Nip Tuck - Saggy Balls & Bum Grapes

Episode Date: February 15, 2023

The girls are seriously on one this week! Ashley's been banned for life after things got passive aggressive and Lauren got vocal at the airport after her trip to Dubai. You haven't disappointed either with your Slutty Susan's!To get involved with the show, you can send us a DM on Instagram and TikTok, find us @niptuckpod.Or you can email [e-mail] can also send us your Icks & Dilemma's via WhatsApp! You can text or voice note the girls on [phone] Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

hi guys and welcome to nip tuck and not giving a fuck this is the podcast where we celebrate being positive aspirational women so this is all about being unapologetically yourself on nip talk we want to get your voice heard you can email us at hello at nip tuck pod.com and you can also get in touch via whatsapp voice notes as well and we can play them out in future episodes but don't worry we can keep them anonymous if you don't want anyone to know who you are so simply head over to this episode's description for more information we want to know what's been getting on your tits or your balls we have lots of men listeners now exactly what's giving you any questions and of course your embarrassing sex stories all of them embarrassing stories we love

it basically we don't give a fuck we are back baby hi guys in surgery surgery i hope you're having a lovely week we have lots to update you on so get yourself cozy or some people listening in the gym we're having a ranty one aren't we we're a bit grumpy today we're both a bit ranty i'm ill um i need you to answer this question go because i'm having an argument about it in a minute what's cuter a baby goat or a matter baby a what

matter baby what's that what what's a matter baby nothing baby James did it to me yesterday wow that took me a long time

that took you a long time I've got one more I've got one more why is a chicken called a chicken I don't know because no okay and you i've got one go obviously it's full of it go what do you call a blonde with ponytails

dinner blowjob handles yours is mine was better than that that's terrible yours is just filth that's just rude it's me okay right lauren you went to dubai tell us all about it i mean we saw all your perfect pictures are all over instagram and it was all giggles and pillow fights and cocktails. I thought you were going to say cock then. I was like, whoa, hang on. Yes, so I got back last night.

I went for the weekend while Thea was at her dad's for my friend's birthday. I have never been to Dubai still. You've never been? Never been. No way. I love Dubai for many different reasons.

People think it's just a... I've been with the kids. I've taken Thea before. Everything you say people think, I probably think that of Dubai. Yeah, and I get that. And you can... I'm sure that is a side to it.

But there is... I've taken Thea. I've been with my mum once just me and my mum then I went with Thea the food is incredible you'd really like it Ash I swear to you

it's so fucking pretentious right up your street well I'm the least pretentious person as in the restaurants are lovely and you know you could dress up

you could look gorgeous it is the scene is beautiful but I don't want this is why I like going on holiday to like Greece and stuff and shove something on

and walk around no I agree I guess it's like almost like how you would deal with London you know like that kind like if you go in and you go into nice restaurants

don't do that because you like to go so why are you pulling your face yeah i think you'd like it it's good for kids but anyway i went for my friend's 30th um so girls hall i'm not doing any more girls no you're not on that vibe you're in love aren't you yeah and i'm just listen i had the best time we went to opah have you been to opah lupus because my god like i know we've just so we went to opah which was unreal um i've got concussion from my friends hitting me over the head with plates that was amazing um but i actually texted you both didn't as soon as i got there i was like we need to speak about this on the pod i was there for three hours and i was crying already

i do it every holiday every holiday that's why i was like not worried about yeah i'm not good at change so like if i go if i change environment it kicks off so if i go on and like change my environment i lose it for a couple of days and then i get okay again you were in it there for I was only there for three by the time I got there so I cried when I got there and it's so funny because my friends know me so well and one of them was like Lauren what are you doing and I was going around the the room like awkwardly and I was twiddling my head you know when you're looking for something you're going in every room and you don't know what you're looking for are you okay and I was like no and I just burst into tears and I was like I just don't think I'm in these girls

holidays anymore and the next thing I was swinging a plate around and open it's a thing of life isn't it do you know what annoys me when people say oh you've got a boyfriend now you're boring but i probably said it but it's true it is true yeah you do stop going out with the girls as much you do your happiness level it does change a little bit it's just how it is isn't it yeah but yeah james missed him loads miss the uh theo was with her dad but no doubt there'll be comments of how i'm leaving so dad's weekend i wouldn't have seen her anyway but i agree with you like totally with like this everything every point in your life changes and stuff like that yeah um and me and ed have just booked a holiday and it's actually a retreat so i'm not at that level yet i

mean i might want to put that's this is where it all comes into it because usually we would go to like marbella or mayork or something just or paris like three nights together you never do you don't holiday as much as me do you is it because ed can't get the time off or you're just not into it like what ed can't be off that's why okay um and anyway so we go on these holidays and you end up like spending loads of money eating loads of shit drinking loads of shit feeling shit so we're going to this place that my friends told me about in milan and we're going in april so it'd be nice and sunny still it's three nights you get there you have a blood test on the first day and then they tell you all about like stuff to do with sounds very narcissistic and your body and all

of this you have three massages a day nice so you have you wake up and you have your lymphatic massage then you have a mud wrap massage is that a wank you wake up and have a wank and then you have one where they spray you down with a hose i'll show you all this stuff and basically i'll do that for you i will i will happily i'll happily do that so this place you can lose like half a stone in three days and they tell you all about like your diet what you what you're intolerant yeah so we're going there what about when you find out that you're intolerant to word i think i've known that for a long time and he's intolerant to you okay i kind of get that but i would want to do that as well as another holiday like why do you never go you never go on like

somebody like you can't just just running a business like and it like the next few years very critical yeah very serious yeah head down even when we go like for these little holidays Laptop is always Always out Good fucking fair play to him Do you know what I mean Like he grafts So I get that

But I will be getting A girls holiday in Really I have to every year Ed has a boys holiday But do you not do the same As me though Like I got there

And just thought Whoa Yeah but you're not In the same part Of your relationship That I'm in Is that what it is If I'd been in the part

Of like new Early doors Early Yeah Like Yeah But once you're at my Yeah

It doesn't matter You need girl time I agree I absolutely agree you do I just I don't know I just

my head went a bit I'll still be doing it in my 40s and 50s girls holiday listen I'm saying all this now because I've got a hangover give

I'll be cocky again in a few months and I'll be like let's go away and then I'll do it again and it's a cycle that at 32 I've still not

quite grasped how to not get smashed I'm covered in bruises yeah me too I'm covered in bruises me too 100%

I didn't vomit though so right bum update guys so do you know like how many messages I've been getting about the bum

I'm really sorry don't share surgeons names I'm sorry we say it every day a hundred million times it's a surgeon on Harley Street

that does bum implants there you go look for it it's not that far right so basically it wasn't looking good it was touch and go and then I saw this

Ashley saw this video this girl here it wasn't looking good it was touch and go Lucas tell her she woke up one day

and the implant was coming out of her bum You were nowhere near that stage. You had a slight redness to one of the incisions. Right. So anyway, I went to see the surgeon. He said it's absolutely fine and he's really happy with it. And I'm really happy with it.

What a surprise. Can I look at it again? Right, so I'm going to describe it to everyone that's interested. No, look front on, Ash. Just look at me front on. So I'm looking at her front on now. I can't see a thing that would give you any indication. I can see where you had the hip dip transfer.

It looks really good. Yeah, she looks fine. Now turn to the side. More my side so I can see a bit more. i feel like it's getting a bit smaller do you lucas and turn to the back looks quite big from the back right so i like it i really like it it's really good it's very natural i know i like it but men must have a built in something me and my friend we were walking down the road people wow really and i'm like oh my god i can't live like this really yeah even like just them walking

from the co-op i knew all the builders were burning holes in the back of my head no way yeah i think it's because you're so slim what and it's just like not a thing yeah it's very difficult to have such a slim body and a and a big fat ass yeah it's unusual isn't it yeah true um ash said i look skinny earlier which made me really happy and it's because i've not eaten for three days why because i was drinking and crying when i drink i eat so much no i don't eat the next say dead to be fair though like when you're getting ready for a night out and you've had like three glasses of wine and then you get to dinner late i'm like i couldn't think of anything worse than playing with food on my plate thank you very much do you think i need arson plants

right no a tiny bit no okay i'm just gonna stand up and make a inspect my arson and work out implant sizes and you want more babies i don't know i'm telling you now don't have one because i've got now to the 10 month mark and it's fucking horrible is he awful he's cute though ash it's not enjoyable either enjoy your time with your new partner no i agree no baby's yet because it's not fun and we've got enough and we hate each other at the minute you and the baby or you and ed okay anyhow teeth you're having you are you're right okay we always have to have something booked don't worry okay so my next project is um i mentioned it on my insta the day i'm gonna get an invisalign oh lower teeth um so basically like two of my teeth at the very

front have just have you got lucas is waving his tissues around um these surreal um yeah my two front the two teeth at the bottom i feel like they point back a little bit and i can see a minor like that no they're not no they're not um it's not about you so so i'm getting invisalign um with be clear so i was kind of looking around couldn't decide where to go you went with them didn't you really really good because what i loved about them is they are orthodontists yes it's not yes you can go to your dentist and get an invisalign but these people all they do is just orthodontics so let me just really quickly if anyone's thinking of doing the teeth tell you the the the weight the processing are you blowing your nose i can

hear it right through your microphone which it should be done in if your teeth are not straight um but they're not mega not straight they just need moving around a bit then you need to have your brace first don't you ash that's what you did you get them straight first then if you want any form of composite bonding to maybe go on the edges yeah you can do that at the end some people obviously just go straight for the veneers straight for the whatever i looked at emacs veneers have you looked much at them yeah they look really good they look insane and you know they don't prep your teeth anymore they don't prep them any more than a composite does so i was thinking about doing that but I thought

look I'm not going to jump to the extreme really expensive how much like in this country 15-20 grand what can be

yeah whereas Dubai and oh yeah I know a girl that went to Dubai for emacs gorgeous

and they're stunning but then she cracked one and then you're fucked but you're not because dentists will sort it out here you can pay can't you just go to the dentist

if you get somebody that does emacs they don't say no I'm not doing it because you've had them done somewhere else they don't do that now you could have had them

done in London I know she struggled with it so yeah that's the only issue so i was gonna get emacs and then i thought no i'm just gonna not jump into something silly i'm gonna have an invisalign first i'm having the first tray thing on thursday and when they're straightened out i'll see how i feel after right i like honestly invisalign it was amazing it's gonna be effort isn't it it is big effort and you have to commit to it and i'm not good at commitment it does stop you from eating sorry for being so yeah one of the

girl said that when i got there they were fantastic though so far um but what i would recommend for it is always have the container in your bag right because you'll wrap it in a tissue and lose it yeah yeah so always have the container in your bag you can order like a 10 pack off amazon and then um always have you know those tooth flossy things with you oh yeah mouthwash just have it in a little clear thing and just have it all the time and um i bought retainer bright they're called they're like tablets that you put in a bowl with your retainer because if it discolours it looks like your teeth it looks yellow so every night i would put my retainer in my routine so do you know what i was thinking of doing because i'm going to be wearing them all

the time i thought i might as well whiten my teeth while i'm at it oh i do i did do that i used to put the whitening gel in the gel within them yeah so you need to is it was cameron gonna get us some cameron got it cameron's really good at it isn't it um he's got really good whitening yeah gel I think it was called like 360 or something, but it was really good. But do you know what I do as well? This dentist will probably be like, fucking stop giving this advice.

I put my Crest white strip on and then my retainer. Oh, and then your retainer. And look at how white I am. Yeah, they are. I'm going to sort my bottoms and then I'm going to consider my next options with it. I'm going to sort my bottom. I'm going to sort my bottom.

Ashley sorted her bottom. I'm sorting mine. Right, so what's getting on your tits, hun? So I've been very aggy lately. I don't really know why last night I was particularly aggy just snippety

you know when you're just in a mood right so as you know I'll go away a fair bit so that's why this really irritates me so do you know

when your luggage comes out on the conveyor belt people that stand at the front right yeah so there's a line right honestly

don't start me off so there's a line around it a blue line or yellow it can be yellow it was blue yesterday don't stand in front of it

because then none of us can see if we all stand behind it we can all see and when it's our turn we step forward we take off our case and off we go

100% so get off the flight yesterday and it was a 600 people flight apparently so it was a massive one everyone was in front of the lines like to the point

where I couldn't see I couldn't move there was a child there but child doesn't need to be near the line doesn't need to be near there was honestly

they had the people would bring him couples stand together as well just one of you the man the man that is a man job that is a man job

that is a blue job I always say to her do you go there and then me and the kids sit oh we'll wait somewhere else yeah no so they're there

and they also had you know the big trolleys that you put the case on leave the trolley with me at the back yes and then bring it but they had them

next to the no right so anyway there's this woman and I feel really bad about it I've got a feeling she doesn't listen to the podcast

so she's not going to hear my sorry here but something tells me I mean she was anyway she was next to me she was like what she was like in her 60s

I don't think she listens okay carry on so she was next to me and I had just lost my shirt what did you say she was stood in front with the thing

and my friend went is that our case and I went I've no idea I wouldn't know because everybody is standing in front of the line like this lady here

I don't know why I did it and she went looked at me and I said there's a line for a reason if we all step back I will help you

with your case and I will pull it off for you if you point at it for me and she just went you're right I don't know why I'm in front of this

oh that's so tight I know I didn't mean to I just lost my shit do you know what that's the best way to deal with people like Lauren people like me no I'm not normal like that

and actually I said to her oh my god I'm so sorry I said and she went you're right why we're all stood in front of it airports though you get the aggiest

in life I got aggy I wanted to get home so I just said I'm so sorry and I said when yours comes round tell me I'll grab it

because I would have done anyway and she was like no you're right you're right I don't know why do we all do this and I thought

that is the best way Dora got off the flight she had a great two weeks and you ruined it all you ruined it yeah little Dora she wasn't like an old lady I said she was in her 60s

she probably wasn't but she wouldn't have listened to the pod anyway I did say sorry and I am sorry I had an argument once with a lady do you want to hear this one

on a flight to Mexico I remember a bit of it basically so do you know how when we were wearing the masks and the Covid stuff so as we'd been in the airport none of us had our masks on

I was stood right next to her how horrible was that then when we got on you had to put your mask on and I took mine off probably to it was like a 12 hour flight yeah probably to swig a drink

and she turned around and said put your mask on and I said I've just been stood next to you in the airport so why are you worried now about being nearly

because she just felt like being a bitch she just wanted to be a bitch and I said I'm not going to put it on and I said and I'll tell you she went

I said you don't have to have it on when you're eating or drinking she was a bitch and she was like yeah that's why the air hostess is always used to say yeah so this is what I said to her have a drink in front of you

this is what I said to her so she was like you can only have it off if you're eating and drinking I said well I'll tell you what I'll do now I will drink for the next 10 hours and then I was like

turned around and started swigging some Jack Daniels or something I'm not really aggy but sometimes i can go well anyway anyway never mind saying lauren zaggy you've been barred from the local barred from my local cafe right guys i'm gonna make this story as short as yeah not like the p1 where she weed on her apron or whatever happened so on friday we went out for my belated

birthday um in town so we were a little bit hungover woke up in the morning we're like we want a full english ready to go to this i cannot see you eating a full english well listen okay so we went to the local cafe and as soon as we got in there the vibe was off like really recently in um Knutsford where I live loads of places now are only open for lunch whereas they used to open for breakfast but because I think of the people not having as much money maybe I don't something like that and right so the clothes condensing their time exactly yeah so it was like the only place open and I frequent there very often where is it um it's opposite you know that little Sainsbury's there yeah okay i've just given away well anyway you're barred so it doesn't really matter you

can't get any worse exactly um me and katie always buy the egg and bacon sandwich from there no one else should know anyway we should all not go again went in and the vibe wasn't off as soon as we went in like this lady was clearly very stressed because it was very busy and it was like do you know like people with bikes yeah and then i'm there like with only just four year old so she's like yeah yeah as soon as we went in we went and just we were like stood in this queue but there those are people with bikes trying to get around us so i was like why would you take your bike in a cafe there's a free table there let's just sit down why would you even ride a bike table but it was covered in mess and then she was like and she just went can can you move off the table i need

to move it and i was like right okay yeah moved from then i think she had a problem then um we order our breakfast took a very very very long time there was lots of stuff in there but bless them they were all like very young and yeah anyway ordered our breakfast um i ordered a tuna panini because for breakfast by this point it was like way too early for 11 it was like half past 11 still too early for fish fish only after 12 anyway i wanted something do you agree no fish after 12 i wanted something easy to eat and then like saskia like after 20 minutes is like kicking off yeah they're putting a milkshake in front of her with no straw for example and then it'd take 10 minutes to get a straw and then it's it's like do you know when what annoys

me when they bring the kids food out and it's boiling and the plate's boiling why because then the kid wants to eat wants to eat it and you burn the kid exactly anyway oh well it takes 20 minutes to get ketchup yeah and you're like yeah so long long long boring story waiting for food very long time this lady was being very strange but like really like like every time i was like hello could you could you tell us where the food is please we've been here for an hour and a half so i was like you know you're being also being positive big smile on her face and it's like her head was like you know who you're reminding me of right i don't know if anyone watches eastenders but stacy's mum um i'm gonna have to get her up

everyone will know if they watch it Jean you never seen Jean and she's got and she's got wide eyes anyway I'll show you

yeah like like loads of like prescription drugs yeah so very small anyway

so I was like okay I understand that you make it fresh but like that table over there sat down 20 minutes after us

and they finished their food so and then it was like it'll be 7 to 15 minutes so I was like fuck's sake anyway

I was like whatever there's nowhere else we can go now yeah and you sat down and you can't move again blah blah blah so then my food finally comes and it's a piece of toast with some tuna on it and melted cheese so i was like wait i ordered i need to know more about this so i went can i just say like i've ordered a panini this isn't what i ordered did you order a panini yes fully or did you order a tuna melt no a full-on i said can i have a panini okay this conversation was hard and just checking just checking before i make any judgment here so then it was all very oh and i

just went listen it's fine just put a piece of bread on the top so you had more of an open melt i think you read the menu wrong do you no yeah i agree lucas thinks the same a melt and you've got an open melt it was all confirmed with the girl she said well we don't have a tuna panini we've got the melt but i can make it a panini okay conversation was okay anyway so i was like listen guys it's not that much of a problem i'm really really hungry because we've been waiting quite a while so can i send this back so then it's like huff puff and it comes back we're all sat there we're all like balls deep in every different thing you know sasuke's got chips i literally pick up the sandwich and out of nowhere comes gene

My mother always said Don't eat your food too quick Or you'll get indigestion Because you're so hungry Screaming in my face Saskia is sat there So I just I was literally about to eat my food

And she was saying you were eating it too quick no she was just being a fucking bitch oh my god she was like because you're so hungry i can't just i i was being like i'm really hungry do you know where it is like the owner of the cafe it was so then i turned around and went you are the most passive aggressive person i've encountered for a very long time and i said why are you working in this industry listen i have never never been a waitress i've never worked i worked with the public when i was a beauty therapist and i hated it because i don't like so then she went i'm not aggressive and i yeah i know you're not you're passive aggressive which basically means like you just use your

aggression in a very odd way so then i was like okay can you stop shouting in front of my daughter please um and she said there's some bags there and threw some bags at us get your food get out don't pay the bill and never come here again wow in front of everyone so we had to get our stuff

so you've been barred so I've been barred so that was my story do you think she should apologise to you do you think she well I went on TripAdvisor oh I love it

when you get them with that oh no no she went to me I awaited the review did she I'm not going to put a review on but I went on TripAdvisor and I was like

I had a look and I know what her name is okay what can we do oh she sounds like a yeah no Karen

um so are you sure you didn't go to Karen's Diner yeah should we go to Karen's Diner that'd be fun

should we go and wave outside the window no actual Karen's Diner you've seen where they give you abuse

have you been what did you think of it should we go so you go yeah but then it's like is it a bit

much no you do it once yeah you just do it once take it off you go and they just

give you loads of abuse people go well and then actually the other week last sunday me and ed went to this italian that we've never been to before and i was like are you barred well nearly um i i didn't flip the lid and he was like right what wine do you want i said i want that gavi and is it in that shape bottle because that's like a standard thing anyway and he went no it's in a bottle made of glass oh that's rude and i turned around him and i was like well can i just try it and he turned around to ed and went can

your wife try the wine first and ed just like literally any other man would be like and ed was like oh my god don't do it yet don't do it mate and i went what the fuck under my breath i bet ed was like i bet there's so many people that probably met me in life and like i'm james corden now aren't i i'm james corden since she got the blue ticket yeah is it me or is it them i don't know if you've ever had an encounter with me in public right now right right to us if you've ever had an encounter with me or ashley i know i'm all right i lose my head sometimes yeah it's just it's time of the month as well i just think it's time of the year time of the life i feel like everyone's aggy at the minute um do you know what really annoyed me as well i was on daily mail the

other day as i do why the fuck would you want to read that molly may's getting so much shit for having a private bit molly may get shit for everything it's not fair um and they were like oh she's had a baby at the portland and she stayed this many days and it's gonna add up to this and also could you just say half of what they wrote in there was not true it's like you wake up and you have oysters and champagne you wake up and you can have literally a ham sandwich you wake up and you wake up and your vagina's hanging off yeah she had an actual birth i saw uh i don't know she did yeah but again why are they like all like why does she have to answer these questions it's such bullshit and then it was like and it cost it this much and i was reading the comments i don't

like doing that it's very negative i know and then she got some shit for buying this eight grand car i've got the same car i can confirm it was not eight grand it might be eight grand on certain websites yeah but it wasn't so hers might not have been you know what i don't understand is why does it matter but that's her money it's all relative do you think people don't understand the nhs are under so much pressure so she's actually that's one birth less for them to do like let her do it fine exactly if she i just think spend your money how you want it really i'm bringing a baby fine your first baby if you've got all that money yeah make it special listen you don't know how long you're gonna have the money and you don't know when you're gonna be gone so make everything

that you do as special but if that was a man if that was a man buying a car or having do you ever see it say man went to have operation cost him this much went on this car the private jet cost approximately this much no you just never see it wore the watch that cost this outfit ridiculous you just don't see it because nobody cares and she's made that money herself so let her spend it let's spend it on hookers if she wants nobody cares i doubt molly pale we did that she could be a dark horse i don't know um also how funny was it the other day in the car park after recording so we've not told lucas this yet um do you want to tell it right so lauren was on the phone it was really important very stressed on the phone to someone and um it was work related we have to

park like in this massive multi-story in media city before we walk over and you have to always have your car park ticket on you or you can't get out of the car which has happened to me in plenty it's happened to lauren i'd say five out of ten oh yeah and so i was like lauren pass me your ticket and I'll pay for it while she was on the phone so this woman is stood next to us paying for hers getting all the stuff out of her bag and she hears me go like pass me your ticket I'll pay for you no no no I'm not letting you do this the woman in the cafe was right you are lying right now this is what happened I was making a very important call and it was important it was for the pair of us can I just say and I've got this and my hands are going I'm trying to write this

text out and ashley's going give me a card give me a card give me your card and what did i say shut up yeah so she was going give me a fucking card and i was like shut up i am busy and she's like well we're never going anywhere then yeah and then you can carry on now now you've got it right because you did not say can i have your card please you were like give me a card give me your card this woman was like are you two do you two always speak to each other like she literally turned around really slowly and scared looked at us and went is that how you two speak to each other and i was like and because i was trying to work the machine she was on this call i was like yes and she went oh are you related i was like no and then literally the next words out of her mouth

well what do you do yeah i said we work together and she went she sounds so sweet and she was like thinking then she went what do you do and we went got a podcast and she went ah okay and then off she walked but also i think she thought that one of us was bullying the other one so she needed to step in it was like a captor situation because she was like um it was just really weird we were like this is just what we do and then off we stormed because we were both and then we did realize that it must look like and you guys must think wow they speak to each other like shit sometimes but it's not that deep it's not really that important is it no like and that the video clip that's just gone out oh my god have you seen that the video clip that's just gone out of me

talking about whether I fart in front of James. Oh, and they're all saying I'm evil. Yeah, and you say, your relationship's never going to work. Take it, listen. I mean, look, if you listen to the podcast, you get it. People are like, that blonde one, she's going to have problems, never farting.

And I just think, sure, like. The girls that get it, get it. And the girls that don't, don't. I hear you. And that is where we're going for a break. So we will be back after the break with your slutty Susan. My favourite, my favourite, my favourite.

welcome back guys and we are here on nip tuck with your slutty susan confessionals lauren head straight in let's go a couple of weeks ago i was set up on a blind date i arrived and instantly didn't like the guys dirty shoes what no teeth who set you up on this do i need to say more maybe these maybe like they'd fallen out anyway whilst on the day i saw a couple of lads at the bar and i asked them to pretend to be my friends to get me off this awful date it went well i spent all night with these guys from cheshire oh you probably know them and ended up going home with one of them nothing happened because we were both way too drunk and he couldn't get it up but thank god because the monday after i had an interview for a new job and he was the ceo of the

company and he interviewed me along with the other people on the board i've just been offered the job and i'm on loads of more money do i accept it absolutely yeah my friend said he offered me more money because of the dick incident because he couldn't get it up i need opinions love love the podcast i live for it you're doing such amazing work guys who cares at least you didn't shag yeah take the job and so if you did take the job all i see here is you've just been offered a job with more money i don't see any questions and also it's not going to get that complicated surely is it because men don't like any form of complication and if he had a suspect of that he wouldn't have offered you the job yeah i think if it was an issue so i think the complete opposite

i think if he was embarrassed that he couldn't get it up in fact quite the opposite he wouldn't want you working for him maybe he wants another go yeah i think if anything yeah we'll let him no no no no no no work and business and pleasure if she wants though she can do what she wants yeah yeah take the job though definitely you don't want one paycheck and then and then get fucked off yeah you're right you're right maybe just a hand job get your foot in the door first and then wank him off now and again just now and again in the stock cupboard in this now and again in the stock but until you get a big enough promotion now i think that's amazing news and maybe he offered you more money because you're worth it and you're really good at your job and

you're going to be amazing at this job have you ever thought about that there we go right i've got another one i'm not sure if you ask for people's sex stories or whether people just send them in it works both ways we openly ask but i've been watching your podcast and i just had to tell you this story that recently happened so i've been seeing this guy that's twice my age i joke he's my sugar daddy but things have been getting quite serious quite fast we were in a hotel room recently as he had come to visit me he had a few drinks before we got to the hotel room and things got freaky he went down on me and i was loving life when all of a sudden he swung his legs over the top of me and when i'm in a 69 position 69 and saggy balls it would be with double even if she

was 20 and he was 40 still getting saggy balls i had taken my glasses off prior to thank god and i have very bad eyes outside me i was doing my thang on him and i had my eyes shut because i could hardly see when i opened my eyes i had his arsehole right in my eyeline i bet it was hairy i shut my eyes straight away as it wasn't a pretty sight as i shut them i thought what the fuck is that on his bum hole i reopened my eyes and tried straining my eyes to see what was in front of me no no no wait oh no lo and behold hanging out of his bum hole was what looked like red grapes he had piles i now have the ick i can't stop thinking about it i want to know if he knows he has piles honey he will know if he has piles right firstly lauren you're okay so first i think

it's really unfair of us i don't care and i'm going to continue but it's really unfair that we say it's fine for girls to have piles i'm like everybody's got the piles as soon as a man has piles work oh geez do you have piles lucas no have you ever had one where you've had to pop it back in i literally don't know oh my god it's so weird we were talking about our um experience with pain relief and can i just say as a pro of having operations i once got so constipated on cody and i can't take it anymore where after i'd had um a lipo operation i was like literally it was the lipo didn't hurt my tummy because i needed a poo so my friend was like it's okay my little girl gets because some little girls get really bad constipation as well she was like she gets

really bad so here's a glove and here's some vaseline and here's it out and i had to pull the poo out and since then i had one little pile why am i talking is that because it pulled out with yeah yeah yeah and then i i had to like can you look i've never no you'd know if you had one and sometimes like you it was it was angry it was itchy piles are horrible so i had to put it in and then luckily um i used a cream and it went away but basically i'll probably get them again okay so i have got at the minute i saw like in my bum hole it's like a little bit stingy and i thought my thong had rubbed might be do you want to look right is it a pile um no but nothing's hanging out as well and then after that incident i'll show you in a minute with the lipo pile then i think i

was like 20 uh 30 something weeks pregnant it again fell out no i was walking around the house crying my eyes out and when i looked at it because i got my mum around and i was like and i couldn't wear any underwear literally just had to walk around the house in a nightie the girls that listen to this will get it i've never had one my mom like i was like mom it felt like it must have been massive she showed it to me it was not even it was like oh actually your nails are horrible my that color's horrible do you not like that hate it i like your ring i like it i hate that why i really don't like that it's the same color as the brand of your podcast yeah but i don't need it on my nails look at mine that's much more my new ring is so nice

it is really nice wow yeah um right so anyway piles piles are a thing and men and women have them and you guys come to me when you need pile advice and i'll give it you don't need she didn't need it in her eyes did she like a pile hanging in her eye how does she she's basically saying how do i unsee that you can't you can't he needs to get them operated on a few of my friends have had the off but it's not very successful I don't think

she should fuck him off for this I understand it's pretty and if he's in his 40s or 50s he is gonna have piles

and I think what you have to remember is while you were having sex there may have been something of yours

that he saw and thought the fuck is that the ham sandwich do you know what I mean dingle dangle dongle and we've just

all gotta live with it so he had a dingle dangle out of his bum he knows that he's got the piles and he's putting his arse

that's what I mean if you know your piles don't pick a 69er Unapologetically yourself. Hide your piles. Right, so this makes me think that these piles must be a massive problem because...

He's not got rid of them. He's not got rid of them. I had, literally, it wasn't even half of a pea-sized pile and it fucking hurt and ruined my life and I was ringing around like doctors. So why is he putting his bum hole in people's faces?

So I feel like maybe he just has got the piles at some point and has continued living life with these things and got used to it. She did say that he'd had a few drinks before. maybe ah yes they'd had a few drinks maybe you forgot that he's got that he's so into that i hate 69ers by the way i hate them i think they're awful let's ban them do you like 69ers no because you can't concentrate you're trying to enjoy one thing for about 10 years oh well i've not because

i don't like them we try to enjoy one thing and then you're like it's like the bop it thing again someone showed me and you can't keep up your hands are everywhere it's overwhelming some porn the other day it was like some pictures that were going around and one of them was like this is how i just know men again different planet to women a man sat getting a blow job and a train of women all looking into the flannies behind him no none of us are gonna enjoy that not one person would enjoy that not one not one person get a man look at that picture oh yeah they're all up for it no they're not enjoying it not one person

would enjoy that okay anyway do women do women like gay porn like men like

no you know how some men are like oh yeah I watch lesbian porn do you watch gay porn they are fitter the men on the gay porn

I have before looked at them all you know when you're in that fruit nothing's working that fruity I'm on that fruity mood I've been on every category

i didn't hate it i was all right with it i didn't hate i didn't mind it i didn't i didn't turn me on any more or less than lesbians to be honest but i i would say no i would say i don't think women do look at gay porn particularly the way that men look at lesbians what do you think yeah i just i like a threesome porn actually i like amateur amateur all the way yeah always amateur i like a threesome always what's your choice i don't have but since i've been having that thing that we got off love honey 10 seconds 10 seconds you don't need much there do you don't need much of a thing no it's a time saver it's a time saver you don't need to save any time you've got all the world of time all right well i'm gonna go and get my nails yeah i don't like them i think

they're too far too they just look you not with that bottom you pick one of the other you pick the you pick the silly bum or the silly nails you can't have both why are they silly i just don't like the color you'll have to send a miner in with a rope attached his belt to get your piles that's why i've got the nails they're pile pushers to get through all the bottom right anyway guys hope you've enjoyed that listen to right now you've done it now every time we do a an episode of the pod our soul is sold more a bit of my dignity but i've only told you because i i know how many other people will be in the same boat and that's what we do this is why we do this so remember on niptuck we want to get your voice heard so you can email us at

hello at niptuckpod.com you can also get in touch via whatsapp that means your voice notes too which we can play out in future episodes don't worry though if you prefer to remain anonymous we will never reveal who you are simply head over to this episode's description for more info and while you're at it please don't forget to give us a five-star rating and review now if you don't and you're listening now yeah just like ashley's trust pilot review for the cafe if you don't like it don't review it if you do like it let us know it's actually important if you haven't done it then i'm annoyed but we'll be back on friday anyway with our bonus episode of nip talk and it's all about your ics and dilemmas so if you send something in now you may get to hear it on

friday's episode have the best week guys ashley's off to wring her nail lady see look at mine i know they've grown out but that's more of like a color that's i'm happy with like natural nude anyway you do you and i'll do me okay bye