Nip Tuck - Hot sauce contraception

Episode Date: March 16, 2022

Wow, this ep - so much is covered... including celeb relationships, 'toyboys', hot sauce and the insider details on Lauren's three engagements.Plus of course DILEMMA OF THE WEEK! If you have a dilemma, be sure to send it in on Instagram @ntngaf - all submissions remain anonymous.Don't forget to use the code NIPTUCK at macom-medical.com for 15% off your order on everything including their best-selling bra's, leggings and waist sculptors!Find us on social: @thecosmeticconsult, @laurenelizabeth_xx, @ntngaf, @macom_medical Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

hi guys and welcome to this week's episode of nip tuck and not giving a fuck oh are you okay oh well hello everyone it's me ashley and lovely lauren and we're back again this week we're gonna have a chat today about celebs and dating celebs what it's like some saucy rumors that we've heard hopefully make your wednesday better but first let me tell you about our sponsor thank you to macom who are sponsors for this episode we're obsessed with the waist sculptors they are medical grade compression so you can wear them six weeks after liposurgery but they're really good just to wear for every day for sculpting i put one of the pictures on instagram of me wearing it in my waist how tiny does it look tiny they look amazing under clothes as well

to enhance your shape but some ones that i've used in the past they roll at the top or the bottom they roll up or down but with these because of the fastenings down the middle and it's like a corset design with boning so they don't roll down they stay really firm which i think is a winner as soon as you put that on the other day it took like it was a joke inches my tits looked huge yeah but your waist looked tiny yeah did you feel like supported in it as well yeah and my posture and i keep going on about posture but my posture was so much better so you look taller and slimmer i naturally slouch and you can't with those so being a walking square at the minute i'm i'm so excited to finally have a waste so i'm gonna be getting that bad boy out six weeks after

when i've got the all clear um to make sure that i can try and salvage some salvage you will waste back but um yeah they're absolutely incredible so if you want a more defined waist and you want money off your order head over to maconmedical.com that's m-a-c-o-m and use our discount code nip tuck for 15 off your order can anybody's wednesday be made any better it's hump day though isn't it why did they call it hump day because it's halfway i thought it meant like I don't know what hump means like it's half way over the hump no

I don't know Charlie's gonna tell us producer Charlie's telling us now it's when a camel's hump is the week Wednesday is the day

I'm bored is that why the on the gif that you put on Instagram and it's Wednesday it's got a picture of a camel obvious

because I knew that like a hump what else would a hump be a camel's hump mind blowing anyway camels are dicks enjoy

today camel stink right okay have you ever been on one no yeah i have aren't you fancy in egypt all inclusive holiday don't wait when you go to egypt doesn't everyone get a dicky tummy no it's bullshit so i used to go to egypt i don't know and i'm never ever i went to goa and everyone said you're gonna get a dicky tummy and i didn't i get the shits more after chinese i worked with a girl once and she was going um to sham to sham on an all link and she was with a new fella and she literally like shat herself numerous times actual spent the whole holiday shitting on the toilet have you ever shit yourself uh twice when um once was i'm ruining my life by telling these

Like, I don't ruin my life every week. Once was actually quite real. It was, like, within the last year. What, tell us? I can't. No, actually, I constantly tell my embarrassing story. Right, okay, like, guys, this happened to me, so it could happen to any of you.

So, like... She's gone all serious. Why every week is it all right to, like, literally pull my life to pieces and laugh at me? And then you want to... I ask you if you've shat yourself and it's a big deal. okay so the first time was when i had my boobs done and i'd taken loads and loads of co what's it called codeine oh i know about that codeine yeah yeah and it yeah so then i put in all kinds

of things into my bum to try and like get it out but then i was having a nap on the bed and i woke up and i shit myself i was eating a little bit of shit okay i was like to my sister it's only a and then the time recently um i went i got invited to an opening of quite a okay i'm gonna say it off this that's a really big thing it's a big it's involved with like no i know yeah it's big that's really big for a curry that i do it was like a posh curry anyway i was actually like i looked amazing yeah luckily i had a pair of green joggers i remember what you were wearing i think yeah and then i thought it was just a warm trump yeah chat myself and then i had to text my sister

again she was with me and i was like babe i've just shit myself and she was like well what the fuck yeah and then so i had to go to the toilet did it come through to the pants around a really reputable place it starts with an s why have i just told this story i've got i only just got over it that's why that is really embarrassing i do you know i'm not a big pooer of myself so i'm not gonna take get you out of this mess with anything even funnier because i once um um no i really i did i've pooed myself like not that long ago i had really bad anxiety and i'd split up with well it was probably well i split up with someone and i was just such a mess and i just did a little fart and i'd pooed

yeah it's never been like actual big pieces of poop it's been more of a shot um i've shot it yeah yeah but i've never had like but do you want to know something and i can't say who it is i have to be really careful because this could she'll know who it's about and i'm hoping she'll see the funny side now because it was many many years ago so i got a phone call at like eight in the morning from a friend and she was whispering she was like i need you to come get me now i need you to come get me i'm at an apartment and i was like why she went i've shot the bed why yeah so were Were they having bum sex? They were having...

They'd probably had substances that would potentially loosen the gut. Like what? I don't know. A bit of Charlie. I don't know. Oh, okay. Like they'd had something

and also he was fingering her. Did you know that poppers make your bum hollow? Yeah, I had them once and fainted and passed out and rolled down the side of a queue. I didn't know. I used to take poppers

when I was younger. Same, all the time. But like, when your head would go and then you'd laugh your head off and then... And then you feel like shit the next time. Yeah, really dry and dehydrated.

Well, that's why I've got problems now. Yeah, well, during the... Your arsehole opened, widened as well. During the... Your bum hole's like... Anyway, so, yeah, and it loosened it. And they'd been having sex. He hadn't been having anal.

He had been fingering her bottom hole. And at some point during the finger coming... It's so dangerous. I'm sorry, right, but listen. You're going to touch that area. No one's ever fingered my bum. What? No.

Never? Not even a thumb? Mm-mm. right we'll talk about this another time because i've got some funny bum stories for you i've got really funny ones yeah we've started this we've started this pod and started talking about bum anyway and as he pulled the finger out poo shot everywhere and the entire sheets were covered he had to change the sheets and then he rolled over and didn't want to do it anymore he was really mean and he could he wouldn't cuddle her or anything yeah he's not gonna ever listen to

this and did he say like get out of my apartment he didn't but she knew she knew he had to change sheets there was poo they sprayed poo sprayed on the bed so then we went and got her and did she like say anything to him like oh my god yeah but and then i don't remember much more hey you poke a bum you pay the price i agree i agree you want to go there yeah well then there's a chance you're gonna get sprayed you poke a bum you play with poo that's it playing with fire aren't you the ring of fire yeah exactly but i've got next time we talk i've got don't let me forget i've got some brilliant bum stories right charlie write that down bum stories ashley tell me what's getting on your tits this week babes your big juicy veiny pregnant tits i bet your nipples are so engorged

do you remember when you said that my nipples were like anemic pig snouts they were like anemic pig snouts i'll tattoo them for you when you've had all these kids but i bet the dark you need i bet they're dark now when you're pregnant they just go okay so do you know what's been getting on my tits like and i don't like bitching about people but um these celebrities like julia fox and kanye are literally like who's julia fox so then i know well i'll go into that in a second because even though i'm like oh who are you you're irrelevant i've done lots of research on her so they're like a couple on facey b a couple of huns that just keep splitting up with people getting with new people have you seen that picture of kanye's licking the three or three

different girls like oh you'd feel so shit not on me again um but yeah it's just like why do you need to post it all over instagram i mean we've both made we've both made that mistake do you know what they've got you can change your mind on things yes you can and you can see something's embarrassing even if you did it yourself it was embarrassing when i did it i was embarrassed i was i'm embarrassed by my behavior but this is twice in succession and like why was megan fox's why was courtney kardashian's engagement film like who filmed them and then they put them on instagram but i mean that's fine too i just you're just getting irritated by them i'm irritated by the whole bunch of old bastards and i want to and they're not much older than me but i and this is

i've got something really hypocritical to say which i bang on about you know you're a mum you can still be a person you don't need to grow and i'm looking at them and thinking all of you calm down go to the kid do this fucking school run yeah yeah and calm down you are too old to behave behaving in such a passionate way towards another human being you shouldn't be kissing like that in front of everyone no you shouldn't be doing all this you're wearing matching things and you're in toilets having pictures but like julia fox like fully rates herself well should she though but then again we're being hypocritical because we say how you should support yourself and back yourself and be a boss bitch and they're like yeah but she really fancies it and do you know

what we're allowed to be hypocritical because we're not saying we're and all we're doing is a podcast about how we feel and we're not saying we're anything and sometimes we are hypocritical and that's that celebrities are weird in general like i don't mean like your everyday celebrity You mean like Bieber, like famous? Yeah, like Justin Bieber, like Leonardo DiCaprio, for example. His girlfriend is 24 and he's, how old is he, Charlie? 40. He's 47.

So what's that age difference? A lot. 23 years. Yeah. Okay, ready for the weird bit? Go. I read he started going out with her when she was 20. Has he got children?

No, never had a child that we know of. that's young that is a big age guy but he can because of who it's scott disick and another one who does that kind of shit yeah i definitely go out with scott disick you're too old to go out with scott disick by like literally a good 15 years got it i like him i think he's pretty funny no no but yeah and do you know what it's men i have got this way of going with younger women but it's not all right the other way around yeah exactly that's annoying a hundred percent agree like honestly do you know what really riles me when you're on the daily mail and you read all these articles and like you said they're always like where's her kids yeah where's her kids whereas

if it's a man and he's got like 10 kids with 10 different women does anyone mention the kids no and they never say right when it's a woman with a toy boy they say um lauren with her toy boy yeah and they say mother of three or whatever it might be mother of one and then her age yeah and they don't tend to do it with the men they don't really put the men's age but i mean they did such and such with them when i opened the paper a few months back it was like bernie eccleston has had a baby because that was a shocker 89 right what are your views i mean i don't know like i've got two my first view is it's a little bit unfair on the child that you're going to bring it into the world and you may have i don't want to put an age on paul bernie i don't want to

fucking kill him off but um i'm not gonna i feel five years five to ten years like your dad's dead i know i get that but if you're in love and you're gonna give your kid an amazing five years sorry some men aren't ready for kids till they're in the 50s there's a difference between 50s and 89 yeah do you know what i mean but again if you're in love and you're in love with the woman and the woman have they got any others or is it the only one together because if they've got others then i think that's getting a little bit just greedy i think they did have two right well i'm sorry but i feel like you know when to end it yeah but having said that i'm sure they've got such a nice family and a big fan that if he did pop his clogs everyone else would look after the

kids so i don't know i don't know how i feel each to their own on that no but then we have sex to make the baby i didn't ask him you should fucking know this sperm is the same throughout the whole life i think yeah yeah yeah or maybe their ejaculation amount goes down it goes down a bit like how fast they swim yeah stuff like that it's not like us women it's shit isn't it like we've literally got a clock on us but naomi had a baby naomi campbell at 51 wow did she have it herself i think it wasn't her egg don't quote me on this but i think from what i can remember when i read about it is it wasn't her egg but she carried it do you know what i could do that if it wasn't my egg but i carried it that would make me feel better i'd be the other way around

would you rather someone carries i've looked at surrogacy and stuff before i'd i'd rather yeah yeah ideally no ideally yes but what i'm saying is if your own egg's not the best at least if you can carry it did you enjoy being pregnant i didn't mind it but i felt like that's when i felt like she was mine do you know what i mean i would have like 10 million kids if someone else could carry them for me give me the right amount of money mate i will carry them for you i'm not lying are you being serious no i'm being serious i'll have i'm taking my gas off i will have one for you will you actually yeah because i might not have another one no you won't you're such a liar because you want your body to be perfect my body's good after one so it's fine give me the money she'll

literally be one day pregnant and she'll go i don't like it i've changed my mind i will have gone through everything i'll be pregnant i'm like um i don't want to do this anymore but you know yeah so celebrities are weird and leonardo dicaprio coming back onto this um i heard off another podcast and there's loads of articles on it by the way we have to caveat this with these are all rumors okay it's not necessarily true it might not be true but it might be there's loads of rumors about us on the internet and loads of them are true but lots of them aren't yeah lauren um so leonardo dicaprio okay let's set the scene girl goes out with him young hot 22 she ends up back at his house he she doesn't go in the main house she goes outside into like

like an outhouse kind of outhouse like igloo thing right and all it's got in there is like a bathroom and a mattress on the floor oh well you know what that's for then she knew what she was going yoga i think she had to sign an nda before she went in there a non-disclosure agreement for anyone who doesn't know and there was a bodyguard waiting like outside all the time because these celebrities do have to be careful because who knows what happens to cover the fucking bat i mean we need to talk about the hot sauce as well in a second oh my god yeah so she goes in the mattresses on the floor he spins around and he's doing what's he doing from behind just normal oh your hands were like that you've not told us they're having sex you just started doing this

he's doing it and i was like i was looking at hands like what's he doing what is he is he making bread and she's like they're making love going for it yeah then she turns around yeah and he's i'll look back at him trick a pair of big old-fashioned bows headphones and he's smoking a with his eyes closed i love that i love that i like that too no i'd rather that than a pair of airpods and she said like after that she was just like turning around like really yeah yeah yeah yeah not big dick energy or actual like headphones yeah if you're gonna do it get the fucking bows on so i'll see what are you listening to i'm gonna say classical music but she was like said like it was like he was like

meditating while oh i don't know and that's not the first girl that said that oh so it's a thing that he does yeah so i had a little look online and it seems like that could be a thing well i we don't know and then there's the hot sauce so what if you don't know the hot sauce really i'm not going to tell the full story but basically drake went to have sex with someone he cummed in a condom he put it in the bin but he also put hot sauce in it to kill the sperm in case she did what she did in case she did what she actually did do which is open the condom tip it into a vagina to get pregnant and then the hot sauce burnt her fanny off so and she's suing him and she's suing him now my thoughts your thoughts what you're thinking on right okay so men need to bear

in mind that if you put your dick in someone there is a chance that you're gonna get pregnant yeah and men bear in mind you know when you see like celebs in and they're like i've been accused of rape and you don't know the circumstance and blah blah blah right now that we're in 2022 just realize everyone these situations are happening more and more and more so next time you're getting really frisky somebody two people need to sign have a picture and have a witness before you supposedly now they do videos on their phone of the of what so they'll say to the girl are you all right are you okay with you from behind me having sex with you and the girl has to say i fully consent to having sex and they have to so sexy yeah it's no but it's so like

sad isn't it that you've got to do that there's two risks here you've got the risk of a woman trapping a man yeah so the risk of black male as well there's black male um having sex then getting pregnant yeah that's one risk and then the other risk is of of them saying it was non-consensual so some lad friends that i know they went to vegas and got a bit over excited and they invited some uh girls that they'd paid for for the evening back to their hotel room anyway but it was the cosmopolitan everything everything dirty went on in there loads of stuff went missing passports watches i like loads of stuff because i think the girls had probably drugged them as well or something yeah so then no this is a career that the girls out there have got

yeah because instead of getting paid for a shag for the night oh honey they're on to bigger better things so they must have maybe put something in their drinks i don't know they didn't kill them or anything the lads wake up the next day like oh shit oh my watch is gone yeah yeah yeah staggering around with a box of grass and then they go to ring the girls and the girls say okay guys you've got two choices we've got pictures and videos we've found your wives on social media and your girlfriends we've got your watches so we've got your passports as well you you fucked basically or you come and meet us with 10 grand cash now and you get it all back girls i don't feel sorry for the boys i don't know and that's not right that's not right because if it was a other way

around we'd be like that's disgusting oh my god have you watched that tinder tinder it was on netflix last night i don't watch telly it's this man on tinder and he conned loads of women out of like millions we wouldn't think that was funny but when it's the guy it's funny the tinder slinger or something swindler tinder sing no it was called the tinder swindler and but do you know what i know this sounds really mean i did kind of think well they're stupid enough to go do you know what like con artists like they fascinate me yeah like they're all literally professional con artists and that's like on hustlers have you watched yes i like hustlers actually well years ago that vegas concept yeah yeah yeah yeah but anyway back to celebrities and the condom thing

i personally wouldn't want to have a child for any amount of money with someone that didn't want a child i would having a did you just say that lauren i said it without thinking i didn't mean it no right okay let me see would you pour the i know i wouldn't go no i wouldn't go that far no i wouldn't go that i'll never trap anyone because listen i've been a single turkey baster in your handbag on a night out. What I'm saying is, what I'm saying is, I can understand if there was a woman

who had nothing and she had sex with someone and thought, this is my way out of here and I'd have a child that would be very well looked after. The dad wouldn't want it, but I mean,

that happens a lot. And I just think I can see why some women would do it. Would I open the condom and put it in my Mary? No. But... Lauren, that's really bad.

I wouldn't do it. I was just saying if she's really in a bad place so you can understand why i could understand why she would be desperate enough to do it having a baby like it's hard enough and i just think imagine like just not being emotionally or like some of these men like look at that tristan guys guys my husband left me with a six-week-old yeah but like some of these men like tristan thompson like he's like i will have no involvement in the child's life like he's literally said that that's so fucked up yeah and it's her choice she's she's chose to have that baby knowing that that might happen but she might

be thinking i can still give it an amazing life loads of people just have a dad or a mom so anyway now they're telling nba players and like footballers and stuff like that to not leave any condoms they have to take them well i think that do you know what i i know i know a guy that had that has been trapped by quite a lot of females and he's continued yeah i know who you mean and he's continued to be trapped we say trapped whatever you want to call it by more and more now i'm sorry but the sympathy left at number two yeah like at number two my sympathy went get it fucking chopped right or stop throwing your semen up everyone like i'm sorry i've got no sympathy and the thing is it's then it becomes unfair and it's his fucking celebrities are so weird there's

that other one um what's his name i'll think of his name and he's just announced his eighth pregnancy this week it's not nick cannon is it and the baby had just died yes and they did yeah is it he had two with different women that were pregnant so he's got oh no he's got he's got and mariah carey's ex right yeah yeah so is it nick camden i think it is yeah yeah so yes so listen to this he has got all these we think all these different women but he does actually appear to be present in the children's lives and he always seems very overjoyed when there is another one on the way so for his most recent one they did this massive gender reveal gender reveal and unfortunately his son only died a few weeks ago that was recent it was a five month old son yes

i saw that and i don't know i just i didn't like it it wasn't for you it was like right kind of like right we're on to the next type thing it was just a bit much a bit yeah yeah i understand that yeah but um yeah celebrities are weird politicians are fucking odd as well uh because they like are into that asphyxiation or something is it called so that is where you are strangled just as about but then they put like an orange in their mouth or something what like they choke themselves wow okay i know what asphyxiation is that's where like you're gonna be it's where the man's about to come and you nearly pass out at the same time

but suppose it's like a really weird a massive orgasm yeah I don't know how I know all this and what have you done this before

um no I haven't you're the gift that keeps on giving I am the gift that keeps on giving I haven't

no no no I haven't done that but I understand what it is I actually haven't done it right so yeah politicians supposedly

are really into odd stuff and that's like it's a power thing coming back to that yeah it's a power thing so we're thinking are all these celebrities in their own lizard person world yeah but like they they're on a different level to us like they get you know like if we got

normality so that our buzz we'd get a buzz over going to stay in a beautiful hotel that we've saved all year whatever yeah yeah they get that like there it's yours yeah we buzz over buying a designer jacket yeah it's there so with their levels are getting higher they can attain anything they can get any woman they can get any man yeah they can have any product they can do what they so their level of excitement is getting higher and higher and that's politicians that's wealthy people that's i think i agree with that so that's why they have to chase this high yeah and we asked like you guys what funny stories you've got about celebrities and dating and chagging celebrities and we got a few funny ones in but there wasn't any like weird ones do you know what they all

we're just footballers and i don't class i don't them in the lizard person world no footballers i would i would say are actually they're just boys they're just boys that have got too much money and don't want to be with it yet and that's like just i'm over it yeah they're everywhere yeah i'll tell you who are weird who rugby players oh yeah they drink each other's piss you can tell and they're a bit gay there's something there's something in there honestly yeah i'm not gonna say every single one but the rugby players i've met and if i meet someone i know they're a rugby player before they tell me you can tell they're a bit odd and they have this like game with the teammates where they're constantly competing for being the weirder one yeah or the one that will

like eat shit or like go as far as they can and they do weird threesomes threesomes and they do like in the locker room they've always got the cocks out yeah rugby players yeah no guys it's like the sillier you the sillier you can get and i'm silly but they're really silly maybe i should be a rugby player yeah if you were a lad you'd be drinking my piss right now i have drunk a friend's wee once no you've not why because i was really really pissed and we were in a car and she had to wee in a cup and i was like go on then fuck it i'll do it so i had a tiny little tiny bit lauren that's absolutely i've also drank my friend's breast milk in a shot yeah i've done that we were um we were out and she was expressing because she could drink so she expressed into a

little thing and i had a shot of it it doesn't taste that bad no it's okay i tried to suck my own once have you ever done that your own boobs yeah oh i'd be able to suck yeah i tried when i was pregnant to suck it out there's stuff already coming out i text my midwife this morning like hi there's stuff coming out she must think i'm just mental let me look there's stuff coming out of my boob is that oh my god actually you're so annoying like is this the one that you pay for though like yeah oh my god you're texting every fucking day right so i googled something i googled just that like worst celebrities in bed who's come up as the worst in bed celebrities right okay google says that eminem is bad and he's got a massive pork sword that's disgusting drake is

supposedly really not oh no according to google but it's worth stealing his hot sauce but is this just good katie perry's meant to not be good oh yeah i get that vibe it's always like the girls that act like they they're really dirty you want the lady in the street oh no i don't believe that i'm not having that because in my dreams he's fantastic the woman in question was all fired up for a night of passion and she made her way i don't you get horny over there yeah yeah tell me more apparently the woman in question was all fired up for a night of passion and waited her way back to fitty's bedroom but the candy shop rapper turned into a little scare mouse once the door was closed and all of a sudden he started acting really shy it was like he was scared or

something he didn't take her to the candy and he was saying horny lines like you know i really like you oh no after a couple of minutes i had to tell him are we gonna get it popping or are we just gonna talk oh i'm gutted absolutely gutted who have you got any celebrity crushes no none one go on dappy dappy devil dick has any dappy mate yeah fancy him i've always fancied him do you think it's because he's a bit of rough and he's just the opposite of like he's the kind of guy i'd go for what i know now well why do you not understand my type then if you like i just found i've always found i actually have been to see n-dubs twice and they're getting back together wow okay um that's wow have you googled the picture that have you seen dappy's willy yeah

it's huge it is it's not a photoshopped thing no it looks like they've got a picture of a horse's And then put Dappy on the top. And then put it on him. That is neat. Yay! He's got loads of kids, hasn't he? But they're all with the same girl, though. Good on him.

They've been together for years. Good on him. But anyway, Dappy, if you're out there... I still want... What's the guy that I want to ring me that sings... H? No, not H. It is.

It's not. It's the one who sings... It's not... Ardy. Ardy. Yeah, I'm waiting for you to call me Ardy. Let me Google him. I want him to ring me.

i could be his um what's it called uh cougar i only fancy my husband d double e i think i think that's how you spell it right ash is googling him a r i've spelt it wrong rd rapper yes the rapper are you fucking joking i don't know i just like him he's got a girlfriend his girlfriend's gorgeous oh my god his name's like ardy like hardy like hard on oh my god i won't bring you flowers i'm not singing it again i've sung it in every episode oh my god it's sorry lauren he's got a girl i know have you seen her she's fucking beautiful gorgeous she's gorgeous and they're about 19 i just something about him i have a at the minute i'm like young there's him and h they look very similar yeah no that's not if i did the chicken shop thing i would have snogged

them toy boys yes or no okay so this is a new thing of mine um what you like them yeah yeah i went through that phase it's a phase isn't it so i've never really been into it and in the past i don't know i'm gonna say year or something yeah there's something about young boys that has really attracted me obsessed with you yeah and they're just eager to please so yeah there's something about them and it's the control and it's there's something about and i feel so superior yeah i know more than you i'm cleverer than you i've been around the block more than you i don't care about you i don't care about you you can't fool me you're not good enough for me because i'm a woman and you're a boy there's something and they're just so young and tight and fresh and

muscular but you know what though yeah i know i did catch myself like a few weeks ago like looking at someone's young arm and i was like wow i'm an old i'm disgusting i was like oh young veiny arm yes yes um but with toy boys i had a chat with some toy boys about this and i said to him like why do you love because certain toys love older women yeah and they were like well we like older women obviously i don't think it's like a girlfriend thing but they just like older women because they said that girls their age as in early 20s they can't have a certain conversation with them because they're of that like instagram generation where it's like really like you're telling me this is about conversation oh i think that we're better in

bed as well yeah i i didn't think it was about because i can't have an interesting conversation for 23 year old boy I can't believe Google's how to be good in bed that's me how to be cool

what to do to make someone like you but yeah and you know what we look younger for longer now why

well how old would you say that you look my age I don't think you do well I mean right now I've got a gummy eye no you don't

like if we went yeah if you went back 20 years a 31 year old would not look like we do well when you're out and lads are like oh yes yes and then you go like can i tell you my very favorite line i've got a child yeah no you haven't so when thea was born i think i went on my first night out i'd

was she six weeks eight weeks something like that yeah and every time i met someone throughout the night i got more and more pissed and every time i met someone um and had a fag in the fag area i my fear's age got younger because the response was so fucking good so i remember like when she was three months old I'd be like yeah they'd be like oh my god you're fit or a girl would say you look good and I'd be like I've got a three month old they'd be like no how have you managed that and then as the night went on I was like I've got a six week old I've got a two week old and then I'd be like I gave birth yesterday honestly and it was my favourite and then when she got to like one no one was impressed anymore so I'd be like yeah I've got a one year old and everyone was

like and then and so I was a bit gutted but yeah if I ever met you in the fag area I didn't give birthday yesterday have you ever been out with a celebrity no no i've not have you ever had sex with a celebrity no how's the celebrity ever pissed your bed right we can't say who it was this this is funny we can't say who no no absolutely i was out and it was when i was at uni it was years and years ago and there was someone who is actually quite famous really famous yeah and he was in um a club evisa oh we used to fucking we used to oh god table horse anyway long story short met this guy he asked us over we ended up having a party at my apartment he slept in my bed and nothing happened thank god then no it actually didn't and i woke up

and the bed was wet and i was like hey bleep why is the bed wet and he was like oh crap yeah because that's how we spoke isn't it i'm not saying anymore i must have pissed crap and i did actually see him for quite a while he took me to nando's on a date have you ever wet the bed no right so i wet the bed until about the age of 13 why i can't tell you no honestly my sleep you used to have that funny urethra problem oh yeah no no that's a fact so i did i had to have two operations on my urethra because it's too tight babe and it kept giving me infections i'm gonna put a cock up you you read me anyway no it wasn't that i wet the bed honestly and i used to sleep in bed with my mum bear in mind

so i was 15 and i went to bed until i was 13 i used to piss on my mum and she'd wake up in the night and go oh lauren you've done it again and then she'd be changing oh and i used to put i used to roll over her side piss and then roll back to my clean side don't know why um i used have been such a deep sleep i just i don't know right i don't know oh that's disgusting you shat yourself at fucking think that place off topic back to social media so all these celebs on instagram announcing these engagements and they're like a a a star are we enjoying it yeah i like watching it i'm into an engagement i mean i've had enough so did you did you do videos on your engagement so i have been proposed to three times three and you said yeah three so i've been

proposed to three times the last one i was married to now before actually i tell you about these engagements do you know how many men have got me maybe they're not still there but have me tattooed on their body guess five what five men have had my name or why do you think they do that because i get into these like carried away whirlwinds and they do it so they say that if you get someone's name tattooed on you that that's the death of the relationship well then they did all die so yeah i can confirm that so the first one i was 21 and he got it tattooed on his arm and one of my old boyfriends had it tattooed on his back one of them had it on his hand and one of my exes had my entire face portrait on his shin which is we're still really good friends it's all good but he did

changed me into a candy skull a candy skull yeah which i get um in fact there's another one um and my ex-husband had my name across the back of his head didn't he haven't you still got his name on your vagina yeah um i've had it lasered three times but we were getting married like i'm sorry it was my commitment no and now i wish i'd not and i have to have an awkward combo every time so tell us about your engagement okay so what hey what the rings are we in the money we're not in money what the only ring that was worth anything got thrown out of a window in an argument are you actually okay i need to tell you guys this story have we got time on this episode yeah go quick okay so i'm going to quickly tell you my engagements then i'm going to tell you the diamond

ring story so when i was um 19 i got proposed to by my childhood sweetheart chris who is now my best friend in the whole wide world and i'm friends with him and his beautiful girlfriend and we're best friends we were together for six years and in a snowy park on christmas eve he proposed to me and it was the probably honestly one of the happiest days of my life to date oh because nobody died in my life at that point and it was all just like life looked like it was going to be fucking great um so yeah that was honestly one of the best moments of my life it was a little ring we would probably laugh at it now oh don't no it was good no it was good at the time it was really good for our age and it was beautiful i loved it more than anything we didn't work

we're very best friends right i need to tell you my next engagement story this one is a fucking cracker okay so i'm with this guy he's the one who took that money off me and i what happened is i kind of knew i didn't want to be with him forever and i kind of had to remember that bit at the time no i didn't tell i knew i just knew as anyway so my mum rang me when i was at work and she was like lauren lauren i need to tell you something she said you can't fucking and i was like why are you whispering she went i'm under the bed i was like what you're under the bed she went he's in the living room i'm under your bed ringing you he's got you a ring he's got you a ring i was like what he's gonna propose and she knew i didn't want to know i was like no stop him she went how

can i stop him he's come around with the fucking ring and i was like is it big it's massive and then i was like no you have to stop this mum i can't i don't want to marry this man how is it your mum's bro i know i was like you have to go and tell him not to do it i can't he's in the living room i've told him this man is terrifying she was like i've told him i'm going to the toilet i'm under the bed she was like i'm just giving you a heads up we'll discuss it when your home so i was like tell him no she couldn't obviously now it was my birthday weekend and we were going to york oh you're gonna cry laughing we were going to york and he rode motorbikes now i hate oh i hate anything that's cold and anything that's outdoors i don't like

exciting sports no i want to watch telly and i'd be warm um and he had a motorbike so for my birthday so i knew this was coming up no one could stop it it was fucking coming and i knew when it was gonna come because we were going to a log cabin for my birthday don't anyway don't mate um anyway so he on my birthday unwrapped the presents and it was some leather stuff some chaps it was chaps and a helmet okay no but i've got a video and i'll find it because he recorded it and you can see how sad i am in my eyes through the helmet so i get there the wind blowing no no it was awful i had to count down the minutes so we get there and he gives me this helmet the helmet was too small i didn't have

the i didn't dare tell him so i'm there and my face is so sad on this video i was like and the helmet fits doesn't it and i'm like this you can see the sadness in my eyes and it was hurting me the pain was i can't tell you the pain was excruciating in the back of my head so we get on this motorbike and we go to york it was freezing and when i say yeah he did actually when i say freezing i'm talking freezing i had to count down all i could see so i'm holding on to the back of it and my eyes were like streaming my hair was red i was so she's crying she's crying laughing i wish you could see her face it looks like you definitely had botox just before the baby just before you got pregnant anyway so i'm on this motorbike and what i had to do is i had

to keep looking at this clock yeah and i'm timing this is how bad it was every five minutes i used to think get through the next five get through the next five get through the next five so yeah um we finally got there i can't tell you how traumatic this was or don't right so we get there and all the while i know i'm getting proposed to and i don't want to so we get there we get in the hot tub and i know it's coming i know and i'm starting it's coming did you get pissed uh probably i can't remember and i know it's coming anyway i'm waiting for the conversation to turn and i'm not gonna say no because i can't people kept saying why didn't you say no you couldn't say no to this man no anything no and

you can't say no in this situation i'd rather say yes and then be like it's not working a picture of this man so here we are in the hot tub ready and then he says it will you marry me and i well yeah and i go yeah oh yeah great and i know it's coming though he goes over the side of the hot tub wasn't there a video of it yeah and i know i don't know whether and it did go on instagram and i know he's going to get the ring and i'm waiting and i'm waiting anyway i said yes this huge fuck off ring massive and then i'm thinking i don't want anyone to know i'm engaged i was embarrassed because i've been engaged before i was embarrassed because i knew this wasn't gonna see through so i didn't want everyone knowing however i knew that i had to be not i

couldn't be ungrateful so it was gonna have to go on social media but it was also my birthday i put it on facebook which is what people used at the time and everyone was commenting i didn't put anything other than a picture of the ring yeah and when people put anything and i put happy birthday to me so it looked like it was a birthday present yeah and anyone that commented congratulations i deleted it no you didn't and he was like where are all these comments going and i deleted everything that said congratulations oh my god are you engaged i deleted it and i just kept the happy how long did you stay engaged him for eight weeks and what happened to the ring okay so we were driving it was all it all went very wrong and i don't want to go into detail much because i feel

like i could get sued but we had a very bad time he was not nice and as we were driving we had this argument and he ripped the ring off my finger wound the window down and supposedly threw it out the window i don't think he did i think he pocketed it they they say to do that one of my mum's friends did it she went to throw it at her husband in an argument and caught it back yeah so and pocketed it basically he pocketed but i thought it'd gone out the window and it was just next to your carriageway this is another funny one i can't not tell you guys this so then i go home that night and i'm like mum we're over and and and because of the remember the 20 grand loan yeah she's like we need the ring yeah we need the ring lauren you can sell the ring to get the loan money back

so guess what happened the next day me and my mum and a metal detector at the side of the road and it was a really busy dual carriageway so we went to the gym my mum's friend at the gym had a metal detector so we went and got it and we're there at the side of a kind of not very busy door carriageway with a metal detector with our hoods up so no one would see and i i thought no one's gonna know it was raining i had my hood up and we're detecting this metal it had never even gone there i thought i realized after he'd kept it clearly it's not stupid did you ever get that money back off him no it was going to be worth about 20 grand that ring he would never have thrown it anyway we're there with metal detectors me and my mum i thought

no one's gonna notice me next thing my instagram and facebook have i just seen you on the carriageway and everyone was messaging me like are you on the 853 with a metal detector with your mom and i was like no not me that's honestly the stories i have of my fucking life and do you know what's really cute liz my mom is there every fucking mistake i make that woman is there with the metal detector her next to me like whatever it is she is there and i i keep her young right and then tell us about the last engagement the last one was the one i got married and i was in the in the we'd only known each other how long had me and me and thea's dad been together before yeah really it was whirlwind but i was so madly in love i don't regret any of that it was the best time of my life

um whirlwind and i think it would been together three months and he couldn't wait any longer he went and got the ring planned a proposal god knows what it would have been and i was washing my hands after doing some washing up and he went come in the living room and i went in the living room it was quite and he got down on one knee in the living room and just said will you marry me and it was the best i was the happiest i've ever been and where's that ring i sold it to pay for the divorce bear in mind my quickie divorce only cost about two grand yeah but when you sell them i think you get like nothing you don't get any no no but then it's like do you want to keep them because they've got such bad luck i know i if i had one that was worth of anything i'd give it to

fear like and what do we think of it when you're gifted something and then it gets oh so that's just happened to me hasn't it ash not that long ago with the oh yeah not that long ago right okay so if you gift someone something then it's a gift and you forget about it and you move on yeah i would always if someone like asked for it but then like are you sure in your estimations they go down like like you i would if it was me i would have lost the few thousand i'd be like keep them because you're a cunt but and i would i would have like i'd rather lose the money and get a payday loan than ever admit that i wanted that 100 like literally your big dick energy gone you've asked for anything back it's just god it's time you literally then do you know what they do

you a favor by because these things that you're like oh great don't need to get over that breakup then bye help me when i think the thing and by the way that person was on like a lovely person it's just one of those things i'm only talking about it in general but i do think like after a breakup how you behave after the breakup is fucking huge and i know this because it's all right for us to sow grass seeds on someone's carpet but if the man does weird shit after

they go down you don't have to get over them anymore if they turn bitter social media when they do the weird social media loads of girls pictures to try and get your attention you don't need to get over them anymore it's ick

do you remember when that person put that stuff about they basically publicly outed their girlfriend for whatever she'd done, don't know, they publicly outed her. That then, for me, would have made me get over

that person much quicker because I would have thought, wow, I've seen a side to you that you had hidden in you and now I've seen that. I don't want you anymore anyway. However, if I want to put a quote up or 10 bikini pictures,

I fucking will. Being engaged, do you think you're going to get engaged again? Yeah. How many more? As many times as I fucking want. But this time,

the ring will be good and I'll keep it. Dilemma of the week, dilemma of the week. week i love my intro okay so the dilemma of the week the one that we've chosen to help or not help you guys with is this right okay basically what the title says smelly fanny there is a note for oh we shouldn't laugh no it's funny i thought we've all had a smelly fanny um there is a noticeable odor down there so bad that i have to wear a panty liner and change my

knickers midday i can't wear the same jeans more than one day because my jeans stink it's fucking mortifying it's definitely noticeable to other people as well it's bv my boyfriend has been asking me about the weird smell in the bedroom she's been to a gp over a year ago she's been treated for thrush bv they tested her for all kinds of things she says that she's cut out stuff from her diet she has tried pessaries has she told you what kind of smell it is i'm assuming fish yeah it says here i can't go out of the house for more than a couple of hours before i need to get home to have a wash because my i smell like a rotten vag just as a background one day i smelled totally normal then over a course of the week a rank smell persisted which has never gone

people have said have i lost a tampon no gp is absolutely sick of me right smelly fanny smelly fannies um i don't oh god we've all had bv right everyone's had bv i didn't know what it was so the medication the medication that they normally give you for bv is it's shit it's out of the yes can i just tell you never ever drink on that projectile projectile vomiting and i know this because i've had it actually it wasn't for bv actually i'd be i would say if it was but two people when when prescribed and it said when we say don't drink you do not drink on it so what did you do well i've got smashed and threw up i know i did right so how did you know that you had bv right so basically it was ages ago it was when i lived in london and the water must have been

different because all of that has an effect on your vagina doesn't it and like even like my hair was different because the water is honestly after you've lived there for a bit from being here like it's like dubai the water's well weird yeah so um my vagina was like what is going on and then i was like oh my god it literally was like that like the smell pair of knickers in the corner of the bedroom could smell them from over there like i'd never had a smelly no no me neither apart no i haven't and i am a clean person and i was like oh my god literally this is heartbreaking and i was like no one oh my god what am i doing and then i spoke to my friend about it luckily i've had a friend on a level where i could be like my vagina smells of fish and like i'd be in the shower and

like yeah oh my god so listen still smell can i just say certain soaps have you i know you shouldn't do malone shower gel have you ever got soap put it on your hand wiped your nun it stinks of fish there's something in the soap bar i know you should i know you should have something within the soap tell me i'm not the only one when it mixes with your ph i only well now i do now i do honestly i use a vino now and again on my vag joe malone and do you know what else the gynecologists say that that femme fresh is actually worse for your fanny than have you ever i when i've been like seeing somebody on a regular i sometimes take the wipes though you know for a quick freshen up because you want it so clean down there before and you don't want it to smell like baby wipe

no because then it's obvious then you smell like a child and it's like and then that reminds you like baby poo yeah but oh yeah you need a fresh yeah and as well if you've like shaven or you've had laser then it does get sweatier quicker so bv um everyone's had it for people who don't know what it is it's bacterial vaginosis you know the things pure bv the quickest those pumps yeah the best things are you can and actually i'm going to give you some advice so you put them up you lie back you squeeze it shoots gel up and then within probably five days for even less to be fair gone now let me give you a tip on this i don't know if this is right and if i'm doctors may tell me off whatever i'm not saying it's definitely right i use them every now and again for a clear out yeah

now one thing they are fantastic for is if you're gonna go and have sex with someone put them up like a few hours before and not only does it clear you out it lubes you right and they buzz off it because of the of the lubrication you've squirted yes yes but it's bb treatment and it doesn't smell this conversation i know well listen we're saying can i just say to you ladies that listen to this imagine you saying these things and all the thousands of people hearing it we're doing this we're so brave for you all to be like i get that i get that someone's gonna get a box of balance active and take a picture and do hashtag it and do you know what i mean like we are we tell our biggest and embarrassing secrets that you lot feel good about yourself thrush honestly sometimes

when you get that thrush when you've been on antibiotics and it's that thrush that won't fuck off it's like your vagina's gone inside out

and you're in a grumpy mood all the time I once got it when I was really young and my full clitoris and inner labia blew up like a cauliflower

you could no longer see what was the inners what was the outers and I was only young and I remember my mum being like Jesus and it was thrush

what from antibiotics? I don't know what it was from i wasn't sexually active it was i was young crush you don't really get from sex you get that from washing powder wearing different knickers leggings anyway we don't know what's wrong with this woman if are you on the coil my friend was on the coil and it gave her um a fanny of death the fanny of death like a fucking stunk of death um yes like like dead people and that was from the coil and my other friend's coil has gone missing one of my friend's coils is stuck and they've tried operating to get it out and they can't get it out wow i mean this isn't a good story for the

car i know lots of people that are fine um we should talk contraception one time shouldn't we yeah yeah i'm on i'm on nada i'm not you're well no um you're i'm on nada at the minute because i'm not particularly sexually active so i don't need to talk about that but anyway back to smelly fanny right i don't let it go don't let it go don't let it go because having a nice clean smelling vagina is a big thing this is life limiting i've got some friends as well that really battle with these kind of things like the bv and the thrush right my top tips as in supplements wise the bv the the things lauren spoke about the balance active yes pessaries and gels yeah the gels are better than the pessary i prefer the gel then because the pessary is like

you've like you've put a fucking piece of chalk up your fanny like you've put a crane up your i remember my sister one day was like practically like drawing on the floor why have you got chalk on your bum and i was like yeah it's literally it is um it's like you put a child's chalk up your vag and and then if you get thrush those allison max tablets you've told me to get those recently not for just always have them and you draw because if you ever get a bladder infection or thrush and you take what you didn't tell me it goes makes your breath and your burp stink you didn't tell me it was made of garlic yeah so i had like 10 of them and then i was like oh if i had a lasse do i have a lasagna last night honestly it stunk and then um also with rush drinking

drinking kefir before your antibiotics and taking probiotics as well but yeah anyway vaginas are very complex things and that's why you're probably best going to see a gynecologist then charlie i'm sorry but she's hysterical can we get the lasse the lasse um lasse b can we get gynecologist in one day and ask them stories yeah and ask them like serious like proper questions about vagina oh do you know what i'd be funny to get a gp in i bet they see some shite yeah they're not gonna tell us yeah no they're not could we not get them in but put like one of those voices on well once when i worked at a private hospital sorry we keep going off um then we couldn't use

a room for two days because someone had a tampon stuck in my friend did that and the gynecologist had to take it out and it smelled that bad that the room wasn't able to be used for two days i think the only time that that could happen is if you're really drunk and have sex or something like that and it gets like lodged and you think oh my god i must have took that out last night i've known people to do that they forgot they had it in mate and start banging and then it's got stuck and then the next day you assume you've taken it out because the string's gone and you put another and you just continue as it makes his way

up your diaphragm and comes out your mouth oh my god Jesus do you know once I had a tampon and Theo was like mummy

a mouse's tail yeah a mouse's tail and straw you've got straw up your mini you need to get that out and I was like yeah I will

she was like it's still up your mini mum anyway guys thanks for listening wow this episode's been so fucking weird hasn't it I'm sorry

I hope you listen again next week though I hope you come back it's not always like this it is that's like you when i'm pissed she's not always like this she is thank you for listening thanks guys all these listens likes and shares really do mean so much to us if you don't do it we're not gonna keep doing this yeah like we need money and sponsors i need money so please share please leave a review obviously yes a review yes no you have to leave if it's any less than five

i'm not fucking interested don't listen again don't fucking come back but if it's a five or a four maybe put your reviews on uh spotify do they do reviews i don't know i don't know whatever just review it yeah exactly so follow us on instagram our podcast page is at ntngaf and our personal pages are at the cosmetic consult and at lauren elizabeth underscore xx see you next week Thank you.