Nip Tuck - The Baby List

Episode Date: July 26, 2023

In today's episode, Ashley updates us on her pregnancy and shares a very strict set of rules that one Mum created and posted on her socials. Lauren's been fasting and has a crazy story that one of her clients told her at the clinic. Plus one listener takes Slutty Susan to a whole new level and we love it!To sign up for Patreon for more exclusive content and full video episodes, click this link: https://patreon.com/niptuckpodTo get involved with the show, you can send us a DM on Instagram and TikTok, find us @niptuckpod.Or you can email [e-mail] can also send us your beauty questions, icks, dilemma's and Slutty Susan confessionals via WhatsApp! You can text or voice note the girls on [phone] Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

guys hi bitches hi hey what are you doing here hello and welcome to nip tuck not giving a fuck a fuck this is the podcast where we celebrate being where we celebrate being positive aspirational women it's all about being yourself babe just yourself whatever that is i'm having a hair problem today do you know these headphones just are not good for the hair oh my god you should see what they've done to mine yeah it's really funny actually they've actually made like um hairs like poker straight and they've made an indentation of circles on each side like committed to the cause absolutely coming up on today's show a woman gets stuck in a loft after a cheating hubby's wife returns we debate a woman's list of rules for after she's

had a baby and one of our listeners goes all out for revenge with a toxic fella you won't believe what she did on nip tuck we want you to get your voice heard girlfriend and boys to send your stuff over to hello at niptuckpod.com we've got a whatsapp number as well so you can voice note us which makes it super easy to get in touch if you head over to our socials at niptuckpod then you'll find out on there the best way to get in touch now we want your slutty susans we want your funny date stories we want your threesomes gone wrong we want your pegging experiences we want it all no i want it all we want it all do you anyone remember this song lucas you included it all no ready don't wanna love you if you don't love me it came up on the phone don't wanna need you

right listen to this so i got this playlist it was all those yeah right and i played it to one she's like i've never heard this in my life i was like what samantha mumba two years sophie she's three years younger than me that's why isn't it don't want to tell you this now how scary is it when you'll be having a conversation with someone and you fully think they're the same age as you and they go like i'm 22 and you're like oh that means i'm like a grandma and there's another song as well um ace of bass remember this left is a flower so precious in your hand carry on oh yeah yeah right

because I thought you were you're gay you're gay do they play all of those gay songs gay songs

stop Ricky do they play all of these fun songs in gay village or I don't know

and we're going right let's go let's go I've got a really funny story for you it's me clapping okay so

I've got a lady in for lip blush she's a big pod fan she told me this quite a while ago and I forgot to tell you let's go

me just let me just move my lisp oh wait i can't okay i got it let me just oh okay let's start again right lady came in podcast and um she told me a story so she's seeing i might say it wrong so she will be listening to this if i say it wrong i'm sorry but i've got the gist of it some embellishment and sprinkle sprinkle i sprinkle sprinkle maybe i can't remember it also if it's wrong i'm sorry but i've got the gist so she's with this guy she's been seeing him quite a while She goes back to his She's wearing a pair of leather pants That's vital for later on

They've been on a night out Been for a meal They go back They've had a load of sex She's lying there Legs Stunning Legs akimbo

Everything's wet everywhere You know what it's like Anyway there's a bang On the door Before he jumps up She's like Is this at night time? Maybe like 11 o'clock

There's someone at the door So he's like I'm going to have to go and get the door He runs down She kind of listens The door it's his fucking wife no right so she's like shit shit shit what did she know he had a wife no so she's like or maybe she thought they were estranged she didn't know that it was so she's

like shit so she's looking around she said she gets her leather pants starts dragging them on as fast as she can and there's he's keeping her at the door so he's like why do you want to come in at the same time she's thinking you fucking prick but she doesn't want to get caught by this woman because she had half of me thought do i go down and be like i didn't know and she thinks no it's a small town everyone's going to talk I just need to get the fuck out of here so she drags on these leather pants and she said at the same time like obviously they've been at it all night it's not great there's a lot of water going around she's dragging them on she's looking around like what the fuck do I do anyway she sees some stairs and loft so she's like I'll just get in the loft

really quick at the same time somehow and now this bit I don't quite understand so I'm going to ad-lib he manages to keep the wife at the door and runs upstairs and he's like get in the fucking loft get in the loft so she gets up she doesn't ask any questions because she's thinking i need to get away she gets in the loft he shuts the hatch she said she sat there thinking how has my life come to this i'm sat in the loft in the dark she's not even done anything wrong and she's sat there like anyway she hears a movement then she hears the door close and then she hears they've gone out the key lock in the door they've gone he's locked her in the house where's the handbag in the i don't know in the loft she's sat in the loft in the dark and they've gone then she hears

the car she sat in the loft so she said she was literally thinking how has my life got to this so she said she managed to get out of the loft and she runs down thinks right he must have managed to get her away they must have gone home together whatever they must have gone wherever and she goes to the door and the door's locked she's stuck in the house i'd smashed the place so she's running around in a blind panic she texts him a dirty protest and said she says he says sorry had to get out of there explain later so she's like i'm locked in the house and he replies windows open so she climbs out the window with her leather pants on and come coming out of her climbing out thinking also he's having unprotected sex with thinking how have i got here how have i got here

so she manages to get out runs down the lawn yeah and the neighbor's floodlights outside come on and she's running at night right in their garden anyway something mate picks her up she goes turns out he um he had a wife and he was staying in his mom's house that he was renovating his mom in his mom's house yeah but she was sat in the loft in the dark the fuck is wrong with these people thinking what do i do here so yeah um thank you for that one i just thought it was really funny she was sat in the loft in a leather pants thinking how have i got here have you ever had those moments in life where you thought how did i get here yeah and you sat there and you think how have i got into this point of my life the story that i mentioned on the podcast

and got in trouble for that's ended up okay now that is one of the times that we've caught over the place we got over that that's one of the times that i thought how that was not a good point in your life did i get here thank god we've moved we got on that situation anyway now that's my crazy old life your life is boring and pregnant i know you don't like giving them but give us a pregnancy update there really is how many weeks now um sorry i just clicked my finger people that do that are not okay by the way people say it gives you arthritis google it doesn't carry on like what that's such a i'm gonna do them all now just to annoy you don't do that lauren please can i just show you something watch this lucas listen to this watch patreon watch this ready

ew that was my neck Lauren that's disgusting feels so good erm yeah still pregnant how pregnant

er 17 weeks fucking hell that's happened quick hasn't it yeah like halfway through 17 weeks

that's a decent pregnant now I always feel like up until about 16 it's just like are you even yeah what is it

what even is it but you're 17 weeks I'd say that is pregnant I feel a lot better this week you were throwing the fuck up last week i was throwing up like bad like i yeah but it's all good because we've got

our um show that i need lots of energy for so 17 weeks what happens in that length of time like are you still wearing normal clothes but a bit bigger i'm not gonna be wearing my turn no i know but you can still pretty much wear the same shit can't you just roll it down oh my god yeah well no those crazy yoga they anyone that follows me on instagram will know i am obsessed with this amazon leggings and they're like did you buy some how good are they drinking my coffee yeah they're amazing and for the price like so you're still on that phase aren't you and you're not being sick anymore because the adenola ones don't stretch as much i'm just over adenola i do like some of the stuff though i do but every bitch has got it on and it's got branding

all over they've got um i am gonna buy um a certain blue i just think they're unusual and like them anyway so you are have you bought anything or is it true that every child you have you leave it later and later because you're busy i bought it a coat no darling i meant like essential things fucking coat i've got everything you're gonna reuse yeah it wasn't long ago was it with teddy no because it's all still out of course yeah where is it going the baby yeah in teddy's bedroom where's teddy going so not in my room he's gonna have to go in your room now you've got rid of your sister he's gonna have to go in your room so sasuke stays where she is baby goes in teddy's teddy goes in my room my new house isn't gonna be ready for a while

so he'll be with you will you how long this is a question everyone's got a different opinion on this how long will you have baby in your room isn't it until the six weeks six months sweetheart oh we don't have to that's not a have to my friend got rid of hers got rid of about eight weeks depends on the baby you just don't know like honestly each time you have a baby you get way more chilled yeah i absolutely agree that i love having saskia in my room like same and she's such a little cuddler same but teddy is not a cuddler right so he just does not cuddle and wants his own bed and his own fair enough you know like if he's ill i'll be like oh yeah he's got to get in with us and i'll go and get him and then i'll like sit and cuddle him and he's like get off me

he doesn't want to no i get out it's like when you were young you used to lock your pet in the bedroom with you i do that with him it's when kids try and pick cats up trying to get away they're like cuddle me no really whereas yeah maybe it's boys and girls james has been working away so i've been having fear in my bed quite a lot and i love every second of it like now he's gonna stop soon and i'm a bit uncomfortable about that so i said to him do you not transport her into her own bed i just want her there all night i sniff her in the night and stuff so i said to james yeah i said to james do you think one night a week we could have her he was like listen you can have her every night i don't want to ask you basically sleeps with me i love it

i honestly what can you do when they come and want to get in bed with you you can't say no i love every second of getting in bed with her cuddling up to her sniffing her and i sleep so nice like i fall asleep i just love it i love it oh god does yours snore mine snores no it doesn't snore doesn't do much um it wriggles yeah and kicks it kicks and wriggles that's it when i'm heavily more heavily pregnant you can't you were sharing a hotel room and everyone was like are you okay sharing a bed i'm like i usually share a bed with literally like 10 people yeah and like what do you think i'm gonna do roll over and kick you i'm not that big either am i like they're like you sure you can be okay sharing a bed you're pregnant i was like i thought i didn't say anything i felt

like saying oh she's about she's like not even big you don't remember um that time we went on that hendo and me and you shared a bed vaguely it was blur blurry there's some funny though i remember laughing in the morning me and you it was it was crying no me and you were we woke up with like kebab in our bed yes we were pranking people and we for some reason had been put in like a separate annex bit do you remember and we could hear them all like arguing with each other and stuff and we were pissing ourselves i remember we were like thank god that's when i was talking to that guy the guy yeah that guy and um oh and we were ringing him oh god i've made some big mistakes i love the game where you can get rid of one person it's just so

much what is it where you're allowed like you know your list of people you've slept with or been out with you're allowed to get rid of one you have to like weigh up which one i just had like a convulsion at thinking of all the bad things i've done as well anyway anyway that's that so um so you're doing intermittent fasting right i want to talk to you guys about this again not health care not doctor blah blah boring let me tell you some facts blah blah boring i listened to diary of a ceo not my normal real thing but i was doing some clearing out and there was two that i really took note of to tell you guys because you'd have to listen to them all um i'm picking the good bits out trust me so here we go um a little bit of information about fasting okay fasting is actually

in fucking incredibly good for you incredibly good for your body not just for weight loss or anything like that healing they do it for cancer patients in certain places where they will not let them eat so let me tell you it's to do with the ketones you know about this because i used to do it used to do ketone so i used to have my last meal at like 7 p.m and then i would break my fast at 12 o'clock so after eight hours your body starts to produce ketones google if you don't know what that is now listen to this this is interesting at 15 hours this is all site this some professor talking about this at 15 hours your growth hormone increases by 13 percent now growth hormone is what we all want because that's what decreases as we get older it's anti-aging

your cell turnover so after 15 hours of fasting that's what happens now after 17 hours of fasting your body begins to worry a little bit so what it does is it starts looking at the cells in your body focusing on removing the bad cells and focusing on getting the good cells stronger because it's thinking shit we need to be in our optimum and that's at 17 hours ready there's something called autophagy which is your cell repair and that's what happens at that time so 17 hours is what i'm aiming for every day now i know a couple that go to the gym they're both amazing look really amazing and they do a full monday with no food couldn't and they look amazing they're very healthy it's the very healthy caveat the reason why i stopped doing keto and

fasting is that it's absolutely horrific for female hormones so if you're looking to like conceive and stuff like that really is it really really bad for your hormones right guys i didn't know that so check that but listen to this also do you know when people say that breakfast is the most important it's not so the reason that got said listen to this for interesting i think it the 70s when cornflakes kind of came out yeah they made not even fucking bread they're not even nice they made that slogan cornflakes made the slogan breakfast the most important meal of the day and it has stuck since then it's marketing now people say you need breakfast lunch and dinner no that has never been the case since we were back to be names that has never been the case

that's what food companies and marketing have taught us to think yes and restaurants that's all that is and what they were saying is back in the day we were hunter gatherers so what we would do is come out of our caves we would go and get all our food and fight everyone and eat everyone bringing our hunt we would eat it all and when we ran out we would then not eat again until we were very hungry and then we would go back out again now that means that our bodies when going into fast go back to that fight or flight thing where they think shit the body needs to hunt for food soon so it makes you more switched on it makes you better at cognitive focus because you're going to get your kill yeah so they were saying you should always fast before anything important because your

brain is going to be much more switched on there's honestly just go on it's a diary of a ceo i don't know which episode it was scroll down you'll work it out yourself um or you'll probably message me yeah and scroll down and have a little look and it's called something about fasting and i just found it incredibly interesting it is but so that's what i'm doing now the other reason i'm fasting is if i put my eating window very small yeah it's quite obvious really whatever the fuck i can eat well i can eat a bit more yeah oh i love that so i am fasting and i tend to stop at eight o'clock and i don't eat again i'll be doing keto for a few weeks but i'm gonna have a fat christmas i've said it listen i if i had another baby i would give myself and with fear i gave

myself six weeks of not even looking at my body no i didn't even look in the mirror because everything changes you need like warm i didn't look at my tummy or anything i thought at six weeks i will look at what's going on i'm not gonna be doing and i'll potentially deal with what's going on at six weeks but not until take me as i am be back at work she says i will right we're going for a break i need a coffee but we will be back with slutty seasons but first are you a loyal listener of nip tuck do you set an alarm for a wednesday and a friday you're ready for the new release do you laugh out loud when you're on the train when you're driving when you're at the gym if you do and you love us please share us okay just share us everywhere

that would help us massively so thank you in advance welcome back welcome back welcome back we've got a funny one here haven't we lauren it's funny if you think it's funny but she's not being funny i don't think it's funny i do serious yeah you're being you think it's serious right so i saw this tiktok and as usual sent it to lauren and as usual normally she sends me that many i don't even look at any of them but so this girl put my kid my rules so this girl's heavily pregnant and she has written a list of rules which her and her partner are sending to all friends and family members and have posted on their social media so everyone is aware.

Are you ready to hear the rules? Go on. Let me whiz through the rules and then we'll discuss. No visitors until I feel ready. It might be days, it might be weeks, I don't know. My mum meets the baby first in hospital, then my partner's mum. No exceptions. no announcement of his birth or pictures on social media until we have done this ourselves first

after that post as much as you like about him wash your hands before holding and touching him no kissing on his face i don't care if you're related to him if he cries hand him back to me or his dad i don't care if you think you can settle him we won't be traveling to introduce him to anyone bar elderly grandparents if you want to meet him you come to us absolutely no unannounced visits no unsolicited advice on how we are choosing to do things times have changed and we will do what we feel is best please do not visit if you're unwell or you have kids at home that are unwell if you didn't bother to check in on me during my pregnancy don't bother now fucking hell she's narcissistic do you think yeah do you know what i think about that

entitled self full of self also like people have babies every day every day shut the fuck up have your baby piss all right then i don't want to see your baby anyway so fine like she's making you can't see my baby all right then i'll go and see my mates because everyone's having them she for me do you have no rules that you'd put in place yeah i do i have my own rules but i don't feel the need to put a list and put them on my instagram what would your rules be lauren um so this time round my rules would be the only honestly out of there washing hands before picking the baby up but i don't feel like i would just say go and wash your hands will you before pick her up i don't feel like that needs to be written down yeah i had signs um with saskia

not signs but like i had hand gel plate a big to make it clear a big one placed on every like three corners as she entered the room i probably would have walked past them all i bet i didn't wash my hands before i picked her up i've got a picture in your fucking house with shoes on as well when you've just had a baby or when you've got kids that's disgusting i wouldn't do that anyway you take your shoes off at the door don't you that's disgusting yeah so that would be one not kissing the baby honestly isn't something i ever thought about when thea was born have a look at this stuff that's going on since then the things that we've spoken about i would i would you can kill a baby i would think more of it back then if my friend kissed me and they did they did

kiss my baby and i kissed theirs but having read all that now yeah i would i would change that but i would just say when they were going to hold the baby we just go and wash your hands i wouldn't i don't feel the need to be so fucking obsessive about yourself handbags coats and shoes need leaving at the door do you know that your handbag has got as many germs on it as the bottom of your shoes because mine's on the floor right now so babies have got like no immunity you need to be really really careful um and we had winter babies so like people are poorly and stuff like one thing i would do differently this time this isn't a rule i would just make the choice that i probably other than immediate family wouldn't have any visitors for the first few weeks and that only

reason for that is my own energy energy and mental yeah yeah because i felt like i had to then get up get dressed yeah make people coffees so for that reason announced visitors no thanks no and i do know what i think i do agree with some of these points but i think putting them like that in a list and so everyone's just gonna bitch about in my opinion that list is an extremely negative list it is basically saying if you didn't speak to me don't come it to me that is someone looking to piss people off and looking to make a point and being self-obsessed and negative it's a negative list you've just had a baby how about what a lovely time that is you've just had an amazing baby you can't wait to show him to your friends and family what a negative looking for

shit list you just don't i wouldn't go to see that baby i know lauren sick eat your baby if you don't want to come anyway if you don't set boundaries which sometimes unfortunately you have to do it she's done that to piss the mother-in-law off you do that is a list that boundaries said to piss your mother-in-law off because some people are fucking not okay and they do try and do very odd things and i understand that but i just feel like if someone turned up unannounced i'd be like oh my god i'm so sorry you're gonna have to come back another day it's mental in here i wouldn't answer the door and then like my mum will see him then why does everybody need to know that

the only people that need to know that are they yeah oh yeah why has she written it yeah it's just what I mean the only people

that need to know it's a bit humiliating isn't it it's saying to the mother-in-law and you're second hon and there'll be no oh that's not very fair she's done it to piss her mother

I'm telling you she's got an interfering mother-in-law and she's talking alright let's piss her off well that's the good thing about fucking off down to London for me

to have the baby no one can because I just say no thanks when will you come home after the baby three nights I'll stay one of the best times

was the three nights i spent in hospital after i had fear yeah i stayed because i was we were poorly but still one of the best times i had three days me and my baby and my mum came and a few friends that was it and it was just it was one of my happiest times that's one of my nicest memories of just like getting used to having or just us before you go back to the real world i think that's important but yeah i am i think like they're saying who in what order doesn't why do we all need to know that we're not going to be the hospital i ain't going to try and turn up and hold your leg up while you push people do these word rules as well about pictures on social media for like their wedding

day and stuff yeah and i also think like it's kind of it's kind of obvious like i'm not gonna no one's gonna post your baby and so much if they do like shut up before where it says on the when you arrive like no pictures this is what i mean it's so full of self-importance oh my god i'm cringing you're not beyonce yeah this is what i mean and the kid isn't either so we like shut up What, no posting until the OK Magazine deal comes through, guys? Yeah, I just don't understand that. One thing I have been so... You feel a bit like being told off,

and then it makes you want to rebel. And this is what I mean, and this is the thing with the baby now. If that had been like, I don't want to see your baby now, how about that? And do you know what's going to happen to this woman? She's going to be sat there ready to tackle everyone, ready to have an argument,

and not one person's going to come round. She's going to be there ready to say, wash your hands, don't kiss my baby, and not one person... Imagine having a daughter-in-law like that. No one wants to see your baby. because really do you they're boring

cost you 50 quid 20 quid for a present I'd rather not if you don't come round I won't be arsed no I will come round I like you'll have to come round

to record anyway I like a baby I will come round I prefer them at Teddy's age that's them whenever I come round what's the first thing I do

pick him up that's my favourite age I think they're lovely Lukey's gonna meet him oh my god right we've got a slutty Sue coming at you

slutty Sue coming on at you you read it because I've just rambled hi girls and Lucas love the pod I've got a few slutty season

oh a few what a slag slutty you you slutty you few slutty season stories to tell you so brace yourselves no judging please

we don't judge unless sometimes we do not about this though just other stuff and keep me anonymous I went off the rails a few years ago

partying drinking shagging etc and I was shagging this scumbag man on and off for a year big eyed lashes

is this me he was well known for being a twat it's me um on christmas day invited me and a few friends to a hotel suite he had for the night who does that on christmas day drug dealer with some of his friends absolutely obviously we were all pissed and we ended up doing anal in the bathroom all of you no i think she just means them obviously we're all pissed full stop we ended up doing anal in the bathroom of his hotel later on after way more drinks my friends had gone home so it was me and his friends who I've never met there was a few double beds in the room so a few of them decided to get some sleep me and his friend were chatting and drinking and one thing led to another and I

ended up sleeping with him in the same bed that my mum was asleep in right next to him it felt so I bet that felt good it felt so naughty so I enjoyed it when it was over my man turned around and it turned out he'd been awake for the past hour listening to us oh my god he stormed out the hotel room at 7am and i chased after him why did you chase after him why down the road with no clothes on and i'd work at nine in the morning it was a rough boxing day to say the least imagine the anxiety so a month later the day before my birthday we had a toxic argument what he stayed with you after you shagged his mate in the same bed he was doing all sorts and wasn't he we had a toxic argument because i was going on a night out and i was pissed off the way he spoke to me

and treated me he did shag his mate so in revenge i met up with another one of his friends who wasn't at the hotel after this night out as i'd known him mutually for a while and i knew he knew i was seeing the twat i ended up having a foursome in a different hotel with him and his friends me being the only girl oh i'm interested more in this you want that's one of your fantasies isn't it getting gang bang can you tell us a bit more about this could you send us another one with more details of the foursome i'm interested what happens he then found out as his friend who was involved told him the next day and i thought it was funny but he deserved what he got he was the most vile human being and i don't regret it in the slightest he went around and told everyone

in the hometown so in a while for a while that's all i was known for plenty more where that came from oh i love this girl as if he got that lad had a foursome he'd be like he'd get be getting high oh my god he'd be high five yeah but if a girl then that's it you've got a rep weird isn't it um but i like you you're fantastic that's really good um but the logistics yeah i wonder the logistics the first one i'm also i don't understand how he got back with you after you were shagging his mate do you say like come on guys like all four of us how does that happen how does it go into that does one of you start with the other and then one by one and another dick pops in yeah i think they take it in turns or but i wouldn't feel very in control in that

next question men always get a bit carried away was it pre-arranged that you were all going to go and have sex or did all of you go and you were the only woman and then did you start kind of kissing one man take your clothes off and then one started watching them the other started wanking then the one by one joined in like how did this was it just one man to begin with like and how do you know when it's the end how do you know when it's over does every man come how at what point you say like okay then that was good like what do you when do you stop finished when does it stop please more of this anyway that's enough for today keep them coming in hello at nip tuck pod dot com or voice note or whatsapp more of them i love them basically just get in touch email us

get us on our socials on our socials basically it tells you all the ways that you can get in touch and we will be back with a bonus episode this friday it's all about you your dilemma you you you beauty questions anything you want to ask us ask away guys we love a little q a sesh so if you get something in now you might get to hear it on this friday's episode don't forget as well guys if you sign up to patreon you can watch full video episodes actually you find a lot out on there because you wouldn't believe the visuals and the hand motions that go on q and a's on there and yeah we do content we did a really good one the other week we literally just sat and answered all the questions that were sent in and we don't like no holds barred we just answered them straight up

so yeah we looked in our handbag the other day didn't we for someone love you all have the nicest week and we'll see you friday bye