Nip Tuck - I Broke His Banjo

Episode Date: November 23, 2022

Ashley is pigging out on all her favourite treats from the bakery ahead of her next beauty treatment, plus she has some HUGE money saving tips for beauty products. Lauren has got serious beef with an online shop and has had a hard time with her daughter giving her grief, so Ashley has a top tip for Mums. Slutty Susan is back and you deviants have not let us down with your stories.To get involved with the show, you can send us a DM on Instagram and TikTok, find us @niptuckpod. Or you can email [e-mail] can also send us your Icks & Dilemma's via WhatsApp! You can text or voice note the girls on [phone]Our GDPR privacy policy was updated on August 8, 2022. Visit acast.com/privacy for more information. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

hello and welcome to nip tuck and not giving a fuck this is the podcast where we celebrate being positive aspirational young old and all the in between and everything that's in the middle women and men and men yeah women and them so this is all about being unapologetically yourself yes whatever that might look like just being you and not being asked to be you as you know on niptuck we want to get your voice heard so you know you can email us at hello at niptuckpod.com it's hard to say so i had to do it like that you can send your ixing your dilemmas your stories your pictures your voice notes your everything and we'll play those out in other episodes and you can remain anonymous if you want to so don't ever panic about that we can warp your voice we cannot say your

name we just want the details don't we but please make it clear if you want to be anonymous or not yeah you need to tell us so just head over to this week's episode description for more info we want to know what's been getting on your tits what's giving you the ick and any other bits your questions your embarrassing sex stories basically we don't give a fuck so um how do you feel tired why because what do you do i went out at the weekend you didn't drink though i did drink a bit did you yeah i didn't drive or anything all right okay no um i you went to monkey house didn't you yeah um i'm so tired dinner wasn't till half past 10 at night what who eats at i don't know i was out with all these young people and then um no just don't eat then i might i think

I didn't. Do you know, on a night out, I don't see the point. You're either out or you're having a meal and a couple of drinks. And it was so expensive. It is so expensive there. And I didn't eat. And I didn't want to say to everyone, like, I can't eat any of this because I'm allergic to shellfish or prawns.

So I ordered one thing that I could have eaten, the guacamole, and it didn't even turn up. The guac is so nice. So I just didn't say anything. So yeah, I went there. Did you go after it? Yes. and then i managed to leave a few times but every time i went outside to book my uber i saw someone that i knew and they dragged me back in and then um i was like oh when i went back in my sister was

a little bit drunk so i was like i had to watch her then when i finally did leave and get an uber the motorway was closed so it took me 90 minutes to get home and i was like taking my eyelashes off you looked really nice thank you really good that where was that dress from it's like a pvc wasn't I loved that. Yes, it's from Wolf and Badger. Yes. Yes. Alicia Poppy is the brand.

Yes. But you had to keep putting lube on it. Did you? You had to keep lubing it up. Yeah. Honestly, it was like a full-on dominatrix dress. Ed was like, you're actually serious. What about my problem with the PVC pants?

The event we've just been to last week. Oh, my God. So the video, you'll have seen it on Instagram followers. No, it's latex. Latex. That's what it's called. Okay. so um latex is like bang on trend at the minute yeah and me and lauren had a really nice event

shout out to mum and me app we had a lovely time we went with a really nice group we had a good laugh didn't we um and anyway our friends were picking us up in a taxi and lauren um i was like oh i've got some latex leggings just like yours and she standard lauren well how much were yours then? I was like, oh, they were off Net-A-Porter. Yours were Commando, weren't they? I had the Commando ones. I was like, they were off Net-A-Porter and they were like, what were they, £200? Yeah, because I was going to get them and then I thought, hmm.

And she was like, well, these were £9 from Pullum Bear and I've had them for 15 years. I'm not from Sheffield. Yeah, I was. I was like, I'm having them forever. She kept rambling on about the £9 from Pullum Bear. They were really good. They looked stunning. And then I

was fuming and I was like, well, I've just spent £200 on these bastards and they're going to be in fashion for that long anyway we get ready uh also kind of just add lauren ended up wearing my full outfit she wore my jacket my um trousers and my shoes and she is two sizes bigger than me in shoes i literally came around didn't i with i had like an actual tram i brought nice clothes but then i put my shoes on and i was like ash looked at my shoes and to be fair they were in the bin after and they were literally you know where the heel peels off i was like i'm not walking around next to you so i put your ysls on you're a size four when i say

the pain like honestly the pain was really bad anyway the trousers we get outside and we're waiting for the taxi and i went what the fuck i literally put my hand on my bum and i was like ash i think these have like pulled a little and pulled a little is what i said and then she was like let me see and then she was like we'll upload the picture to instagram so you can see but yeah they were fucked too she wore my full outfit and actually look you need to wear

that outfit again it was nice I ran upstairs and you know when you because Ashley was like the taxi's coming hurry up so I ran upstairs

and you know when you're young and you lie on the floor with your legs in the air to get your pants on I was doing that on your carpet trying to drag my pants on do you know what though

my sister sent me the footage of her coming in on Saturday night off the ring doorbell is it funny so funny but guys can you send us

your ring doorbells yes what a good idea send any pissed up funny yeah yeah when you get in on a night out from you ring doorbells please do that and what about the one that i shared on instagram my mum when she fell in the garden oh it's crying i'll share that again if you want if you want that message mate i just really tickles me i like those ones and you

can see yourself looking for your key and you can't get the key in the door and you're staggering around so the other episode i was in absolute shock about the fact that people go to lapland for a pissing day a day you go to Lapland for a day not Blackpool like what

anyway Ash was convinced and I thought it was just a rich person thing seems I mean I don't know if they are but it seems it's not just a one off

I think it is quite a rich person thing who does that rich people wow I never want to be so rich that I need to waste my time in Lapland

for the day that's not what I'll be spending my money on anyway we've got a message in and it says can I confirm Lauren I went to Lapland

for the day you rich bitch you have breakfast on the plane oh amazing why did you do this lunch in a snow hut okay

and Christmas dinner on the plane on the way home what a shitty shitty thing the kids would fucking love it though no they'd be on a plane

my dad remarried so my half brothers are ten years younger than me so one was seven and told the real Santa that he wanted a taser gun

confused old man Santa just patted him on his back and said good boy no fucking idea what he'd said all the english adults in the room were laughing one brother who was five and shattered from his day out in lapland cried the entire flight home because his jam tart had a pastry lid on and nanny doesn't make them like that that is a typical typical child thing so yeah maybe nice maybe hell on earth don't know really i say hell but

really makes me laugh on this one when kids kick off for the most ridiculous like he's this kids kicked off because there was no because there was pastry lid on it yeah thea once kicked off because she's not a boy one day saskia just gets home from nursery some days and she goes i want a pet yeah or she'll go i want a trampoline yeah just random things they kick off over they used to go mental if i used to open any sweets for her or when you start cutting their food yeah and you don't they don't want to cut they would literally pull drag her own hair over the fact that i'd put one tiny little bit of knife mark

in a nugget or something or when you eat if I eat Thea's food she screams you know what a new thing is at the minute she goes you're boring

and then runs off and she goes in her room her behaviour has been terrible do you know what I said to her the other day deadly serious and I'm sorry if this is

a bad mum thing but I really meant it and I feel like she needs to oh god she needs to understand this we're in the car and I said Thea

when you are horrible to mummy all weekend I don't want to hang around with you because I thought she needs to know so I was like it makes mummy

not want to be with you because it's very mean and she was just like you're boring have you not said that you'll ring the mummy club what's that so save me in your phone as the mummy club right and when you ring me and you go hello it's lauren i'm calling the mummy club here's mummy oh i'll i'll play along oh really oh is does theo want a new mummy then yeah this is what you do no but theo would say yeah yeah no no she wouldn't she wouldn't let's try it let's record it she'd like a really horrible mummy and then they start and that whenever i go i'm ringing the mummy club she got that's great well i um i once said to her right i've had enough you're gonna go and live with your dad forever and i actually because i

mean look we all we've all been that i lost my temper i said you're gonna go and live there forever and you're never gonna see me again and she went good and that was it that was it so the whole way home i played on this thing and all the way home i was going right so you're gonna need to move your clothes then and we're going to need to move your bed and she was going yes and my bunnies and i was like yeah and you're obviously not going to see me again so i don't know what you're gonna do at night for a cuddle but grandma yeah okay and then i literally all the way home and i went right should we set off then and she went yes and that didn't work at all then in the end i went i've changed my mind you can stay with me so yeah if anyone's got any tips for kids that have just

been horrible let me know no i'm the mummy club the mummy club everyone try that and if one of your friends rings you and say hello it's blah blah's mummy and me in the mummy club you go along that's what you just go along with it it saves me from pretending to ring the police i guess yeah hi is that the police the police thing's worn off now no and she's scared of me ringing a school teacher that gets her right she shits herself maybe that's the new that really gets us i'm gonna ring such and such and she'll be like no no mommy it's really good it's funny anyway anyway um so there is such thing as lapland in a day tomorrow the reason why we've been eating greg's well not me i've got no excuse i'm having my op tomorrow ashley is having her

surgery tomorrow are you getting a driver taking you there yeah who's going anyone going with you or you just go no i'm the same just go get on with it you don't need someone to be like just go do it sorry for me i'm doing something very selfish yeah yeah you've made the choice I wouldn't expect anyone to feel sorry for me. It's nice after when you're like, oh. No, because everyone's that bored of me having shit done. Yeah, it's boring now. They're like, this is an inconvenience now.

I have a thing. Oh, God. I think, I'll see if anyone else understands this, where I kind of like the idea of being in hospital a little bit. No, I mean, a little bit poorly. Not very poorly, but enough that people are a little bit worried. And my mum rings James. That's like after you've had a baby.

That's a good one. Yes, and my mum rings James and is like, Lauren's in hospital and he's like oh my god and he's panicked and they run over and they're like

stroking me and I'm not that ill like I'm going to be fine I'm only in for a couple of days you visualise this yeah I'm only in for a couple of days but they think I'm a bit ill but I'm not that ill

there's no lasting damage and they're like looking after me and when you're pregnant and you go in and there's a bit of a little tiny worry and everything's fine

but everyone's so concerned no when I was younger I used to want to break my leg on purpose so that I would get attention I just have this vision of being in hospital

and everyone being like is Lauren alright oh god i've got something wrong does nobody have that no do you know i thought you would not like a normal hospital you've got this fairy tale thing in your head and i'd be on a ward on a bed with a piss bucket okay right i don't want to do that anymore anyway you're having your operation how do you actually feel about it do you literally feel like it's nothing yeah it's fine same that's how i feel fine i've not had any surgery for two years oh my god do i have my eyes yeah i know it's like why are you making this up um no it'll be fine and they said

it shouldn't like hurt that much i think you'll be absolutely fine literally are you gonna wear the compression on your arms i have to the arm condoms for four weeks winter that's what i thought it's like the best time to have it done what about you so they're just putting the fat into your hip dips i'm not having your ass yeah that's not allowed so what kind of garment will you wear like just a compression short they've sent uh macom again our favorite surgical garments um have sent me like this cat suit with like the bum bit is like really because she's definitely going to be wearing that cat suit it's really thin so that like it can stretch out one how much are we stretching the bum bits uh okay okay i'll put a picture of them on so yeah right lauren i

know you aren't that hyped over like makeup and shit but i just wanted to bring this to the table no i mean like you know how like i buy loads of stuff all the time and you've got your classic things that you use oh my god no she doesn't get excited over it that's what i meant like hyped right no she's right i have three products i swear it takes me five minutes to get ready and I put the same ones on I could be a fucking 10 out of 10 if I made an effort

with anything I'm always like look at this new device and Lauren's like I use this that is it I'm busy fuck off

she's not bothered and every day I am those parcels coming with different new makeup if I could if I had the sources

then I probably would have been more but I mean you've got fuck all else to do I have so let's have a look yeah right okay

so let's put it down let's get right down to the nitty gritty we're talking about the Aldi dupes now i've bought oh my god actually this is really weird i've posted is it the armani yeah i've posted that on my story this morning because it's on sale 30 off yeah and i've just i've just put it on my story this morning saying if you want the foundation this is it luminous silk armani that

is that the juke the juke and it's three pounds 99 so this one i think is 20 no it's 45 oh my god it's the best foundation i've ever used it's what this foundation's incredible so this one's 45 that on 3.99 open it up and see what you think right can i borrow that right so i've got luminous silk on now not a lot that's going to be way too pale for you i would say shade two or three um so yeah just to let you know i wear it anyway every day that is my staple so if this is good then this is seriously right so first up we have got the armani luminous silk now that is 40 pounds and the aldi one is the lacura cashmere glow luminous foundation as you can see the bottles lauren very similar so i use the luminous silk every day it's my absolute go-to i've got it on now i have just

put them both on my hand there's almost a 40 pound price difference so the first thing i'm going to say like i say i use this every single day what shade is this one ashley one right okay so i'm 6.5 which i would say 6.5 that's an average color i would say like a mid-range so you would need a what in the two or three you need a two or three because the one is very pale so i've just put on the hand only thing i would say at this point is that the armani one's got more coverage um it's a little bit thicker the aldi's a bit more watery try it out though because i've heard that it's really good now the next one actually it is nice you know on my hand the bobby brown face space now i use that pretty much every day do you no i don't it's too thick for me the

The La Cura one, the Aldi one, is £5.99. The Bobbi Brown one is £48.50. That's expensive, isn't it? Lauren? So tell me what you use this for, Ash. I use that. I don't use this, personally. I put it on literally every day.

So is it your daily moisturiser, would you say? No, because I put it on after I've done all my moisture. It gives you like a glow. Is it a makeup primer? It's a primer. Right. So I can put thick layers of this on because I've got very dry skin and I find that it does sit well under that Armani foundation.

I would find that if you've got like a combination skin, probably going to be too thick. Right. The next one, which I've not got here, but I have got at home. They feel exactly the same? Yeah. No, literally, they are the same. Okay, so...

I'm raving over that. Yeah, they feel exactly the same. Okay, the next one, which I've not got here, but I have got at home, is the NARS Radiant Creamy Concealer. I nearly got that yesterday. What do you think of it? I use that every day. so the aldi one is 3.99 and the nars one is 25 pounds lauren no lie again they're the same

genuine same i was literally going to go and buy that the other day right i'm gonna i wear custard what do you wear custard and i was shade two shade two right okay the next one is the pixi glow tonic it's 18 pounds the lacura healthy glow tonic is 8.99 i've used that last year they did the same one or maybe even the year before really really good really nice but you know when you've cleansed your skin and you just want to take it close as you pause yeah so basically i've read the ingredients on both of these and they are exactly the same they both contain five percent glycolic acid so you're saving 10 pounds there okay now um other ones that they've got are a dupe of the laura mercier setting powder oh okay i don't like that i would say i didn't actually that was one of the

things that i didn't rate that highly um then i also bought the um you know the benefit they're real mascara oh yeah they've done one of that and it's called too legit and there's a 20 pound saving that's a lot of money and mascara you need a good one but i feel like you do go through it they were the same but they still didn't beat our favorite maybelline sky high yeah and you can get that for like four quid from tesco they've also done dupes of the p louise eye base have they I wonder how she feels about that, we should ask her. Well, it doesn't like specifically say. No, no, I know.

They've also done a dupe of one of my favourites that I think you've got as well. I've got it here. It's the Charlotte Tilbury I-Quad. I think that's about £40. And this one's £3.99. Shut the fuck up. I would say one of the Charlotte Tilbury ones

is a little bit more red in it and copper. I like the red copper. But they're nice colours. And for £3.99. And like, I just think makeup now. Why would you want to? You're paying for the packet. They did a copy of the Tarte Shape Tape.

Oh, what's that like? Exact same. So the list could go on and on. They've done dupes as well. Like I'm saying, the stuff looks the same. It smells the same. It feels the same. They've done dupes of the perfumes.

Oh, I'm never in for it to a perfume dupe because they might smell the same. It's like copies of perfumes. But good to have in your car. good if you're gonna put your handbag or your gym kit or something exactly um and i use the joe malone copy well joe malone dupes from aldi as like um i spray them on my bed yes the room yeah i like those and in my towel room and stuff they've done a duper of whispering angel what do you think about it's like literally the same is that a vagina that is the name touch my whispering

angel that is a vagina whispering angel are you thinking of whispering eye what film is it where he goes that is the best film ever role models role models it's a fucking and he goes something like a whispering guy i don't know if anyone's seen that me and lucas have anyway lucas whispering angels one of the nicest roses he's not interested yeah so that is 18 pounds a bottle about and the one from aldi is 5 pounds 49 if you did a taste test i would say they're very very very similar so we aren't sponsored we aren't anything by Aldi here by the way

this is just genuine comparison I am just guys also the foundation looks good you know I've had it on my hand for five minutes

I've just normalised shopping at Aldi for everything now I get my full shot from Aldi me too but do you know what made me really pissed off

the other day Aldi was shut because it was like Sunday evening so I had to go into Boots and had to buy some Pampers nappies

oh my god they're so expensive 12 pound And the best nappies are Aldi Everyone knows the best nappies are Aldi So it was £12 for like 18 nappies And then I went over to Aldi the next day And I was like

You know Yeah It's like £1.50 Honestly For like 24 nappies I do my full shop at Aldi I'd get the odd things at the place But Aldi's where I do my full one

The baby wipes The Aldi wipes The sensitive ones The baby pouches Yeah The little yogurt pouches It's really good The Nespresso pods

Yes The toilet roll It's just good Basically like everything's so fucking expensive i'm just save where you can it's giving me life that aldi are doing this keep going aldi keep going so there you go there's our aldi dupes so whilst we're on money saving another app that i actually downloaded last week which you guys need to get on your phone is one called honey okay what's that have you heard of it no never it's an app that you download

onto your phone or onto your browser it's called honey every website you go on it checks for discount codes my mum's computer does this and then it just adds them up right so my mum's computer's got like a microsoft something and that comes up with the ads but i don't know how with the discounts for every way you just click it but i don't know how to do it on my phone honey it's honey download it um so should we mention this to them someone has messaged us in and they've said um what is the website that we talk about with secondhand designer clothes now everyone knows i absolutely love like i just find it a buzz yeah finding the items vestiaire yes i've got some trainers on there at the minute love depop but it is full of scammers so i've been

using vinted um vinted is actually really good the fees are lower i really like it i enjoy like i've just bought a coat there and i thought i would have spent it was a zara coat okay so i could have gone and bought it was about 80 quid yeah however i got it for 10 stop and one girl who I probably could have easily been my friend or something. Like, it's just a normal girl like me. Yeah. Well, let's warn it once. It was like a tenner.

Like, let's be more sensible about this. And then when I've had enough, I will go and sell it and it's free then. If you think about the Instagram ones, there's Hush Looks. What's something you've collected? What's collected? There's different ones.

There's Sellier, Knightsbridge, Luxury Promise. I didn't know all these. There's so many now on Instagram. Why are you going out there right now when times are hard and buy, like, get some secondhand stuff? Literally get secondhand stuff. I would. I do.

100 well i do and then sell it straight after it's free exactly i love it there you go and there's our life hacks guys there you go so any other bargain basement yeah send us any bargain stuff that you see send it over we love it oh my god no that shoes the shoe shop oh guys so i was like walking around the trafford centre you know that bit with prime marking because no uh yeah the barton square uh okay yeah so i was walking back from primark because i'd just gone to buy i need to do a primark the everything good was sold out like the plain white baby grows you know in the pack of five none could not get them everyone knows about that um so yeah i was walking back to the car and my sister went what's that shoe shop and i was thinking like this is

random because it's like the homeware but so we went in and fuck me like there was ugg boots for like in the 20 pounds then they had isabel morant trainers for like nine pounds they had kurt geiger's stock i've not got a clue giovanto rossi's alexander voltier's a girl messaged me saying she was in there the other week and got a pair of chloe sandals for six pounds what anyway shoeaholics in the centre we don't care why we just know we just know so yeah send us stuff because I think it's really helpful especially with the climate as it is at the moment

and you know I haven't got don't get me wrong I'm not you know on the bread line but I haven't got the same extra that I maybe once had

so I'm just pulling back where I can and what's the point when there's all this shit out there all this shit that we just someone else

what do they say someone's trash is another's treasure yeah like that Zara coat she didn't want it I did people say that about us

probably I'm the treasure you're the fucking trash you need your own show anyway okay right lauren what's on your tits returns oh sorry karen right i'm serious about this i don't often have things getting on my tissue you do because you're an aggy person i'm not because i don't really i'm just go along don't applaud applaud plodding my hugs um so listen to this

no serious so i went online and i ordered i had a few events coming up so i did like quite a big order um i'll tell you the website in a minute and i ordered a few different outfits but also size wise i sometimes struggle knowing because my boobs are big um mesh key not necessarily oh yeah yeah it's quite expensive expensive and nice and it's soft it from another country so they've got a uk site now which is why i was like yes because i've always liked it and i'm not buying from australia like beach wary does everything it's really nice you would love some of the dresses so i went on i spent 400 pounds okay it's a lot of money it's a lot of money right but i i ordered certain things in like three sizes because you never know with your boobs exactly i got that so

they all came i actually they were all right i just didn't like anything and they were either too small too big so i just sent them all back no this stuff was good it just wasn't for me and i got like three pairs of three tops you know so i sent them all back fine didn't think much of it i thought i'll get that refund in soon blah blah then i got an email about two weeks later with loads of credit notes maybe they don't do refunds same as img yeah i'm so upset they only do credit note so i spent 400 pounds thinking i might keep 100 pounds worth of it so that's my budget and i've just found out i'm not getting it back actually know if that is legal i'm so angry i don't think it is you know i'm so upset because listen i got a pair a top in three sizes why would

i not be able to read they don't fit me so i'm really upset does anyone know more about this i've wasted i'm not 400 pounds i haven't got that yeah img did that to me once but i thought i I wouldn't have spent it. I should have looked though. It was because it was in Australia. No, easy. I should have looked. I should have looked properly.

But why would you? How many places only do credit note now? Also, have you seen all this shit that's like going on? Does anyone work for Meshki or can anyone help me? I want my money back. On TikTok with the people opening their PLT parcels, a lady found a phone. What?

A phone in a parcel? No. In her PLT parcel. Oh. That would make up for 300 quid. I've lost 400 quid. We're now going into a break while Lauren rings Meshki crying. I'm going to send them a DM of me crying and see what they say.

Welcome back. And we have got our fave. I've forgotten the song, so I'm going to kind of ad-lib. Slutty Susan. there's more there was more on it tell us your naughty stories so we're back with slutty susan which is where no matter what you've done don't panic send it to us cleanse your soul make your confessions get it out and we will repent of your sins and we will make you feel better because we have always done something worse okay go oh my god one for you slutty susan stories once when

my husband why are you reading it like that why you're reading like once when my husband you said i'm bad at reading you are i'm really conscious right try again once when my husband and i first got back together back in the early porn scene days i was giving him a blow job in the shower and all of a sudden i felt warm fluid in my well that's the end goal sweetheart so well done i thought this was very fast and literally happened as we first started so i thought he'd come already then suddenly it was the most awful metallic taste in my mouth we know what that is i knew instantly it was blood so i spat it out and was screaming then he starts screaming and we've been making just screaming and he's like what's all that blood where's all that blood

come from and i start heaving i vomit everywhere i'd clearly been too vigorous and snapped his banjo string just literally both of us in the shower surrounded by blood and vomit love that right okay so that is so funny and that's happened to so many people that i know so basically she's sucking him off things he's come it's blood she's what's she done spat it out no with the banjo string so it's where it's it's oh you look like you know very much i've never had my fucking banjo i'm just gonna put that extra clear i've never had my banjo it's the bit where have you ripped anyone else's no it's the bit where it connects the foreskin to the dick that little

you were just about to ask us to see why honestly something in my mind then went to turn to Lucas like just show me

and then I thought what are you doing okay so I is it the bit that they quite like to be licked yeah yeah okay

so that snap but it's very sensitive it can snap we're not going to lick that Lucas is shaking his head should we not lick that it's happened to quite a few of my friends

it snapped yeah what is it made of when they're younger they usually snap it themselves when they first discover wanking okay so what yeah anyway shush no one asked you man in the corner so this is what we say happens

and this is what happens so it snapped blood goes in her mouth she's then vomiting he's screaming she's screaming they're sick everywhere and blood everywhere i know that they i know that they um have been together since and they've got children now so i know that it was all right in the end um has anyone else snapped anyone's banjo before yeah i know people that have the next slutty and confession so i'm gonna make you feel better about that ashley said it's happened loads and you ended up getting to i think they got married they've got kids so whatever that's fine don't be embarrassed yeah next one so i was having drunk sex with a friend with benefits he was quite a few years younger than me and fwb halfway through as i was a what fwb fwb friends with benefits

um it was quite a few young years younger than me halfway through as i was about to get on top the words bite my balls slid out of his mouth i have a quick thought in my head did he just say that weird he must have a fetish but okay here we go so i got down there and chomped and chomped and turned turn them into purple grapes i'm not joking i chomped like i was biting through a cube of ice surely that's damaged his balls nothing was said and we carried on the next day texting and i was chilling with my friend i was out with and i was telling her the story we're pissing ourselves and on chewy texts my balls are sore today my friend's like yeah no wonder the freaky bastard he likes his balls munching i'll kick him in them for a few quid

if he wants so i reply well you did ask me to bite your balls hun i reply comes back slower than his normal two second replies what i must have meant to say suck oh no i'm done i'm laying on my back crying laughing screaming to my friend he meant to say suck and she chowed down on his balls nearly broke her composite veneers no so he's meant to say suck my balls but he could have stopped her at some point he could have screamed have you biting balls isn't i've never bitten a ball no have you built a bit in a penis no some men like a bite on the penis i kind of i am with like squeezing my bum yeah but like you know like people that put those clamps on their nipples yeah that's not a vibe no no no no it's not for me okay so slutty i don't think that was a slutty

season story i think that was a hannibal lecter story we love the confession i like it though so don't feel bad about it because you know we've cleared it up now he knows that you only bit them imagine if you'd never sent that text he would have thought that you're a ball biter so at least you cleared it up at least he texted you the next day yeah he said the wrong thing you bit his balls i think he was covering it up do you think he was covering him because he was embarrassed about it yeah because some guys like a proper kick in the dick with heels on and stuff don't they i've never done any of that shit have you no no i've never done i'm interested in that if anyone some people do it as a job don't they not interesting i think i'd be quite good at one of them

i would like to kick what's it called man in the balls a dom dominatrix that's just reminded me yeah yeah that's just reminded me of something um have you watched the handmaid's tale no but i've heard about it okay so i've watched one episode it's fucking weird is it shit i i love it i've watched one episode so yeah i'm just telling you that god it must be good if you're adhd exactly that's how weird it is i could sit and watch it when my mouth was open i was like so do you know what handmaiden is no so in this like cult i don't know if it's real life i've not quite worked it out yet the women are married and the men am i like the really um the commanders i think they're called they're like posh families and the mormon can't have children so they have

handmaidens and the man shags the handmaiden to make the baby but how it's done is the woman holds her arms back yeah the and then the the handmaidens in between the legs of the woman and the husband's having sex with it and she's holding them and they have the babies for them I think I've said this right

oh that'd be great wouldn't it what so you don't have to yeah you don't even have to have sex just hold on to her so I don't know any more

than that right now so I can't help you but yeah some information that I've found I'll tell you more you probably only like it because it had the sex bit

in it yeah it is because it's weird it's the weirdest thing I've ever watched so yeah enjoy that we've got loads of

we've gone from Aldi dupes to handmaiden weird stories and that's what this podcast is okay guys so we have got a slutty susan voice note here for you so let me set the scene so me and my boyfriend been together about two years uh we've been together two and a half years now so

um he stayed with me first and foremost that might set the scene a bit more so we've been um on night out and then we'd gone home and we've been having some red wine so i don't know if you ever had a poo than one after night before drinking red wine but it's black tar so we're having a bit of bum fun not my fave but you know when you wake up in the morning a bit pissed and you just think oh fuck it yeah let's go so we have the bum fun and i was like right let's get in the shower still feeling all a bit sexy you know so we thought yeah sorry let's get so we're getting the shower so i get in the shower awaiting his arrival and um i just i did a little trump you know you think you say if you're in the shower like it's just a trump yeah forgetting that my

arsehole was loose and i just as he walked in all sexy naked swinging his willy around i looked down and there was just this splatter this cow part of shit black shit from the red line and i just looked at him and i was like don't look down don't look down just started crying wet through in the shower just looking vulnerable as anything and i just started crying and i was I was like, don't look down. And he obviously looked. I was like, maybe it's fine. And I just got out the shower in a towel,

crying my eyes out, saying, you still fancy me, don't you? You still fancy me, don't you? He's like, of course I do, of course I do. Oh, I can't believe I just told you that, guys. But I just feel like you need to know. Excuse me. Thank you. Have a good day, girls.

Love you lots. Love you. Love you. Oh, my God, thank you. No, the way that she described it, a cow pat. A cow pat. A black cow pat of shit in the shower. whoever that is i love you that isn't uncommon and something along the lines has happened with

me over the years and uh yeah so the problem with doing anything with your bottom which we say every every time that is the risk and i you don't realize how much goes into that and like what effect it has on your bottom and stuff so she did a show red wine does make you do black poo yeah And then if you mix that up with sperm and it's stuck up your bottom. Yeah. But do you drink red wine? No, but that's not the point. No, I don't.

Oh, I'll drink anything. If it's there, I'll drink it, yeah. It makes your teeth brown, though. That's probably why my teeth are like tea bags. Shit, that's what it is. I thought it was the smoking. Why have I got black poos and black teeth? Black poo and black teeth.

Anyway, thank you for that. And they stayed together and he sounds absolutely lovely, you know. Yeah, I love him. love love okay so remember on nip tuck we want you to get your voices heard you can email us at hello at nip tuck pod.com you can also contact us via whatsapp that means voice notes too we love them we can then play them out in future episodes don't worry though if you want to remain anonymous we will do that you just need to let us know and we will not tell anyone who it is and we can warp your voice if you need to but if you want to send us anything and i hope you do because we've given

you quite a lot of things here we want the albie dupes we want the rude stories we want to know any suggestions for children that are misbehaving and money saving we've asked you for quite a fair and meshki can anyone get me my money because i need it on that note anyone that works at instagram just anyone who's giving out money really so just head to this week's episode the description you can get in touch with us there we want to hear back from you for sure okay so we'll be back with a bonus episode of nit tuck this friday and it's all about your ics and dilemmas so if you want to send something in now you may get to hear it on this friday's episode thank you so much guys see you on friday we will see you then that's if your operation goes all right because if it doesn't

you're not going to be there