Nip Tuck - Small things that annoy us!

Episode Date: March 13, 2024

Lauren tells us about her nightmare weekend that ended literally in dog sh*t.We also chat about the small things in life that really pi** us off!!!!If you want to get in touch with the show then you can find us on Instagram @niptuckpod or you can send us an email to [e-mail] you would like extra episodes each week then you can join our Patreon and be part of our infamous group chat!https://patreon.com/niptuckpodMusic courtesy of BMG Production Music Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Guys, welcome to Nip, Tuck, Not Giving A. Why do you sound like that? Because I'm a show woman. Nip, Tuck, Not Giving A. Roll up. Ed listened to, I made him listen. That's so weird, James listened to last week. I made him listen to the bonus where we were talking about having a dick and he was in stitches. was he no and he was i'm gutted that's a bonus you know a patreon because that is that we were crying basically long story short um for international women's day we did this bonus and it was like what you know if you had a knob for a day a knob a dick whatever you want to call it if you had a willie for a day what would you do with it and some of the things that lauren was saying she would do with it she even said she would put a finger up her bum to feel her prostate

I've thought of something else I'd do. Go on. I would pull my bell end as far as I could and put things in it. So, do you know, like, and then I would squirt them out and I'd, like, hide things in my bell end and I'd go to my girlfriend,

da-da, pull it back. You know, like a ball and stuff. Do you know what? James does really funny stuff like that. Like, I'll be looking for my toothbrush everywhere because he's really, like, we're so silly. And I'll be like, I can't think of anything else. I'll go back into the bedroom

and he's lying there with it in his bum cheeks, like. Oh, my God. Yeah, we really, honestly, if someone could see us, it's weird. yeah so we were talking about all of that and i wish that was a main episode because he was crying so girls if you had a knob for a day what would you do with it yeah tell us tell us because like what we said basically we went through all these mad things that we'd do with our knob and then at the end we were like oh my god that's why men are how they are because

they've got a knob to do all this fun stuff yeah i don't blame them for cheating they've got this willy to do fun stuff with like i would mad on that we are gonna put that out on the main feed aren't we you know because we did yeah we said yeah because it's international women's day we said we were gonna put out a teaser of that page so we will put that bit out on there enjoyed that yeah we did you're looking skinny winnie thank you um i did a cryo shred you did so i went on the cryo every day for a week for three minutes and on my rempo scales i'll show you on my phone my weight's gone really i love it like i had snow on saturday night and i hadn't slept and i woke up in like the worst well i didn't even wake up i was just like still awake oh it's like you've been

on a bender without the fun yeah like awful and you're kind of like dizzy like oh yeah and um i was like drinking coffee and everything and then i was like right ed let's go on the cryo and we both went on and then afterwards just felt like amazing so i've been doing that um i've been injecting nad plus oh yes you've told me about that for ages yeah i take that every other day um and that's really good and then i feel like now i've got to the point like it's not christmas anymore actually i feel like you've just got on with it now like you've hit that point because you were eating sausage rolls and shit weren't you what did i eat this morning she had an almond croissant but you do look slimmer like we'd go for breakfast and you'd be like right i think i'll

get and i'd be looking at you like i know but i know i was still in that you still weren't yeah i wasn't on it you feel like you're sweet like you are now like yeah let's crack on like i've had my fun and i've got two events this weekend and when i was trying stuff on is it not good i was like it didn't feel good and also i'm not going and spending 300 quid on an outfit i'm never gonna wear again because i've lost weight and feeling like shit as well isn't it no i agree so i was like right no come on so we're going out on friday and saturday where are you going on saturday oh it's party yeah it's your friend's party isn't it then friday we're at um it will have been and gone now so but yeah we will have been at harvey nick yes for the international

women's day event i'm excited actually i am which is funny james said he messaged you the other day said we should do something i said let me guess what the reply will be lauren won't want to and he literally don't and i was like i don't she doesn't want to do anything with me i don't do anything with anyone like it's not personal he um on saturday so we're meant to have the kids kind of every other weekend but um anyway i had fear so um my mum had her for one night so that i could get some stuff done and james like why don't we go for a few and i was like no i don't want to i i was like i just looked at my why it's raining why no i don't want to hang over oh i know but do you not like make time to go for dinner just you two yeah for not drink i'm not gonna i don't

want to well in the summer i wouldn't go out for drinks without in the summer i will i've told him that at the minute i am a i am a caterpillar right and i'm having laser okay okay i am doing i've lost weight i'm having late we are heavy on the treatments me and you at the minute like wedding glow up i'm post baby glow yeah so we're both doing the most sorry about that um anxiety from and then i said give me till may i will come out like a butterfly and you've got to do the laser before summer yeah and when it's sunny i'm much more inclined to go for a couple of drinks when it's raining leave me in my house in my pajamas i'm not going out if i look nuts as well on these videos you don't you actually look fine right so do you know that

video you sent me on insta of the woman that had the cool laser under her eyes and she was like it's the best thing i've had and she had like full on scabby mine don't go like yours don't and jade's had hers done i looked at hers and they were full scabs why are you like that exosomes and stem cells on mine straight after and then i've got you know one of those antiage stem cells i'm sure i've got some of those in a roller in a roller i think i've been there they're like so expensive i paid for them as well like do you remember like yeah no you you put it on bugger i wonder where they are very good bugger bugger bugger i think i've been there um so yeah i've had cool laser again on my under eyes so i'm gonna do it i've got my next photo fabulous

is your skin looks gorgeous yours does thanks um is i think on the 10th and then three weeks after that she said i can have cool laser and then i'll go back i'm having bbl and moxie interested in this because i will copy if it's good on my tummy and arms i'm gonna let you do it first because i just it's the time to get to these appointments i'll put it it's in worsley yeah it's fucking no i know but it's near town so you could mix it in with something um but yeah that bbl and moxie i'm having it at sla and i saw it uh basically i'm doing it because abby clancy know that oh my god um the outfit for the brits that girl can do no she did it about natalie kelly just what would you wear black black me too stunning but can i just say abby clancy i'm not abby clancy so i

can't go all out i'm not famous you know i looked because i was looking at it was roberto cavalli the whole outfit and i just think roberto cavalli's leopard print is the most iconic leopard print if you can invest in one piece and do you know what i have quite a bit of the roberto cavalli leopard stuff of course you do go and have a look on ebay because you know i'm i'm a bargain hunter i'm a vinted i'm a bargain hunter go and have a look on ebay there'll be like some silk shirts i feel like leopard is a moment yeah but listen we're not even we're not even at the let's not sitting i think that my invite got lost in the post and what will happen when we do go to the bricks next year yeah we'll smash or we won't and then everyone will be like if any brands want

to send us to the bridge what happens with this the brands send them to the bridge yeah i think you have to there's some places you have to pay for a table don't you yeah is that like the telly awards and stuff like that the brands i think by a table and put influencers and celebs on so basically i think how it works is brands buy an area or a box or a table and then they invite you with them so we could just do with someone inviting us anyone but i feel like your um adhd you wouldn't i couldn't stay i'd be bored i'd be off i'd be in the smoking area i'd be bouncing around i'd be all that and by the end the pictures of me um we were saying when we record the pod like ash can see like towards the very end it starts

upsetting me it starts because i'll sit here and i'll be like ah flower and then that's it i've gone so we've got to get it in if you notice by the end of the episode i've kind of gone yeah that's why i struggled to focus on one thing anyway let me tell you about my fucking weekend i was just about to ask i feel like this is every monday this is what happens we talk about how stressful my weekend has been so first of all this weekend um something quite funny happened and the funniest thing is whenever something happens the first thing i think is tell the podcast people so people listeners um tell the listeners so i went down to staffordshire because i was doing a photo shoot for monreal stalk for monreal bridal who's making my wedding

dress so i went down oh you're a mogul i was a mogul um oh lauren's a mogul well listen i bet you loved every second do you know what i just saw it is what i just thought get in do the job get out like you were very much like that aren't we like i went in got the dress and i was like to the photographer what do you want me to do bang done it next dress i was just like let's are the pictures gorgeous i've not seen them let me show you this though you can see you can look at the um you're so funny trying all the wedding dresses listen people love it because i'm giving them like um you know good ideas look yeah there's me sat on a fucking oh you look beautiful um that dress isn't very it's not me at all but that's not what i was there for yeah so anyway went and

did that but as i'm setting off gave myself plenty of time but i'm not gonna rush um set off and then i looked i don't believe that i swear i gave myself enough time right then as i'm setting off i look at my ad blue and it says you've got 90 miles what is ad blue it's an engine thing that nice cars have i don't think it's not just nice cars more mine doesn't have it no it does um one of your slaves probably fills it up like one of the staff does it um with their little butlers outfit on um so i'm in the car must do because i've never had well my slave was not it was not available to do it so i looked it said 90 miles ad blue's gonna run out and basically when your ad blue runs out your car will not restart that's it done you're fucking finished what so it's like

petrol kind of yeah so i thought fuck i'm gonna have to it's more than 90 miles so i drove to the tesco there is a big thing about this big that you have to pick up full of at 10 liters oh like when you go to the petrol station you see those blue white and clear see-through things yeah yeah yeah you get that then there's a tube and you have to pick it up i couldn't even open my boot where was james james was was getting his wedding suit so i'm facetiming him how do i open my bonnet oh it's always yeah so we open i open the bonnet and then i can't get it in and then for 10 and i'm thinking i'm gonna be late and i'm holding it right for about 10 minutes and my arms shaking like a shitting dog trying to hold it and then i'm like this and everyone's driving past

and then i'll let it go not anything had come out of it because i've not turned it on i've not turned the cap so then i did it again anyway i feel it yeah so i set off now sometimes when you set off the the thing takes a bit longer to register doesn't it yeah so it still said 90 miles i thought well that's a lie you're fucking lying i'm going to stoke i would have thought that exact la la la sometimes when you fill your car up with petrol it takes like 10 minutes to register yeah anyway i got to stoke got out i'm here for my photo shoot did it got back in turned it on four miles until no restart i thought oh that's funny it should have registered by now so then i realized if i let my engine turn off now it isn't turning back on and it's now half five and

i'm in stoke and i need to get fear from my mums and it's an hour and 40 minutes and i can't stop my car and i'd already turned it on so petrol station petrol station because if i'd have turned it off i knew something was wrong because i'd already put 10 liters in it wasn't working if i'd stopped at petrol station i would have not set off again i had to carry on i couldn't stop so set off and i'm thinking i can't stop till bake up which is which is an hour until rochdale you can't stop till rochdale and then as i'm driving i'm thinking i've got on stop start so do you know when you pull up at the traffic lights it stops and starts again oh so it turns off i'm thinking i can't stop at a traffic light so i'm i'm amber and flying through the ambers

oh my god you're gonna have so many tickets right so then as i should have got on the hard shoulder i'm sat and i'm driving and i'm trying to work out how to turn off on start and i'm anyway ringing james he's googling it anyway turned it off so why is my life like this by the way i've done four hours of taking pictures i was full oh my god how tiring is that i give you models model i know my back and you feel awful my stomach was hurting from breathing in my makeup was crusted oh so i'm going i'm going i'm going and i make it to lizzie's house fine i've made it i thought it'll be fine her mum's house my mum i thought it'd be fine go and get fear it's now six o'clock i am tired i get fear out in her pajamas getting thick oh no no no

no so i'm ringing my friend's boyfriend karen my car won't start i'm ringing james james turns up i get another thing of ad blue in my mum's car i spill it all over but it's just not great do you know i kept well i did so i'm going i'm tired i'm so tired so james picked me up i had to leave my car at my mum's i was like what can i do it's like the katie price thing when she goes like and then my dog ate this yeah literally and then i came on my period honestly right listen to this though so thea's gone back inside at this point anyway puts her trains on comes running out we're getting james's truck we're just about to set off and i went if you farted because i'm in a mood i don't want to smell that and he went no i've not farted and i was like

well it's normally you and then i went it's like your breath and he's like and he went how can you say that to me when yours just stinks i was like it's your breath right next thing no wait next thing right he goes what and i'm in a mood and we're just about to roll off my mum's curb right and he goes she's studying shit fear studying dog shit she's listen climbed over me

to get in the back there is dog shit down my jeans she goes like this picks it up the biggest oh my god I'm studying dog shit

oh that's disgusting put that down so I'm trying to show Ashley this and there's poo on mine who's dog shit well not mine I haven't got one anyway so then james is like and i went like this and that dog shits i went like this

in the car and he just looked at me there was shit down my leg there was shit on the gear stick where she's climbed over there was shit everywhere so i'll go back to my mum's knock on the door again she goes i can hear her in the living room what now because you know when you keep knocking on their own they keep locking it and you have to keep going back she's like what now and i went there's shit everywhere so i went in with her trainers i went i can't i can't she went lauren put them outside i'll deal with it in the morning i said i can't she said take your jeans off i was like oh shit i'm tired so i took my jeans off she gave me some joggers james comes in with the wipes bless him he's never never always calm i'll wipe it up darling and then we sat there in the

car all the way home like this and i was traumatized so then this morning my mum had to come and pick me up god bless her what would we do without our mums she's given me her car she's getting a taxi home and i have had to drive a manual down the motorway all the way down the motorway a friend rings me to tell me that she's found out something horrific about a boyfriend and i'm down the motorway and he's just messaged me saying basically your car's quite fucked i've got no car honestly so yeah range rovers are not great are they so then listen to this for quite funny what alex a guy i know it's really funny messages me and he's like range rover i was like yeah and he was like those cars you are so toxic it's like a toxic boyfriend like they look so good

yeah and you love them but they do you fucking dirty but you go back every time it's like a scally land no one hits like that um the window wipers are just stuck in the middle of the window honestly and but you keep going back and you know they're gonna do you dirty but nothing hits like them yeah so yeah that's uh that's my story how's your weekend been um well i went for lunch i had a crow it's been lovely actually your teeth look so nice and white do they also my teeth are so sensitive it's awful are you over it now yeah i've not got my my i can't believe how long that's lasted my own my actual teeth things aren't going in until there's something in april and then will they stop it hurting yeah it's because these are temporary so my teeth are sore behind my teeth

my teeth are sore um right talking of irritation okay me and christina were talking about small things that get on our tits yeah right me yeah you are do you i'm a small and yeah you annoy me yeah i love you though i do love you and also at least we can when we're annoying each other say how it is there's no bitching behind oh my god listen what what you're gonna laugh the other day we were talking and i was in the hairdressers and i was in a mood and you were probably in a mood and we were talking to christine we're trying to plan something and you were like weekend's best for us and i voiced it like actually oh i was so pissed off and she sent a voice and she went okay lauren sorry that it's not right for you no this is why she annoys

me so much because i just get on with it christina it was a bit snappy from both of you that was the first time i felt like it was a little bit snappy from both because i just get on with it and if something comes up i think right i'll pay someone to help i don't have people yeah i know you fucking don't so then you check yourself after don't you yeah but it's just i thought you know what i'm not even replying to that but it's really funny she was like okay lauren but we're together all the time we work together we do and i've got shit on my shoe you have got shit on your shoe right okay so small things that get on our tits i know your big one airport lines okay there is nothing in this world more frustrating to me than when you go to get your luggage right guys in case

anyone is not clever there is a yellow line around it what that means is stand behind now when that was invented there wasn't a man that was like do you know what i'd look really cool like a yellow yellow line around it and make it really pop and it just looks so good it's there for a reason and is that you can look and see your luggage then you step forward to collect to collect your piece of luggage and then what you do is you step back and leave and men should help and men should help we should all help alice and i would always help yeah yeah and your kids don't need to stand next Kids don't need to be there. No, no, no.

Because they'll just get twatted. Yes, and then you get in trouble for twatting a kid. And you don't need to stand near them with your trolley. No. Your trolley and kids can be at the back. So, when you then look for yours, what everyone does is stands as close to the conveyor as possible. Now, that means that nobody, none of us,

can see our bags coming round. Whereas if we all took a step back, one by one we would get our bags. But no, no. Everybody, especially off a flight from Dubai, is right in the middle and you move and i always always say you have arguments i have arguments i say there's a line step behind it or i'll go like this to my mum well if everyone was stood behind the yellow line this wouldn't be an issue airport security as well what which people should have

their liquids ready to go in the clear bag they should have their straighteners out yeah and they should be ready to go off we go it's always the old the old people and they go you're really stressed and they go okay you can't bring a carton of milk but but gerald needs his milk for his coffee and if they've got a pint two pints of fucking milk in the bag like you can't do that i can't i can't bring the shampoo no eileen oh nothing to declare when they're coming through like birds nests yeah you can't bring a live bird with five eggs in a nest and it doesn't say that on the i can't bring my worms when people don't realize you can't bring you can't bring salami no it says no meat that's really irritating has anyone ever seen at the airport by the way

anyone getting like stopped for having something really bad in their back like well it's going through i wish i had maybe like they're not as high tech as we think well what would you take through a bird's nest like i don't know well they're good at catching them is um aldi yes now now now there is a lady at rotten stall aldi she wears gloves gloves if they wear gym gloves they mean fucking what gym gloves without the fingers yeah yeah if you get one of those you're for the fucking trouble and do you know what they do so sometimes they get hard on it they love it yeah sometimes you'll be at aldi and you've got a basket maybe or you've got and you think you know i'll just pack as i go straight away they think oh you will will you you pack as you go

let's see and they throw it at you and you are trying to because the whole concept of aldi is that you have to put it all in the trolley and then move the trolley to the bit near the window and then you pack it in the window i've never done that oh i do because i'm scared oh i don't get gloves you know you know and you can see them on the little thing and they go watch this one and you are literally trying to grab everything and then you're putting it all in that really annoys me yeah i mean i get it let's do it fast you know don't take the piss do you know what pisses me off though recently i've been in like waitrose and m&s no no you don't expect that kind of treatment they started getting a bit like that in there no that's cocky

yeah that's not fair right i'm paying above and beyond you will slowly give me time you will help me pack my bag at the i've never shopped in waitrose in my life at waitrose in nutsford oh god at waitrose in nutsford they have actually got rid of the middle what's it called conveyor belt thing and replaced it with all self checkout they've done so i now refuse to go in waitrose knutsford because there's never any twat on the till yeah and i'm not checking out my own shit if i'm paying so much money for premium food yeah like you know no i want to be i want you to cook it yeah how bad is that if i'm paying double you can get i will give you my shopping list go and get it and cook it to be fair i did go in sainsbury's the other day and the lady was like

do you want any help with your packing and i thought yeah i do actually but no yeah i always make a joke when i'm not very good at packing when i do it to find the whole thing that's something that i find really uncomfortable packing do you know what it's very awkward and embarrassing and no filling your car up with petrol do you do that i feel like a slag i don't know why when i'm doing it do you know what i mean i feel like it's the way you pull out the lever yeah i feel like right like i shouldn't do that click it in with force and it goes like this like and you shove it in like yeah yeah no i get that i get that and especially if you're in night out clothes i feel like right and then you walk in

you walk in and walk down in the bright lights down the middle like clunk clunk clunk and the woman's looking at you like hi i'll pay and you feel like you're on your way to a job don't you oh no it's really annoying um another one that we discussed as well is loud people on trains you don't get the train that often me and Christina do well this is what happened to me on Friday is you know what it is it's just trains in general you get on the train and you know you just want to relax say you want to have a standard premium no I'm in economy like the rest of the you know when we go to London next week we're not going in economy I'm a normal person what's the difference well you want to see her she's you have to sit on casino carpet chairs

well anyway a normal person gets a normal train and you just want it like there's jeopardy anyway of where you're gonna sit if you want you know you've got a good seat and you want to see if someone's gonna get sit next to you and all this you can't relax okay next week because we'll be able to get a table yeah okay but any normal person and then it's like when people are hovering coming on with their bags and they're going in pies on trains oh yeah people eating crisps and oh do you know what another one you need to throw in there small talk small no no no don't talk to me we i was talking to james's mum about this and i am so on people think i'm really sociable because i'm i'm not i don't want to talk to you i and i mean this in the nicest possible way

i don't care about your life when you've got a baby with you it's a big thing and i don't expect you to care about mine now on holiday there are these people that will be in the pool my mum is one of them they talk to each other and they talk and they say so where are you from i don't care where i don't want to be friends i don't care what country you're from i don't what do you do at home i don't care what job you've got and i don't want to tell you mine i don't want to speak to you so my mum always finds friends she goes to the gym like every day all the time bless her on holiday she will go to the gym give it two days she's made a friend she makes a gym friend whereas if i'm in the gym don't even and if you make eye contact i don't i don't i have got enough friends i've got

enough to do i don't care about dawn from skelmsdale i don't care what you do i don't care how much you paid for your holiday or where you've been this year that's a big one isn't it how much did you found the hotel i don't care because it makes no difference to my life if you enjoyed your holiday and what you paid yeah stay in your own lane and only talk if necessary is i think that's fair um but yeah trains and planes when people let their kids listen to their ipads without headphones yeah that's annoying i always make me right i'm just gonna i'm gonna throw it in there kids as well and i get it i get it kids yes kids and and i'm back to the airport thing i'm gonna say it people this won't be popular the fucking trunkies yeah i don't understand them

why would you give your child um control yes over a luggage piece no i put them all in buggies because you get through quicker and then you can hang all your shit on the buggy you got you put your jacket on there you put one of your bags on there you put something on your car one of us each has a buggy and we yeah absolutely agree my child is not having control over scooters are you this is not formula one we're not racing around here we're going on holiday get your stuff and get on you can't take a tooth comb on an airplane but you can take a scooter i can't have i've got a sport a whole picture i've got a fucking micro scooter you could kill someone with a micro scooter my ankles were black and blue when i was using mine

you could kill someone with a trunkie one bang to the head they're gone they're heavy you have a lot of coloring but in fact you can gouge an eye out with that but i have to have a spoon that's made out of to eat my curry as i'm eating it the spoon completely goes mosh in my mouth and disintegrate you can have a load of pencils to gouge an eye out with should you choose if the mood takes you on the plane no i'm not that if maureen's annoying you gouge your eyes out and hit her over the head with a trunkie right guys we're gonna have a little break now but we will be back with a listener email guys over on patreon this week we are going to be talking about your dating disasters and oh baby have we got some absolute shockers i would say head over