Nip Tuck - Depression Can’t Hurt A Moving Target!

Episode Date: February 11, 2026

The girls are getting cosy in their PJs as they gear up for Valentine’s Day. Ashley relives the very awkward moment she was caught out when multiple bouquets arrived on the same Valentine’s Day, Lauren shares a sneaky Alexa hack that helped one woman expose her cheating fella, and the girls read out some brutally brilliant words of wisdom from a listener who finally ditched the d***head she caught in the act.It's not all lies, sorrow and scandal though, as Ashley and Lauren share their love poems to each other and they are belters!Head over to our socials @niptuckpod and click the link in our bio to find our YouTube, where full video episodes will be released every Wednesday at 5pm. If you're a Patreon member, you'll now be able to watch the Friday Bonus too!Get in touch with your questions, dilemmas and Slutty Susie's via our Whatsapp or email [e-mail]

As I carried on, I saw it ding-a-ling-a-ding down the dual carriageway and it was a can of G&T. You know, the great green and... Ashley was in the car in front, wasn't she? Mate, I was in front of you! Pack it! G&T fag! I'm like, what's this rubbish shit? Just get a fake one!

Just get a fake one like some others! Is this where you said you have to buy? No, I would ruin it. they'd look at me and I'd be out so yeah so we're not having her

contaminate contaminating it you get the what is it they're saying you got any merch under there they think you're on about something else

under the table anything under the table any packet I might say any packet can you give us a deal for cash get out

oh my god can you imagine roses are red violets are blue is there any part of your body that still belongs to you oh

no yes guys hi and welcome to nip tuck now as you can see we are dressed in some snuggly jammers how come like cozy though yeah they're nice sateen satin the only issue i have with sateen and silk is it makes my armpits sweat these are cute these are from boo avenue i know loads of you are gonna to ask and as are the slippers slippers are really nice they're very comfy so so valentine special valentine special we've got a good one coming up okay so first of all we have got an alexa cheating hack and a story that's an absolute belter so i'm going to tell you that i'm excited

we've got a dilemma about a lady who found her husband's journal of boyfriends yeah it wasn't good so we're going to talk about that we've got a general chit chat men used to go to war and now they journal um catch up about life just a bit of all sorts really but valentine's based anata valentine's base and if you're on your own this valentine's don't worry so we have partnered with an amazing podcast haven't we so we have done a combined show now if you think we have got a lot to say this particular person is very us and it is going to be wild so that is going to be yeah you're going to absolutely love it and that is more of a valentine's day special so this is kind of valentine's themed is there something in your mouth love i think it's from that new cup it was

like i didn't wash it i didn't wash the new cup um oh well so anyway let's get cracking right quick plug youtube we're on youtube you wanted youtube you asked for youtube go and bloody watch it then and subscribe as well so we're on youtube you can always get in touch with us on the whatsapp you can email us you can dm us if you want to talk to us personally you can get on patreon patreon's bloody amazing you've got your extra bonus app on there as well i think i've said enough now about that i want to talk only fans without the tits only fan if someone said can you show a picture of your tits in there i would so i don't know right listen i i need to get something off my chest well on patreon where are we going ashley guys we're going to the

we're going to the brit awards so ages ago we well i because lauren's head is in the clouds i was like lauren the brit awards are coming to manchester this is is this the first time lucas that it's been in manchester good question no we went to the mtv award didn't we did we with Boo Hoo oh my god was that the MTV

I am so bad what did you think that was I can't remember yes that was in Manchester but I think that the Brits is quite big

the Brits is the Brits first ever time first ever time first ever time so the Brits is in Manchester on Saturday the 28th of February yeah apparently

let's see Jack Whitehall will be hosting it I saw that you know and I was going to say to you guess who's hosting it right we're stopping anyway um so we're going to the race right first let's just back stories we're not going to be we're not going to be like uh we're so cool no we were fucking excited about

it yeah and the us like four or five years ago would have been like yeah and we have to remember that um we're not going to be cool girl about this we we every year we're like didn't get asked to go somewhere again nobody wants us and anyway what's the one that we never get asked to go to not the brits no it's national tv awards yeah well why would we we're not on telly why would we we wouldn't you'd go off to be on telly for that or really famous anyway we're never getting and then yeah so this has come through and we're like fully going for like the full thing we've we're on a table and we don't have an outfit yet we don't have glam booked yet we you know i was well prepared and i thought i'm gonna book glam in for three o'clock like you know with our friend

alicia no no no no you have to be ready by like three o'clock yeah so obviously because you need like probably an hour of getting pictures then leave 40 minutes to get there so everything's in turmoil right now for us we're finding out hopefully today more on timings um but i just spoke to sarah then and she was like can you see if you can book alicia for the whole evening and i was like sarah no like i don't yeah i know anyway we need to look at that so we're gonna we don't have a dress we're gonna talk a bit more on the bonus aren't we about our dress ideas yeah because you know we wanted we don't want everyone to know the look we're going for i've not even looked because i was driving right i need to fill you in on that right so we'll talk

about a bit on the bonus and what kind of dress outfits we've got a stylist and we're going to talk about more on there because i don't want everyone to know yet my look my look well we don't know our look well we don't know our look we're going to soho house on sunday so on sunday we're going shopping in manchester i we're meeting at salvages i am updating my hermes wish and then um lauren's meeting me after uh don't make me go in there no no i'll say something I'll ruin it for you I'll be like what's this rubbish shit

just get a fake one just get a fake one like some others like what is this where you said you have to buy no I would ruin it they'd look at me

and I'd be out so yeah so we're not having her contaminate contaminating it you get the what is it they're saying

you got any merch under there they think you're all about something else under the table anything under the table any packet I might say any packet

can you give us a deal for cash get out oh my god can you imagine do you not know who we are oh my god so i'm not allowed to go to that so after that after that we're meeting we've got an appointment in personal shopping and we'll try some outfits or maybe have a glass of fez and then we are going for lunch at um so her house and i've never been

we'll report to patreon because patreon people keep saying has anyone been is it worth it what's it like so we'll definitely report back i think we'll probably vlog it won't we and put it on patreon well you can't well not that bit but i mean the day we'll probably vlog today we're gonna vlog today as well because today we're taking lucas for lunch afterwards and we're gonna do like a creative brainstorming session we're having a meeting we're having a team meeting so that's fun um so yeah it's it's all going on and busy busy for us wish us luck with finding an outfit to be fair do you know what when you like when i used to look at celebrities i'd be like why would you need a stylist same did you always yeah i just didn't used to understand it

and then i realized like partly you do you do because unless you are a stylist at heart in that case you would be a stylist but you're not because that's not your that's not your area of expertise so it's not your forte you can put an outfit together but that's a bit different to you know and if someone can put an outfit together for you and you don't have to think about it and you know it's going to be good i get it now i never got it maybe we'll just get into that stage in life now where we're just like oh we need a stylist i think it's the whole like um yeah it's expensive but at the same time like they're so how much was that one we won't say who but you looked at one a thousand pounds a thousand pounds to me and that's not a lot of celebrities who are

we know like you will all know as well like uk like kind of like big ones like fairly big ones yeah yeah most yeah but how are they affording a thousand pounds per look because they're using them constantly then you have to buy the friggin look put them on a retainer maybe and maybe i think and i don't know how true this is if you are famous enough would the stylist put together the look and then perhaps get the clothes lended for that look so you so because then the designer yeah so you don't have like red carpet so you may not have to pay for the dress so you pay the stylish maybe stylist it'd work out anyway a thousand pounds is wow so i think for red carpet though like you you want to need um a stylist because they need to

curate like the whole thing and whenever i do a shoot before we have said like what's the point no if you're on a shoot you need to and you're i'm modeling directing and like you've spent a lot of shoots are expensive so you want it to be right and there's certain parts of the shoot like the look the makeup the hair that if you're going to spend a lot of money on on the shoot that is done because it's going to be everywhere you want everything to be right don't you so yay to stylists yay to stylists there's a lot of like virtual ones now there's a few accounts that i follow on instagram and honestly i look so not necessarily i love the girls that do the reels with the outfits but they're not the ones that get me the ones that

i really like are the ones that put the just make the picture the flat lays the flat lay so it's literally just like top and i think fantastic i'll buy every single item yeah done and put it together and put it together and i will copy you there's one what's her bloody name style by lb i want to say i follow her she's rocketed when i first started following her didn't she do some work for you there was one that did some work for you my mind i don't know but this particular one didn't have loads of followers and she's smashing it and rightly so because it just saves you a job you go on instagram oh there's an outfit yeah bye bye bye and a lot of it's high street easy finished yeah so i'm all for those accounts and i champion oh what are you doing yeah style yeah

what are you doing glucose anyway right can i just say like i need to rant about something so we were just talking about my trip then to switzerland because my vlogging camera has been a return to its rightful owner thankfully and i have a question to ask you right oh god why do you know what these silks i'm slipping down the bloody thing i'm sliding down the fur and silk get yourself a little cushion i need an anchor get a cushion i need a drink on like this that's honestly i always sit with a cushion on my lap so yeah yeah look like your arm is rested and then i mean god forbid you must use your arm for a second but i've started getting that carpal tunnel thing my mom has had two operations for carpal tunnel syndrome the doctor said make sure

like when you're on your phone get one of those phone stands or have it on a cushion so i'm going to see a physio tonight actually and i got you back well i thought it was i think it's probably a combination but i thought it was more holding tommy in the night i get pins and needles all down my arm and can't feel my arms and i'm now thinking yeah this morning two of my fingers were white white as if the circulation hadn't gone to them they're all right now and i'm going to see a physio because i think i've got like a rotator cuff thing you know when you pull your jumper off your head when i get my arm to like halfway i can't move it might be to do with tommy but maybe i'm getting carpal tunnel syndrome from my phone as well because it's giving me tech neck

so maybe it's doing my arm as well and my friend the other day said how good my neck looks recently and it's from using the skin better science techno neck right cream well i'll buy it in a bucket is i've had that i checked on my phone when i ordered it yeah i thought i've been using this and my facialist commented on it yesterday i thought i've been using this loads and um then she commented on it and i went on my phone to see when i ordered it and it's lasted for 16 weeks and i use it every night that's really no it looks good your neck my neck is so dry by skin better science it's in an orange bottle anyway back to what i was saying right go on rant lucas has fixed the vlogging camera okay so guys when you go on holiday and it's always like your all inclusives

or your like you know your proper gluttonous holidays why do they put weighing scales in your room never thought about that because i was like in the room and i saw weighing scales she's like go on then we'll give it and then do you not think it's really funny if ever i get on them then james is like i'll weigh myself why and they stand next to you and they're like oh yeah why are you weighing yourself leave me everything i do and the kids go oh do it as well i was like to add like of all the things like that's true hair straightness no yeah like why a decent hair dryer absolutely not why weighing scales because the hotel then i was like the whole rest of the trip i was like i'm not gonna eat that i know why i know that i weigh this much so you don't eat

they're all inclusive you weigh yourself you stop oh my god or could it be for suitcases that's exactly where i was gonna go with that could it be for suitcases but then get one of those suitcasey things but what if you forget i've got another point you know while we're on this you just thought them do you know something really annoying i mean you probably don't go to a lot of these you have been to a couple in turkey what really annoys me and i think it's because it used to annoy my mom and it kind of passes down you hear them over the years in the background in it kind of gets in your mind so careful what you say to your kids but do you know when you go to an all-inclusive breakfast buffet why do people fill the plates fill the table with croissants

up to there say there's seven people at a table they get 20 croissants they waste have you ever I wouldn't do that. Honestly. I just get my bit. You get your bit. No, go right. Look at all inclusives. Because it's free,

it's different nationalities, I probably would say. Russians. Russians. They fill the entire table and then I always look because it's my mum. No, they don't.

Yeah, no, honestly. And they're not going to eat it all. And then that's going to get binned. And I always know my mum used to walk past the table and give them daggers and go to me, look at all that wasted food.

Look, I've been watching them fill the table. They've just left. they've not ate any of it so yeah there's anyone i eat a lot myself but i just wouldn't waste it like that you know what like i used to do all the time and maybe it was a uni thing go to like chinese buffets like are they still a thing yeah i've never been to a chinese buffet that is so you coded a chinese buffet i've never been oh oh my lucas how we got a chat can we go to record Can we, after a record taker,

so it's Chinese New Year soon. Let's vlog it out. A bit of this and a bit of that. Oh, Lauren, it's Chinese New Year soon, so there's loads going on in Chinatown. Well, maybe we could vlog it and go and have a Chinese. Let's vlog. Guys, can you send in to us your recommendations

of Manchester all- Buffet, buffet. In Chinese buffets, please. What does that mean? All the food's just left there. Babe, there was one when I was at uni that was a fiver. And it was all you could eat.

That was cat meat. Fiverr. A cat's like that big. Yeah, but cheap. So easy to get and cheap. So easily accessible. Trophy! Buffet!

Yeah, like Chinese buffets in Manchester. Let's go to one after our next... Let's do that. When we've got an hour after a record. How have you never done that? That's such a life experience that you've not done. There's another one called, that I've never been to

and I always wanted to go to when we were at Myers a kind of that era a red hot buffet world and it had all the different different national different types of food and it was on the corner

on the corner it had a red sign and people would go is that gone now I don't know but it was all like nationality food what's the word

is that right yeah all different food like it was different stations of all around the globe so you'd go you'd get yourself some like egg fried rice

and a piece of pizza and a blob of sushi I think there's one at the end of Dean's Cake called Cosmo oh maybe it changed they changed the name to that it used to be called red hot buffet world everyone used to love it but be like ew so did anybody go to that um right you've got a restaurant rant is this from the

pub that i sent you to right so i sent don't slag it off because no no it's not it's it's it's a genuine debate don't slag me local off it's a genuine debate this i genuinely have you seen beverly callard by the way just run to her instagram page and have a look guys okay who is she beverly oh sorry sorry sorry yes is she doing bits her instagram is just the campus thing i'm here right we're gonna show you okay anyway so the stanford pub in bowdoin lauren came around to mine the other day sunday new house and how cute with the kids together oh we need to talk about that as well the kids together how cute is snowy so we were together on thursday at the mum and me event as well and we took teddy and tommy

oh my god teddy is the he's gorgeous gorgeous he is so well behaved so lovely and he was looking after he was looking he kept giving him like his car and stuff he was really what he was lovely wasn't it and then no not really i just haven't spent much time with him really um i didn't think he'd be there and he was he was a lovely little boy so then on sunday me and james this time because i went to see the house that made you feel a bit better about having a boy yes he was i mean because like people obviously i've got a boy now but i've got a boy baby that doesn't mean anything until they're an actual boy no he was absolutely lovely very cute yeah so then on sunday james me james and tommy came to yours yeah and we came and had ed gave us a tour of the house gave james

a tour um your mum and dad came over for a bit that was lovely and your mum had taken snowy to church hadn't she yeah so snowy was there snowy is two just turned two oh she's the cutest she looks just like ashley like like blonde hair blue eyes and she's got these like little teeths and she's like this like she's so cute anyway she was so cute with tommy took her a while she was like so you know and then she was holding his hand and she was kissing him and cuddling him and then when we left she gave him a cuddle and then she was stood baby she was going bye baby tommy bye and then she was you know when they when they keep saying bye and you think i can't stop because it's going to upset her so james is reversing off the drive she's still going bye baby tommy

and every time i'm going bye again and then she's going bye baby tommy bye because you can't leave a child my nan used to do that you can't it was honestly it was to the point when we'd gone past your house and i was still like no my nan used to do that to the end of the road she'd be like and you can't let someone hang like that so i kept and every time bye baby tommy anyway right so i said to ashley where can we go popping out um i said where can we go for a sunday roast she recommended the stanford arms it was lovely nothing to do with the food nice yeah nice all good anyway we went there and let me set the scene so it was quite it's quite a busy pub it was actually really busy so that's why i said really chilled really not kids were there and we were in

like a little room and we had a table and it was a table for four so james always this is another thing i always like to sit opposite james but he always wants to sit next to me ed likes to sit opposite me but i like to sit next to him right so like if we're at a booth table i'll be like i'm sitting yeah so i can hold yeah well i i prefer to i don't know so let me just explain the table situation it was a table for four james and i was sat next to each other he was on the edge of the table so because he was pushing tommy it's quite busy there was the football on i we sat next to each other anyway so this man comes over and says because there's two seats opposite us that are free like chairs yes and he goes are these two seats free and i and i was like oh those

two yeah i said somebody might be joining us but i think you're probably all right you can take the chairs and he went it's for two kids i was like oh my god yeah take them and then he went no no no can they come and sit here no absolutely not let me finish absolutely let me finish because i have opened the debate on this so i was a bit taken aback and i was like was he a worker no no just a dad i think i wouldn't like to guess but i reckon he'd had a drink but i wouldn't like to guess a drunk dad i'm not i know you're putting words in my mouth i just had a feeling he perhaps had a couple of beers anyway and with no mother present just the man came into the little room we were in and said oh i know the room you can wear the fire so when i said yes the seats are

free i thought he meant to take chairs he said they're for kids so i'm like yeah of course and then he goes no can they sit here no so james is stood up with his shandy pushing the baby and i was a bit taken aback so i was like with us and he was like yeah they're only reading a book they said it's a bit loud in there and they just want to sit he said they're not babies they're eight and nine they just want to sit and read their book at the table i don't give a fuck so Go home. Go home if it's too loud in the pub. So I was a bit taken aback

and I kind of thought, you know, when anyone gets you with the kid card, you think there's nothing worse than when your kids are doing your head in. So I kind of felt a bit. Go home. So I went,

yeah, yeah, they can sit there. It's like, they won't bother you. He was in the other room. He was selling his kids to you. He was like,

they won't bother you. They just want to sit and read a book and it's too loud in there. So I looked up at James and James is going and James is like really nice, isn't he? So this must,

and he was going, what and i was like yeah they can sit there and he went and then i made a joke and i went to him oh my god we've actually just got away from four four other kids to sit here and he went oh nightmare still didn't say oh well i'll leave you to it then then he goes off to get the kids and james went why have you said yeah and i said i felt a bit bad they didn't do any harm so he went i'm not having two kids sat at my table and he was like we've come out number one to get away from the kids number two the parents are in the other room they're not sitting there and i was was the mum there not that i saw maybe in the other room so that got the debate going guys what

do you think is that acceptable is it not come in in the end he came back in and he went luckily for you they've gone outside playing now or something like that you're gonna get run over on a main room they don't want to so then james said to me why he went i'm surprised you just said yes to that and i was like well they're only sitting opposite us i don't care i wouldn't so that brought up the debate is that normal no what would you say if somebody said that to you i'd say fuck off really yeah i don't know i was kind of eating out expensive now like but they were only going to sit and read the book a bit awkward though and also what if one of them tripped and smashed the face and i was like whoa it's a bit you wouldn't they were in my care what if

they were weird home hon like you they don't need to be in the pub on a sunday i'm interested on on everyone's thoughts on that do you know what like i you know i have taken saskia to like coffee dates where i am distracted and you know um she might tootle around and whatever and i'm guilty of that sometimes the perfect place to actually do that with older ish i'd say five and above kids three four five six altering a market because they can't wander around altering a market there's a play area oh i thought you were gonna say no so in ulti market there's like the benches and then in the corner there's a play area right and it's got like um softy play bits so they can bug off all that and a lot of people everywhere you can see you can see them okay so would you

have said no would you have i would have said no that was the matt if i was the lauren i don't even spend time with my kids i get that like i do get that but if they were just reading a book I wasn't going to talk to them I don't give a fuck What they're doing So what would you have said Back to him Sorry unfortunately

We've had a bit of a break From our own children I'd say I think it's best You take them home If it's too loud in the pub I'd actually say it like that Would you

Yeah wouldn't you I think you might be right And I'm Normally I'm quite like Yeah yeah Because I don't As we know I don't love

I don't think I'm Confrontational enough I'd probably have just Done what you'd done And been absolutely Fuming about it But I can be Like I'm fine

Saying fuck off But I actually wasn't And I don't even need To be rude and say fuck off you could just say oh do you know what it's too loud for them you best take them home yeah oh you could say do you know what we've just got a day without all ours which i did why the fuck are we apologizing to fucking weird men that want to drop the kids you're right kids you're right no go and take them home you freak yeah okay well there's the debate and that's your

answer i'm just i said to james i'm gonna put this on the pod would james ever ever ever ever Never. I thought he was taking the chairs. And then when he was like, no, they're going to sit here, I was like, oh. No, they're not. No, they're not.

Anyway, they didn't in the end and Tom joined us instead and we had a lovely little bit of Sunday dinner. What other gossip have we got? Do you know this morning when I was driving to work, right? There was a couple of cars in front of me and somebody threw out of the window

because you know you can see it. Oh, litterbugs. I hate litterbugs, by the way. But as I carried on, And I saw it ding-a-ling-a-ling down the dual carriageway. And it was a can of G&T. You know, the great green and... Ashley was in the car in front, wasn't she?

I was in front of you. Pack it, G&T fag. Just for a split second, I thought, this is the two things here. number one you went on the sesh last night and you hung over

and you've seen it and it's knocked you sick and you're like nah gin in the morning or so I wondered was it that they drove

somewhere last night she's driving to work she's rough as fuck she's seen the G&T chucked it out the window or is she having a G&T on the way to work

downed it and chucked it out the window I'd say you've got to be a bit inebriated to throw something out of a window in general I hate littering

that really annoys me I don't like littering i don't like littering i don't like think and you know what i hate not that a lot of people do this spitting um yeah spitting it's actually illegal now i think so it should be it's dna it's it's when they go and then it's not it's uh i'm sorry i had an ex that did that once near me and i looked oh my god i've done that too and i've actually said that's disgusting because i'm sorry that's your bodily fluid it's like having a wank and spunking on the floor it's your bodily fluid i've been caught throwing a fag on the floor yeah i have i have have you lucas yeah

have you ever been caught we've all been caught where are these people protecting us the worst that's happened to me for littering so i went to birmingham i think i was working with you girls and um i had a meeting with my boss but i was meant to have a day off and i got to birmingham and i had to like go into a costa to just for 10 minutes to have wi-fi and i had like a can of gnt or something what you you're the gnt litter and i just put it outside costa because i can't take it on a ledge just on a ledge because i was gonna have it again and these two like but they were like wardens oh and they love it and it was gnt as well do you know what i did because i was having a really bad day i was about to have a day i bought a burst they were like

and Ashley will tell you at the time I had no money and I just burst into tears and it was yeah you do know you don't have to give them

I didn't know that sorry but that's a lot I know we shouldn't laugh because that it's like you know when you look back at your life how much did they charge you

150 quid and you paid it and when you cried you are such a pussy I know you know when you cried did they care no

aww and I was I just broke down but why was there two against one as well i don't know so when it happened to me i was with someone else so i just went like this i did a homer simpson into it was a man not that way it was a work thing and a homer simpson into the bush and let him deal with it um and they took i think they took i think they take do they have a little

camera or something but you don't have to give them your address do you well when it happened to me it was outside the studio yeah i remember and i was having a cigarette don't smoke guys disgusting disgusting disgusting disgusting um like lauren and christine across the road and then i shut my car door and as i shut my door there was this big tall man that's scary that's quite intimidating with one of those things and they are dressed like please anything with a bit of a reflective i panic have you ever seen people on the horses that just wear reflective me ass goes everywhere reflective oh like when you're listening to a song and you're like and you can hear it like a siren in the background on the police

the police scare me to death if i can see them in my mirror anywhere i'm sweating so anyway i was like oh fuck and it was so weird because i had been on tiktok like the night before and these old grannies teddy says that old granny that's what he does he's an old person and these two old grannies probably what people call us now um and we're having the little marlboro red fruit on the floor and they they came over to them and this man like ushered them away and was like ladies you don't need to give details oh helping them that's nice and he helped them away and then the man was like you don't need to give your details to these people all you need to do is pick it up off the floor and throw it in the bin they've not yes it's wrong right but so i just

watched that and this man he was so intimidating and i was like he was like i need your details now i am manchester and he made it sound like policing him i don't know it couldn't let's pick her anyway he started taking pictures of my car my car red and i just went i don't have time for this and got on a foreign driver that is such a you i don't have time for this but you had time to stand there having a bag but i don't have time for this and i rang lauren straight yeah you were really shook up about this incident oh you're a pussy then you called me she didn't cry no i didn't cry and also she didn't have to pay the fine yeah fair enough you cried and paid the fine littering's really bad including faggans it is disgusting like i'm not saying it's not so anyway if that

does happen to you you don't just say something though why when you are walking the streets especially around here do you always see a pair of knickers or a pair of boxes on the floor i've never seen it i see them i see boxes really on the floor we were in alchim the other day and i was like to add there's your kelvin's like they're on the floor everywhere so my assumption is someone i know i know it's the night before they've done a fart they've followed through only option is to take off the boxes you'd put them in a bin though or they were shagging down an alley the boxes came off it was dark just said boxes on oh yeah maybe not the shagging i think they've shit themselves did you check them for shit just get a little stick did you get a stick

and inspect it i think um random socks or a shoe a shoe i always wonder how someone's lost a shoe uh yeah like what what happened that you lost one trainer do you remember that time i lost one shoe oh my god yeah and the man held it hostage yeah right oh fuck's sake okay i think we've spoken right valentine's day now let's segue into valentine's day right okay so we're gonna have a little break i'm gonna talk to you about the time i got caught cheating on valentine's day and i am going to tell you the story about a find out if someone's cheating hack and a little story i got told over the weekend guys we're back so i'm not going to linger too long on this because it's naughty and you know i'm a really um well-rounded law-abiding citizen of humanity

that brands really want to work with yeah um anyway what did you do though okay it was valentine's day and i had two boyfriends right boyfriends or situationships does it matter one was ed who was the situation okay well own fault and then a proper boyfriend and then I was at my house and David Wayman flowers were my favourite flowers

like all my friends knew that I didn't know that they're like the best flowers in Manchester either Kelly Louise or David Wayman and he's a lovely guy

he's a lovely guy oh do you know him oh well he's one of us isn't he yeah is he yeah of course of course he is

and he does the best flowers so anyway I they fucked up for me here though they delivered three big bouquets right at the same time and my boyfriend was around and he was like oh i only ordered one and look at all these and i was like i thought as well like because i didn't

think that ed was no like gonna send to his pa probably massive bouquets of flowers and he really wanted to be number one yeah and he fucking caught me there when i rang him and told him he's laughing i bet he was so what did the boy say i was like oh and i opened the card and he was like stood over my shoulder i was like and he was like i knew it i knew and i was like no i don't know why he sent me them and one was for saskia and one was for me and then the other one was off the and i felt like such a bitch well i was a bitch that yeah and you got caught and that's yeah on you so you cheating whore right don't cheat anymore so um a girl i know sent me a voice note over the weekend about the time that she caught her boyfriend cheating on alexa and here's

a hack for you to check the alexa so i may get bits of it wrong for the alexa hack the alexa cheating hack so he lived in Birmingham and she lived in Manchester they shared the same they had a wi-fi no wait a minute an Alexa account yeah they had an Alexa account she was changing her wi-fi or something was going on she was moving house so she had to mess around with the Alexa when she was messing around with the Alexa which was connected to his house in Birmingham she'd just left his um the day before and he'd said i'm gonna get an early night tonight babe and then he texted her in the morning like i miss you had to drive home i missed you not being with me last night it was really lonely blah blah blah so this was going on she goes on alexa messing

around trying to sort a wi-fi and then in the alexa app there is a setting called alexa privacy within that setting tap review voice history or review activity history and then every time you say alexa it's filmed it's recorded so she went on it and funnily enough a woman's voice so first of all she was like why when he went to bed at nine was he playing slow jams at midnight why was because it shows alexa play slow jams she's thinking this is weird so then she finds the section that literally plays you back each alexa command no and heard the girl alexa play this alexa and then that morning alexa what time is it so she found out and what time did the girl leave like six six a.m he was having a full-on affair he went she went down and he tried to deny it

but she didn't tell him she did what is very clever and she kept the receipts keep your cool guys always keep your cool kept it cool so when he denied denied

denied I was on my own last night I was on my own last night Alexa play Alexa what time is it from the accent

she might Alexa Alexa Alexa please slow jumps what time what time is it

what time is it I can't do it anyway you're a farmer so girls that is your Alexa hack get on the Alexa and find out

you can listen to every voice and it records it for a couple of seconds either side she could hear the full slow jams though like at what point

did somebody like at what point during the kissing do you go Alexa play slow jams and like at that that's a vibe killer

yeah so there's the hack Alexa play Ibiza chill out classics well depends what kind of shag you're having it might be Alexa play Clubland

dancing in the dark at least whack on a bit is it Freak Me by Dane Bowers because tonight baby I wanna get freaky with you I think the music

determines the speed of the sex I don't like shagging to music that's weird and then all of a sudden it's like what do you do

like dancing in the dark do you know what I mean like what are you meant to do anyway so girls check your alexas and tell us what you find tell us you just hear me being pissed off because you

all you'd hear is the kids going alexa play sabrina carpenter and then me going alexa turn off that's all you'd hear all the time volume down alexa play apt right we have a dilemma right okay we've got a dilemma we mentioned we were going to do this and i am going to read it out now it's on a screen and my i've got it my phone so this is more of an update actually than a dilemma love so you guys might remember if you're a long-time listener long-term lurker what's that where was that was that on title that we saw someone's name was long-term lurker um anyway always sticks in my mind that fucking hell right so she's written into patreon she's a patreon girl but she actually sent a dilemma to us about two years ago maybe

no it's about a year ago hi girls i had taken some time off but recently i am back i used to put all my drama on patreon and i feel like i should now update everyone way back when i actually wrote into the pod about finding used condoms in my boyfriend's drawer so if anyone remembers that she found them and we were like fuck that he's cheating but can you guess what she did anyway fast forward a year and while we were back in dubai last september it came out on day four of the 10-day holiday that he'd actually been cheating on me for six months i found out we told you i found out on that are we dating the same guy page in the middle of saffron brunch so one of the mates must have sent it to imagine in the middle of a brunch in dubai you sat with

him fucking get that wow i'd be chucking my brunch on him anyway i spent the whole holiday thinking my life was over and i was so upset not knowing how my partner five years could do that to me i've since found out there was another girl that he cheated with as well anyway five months on and oh my god it is the best thing that's ever happened to me i see a lot of girls commenting here about how to get over a breakup and how it affects them but i want to give you some positivity that it is always all right and here is my advice what a lovely girl she's given us her advice are you ready keep busy depression can't hit a moving target love that i fucking love that we're getting t-shirts with that on i think that's that's can we like patent

that quick invest in yourself you are the prize have fun don't take yourself too seriously never and i mean this wholeheartedly settle for a guy the first sniff of a red flag and they should be gone allow yourself to feel how you feel i always say that don't anger sadness feel it all don't suppress your feelings but then move on don't let yourself be available for a man i was guilty of not making plans in case my ex wanted to see me so yeah things off in case he happened to show up and i realized i had no life of my own talk it over and over again until you have locked the box and thrown away the key but that does take time i actually agree with that um sometimes if i'm told something or something happens i need to go over it again and again and again and again i might

need to talk about again again again until i've got nothing to say some people do that a little bit too much though everyone has their own time scale love i won't say your name but she's one of our like hardcore patreon girls and i just wanted to share that for two reasons number one the advices are absolutely fucking amazing and number two if anyone out there now has just split up just found out someone's cheating she is your inspo because i remember her writing in and she was in the fucking trenches and look at her now best thing that ever happened to her oh bless thanks i can't i want to say her name but i can't we love it when you guys give us updates on things like if if you're not part of the patreon crew like you you know you hear snippets but there's

some stuff on patreon that we're all so invested in and we love getting updates not just from patreon but from you guys when you do send us in a story or a dilemma keep us up yeah tell us what happened after tell us what you did with our advice probably ignored it i would um and like what happened after because i love to know that we told you he was cheating though mate we knew and you chose to get back with him so he's not having posh wanks is he no i was thinking that at the start that's literally the first thing i think when we gave the advice one of us did say could he be having a posh wank and then not at our age i think posh wanks are for when you're like 30 hiding it and living at home well no like when they're like oh condoms what does this feel like

maybe it was during covid and that was ppe ppe maybe so we've now got to round off this episode a bit of a a bit of a difficult dilemma it's not great i'll be honest oh no i'm i am sad i'm gonna keep it obviously a non it's in patreon but it's a non hi girls advice please i've opened a diary in my drawers at home because i'm home alone and as my fella is always out i thought i'd love to journal anyway i've opened it and my partner has been writing about his ex in it so she's gone she's thought oh i'd like to journal opened it she's already started reading it he said in it he knows he loves me but he feels that there is a soul tie between him and his ex this man's not straight and he prays to god that he can break it he then also goes on to say he's already missed

out on a marriage they were engaged ladies please help what shall i do i know it's a complete invasion of privacy that i even read it but i also didn't know what was going to be in the diary when i opened it i'm just a bit lost for words for context we have lived together for two years how do i go about this or am i overthinking what he's written so i replied within patreon straight away and loads of the other girls did my advice was this you can't sit on this you're gonna have to tell him she's gonna have to she hasn't gone looking for this diary and i'm sorry but no even jesus christ on the bloody cross god spirit wouldn't open something i don't know where i was going with that wouldn't open what the hell what the hell what i'm trying to say is even a saint

wouldn't open something realize that he journaled you'd catch a couple of words you couldn't then put that back you couldn't you would have to read it and as soon as you realize the content of this you would read it because you would pull all of the pages out individually ram them up his ass and stick them you might like it oh yeah it sounds like you'd like it and stick them all over the walls for when he got home and then i'd move all my shit out and i'd ghost him right i feel like you've been a bit harsh because let's remember this right one second let's just just for him men have feelings men have feelings too men have vaginas too no so let's just remember this he has written this journaled privately he didn't want her to see it it's an issue in your head you

fucking weirdo listen it's an issue he's dealing with he hasn't gone out there to hurt her it doesn't sound like he's cheated on her so i don't think she should be coming at him in a place of anger because he's privately done this he's got these feelings he says that he loves her he doesn't know what to do about his ex people think these things he's written it down i don't feel like he's done anything malicious or nasty so i think putting all the bloody pictures for him to read is not right but i do think there has to be a conversation and i think the conversation needs to be listen i didn't mean to find it so don't start with that you've invaded my privacy because i didn't mean to oh of course she'll get all of that yeah but she didn't mean to i have read it

what the fuck happens now though in my opinion it's dead it's done it's done imagine you'll never be able to drink white wine around that man again because you will attack him because yeah like you'll be bring it up yeah like this is over it's over and we all just need to face the music now i agree don't let this drag on for six months to a year where you try and you try because this is not good for your mental health at all and his clearly isn't okay either not so much now but when i was younger this would have sent me into a spiral of self-deprecation and loathing and what i would have done is i would have become obsessed with this girl i would have thought well if he's still in love with her what has she got that i haven't what does she do and

then i would have it would have eaten me up and i would have morphed into her actually because that's what i used to do um but it's not good for you if you're not the only one it's not his fault listen if he's got feelings for somebody else then yeah what can you do but you the best thing you can do is set him free let him go and get her back maybe whatever but you need to be number one and you're not how is she sat on this like awful she must be sat there shaking awful awful awful there's nothing worse when you find something out and then self-destruct i think he's doing the same yeah well maybe you said that i did you said that gay man said it a gay man can make a game yeah oh my god oh my god it's something i've forgotten so ashley and i decided it was your idea wasn't it

that it'd be really cute to write each other a poem okay yeah the gay man said that by the way not us i love having a gay man on here because we're covered for so much shit we're like well lucas is gay i can say what i want he's gay okay so i've written it myself can i just make this clear i've written this with no assistance and i bet she's not writing it with no assistance accusations okay god and lozzy lou you go first roses are red violets are blue is there any part of your body that still belongs to you Ashley Stobart Lady of the lorries

Your skin is so perfect Your brows are too It's such a shame You look like Bonnie Blue Your hair is bouncy Like never seen before So it should be At £50 plus four

This is good yeah sometimes you are lovely sometimes you are rude it served you right when you uploaded that nude a podcast host and a business lady boss when ed says no you don't give a toss you spend most mondays lying in bed jerking when it and my wish for you is they give you that birkin this poem took me ages my love is the key but i bet you wrote yours on chat gp i sat in bed last night going like this did you honestly do that yourself may god be my witness honestly do that yourself may god the one thing very spiritual today the one thing i did do is ask chat gpt but it was down last

night what rhymes with lorries and there wasn't anything because it went down so i had to kind switch up right right brilliant well yeah mine is written with assistance i was gonna write you on lucas but i fell asleep the kind of gal i am listen for lauren lauren my love my chosen soul my best friend my chaos my comedy gold oh this is much nicer than mine married to james queen of the clan four kids deep and still cooler than most of us can she runs on black coffee lambert and butler air and a spoonful of domio carbonara like a gourmet millionaire what did you tell chachi bt monster munch dust on her fingertips still pickled onion breath honestly a thrill a piggy little nose that scrunches just right and a lisp that makes

punchlines land twice as tight tiktok confuses her she hasn't a clue but give her a mic and she'll outshine the view on nip tuck we laugh till our faces all ache surgery level honesty no edits no fake she's funny she's stunning effortlessly so kind of attractive that quietly glows at the sort of friend who just gets your soul who knows all your stories and still loves you whole so here's to lauren the realest i know oh i love that yours was much nicer than mine what did you put in she's really nice she has a piggy nose she likes all me oh it's somewhere we need to i think you need to tell us what you put in there because they made a good one write a poem for my best friend lauren she's married to james she has four kids she likes

monster muncher chris she has a piggy nose in the lisp she doesn't eat much just black coffee l and b sigs and domio carbonara packet sauce she doesn't know how to use tiktok we've got a podcast together called they did a fucking great job um right and on that note we should have both like do you know what i'm gonna do lucas i might write you a poem for next week just because i feel like you've been right well there it is you said it now seven and a half inches thick um we'll get to it no maybe not young i was gonna um before we end how did your date go well it's valentine's episode tell us so the date i was meant to have um he was on the train and it was about 30 minutes before we're meant to meet and he went um i've just had to get off the train i've got a call from my mum

um my dad's been rushed to hospital with you know potentially a heart attack so oh god obviously straight away i was like that's absolutely fine don't worry about it but i turned to my mate jack and he went but he is gay and you know what gays are like i told two other friends they all said the same just for the record we don't i still believe it okay because has he been texting you not had a word since okay um he got a better offer or his dad i want to i want to you know i want to be delicate about this because i don't i personally don't understand how anyone could make that up so i still that would be awful i'm i'm only being um uh bad on this because i've been listening to a podcast um guys you all love my recommendations of tv and podcasts so here you go the dating

detectives on apple and spotify and it's two um what are they called private investigators two women who are mainly employed by women who are being cheated on that sounds great and all of the stories are usually it begins with someone's been in an accident so my sorry the only thing i would say really really quickly before we end the only thing i would say on this now i am not asking you to take a picture in the hospital i'm not saying you should but if that was me lauren and no listen to a first date no listen and i was meeting somebody this is just me and i was on the train and that happened i honestly so that they didn't think i was taking the piss i'd take a quick picture train like just so you know i was on the train i'm so sorry i would evidence it in

some way and then i would follow up with i am so sorry that happened blah blah blah blah and if he hasn't let's see let us know guys we're back on friday on the bonus you need to watch us on youtube because you can see all of our reactions to everything and our glorious pajamas follow us and subscribe leave us a five star glowing review and don't forget the chat continues on patreon get in touch as well if you tap the link tree on our instagram all of the details of how to get in touch are there because we need you this podcast is made on your life fucking stories we love it we are here for it just like even if you you know oh it's only lucas that sees it we don't even know the names of people send it in you know lauren everyone deserves it um so yeah we love you all

guys. Thank you. Bye.