Nip Tuck - Do I laugh, do I cry, do I sh*t myself?

Episode Date: January 31, 2024

Ashley tells us about her luxurious weekend in London, Lauren chops her hair and are you arsed if your boyfriend watches porn?We also touch on Love Island, give you the ULTIMATE glow up advice and what did Lauren not want made into a social clip?BONUS EPISODEOur bonus episode has moved to Patreon because it's got that juicy. Click on the link to sign up...https://patreon.com/niptuckpodTo get involved with the show, you can send us a DM on Instagram and TikTok, find us @niptuckpod.Music courtesy of BMG production music Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Guys! Shut up! Christina's leggings just moved. It sounded like she farted and everyone just turned around. Off you go. Go on, girl. Hi, guys, and welcome to Nip, Took, Not Giving A... ...Podcast! This is the podcast where we celebrate being positive, aspirational women.

this is your wednesday reminder that you are so deeply loved i'm just reading it off my coffee tomorrow is always a new day but we've just been saying about that quote and actually we think it's quite negative it's almost passive aggressive yeah it's like it's okay today's shit yeah well today's good for me i don't want it to be tomorrow no anyway we're back my guys we are here it is wednesday we are your reminder that no matter what is going on in life are you joking christine she's farting she's dropping things anyway right let's go straight hard hitting okay i would like hard launch i would like to tell you the message i got off ashley on well not all of it on what morning was it sun saturday saturday morning so i was in the hairdressers and i get this message

like hi oh i thought oh she'd been out there for i'm gonna call you on the train i'm going under and i thought oh somebody's had a drink and the alcohol is hitting hard she was like calm down it's the alcohol but it's not that like base well it was definitely that it was that i'm just not used to drinking for hours i can't do it i can't do it anymore and the thing is i have such a fantastic time when i'm doing it at the time yeah and then the next day you're like and also i can't sleep in not my own bed i know you can't can you you really can't yeah yeah i can sleep anywhere i can't can i no you're really if we go somewhere again i'm not sharing a bed that's why like i don't really like going on holiday do you get it yeah well i think i've got some kind of

i can sleep anywhere i if i really wanted to i could get that cozy blanket now roll up on here and i would fall asleep never in front of everyone i've never slept on a plane really i i'm the one that you know before you've even set off i've got my mouth open and my head back not no i can't so it's always that person even if like it's a gorgeous hotel or one of my friend's houses i just can't so you're gonna put it down to that then i got on the train and on a saturday and sunday because of work going on at crew station thank you crew station it's all the trains back coma three hours long what the heck like i was like three hours but i made friends with the train lady you're good at stuff like that aren't you did she give you loads of drink um she gave

me a gin and tonic yeah and she wasn't meant to and that took the edge off tell us about the night where did you go so we went um shopping i got there went shopping only went into shops well you only needed to go into shops jesus do you want to discuss your purchase i got some boots got some lovely boots yeah that i've wanted for ages and then um we went to scott's for lunch which is my favorite we were gonna sit outside but we sat inside because it was absolutely freezing in london um and then we what did you eat in scott's caviar so nice it's not nice it's fish eggs so nice eggs from a fish yeah but you need to get it's like somebody cutting your ovary you need to get into it it's so nice so then we went there then we went

back to the hotel and had a chill where did you stay the mayfair uh no at a members club that lucy's a member of in berkeley square it was really nice then we went to the george i've never heard of the george members club again that will be why and that was really nice and we had dinner there and some drinks but it was a lot a bit too exclusive for us right okay so what kind of people were there tell us like there was some girls haven't been with a photographer following them around what and were they influencers was their job yeah with a full-on four really hot girls with a photographer and what do you think they were doing well like i stood at the bottom of the stairs to go back upstairs for our table for dinner and all of them walked down the stairs

passed me and not one made eye contact and said thank you oh that's really rude and the photographer was like thank you and i was like i feel sorry for you why do you think they had a photographer babe that's what people do do you know who does that listra that i've worked with on housewives has got a photographer that follows around and what's this and they've got like a big light and they take amazing pictures if you could afford it on a night out is it for the instagram content if that's your job i didn't ask them but i think so yeah okay all right fair enough yeah um well who else and then uh it was just like um just like older rich london people right so there wasn't any was there anyone like famous or was it too exclusive for that because sometimes you weren't

allowed your phone out and stuff right okay so then we went to this place which was so much fun it was called bardo right have you heard of it no so i feel like it's like bagatelle and stuff's a bit like i know what you're saying but i've been to bagatelle twice but this is such a good time such a good time obviously but so anyway girls if you want to go somewhere go to this place b-a-r-d-o well i would expect that's how it's spelled and um you went downstairs and there was like live music and stuff you can have dinner and drinks and then there's a little nightclub oh i like that so you can just go and stay and like you can dip in and out yeah okay so went there and how much did you dip in or out did you dip fully we went into the club but yeah dipped

in um and then i had that three-hour train home and kind of just say honestly we were going in somewhere and they were like right everyone id id because you know how strict london is with like you have to have your id um and lucy was like looking through a handbag and this man just tapped her on the shoulder and went just go through you're all right it's all right just that's when you know when they look at you and they go they ask everyone else for id all the other girls are like you're all right you're quite clearly um so then and i did something really embarrassing when i got off the train at wilmslow i was running out of the station and i my suitcase my handbag and my big shopping bag yeah and i fully fell over

with the designer handbag and this man was like are you okay oh my god were you like trying to get up like yeah with your bags um we were just saying how expensive stuff is i mean that was my choice i mean yeah if you're going to if you're going to eat a bucket of caviar then it's gonna cost i was just saying i spent about 200 pounds this weekend on the day on food yeah i know it life is expensive and james will have spent some so we decided to go for a bit of just public pub dinner on friday company house cooking saturday we went into manchester and we ended up parking near chinatown and i've actually don't think i've ever been in a proper chinese restaurant in chinatown where you go upstairs yeah the food is amazing so good um then there was that then we

went home did you not fancy the buffet i feel like you're a buffet gal funnily enough funnily enough when we were sat there i said i could really do an all in all in yeah chinese buffet 15 20 quid for all you i thought i could eat a lot now i could really just pick and pick and leave bits and so we paid for that then we went home which is disgusting actually you got a takeaway we got a mcdonald's takeaway the uber eats that evening it doesn't travel that it didn't travel well but we'd not have been to the shop and you weren't even hungover not at all no and then the next day i went out with my friends for lunch not expensive but it adds up and one of my friends fainted pregnant fainted yeah i had to pay for a fucking meal um it was actually wasn't

funny so she's a fainter anyway um and she's 26 weeks pregnant she was sat next to me we were in a booth it's not funny but a bit hard we just make everything funny because that's how we roll and we were in like a booth of four me and the girl and then opposite two of our friends we'd gone for our friend's birthday and she just would eat and she just went i don't feel very good i'm gonna go i'm gonna go you know when you know you're gonna faint and your mouth starts filling up and then your ears ring and she's like i'm gonna go so i was literally honestly nothing right i was like absolutely fine on here she just fainted onto me right just sat her back popped it out and then her eyes were rolling back and everything it was really scary i wasn't scared

but did she go to hospital no because i just think she was she's a fainter right so we just like wafted her and then she lay down then she got back up fainted again and anyway all of this i had to pay for the fucking dinner because when her husband came to get her i felt a bit mean saying could you you owe us 35 pounds anyway she was absolutely fine she actually weed herself which we found really funny afterwards yeah she found it funny as well it was fine um let me show you my wound i feel like we're not going to be going this is how bad i fell over oh my god you really fell on both legs i've cut my leg when did you last turn hon oh my god i know don't no look at my mind no it's not okay your neck and face look really bro yeah well um so yeah i had to pay for

that anyway we spent i spent about 200 pounds and my hair looks so nice oh my hair i've chopped my hair off yeah still not mine yeah so nice and we've got a patreon group chat so if you're if you're on if you're a patreon subscriber we found a function where you can actually have a group chat it was going off this it was going off so everyone that's on patreon as a subscriber can basically talk in this chat it's really good isn't it we can like so it's like girls shall i cut my hair and everyone was like no probably not it looks so nice but i just thought i need to improve the quality of this hair like i need your own hair my own so i've got extensions in because if i cut my hair without extensions i would literally look like i just got swimming and they're your old

extensions yeah just chop the end off just chop them literally she chopped so much off at first it looked like a lampshade and then she cut it in and it was all fine we were laughing she was like you look it was literally um yeah so i cut it off and what i'm gonna do is as my own house grows i'll just keep cutting it to get my own hair in a decent condition and then when i have when i get married it will be long i can't it's not it's funny i like it i think i might go short do you think i look older or younger or the same you can say same because i feel like more responsible oh really i feel like a five year old i feel like a large and in charge i've lost two pounds oh my god well done i have eaten fucking horrendously this weekend as all the girls on the patreon

although i had a curry had a domino yeah what did you order you ordered a what a curry but what did you call it because i didn't understand that i thought it was a particular takeaway that was called a cousin and everyone was like oh what cousin did you get and i was like what's cousin drank loads so now i've come in i've got a big cold sore i can't see it at all and one tiny spot on my chin well there you go so that serves me right but you know what i did notice though when we were out like when we were younger lauren so we were going out 10 years ago weren't we yeah 10 12 that was our like was it that was our prime time and christina you were the same as well now i don't know if it's after covid or i don't know if it's different generations because

probably everyone out was younger than me yeah um but i felt good the men no good no and i i feel like as well like men don't really go out anymore like they used to like do you know when we went out lads would go out in a group yes when we used to go out that's not cool yeah when we used to go out you would there'd be a table of lads yeah and a few of them would be good looking yeah you'd have a lap and there'd be another table of like it was 50 50 and you'd walk to the toilet and you'd do your toilet walk which would go which would be round do you want to go to the toilet and it wasn't going to toilet a lap it would be a lap you'd do a lap you'd go around you'd scope out it was literally a lot a lot you'd scope it out you'd go to the toilet do your makeup and come

back out again and i feel like yeah you would know where the tables of the men were which the fit ones were which the rich ones and like you knew where you were gonna then shimmy on over to and where your dancing was going to end up yeah yeah um i that's where i met dean gaffney for the first time it is it's panacea you know we may as well get him on i know no you just reminded me that is where i first met and you did your lap and the other place was when you were smoking a lot more smoking yes and i'm not well that's where i met ed and the smoking area a lot more people smoke then and you'd come outside and you would get one-to-one time yeah and you could be like just stood there stood there oh it's stinking um but yeah i feel like i don't go out now when i go

out i don't really look but no i do know what you mean you never paid for drinks no because you just went on someone's table yeah but maybe that's because we're older we don't get sent drinks yeah maybe that's what it is but yeah i do agree with you and i think if you're single now yeah it's hard it's much harder that's why i'm all for the apps they didn't have the apps back then did no but what my point was like and as well the type of guy that goes out now okay it at our age yeah what type of guy is he is the bottom of the barrel is the scrapings wearing alexander mcqueen trainers maybe oh that is a trend we well i had them yeah in black and white um i never had them and i just think it's do you know what it is

right and i can see it in my mind now it's the skinny jean tight to the ankle the ankle on show at the bottom where are your socks yeah yeah and i just look and think your feet must fucking stink yeah and then it's do they wear socks they do do you know what they wear they wear the ones that look like their mother's socks that pop socks that go around yeah they wear them yeah and i imagine the hairy little toes in them and then can you imagine them putting them on in the morning getting ready for the night out boom boom putting your socks on putting you just sliding your mcqueen's on and it's the fact that the platform short men short men wear them there's a pair of dior trainers i know the ones the chunky ones with the um bubble chunky um and and i had an

ex actually that wore them who was small yeah and they wear them with a skinny jean and it's like the leg goes like that and then this big dot of shoe maybe a knitted long sleeve polo top oh yeah with some chest yeah and i would say i mean i can't because of james but i would say tattoos as well yeah on the chest and maybe a nipple yeah what's your thoughts on a nipple piercing no absolutely not i agree disgusting i like them on a woman can you say that is that sexist i don't know i like them on a lady now if i had a little bar a lady lady no not for me okay but belly button piercings i had mine done i took it out i have considered putting a ring in mine to hide the skin you know the savvy skin i thought if i had a little ring there would it almost

are we bringing it back i might put a look i might get one of my ear ear ones and just pop it in and see how it looks have you had yours pierced before of course you have oh yeah of course i'm surprised i didn't have my eyebrow pierced honestly i'm that kind of person yeah i'm surprised i didn't have my eyebrow yeah my mum wouldn't have let me i don't think on my nose i'm surprised i've not had my nose pierced i had my nose pierced what yeah you had your nose pierced no you didn't i did what did bev say when you came over that she went fucking mental i had to take it out you had your nose pierced i had my nose pierced you are not a nose pierced girl yeah absolutely i was like um cool dude i'll i'll put some pictures on the patreon

well yeah please that's fine what are your views on clitoral piercings i've never seen one in action of you i just wonder has anyone got your ex have his dick pierced yeah but where abouts this gets out really naive whereabouts is it actually oh god now you i'm getting peter i don't really want to think about it um not when i was with him but don't make this into a fucking social yes he had a he had a hole in his full in the bell end where it would and it's called uh something like a prince andrew it's not called that that's something very different steve's left the room one of our other pictures left the room um prince albert it's a prince albert um not prince andrew so yeah he did there was a hole there was there was an old hole i don't

don't make sense of social clip there was an old hole yeah there was an old hole i do think we are being a bit mean with the alexander mcqueens to be fair because you can't like what can you do as a short man to improve yourself do you know what it's such and i obviously we're honest on here but actually it is unfair because if you are a woman you can wear heels if you want to be tall like what is a man meant to do if you are small you are small and probably from like right down from being young they have been like bullied for that yeah but what do you do like is it really a big deal well they can have surgery i was reading um a daily mail article the other day and oh i think what is it christina they can make them longer by like four and a half five inches was it

he like had his legs legs extended it's quite a common thing like nobody should feel like they need to to do that but i do you know what i have been out with like seriously two small men how small are we talking taller than me but if i've got heels on maybe the same and i've also been out with two six foot men and i must say the cuddle felt feels much better when you're lifting your arms up not down um it didn't stop me wanting to be with someone because they were small but i guess it's just your type i like like quite tall slim lean like long and slim is my type um small and stocky is not my type the ones that take steroids i've been out with two people that took steroids were they men so let me tell you something i have noticed about not you know not

to generalize but what i have come across men that are small because of society how they've treated them and whatever feel that they need to be big in other ways so they're angry and they take steroids because okay i can't make myself taller but i can make yourself wider i can make have wider and muscly and i can have like i can be ripped as fuck because i can't make myself quotation marks manly in any other way and and the both the people out now they're a bit smaller one of them was on steroids and was very muscly and i think it's a lot of it is a confidence thing do they take steroids forever i don't think you can take steroids what do you do like they can cause real big problems we've spoken about on the pod before haven't we about that woman remember

when she messaged in and said her partner was horrible well it's number one it's psychological number two like what the fuck are you putting in your body i know we do botox and filler and all that whatever but it's so unregulated like where do they where do they get them from yeah i don't know i don't know but i do think i do think there's a correlation between a small man and a muscly man yeah i really really do and you know what i don't really don't like muscly legs big chunky legs i'm not a chunky leg woman i like a tall slim nice back kind of a look very underrated never looked at her back yeah has ed got hairs on his back no no james hasn't got any has ed got hairs on his chest yeah a lot yeah james hasn't really got much what was it you said about someone

daddy's chest wankers wankers tash and ed was was it ed that was like so when we went for lunch i said something about a wankers tash and he was like looked at ashley he's like what's that doll what's a wankers tash and a wankers tash if you don't know i don't know why it's called that is that line of hair from the belly button down i don't know what trail snail trail yes that's what i would call that something very different if you like remember back in the day like when guys used to wear those like g-star no what not all they all say it's where they really rosary rosary rosary beads and then i went out with a guy and he used to wax his chest whereas was like no no no it's not for me but they're in the masculine era aren't they men are meant to be

like more masculine i saw a tiktok the other day and it was about this well it was very controversial it's this girl she was like when i see a man acting like a man and she's like and then loads of people are commenting in it like you can't see yeah yeah yeah and i get it like do you think it's just how we're wired though like i'm the same i'm wired and maybe it's because i've got daddy issues um to want a protector and i don't know what i'm not saying it's right wrong gendered roles whatever me you know myself yeah me myself personally i like a man to be again quotation manly look after me protect me yeah hunter gather yeah i like that and i want to be the girly whirly yeah and if not everyone wants to do that and that's fine do whatever you want i'm not bothered

but me yeah that's how i i want to be the small girly world like when i'm watching love island there's the guys on oh my god with the wax chest with the tattoos wearing the alexander mcqueen trainers um and again i'm generalizing a lot of them are more like they're in the same industry as us kind of thing so they're a lot more feminine yeah feminine energy yeah and i'm like no not for you not for me do you know what i think everyone's different but do you know what's really interesting love island at the minute yeah a few little things i want to talk about i love that hannah girl on it i haven't watched it yeah um i would like to though because i actually think i actually think this is a good one it's the all-stars i'm interested in that more than just the new people

the fact that they have let like hannah on it and she's got a baby she's a single mom how long is she on it for oh my i just got stuck yeah well she can be on it till the end how long is it is it about it's not it's about six weeks is it as long as the i think the shorter the winter ones are shorter aren't they i don't know it's a long time to leave your baby isn't it i'm not saying like on it but i just i think it's a long time it's a long time isn't it a lot of people on big brother have got kids but on love island when she went in i thought oh my gosh it's nice like but then also there's the controversy around louis or louis right um his two ex-girlfriends are stunning stunning stunning one's called callie and one's called

chloe now callie is lovely i don't know chloe but it's all over tiktok and basically it's about like gender roles and how you know like you said oh that's a long time for hannah to leave a baby yeah right let's stop doing that lauren oh you shouldn't do that no but it just it is no i know but this is what i wouldn't if it was a man i probably wouldn't say it's a long time to leave you but i'm not a man so i can only think of it from my point of view as a mom right so this louis has got two kids okay now i don't know the ins and the outs but on tiktok it was basically saying he's got two kids that he doesn't have much to do with yes we don't know if that's true or not because there's some kind of financial implication i don't know maybe that's why he's going on the

show to provide back who knows who knows anyway so he's gone on it and it's just funny like the different roles right away yeah and i think it's just because i do have a child and that is if someone said you want to go on that that would be a thought of mine i'd be like i don't want to leave my baby not saying she should shouldn't but personally it's money yeah yeah and i get it but it would be something that i would think about whereas if it was a man oh he's probably not even had to think about well i guess the other girls are looking there probably are men in there with kids but i wouldn't think it's a long time to leave his child it's not do you know what i mean no it isn't fair it isn't fair at all there's a lot about him i'll tell you what else i don't

think is very fair about him i mean it's quite it's true but his gums they're all over tiktok all over tiktok and actually again gender roles if it was a woman i think there would be we wouldn't be allowed to do it quite as much yeah no you're basically what everyone's saying if it was like a woman's boob job gone wrong i don't think we'd be allowed yeah yeah so basically his gums i mean they look painful um they do they're kind of like oh i don't know what's going on a lot of people are saying he's got gum disease from bad um veneers but there are dentists green screening him and basically been like this is what um you see that this is gum disease this is because and they're using his teeth to sell their own shit now if that was a woman and we had a boobs and someone

was going these are saggy boobs because they've been done wrong yeah yeah yeah i don't think anyone would be accepting of it yeah because it's a man we're all laughing along yeah and if it was a woman with a saggy belly after having a kid and had a bad tummy tuck would we be screenshotting it putting it on and be like oh look at her stomach tiktok's a wild place sorry i just think i just think we go in on him more because he's a man and if it was a woman there'd be a bit more regulation against it and we'd be stopping it i mean at least it's taking away from the fact he's left his kids without acknowledging them allegedly allegedly allegedly allegedly allegedly so i want to say god bless his teeth and his children and i hope everything gets sorted out um another thing that

is massively in the press and i did a q a and i got loads of messages oh really about my opinion on it as well i don't know why um because again we we talked we talked about this but we didn't really think it was appropriate to go in and dissect and talk about it because there's a pregnant lady i don't know what you're talking oh yeah that yeah do we say so there's a scandal yeah i think we can say about kyle walker there's a scandal at the moment um it's been in all the papers and and i don't follow like celebrity stuff really because i don't really care but this one has actually had me yeah interested because it is so the stuff that's coming out every day to me yeah i like i can't understand how that has happened how stupid i just can't

yeah i know and i have got a lot to say about this and a lot of opinion however there is a woman involved that is heavily pregnant not fair to talk about it not fair however she publicly made a statement didn't she on her instagram yeah but leave me alone was the statement basically which i and i understand why she's done that but she the problem is with this industry now if you throw it out there in any way shape or form people jump on you then because they're like she said this she said i think legally she probably did have to right okay out like and i guess if other people were putting things out maybe you have to kind of but yeah there's a pregnant woman say your bit wouldn't you oh my god i bet she absolutely she's probably waiting for the right

time i hope yeah i would love to speak to her i would love to get her but she's pregnant yeah it's not i think let her have the baby let everything calm down but wow disgusting and then again like what we were saying before about like misogyny in the press and stuff the way that it's being covered is very very interesting and i've got a lot to say on that but i'm not gonna touch it at the minute yeah let's let her have a baby because we spoke about on the bonus what happened to you yeah i mean i think when i think one thing i think it's really unfair is when you are with a footballer yeah which we spoke about when you were with a footballer we spoke about the bonus you almost it's like the press think you've signed something to say your

fair game to them yeah and you shouldn't be with a footballer then you should have known like the way they are with colleen rooney's fucking disgusting yeah it's that kind of thing and also it happens to fucking sue down the road still yeah and it's like they want to tear you down when it happens yeah and like well you enjoyed the money when you were with the football it's interesting and i think let's let it pan out let's let her have the baby if she wants to come on yeah we would love to i just yeah i don't think it's fair what the press are doing at the minute while she's pregnant no and i don't think it's fair for us to fully go in while she's pregnant a great but i think we should discuss at a later date definitely i've got a lot to say about that

so as lauren mentioned before there is a lot going on on patreon we've got our little group chat on there we have got an extra episode once a week on there that is a lot more detailed yeah we were a bit more open it's looser it's x-rated lips sink ships if you want to sign up if you go on to our instagram and tap the link in our bio all the details are on there but don't worry we have got you every single wednesday there is always a full episode we're still here for you guys so we're gonna have a little break now i'm cold i've gone really cold so i'm gonna put my jacket on um and then we're gonna be back with a few questions from you lovely bunch hello i'm elizabeth day the creator and host of how to fail it's the podcast that celebrates the

things in life that haven't gone right and what if anything we've learned from those mistakes to help us succeed better each week my guests share three failures sparking intimate thought-provoking and funny conversations you'll hear from a diverse range of voices sharing what they've learned through their failures join me wednesdays for a new episode each week this is an elizabeth day and sony music entertainment original podcast listen now wherever you get your podcasts okay guys so this week over on our patreon we are answering your most wanted to ask questions there is no hold barred we have asked christina to get the questions in they're all anonymous and yeah there's nothing we're not going to answer lauren jesus so here is what you can expect to

hear over on patreon can you forgive a partner for cheating how many times a month is it acceptable to have sex with your husband no i don't want something shoving up my ass unless unless i'm getting something out of it next one have you ever got into a fight we actually had a fight with each other um we will tell should we tell the story okay we'll give you vague bits right i don't get on with someone in particular yeah hi guys and welcome back okay so this bit here is a mixture of things it's bargain bucket it's hacks tips tricks dupes bargains all the good stuff have you tried anything recently that you've been like oh my god what a bargain life-changing or done something like big hack yeah share with us the girls need to hear this get in touch we have

got some questions as well feel free to ask us questions on our instagram or email and send us in your dilemmas yes we like them if you've got yourself in a right bloody tears and don't worry it's all and on always and on okay right we've got a glow up question i love a glow up my favorite part about being dumped is the glow up whose glow up do you think is the best like celeb wise i don't watch people um when you ask me about celebrities i never Kylie Jenner that's a whole other person Caitlyn Jenner oh yeah that was a good that was a glow up um I love a glow up and actually I forgot to say to you before when I last cut my hair short I got cheated on so stop so I feel like this is like the test right but the reason I say that is

because it just reminded me that whenever I've had shit I've been cheated on or whatever I've enjoyed the glow up so much so I think if you're in your glow up here just take and I love it wallow in the pity wallow in the pity and then glow up i love it right okay glow up question hi girls love your podcast so i have a dilemma i've been talking to a boy on instagram he's a mutual friend but we've never met he's currently working in australia and i'm going out to travel with him in march this sounds very like the thailand thing that i did guys um and i'm going out to travel with him in march yolo how can i glow up before i go and how can i look good when i land after flying for 25 hours he's picking me up from the airport and i fear i will look near

death this will be the first time meeting remember so i have to look good help keep me anonymous please and thank you in advance right first things first i hope he's paying for your airline he won't be actually that's not realistic yeah but like she's not christina is this realistic no i've never had a guy pay for stuff like that if you're traveling your little fanny over there i'm not sitting on the seat unless you paid for the ticket he's traveling he's got no money he's traveling himself he's not paying for her flight you are not in the real world she's having to pay for her nails she's asking us what to do she's just asking if she should this is the kind of thing i probably would have done i would never have done this is something i absolutely would

have done said the girl that remortgaged absolutely something that i would have done um said the girl who invited someone over from thailand after a three-month phone relationship in covid uh that went well for me i hope it goes better than that so first of all you're in australia you're going to be traveling you potentially may not have access to all your all your bits and bobs i've heard that australia is really fucking expensive for beauty and if you're traveling around i don't know how traveler you are if it's a backpack kind of shit so i would be doing everything that you can to look good without anything on it's called low high maintenance treatments to be a low maintenance girly exactly that yeah so eyebrow tattooing lip blush i do lip

blush um but even if i didn't one of the best things i have had done if you have see-through lips if you have light lips purpley lips honestly one of the best things i've had done it looks like you have got a lovely shaped lip all the time nice bit of color brow tattooing if the sparse get them tattooed get them done properly and well because an lvl mistakes an lvl skin start getting your skin in as best condition as you possibly can all the things a soft balayage on the hair so we're not having to rush to the hairdresser every six weeks now i'm going to throw something really unusual out there if you haven't got your ears pierced and listen don't just just stick with this get your ears pierced or get them done a couple of times well fine let me tell you why

i don't know what it is but something about earrings detroit makes you look more done than you are it does like mine are away at the minute a couple of gold hoops getting them out or a couple of diamonds actually when your hair's up in a pony scruffy ponytail you just look a little bit more quick honestly trust me i look nicer with earrings in than without so if you haven't got a couple of studs it's quite cute bit random but i actually think that will make a difference um skim get your skin into the best right on the flight i would 100 travel with no no no makeup on so do your tan if you're doing tan the night before wash it all off tie your hair back in literally like a slick bun or a loose if you want to arrive with it nice oh yeah those heatless

curlers i mean i'm not getting around like that in public but no the one that i've got you put in a bun yeah so something like that or even twisting whatever you need so that when you pull it out you've just got a loose wave so i'd take a mini dry shampoo yeah a um couple of sheet masks and a gua sha and an oil for on the plane yeah lots of water lots of water um eye mask eye mask silk eye mask silk pillowcase a little tiny blankie you can get one from primark for like fiver that you can leave on the plane if you want to um a pair of slippers because fuck getting about the plane with bare feet on when i see people doing that i think oh i absolutely do that people piss on the plane i don't lick my feet right well anyway a pair of

like fluffy socks i'm fine um and then take like a good audio book um some eye drops as well a toothbrush yeah um all that jazz so i would get on the flight maybe a tinted get on the flight with no makeup absolutely no makeup on um do your sheet mask do your skincare moisture moisture moisture all the way through the flight make sure you are really well hydrated loads of water keep moisturizing the sprays are good the sprays and then just before you land i would cotton pad with a rose water just to get rid of any serum that you've got on before you then put a little bit of makeup on yeah you don't want to come off the plane shampoo dry shampoo you don't come off the plane with a full face off because i feel like you look to try hard you want the freshest makeup

possible even if it means getting off the plane and in the bathroom in the airport you put your makeup on yeah put it on last minute the last thing the last second bag yeah last minute but don't have makeup on on that flight yeah get rose water take off any excess that you've been putting on throughout the flight to keep you hydrated wipe your pits wipe your pits so something femme fresh something for the vagina wipe off that vagina i heard from a gynecologist that femme fresh is really i'm sure on this one occasion so that we don't baby white yeah baby white we don't want plain minge so what i would honestly do if you want to know what i do and i'm disgusting and this is why you should not wear this is why you shouldn't have a new pair of knickers as well i

would hover over the sink and i would wash my vagina with some soap and that's why my vagina juice goes on the floor and that is why you should not go around with that can i just say something though though surely this guy i mean yeah fair enough she might shag him as soon as she sees him but surely he would grant her a shower when he might try and finger her in the car also she's gonna be jet lagged as it might get steamy the second he picks her up it gets wrong she pops his hand down a pants well nobody then wants like that could ruin everything so yeah i think we've definitely a new pair of leggings shave in the morning shade shit no i would put my razor in when i got there no because what if he tries to finger in the car i'd say like i need to get to

know you first let's slow this down i'm just saying be prepared do everything last minute what else is there anything else you can think of my thing is like i used to always like to smell nice but not too much of perfume so you used to get a nice like body lotion yeah okay um what's that one that after sun one with the coconut is it the tropic what's it called yes i know hawaiian tropic hawaiian tropic so that you've got that kind of holiday smell just something like yeah moisturize it on your on your arms and just on your neck and stuff when he leans in and you just feel really clean rather than like loads of perfume the batiste hair dry shampoo that has a little tiny little bit of smell in it because you don't you don't realize that when you've curled your

hair it can smell really stinky and burn burn so i feel like that would help as well um i was gonna say yeah don't eat too much bread no bread i mean like plain food is disgusting so pack something snacks because like that bread blow and i think the idea of you with the jade roller and stuff yeah really good idea de-puff your face yeah yeah so i think we've helped that oh my god yeah i think we're gonna have do you want to read the next one okay hiya can use this stuff love the scousers hi can you please talk about what you think about oh all right girls come on christina lauren what do you think about your boyfriends watching porn okay i've been with him for 11 years this year and we have really good sex life but recently i went on his search bar and he saved

porn videos which really hurts my feelings and made me feel very insecure because i don't have big boobs and the girls in the videos have really big boobs and they're much prettier than me so i think there's two problems here yeah number one actually is our own insecurities which we all have fully get that um but look it's like us looking at a picture of a guy with a six pack it doesn't mean that that's what you're gonna get or that's what you want so weird that we got this question because i was talking to my i don't like six packs listen to this but if there was a picture of a topless guy i'd probably say to my mate cool but i don't want that no no so i was talking to seven times in one night oh this is her new name yeah and um she said it's so weird

listen to this porn that i am obsessed with watching she said because we were talking about how porn is really bad for your brain like it's come out that like porn has the same effect on your brain is cocaine or something like it okay rots your brain i don't fucking know anyway allegedly allegedly allegedly and she was saying that she like when you're watching porn you start off like amateur yeah yeah and then all of a sudden and then you go on to like something really higher really she was saying like now she goes straight to dp anal porg right are you ready for what pog is p do you know what no god p-a-w-g pog not dogs fat ass white fat ass white girls what as in p-h-a fat fat as in like a fat ass getting deep penetrated double penetrated i'm

not against the dp porn yeah and she said now she goes straight to it and that's all she can get off on and then she was like that's not as she said i've never even done anal before i don't even want it but that's what i have to watch now because it's so what i think you have to remember girls with the fat ass and porn is not always something that you genuinely want in person oh no it's almost um the reason you watch it is because it's shocking and it's something naughty not not what you used to not what you said that doesn't mean that he wants a girl with big fake tits it's just that's what he's ended up on and if you were to look at some of the things that i've ended up on uh i would be sectioned so i just feel like i think you're

probably looking into it too much and i think your own insecurity perhaps he's taking over a little bit here if you were watching porn he's probably watching it for one second one second yeah if you were watching porn right and the guy that was in it was a big muscly tan six pack with a massive massive big thick cock it's just what you're watching at the time i wouldn't want that no would your partner then look and be like baby lotion that's just what you're watching would your color yeah would your partner then look at that and be like i've not got a terracotta terracotta a six pack do you know what i mean you wouldn't i think just let it go babe he's watching a bit of porn you've got to take it with a pinch of salt i'm not a pork i'm not no you've just got

to take it and i'm actually dying to ring james but i'd be scared of his response as to whether he watches porn i don't think he does massively but every man watches porn lauren no i don't he shouldn't need to no christ still oh if he wants to get out of here having sex with your partner and having a quick a cheeky wank wank yeah

you need whatever's on there to quickly get you going yeah and then you don't and you don't think about it afterwards no no you throw your phone to the other end of the room and you think

I am a horrible horrible disgusting piece of shit and you think I need to do the Aldi shop now and then I go and then I go into Aldi

and I don't want to look anyone in the eye because of what you've just done no I agree I think you're overthinking it it's a bit of porn love are you bothered by boyfriends

no watching porn no I mean do you know what we say we're not bothered but you do think

do you remember when I caught my ex oh mid-nut you won't know this Christina so one of my oh

it's tight one of my boyfriends so I'm don't make this into a fucking social I'm going I'm doing loads of

tidying apologies if you've heard this one before but I'm doing loads of tidying up upstairs and my boyfriend's upstairs and he's not helping me

which pisses me off he's been gone for a shower what the fuck are you doing up there and I'm tidying up and I'm doing the dishes like that meme where the woman

is banging the dishes and doing everything at once so I went upstairs and I thought I'm going to find out what you're doing and I thought he'd be on his phone

like on Instagram so I'm creeping upstairs and I can hear so my like stares ends there you know like eye level because I've got like a mezzanine

normal so like my eyes go across the level and then i ran quickly at the top so he couldn't so i was like and i thought he's gone and then i went right and he jumps yeah swings his legs in the air and sits up cover it like this bent over so like his penis is in there and i was like and i still didn't know what he's doing i was like what are you doing he's like nothing it's some phone right wait wait wait wait wait wait wait for this yeah i went what's that the poor bastard he had just come as my footsteps it was too late i'd gone everywhere he's trying to hide it and i was like what's that and he was like what do you mean and i was like sit back sit back it was all on his chest

I was like you've been fucking wanking up here did you ask to see what he was looking at no but I went to I still feel guilty right now

I went absolutely too far with it I started crying what is it one of those situations like when you fall over in public

yeah I was embarrassed what do I do do I laugh do I cry do I shit myself what do I do so I just burst

into tears fuck it all three I burst into tears ran down the stairs you're disgusting and he was there covered in his own semen

like oh and actually it was really tight and i wouldn't speak to him all day and i kept crying whenever he mentioned it i don't i think you were embarrassed i was embarrassed he must have looked so vulnerable he did with his little and his penis obviously shriveled by this point and he's all small there's parts of me that love to catch them but then also wouldn't want to know i mean what are the chances that just as i quickly ran up those last few steps it was and he was trying to hide it was everywhere and anyway yeah so it's like that i digress i digress that tiktok of that man opening the curtains and waving his girlfriend and it's like now i can have a wank now i can have a wank yeah sometimes i think about a fag have a lovely day guys

and inside i'm thinking now i can have a cigarette in the garden um so yeah we're fine about that anyway that's our story about wanking or like when you've just started living with someone and you're like i need a shit yeah or fart yeah oh my god me and james were saying when we first started seeing each other literally would kiss at the door bye babe would both get in the car i'd check and then literally like and i would and he said that he used to shut the door and go bye darling and he'd shut the door and he would fart like mad as well because you've been holding it in for so long obviously right we've got a slutty susan oh slash fart story go on oh here we go not sure if this is

a slutty susan but the girls in the salon are working forced i love a salon vibe same so i went on my first family holiday with my boyfriend's family at his sister's villa we went out for food and drinks and we got absolutely steaming in front of them all then when we got home i started projectile vomiting in the broken toilet which they specifically said don't use don't use why is it always the way when you're pissed you have like a moment in there yeah then to make the situation even worse while i was being sick bear in mind i was butt naked at this point i actually did i accidentally did a little shit on the floor i was so drunk i had to scoop it up to clean it to this day my boyfriend does not know about this little shit and i can't tell him first family

holiday steaming naked being sick and shitting on the floor wow at least babe you covered it up yeah you hid it it's fine when when we went out to that tommy fury fight the next morning when james was being sick naked and he kept doing little trumps he's being sick naked i could see his balls always like have a weird shit themselves thing when yeah like all men have had like a one experience where they've literally like shit i think i'm the man's body must the bowels must be different because james he'll go i need to go now i don't do that and then he'll run up the stairs or like he'll say i'll say to him babe would you mind emptying the dishwasher and he'll go yeah i just need a shit first yeah i know hold it in why do you have to go right now as soon as

you're leaving the house 10 minutes and they have to go then they must have a different like body to us i don't know i don't poo i poo like when i'm ready yeah you know they're like literally run upstairs holding the bottom yeah yeah weird anyway thank you for that guys what are we doing we can end it now it's over now we're ending i've got myself really confused about it right guys thank you so much for listening don't forget we have got extra bits chats and episodes over on patreon if you want to know more then head to our instagram and all the details are in i've just had a look at some of the questions we've been sent for the next oh no i'm scared i'm scared anyway thank you for listening guys don't forget to leave us a review and share on socials where you are

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