of this is when I look

back at that girl that I was it was probably the worst thing I've ever been through in my life and I sat there now in my house with my new partner and my mum reading through it like fuck this ripping it up and at that time if someone could have said to me you feel horrific now Lauren and you don't know how you're going to get through this but in a few years time you're gonna be sat laughing about it ripping them up in the house with your new boyfriend who's fitter than anyone you've ever been out with so i just want to say anyone out there just made me think i want to mention it on the pod who's going through a time where you think i'm never going to get through this this is sheer hell every day please sister keep going keep the wheels in motion

every day and you'll feel better soon that's all i wanted to say just share that if anyone's in a bad place you will come through that okay now that's a little bit depressing ashley it's not i know that there'll be people listening that but thank you for doing that bet you wait for the emails wait for the emails wicked anyway

on a more upbeat note yeah tell us about the Chanel costume oh my god right so I'm going on holiday

next week and I every season like and yeah I'm a twat for saying this

I try and get Chanel ready to wear and it's very very very difficult to get hold of it's not ready to wear then so I always put my name down

for a pair of jeans and I've done that for like the last I've never ever worn Chanel jeans have you seen how gorgeous they are no not really

they sell out straight away there's a waiting list for them and the swimwear I don't really own any Chanel I did some Chanel espadrilles ones well they've had

that price increase so yes they have that bag I got before the price increase and now the flat bags

have gone up to over 10 grand it's just fucking ridiculous I'd rather a Birkin what for ridiculous right so anyway so i have bought um some ready-to-wear pieces previously and they are expensive don't get me wrong and i was offered once a hoodie and i remember it being really and i had to say like no i can't i can't but anyway the haunts you don't yeah don't think the jeans and stuff like that like i think the jeans are about 1300 pounds but if you can get

hold of the jeans you can sell like not that i would sell them on but if you want to wear them you can sell them chanel ready to wear holds its value so um i bought a swimming costume last year i think it was like 850 quid it's ridiculous that ridiculous i know ridiculous yeah but then people listen can i just say when people come at you about this kind of stuff it's all relative so i might think that's ridiculous however my position i'm in now there could be somebody that earns a little bit less than me that thinks the things that i do are ridiculous it is all to do with your current financial situation so let's not so anyway it is ridiculous a swimming costume came in so i've got this group chat with my personal shopper and she says

ashley i've got a swimming costume um i was like perfect size eight yet perfect i'll send you the payment link are you ready okay guess i know it was expensive it must be expensive because basically ash put in the group chat i can't speak ash put in the group chat remind me to to tell you so i know it's a lot because if you thought it was ridiculous then it's a lot okay so your last one was 800 it's not going to be more than two grand is it for a fucking yeah it was more how much 3 750 pounds obviously i didn't buy it for a costume it didn't have any i mean i would want it to say Chanel all over it. You could get full body surgery in Turkey for that.

Yeah, exactly. I mean, it did say Chanel all over it. All over it. I'd want it hanging out of the crotch. Yeah, I said no, obviously. So what did you say though? Was it a bit embarrassing? No, I was dead honest.

I was like, who the fuck's buying a swimming costume for £4,000? That was silly. And then, so, then I thought, this is ridiculous. I need to bring myself back down to earth. And on International Women's Day,

i went in to this charity um it's called the river if anyone wants to look it up and basically it's in i think it was like ermston or something and it's like this little charity shop and you go in and they had like not anything much in there bless them um and i took quite a few bags of clothes and perricone sent in skincare and stuff amazing um so i went in there and when we were in there the lady was like oh we're doing an event tomorrow for international women's day um and the girl that's meant to be painting nails has pulled out i went and i painted the girl's nails and i'm not saying more but like it was the most humbling so they that's a charity shop and the money that they make goes to they've got a food bank at the back of it right so the way in which they work is when

a lady gets put into um housing and has decided to leave her partner so they have to leave like quick because it's usually domestic i had a lady message me once about this yeah and basically they for 30 quid will put everything in a removal van oh my god so say you're sat there and you're thinking i need to get out and you're panicking you've got no way out how amazing they will fix it for you that's so it's like this group of lads that work there as well and then they've got their own van that they drive around moving all these no honestly so say there's a woman in danger and she's like i can't take this and i'm gonna get killed and my children in danger they ring them and they come and rescue them yes and then another thing that i'm gonna get you two to come and do

with me is when they move into the um accommodation it's usually not very nice and obviously they've got kids and they've got they're doing what they can exactly and um they if they the ladies uh buy the paint they will paint two rooms in the house for them so come with me one day and we'll go and do the painting so can i just say these women have been through hell and you want me to paint their fucking house i will i would make real hell i am the worst painter ever i will make cups of tea you paint i'll make cups of tea you don't we don't want to subject them to my painting in the house what they were saying is like they are so grateful for people's time yeah because there's just like you know we're all guilty of it i especially am i drive down the road into

knutsford and drop stuff off outside your standard fucking charity shop i don't know where the big names the big names and you actually don't know where that's going i've heard this quite a lot i won't say them but because they're still doing an amazing job but these big charity names you wonder how many people are actually getting paid at the top for some of the i've heard this before about charities actually the people that work them they're at the top are getting a lot of that money and like honestly when you've just had a baby and stuff like the stuff that you've got like you're right i've got so much stuff and and sometimes you're lazy and you put it in the bin there was things like um i had like a dinnerware set yeah how much how useful that would

be yeah but you wouldn't you wouldn't think you wouldn't think you know when i've moved house i i've thrown plates away and stuff and that's somebody it could be everything like you just don't think but um next time because they only let you know like the day before when they've got like um a job that i guess i guess they can't like be telling people in advance so it can be quite serious like people are in danger here yeah you have to have be like fully checked out before you go and work with them but then they had at the back of the shop she was like they just set up this room where they were doing counseling and they didn't even have a door it was just a little makeshift curtain oh my god but the fact that they're even trying to do all this

and just trying to do whatever they can amazing well well done for going from like fucking sat there nearly buying a thinking about buying a 3700 to seeing that exactly it does make you realize how lucky you are but at the same time like i've just said everything is so relative like that's your life oh my god you shouldn't be put down for that so um i need to talk to you later about my ivf uh appointment thing i got a really horrible message off someone because i put a post up um just saying like i'm i'm back here again i'm having some tests done and this lady sent me a message and she said um it was really insensitive doing the post and it really triggered her because she doesn't have enough money to have kids and stuff like that she was worried i can't

remember exactly what it said but it basically was saying that you were probably triggering a lot of women that were panicking about having children and it did make me think twice but at the same time my instagram's my fucking space and i'll post whatever i want on there and i actually do feel like i helped more people then you hindered i think the really tough thing with being in the position that we are um any position where you have a lot of people following you is you absolutely cannot please everyone no and if you start to censor yourself to a level to try and please everyone you become absolutely nothing and you have no opinion and your space is boring and i think you can't everyone has triggers so you can't sit there and be like i'm not going to eat a

banana today i'll put my banana because someone's allergic to it you can't you cannot you have to be you authentically you and if you would never want to upset anyone would you of course you wouldn't no if that triggers somebody then unfortunately there's a lot of people you will have helped and i don't think your post was to panic people i think it was to inform people of options and i always say to you not everyone can just you sometimes say like just freeze your eggs yeah thousands of pounds no i know people can't just freeze their eggs i admit i'm wrong i'm wrong however however i think you giving people the option they could save up for it's just the knowledge of it i think and i don't think you did anything but also i'm having to do that for

fucking health reasons so that's hard enough for me to deal with so fuck go and fuck off yeah just do you know what i don't understand when people send the message then unfollow you just unfollow there's a quote there's a quote and i posted it and i can't remember it word for word but basically what it said is if you walk into someone's house and you don't like their furniture and you don't like their paintings on the wall and you don't like the way they speak to their children and you don't like the way they run their home would you tell them all this no what you would do is you would leave the house and think i'm not going to go back there again now this is the same for instagram if you do not if you come to my space and you don't like my hair you think i'm got

another boyfriend again and you you don't like how i speak um then that's fine leave and don't come back but in all the time that i've posted like having surgery and stuff done i've never had a message like that so i just was like you just gotta keep doing what you're doing babe and haters are gonna hate and people are gonna have their opinion and there's nothing we can do about that you just carry on being yourself and that's what we try and tell people i don't want to upset anyone obviously you upset me every fucking week well anyway so we will be back after the break with what's on our tits and your slutty susans i know what's getting on people's tits what you yeah i am clearly you don't you do get on mine but i love you

welcome back so we were saying in the it was a bit of a sad for us quite a deep um first half i mean we are that we can't let's just be silly like we can be like we're a bit of everything ashley's gonna cry um we can't is it your eyes because they're sore they're so are you gonna cry are you not sure not sure do you know i've been like that all month um i've mentioned this before i take medication um i guess it's for depression don't really anxiety depression and i have done for 30 years and honestly and now and again i forget to take it and it's the worst tanya barsley spoke out about this it's the worst thing you can do and sometimes i won't take it for maybe a week because i and i can honestly my emotions shift all over the place because my body can't

cope with the up and down so you know what you need to take ashwagandha i know i know i keep meaning to do that i've heard no ashwagandha is meant to be incredible it's all holistic ashwagandha is so good it's for your serotonin it's not a country no that's like that ayahuasca weird yeah no it's not that this is something different i do no i i absolutely do i'll be fine again but yeah it just it's really weird to anyone that just don't ever do that shit like do it like the doctors tell you to so what's been getting on your tits hun somebody that really offends everywhere i don't think anybody can find this man okay who steven bear fucking arsehole right so he's a horrible narcissistic disgusting piece of shit he wants as much attention as possible he

got absolutely no success in his life in being himself no and being just normal no he's not good enough he's not got enough going about him so what he had to do is become a villain and kind of bit like andrew tate tried well did he win big brother or something surely to god not who the fuck watched that will you google that lucas um he went out with one of them fit sisters ellie o'donnell did he yeah for ages he did he is just everything that's yeah he won celebrity did he win i'm sure he did i'm sure okay but what i will say is his actions right now are disgusting what he did to georgia harrison with that revenge porn video was fucking disgusting and you know what if he'd have come out and said yeah he won't he won't he won't right well something's going on

then i've not watched it has he changed has he realized that that wasn't working anymore so he needs to be the villain i don't know but what he did to to that poor girl was horrific he should have owned it well done georgia for going through going ahead and pushing that because do you know how many people and you know it's like us when we talk about that horrible website

it's more clicks on the fucking website it's drawing attention to it and she has drawn attention to that video at her own expense

she and a family that will have had to have heard all that at her own expense she is pushing it for the greater good he must be in

some bizarre relationship with that poor poor girl I hope that during his time in prison she realises

will he actually go to prison though no he's in prison now he's in he's in I hope he takes the time he's going to be in for at least a year

good because you can't go around doing shit like that and well done to Georgia I've got to say that and I'm not I'm normally quite I don't mind people

that are dicks I'm kind of a bit he's a proper dick I'd rather you were a bit of a dick than boring but him to me the lack of

nothing nice the lack of respect that he should he was getting I think I heard he was getting out of a shitty little car getting into a hired

Rolls Royce to turn up with his fur on and I just think you are everything that's wrong with men he proposed to his girlfriend the week before

he got sentenced of course he did so that's getting on my tits Ash what what's getting on yours it's embarrassing

for me isn't it it's the what May the Molly May jacket oh the Molly May smack it

I'm embarrassed I'm embarrassed I didn't know it was the Molly May jacket it's the Molly May jacket right okay no shade to Molly May by the way

she follows me on Instagram my friend Schmert on the front doesn't hide the idea. Yeah, we think that if we put Schmert and the amount of people that message us about

Schmert Schmert and they were like, so does Schmert say this is the second thing? Schmert Schmert So Schmert Schmert Schmert Schmert Everyone comment Schmert

in our pictures. So Schmert Schmert wore this Zara viral And it's a lovely jacket. It's a stunning jacket. It's like a crop so it's a nice length and it's like a brownie black

It's brownie black so you can wear it with all sorts. So you can wear it with everything. This jacket is like the most versatile jacket and it's like 80 quid heavy good quality

looks great over tracksuit as Molly showed us so I was in Zara and I picked it up and I was like oh this is nice and Francesca went Francesca knows everything

she went no and I was like what and she went it's the Molly May jacket and I was like what

no literally then after we're in the Trafford Centre ding ding ding Molly May jacket fucking everywhere

there was that TikTok someone did a TikTok at the Adanula sample And it goes, and another one. And another one. Yeah, like no shade, but it's just one of those things. It's like the Adder hoodie. The Adder hoodie.

I've had to sell both of mine on Depop because I'm not. Because you can't. Me, Megan and Katie turned up for breakfast together, all wearing the grey Adder hoodie. I've got a green Adder tracksuit, but I got it before that. We all do it. We all wear the Adder socks. Yeah.

It's our basic bitch outfit. The embarrassing thing about this is I, so they released a longer version of the crop because I'm not keen on a crop of the longer version. I'm just on Zara. I'm minding my own damn business. I'm scrolling. I think, oh, what a lovely jacket.

Versatile, browny black, slightly distressed. Oh, I think I've seen the cropped version. A longer version, absolutely add to the bag. Arrives at my house, put it on. Looking in the mirror. I've got my tracksuit. I've got my added tracksuit underneath. I'm thinking, gorgeous, versatile, absolutely.

80 quid can't go wrong winner winner winner winner hanging it up in my wardrobe and then I get a text

on my phone and it's a tiktok and I never click any of Ashley's tiktoks because she sends pure shit clicked on it and I was like

that's my jacket that's my jacket and I was like I've just ordered this she was like absolutely send it back so I went I hot footed

you're like when you're standing on call when you're running on call back to Zara back to my to my wardrobe put it back away and sent it back

because I feel like I can't wear it now and it was a really nice jacket so yeah if you've got it good for you do you know where I went in the other day

that had so many nice clothes All Saints All Saints I knew you were going to say that you love All Saints don't you I could have bought everything Lucas absolutely loves it

it's so classic and gorgeous I buy nothing I've never owned a thing from All Saints I used to work at All Saints that means you must be fit do you want me to tell you my All Saints story

I know it you can quote me on this tell it All Saints board yeah you had to be fit to work at all saints really fit and this was in the days before um hr really existed and so i went to south ridges i fucking loved working in retail like i met so many friends it was when i was at

uni um well from 16 i worked at south ridges but um i always kept my job at all saints i was going out with a dc i was going out with a man city player at the time right and the um i kept my four hour shift from two till six on a Sunday you wanted the discount because you get 50% off

and you get uniform yeah do you not like get an allowance for the full yeah oh

I could buy like a full outfit every 12 weeks so I kept my little job anyway the manager was a United fan and he fucking

hated me because my boyfriend if he wasn't playing would pull up on a Sunday and like come and pick me up and we'd go for food

blah blah and he's just like why are people that into fucking honestly one day really we need to speak like this another day because it's an ick one day i went into work and he used to pull me on so much shit and he went um you need to clean the toilet and i went sorry what and he was like yeah you need to go and clean the toilet and i was like i'm not cleaning the fucking toilet i work like on the shop floor um and then he was like well

if you don't clean the toilet you can go home so i said fuck your job and i walked out do we know him no he's not i think he was on crack or something oh yes because it was quite a weird vibe in there it was like half the people were on crack but then the other half like were really like normal yeah did you work yeah traffic center one really yeah what years um i will have been 20 20 so 2000 oh okay no not 2000 2010 sweetheart trust me oh yeah i do this every time 2010 onwards um so yeah that was my story no 2000 2020 no 2010 2010 thank you for your story that everyone you've now just basically said so we've lost a deal with river island today because i've slagged them off we've lost a deal with all saints we love all saints but she said

that everyone's on crack that works there i have an unhealthy obsession yeah when i went in the other day the staff were all really really nice they weren't on crack they weren't on crack to know so they've obviously got rid of those people yeah yeah um i've never shopped in all saints for myself it's not my style i don't think but i'll the boots are just gorgeous i wish i hadn't have thrown my military boots i remember your military boots i remember i used to always wear them so anyway yeah that's what we've got to say that's what's getting on our tits today right let's move on schlattie sheejan come on girls what have you got for us this week hey absolutely love the pod I had to write in to tell you the worst ick I have ever experienced.

So, I once brought this lad from my area home after we'd been out, and to start off, his dick was literally minute. Oh, no. The smallest dick I've ever seen, which is an ick in itself. It's not fair because they can't do anything about it. And if it was a man writing in saying she had the shittiest tits I've ever seen, we'd be going wild, wouldn't we? I agree.

it's not fair it's not fair us slagging off small dicks because it's actually out of their control but anyway it was small and that's that yeah um it was it was small okay anyway this podcast isn't about it's about doing what we want and if i want i want to say wait back to the story drug me obviously proceeded to sleep with him anyway despite him having the smallest penis mountain And man, after like five minutes, I thought, I'm going to have to get this over with. So I was on top. I really started going for it. How funny is it when you think I've had enough now?

So you're like... And you're sweating and you're counting and you had one, two, three, four. Have you done that before? When you're really ready for it to be over. Okay, go on. Sorry, sorry, sorry. I cannot... I've got to say...

Go on. I can't stand, even back in the day... People that go for a long time. When the person's on top, the amount of times... sweating on you no where they sit down and they're not at the right angle and it goes yeah yeah yeah backwards dick yeah really you can break your dick so be careful girls on top i don't i don't you don't like that don't do it like that be careful girls on top it's dangerous anyway after five minutes i was like shagging away blah blah blah when i started going faster he slapped

my arse and shouted in the broadest Yorkshire accent Come on you bastard! And then he finished! Come on you bastard! Boof! Oh my god. I was literally mortified.

I thought, I can't stay here. Even though it was my house. But I also felt too awkward to kick him out because I knew him. so i did what any other classy girl would do and waited for him to fall asleep and then got a taxi to my mate's house she left her own house who was having an afters i came home at 8 a.m and just as he was waking up to leave needless to say i've never lived it down with the girls and they say come on you bastard at any given opportunity do you know what james did once when he cut when he

came what it pushed that hard that he went oh and i never ever don't make this a video clip i never ever let him live it down do you know these video clips are causing him real problems because i'm ripping him that much his mates just send them so don't make that a clip but if you listen to the pod then i'm happy for you to hear one of my friends when um well one of my friends was seeing this guy and um it was like one of the weirdest dates in the history of man like so she he said to her like he met her in the Trafford Centre just like

got her number then he took her to Pickley, you know Zolderley Edge and she just thought it was going to be like a standard date anyway in the car

on the way there he was like I've got a very special surprise for you I know this I think you've told us this go on and then they get in there

and he's got like the private dining room he's hired out like the whole restaurant basically who was it? Whisper oh yeah and um he'd like handwritten the menus and he was like and i've added tomato because

it reminds me of your ass and stuff like that anyway don't quote me on that bit and then after every course he proceeded to get this woman that brought out gifts wrapped gifts which friends is Schmancheska Schmenja and she had to open them in front of him and he was like watching her

anyway she ended up going she got home from the date and her mum was like are you a prostitute just tell me and she was like no

I've just been out with this weird man anyway she proceeded to start seeing this person because he was clearly like nuts

anyway bleep out her name bleep out her name and he bought a shit and whenever he came um he'd have a fit like a well like his body would just like him a spasm yeah and he said to her before they sat together for the first time he's like i need to tell you something when i come i do this weird like i have a fit and he said you need to make sure i'm in an okay safe position

because he's like hit his head before and stuff so when he had an orgasm he would have a fit and she'd have to put him in the recovery straight after like restrain him that's heavy did she stay with him no

no no she's not that's still not as bad as come on you bastard and slapping your ass like a racehorse any more of them we like that

I like that okay oh I get the big one she didn't she didn't she didn't it is tight it is tight

but it's listen it's our podcast it's life we can do it it's life eenie weenie teeny weenie

I once slept with a guy and his penis was so small that I thought he was fingering me hi lady how big was it I'll tell you who it was who

the lawyer yeah yeah yeah teeny tiny teeny tiny teeny tiny I remember the morning after you woke up from that shag

and you were like mate something's happened she was like that is she said that no it was it was

and also it's really funny sorry sorry also it's really funny he I faked it I faked it, which I have done in the past, like when I've needed to, I've faked it.

And what I tend to do is when I know that it's coming and I need to rush it up, I pretend that I am. Oh, obviously, that's the oldest trick in the book. And then the next day I get a text and he was really posh. He just wasn't me. And everyone still laughs to this day that I went out there. And he texts me saying, what was amazing about last night

is the way we timed our explosions so perfectly. I felt like saying there was nothing amazing or explosive about it. let me tell you it was planned like and he's like we exploded at the untimely explosion i was sending it to me so i was like oh i must be good at it anyway anyway anyway please don't make that clip because you know the funny things about these clips okay so when we're talking on the podcast i know that people tune in to listen to it and i feel like they're on our side like i'm okay with you hearing my embarrassing stuff because even listen to us for an hour even those

hundreds thousands of them i know that they're with us on this however when it goes on the socials on the socials i feel totally different about it on the socials like my mum's mates can see it they're never going to listen to the podcast so i find the socials really like much worse even though i've said it on the pod i don't like them being on there but here we are this is my job one of yours got 11.3 million yeah one of mine got 11.3 so imagine how many people have seen that they didn't just tune into the pod he said yours yours he said mine i was i speaking on it i expect so right okay hi ladies and lucas of course everyone loves you lucas just want to say i love the pod it makes me howl and i tell everyone about it thank you continue to do so

i have a horrendously embarrassing story and i would have voice noted it but it would have ended up going around the houses and annoying lauren i know i need things to the point so i was a few months into seeing this guy i'd met him through friends and we were having a night out and then staying at my friend's parents house her parents weren't home and she said to me the boy could stay in the spare room the house is very fancy and well kept as a mum's a bit of a clean freak and the sheets of the bed were super super white it's a minor now and it's so dangerous long story short we got into after drinks and started having sex sorry long story short we got in after drinks and started having sex he asked whether we could do anal and maybe at least he asked sometimes they

don't even ask you just get a shocker and me being pissed i stupidly agreed it's all a bit of a blur from there that story my life that but i remember him saying oh no and then we stopped and fell asleep this is the thing when you piss your wits aren't about you i woke up in the morning alone to shit absolutely everywhere i'm not kidding it was in my hair on the sheets the carpet the ensuite bathroom i could have died no i actually wanted to evaporate and run away to mexico with your shit in your hair i did my best to clean up and rinse the sheets under this fuck this is giving me anxiety and rinse the sheets under the sink no and tiptoed downstairs and popped them in the wash and went home i text my friend saying i'm sorry i came on my period last

night good idea yeah so i thought i'd put the sheets in the washing machine thanks for letting me stay she then replied later saying you poor thing i wondered what it was it's not come out yet i've been scrubbing it and to see if my mum can remove it as well i nearly died for years i've kept this a secret and then it ended up coming out in a game of never have I ever so she told her the truth

thankfully I have the best friend she's still my bestie and hats off to him years later we're still married with a little girl oh so they don't care

girls if you've ever done something or you were about to or if it ever happens horrifically embarrassing most of these stories we get most of these stories

we get they end up getting married and stuff like they're not arsed safe to say we don't do any bum stuff when we've had too much to drink

but I still die whenever I remember honestly the amount of bum things that happen what about I mean I've said this before but we've got new listeners the time that i the anal beads yeah and we were it was in the

morning and my friend had stayed over we'd all gone back after a night out and in the morning something was going on that guy loved shit up his ass yeah he did um put the anal beads where is he now is he in prison no but i can't i see him now now and again um he was he's happily married um and he we had the anal beads up and i pulled them out watch out open the floodgates thought thought nothing of it and then he was holding the sheets by his side wouldn't let me near them

I thought it was a bit weird anyway my friend was like taxi's here let's go got in the car I went what's that on your leg so I was like don't know scratched it

sniffed it it was poo as it pulled out poo had flied everywhere it was all down my leg so yeah these things happen guys like

if you just move if you go don't go near the area if you don't want if you don't want the heat get out of the kitchen if you don't want the poo get out of the butthole

remember on Nip Tuck we want you to get your voices heard you can email us at hello at niptuckpod.com you can also get in touch via whatsapp that means your voice notes too which we can play out in future episodes don't worry though if you prefer to remain anonymous we will never reveal who you are so simply head over to this episode's description for more information please please please also do not forget to give us a glowing

five star rating we've got loads you know we will be back with a bonus episode bonus of Nip Tuck this Friday

and it's all about your icks and dilemmas so if you send something in now you might get to hear it on this Friday's episode love ya