Nip Tuck - Nothing good happens after 2am

Episode Date: April 5, 2022

This week it's all about girls holidays and nights out, and yes you heard it here first, unless you want beer-fear from hell, 2am is bedtime honey.When the girls go on tour, we know it can get a little bit wild so here's Ashley & Laurens guide to staying (relatively) hangover-free, not breaking girl code and how to deal with your partner going away.Of course not forgetting a VERY naughty dilemma of the week and stag-do scandal.And don't forget, be careful of those dirty d*cks....Make sure you get your medical-grade compression from Macom with 15% off! Use the code NIPTUCK at checkout over on macom-medical.com and follow the team @macom_medical.Of course, it's @ntngaf on socials for more hilarity and to send in your Dilemmas! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

ahem and welcome to this week's episode of nip tuck and not giving a fuck welcome welcome welcome i'm ashley and this is lauren lauren i don't know why you have to say your own name lauren guess what what i'm having a baby oh i'm so sorry for you it's okay though i am not going to get the c-section pooch no i i believe you're not no i'm not it's not going to be a thing but the good news is we're going to tell you about our new sponsor and they are going to help guys you actually can combat this it's a massive massive bugbear of mine that women every single day are having abdominal surgery and they're not being told about the correct compression to wear afterwards. One massive part of after having a baby or abdominal surgery is compression

and that includes a foam insert. Sounds crazy I know but the foam insert will then instill negative pressure onto your wound meaning that you will have a really nice smooth end result. Did you know that when you have a baby in some other countries as soon as you've given birth they wrap you really really tightly in a sheet because they know how important it is to have that immediate compression obviously here in the uk we're gonna be doing that um no midwife is gonna start wrapping you in an nhs bed sheet i don't know um so you need to do that bit for yourself i did it with fear um the bed sheet not the bed sheet the the foam insert after my section and the compression yeah and i don't have the pooch yeah so we all need compression basically

i mean when i had that weird hernia operation the bum hole um i'll post a picture of it that i literally had a mental breakdown but compression saved my life and persistence with the right support garments afterwards so if you're anything like us you will want to make sure you've done everything in your power to try and combat any excess c-section pooch and we can honestly say that if you buy the right support garments and do everything that you can, hopefully it will make a difference post-operatively. Head over to macom, that's m-a-c-o-m hyphen medical dot com to view their full postpartum range and get 15% off your order using our code NIPTUCK. I've actually got a highlight on my instagram page of all of the garments i have bought for my post baby body i

hate that phrase but yeah i also on my blog four years ago i forgot you were a blogger i was a blogger for a bit actually it was good anyway four years ago i discussed my common compression four years ago so we only support brands that we believe in so yeah you can look on there as well guys look how hairy my legs are that's fire i've not needed i don't have like the the inner strength to grow hair like that on my legs i haven't i've not looked at them i'm busy but is that like your normal body hair what do you mean it's no it's fucking stuck on what do you mean i just don't you're not hairy yeah i don't think that's i'm dark haired that's not bad mate is that i'm talking six weeks of growth i've not shaved mine for ages yeah you've had

laser shut the fuck up i've not had it right we'll look at this then oh she's getting a vagina oh my god that is disgusting skin as well um i've not she just stroked it i've just stroked it like a cat i've not oh my god what that fucking footballer no so we're disgusting um that's disgusting disgusting we're a few weeks out so this is probably really not relevant but at the time of recording that guy kicked that cat and it's fucking horrible he and you know what he should be sacked he should fuck a hundred percent he should not be on that team it's disgusting like why are all these footballers doing all these weird why are they getting away with it we need to make examples of stuff like that like that's not all right because if you don't make an example

of him then people are going to just go around kicking pussy no it's not right anyway um what have we been up to this week i've got even fatter she's just getting fatter by the minute fatter i and i better have like a four pound baby yeah yeah i bet you do my baby weight i have what have i been doing i've been having skin peels i'm gonna have my eyelashes back on i'm going to mexico and can i just say before any of you little twats start i'm not going with fear i'm going for a week and i don't have a problem with it no you wouldn't but i'm actually i am a bit nervous i'll be honest because the age she is now i'm gonna make she's different i don't know if i'll be able to do it again but this is my answer to anyone and there will be people who are like

we're gonna talk about today yeah holidays holidays girls trips she leaves a kid for a week right let me tell you something now my child has a father there's two of us do you know 50 50 there's two of us there's equal genes yeah i'm saying she i have a great relationship with him she sees him a lot but even though she sees him really regularly out of a month it's probably five days so also when it's on not his weekend it will be an entire week an entire week from him seeing her to him seeing her again which also i've got the same setup as you lauren and it's not a problem to me like there's a lot of pressure on you being a single parent to a child yeah so can i just say that that week not one little fucker will ever say her dad doesn't see her for an entire

week between his visits no one's gonna say that but if i go away for one week there's an issue and I've left my child. But babe, we're changing it. There's really not an issue. There really isn't an issue. She's going to see her dad. She's going to be with my mum. You shouldn't even have to explain that.

No, but I am because it really annoys me. He will go an entire week without seeing her, which is fine. That's how we work. Yet me going on a holiday for a week is like an, oh, whoa, whoa, whoa. Okay. This is a regular occurrence for the man.

So this is what we're getting into this week. So it's called What Happens on Tour Stays on Tour. So we're going to talk today about girls' nights out. Unless you get chlamydia or pregnant because that's gonna go home with you just saying so we're gonna talk have you ever had chlamydia no do you know i haven't either well did you wasn't it like at one point it was like one in three people yeah and well i don't think i have if i've ever been worried that a partner i've been with might have it i've just taken the antibiotics what that's so bad for your body it's not happened

often it's like once once not even tested no i haven't got it but if i ever like found out that or i slept with someone i'm a bit unsure i'd have the antibiotic like just go and get tested because it's so easy you can do it through the post loads of my friends about it loads of my friends have and they said that it stings when you wee oh really but then some of them have had silent chlamydia where they don't even know that they've got it anyway but i was talking to one of my friends who's a gp the other day and i was like tell me some funny stories because i love all of this and she said did you know that the genital warts epidemic in manchester at the minute is absolutely massive and there is um it literally is one in three people have got genital you sent

me ashley this is like how our group chat goes for the podcast ashley sent some pictures of genital warts in they didn't look like genital warts they look like skin lesions let's show charlie these pictures and see what you've seen them charlie haven't you no that was in our other group chat um they look let me ask you in how many four three four um they look like lesions i wouldn't know they look like a shaving rash yeah i wouldn't know they were warts now i'm thinking have i got fucking right charlie come here do you want like skin tag no they do they look like no but not like skin tags like it's weird i wouldn't have known little little things little lumps look that's genital warts the thing is once you've got genital warts it's like herpes

no it's not you can get rid of what i thought it was a virus that was always there it's a virus it is a virus which can actually give you cervical cancer or something so you know when you go um we didn't have any of this but the younger girls had those injections when they were like 13 14 you will have had it charlie because charlie's a lot younger than we missed all of this so to stop it don't quote me on any of this i'm not a doctor like i always have to say but to stop is it cervical cancer it's called the hpv vaccine right and you're only allowed to have the hpv vaccine if you've not had sex because one in three of us have the hpv virus in our bodies already yep male and female and basically human papillomavirus that's that's what genital warts

are so if you've had genital warts it's likely that you will have a gene smear the irregular and then um case of cancer in later life and you can get it in your throat as well so basically like get careful of these dirty dicks yeah they're not organic get tested yeah just know what know about your vag guys we need to do a show on this yeah i agree because it's a really big smears oh please go for your smears it's not even that bad like i've had sexual encounters that have been so much worse ones now really yeah i've i've had encounters that have been much more unpleasant than i said when i went to hospital um the other day for that bladder infection thing and they had to put a what's it called like a dildo up and do an internal

scan no no it was way worse than that where they open it up oh the the thing that they put in they got yeah but it's like a vagina any gel on it oh it was it was like a dry shag yeah and it wasn't even a nice shag it was it was a bad and then she had to do three and it was absolutely horrible but smears aren't actually that bad do you not think when you've had children like if someone says you've got a checkup you just lie there and your legs turn into a frog put your legs like a frog

and you literally when you've had kids you go for a test that would have given me anxiety the amount of hands that go up your vagina when you're pregnant and that's how you got there in the fucking first place that's the problem do you know after you've had your c-section

they put something up your bum yeah I didn't know I didn't know it either and then they went we're just putting something up your bum and I was like what yeah I remember the doctors looking at me i was smiling at them and i was just like this has been really good and then i was like what you doing and they were like we've just got our fingers in uranus i was like okay anyway i digress

so i digress we got into this because something's happened to me this week okay so lauren's going away she's got mum guilt about leaving thea which she really shouldn't have and we got into this conversation because something's happened to me this week so my husband i don't like to talk too much about him on the podcast because he gets very very embarrassed but unfortunately i've got well it's his own fault and it just comes out um he if you've got a titty on about it then you're gonna say it i'm i'm going away on um a stag do in may so i was like yeah that's fine what's the date he told me the date but their baby will be 21 days old when he goes to ibiza wow and all of my friends were like what no he can't go and i was like yeah he can it's absolutely fine and i i

honestly i'm absolutely not one i think sometimes we automatically go on the defense of the judgy no no yeah and we do that and then actually bitch about it and that's why when people have like people that are aggy people they straight away no but when you actually stop for a minute because i did the same i was like what no why yeah i i'll be like you know what it's like when he's not gonna do anything it can't help but he's not gonna do anything anyway so they always come back feeling really sorry for themselves guilty so i'll get a back out of it or something yeah so really what's he gonna do be tripping over nappies all weekend or he can fuck off and come back and you know so yeah i think though that's because you're comfortable with him now imagine imagine having a

boyfriend that you're not that there's a bit of a dickhead and you've you know you're unsure whatever you've just had a baby and he's going to a beaver to look at a load of girls in bikinis while you're sat at home with these big milky tears spending money with a sanitary towel with blood falling out of you like like a waterfall well that will still be happening okay sorry and you know that he potentially is looking at like do you know what i mean that probably still will be happening but i can see how you if you were in okay let me change it again if you were in what's the word in like not a comfortable insecure if you were insecure that would not be okay and i think if it was your first baby yeah it would be a bit worse yeah if it was my first baby and i didn't know what was

together yeah no do you know what you're right but then it led us back onto the topic of like how reasonable is reasonable with these girl and boy holidays what are we accepting what are we okay about so i think that's really really important in a relationship girls like can we just strip it all back here okay so in your early 20s nights out they're regular you're going out all the time you're both out every weekend yeah when you creep into your 30s nights out become fewer and a little bit further in between but they're still important oh my god yes and it's really important that you make that time for going out with the girls and your phone stays in your handbag unless you need it especially because if you are in a great relationship then it's just

good to hang with the girls yeah sometimes if you're in a bit of a toxic relationship and you're not getting to see the girls and letting it off your chest yeah people can get deeper and deeper into it you need to see the girls to to let yourself be free and see what situation you're in a hundred percent and like nights out with the girls they're an experience like we love getting ready and drinking wine together and then you know i think it's healthy that he sees you looking good and going out without him and he wonders what guys are like sniffing around you and how many and you're not just a mum in your pajamas with a bun at home exactly and then also girlies in your early 20s because we know we've got a lot of listeners who are younger than us

i wish i was make the most of your nights out yeah go out say yes to everything go on all the nights i've been thinking recently you wish you'd have gone out i wish i'd done more in my 20s all the time you used to be out all the time so because i um lived with my mum before i bought my first house when i was pregnant um i lived with my mom and i just i don't know i felt protective to her do you remember i used to feel guilty if i went out too much she would hate for me to feel like that but i did it was just us two and like if i went out too much i felt like she was on her own and stuff and i didn't go out loads and i didn't travel and i didn't but i was career at the same time i was building a lot of fucking money to buy my first property you wouldn't change i wouldn't

change it but i kind of wish the men as well i keep these younger boys and like i feel like go out there get the dick but then enjoy them try them trial and error in your 20s so that when you get to your 30s you know what you like what you don't like i did that i didn't do that so i feel like that's why i've made some of the relationship mistakes i've made because i hadn't had that period you have to try everything on the menu before you decide what your favorite is exactly and i'm still on the i'm still perusing i am still perusing without getting chlamydia or go on i'm still on the wine list like okay we'll get there and i'm enjoying it and i just wish i'd done it a little bit younger because i know it's only society but you do feel like your clock's

ticking when you're getting to 30 so girls in your 20s don't settle down no i just don't let a boy tell you you can't fucking go out yes no no like don't be on your phone all night we've all got that friend that is on her phone all night don't do that enjoy yourself you are young once honey and then your tits sag your ass sags your fanny lips sag do it now while you are tight and fresh yeah mine's nice okay so let's get all of the above my ass isn't great but everything else okay so let's get into the topic today so first of all we're going to talk about girl code on a night out there's some rules okay don't go if you don't know everyone well only your friends will look after you unfortunately i think that's a bit fucking extreme how are you meant to meet anyone

no i've got a story of this i went on a night out recently with um someone i don't want to like it's not like bad what happened at all but obviously i wasn't drinking so i was like i'm going home now are you getting in the car and they were like no i'm gonna stay and she'd never met the other girls before yeah then at like 2 a.m she rang me and she was like they've left me and i was like your problem it's your problem they're not your friends yeah so that's that's fine if you're gonna but don't expect the cut so what you're saying is because it sounded like you were like don't go out with anyone you don't know they're dangerous what you mean is don't expect and don't get too loose okay yeah yeah the code only applies i get loose oh god i wish i couldn't get so

oh loosey-goosey right okay if someone can't talk or stand up it's time to go home that's always me but my friends are all like i'm so naughty so when we go on holiday like none of us can stand up and not one of us that's dangerous lauren not one of us has got the fucking minerals to help the other ones so we all roll around it's not like like you know when you're in a club and you literally see a girl in the corner looking like the exorcist yeah her mates should take her home yeah but my friends are all the same no once i um this was years ago there's a picture of me stood on a toilet trying to climb over a cubicle because there was a girl in the other cubicle the club had finished and her friends had left her and she was slumped and sick

and i'd see i saw so it's not funny but i saw like a foot poking out the bottom so i got in the other cubicle i climbed onto the toilet i put it's a really funny picture i put my leg over it and I climbed into the cubicle to help her and get her phone off her and try and, like... Ring her friends. Yeah, and I rang, I think it was her mum. But, yeah, I think girls, if you see a girl like that, like, don't laugh and point.

No, I hate that. If you're sat at a table with a bunch of guys and you're all drinking and then there's another girl... She could have been spiked or anything. Yeah, and you see another girl that's embarrassing herself and she's staggering around. Or boobs hanging out. Yes, and don't sit there and be, like, laughing

and look at her with the guys. That could be you one day. It's always me. Go over and put a titty away and help her out a little bit like let's sit her down and get her a glass of water let's just not be cunts yeah exactly and as long as you can think in your head like i tried to help yeah and if the girls like suck up i'm steaming they're fine just try let's not be horrible okay if if it was you who did the above as in whoever couldn't stand up or speak so i've been the person and the other

person both people i say to my friend like right mate come on time to go home and i'll like whip them out as quick as possible and get them in a cab and then you know what really fucking pisses me off the next day like hun i cut my night in half for you yeah i spent 50 quid on getting my makeup done i did this that hold your hair back yeah no no no get ready the next day you don't even get like a thank you thank you babe i've sent you some money for the taxi yeah you just don't get anything it's so fucking rude and then next time they do it i think i'm not helping you again if it's the same person all the time the good thing is with my friends we tend to do it either we're all just as bad or we rotate it's on a rotation and you're just like look she's

fucked somebody get her home or i like my group the where we're both we're all so bad she'll just get you'll get propped in the corner and left till we're ready to go home but as long as you're safe in the corner it'll be like where's lauren and just slumps in the corner like a puppy yeah exactly but we've got our eye on you right this one is a big one that really pisses me off stay away from chasing crushes or exes it is girls night okay i think at the beginning of the night you need to confirm this and whoever the weak one of the group is and the one that is likely take a phone or you all make a pact if she's on her phone you check yeah yeah yeah if the crush is in a certain place and all of a sudden i think we should go to this but i hate that we're doing that because you're

gonna look like a freak especially when they've been bitching about them all yeah i told you in a previous part about when i bit my friend because we fought to take my phone off me and i rolled across the bed and bit her and she still i was drunk obviously she still got that phone off me and i did not make that so this comes into my next one be firm with your tipsy friends tell them that you don't want them going back to a party or off with a random yeah so i agree with this because sometimes do you know what you're that fuck to you like let's see you later mate and you just think like she shouldn't be doing that but i can't be arsed yeah whereas really you should say to him like i don't think you should be doing sometimes as well when i'm really really drunk and i'm

making a fool of myself i need a friend to say you are making a fool of yourself being a dick yeah you are you are embarrassing you look ugly yes you don't look good if someone said that to we have like oh so like if someone said you look really ugly right now and the boys aren't looking at you or like you look awful um eyeliner on his lip do you know like when you're really pissed sat in the toilet cubicle i like delving around in my handbag i think i was there picture of like gemma collins which put bronzer on her yeah i think if someone said to me lauren look me in the eye stop yeah i would then yeah so but guys we need a leveler we need someone in the group that's that is a leveler yeah we need someone in the group that is gonna level yeah and like you know

everyone has a turning point of one too many and i still don't know mine i go really loud and i grab people yes you know like when you're talking to somebody like and you're like elbowing them like just say to me like leveler yeah we're getting on and pull it back you know i still don't know mine we'll we'll find it we'll find it okay next up no one likes aggressive drunks good vibes only 100 i'm generally a good i can turn though we've all been on that girl's night out there with a girl oh that kicks that kicks off and she's like barging into people and they think that it's like cool to do that and it's fucking not and then i i'm so defensive of my friends like i like with the roofer with my mom myself you know how chilled i am upset one of my

friends and i just it's not gonna be all right i'll come for you so they then get into the shit and i retaliate no no no no no no no when you go out in cheshire as well there's always girls like this yeah larry yeah like cunts yeah sorry i'm allowed to say that i said it before we said it and like you'll go in somewhere and they'll literally like storm past you and stuff and i just literally turn around like i'm just so for the good fight like happy i'm a happy drunk yeah don't be mean it's horrible yes your bum looks big try something else on so don't right so this one's so difficult if they're now wait this is quite important at this point if there are no other options we don't say it then yeah because it's either it's either she's not going and she

feels shit do you know that's no other options then you have to say when you were younger and you were like by the door and your mum would go oh wash your hair and it's too late as long as they don't look like fucking abysmal and embarrassing if you're just thinking it's not really you but it's too late then let's give them the confidence there is an option and if there is time and if you've got something that might look better let's you know like my friends will say to me your legs look so bad in that because they're doing certain things i was gonna say the um body stocking i mean you looked amazing and it was just inappropriate it wasn't right okay um the poster girl body stocking i mean it's been overdone now i'd never wear it again but it wasn't i was

in london kylie's worn it i look good no i mean it wasn't that's what i wore in the marathon if you'd have put it on in front of me i would have said i don't like i don't like that and i would have said i do yeah yeah but if i'd have been on the fence and you'd have said no wait if you'd have said you look fat in there oh no but you didn't look no i didn't or if you'd have said your body then i would have like oh my god oh my god please can we go out and can i wear the poster girl with my backpack and the bump let's wear it why is rihanna doing all that it's disgusting what do you mean have you seen the outfits have you seen them charlie with the bump do you not like that i mean i don't care i mean i don't care enough to be but are you a bit like

like it's just like do you feel like it's sexualizing the bum it's weird okay right next one pay your fucking way we noticed skipped rounds so this is something that bothered we talked about this in group chat and it really bothered charlie and ashley it didn't bother me now that's for a couple of reasons number one my friends don't do that number two i'm always smashed number three you wouldn't know i wouldn't notice and number three i you know how unobservant i am on i could my head's always whirling with a million things i don't notice but you two were both like fucking serious that really grinds my gears like honestly it pisses me off so bad so like i'm always like i when i'm out good vibes only i'm like right i'll get this i'll get the

uber i'll get that because i'm not standing for more than two minutes looking at everyone like i'll just be like i'll pay it and like i've got other friends that are the same as me in that way and like the next day we'll sort it all out or she'll say ashley you got that i'll get this but it will always be sorted and then there's a relationship where you can say in the morning baby you want me that yeah okay and there's certain other friends though that honestly think that you are dumb as fuck and you don't notice that and what pisses me off about that is it's not like if my friend came to me and said babe i'd love to come out but i can't afford it i'd literally be like i'll cover because there probably will be a time when i can't afford it there's not

gonna be a time but yeah um that's not gonna happen yeah no so sometimes like i think the difficult thing is if your friends are more wealthy than you are or they're in a better position so we're gonna come on to this on girls holidays i'm gonna well i'm in i'm lucky that the girls i'm around most of the time and that are at the point same point in life as me that i do a lot with they kill it yeah and luckily i can just about keep up there however if one of them said i want to do this and i was like i can't they they'd sort it poorly or i would sort it later but it would never be kind of expected i would never go on a night out and expect them what the people that we're talking about now literally on purpose will drink all the drinks then spot that

it's coming up to their own and backdoor it how people do that oh yeah anyway um and then the last one is keep in contact with your friends so what really gives me anxiety is when i get home off a night out and then the next day i know that x y and z were there and x was really drunk and don't know how she got home where she ended up and then she's not sent a text till like midday where she'd be like i'm fine but what if she's asleep yeah but just send a text and be like girls i've gone home i'm such a mom aren't i yeah but but x is probably was probably so smashed that it wasn't in him it's not ex's fault but let's be like can we keep i'm next you are i know do you remember that night we can't talk about that no no definitely not let's move on no no what's that what's what's

that no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no do you remember anyway right okay i'm old the problem for me with going out and i would go out much more is the hangover the anxiety more and i think people are talking about this more so you used to be like oh just a hangover no one used to share that actually mentally the next day it's horrible it's horrible i get the worst anxiety i feel like i'm the worst person i start thinking about problems i've not thought about for years what like the next day yes no i mean i i i think all my friends will say the same i get the worst tangles out of everyone even on holiday even on holiday i cry so when we last went on like you think the world's ending yes i cry i physically cry every hangover and the girls know

i do it so they're like leave her fucking to it so the first night after a holiday when i'm hung over i cry i say i want to go home i miss the i'm never going on a girl's holiday again they all know i'm gonna do this so they're like it's okay darling and they know i'm gonna be fine how ashley do i stop how what can is there anything i can do to stop this right okay so everyone listen up here are my hangover top tips don't get me wrong i still get a hangover and also can i just say all these miracle cures of hangover are all absolute bullshit and you're wasting your money because if you fuck your body up that's severely like we all do on a regular occasion yeah by the way wine dehydrates the fuck out of you like it's not okay also do you know what else gives you

really bad hangovers when you mix drinks it's disgusting so here's some top tips okay prepare to fail so hangover is all about preparing so the effort that you put in pre-drinking will really show the next day okay so make sure that you eat dinner because i know you don't do that before you go out i don't eat because you're wearing a body stocking and no and because some days i don't eat until like six o'clock do i yeah and then also do you know what don't have in your mind like oh i'll have a snack before i go out because after you've had those two glasses of on an empty stomach that snack's not happening and then you've fucked it and the next day you wake up at 11 o'clock like et in bed and your tummy's not had any food in it for a good like

24 hours holiday drinking the next day when you go on the beach after drinking sandwich you know how thin you look because you're so dehydrated you wake up like oh okay so eat dinner like try and have some carbs before you go out drink alkaline water okay okay what's what this is a really big thing um so i've got an alkaline water tap in my house don't think i've talked about this yet no oh you think i'm boring me i only drink alkaline water where i can so alkaline water will get your body's ph right and then it stops hangovers supposedly you can buy it in the shops there's a brand called active ph that sell it bottled but like i said i've got a tap in my house so you know if you're gonna try everything i honestly would try the alkaline water everyone

you see getting an iv drip when they've got hangover they actually only work i found this out if you have the iv drip the day before you go on the night out they told me that last time i went to get an IV the girl was like yeah it will help you but your hangover's already kicked in right okay she was like you have to hydrate your body so what they say is before you go to like Ibiza Vegas or anything like that get an IV the day before you go away paracetamol and water next to your bed that is always a good shout even if like you don't have it that night but when you wake up in the morning and you are shaking then you can grab it no kids the next day i mean hang over babysitting is not not okay i think it's the prep and this is the problem so i think a lot of

mums will be the same if you've got yourself a babysitter for the night out you ain't got one for the next day i i haven't got one so i always even from being a newborn had a back from like 10 o'clock the next day it is savage a hangover with no kid is not the end of the world it's painful we hate it but you can lie that you can scroll on your phone yeah with a child it is another and then you get really bad mum guilt then you get them because you've been drinking you dirty you dirty bitch okay um nothing good happens after 1am oh my god i love this one i love this one i am gonna say two but i agree with it nothing no legit nothing all that happens is you go to an after party if you go to a house you are never ever getting out before sunrise it is

like a vortex and then like when you get in the uber i think after about three in the morning right have you ever gone out in the summer because the sunrise is early let me tell you once i came out of venus after my hand in manchester at 7 a.m and people were in their work wear and they were going to work in on in manchester and i was stood there swaying trying to get a taxi and i can't tell you how that felt when you're knocking your mum's door oh my god i once um my neighbor saw me falling over in the garden because i got in at like seven in the morning one was up cleaning i staggered in the garden for a cigarette fell over in my garden and i had to crawl back to the patio doors that's disgusting in the daylight i mean i've done it as

so yeah i think i agree with that nothing happens and once you get do not go to an after party when you get in that kitchen let me tell you something nothing good's gonna happen there's a vortex that sucks you in and it will not spit you back out until sunrise so you are never getting out of that kitchen yeah exactly and then you get the fear a bit of like going home in a taxi on your own so then you end up having to wait for someone else and then it's and then everyone's weird and sobered up and you're looking around thinking i don't know where anyone is and it's someone's oh and you need a beer poo okay stick to the same drink like i said before and then my last one is try and stay busy the next day because then you're distracted by the hangover i agree and i think one

thing i have to say about the anxiety is i've got a pretty much a pro at this now because i get it so bad i know that it isn't gonna last it's temporary that feeling of absolute utter doom the world is ending is gonna be gone in about a day so when you're feeling it okay you're feeling it but you know it's not real any don't make a decision on a hangover ever because you are not in the right frame of mind no you will go back to that but you're in depression you will make a decision that you will regret give it a couple days and you'll be strong again a shag or um anything but do you not think that makes you feel better no but depends if it is going back to an ex texting an ex what is it we call them the legacies are okay the legacies yeah but like

don't just be really careful of what you do when you're hungover because it's not real weird shit yeah just give yourself a couple of days and you'll be raring for the next night also laugh at yourself you know when you feel like i'm so embarrassing i've learned to laugh at myself and be like all those people that were there unless you're busy thinking about what they did do you remember that girl that fully shot i mean you go under over that and we were in the club and she shot herself and it was a not well it was a nice like the best place to go and she had to someone must have spiked that poor girl's drink and she had shit all over herself and she had to get carried out by the um bouncers yeah that you're not getting over that you're not getting over

that for a while however if you've just made a twat of yourself in the smoking area we all have let's laugh it off and you've moved to australia oh my god you're gone yeah yeah and also with your friends um help each other out like don't be like you were so embarrassing last night don't be that don't tell them i don't want to know what i did tell me in a few days when it's funny let's laugh about it but right let me tell you why do people do that i don't know i'm always like with my friends they're narcissists maybe babe you weren't that bad it was fucking funny you're gonna be over let's support each other and then when you're over it even if it was don't tell them and then when you're over it be like mate that night you know that you put on all fours

and crawled across the club i couldn't tell you that at the time like let's let's accept that with each other yeah definitely now okay money so this is one thing that you mentioned before lauren I feel like now in 2022 and has been to be fair for about the last five years girls holidays and girls nights out and hen news have all turned into these extravagant things where back in the day when we were in our 20s and we used to go out we'd take 20 quid on a night out oh my god yeah and a girl's holiday would be an all-inclusive and it would cost 600 quid and you would drink anything yeah and i think you will drink anything won't you and it's content it's fish bowls yeah and you didn't need all the new clothes and like it's really sad actually how it's it's turned

into that because do you know what like with what's been on the news this week like i said we're a few weeks ahead sorry guys but the politicians have said like there's going to be a massive increase in living costs and it's been broken down on how um people in their 20s now are going to afford a home it's it's not gonna it's not gonna happen and they've said you need to cut all of these things have you seen it charlie and it's basically everything that makes life enjoyable it's like they've broken everything down it's like cut your netflix subscription cut your daily coffee um cut your girls holiday cut your night out your takeaway so basically what they're leaving you with here is what they're leaving you here with is work and eating and going

to sleep yeah what a life hey no that's not a life and that's why i don't and i don't want to i want to move abroad okay we'll get into that next time this country's fucked exactly that's what we're saying so anyway so they say cut everything out no we're still going to go on our girls holidays but what i wanted to talk about which you did mention here lauren is we all need to start living within our means and being more transparent with each other about this so like i said you know it's fucking annoying when we've got one friend and she goes on all the time about i earn this much i earn this much and she is a serial drink not payer really and we're borrowing money all the time and you know you know it's not coming back she comes in my wardrobe and she takes

clothes out and i know i'm not getting them back never but she's a character and i love her and i just know that i've been had and she's gonna have me again and it's fine but you accept it i accept it but at the same time i just think like if you came to me and you were like right ashley i really want to come on your hand but it's way out of budget then i think i'd have a lot of sympathy and we'd go back to the drawing board obviously wouldn't be like lauren can't afford it i'd be like right girls why is it me that can't afford it oh was i just an example you were literally just an example but i just think like you said you need to have these conversations with your friends before you go on the night out or before you go on the holiday or the so we know where

you're at yeah my mates fucking know if i'm like we're all like i just think that comes down to who your friends are but there's two sides how honest can you be yeah exactly and if they're not your friend on that level should you really should you be going anyway so like for example with um your tits are so big they're massive and they're veiny and they are horrible i'll stop i kind of want to touch them are they hot so like if we were going out now and we got on the night out we'd go to a nice restaurant yes and we'd drink whatever we wanted all night but some people would come and if the bill came to them they'd be mortified and every time that we ordered a drink they might be like no yeah not another one or i do have people that do this they say well i only

had x y and z oh my god so i just think get it clear but actually you're saying two different things here because you're saying tell us if you can't afford it but then you're saying if someone before the night out right okay so what so we know to expect it and then we don't make an issue when we're doing the bill we're like actually you only drank like you put that much in right or you just say to them like oh babe just meet us after dinner then and you know what i've done that loads of times when i've not had enough money to go out i have said girls i'll meet you for the drinks after because that's the fun also who wants to go and fucking eat on a night who does that can i ask this whenever i go for a meal i don't want to go for a meal like no i eat nothing i just get

smashed and my food sits there yes like don't bother if you're going for a meal a meal to me is a meal a couple drinks and go home in bed yeah and or if i'm on it i'm on it yeah yeah yeah yeah like we're ordering three plates yeah we're doing three plates we're picking at them whilst we down a fishbowl so the moral of the story with the money thing is if you do get invited on a girl's holiday say and you think oh fuck i'm on a budget then you're best saying from the get-go girls i'm on a budget and the girls that you're going with are best saying well this ain't a budget holiday this is a lavish get yourself to two because you ain't coming on this exactly and i'd rather like pop yourself they said that to another holiday yeah exactly but then the rather than you stressing

out have you ever been on a girl's holiday where like the there's someone that's really pissed off the whole holiday about how much money they've spent and it's such a bad vibe i think you get negative vibes it's like a rotten apple it's like a cancer it spreads and everybody feels it and the rotten apple then makes everyone else rotten so if you're gonna be the apple yeah stay at home yeah exactly okay so tips for girls trips go on lauren i go on them all the time go on as many as you can within your budget because you don't get those memories back and i just think any opportunity if you're with a guy that is stopping this no break up with him in my my ideal relationship in my mind okay your partners yeah your best friends you go and have a good time babe i would

love to be with someone and i have been before where i send them a picture of me last night like look what i on the floor face down my mates carrying me and they're like you fucking dick that's brilliant yeah be careful tonight yeah oh you facetime with the girls you're like we're all wankered and i would give that back and i'd like tell me the funny stories what you did last night yeah you just because you're in a relationship you should have the best of every world your relationship shouldn't stop you from doing everything go on the holidays if you can afford it go on it travel have a laugh i just think go on every single one so we put some tips together okay number one don't go if you don't want to from the get-go don't force yourself and i think

that's part of what we spoke about before we did where you say no say no yeah and then get the anxiety off your back number two you don't need all the new clothes so no i think if you've got friends you can borrow a bit so like you do feel like every time i book a holiday i'm like i need all new holiday clothes okay maybe you need i think shorts tops fine you can use i have got no but i've got denim shorts that i've had for years like they i just roll them on yeah bikinis you've got your favorite bikinis i think they're fine yeah but i do i think couple of night out outfits yeah but you don't have to get everything from scratch you actually got no one pressured you do but no fucking notices no they don't no one have you ever not listen girls have you ever

noticed that your friends have the same top shop jeans on as last year or shorts sorry or have you ever noticed that the summer dress no and if you're noticing that you're a twat anyway okay next one be aware that you may have to share a room with someone you don't like so you again from the get go well why are you going on holiday with someone you don't like agree number four if you can't afford it don't say yes don't kill yourself don't and just it's hard when your friends might be doing things you want to do but don't don't get fomo then if you get left behind you might not be able to afford to go on that holiday but make that week as busy yeah do your own thing yeah exactly so one of the things i think that i've seen happen before is when one friend was like i can't afford it the

other friend that was then like yeah but she managed to afford that and she kind of that's exactly okay travel insurance lauren do you have it you don't do you i don't not even open my mouth please no yearly yeah a yearly just get a yearly one and then you're done i've got the one with my bank card yeah just do that because if anything happens dear god it's and the stuff i do wow you're not covered when you're drunk so you'd be fucked anyway okay i was sober for one hour and that time i tripped and banged my face now our last tip came when we were doing a little bit of research and someone's market research um there was this guy who it was all over the news i think it was like two years ago this happened basically he robbed eight grand from a stag do so you know

the drill guys like you'll get invited into a whatsapp group and it's darren's stag do and his best mate martin's organizing it and uh you know we all have to and dazzle there was i think there was 20 and you're going to benidorm yeah they were going to vegas or ibiza something standard high end what happened was he got all of their money off them yeah they actually turned up at the airport and this look at his face he lied and said he had cancer what he did so many mental He went to prison for 20 months. No. So we're looking at him now.

He looks so happy with himself. But what did he spend the eight grand on? Martin Galvin. Martin Galvin. If anyone knows Martin, what did he spend the money on? And what happened? How was prison?

They never got it back. So they all turned up with the T-shirt, matching T-shirts. We're going. And then they were like, no, Martin Swindler. There was another one, a girl that did the same thing,

or a woman. And again, no, are you ready for this one? she made fake airplane tickets so everyone turned up at the airport but why did she think she was she's not you're not gonna get away with that but narcissist must be oh yeah so there we go there are top tips oh we've forgotten one which was outfit planning and this is so this has really helped me i am as you know going to tulum and one of the things i've done is i've picked a color scheme okay so fuck off so my color scheme so that i'm in clothes wise so that i'm not like

taking random shoes that go with random outfits my color scheme because primary oh fuck off um listen so my colors are kind of like beiges burnt orange fuck off cream white that kind of thing so what i'm saying is i'm not taking a pair of black sliders because nothing i'm or sandals because nothing i'm wearing is black that's so complicated because black is the fucking easiest colour to wear do you know what I mean Charlie

no on holiday so all my sandals go with every outfit I've got two pairs of heels one's nude and one's gold and they will go

with all the outfits I've got and then what I'm working out is a small compact and when I work it out I will put the outfits on like you said

check that I've got the right stuff and then it will go in we call it a capsule wardrobe and my jewellery will go with each of the outfits

I need two handbags that will go with each of the outfits I'm not going to throw in there a reckless bright green outfit because then I need

the bright green heels and any bright green handbag and then it's all you take half your wardrobe with you and then you get there and wear the same shite t-shirt and shorts

the whole time yeah and nothing matches though so what I do is I try everything on I have like an evening where I try everything on I'm about to do that get all the outfits

and I take photos in them yes and then you and also you can say you're missing something from it so you take all your pictures

and you're like oh my god I need a little white tank you know put it on your list that's what you need to complete that outfit

that kind of thing saving moolah okay so what do you do when your partner comes to you and says lauren i want to go on a stag do and it's with all of his cunty mates oh do you know what i'd rather do a cunty than fit yeah that's true all his fit mates oh and rich knowing that girls are gonna come over i think the main thing is um when they go away you know right that the girls are away and the Girls are on one. Why do you get hornier when you're on holiday?

You get hornier in the sun. You know that your fella's got his top off. You are permanently drunk as well. You're permanently drunk. You know they've got their top off. You know the girl's going to see him at his fit meets. So yeah, like somebody that I know will go away to work a lot in the summer

and I'll be like, yeah, great, enjoy. Because they're going to be stood there. No top on. Girls around. And I just, I'd, oh. However, if you trust your fella. Let him go. Let him go.

and also let him enjoy himself you want that back the way i think don't bring them either no have a mutual respect where go do your thing agree when you're rough and you need a cuddle toys need to let steam off it's a thing i agree they've got some kind of animal thing so reverting back to our favorite book why men love bitches basically it says that men are like toddlers and the more that we know about fucking toddlers the more that you say to them don't press that button don't do this don't do that then they go they want to get all angry yeah when you get them into and they lie on the floor yeah exactly so with men you have to go bye bye darling have a nice time and give them a kiss and then they'll be like she's yeah from her all day why doesn't

she love me caveman and then they'll get like the fear and when they're hungover i mean we're not trying to manipulate them oh never never um also if you've got right so if there's a think of this you don't want to be the nagging girl no so say there's a bunch of them and they're all hung over fucking sir is ringing you again yeah that's stacy she always oh my god well my girlfriend she's not yours i'm bothered you she's just like and then you face them you want to be the cool you want to be the cool one and then when they face time or you face them you're like lads have you had a good time i hope you've all been getting smashed and they're like your missus is min yeah mine rings me all the time and then when they go out they see a girl and they think

oh girl my missus is annoying yeah boobies and girls do this too yeah whereas if the girl if your missus has been sound as anything you're gonna see a girl and be like yeah and also we've all like been there where like i don't know we've had too much drink or we're hungover and someone rings you and you're like i don't want to talk to you right now and then you don't like them you're like no and then all day you'll be like so basically if you both go away as long as obviously say like i've not died today i'm safe you need you blow out like leave them to it but also girls like don't put up with shit still obviously there's levels and there's respect because we have spoken about what happens on boys holidays and stuff like that but my motto if it's gonna

happen though it's gonna happen this is what i was just about to say if someone's going to cheat on you they are going to cheat on you whether it's here ibiza down the pub i agree in the same in the car in your own bed they're gonna do it i agree whether you push for it not to happen and the more you push the more they will if they're a cheater they're a cheater so don't kill yourselves over it girls you might and you know what another good tip is while they're away make sure you stay busy yeah that's your you time then yeah you've got rid of him you go on your girls nights out you enjoy yourself exactly and that's what i always do so like ed was away at the weekend i was like right i've got lunch with barbara then i've got this then i've got that

And before you know it, the three nights have gone and you've not really spoken to them much. And they're like, what girlfriend do we have? So at this moment in time, yes, I'm letting him go away when the baby's 21 days old. And I don't have a problem with it. No, actually. Because you can come around and we can drink wine. Yeah, absolutely. And I'll be bleeding.

You'll be bleeding from everywhere and you won't be able to. Oh my God, the first cesarean post poo. I can't remember it. I cried throughout the whole thing. and my husband was on the other side of the door coaching me through this movement. It was horrific, let me tell you. But wouldn't it be just worse if it was a fanny delivery?

No, because when you push to poo, you use your stomach muscles. Do you remember when the cut, you've got no core, so it just sits there, you can't get it out. Did you not get the trap wind after your cesarean? Oh yeah, no, I got... And you can't trump, and it's stuck in your shoulders. No, but then farts were just flying out of my bum.

I couldn't control them. Like after day three, I saw one of my friends... They were just flying out? They were just like, and I'd be sat there and like someone, Nana's come around to meet the new baby. And like your tummy's like out here and you just go. No, mine, I couldn't get them out and I would lie there. And I knew it was there and it wanted to come out. And if I did a tiny one, I'd be like, yes.

So you can come around for that. Okay. Okay. I will pull the poo out of your bum. Dilemma of the week, dilemma of the week. Now, we have some spicy fans. Stop saying fans. You said super fan before.

Yeah, but not when we were recording. I've not looked at this girl's profile, by the way. Yeah, can I just say, when you send us things, one thing, because let me tell you, we get hundreds. And we get weird shit. And we get weird shit. Which we love. I love the weird shit.

No one, I've never read anything and thought it was too weird. No. But what we don't do is go on your profile and see who you are. I know it sounds awful, but we don't. we don't have time when people message we don't look and think oh who is that we don't ever we don't even go on your profile we just read your stories so please don't ever feel like we're judging um i've recently discovered that my boyfriend of three years has been using a sex doll when i'm out of the house our sex life is great and we have it on a regular basis so i

really don't understand why he needs to do this i confronted him and he told me that it's no different to using his hand or a flashlight what the fuck i've got a lot of questions where was i'm speechless where did you find it when you say a sex doll do you mean like a blow up no like a cheap one or do you mean an actual purse like a full on like you know what you can get those um bits where it's just like a bottom with half legs and you just i kind of get that because it might make feel better but if it's a filthy bastard yeah if he's a doll i think i need to know more they never give us enough info i've got so many questions a flashlight is a pocket pussy so that's something that you hold in the hand and you basically shag your hand and it goes

into almost like a tube that feels like the inside of a vagina so i've heard that there's a really good one um from that brand that we got sent the vibrators lele okay they've got um a good flashlight yeah but it's like it doesn't look like a pocket pussy it looks like a um like um like some kind of man tool doesn't it do you know what I mean so I'm alright with that

I read the reviews on it did you read the reviews no but I'm alright with that I love reading sex are you alright with that if your fella had that fine

yeah as long as I'm not getting pestered one less job yeah exactly but the doll no I think that's murder of vibes why are you not alright with the doll

why do you think do you feel like it's because they're having sex with something that is a corpse a corpse

and it hasn't got any control and it is lifeless are we going too far with this like what she's saying about that pocket pussy thing like i think they've got devices in them that wank them off so it feels like a vagina i get that or like a hand job yeah okay but by the way this is so graphic but that's shagging

the sex doll right okay this is my yeah but just think you can move it around more okay maybe i don't know have you seen that tiktok where the man goes to the window and opens the curtain and is his girlfriend going out and he's like what time for a wank yeah right what is that no this is what came into my head then this little man has gone to the window go time to get dolly out and he's gone to her nose she's fucked off off the drive and then he's like gone i don't know why it's in the cupboard under the stairs in my mind and then he's like pulled out this doll and it's a really shit looking one

with hair everywhere and he's like darling it's been a while honey how have you been and then it's like the whole thought of it would you like a glass of

would he like wipe her with a baby wipe and then put some lube in like where does he start does he date her first does he

does he prop her up and have dinner does he do foreplay oh and does he do it more than once and how what does he do afterwards

is he in a relationship with the doll I think get rid of this mam i think this man's odd this man's i think he's gonna kill you he's gonna kill you he's gonna murder you babe yeah but then she said she's got a good relationship and has sex and stuff so i don't know she needs to sit down and have therapy i'm gonna say he'll buy another doll i think if you've got it in you to shag a sex doll you've got it in you to shag a sex doll have you watched those documentaries like the louis theroux one on them yes i yeah i we need to do a goggle box

one day when we watch one of them yes we'd be good on goggle box really good yeah if you're listening so right okay what's your verdict at first i was like whatever and now we've spoken about it i'm a bit like weird you need to sit down babe and speak to him why does he do it find out why what's missing because something is where have they put the doll where does the doll go does it go in a box and skip she have a bed oh my god next time we see anyone with skips on the front we're gonna wonder if the doll's in there no can we put dolls in them so their wife wakes up the next the neighbors have you seen sue and jim's skit ian fucking dirty bastard oh that's a great it's april full stay soon it's the first isn't it

it's not soon babe anyway yeah get rid of the sex doll mom okay get yourself a male sex doll and see how he fucking likes it do you know what we were talking then about goggle box weren't we about being on that we would be good on that i ashley's trying to make me apply for love island our agent is our agent which is what we need to tell you guys so we've got an agent every time i've told someone they've gone what does that mean i've gone i don't know and they've got like why have you got one what does that mean and i'm like i don't know i've just got an agent she's gonna try and get us more work so basically what we've said with the podcast like we're really open with you guys as you know we're growing the podcast and what we've tried what we've said is the people

that listen to it as far as we know so loyal so loyal and you fucking love it you love it and we're like a little community and i love that and i think there's more girls out there that could love it but we're just not getting to them we're not like a business yeah we're not good at that so what we're trying to do with our agent is basically she will put us in places where more people listen our end goal is for more listeners isn't it basically um so we have got an agent and love island was discussed and i imagine me at 31 yeah post child getting on there with all these men that are like 22 i'd be doing everyone's dinner i'd be making the lunches for them well too old they should do an older one but we we've got some other programs that we might do

yeah it's exciting so um i'm happy about that and also the only reason that we've managed to get to that point is it's because of you guys okay guys thank you so much for listening we will be back next week please share please tag please let us know your feedback follow us on instagram at the cosmetic consult and at laurenelizabeth underscore x x also our pod page is at ntngaf see you next week Thank you.