Nip Tuck - Future Faking & First Aid

Episode Date: May 20, 2026

Ashley & Lauren chat the chaos and struggles of playing dollies with their kids, Ashley opens up about the importance of First Aid training and staying one step ahead of potential emergencies at home, before the girls dive into the topic of “Future Faking” and the red flags to watch out for. Plus, they wrap things up with their favourite finds in What We Bought This Week.Head over to our socials @niptuckpod and click the link in our bio to find our YouTube, where full video episodes will be released every Wednesday at 5pm. If you're a Patreon member, not only will you get the Wednesday main episode the day before at 5pm, you'll now be able to watch the Friday Bonus too!Get in touch with your questions, dilemmas and Slutty Susie's via our Whatsapp or email [e-mail]

Fucking 20 quid for a bottle of juice. Yeah. And you just have a shot of it. Oh, but he'll spend 40 on a bottle of vodka. Okay. I can't argue that. I can't argue that. That was a great response, Ashley.

Well done. Get in your cage. You need to explain to... The whale has fallen. The mammoth. The hairy mammoth. I honestly, guys... I remember it, the back pain.

The way the hairy mammoth has slumped. She's struggling with her back. Can you pull it to you? Yeah, right. Ashley, tell us, because I don't know what this is. What is future faking? Okay, so... She's trying to drag her big fat self up.

I'm not a play mum. No. I'm just not very good at it. I think it's because I'm very pregnant at the minute as well. I just don't understand. I can't even bend down to sit near them. I'm just not good. The voice is the problem.

i'm not it's not me hello hello everyone and welcome to this week's nip tuck pod i'm your host ashley so bart and here's my co-host lauren the smaller front here's lauren i love that jacket where's that from is it cause yes i think i've looked at it okay so hi welcome okay right what is coming up this episode we're gonna do a little bit of a life update i have bitten the bullet honk honk um and i've got some child care help i have got a bit of reno chat not that much also lucas you're spelling of reno he's spelled reno he's spelled reno like the car like the car wow that's really embarrassing and then we're going to talk about something that i didn't know about to last she told me something that men do called future faking and ed has done this in the

past so we're gonna blow him up sorry for any victims um right okay so hi everyone i have some important life news i'm launching in south so we are doing a night with ashley stewart at southridge so if anyone wants to come i'll be sharing details of that if it's not already vignette i don't think it has i think you told me the date and there was something going on i am sure of it i'm away don't worry you don't just know there's something constantly coming to my no no there's we haven't spoken about the bloody cc right okay go go carry on a bit of a life update cc under eyes sold out all gone really all gone people begging all gone do you know what i did something that i think is really like noble so as i left yours which we'll talk about did you

give my good your goody bad to someone did i fuck um i'm not that nice i didn't even get one no and that's from a place of not from a place of i don't want you good about it was from a place of love and i thought do you know what i will go without and i love those eye patches i thought i will go without because i know they're expensive and i'm not going to take one i'm meant to buy no i didn't i thought i'm gonna let someone else get that or she might use it she might have to say i thought i i'm gonna be so selfless right now and not grab that bag and now i'm fuming because my eyes were really tired yesterday and i was like i should have took a fucking bag and then um i thought i need to order some because i'll get you some sense i'm a shit friend and i

thought normally i would go and order that morning wow was a lot going on i didn't order any so then i was like now i've got no eye patch and then i thought i'm never being nice again i'm just taking the fucking goodie bag next time yeah for sure let me get you some sun can we talk about the morning yeah it was so nice so nice steph our friend planned everything she's great steph let it go let it go events she's fabulous she's shit hot um the ice sculpture really funny so when we went to the paul nasif event yeah um lola and frankie were arguing about this ice sculpture um because Frankie was like I've sourced it and it was x amount and Lola was like well if it was x amount then it's going to be like this big and she was like no it's this big and they

were like bickering about this ice sculpture and Lola was like I have ordered ice sculptures before and for that cost you're not getting a big one she's like well I think it's going to be this big and they were bickering next to me so when I got there I was like I need to see it was Frankie he was right it was huge um so we had the ice culture had some food and drinks vitamin drips so there was vitamin drips um did you feel good after you drank rebecca slain skin i can't say that's her name rebecca slain skin my list will not allow she was lovely so we did the drip that is such a flex so if you ever did an event i know it's like extra bougie but it was so good because obviously they're expensive and also you sat there and it was like oh i'll have a drink did you feel

better after it yeah did you you had one i did well you drank copious amounts of alcohol lucas so yeah so i don't think i really did it in the right balance it out i can't have one because i'm pregnant i felt so guilty because i was like the first one to have it done and it took like 30 minutes and there were people waiting around i was like oh how long did yours take um ages because i kept running off and stuff and she kept saying can you just keep your arms still and i was like running around with the drip what else did we have so we had i tell you what those matches so it was really lovely do you know what i was feeling i'm feeling at the minute that i'm trying to get into more of my like looking after myself self-care era instead of putting myself at the

bottom of the pile and drinking black coffee i know we joke about it but it's not doing me very well so i was like i'm gonna start just like just a little bit more care and attention to my body and then got to ashley's there was a green juice normally i've been like nah just give me a black coffee i thought no give me the green juice then i had a drip then i had a music oh they were good it was like garden muesli yogurt pot um then there was a bit of champagne a little tiny bit of champagne but you could get um there was all sorts the matcha it was really really it was a really nice group of friends and family and because your home's so beautiful and it was all like beige and light it was very in keeping with the theme the garden it was really nice and it was a very nice

day actually i think it was like a heat wavy day wasn't it lucas i mean it was beautiful it was it was it was gorgeous i had to get off in a car with my wife tommy i had to get oh that old thing that old fucker so i was a bit pissed off really because i got there and like it was really nice to chat to people but you know when you're a bit on a bit overstimulated and a bit on edge because there's so many people and i knew i had to get back at a certain time so i was a bit like i like that and everyone else was really chilled and and then i left and everyone carried on having fun and that pissed me off um so salvages i think there's 50 tickets for this event that we're doing there right and it's like a live q a tell us for people that will be interested and don't know

how do you get how does that happen how does a person getting salvages what's the what's the so you contact the buying team yeah send them out some product then you have like interviews and stuff like that wow and you go from there because obviously salvages is prestigious prestige and they're not gonna they have i'm gonna shit myself okay sorry it's that ginger i'll continue while she's doing that can i can we just finish talking about the ice sculpture because you missed quite a big part of that oh my god what happened so it was on the bar counter yeah and like the sink in the bar wasn't plumbed in and it was obviously you know melting and there's a lot of water there so we're having to empty the buckets we're like right it's getting late we can't leave

it overnight we're gonna have to get rid of it it's very how do you get rid of an ice well so i went in and i had a few drinks but i'm quite good in these situations and i was like right it's very heavy it's very slippery so what we're gonna do we're gonna get two people to gently lower it down and then six of us with a massive white towel three on each side like a stretcher everyone pretty pissed yeah and i can't remember who it was and one of the uh ladies there went oh don't worry i can just grab it yanked it it fell down off the back of the bar there was ice like blocks of ice it was like the deck of the of the titanic i also saw i also saw it being used for something that it wasn't intended for well it is i saw i saw callum pouring tequila one end and lola

drinking tequila out of the other that's what it is for it had it was meant to be is it called alluge alluge um and you were getting teddy orange juice oh teddy really wanted to go so i was like all right i'll do it just for his little dream i would have been like shut up child go away i even i even put water down the tube first to make sure i was no he would have got like a mimosa and then we were all like lucas you're really good with kids he was like i'm godfather to like what is it four kids three and i've got two nephews i couldn't be arsed of that my owner hard enough i once got asked to be godparent i was like oh god no i remember that yeah she was pissed off and i get it i get now why because i had no kids at the time and she was like i think i'd like you

to be godparent and i was like oh fucking hell don't give me that job i'm terrible and i actually meant it godparents is a weird thing they don't even do anything mine do yours do saskia's amy took saskia out on their own i didn't mean that what i meant was um it's not like the old-fashioned thing where if you were to die they don't go to the god pose amy took saskia to trafford centre the other night oh yeah yeah i thought you meant um like they're meant to because it used to be that if you died you that's where your kids went but most of them do you just like forget their birthdays and shit but i'm not too arsed mine aren't christened me and saskia were having water fights in the garden yeah great fun oh great you're good kids entertainment i know what's

a book Lucas me Saskia and Teddy were playing we had a domino after the I have to say I would not be I wouldn't have

been doing that I love it because I don't get to do it very often she's like I love like I love it like being with

the kids because it's a novelty can I go to Traffordton to Tusker I was like yeah that's to me like that's what I do at

home all day I and this sounds horrible but I don't want to go somewhere and play with kids so to week i always says to me like mommy you never play with me and i was like what does that mean oh i hate playing and she's like you know you don't play and i'm like i can't sorry i think

you're either a player or you're not a player i'm not a play mom no i'm just not very good at it very pregnant i just don't understand down to like sit near them and i'm just not good i just Like, the voice is the funny. Yeah, I'm not. It's not me. Oh, hello, darling. Yeah, I can't do it. I have...

You're fucking not. Yeah, you're weirdo. It's not fucking real. There's several reasons. There's several reasons. Number one, I have got no imagination. I've never been good with imagination. Number two, I am overstimulated.

Sylvania families. I just don't get it. And then I don't know what to make them say to each other. so like Thea not anymore but she's like play with me so I'm like

okay I'll get the barbies and I'm like hello what are you doing and she just looks at me like where is my mum my mum's so good will play

and I'm not a player but James is and I play like games with them James is good at playing and he had Thea last night and he was spinning around on the floor by her tights

and she was spinning really fast I can take them somewhere and sit on my phone the whole time I'm absolutely fine absolutely fine I can order the clothes make sure they look

like, nice and clean, like, all good. Order the food shop, cook the teas. Keep them alive, actually. Yeah, good at routines. I'm great at routines. I'm great at cuddling. I'm great at, like... Doctors' appointments, dental appointments,

all of that. Yeah, yeah. I'm nurturing. I will cuddle you all night. I will be lovely to you. I like going out for the day with her. I will chat with you. Can I play with Barbies?

It's not real. It's not fucking real. It's not real. What's the point? And then I'm like, having said that, Did anybody see the tea party I had the other day for another bunny? Was that Snowy?

That was Tracy, that one. Ah, Tracy. So she has Tracy and Derek. They're the OGs. And then they've procreated and we've got Snowy is one of them. And we have all these bunnies and it was Tracy's birthday.

But it's really weird because Thea is really like pretty deadpan and she's pretty straight up. Like she's quite, not very babyish. But when it comes to these bunnies, she was like... Had she ever lost one? No, no, I can't go on.

She was going, Tracy can't believe it's her birthday today. So I say I can't play. i we had cake and candles for a fucking for a fucking bunny tracy derrick we've got tracy derrick florida snowy florida oh my god um and i don't know what the other one's called anyway right let's begin because i can't remember where we even bing bong boom selfridges so there's an event oh there's an event where we're launching and we're gonna have it's gonna be the first store to have eyes so they've got the eyes exclusive totally lost so i'm in london trafford

and manchester that is honestly so after i've had the baby i'll probably do an event in london if you want to come and we make a london trip out there's a few pods we need to do and i've been thinking you know you know you're going away for those days with ed and the kids i've got all the kids that weekend it's a no from me but i keep thinking should me and thea fuck off and join you and ed i think so but then i'm like i've got look but i the other day i was because ashley text me saying play with ashley text me saying she's going away for a few days to somewhere we really like somewhere we like and she was like do you want to come but we've got all the kids that weekend and i just haven't got the and i wouldn't put it on you because then you've

got r5 plus your it's no no no no it's too i would that place is the kid most kid friendly face and also the cost for all of us so then i started thinking and if me and thea could just come and join you for a few days that's a lovely you could really sunbathe then i know i'm gonna leave the little baby at home and when i've said that to a few people they've been like i did i listen not in a judgy way oh but guys i didn't give a fuck if any of you like absolutely this is what i love i could not i love it i love that people need to be more like the baby will literally be like really young still like but do you think you will be a bit like yeah i will but at the same time if i don't go on that holiday that's it then and you've got the

other three to go away now because i'm too fucking yeah i agree and after the hospital thing yeah i'm not doing that so it's either go and take the baby and then be looking after a tiny tiny baby you know we took teddy nope that's not his name that's yours we took tommy when he was eight weeks it's fucking good time to take him you know but the way i looked at it when you told me is this it's nice for the older kids to get you yeah because when you have a baby it's all about the baby for a while and yeah and it's hard that's why i'm taking there to paris i'm taking it because i know that the last year has been very much about tommy she'll go mom can i'm like one minute tommy needs this and also the baby like won't remember baby won't be hard for me

it won't be nice but the baby won't remember instinctively the baby is really safe oh yeah probably safer at home than with you yeah on holiday with you i'd say so um and also like i this pregnancy's been really hard towards the end like i've been in bed a lot and i feel really fucking guilty about it like especially now the weather's getting better that's when you start and i'm like the kids are in the park there's kids going to feel awful and they're like bye mummy and i'm just lying in bed i'm like yeah but there's nothing i can do yeah yeah i get you so you you've got to it's really hard when you have multiple children because the at one hand you want to make sure that everyone's gets what they need and then so then you might have to leave one out

of one thing or two out of one but then you give it then back in another way it's hard there's a Big head fuck, but I think it'd be good for you just to be mummy to them. What are you doing with your car, by the way? Have you seen that new Defender with all the seats in? No. Sophia Bailey was on the phone to me the other day. Yeah.

Her Herstory shoot, by the way, looked so... Phenomenal. I love her. So, what a girl. I love her. What a fucking girl. I've nothing bad to say about that woman. She's a lovely girl.

She is just sensational. Can't slag her off. Her baby's nearly two. How quick is that? pregnant when she came in yes she was was she was she no she just had it i was pregnant i can't remember the baby's nearly two wow because she was like saying like oh i want another one and then i was like what do you do with the car situation like i have all these questions and um she said she's got this seven seater defender and she loves it right let me look

into that mine's i'm gonna need to change mine in the summer mine i've just had to get two new tires it's costing me your car mine's a bottomless fucking pit of money and it was right where were we cosmetic consult launch all very well vodka lauren's got a nanny are we calling it that no we are not because i will stop right now if you do because it'll make me feel because i'm weird aren't i no i don't know i'm just funny did you see that thing that i sent you yes on bbc news i've got some right so first of all my niece is it's weird because she's a niece you'd think she'd be about 10 she's 33 or something like that because it's long sorry um long because my brother's really really old um so my niece really weirdly i was getting to a point as i've

told you all the past probably few months where i was literally what i would call burnout i was you could hear it in my voice last time when i recorded on my own i'd got to a point where i and i thought i can't do this anymore it's i'm not enjoying sorry guys i'm really not comfy get yourself comfy love it's been a long day i was like i'm not enjoying this whatever this is it's too much for me weirdly at the same time my niece texted me she's like lauren have you got any like nanny in or any like pa work i can help you with and i've been putting off um getting any form of help for several reasons you've done so well lauren i don't know i've done it number one i felt incredibly nearly one i felt so guilty i'm not saying i should i just do i don't know i just

i just felt like i should be with him all the time right it's a bit better now thank you darling and this isn't the right this isn't a message i'm sending out to people by the way because what i'm saying is wrong but this is was my head i was like i should be with him all the time i'm his mom if i'm not with him all the time then i'm not a good enough mom this is what was going on in my head so also nursery wasn't available there's loads of different reasons still not available um loads of different reasons the other reason was i was like what are they gonna do in my house i don't like strangers i don't like weirdos i don't trust anyone don't trust anyone with my kid loads of stuff then my niece texts me and i just thought at the perfect time she's my family she knows

tommy so this is what's happening a couple of days a week she comes to my house and i am still at home and she's there so if i need to do work for an hour do you know what he'll be okay if you leave i know but i haven't but she and she she's there so i can be like right i've got an hour's work to do but then if i start doing five minutes of it and i can hear him cry and if i want i can go down all right he doesn't really cry now but or i can help out slow transition yeah i can give him his lunch and then i can go right i'm gonna do a food chop jade can you watch him for half an hour while do that and i can't tell you can tell in me the lift because i can get shit done and i feel really really always delegate so and she's family so it's just like having my family at my house it's great

that led me on to this i nearly got a sleep trainer for tommy so i sent this to lauren last night i think it's either lucas can you have a little look for us so last night there was clips on instagram on bbc news search bbc sleep trainer bbc news sleep experts something yeah um and there's a lot that i could say on this lauren knows the background of some stuff um but i'm keeping this separate but basically anything like that i'm really into and i have with saskia actually yeah you did sleep trainer um was it a documentary or was it clips from the news it was from the news it was like a panorama style investigation type thing i think yeah well the article says that some self-described infant sleep experts are giving advice that could but

could put babies at risk don't say the name of the lady because i feel like we don't and they secretly filmed one of them advising our reporter to put a newborn to sleep on its front a practice proven to significantly increase the risk of sudden infant death syndrome but they were saying like anyway right we're gonna keep this because listen you do you but i just want to say some things if you are letting anyone in your house anyone whether it's family friends whoever okay i got and i'm gonna get again before this baby i've spoken about this on the podcast before a first aid expert to come and train every one of us in the house so me my mom my dad my nanny um francesca my sister ed um the godmother to the kids all of us sat in the living room and we did a

full first aid course bites burns poison like dishwasher tablet had that fucking incident recently all of that and then you choking is my fear choking she covered every like what certain things like listen to this one listen to this one you've got someone in your house you've just moved house or this is a new person in your house and something happens to you or one of the kids have your address written down near the phone so if they need to ring an ambulance that they've got your address like all these things i'd not even thought about no now i do have help and i've got um nannies and stuff like that and i always make sure they've got like dbs checks and so that's basically your criminal record but i will always say you have to have your up-to-date first aid

as well course as well and you can let me find the name of the lady but there's different ones but she couldn't come around to the house and do one-to-one lessons or you can drop in and i'm sorry a thousand percent worth it but back to this sleep expert stuff right so basically there's like online sleep experts the night nanny and sleep expert industry is is not regulated it's not which is so fucking scary because it's your child so with the with the sleep expert now there's loads of industries that aren't regulated actually absolutely there's like life coaching that's some of the biggest nutters i know are life coaches and i know they're nutters um so there are some amazing ones if you're listening you're a sleep

trainer we're not saying anything about sleep training we're saying it's just educating people that there are different that there are different ones and listen the mom is vulnerable the mom is vulnerable and exhausted you are literally like no no sleep is is the worst form of torture okay it's not only the no sleep it's the fucking hell i have a per a living thing that i have to account for now which you didn't have before boom one day is there and i'm knackered i'm knackered my hormones like you you if you see online emotional roller coaster you're going through And then someone says to you, I'm going to fix it for you. Or your friend says, why don't you use this person?

I use this person or whatever. So the first thing I did was I spoke to a really lovely lady and it was just like a bit of advice online and it actually really helped. It kind of taught me quite a lot about wake windows, routine, all that type of thing. And that was great. Then what I did look into one morning,

I thought I can't do this anymore. And it was at the same time I lost my fucking plot recently. I thought I can't do this anymore. I can't do this anymore. so about 4 a.m i'm googling people that will come to the house and help me sort out this sleeping because it was that bad and i thought i can't cope anymore um and i nearly got a lady to come to the house and sleep train or whatever now i've always been against it i've always been very much of the yeah and we talk about that openly the differences yeah i've always been very much of the thingy that

kids are like mammals and they're meant to be with the mum they're used to being with the mum that that's how it works i've always been like that not everyone agrees that doesn't work with for everyone fine not okay everyone doesn't work for me doesn't work for you fine do what the fuck you like but for me my gut is that the you know like when like those thoughts that you were saying before yeah and being open i've never had them yeah because some do some don't and my friends some of my friends and it's not you loads of my friends like shut the fuck up and get into nurture shut up and then some of them like no i get it you're everyone's feelings are valid and that's your own so i've always been of the kind of mindset that you know when like animals

are born they're meant to be with the mums that's how it's meant to be fine and do you know what it's cost me but then we shouldn't have to fucking go to work exactly no but you know what it's cost me this mental thing of mine of my baby must be near me my baby needs to be regulated by me do you know what it's cost me it's fucking cost me my sanity over the last year to be honest because i've been i've tortured myself with this mummy mummy and and it didn't do me very well let's to be honest, because I fucking lost my head the other week. Luckily, you've got a flexible job and you've got really good people around you.

Yeah, and this is the other thing. Imagine if you hadn't, Lauren, and you'd have to... Like, how old's Tommy now? Nine months? One. He's one next month. He's in three weeks. You'd be having to go full-time back to work. I know. You are not ready for that. No, no.

So it's not done me any favours. And a lot of ladies that listen aren't. It's not done me any favours. That is a horrible feeling. So I was going to do it, and I was even though it's against everything I've believed in

he's co-slept with me it's been a bit but I was desperate I spoke to Lainey she was absolutely lovely and she was a midwife she was a neonatal nurse so she was that

but something just something didn't sit right and I think she does some of the crying out thing I just did Catherine Ryan's been I don't know

Catherine Ryan's podcast is amazing I'll always promote the shit out of that podcast so good it's her one that she does all the time by the way

at home with katherine ryan's coming back on tv sick i love it oh my god she is really struggling with holland's sleep at the minute and holland is five months old and she said she's been looking for a sleep expert or a night person that can help and stuff like that and she said when she speaks to them she asks all these questions like you do and she says like right so what like is the situation because i don't agree with cry outs and they go like well we don't do all the crying and stuff and then she listens so much like well you do let them cry for a period and she's like i'm not again like i say you do you because some studies say that it's going to do them no harm whatsoever and they need to learn to self-settle and if you're not teaching them self-soothing if

you're not teaching them how to self-soothe then how are you gonna i had help i had help with snowy and teddy but i didn't have help with saskia yeah she had help at night with those two but not with saskia with saskia i got to the point where and i wasn't in a good place no mentally with saskia with a lot of different things and i went into like that psychosis of um like some i'm gonna tell you like sometimes if she woke up crying in the night i wanted to literally just walk out of the house you know what nobody admits this shit and i'm so glad you have and nobody admits this shit cry like she had clearly had reflux or something where she would be bright red and there would be little tears and you can't stop them and i'd be like what yeah like why are you

crying and i could have literally some nights have left her in bed yeah i'm gone and gone and and just driven into the no one admits this so i got help off a sleep consultant or sleep expert whatever it wasn't a night nanny it's like what you were gonna do yes they come around to the house and she came around in the day to like handhold me through teaching me what to do because you're like is this right is that right you need that you need someone to help yeah and i think sasuke was like i don't quote me on this but she's a few months old like six months old or something and i'd tried i'd bred the blissful baby expert bought all the fucking white noise machines yeah rockers yeah i'd done everything i'd switched the bill it's desperation by that

yeah and so this lady came around to help me and we did do cry outs yeah and a few of my friends i've told you this before it was like the most horrendous few days where i could have actually like it it nearly broke me it was the most extreme sport i've ever done in my life yeah like literally so what we do is i'd we'd literally while she was doing the crowd me and the lady would sit outside the bedroom with the um baby monitor it's awful i've tried it see she's okay well do you know what though worked after three days that child has slept through the night and what you have to remember is and that lady coached me her sleeping is good for her as well yeah so if she's waking up every hour and i remember i did an instagram post back then i was like i'm so proud

like i had my first full night and it's been a really tough few days your life and and someone put something like she's only this old she should be allowed to cry in her mother's arms or something like that and i was like oh my listen there's no conversation we've just had there is no right there is no wrong we don't know we're not experts no who the fuck is a fucking expert like is that we're talking about it we're not saying we've both got different views of it we've both gone back and forth it's nothing right wrong no one needs to be judged on it it's just the point that there should be this conversation because i'm fucking sick to death of people not being honest about those moments when you've got the baby and it's screaming and you're like i wish

i'd not done this i wish i hadn't done this because you're leaving the house for the very first time and you've got all your shit together everything's gone wrong and then you're just about to lift them into the car seat and they project themselves yeah and you just cry and you think i'm not going out again no and you feel so alone in that moment and you literally look at yourself you think is this and you're like is this life now yeah and it's so isolating that new mom feeling especially if it's the first time you're a new mom you feel so isolated and your partner's gone back off to work and then you know it might be like a warm sunny day and you can't leave the house you're stuck to nap time that happened with me in the summer like it was gorgeous outside and

i i was like i can't sometimes i did quite well but there's sometimes and we're quite like open about like talking about struggles and stuff so imagine not talking about it no so if we can get in on your anything from this it's be honest check it out how we ended up on a massive tangent but i do think i i'm so proud of you for saying like there were times when i was like oh i don't oh i definitely had some kind of and i think it's i think it's i think if more people spoke about it and was like i felt like that too it's okay you'd feel better that's why as well it's really important before you have a baby to and i'm lucky like me and ed have known each other for like nearly 15 years now and we had lots of different conversations how logistically it was gonna work

before we had the baby and i was just like listen i'm gonna be honest with you like i don't cope well like after i've had a baby i have to i have to have my own thing i have to work some people will say like we've just talked about i'll probably have two days off work off my phone when i have the baby and i might not want that i might change my mind everyone will be absolutely fine with that even if i said to you guys like i need a few more weeks off you won't give a fuck would you you do because he's like please don't um no but like you know i've off physical work i'll probably have a month off and that's it but that's where i i need normality you need to be okay to be the best mom that you possibly can be and everyone's version of that is different and

that's fine for you totally totally different yeah it's but what i will say don't try and be don't try and be the fucking martyr because i've tried that and it got you know what got me nowhere now anyway as always we will be releasing our main episode every wednesday tuesday if you're on patreon plus our exclusive bonus on a friday however you can watch full episodes watch with your eyes like as in on tv watch on youtube so much fun you need to do it so head over to youtube where you can subscribe and you can watch us you can see our wrinkles you can see my belly you can see lauren rolling her eyes at me sometimes snarling at you the odd cheeky puff fun and fame now and again anyway so sign up if you want to talk to us to this little old app

called patreon yeah i'm sorry i might be biased but it's unbelievable we're actually i'm proud very very very very we are doing some community stuff on there we had a lot going on over the past few days that we've had to deal with but um we are there was something that we had we were in talks about doing for ages pilates classes to start with to see how it goes yeah so one of our friends owns two pilates studios and i'm gonna pay for two classes gonna share a link on patreon and the girls can book on and they can just have a look and meet each other and see how it goes just nice isn't it people might not turn up don't know yeah we don't want to waste the time but people um put into us they send in the dilemmas they're part of the community so we've got to

We give back. Like we did with the sip and paint. We did it then. That was fun. Loved it. Right. We're going for a break now. We will be back very soon.

We are back. We are back. We are back. This is really difficult, double records. I'm all right, I think. Right. Oh, for you. Yeah, you're pregnant.

I forgot. Right. Renault Life. i've still not everyone keeps messaging me saying you're gonna stand up while you're saying are you gonna do a house tour i'm not going to do i'm not going to do a house tour as such um but what i am going to do when i've got a minute which might be later today i'm going to show you like certain rooms and what my ideas are to do with them because at the end of the day so i'll tell you why i was wouldn't do a house exact tour i feel like it's like saying to burglars this is one

entry point it's not this is the next entry point this is another entry point but it doesn't matter because the entire house is going to have a completely different configuration so not really for that i just haven't got time but i will document it there's just not much to document right now um but we're in the stages now where we're about to work out floor plans when can i come and see it whenever you want when when you next no yeah yeah i've got a bigger house now it's not as overwhelming right fine like before when people come around i'll be like there's too Can I tell you something that you guys aren't going to believe? Lauren never let me go round to her old house.

Did you never come along? No. No, it wasn't. No, I'm being serious. She wouldn't let me. Every time I would ask, there would be some excuse. No, no one ever came round to my old house. And that wasn't because I didn't like, like, nothing to do.

It was a lovely little house. She's such a weird person. I'm just really weird. And I just, like, and also, I just, I'm weird. You are weird. and it because it wasn't very big if the kids were there or there was more than a couple of people i get very overstimulated and it's all too much for me whereas now there's more space people can sit like i just feel much more calmer with the space i don't know what it is we were ready for that

we were ready so we're going to start knocking through walls and looking at configurations but what i wanted to tell you about actually and this isn't an ad or anything like that but i keep going on about this girl i think i'm obsessed with her do you remember the girl who made the nip tuck name i go on about her a lot don't i she her and her husband do like property development and that kind of thing she's got this new business and it's called bossy homes and what it is i mean i might say it wrong but i saw it the other day and i was like i need this basically if you're doing a renovation because i'm fucking shit i don't know where to begin like what do i put where i've got megan but she's not an interior designer so she doesn't do your cushions and your stuff like that

she does things like say your things that are going to stay there so like your kitchen your bathroom what she helps you with is if you give her an idea of your budget she'll say to you right in my experience because she's developed loads of properties she does it if you're like um you know if you're buying things and renovating them and then selling them on and she helps you with that and she'll say right show me a mood board right that kind of marble is 10 grand a slab don't waste your money get this one it's 500 quid but spend a little bit more money on that oh like dupe sourcing almost she's just fantastic everything and she'll say right i'd put it there I wouldn't put it there.

How do you even learn how to be good at something like that? No, because she's done it with her partner. Her and her partner have done it. So it's called Bossy Homes. Her interior is stunning. So I'm going to have a meeting with her because I don't know where to begin. I'm like, I know I want this, but how do I start?

Lauren, outsource. Well, that's going to, yeah. I'm like, I don't know where to start. So she's going to say to me, Lauren, don't waste your money on that. I hope you can pay for lunch on the work card for her because she invented the whole name. She did.

So yeah, have a look at that. Her interior is stunning. Take her for a carry-on. I'll let you know how I get on with it. But I just saw it and I thought, I don't need an interior designer yet. I'm nowhere near that. Bossy homes.

But I'm at the stage where I need someone to help me plan the reno. When do you think it'll be done by Christmas? No. We are changing every... So what we're doing, I'll tell you, we're extending,

knocking through all the back. Yeah, it's going to be a full, full reno. So I reckon a year. Ooh. Mmm. But we're doing it in... Ooh! But we're doing it in stages.

That's what I've done. like room by room yeah but this is like can i just say it's like walls coming off yeah my head's gonna fucking go like even that like disgusting my head's gonna and i don't like people being in the house how am i gonna cope with trades people in the house oh it's not it's not i just want to fart i want to like fart i want to just wander around with my tits out i want to like have a poo i don't i can't bear people in my home anyway right moving on from that you need to explained the whale has fallen the mammoth the hairy mammoth i honestly guys i remember it the back pain the way the hairy mammoth has slumped she's struggling with her back can you pull it

to you yeah right ashley tell us because i don't know what this is what is future faking okay so She's trying to drag her big fat self up What do you want? I wonder why her head doesn't want to be like me You've eaten You've had a drink No I know I've been sat down for too long You can't be stood up for too long

You can't be sat down The whole thing is so uncomfortable I'm so here for all of you We've still got seven weeks left of this We're going to be okay Do you want to swap seats? Could you recline on this? Let me try

right so listen maybe the baby's coming and that's what you know when animals go all weird oh and they start pacing do you know when people breathe cats

and the cat starts going and they go and they start pacing up and down please not on that furry throw and they start going like this as well

chasing the tail like oh my god she's and they go like this with their paws that's right kneading

you're kneading and you're like rubbing yourself on stuff for fuck's sake the cow's about to give birth we're about to pull a calf from it right so future faking yeah what is that i'm gonna educate all you girls so we've all been there like you're you you know on this whirlwind of um chatting over the phone to someone or you're on a first or second date and they're like

yeah it'd be really nice to spend summer in mykonos with you and you're like oh and you're like yeah like and you're texting your mates he wants to spend the summer in mykonos you'd suit those the boutons yeah her shoes are gorgeous you look great in them wonderful when's it your birthday yeah like that kind of shit right that's called future talk yeah yeah yeah and girls like future talk because most of us women we do want it we're looking to get a good man and settle down usually as well sometimes the narcissistic men can book a holiday with you to try and keep you for that long time because you you're like early on it's when you say to people i'm going to finish him but not till after the holiday i'm going to see how many of us have done that i'm going to

see how i feel about him after the holiday so there's this thing that people were talking about on tiktok called future faking and it's where girls were saying like he booked a trip and then like cancelled it after a few weeks of seeing me and stuff like that and i know because i was showing it to ed and he went oh yeah that's an old one you just book it on booking.com on free cancellation and then cancel it and i was like so they go to you that is that's lying he's lying because what this you're what as a woman what we're seeing there we're seeing commitment because what he must really like me because he's thinking about the future you're romanticizing it and you could even but he could even book like a five star five two grand a night hotel and you're like

so this is showing me of course number one that he's got money number two he sees a future with me number three this is what our life could be like because he clearly loves taking me on holidays it's so fucking true or when they say like what ring size are you it's so fucking true do you know me and lucas on our episode we're talking about falling when did you carly send yeah oh we i could sort you out with that and you oh don't you won't need to worry about yeah we were talking about falling not falling for potential falling for what is there and then but this is the way that they get you you think that your life is going to be these this that are and they could sit and go i've always wanted to do a safari if you i'd love to do as far as when my big deal

comes through across the line yeah let's sort that out we'll go on a safari and you're sat there bless your heart and you're thinking waiting for his big deal to come through yeah and you're thinking my life's made it's all lined up

we're gonna go on holiday finally lord the jackpot has come yeah the water has parted entering my soft girl era the sea has parted and he's promising you

he's gonna get me a car he hasn't said it but he's keen and you just think I've done it we're here oh hallelujah yeah

no no there's no commitment in words no I could say this to anyone it doesn't mean you're gonna do it you could book the holiday at the end of the day they just want to get in your knickers and also what i say and listen prove it we all want a fuck like

that's absolutely fine and if you want to go and like do that that's and you know what you're doing fucking yeah fine i think it's important but if you do see something in my experience and my advice would be hold out your vagina for as long as you can to see whether it is to see whether he actually is gonna some commitment over the line obviously don't feel like you have to do it just because they've done something but what i'm saying is don't drop your pants too early yeah i agree before they've shown any actual and it's not about she doesn't mean as in like bought you something or two what she means is followed up longevity and come through with a promise is what she means not wait till you've got the bag just in case anyone thinks that what she means is if

he's promised we're going to go there for the weekend check that he comes through on his promises before you show the puss because how easy is it to let someone think you're going to get them this you're going to look after them you're going to get them and you're giving someone a free blue job then yeah and you don't actually need to and also you will then be keen and you'll stay there because you've got this life that you've made up you've made up your future it's all made up

so you're going to hang in there it's all a dream but you've almost touched it in a dream world by this point you've almost touched it because it's been made up that much you've almost there

so you stay with them longer because it's so well and the worst kind of ones and you've made it up the worst ones are the ones that whip it away from you and then blame it back on you

but it was never fucking there in the first place it was never there I'm going to cancel that holiday now right well I was thinking about doing that and I'm not going to now just I used to be the worst

for really believing what they say are you being a psycho we're not getting on holiday yeah i used to be the worst for just believing what people's what men said do you remember no really no we're not going there no we're not going there send in send in your stories now we're going to talk about as always what we bought this week we didn't do my theory on date three men at once so we're going to do that we have to do that because i agree i don't know it yet theory um so we've taught you about future faking today by the way guys someone's approached me to write an e-book on dating

an e-book on dating would you do it make make loads of money those e-books i think make loads of money but no because then it'd take away from the pod just listen to the pod instead and make money why don't we start a dating tip segment i haven't got any i've not been on a date ever so what the fuck am i gonna advise i've got them they'll have to be a you thing i can do divorce okay right so what we bought this week divorce and emotional abuse come to me kits glasses k-i-t-s glasses okay they are gorgeous prescription glasses they are like 50 dollars right and then you get your prescription added in for like another 20 to come dead quick where was that website we had that other one and it's the same as that but yeah where was that i can't

remember and we we used to get our glasses from tin tin tijan tijan t-i-j-n it was yeah it's like that but it's called kids glasses have a look um the doll beauty new lip blushes heard of these gorgeous they're like um the refi and the rude ones oh they're just gorgeous lovely shades now i am obsessed with this brand it's called hilden beauty right so you know those hourglass sticks that we're obsessed with the phantom glossy bomb and they're very expensive they're like exactly the same as that but cheaper also their lip products the liners i'll bring one for you i've never had a lip liner it's called hilden hilden okay there you go um and the colors are gorgeous um the new wolfie eyebrow lamination she sent it me and i've not had chance because

all my anything i've been sent new and improved brilliant like if you're going on holiday if you're going to ibiza if you're gonna go and get like run a train on like your eyebrows will last with this um anyway right rock luggage i found that last night and it looks fucking well nice anyone used them before i've seen people using them they it was like matcha color cases really really reasonable really nice and the reviews were really good so rock luggage if you girls are going away go and have a lot tell us what you think of them because i might get one because i'm going away soon now this one was for you you said you think you're suffering with pmdd premenstrual did i delulu disorder or whatever it's called yeah you did you said before your

period now you've started getting really angry oh i don't know that's what we blamed the mental breakdown on oh did i yeah i was probably just blaming it on something but yeah yeah um there's a supplement called and i know it is a serious thing that oh my god it's really serious i when and I get my period off. Some people can genuinely want it. A friend of mine I spoke about before goes into psychosis. Well, if you have that, that's a doctor situation. However, there is a supplement that loads of people

are raving about at the minute. Go and do your research. I've not tried it, can't warrant for it, but it's called Ditto. And it's for anything like hormone-y, period-y. Go and have a look, because I had a look and the website looks amazing. now you guys know we are supportive of other female founders and it's coming up to that time

of year we're going on holiday you want to buy some bits and you don't just want to go on plt and order the same thing that a hundred different people have got also i feel like summer clothes like the satiny dresses and stuff like that if you buy a good quality one that can last in your wardrobe for a couple of summers because realistically you only bring out ones for your main summer holiday you don't so you you some of my whole in my holiday box i've got stuff in there from years whereas winter not so much that's why i've got some missoni stuff i think it's because we don't wear summer clothes a lot in this country so we tend to keep them for longer what um that sam kenney's range looks really nice that she's bringing out so we've done a little

list of small female fashion brands that have got some really nice summer bits so have a look at sam kenny's range that she's done with is it gianelle i can't pronounce it i can't pronounce it but their stuff's gorgeous jade store everyone loves jade store oh she is a lovely girl she's beautiful everyone loves jade and when i'm pregnant i wear their trousers all the time their loungewear is gorgeous their summer dresses are absolutely stunning stunning by kiara i've heard of this have you seen it it's like the satin sets i've heard i think i might follow them she can make like i follow her i'm sure i do you're very gorgeous very you with the crop tops oh lovely tsc wardrobe never heard of i've got a few bits from them very very nice rochelle humes wears

quite a bit bit more expensive but the quality is sensational my black shirts from there you know with the shoulder pads and the really long sleeves that's from there and they do like it's very like dng inspired like florally bits um francesca couture love love scouse print like literally amazing esme rose again all gorgeous like dressy stuff assandra studios yes scene oh nice nice nice so there's a little show and i mentioned one last week at 12 look at 12 i don't i say it 12 looks i mentioned that last week that i got dressed from there um maybe scouse and maybe not um okay mine is a bit random really i've got ninja crispy oh i've got one i told you to get that didn't i got the glass one because james is on the toxicity thing and it's glass it's not i've

got the glass one walk right good so there's some school shoes on amazon they're nine pounds mate it has to be done they trash them what do they do just kick around the playground they just kick shit around they kick things

repeatedly on purpose and come home and when they're patent they all lift so Amazon do a range and it's called Walk Right they're about nine quid

absolutely fine nice not like awful you think they're just nice fine I bought the littlest one some because hers were peppered bought three or some more

because hers were on the way out for eight nine quid I'll just buy them every term absolutely I'm not spending 40 quid on a pair of school shoes so i got those again for the girls for the last like bit before summer i got some wooden baby

toothbrushes from amazon because not plastic little tiny wooden ones for his little tiny teethies and they're for baby ones and they've got little pastel colors on i got him then i did an h&m order some of the baby three-piece sets for boys are absolutely gorgeous little shirt little shorts and a t-shirt for like 18 quid and you've got three different things that's really good really good i got i'm going to tell you the name of it now because it hasn't arrived yet but i absolutely love it and i know i already love it with a capri pant and a sand like a flip-flop or a kitten's flip sandal flip-flop thing it's called belted cotton twill jacket in khaki h&m so it's like an oversized dark great fucking gorgeous in patreon a few

oh i didn't see it right well i've ordered it um and it's like a denim material almost and structured and i think with with a capri gorgeous so i got that i got some black jelly flip-flops jelly is very very in as we know from h&m and then from amazon again i got some james did fushi organic aloe vera juice yeah it's the raw it's organic raw it's the highest level of aloe vera juice available in the uk do you do a shot of it yeah so james it's james to be honest that's on this hype i haven't got time antioxidant good at cleansing reduces inflammation really hydrating good for cleansing and we're shotting it in the morning james has done a lot of research and he said that this particular one is the best and if you have tummy problems it's meant to be

great tolerances the fushi um organic castor oil is the best one that you can get if you want to do the rally buttons the fushi on amazon will link it it looks to be the best expensive um and then finally i got the youth mall pink whitening toothpaste again i love that it makes you the kids spicy mommy kids hate it spicy but i won't let them have the other stuff so they're using it and they're going hot hot i'm like you'll find me later spicy is good clean teeth and i like how it looks it's white and the actual stuff's pink and it just looks really nice and that's it that's everything that i bought this week well it's not because i've probably bought more and forgot but that's what i remembered fucking 20 quid for a bottle of juice yeah and you just have a shot of

it oh but he'll spend 40 on a bottle of vodka okay uh i can't argue that i can't argue that that was a great response actually well done get in your cage i keep like saying stuff to my sister like you're so hung over or like i was having a go at something the other day and she was like you are just jealous of all of us having fun yeah doing what we want and i can go and i'm single what did we say i'm being horrible you're projecting the fact that you're jealous onto them i get it like going on a second date to there are we oh i would never it's like yeah you fucking would you suck

like shut up off out again out with Francesca I bet when she comes home you stood there with your dressing gown and your big fat belly

like oh drunk again out with Francesca oh you another McDonald's oh I am so jealous of you all

oh this room stinks of alcohol that's the best one oh it's like you shouldn't drink if you end up like this yes

why do you bother if this is the state you're getting I wouldn't bother ruin your next date and they were all there they were all just chatting shit

to each other and then you'll see me in a few weeks time in someone's kitchen like absolutely absolutely no

you're projecting it right we've got a dilemma to finish up okay no we haven't right guys that is the end that is the end we have gone on

let us know if you like the episode love you love you bye