Nip Tuck - Please Welcome Slutty Steve!

Episode Date: April 5, 2023

Todays episode got off to a stressful, almost messy start for one of the girls and they made the mistake of sending a voice note to the team explaining why. Can you guess who it was? Lauren had a traumatic weekend with her new car and some strange thieves and Ashley's getting all motivational and spiritual, much to the annoyance of Lauren.In a first for Nip Tuck, Slutty Susan is joined by Slutty Steve as the girls get a message from a male listener and they LOVE IT!To get involved with the show, you can send us a DM on Instagram and TikTok, find us @niptuckpod.Or you can email [e-mail] can also send us your Icks & Dilemma's via WhatsApp! You can text or voice note the girls on [phone] Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

hi guys and welcome to nip tuck not giving a fuck this is the podcast where we celebrate being positive aspirational women this is all about being unapologetically yourself yourself coming up on today's show lauren's ruined her new car and almost soiled the rental ash is getting spiritual and motivational and lauren is on the hunt for thieves and perpetrators on nip tuck we want you to get your voices heard you can email us at hello at nip tuck pod.com you can also get in touch via whatsapp that means voice notes too which we can play out in future episodes simply head over to this episode's description for more information we want to know what's been getting on your tits what's giving you the ick any questions and of course

your embarrassing sex stories basically we don't give a fuck and we're back oh my god i met a scottish person on friday what just in general but when i was in the pub and me and my sister had had a few guys and we were like you're Scottish oh I bet they loved that and then

I bet that's so annoying in Scottish yeah and we were like you're Scottish can you listen we're really good at doing Scottish

oh no I bet they thought you were such a cunt and then we were like who's had her shit and he was like what he didn't know

what who's had her shit was he didn't and we showed it I thought everyone in Scotland knew that didn't find it funny either maybe Scottish people

aren't funny that's the funniest video circulating the internet and someone that's Scottish doesn't even know it it's their heritage that's part of their heritage it's more than

it's more Scottish than a kilt maybe they were lying maybe it was them who'd done it who'd done it the women Scottish women are really funny so I don't know why

the men are not Scottish people are funny they're just funny without anything so yeah Scottish people are funny maybe it was just that one person

maybe you didn't know maybe you didn't think Pooh was funny like we do so speaking of Pooh um lauren has turned up late for recording and we got a voice no didn't we lukey do you want to play it guys i'm not gonna make it i'm gonna shit myself i'm going to shit myself so i'm gonna have to um we have to stop at mcdonald's i'm gonna shit you can hear it in your voice i'll be on

time but i just won't be early like i'm gonna poo this is horrific and you sound really angry at the um i've had a really stressful morning not like me so oh not like you how i needed the i'm not even in my car i'm in the car from the garage while they've got my car and i'm gonna poo in someone else's car what do i even do right so this morning um i've had a very busy morning already um i had to leave the house at seven because i had to go you know my eyes have fallen off my car yeah off my ange over so i've been to send them back um and they gave me their car which oh my god by the way if anyone needs a car nuttall automotive yeah they've literally hashtag collab no actually i wish it was i have been the worst customer you could ever have so i

took it back and guess what i've done i've scratched all the alloys i've had it a week um and they were like the pride and joy of the car like they're like these amazing wheels and I've just had to take it back and say, I've scratched them all already. Yeah, but there's no point in getting them fixed if you're just going to scratch them again. There's nothing worse than that noise when you hear... That's right, Ed doesn't ever let me use his car.

Honestly, I thought, I rang James, I was like, I've done it already. He was like, it's fine. So anyway... Just get a bit of a felt tip pen on there. Yeah, it's fine. I was going to fix them, but I probably will do it again. So anyway, dropped my car off.

They gave me theirs, which was a Jaguar I-Pace. That's fast. I was literally going down the model. Like, my face has been like, I didn't even mean to. So, it's an electric car. Have you ever driven an electric car? It's, anyway. Aren't they really quiet, though, electric cars?

I've been sat in the car park, turning it on and off, not knowing if the engine was off yet or not. But it was really good. It made you go really fast. Really, really fast. So, anyway, I'm setting off and I'm thinking, I need a poo. And it just got, what, 45 minutes? What, is it, like, after your morning coffee?

Yeah, I have had a coffee. Ooh. and and it's just getting worse you were one ginger shot away from pooing my pants and i'm thinking if i follow through now it's not my car i know them quite well now luckily um and also halfway to getting to work i get a message off of saying you've taken your own keys so you can't even get the work done on you no so i've left my car there borrowed theirs nearly pooed my pants in the car and taken my keys with me so they can't get into my car um so yeah then i ran in and i have done a poo so i feel a lot better but have you ever needed a poo and then also needed a wee

it's called a woo right so it is the closer i got to work my bladder started filling up because when you need a poo and then your bladder then fills up it's another level of like panic i was sweating i was needing a wee more and more and i was just sweating anyway i washed my hands because i've pooed a little bit on my hand honestly i have had such a stressful few days yeah it's it's been a lot this morning and you were just when i walked in they were both just sat there with their arms folded knowing that i'd pooed myself anyway i'm here and thank you for playing the voice now and it's a good start to everybody's wednesday morning there might be other people in the car driving to it now thinking they need a poo too and they understand okay should we carry

on with the day then i'm so excited for this i'm so excited for this so me and lauren like we've said before it's it's ruining our friendship i know because we don't speak like so like all week we won't speak till monday because we both want to like see each other's reactions on things to the goss so you're back like everyone's invested in this oh you couldn't even write so if you follow my instagram you will have seen this unfold everyone was with me on it like everyone was like what no but you didn't put too much of what had has happened because you've saved it for the pod yeah i've saved it i mean i just can't i don't even know where to begin okay so basically on friday night i got my bag stolen from my car um which was really really shit so me and james went

for dinner um we got in the car we went to tesco we nipped in to get some snacks no what guess what we nipped in to get fags pile cream for james right so this whole time i've been blaming him into a big pain in the ass didn't it so i've been moving him and he said to me lauren i'm really embarrassed because i know you're going to say on the podcast what we went into tesco for and everyone's going to know i've got piles everyone has piles i said that to him so they'll come the bum grape thing yeah i've never had it no no no not like a full-on grape it's like a deflated they can be internal they can be external like it can be like a deflated grape they're not always i thought so i've had a look at this particular pile i was like show me he was like no no lauren i was

like anyway um and some of them they're not always like i always thought they were like a grape but they're not they're deflated aren't they yeah what causes them i'm just no it's it's modern day life honestly like because we used to get yeah so stuff no not that but um in the olden days when we were made we used to poo into holes so like you'd poo like into a hole so if you're pooing now you poo on a toilet don't you so it causes you meant to have your legs up yes So you're meant to use a little stool. To cause a strain on your bottom. And it's modern day life.

Like we're sat down on our bums all day. On your body hole. We're eating different food. And yeah, it's not good for our bum holes. So we went in to get the pile cream. And I've not let him forget this. Because this actually is his fault. Because if he didn't have that.

Did you get a behind the counter one? He made me go because he wouldn't go. No, it was seven o'clock. I know. I said, James, imagine you were a woman, right? Do you know how many hands I've had up my vagina? so to speak like I was like

how can you be embarrassed about your bum hole Edward even buy me tampons yeah do you know what I mean as a woman

by the age of like our age how many how many doctor's hands have you had up your mange like literally you've pooed yourself

giving birth in front of a room full of people like men have just got no clue about dignity anyway anyway so we get out the car

I grab my purse I left my bag in everyone's like why did you leave your bag because I just got my purse and I didn't

I didn't think about anything valuable really in the bag and my phone was on charge and his phone was there we didn't need them we were nipping into Tesco

I wouldn't have left my phone you can't really steal people don't steal phones that much anymore because they're worthless I know but I don't have a purse I've just got my phone Apple Pay

yes normally I've not got my phone away from me it's normally on me 24-7 I know I never don't have it but the battery was going anyway

shut the door lock James has got the keys we go into Tesco and you lock the car well no yeah we did

but do you know when afterwards you then start questioning yourself does anyone remember hearing the beep well no because it's an automatic so you know your car the doors don't go in mine don't go in

people watch those cars to see so when you lock the car the handles on the door go in and if you've not locked your car the handles stay out so they know I don't think mine does that

it does it does anyway so we go into Tesco we do our bits we come back out again I get in the car and straight away I'm looking for my phone

I'm like my phone where's my phone didn't even think about my bag I was like where's my phone and I was like fucking oh shit I've left it in fucking Tesco because I'm that stupid

I thought I must have taken my bag in I don't think what I'm doing I'm always in a rush so I went in and I was like I've left my bag couldn't find it anywhere

checked the CCTV he said no no no you didn't come in with a bag so then we're like shit and it clicks so we run to the car and I'm like it's gone out of the car

so we go back into Tesco again was the security man sat on yeah but pretty fucking useless I'm going to be honest at least he pulled the CCTV because stuff like that happened to me and they refused

to pull the CCTV he said we couldn't look at it but he pulled it that's very nice of him to do that what's very nice of him

he's a security guard his job is to sit looking at the pissing CCTV so it gets paid for anyway well I mean it is isn't it

it's a security fucking guard so we have a look at it and it shows yeah so basically we pull in to Tesco

just after us another car comes in and pulls next to us so we still don't know whether we were followed from the restaurant because they'd have seen my bag my purse with cash in my potentially my watch my car do you

know like you don't know so they somebody may have followed us from there or they've seen they've been waiting near tesco to see what cars go in honestly i don't know but they pulled right next to our car what was the car that they were in the cctv is so terrible it looked like a silver ford um like cougar like medium size it's so hard and was it a man or a lady can't say you can't say that honestly the cctv it pissed me off so much i felt like saying right well i'm gonna go and do a to crime then because no fucker is bothered

so CCTV can't see the police come you can see a little bit of the red we're all trying to work it out to be honest the police ladies

were absolutely lovely but they were just as helpful as I am myself they couldn't do anything so we go home I have to go next door because we've got no phones

the pair of us don't have a phone so I had to ring my mum and tell her isn't it scary how much you need your phone you need it so I went next door

James then disappears in the car he says I'm going to go and find the car so I was like okay find the phones he's going to go he's looking for the car

because it had plates on it so he's looking for the plate so he's going to go and drive around the perpetrators he's going to look for the perpetrators so he goes

listen to this so I see him out of my neighbour's window with a hammer yeah getting in his car with a hammer and I thought

wow so he's driving around with a hammer and he had to go and fix that fence yeah he had to go and fix the fence

and I'm next door with my neighbour who was pissed so she found the whole thing hilarious is your neighbour nice she's sick she was laughing her head off

she was pissed out of her head she was really funny so she called me at about time it was Friday night and I walked in I've had my bag stolen she was like

it was really funny she'll kill me for this because she listens so then we just got over it at the end of the day it had gone my handbag was a Louis Vuitton box

and no but that was your favourite backpack yeah that's my only I had it for years because when you see those bags doesn't it remind you of Lauren

that's all I have that backpack yeah well it's gone it's gone now and in it was my blogging camera so there's no more YouTubes

I mean, we did so many YouTubes as well. I was doing it regularly and that's gone. Why the fuck was that in your bag? Because I put it in once and never took it out again to go to your house. I bet you were only just discovering certain shit that was in the bag. Yeah, that was in there. So that's gone. And we just thought, do you know what?

What are we going to do? So we got in bed. It was quite nice. No phones. Like we couldn't do it. Neither of us had a phone. Do you have an iPad? No.

And I found one of the years old ones. So I managed to do a bit on there. Next day we went to EE. We got a new contract. I cancelled my SIM. All this shit. It's the ball ache of the whole thing, isn't it? It gives me anxiety.

It was the whole thing. And then I'm driving home and I've put it on my Instagram and I get a picture coming through and it's a screenshot off a Facebook page and it says, I've just found this phone near Tesco. I don't know whose it is. It's switched on. Can anybody help me?

And it's my phone with me and James on the front. So I contact this girl. I speak to her on the phone and I went and picked it up and she'd found it on a grass verge. No. Yeah, near Tesco But on the wrong side of the road To be thrown out of the car

It's all the weirdest thing What? So when you come round If they were going to throw it out of the car It would have fallen on one side It was on the other side It wouldn't have gone that far Do you think that they've dumped bits and bobs

And then They'd taken the sim out And they'd put it in airplane mode immediately So I was thinking that these were druggies That had seen an opportunity No No, no, no This was organised and planned

Now whether they followed me From what I don't know They took the sim out so that means you can't even find my iPhone nope straight away they did it straight away they knew what they were doing

they had fake plates on the car so it was what the fuck yeah so so I get my phone back and I'm like wow I can't believe this

this is amazing but obviously he's not got James's James has forgotten his iCloud he has got no idea what his iCloud ID is we ring Apple

we do everything you cannot if you don't know that ID you're gone all his stuff all his work everything

so he's starting to panic about that and he's starting to set in a little bit we got in bed at like half five and we were just like Next thing, and I'd already, by the way, jumped up, got dressed

and flown down to this girl to get my phone. I get back in bed, take my clothes off again, sit down. Aren't people so kind for doing stuff like that? So nice. That's really lucky, Lauren. And then my phone goes off again and there's a picture and it's from a Facebook status again that someone sent me because I don't have Facebook and it's a screenshot

and it says, just found this phone. It's a bit worse for wear. Like its owner. Like its owner. And it's propped up on a tree. propped up on a tree and I'm like James, James zoom in, he's like that's mine

so we jump up again, we get up out of bed again we get dressed again we've only just done this to go to get my phone we've got back in bed, another one so we jump up again but did you even need your phone anymore at this point I mean yeah I was going to have to spend hundreds to buy a new one so yeah

so you hadn't already gone to both sort new phones out James had got a contract and got a brand new phone I was just going to buy a phone mine wasn't insured there was nothing I could do so James needed a new one anyway

so he got a contract well his was worse for wear his was worse for wear so we jump up and I'm like what the fuck and I'm pulling

my juicy tracksuit on and my hair's everywhere and we were like jumping in the car again flying to this pub looking for this fucking tree and it's there

propped up against the tree it had been left it had just been left there with me and him on the background our family picture

on the background and it was on April Fool's Day There's a few different levels to it. Number one, it's actually quite funny. Like, it ended up being a funny situation, but it fucking wasn't on Friday night when my expensive handbag had gone.

At least you had your purse with you, because cancelling your cards is... Yeah, yeah. And the fact, do you know what? It freaked me out that someone had been in my car. And when we actually watched the CCTV, they had some form of magnet thing to get in the car because they took three minutes.

If it was open, they'd just have gone in. They were stood messing. And when they got in the car, they were in it for quite a while. There was one bag, mate. It's a new car. It wasn't hard. Yeah, but they were probably looking through all the bits and bobbins.

If it had been my old car, there would have been a lot of bits and bobbins. So then I'm thinking... At least there wasn't a poo in there. Like there would have been today. All the conspiracy theories are going round my head. So then I'm thinking, someone has targeted me to bribe me with my sex videos and nudes. No.

I'm thinking they've seen it's me. They've taken my phone. Lauren, we've told you you can't get on someone's phone without the password. I just don't believe it. You can't, can you, Lucas? You can do anything. so then I'm thinking they're gonna get my nudes and then on my sex videos and they're gonna sell they're gonna bribe me so that was my next thought and then they've gone on it realized

they couldn't get on it I don't know and then they've thrown it I've had all sorts of like ideas but it's a bit scary because then I think are they following me anyway and it just makes me think if I didn't have that car that I've now got they wouldn't have followed me and they wouldn't have tried to get in it so it's like the nice things you work really hard get something really nice and then you're targeted by somebody because of that

which is why I don't I didn't fucking share about it on social media but right my news are safe slightly gutted because some of them

are really nice and I could have been like I'm absolutely never saying this has happened to me and then really Kim K really I'm thinking oh yeah

you all know how good I look under there and actually it probably would have been really good for my profile and I could have started on the fans let's not manifest this now

sweetheart you've got your phone back I've got my phone back So now you need a new handbag. Yes, I've got no handbag. So now, look, I've got all my stuff everywhere because that was my everyday handbag. So I'm just sad.

What bag do you think you're getting? Another backpack. No, I hate having a backpack. Awful. When you've got it on your shoulder, you can't just nip in to get stuff. Yeah, so you want to just nip in to get stuff. You have to unclasp it every time.

With a handbag, that's like a tote bag. You just put your hand in and out. Which one? Just the nylon Prada one, the re-nylon. It's literally a square black bag, like that. With a handle. A bit like a bucket. and then it's got

the little tiny Prada it's like not going to wreck it Charlotte Turner's got one of them just for everyday throw everything in they're really nice

yeah I'm going to get that hard wearing hard wearing but I shouldn't have said this because whoever's might rob me again so you need to get one of those

key fob oh the immobiliser ghost mode I'm getting so that basically are you going to that place in Stockport for it that everyone goes to

no no nut holes that I've got in my car can do it so they're going to do it for me so what is that does that mean

when you get in the car you have to do the pin him yeah yeah but then what about like the door situation if i'd have had my ear pods my air pods could have tracked i could have tracked them oh my god also if you have if you're a new listener because one of the things i put on my instagram that when i was looking around for this fucking so when we got found told where my phone was we had a little look for james's before it yeah because you would think they would so up and down on this grass verge on a dual carriageway in the rain looking through the grass for the and honestly i was so embarrassed if anyone drives

past and it gave me ptsd from when i was looking for my engagement ring with a metal detector with my mum if anyone hasn't heard that episode i don't know which one it is i think it's the wedding one is it the wedding one i don't know which one it is but that's a really uh good one for you to listen to for stories of my life because these things only happen to me because it happens so much around where i live you need to get the immobile like but you put your key in it it's like like a little pouch that's stopped you can put your keys in the microwave as well i believe and the fridge yeah but people have those boxes because they literally signal it stops the signal is it range rovers and audis and bmws are really easy yeah yeah and they can get the signal through

your house door like they can get the signal and and then use it yeah yeah the boxes are meant to be good yeah no them you need to get one of them so i'll be getting one of those i mean it wouldn't have happened if i had a skoda would it so i just feel like i don't know though you know like they're only going to target nicer cars aren't they realistically they're not going to follow like it's never happened to me before i get a new car and i get fucking robbed shit that mate absolutely shit really mean isn't it it's really mean but something like that's not happened to you for a long time i've not had any bad and actually i got my phones back so yeah no that's really really really that is good that is good something somebody knows something about this

and I'd like to know I don't even want my bag back I want to know who did it wonder what they're doing with your bag and do you know

what else I'm concerned about taking a shit wiping their bum with it I'm concerned slightly there's letters in there

and I can't remember what letters I don't remember oh like bills and shit yeah just private things yeah yeah

they'll be like do you know stuff that you think I'll sort that when I get to work and you put it in your bag and there'll be

stuff like that in there and I can't I don't know what's in that bag but I know that there's some private thing

not secret private stuff you reading about me this has happened to me a few times and there's these pictures a few pictures of theories in there and i think i hope you look and feel sick yeah in the little things a couple of like passport pictures of her people like and i got a voucher to every man's cinema for a free trip and that's in there as well does anybody work for every does anybody work for every man how much oh you didn't have cash was in your purse there was some in there as well bastard Bastard!

Not loads. So, have I ever told you about when my bag got stolen when I was going through airport security? No, but I've heard of this before. Oh, my God. Guys, you think the airport is a safe place. The airport is not a safe place. Safe place if you're a thief.

And you have every right to say, you know when they're getting you all flustered and you're going through and your bag's over there and you're over here, and they make you put your watch in there. Yeah, they do, actually. They make you put your watch in, your phone in, your bag, and then you've got all different bits from now on i say i am standing next to my stuff and i want

to have it in eyesight the whole time because of what happened to me at the airport so i was going through and this also has turned me off to do you know what when people say i'm just taking hand luggage it's quicker it actually doesn't work out quicker no i don't think you're fucking around getting your electricals out yeah then you're getting this out then you're getting that always always put something in there that you didn't mean to and then you're like and you're always the one of the group and everyone's like which one was it exactly so my new thing is now i travel with a tiny handbag with just like my bits in and then share a suitcase fine now i was going on a short trip and i had one of those big clear makeup bag things but it was about that big i've got one yeah

and it had like my straighteners in it my hair oh yeah yeah yeah i know which one you mean um my jewelry was all in a thing uh my contact lenses oh that's a killer all my makeup all my makeup um and just like my important credit card whatever anyway get like i think i hadn't had a drink at that point what time was it seven maybe i'd had a drink at that point i don't know anyway i went through and then i was like get to the hotel and i'm like no and yeah it had been stolen going through there because i remember the lady was being such a bitch and she was like this comb is a weapon go back round this did you not think at the airport right and this isn't all members of staff but a lot of members of staff at the airport are rude and not very nice and that's

and really unpleasant when I go and there's a nice man I love people at the airport and they're like hello put your bags on I think oh lovely and sometimes the horrible

I think don't work with people I wouldn't want to work in an airport all these fuckers going on holiday when you're at work oh yeah that's funny

do you know how angry you'd be I would too hence I wouldn't work there because I'd be like fuck off on your Spain holiday when I'm studying at work

yeah don't work there then honestly Manchester some of the staff are horrible there and I'll say it yeah no you're right not everyone

but some of them are checking not checking the security are fucking rude and it's like they get like a big hard dick over

having a bit of power and they love it and they're like no no no don't you go through and they get a little semi on in the pants

well anyway so it got lost there and then rang up they wouldn't pull the CCTV they wouldn't I went to the

lost and found they wouldn't they were like nah they were like stuff gets stolen going through that all the time they said there's

professional thieves that literally bought like a ticket just to go through. Because you could get a watch off there, easy. Oh, easy. Yeah, you need to be careful, everyone, when you're doing... And just be careful in general.

Like, I'm not a careful person. But that was out of your control, Lauren. You've got to remember that, what happened. But I could have taken my handbag. Why would you leave it? Do you know what I mean? Like, I am not the most careful person. I always forget to do stuff.

I forget to lock stuff. Like, I'm not the best. I'm a bit lax-y-daisy. So, yeah, everyone just... You don't think it'll happen to you. And now I'm a Louis Vuitton bag. You won't ever do that again. I'll never do it again.

Now I'm a Louis Vuitton bag down. Yeah. I don't have the same income anymore to buy another one. It's a lie. Because you bought that car. So now I've bought a car that I can't afford. It's your birthday soon, James. Bag.

We're going to Lador Falls for my birthday. What's that? In the lakes. Lador Falls? What's that? Why are you looking at me as if I've said we're going to Butlins? Why is it? You just looked at me as if I said, we're going to Shit Creek Mountain.

You literally just looked at me like, la-da-la. What is it? Spa. Oh. So nice. Really? Really lovely. I've stayed at the Brimstone.

Yes, of course you have. That's nice. But it was dog friendly. Ooh. And not just talking about the bitches. It's a bit old fashioned. Dog, like, ew. Grantley Hall is the one, isn't it?

Grantley, after you've been to Grantley Hall, you can't. Nothing ever compares. the only thing is the food is a bit too much much for me yeah but you didn't eat in the Chinese restaurant

oh I would have liked the Chinese I went to it was a bit too posh why did you go there why didn't you go to we only go in the Chinese it was just a bit too much

a bit like you know so formal I was like the breakfast though wow yeah Grantley Hall if you can go there

anyone real treat really enjoyed it there how have we got to Grantley Hall I don't know from getting robbed to

Grantley Hall spunking your cash so I think we're gonna go on a break for a few months we're gonna go on a break no we're just gonna go on a very very quick break and i'm gonna try and sort out my car because obviously i've left the key i've got the keys and i've left my car at the garage yay we are back i haven't sorted my car situation out but we're back baby back okay so are you a loyal listener of nip tuck do you set an alarm on a wednesday and a friday for our new releases

do you laugh out loud on the train in the car in public at the gym and why are you not telling your nearest and dearest about nip tuck spread the love by spreading the podcast basically we want you to share the podcast with your friends with your family with anyone that you think will really enjoy it we want you to do that on whatsapp if possible we're going to give you a few moments to do that if you don't we might go away right we might people love the podcast but you need to be with us girls on spreading it yeah so send it in your whatsapp groups share it let's make it bigger bigger bigger bigger and tag us as well my darlings we love it you know what i love when people tag us on their instagram when they're listening to it yeah i love that and when they're

listening like in different places yes unusual on holiday and stuff that makes me really happy yeah yeah we like that honeys ashley i i posted something and you took the piss out oh what was that that's what's getting on my tits you posting that right okay why did you do that i posted a quote on instagram let me read it no no i'm not getting away with this no i'm not saying i don't like the quote but you're not getting away with this no i need to tell you why i've done you're getting away with that i'm gonna read it out stop speaking some people will love you no matter what you do and some people will never love you no matter what you do go where the love is and then she's written which is the weirdest part new week new month wait wait brighter mornings and lighter

evenings the fuck's wrong with you right so i'm sick of just posting fucking selfies i would rather of rather than videos of me selling shit like so i'm gonna break it up with a quote a piece of shit quote did you not like that one it's just really like i just just wasn't i read it and i thought fuck off april is my favorite one me too it's my birthday one yeah not only because it's your birthday but because i honestly feel like this week we've turned a corner with like it's Getting a long winter. This winter has been fucking... It's been long, hasn't it?

And I feel like we're coming out of the shit of the last two years of, like... Really? Do you know what I mean? I don't want to talk about the shit. I just feel like, woo! Listen, I'm not taking, like, go for it. I just found that I really...

It's not you, so I was like, whoa. No, I just feel so much better that it's April now. I'm ready for summer. I'm ready for some sunshine. And, like, getting in the garden from work and the kids playing out. Yeah, and having a little wine. Having a wine.

Yeah. Oh, thank you for sunshine. Yeah. And then, like, the playroom's not all trashed. Yeah, no, and you're not, like, when you don't take them out for a walk and then have to wash everything and take the shoes off at the door

and, like, clean the shoes. No, I agree. I just thought that was a really weird thing for you to post and it made me sick in my mouth. I'm trying to be more... Go on, what are you trying to be more of? Just not like, yeah, I'm actually trying to be a nice person. Well, an Instapost ain't going to do that, hun.

Let me tell you, that's not... What else can I do? With bubble writing saying, go where the love is. And I went to that dong bath. No, you didn't. You went to a dong bath. I mean, I've been to a few dong baths in my time. I bet Lucas has been to a few dong baths.

We know he has. I've had a few dong baths. What was that? What was a dong bath? A gong bath. Oh, a gong bath. Yeah, it was really good. Do you know what?

People that go to gong baths, do you know what they are? No. They've got nothing else to do. If you've got time... It was... If you've got a spare hour... What is it? Lucas, have you got a spare hour to go and lie there

whilst someone dongs? And then I slept so well after... That is such a rich person thing. No, it's not. It fucking is, mate. I remember watching a programme where someone was like, so I get this salmon from my salmon guy and he plays piano to it.

It's such a bad time. That's exactly... That's me. This is playing the piano to a salmon tackle. so um you've got honestly and you know what else i've been doing that i've booked you in for i'm not going to a gong thing the cryotherapy i don't want to oh the energy buzz that you get after you have done that bastard you get in and you just want to like scream when you get out you feel oh my god do you know when we have treatments and we go if we hurt if it hurts you get the

like a peel and you're like ahhh yeah it's like you go in and you're like I don't think

I can do this I don't think I can do this and then it gets to like halfway through and you're like I think we should do

the cold water for therapy and get someone to film us because I think it would be really really funny don't think I can do it

ice bucket challenge you what? ice bucket no it's not you dip yourself in for three minutes I think it would be so funny to film us

they do it at that place near me don't they the farm thing yeah if anyone knows anyone at that farm club

yeah something like that I've seen it that's where I saw it I wouldn't mind doing that I wouldn't swim in a lake no I want to go in a lake if we're going to do it I'm not just getting

in a bath of cold water Gemma Ahmed's son got sepsis from swimming in a lake he was in the hospital he's really fit and he's so fit he's only about 17

are we allowed to sit I don't know I've just said it I've told her I've told her I've said it was he at her party I was single

yeah he was at the party I felt like Aunty Lauren though did he feel like fit yeah young and yeah He's not even 18 yet Honestly but Like I remember

When he was six And chubby And then I'm like Wow Tyler's looking good And Gemma looked at me She was like Lauren I was like

Don't say He looks well He looks well Tyler looked really well Yeah so Anyway He got sepsis You shouldn't swim in

Because things can swim Up your vagina And your dick What What's going to swim Up your vagina Parasites I'm not joking

Please I've had some parasites It's up my vagina. I've had a lot of parasites up my vagina. Me too. Let me tell you now. Have you ever put your penis,

have you done anything parasitic with your penis? No. Oh. Okay. What have you done? All sorts. To be fair,

do you know what? If you've been in the pool at Ocean Beach Club, it's ten times worse than swimming in a lake. Very true. I'm surprised that you don't get pregnant in that pool.

Ash. What? I used the, you know the butt plug with the heart, with the pink heart? I've never used it. I bought it,

didn't i copied you ages ago there should be instructions on how to get out really so i had to go in the so when the deed was done i waddled to the bathroom yeah because i said there is no way i'm removing that in your presence so i waddled with tiny it's like half and lucas with all due respect you're a gay man like you're used to things no that was big for me so anyway i waddled to the bathroom with my pink heart sticking out my ass um and i couldn't get it out so i was literally squatting i was like and then all it was like i gave birth and it fell onto the floor it was just the whole didn't have any poo on it i wasn't that i didn't like it that much lucas no it's just like yeah it's like an acorn it's just for effect hun i didn't like it that

watching um where were we going with this uh people or people having wanks onto people and that person wanked on my back in a phone party oh yeah no no where did we start before we got here i don't know what they started with something uh cold water therapy cryotherapy and then it got into what was before the cryo what was before the cryo Dong, dong. Dong, yeah, a dong bath, honestly. Like, don't ever take me to anywhere where you're expected to pay to listen to a dong.

Yeah, I'm going on my retreatsies. I wouldn't mind a retreat, but I just think they're so expensive. I'd rather go on holiday and have my own mini retreat. Do you know what I mean? We've kind of gone all over the shop at this point. Like, I don't even know where we are anymore. Okay.

So anyway. Oh, slutty Steve. Is this a man? Ah, yes. right let's move on to our confessionals slutty steve so we've got a man in the place oh it's long wow the story hello ladies as a male listener i can say i am hooked on the pod and you guys are smashing it i listen between jobs and other drivers must see me laughing my head off in the van and think what the fuck oh my god i absolutely love this um what is he a

A lorry driver or something. Maybe, yeah. I wonder how many men listen. I was at the drive-thru, Costa, the other week, at the window, paying as you do, when Lauren started talking about having to wear knickers for bed and discharge. The lass looked at me.

Oh, the lass is a northern. And went, I fucking love this podcast. Ha ha, we both laughed. Can I just tell you something before we start your story? It's just reminding me. Recognised. Oh my God. Right, so I went to Trafford Centre on Saturday

to get the new phones. it was uncomfortable how much people were staring whispering nudging turning around do you think you're thinking

that up in your head no sometimes I think you know normally when we get looked at it's either because James is fit and I can see the girls fucking looking at him and you know

because they nudge the mate and then they both turn around so I know that me and you would do that yeah absolutely and I don't blame them so it's either that or it's someone that

recognise and you can tell and even James will say they recognise you to life because there's a certain way that they look once and then they go look again like

tick tock you can see it going around their head like is that the girl from and you can see and then they go it's not the girl from the podcast and the other girl turns around goes oh and normally the boyfriends i've noted but no noticed quite a few girls nudge the boyfriends and say they must say like that's that podcast you listen to and the boy looks anyway so that was a bit weird do you think they make the boyfriends listen to it so they learn more yeah i would so that was a bit awkward at traffic center it was like a bit heavy but this is what i was going to tell you so listen to this so one of the girls

at work told me that her boyfriend was in a pub in farnworth where's that exactly is that near it's near bolton it's it's an area anyway in a pub manly pub a load of manly men and a guy there who's quite what's the word like not a gangster i'm not i don't mean that but quite you know well-respected lad was talking about the podcast saying have you heard the savage these girls and they were like yeah i've heard that and they were men talking about our podcast and another man overheard and told her who told me so literally these men in the pub in farm was talking about the podcast made it made it we've made it okay let's go steve come on come on steve come at me bro i've got a story for you let's not call it a slutty susan but more like a slutty steve

it's my it's my um it's my retainer it's my retainer we were both in our early 20s my ex partner from some years ago was rushed into hospital from work with pain in her stomach and lower back they performed every test they could every examination and in the book and even took her appendix out that's just reminding me something else which was an immac in immaculate condition myself her mum and her dad were sat in the cubicle waiting for the doctor to come in her dad the unit of a man he was could scare the grim reaper himself so it's some big scary bloke you know what's my daughter doing the doctor walked in he explained that they'd done all of the results that they couldn't find any problems and nothing seemed out of the ordinary that would

be causing these pains he then placed his papers down and sat at the end of the bed i just have some questions for you you might want your parents to leave if that's okay mum and dad were like no it's our daughter we're staying my mum would be dragging my dad out yeah my mum would like get out my mum would literally have looked at me and been like i don't want to get out she was fine with this so they stayed now we've done everything we can and we've come back with One last possibility. The doctor took a breath, looked down, and then looked back up. One test showed some internal bruising

and slight internal damage, shall we say, with a few ruptured vessels. Nothing too serious, he took a breath. By chance, have you recently had any large objects placed up your back passage that may have caused damage? I nearly choked on my brew as I took a mouthful the colour in her face

moved out and the redness moved in her mum and Ross Kemp lookalike father stared at me Ross Kemp scary bastard

and I was burning she stuttered and then burst out laughing the doctor smirked and also laughed I think we have our answer it turned out that the anal sex

we'd had a few days before I'd bruised oh go on Steve with your big girthy dick I'd bruised her inside Steve's death note just written in I bruised her

insides I bet when he heard that his chest pumped out and he was like yeah with a big dick and possibly made a small tear

in some tissue and then he put it was her idea in my defence I stood up my full cup and said I think I'm going to

get another drink standing at the vending machine thinking what the fuck do I say when I go back and then at this point I felt a shovel of a hand

on my right shoulder so it's that I think we need a chat, son. He's gone from a northerner to a southerner. The shadow of her dad projected onto the ward like the grim reaper had come to visit me, hoping he didn't follow through with his previous promise of what you do to my daughter, I'll do to you.

So when they met, he said to him, whatever you do to my daughter, I'll do to you. Oh, my God. She's getting a bum in. We're still in touch and we're good friends and we laugh about it now. Keep doing what you're doing, guys. Your positive chat and aspirational talk

even motivates us men. Oh, my God. That is absolutely... Right, I know you're not going to want to, but whoever that was, will you DM me? Because I kind of want to look at you. He's reading my quotes on Instagram. Oh, my God, that didn't help him this morning.

I want to look at you. Will you tell me who it was that sent it? I'm just interested. I want to see your big dick. Yeah, I want to see your big dick that bruises women internally. Okay, go. Ashley, do the next one. Okay.

Do your dance. Do your dance. Come on. Okay. so slutty suzanne slutty susan slutty sue who started seeing this guy reluctantly he already had a wife reluctantly nobody made you hon sorry carry on reluctantly he already had a wife and a girlfriend what but he kept assuring me that these were both in the past he also had a kid which my which was on my

no-go list at the time. We've all let a few things slide on the no-go list. Usual situation third or fourth date I end up too drunk and staying over at his. I get it. I was woken to the sound of running water. He was pissing

in the bedroom on my clothes. In the morning I woke up So she just went back to sleep after this? I couldn't work out if it was a dream or not so i told him my dream and he was like that probably did happen my clothes were soaked and they stank of beer piss or he gave me some cozy joggers and off i went rank all the girls we tried to calculate the outfit exchange rate could i give up a pair of river island jeans for

some night slacks yes yes i could anyway he turned up later with my clothes cleaned and ironed domesticated.com cut a long story short i saw the silver lining with pissy pants and a wife and a girlfriend six years on we're married once his divorce came through with two beautiful babies also please help um right well we'll answer both of these separately i bought the retinol from amazon i mix the a313 with moisturizer but does what does that retinol tube do okay let's discuss the piss thing first it's a thing men do it well you know it happened to me it did happen to you with that guy if you went to the brunch you'll know who it was because we actually told them at the brunch didn't we um yeah it happened i mean it happened you got to shut up i was more

concerned about the wife and girlfriend but clearly they got past that as they're now married with two kids do you know me and my friend were talking and we said men don't ever men are never single they swing like a monkey from one from one to the other that's like me though that's what i I used to be like, I'd have one lined up before the next. And then I'd grab one and then hang on. And I'd feel it slipping. So I'd quickly swing. I think I have another one.

Like, I'm swinging from dicks. One dick to the next dick. Yes. Yeah, men don't. No. I can be happily single. I can now, just before I met James. But before that, no.

Absolutely not. But you know, girls, if a man ever breaks up with you And he says We're breaking up There isn't anyone else There is There is someone else There is someone else

Men A man Oh my god My life is all over There is Men don't just leave you No they don't They leave you for someone else

They have someone lined up At 100% Men do not Ever Just leave you to be on their own Because who's going to do the washing Or to start dating No they don't

They don't Who's going to do the washing Who's going to clean up They've already got their eye on someone Who they're warming up I agree And you were that girl Yep

And that's why we're having that chat Oh my god I've got something to tell you what i totally forgot i'll save it for the bonus right okay so the amazon retinol if you have a look on my highlights or my amazon shop i can't remember basically this fucking amazing retinol uh you mix it with just a body moisturizer and you put it on your body yeah so you get the retinol effects oil over your body now it when it gets delivered it comes with this retimax tube um i think it it's just like a lesser percentage of retinol i didn't use the retomax i just used

the a313 and it's like 90 quid for a um would you put it on your face you can put it on your face would you though i've not i use my um a bargy one on my skin i'm about to get um a bargy before summer is that a good idea my pigments come back not like massive but i've not been careful i'm not good at aftercare um so i'm having a peel and then i'm going to be using it yeah i'm gonna have to so i'm gonna get that and i'm gonna get the abagi lash serum as well hello yeah i'm gonna get it i've got i'm going to pelis and co for my laser no just bottom lashes and actually you know you can put it on your top lashes and it means that when you have your extensions ever if your eyelash extensions ever come off or you want to take them off yours are still fine look at mine

you don't need eyelash extensions but you have always had a decent lash i'm bald mate i'm like a bald little chicken i'm a spring chicken fresh out of the egg um with a few tufts here and there yeah i'm going to pelican coat for my laser so i'm going to get the abagi stuff there remember on nip tuck we want to get your voices heard so if you head over to this episode's description um there's a little link there and you can email us hello at niptuckpod.com you can also get in touch via whatsapp that means your voice notes too which we can play out in future episodes don't worry if you want to be anonymous we can sort that out give us a fake name yeah like steve today stunning so please please also don't forget to give us a glowing

glowing rating and review we'll be back with bonus of nip tuck this friday and it's all about your ics and dilemmas so if you send something in now you might get to hear it on friday's episode see you later we will see you on friday girls have a lovely week have the best week bye