Nip Tuck - See you later, b*tches!

Episode Date: August 31, 2021

Girls don't panic, it might be the final episode of the season but it's a GOOD ONE!In this episode, Ashley and Lauren wrap up the season in style and answer all your burning questions, plus stay tuned to the end for all the bits we couldn't include in the previous episodes.Thank you so much for listening to the first series of our podcast, but don't worry – we'll be back before you know it.Remember to get 20% off your annual Natural Cycles subscription and free thermometer using the code NIPTUCK at checkout at www.naturalcycles.comDon't forget to follow the podcast @ntngaf, Ashley @thecosmeticconsult and Lauren @laurenelizabeth_xx! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hi guys! I'm Ash- oh no I'm not! I'm not Ashley! Right, can we just do this? Hey you guys, welcome to Nip Tuck Not Giving A! Fuck, did you just say hey you guys? Hey you guys! Hey you guys, welcome to my channel! Welcome to my podcast! I'm Lauren!

And I'm Ashley! And we are on our last episode, babe! It's not really our last episode. No, but it's our last episode of the season. yeah so we've done 10 now so this is number 10 1 0 that means you've listened to 10 hours of our shit how does that make you feel think of all the stuff you could have you could have given birth in 10 hours all the stuff you could have done in 10 hours you could have had like a 10 hour kip that's a long that's a long kip yeah you could have done a lot of things but instead you listened

to us you know like the other day i heard a thing and it said that the amount of time in your life it's like three years that you sat at red lights shut up in your whole life wow yeah i've wasted like three years of red flags still red lights a lot longer a lot longer than that you wish three years okay guys so today's episode was kindly sponsored by natural cycles i use the app and it is absolutely amazing you can either use it to prevent a pregnancy or plan a pregnancy by switching in between the modes on the app. I actually use the Natural Cycles app to get pregnant with Saskia so I can vouch that it works. Natural Cycles is the first FDA cleared and CE marked birth control app which is very serious. Okay so every morning you wake up just

pop the thermometer in your mouth. It's amazing for stuff like planning a holiday, knowing when you're coming on your period you start thinking oh my god i am not a bad bitch i'm crying at everything you look at your app and it's like honey you're due on in a few days that is completely normal your boobs start aching you get a pain in your left or your right over you're like oh my goodness i am ovulating that's why i'm a horny bitch today so yeah natural cycles is unbelievable have a little look at it guys and use code nip tuck for 20 off your annual subscription and a gorgeous little free thermometer natural cycles is 98 effective with perfect use which means not having unprotected sex on the red days and 93 effective with typical use which stands for all

possible reasons natural cycles is for over 18s and does not protect against stis just remember that so head over to naturalcycles.com to find out more okay so catch up catch up catch up time what have you been doing um i did a skin course and it was absolutely amazing so i'm now like the expert in everything even more than i was before wow um yeah so i learned how to do pretty much everything facial because my qualifications that i had before was still a higher level but i didn't get into detail yeah on skin as much so i'm really excited to be launching something new regarding that which is gonna be fun i literally can't wait to start treating patients again it's my favorite thing in the world and i'm so passionate about this it works out really well for me as well

because like i don't have to do any of this shit you do it and just tell me for free for free tell me what i need to do and make me prettier and you're gonna do my nipples i am gonna do your nipples i am going to tattoo ashley's nipples i am going to make them darker and more like horny oh porn like you're like do you know like when you see the pictures and they've got water dripping down them these dark little nipples and they're like i'm gonna do that for you and i actually think it's gonna be a mega thing i'm gonna i'm gonna start doing that yeah and we'll we'll see how that so you're gonna be like the nipple the nipple queen yeah yeah you need a niche um what have you been up to lozza oh ruining my life yeah well um i had a big blowout the other

weekend like i went out on the friday and saturday which is unheard that's not you that's not me is it trying to be this person yeah so i feel like i was trying to be a person for a bit i think i was trying to be fun somebody made a comment that i wasn't that fun and i think who i can't say and i think i got it in my head that i needed to be more fun so therefore i just went wild and i went out on the friday night because there was a dad's and then the saturday we had day drinks planned with the girls and i was hanging like i couldn't let the girls down so i had to carry on um and it was gonna go one way i was either gonna be like sat there dying or i was gonna get wrecked again and i got wrecked again it's not like you through the week are like an odd tipple here no i don't

drink all or nothing i'm all or nothing i'm all or nothing in life i don't drink at all or i get absolutely white girl wasted no i'm the other way i have like you have a drinking problem yeah i'm joking i'm joking she doesn't i have a glass of wine like in the week sometimes yeah like with your dinner and stuff i don't do because i actually really like i'm into wine i enjoy it but i don't really i don't really go out out no you don't you get you do get like messy like me sometimes don't you but you don't go out and do it so it's not like a public thing like a public violation yeah like it is with me so yeah i'm gonna work on that i'm gonna try very hard um i mean i've been trying now for about 13 years to do this but i'm getting worse and i think it's because when you have a

child like when you're not with them that time you feel like this is your only chance yeah because you don't want real life again and it's just really silly so i'm hoping by the next season i'm gonna have like mastered this because our brunch is gonna be so bad if lauren's gonna black out and not remember anything lauren's blackout on the floor so oh my god what if people from that website come to the brunch i'm sure i think they will do you i hope they do i hope they do and then we can get everyone really pissed and be like right give me a phone and we can check everyone's oh my god should we tell them about that girl that found the person oh yeah yeah do do okay so producer charlie sent me and lauren this thing

and basically this girl found out who someone was off the website i love these stories like if anyone's got any of these stories please send them over to us because they're amazing it's like full-blown fbi shit right so the way in which she found her was the member what do they call themselves wankers long time lurker long time lurker oh my god can i just tell you a really funny story just right in the middle because i just remembered my friend went on um because when it all kind of came out my friends were obviously furious because the protective of me and she went on to make an account to try and like give people shit and i was like babe you'll get it closed down don't bother i told everyone not to anyway she did and she had woken up in the middle of the night

and gone for a poo and she was really angry about this tattle so she decided while she was having a poo to make a make a profile she couldn't think of a profile name so she called herself the midnight it crapper so if anybody like i'm out in and out that wasn't a real person you can probably tell by the content um but yeah she's not on it anymore she's never been on it again anyway carry on so so screenshot it um this person long ltl um she posted like you know when you do a story and they're bitching about you and they screenshot it yeah but i think when you screenshot something on instagram on like the left or right hand corner there's a little circle with your profile image so she went through who had seen the story and she found the girl anyway she like followed her

this random girl with like not many followers on everything and the girl started panicking i think she like put two and two together and realized she rang her workplace she messaged her partner and this girl was like why are you making my life hell and she was like why the fuck have you been making my life hell for this song how is it not okay for me to like out you yeah for a reason like a specific you have gone after me reason and this girl's just been like yeah slandering it i think she'd had an account for like three years or something i've got a question if people because i know you do listen you pricks um the ones that are nasty about was on why do they listen oh no oh well it's more views for us yeah how would you feel if everything you'd written

was screenshot and sent to your employer or your friends or your partner would you be embarrassed like ask yourself genuinely would you if the answer is yes then you're embarrassing and why are you doing it well there is a way of finding out who the people are but then can we be asked some of the people are so local to me and i feel like don't smile at me when you next see me you prick because but then we told you about the email address thing yes yeah so that's like the best way of like someone you suspect if you press forgot password and enter their email and then it will tell you if they have an account or not so yeah we know a few actually a little bit in breach of ddpr there tattle life what's ddpr gdpr gdpr floor in your system

right the other thing i have to say i've forgotten it what you've been up to sweetheart that's what sweetheart what i've been up to darling darling apart from getting pissed up um you didn't get pissed this week no i didn't at all are you getting pissed for bank holiday fuck say you can't do you want to change i don't know i don't know i feel like we should just send you to the army oh my god please can we go on like an army boot camp weekend one weekend when we don't have the girls let's film it we would be oh my god fucking hell we'd be crying wouldn't we yeah i think we should look into like a proper army boot camp and film it you know one of those fucking mad yoga retreats because do you know one of my friends um she does them like she

teaches at them and basically there's these like yoga and detox retreats that girls can go on for like three to five nights and she said every time they get like the wine out in the evening yeah like you can either choose to drink or not drink she said that nine out of ten people that are booked on it are going through a crisis yeah in their life yeah of course and that's why they've like fleeted and gone on this thing and like they can have their phones taken off them everything and she said like honestly the stories that like she said and everyone ends up like crying getting absolutely hammered all weekend and it's like meant to be going on this yoga just crying that sounds really fun actually i would like to do something like maybe we could like if the brunch

is good do like a heartbreak hotel where you come oh that would we help you recover and we tell they're girls he ain't shit yeah and we get the phones off them but what the reason we take the phones off them is to text the boys like you're a dick is shit from the in-betweeners where they all pass the phone right onto the next person that would be fun right okay so round up of what we've been up so ashley what have you been up to well i did that course i just told you that but you're not fucking listening to me today because your anxiety is no i have got a bit of anxiety today have you started taking those tablets i told you no well you fucking need to no i'm fine sorry i didn't concentrate then and the other thing going on with the boy situation that's

why everyone's logged in to listen to this come on i haven't got a boy i haven't got one i'm not speaking to anyone i hate you literally not speaking no i'm actually no i'm actually not really so what's the plan do we want a boyfriend no at the minute i actually don't want one i'm fine no i swear i haven't got i know you're raising your eyes i haven't got fucking time i really mean that how do i fit one in i haven't got time and also i'm scared now like i feel like now i've been so put off and i just i and to fit someone into my life how it is right now wouldn't be easy at least your vibrator got delivered yeah so i don't really need one anyway except to sleep in bed with these um yeah so our vibrators got delivered and lauren's not

used her i've not even opened it i tried mine yeah these are from that lello company and they do look really nice but i must say mine's was very big like i got it out and i was like oh and i was like oh maybe maybe it would be far too intimidating to use like with a partner and do you think i think men love no but do you not think men like quite enjoy um it when you there's a big one no definitely not i've been with different men though yeah definitely what they you enjoy they like a big one a big vibrator yeah big dildo yeah it being serious yeah why didn't yours like micro penis ones no like just maybe a little inconspicuous bullet or something not like a like a big thing no i guess it depends what you're into

i remember we got one delivered to my old work and basically it stuck to um one of the girls got it and it stuck to um surfaces so we stuck it what did you buy it for a hen do or something no to use um and yeah she bought it to use and basically you stick it to it's got like a suction thing and you stick it to things it's big dildo so you could stick it to the wall for example and bend over you know i mean what i know but this is what you can do and but what we did is we used it as the handle for the drawers with all the files in so for the full day we stuck it on like as a handle and when you wanted to get the files out you had to pull the dick did you ever use it no okay so bank holiday because that's coming around this weekend but when you listen it'll be the week

after guys so when you listen i'll be in a pit of anxiety anxiety again um bank holiday i am not going out on the sunday thea's with her dad i think one or two nights oh two wow um but maybe do a double no i'm not gonna do a back to back um and i'm going to like i think i am anyway if it's raining i'm not going to like this festival thing um oh no it's not me i hate shit like that hate anything outside i don't like the outdoors um and it's probably gonna rain if it's sunny i'll like it right okay then it's so i'm just gonna go it's called retro in the park which Ashley's gonna loll at you are retro

I am retro yeah what's that mean oh you bitch I thought you were gonna say something so um it's like an outdoor

festival-y thing so there's just like even more areas and even more people to see me disgustingly drunk so it could go really bad but I'm gonna try

what do you drink when you go out everything that might be the problem everything anything everything I can drink

anything without even pulling my face I could have five vodka I could drink vodka straight out of the bottle and my face wouldn't move but why would you want no i know it's just my party trick no i wouldn't want to i just get carried away in the moment

so like i'll have like shots and then and i drink fast do you think you get peer pressured oh i probably try and be the class clown yeah um and i also drink fast so say i get like a um double vodka or whatever i get a wine whatever i drink it so fast so i'm like i'm like three drinks down here have three cups of hot chocolate in an hour you'd be like no way whereas if it's like three vodkas yeah i don't know i just drink i guess i'm i just just drink quick and my body's small so it just doesn't handle me right let's do a trial maybe on this thing just stick to one no shots and one no shots and one drink is there a specific drink you think is better i personally think vodka lime and soda okay because then you're getting your water in

okay in and don't do doubles there's no need that's this is the other thing i do doubles and yeah there's no need just get a single right okay i'm gonna do that and then i'm gonna report back for a long time but yeah so for this episode we're wrapping things up a little bit i think you've got to know us i hope a lot more i think a lot more i think we have actually that's just reminded me i got a message um last week of somebody saying they listened to our uh parenting single parenting episode and it said i'm normally one of those people that would heavily judge women that bring people into the relationship early on with kids now i've listened to how you explained it i can fully see how it happens and i said to her i'm actually really grateful that you've said

that and admitted that you would have been a judge because we all judge sometimes um so i feel like that was i feel like we're doing a good job when people say things like that yeah we've got loads of single mum messages yeah we're just saying thank you so much for talking about this it's like a taboo topic but there's so many of us so many people felt like they weren't alone yeah and hopefully like we've had a lot of messages saying like we're quite relatable yeah as charlie our producer hopefully we'll get her on towards the end of this episode said but when you look at us at first you like is it's a bit of an unobtainable life as in not mine no i mean as in but people looking at your instagram yes true yeah wow lauren's on holiday again yeah she's got an

amazing she's always got a full makeup on she's always got yeah and like again looking at mine like people would just think like oh they live the perfect life and we don't and we want to talk about stuff that you know will make other people feel better stop looking at instagram and thinking everyone's got the shit together when they haven't the amount of people so i was on that course it was at m-a-s-t-r it was amazing and i was with a lot of girls that were younger than me and the amount of girls that were saying like i've come off instagram i just don't want to do it anymore um it gives me anxiety it makes me feel horrific yeah i i'm kind of like thinking is there going to be a mass exodus on there really yeah i honestly think that now people are being

a lot more aware i mean look at what's going on in afghanistan at the minute for fuck's sake like this this whole like silliness to look perfect we need to show what we've got we need to show where we're going it's absolute bullshit and also that other website i think is destroying social media as well because nobody everyone's scared i feel like i'm so contrived in what i do i honestly feel like i don't post as much no i still do but i definitely think about what i'm doing i check the background and that's not what it should be i check the background of my picture in case like my knickers are on the floor or do you know like little things like or if i'm in the car and i know i'm pulled up in the car and i take a picture of me in theater or i take a video i will

write on it i am pulled up in the car do you know that kind of thing which isn't necessary really and i do think instagram hopefully though people like us i also think there's another turn there's another thing that's happening which is where people are being more real but yeah i think there's another side to instagram so maybe it will just change and be a little bit more realistic but we have had so many people contact us and thank you we read all the messages yeah i actually i have time to i actually reply to as many as i can um but yeah it has been mega for us so although people have got to know us a lot better i still think now they know us a bit better the questions they may have for us could be a bit different so we put out on our instagram that we're going to

answer questions today and we're going to get you know any little bits that you're not sure about we're going to tell you about our lives a little bit more um we were inspired a bit by call her daddy she's just done an amazing one we love her by the way she's just done an amazing one and i felt like i got to know her a lot more so yeah so it's her new one on spotify it was it's like where she asks herself these questions they're really open yeah i like that and she's so honest as well i love it so luckily though nobody asked us how many people we'd slept with so we don't one one and a half um okay so like lauren said we're just doing like a roundup a little season finale hopefully we'll be back very soon we're gonna do the brunch before we come back um so

hopefully we'll see you guys there if you follow us on our instagram page then we will be able to update you on everything brunch related and hopefully that will be very very soon so let's get into it then lauren okay so what are your three makeup essentials ashley so if you could only pick three makeup products what are they who would you buy and tell us why oh oh like as in i'm only allowed three on a desert island kind of thing yeah or you were going on a night out and you could only take three things to get ready for it what are your three things because the makeup that i wear on a night out is completely different to what okay then you were going i don't no i'm over complicated you're over you're going out somewhere you've got no makeup on you've got

three things you can use to make yourself look better right okay so the three things that i would use are um the helio care 130 plus okay because my skin is protected oh my god so then i will age better in the long run so i won't need to wear as much if any makeup okay so the helio care 130 by miso aesthetics it's slightly tinted you've got it makes your skin like glass i actually really like it so unbelievable yeah and i don't wear it every day i should i wear it because i wouldn't take a why am i why are you going i wouldn't take a foundation with me because then my skin would be all one color do you know what i mean i didn't say you were going on holiday no i mean wherever right okay so the 130 is like your skin but better so i would use the miso

aesthetics 130 plus anyway amazing then i would take an eyebrow pencil because i don't want to look like an albino not there's anything wrong with that any albinos out there no but like it's just i've got white blonde hair and i think that's a good shout a brow is important yeah um so the one that i would take would be the anastasia beverly hills brow whiz pencil because it's got a brush on the end and a little pencil oh you cheeky cow you've got two in one and can you just answer tell me what color it is do you know because everyone's gonna ask it's like i know it's brown mate but is that the name of it taupe anyway and then the third thing that would take would be mascara again because my eyelashes are white and um the one that i love is the two-faced

better than sex one okay and is it better than sex depends are you having it with yeah okay right okay are you ready for the next question okay lauren do you regret getting married no i don't i'll tell you why number one if i'd not got married i might not have had thea blah blah number two i the day was amazing but it was it looked oh my god it was absolutely amazing all my family and friends nearly all of them were there we had a week's holiday it was my mom and her best friend they still say now like what a fucking great week that was like if anyone mentions the wedding they go god it was a good one you were poorly wearing it I know and emergency it was just it was amazing and everybody that went was like it was it goes down in history I fell in a bush

naked my mum found out in the morning so everyone showed her the video like it was just a real laugh and also I enjoyed the whole experience planning the wedding the dress the pictures I felt unreal and it was the one of the happiest days of my entire life and yes now it didn't work but i experienced that and at that minute it was at that time actually it was the happiest day of my life so i'm gonna lead into the next question for you okay because it relates to would you get married again yeah i'm not i'm not for it or against it yeah i'd do it again um i don't think as many people i know you are ash but i get married as much now yeah um i think they get engaged it's really important though do you yeah see i thought that until i realized how easy it is to get

divorced so are you divorced by the way yeah now i know how easy it is to get divorced i don't see marriage as important like literally i was married yes you're married married it took like two weeks because we had nothing to share and we had no assets to share it was a really quick thing the piece of paper was like you're now divorced so now i see marriage is like wow that was good like it can be done and over with with a piece of paper but if i was in love with someone and such a nice special day and everything oh my god the day absolutely um so yeah do it again for a piss up right okay so lauren you've got some tattoos that people have noticed and a lot of people have asked what do they mean what they are right i'm gonna do them head to toe head

shoulders knees and toes the um fanny no uh oh yeah so um i'd like to just start by saying if i could remove every single one you tried to remove yeah i'll talk about that i um yeah if i could remove them all i would remove every single one even if it's got meaning don't care i hate them because they're horrible they're not for me but i think you'll still get more i will never never but you've got a new one quite recently didn't you no i haven't got no i haven't got any i'm not that girl was the dollar sign the last one uh no um i think there was another one that was my last one so anyway no i wouldn't do it again i haven't got fear on me i just it's not for me now yeah no because i don't want them anymore but with tattoos anyone listening that's

young yeah of course some people look great with them whatever but they're there forever like mine are just they were a time and a place and that time and place has now moved on and they haven't so i will start with i have got big angel wings don't let's not laugh i'm not doing it she's they're gonna laugh at me i've got big angel wings at the bottom of that they're absolutely they're huge and that's because when i was 15 i convinced my mum i mean i blame her how the fuck did you manage to do that because i was such a top flag i'm a salesperson that's me through and through and i went and got wings at the bottom of my back i got them done tramp stamp at a really awful place and they look like pigeons pigeons splattered dead wings did you love them at the

time oh my god i went around with a crop top like you missed 60 g yes yes yes i used to pull them killer and i used to roll up my crop my jacket so you could everyone could see them they were so bad so they were small as well but to get them covered up when i was a few years old and realized my brother was like they're disgusting you've got to at least do it right i went somewhere very good and now they're huge so that's one i have also got mum on my wrist don't know why i've got that was your mum happy about that don't think she cared i think she was like well okay my mum gives has given up on me in in entirety everything I do I could tell the most shocking thing and she's like okay like she doesn't even try anymore with me she's like yeah that's Lauren I have got my

ex-husband's name uh initials on the back of my neck have you ever seen them let's see one minute oh that looks very um it looks like like deep thank you uh it is deep it hurts so I've got that I've never tried to get them off because I can't see them so I don't really care that they're i've never noticed no i know i don't wear my hair up that often um so yeah i've got that i have got so on my ribs i have got a tattoo in arabic and that was inspired by rihanna um and did you turn into her when you had it and it says until death separates us which was a valentine's gift to my ex-partner chris who i've mentioned here before i think he's my best friend in the world now and when we'd been together i don't know four or five years i got that done and the weird thing is

it says until death separates us which i meant by like the wedding vows and stuff but listen to this we split up after my dad died so death did separate us wow yeah that's deep anyway meaning to that one serious anyway so when i was with one of my mistakes mistake 20 grand mistake he said on valentine's day my present to him could be he would laser it off he lasered it with that high was it a laser or was it um a pen because you can get it out no no yeah i know i do that i can yeah no it was a laser and he did it that high and intense that i got a full-on infection my side i was screaming in agony do you think he did that on purpose in a weird yeah my side was out like there it was all was he trained him yeah yeah it was all full of puss um and i nearly had to go to

hospital actually it was that bad and now i don't know if anyone's noticed on my pictures probably it's all faded and scarred and raised so i'm too scared i'll never touch it again so that looks a right mess um i also have two swallows on my hip well i quite like those yeah i don't mind them so my nephew jake who died when he was 21 we were only 18 months apart and about 18 months he didn't just die he died really suddenly yeah and really horrifically um but we'll maybe talk about that another time so like 18 months before that happened i rang him one day and i was like i'm gonna go and get a tattoo he was covered in them i'm gonna get a swallow like i want one he's like oh my god mate i want one too so we went together he got a swallow on his hand and i got a matching one on my hip

so i only had one at this time and then when he passed away i went back and got a second one next to it as if we were he was flying with my swallow yeah and i got jake there as well yeah which is great until you get down to the nitty gritty and there's my nephew's name's like on my hip and people go like who's that and then i are really gonna kill the vibe whenever you're pissed and someone's trying to chat you up yeah what's that mean really deep dark story and you're like why did i do that on my leg i have got this is one of the ones i do regret because it's big and it's on my leg it's um the um from my dad's gravestone oh my god this is really depressing it's one of the lines from it anyway and me and my friends always used to laugh because we'd go on girls

holidays and we all knew someone would come up and say what does that say and we'd all burst out laughing and they'd be like why what is it something funny i'd be like no and they'd read it and then they'd be like okay i'll see you later then you're a very damaged troubled person i've got my dad's initials on my ankle i've got a infinity sign with a j in it on my other inside ankle which was for jake i think that's it oh no i've got a dollar sign because i got really pissed in vegas and um i didn't realize that actually that's a sign of a prostitute is it yeah so i've got a dollar sign that me and my friends got and i've got um who told you that in america after i'd had it done um and i have got something that i'm trying the only one that i'm successfully lasering

i don't know if i want to say what it is um on somewhere private on somewhere private i've got some that'd be an awkward conversation it is every time i've got a big name across my lady garden and luckily it's faded enough now that it just looks like pubic hair um but yeah i've and i've got a little heart there as well but um that is enough i have to kind of so since then i've like had a few boyfriends and i've had to get it in there before we sleep together like oh god you're not gonna believe what i'm got there so that it's not a shocker i'm on the way to getting rid of that so that is the long and boring story and is it painful getting tattoos removed oh yeah everyone says that it feels like hot oil it's hot you know like when you cook it you're making

it flicks at you yes it does that's what everyone feels oh it does it does i've got a couple more to do and then my vagina should be all clear in some ways but you're wanting to remove them all no i'm never gonna bother because i don't feel like they completely go and you just end up with faded ones but that one on the nether region's gotta go it's gotta go i remember when i had there and i was giving birth got to go right what is the worst drunk decision you have ever made there's just so many it involved you yes do you remember um our worst night out that we had the the most um we can only tell you part of it yeah part of it we can never we woke up and it was bad it was really really bad it was i woke up and i had no access to my phone

and we'd done some bad things so basically we went to a brunch maybe we should never do a brunch again in fact this is the last brunch we've ever done it's the last brunch we ever did and i think it was about seven eight years ago and we started drinking at like 10 a.m while we were having our yeah we did it was i don't blame us for what happened because of that and so we were at a brunch and it was more than it was 10 years ago wow okay i feel old and um we got really really pissed we went into the toilets and that i think can we say a name we can say a name yeah she's spoken openly about everything yeah so um there was a patient of ours and she was called chelsea ferguson she's so nice yeah she was lovely and at the time i don't know now i don't i don't want

twitter but she was like really really well known and titty tuesdays yeah she did titty tuesdays and she was really well known at that time and we were a bit like wow about a work and i don't know what she does now but anyway we loved her and um she was a patient of ours um at the clinic that we worked at um we'd done her boobs and they were very famous breasts so we went into the toilet and oh my god tuesday charles virgo was there yeah and we were like oh can we have a picture with you and she was like go on then and she lifted she lifted us up now at that point we should have thought unprofessional not okay um shouldn't be doing this and but instead i found myself leaning towards didn't we both lick a nipple each yes we found ourselves leaning towards

a nipple with a tongue out and guess what we did with the picture we put it on twitter and instagram and instagram and then guess what she did what shared it and you know how many followers she had something like 250 000 oh my god so we did that and then we carried on with our night great night lovely to meet you your boobs are great blah blah blah we love you bye-bye who uploads a picture like that onto instagram like were we okay no it's not funny well it is but it wasn't at the time so then we carried on our night and it was absolutely fine i think our phone batteries died because that many people yeah we were like messaging reshare we thought we were great and then the next morning we woke up um and i left ashley's house in an in a in a blur and i actually

was come home ashley hadn't come home and her battery had gone and i set off to work because i was working that day for some reason turn my phone on stuff and i had loads of missed calls and one of them was off our manager who we knew really well as it happened but she was like lauren lauren what did you do last night i was like what do you mean because it was sunday yeah she was like no seriously everyone in the office including like the owners they're talking about this picture you've posted a patient and you're licking her nipples like lauren what have you done i was like oh i couldn't remember and i was like it was ashley that posted it um i posted it was ashes that got re-shared um yeah so she was like right we'll get hold of ashley now and tell her to get

rid of it and i was like i can't she was like why i was like i don't know where she is what do you mean you don't know where she's i was like she's not come home and she her phone wasn't working we got bollocks bollocks absolutely bollocked really bad but we must have been fucking good at our jobs because we used to get bollocked all the time and we never got we always got do you remember when we used to throw um orange peel out of the window yeah but they never found out do you remember when they did that audit on what websites people have been on and um in work time in work time and i came up at the top it was like you spent nine hours on asos last week actually and i was like um and i was like it was on in the background you know in between

pages we literally and i was just like and then they were like no you clicked like this many times and then the funniest bit was when he went but the worrying thing is you're still hitting all of your targets so imagine if you actually yeah imagine how well going on yeah and then actually everyone did get blocked didn't we yeah we did that was a really funny time of our lives someone got sacked for that yeah they did we we did some really funny stuff in that job but we were really good at it so whatever yeah we made some absolutely millions i mean that's sales isn't it as long as you're hitting your targets then you can do whatever the fuck which is why i loved sales yeah you need to get back into it okay back to questions questions with lauren okay so toughest

moment of your life got asked now i don't want to stick to everything deep and dark and what have you but i just think lauren like not a lot of people know like yeah you've been through some really monumental things like your dad dying like you just said like your nephew died yeah you got divorced you were a single parent and that wasn't in i've had some bad shit yeah yeah um i would say the most traumatic oh my god wow do you know what I wouldn't oh I'm gonna have to make it less traumatic because I wouldn't even want to upset everyone's day that much but obviously I've lost my nephew and I lost my dad when I lost my dad he had cancer and he found out we found out within about two weeks of him dying he was into I'll try and do it quick because it could I could write a

book about the whole situation but he was actually in Turkey where he worked he worked abroad and he he got taken ill my mum flew over she found out he had cancer they didn't want to tell me he had cancer because I was going to visit them on a holiday so they said they thought we'll tell her when she gets there so I got on the plane really excited for this holiday got there my dad looked so poorly and my mum was like I need to tell you something he's got cancer I was like what what do you mean so the next day he had a scan booked at a hospital in Turkey so I said to my mum I'm going to take him because you need a break so I'd only found out he had cancer the day fucking before went to this place in turkey and he had all these scans done and he was really poorly already like

really quick and i don't know why they did this but when he was in the mri scanny thing they came to me with the results while he was getting ready and like getting changed 19 i think or 20 i don't know and they took me in a room and they were like okay we're gonna tell you now the results and then you can decide as he's like i don't know i think yeah because i don't think he was fully with it so they had to so like you can decide you know with this information bear in mind again i only found out he even had cancer the day before um and they pulled out a scan and they were like okay it's everywhere it's everywhere and i was like what so where did it start um i think his lungs but it was in his brain his spine his everywhere so they showed me this

thing and they were like it's everywhere and i was like and i was like what does that mean and they were like he's gonna die really fast like you've got weeks and i only found out the day before that he even had cancer so then i had to make a decision where i thought what do i do with this information and i thought i can either go and tell him he's gonna die and it's everywhere or knowing he's gonna die really quickly and they told me because it was in his brain he would start to very fast lose all what's the word like know what's going on yes so i thought you know what so sad so i made that decision at that point that i wasn't gonna tell him so when he came back in so i said to them i was like right this is what we're gonna do you're gonna tell them

that the scan was pretty much all clear he's gonna have to have some treatment but it's all gonna be fine i was like and i'm gonna deal with the rest so that's what we did he came in and the consultant like lied to him for me and i said it's all fine you're gonna be fine um and i sat then was he happy he was like thank god for that and i sat for three hours in a car from in a taxi kind of thing from the hospital to our villa um knowing that he was gonna die very quickly and i couldn't react because he was in the car so i was i texted my mom she was still at the villa she didn't know this was going to happen so she couldn't help me so i and he was like thank god for that lauren god i thought i was a goner and i'm sat there thinking you are and i couldn't say

anything for three hours and then i got home found like a room on my own and then i could break down so that was probably there's been more that's just one of a million with my dad's illness and my nephew but that probably was the traumatic moment in my life and then like how sorry to ask all these questions like we've not really ever spoken no not that much i kind of crack on don't know yeah yeah um what like happened then after that like i say traumatic so did you just have to like quit work leave home like no no so what happened is we then had to get him home from turkey and he was when i say progressing quickly i'm talking every day nearly dying that's how quickly it was going we needed to get him home and the only way to get him home was in an air

ambulance which are about 20 to 30 to 40 000 pounds so um i like took the role of like i don't know i just took over everything and um i was ringing insurance companies but anyway managed to finally get him an air ambulance paid for to go home but only two people could go in it so my mum and dad did i then had to get a taxi to the local airport stay in a hotel overnight on my own and then get a plane home myself in the morning with all his belongings that was like the first time he'd ever yeah really with all his belongings as well and i can remember trying to drag all these bags and stuff and knowing what was going on knowing he was in an air ambulance and then i got a taxi straight to the hospital from there so we went straight into hospital straight into

hospital then they let him out and we said we were going to look after him at home so i made like a makeshift bed on the floor and i would sleep either in his bed on on the floor you know he was dying at this point no because i kept saying he would like go in and out of like normalness he kept getting up in the middle of the night because his brain had gone thinking he was a spy and he would like climb over me and start packing up his things if i'm going to russia i've got things to do we must pack now and i'd be like dad come on get back in bed um and then it got to the point that we had to like wash him and this is one of the reasons me and chris is so close chris actually washed him in the bath and shaved him and everything so that's why we're still so

close and yeah i would lie on the floor next to him and then he died at home like a week later yeah so that or there's more involved in that i can't even like that must have made you so strong yeah there's more there's more like i could like i say i could write a book but that was the kind of that was a traumatic experience so you had your dad die what year was that 2010 2010 and then two years was it i don't know was it two years later i should know this but i don't um my nephew died about two three yeah he died as well and he was only 21 and he actually i probably should speak about this another time he took an illegal high a legal high legal high it was the bath salts i think do you remember everyone used to say what were they called they were like they had mad names

i can't remember it was a legal high anyway and he took that that was on august bank holiday wasn't it maybank holiday yeah and i was in spain um on holiday with my mom and i got a phone call to say jake is in intensive care they didn't know what happened at first he thought he'd been stabbed um so we had to come home from our holiday early honestly i swear to god holidays so we're in the airport like what is gonna die what the fuck and we're there with all our cases and then we were going to go home and get changed and then you hadn't had the year at this point no no i hadn't had the year and we were going to get changed and come back and my sister-in-law rang me like no you need to come now like it's going to happen so we went directly from the hospital to sorry from the

airport to the hospital with our suitcases to see him and he'd taken a legal high and long story short he'd he'd actually cut himself with a piece of glass in his neck because he thought he couldn't breathe and he thought that was the way to release pressure so that was pretty traumatic as well yeah and then you got divorced that's fuck all is it comparison to that but that was a that was a bad one but yeah that compared to those things but i feel like when you're in a low place like you reflect on other things it's a different pain so that was really low let's ramp it up now let's all be positive okay jesus i feel like the lights have gone down yeah like it's like wow anyone got a ginger short i think charlie's like wiping her eyes okay let's let's like move i'm

fine now like this is so i'm okay let's just wrap it up in the sense that all that shit's happened to me i'm fucking fine okay so i'm gonna do some more gerard that's like we're jumping from one thing to the next but here we go okay would you rather have no sense of smell or no sense of taste oh my god um no sense of smell but then what if you've done a fart and you didn't know if it smelled oh this is good one would you rather dominate or be not dominated be dominated why i just like being the baby would you rather have sex with the light on or the light off off every time really oh off i can't enjoy myself with it on i can't i'm too concerned about my expressions this is a good one would you rather sleep with someone on the first date or wait for

six months first date can i just say i think we need to stop um this slag quotation mark thing and you shouldn't sleep with someone the first day you walking get congratulated for doing exactly i just think in this day and age i'm 31 years old if i want to shag someone on the first date then i will and it's a it's like why is kissing okay but having this is ridiculous yes and i think girls need to stop calling each other as well because i don't get it and you know when men say that she would be like she might have a bigger hole because she slept with so many men right that's bullshit because if you're in a relationship you're going to be having more frequent sex than somebody who has sex with a different person every week so i think this whole it's just the way that

men talk about women's fucked up and disgusting and they can all go and fuck themselves if they want to do that so fuck you men oh sorry fuck you i'm doing my period okay every month every fourth episode ashley's gonna be a cunt okay so one of the things that ashley got asked because you're such a date whore and you're such a good dater is about dating apps what's the best dating app um what's your experience with them well obviously the best dating app is raya but it's really hard to get on it can you get me can we get them to get me on it oh my god i thought it it's called raya uh well raya raya whatever it's can somebody get me on but someone we know has just got on it can she get me on it have you applied no see this is a thing well then you

need to apply so that's like the exclusive one and it's got like more exclusive dick but exclusive dick is usually annoying awful yeah they know that they're exclusive so they're not yeah and they're usually like spoiled brats as well so like do you want that kind of guy or your own it yeah i mean everyone's got different dating apps for different times of their life i mean i'm not on plenty of fish just yeah but i heard that plenty of fish is just guys that are in the army that want to fuck what yeah like military people all right okay anyway right okay good ones hinge hinge is a good all-rounder yeah have you ever been on it i've been on no dating apps ever right okay so um i actually got back in touch with ed because we found each other on hinge oh wow so

what you saw him on then we like what the fuck are you doing on here i'm right here and then i think we started like speaking as if like we were like from the beginning like hey asl yeah so hinge is a good one um i yeah i feel like tinder is the lowest well i went on tinder and i was like casually seeing someone and then in the lads group chat like someone saw me on there and sent a screenshot and the guy was like just a question are you on tinder and i knew that he was on raya and i was like oh no and i went do you know what they're both the fucking do the same job at the end of the day so you can go and fuck yourself if you're pulling me up for being on tinder just because you think you're premium on there on a premium dating yeah you're premium

premium dick cock sucking well not really i don't know premium something anyway so yeah hinge lady is hinge is brilliant and do you know what even if you feel like i had one of my friends around last night and she was like saying i'm not ready to go on these dating apps and stuff like this and i was like listen stop taking everything so seriously because of covid and also because of our age and society's changed so much think would you ever go in a bar thinking i'm out to meet a man no you don't do that when we go out we want to catch up yeah we've got so much to talk about we want to take ourselves not seriously we want to walk around and have fun and also i feel like going out now is so expensive yeah you can't do it all the time i i don't know what has happened

why is it got so expensive like if i'm going out in town like taxi to manchester 50 quid taxi home 50 quid then meal you're looking at about 100 pounds each easy with your food and drink yeah unless you eat like i do so we're already on 200 well weatherspoon uh we're already on like 200 pounds there then you go to a bar afterwards another outfit hundred quid outfit babysitter makeup hair i mean you don't have to you can't do that all the time but if you want to i feel like when you've got a kid you're like i'm not just going out for nothing i'm going out for something good so anyway back to my dating app thing save your money girls and you know these men are out there they're single and they're looking for someone to take on a date also red flag is if

they message you saying do you want to come and chill at mine or if they have snapchat i think anybody that has snapchat is a red flag and i've got the age of 23 no i'm gonna say 25 25 right okay um i i have it an account but it was just because i used to use the filters but the two filtered so i don't use them anyway well you can catch people out really easily on snapchat as well because of that score thing yeah yeah no i don't use that and i think if you have it in your bio as well any lad that wants to talk to you on snapchat is a shady shady motherfucker because basically they want to speak to you on snapchat so that you can't show any of the pictures or messages and they think you're gonna send them nudes yeah oh my god i've got a tip i've got a

tip and a trick what i know this from a friend um okay no it is because i don't it's always a friend no no i don't have it well i do i don't use it no i swear okay so if you want a screenshot on snapchat without them knowing so do you know on an iphone when you screen record no when you tells you that do you know when you half swipe up and it puts the tabs up that you can x off x off you get it into a tab section and screenshot the whole tab section the entire conversation is then on there do you see what i mean so you're having a snapchat conversation you half swipe up yeah so that it puts it loads the whole thing yeah and then you know when you you know you flick your finger across all the tabs that you have open yeah yeah you put it onto the tab and you can

screenshot let's just normalize not fucking having snapchat i'm sorry girls you are beggy as fuck if you are talking to a lad on snapchat he's using you finish the conversation throw your phone on the side the guy wants to talk to you on snapchat because he's probably got a girlfriend yeah actually he has he's got a girlfriend he's got two and a child and one's pregnant and a wife yeah i agree someone i was chatting to i was chatting to for ages and we didn't even exchange that happened to me and i just find that odd now he took me out in public and i found out he was married with kids oh disgusting how disgusting is that and then he messaged me again and i literally said back to him like you are disgusting i feel so ashamed blah blah blah and he just put laughing

faces oh the audacity is an all yeah they're just got oh they're horrid aren't they okay so hopefully you've got to know us a little bit more and i think you'll get to know us even more in season two which we are hoping to be able to do what we're going to do now is take a little bit of time out to organize things a little bit better so with this um season it kind of took off much quicker than we ever expected so we've been chasing our tails so much we did one episode and i remember being at the gym and charlie ringing me like or messaging us like have you seen the itunes chart i was like what we just didn't expect it so then we were like shit we need to do another shit we need oh my god and another and another and another oh my god like

6 000 people listen to us so we started having to really so we've been kind of on the back foot haven't we with this it's been like probably at this point we will have hit about nearly 60 000 people thank you like what the hell it's been like unorganized on our part let's say oh so unorganized there was no marketing there was no pr it literally is just we come in a studio luckily we've got charlie here and she like sorts everything out and then we release it and hopefully i think the brunch is going to be really good because it's something for you if you're not doing all your crazy nights we can focus on it we can make it so amazing for all you girls so that's one of the things we're going to focus on we're going to look at organizing season two a

little bit better so that we have it all planned for you and then one of the big things that we're going to be doing with our time is planning this brunch so we've got a meeting next week by the time you hear this we'll have already had it um and we're going to discuss where we're doing it the format of how we're doing it like we need we've got it's going to be a big thing for us and we're just gonna all get drunk and we're gonna have a laugh we're gonna meet you all and you're gonna be with like-minded people as well and we've actually had a few people message which i think so nice saying that i know saying that they want to come on their own like is it okay if i come on my own and we've been like absolutely and then we'll put those people

together anyway like single girls meeting single girls because i feel like especially in your 30s do you know what you kind of feel a bit alone yeah and it'll be so nice for everyone to like network and meet other like with like-minded girls yeah that that have similar values to us that are that don't mind going out and getting drunk and that are happy to be in the bad mum club and just like i think it'll be really nice and i'm excited for that and the goodie bags are going to be out of this world are they no they really are yeah i think we need to get charlie on and make her ask some questions actually don't you yeah because we couldn't do all this without her and you hear her in the background she's actually really fucking funny funny she's like

one of us yeah she's like one of us we have a group chat and yeah she's amazing so i think we're gonna get her on so that you can get to know her a little bit as well definitely okay so charlie tell us what you thought from like the first time because me and you had quite a lengthy conversation on the phone didn't we i remember when you were like dming me and i would like reply and then and you'd be like oh i want to chat to you about a podcast and i'd be like what like because from my point of view when we make them we do have a certain level of being able to say like i don't know if that's going to work um we don't want you to spend your money and it'd just be terrible so we were like okay well let's just see what this is going to be and i'd

like reply to you and then you'd forget to reply and then i'd forget to reply and be like right we need to sit down and then he emailed and i was like okay we really need to get this in and when you called i was like oh actually this this could be really good and you're like me and my friend lauren like i don't know why people like us we don't have that many followers but you know people are interested in us and then you're like okay let's meet let's let's introduce you to lauren yeah and then as soon as lauren jumped on the call she was like oh sorry my heart is itchy and i've got like i'm stressed because i fear screaming and i was like oh my god this is gonna be hilarious i bet you've never worked with anyone like this oh my god this is wild and um i

just thought you know what yeah this is going to be a laugh but i think the main thing is that people don't know is one when we all came in here we were like we don't know like I can do as much as I can to like prepare you and like tell you how it's all gonna work but there's there's only so far I can take yeah until it's up to you both yeah and I think when we came in we were like okay well that's that um and I'm like right well it takes two weeks to do this and then it's gonna go to the editors and then we'll send it back to you and we'll go live and then we'll just see how it does and we were like yeah cool fine and then we were like i hope it does well because i really like those girls and then i was like oh my fucking god girls nobody ever manages to do this and you were

like at first we were like oh my god you're like third in the society and culture chart this is like the biggest section of apple podcasts and then all of a sudden you were seventh and we were like oh my god we were like in the whole of the uk yeah move out the way which is and from my point of view fully understanding this industry that never happens literally never happens so you smashed it amazing but then i think that the other thing that i want to say about you but also to people is that i'm the one checking tattle like it's me and i actually got to the point where like i would like i'd be on my phone and be like oh i'll just see if anyone said anything i'll see and we don't choose our content based off what people on tattle say but we do i don't tell you

what it says i don't tell either of you no but then if there's something where i'm like everybody's saying this i will find a way without saying i've seen it on tattle to be like why don't we do this yeah why don't we say that and it's not we're not choosing our content because of that we're just making sure that you get your say yeah that was the whole point of the podcast in the first place exactly yeah so I just didn't think and actually the last thing I want to say on that is that it's hilarious how wrong people are and it frustrates me because now I know you both for the last 10 episodes that's also like spending hours in the studio every time like also having conversations off the podcast yeah literally every day it's it's actually funny

how people like piece things together and I've actually reflected on myself and thought god when you see like a celeb that you like or you know like an actress or an actor or somebody like super a-list and you're like oh my god they must be going out with them or like kylie must be pregnant or you know like that sort of thing it gets to the point where you're like it is absolutely wild what you can kind of piece together and pull the story from in your own head and that is all i have to say on it because it's it's it's entertainment for me yeah i mean it's i mean it's not okay um but i'm really proud of you both i think when you first came in the studio you both knew what you wanted to do you didn't realize how successful it was going to be and

you've really like come into your own that you don't need as much help and guidance from me but there's always those little things where we're like let's do this let's do that people are going to love that and i'm really excited to see what um you do with season two thanks babe yeah okay guys thank you so much for listening and we will see you all at the brunch hopefully we will be back in a couple of weeks we need to take some time out as you know lauren's so fucking busy i'm only joking no we are we're both busy and this you know it takes a lot for all three of us and abby our editor she's amazing wow shout out abby thank you but yeah for astrid to put this together and lauren and i you know you get to hear an hour but it takes a lot longer than that

um and really we want you to get the best out of it as well so yeah we're taking a few weeks off and we will see you guys soon follow us on social at n-t-a-n-g-a-f at the cosmetic consult and at lauren elizabeth underscore xx thank you actually we have got an appointment this week Ashley we've got a joint one because we've been in touch somebody got in touch you do it

no I'll start again Tasmanian devil do you remember him we need cough I feel like we're on form we're on form today we need cock

guys could you deliver us some And a nine-inch cock Do you reckon I do you know what men definitely measure their penises With a ruler Yeah, if I was a man, I'd a hundred. Yeah, I would definitely yeah, and I would Write to the base the base. Yeah You get your asshole

What's your asshole to do you know penis Do you know that the average male penis is... Five and a half inches. I thought it was six. Are they getting smaller for fuck's sake? The men are getting shorter and the dicks are getting shorter. Fuck. And they're getting cuntier.

Yeah, they are. And actually, I'm getting no dicks, so mine's non-sensitive. What is this white stuff I always get on my black stuff? Is it when I'm pulling them up my dry legs? It's discharge. Oh, it's the moisturiser, that's what it is. My discharge is green, it's not that. where's my coffee bitch charlie is it recording

i think it is hello i fucking hate charlie charlie's got a big bottom charlie's got a big dick do you reckon charlie likes it up the arse she loves it Is there someone scratching their minge? Is someone scratching their minge in the microphone? To rate us, to subscribe, we want to keep going and we need your support. You can follow us on Instagram.

The podcast... Fuck! Wait, I'm going to start with... The podcast page is at NTNGAF. Actually, I don't think I'm that bad at it. I think I should... Is it the list? Is it really difficult?

Okay. Okay, you carry on. so after that I've got a lisp okay