Nip Tuck - I just need a sausage!

Episode Date: January 17, 2024

You think you know someone...and then you see a picture of their Sunday dinner!This week we're talking roast dinner icks, annoying bridesmaids, and small talk gone wrong!Hear why one of you guys threw away your knickers in a supermarket and of course we give you our tips and beauty advice.BONUS EPISODEOur bonus episode has moved to Patreon because it's got that juicy. Click on the link to sign up...https://patreon.com/niptuckpodTo get involved with the show, you can send us a DM on Instagram and TikTok, find us @niptuckpod.Music courtesy of BMG production music Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

guys hi and welcome to nip tuck not giving a fuck please excuse me i've got a little bit of a cough but anyway we are here and it's wednesday happy wednesday guys wednesday darlings we're about halfway through january now thank god it's gone quick hasn't it i hope it goes quicker i don't like do you so do you know that the actual highest um month of suicide is february so me and my mom because of valentine's day no me and my mom were talking about fucking hell mate we're talking about this yesterday because i was like oh january so depressing she was like actually it's february so i thought she was like you'd think it'd be jan and i was like no january sent them all people over the edge yeah like you've completed it mate and it sent you over the edge and then february

yeah so that is actually a true thing and i think a lot of my friends are feeling a bit shit at the minute oh my god did you know that the highest and again a real lie the highest um suicide rate what profession it is um i'm gonna say oh god stay at home mum's no is it no i'm joking i'm gonna say doctors dentists dentist it's a lot of bad breath oh yeah oh my god mate that is a shit job like looking in imagine like 99 of people are horrible i'm horrible so like i would not want to be my dentist um but do you know again really light and and jolly for you all to feel really good the highest country of suicide allegedly i might not be right but i believe is oh i nearly said it

you guess australia iceland because it is have you been to iceland no why me because people go it is dark you know how like at the minute it's really dark isn't there only like three hours of sunlight a day honestly that place is depressing i hate iceland we hate iceland no but yeah apparently that's true now whether it is or not i don't know google it but that's what i got told anyway oh okay well there you go in case you didn't know in case you've just joined and you're wondering why we're talking about such depressing shit this is the podcast where we celebrate being depressed in january positive aspirational in three months time ocean beach will be opening again you'll be okay girls you tried to convince me to go there for you and christina tried to

convince me to go there for a hen we still can i don't i've been on a few hendoos in ocean beach i don't want to do that are you so right okay guys let's start with lauren's wedding so we're gonna lead into oh have you got a plan so basically you've tried your wedding dress on you've had quite a heavy wedding few days yeah so on friday i went to stoke with my friend phoebe who works for no it's more like stoke stoke birmingham but it's not though i quite like a stoke stoke i quite like a stoke accent yeah i like a midlands accent actually not heavy birmingham but kind of like um yeah stoke i like it yeah so um i went there and i so i've got a uk wedding so obviously you have to do the registry office you have to if you're getting married abroad

you have to do the the uk one so basically go to registry office i'm going to the town hall in manchester and you legally get married have you booked that appointment yeah wow that was hard um so they make it actually really hard to get and then you have to have an interview as well you've got the interview questions that me and ed were telling you about it's registering the marriage is that the same thing and you both have separate appointments no it's the same one it's not right no maybe maybe we go separate no because when i got married we were going to get married like was it covid time still no it's so basically the appointment was to apply to get married yes i've got that booked this is the one with the questions though so i'm a bit confused so

basically you both go in separate rooms and they ask you some really fucking weird questions like what was your dad's first job i've only been with him five minutes i don't know no like me and ed rehearse them oh no i do know he won't he will not he is that kind of guy that loads of my friends husbands have like got them wrong or like forgotten to take a certain document oh my god the documents that you have to take i think i have to take my divorce one as well because if guys if you didn't know i was actually this is my second wedding in 10 years um i was married eight years ago but we call that the practice yeah whenever my mum mentions it she'll say well when we did the practice when we did the practice run um this happened that happened so yeah so you've got

three i would wear a suit to the uk one you're wearing a big dress nothing i'm wearing is a big dress i'm not a big dress gal right um you know you've seen is that the square what shush shut your mouth dress that's in the shape of a square shut your mouth is that that one though yes that we saw in the window yes stunning so the uk more of a shut up now christina she'd be really mean not that i care that much but i mean let's yeah so that's the uk one yeah so it's just chill total opposite vibe and then the so that one we've kind of sorted and the veil anyway it's exciting um and we're getting married there and you're gonna walk down the road like a knobhead i'm gonna have to how else am i gonna get there you're gonna love every single second

of that so i'm gonna do that and then i don't actually know what we're doing for the uk one i've my mum's not invited she's fuming she keeps going well if i was going no one's invited you just want it dead chilled yeah because right so i don't know if any other abroad wedding girls out there feel this when you get married abroad it's not even real you're already married it's a load of bullshit because you got married it's a party it's a party but i want that moment the walking down the aisle i want that this is their wedding now if you've all already been to my wedding then you're all like this is bullshit they're already married so i've said no one's going however afterwards christina also we're gonna go to the pub and i'm going to get pissed in whatever i'm

wearing in a pub oh my god that's just what i'm gonna do and then we're gonna stay at a hotel i don't really know we'll just see about that it's more for the pictures and the signature um you'll end up in china why in your wedding dress i will have ripped the thing into a big i'll have pulled it up so yeah we're doing that and then i've got obviously the uk where the a broad wedding dress which is totally opposite and i'm having a night dress as well go for it because it's listen i am pushing 34 when i get married i'll be 34 that is that is my last like i can't wear a dress after that oh well i've got no luck then you've already been married yeah i know but one day i might you are not renewing your vows after we've had this conversation

no i'm not so yeah that was fun it's all coming together yeah yeah i don't really have much more to say on it are you having bridesmaids no why right i've been careful because i've just been asked to be my friend's bridesmaid the year after my wedding no one's ever asked me because i'd steal the show yeah no one wants you to be the bride um okay so the reason i haven't had a bridesmaid is this i've got too many so i'm gonna be upset yeah like really i've got you and then i've got my girl group at home who i've known for 10 years there am i like sophie and dad there's too many it would be no and then we'd look stupid awkward like argue and also like but i'm just letting you know i wouldn't give a shit if you ask someone else to be your bridesmaid no but i

just think some people would though yeah and you know you wouldn't and i wouldn't but some people would so then i'd have 20 bridesmaids and that's just not secondly it's not about anyone else my friends are fit yeah yeah you know don't you look at my friends they're fit have i they i've told you my dress for your wedding is cream so it's not it's i'm taking the piss you know what no genuinely genuine i wouldn't care i'm not that precious fuck me um just don't stand near me but no i'm fine it's nice that dress really it's black actually i'm sure at one point you could black was a no to wedding yeah it did used to be like people were like it's not appropriate it's a funeral thing black is a hundred percent it's a stunning dress if i can find that in a

lighter color for one of my things then i will pre-wear it right so yeah no bridesmaids um just the girls as flower girls be big weddings my prediction is they're gonna be so out of fashion soon do you think 100 and what's gonna come inside i'm not a beach wedding girl i ain't might get married i don't know sorry to me even if it costs 100 grand it's i can't say it it's a beach wedding is just not for you i find it yeah i don't know i just i don't think on the sand up and down people are doing it as much do you i get why they're not it's a fucking waste of money yeah but also like like we were saying about bridesmaids honestly like i've got so many friends who have been asked to be bridesmaids and last year i know one of my friends

said yes to being a bridesmaid something like two or three times and then she had like five weddings that year oh good god i said i sat and added it up with my partner how much i've spent on other people yeah and she was like i'm not doing it again but then how do you say no to being asked to be a bridesmaid you can't i got once asked to be a god parent and said oh god no and did you actually say no it was i said yeah i thought we were talking the other day she said to me and we were talking about this the other day just to digress before you have kids you have no idea no about having kids so we used to work obviously at maya and we didn't have kids and a few people started to have the kids a bit older than us we were like we didn't get it so when they'd be like

no i don't really want to work a saturday because it's my only day off with the kids we used to be bitching like don't have fucking kids then or she'd be like i need to get i need to leave early because obviously you know i've got to get back for the kids and we'd be like don't have kids and we used to literally like don't have kids yeah and we'd sit in our office but we have to wait till 8 o'clock because you decided to have kids yeah and that is what we were like and such and such was ill again so i'm gonna have to go home we'll be like don't have kids yeah so and then you have kids and you're like oh and i sometimes want to message that particular person i'm sorry and also she asked me to be godmother and then we're in the back office and i was

on my computer probably hungover and she was like i've been thinking how would you feel about being blah blah's um god mother and i literally remember it now and i feel so guilty i literally went oh no not lauren and then i was like why would you want me to be someone's god don't give me that job fuck that and carried on my computer and she must have been like you that is my pride and joy and i'm offering this opportunity and i literally was like no get someone else to do it but at least you can say but the whole bridesmaid thing i think when you get picked to be a bridesmaid you just have to know that you're going to be added into a group chat full of people that you know you don't really i think it depends so i'm one of my best friends bridesmaids in 25 and

i was like do you know what i said to her i was like mate i'm gonna be a 35 year old bridesmaid and she went i'm gonna be a 35 year old bride and i was like oops um but we're close it'll be fine it's when you get different friendship yes and like you said you've got the groups of friends haven't you so you get added into a group chat then there is a massive massive like debate over such things as she does the bride pay for everyone's makeup on the day does the bride pay for the dresses does the bride pay for the shoes because what has happened with a couple of my friends for example and we all know the story as such is that you get invited to be a bridesmaid the bride will buy your dress and then you buy the accessories well i personally think you should

be paying for absolutely everything if you've had no no no then then the bride will say and i want you to all wear these shoes yeah that's not and they're like a pair of 80 quid shoes that you'll probably never ever wear again and it's her decision that you've got to wear them you've already had to buy certain underwear because you're wearing this fucking hideous slip dress in navy blue or something yeah then you have to buy your shoes that's then the bride will say hi i've booked makeup it's this much each yeah and you're like what the i'm trying to think how i i don't i can't i mean no you're a different thing though you're very very chilled yeah i don't remember the i think i bought the dresses and then i think i was like wear whatever shoes you want

there's always arguments as well about all the dresses we need to find my bridesmaid dresses because they were not nice people wanting to get alterations on the dress sometimes the bride can be a little bit what do you do if you've got a size 22 friend and a size six friend like that's difficult to get the dress right like i don't know it's hard isn't it yeah i don't know what they had to get makeup's an interesting one do you pay for the makeup i think so yeah or do you just say don't have your makeup done i just say if you want it done then it's this much i never wonder yeah i think what i would do is have mine done i'd be like look my makeup artist it if you want it and some people don't want it done like me i i am not the most and then there's

horrible updos like what the fuck no and then you've got to pay spaghetti swizzle also do you know like i've been in hen group group chats and stuff and then there's always the the chief bridesmaid or whatever and she goes like and obviously we have to pay for susan's dinner because it's her and you're like we're all having to fucking pay to go to susan's shitty ass wedding anywhere i don't have paper season's dinner no no i get it um but i think it just look i think it depends there's so many different situations if you've got a small group of girls you're all best friends it could be perfect if you've got different groups of people but yeah i'm not having any two flower girls they will do what i say they will wear what i say send in and they

will go down before me this is another question i always thought the bridesmaid were meant to go technically back in the day behind you to hold your dress so you went down the aisle and the bridesmaids i've seen some walking down they don't do it anymore the bridesmaid goes first now that is absolutely what you do mind it it used to be your bridesmaids were behind you holding the dress so here's my theory on why it swapped because the bride wants their moment yeah so not the bride coming down and then you're looking at all the girls behind her the girls come down then it's like then the drum roll please i'm coming out of these big massive well you're not feel really awkward like walking down the aisle no i've done it before no it just does it cringe you out christy

like the thought no way oh no it doesn't cringe me out lots of things cringe me out being a bridesmaid a little bit does at my age being the no and if you're a bridesmaid for example you can't like sit next to your partner no because you have to sit on the front all squished up yeah all that like in the same dress squished up to each other like this oh it's so silly anyway so we saw each other at the weekend um we were gonna go out and then we were like fuck this yeah so we were gonna go it's a lot going out isn't it i've got a bit of um i feel like so i think you have as well social anxiety um i partly because of what i did at sexy fish yeah like i can't do that again are we still talking about that that was what like two months ago i've not

been out since why because you're embarrassed from it are you scared it's gonna happen i'm scared i'm gonna do it again i remember how bad i felt the next day and i don't want to feel like that again so i've literally apart from just like you wanted to be sick yeah apart from the odd glass off i haven't been out since then no way you haven't you've been pregnant baby and shit but so we were meant to go to the market we're gonna go to all the markets yeah we have a few it would of it it would have got silly because don't get me wrong when we're out yeah we're fine yeah um but i think it's that knowing what you like and the pair of us don't have much self-control no so i think it's the fear of us together as well and what could happen we know what what we know what

could happen yeah it's happened before so i think that was the fear and then one of our friends that we were meant to see steph had something else to do she had to cancel and we as soon as she canceled she messaged and she was like girls straight away i was like to ashley right well we're not going out yeah never mind just okay i came to yours didn't i yeah and we were we were doing work i brought my laptop we were working all day like it was saturday we had no we were going to sit all day in our cozies yeah and we were going to work but we went for lunch ed took us for lunch yeah we did not work that was nice he was just like sat there like what the fuck are you two talking about you know what he's so lovely so he took us for lunch um and we went into

knutsford didn't we and we had like some tapas and he's just we don't talk about him much because different to james like you have him a little bit more private and we would talk about him but guys if you're wondering like who is this yeah eddie he's very quiet he's quiet but not he speaks when he needs to speak like he's not overbearing about oh my god so he's sat there he's lying on the sofa watching football obviously it's saturday where and you kind of forget that he's there yeah you forget you could just see some feet popping yeah we're sat having a wine and we're chatting away anyway the gossip gets quite juicy next thing you see his little face appear over the sofa who are we talking about there um men love it literally but he's absolutely lovely so we went

for lunch we recapped him on my load of stuff a load of my bad relationships and he was just like what and then every now and again you'd be like giggling and you're like what the fuck but it's really nice um and then we went back had a bit more wine yeah we didn't do one we didn't do any work no no i turned my laptop on once i think and then turned it off yeah so we did no work and then i went home and what did i do oh ate all the pringles and just facetimed you yeah so we didn't go out like we were gonna go out did we no and can i just say like yesterday i was so ill and all i wanted was a sunday dinner and i couldn't be arsed making one but i also couldn't be arsed leaving the house is the takeaway sunday i feel like a sunday dinner would not travel well

it's the gravy isn't it it's like the um yorkshire pudding wouldn't travel well the stuffing wouldn't it'd get a bit sweaty why didn't you go out you couldn't be arsed i've been so ill with this coughing and then also like the baby having to get all of its shit together like that takes like an hour getting the baby ready yeah and then by the time you're out they need feeding again or they've shat but then i was on instagram looking at other people's sunday dinners i have never taken a picture of my sunday dinner and it's worthy and it has looked appetizing even when it was i try every time it gets i've never maybe maybe once but i've never uploaded a picture i've tried to take the picture we're talking about home-cooked ones oh i'm not talking about

i'm just talking about in general um home-cooked ones oh they look awful i saw this one yesterday and it was fucking awesome like the it looked anemic the whole thing and also listen we all know how much we put on that plate yeah don't we don't need to see it like because you look at somewhere else you think you but do you know what when it's you it really surprises me as well like i think i know someone and then i see their sunday dinner and you think i don't know i don't know you at all you are not my cup of tea with the sunday dinners tell me and their cutlery and stuff do you look at that as well um i don't post mine for that reason um right tell me a couple of questions about sunday dinners right okay um and i want you to tell me whether it gives you the echo like

so rose um sorry yorkshire puddings what would give you the ick of them and what would be okay a big puffy one that's a little bit brown is stunning and we're here for that a small aunt bessie's froze at three of them literally perfectly formed aunt bessie's yeah ick ick yeah i agree um gravy um okay clear ish brown not too much yeah go um and then it would be swimming listen i have mine swimming yeah but i don't take a picture not for the picture swimming in either a very thick tar like gravy or a very thin urine like diarrhea like gravy gives me the ick okay um do you know what freaks me out sausages on sunday dinner oh i did something really embarrassing yesterday oh what oh so i was oh i'm still i think i've gone red so i was in

aldi really quickly in the shop saw my friend's husband i think married yeah i think they're married um hi michael you're right yeah just doing the food shop i don't really know what i'm doing here i'm not good i said well emma went vegan didn't she recently it must be difficult doing it yeah yeah and then i just went well it's hard isn't it and and she went yeah it was like it's the kids isn't it and i went god jay imagine having four there's no chance and then as i walked away i turned and shouted to him i just need a sausage why why i didn't mean it like i genuinely meant i can't do that because i just and it's the only meat i could think of and i shouted in aldi i just need a sausage and then he just went

and i went and i just literally went and then i just went i could have just left it there and i went oh so to speak or so to say or so so so to speak and then just went down the weird aisle with all weird shit being feeling like a piece of weird shit myself oh my god and i messaged his wife straight away and i just said something really weird to michael please apologize i was voice noting someone saying thank you and it's someone that i don't know that well for a gorgeous present for snow and i was in the hairdresser and because i've had like this illness i'm on all these don't you think cold and flu drugs make you feel a bit fucking i took two the other night just to make you feel weird so i was recording myself i was like thank you so much for snow's gorgeous

present blah blah blah blah and then at the end i didn't know how to say goodbye and i went stay safe and she's not replying back to me what do you say stay safe it's like do you remember in covid do you remember in covid when everyone used to say to each other stay safe stay safe like but why am i saying stay safe i'll say thank you so much for the gorgeous baby grow i hope you and your family are all well stay safe like am i okay she must have thought oh she sounds terrible she might have thought she's post patrim post patrim she's having a post pay patrium what fuck how bad is that how embarrassing when i saw my ex um outside aldi it's always aldi and he was with

we buy any car oh and i went to him hi you all right he's like yeah and i was like selling your car yeah and i went make sure you knock them down and then just walked off and he just went will do and i thumbed up make sure you knock them down it's like that and it's always how bad is it in the supermarket when you see someone you don't know that well and then every aisle you fucking bumping into each other and you're like do you secretly look what's in the shopping trolley and then think i thought i knew you and if i see some aunt bessie's i'm like you're off no i completely agree i think sunday dinner back to the point sunday dinner any do you know what make ketchup weird can i tell you something that's really nice but again don't take

a picture of it ketchup with shepherd's pie i bet you don't eat shepherd's pie no no no no it's not your not you kind of thing no when we went when oh my god so when we went for our tapas um the cafetiere thing was funny oh yeah she came around and actually i was surprised that i didn't know and she said to ed ed said i'll have a coffee please and she was like that's fine it comes in a cafetiere so okay and he went yeah yeah no it wasn't it comes and she went we've only got coffee yeah then she said to me and he went yeah yeah yeah and then she said to me and then i'll have you were like i want an americano and she went we've got cafetiere and i went yeah yeah and then we all went silent for a bit and i went what the fuck's a cafetiere and ed went don't know

and i went me neither and it's the way it turned out we went oh you push it down it was really funny but i think so i've got this after that and i didn't eat loads i mean not for me you said you needed a poo so you had to go home so i went well i was like just go in my bathroom no no i didn't go home because of the poo yeah i just needed a poo but i would have pooed in yours no problem um so anyway get home and i've got the runs right well this establishment would not be on hygienics it was nothing to do that it's because the food was too posh for you i think my stomach couldn't take the sk postcode yeah is it sk in cheshire wa oh what's sk i used to go out with someone um yeah that's how i got sk yeah i feel like my stomach was like whoa yeah you've gone past

rotten stall fucking hell this is organic and it was like you cannot too rich too rich Too posh. Get back to Rottenstall. Too posh. And my stomach, like, all the bacteria in my stomach were like this, like... What is this?

Chicken liver and barf, right? And they were like, give us a burger. Pine and a pie. Pie, we need pie. And I feel like my stomach inside was literally, ah-ah, too expensive.

Remember where you're from. What, and you've just had the shit? Literally. were like my stomach was literally like too expensive you're from rotten stall never forget that i need to remember where i'm from because my stomach could not take that maybe it was a cafeteria anyway so the runs oh it lasted days dead days a really bad win so james is back from holiday today so he will be back i don't know what time it is but he will be dead is he drank clothes

no i mean he has drank the first night he was so pissed that he weed in the oven yeah um it's like they're in this little apartment one of the lads was like what's that noise got up james why do men always do wheeze when they're really in weird places my dad used to do it yeah um in the cupboards and stuff yeah yeah i don't get it um so we weed in the oven but other than that my dad used to wee in the cupboard maybe we need to cut that it's a bit weird is that weird no it's fine um god bless god rest his soul um so anyway we used to do like weird stuff and i feel like men do weird wee-wees yeah they do it's when they're drunk and not somewhere like you know have you ever though slept at someone's house been a bit discombobulated and woken up and been

like put banging on the walls and trying to get out have you ever done that like got out the wrong side of the bed and be like yeah um anyway so he's do you know what god bless him he stayed in contact with me the whole time they do constant facetimes like i've been pretty busy facetiming me messaging me pictures will he tell you all the gossip from the trip when he gets home or does he not genuinely i don't think it was that i'd like i'd say if it was bad i think if they'd gone to but from what i can gather they were fucked they skied all day yeah and they were really tiring so he said it's expensive he enjoyed it and he said he's gonna have his stagner i was like absolutely another one darling fine if you want to go there and have your stag there

let them fucking bend it on but isn't it in summer is it not snowy all the time though it's we're both looking at christina no what no people ski all year round no skiing season ends soon you can't just he's been happy he's fucking taking the piss he's been having me off i bet he was going to his mates yeah i'll tell him his stag's gonna be yeah yeah and they're all going wink wink nudge nudge so a listener she knew what was going down and she sent us a message him okay she needs some advice okay girls my boyfriend is going on a lad's trip to benidorm in april should i be worried he said that this is going to be chilled if you're having a chilled holiday you ain't going to benidorm yeah so what i suggested you get into

your mind right now that this is not a chilled holiday so what you need to understand about man language and something that i've learned they're never going to change they're never going to change so don't get yourself irate and pissed off about it it is what it is don't say you said it was take listen to this you said it was going to be chilled it's not so instead of trying to make them understand what assholes they are just accepting your mind now it's not going to be chilled so when james said i probably won't drink when he was smashed the first night i knew that yeah and he's the same with me i say stuff like that and then yeah yeah fine when i said i'd come to yours and i've been doing work he was like did you just get pissed i was like yeah yeah yeah and

it's fine um so understand it's not going to be chilled so don't give yourself an expectation and then there's no disappointment yes he's probably going to be getting smashed leave him to it if i mean i assume we're talking about like cheating here do girls go to bennett or i'd like to go to do you know what i had an idea that we should go to somewhere like that like maybe old beach or somewhere and do a live pod if you're listening can we go and do one with linica and do a live pod and then get the girls to come over turn up as well that would be fabulous and i've got his number yeah so i could ask um imagine like and then the we get the guy's stories like yeah like and we keep it anon but we're like right tell us the truth how many girls have you shared this

holiday let's i think that would be really funny they have to sign consent yeah because they'd be drunk can we do right back to this girl okay advice listen like you what you need to realize girls is this any of my friends that are going through this and they're like fretting over the boyfriend or partner husband whoever because it can happen at any stage in your life not just seeing each other etc i say you do your own thing keep yourself keep yourself busy so if he's booked to go away you book to go away at the same time you book the friend what i the way i used it is the things that i've like think of the friends you've not seen because you never have time yeah book them in yeah do the shit you can't do with him or you don't do with him go away go to your

mate stay at your friends get your hair done get yourself busy busy busy for the whole time that's the first thing isn't it stay distracted stay distracted secondly if they are going to misbehave they'll do it down the road or in benidorm they will do it they've got it in yeah and they will do it no matter where they are or who they're with so you peppering their phone and saying text me when you get in no isn't gonna stop a cheating man from cheating yeah so don't do it to yourself And the more you tell them not to do things, the more they go and do it. Absolutely.

And if you want him to text you when he's in and he doesn't, that doesn't mean he's been cheating. We all get... He might have just got blind drunk. We all get blind drunk. So don't start that thing. And he could also have gone and shagged a girl, come back and text you,

I'm home, babes. Yeah. So don't try. And also, he is allowed to go out like you're allowed to go out. The best relationships that I know of literally always make sure they both do their own thing every now and then. I remember I was in a relationship with...

person i was talking about before actually and it almost felt like it was either be a boyfriend and girlfriend or be a be a single friend there was no i used to like well why can't i go on girls holidays you go on boys holidays i go out you go out we enjoy all that and we enjoy a relationship together why can't we have it all because it always felt like it was like if you're with someone you're not allowed yeah and i think you need to have that and as well you'll miss him wait till comes back oh yeah little willy between his legs because he's hung over he want james is desperate to see me and i just just let him do it if like lauren said see what happens but don't push him don't don't kill yourself do you know what i haven't once upon a time i think it depends who

you with i would have been that person with certain exes that i would have so he was in folly deuce is it yeah i would have been on everyone's story that was at folly deuce and i really holding it looking for him in the background on in certain relations that made me mental i would have been searching what do you do you see something stay with him obviously but yeah do you know what i mean where i was with james i didn't i didn't do any of that and i think it depends who you're with but also you're just only going to be worrying and making yourself feel shit at home what is the actual point in that and if he doesn't contact you the whole time then you just remember that when you go away because also what i here's another idea if he's going away to

benidorm in may you go away in june and yeah and then he's set the he's set the bar you set the bar sweetheart and what you do i will follow i will follow your lead yeah you're you're making the rules here james yeah yeah and now james means if you know i am gonna have to stay in contact but we're not going but can we can we look at abitha because that'd be so funny yeah let's go okay guys we are back into our second week of 2024 we hope you are loving the new and hopefully i personally think improved i'm i'm so comfortable but there have been a few slight changes like ashley space yes a few teeny tiny tweaks for the better i'm mine so basically if you want to two episodes a week it's really really easy and they are very very fun salacious so head over to

our instagram there's a little link in there you sign up to our patreon and you will get the x rated episode which we release every friday and it is true i said a lot of stuff in the last one that i that i've been holding back and not said because i've been scared he would listen it's enjoyable though it's fun it's it's extra silly yeah so it's it's the nip tuck extra episode and you just need to sign up to patreon really easy and you will be able to listen to that there it's also very interactive over on our patreon so you can ask questions you can post pictures we're gonna do throwbacks of all time it's a very safe space oh my god yeah i said that didn't the other week so yes oh my god shit so we've not told everyone about the lucas stuff and the

production changes yeah okay have we did we do it on the bonus i can't remember right it's all there on the bonus there's nothing salacious i keep i love that word today salacious um but we explain it all over there um and the switch up that we've had in our studio yes i love the studio i'm so comfy it's very comfy and we've got our gorgeous new producer christina so you'll hear us talking more about her she's so us yes very us um so yeah sign up to patreon speaking of the bonus here is a little preview of what you can expect on this week's oh my god listen to this what i'm just thinking whether i can say this or not i think i can they put a condom on a foot and she sat on the bar and and footed the woman then she ended up anally in the end of the night

anally fistinger be very careful because he's a very scary man he's i doubt he's signed up for patreon as well but let's right guys we are going into a short break now we will be back with some bargain beauty questions hacks dupes tips we're talking about under eye bags and with farts as well so off we go right guys welcome back so lauren i read an article yeah i'm gonna read you some top bits while you're finding that can i just say um i have got a stunning i really like this foundation um do you stunning it's nice isn't it who did you hear about it off so i did a collab with style link and boots and i could order whatever i wanted so i thought i'll just like within a

certain i thought i'll just try it and i actually really really like it so i've linked it today um it's the two chicla ah i don't know which one it is if there's a couple um yeah does no one use that anymore it doesn't work does it not fair everyone used to love it once you think we've just come a long way since then yeah i've linked i've got it on my thing it's actually it's really nice i really like it sticks in your lines but no i have heard that their foundation's good i like their primer some people don't i don't really right so i've got an article here that just wanted to whiz through please the way all you like so the viral stuff are hot rollers not for me peel off lip tints the fenty one isn't it is everywhere charlotte who does our skin had

one on and it was from illamasqua it was black and it peeled off it's meant to be like a berry color she had like like red wine lip yeah but it wasn't red wine lip it was like full gothic lip and she couldn't get it off what the hell right so these items have been ranked like the top products okay the ordinary cleanser we hate the ordinary so i like the red stuff oh the dragon peel no the red thing yeah you're meant to put that on your feet some people say yeah yeah um um l'oreal invisible fluid spf 50 not used not heard never we were talking about l'oreal the other week though um let me have a look rms sunscreen never heard of that brand same and these are like the top sellers yeah um hydration peptide cream from shawnee darden never heard

what is this um summer fridays have you used their stuff no i've used their jet lag mask so one of their products has been fridays yeah you will recognize that brand yeah i do they do a really nice um lip balm as well the packaging at first was shit but they've changed it lip balm for me is elizabeth arden always have you tried any of the road stuff you don't like it tell the truth um i bought the peptide lip things because they look so instagrammable yeah but they're like 40 quid with the shipping basically for one and it felt like it had a bit of like it's an okay product 40 quid though you want fantastic it's because i honestly use elizabeth harden eight hour cream on my lips and it's we got the little um stick one of that and it's really nice i've

always use that that's all i use really always because i only put lip liner on oh my god i think i don't think i've got any on i always put lip liner on and then that that's all i ever use on my lips now we don't like this foundation we're not doing well mac serum powered foundation no i've not tried that one i haven't i like mac face and body now and again everyone's saying that that foundation is absolutely amazing ashley i just feel like mac's had its day same do you know i mean i think a lot of we've overtaken mac yeah and is it just right has it had its day or have we got ptsd from the old days from the makeup we used to have done when we were in our 20s every friday and how horrific that was are we've we got ptsd from that probably also another thing that's

meant to be coming in absolutely massive is the color peach on your eyeshadow oh i don't know how i feel about that that's giving that's giving those pink eye those have you ever had pink eye it's fully true what that sperm gives you pink fully i oh my god i've had it twice right james did one oh right and your whole eye goes bright red it i remember being like it stings so it's not a myth it stings so bad there must be something in the sperm like well there is but like apart having babies and oh my god it stings so bad right let's tear you away from this conversation anyway it really hurts okay um obviously the drunk elephant drops that everyone i've not tried them have you yeah i've got them i prefer the siate london one because

they've got glitter in them don't like that i think at our age you're best staying away from the glitter darling and look a little bit at over 30 we don't want glitter on the crow's feet we know i highlight that area um the makeup by mario concealer everyone goes crazy for it uh we both have the palette yeah but i just find shopping for concealer or foundation online really really really difficult agree but then i use that foundation yes website which is really really good um rare beauty mascara i got it and i used it and i really didn't rate it i'm not big there's not i don't love my i don't i haven't this brand is going to be massive this year tower 28 never heard of it yeah so they do a spray that all the american tiktokers are like

obsessed with right um amelia 8d1 as well where it kills germs so you spray it on your face and it just like gets red do you know what i have yet to find so guys help me out i have yet to find a good setting spray so there's the charlotte tilbury one that everyone like wanks off and then there's the urban decay that everyone wanks i love the urban now i have used both of them yeah and other than making my freshly curled hair damp yeah which i hate how do you spray it on your face without getting it in your hair um it i can't say that it made any fucking difference to how long my makeup stayed am i doing it wrong have you used the milk makeup one no that's really good what and is it meant to keep your makeup on so i when i went for my makeup once with um you know amelia after every

layer she did she sprayed shit loads of setting spray on and had a fan like a proper fan and dried it and that makeup stayed amazing yeah muas give us a little advice on this because i feel like a lot of people would benefit from us like how much do we use and when do we do it and like do you spray on your beauty blender i saw you do that so i did it the other day i was like ashley did this have you heard of this brand which is also like in the top products the kayali no all the packaging at the minute is very um minimal it's very pastel isn't it yeah i think huda beauty owns that um yeah so basically there's loads of stuff here that i haven't heard of all that we haven't you know what i struggle enough with makeup

without all these new i can't keep up isn't it hard and i also think with makeup a huge factor to this is the base you begin with and your skincare so you could have like an two products one's amazing one's not as good but if you put them onto a skin that where the skin isn't skinning yeah and looking really really looking after it it's gonna look good but you could have a certain day where you put it on your skin you really looked after it i think application is key as well application i'm not good at that like really with some concealers and foundations you should use a brush then you should use a sponge and i don't know what i don't and i would love someone to tell me right someone sent a question in for us okay send your questions in guys because we

are always around to answer them what is good for bags under your eyes i don't have them i do i you do this all the time i don't get that so no but i don't think i do i don't either i'm sorry i don't think i do i can help you out with pigmentation with a bit of spot here and i don't i don't think anyway i have the crepey wrinkly skin but i've never struggled with a hollow eye a bag under my eye or particularly a dark under my eye i'm not that's not a problem of mine mine are hollow and dark sometimes i don't think mine but for a bag okay so that is basically you've got fat pads yeah my only answer here is surgery and so one option would be a lower bleph which you've had your lower blephs done so you must have had a bad no i tell you what

happened with that what the just before i was getting marked up i was like do you want to do my lowers and he was like you oh so you had upper and lower well i said you don't need that he was like you've got nothing there i was like just do it anyway and um this is as i'm being marked up for my uppers and he's like we could so i never had a pad so actually i promise you i look absolutely it did absolutely is it i don't even know what happened during the operation on my on my lowers because yeah there was no ask if anything came out he didn't take anything out there wasn't there was nothing i do not know what happened so you can have your lower I highly recommend you can have your lower blephs done but obviously you know you just want like a quick fix

i'm guessing so the eye gel patches are really really good keep them in the fridge so if i'm ever having a day where i feel a bit puffy then i go in the fridge and get out some gel under eye pads lymphatic massage lymphatic massage like gua sha and all of that even it yourself if you go on youtube um there are different ones and you can whenever you put your makeup on sorry your face creams on you can actually do yeah basically pushing the fluid away from that collection area yes and then also um you could do the under eye skin boosters but i think they puff your under eye more mate they can cause edema i think so which makes it a little bit worse i think it depends what the problem is if you've got that almost pouch look yeah i would absolutely not

be having any under eye filler because what it does then is the under eye filler sticks to the molecule of the water which you've already got and you get water retention and you get water retention if they are hollow maybe or crepey and you need a bit of moisture there but if you have bags yeah i would not be lasers are really good as well to tight basically if you have laser or like fraxel or something under here it shrinks everything up and tightens i am looking for something for my under eyes soon yeah something for the crepey skin not for just a tight in the i'd say a laser like a resurfacing it's very very very painful do you have an under eye cream that you swear by yes i do the abagi under eye brightening cream not the elastiderm i hate

the elastiderm i quite like it the under eye brightening cream actually just takes away any darkness out of you no but i don't want it for that i'm writing in now i want it for hi ashley can you help me i love the pod i have creases under my eyes yeah because it's got a retinol right okay so if it's got a retinol in it it'll make the skin like thank you yeah there you go love you also do you know what i think the best thing for bags under eyes is a really nice pair of glasses it's true i think staying indoors yeah just not facing the public don't see anyone right or giving eye masks to people that look at you we've got a fart that haunts you do you want to read it out i'll read the long ones darling hello huge fan of the pod especially

when you ask guests about a fart which haunts them it got me thinking about a fart which haunts me and it haunts me to this day it was a saturday morning i was in the kitchen making a smoothie oh that kind of girl when i felt a rumbling in my tummy believing it'd just be a trump i'm like one go much to my horror a full-on cow pat which has never happened before and which i can only assume was a as a result of the antibiotics i was taking at the time i was mortified i shoveled past my boyfriend to the bathroom to assess the damage it was not a pretty sign can you imagine what a face probably dropped like

good morning I'm making a smoothie in the kitchen where you going anyway she shuffled past him and she assessed the damage after scraping out and flushing away the contents of my knickers

I had to jump straight in the shower to clean myself up but what do I do with soiled knickers I couldn't put them in the wash basket I couldn't put them in the bin in case my boyfriend discovered them and knew I dropped my guts I promptly double bagged them and I told him I was popping to Tesco for some bread and milk arriving to Tesco in the car I grabbed my handbag tick my club card tick my bag of shitty knickers tick and I strided confidently towards the store exclaiming morning to the trolley collector as I

slung my shitty knickers into the bin and headed inside i was both disgusted and amused at the same time what is my life my boyfriend to this day has no idea when i returned home with a pint of milk and a loaf of hovis and still doesn't to this day i still chuckle to myself at least once a week about this story that is please keep me in on i can just imagine her morning swinging oh my god and can you imagine like the anxiety of traveling what about um your friend that you met that did did the same poodle pants in the car was going into london had to bag them but then had to leave them in the car all day no no no it's my friend that's a makeup artist i'm not naming any names um and basically she was driving into the city center to do a hen do party and it was really

really bad um traffic and it was a heat wave anyway she said that she fully got the urge like she needed the shit yeah like sweating you know don't use the sweats and she went in the back of a car because the windows were tinted and there was a tesco bag and she did a massive shit in the tesco bag cleaned herself up and she had like 10 bridesmaids to do right so she was like in a massive rush yeah and where are you gonna put it she's late already so she had to leave it in the car and she said she forgot when she got back to the car she opened the door and she was like and she had to drive home with this big steaming shit that do you remember when you had to run around that house with the poo in your hands

yeah i um had been at i mean you might have heard this story before but we've got a new listen this is one of my crackers this and it wasn't long i can't really say what it was because i don't think i'm actually do listen i think oh yeah they do listen so i was at someone's house and we'd gone back the night before after a night out and i don't know what happened in the night i'd be honest i can't remember um but i woke up but i woke up in the morning and he went to the shop to get some i think it was coffee do you think men do that because they just know you need a shirt no they're not that nice and off he went and as soon as the door shut i thought i'm gonna do trump now that i've been holding for ages now something in me as i did the far as i

let the fart go told me to cup my hand under my bottom and i don't know what it was god was looking down on lauren so i literally i was sat on the bed and i went oh and in my hand was a watery now god knows what happened i don't want to say what i think might have happened in the night um thinking about it now it would explain a lot because i don't get the shits very often so something came out with a load of poo in it and as i did it it splashed onto my chest so how did it get onto his chest you know but i had like splashes of it down my chest in my hand and i was like this in the bedroom the bedding like fully white and the guy was quite ocd and i was like so i ran across the landing naked naked and as i was running i was trying to spill it

and it was on my chest and i was going across the landing and i think he's going to come back any minute i've got this handful of two like like it was like what's the waste called that waste extra terrestrial waste yeah and i threw it into the toilet cleared my chest and then i thought he's gonna come back so i checked that there wasn't another squirt because obviously and then cleared myself up got back on the bed round two would you like some more are you not panicking yeah i ran with the poo across the landing i can see it now um and i've never done that kind of thing so i don't know why that happened i couldn't only imagine what had happened the night before um but yeah and i'm just forever grateful because imagine if i hadn't popped that hand underneath

what would i honestly right okay i feel like my dad was looking down on me he's like you have like put your hand under your bum if you hadn't put your hand under your bum and you'd have done a small size shitty right okay i'll tell you what i would have done go on gone in the bathroom and got a flannel with some soap on it and rubbed off and then i've got a hair dry and dried it there's no time mate he would have been no i what would you do did he have a dog yeah i would have said the dog jumped on the bed no i okay so potentially i would have stripped the sheets and put them in my car and drove not drove off and just never answered never messaged him again the second option would be i would have ran downstairs made myself a tea ran upstairs

thrown the tea and said oh my god i was really thick or coke diet coke yeah spill it all on yeah um that's it oh there was a time when a friend of mine rang me she had pooed in someone's bed oh yeah it was the guy we were talking about christina uh i can't really tell you without we were talking about him the other day yeah and she pooped in his bed and he was fingering He was fingering her at the bottom, and she was, he was fingering her at the bottom. Why was he doing that? It's nice. No, it's not.

They'd been on recreationals, so I think things were looser than perhaps may be, and as he pulled out the thumb or finger, the suction dragged a lot of poo power. A lot of poo. Well, they carried on making love until the smell, and it was dark, so you wouldn't know, and it's all very wet, there's a lot of moisture going on. so what happened when they turned the lights on she obviously was like oh my god we were only really young as well in our early 20s it was did he laugh or not no no he he was like oh and she was like oh my god oh like you would be um and he was like it's fine it's fine she said he was

quite he wasn't rude he was it's fine it's fine but it wasn't fine he stripped the bed and put his sheets in the washing and she said then he they both just turned other opposite ways and went back to like that was it there was no more it wasn't like fuck it let's and james would have been like ah now that's out the way let's go again no he kind of wasn't that kind of like guy so they rolled over separate ways and that was it and she texts me saying you need to come and get me now i'm in the apartments was she really right now i've pooed the bed and i was like what she's like i'm with blah blah i have shat in the bed come now our other friend got to her before me because obviously i'm miles away from town and she just sobbed in the car and i

think he told a couple of people as well i think i don't know if she listens she's still my friend like we don't speak now but um like she's well old at least she's got kids and stuff but i wonder if that was i would love her if you do listen babe message me do you find it funny now or still know um i think things like that you'd never find funny i think that's never gonna be funny no i think it's you're always gonna be known as shitty knickers i wonder how long that went on for i like how long people i wonder who still knows about that anyway thank you for listening guys we love stories of such story time send them in and remember on nip tuck we need you we are nothing without you sending all your bits and bobs your hacks your dupes your tips your

tricks and your questions yeah you can be personal over on the bonus on patreon we are going to be a little i mean i don't think we could be any more open let's be honest but there are certain things that we will touch on more i think it's a lot cruder and i feel like i feel a lot like not everyone's listening so i'm a bit more even looser than i am now so speak if you go into our bio there is a link and if you tap that it will show you how to sign up for patreon so you can get your extra episodes and get involved over on there we're going to be uploading loads of fun bits so yeah thank you you can get emma's girls lauren stop talking sorry i was thinking about something else okay and don't forget to give us a five star rating and review over on wherever you listen to

podcasts and yeah we will see you love you