Nip Tuck - Guest Special: Jax Feeley

Episode Date: November 30, 2022

On todays episode the girls are joined by Jax Feeley, who tells his inspiring story transitioning from female to male. Jax explains the challenges he faced throughout his life and how he overcame them to get to where he is today, plus the girls have a few cheeky questions of their own.To get involved with the show, you can send us a DM on Instagram and TikTok, find us @niptuckpod. Or you can email [e-mail] can also send us your Icks & Dilemma's via WhatsApp! You can text or voice note the girls on [phone]Our GDPR privacy policy was updated on August 8, 2022. Visit acast.com/privacy for more information. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

hi guys and welcome to nip tuck and not giving a fuck this is the podcast where we celebrate being positive aspirational women and men and this is all about being unapologetically yourself whatever that may be on nip tuck we want you to get your voice heard you can email us at hello do it like you at nittookpod.com you can also get in touch via whatsapp

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if you want to remain anonymous we can either keep it secret or we can warp your voice so don't panic if you head over to this episode's description you can get more info on how to get in touch

with us thanks guys we want to know everything so we want to know what's getting on your tits your embarrassing story what's giving you the ick what you've been up to

at the weekend what you're embarrassed about funny, slutty, interesting, sad, sad, everything. We want to know it all. Dilemmas. Everything. Basically, we just don't give a fuck. Right, guys, today we have a guest with us. Hello, Jax. Hello. Oh, hello. Hello, Jax. We've got a man in the room and we're both sat really close to him. Lauren, should we start by how we all got talking to each there yeah so jack's actually got in touch with well probably you and me and i'm probably the one that replied because i replied to the end and ash fucking doesn't um and said and said

honestly she doesn't like to anyone um i wasn't pretty you know um so jack's got in touch with me and basically said that he absolutely loves the show but also thinks that what we talk about could be a really good platform but something that he talks about yes um and keeping it funny but also informative which i love and i love that you actually got in touch with us because that makes me feel like we're really fucking good yeah because like someone's got in touch like yes you're good yeah and now i'm like yes i am um so yeah that's basically what happened but jacks tell us i mean why you got in touch with me tell us all the good stuff why did you get in touch with us um so i got in touch with you because i think that your podcast

is is brilliant in a sense that it's so real and raw and thank you and honest and you have conversations that that people either don't necessarily want to have or they're uncomfortable having oh absolutely whether that's about you know surgery sex your body your experiences embarrassing stories whatever it is I think that without actually realising it

you are you are preaching being unapologetically you and I think that that's really important and I think you should be really proud of that

so I want to be a part of it so I agree and one of the things that I know we both want to do with this show as it progresses

from talking about arseholes as we move forward over time we do want to touch on the serious stuff as well with a jokey twist

always but we do want to Talk about things that people aren't talking about. Absolutely. People are scared to talk about. Yeah. People talk about, but don't talk about it real. And I think if we do that, we can help fucking loads of people.

Yeah. So I am glad you got in touch. And how excited have we been? I know, so excited. Really? Yeah. Like the questions we've got for you. Well, you know.

We'll see. So Jax, tell us a bit about you and kind of why you thought we could help you spread the word. Tell us what your word is. What are you saying? about two years ago I started my transition from female to male two years

so shut up like honestly only two years yeah yeah two years that's nothing yeah two years ago

probably this month like I basically made a video on YouTube and whatever and came out to the world do you mind me asking how old you are you can ask me

whatever you want to do it I'm 29 29 yeah what he just said there is why he's here you can ask me whatever you want

oh my god yeah okay so two years ago you started your transition yeah so um I was a prison officer for three years before as a female prison officer right and I obviously reached a point in my own life where I was not okay I didn't want to be here anymore I was at I was at a bad point and it came it came to a point in my life where I had to choose right well I either die or I have a goal I either die or I give this a go right so I'm gonna do this and I'm gonna do it properly and I'm gonna take everyone on the journey

with me and we're all just gonna learn and we're just gonna see what happens because as horrendous as it sounds i was ready to die anyway so if it doesn't so if it doesn't work then nothing's lost nothing's lost so i'm just gonna do this and see what happens and never in a million years did i think i would be able to walk back into a prison um and that's turned out to be one of the best things i ever did and the feedback that i've had from that is because of the approach that i've taken with it and to walk into it's the not giving a fuck approach yeah yeah and and sort of no matter how scared i am i know that i have to do what terrifies me to find my own true happiness every day so if i walk in and say listen it's it's okay to make mistakes and give people that time and

that space to learn yeah and understand and and go through their own process with it and ask me questions and talk about it and as long as it's not malicious yeah to me that's like someone if someone's showing an interest they're showing an interest and they want to learn yeah and if someone gets something wrong then you can give someone that information if they still want to then be wrong then they're an arsehole yeah but if they take that information and then go actually you've just changed my mind or you've just helped me with something then it changes so because of that it had a massive effect on the prisoners and I started doing different things to raise awareness and i've basically been on a mission over the last year to spread awareness and talk about things you

know on podcasts or on tiktok or or whatever platform and talk about in a way that that doesn't make people retreat yes you know it doesn't and doesn't and it doesn't throw it in people's faces it it just i'm just trying to show people that your family doesn't have to disown you and you can still have these amazing relationships with your friends and your siblings and And, you know, people, the big question is, you know, sex, relationships, your body parts, all these things. Yeah. So it's massive for people.

You're not defensive about that. No, because I want people to, if we don't have these uncomfortable conversations, how's anyone going to learn? I completely agree. One of the things I was a bit, I say nervous. I think, as you know, and as our listeners know, I've got no filter.

Yeah. And nothing I ever said. So let me tell you, we've been with Jack half an hour before we recorded. he knows my whole sexual history of the weekend in fact we were going to get him to sign an NDA but we realised that I already tell everyone and we're all about everyone's arses

yeah you know what I'm like but as you just said the word it's never malicious now one of the problems that I personally think we have with anything I'm using quotation marks different or unusual

or new anything that we're not used to I think we are personally I say this from and you probably agree Ash i'm scared to discuss it because if i say the terminology wrong if i say i mean i'm never going to say it wrong so much but if i say something it changes every day as well yeah and things are moving constantly and it's not something that's in my day-to-day life because it's not something

that i've experienced so my fear is always offending if we are all scared of offending then we're not talking exactly and if we're not talking then it's weird to us because we don't understand it yeah and i think the fact that you you're completely on the same wavelength as me that let's have those uncomfortable conversations let's ask the questions like it's not malicious but we want to know more because how do we learn if we don't discuss it but i have been scared what if i say the wrong terminology and then whoever's listening is hugely offended i'm fucking cancelled like it's a fear yeah and i think the way you're approaching it it's fucking perfect yeah and if i say something wrong you say lauren no you don't say it like that and then i go ah yeah yeah and

then you'll take it home and you'll take it somewhere else and then you don't say that yeah and that's how things change otherwise we say nothing first of all though before we do all this really serious shit Ash has brought some fucking pickles for us to eat

oh my god guys so she's met him for like 10 minutes and she's just pulled some pickles out and told him to get his mouth round it

like that is how you get to know a person though get your mouth round it I mean I don't know I mean don't give me a spicy one because I'll throw up

in your studio oh don't ruin it well I'll read the packet and you want me to be able to talk for like the next hour so tell us what the fuck is this right let me just open this one right guys so this pickle the hot mama she's on qbc the hot mama has gone viral okay so these van holton's pickles by the way it's not an ad or any of that shit it's definitely not i'm really into my tiktok

and like this weekend my feed was just overwhelmed with these fucking hanging right so I bought them and I thought as like an introduction for Jax to the show we'll make him eat a pickle now he

he's only a guest I mean just a hug would have been alright so we've got three pickles here we've got Big Mama we've got you have that

kosher pickle and we've got Big Papa so I think because I I agree you're having

Big Mama what I was going to say because you instigated it you're having the Big Mama ok Jax I'm so much more

I'm being nice and you're getting baby kosher pickles. This is disgusting. And I'm having big papa. So mine is a hearty dill pickle.

I can't cope with that juice. I'm sorry. It's disgusting. Right, now you're meant to drink the juice first. Right, can we say before anything, I hate pickles.

I've never really eaten one. Just have a bite of it. Come on, guys. Let's get them open. I'm genuinely scared. I am. Right.

The smell. Ready? Okay, get your pickles head stop it can't even open it come on big mama I can smell it

right and after three we all take a bite right right hang on push your pickle up through the top

slowly careful because there's juice you don't want the juice erupting just yet what does hot mama smell like I can't smell it I can't

if I smell it I'm going to be sick oh they smell like ass you've got a tiny one you've got Jax has got a tiny pickle Cheers, everyone. Cheers.

Right, okay, ready? Okay, one, two, three. Oh, my God. That is vile. That's stunning. It tastes like a big mac. I need some tissue. Jackson's going to be sick.

Have you actually put it in? It's chewed it. He's fucking chewing it. No, I can't. I've just spat it everywhere. I thought we had to eat it. You two help I'm not a fucking

I'm not an idiot I don't want to eat it It's still in my mouth It's alright This is awful I need some tissue I don't think we can be friends anymore No I'm sorry guys

We had to try that Why the fuck has that gone viral? I don't know Why did you eat it? I ate it as well I felt the peer pressure right We're back after our pickles um everyone's had a little bit of a drink and a wash and i thought you meant a drink as in like

we've all had a drink we've all had a pint we've cleaned up it was disgusting now jacks we want to like get straight into it but i'm gonna try and rein in lauren's adhd can you stop saying that because people keep messaging me asking if i want to be an advocate for adhd i have not been diagnosed i'm just giddy i'm just giddy so um i think with the questions let's start like from the beginning because the main i think like the first thing that sprung into my mind was at what point were you like i am in the wrong body for me yeah so obviously you said from like the first initial conversations we've had two years ago is when you started your transition from what i know because me and lauren have worked with trans patients before a lot haven't we yes

Yes, when we worked at the cosmetic surgery company. They had to go through like psychological tests and jump through certain like bureaucratic stuff prior to going straight in for it. And they were like, you know, completely... I don't think that's the worst thing in the world though. No, I don't. So the actual transition started two years ago.

Yeah, when did you think something's not right? Yeah, were you like, right. So most people ask me, did you always know? Right. so at 27 was when you started yeah when i like officially came out and started transitioning when people ask me that there's kind of two answers to the question so obviously i only really realized and delved into it when i was about 26 years old but you'd probably already had 10 years of like sexual experiences and like hormones and because

at 16 yeah you've started yeah of course so i only delved into it then when it when it really started to become apparent to me but now i can look back now at me as a child and i absolutely knew yeah you knew then but i just didn't have the vocabulary to verbalize what you were feeling how i was feeling for all that time so i didn't know what it was but there was always something there and what were you feeling so i mean my mum explains it now and she's like there was always an element of anxiety and being uncomfortable you know whether it was um like going shopping for clothes when i was a kid and i wouldn't want to be in a good i wouldn't want to be in the girls section because i felt so uncomfortable and i felt like i looked like a man but then but did

you look like a man in my head right okay in my head i thought i did pictures and you didn't because but that's how i felt yeah but then i didn't want to go in the boys section because i wasn't a boy and the amount of times i'd run out of the shops crying like i just couldn't go shopping for clothes um and that went on for years like i just could not stand it what did your mum think it was what my mum just thought that i was anxious and i just had i was just struggling with and obviously as i got older i was just struggling with my mental health and whatever else and as i as i got sort of like later in and i do things as well i'd always be like chasing something else like chasing a new life you know i convinced him i wanted to move school at 14

i moved school too much later i want to go back so was it that you were you were looking for something i was chasing something yeah i knew you yeah i was chasing something that i but i just couldn't find what i was recognized it yeah because it wasn't there the representation wasn't there i didn't know what it was i didn't know if it was impossible like it wasn't something that i was thinking about yeah but throughout from being really little i i always had um like like uh compulsive thoughts in my head so i'd always say to myself like a million times a day um that i want everything to be okay i wouldn't change anything um i don't want anything bad to and I love being a girl wow so that was one of the things and it was like I was and I didn't know

what I was doing but it was just these little prayers in my head from being like six seven years old as a child and that went that went on till I was about 24 like just constantly you know like a bit of like like an OCD like a compulsion yeah um and I just have to say it over and over and over again whatever I was doing you know that's what was going on in my head and I look back now and I think oh my god you've just like tried to convince yourself you're happy for so long yeah so um so that went on until until I was sort of late teens and then as I was like 17 18 and you know you're surrounded by your life and you I'm from Wigan it's sort of like a small town vibe and I tried my best to be that Wigan girl with long hair what is a Wigan girl just the the

people who not not a Wigan girl but the people who were around me yeah Wigan girls what you could see yeah what I could see so you know long hair going out in dresses because you had that six yeah like just trying to be that person and you know when i'd go out and i'd have people coming up to me be like are you a bloke why and it would break my heart like but why it would i think i think just because i'm tall and i'm broad and i'm yeah and i think people would literally come up to me in pubs and honestly it would break me like ash just think now so we're looking at jacks and jacks is clearly a man if i wouldn't think of that he's tall he's broad he's the characteristics of a man yeah so now imagine that he had long hair and a dress and makeup maybe people he would look

quite masculine i mean i don't think obviously i felt like that but i mean i've changed a lot now like even the shape of my face yeah yeah so like my face was a lot rounder and your eyes everything changes so um and obviously i don't have as much hair but um so obviously that used to break me like i used to get shouted at in women's toilets you know what do you mean are you do okay yeah like this is a woman's toilet how do i say you must have looked a bit manly i think i mean why would people say it do you know what i mean it was just i think i think that i think it's an athletic physique that people just go it's just your shape i can't say that like you were lean but i think that's what it was and nobody wants to be misgendered in any way like

i don't want to be a man who looks like a woman i don't want to be woman looks like a man i don't want to be anything i just want to be me yeah and that is just it just breaks someone's heart and it just makes you feel so uncomfortable what were your friends like did you have good friends yeah i had good friends but like even in school like one of my one of my good friends told me this the other day actually and she said because you know what school's like kids can be horrible horrible and that was the go-to for me if i fell out with someone like you're a you're a man or whatever and my one of my old friends said to me the other day people used to say to me in school like why are you friends why are you friends with jess she's a man and i just and they obviously

just like that's just me mate that's jess yeah i so i always refer to myself in the third person because Jess is still very much like a part of my life and it's easier for me to say Jess and Jax than trying to like explain it. Trying to explain it. Yeah, that makes sense. Yeah, so I talk about Jess like she's... Like it's someone else.

Like it's someone else, but something really special to me, if that makes sense. So, sorry, I'm going off course. So do you still kind of, sorry, I am as well here, but do you still like respect Jess and love Jess for what Jess was, is?

So I'm very different to the majority of trans people and it's because a lot of people see that person as being dead. Yeah, I kind of thought that. You know, there's a term called dead naming and people don't... See, all this stuff, I don't know this. Yeah, people don't appreciate if someone says, what was your name before or things like that.

Right, so I've just asked you that question. Oh, they wouldn't like that. They wouldn't like it because... I didn't know that, so how are we meant to know this stuff? Exactly, exactly, so... think you just approach with caution yeah of course but then when you're too cautious we're not going to speak anymore because i'm scared yeah you wouldn't know that term because it's so there's a term called dead naming it and the majority of people see that person as being dead

and they remove everything right and for me i just i just could not do that like jess was was 28 years of my life and for my mum and dad like as much as someone you know we could talk about parents but as much as someone doesn't die you do have to grieve a person oh my god yeah and i've had to grieve jess my mom and dad have had to grieve jess my family my friends you know they gave birth to a daughter they named that daughter goosebumps because like oh my god i feel really emotional because obviously i've got i've got fear my little girl and the thought of her like having her for ages and then saying like i'm not oh my what i'm not yeah i'd miss it but then they're gaining yeah and it's so hard it is so hard and when with with parents as well it's it's fear

it's so much fear like my mum's like life's hard enough like i don't want to watch you go through this and the abuse and and you you don't think it's ever going to happen to someone you know and you know it's dangerous being trans like people want to kill you just for existing what like people are still getting oh I don't want to make you why I must be home I'm so sorry

but you know I couldn't honestly I think do you get like trolled a lot I get more on TikTok than I do in the prison oh my god me too

people tell me like I need electrocuting like yo what's wrong with the world like you should have killed yourself all these things and I do what I do

because someone in my position but maybe not feeling okay or not having support wouldn't be able to do this would listen to those people and I can't like I can't let that happen

but with parents it was hard and we butted heads they must have found it so hard as a parent I'm like why I've skipped so between

age of 16 I've skipped even realising I've just said so much it's like so 16 to like 21 you were like learning

going out dressing up so I was trying to be that and that was when I started sort of delving into my sexuality and realised that I was attracted to women

and at the time I joined the military I went into the RAF do you think that was part of like compressing I mean it's one of the best decisions I ever made

because it's it's fantastic and it it it brings people out of the the small town world and shows people that there's life and there's a bigger world and you don't just feel like you see all these different people and you're like oh my god maybe it's not small town yeah exactly so for me I was sort of had like bad mental health around 18 19 and that's when I and that's when I joined and I was questioning my sexuality then but back then even just 10 years ago I didn't know a single gay woman in wigan no you know like i didn't and it so that was terrifying and i joined the area maybe attracted to women at the time that was scary yeah that was coming out for the first time

did you voice it to anyone so i joined the raf yeah and i was statistically there's so many more gay women who joined the military and i joined the military and i was suddenly surrounded by all these gay women who played rugby who were like me who were like into the sport and you know i was in a uniform so i weren't just jess i was behind a uniform and i was surrounded by all these women who were strong and they owned it and they were unapologetic and they were gay but they were still feminine and all these things where they wanted to be and not just whatever yeah they were just being so that obviously then gave me the courage to come out the first time which you know was fine and did you kind of think this is me i am a gay woman yeah 100 i joined the military

yeah i felt so proud in the uniform i was surrounded by all these women i felt like yeah i'm gay like this is me this is it and you were about 21 at this point so i joined when i was 19 you're so fucking young so that i was like this is me my mum and dad would say i'm like this is this is just now like and i bet everyone was relieved like ah this is it this is it this is it you just need now you just need to be around the right people mentally and physically stimulated like you that's you yeah um and like everything else it's it was just filling a void and everything has a time cap yeah right so I was happy in the military I loved it you know and for me I found power in a uniform like I am useless when I'm not in a uniform because the uniform allowed me to be

someone somebody and not just have to sit with Jess and at the time still obviously I didn't know what that meant but I look back now and I'm like that's why so um I spent three years in the RAF before um so I was playing a lot of rugby at the time and they're very big on sport and stuff so I got posted to um a different job basically and I used to be on a tactical unit so we'd just fly all over the world like you know guard military planes and stuff like that all like worst and best places in the world and that kept me going but as soon as I was posted so that I could play more rugby I was in a desk job and um I had to sit with Jess then so my literally my mental stability just started

deteriorating fast because I was just sat at a desk and I just could not cope with it I couldn't cope with it now anyway but back then when you've got things in your head and it wasn't even the fact that I want to be a man I was just depressed I just wasn't okay

and did you feel a bit like I'm a lesbian woman or a gay woman, I don't know, did you say lesbian, gay? yeah, whichever and then was it all of a sudden like oh no that's not right, I'm still not okay I was still chasing something so I was like right I'll buy a house that'll fix it I'll change my car that'll fix it I'll be friends with you that'll fix it I think a lot of people do that with in life yeah so I was doing

all these things I was doing well in my life but I never once was looking in the mirror and thinking this I need to look deep in myself here did you have a girlfriend um a few like over that period of time and how was that did you feel comfortable more comfortable then yeah obviously because I because I'd had boyfriends before before oh my god so I'd had boyfriends before that okay um before obviously before i joined the area yeah so you'd had boys so you've had you'd had boyfriends yeah straight woman gay woman trans man whatever you want later later yeah yeah so um so yeah so i i literally started deteriorating and i got sent on tour and whilst i was on tour i just basically decided right i just i just need to go home i just

need to leave like the ref is is incredible and i've got so much love and pride for it and if i hadn't have had my own shit going on i probably would have still been in yeah but i was in such a bad place that i just could not like carry on i just needed to go home and go to my mom yeah you needed your mom so when you're in the military obviously you have to put your notice in it you have to put it in a year it lasts a year so i put my my noticing whilst i was on tour yeah and i came back on tour off tour and you have sort of a bit of time off anyway after the tour and I literally did not leave my mum's side for about two months like I just I went everywhere with her I went hairdressing with her because she gave you like she just made me feel

safe I was just I just felt unsafe I couldn't stop crying I couldn't stop I couldn't look at anybody I didn't want to talk to anybody I was and you're a bit fucked anyway when you come back off tour but but I was just just done I was just gone and um I know it's not about your mum but I keep thinking no but it affects everyone but i keep thinking like imagine thinking what do i do like what's wrong with her at the time i don't know what to do about it i was just i was just completely broken i could not stop crying and i know my mum was worried because she'd watched this unfold like this mental health sort of yeah you know and um and so that happened and then i went back to work for a bit and realized i just couldn't so i was off sick from the military

basically and i got a job in the prison service so it got me out a little bit sooner back in your uniform exactly yeah so i did that and i was like i just need to be at home and that's what i felt like i needed so i'd obviously not been like very well yeah and then i got that job um and it got me out of the military a few months earlier so i went straight into the prison service which was brand new distraction uh so then you're all right again for a little bit because you've got like a new distraction you've got a uniform yeah yeah it was the perfect in between for me where i'm at home it's it's the perfect in between between like civilian and military life you know i'm living at home but i'm in a service and i'm in a uniform and i'm i'm doing all these things so i went into

that obviously you know i love the job you know it's so different you're working with so many people i'm in a different uniform i'm meeting i've got 100 questions just about that i know i'm meeting new people um and to a prisoner you're everything you know your mum dad nurse fireman police man therapist you know I was just it just keeps you it's just different every day and it keep that's what I need anyway yeah so for another two years at a female or a male prison so I work in a male prison but at the time I was a female officer so you're a female officer in a male prison yeah okay so I was known as Jess as Miss Feeley yeah the first three years okay so two years in um I'm having a conversation right just in general with someone about mental health

yeah and I forgot to tell you something actually so when I come back off tour when I was like in a ditch I said to my mum is it because I want to be a boy and is that the first time you said it yeah is that why I'm so depressed wow and my mum said to me she was like no she was like you're this beautiful athletic woman like no matter who tells you you just can't see how beautiful you are like this is who you are you know this is you wouldn't be you if you weren't so did she think that you were kind of just unhappy with who you were and trying to put yourself

in a box type of thing and like work out what was wrong and she's like no no she was just being being a mum you know yeah and at the time that's what we both believed

and I ask her now and she says I could never say yeah Jess you should have been a boy because if you'd have listened to me and then done that and it wouldn't have been

the right decision did she know she'd have felt responsible I would never have forgiven myself yeah do you think she knew I think she had inklings because I'd always questioned it

because I'd always been called it yeah so but that is what we both believed at that time and I sort of buried it again and then sorry so I was having this conversation like about a year two years later within my prison um career and we was talking about mental health and I said like very blasé oh yeah I just I've like struggled with mental health and blah blah and I used to think I wanted to be a man and just like said it's like I've dealt with that dealt with that you know that's just it just was just a fleeting thought and since that moment it took over my brain it just brought it right back to the forefront and then I just could not stop thinking about it and that then led me to dive into the world of YouTube and finding all these trans men who were

like documenting the journey and you know happy and they've had surgery and they were building these amazing bodies and they were being models and they were doing all these things and I'm looking at this thinking is this actually possible so did you not even know no not really because Because I think, because I feel like... Not really, because there isn't that representation there for men. I guess, yeah. You know, the stereotypical thing that people think, the image that they get in their head

when you hear the word transgender is a man in a dress. Yeah, you do. And you assume it's one way. When I've told people that we've got you on and why we've got you on, people have said, no, no, no, female to male. And they've been like, oh, right, OK, that's interesting. Because everyone, you're right.

You definitely don't hear as much about that. No, you don't. Yeah, there isn't that. And that's why I'm trying to become the face of that. So I just didn't think it would be a thing. so i started watching youtube and whatever else and for the next year i was just watching these things you just emerged yourself in research if those people hadn't been doing that no you wouldn't have been where you are now which is why it's so important for you to now do it yeah

exactly and there wasn't a lot at the time but there was bits and and i was sort of diving into that and i spent about a year just sort of diving into this because i just thought that's really god i i i i was looking at these things but i was like i can't do that not a chance in hell not a chance in hell can i do that in wigan i can't do that to my family i can't do that i can't do that so i'll just live vicariously through youtube but what i didn't realize was as i delved more into that my mental health again was just going from and working in a prison it's it's one of the most dangerous and volatile environments and if you're not can you tell us more about working in a prison that also fucking fascinates me saying can we have you on for like

three shows because i've got loads of stuff on do you know what i always say if i didn't do what i do now i work in a prison it's interesting though and it's different every day and it's you know the program so yeah yeah i'm fucking obsessed with it but to be in a place like that when you're not in a good headspace is dangerous because i was angry i was just getting more and more angry because i was watching people live their authentic lives and i wasn't you weren't so i was just getting without realizing it i was just getting mad and mad and mad at life and if you want to start an argument or start a fight in a prison it's very easy oh my god yeah i bet anyone will have it and you start to put yourself and other people in danger and and i was always a

well-respected officer and i was good at my job and and for like six month period what i didn't realize people were noticing me just cause absolute fucking carnage really and not know why in what way just like you know you can snap at a prison your head was a bit cloud yeah yeah like prison is all about how you how you speak to people how you deal with situations and if you want to just cause carnage and then if something's happening you've got to then defend your officers so if i'm having an argument with every fucker everyone's fighting every day yeah so i got called in once by one of my governors who's a really good friend of mine now but at the time she pulled me in she was like right we need to we need to talk like there's we there's there's been like several

complaints like about yeah from staff from prisoners and whatever else i was like what i was like i'm the only one doing my fucking job right yeah yeah yeah um so and she said she was like i've had i've had uh i've had a complaint of this prisoner i'm gonna read it to you oh god and this guy right like six foot guy big guy right not small and i'm just one female officer at this point right and don't get me wrong i was feisty but i was like come on i'm not terrorizing wings here i'm one person she was like right this complaint says um if i could choose between being in a shark tank with a shark and or being on the prison landing with jess feely i'd choose the chat i'd choose the chat every time oh my god yes

and i was like are you fucking joking me like what and i bet you're like what i'm not fucking you're taking this shit serious blah blah blah you know stormed out her office you know i've not got a fucking temper yeah yeah she was like we're gonna get you a mentor we're gonna do this we're gonna do that and i was fuming i was like i'm experienced in this job you you know you put me on certain jobs because i'm good at it you're saying i need a fucking mentor blah blah so i was fuming so i left and took a door off her hinges and and you were only 25 26 yeah yeah and you were scaring big scary because i just didn't give a fuck i was like who the fuck are you talking to yeah because you probably got you were done you didn't care anymore no i didn't i didn't and

that's the thing that's the thing i didn't i didn't realize but i was suicidal yeah so you were like on a rampage yeah yeah self-destruct um and i left that office and just broke down like like just i was just devastated because i was hiding something i hadn't told anyone about it and she called me back in the next day and i got really upset and she was like what is going on yeah like there's something wrong what's going on and i was i was really upset and i was like there is something but i can't i can't tell you i hadn't told my family i hadn't told anyone i was like i just can't tell you and she was like well we'll support you you know we'll do whatever and she kicks herself now for not pushing it but I was like I would never have never have let you in

and she sat there she's like well we'll do this and we'll do that and I'm sat there thinking I'm going off sick anyway yeah so I'm done like I'm done I knew that it reached a point where I couldn't continue functioning yeah like I was just there before you were like yeah I was like I just can't keep doing this so I went off sick from that point didn't tell anyone anything within the prison service and i was not then at a point where i've always told everyone my entire life when it feels scary to jump that is exactly when you jump otherwise you stay in the same place your entire life zone is exactly there's no growth in the comfort zone so it was it was my time to take my own advice and like i said to you before i was i was at a point where i was like you know

what i don't i don't want to die but i don't want to live anymore yeah i felt like that what do you do with that yeah yeah well you don't want to you're not like i don't want to die but waking up every morning i don't i don't want to do this either yeah so i was like right well i don't want to leave my family i don't want to do that to them i don't want to do that so i'm just going to do this and we'll just see what happens and thank god you chose that way yeah oh my god yes like because there is no hope and there's you know you need to be able to see like on screen or anywhere were like that's me that's okay and i still thought at the time i can't fucking do this like i was ashamed i was embarrassed i was like which you should not have been so i get i i decided

to to sort of come out and tell my family and whatever else and what did you tell like what were the words i sat them down so the first why do i keep crying you're fucking crying what a pair of what a fucking pair someone talk about dick but you know what but that's how i I think that's how you get through to people because it touches people's emotions and they realise it's real and it could happen to you, it could happen to your child,

your sister, your brother. Like, you have to be prepared for this. And the first time I come out, 10 years earlier, I sat down and I was crying my eyes out thinking terrified of being gay and my dad just went, you're gay, aren't you?

What are you getting at? We've known for years. We've known for years. She's not crying now, she said that to me. Well, thank you for realising because we've been waiting. Finally we can talk about it.

At the time, I was shitting myself, like crying my eyes out, like squeezing my sister's hand yeah my sister took a picture of it and had it tattooed on my arm like I was holding hands at that point

oh my god that's so yeah so that was ten years earlier right and now you're like guys I'm back so me yeah yeah I'm back for round two

serious this time I'm definitely awake so get them all around the dining room table again don't I right so I'm like oh I hate those conversations I hate them

so they're thinking in their head well it can't be that again she's already gay so so what can it be so they're all they're all start guessing don't they

she's pregnant exactly was that one of them you're pregnant so I was like no no I'm gay you're getting a puppy

no a puppy you like men again no I like men again right and then my dad goes as a joke

yeah you're not having a sex change are you oh my god and my dad is like the epitome of man like yeah yeah yeah

so he said that and I was like shit it's a puppy I'm having a puppy bye everyone so I was like

yeah like yeah yeah I am and he just went green like he it was the biggest shock in the world so he just wasn't no the only person who had a slight inkling was mum your mum because she'd been there and even she says it was like a massive slap across the face because she was sat there thinking oh my god she's got to a point where she's ready to not be here anymore because she's known that she knew that i had i had thought

about taking my own life but she knew she knows me like she's psychic born on halloween she's psychic and she knew that i she was linking she's reached a point where she can't do this anymore she's going to actually do this and it was a massive massive shock and you know and like i said you know from my sister and my brother as well it was just the instant fear of what the hell like a journey how are we going to do this yeah it's everyone exactly yeah and my dad was like we're gonna have to leave wigan i'm gonna punch everybody he was like my brother was the same it's like we're gonna end up punching everybody like we can't say yeah because so do you know what's really sort of sad about this the first thing you think that everyone thought

yeah was you're gonna get your head kicked you're gonna get your head kicked in we're gonna have to punch everyone yeah how bad that that is their first thought of everyone's and in a place where they've they've been their entire life they know so many people they were thinking how are we gonna explain this like how are we gonna you know and and to have so little faith in everyone else that because that's how we feel because that's what society's yeah people that they know and they've known for years worrying that they're gonna be nasty to their and child the thing is and the worst thing that people can do is is tell their parents then just go accept it yeah because it's it's you have to grieve a person like they give birth to a daughter yeah they named that child

like they want that's what really gets me having like my dad probably thought about you know walking me down the aisle or you know i mean it still kind of wants but you know you could go down you know but yeah no it's just terrifying and it's grief and it's pain and they've literally gone through every emotion going and it's a debt it's a grieving someone like and and we butted heads for a long time and me and my dad were like well you're my little girl we're not gonna you know i'm not losing my little girl you'll always be jessica whatever over a period of months that you felt like he could speak to you this was in like arguments like you know if he called me something or whatever and i'd be like i'm not that you know because some parents i guess would just

like retreat yeah so yeah there's two parts this because if you had the parents that just retreated hid from it and didn't want to hear about it or you've got parents that really care about you which means that you'll be on this rollercoaster with them.

But are terrified of well what if it's the wrong decision and what if it doesn't work out for you and you know terrified and that's where it comes from

it's just fear. I feel like you can't expect someone's family just to be like okay then you've had a year watching YouTube they've got.

And one day it will be like that and that's why I'm doing everything I'm doing because it shouldn't be so frightening to just be you you know that shouldn't be a bomb just saying this is me that shouldn't be dropping a bomb and really it shouldn't affect anyone fine then right so jacks at what point did you think right

we are on the journey to transitioning like we are going in and we are physically transitioning what was your first appointment who do you call so who do you ring so basically the the waiting list on the nhs for someone to have an appointment to even get assessed to be diagnosed with gender dysphoria it's over six years six it's gone to six it's gone up to six exactly exactly like i couldn't have done that i was 27 years old and i was like i can't do that you'd be mid-30s before you even began exactly so um wasting the hottest years of your life yeah so um luckily for me obviously i i saved up and i went private which was still like a year's waiting list so i went still a year private yeah so i wait so i went through that so you get assessed by a psychiatrist

who speaks to you and has a consultation about what you understand about transitioning what you do you do you know if that's how you really feel how do you understand how you feel oh my god yeah because some people need counseling reports some people are just feeling unsure so let's make sure we're in the right exactly right journey here because it's not a state you want to make yes absolutely so you have that and and they were confident that i knew what i was saying you know i was obviously reassuring for you as well i'd sort of you know i understood the changes that would come and whatever else with hormones so they then refer you on to an endocrinologist who assesses you for hormones and then um as long as your gp is supportive which is

hard because if you don't have a supportive gp they can stop it what your gp can say no so yeah so if they don't agree with it so the gp and the why the fuck would the gp have a say in it they now have a shared care agreement to provide me a prescription right so i then i now take an injection of testosterone every week um so that basically then sets off your body into going through menopause and going through a teenage boy puberty oh my god i bet you were horrible so well luckily for me shark tank completely mellowed me out because i was so fucking angry anyway have you frozen your eggs first no because you don't want kids i do want kids but you're not bothered if it's your right i couldn't put myself through another six months

of going on more female hormones yes oh yeah because you've got to inject your transition off yeah yeah i wouldn't have been able to get the eggs and then and supposedly when because we've got friends at frozen there is they said they weren't fucking exactly and i just wasn't stable yeah i just couldn't do it okay so um so you start taking testosterone so took me about maybe eight months to stop periods right um and you basically go through a male puberty like you turn into a teenage boy yeah so that's probably for the first few years i'm still going through now you know so um and testosterone affects everything so um the squaring of your of your jaw your voice drop um growing hair in places that you didn't before your muscles your muscle mass

uh your hairline the way your body holds fat so like testosterone because my hair so like women Men hold fat predominantly on the hips and the legs. Men hold it more on the stomach. So did your fat, like... Yeah, so the shape of my body and everything, like, it's just completely... From one injection a week? Well, so at the time,

they basically have to try and get you to a level where you're at a testosterone level of a regular, say, 29-year-old male. Yeah, OK, OK. So that takes a bit of... Yeah, so you've got... So I'm still, like, balancing it out now. So you took the testosterone for a number of months

and then at what point have you had surgery yet? You've had top... Yes. Do we still say top, surgeon, bottom? Is that like a really old phrase? Yeah, no, no, no, yeah. So I have to take testosterone forever now. Yeah.

And if you don't, will, for example, your facial hair, you'll start going back? So you can't reverse the effects of testosterone. Oh. But that's why it's very difficult male to female because you've already gone through that male puberty. Yes. Do you know what I mean?

You've already changed it. So it's hard. Yeah, okay, okay, I've got you. But if I stopped taking it, my body would just produce more estrogen and my hormones would be a mess. And you'd be all over the top. yeah like like i used to cry every fucking day i can't cry now like it literally but i get all

the feelings how weird is that the man woman thing is so true like i get the feeling i need to cry like a lump in my throat i'm anxious and like i was watching pride of britain the other week and these tears just went and then it got to there and then it was just like they went back and i was like no let it out so that's like a man thing right so you have had surgery oh so sorry so yeah so i went to uh miami yeah so a lot of um they've got some with the nhs or with certain surgeries some people will just cut you open slice down the middle leave you with no nipples have no have like no thought of the aesthetics of it or anything like that and my mission is to is to model is to do things is to become his face and it's important to me to look how you love my

body that i'm building the whole point in the transition yeah exactly so it cost me ten thousand bound yeah um yeah but there isn't i get it there isn't a price on still being here and if you're gonna do it do it the best yeah yeah so i went to a surgeon who knew the importance of of putting the scars underneath my muscles and aesthetic and all that on you know so they saved your nipples so what they do is they they take your nipples off cut them down and then sew them back on in the right place so it's like a breast uplift but they're taking the tissue out so you're basically taking the breast out and then pulling your skin down it's like yeah like an uplift is it more of Gygantamastia though.

Gynacomastia. No, Gygantamastia where they're taking nipples off. So they pull it down. Oh my gosh, that's such a good job. So that's still new.

I only had it done in January. What scar cream are you using? So, well, I was using Bio Oil. Oh no! But it was leaving me with loads of spots.

I'm going to send you the best one in the place. You can't have all this done and then not use the best stuff. Jax, give me your address. I will give you this scar cream. I will show you before and after pictures.

Unreal. Yeah, I agree. And we can needle them as well when you're at that stage. needle them but that looks stunning yeah so i had that done in january did you have big boobs um like see so fairly has that made you feel a lot better so that changed my life like people don't realize that that is life-saving surgery yeah because before i was like conscious it put me in a very vulnerable position yeah because you're like crushing your own ribs by taping

them down and they do get covered in blisters from the tape like i was like pushing my boobs like with tape so i was like my back was covered in blisters and then if i was ever in a situation where like i don't know if my shirt was ripped in work i was just you're embarrassed yeah yeah okay um so so i've had top surgery and then what more surgeries what more so i don't know what others have you got planned so basically for for trans men the the bottom surgery aspect of it for me it's just not where it needs to be it's it takes about four surgeries from your arm they take a massive skin graft from either your arm or your leg so like you have to learn how to use your hand again yeah and it's like little bits of surgeries so loads of recovery and anesthetic

and then it's not always doesn't always work and you could lose all feeling and you could do all these things so i was just like that's not my priority like i just want to live my life now so are you thinking i'm gonna wait potentially until things are a bit more advanced before i start looking at that if if it was more advanced i'd look into things are advancing i've got a very good prosthetic something that's right something that i don't understand which is what i'm going to ask you about now and this is me i've got a funny story about that this is me not having gone through what you've gone through to me and this is again it'll be all wrong what i say but my genitals are what makes me male or female and i think that is the wrong thing but

that's i don't know any different so if if you're not planning to change that how do you still feel like you are who you're meant to be so i mean i would change it because it is a big thing for me i am i do get insecure about yeah that's um but i'm not gonna put myself through years of putting my life on hold for that plus like i said i've got a very expensive good tell me what is this what is this i'll tell you in a minute okay but basically um that is what we're trying to banish so it's not about what's between your legs and that's what i think because that's because i don't understand that makes a man or a woman so um for example if you lined up uh 20 straight women yeah right who and not and through no fault of their own you know it's not impacted their life

they don't know enough about it if you said to all of them would you be with a trans man 90 90 percent of them would say no just because instantly in their head they're going they think of genitalia and they go no i couldn't i couldn't do that it's like a natural reaction but then they wouldn't know how to work you're funny even better because i don't know this so over the last two years and this is what i thought and this is why i want to talk about this because because i felt like a freak like when i first come out i felt like a freak who no one would ever want to be with again no one would ever want to sleep with me again i just felt like a hot like awful and um through my experience over the last two years what women have said to me who i've had you know

dated or experienced or whatever um it's perfect it's about the presence so if you are attracted to um my presence as a man do i do i present as a male yes you know does my energy present as a do i make you feel like a woman i've been flirting a little bit because i flirt with men it's just it's natural i flirt with every man yeah i can't help it and i have which made me think earlier it's about energy it's about energy yeah and even before i had top surgery and everything i was really conscious i was sleeping with these women and i was like like yeah i was into girl and they were like no i don't care like it's your like you you make me feel like a woman and that's who i am that turns someone on and that has been like revolutionary for me because you know to realize

that yeah and i want to to sort of put out there like it don't don't judge it because it's about being around that person and if you feel that energy and you feel that sexual it really does go out the window so we're going to have a really quick break um but then we're going to be back because there's a lot more we've got slutty susan and now we've done all the like crying bits i want to talk about the naughty bits so we're going to do a little bit of slutty susan with jacks afterwards we are back we've got jack's here still um hi jack we could be here all day but we've got a schedule slutty season slutty season okay is everyone ready for this i'm gonna tell you um uh slutty susan confessional i'm gonna sing my song but i've forgotten it

confess your sins right so jack's basically slutty susan is where our listeners sending like confessionals of slutty shit that they've done and we are here for it okay so i'm not saying this person's name because yeah i had a plug-in vibrator that i took on holiday with me plug in where okay i had a plug-in vibrator that i took on holiday with me when i was on the plane flying to mexico i thought because it's in my hand luggage and it's got a usb connector you can listen to music while you're vibrating i would plug it into my seat you could hear the vibration two rows in front of me but I needed some more pleasure

before we landed. What? Oh my God. This person took the vibrator on the plane to... No, it wasn't just a vibrator. It was vibrating anal beads and he put them up his arse on the plane to Mexico. How long for?

He's not said, but I love that. Go for it, pal. Yeah, go for it. Well, if anywhere you're going to have a wank, it will be unlike a 12-hour flight. Yeah, you're boring. You're boring. You're going to get a bit aggy.

I've masturbated on a plane before in the toilets. Have you? I've masturbated in some really funny places. In the toilets? Quick one, yeah. Did you not just do it under the blanket? Under the blanket, you fucking freak. No.

You can get done for that shit. Hang on a minute. Touch your boyfriend or touch yourself? Myself. I mean, whenever floats your boat, you're having a good time. You're on holiday. You're on your holidays. You're on your holidays.

I'd add me wine. I was on my holidays. I've given someone a blowjob on a train before. What? And not even in the toilet You filthy cow Under a coat I'm going to have to tell my mum

To not listen to this Yeah no your mum cannot My mum doesn't listen to this Sorry mum Sorry mum I'm sorry to whatever train that was as well So I know that Jax has got a story About a prosthetic

Penis Can you tell me really quickly How that works So basically They're very expensive It cost me like 600 quid Fucking hell But it's so realistic

Worth it Yeah, it's so realistic. Did you know what kind of dick you wanted? It's always hard. No, genuinely though, you can go pick skin colour, whether you want hair. Tell us what dick you picked. Cut or not, you know, all these things, right?

So, I'll show you a picture later. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So, honestly, one of my mates was around my house once and I was showing him it and he's a gay man. I turned around, he had it in his mouth. He was like, yeah, I'll just be you. Just be you to see whether it balanced. What are your three dick non-negotiables?

Yeah, what did you have to have in your dick? Let's go round the table, yours. If I was picking my own penis Or if I was getting the penis I'm going to show you Circumcised No not circumcised Between 6 to 7 and a half inches

Do you mean this is the penis you would own Or the penis you are going to receive Anything It's all about the big dick energy though And like decent sized balls So it's got realistic balls as well Are they like jiggly wiggly So it's really realistic

So it cost me 600 quid anyway if I tell you the story right so my dog broke up stairs when I'd gone out right and obviously

I'd had it with me and it was in a bag so I hadn't like put it away in a drawer or whatever and I literally came home and the house was like

in a shit state because she'd got anxious or whatever and she'd ate my fucking dick I can imagine you like you ate my fucking dick mate I was fuming I was like

shit how long does it take to get your dick back as well she was literally shitting prosthetic for weeks I was like my mum was like she's done a lot of poos today

and I was like oh I don't know what it is I thought I bet there's a fucking testicle in my mum's garden I was like so I only had to buy another one so I'm like a grand down

in penises mate wait did you buy the same dick or a new one I bought I had to buy I bought a new one no did you pick a different dick no I bought the same one

I bought the same one I bought the same one I've got good feedback I was going to say you've got to get used to your dick so do you wear your dick as a strap on

no so I like I'll either use like Like, just tape. So it's got, like, a front bit. It's got, like, a front bit there. Yeah. So I'll either tape it or I'll do it with, like, medical adhesive. Oh, stupid.

So basically, you can't even... It's fully stuck. Yes, there'll be, like, a patch. There's a patch there. Yeah, and it's stuck. And then it's just stuck. So with the pubic hair... Well, mine's not got hair on it.

Oh, has it not? No. Oh, I like a bit of pubic hair. No? I find the friction's really uncomfortable. Yeah. So I'm not going to ask you because it's your penis and you don't have to tell us that,

but did you go for a big one? it's about six and a half yeah that's like that's what nice yeah nice size mine it's obviously like always hard so i've got another one if i'll just pack this is what i was gonna say so if i feel uncomfortable in somewhere or i want to because i don't do it a lot to be honest because i don't feel like i have to i think it's the energy i like that it's like it's the energy for me whereas if i'm say if i was doing a photo shoot and it was in underwear and you want to get that so there's just like i've got so i've got a flaccid one for and that's just for the asset it looks you've got yeah just for if i was in underwear but yeah of course then you want your

hard one yeah yeah okay i like that um i would can i just tell you i would prefer mine to be not come on it's really not negotiable yeah yeah i'm gonna have to see this um so not circumcised i need something to roll back okay i can't i don't want it to be too sensitive i'd be causing the skin moves on everything though like you can move the skin yeah i like the movement so there's that um size wise uh again six to six to eight eight big six and a half seven

seven fairly girthy not a pencil not a pencil right so we can imagine yours what are your

three non-negotiables so I didn't want her on it yeah because I'm just not a fan anyway no it was circumcised

yeah and I just wanted the skin to match mine skin tone skin colour but funnily enough I find that penises are often

darker yeah it is and as you get older do your dick get darker but honestly I'll show you the website as you get older you can't keep

a young dick it'll get eaten again I'll be an 80 year old man with a young dick like what else do you want I know what it's like when you're going through your period

and I've got a very good penis like yeah actually that's the perfect fucking person that when you're in singing oh babe I've been there I get ya

and then they can also give you right good dicking yeah and that's brilliant you wanna get together so many of my friends now are like I would 100% date a trans man now

just through meeting someone and knowing me or whatever I feel well different about it now guys we are going to have to cut it there because we have

talked way too much hopefully we can fit all of this in because we have had like literally the best time with you Jax thank you so much Lucas is laughing

because we've just said we're going to have to cut it there because it's all we can fit in that's because he's getting excited about them for a second

I have to say thank you Jax thank you so much much that was amazing so helped i really want like really helpful and i think that will have helped we need to get you on again i want to get i've got there's more i've got yeah you're gonna have to listen to some of the other ones i've done like yeah i was there's just so much so thank you um obviously if you want to am i right in saying if someone's going through something similar jacks they can perhaps reach out to you what's your instagram jacks ride a feely instagram jacks

ride a feely instagram we're gonna tag it and tiktok feely jackson okay so go on there we'll share a picture of us three on the pod page with no prosthetic penis on it just us it'll be on Lauren's head yeah it'll be on my head

but thank you so much and remember if you want to get in touch with us because I feel like a lot of people are going to get in touch after this

then you can email us hello at niptuckpod.com you can contact us via whatsapp voice notes you know how to contact us you can head over

to this episode's description if you want to know more info but we're going to be back with a bonus baby on Friday and that's about

You guys, all your stories, your ics, your dilemma of the weeks. Yeah, so thank you. I hope you enjoyed that. I really, really did. And we'll see you on Friday, guys.