Nip Tuck - Planes, Cruises & Sample Farts

Episode Date: May 24, 2023

This week Lauren is discussing her upcoming holiday plans including going on a cruise for the first time and Ashley is not supportive. Lauren shares a tip for when you need to pass wind on a plane without getting caught and both girls discuss how their men make going to the loo such a big deal. Plus Slutty Steve is back in touch with another brutal knockout story!To sign up for Patreon for more exclusive content and full video episodes, click this link: https://patreon.com/niptuckpodTo get involved with the show, you can send us a DM on Instagram and TikTok, find us @niptuckpod.Or you can email [e-mail] can also send us your beauty questions, icks, dilemma's and Slutty Susan confessionals via WhatsApp! You can text or voice note the girls on [phone] Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

hello and welcome to nip tuck not giving a flying a flying fuck like the lady in the lift this morning who told me to move because she was late for work hurry late late for work oh my god that's just reminding me of a story i've got to tell you after i've been laughing about all weekend right i don't remember okay okay um anyway this is the podcast where we celebrate being positive aspirational women this is all about being unapologetically yourself yourself okay guys coming up on today's podcast we find out what a sample fart is we're discussing two celebrities that are currently at war and how we would handle it if me and ashley fell out and why lauren didn't come to my wedding i wasn't invited so on nip tuck we want you to get your voices heard we need

to you're the ones that give us the content exactly that lauren so you can email us at hello at nip tuck pod.com you can get in touch via whatsapp as well so that means voice notes which we can play out in future episodes but if you want to remain anonymous do not worry we will never ever ever reveal who you are just head over to this episode's description for more information because we want to know what's been getting on your tits your beauty questions and of course the favorite the embarrassing stories because that makes us all feel much better about life doesn't it just anything you want to know get in touch um because we don't give a fuck no hopefully you don't as well like hopefully we've taught you to fuck less no fuck more fuck more give less of

them and don't forget guys we also are now over on patreon so you can watch full video episodes over on patreon me scratching my i actually just scratched my vagina and i thought shit this is filmed now right lauren don't sell it like that please but anyway over on patreon um you're gonna hear us talking about that more um we will deliver the same amazing podcast twice a week but there we'll just be some extra bits on there and for me my favorite part of it is that you can watch full video episodes you can get it up on your tv and watch it with a nice cup of tea and watch people were a bit worried that this was going to change what we've already got it isn't everything is exactly the same this is extra we have two shows a week which sounds a lot it's not to get

through the shite we want to talk the the reviews the live q and a's the funny stuff like our lives they're hilarious there's always something going on with us um to go through all that to answer your dilemmas to get it all we there's too many to do in two shows so this is just extra this is like a an overflow um and also we can be slightly more personal on there if you thought that was even true yeah because we feel safer over there i feel like as well totally yeah so if you head over to our socials and click on our link tree in our bio then tap on patreon you can sign up there we're gonna do um i think we're gonna get in the diary some form of like a sleepover or something aren't we where we can go live with you guys we've got just so many things so many ideas

but we needed another platform to do it all on there's just wasn't enough time on here but this is still gonna be exactly the same right right life updates this is where we kick everything off with like catch up just a little catch up we've actually not seen each other for ages because obviously lauren's on a holiday because she's always on holiday and then she's always really busy so this is the time of year where lauren does this is a time of year when my life falls apart because i don't know what to say i said i wasn't doing it and all i've done so i said i wasn't going to do this holiday thing again right where i go too many times you're doing it i know because what happens is yeah it's great oh yeah you're on holiday and please don't get me wrong

i'm really great like an amazing holiday but then the week before the holiday the week after because i've got to fit everything in just to allow i've just had three days in estepona which was lovely by the way um but did any disasters happen james got severely burned on the first day so yeah but that's your job to look after him i drank too much sangria and passed out i actually passed out on the summer like that um and i did say to him like put it on so but to get to that point the amount of like rushing around and i'm going away listen to fucking this this is going to be really fun when i do this i'm going away on your cruise i'm going on a cruise guys you're gonna fucking hate it i'm not right so my friend you are my friend's on it at the minute um

chloe adair she's she's like a big instagrammer she's on it at the minute and it may it does honestly the same part of that time of my life we'll see the way i the way i looked at it right i'm going to all these different places that i'd like to see i'm going to can i'm going to barcelona i'm going to a beef i'm going to parma and me and james are going together the restaurants have you seen honestly the restaurants look beautiful we'll see let's just say you'll see so with me especially because i'm like mum mode life comes at you hard like when i go away you know i already live in a nice house i need it to be nicer than my house that i live in because i'm going away on holiday yeah okay um i need a bed that's comfier than mine i need proper sleep

like i went to that retreat and i came back and i felt 10 out of 10 recharge ready to go how do you know you're gonna come back feeling like asshole so some of my friends went on the best cruise ship in the world okay and they didn't like it it was a very different situation the one they went on right i'm ending the story there but let's see how you get on with your cruise i want you to have a nice time it's free that'd be like someone saying to me like hey do you want to sleep in my garden it's free like no it's not though right sandwich like no this this kind of thinking glorious i think i'm gonna really enjoy it honestly i really do i really do and me and james will do it right i tell you what if it's good i'll come with you

next year right i'm gonna tell the truth about it like um i'm going with a company called trending travel um so i'm gonna try it i'm gonna be honest like i said i'm going on it for free but i'm not gonna say it's amazing if it's not because i'm just not gonna do that so what i'll tell you the truth right okay um but how does it work like where do you get on the boat so we're flying to barcelona yeah my friend chloe's just done it perfectly she did two nights in barcelona yeah enjoyed barcelona then she got on the ship what are the other people on there like and i don't speak to people anyway so it doesn't matter i won't be talking to anyone else you'll be in close proximity i won't because i get off every day i'm not going to be on it i'll go there

for my evening meal because it's free a poo sandwich and a wee milkshake no I'll go there because honestly the restaurants

Ash I'm not you'll be just wait I'm just too old I'm too old for this I'll tell you what I'm going to do I'll tell you what I'm going to do I'm going to send you

Chloe's Insta her highlights and you're going to watch them and just tell me what you think there are certain parts that yes questionable for me other parts unreal I'm going to eat there at night

but in the day I'm going to be in a beef roll I'm going to be in Cannes I've booked a beach club doubt that that bit sounds amazing it's just the right it's just like supposedly the beds on these things and like a camp bed right okay well that maybe wouldn't be good maybe take your own pillow with you i'm not like you though like i have to have a feather pillow if my pillow is not goose down then i cannot sleep i have to take my silk pillowcase so you want a dead

Is it a dead animal Really No but like Do you know like Fibre pillows We can't have them Because James has got Such bad asthma

My asthma Okay well we'll see But I guess we're Going in Cannes So there's a beach Called La Guarite Something like that You have to get

On a little boat To get to it And it looks insane Chloe went there That's why I've copied her And it's like 12 o'clock In the day And everyone's eating

But they're all dancing But they've got kids And stuff as well The kids are dancing What time do you have To get back on this Boat thing Depends

It depends like the Ibiza one it's docked overnight so you can go to Pascha and roll on to the cruise ship if you want it's docked overnight but sometimes it sets off at 10 or 8 or I don't know depends remember as well to take your passport out with you because you have to show all your documents when you get back on the boat okay don't be losing that I know you anyway you need to get an air tag so I actually was thinking about that so um yeah so we just went away and one of the things that really made me laugh while we were away um is and i wrote it down so when i think when something happens i write it down on my phone like on my notes so i can talk about so james made up a thing

called a sample fart right so i was crying so i sat there on the on the plane and when i get on a plane i always get horrific wind oh doesn't everyone and it's and it's always as soon as you land in the hotel and you've got to put your bikini on you look five months pregnant Well, while I'm actually on the plane, I get horrific wind. It must be the air pressure. And I'm also during my period. And when I'm during my period... Oh, baby poos.

Baby poo. And baby trumps. And baby trumps, right. And you can think it's only a tiny thing. So this is what happened. Right. An SBD. So this is what happened.

So we're on the plane and we've got another person sat next to us, me and James. And I was like, I went, I've got really bad farts. I said, but there's someone next to us. He was like, just do a sample. And I went, a what? And he went, a sample fart. i went what's a sample fart and he said you just do a little i can't spray and she said it's a sample fart and if no one notices it's got something there then you go in with the big one

so we were sat there and i thought right i'm gonna do a sample fart and then literally within seconds he went and i was like yeah no more so i've never heard of a sample fart i think it's amazing that but yeah so whoever's on the plane next to me do you know what people that can do a shit on plain toilets different kind of person no shame all right our class is animals yeah would eat a poo sandwich would eat a poo sandwich would sleep in a garden yeah we'll go on a cruise ship you've got to basically do that that's what my friend said that the shower is like a trickle of water as well so maybe book a blow dry somewhere they said they didn't feel clean because the shower the hair and james is a big guy isn't he like the shower heads like down there

and they said that it was just like a buxton water bottle like coming up dry shampoo you'd be great can't wait to go um maybe shave before you go well do you know since i've had laser i couldn't go to my last bloody appointment but since i've had laser i bet i'm i think i'm on six what are you on not that many um and literally i shaved once before i went on holiday i didn't have to do it again so amazing but it was fine absolutely fine my pubic hair was just like baby hair i think i need a couple more but i'm really fair so it takes so much longer yeah i've done my armpits as well they literally it's really good armpits has worked on me really nearly we get ours done at palace and co we do we do right we need to talk about something because it was that sample

part yeah we need to talk about something what something quite big really that we need to considering our future careers phil and holly oh my god what are we gonna do if me and lauren fall out right can i ask out of us two who's phil and who's holly i'm phil aren't i why are you phil a bit weird it's a bit weird isn't it yeah i sit more on the fence don't i i'm holly you're holly with the big blonde hair and white teeth and i'm i'm phil i'm phil um i'm philips go phil so So basically, Phil is also... I don't know what's gone on here. Yeah, I think she's going to walk as well.

But do you know what I want to fucking know? What? What the fuck Alison Hammond did to be blackmailed by that much? Yes! What did she do? Did it never come out? I mean, it's never, ever come out, and I don't think it's going to.

And she got blackmailed, it said in the news, for, like, cash and a car. What did they have on her? something deviant can't be nudes because I just let them go I'd keep my car and let

let my pastrami sandwich go like whatever so Phil and Holly have fallen out I like Alison Hammond by the way

yeah I like her I think isn't isn't Rylan taking over he's done well for himself hasn't he he's been struggling

recently hasn't he bless him yeah he's nice I love him so Phil and Holly have fallen out

I don't exactly know why I think his brother has had a child sex case going on but that should not go against him well this is what

I didn't quite understand but then there's been whispers of things that he's done but I fair enough what he's done but I don't actually

understand why the brother thing is even being mentioned in the papers what really I think because he didn't address it or something

it's not it's his brother I don't think he should have to really I really don't like if my brother did something like that

I'm not addressing it that's it nothing to do with me hi guys brother's people hi guys just to let you know yeah like

I just don't think and it says No it's bad he's gone to prison for a long time Yeah it's horrific but it isn't Phil that did it

so why is that even in the when you read the article okay you're not on TikTok you've not seen the stuff on TikTok but the stuff about Phil

doing really bad stuff and not being a great person that yeah about him but I still don't think it should say in the article about his brother don't think that's

his business well watch this space but what we've got to ask though is if we fell out well I'd continue on my own and be really successful

Will that psychon call her daddy When Sophia and Alex fell out I bet Sophia's fuming She's got a podcast but it's not as good Who else has fallen out Like that's a duo Do you think Anne and Dec are still mates After that drink driving thing

Probably not If we fell out I mean I couldn't be arsed But if we did I don't think that we really would fall out I think we've had lots of years to fall out And we're not that dramatic either are we really

I'd just crack on or I'd pretend we were still friends you know that thing we'd just walk in and sit down and just be like hi

and then like and then be like hi and then the cameras went off be like if we fell out what would we do

don't know I don't we're not gonna I don't think I can't be arsed I literally you could do something really bad

and I fucking can't too busy ain't got time to be I don't understand women right in the 30s or 40s that fall out

that have fallen out with a friend I haven't fallen out with a friend i don't do you know what i really really really hate if something bad's happened just break away and leave oh i've yeah just go just go like recently i the other day i got some really horrible messages of someone i sent you the screenshots of them ah okay okay and if you're on patreon you will have just seen uh the gesture that just does so uh there's your team i did you were lovely i i was lovely and then i ignored and i thought we

are not going to carry this conversation on we're done yeah we're not going to continue this conversation i thought they were odd messages the whole thing the whole thing was an odd situation remember we discussed on patreon yeah let's discuss it a bit too much of a wide forum here i just thought the whole thing was i just think do you know i think live and let live but again women in their 30s with kids like yeah i'm good i don't want to discuss this i just think like anything like that unless i really need to i just let it go mate focus on what you're doing and don't even look at what a petty petty

you know what I really don't like that honestly girls look out for this trait girls that bitch about their other friends yeah that's not good

big red flag obviously we're all allowed a little moon here and there absolutely but I've been in certain friendship groups that I dip in and out of

and they terrify me because they talk where one girl will walk out and they'll go oh my god have you seen like what's she done to my face

I don't like that I don't like that that's mean no and and like what you would say i would rather someone said to me what have you done to your face yeah like we've said shit like that you've gone too far like and you're just like oh i know i don't know like that's much i'd rather that than someone wait till i've walked out and then said it their poo sandwich eaters their poo sandwich right anyway um i my my life update right what's

happened to your carpet you said you got so i am fucking i need to get off from here and go home because of carpet cleaner and emergency carpet cleaners coming out so um they have such thing as nothing about cleaning i'm looking for a weekend nanny anyone that can help me no she only does every other weekend on a saturday morning right okay um so if anyone can help me is it hard to find a nanny the right one position i've ever been in um i'm the fucking nanny in my house no i need help um because teddy's that age where you have to watch him 24 7 24 well this is why so i need a weekend nanny anyone interested knutsford way good pay please please anyone wants to be a nanny i think it's quite a nice job i don't like kids oh oh i like anyway that's the

story so okay but like i wouldn't want to spend does anyone else's husband when they're not at turn into a zombie when they sit on the sofa with their hands down the pants watching some form of sport? They do. They do. I saw James stood up

watching the telly and I didn't know what he was watching but I said to my friend that he's watching football and when I walked in he was because he was like this at the screen.

Yeah, honestly. So anyway, he had a Diet Coke on the floor. On the floor. And I was doing laundry so I put Teddy next to me so I said,

watch Teddy. Anyway, come in. teddy is having a party with a full can of diet coke and champagne spray no no it's gone a whole can everywhere why did he put it on the floor bespoke silk rug you know the one the gray one yeah and um anyway so i'm there like just yeah so he moves and i start trying my best to clean it didn't work anyway um the next morning i went downstairs and that night like i was the kids had just done my head and i was so tired one of those days i was like right put them both to bed 8 p.m i was like i'm going to bed like good night you zombie out whatever and he must have noticed

that the stains were progressively getting worse like panicking throughout the day he thought in the morning yeah i'm getting it and i said to him please will you just like empty and reload the dishwasher for me as well like there that is all i'm asking so i come downstairs in the morning and he's moved the sofa over the stains like you just you can imagine i can't keep doing it going uh so fun and he's put the stuff from the sink into the dishwasher i be clever wife not know staying i move over yes and wife think i empty and refill dishwasher but i just put dirty in me not do no work honestly it's just you know what really um so what are you gonna do what

the carpet man's coming today what really annoys me about men um and there's a few things one of the things is when they have a poo oh my god 25 minutes right i can't tell you when i need and it's always just as you're leaving the house yeah so when i need a poo i go when i when i get a second i sit down poo comes out and i pee comes out and i get up within a minute i was i sit down I poo, I wipe, I get up, I wash my hands. I know you don't wash your hands! So it's a minute of a job and I run and do it. And if I can't do it at that minute, I wait a few minutes and then go.

But I can hold a poo in. Or I hold a poo in all day, if I need to. They can't hold poos in. And then you say, just do me a favour, will you just get such and such dressed? I will after I've had a poo. It's not an appointment. They say it as if it's a scheduled appointment. I will after I've had a poo.

Go and let them dress and have a poo. The house could be burning down and they'll still be sat on a gambling app having a shit. And they sit there with their legs open, leaning. Does yours have to basically get undressed to have a bit of... Naked. They take all the clothes off to do the poo. They lean like this with the phones. And they watch either videos.

All I can hear from James is fighting videos. So like MMA. Or gambling. Or Sky Bet. and they sit there and they poo and they wait for more annoying as fuck

they wait for more poo and then and then I'll say where are you every time I say where are you how many centres metres dilated are we do you need some assistance

he literally I'll say to him where are you I'm on the toilet you're always on there fucking but he says it as if how many shits a day

do men have they say it as if it's like something that is their right it's their right to book an appointment I just have one a day i think it takes me i don't even know when i have them because it's just such a whereas for them

it's an event it's an event it's like having you must enjoy it they just don't want to do anything and they sit there and they can hear the habit in the house when i worked at selfridges in manchester there was this group of australian guys that were fucking hilarious that were over like on uni or something yeah and they were all actually really fit um and they used to on the work laptop they went on this website called something like pay for my dump and they used to calculate how much they could pay whenever they went for a shit they'd put this timer on and at the end of the year guys we've got like 400 quid spent on beer for all the shits we've had on Selfridges money yeah this is what men oh wow yeah i'd get nothing um because i literally take two seconds like and

i hold it all day if i needed one now i wouldn't have time i'll do it when i've got time which is probably about six o'clock tonight um anyway enough about shits we did our first tiktok shop oh my god it was so funny right so we really enjoyed it it went quick as well didn't it um you know it was really good fun um it was funny though because you were live for we were live for two hours it went like that it went like that but i think about being live for two hours i was exhausted and we were getting changed as well and showing people the outfits we did it for caramella didn't we um so we were showing the outfits and like people were saying can i have another look at this can i look at and then we were packing it for them and we ended up some

it all got a bit weird like at one point ash was pretending to be wayne lineker and i was a girl ocean and we did that and then we reenacted james proposing to me at one point as well it got weird so if any other brands want us to come and do a tiktok shot yeah it was good fun um get in touch or if you want us to do one and then you can go over there and watch us and ask us things and we also were on a billboard how cute is it that james drove out of his way to manchester just to go and take a picture because he was that proud of me how lovely is that like he wasn't in manchester he drove there to get he said i was like he's like i'm not he's still on his probation period

just remember that how long do you think that's for 18 months I've got 6 months left milk it milk it

I wonder when he's going to propose to me oh god probably on the cruise on the actual ship

anyway right right now I think that that deserves a break after that I think that's been a long one

hasn't it we'll be back after the break with what's on our tits and your slutty season confessionals but first are you a loyal listener of Nip Tuck

are you watching us now because you've got Patreon hello do you set an alarm on Wednesday and Friday ready for the new episodes do you laugh out loud at the gym in work when you shouldn't be listening in the car tell your nearest and dearest about

us so if you share the link to this podcast in your whatsapp then more people will see it more people will love us just do it now yeah go and share share it right welcome back my loves now another rambling i've just realized i i early rambled with my mampu that was what was getting all ticked i just got i couldn't wait any longer you've got one other one here though that you've noted down flower bow again as you know we have as i think of things i write lists of what i want to talk about um i'm sorry if anyone's doing it i've got

no you know i i hate these neck flower bows is it called like a corsage and they have a bikinis in them now and they have dresses and they and they basically have a big flower on your neck it's a brand and then people are now copying it and then everyone's all the fast fashions now copying it it's a very scouser thing to do it's just i hate it and listen girls we fucking love the people i've noticed more scousers in it but i just don't like it like there's nothing wrong like you all look amazing i feel like men wouldn't like i know i think it's a bit much what are you like it's like a tumor on the neck i i think it's very high fashion oh it is and i And, like, me going down, like...

You going down to Victor's in it is not high fashion. I'm not keen. No, there's a bikini, and I've seen a swimming costume. I think it's a costume. Silly. When you're hot and sweaty, you don't want a big corsage in your grill. But Mango did one, and it's really nice,

and it's a swimsuit with one there. A small one on the chest. And we're talking about, like, strangulation vibes. The neck ones. I think a small one on the chest. I'm not a flower person anyway. That's just not my... That's not...

yeah you're not a floral oh my god it's so funny we've been invited recently to quite a few openings for different clothes brands yeah that we just wouldn't wear i mean the fact that anyone thinks we would why and you keep getting asked to do wax melts the the the clothes right honestly they were full flora like floor length they were like breastfeeding friendly yeah we just i thought you've never listened to the pod you've never watched what we what we wear you've just sent it because imagine they were literally like you know when you have a v-neck there and the floral they've got holly willoughby vibe yeah to cover your arms and they go to the floor just never would i be seen in that and it's fine if someone

else does i'm not promoting it you'd laugh you would all laugh if i wore those dresses do you want to hear what's getting on my tits yeah you do it phil phil people go on then holly feel the need to screenshot messages between them their boyfriend or their friends and post it on instagram no i don't i share it when my friends do it i hate it yeah it's not cool do you know what stop doing it please everyone no one gives a flying fuck about your whatsapp messages it cringes me out you're right because it's almost like saying look how funny i am or look how funny me and my friends are you're right actually it is like at what point no i get it if you're on patreon you'll see us yeah screenshot yeah yeah no you're right

do you know what I don't do it often I share it but I have done it in the past and actually when I've done it I've thought

this isn't cool now you've said it I have thought I've done it and thought it's not cool that oh my god and do you know what

is still continuing and becoming more and more prevalent the fucking 5am club and the do it then what I have done

today got up had a shit had a poo sandwich Screenshot messages Between me and my friends Tied the bow around my With the flower on

Fuck off mate We don't give a flying fuck I know Done my goal list Get back in your box Do you know what though It's all positive stuff I sent you one on Instagram

This morning It's just heavy I agree with it all But I just think Just do it Just do what you're doing And get on with it Like we don't

I feel like the fact That people need to preach It so much Is because they've got They need to prove it To themselves get up at five amazing have a coffee and do you like totes another thing if you want abroad weddings i'll be having one and i've already had one so an article's come out lauren

and it says the average going to a wedding this summer on average will set you back at least a thousand pounds the one i just went on was more last year way more don't go then don't fucking come then that's literally my point don't come i've done i want to get the list smaller so actually please don't come yeah but obviously i'll come to yours no i don't mean you i mean person someone in general that has a problem with that don't go yeah i don't just don't go well that's the thing i do and the reason i didn't abroad wedding the first time and the reason i'll do it another time is so that people don't go because you have to pay 50 to 100 pounds minimum up ahead i'd rather you didn't go are you gonna have a big wedding so one of the good things about

abroad weddings and one of the reasons i did it it's like a cull it's a cull so you invite people knowing they're not coming but did cost a grand come that you were not and if they didn't fine i'm not asked i didn't want that money anyway so basically the reason i did it and the reason not one of the reasons the main reason is the sunshine and the setting to be honest like it makes yeah and the reason i do it again is for that reason and i just love being abroad and i think it's lovely but when you're doing a broad wedding right you have to invite cousin tom dick and harry cousin it's because this is why i had a time you have to invite them sometimes that's so true because when you invite one person you're like well if i've invited it's really hard

also you get people that are wedding crashers that will go just they don't really want to go but it's free they want a free fucking meal they want their people like that out there you ask them sandwiches yeah they wanted to come for a free piece like you on your cruise yeah and there are those people right so you doing a broad wedding that's going to cost everyone a grand yeah you ain't going they're not going to come wedding crashes aren't coming and paying a grand the only people that will go there unless you can't afford it and that's a shame but the only people who will go there are the people that like you enough and want to be there enough and they're the only people i want and i think as well like don't invite people like two years ahead like

i caught an rsvp for a wedding in two years and i'm like you're very close friends please don't stress me out i don't even know what i'm doing tomorrow i agree that's too much but yeah i know i love an abroad wedding we yeah i'm either gonna do a jamie lang and habbo first wedding Haboo. Haboo? Yeah. I thought it was Habbo. No.

Is it Haboo? Yeah. Oh, I prefer Habbo. Right. Haboo. Yeah. Well, it's Lange now, so. Right.

Well, I'm either going to do their- The registry. Mm-hmm. What really cool, like that, which will take a second, or I'm going to do the abroad. Well, they did both. Yeah, but I'm not a millionaire. But I love an abroad wedding. I already know what dress I would probably wear.

Weddings. big weddings are for narcissists I said it and from 2024 onwards we're going to be seeing a massive decline in weddings

because everyone's realising that they're for narcissists and they're a huge waste of money massive mine was anyway I fucking love wasting money

and I think that they're an absolute piss tape waste of money really I like them I like a wedding oh I just think the memories forever I'd love the pictures

of me and Jake it's narcissistic that's what I'm saying me a day about me me me me me no but i just think a day i just think it's i'd love to watch it see him when i walk down the aisle do you know what i fucking hate being told what to wear oh you didn't like my hen do when i

made you a call it didn't suit you did you i wouldn't do that again i wouldn't even have a head that's so awful that you did that to me lauren no she made everyone wear nude and then she wore a different color oh my god i was 26 25 or 26 right i'm 33 we went out to teens gate locks or something where did we go it was somewhere i got smashed and then ran into my my cake head first i know that when i got home i didn't have to party yeah and i took on view house the next day and i was fucked um i wouldn't have it so my friend sophie said to me yesterday would you have a hen i don't even want one i'm not interested i've partied everywhere i don't want to i've partied you didn't even come to my hen do i wonder why you couldn't be asked could

Were they not? No. Were they not? Are you sure I couldn't be arsed? You weren't pregnant. I don't know. I thought I'd throw it out there in case. No, you just couldn't be arsed.

That was weird though. Yeah, because you couldn't. I think it was when you were with someone weird. Oh, so I just didn't want to see anyone. Yeah. Okay. Anyway, yeah. Abroad weddings.

If I have one, then it will be abroad probably, yeah. So you better save up £1,000 for them. Oh, don't come because I don't care. Well, you didn't come to mine. What? was it not on my birthday you just didn't i don't think you invited me i did you didn't you didn't you didn't you didn't because i was pissed off with you because you couldn't be arsed driving down the road if i hadn't right anyway let's go into slutty susan's sorry holly oh lozza you read

this in your blokey voice pardon because it's slutty steve i need my blokey voice you you sound like more of a bloke than me i'm phil you're holly so exactly i'm only repeating what you said right let's go slutty steve is back don't let the door hit you on the way down okay hello hello hello ladies and the amazing lucas hope you're all well and feeling sexy as ever wow thank you for reading my previous email regarding anal trauma ah it's the guy who whose girlfriend went to the hospital and it was a dad right okay fantastic i like him um okay thank you for reading my previous email regarding anal trauma these things happen i suppose right let's take two yes let's a few years ago i saw this girl we

were texting one morning which turned into sexting before i know it she's on her way round it's about to go off happy fucking day i want to know who this is can you tell me who you are my house was upside down i was decorating each room all at the same time who knows that in the typical male fashion of taking too much off doors off doors off and against what's not james is it i bet it's james all these stories doors off and against the wall dust sheets down and just shit everywhere she came through i wouldn't have let her around mate she came through the door before i could close it behind her the clothes were off christ we ended up on the bedroom threw her on the bed

and she started to push my head down south oh do girls do that I've never done that I always think please don't do that all was going well in case it smells

no just they're not very good they're not very good at it no all was going well and dandy until I caught my dick on the bottom of the bed oh

I moved backwards caught my feet on the bedroom door that was laying against the wall behind me the door had been sanded that morning then it came

smashing down on the back of my head oh Oh, my God. It knocked him out. It knocked him out naked, mid shag. The door had been sanded that morning.

It came smashing down the back of my head, fell down the side of the bed, knocked him out with his penis out. Fucking hell. His hard penis. Well, it won't be hard anymore. After coming round and opening my eyes, she was laying on the bed just in a hoodie watching TV. Nice of you to join me.

I was just about to finish myself off. she worked in private health care and somehow just knew i was okay didn't even look bothered just fucking left me there balls and dick balls and dick out with the door on top of me paintbrush hanging out my ass that was her idea of a joke it could have been a roller i suppose you just knocked yourself out i wasn't too worried you had a pulse five minutes late we got back at it and laughed about it afterwards from now on i pay someone to get any house decorating alteration oh it's worth paying ladies keep doing what you're doing my your pod is my way out when times get hard the laughs and motivation go a long way take care p.s ross kemp's daughter messaged me

saying have you written into nip tuck you bastard so she must have been sat driving on her way to work oh let's put nip tuck on and then the most traumatic moment of her life is replayed and thank you for your story i love that so basically he was shagging her got knocked out by a door lay on the floor with the door on him she put a paintbrush up his ass what a fucking episode guys i bet you've got a lot more of those stories that was a corker well done us we rambled but i feel like we got a lot off our chests so get in touch guys remember on nip tuck we want you to get your voices heard you can email us at hello at niptalkpod.com you can also get in touch via whatsapp that means voice notes too which we can play out in future episodes don't worry though if you prefer to

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Thank you, guys. And we will be back with a bonus episode. We will, on Friday. Of Nip Tuck this Friday, and it's all about you, your dilemmas, beauty questions, anything you want to ask us. So, guys, if you send over something now, you may get to hear it on Friday's episode. You may. Thanks for listening.

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