Nip Tuck - Sun, Sea & Shagging

Episode Date: August 31, 2022

Girls, Lauren's finally giving us more goss about her new fella and what they got up to on their first holiday together. We're talking about all this tricky first hols issues us girls face, like what do you do when you need a big p**?Ashley's fella had a total disaster on his LADS holiday and the story is just as big as the watch he stupidly took with him.And we want to tell you all the AMAZING prizes you can win that us girls have sorted for you. To get involved with the show, you can send us a DM. We’re on Instagram and TikTok, find us @niptuckpod.Or you can email [e-mail] GDPR privacy policy was updated on August 8, 2022. Visit acast.com/privacy for more information. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

hi guys it is wednesday your favorite day and it's time for your favorite podcast welcome to nip tuck and not giving a fuck it's ashley and lauren and here we go getting your week off the right way it's hump day isn't it hump and everyone loves a fucking hump do you know why it's called hump day because of a camel in the middle obviously yeah so on nip tuck we want you to get your voice heard you can send us a dm we're on instagram we're on tiktok we're not on tiktok yet when are we gonna be we are why have we not put our tiktok account anywhere then for people to follow we have just let me read this shut the fuck up find us at nip tuck pod or alternatively you can email us hello at nip tuck pod.com we want to know what's been getting on your tits

what's giving you the ick and any other bits your questions your embarrassing sex stories basically we don't give a fuck so we're back in surgery baby we're back baby life updates bitch what have you been up to i've been gaining weight at a rapid speed i want to talk about this because it's actually irritating me okay so this is what's irritating me at the minute is it because you're in love so i feel like because i'm happy i've gained weight now what really annoys me is i must be really sad then you're thin and sad and i'm fat and happy what really annoys me is this okay so i've gained quite a lot of weight for me a stone and a half two stone on my frame that's a lot but nobody makes you wait i don't want to talk about that

unless you are obese no one takes you fucking seriously right so i will say oh god i feel a bit i feel a bit big i feel like i put weight on and people go oh my god what do you mean there's nothing the best sign is well if you think you're fat what am i i'm not saying i'm fat i'm saying i have gained weight i'm not lying go in my knicker drawer we all have a goal yeah yeah go in my knicker drawer and watch me put my knickers on i think literally my knickers are too small okay they're too small people like you've not gained anything tell my vagina that because it's blue i've cut the circulation off to my vagina i've put that much weight on i've got necrosis of the fanny my knickers are that tight and i'm not lying that i can't feel my vagina anymore and

then people are like well you're tiny just get bigger size jeans are always a good indicator and they go just get bigger size clothes no i'm like darling the cost at the minute of living is that high i can't afford to buy new underwear because i've got a fucking carb addiction like it's annoying me can you tell at my rate about this you know what i like i get the whole posi positivity movement i absolutely love that and i think whatever size you want to be exactly and you know what if you're okay with being whatever size that's fine but personally for me i do have that you have a happy weight on the scale or even a happy size you look in the mirror and you think i don't like myself this way and it really annoys me that somebody can be like oh

shut up i wish i didn't give a fuck i wish i didn't give a fuck but like people say you've not gained anything honestly my knickers are so tight that i had to take them off and go commando the other day because i couldn't i couldn't film off we saw that i've been uh never have i seen a more embarrassing video than ashley stobart at the gym it was legit like a p a prime it was like a comedy sketch it was like primary school sports day it's like a little thing jumping around she wasn't even doing it properly in between each one she was like and then going again and then standing up i've never seen anything like it what has made you decide i wear a p kit oh my god that is you pumps and the long shorts with the skinny little legs hanging out the bottom

honestly what's made you decide that you want to be strong that skinny do you remember school sorry when you used to forget your pk you do it in your knickers what the fuck like you do do you remember you'd be like fuck you mum in your little vest

in your plastic knickers and you'd be running up and down or you'd get a baruca or you'd have to go in the spare kit and you'd have like

some massive one and it'd stink and you'd be running round with someone's massive thing on just to be in my knickers oh my god that's so funny

peeing in your knickers they wouldn't do that now would they definitely not so as she's been going to the gym yep what else

do you know what Lauren leave me alone Good on you, sweetheart. No, I'm joking. I'm not good. I've clearly not been going to the gym. I'm really bad. And my diet is spot on, but my gyming is not good.

I'm the opposite. So I used to be, well, the minute I do nothing, hence my underwear. No. But I used to be like really, really good. With the gym, eating is, the whole thing's a struggle for me right now. So yeah, I'm going to clean up my diet. I'm going to try really hard now to eat better. At least your protein intake's high.

My protein intake has been quite high at the minute. I've got a boyfriend. Okay. You've not said. Have I not mentioned him? You've not shown us any photos of him. Oh my God, this morning I was just like, well, look at him.

Yes, I have. We've just been on our first holiday as well. Right, guys, everyone. Lauren's got a boyfriend! Snacks! And then we'll all cry with me when it goes terribly wrong. No, it won't, it won't. It's not going to this time.

i've not met him yet you haven't and i don't think you need to you what if you what if you fancies you that won't happen so i've literally just been on holiday with him which i feel like is quite a um it's a big move when yeah as a new relationship to go on holiday you've got a lot of things to think about here poo poo is a big thing when you first go on holiday farting and pooing Who knows where you poo on holiday. It's when you're round the pool and you go, I've left something in the room. Rah!

Release the hounds. Release the hounds! That is a holiday poo. Or you go down to... The lobby. The lobby and you go in the lobby one and poo. Everyone walks in and there's some bitches hanging around the hotel lobby toilet like...

And then they're all running in. There's always one in the toilet at the end the really pretty girl comes out like or the worst is when you get constipated on holiday because you've held it

in for so long and then you have to wear a bikini and look sexy in front of them and then you don't want to like and you've got a belly

full of poo yeah it's a tough one you know and the funny thing is I think we've had a lot of messages recently

holiday related I think it's time of year isn't it loads of people keep getting dicky tummies on holiday I didn't get a dicky tummy

any poos I did one in the middle of the night I never poo in the night that's so weird No, because that was my time slot. It's like an alarm, go poo. So that was one, and I did one in the hotel lobby

and one at a restaurant. I think safest option is defo hotel lobby because I've got friends that have done the, I've left something in the room. No, no, no, because they think, I'll come up for a quickie. Shag, yeah, yeah, shit. And then it all goes terribly, terribly wrong because they come in and you're, ah, ah.

And you're like, trying to pull it back up your bottom. We did try to go to the room for a shag one day and we were getting all like frisky in the lift and we were like, ooh, like this. And then we got to the room and we ran down the corridor like this. And he had a little boner. And we ran to the room and the maid was in it

and we both went, ah. And then he turned around and he had to walk back down with a semi. So yeah, that didn't work out very well for us. Well, Lauren was at my house when something happened. So on the last series, I think I was pregnant when I talked about this

wasn't I I said Edge just booked a stag do when the baby's 20 days old yes and the stag do happened

so we didn't record for like ages did we and I had the baby you did have a baby

then it came round very quickly and at the time Lauren was like you're gonna go fucking mad at him yeah

and I was like I'm really cool about it she was like I'm not arsed about it like whatever and I was like wow I turned into a psychopath

that weekend I literally like i just i blocked him i wouldn't speak to him isn't it funny when you block and then unblock and then block again then unblock and they're just like i think he was just like texting me like what have i done wrong what have i done yeah i miss you i love you and i was like oh my god oh this is a weird feeling but it's probably because it was hormonal anyway then lauren's coming around to do some work and that morning um the day before i had a phone call off him I really need to speak to you

so I'm in the hairdresser pick the phone up Ashley my watch got stolen last night you fucking you useless piece of fucking shit

but I must say when he was leaving the house he had that big stonk off watch on and I said to him take that off darling take that off

who the fuck well we know what he was trying to he was trying to show off to girls he was trying to show off because that's what they do what beach clubs did he go to oh definitely not ocean beach imagine yeah i think he didn't yes

i bet that's where he got robbed near there no yes so anyway he was there like this stupid fucking watch i was like take it off just leave it at him you don't need a watch but obviously you know he wants all the girls to come over to him with his watch on with his magnetic and i literally said those words to him as he was walking out anyway so then i was like but i was a bit like so i didn't know what to do and luckily mummy had got the premium home insurance of course mummy had so anyway i was like listen fucking idiot yeah gave him and actually what a cow that is so nasty that's so nasty i should have just said to him like oh my first word should have been are you okay yeah and instead he's like you silly bastard

and really like he got robbed it's not nice then when i told lauren the story of how he got robbed me and her like it was a really serious conversation because she was like are you okay like and i was like well this is what happened right i'm gonna repeat this story so by the way a prostitute probably robbed him in his bedroom this didn't happen this is probably just like this is the story that we were told this is the story that came to us right okay so supposedly he he was getting in a taxi and as you pull the taxi door open it's like a standard thing a little kid came and swiped the watch of course his wrist yeah bear in mind my husband's like six foot four but a little child a child i've got the child ash had the ick so bad anyway he ran

after the child what an idiot you've got a 20 day old baby at him and he ran out for the child He ran after the child. Then he said that other men started popping out of bushes. And they were like, are you okay, sir? Are you okay? Like, it was a full-on set-up con. And the man behind him, the same thing also happened to him. And he said he was a big, fat Brit Sontor.

And this man was like, whoosh, like, came round the corner, arse over tit, like, rolling round. And then Ed's like, and, like, these men are running out in front of him. And they're, like, popping out of his bushes. It's like some kind of, like a comedy sketch or like a game show, like a game thing. Ed nearly got the guy. Of course he did.

He got purpose-free. And then I was like to him, what? Can you imagine him like this? I know, that's right. I was like, well, you should have just left the fucking watch. Anyway, the other, the Brit on tour man ended up getting battered by the police in the end And after having his watch stolen.

What a set of embarrassing bastards. So anyway, so then I was like, oh, I got the ick. I was like to Lauren. The pepper spray gave her the ick so bad. Imagining his little red face like, oh, my eyes, my eyes. And then me and Lauren were laughing. So Lauren was round at my house the day he arrived home with his tail in between his like. And no watch on his wrist.

And we were both like, we kept like just sitting there pissing ourselves about this story. And Lauren's impression of like, she was like, I bet he went out that night though. and he was telling all the girls his story. Yeah, so we had this idea that he'd probably, literally, that's what the truth is, but what he'd be doing is he'd be going, oh, you're not going to believe this, my watch got stolen last night.

I mean, we gave them a bloody good run for the money. We bloody well did. Jacob jumped out and he only gave them a bish-bosh round the head. And then we were all fucking going for it. We could have had them all. We were doffing them up. We were really giving them a good, a hard, stern scene to.

And then I ran, I jumped over a bloody wall. I didn't fall I jumped over the second wall and then Henry runs behind me he boshes him over the head and then we ran for it but somehow at this point I got the pepper spray

out of his hand and I bloody sprayed him back honestly the tail but at some point the watch it went still so we were I mean we're fine

you can imagine all of them like adding bits into the story Dave I saw you did you see me when you ran I saw I saw that

and I got him and I gave him my right left hook these big these posh boys that have never and they actually

got pepper sprayed and I bet you the story was literally and Timmy Timmy only kicked him in the bloody dick I honestly we cried

when I say we cried we were crying I've been telling you we cried it was a very fucked up situation because it was like it was funny

I had the ick and I was really sad for him yeah you felt really sorry for him as well so all my emotions one minute were being dragged from here

to there and then you came home and I was like I'm gonna go now yeah Lauren was like i was like to her don't yeah she's like don't go and i went out and as i walked past him i kind of gave him this look as if to say oh i'm sorry you're really in for it today and then i went like this

with my watch as i went past but yeah loads of people are getting their watches robbed at the minute it's really bad you need to be careful i mean you wear yours every holiday yeah because i want to show off i'm i'm that guy i'm the guy that wants to get the girls at ocean beach and And I'd get the bottles and wave my watch around. Oh, God. So, obviously, that's my favourite story, but we actually had another really, really funny story. Holiday related.

Holiday related. So, I mean, it's funny, but it's fucking terrible. You've got the voice note, haven't you? Yes. Right, listen to this. So, I went on holiday with my boyfriend of two years, had a beautiful time. On the last day, I go onto my own Snapchat,

so I didn't even go on his phone, and on the people you may know it had my boyfriend's name and I thought that's weird because I already have my boyfriend on snapchat and he has a very distinctive name so I went on it and I was like this is really weird decided something wasn't right long story short I hacked into it the dirty bastard's password was his mother's name he had hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of girls who he was talking to paying for to see um like the dirtiest stuff you've ever seen in your life so i proceeded to confront him he swore blind on his kids lives that he didn't know what it was um then he came clean and then i changed the locks on our apartment when we got

back moved all this stuff into his car and never saw him again now the next bit that she says also is it was a skiing holiday and they were staying in this amazing... And she found all this information out during the skiing holiday? She was sat in the spa and she said she had to contain everything but she screenshot everything

and sent it to him. Yeah, you can't let your emotions take over. You've got to get the evidence fast. So, family holiday. Whose family? Hers. She went straight to her dad. And grasped him up.

Her dad's a big, scary lawyer man. so then um she said that she also lost his passport oh wow and then left and left and changed the apartment locks i don't fucking blame her i don't wow i don't even know what to say men are disgusting vile oh my god oh my god i need to tell you something what i love it when she does this because this is so genuine i don't know what she's gonna say no no no no no right okay okay so my sister's been speaking to this guy on hinge and he's actually he's fit yeah like fit like genuine yeah so they like my boyfriend sorry hey hey did you know um so anyway so my sister's speaking to this guy on hinge going really really well they set a date up for like thursday just gone yeah

in manchester um so instagram's gone back onto chronological order yay catch the dicks out dicks um okay and she was like i'm just gonna go for a little snoop not even a snoop just just to know what she's working with anyway was following loads of only fans girls but okay we're fine with the only fans girls thing whatever well the new thing is though that the only fans girls follow the guys back because they realize it's their way of getting more money off them so they They're already dealing with them on OnlyFans and they're not on Instagram. So that was one thing and she was a bit like...

Yeah, the red flag, Amber. But also, the other thing is, he has a fetish of porn stars that do vans up and travel round in the van. What's vans up? Do vans up. Sorry, I thought you meant vans up. I thought it was like a sex move.

They do camper vans up. What's this got to do with sex? so there was like three very niche types so he's got a van fetish what what's that got to do with sex but would you want to go i don't get it he shags in vans oh my god lauren no he's got only van fetish he's not openly admitted this but we can tell off who he's following i thought But you said something about porn stars that shag in vans. Yes! Oh, my God, Lauren.

I can't. I don't understand it. He's got a renovation problem. He likes to renovate vans. He doesn't. With his dick out. He likes watching the women... Naked women renovating vans.

Renovate the vans. What? So my... What? Yes. Let me see if I can show you. Did he shag while they're painting? I don't get it.

Well, I said... Look at the upholster. Yeah, that's what they do. Like, sexy pictures of them, like, painting the van. and like they travel out and take pictures in like the field and blah, blah, blah.

What the fuck is this? So I spoke to Ed about it because we were like, we love a boy perspective, don't we? Yeah. And look, she put Van Shaggers

on my case and he's texting me. Van Shaggers. Right. So. What? Basically, this is what,

right, look, so these are the girls. Okay. These are the girls. So look, that one's one. Yeah.

It's a thing. I have never. The girls that travel, the vans thing. Look! Right, so this guy has got this... I have never seen this. Full on. They renovate vans in a sexy way.

But then I spoke to Ed and he said... Do you want to renovate a van? There's a taxi thing, there's a van thing, there's a truck thing. And it's the new... So anyway, she said he was really fit. And then she was like, listen, like, I tried talking it on.

And I was like, just give him a chance. Have a wine and ask him straight to the face. Oh, sorry, I'm really busy this week. I'm renovating my van. Woo! Woo, baby! Boner! And she was like, no, I just can't go on a date with him.

Fair enough. Just got the ick from the van thing. Does anyone else know of any really odd preferences like this? If so, send them in because I've never... It's a niche market. Should we... Has Eddie got any spare trucks? I could be a trucker with a burger and my fanny out.

No, I could make some money. I don't need this podcast anymore. I don't need the podcast. I'm going to go and renovate. So what, would you go on the date still? No. No, I don't think I would. I'll tell you why.

Because I feel like I could never live up to what he wants unless I was renovating naked. So I would start, you know what I'm like, I'd start moulding into that person. So all of a sudden I'd be like, I'm just going to do a spot of painting in my bedroom and I'd be there with my arsehole out bent over like, because I'd try and turn him on and we'd just,

no, it'd be a no from me. Okay, guys, we're going to take a quick break while Lauren goes to the bathroom. um and i've got an amazing competition to talk about when you return welcome back now we love getting answers to your questions so this part of the podcast is all about answering questions from you from us and anyone else to each other this is about the questions that you guys need answers to but first of all let me tell you about a competition that we've launched on our instagram so you guys are going to want to win

the prizes that we've got for you three bottles of edison vodka a dr cansella skincare bundle worth over £100, two pyjama sets from Queen's Park Sleepwear for you and your bestie, a beautiful necklace from Say It With Diamonds worth over £150 and £100 worth of Selfridges vouchers to round it all off. All you guys have to do to enter is tag a friend on our post and make sure that you both follow at Nip Tuck Pod and the Instagram pages of the brands who are giving these amazing prizes away entries close on the 18th of september at midnight and we will announce the winner on the 21st of september episode of our podcast full terms and conditions are in the caption so we've got something that we're going to discuss today um it's a bit of a debate really because i think

it's becoming a lot more common this debate i agree um it's becoming more common for people not to do it i think so the thing that we've been talking about is sharing kids on social media you've never shared your children on social media i know i did used to ask you when she was a baby did you and then i stopped then you stopped did you stop when you split up with a dad yeah right um and i think that sometimes is because if you don't want them to then you also have to and it has to be like a full thing when no one does no one does no one does but yeah well you asked no want to so i think i as everyone knows i'm absolute opposite i rinse my kid to the high heavens and show her everywhere all day everyday story feet dress her up like a little me and

she's everywhere yeah we're so opposite on this one aren't we i keep getting messages off people saying i've taken the decision to stop showing them really yeah and also i just think that now kids are like so say your child was seven or eight when instagram first came out now they've probably got their own instagram yeah and i just don't think it's right okay but why so what makes you think like so you at the moment forget how old they are as in when they're older now as babies and young kids why don't you want them on there what is your reason if you've got an open page absolutely not it's not right

why because people are fucking weird and on that website people talk about the kids and I just think if you don't show them you give them nothing

you give them no ammo you've always done this and they still talk about you and your kids I know but then they just don't know what they look like

some of our friends their kids get slagged off like for how they look and like that really is disgusting and weird don't look like

no we don't and who's going to slag my kid off for how they look the Burberry the Burberry listen to this so I got a troll

that messaged me and said I don't know if it was meant to go to a friend actually and it said oh my god look at her squeezing a kid into the Burberry outfit

just because it's Burberry and it's too small and do you know what she was right she was right it was too small I do that with them sometimes I'm sorry but

you've got to get the wear they're fucking expensive and I needed to get my wear out of it and yeah I put her in and she had a little belly hanging out like

like that on all the pictures and I was laughing to myself because I was like absolutely i fucking got and she will wear that until she is 16 and then i'll sell it but i mean yeah i don't care though like whatever i'm the same i think me and you are so good like we've got such differing opinions but we would never force our opinion on each other don't show you and we're like as long as you're not hurting kids or animals we don't care no don't know so it's like that's my opinion that's yours mine i show thea because i am so fucking proud of her and i

just think she's fucking hilarious and i just she's really funny and i want to share that with people and she's such a huge part of my life that i feel like if i'm letting people into my life that is a massive chunk of it some really bad stuff though happens with the kids like i bumped into our friend um charlotte dawson at an event recently i told you what she said that was terrible she did a did a reel about it like didn't she did a live and spoke about it and people had trolled her to the point where they had actually

rung social services she said it on her profile to report her she is an amazing mum and that is fucking bullshit however I still think if she didn't

just because she doesn't if she didn't show her child it would still happen do you not think? you still get trolled about the kids and you don't show the faces you still get said

people say and she's never with a child and you don't show them I can understand it from a privacy point of view but I've got fuck all that anyone would want to steal and if you stole fear

they'd give it back so two things happen to me that like honestly i'm so fucking done with unsolicited opinions and advice when you've just had a baby yeah stay away from me with them so um one person i put a picture up of his nursery bag and this girl that i knew who's like proper like earth mom yeah she messaged me like me he's still so little and young are you not nervous of him going to nursery what yes oh fuck off like as if she was like actually concerned as if she was concerned but really what she was saying is this as if you send them to nursery that young you fucking horrible

mom yeah that i'm over that stop giving advice like this a girl that i went to school with i was like doing like stories i was at my friend's house ed had the kids and she went how come um who has your kids all the time wow like how do you get to go out all the time by the way this chat hang on a minute someone's done this to me and they messaged me saying how do you manage the time to to go out or something like that and i was like why would you ever vocalize yeah what a loaded question that is that's it's a loaded question and what it means is it's a passive aggressive loaded shit sandwich a big shit sandwich in your fucking fat gob but you know what we need to respond to the shit sandwiches now going none of your fucking business none of

your business fuck off fuck off why don't we why don't we start saying that i dare you to write to every person none of your business fuck off go shag your dad dare you okay guys so remember on nip tuck we want you to get your voices heard so you can send us a dm we're on instagram and tiktok find us at niptuckpod or alternatively you can email us hello at niptuckpod.com now every friday we're also back with a bonus episode it's all about you your ick pics dilemmas so send something in now and you never know you might get to hear it on friday's episode thank you so much for listening guys thank you guys don't forget to rate us on our podcast page Only if you're going to do five, otherwise don't fucking bother.

On Spotify or on Apple, we've got over 1,000 votes now on there. Is it votes? Reviews? No, reviews. So thank you guys so much. Thank you. And we will be back soon.