Nip Tuck - Sexy Swingers

Episode Date: February 8, 2023

The girls are back and up to no good as usual. Ashley is still suffering from her bum surgery and Lauren is questioning whether snogging a bestie is cheating or not. Plus Slutty Susan returns and the girls have never laughed so hard!To get involved with the show, you can send us a DM on Instagram and TikTok, find us @niptuckpod.Or you can email [e-mail] can also send us your Icks & Dilemma's via WhatsApp! You can text or voice note the girls on [phone] Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

hello and welcome to nip tuck not giving a fuck this oh we're both going for it okay go on this is the podcast where we celebrate being positive aspirational women this is all about being unapologetically yourself yourself on nip tuck we want you to get your voice heard you can email us at hello I do it like you do it now hello at niptuckpod.com you can get in touch

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on how to get in touch with us girls we want to know what's been getting on your tits what's giving you the ick any questions and of course

your embarrassing sex stories basically we don't give a fuck we are back in surgery we're back in surgery how are you today darling i'm fine um how are you i am okay how's the bottom well i'm having like a little issue where my body doesn't dissolve you know those fishing wire stitches yeah so i forgot but so is that why your incisions aren't healing properly ashley has pissed me right can i just tell you how hard it is being friends with ashley so for the past two weeks probably past week she's been the worst i wake up to several pictures of her arsehole um and the incision near it i mean literally she won't say hi you okay and then send them i'll just open my phone and it's like picture picture all my good friends all of her ass crack with these incisions

because they look like they weren't healing but i said to you they're not they're just slow healing because i was like have i got an infection so i've been on antibiotics now for two weeks and i was like have i got an infection i'm gonna need them taking out because that is the most common thing we used to do bum implants remember at maya and we stopped doing it because so many people getting infections yeah because it's you have to really and there's like loads of tiktoks um of people that have had them and then like one day they wake up in a pile of like puss and they have to get them out yeah but ash you've got no redness no swelling you just had a like so that explains it then if you if you can't dissolve those stitches and that explains what's going on

so katie's coming round to my house tonight with some tools and she's pulling them out i removed my friend's breast stitches you'd love to do it i'd love to do it you're a bit jealous a bit yeah i'm i am good at that as well but but being the operative word i know you're struggling to sit down yeah um obviously you have to sit on something quite spongy don't you yes so me and lucas thought that we could bring you something in to help okay lukie so oh my god that actually looks really comfy sit on it what with my legs through it yeah sit through it or sit you have to sit on it ash maybe do it out the side i don't mind but we bought it for you as a gift don't be rude it looks like me as well

i don't believe any of the tiktok comments she's not gonna get it over her ass it's stuck on a fucking fat ass do you need a hand no i think that is actually a really good seat oh oh my god that's life-changing does it feel good yeah you're gonna take it home oh this joke's fucking backfired she likes it thanks guys anyway welcome to nip tuck ash is sat on a duck ash update so we have as you probably know by now me ash and lucas have a group chat and all the time we're in that thing aren't we and ash will put things in and i will as they happen throughout the week so ash you sent one in and it was tell us a bit about two voice notes two voice notes off some uh women so i saw my

friend um i won't say her name i won't get her in trouble these i don't think are our type of people anyway so i highly doubt they'd listen so in her um kids class at school for some reason it's like 80 boys oh i didn't know that that was allowed i thought they had that you did more of a mix yeah and supposedly there's loads of really bad aggression problems like the the kids are beating each other up and there's incidents all the time anyway in the mum's whatsapp group chat which by the way are you in a moment you are you're in one with them sass aren't you i either haven't been invited in it there's one without me in there will be one i'm not in it and i'm in this one don't don't invite me into any fucking whatsapp in this one there's dads as well oh wow

the dads get involved yeah anyway so she was telling me i'll go into his dad's in there they were talking about all these problems that were they were having with the kids and then one of the mums said well i personally think it's because it's 80 boys and she was a girl mum that said this did the boy did the boy mums listen do not mess with boy mums because they literally they wipe their arse till they're 30 don't even no they did they mess and have a bath with the mums till they're like 25 do an impression of the voice note i'll meet you at the gates at half eight yes it was literally it was like i can't remember it it was like you're you're a disgrace i'll meet you at the gates at half past eight and you could tell in her voice she was like she was ready for

a fight and do you think she met at the gates at half past eight yeah well then the other girl replied back like see you at the gates so what were they going to talk about who's got right i'm sorry but as any these people i'm going to assume here don't work they don't work they're from a wealthy background they have to be because stop describing me i'm discriminating because they must have nothing else to do if their concern is meeting i'm lucky if i get at the school gates for half eight i fly past hair everywhere and i'm like take my kid that's what i mean like at least be obsessed with like yourself or something be obsessed with something if you want but not other people's fucking kids no who cares i've lost the year's book bag that's really bad well no i have

no i'm saying this and i haven't right i am 90 sure that she left after school club on a tuesday without it she i know that but because i forget everything i'm like oh you checked your car no i didn't really check my car of course i've checked my car um that's like anyway it's gone have you ever lost something of someone else's and then really defended the fact that you've not lost it or it's not your house probably lost it i did something really bad do you want to hear it yeah one of my first tv jobs was on a reality tv program yeah in liverpool oh i remember what no no no that was like when i was actually on tv i was a runner so my degree is in television oh god i would have loved to watch you get bossed around like a little bitch oh i was the

bitch like the bitch the bitch and because like you were working your way up into yeah you start low you start low and you got paid like fuck all and it was like it was slave labor yeah it probably wouldn't happen now anyway someone lost the keys car keys to the production van so we drive to a shoot stop we have booked somewhere that all the kit is in the van fuck off me and the other on it his name was mark and he was a scalzer he was sound as fuck he was like blame mark no we the runners have to stick together and cover each other's shit anyway they were like you know what the fuck anyway an hour after the producer had to bang in the window and just to get the stuff out and start filming me and mark went out me mark went out for a drink after work one night and he

went i need to tell you something that was like what and he pulled the fucking keys out of his pocket and do what we did we went out for a fag and threw them in the river and i bet you were laughing having your fags and then like when we were up to filming we both were like oh that's it so we kept going i look at each other like a private joke i've never mark i'm sorry i've you've just blown his bloody cover yeah i hope you still work in tv though but not as a runner no if you're still a runner you need to get you need to leave it's been a long fucking time i haven't really i don't think i've ever done that i lose everything constantly all all i ever i lose shit like don't give me anything because i'll lose it the amount of times i've turned up to my house

no keys to get in like i have to every neighbor on my street's gonna have to have a key because i can't get in so i was meant to be out in london this weekend for my birthday and i had to cancel it because of my um you know my arson plants are working their way out and yeah because you were gonna die and you're gonna die and everyone knows she had a bit of red on the i would have ended up like having a few drinks and twerking and probably twerked one out something so i'm staying in the house for a little bit longer good so i was meant to be going out in london this weekend for my birthday and had like a sick outfit planned because i'm i would have been two weeks post-op yeah but i overreacted lost all my deposits shit your pants um i'd organized i hadn't invited you

i don't bother inviting you out anymore if i wanted to come i'd tell you yeah i don't want to no you're not on that vibe at the minute going out no so i want to see what you think about this so me and james had like a little bit of a well we had opposite opinions on this so i was asking you girls ask the boyfriends the weirdest shit one of the things i asked him while we were in new york is this so say i go out on a night out with the girls with my mates we're all partying having a laugh we go back to a house maybe we're all drinking being silly having a pillow fight having a pillow fight and i got off with one of the girls we had a snog just a snog a jokey well um there's different we'll see what you think we have this jokey snog and you know everyone's silly and then

the next day i go home to him and i say look yeah we got smashed i ended up snogging ashley or whatever i was like is that cheating and he straight away said yes it's not he said yes it's cheating you have kissed somebody else in a like and he's do you know what the weird thing is is he abusing you at home he's not jealous no i swear he's not jealous he's not bothered he's so chilled he listens to the fucking podcast you know what we're like but he was like yeah i think that's cheating and i i was like would you finish me he's like i wouldn't be happy you've cheated but then oh what if it was even further you know like me and the girls had a little bit of a maybe not a friend maybe someone else i don't do that with my friends no i don't i'm saying like say

you went out and it was somebody something happened with a girl same sex as what you are is that cheating i think no i don't know what do you think yes you think yes yes i still think kind of know so same sex but no do you know what though so if you're not pissed and snogged not but we would only ever do that for male attention because do you remember i used to do it when i was younger at school discos we used to snog and like the guys would be like wanking out so do you think lucas then i'll ask you if me and ash i don't like the me and ash because i was never snog you If you and Ash Snogged on a night out

For a laugh No So okay Me and another girl Had a snog If you did it As like a Right

So I went home Do you think I've cheated On James then I've cheated on him Is it something I keep secret Because I've cheated now No If you did it for like a laugh

Like I need to know this I need to know What people think about this I would find it funny But if you did it like If I went down on a girl On a night out

Pissed up Smashed Have I cheated on my boyfriend Yeah, and also, that'd be like if James went out and bummed someone, then in the back of your head you'd be thinking, is he gay? See, I don't know. I just, I don't know.

Let's coil it. Yeah. Fuck off. Right, listen though, but I'm going to that thing that you're being a pussy about. Yeah, so I am not going anymore. So we've talked loads and I've given it all the big dick energy and big bollocks about going to this killing kittens thing.

I think I put it to James in the wrong way. i think i made it sound like a full-on swinger party where you all go naked with masks and shag everyone and i think now i've given that impression i can't seem to take it away so then i said like a louis theroux like there's a buffet in the lounge i've gone too deep yeah so then i was like right there's one on and his face i thought you're not into this are you he's like lauren i'll be honest it's not my bag and that's fine he's not a partier anyway he's not he's not his vibe anyway right i'm going because it's on my bucket list yeah which is fine i was meant to go to um it's this one in berlin there's one i think it's called like the kitty cat club

it's sick it's sick and everyone dresses up like fucking unreal like in like that bondage latex dominatrix vibe and you go in and again it's like really high class like um sex club and i didn't get to go because um it was when we were coming home from south africa and our flight got really oh my god it was snowing yeah it was my birthday and i was meant to be flying out to berlin but we were fucked by like a day um and all my friends went they said it was sick so then now we've been invited to this killing kittens so you're like and ed's fine with me going and i'm going and i'm not gonna shag anyone no i know and i'm not gonna take the piss out of anyone shaggy i'm gonna go you want to go and experience it and experience so we've had i will be totally honest with you

guys we had a good chat about it and james just wasn't into it it's not his vibe he's so low-key we go nice out in the pub local and have a lot he's not in he's just not his vibe so then for me to go on my own once i'd kind of made it out to sound like this sex thing he was like um don't know so i just thought you know what i've got a lot going on and i just don't feel like i want to go at the minute and that's it but ash thank god he's flying the flag because i do want to know how it goes and that is your more your thing and that's how it goes no because you like a high end you know you like that i i don't know i think you fit in there anyway lauren what are you ready ready for i've been conned it's about fucking time i've been conned that many times in

my life now it's normal no no no not by a boyfriend then no no i don't i'm the other way around um right so basically i ordered a show pod necklace off vinted you know i love my little i find vinted very hard to use though compared to depop i quite like vinted why is vinted slightly cheaper this is it right listen so i ordered this necklace and i think it was like 200 quid okay and so it was cheap and i don't it's this how much should it have been like a grand so that's really cheap but it was a used one okay and it had like all the box and paper so i was like just take a chance on it anyway order it then um i'm like i'm opening my parcels and open one it was a random metal straw didn't think anything of it oh my god was that the

necklace the new thing that they do you got sent a straw is send you like something really shit and then you open it and it's like a piece of foam no yeah this is the new thing they do and You fucking deserve it, mate. It gets marked as delivered and then you don't report it within 48 hours. And because you've not opened it because you've been busy.

So I've been conned. That's really fucking funny. Sorry. Are you going to put the straw around your neck? You could maybe make it into a straw necklace. But surely if you use

a credit card for stuff like that, you're fine. No, on vintage, you can't use a credit card. And we all know you were using someone's credit card. I actually used my own debit card. So you've been scammed even worse.

You've been scammed with your money. Not even someone else's. Killer. fucking nightmare so what are you gonna do nothing do you know what though it is it's getting people are getting like desperado out there and on um tiktok i saw uh the other day this guy ordered some le boutons off um depop and uh no he sold his le boutons on depop and the person was like oh i did you know said i'm gonna return them they're not for me so they returned them did they return fakes a pair of like working man's boots no and he was this scouse guy and he was

like why is everything funnier when the scouse i don't know so um i need to tell you something lucas i'm gonna trump shall i hold him i'm sat on his jacket so because ash is i'm trying not to Because Ash is sat on like a bum seat, you know, so I don't, I look really small next to her. So it just looks a bit weird. So I was like, I need to sit on something. So I'm sat on my coat and then Lucas offered up his shocker and I'm sat on it. And he said, don't fart on it. Oh my God, by the way, has Molly May had her baby yet?

Right, so. How have you gone from that to that? I don't know. She's bored of my shit. So I've not done it, by the way, I've had it. So Tommy Fury, by the way, can I just say, I think he's fit. Stunning. Fit.

Stunning. however i'm not keen on this pathetic boxer behavior where i think if you're going to be a boxer men and men fight and fight and crack it out punch each other and bleed and get it done with this has been going on for years pussy bitch stuff nobody's getting more bitchy and more more you drew a picture of them a knob on his tommy drew a picture of a dick on jake paul's mouth and then jake paul that's something i do jake paul then um put a picture of tommy from love island in like his boxers on it is funny oh no the baby thing what did he do oh quick she's had the baby yes i know this is really uninteresting if anyone's listening can get

tickets to the ufc on the 18th of march please let me know because they've sold out everywhere um what is it some boys fighting james wants tickets i don't know um listen i've got a big platform why can't i use it now to get tickets yes she apparently the paul guy which one is it logan no it's not logan is it jake it's jake paul jake one of the pauls um put a thing that said baby has been born that's tight that right but why no why why is there a fucking secret so what there's millions babies born every morning yeah but everyone's obsessed with molly may aren't they because she means she'll have a deal she'll have a deal to get no i think people are just genuinely obsessed with her what's it secret why is it secret that's like when uh she did her pregnancy

reveal and everyone was sharing the video do you remember yeah and then like there was loads of memes flying around and it was like you'll share molly may's video but you won't share my business page my my jewelry page where i make where i make a necklace out of my fragrance recycled jeans my dupe my dupe page um okay so clearly we're already getting things off our tits what did you message to me the other day about brats package oh my gosh so i'm not naming any names but there's this one company hashtag brats package search for it that um i stumbled upon the other day that does like you know when people go to turkey and they have work done they're like a broker of the work oh yeah okay yeah again you get your money how you want but this brats doll package this was

what is it it was advertised on the fucking page it was like have the brats doll package and it was like a picture of a brat stall a picture of a brat stall it was like upper blepharoplasty fox lift and um lip lift eight grand package it's like that fucking those uh aesthetic businesses the kmk package you know what the worrying thing about this is yes this is not us saying don't have this done don't have that absolutely not do what the fuck you want but what the issue is here it's impressionable people that are looking that are feeling shit about themselves and they think i don't look like a brat stall for some reason so then they see that and they think eight grand yeah i can afford that and they get sucked in to having five surgeries in one go like you know

that's the problem with it anyway then i went even further down and it was people off like certain reality tv programs getting work done clearly for free in exchange of a post yeah right so i think this is a tough one because i'll be honest if a surgeon approached me and Have you never, I get messages all the time. No, not really. Do you want to come and have this? Oh, I've had a few turkey ones. But like, if a surgeon that I really like the work of

approached me and said, right, I know you want a whatever. Nose job. Nose job. And I really liked their work, okay? And then they said to me, listen, I'll do it free if you post. Would I? Yeah, I probably would. I'd get it for free.

I was going to do it anyway. I want my nose done. I like his work. I'm going to talk about it. You have to look at it that way as well. Yeah, no, I get it. But, like, at the time, after I'd seen that, I was looking at it with eyes of, like...

Different eyes. Wow. And that's, like, that girl off TOWIE spoke out about it. Which one? She went to Turkey to have her boobs done and she said that she absolutely hated them, but she was contracted. But had to, with a contract.

Yeah, that's different. And she... I bet she felt awful then, having to say, I absolutely love them, when she didn't. That's a lot. My rule is my rule. i will never now never ever ever ever now i have done stupid things we all have we all have so don't even i wouldn't name surgeons it's not worth it's not worth it however i'm not saying

never if i had something done and then six months down the line i was really happy with it potentially yeah but you do when you are looking at these celebrities having things done keeping the back of your mind that potentially when did they have it done the yeah you just got to keep your wits about you then research it more don't just look and think she's had it done therefore it's good look at it and think she's had it done let me look more into it right another thing this week that has got on my tits i was the other day walking down the road and you were walking somewhere the driver not free my ass i can't sit down i'm doing a lot of walking okay so i'm walking down the road with my sister and my sister goes what the fuck it's like elbowing me i'm like what

the fuck in a pram but it wasn't like a newborn baby right okay the one that i saw first i saw this literally like two or three times in the space of a week so i think guys will now i've mentioned it look out you can start seeing them and i looked down and it was a probably two or three year old in a buggy right and it had this big fuck off sign saying please don't touch me your big germs are too much like hanging over its head please don't feed the animals yep wow so then i saw another one in tesco then i saw another one on tiktok i've never seen one it must be because the area that you live in no i don't know then i went on etsy and i showed you yes you can buy them there's like 2 000 people have bought them okay so for the first thing here is we have to as we

always do look at every side imagine you had a baby that had been very poorly or premature or premature and you were concerned i can get it for that but then putting it on there also i just think i do get it if we're going to be whatever about it but when i actually think about it where is like human interaction gone i would it automatically i'm not saying i'd put my fucking hands all over the baby but i would kneel down to a baby and if they put the little hand out i'd hold the little fat hand and be like you okay why wouldn't i lauren that's really no no what do you think on that if a little baby like sat up in it no you shouldn't touch no but just for example say this i'm chatting to the mom in a meltdown or in a restaurant and it's doing this and it's

dropped this thing and i would do this you're like hello i don't fucking hell what's wrong right so okay are you saying like you as a mom with your daughter with you as anything i think that's it like no even what right okay stop hang on are we talking germs here are we talking predator vibes are you thinking predator vibes because i was going to say that might because you're a man i don't know is that do you feel different you should never make contact with With anyone, a person, yeah. But if you're in a restaurant with your own little daughter and a baby goes like that...

I think this is ridiculous. Someone back me up here. I think this is absolutely ridiculous. If I am sat at a restaurant and there is a table next to me and there's a little baby in a high chair and it's making contact with me and I'm like, hello, darling,

and it passes me this fucking little rocky thing, I'd give it back. I'd be like, you're good. What the hell? And if someone did that to Thea, I'd pass Thea around. I'd have a hold. I don't...

Someone. i've had a baby like recently okay i these are my personal rules i don't raffling to me i don't want to see anyone for the first two weeks after i've had a baby i don't think and also you need to actually be really really careful about taking your baby out of the house for the first two weeks after they're born i understand that just because i know someone that i think it was her third child and with the third you don't give a fuck you're like right get it she left the house you're on the school run you're like come on

she left the house on like day five after having the baby and took him to M&S and two days later he got meningitis and he's severe like he's disabled

right okay still and she honestly says she'll never forgive herself when she like looked into it in other countries the mum doesn't leave

the house for the first six weeks and like no one knew it was allowed it's not depressing enough no I totally agree with it you need to put the baby

first what used to piss me off was when people would come around to the house or they'd go get outside and get some fresh air and i'm like no supermarkets are full of germs it's it's your own right preference take your coat and shoes and handbag off and leave them at the door when you go around someone's house that has got a new baby or young children leave your shit at the door and always the first thing you do is you wash your hands yeah and you don't pick the baby up unless offered coats and handbags and shoes carry so

many germs on them like it's just not a fucking fart yeah yeah don't fart at the house i just think and then also i've been reading some stories recently about people whose kids have died off cold sores yeah that's a bit i wouldn't kiss a baby but having said this so this was quite a big topic in my friends group chat my like friends that i've been friends with since we were about 15 we've all had kids now we all look after each other's kids we're all you know we're all friends and we were talking about kissing babies now i agree it's a no-no however we all agreed in this we have all kissed each other's babies when they were born and not thought of it so that's like my best friend go around and they go hello give it a kiss on the head and we

were all saying like you're not meant to but when it's your best friend's baby like you you do i don't know i just i just it's such a tough one i think you know you if it was someone random no i'm not going to kiss the baby but i still think if there's a baby in a fucking high chair i've picked babies up before and help the mum and walk around with them yeah but you get the vibe off the mum yes and i wouldn't go picking up a random baby would i fuck but i think to say you should never touch someone else's baby so i was in a restaurant yesterday and teddy was in a high chair the people and his head is very stroking he's gorgeous and a woman walked past and literally oh i just think that's nice i just i'm sorry no i didn't like it i was like that's weird no i wouldn't honestly i'm

totally disagree on that but do you think this is because covid has made us all weird yeah dangerous no because i don't know because they've always been around we don't believe it i don't i think it's fucking shit no they've always i know i don't i don't think that i just think we are getting for whatever reason and it's probably a greater plan in this but i'm not going to do conspiracies right now the matrix we're all going going further away no one trusts each other everyone's oh don't touch of it scared of this scared of that and then we're losing contact with each other which means we are much easier to divide and conquer justin bieber's a lizard i've heard that one yeah right yeah i disagree and and if i in fact yesterday i went to a kid's party one of the mums was there

with her little boy same as just there and then she was holding her daughter who was about two months old i didn't even ask picked her up and she was like thank fuck for that i can drink my wine i just went come here pass her a holder for you that's different yeah why is that different but She's a school... We're friends as a school mom. Girls, let us know what you think. Girls and boys, let us know what you think.

Yeah, let us know what you think about this because I automatically would pick up a baby and the other reason I would do it is to help the fucking mum. Anyway, we're having a break. Calm the fuck down, Lauren. I'm not a fucking row. Give me a baby to hold now.

She'll be speaking at the Houses of Parliament next. I will kiss everyone's babies. Lauren for mayor. Oh, it would be fucking mayor, not mayor ass. Right, we'll be back after the break with your Sleddy Susan confessionals. welcome back so on to slutty susan slutty susan ready for it girls let's go hi girls

let's go girls oh it's good that first of all i love you both loads love you and your podcast has me giggling every episode it's so brilliant okay we like you my husband and i are in an open relationship oh yeah you put your makeup down then didn't you seems like an open relationship ashley was like oh interested we've been this is really interesting we've been together nine years and i'm bisexual oh my god this is so weird that we were talking about that yeah but they're in an open relationship and she's bisexual what i was talking about was when you're not bisexual anyway so to cut a long story short we're young swingers

get them in I would love to talk to them oh you pretty young things we basically live a completely normal marriage although we go to parties etc and have sex with other people

I wouldn't say that was a normal marriage but what is normal anymore it's a pretty underground thing but it's a big scene it's getting bigger as well we need to know about this

and maybe that stops people cheating right another time to talk about that I've attached some pics of me and some of my gal pals because everyone thinks that this scene

is full of old people and it's just not the case Because I do I kind of assume It's like older swingers You know when you Look at the porn Lucas has just

Sent us some pictures She's put There's also a nudie pic Because you said Recently no one Ever sends you your nudes So we're gonna look At the swingers

Right we're both Opening the picture now Mate they're all fit What They're fit What Whoa And they look young

What They're swingers Yeah I am Like, whoa, whoa, whoa. So these girls have all got boyfriends. They look like they're about 20. They look about 20.

They look like they're going on a night out on the town, not swingers. The group of four, the one writing is the girl on the left in the black dress. She's fit. Yeah, fit. She has a husband. She's bisexual.

And those are other girls that go to the party and she has fun with. Right. So it says here, so basically we attended this party, a beautiful private house in Sussex. It's killing kittens. Must be killing kittens.

Do you think? Maybe. I think she'd have written it if it was. Do a lot of parties in Sussex or that Club Hermione one. Anyway, I am presumptuating, but is that even a word? That's not a word. The house was in a really posh area, although it was set back off the street a bit,

so it was very private. There was a hot DJ. The party was banging. As you walked upstairs, the mezzanine was fully glassed and there were three girls getting it on. What? Oh, my God, I want to go to this party. It's turning me on.

In the kitchen, there was one of these fuck master fives. What's a Fuckmaster 500? I actually know what one is. James is a Fuckmaster 500, let me tell you. She just looked at me disgustingly. Anyway. So is that one of these? Let me tell you my story about the Fuckmaster 5000.

I'm yet to have a go, but I feel like I missed out. So as these nights go, there's sex everywhere, as you can imagine. It's around 2 a.m., party's in full swing. everyone was pretty drunk and engrossed in whatever or whoever they were doing when in the kitchen walks a bald man around 70 years old in his check pajamas and dressing gown adjusting his glasses he started trying he started trying to turn the music down but then he stopped to take in the scenes of what lay before him it was pretty awkward but also hilarious the owners of the house were upstairs otherwise engaged oh my god and to this day totally oblivious so we just told

the nosy neighbor he should knock before coming into someone else's house i'm standing there with my tits out having this conversation with him he very quickly left i'd have loved to be a fly on the wall when he went home and tried to explain the scene so he's literally thought what's that bloody racket and he's adjusting his glasses and he's shuffled off in a country house in sussex what are you doing and then he opens it and everyone's licking each other right so i have stories so um the other week a girl came around to my house to give me um a drip to 5000 a drip and i as you know we are i was like saying to her what do you do she was saying she's paramedic as well as doing these trips and i was like is it true that people really shove random shit up

their ass and she was like i can't tell you like how many weird things people put on their ass and i was like but what's the weirdest thing that's happened to you at work weirder than a chair leg right she said that the worst thing is when she goes around to swinger parties and it's usually gay swinger parties like where someone likes of you lucas has overdosed or something and she said when they go in the lounge like no like not like just in a bit of a funny right yeah what about a funny turn yeah and she goes in the house and they people still carry on fucking around all the paramedics and she said that they did like it happens quite a lot so they'll go in like to deal with the person on the floor and everyone else is just giving it then the next then the next story

that i need to tell you would you be the one on the floor passed out or would you be one of the ones giving it you'd be giving it wouldn't you mate doesn't want to say you'd be giving it um the fuck master 5000 i follow these um two porn stars on tiktok and they live in the towers and they're 19 year old porn stars and they're two girls the deansgate towers where all the fit influencers live so anyway they live in there in those apartments some of them are horrible they live in there in an apartment um which is a penthouse apartment they're 19 they're both fit yeah and they get they do these really really funny tiktoks and it's like guess how much we made in 10 minutes 10 grand and all that stuff and they go like what's the biggest thing you can

fit inside your family anyway they've got in their apartment a fuck master thing and they go on it and they squirt right can we talk about squirting yeah i don't squirt no i don't not everyone does do they i've only done it once and it was off that vibrator by the way i was just about to say that to you that vibrator is so fucking good took 20 thank us later yeah anything off the love honey website like anything it's not just for that but we've been using the womanizer premium two um and you know what someone messaged me actually um which i think we'll talk about this on maybe another episode she messaged me she's an influencer i'm not going to say name of course and she asked me about the vibrator that we've been um that we've been sent to use and she said

she has some conditions with her vulva um basically like where it's sore it's really common so she can't yeah it's got a name hasn't it so she was saying it's really common so she was saying is it good like she wants to try it so she was going to try it as well because it needs to be really gentle so i told her that it can be gentle and that there's different settings that you can use as well no it's gentle you don't put it up you're funny you put it on your clit it's giant it's gentle you said you used it the other day didn't you i used it all week I had all the kids all weekend I can't, no, no, no, no

Ed can't I can't be able to I'm coming upstairs and I'm turning it off She had to turn it off really fast and it was making this and I had my electric blanket on

Oh my god Is it okay? What's under there? Two seconds it takes for me to come so I turn it on quickly blast it out but I was going like like one

So if you want to try that our favorite um bits and bobbins off love honey the butt plug yeah so ash has got a butt plug it's a silver one you fucking got one as well i'm just about to say i copied you and the end of it is um a pink diamond thing isn't it like a diamond heart um so when you bend over you've got a diamond heart popping out your butt it's only a tiny it's only little it's the littlest one i haven't used it still so i bought it because i copied ash and i still haven't used it then also one of my other favorite um things off love honey is a glass dildo why just as an ornament and it's a glass absolutely stunning it's a glass dildo with a pink love heart on the bottom as an ornament

to get like pictures with you know for what your only fans you take husband pictures yeah I just have actual sex I just put my lingerie I take a little time Lauren doesn't even have lingerie No do I fuck I've got whatever knickers My mum bought me at Christmas

Lauren We lingerie We lingerie We lingerie Anyway Slutty Susan Number two It's a voice note

When you're ready Hi girls Just wanted to say I've literally Listened to every Single podcast sometimes I like refresh constantly because I'm like when's the new episode out um but you're smashing it and I just love it um but I wanted to tell you a story because I feel like you'll

both find it so funny um I'm still with my partner now we've been together four years now when we were first seeing each other um he'd been out with his mates and I'd been dancing in night clubs because that's what I used to do as a job um so he'd obviously been drinking he picked me up after work and got back to mine and we were having sex and he was like pissed so so we were having sex and we were doing 69 but because he was so pissed and drunk I just he I don't know I just feel like he didn't know what he was doing but he was on top and I was on the bottom and he's obviously like licking me out and I'm doing my thing and I like hear something and I'm like what is that he's snoring oh and he's falling asleep his head is in my vagina he's fully snoring away

because he's so pissed and like my boyfriend's dead muscly like he's he's heavy he's a big lad and I couldn't get him off me so I lay there with his dead weight on me his cock in my face and I'm thinking I can't get him off me so I just had to keep like slapping him to try and wake him up but we're still together now and I never ever ever let him live it down I remind him all the time and we laugh about it so much yeah it always makes me giggle when I think about it imagine him literally squished and his head's sloppy in your vagina

and you can't get him off. Imagine being under with the sweaty balls on your face and you can't get him up. I'd put my finger up his bum and he'd soon jump up. I'd take pictures of him.

Yeah, I'd get my phone and take selfies. Yeah, me and Ed, when we're really, really fucked, we're always like, oh, you could have done anything to me last night. Yeah, we sometimes say

you could have done anything. And James sometimes says, I'm going to get you so pissed and I'm going to do whatever I want. And then we don't because we both get fucking pissed and we pass out.

Eat pizza and pass out. Yeah, we eat pizza, get in bed and we're like, right, let's... And then in the morning, we're like... Well, do you know, some people, when they go out, they do actually have, like, really a lot better drunk sex, but I'd rather have sex not drunk. I'd rather have it sober.

So I think when you first start seeing someone, I'd like the first time, I think, a little bit drunk because it's a bit embarrassing. But then I think now, I'm not that... I can't... I don't feel the same pleasure when I'm drunk. A couple of drinks and I can't feel my downstairs. anyway um i think that's a roofie maybe remember on nip tuck we want you to get your voices heard you can email us hello at nip tuck pod.com you can also get in touch via whatsapp that means

voice notes too which we play out in future episodes don't worry if you prefer to remain anonymous we will never reveal who you are simply head to this episode's description if you want more info on how to contact us please please don't forget to give us a five star rating and review if you're listening if you like it review it honey because we'll go away otherwise and then you'll be fucking sorry uh but we're gonna be back anyway on friday with the bonus baby the bonus edition of nip tuck so that's on friday and it's all about your ics and dilemmas so if you send something in now there is a chance that you're going to be featured have a lovely rest of the day bitches and we'll see you on Friday