Nip Tuck - Tampomeranian

Episode Date: February 22, 2023

The girls are squabbling as Ashley is still feeling unwell and Lauren's up to her neck in kids as it's half term. Ashley shares her advice on freezing embryo's plus some top safety tips for parents with young kids and Lauren's getting to grips with her new brace.To get involved with the show, you can send us a DM on Instagram and TikTok, find us @niptuckpod.Or you can email [e-mail] can also send us your Icks & Dilemma's via WhatsApp! You can text or voice note the girls on [phone] Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

hello and welcome to nip talk not giving a fuck fuck ash is just sniveling sniffling little brat i am so ill shut up you sounded like paris hilton then i am so ill this is the podcast where we celebrate yeah anyway this is a podcast where we celebrate being positive aspirational women and this is all about being unapologetically yourself you miserable cow so ill on nip tuck we want to get your voice heard you can email us at hello at nip tuck pod.com you can also get in touch via whatsapp so that means voice notes too and we'll play them out in future episodes don't worry if you want to remain anonymous we will never reveal who you are simply head to this episode's description for more information and we want

to know what's getting on your tits what's giving you the ick any big questions that you've got for us any dilemmas of course all your embarrassing stories basically we don't give a fuck we don't give a fuck and we are back in surgery ash wait guys oh my god she's so foul today um do you know what i feel like i should have bought a red bull is that what you need yeah she's really like lethargic and sniffly and snotty i am never ill what you are always ill i'm not i feel like you think i've been ill because i've had that surgery and now i'm always ill lucas she's ill a lot isn't she she's always i only had a baby nine months ago good for you yeah but then they go to nursery and then you get ill you're always ill anyway yeah because yours was hanging off your

tit till it was one. My brother is always ill because of kids and nurses. Yeah. Well, I'm not, so whatever. I have got a very good immune system. Don't get me started

on washing the hands. Isn't it funny how Ash is always ill? When have I... Does any of you, Lucas, Ash, remember me being ill ever?

Yeah. When? Loads of times. I am never ill. I'm not. Now and again, I'll be a little bit ill because...

Maybe it's because I don't have anything to really wake up for in the morning. Oh, Christ. this is wow this is deep do you mean like are you okay yeah also she said earlier have i ever considered euthanizing myself are you all right i'm fine darling you've got two lovely children you've got a good husband i think what you meant is no like i mean if i was like because when i

used to have shit to do i'd be like i have no time to be ill whereas i feel like when you're living that slow slow pace yeah you can be ill and it's like yeah I agree I'm glad that you admit this you can be like

oh I'm poorly and everyone can go round you but Ed is actually ill as well when I'm ill it's tough it's tough fucking shit I've got to get on with it

I used to be like that and what happened? just don't do anything married Ed what? hmm how do I do this? anyway

Ash is always ill so she tells you all these vitamins supplements take them all absolutely by all means you'll probably get pregnant but you will also get ill because do what i say pick food up off the floor and eat it

10 second rule and you will never be ill well there we go there we go there's my advice for this episode now wake up i okay i'm in the room guys i'm here for two hours and i'm gonna smash it okay thank you thank you thank you right what are you up to other than being ill so i saw on your story you're getting your eggs what you do what are you doing with your eggs mate right so Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry. I had to. Oh, my God. Why is a chicken called a chicken?

There's not a tablet for that. Oh, my God. So, I was going to freeze some embryos after I had that miscarriage because they were, like, your, like, clinically infertile, honestly. I remember that. It was really, really bad. So, basically, girls don't listen.

When they tell you you're AMH level, I personally think it's a load of shit but hang on a minute because you recommended that everyone get their AMH level and it was really important

so why have you changed your mind I think there must be other factors involved in this like a blood test is like a snapshot of something isn't it

so basically your AMH is how many eggs you've got left in your I might come you know for an AMH test and nothing else

come with us it's in Chester we're going Katie's coming we're doing it joint so are you what will happen you'll go and have

the test first or you won't have the test? So we go in, I've got to start from the beginning now because the last time I went in was like about 18 months ago, yeah. And I went in and I was going to freeze some embryos

and I was going to freeze them in Cyprus because in Cyprus, you can do a lot more genetic testing on the embryos. So you do all of the work up here in Chester and Knutsford, they're based. And then they go, right, your eggs are nearly ready to come out.

you get on a plane to Cyprus and do the bit that you can't do here yeah so you make sure that your kid's cute how tall it is

you have to leave them over there I was only doing it for gender and then can you though be like you can't

be like I want it blonde can you are we at that level yet do you think I don't know I think you I don't know

I wouldn't want it blonde as it happens they tell you like how good the embryos are they tell you how good the embryos are on like a hundred percentile scale here but over there it's like

this is the best best okay right so anyway long story short i went in for my um egg count and the doctor was like they did the test on me three times because they didn't believe the result they were like how have you because you were that you had that little eggs that you were nearly a man yeah they were like have you been pregnant twice i don't understand anyway i went back and And it was just before I ovulated. So you have to go in knowing all of your cycle. Which is why it's always good. The natural cycles.

The natural cycles. So we use natural cycles. And it helps you to know your cycle. I know when I'm ovulating. And the other way you know is your discharge. Goes like egg white. Egg white, you mean. Egg white, yeah.

If it's yolk, you need to get down to the clinic. There's a problem. Egg white. It's like stringing. That's so it can trap the sperm, isn't it? Yeah. That's another way of knowing. And I use those clear blue digital.

digital ovulation yeah they're really good do you know what I use them but not once has it said I'm ovulating yet so that's the bit of a worry I had that for a bit I had that for a bit

but did you buy the purple one or the pink one whatever was 70p from Home Bargains yeah so you've not got the digital one okay I use them

and same as well they don't even work sometimes I think I wee too much it's got two lines on it always basically but never yes so you need to get the

I'll send you the link the one that actually says yes and no and it's got a a circle a smiley face yeah and a flashing smiley face

smiley face means the egg has arrived flashing smiley face means go for it the egg's about to come go for it go for it go for it

shag shag shag I'm the opposite by the way I do not want I went in and I had a scan and he was like

there's loads of eggs here that's very strange and you've just ovulated there's the one that's just dropped and then he was like I was like well can we go home

and try and he was like well you can try if you want but you know you want a boy and blah blah blah

sorry guys don't judge me i don't want loads of kids i decided what i wanted so yes so i didn't actually end up freezing any and i do think i want another one but i don't know if i want that pressure of like because i've already been told i've not got many eggs left well they say so yeah that's the story i'm going back to freeze some i'm not doing it in cyprus so you're just going to keep them and then if you and ed decide that you want another child and it doesn't come naturally then you've got them there yeah but girls if you're going in to freeze your eggs just know this freezing your

eggs isn't as successful as freezing embryos yes i have heard this so what they have to do is once they've taken the eggs out of you they put them on ice and then they have to thaw the egg which means they have to defrost it basically then they have to put it in a tray with sperm and see if it takes whereas if you've already done all that and it's i bet it's more expensive though isn't it to get the embryos no no it's the same so why would you why would people i think it'll be a bit more expensive as in like testing the sperm why would people only do the egg then because they feel like you've not met a partner yet oh you've got no nothing to make the embryo with exactly so i would always say do half sperm donor embryos and half your eggs because you might meet someone

later on in life that you want to use one of your eggs with that is a very good idea at the end of the day if that doesn't work out you still have the ones you've got the ones there that's my advice okay i might have my thingy tested but i don't know i would go and come to the appointment it's very insightful i find it very very interesting as a woman what i find frustrating is men have got their whole life to meet someone and produce yeah and you know what girls this is our insurance policy to have that behind us and i think that you know we spend money on boobs bums botox we should be looking at this also another thing you want a family i've had loads of messages yeah men yeah they can but it doesn't it doesn't really follow a pattern whereas with women the

older you get very quickly it declines men after 35 now and again you can have a low sperm count what men's tend to they can go you're only gonna back it oh so um another thing is i've been getting loads of messages um of people that have had miscarriages recently and i think it is because i spoke about yeah definitely because i don't get any yeah um and i just wanted to discuss this because i don't think a lot of people realize this but a miscarriage is actually 50 50 down to the man and woman no i didn't know that so the sperm has to be the best quality possible and the egg has to be the egg best egg possible so men think they can drink down the pub they can but the chromosome isn't right in the sperm and that embeds and you fall pregnant it gets to a

stage where it goes this isn't working out and that's it so honestly that's really interesting ash for three months i really meant that then as well you start trying for a baby start taking the z2s supplements man and woman if you're putting your body through this nine months of pregnancy and you want the best chance possible when you go to that 12-week scan get your partner taking these tablets you know it makes you realize like for me and you obviously we've had babies with people that we're not with it just makes you realize how actually how lucky it is to conceive a child when you actually break it down how many things can go wrong even just getting pregnant then keeping the baby just have a natural i never thought anything i just got pregnant had a baby

also girls don't get worried if you don't fall pregnant straight away so i've got a statistic here for you which was literally brought out the other day seven out of ten women will be pregnant after one year of trying by the age of 30 okay only six out of ten women will be pregnant after one year of trying above the age of 30 to the age of 35 after that 35 to 40 after a year trying only four oh my god piss off i'm 30 nearly 33 freezer eggs on it freeze free i might no but then just james have to go wank in a room because i would love that that'd be really fun in his suit on his uh on his lunch hour so he literally went in like hi and he had to put it in a hatch no yeah so he just had a wank in a room yeah do you know what like did they provide

different materials they ask him and they go do you want to take your phone on or do you want um a dvd or do you want a magazine and then do they say like what's your preference do you like And he was like, I'll tape my phone in. And then I was like, you were looking at pictures of me, weren't you? Definitely wasn't. Definitely wasn't. Definitely wasn't. Okay, so thanks for that, Ash.

That was quite deep, wasn't it? Yeah, that's quite interesting. James got Lauren's milk up her pooper. Oh. That, Lucas, is really childish and that is not going on. Fucking prick. I'm going to show James that. um so i might be talking a little bit funny which as we know i do anyway because of my lisp

but i have got an invisalign in now here you go i got an invisalign in so i went to be clear orthodontist where you went orthodontics orthodontics orthodontics okay now be clear i went last week i said i was gonna didn't i um oh my god it has moved forward in time did you have the app and everything yeah yeah so i've got my camera thing so good so i've got 20 traits things um and i don't because i'm used to going back i don't really have to go back so every week i put a scanny thing in my mouth move it around my mouth it like and they say move to the next and then they say move to the next and i just put the next tray in um so at 20 weeks so that's five months isn't it sounds a long time but i've been thinking about doing this for like years so if i just crack

on with it by summer i'm done but make sure you get a fitted retainer afterwards to keep them mine have moved so much I'm going to go back in they're so good, they've been so genuinely so helpful they know the shit they're fans, they were saying they listen to the podcast they love us

they're nice girls if you're thinking of getting any orthodontic work then go there, and actually I can speak not that bad and it doesn't hurt that much the Brits were this weekend and there were some fabulous outfits Did you see them?

I did. The one that has been everywhere, though, is... Sam Smith. Right. I want to talk about him. He's controversial. Lucas has just said what I did. I don't know if anyone heard that.

But I like Harry Styles. Do you feel like he's trying to be a bit Harry Styles, but it's not working out for him? Right. So, I wanted to speak about this, right? So, I was talking to one of my guy friends, and he's like, Sam Smith's anging, fucking disgusting.

I don't think that. it shouldn't be around our kids it's not right and I was like oh yeah there's been loads of controversy our kids shouldn't be

watching that so I was like okay yes I think he's a bit of a bell I'm not seeing the video that everyone's talking about however why shouldn't he be

what is he yeah so okay so he's a bigger guy wearing wearing scantily clad little clothes

would we abuse a woman like that if it was a big woman yes like Lizzo wearing little she could wear a similar outfit skinny would we say that's disgusting no because he's just because

he's a man he's a bigger person wearing smaller clothes i mean we can't really that's unfair and then somebody was saying oh we'd have a go at andrew tate but not sam smith i was like these are two totally different people and i don't understand why sam smith's going to affect our children what are we what is why is he making people feel so uncomfortable so what are the issues what why why does he make people feel so uncomfortable certain men are really really scared of gay men and is it because he's not only gay men really eccentric yeah out there and i feel like that's so like in the past like what's your issue like what do you look as you're a gamer and why don't you like him well i mean look at the tom daly stuff yeah flirt with tom daly tom daly's

husband was like can you back up yeah so if you didn't hear that basically there's two different elements to this I think how he dresses like why do we give a fuck Lady Gaga did she get the shit that's what I was

just going to say it's 2023 no one cares how you dress get your nips out get your balls out but I mean it was funny

him walking that made me laugh but yeah like that Talia Storm she had a bikini on as well did anyone rage who is she

I don't know she's still around she's from Jersey she's all over TikTok I mean that girl feels herself her mum was on

Real Thinking of Jersey I watched that I quite liked it but she used to go out with Lewis Capaldi as well maybe Saskia's going to be the next Talia Stone I mean she's doing it

she's doing what she wants whatever she's still on the scene so Lucas said that he used to work in radio and Sam Smith has a reputation for being a bit of a knob

and trying it on with other gays husbands and partners and we saw that with Tom Daley that was in the paper that he was coming on to Tom Daley

we don't like that we don't like that so yeah I just wanted to throw it out there that if he wants to dress like a joint, what are they called? A joint of beef. A joint of beef.

A ham hock. Then I dress like that. I'll be like that on Valentine's. I'll be the ham hock. That's you when you're... Rolling around with my dingle dangles. Oh my God, my poster girl outfit. Would you wear that again now?

Yeah. No. No, you wouldn't. I was single and blonde. It was good fun. It did the job, honey. The outfit did the fucking job. It paid the bills.

It paid the bills. Anyhow. Right, so what did you get up to this weekend, sweetheart? So we had all four children this weekend. I'm slowly, like, learning how to manage that. It's a lot. I know. I know, mate.

I can't even have my own two. I don't like kids either as a whole. But I love them and we're getting there. Do you know what? It's nice. Thea's the happiest I've ever seen her, to be fair. Like, she's always playing. She's always happy.

But it is hard work for things. But it's like a zoo. It's like a zoo. Honestly, it's chaos. And I've got a bit of OCD. Do they look after each other? Oh, my God. They're incredible together.

so you could shut the door and leave them yes normally not I'm supposed to do yeah but like yeah yeah like I can't shut mine in

so the youngest the youngest is only little she's two but they all look after her like when they're on like if they're playing on the stairs and you're always like

be careful be careful don't go on the stairs she can walk and everything they're always like and they'd shout you if they put something in their mouth

yeah yeah yeah and Theo's always behind her like be careful on the stairs Theo's like taking this mother role and she gets on with the boys really well and like

the little one wasn't going to sleep so Theo's going calm down calm down I'm here so it's nice that is so

it melts your heart when you see them like that I was so proud of her you know but it is like my house is like a zoo like I just I've started to let go

of things do they eat lotus at the minute snacks can I have that I'm hungry I'm really hungry so imagine right

you've got two but then you offer them something they don't want it they don't eat it so imagine now how annoying Saskia is just one kid

right times that by four all at once so it's literally like can I have that euthanise can I have that euthanise

and the other one will go I want a yoghurt can i have yogurt can i have yogurt and they're always i want a pink yogurt yeah i wanted the pink yogurt boys are always hungry can't wait till teddy grows up literally you can't fill them do they smell as well they're not old enough to smell yet but they just eat and they they jump on things why boys and girls are worlds apart girls sit and play boys jump on every piece of furniture they draw on things they they fight they they're just different and i've never dealt with boys so but Anyway, I had them.

We took them to like a big play centre thing on, I know, disgusting me, but it was clean. So that's all you can ask for. But they go away. So me and the girls and James, we all went and my friend's partner. So the kids ran off playing

and we just had a coffee and a chat like, and they've gone. They're not in my grill. But one was always crying somewhere. Someone spotted me. Can I just say, what, at the play centre? So I sat at the play centre chatting away

and this lady came over and she was like, I felt like do you know what it reminded me of when I did the football thing she came over and she went I'm sorry to bother you while you're eating and I literally felt like

big time I'm sorry to bother you while you're eating and I felt like that footballer that time and I was like no no no I'm not he's fine

and I literally had food crumbling out of my mouth I was like no no no and I look like shit as I always do when people see me and she was just like I love the podcast

like I had to come over she looked at her boyfriend he was dying she was like my boyfriend's dying here with embarrassment but like I had to come over I love it

and I said thank you because sometimes people just stare and you know they know and they listen to the pod and they just stare and then I think either you're staring

if I've got toilet roll but you said you would never go over to anyone never no and I said to her thank you for coming over rather than just staring at me

but it was nice can I just say gals it's coming up to Easter it's not coming up to Easter don't give your kids mini eggs eat them yourself

Saskia choked on one really yep literally she put one in her mouth and they've been in the fridge Well, it's the same as a grape, really. We cut grapes up.

I didn't know this. And she's like, she's four now. Yeah, I'd give Thea that, no problem. They'd been in the fridge, so they're hard. And me and Ed were in bed and she was sat in between us and she was like... Oh, my God, the fear, your stomach just goes. So I literally got her and tipped her upside down,

smacked her on the back and she was sick and it came out. But if I hadn't been in the room with her... Yeah, it's scary. I don't know what... But what I must say as well, when I was pregnant with Teddy... Did you go to first aid? I paid for a lady to come round to the house. Oh, of course, you didn't go.

I was going to say, did you go on a first aid course? Did she fuck? She got someone to the house. What's it called? The NSPCC? No, darling. N-I-T?

No, no, no. What's it called? NSPCC? No, no, no. That thing that you go to or those classes. I know what you mean. Like, I can't remember.

I know what you mean. NCS. Whatever it is. Before you have a baby, you go on these things. Where you have to mix with normal people. I intended to.

I intended to, but I didn't have time. Believe it or not. I paid this lovely lady, if anyone wants a number message me to come around to the house and i was there our nanny was there ed was there my mum was there anyone that would look after yeah the children yeah i think it's fantastic they did like burns how to deal with a burn no i really agree that choking a hundred percent you know what as well they said like whenever you go around to some or you have

someone new in the house and you're leaving the kids with them which i've never had but this is such a good idea you should always have a piece of paper inside one of the cupboards with your address on for if you need to ring an ambulance i didn't think of that same stuff like that was amazing i mean if someone doesn't know your address you don't really want looking after your kids um anyway yeah that is a very good point so yes so sasuke didn't choke eat all the mini eggs don't give them to your kids i love mini eggs go to play centers you can buy a kilo of mini eggs at the minute from Waitrose

a kilo I'm not a chocolate person I'm more crisps but nothing hits like a mini egg and a glass of wine really oh really

I've not had a drink we've got new vibrators we have I've not brought it in for you oh why we've turned into

like vibrator testers I mean it's not something I aspired to be at school but I'll take it fuck me so it's meant

to be really good it's the Lello clit sucker yes um but it looks like because obviously you can put it on your bum hole and see we've got the um we've got the womanizer which is good as well but i feel like that shape the shape of that one isn't as user with your partner friendly okay you hide upstairs anyway i had oh my god i did it again what you have a secret one but i was

like i'm really ill you go to the pt by yourself to add on sex because we're going to a pt together on saturday morning and i was like you're gonna have to go by yourself i was like my womanizer out got under my electric what's the fucking 20 it took 20 if you want 20 off anything on the website so you literally just went up and did it yeah with my electric blanket why do you always have the electric blanket it's really weird she always mentions it's such a good combination though you're hot is it not sweaty

yeah but you like that feels more realistic I'm going to start rolling my electric blanket up into a body a body and humping it

she's going to start humping the electric she's like like when you were little did you ever go to swimming pools when you were little and you know the

the jet you'd put your vagina in front of it yeah well you did you did it shut up and it felt nice

and you just stand there and you're like a big grin on your face looking at everyone everyone did that I saw fear go past it and I could see a little face

and I thought don't you honestly I remember that when do you think you have your first wank I think year 7

so like 11 yeah 12 Lucas when did you have your first wank maybe younger maybe younger for boys I think maybe 10

yeah because boys get an erection so it's very visible so they're like what is this thing what do I do with it Ed was saying that wet dreams are like

the best thing in the world I've had a wet dream have you yeah it was really good like in my dream that the full thing was happening

and I woke up he said like you wake up and it's real and you've come yeah it's true I've had it once yeah

wow I literally woke up and I was like oh no I was like oh oh oh it was really good what were you touching yourself

no but when I instinctively when I woke up big touch to myself when was this not even that long I don't know like a few years

not like recently not that long ago yeah it's good right anyway half term is getting on my tits at the minute

you won't understand this for two reasons number one sasky's not at school and number two you don't live in the real world you want to disagree do no no i don't disagree with that um take it you take it i'd take it um so half term right so half term what are you meant to do school's out for a week you still got work for that week school clubs so duh do you know how expensive they are ash they're not 16 pounds a day right okay so 16 pounds a day now if you've got two children okay that's 40 and they're not 16 they're

about 20 at least mine is 16 okay so double that that's 40 pounds a day for five days i'd rather that than my kids around me no but what i'm saying is some people get that in a week's work yes they do ash yeah so some people get that it's a part-time mom you just don't know do you i'm I think it's fucking expensive I'm not disagreeing with you and as well especially like single parents this is what I'm saying

how the fuck is it fair how the fuck is it fair so if you're a single mum and you've got two children and you're a hairdresser or a nail tech and you can't just have the time off what the fuck are you meant to do

it's horrific it's awful exactly so I'm lucky in the sense that my mum's helped me out she's going to a school club one day and I'm lucky with my job that I can move things round

not a lot of people can so it's like right half term what are you meant to do and the man is always like what do you mean I'm not taking time off they're such twats aren't they so it's like

how do you deal with that what are you meant to do in the six week holidays can you not just say to Thea's dad hi a month ahead hi there sir

I am working that week to pay for my child here is the inventory of the after school club I'm willing to pay £150 can you pay the other £150

or even if I could just say can you use two days holiday that week you need to start giving yourself a bit of a break yeah

so listen I'm lucky when it comes to but I was thinking more about other people like six week holidays what do you do for six weeks

six weeks what can you do between the hours of fucking nine and two nothing how can women work how can you work

how it's really unfair it just doesn't work and the six week holidays so for six weeks what do you do so if they're in school clubs

you've got two kids which is probably like the average that's a grand so you might as well not work for some women also i don't get what you've made my mind up yet on the after school club and holiday clubs because

when i went to speak to the school that um sasky is going to i was like so how many kids um in her class are going to the after school club and they went to two oh looks pale isn't it so yeah so no one needs to no one works but like do you not think that's a bit like what she doesn't like the other two yeah no i agree it's a bit it's made me yeah so i might be in the same position I don't know It's a bit like What do you do It's a bit weird

Like three of them Two Two of the wee kids Yeah It's not a lot It's not a lot No No

That's the problem Thea there's loads at Thea's And she does enjoy it She never does breakfast club But she does do quite a bit Of after school club No I think like in the morning

I love my time with them In the morning I know You feel me So cute While you're getting Your makeup done Did you get yours done today

Yeah I did Why do you still Keep doing that Because I want to No but I just think You look nice anyway I'm being nice you prefer me without it done don't you and mine however i've done mine in the dark i'm not even

lying your skin looks so good it's the pericone stuff it's fucking good stuff what's the one that i need to order uh the my favorite is the crease crease serum at the end of recording will you let me know because i'm going to send ash a message and say i want it's honestly really really good i'm getting some and i love an overnight mask so you need that i had that on last night i had that on last night well your skin looks incredible do you know what

I need to do and I've not done it for years I need to go on the sunbed for 10 minutes just to get a little boost just cover your face

though obviously obviously but I feel like winter has taken its toll with having a little baby keeping me up at night

and it being winter you feel like bleh that's what's getting on my tits Valentine's Day so obviously we're recording

we're recording a little bit behind but I had the Ivy and 20 Stories book because my favourite is actually shut Peter Street Kitchen

it's shut for refurb at the minute I've never been that's my favourite restaurant in Manchester I'm a bit fussy with food

no it doesn't even matter so what you do is let's go there on our day out okay I want to go to the gay village yes we are going to

go to the gay village I want Lucas to take us to the gay village like he's two bitches and he's going to show us the best spot can we organise a date I'll probably end up

snogging a gay man I know what something weird will happen from Ipswich to Manchester and pulled a gay guy and honestly I'd end up snogging

in the middle of a club something really weird and because we're such narcissists it'll really turn us on when they go you're fit and I'm a gay man

and we'll end up snogging each other with an audience of gay men like it's dangerous I don't know how it works oh so Peter Street Kitchen we don't know

you've never seen us kiss maybe it's nice it's so nice so you're always asked to sit on the sofas near the window right and me and Ed

always go on like a Saturday early evening or a Sunday evening and it's opposite Albert Slosh. So you can people watch. And the windows are blacked out so me and Ed sit and we like live vicariously.

Yes, through all these fun people. Through all these fun people. I love that. I saw, my friend went to Albert Slosh for Sunday roast and it was a band.

It looks so good. Maybe we do that. No, it's booked up for weeks ahead. It looks really good. There's like a live band. It looked really, really good actually.

You can take the kids as well, can't you? Probably. No, you can. You can. Yeah, it looked really,

really good. Oh my God, the kids would love that. Yeah, they would. Valentine's. Okay, Valentine's. We digress. I have got to go and buy my own present after this.

Poor me. What are you buying, though? A pair of Prada shoes. Okay, well, I'm sure you'll be fine then. And then I'm picking Ed's present up. What have you got, Ed? A tie. Okay.

And a pair of socks, a pair of Dior socks. Okay, lovely. I've never understood that. I never understand designer socks. Not one person is ever going to see them. He goes to the races and they're like, I'll show you, they're like Dior grey oblique with the Dior all over.

So I think with a nice, great high. So if he sits down and his pant lifts. Yeah, okay, okay. For special, for special. They're like 300 quid socks. Fucking hell, that's just silly. That's so silly. Like, I lose the socks.

You know, in my house, there are 12 pairs of feet, 12 feet, six pairs, 12 feet. now you wouldn't believe how many socks just get lost and six of those feet are men men socks and i can never find them and i lose them and if they were dior i would spend the whole day under the sofa looking for these dior socks i'd be like i'd hand wash them with my mouth well they will need like hand washing for 300 pounds i would literally clean them with my toothbrush yeah so um yeah that's what i'm getting for him no that would not be a dior jizz sock tomorrow night and i'm going to cancel it where were you going to go um well like i said my favorite restaurant shut so

it was going to go to ivy and 20 stories but i'm cancelling it are you well do people still go to 20 store we were going to go for a cocktail first because it's next door isn't it it's nice views you know at sunset and stuff so um it used to be like the spot didn't it for a while but no one really goes so expensive isn't it and the food's not that good i don't like the food but i like it I like to go for drinks. I like to go to start the night. In the summer, it is lovely looking out. You can't smoke out there now, either.

Can you not? No, so what's the point in being cold outside? No, unless you're having a fag. Have you been to Schofield's for drinks? Schofield's? Oh, my God, it's meant to be incredible. Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop. I've just had an absolute thing.

It's not Joe Schofield's, is it? It's like a music, but really classy music wine bar. Wait, when did it open? So I used to be best friends. This is all, you know, when loads of things connect. So I used to be best friends with a guy called Joe Schofield. About six months ago it opened? I'm going to have to Google it

so I was best friends with a guy called Joe Schofield at school he was fucking unreal he sat next to me in all the lessons we got on

we were at each other's prom date and then you lose touch you just lose touch he was a bar he was a mixologist and now you've just said this Schofield's is behind the ivy yeah

I've got a feeling I've just got a feeling I'm going to Google it now if that's his then that's unreal do you have to book Lucas? I would I mean I would

is it food? no just drinks isn't it live music? oh my god it is It's him Schofield's bar Bartender brothers

Joe and Daniel Oh my god Well done Joe If anyone still speaks to Joe Fuck We were best friends It's meant to be so good love him Get us a table

Get us a table He is honestly One of the funny One of the most wonderful people And you just lose touch I left school at like 16 And we just lost touch Oh my god

Well done Joe Right let's go to Schofield's Shall we go It's really like dark and sexy Right shall we go to Schofield's And then the gay village Yeah I mean they're worlds apart

well why not then that's us that's us worlds apart right we need to get that paper so Valentine's Day you've not told me yet

so you're not going there are you doing anything else no I'm doing nothing I think it's shite so I spoke to James oh I had sex for the first time with my new bum

oh how was it yeah fine but then I was like in a mood with Ed over something and he grabbed my bum and I was like

get off and he went oh it was like having sex with a new person the other day and I went well that's the wrong thing that's not the right thing

to say and then I was like does he like it yeah something to grab a new person yeah and then as soon as

he'd said it he was like do you know what my rage recently is really bad is it hormones

it must be I was a bit moody yesterday but that's because there was loads of kids but do you know what I think it's all to do with astrology

do you believe that yeah there's been like a lot of full moons yeah there always is though isn't there and also I think it's turning 33 really

to bio I'll see how that goes so I said to James do you want to do something for Valentine's Day I didn't really want to and he was like no

I don't want to either takeaway yeah he said he's got me a card he said and he's written in it like why he loves me but listen he said

I know for a fact that you're going to make a mockery of me either on the podcast or in your Insta so I've put some really filthy things in there so you can't

you can't take a picture of it has James got writing like a one year old like a two year old boy like very squirrelly he does he has different it goes up and down

like it's all over men's handwriting is just I think it'll be a moon pic he won't have written it but yeah he's put the reasons he loves me but he was like

I've put something really dirty in there so you can't take a picture of it because he knew that it'd be on the Insta to show everyone he said that I I've really had him off recently

so the funny thing is so when this person came over to us had him off meaning like taking the purse taking the purse like you've had me off

when the lady came over to say she recognised me James was sat next to me and he gets quite flustered about it and I was like why are you flustered well he's very private

and then all of a sudden it kind of clicks that woman knows about our sex life oh yeah she knows that he gets a semi all the time she knows everything

about him he said I'm there and she's like hi and he said she's looking at me she knows everything about me and he said I'm just

a bit like oh fuck you know all my sexual things well I'm always on my own so yeah that's fine I'm with James most of the time

but he's like he said it's awkward Ed doesn't leave the house you're on your own under your electric blanket masturbating but we're not we're not doing

anything for it anyway and I think look don't put pressure on yourselves it's all about spending money and you have to have the balloons remember last year I've never done valentines

have you never done it I've never done relationships oh I'm a valentines girl because one of my I like it I think it's sweet one of my love languages is gifts

so that's why receiving receiving or giving receiving yeah gifts and affirmation what do you know about

the love languages so there's like ten to choose from and you have to pick two I thought it was like blowjob wank no you know what your love language is

and so mine is gifts and affirmations what's an affirmation like people telling you good things about yourself so there's like narcissists

touch I'm touch time spending what's the other one I'm cuddling what's that yeah there's one like that

I'm touchy snuggles listen in next episode can we go through the love languages yeah definitely because

it's honestly once you've figured out your two and your partner's two then you can help you can give each other you've got it okay you've got it

If you are doing Valentine's Day, though, like, it is cute. It is nice. It's always nice. I think it's a first Valentine's Day as a thing. Yeah, I mean, this is ours. But do you know what's funny, though? So James sent me flowers, Valentine's, last year. We'd never met.

We'd never... No, we'd never met. What? And we were talking, because I kept him going for six months before we met. Like, we were chatting for six months before we even met. On the burner. He knows. I've said it on the...

He was on the burner. Yeah. I wasn't ready to, like, commit to anything at that point. You were running wild. I was running wild, I was, I was having a great time. In your bandage dress. In my bandage dresses, like, whatever. I was enjoying myself and we were really good friends

and what he said, listen to this for cute, he was like, I know, oh, he's going to kill me, he was like, I know this is a bit embarrassing, but I'd fallen in love with you before I'd met you. Oh, for fuck's sake. Sorry, but he had. Pass me a bucket. Anyway, he had and he sent me some flowers,

he sent me Valentine's flowers and we'd never met. We didn't meet for another three months. Were they nice flowers? Yeah, roses, we didn't meet for another three months. You wouldn't have liked me if I'd read roses. Do you remember last year, Rose Gates? Oh my God. I'd got her the wrong roses

and she went fucking mad. I'd got me like a hundred red roses and it was off like one of my favourite florists and I was like, oh my God, I'm so funny. I've got a really funny story

quickly before we move on. I hate red roses. She went mad. She was a bitch. I made him go to the flower shop and swap them. I know, she's such a bitch.

I know. Right, anyway, listen to this. So I was seeing, again, I had a few on the table at the time.

You need a few. Girls, best advice ever, have a few. You don't have to sleep with them but you can if you want. and it was when I worked at the Harley Medical Group

and it was on Valentine's Day like in the week is that the Prada coat remember that oh no no no it wasn't it wasn't God that was when

anyway and I had like flowers turning up on my desk I think I ended up with about like four things of flowers and there was these amazing ones

and then there was some really nice ones some beautiful ones and then there was a Asda packed in a oh my god

cardboard box some five pound flowers and the guy that i was talking to at the time must have like said to one of the lads that he was friends with i'm gonna send ashley some amazing flowers so all of the cards had a question mark in apart from the asda flowers had his name so he was proud of them no his mate had done him over oh my god that's fucking brilliant that's why so he was like are you waiting for your flowers and you were like so no he

I bet he was mortified I was mortified so I didn't even text him I just ignored him I was that much of a bitch I put his Asda flowers next to the massive bouquet

that he clearly actually had got me and I sent him a picture like thanks for your flowers I got some of someone else as well just to make a point

and he must have thought the Asda ones oh my god and then in the end I think one of the lads must have made a comment at the pub that week and he was like

he went mental at his friends oh my god Because I got the ick then That is good banter That is good banter That's good banter That's really good banter

From them So I'd got the ick That is brilliant And that was it then Go on I really want to do that now You've got the ick now Isn't that good

Oh my god Yeah Who can we do it to I would have done it to Me and Shmi Me and Shmi I wonder how many He'll be sending

Okay guys We're going to have a break We will be back afterwards With your slutty Seasoned confessionals can i just say guys to everyone ashley has stolen my lip liner she's stolen my lip liner um and she's not admitting it she's even she had that look on her face i don't know if you heard last week we spoke about oh there was always a kid that stole things from people's houses right when i

said to her that's my lip liner her face like she had like this smile that was like and then she No I'm going to message Frankie And Frankie is just Her sister has just sent A voice note back That basically is trying To have Ashley's back But she knows full well

She went I don't ever look at What you put on your lips She stole my fucking spice She doesn't wear it And she doesn't suit it either Have a look at the visuals It's mine

Do people still do spice In prison I think Yeah What the fuck Or on the streets Do you think people Still do spice What are you guys on about spice

We're on about liner Lip liner spice Right just to clarify Yeah it's a drug That you smoke right No what Lucas is saying Is I've been like Ashley stole my spice

Not that kind of spice Me and you like Spice heads fighting In Piccadilly Gardens No Okay Slutty season I'm going to do it

Hi Hans Absolutely adore The pod Of Years ago When I was 19 or 20 I'd just split up With my boyfriend

Who I'd been with Since I was 13 So I decided to make up For lost time Going out Each week With my cousin Go girl

That's what we do We were both newly single It's always dangerous That isn't it Unfortunately for me she found an FYB friend with benefit

who she'd met each weekend we were out luckily for me I'd just end up with his half decent mates she'd just go off with whoever was free after three or four weeks

he'd been bringing different mates out each week which I obviously didn't mind at all then a few weeks later we went out again and her friend with benefit

was there with all of his friends I'd been with so each week he's been bringing a different mate on a carousel where they go up and down

and so they'd had a shag And then they all turned out, all turned up at once. Oh, I was mortified. Even worse when I went to the bar and they were behind me. I heard one say, I've shagged her. Then hearing them all say, so have I. Oh, me too. So have I.

I just turned around and smiled. Zero fucks given. Love that. Do you know what, though? Have you ever been in a place where you've slept? Don't forget, I'm 32. So if I was sexually active from whatever age, that's a long time. So there's a chance that you're going to be in an area

where you slept with someone maybe when you were 20 and one when you were 30 like 10 years apart nah the worst the worst thing happened to me when I was heavily

heavily pregnant I was walking down a very quiet aisle of Marks and Spencer and I bumped into a shark oh no I bet he's thinking he's not lying

and he was like well I think it was near that it was near that time he's looking at you thinking shit and I was like oh you can't go anywhere can you

I was so traumatised it took me three days him back to recover do you remember i told you the story if you listen back you know when i was pregnant and i was out with the girls for um works do when i was i was pregnant and i looked across the room and i saw on the a neck tattoo that i remembered from the only one night stand i've actually ever had and i remembered that neck and i looked and it like zoomed in and he turned and looked at me i was like and then i when i went past him he tried to come on to me so he'd forgotten that it even happened it was a couple years before um yeah yeah these things happen girls we just got

to move with it do you want to do the next one no you're gonna have to do it i'm too late oh god oh god you're so annoying today hi girls love the pod i've been listening from day one i'm an english girl living in australia so i appreciate british humor so much congrats on all your success i love that because we get a lot of australian people that are in australia that are english also thanks for the congrats on the success you know it is actually doing really fucking well like isn't it ash we're like it's flying so thank you i thought you're not arse today you just ignoring me i thought you might find my embarrassing sex story funny so here you go i went home with a guy i knew from work after a house party to his mum's house oh we were ah we

were 17 at the time so it was acceptable to live with parents please know i am now 27 and this still haunts me so this is a 10 year haunter the shag that haunts you so we always say about the fart that haunts you we need to know the shag that shag i've got have you got a shag that haunts you I've got a couple probably too drunk too yeah as we were about to get down dirty

in his man city single bed in the box room of the house I suddenly remembered it was my time of the month oh god there's nothing worse

how do you suddenly remember no she thought how drunk she was this didn't bother me too much as we were both absolutely wasted so I slyly removed my tampon and put it on the floor

next to the bed rolled in my knickers I thought I'd just get rid of it after I do and my mad dash to the loo yeah makes sense she thought I'll roll it up I'll take it later

anyway we got on with it and didn't give it another thought and then i forgot all about it in the morning the guy's sibling opened his bedroom door to try and embarrass him and popped his mum's little white pomeranian dog in how cute i thought she ran straight up to me so excited in a flash she was gone out of the door i looked down and my used tampon and knickers shit i said to the guy your dogs ran off with my tampon he raced downstairs to chase the dog to all of his family members. And it was white, the dog. I thought that.

To retrieve the stinky, juicy tampon, I was mortified. Safe to say, I never went home with him again. Do you know what? Tampons and sex, I've had friends before that have taken them out and no clue where they've gone.

Like, can't find them or woke up in the morning like, my tampon's gone. There was a girl that left one under someone's pillow once, wasn't there? Yeah, yeah. Because at the time, you're drunk and you remove it

and you sometimes don't know. And you could put another one in and trap it in there. That's the other. I bet so many women have had sex with a tampon still in. And had it pounded to the roof of their uterus. My friend once had to go to the doctors to have it properly removed with tweezers because there was a stench and they didn't know what it was.

And she put her fingers around to look, couldn't find anything, went to the doctors, like there's a terrible stench. And they got up there with some apparatus. Is that when they found the hot dog? And that's when they found the hot dog. No, oh, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God. Right, so I met somebody last week,

not saying where or anything like that but i met somebody and she said i've got a confession for you i was like okay because this seems to be the thing now and she said the chair leg story our famous the guy shagging himself with a chair leg story she said it was my best friend so it's a true story so i was like stop it when i told her you have to send that in and she said the girl who it is is actually really quiet and really private it's a big deal for us and it went fucking viral so she's i was like oh my god tell me more tell me more i said so it's definitely true because sometimes you think this can't you know a hundred true and apparently he has i said is he gay is he known to be gay no she's never seen him again since that incident the boyfriend

the boy she really fucked him off never seen him again but it's turned out he's fathered three separate children like over the past few years so he's a bit of a one anyway isn't with any of them never known to be gay nothing like that not like a bit of a rumour or anything and she said I said does he know

just likes his I said does he know about this she went I don't know but if I see him I'm going to say you need to go on this TikTok mate

because you've gone viral so yeah 100% true and she confessed it was her friend anyhow thank you very much for those stories

we love them and I hope that you're not traumatised for the rest of your life about the Pomeranian with your tampon so remember on Nip Tuck

we want you to get your voices heard you can email us at hello at niptoppod.com. You can also get in touch via WhatsApp, which means voice notes too. We will play them out in future episodes. However, don't worry. If you want to remain anonymous,

we won't reveal who you are. Simply head over to this episode's description for more information. And we would absolutely love if you could rate the pod. We'd love it. We'd love it. Five stars. Sam Smith, give us a five-star review

for our in-detail chat about you. And Talia Storm. Yeah, she's all right. I just don't know what she's doing. I just, I don't know. Anyway, go on. Anyway, yeah, bye.