Nip Tuck - Halloween Horror Hookup

Episode Date: November 1, 2023

Ashley's taken her daughter to London for her birthday where she insisted on seeing Buckingham Palace and shopping in Harrods.... (Clearly no paternity test needed).  Lauren explains how she definitely doesn't get jealous when her fella gets female attention and in true Halloween horror, we hear how one Slutty Sue got ploughed as a pumpkin and the freight of her life!To sign up for Patreon for full video episodes every week and more exclusive content, click this link: https://patreon.com/niptuckpodTo get involved with the show, you can send us a DM on Instagram and TikTok, find us @niptuckpod.Or you can email [e-mail] can also send us your beauty questions, dilemma's and Slutty Susan confessionals via WhatsApp! You can text or voice note the girls on [phone] Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

hi guys hello hello and welcome to nip tuck not giving a fuck this is the podcast where we celebrate don't you burn my diet coke i know i just looked here like i thought you were gonna um well we celebrate being positive aspirational men and women and this is all about being unapologetically yourself and allowing others to be the same yeah i mean even if they're being twats yeah so on niptuck we want you to get your voice heard you can email us at hello at niptuckpod.com you can get in touch via whatsapp so you can send over your voice notes your stories your ics your bits your bobs everything it's always anonymous please just head over to this episode's description for more info on that we want to know everything about you

you guys make the show so please tell us what you're thinking yes get in touch because basically we don't give a fuck now you might think there's an odd noise in the background you might not hear at all at all but something's going on outside this building it's lucas using using his microphone um something's going on we can hear it i don't know if you guys are going to hear it but i know that there might be some there's some good looking builders out there today so we'll walk around that way uh you might not hear it but if you do soz about that right ashley let's go straight in no that's so bad it's so bad okay right so let's just talk really loud and hope it drowns it out right i want to know about london so you went to london this weekend yes um not at the weekend

was it not the weekend no so i don't know oh my god i'm on week two of half term i'm on week one today's the first day why do private schools get like double holidays and you pay because you're all rich and stupid so they're like okay let's give them another holiday if anyone knows the answer to that please can they tell us is it on all of them though because james's boys aren't private school and they've got two weeks off and i think what they do some schools they give you an extra week when everyone else isn't off so you can go on holiday not in term time i know fear school does it next year in may she will have two weeks when everyone has one so i don't know if it's got something to do with that that's no that's really good um but yeah

no it's all of the holidays are like like she finishes for christmas on like the 11th of may fear doesn't finish until the 22nd i'm fuming i want that i wanted that week do you know to do christmasy stuff like that's my probably favorite week of christmas is that like it is isn't it and not actually christmas day but when you're doing all the cute bits i've managed to book father christmas again have you got him a really good one i've got a picture of him amazing i'll show you so you've got a good one so i went to london um it's saskia's birthday in november it's nithya's birthday isn't it and um obviously i'm getting into that heavily pregnant stage and i'm 32 yeah yeah you are looking quite bumpy today yeah um and things are getting harder to say

though you're not as big as i would you're not and can i say you're gonna find this quite offensive but i'm gonna say it anyway i feel like your bumps gone wider yeah you're wider this time not forward with boys you're up and high and out and with girls you're just a big i feel like you've gone more to retention wide thing you've your bumps definitely grown yeah and it's not shown as quick as i thought you're not as big as on a third i would expect i thought you'd be a lot bigger thank god like i was big at this point i think you look good still thank you well anyway so I said to her what do you want

for your birthday and apart from twin babies oh they're horrible oh that's I need to tell you about that I need to tell you

about that so apart from twin babies she wanted to go to Buckingham Palace oh god bless her why are they

obsessed with the queen Thea's not asked it's because the queen is dead no but it's because the queen and I've got

loads of other friends that kids are the same age as Saskia they're obsessed with the queen because they learn all about the queen

dying at nursery and they watched the funeral i mean thea just like played with with like wooden things so she knows all about like when we we didn't go to fucking palace we pretended to her that we drove past it it was definitely hotel oh my god did you not go and stand outside you're so mean um and do you not think it's um it's definitely because of like disney and royals and princesses and stuff. Yeah, maybe. Yeah, so they're obsessed with like queens and princesses.

Yeah, you could be right. Thea doesn't watch this film. And she was like, the flag isn't in the right position for the king to be in. I bet you were thinking, yeah, because that's because it's the Corinthian

and the fucking queen doesn't live there. But she was saying all this stuff. I was like, oh my God. So she loved it. But the main bit that she loved was Harrods. So we spent like...

Of course, of course she did. She did. But do you know how much smaller they've made the toy bit? Really? Like it was only like three rooms of toys oh because it used to be like amazing way smaller do you think it's because people are online shopping a lot i do i do i really do which is sad because like toy shops

when you were younger do you remember toys r us yes oh my god and they used to have like the demonstrations yeah and it was like going to disneyland i saw a quote thing about like about when we were younger yeah and i did think you know it was bloody good the argos catalog and you would x what you want to go and get an argos like all that kind of thing it was amazing and now i really don't think it is the same no no we didn't go to hamley's um we just the time went like that yeah honestly by the time you've got there and then she was really tired so we went back to hotel and got some room service um we went in the harrods pizza where did you stay just at the mayfair nice you can't go wrong it's right in the middle right and it's opposite that

sainsbury's which is so handy when you've got kids because they always need stuff yeah so then we came home the next day but she had a lovely time but it's jesus was she not a bit of life is expensive yeah that's the other thing like we were talking about this the problem with kids is in your mind that you plan this and i've done it so many times you plan this like amazing thing for them and they're going to be like this and then we're going to hold hands and we're going to yeah yeah yeah and then if they're in a mood on that day yeah and then you're in a mood and then it all goes to stop doing that stop doing that and i think oh why do i have stopped now and then i was like oh my god i spent so much money did you spend a lot while you were there so i um she said

she wanted a dress for a birthday so i said to her what like do you like and to be fair the outfit that she picked is adorable but it was expensive where did where from from harrods um she got a self-portrait outfit have you seen the kids ones no oh my god i can't afford the adults no it's like clueless vibes so it's a little um cardigan with crystals blue and white like chanel yeah and then a mini skirt she's just so different honestly it looks so cute and she was like Trying it on in the mirror. Isn't it so funny how, like, your kids become what you are like? Yeah.

Because Thea would just not be interested in a dress. No, really. Oh, no, like, when she goes out, she has to wear a dress. She's not really interested. She puts makeup on. No, she's not interested. She packs her handbag. Really?

Yeah. That must be from you. Must be. Whereas Thea is, she's honestly really not that bothered. She doesn't ever say, can you put me any makeup on? She doesn't even speak about makeup. and i think because james's boys are very influential she she's just not like she's not that she never has been and all i can put it down to is that i'm not really like that i don't know

it's weird isn't it yeah so you came back and then felt sick at how much you'd spent yeah so came back and then i've just really like rested all weekend this end bit of pregnancy really takes it out of you like you don't realize how much you you actually need to be resting at the end just like i can have a nap if i close my eyes yeah i feel like that and there was fucking good tv on this weekend did you watch colleen yeah of course you did yeah i watched all three episodes i never i fall asleep right i fall asleep at the drop of a hat me and ed were like i was i was awake and i watched all three James fell asleep and I continued on my own and I never do that um I was just literally like fascinating yeah what a clever woman what a woman and the way that she like

sat on it for such a long time she held herself how much of a nice person does she seem like really genuinely did you cry when she was talking about her sister yes I did and I don't yeah um James said he couldn't watch that bit I yeah it was just what I love and a mum and dad seems yeah do you know and i quite enjoy a lot of the critics the critics weren't that nice about it you know how no they weren't and a lot of them were saying it was meant to be about the you know the wagatha christie but a lot of it was about colleen and wayne as kids and they were basically saying no one's interested in a tour of wayne's trophy room i was i was but that's what they were saying they were saying what has this got to do that and they said that they felt like it was just

all about look at wayne that's what that's what they said um and i read that before i watched it because I Googled it to check where I could see it. Right, what did we think about? We don't like to be mean, but what a bitch. The way her and her mate talked, I didn't like it. Have you ever had a conversation like that? No. I've not.

No. And it makes girls look bad. I think all I could say when I watched that from that side of it is that she screamed unhappy. Yeah. Unhappy desperation is what I got from it. bored and unhappy and i just you could call up yeah in the whole thing and i think the thing is she was selling the stories so it seems but she was selling them so that she got it looked like

good press herself so i think it was more than just throwing colleen under the bus i think it was about her unhealthy obsession with becoming somebody yeah and that to me is a very unhappy person you've got the money you've got the fame you're married to jamie vardy like just enjoy that mate you don't do you want to be on the front page of the sun why it's shit anyway like do you want to is that what you want to be clearly i don't know i just think you are rich and you are doing well stay at home does off that time probably because the pricks yeah yeah like just stay at home and just do stuff at home with your kids in your mansion don't be pissing about on the sun i think now like with having your own platform like your own youtube your own instagram

you can then you can be self-made you can and like how we've got the pod like and we literally are just ourselves like you can just i feel like that kind of level of fame like you you're just a picture of yourself if she wanted to be somebody right and be famous like you say she could have started a youtube she could have started working she's got a lot of followers she could have started working with brands on instagram if she wanted that fame there are ways to go about it without throwing another woman under the bus yeah that's what it was it was to get me here i'm gonna And that's the problem in society that women often do to each other.

And instead of just trying to do well themselves, they're jealous of anyone else and they throw other women under the bus. The bit that I really didn't like was the, have you unfollowed me on Instagram, hun? Like, do you know what? If somebody unfollowed me on Instagram, the last thing I, on my deathbed,

I am not, well, I wouldn't notice, but if I did on my deathbed before I messaged them and acknowledged that they've unfollowed me, absolutely not. That was wild, wasn't it? it was clear why she'd done it she's so invested that she knows i would never know this and i would never i wouldn't even unfollow you for i would just well okay i would never let you know i've got loads of people that have unfollowed me when i've had tiffs with them and i still follow them

and like their post passive aggressively i would i would still you are never gonna know that i've even noticed i'm not petty no i'm gonna continue yeah i'm gonna continue and i'll comment on your birthday happy birthday take that um do you know what it's just it's it's very hard work being nasty it's hard it's more it's tiring it's oh i've been nasty this week though oh why i've been a bitch this you've you've not like we're not talking about private stuff on here in depth when it comes to kids and stuff yeah but that's all we'll say and lauren's had a really really hard i've had a tough fucking week and i think it's good to discuss because and she never gets emotional and she can't please don't play those voice notes i was vice you was when you're

in london i was vice no i don't know what day it is anymore i was voice noting ashley crying i actually like how you come to me for advice i know and i was literally crying on voice notes when i was like you know you wouldn't used to no um so yeah i was crying and i think it's just good to throw out there like fun and games we all have a great time but and we talk about so much on here but there is a certain element that we will not discuss and and it's just to protect the children and also because other people if we told you absolutely everything i would i'm an open book as you i'd say it all we'd get in massive but there's other people involved and it's not their choice to have their yeah life put on instagram on on here so i mean ed and james though like

they're in it they they've they've they're in it but other any further that it's not it's not on us to do that to other people but i have had a really stressful week and i've been a bitch do you know just had no i've had a very short temper and do you want no well i had to have the morning after pill oh my god that's a hot i can't believe you've had to do that i've not done that for many i know so basically um i did you do an ovulation test no it's my you took it it's completely my fault um and again these things do happen i'm on natural cycles i've been using it for years now two years maybe never had a problem um and there was a small mistake in the bedroom is all i can put it down to you on a green day i was on yeah it was probably roughly the week i was ovulating so there was a

mistake in the bedroom i mean if you want to know the details i was on top and it's actually it's actually really hard to jump off when you're on top the pull out yeah it just just anyway it take me 10 years by the time you got off you're already in your period again it took me ages to get off i didn't get off in time and it was one of those things it didn't go to plan and and when when i went to the pharmacy i was like hi i've um i've had an accident um i actually because i was in a foul mood i actually texted james and said your your lack of control has cost me 30 pounds you owe it me isn't it stupid how we have to pay for all these and you know what really annoyed me that as a woman it wasn't james to be fair he did help but it wasn't james's issue about

the morning after bill that was on me to sort out you know can't you get them online now yeah so this is what happened i went to order it online because i thought i can't from is it super drug there's loads absolutely loads but it told me it'd be there next day and then it's still in review with the pharmacist

so it got to yesterday I'm on my last three days and I'm thinking fuck so I had to go into Asda and say hi I've had a little accident and she said when did you last

have intercourse so what we did when I realised I was going to take it anyway that just fucked it then I just carried on having unprotected sex because I was going

to take the morning after pill Lauren you shouldn't be condoning no I'm not I'm not I'm just saying I did take the morning

after pill it is there to be taken when we need to it does nothing wrong with it i don't take it all the time it fucks your cycle up and i'm pissed off now that i'm gonna ruin my cycle but i had to take it i i've taken it before it makes you feel like honestly you need to like lie in bed like your stomach it gives you diarrhea yes i'm just not clicking um and it then broke my skin out really bad meanwhile a week later james will just carry

on as normal but that is what it is so yeah it's been a bit of a funny week for me but we're coming out the other side of it now um i had to go to an event on friday i saw so we've not spoken about any of this stuff because i wanted to ask and were you the oldest person there absolutely what honestly whenever me and lauren go to any of these influencer events like we are and i still in my head don't think i'm that old but we are um we're the oldest because they're like and they're stunning the girls slim they're tiny and they're stunning and they've got all this energy and tight And that's all they're doing all week, going to an event. And I, meanwhile, was coming home to try,

and James was putting the kids to bed, and yet I sat there checking my phone, has Theo gone to sleep yet? No, I went to an event. It was StyleLink Boohoo. I get on with the StyleLink team. I hadn't met them yet. They were discussing potential podcast options.

So what is StyleLink? So StyleLink is when you, let's not put that in. I don't do any of these things. What? Because then I'm just telling everyone that they pay for clicks and stuff. It's not. Yeah, but they know that.

I know, but it's just a joke. No. So I work with styling and they were doing an event with Boohoo and I hadn't met anyone from the team. So I needed to go and they want to do podcast stuff as well. So anyway, I had to go to this event really. I wanted to meet someone. Who else did you know that was there?

Nobody other than Sam's girlfriend, Olivia. She's so pretty. So pretty. So yeah, I went and it was really good to meet the team and that kind of thing, but I did think I am old. And all I was thinking about was like getting back and they're all going out after, I just wanted to go home and get in bed with the kids.

I just, I'm too old. I won't be doing any more events. we've been invited to a lot of christmas events christmas no we've got i'd like to do the mars the label one we've been invited to that but i don't think i can do that night why i don't think i've got babysitter options i've got all the kids i think um yeah so i'd like to do the mars one because for the first time ever i got um one of their sweatshirts and i wore it all weekend i wore it this i wore it three days in a row yeah it's really thick quality it's actually really the one The one that I got, it's got like boucle.

Mars in boucle. Yeah. I've got that one. Like the blue, kind of like a, I don't know what colour you would describe it. Greige. Greige. Not greige. Greige.

Yeah. It's like grey. Black, grey. No, it's just blue. It's like navy. Yeah. Anyway, we both wore it and the quality's, I'll be honest, better than I expected. It's better than the other brand that we used to wear.

Oh, better than the other brand. Were you thinking that? And I was thinking it's thicker and better quality than the other brand that everyone wears. That everyone wears. That doesn't wash well. Washes horrendously. We used to talk about it on here

and me and you used to wear it all the time. Because I like the style. I like the design. Yeah, I've not bought anything from the other brand for a long time because I bought the jumper with the three letters on it. Yeah. Wow.

Horrendous. Washed absolutely horrendous. Well, there you go. And on TikTok, loads of other girls are saying the same thing. well mars also sent me they probably didn't send a u because of your state current state but they sent me i'm like a leather two-piece oh my god how sexy is some of the stuff short leather skirt and then it's like some of the stuff i wouldn't wear because for me it's too sexy some of it isn't

though some of it is stunning yeah yeah um let's try and go to their event then shall we and usually i get invited to a lot of events over christmas from like look fantastic i didn't get invited last year but i would like to go but we've not been invited so far they usually do a really big one and ghd usually do one that's really good as well maybe we're not gonna get on the list because we are actually in the older category now like we're in the older category and x factor of influencers maybe we need to start doing a lot more m&s stuff oh my god did you see olivia atwood was wearing an m&s uh cashmere jumper after i said and she looked stunning she was doing a video about that wedding app i've seen the wedding app i'm on that yeah um and she had this gorgeous blue

cardigan on and she just oh she's so beautiful she had that on and um loads of people messaged like where's it from m&s m&s well i ordered the leggings after saying why is everyone going on about leggings it's just i've ordered them i haven't got them yet but i've also right like a straight leg leather um that was on m&s it's just like a straight leg leather pant and i just thought that could mix it up with trainers and like a hoodie could look quite cool so i've signed up for the cashmere jumper in the oatmeal color oh oatmeal um screams money it's out of stock at the minute but can i just show you these as well these are the leather look um oh they're nice crazy yoga leggings oh i was looking at the shoe oh they're my chanel shoes so they're not gucci

i didn't see i only saw them from the side and they remind me of the gucci loaf you know the Gucci let's put them up let me see ah Chanel nice I didn't see that bit um they're actually really really comfy Ed wouldn't be seen dead with me walking around with them on they're not sexy they're not sexy no no anyway let's move on right we're gonna take a break and then we're gonna be back with bargain bucket and slutty sues but first are you a loyal listener of nip tug do you set an alarm on a Wednesday and a Friday are we part of your like routine did you just do that i'm having a break just have a kit kat not kit kat what they call diet where's the man lukey he's there he's fucking there um anyway how sexist was that advert by

the way yeah do you know when james went into in the summer he went into a local and the women said to him oh it's like the diet diet coke break when he walked in i was like what fucking shot was it i'll send a piece of shit through the fucking letterbox anyway sometimes when he tells me stuff he doesn't say much he'll say oh i got fully checked out there i'll go really good um anyway are you a loyal listener listen to us tell your nearest dearest spread us everywhere like a piece of lure pack on a piece of bread oh i've eaten so much bread go on whatsapp share the episode on whatsapp that's what's very helpful right guys so welcome back baby and we have got our doopie dupes section so it's not just dupes

it's bargains it's hacks it's tips just everything isn't it i don't really know what it is we don't well you know what it is if you're a loyal listener so basically i will start with mine and then you and then you do a little bit because lauren has started bringing to the table i will bring things now and again i'm more i'm i'm trying i'm trying i mean as you know it's not my like whatever the word is but i i tend to just 40 it's not my 40 i bring the the gross you bring the um high street things yes i do right so right i'm just i'm getting my phone out so i can show you these websites now because do you know what i've just thought of something that i'm meant to say and didn't what um the foundation i'm wearing oh it looks i said when i said and i've just realized

what i've done different okay so i've got on my skin and i do sometimes use this it's a mixture of it cosmetics cc cream and it's got an spf in that it's this one it's a squirty one yeah yeah it's got spf in so it's basically it cosmetics your skin but better cc cream oh am i shouting yeah um sorry guys um and i've mixed i got excited and i've mixed that with um armani luminous silver well you can't beat it um it's given me it's quite a lot of coverage for cc so it's nice and it's actually good so have you got the double-ended it pardon brush no how do double-ended dildos work for lesbians but like so i put it in mine and then you put it in yours But we would have to have a,

I think you would have to have a slight bend in it. And then I push. And then you would, and I would push. And we would both push and pull. Anyway, back to Dupes. Oh. So Cult Beauty have got a really good thing, whereby, because we need to remember,

like, not everyone celebrates Christmas. Good point. But just use the discounts anyway, then. Yeah, yeah, exactly. Just for general life. But they've done these beauty edits, and there's a men's one, which is really good. so it's worth over 180 quid and it's 38 quid what how good is that that's good for men to get a

start to get a start and then there's this one on here that really appealed to me this one the luxury edit by cult beauty is worth over 670 pounds okay and it's 88 quid fuck off i'm being serious then they've got like um little drunk elephant bits oh love that um all sorts so have a look at the cult beauty edits they're really good little gifts girls and i do think that especially that one there that i've just said will sell out and for a man like like it is a good start it's got some supplements it's got a moisturizer a face wash a serum it's got all kinds of bits in there now i love and i don't know if you've ever smelt it before lauren the byredo how do you say it byredo byredo byredo i think it's byredo right the byredo stuff smells like

heavy like we need to check what it's called yes i do my friend wears one of them can't which one is no doesn't sound i can't think what the name is water might be that and it goes oh la la so there's um the vetiver suede gypsy water and majav ghost are the nice main ones i just love the branding i love the packaging simplicity stunning and i've got those hand washes in my house but those hand washes are 44 pounds each and my kids so i was like i can't keep because ed was like what that i went in space nk um and i bought two hand washes and he was like no that's not normal like no so we all need bringing back down to her a hundred percent me especially so i went online and there's this website called element brooklyn

okay and they do it's like um a plastic you know big squirty thing like a refill of joe malone by rito you mean they do the actual they do a dupe of a dupe of yep and supposedly the listen it's hand wash and it's 19 pounds for two refills wow yeah you don't need it to last all day it's a fucking hand wash as long as it looks nice in the packaging it smells the so once you bought one one then basically it's a tenner to refill it not 44 quid listen there is no way that you can't admit that everybody has a joe malone hand wash that doesn't have joe malone in it anymore a hundred percent you're running to aldi and you're getting the mandarin orange and refilling and you are refilling it and we would all be lying if we said that every product

still has the original joe malone in there because you know when it runs out you are taking the top off you are shoving loads of cheap stuff in and you are closing their sales like since that's happened must be down honestly everybody is doing that if you've got even the genuine joe malone still in your joe malone hand wash you're doing it wrong you're rich yeah or you're doing it right who knows i do it with the asop ones as well we listen it's i honestly think that that is a thing absolutely and refills everything well yes on that website they had the candle refills so what it said is once your jm or your whatever candle has done then you put it in the dishwasher get it out no it comes out in the dishwasher and then you put this new one in and spend more money on things like

makeup yeah or wine or expensive toilet roll or caviar anyway um another one five pounds off beauty and john lewis if you take five empty cosmetic items in but you have to have bought them from john lewis no what i never have any empty ones i always bin them before they get i know but do you remember when mac used to do that they don't do it anymore i don't think so know um h&m do you know the h&m one yeah what what is it you're taking a bag full of clothes a bag full of fabric so it can be like old bedding towels old bedding is a bag in itself yeah and you get a five pound voucher from h&m how good is that it is good and we should do more of that really good um okay so i have been rushing around in the morning recently because it is now dark

like how much does that impact impact your mood your mood and your time in the morning i love like today i don't know now because we're in the studio but it was like a crisp sunny cold day that's fine for me but it's when it's dark yeah it's it's entering that phase and usually i'm up at like 5 00 a.m when it's sunny outside making my celery juice doing this doing that but recently like i want that extra time in bed and i have discovered my friend sent it me marks and spencer do a green juice right it's literally clean like it's got um i think it's got spinach kale celery and avocado or something all the greens yeah they come frozen in a little packet and all you do is put it in your nutribullet done and that's it you finished that's it oh that's easy because who really how

good is that are you still doing your salary at this time of year in this kind of cold no and then um packed p-a-c-k-d they do smoothie mixes and they've got like um pineapple pieces organic right because you can from aldi buy like smoothie mixes but i just don't i've never looked at the ingredients no you can actually can't you they've got like berries and stuff like that because i used to in the summer i would do them now and again when i once could be honest i can't believe you ever did that it was when i had one child not four right lauren this website you're gonna be obsessed okay okay get your phone go on it now my coffee actually it's called this is beauty um so there's two websites really while you're looking that up i'll tell you about another

one one is called foundation.com have you ever used it no so you know when you've seen a foundation that you want heard of this yeah and you can't get in store to try it well you go on foundation and you type in what you are in other brands it'll tell you what you are in the other brand how good right back to this is beauty may obsessed so basically what it is it's imperfect boxes so the cosmetics are fully sealed but the boxes may have been squashed in transit there's skin suiticles there is sunday riley everything and it's all discounted oh and it just says things like missing box box damaged imperfect box oh they've got pixie oh really good really good anyway enough of our chatting bowls here we go for slutty sure now we did ask for halloween-esque

slutty sues because there's always weird ones isn't there so we've got one it's quite a long one have you got the attention span to read it or yeah do you want me to yeah yeah okay girls on this note keep your slutty seasons going oh please please we love them hi girls love the pod and when you asked for stories of halloween slutty sues it unlocked a memory that i had deeply hidden away we all have them when i was about 20 when i was about 20 i went on a halloween girls night out to a city i'd not been to before oh can you imagine how wild fresh cock love that with some friends and i was well into my slutty phase but didn't fancy wearing a slutty outfit and instead i wore an inflatable pumpkin that's

not giving off the vibe that you want to shag it was in an attempt to make sure that i didn't shag someone it's like when you don't shave your fanny on purpose because you think i won't sleep with someone if i've got and then you do and then you wake up in the morning and not only have you slept with somebody random but you've also done it with a hairy fanny yeah that is such a thing it's such a thing kind of like the no shave rule this is our girl this is our girl but spooky lol anyway i fucking field and i ended up pulling quite a fit guy somehow she must have a pretty face yeah he was still living at home but didn't tell me until i was on his doorstep he told me to wait outside while he checked his mum was asleep anyway she was and he let me in but said we couldn't go in

his room in case she woke up so he got a blanket and we like a dog and we shagged on the sofa her i must have been pretty drunk as we both didn't hear his mum come downstairs and she was watching us in the corner of the lounge i have no idea how long she was there for but when he saw her he jumped up and she went mental like proper batshit crazy and not at him but at me she called me a dirty slag and told me to get out of her house along with every other word under the sun but never said anything to him tick pickle boy mum ew i jumped up trying to get dressed and she went upstairs and i told him i have no idea where i am or how to get home so he called me a cab it was going to be there in 10 minutes but it was absolutely freezing outside he said to his mum

i'll have to wait in here until the taxi comes and she said fine but she wouldn't go back to bed and she proceeded to sit with us both on the sofa and all i had to wear was my pumpkin outfit we sat in silence whilst the inflatable motor hummed in the background this was probably one of the most awful moments of my life until the next day oh my god i'm sorry but can you imagine sitting there with the mum and the boyfriend that you've just been i don't know why but they're on a night out in newcastle and the mum's a geordie what get that slag yeah and she's a scouser why am i and she's like oh i'm ashamed i'm absolutely shamed sat there with a big pumpkin outfit i imagine you just sat there

oh you'd die you'd die so carry on i was rotten i had broken up with my ex for about four months and we were in that weird bit where you still shag every now and then because you know each other and it's easy he asked me to come around the day after and i thought fuck it i may as well we were doing some foreplay oh no no no no no no no no no this isn't good we were doing some foreplay when he started to finger me and paused and said what the hell's this he kept feeling he pulled out a condom from the night before the mum must have come in and i must have jumped up quickly and taken the condom with her she must have a tight pulse after that i stopped having casual sex with people

started dating properly i bet you did please keep me anonymous as i now have a boyfriend and definitely downplayed to how many people i've attached a picture for your eyes only of the pumpkin outfit as it cracks me up oh no we need to see it luke he's gonna try and find it now babe you are you're amazing i'd say that's legendary that's one if you're me rang you in the morning it was like i bet she rang me you're not gonna believe what happened to me i made a show myself oh i love it i think she i think she is um i think she's i love it i love her keep your slutty sues coming in girls like we said you can get in touch with us hello at nipped up pod.com you can email us you can whatsapp

us you can insta us whatever and you know what this makes that story that we've just told will make somebody else feel much better about whatever they did at the weekend that was shameful and they're dying about it they'll listen to that and be like we've all done these silly silly things oh can you imagine her ex-boyfriend like pulling out a condom flicking it oh my god it would have been full at least they were caught short lou is anyway we will be back on friday with a bonus oh wait wait wait the pumpkin's coming she is pretty she's very pretty oh no she's very pretty she sat there like that with the mom in the living room the hat was the hat on just just to give you a picture of this it's got a hat as

Well, like a little pumpkin head. Oh, she looks good. Shorts are lovely. I've been Ashley Stobart. She's been Lauren Harrison. You've been listening to Nip Tuck. Goodbye. Bye.