Nip Tuck - Issues & Happy Tissues

Episode Date: August 24, 2022

Girls we are back with some huuuge news… One of us is going to be on a TV show!  Plus Ashley’s had some new surgery and she can’t wait to share it with you all.  Lauren has already broken her own rule and can’t resist sharing pics of her new man.  PLUS, bf’s wanking…thoughts?And we want to tell you all the AMAZING prizes you can win that us girls have sorted for you. To get involved with the show, you can send us a DM.  We’re on Instagram and TikTok, find us @niptuckpod.Or you can email [e-mail] Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hi guys and welcome to knit tuck and not giving a fuck welcome to the podcast where we celebrate being positive aspirational women don't we Lauren we do and I think you are very aspirational oh my god stop do you want to be like me no I want to be like me I don't want to be like you I need to say something what why have you got your ears pierced three times oh are you 15 like you put a picture the other day and I was like she's got three earrings what the fuck

are you going through a fucking moment are you going to have one of those like bright coloured extension pieces coming through like in streaks

yeah why I don't know I just thought right so I've got some earrings with the kids initials on

I know what it is you've got too many pairs of diamond earrings and you can't wear you want to wear them all at once it's easy having the diamonds on me

on you yeah okay well I noticed that and I thought it was do you not like it no i like it i just it's really like not me no not you you're not cool like that no i'm not cool like that no not really how many do you have how many holes do you have do you have three i've got

so did you when you were younger yeah did you i pierced my own lip right no did you not know that so you know in your vagina you have a vagina hole and then a p-hole in the vagina hole and then a The clit was the wee hole. So I didn't know that you had a wee hole in your hole. Inside, yeah. I think most men don't know that. They think the wee just comes out of the hole, not out of the mini hole.

Yeah, there is a tiny hole. There's a tiny, it's a urethra. I've had mine widened. I've only discovered that when I am trying to squeeze for a wee and I have to pull my tampon out and then you feel... Why do you have to pull your tampon out? Because I can't wee, my tampon is like in and full. I have to squeeze or then you really need a wee

so I have to take it out. So you take your tampon out at the time of wee. we're digressing here we're totally digressing right so on Nip Tuck we want you girls to get your voices heard we want you guys

to be as involved as possible honestly the stuff that I've been sent this week I've been like crying it's savage

you're all fucking savage you're mental like they're like us though but that's what I love like we're all like discovering we're all like it's like a group of us

dirty little whores so you can send us a DM we're on Instagram as well and TikTok and you can find us on at niptuckpod

so please send everything over and you can email us as well can't they Ash the email is hello at niptuckpod.com so get in our inbox guys we want to know everything

what's been getting on your tits what's giving you the ick any other little bits that you think you know us by now so anything you think we're going to find funny

anything we're going to love send it over any questions embarrassing stories dilemmas like if you've got boy issues if you've got a funny night out story if you've got a funny sex story we promise as well it is

all absolutely anonymous the only person that ruins their fucking life is us yeah we're not confidential but this is yeah so we're back in the studio today we are back in surgery we're calling it in surgery because it does like guys it's quite clinical i feel like we're in surgery we're operating but yeah we're in surgery welcome this is a very safe space

yep and we're going to be very honest and we're going to go from there can I just ask you a question yeah have you had glam today have you had your makeup done

a tiny bit right what's a tiny no no no a tiny bit you either have had your makeup done by a makeup artist this morning or not

yeah I have right this is unfair I need to tell you something this like recording thing yeah the videoing thing is making my life really difficult so i have to wash my hair like i'm used to coming in i mean yeah mate same you've seen how i used to come in you've had your makeup done and i've done my own and i feel like it's really unfair so now i'm not allowed to because you can't no and i've tried really hard today with my makeup

and i still look like i've just done the fucking marathon look i'm like wet through i look like i've just come out the sea i've not got lashes on or anything it was literally like a really quick glam okay because i've been recording for a tv show i already know but no one else does i mean it's not like a massive deal it fucking is it's not it is so this brings me back to like the glam thing i've never done anything like on tv or you know i'll record like the odd instagram story with a paris but it's actually you use more than a paris yeah it's a me and you face too well anything Hollywood

face up it's a heavy and that's what we used to so obviously I've been filming and when you're on camera like I can't explain number one the heat

number two the long days number three it picks everything up I would be a wreck I'd be watching myself back thinking I'd throw myself off a cliff I'd be like you ugly

bitch and I'd jump I've not seen any of it back yet but I probably will look horrific you will look horrific I will and I've got like ten pairs of

Spanx on because I think i started filming when teddy was four weeks old wasn't it yeah yeah actually so i'm probably half the size now yeah i'd be fucked because the camera is what 10 pounds okay i've gained 10 on my fucking own so imagine then the camera hello hello yep can we um no it needs to be the show do you know what it is what it is and i filmed it we've not said what it is yet know what it's a reality tv program cheshire you guess put two and two together baby can you guess what it is yet um so i'm a celebrity get me out here in cheshire i've gone in as a guest okay

because i do not have enough time for that what does that mean so i think they film it over like a 12 week period i've gone in halfway through because obviously i had the baby the day before they started filming okay and um you really have to like because it is reality yeah it's like it's a full life kind of thing so that's like 24 7 they can't plan can they like what's gonna happen this is the story like you're you need to be here at this time and they tell you the day before so anyway it is reality and the storylines take like a twist and it could mean that you're filming with a certain person the next day or

so you just never know never know so obviously with like childcare for a newborn baby it's too much even though you've got 10 nannies

like it's a lot I've only got two okay no but even with that like it's you need to tell the nannies when to turn up yeah

it's a lot of like night time stuff okay as well anyway this is boring what's everyone like who do you hate do we hate anyone

because if you hate them I hate them who do we hate I know who we hate there's one that I don't like guys you can see um we'll we'll give you a little heads up when my episodes are gonna be yeah and then i've not seen them ash you've not seen them so we're literally i said i don't want to see them no i agree because

you can't go back so fuck it it's out there do it so it's like when we recorded the first pod i didn't listen so it was like they've said it now and it's more real so what we'll do people like it they like it so on is it what day is it on is it on like a monday i think it's and then we can discuss it on our pod after that's brilliant this works perfect this works great so yeah so we've done that and then actually it's gonna be we're getting famous no and i oh my god the sun i got my ass smacked for that yeah you got bent over and beaten for that didn't you yeah i don't blame i don't blame you so we've done it right why have we not learned from this we have done a press story before and that wasn't good either we're never talking we're never talking to the press

again so the first time we did it everything gets twisted and they put it out to us they're like you know you're all about like female empowerment so we're like yeah yeah and we're like great so we did this full interview where we're like we're empowering women with this with that and then we end up on the front page in bikinis women who spent 60 000 pounds on surgery and we're like what so that happened again we did a full interview really didn't discuss teddy's birth much and then you got it all off my instagram we discussed the birth but like and it ended up oh my god it was the picture of you and teddy at the sip and see wasn't it was the sip and see so me, Ed and Ted

on the sympathy and I'm wearing like you're wet mate I'm gonna be honest you looked insane the picture is chavvy the picture didn't it was a chavvy picture

you looked like a chavvy family someone trolled me I bet they did but I don't give a fuck anyway because also Ted also had Fendi on

yeah but that party was not a kids party no there was no kids there how long was he there for he got wheeled out for 10 minutes

everyone looked at the baby and I was like yeah yeah yeah I think I've seen him and then the nanny took him away so this is the thing with sip and see right i obviously like i was pregnant for like over a year because i had that

miscarriage and then i got pregnant again straight away so i didn't want a baby shower because i was so anxious before like i just wanted the baby to be here safe so that you before you could start doing anything so then me and ed were like fuck it let's just have a party because it was like my first time i could like have a drink be around all my friends amazing it was amazing so there was no kids allowed there was no kids there so it's a sip and see to see the baby and nobody saw the fucking baby for like two minutes i saw i was like hi i looked at him from a distance i was like take him away now he's boring i saw a picture of him the other day she was like oh he's actually really cute i was like oh he's cute like when i came around to see him i was like oh yeah i forgot

he was there yeah hi baby i'm not that interested till they're a little bit bigger um but yeah it was so fun we ended up how did the night end ash what did you smashing cake smashing cake yes so the night ended with me bent over in the kitchen and ashley pushing cake slapping cake up my ass with an audience of our friends because it was close friends so it was a really good videoing us. In fact, I've not seen the video. Lauren was twerking around the kitchen.

Somebody has got a video of me twerking in Ashley's kitchen with cake falling out of my arse. Own up, because if you get famous, I'm going to ride the back of this and then I'm going to get famous with the cake coming out of my arse and this is all going to go wrong for me.

So whoever's got the video, delete it. Right, so moral of the story is we are not talking to press again. Never. and I've had to delete all pictures of Ed off my Instagram you got bollocked

he's a fucking businessman and you put him in the front this is not funny actually you put him in the sun stop doing this

with his wife and kid and a matching Fendi outfit I'll be no but he got a phone call off someone

like why I was sat on holiday why the fuck and then I was like when I actually listened to him I was like all I can say

is I'm I'm totally hands I held up I am I'm in the wrong and I'm so sorry so we were on the phone

to our agent like get the fucking bitch and you were just like I am I am wrong and I am sorry I am so wrong but it said stuff on there

that wasn't true that they'd made up oh they talk shit anyway they talk shit it was like Eddie Stobart haulage and it's

that's not true is it not no it's not he has nothing to do with that no because he has his own business yeah yeah but it just sounds better they wanted to sound more

obviously pissed Eddie Stobart and his Fendi wife. With the ice sculpture. And drinking shots out of the fucking ice sculpture. Wow, what a businessman. Yeah. Amazing. So I did a Q&A the other day, Lauren.

A lot of the questions were about when's the pod coming back? They were asking about what I've been filming for. Wait, one of the things that they asked about was for you to give an apology to me. Oh, yeah. so i'm glad whoever sent that in like you guys have really got my back here ashley on one of our episodes fully dogged me for putting bikini pictures on she was like oh no too old for that oh god it gives off the wrong vibe she fucking posted a bikini picture with her children so would you like to apologize i'm so sorry i was i was hormonal and mental again jealous listen

but do you know what when me and you Lauren we're not those type of pricks that like that tell each other they shouldn't put bikinis on

and then you're like yeah I thought that back then and I've changed my mind no we do and one minute I'll be like this is great

then I'll be like this is shit so it's like don't blame me but like at least I can hold my hands up and be like I was wrong

so it's a bit of like a thing with Ed again isn't it you were wrong I'm sorry hands up you fucked up I get a lot of things wrong

and I contradict myself all the time it's not like a meaning to i'd rather admit it and you were just feet listen you were just feeling yourself and you wanted a little pick with the kids i'd wait time you have you are can i just say something i was thinking about this on the way here all right there's a certain breed of women yeah that are bred okay and they are thin with good hair and they're from cheshire okay i swear don't honestly everyone listen now but like maybe some certain other areas but for me the scousers as well

no it's it's no it's posher than that it's the horse riding pedigree i'm surprised you've not got a horse because you that kind of they have little skinny legs and good hair and they're just thin they just the legs are like spindly and it's like a cheshire thing maybe it's in the so i feel like if i'd maybe been born a little bit north of where i am now or south i don't really know would i have skinny legs this is crazy yeah i think do you know what i was thinking that about Scousers the other day they're fit

right Scousers have got the best hair ever that skin that jawline but the hair their eyebrow hair

the hair on the head they're so fit and they sound as well and they like us yeah I feel like we've got a good Scouser shout out Scousers I'm going to do an impression

no they'll never listen again so anyway back to the questions one person put what is your job well you first of all

you haven't really got one mate I'm so right listen to me I only had a baby 14 weeks ago I really If I want to say I'm on maternity leave True to be fair

Do you know what Don't suck a dick What's your job Stay at home mum But they go to nursery How mean is that Maybe they were just asking what is your job What is your job

I want to do that I would as well We've got podcasts Been filming and when i was filming i was busy every day so you're an influencer um no i do do a little bit of that now you're an influencer so lauren one of the questions that i got again on this pop-up box was does lauren have a boyfriend does lauren have a boyfriend oh god this is so difficult because i i'm so i feel like i'm damaged from the trolls now and again and i'm scared to fucking death

to say anything about stuff like that in case do you not think you want to protect this I want to protect it a bit more this time yeah I want to protect it

more this time but you did post a picture oh my god but you're so fit and I was like so I had to yes yes I am seeing somebody

yes I have got oh I don't want to he is so he is so fit yeah is it going well really well and I know though

don't fuck it up yeah everyone now is going to be like ooh here she goes again ooh what a surprise Lauren's got another boy Lauren's in love again

oh let me guess he's the one would someone say this to a man would they fuck no and but however

can I just say I've been single for nearly two years everyone forgets this oh Lauren man to man no I've been single

for nearly two years I actually have and I've had the fucking best time of my life I've been on holidays you still are having the best time

I still am but I've like yeah and then I got a boyfriend and it was shit but no I've literally had the best time

and then I've met somebody and yeah are you going to keep us updated on the pod though yeah I'm going to update I'm going to keep you updated

I'm going to tell you bits and bats he's got bits and bats you always say that but I do bits and bobs yeah I'm going to

keep you updated I'm going to tell you things because some really funny shit happens and I'm at the beginning of a relationship yeah I'm at the beginning of a relationship

so yeah I will yeah he's so fit isn't he Ash yeah hopefully it continues ride the wave baby ride the wave ride the wave

I will tell you as we go along I'll tell you more every time when I feel comfortable right ash what is getting on your tits this week okay so um i have had some surgery done okay shock horror what a surprise okay i'm missing surgery i feel like i want some yeah i i try and do one thing a year and do you know what i just think with the whole like especially face there's

a lot of pillow faces around and i would rather cut than inject and inject and inject and you know what that makes sense a lot of people seem to think that surgery is a huge deal but putting 10 mil in your face isn't and actually it can make you look weird it seems more extreme but you look weirder yeah so i've i've not what have you had tell us i've like stripped back on like fillers and botox and stuff i'm just doing skin boosters and i've had a eyebrow lift and blepharoplasty okay so i've had a blepharoplasty as well so i know what that is second but tell me about does it look bad no it literally looks like a tiny scratch in your head tell me about the brow lift right okay so why did you do it because i just wanted fox eyes okay i didn't

look that fox no so i had it cut there and there then i had my eyes cut as well it was really easy it's still a tiny bit sore I'm really happy with it I just think it's like opened things up a bit a lot of people I think people wonder

what is a brow lift why would you have one sounds drastic it sounds drastic it lifted my eyebrows by 0.5 centimetre so half a centimetre

when you say lifted your brow you mean this not there because I had a lateral brow lift right so you know these turkey ones that you've seen

that are like that yeah they have their cut whereas I had their cut because I wanted it like that yes to lift and widen my eyes.

I do get it because I had my eyelids done and I'm really happy like it got rid of that loose skin however I've got quite a heavy brow bone like the heavy there

just would it lift that? While you're down there. While you're down there do the eyes as well. So the reason why it's got on my tits is because I've decided to stop talking

about surgery that I've had done on Instagram as much because I'm getting trolled a lot for it a lot of people have got their opinions

on it it's really shit to be honest because do you want me to be like a kardashian and just lie though because i think the whole point of the fact that you do talk about it is good you can't do fucking right the wrong wrong i swear but like this is why i love our podcast and it's the whole reason why we started it in the first place was to address these things negativity do you not think though so now don't talk about it on instagram

talk about it on the pod yeah because we've got people listening that are on our side they've gone out of their way to listen yeah they're on our team i mean there's obviously going to be a haters that are listening to it now listening to it stuff in the fat face with crisps right unhappy life okay so lauren in the news this week there's been a lot about chloe kardashian her baby's due any day now that girl she looks insane that's not what i was gonna say what what the fuck is she doing right so let me talk come on let me talk the listeners through so she maybe she had ivf with the first one i don't know because she did she it took her a while to get pregnant so basically when they take your eggs uh because i've spoken about having your eggs

frozen before it's much more successful if you make them straight into embryos so that means put them in a dish with the sperm so they're already half a baby they're already when they inseminate it into i think it's like two weeks pregnant already and they can genetic test the embryos and say this one's five star this one's three star so it just makes it like is it like trip advisor for a baby it's incredible it's absolutely incredible no it's amazing but it's a bit like i don't like this five star thing yeah but then you know you're gonna have a successful pregnancy i thought you meant like i don't know not based on looks yeah i thought this is gonna be a sexy baby no no yeah so they have to do all of that like egg sperm quality like the quality

of the embryo the one most successful to be fine so anyway when you freeze your embryos they'll say right you've got four five stars

so basically she had a load and she decides to put them back in into a surrogate into a surrogate so it's not her of her and Tristan

yes but then Tristan I'm sure he's having another one now another baby so this is what I don't understand he did in between

yeah so he's a fuck boy he's fucked her life up and embarrassed her I can see what Chloe's doing with this okay I think

true it's called Tree the Baby isn't it so she's already got that baby and she's sharing the same dad

no so I get it I get I once before I find a life partner I actually

said to Thea's dad shall we have another yeah because I was like I think I want another one but I don't want

to have another one with someone else that's probably going to cheat on me and then I'm probably going to be stuck with two kids well your life

admin is so much easier yeah um and then if that doesn't work you're on number third dad which is fine it just gets messy with the drop-offs um so i was thinking make your life easy girls i said why don't would you be consider another child and he's like yeah if i get to shag you again and i was like yeah that's what he said i was thinking i was thinking more ivf but i mean whatever so i do get it because then you've got Same baby, same dad.

It's just fucking easier. You can hang out with an eye mask on. I know, I'm like, go. I evaporated. Go, go. The door's open. Come here, I've been lying there, legs up. Right.

Leave. Now leave. But yeah, so I do get it, but I just think it's a bit different for me. Something else. I'm not a Kardashian. Something else quite shocking that's happened this week is Emily Ratatowski supposedly,

you know that fit bird, that fit, fit. I know you want it. Cause you're a good girl. she is fit her tits they're real everything's real i don't think her lips are real she's been cheated on she's been cheated right so i'll tell you when i realized that no hope i'll tell you when i real cheryl cole that's what i knew it hurt she was like princess fucking diana and it hurt me that's when i knew that when you get cheated on it has got nothing to do with what you look like this is it made me realize that no one's fucking safe if an angel that has fallen

from the sky sculpted by god has been cheated on we have no hope we've got no gonna i've read some books girls so in the next few weeks i'm going to talk to you about them because they they're not just for single girls they're not just for girls in a relationship girls have been married them for us like a way of life oh a way a way of life i think it is men listen to this one of my clients came in okay like i've not told you this so it's insane one of my clients came in the other day and she was telling me a story she was like you're not gonna believe what's happened to me this week so she's been seeing a guy is she fit yeah i think she's from london um no she's not from he's from london so she's been traveling down to london they've been going on dates they've been

like whatever and she is a big tiktok enjoyer yeah um so she's on tiktok she's flicking through i can't even and she sees this tiktok and a girl has posted it and the girl has screenshot her dms and a guy has slid into her dms and he said something along the lines of are you are you single or do i have to kill a man to get you so she's posted like this is the kind of level i want from a man like i don't want to love hearts anymore you need to be reaching this guy's level with your dms so everyone is applauding him but like he went hard he's gone straight in there good chat offline kill someone well do you know but do you know what i mean yeah yeah yeah like rather than flames he's really tried and it's gone viral it's really it's gone viral right yeah

it's not him is it it's him so what did she do so wait so she's going on it but just imagine this your boyfriend your boyfriend and you're like oh no way what's this tiktok you're like i recognize that profile picture on the screenshot it's her boyfriend her boyfriend sent the dm it has gone viral and is this girl really fit that he's dm'd no what so it doesn't that's it's gone viral mate it's your boyfriend was he aware of this no so she messages him

like babe can I ask you something and they're like if you ever get said if a girl ever says to you babe can I ask you something prepare for war prepare for war

run for the hills isn't it funny when you say to men we need to talk later when you say to them like did you do this they repeat because they need more time

they repeat it back politicians yeah so if you say to them like did you see that girl they're like did I see that girl and they're thinking

time time time did I see that girl what do you mean right so go on Laurie anyway so she messages him with the screenshot imagine being him

you've gone viral and do you know what he replied do you know what he replied lol drop the mic so what did she do good fucking girl blocked him now I wouldn't have done that

I would have sent him an essay and another essay and I would have made a fucking powerpoint presentation with different points of each time he told me he loved me Why would you waste your energy on that? Because that's what I would do. Anyway, blocked him. But imagine that.

So that's another reason why some men are twats. And on that note, we're going to take a break. Oh my God, the men that listen, I feel tight now. Yeah, I don't. Okay. In the next half, we're going to get a dilemma. Can I sing the song? Because can I just say something?

We've changed, but have we changed that much? Yeah. So we've changed producers and everything. It's amazing and exciting, but I'm really upset. Right, Kate, just sing it. Come on, we're taking a break now, Lauren. Because not one person, nobody has asked me to sing it. Right, go on.

Dilemma of the week, dilemma of the week. I bet everyone's missed it. DM me and tell me that you've missed it. okay guys welcome back now we love getting answers to questions so this part of the podcast is all about you guys so answering your questions i like this i love this i feel like we're actually really good at giving advice i am we're not good at taking it no no always a giver never a taker yeah that's us and we both have very different opinions on things because mine's all i think mine's more right than yours well i think mine's more right than yours you've got your ears pierced

three times so don't know who you're giving advice to anywho but before we start our questions lauren we need to tell everyone don't we about our competition competition we love a competition you love a competition everyone loves and it's literally only the best shit that we've got you absolutely and anything that you can get free listen bills are going up have you ever done a full food shop yeah do you do the food shop well who else does it i don't know i go to aldi for all my food i think the veg is good from aldi i think everything is good from aldi nappies are the best guys i would rather spend my money at aldi and then on handbags than in tesco or sainsbury's you look like a waitress you like a waitress right so i do order some stuff off

waitress but i would say 90 of my shit is from aldi okay great aldi give us sign her so anyway back to our giveaway actually it's the face of aldi i'd be good at that okay so back to our giveaways now we've got some absolutely amazing prizes so lauren you read one i'll read one ash you have to do the competition every time because my lisp is way too severe to read these things three bottles of edison vodka a dr cancella skincare bundle worth over 100 pounds two pajama sets from queens park sleepwear for you and your bestie a beautiful necklace from say it with diamonds worth over 150 pounds and 100 pounds worth of selfridges vouchers to round it all off all you guys have to do to enter is tag a friend on our post and make sure that you both

follow at nip tuck pod and the instagram pages of the brands who are giving these amazing prizes away entries close on the 18th of september 2022 so get in quick girls we're going to announce the winner on the 21st of september so make sure you tuned in to see if you've won any of those things so guys all you have to do to enter is make sure that you tag a friend on the post and follow at nip tuck pod on instagram that is follow at nip tuck pod on instagram and tag your bestie You should be following us anyway, so it won't be difficult. Obviously. Obvs.

Okay, guys, full terms and conditions are in the caption of the picture, and we've got all of the prizes listed on there for you from our favourite brands. Okie dokie. First question of the brand new series. we are in surgery we are ready to dissect the fuck out of this question yeah yeah i'm ready i've not seen it yet okay i have go on i've done research hit me bitch okay i'm gonna read it out to you because i feel like you need to you need to understand it fully okay i'm not sure what to do is that what it was headlined yeah i have found eight pairs of socks and endless and that's not

the issue if there was nine there'd be an issue because you fucking lost one that's not the issue where is this going and endless tissue all in my husband's bedside drawer oh and under the bed yeah and he's been wanking under the bed um or did he throw them after i don't know i need to know more i know that we all masturbate but my little boy was inches away from picking up his daddy's happy tissues don't call it that i literally feel sick to the stomach last time this happened was when i found out he was messaging other women oh sexting sexting he's having a wank while he sex well at least he's not shagging no that's like men when they ring babe station and they're like on a budget and as soon as they've come they go and hang up straight

away anyway but how can men even do that by the way like how can you turn on and they're not the same honestly don't know what to do as i can't go through this again what she's right what okay so her main issue here is that her is the issue that her boyfriend's wanking or is it that he's putting his tissues

near the kid husband well whatever or is it the problem is that he's leaving his happy tissues around no there's two aspects

to it so number one is the tissues and socks and socks eight bitch don't forget the socks eight socks

oh my god that's a lot of wanks how she's not said when is this daily he's squiddling away it's a lot of money

on socks is this a daily thing or is this a monthly thing anyway he's wanking a lot right and um last time he he piled his wank socks and tissues he was seeing okay so i think the main issue is this is giving her a bit of ptsd because yeah he's wanking again fuck he's wanking again tissues and she's it's not actually funny it's not funny so the main issue here is it okay for your partner to masturbate male or female i guess that's number one issue number two is the fact that last time he was cheating but i think the overall very different questions i know i think we go with the masturbation one

first is it okay for your partner to masturbate especially like under the same roof as you yeah under the same roof i know i'm working away under the same roof i know some girls that like go wild even over like their partner watching porn okay so let me tell you a story happened to me once so one of my partners one of them not gonna say who um i was downstairs with the uh and she was being really hard work and i was thinking that little fucking bastard has gone upstairs for and lie down again and i've got all this shit to do so i creeped up the stairs and i didn't know what i was gonna find let me tell you it's not what i expected i thought he was gonna be lying down and i was gonna be like get up you lazy bastard so i'm going up these stairs and as i'm

going up the stairs i hear a noise i was in the cupboard i was in the wardrobe chatting the wardrobe so i'm going upstairs and i heard something but i still didn't click so as i get up right i'm gonna have to put my chair back to show you the the thing so as i get up to the stairs there was no door it was straight into the bedroom so there's no no warning for this guy so as i get up he just he's lying on the bed he goes like this and turns around to the side and like bends like this i don't know if you can see what i'm doing like this okay like hunches so i'm like i thought oh he's feeling guilty that he was lying down when jay off the in-betweeners made his hand numb yes so i'm like oh he feels really bad he's just jumped up because he's fucking lying

down when i'm busy downstairs so i go over to him like what like i'm downstairs and then i look closer and i went oh my god there was sperm all over his stomach all of his legs listen to what had happened the poor thing as he had begun his orgasm as i stepped in the door so he's thrown his legs round but the cum is spurting out so he's gone like oh and turned but he was holding Like a firework. Like a firework. And it has rocketed everywhere. And then he's felt really guilty afterwards.

And then he's felt dirty. And he's sat hunched over. And then I went, what's that? Because after you do come... You feel guilty. So I went, oh, I didn't do that. Disgusting. So I went over and I went, what is that?

And he was like, nothing, nothing. I was like, sit back. So he sat back. Hair gel. And there was literally sperm everywhere. And I was like, you've been wanking. Do you know what I did? Which now feels really like irate and stupid.

I burst into tears. this guy he might as well be shagging a dog for the the response i gave him and i was like i can't even look at you and i was like you're fucking disgusting and he sat there with come on do you know i think that's a very girl reaction to something you don't know what to do with i just and i ran down the stairs like i can't look at your fingers downstairs as if he was like a pervert i imagine that i feel awful now but it did make me feel a type of way and it made me feel really uncomfortable embarrassed in the house it was the fact that why are you going upstairs for a cd wang you've definitely done it in bed with me before i was just when we've been on holiday

together do you know i have to take myself off when i'm on holiday in a group and and have one because where do you do it in the room like i'll just walk back to like in the room and do it i once when we went to mexico otherwise i get aggressive the girls went for a walk so hi i had a quick one and i texted the girls like ha ha guess what i've just done and you're outside and you i took a picture of them they were on the landing they didn't know i was doing it we all need to do it but you know what some people don't do it and they're shocked that we do it but men do it men all men okay wank so what i did because i got this question before ash did i did a little bit of research right so you know that i've got guy friends and i asked my ting um what he thought

of it this was the main answer um wanking is normal men's sex drive can be really really high and it can be higher than women so unless you want to be like fully shagged five times a day let him have a what if you do want to be shagged but you should be given the option but what if you we've discussed this before as well if you've got healthy sex life and they're still wanking i just think they've got high sex drive and they fancied a bit i don't think it's a big yeah but what if they won't give you sex but they're wanking then they don't fancy you yeah that's so but then that's ouch how would you manage that situation you need to sit down maybe this is what that that lady's been going through i think she must feel awful because she must feel like she's

not good enough therefore he's wanking last time we did this he was seeing someone yeah he she needs to sit i would collect all the tissues to make him feel filthy yeah i would collect all the socks leave them on his pillow i would leave them on his pillow and then when you go to bed i would say look at what you've done no what do you know what i wouldn't even say anything just leave them there just leave them there um yeah maybe do that but i think the main thing here is you need to speak to him and you need to say look this is happening again is this connected with another fucking and you can tell from men's faces never ask them on the phone no no no and never in text don't give them time to reply no so you need to sit the fucker down yeah with the cum with the

things let him loosen up a bit give him a beer yeah like baby if you had a nice day and then just hit the fucker with it hit throw the socks at him so you go yeah oh baby you had a nice day oh do you want a head massage and then throw the socks at him oh yeah by the way

you fucking someone else and then throw the socks at him throw the tissue throw the tissue round the room and then

yeah so I think we've all done it I don't know the answer she needs to talk to him you need to ask him why are you wanking so much tell me the answer

are you speaking to someone else go through his phone shit like that and then maybe masturbate loads yourself okay I think we should

do a poll after this episode of do you think it's okay for your partner to wank yes or no let's see what our listeners think i just think like i said before like this poor lady there's so many other aspects to this like it's not just the fact of is it okay for your partner to wank yes every relationship is completely different like healthy not healthy toxic like you know your own healthy yeah and like i've heard things before of like where the husband's having a wank to porn in the bed and they've woken up that's happened

to me before as well oh my god i'm shit in bed i am aren't and that's why all my boyfriends keep wanking i'm shit in bed fuck no they're just horny bastards let's go with the latter right um so yes regarding the affair bit i honestly think gut instinct for women 100 bitches we are like witches we're made to be we're made the men i think she's answering the question herself i do and we are made to sniff them out so if you feel like there's something not right

it's not right right let's take it back to the beginning okay we're making a plan up for you girl now do not show

all your cards yeah never so like sit on this you've got a feeling that because you're not you've got a feeling here that something's not right

make a portfolio yeah a spreadsheet so you never give your cards at first you are now aware your spidey senses are tingling

so you now get evidence you keep an eye on things where is it yeah you need to start looking and seeing if he is doing that and then when you think i can't go anywhere more with this then you sit him down and tell him what you know and we'll go from there and do you know a video camera maybe set up in the bedrooms it was a bit far before is that legal um the thing is as well especially if she's like a busy mom like that makes you feel like shit as well so really quickly while we're

on this topic we're going to talk more about this i think in other episodes because i really really want to i actually want to get a sex therapist involved at some point that we can help girls with their questions um women being horny or not a lot of things can affect that so you never know maybe he's wanking because she's not horny because she's busy because she's looking after the kids i feel like that's a big thing where women are women are horny through the mind and if they're stressed and looking after kids then you're downstairs isn't that horny either so maybe is it really yeah okay when i came off the pill uh which by the way yeah and i'm i'm paying fucking pregnancy roulette at the minute we need to speak about this we need to speak about um

contraception seriously yeah we do we do because i don't know what to go on none natural cycles but you need to do i'll let's talk about this another episode but anyway wanking is i think a normal thing that every most humans do every day so it's fine every day but pretty much okay well i'd say four days I'm having loads of sex at the minute so I don't know I'm not

so yeah I think it's normal but then the his personal hygiene really needs to stab up baby that's not good

this is not good I bet the bottom you need to check the bottom of the curtains I bet they're all crusty I've known that before just wiping his knob around the house

like a slug like literally dragging his dragging his semen across sorry we shouldn't laugh like when the police come with one of those lights and it all shines up yes go online and

get yourself one of those lights and find out where else he's been coming do you remember that program cheaters go in and check the thing okay we need to find a uv light that shows up sperm let's link it on our instagram we'll do an amazon one for you girls and you can check where he's been coming the dirty bastard so we're doing this new thing called ick pics which we'll talk to you more about yeah but i've got one to show you next week okay and it's a bit like this i can't wait for this i love ick pics we need them sending in so speaking of ick pics our fave lauren what's an ick pic so what an ick pic is is it's when you are driving along and your boyfriend pulls a face he turns around and he's got something stuck to him something that makes you feel sick he runs up

the stairs on all fours someone else's sunday roast dinner yes yes someone's sunday roast that kind of thing airport toilets someone's selfie picture where the house is a fucking mess in the background something weird in the background ick pics someone's nail fallen off yes ick ick we need to see them so you're going to take the pictures and you're going to text them in you're going to send anything that gave you the fucking ick hashtag you can really ruin your boyfriends here whenever they irritate you take a picture of it send it to us and we're going to talk about it each week yes so send your ick pics in we want like this time you to be fully engaged this is your show girls yeah yeah it's a joint effort here you can also send an email to hello

at nip tuck pod dot com now you think every week of us isn't enough we knew they didn't think it was enough so we're giving you the fans so we're giving you more more we're gonna do a bonus episode so the bonus episode is gonna be on friday and it's about your ick pics any more extra dilemmas it's all the little extra ix and bits ix and bits ix and i can't say that with this list my list is getting worse do you think so you'll have a full show and then on a friday it's going to be really like super interactive so if you sent something in now say then by friday so girls get in our inboxes please get in our dm you can email us hello at niptuckpod.com or you can go on our instagram at nit tuck pod and get in our inbox i need to show you ashley

just really something really quickly an ick pic of my mum we've got cctv i'm gonna post this guys you're gonna die if anyone likes the videos where people fall on ice okay so this is cctv at the back of my house okay ashley's watching the video now this is my mum falling off wait can i zoom in this is my mum falling over why does your mum always do embarrassing things so funny so she fell over in the back garden. She doesn't even drink or anything. She doesn't drink and we've got it on the fucking CCTV. She still

continues to go out to do the mission that she went on. She falls on her face, gets back up as if nothing happened and keeps playing the washing the pyjamas. Sexy, aren't they? She's had a man round. Anyway, I'm going to post this video on my Instagram because you're going to think it's really funny.

It's big. So anyway guys, thank you so, so much for listening this week we are so happy to be back we have got so much it's just this is there's so much this is just the beginning yeah it's all like coming out of me it's like verbal diarrhea and i have to keep stopping because i don't want to record it for like three hours i don't want to shoot spunk my load no no like when you get all excited and everything comes out we've got so many funny stories there's so much that's going on so much drama so much gossip and i've got so much

boyfriend stuff to tell you yeah we've got loads to tell you and like we said every week's gonna be super different

because we want you guys to be involved so thank you for listening and please rate us five star on our pod page on Spotify or Apple

is it iTunes? what did you say? iTunes? is it iTunes? if you subscribe as well you will get alerted to as soon as an episode drops

so you'll wake up and you'll be like the bitches on The Ride.