Nip Tuck - The 'Bad Mum' Club

Episode Date: July 13, 2021

Before we begin... Nobody has got it all figured out when it comes to parenting! Ashley and Lauren have been called out for being so-called 'Bad Mums' but the chances are... you've got it wrong at some point and your mum probably got it wrong with you too – but that's normal!In this episode, Ashley and Lauren share the biggest mum fails, of theirs and yours, in a bid to prove to you all that just because you make a little mistake, you're not bad at being a mum.Don't forget to follow the podcast @ntngaf, Ashley @thecosmeticconsult and Lauren @laurenelizabeth_xx Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

here we are again it's wednesday it is nip tuck not giving a fuck we've had a ginger shot and we're ready to go okay so this week we are talking about mum fails oh in the last three years of my life has been a mum fail yeah so little ones funny ones big ones serious ones bit of a debate we'll get into on our parenting styles because they're very different and really we're here just to make you feel a bit better about your mom well i was gonna say that were you gonna take nicer yeah nicer so before we get into the goss how are you lauren anything to update us on i'm just always the same you've just called me a tasmanian devil which is exactly what i am i rush from place to place with like my hair all scruffy and my eyes

like wild and i'm rushing here rushing there trying to fit everything into the day and i'm still doing that i can't find a balance i say this every week but i can't i'm trying to just do less stuff but there's nothing that i can do less of what be less of a parent you don't understand this which we'll discuss later um but i have amazing child care i get you know i'm really lucky but that's for when I'm at work when I'm not at work I don't so I've used all my favors up by then so it's like when she's in nursery which isn't that often I'm rushing from place to place hair appointment um like I know I don't need my hair done but I can't get around like this anymore I'm still single and I feel like this is why because I've not had my roots done so yeah I'm just the

same I'm rushing around I'm trying to fit everything and I'm trying to be a good mum I'm trying to earn money I'm trying to be fit I'm chatting to people boys maybe maybe there's a boy I chat to maybe there's a few maybe there isn't any uh but even if there was I feel like right now I wouldn't have time to meet them either no you wouldn't I can't no opening in the diary there is not an opening there is no cock opening right now there is no space for a cock appointment so everything else is coming first I could put it in my diary anyway I've got no time for that so yeah I'm just the same as I always am which is a busy fool so to kick off I had an idea about us doing a quick fire round because we differ so much in our opinions on a

lot of things but parenting definitely so i'm gonna ask but it's not like we think each other is a bad mom no no we're just different i don't care you do what you're doing your kid's happy like i'm not asked yeah i'm busy thinking about why are other people so cursed about like and it's when they put their opinion on you they force their opinion on you or they don't even have to do that sometimes it's the judgy eyes yeah the judgy eyes where they look at you oh our mums have got more than one kid and they'll be like yeah who waits till you have your second yeah or they're like yeah you think it's bad now wait till the two wait till the three or when you're pregnant everyone tells you their birth story yes like you give a flying fuck but

listen to this listen to this though right i there's so many things that i do now that i said i never would do and i do that now i don't hate now i'm over it now for the first six months like anytime i met anyone they'd be like oh she's so cute and i'd be like yeah it was three hours i was induced and then i had an epidural and you do do that and i said i would never do that but i also said i would never put y's the letter y on the end of things you're like in a mumsy way and i'm really really bad for it now i make like little names up and my mum looks at me like what the fuck so i'll be like do you want your bot bots like and she's like whoa so i do that no so yeah the whole giving their opinion on things like oh she's got a dummy or yeah and

then oh how old is she yeah oh you're 16 fuck off you're not breastfeeding are you okay so we need to do a quick fire round let's say what we both think and then we'll we'll talk about why okay so are we gonna run through like the questions and then no i think we do one and then discuss each one okay cool ready one two three dummy or no dummy dummy so i think up to you don't give a fuck what you what you want to do however for thea oh my god what i couldn't live without that dummy that when are you gonna get rid of it you need to get rid of it i agree no i agree i'm i know oh sorry no i i fully agree i absolutely agree that she needs to get rid of this dummy she's three and a half and she still has it i don't like it when it's in her mouth it doesn't

look nice i'm embarrassed a little bit by it however as you know the whole teeth the teeth teeth are affected by it they're starting to look a little bit like goofy so i know i need to get rid of it but i'm just struggling to find like i'm as you know i'm so important and so busy it's knowing that i'm gonna have to go through hell for a short period of time and i just every week i think right do it this week and i'm thinking i've got loads on this week i'm really i'm so tired i can't do it just throw them all in the bin maybe and also putting her through it she loves that dummy and it hurts like she goes dodo and then when she gets up in the morning yeah like maddie off the simpsons and i'm not ready to let the baby go i know i need to do it and i swear it's

on my to-do list next one okay next one in their own bed or sleeping with mummy in bed sleeping with mummy no i had a sleep trainer yes you did i thought that was savage at the time you know oh you had an opinion no but this is the thing we can you can have your own opinion can't you like you just said and you can think it but you would i would never even actually make that she's been in my bed this week because she's been really poorly so she has actually slept with me and how have you found it horrific she kicks me yeah yeah and then it's like the grunts yeah no i agree i get it but yeah i had a sleep trainer from when sass she's six weeks six weeks old and this woman basically came around to the house for three days and broke it's called like

breaking them in it's like honestly sounds like something really it was absolutely terrifying like so what she did was it's all about like nap times in the day have to be bang on i've always been bang on with stuff like that yeah but i wasn't okay um and there wasn't like any babies in my family or anything so i didn't know anything about babies none of my friends had had really babies that i was around a lot so anyway she came around and we used to sit outside the room start off with like two minutes then you go and controlled crying yeah and you had to crawl in in the dark and pat them no eye contact wow and she put her in like this swaddle no thing i'm just um but it worked and she went into her own bedroom and she's a happy kid so much happier in the day

and she would get more out of the day um and then i just think if especially like if you've got a partner it's not okay for the kid to be sleeping in bed with you it can ruin relationships yeah i think i believe with parenting every situation is different our life situations are so different so thea is in my bed with me but she wasn't she has been the most amazing sleeper since she was quite young she had her own car she's been fantastic and then when i ended up single and one night she came into my bed and i i'll be honest selfish selfishly let her do it because i wanted the comfort and i actually really enjoyed it i understand she does move and kick but she's not that bad and i actually enjoyed it so that then carried on and it's gone on for six months

now but i now don't really want to change it because actually in my opinion she's only little ones it works for us we get in bed at night because i'm working all the time i feel like i don't see her yeah cuddle and like she's so cute she puts her little arms around my neck we fall asleep like that when we wake up she rolls over and she's like good morning mama and it's and i just think that's my time with her and yes i could probably cut it off but in a couple of years that's gone and that ain't ever coming back and for me i might not have another child i honestly do not judge you in the slightest but it wouldn't work for you you've got a partner now what's gonna happen when i get a partner i don't know um and i will but that's another thing and this is another

thing it's another thing that i'm getting round to like the dummy i will do it but she's so comforted by me and you know what else she does she goes mummy warm skin and she wants to lie on my warm skin anyway yeah it's really mumsy and i didn't think i'd be like this but i am next nanny or no nanny no nanny now i say no nanny however that's because of my situation i can't afford a annie would i have one if i could i feel like i don't know if i'd have one as full-time as yours is but i think i would love to call it's child care well yeah whatever you want to call it so i work such long hours it's like i need help with pick up and drop off some days i work long hours and i have to pick up and drop off so i probably would get the help if i could yeah and it's the

the pick up and drop off like it takes such a big chunk of your day honey i know no but it does that's where i've got the help is is sometimes we pick up and drop off from nursery and then if i go out with my friends um she'll come and help out and she's like it's amazing i'm not saying that i wouldn't have a nanny like i said i think a lot of people oh my god she has a nanny mate if you could afford one you probably would have one and how helpful when you go on holiday oh holiday nana do you know what somebody once wrote on that shit website that lauren takes the mom on holiday to look after the baby are you fucking kidding i've taken my mom on holiday since before i had her she's a grandma like what but yeah and also here's a quick one what about on holiday kids

clubs and stuff what do you feel about that because i i i went to one it was off stead inspected and whatever and yeah i put her in that thing for a few hours so i could sunbathe and drink mojitos and did she enjoy it of course she did it's like nursery she loved it she loved it more than me being like shut up i'm sunbathing maybe i've got like ptsd from some shite kids that my mom sent me to in like while she was living it all yeah while her and my dad were pissed yeah and um yeah i think actually yeah yeah do you remember when you were younger like those shit discos on holiday i was sandy in greece once i feel like now it's like that stuff doesn't happen anymore and it's really sad yeah because everyone's scared of pedophiles and shit like

that i'm like i just feel like no one's as relaxed as they once were like your mum and dad would sit having a drink like just laughing at you all in the little disco thing yeah and now it's like you can't do that anymore and again i think it's because everyone's judging each other on what parents they are like if you've had a few wines you shouldn't have your child that kind of thing yeah but we're fine yeah we're fine i'm great okay next one boob or bottle bottle again when i say this this is just because this is what i did and what you did yeah i don't care if you want to let your child swing from your breast do it all day i'm not so the 10 i'm not arsed i did bottle because i've had an uplift and i thought there was quite a good chance that i wouldn't be

able to breastfeed so for that reason you psyched yourself psyched myself up that i wouldn't be able to and actually do you know what it's good that i did because a lot of my friends when they had their kids were really pushed into breastfeeding by the midwives now i was like i'm not going to be able to so i got no pressure a lot of my friends really got pressured they are so pressuring when i went like to look around the hospital i had him a planned cesarean we'll talk about our birth stories yes we'll do that another time and i said to them like so where where will i go on the hospital tour and like everyone turned around and looked at me like a piece of shit and i was like okay um but with the breastfeeding like it's just not a thing that i ever wanted to do

i bought those little sanitary what are they called pre-pet little junky things yeah i got that thing that you have to do to sterilize sterilize like pre-sterilize because who wants to be fucking around with a newborn and bottles and all that stuff and you know i can understand why you would want to breastfeed it's got hundreds of benefits and actually it means that your skin shrinks back yeah and it's good it's good for the baby weight loss and stuff oh yeah amazingly but i just i do anything to make my life easier as you can see and that's my choice but some people think that it's easier to do breast because you're not sanitizing bottles which i actually agree with as well i was really um immature about breastfeeding i'm not gonna lie before i had

a friend breastfed and i was like oh that's disgusting and i was just really childish and then even when i was still pregnant i was like no no and then when she was born obviously i didn't think i would be able to so i'd psyched it all up for bottles and then on day three these huge coconuts came and this milk was like coming out my nip so i was like got her and i was like looking around the room like really sheepish like is anybody looking and i got her got a little head and i was like literally looking like i was doing something really naughty got it put her on my boob and i was like looking around like what is this she sucked it a bit but not a lot so i just like pulled did you ever try okay no so by the time my milk came in and i'd already been bottle feeding

it and i just didn't i'm not i didn't really want to i wanted other people to be able to feed her um but i meant did you try the milk oh no but what i did once and about oh god i don't know when it was about a year ago me and my friends went out and one of my friends was expressing so she could have a drink because there's some rules about drinking and expressing and she had to express we were out on the night out she was like i need to express it's coming out so we went in the toilet she expressed um and then we i got to put it in a shot glass and i took a shot of it or her breast milk i'd have to try it one day okay right c-section or natural birth c-section all the way well and no see i say c-section because that's what i had but i am natural

if i could have done i went i went hours and hours and hours trying to have a natural one everyone you need to exercise your right to giving birth in any which way you choose so get rid of this myth that having a c-section is for rich people or lazy women or not good mums it's not true everyone is entitled to give birth in any which way you want so all you need to do at your midwife appointment is go in and say i've decided i am having a c-section and they have to let you have that choice now so do you not have to go private no can you with the nhs can you say i am having a c-section anyone is allowed to patient choice is a massive thing now yeah and anyone is allowed to give birth in whichever way water pool yeah um at home c-section um no drugs

all of that but if you decide that you want to have a c-section so i had really bad anxiety about the whole thing and it's just like organization of it and everything and also mental health you need that needs to be okay when you've worked with a lot of gynecologists um at my previous job and some of the stuff that i saw like in later life after people have had traumatic traumatic births and it's very very hard to fix like for example a prolapse or something so i just thought i'm gonna have this planned c-section you go in for a consultation and it was all done at Wythenshawe Hospital on the NHS and it was amazing but I would also love to experience the natural and this is why I I've been so natural so Theo was breech towards the end of

my pregnancy and they said you may have to have a section I was devastated like I was because I wanted to experience and this is quite bad like the best experience yeah and this is quite bad because it might be like the media and stuff like that but I felt like I wasn't my my job as a woman was to deliver a baby out of my vagina honestly i don't think that now i never thought no that's how it made me feel and i thought i need to push her out like in all the films and everything i need to push that baby and i wanted like that moment when the waters break or that moment when you're like mom mom i'm in labor because you know i love the fucking drama so i wanted i've waited for the all this time i wanted to be in marks and spencers oh i did you get a bouquet of flowers

i wanted all those things and i wanted my partner holding my hand and i just wanted the film i bet it's because of films and stuff i wanted this thing so i was devastated anyway she turned um but i ended up having a section anyway after 12 hours of agony i've got friends who've literally like torn everything and then they've ended up having a section anyway no this is the thing this is in the end you could end up with it anyway how many weeks were you i was over yeah exactly she was eight pound two i had saskia on day of 39 weeks like so you say like two weeks yeah you know what you're doing i just think completely if i was to go again um anyone out there want to impregnate me if i was to go again i would try natural again i would because i think the recovery

from a c-section is not okay it's not that easy people think always i mind you i was on my own with a baby and i couldn't move and stuff but i just think it's not an easy option though i don't like it when people say that you have so many muscles womb everything cut to get the baby out when people say oh it's for lazy people and it's it's not it's not every way you give birth is fine whatever calpol or cuddles both calpol yeah and cuddles yeah both so some mums don't believe in giving babies calpol on your friend what would you do why don't they believe in it is it because just like putting stuff in the body yeah and there's also mums isn't there that don't vaccinate their kids well that's interesting that because i think it's just she was called up for that thing

that they put up the nose was it the flu one oh i didn't i didn't take her and you know why i just didn't have time and i felt like do you know what she needs to build up an immunity yeah she's a strong little fat kid she will fight it but the other ones i did yeah well i think i paid privately to have them done in stages because supposedly that's better for them but i must admit i don't know enough about this to talk about this i couldn't i couldn't say whether it's right or wrong i just do what's right for me at the time so i don't know about calpol is it right i don't know i even had her vaccinated actually for chicken pox did you know you can do that no i was advised that if she hadn't had chicken pox before she was one to get her vaccinated because after one chicken

pox is really bad didn't know that did thea have chicken pox no she's not had it as sass had it no she's had the injection oh so she don't get it at all then no no in america they do it like oh well i'm well i don't know fuck can anybody quickly give me a number for a vaccine for chicken pox for a vaccine for an annoying toddler okay so this is one that i know we have polar opposite views i know what it's gonna be it's the fucking ear piercing isn't it it's not right it's not right if your kid's ears are pierced no because you've put your kid through pain it's not painful what it's not it really hurts does it yeah i can't remember you've got you've had a needle shoved through his ear hole it's a gun she likes her earrings i don't agree with it and that's that

But I'm not judging, however, however, I'm not judging. I don't care if she's got her ears pierced and she likes it, fine. But I just think I wouldn't do it. But whatever, she's happy, don't care. We move. We move! So, parenting styles. Ours are different.

What would you describe your style as? I don't think you're very mumsy. No, I'm not. What's your style? i don't have i think the thing is when you haven't had a child and it's your first you're just winging it as you go along like you don't know until it happens what your style is i'm all about ease ease yeah make it as easy as possible but i'm also all about routine yes same routine is key like this little person needs routine yes i agree otherwise they feel really out of source

I 100% agree I've been the same since she was born strict routine and I sometimes I was a bit too like I would be like

no can't do that it's one o'clock yeah but and I've loosened it a bit but yeah I agree routine very very much so I am more mumsy

than I expected to be I'm not maternal I don't like do you go to like baby cells yeah I don't like kids I don't like other

people's kids that much I'm not maternal however she came along and I was literally obsessed with her like just i'm still obsessed with my child i'm just not mumsy yeah you're just not mumsy and i but i

became the quite mumsy and i'll take her to the play groups i hate everyone at the play groups except my own friends but i'll take her and i'll do those things with her and i actually didn't put her in nursery until well after i should have done because i couldn't oh my god i'm embarrassed even saying this how i couldn't bear for her not to be with me i didn't think i'd be like that i was like no anytime i've got that spare she should be with her mother and then my mum was like you're been ridiculous okay pet peeves on parenting so people have said judgy mother-in-laws yeah and mother-in-laws having input on certain why do they think they can because they're a mother yeah they've been a mother for yeah and they brought up a dusty ass son well done like they they are

they can be really hard work i'm so lucky um my mother-in-law me and her get on really well and i deal with her more than thea's dad probably yeah and she's sound however at the beginning not just her do you think it's your hormones and it's in your head though yeah i think at the beginning you are so you're a psycho you're up the wall and you're like don't tell me what to do it's the sleep deprivation yeah yeah like that hits hard like honestly can you imagine like now it's every 30 minutes you were woken up in the night and it was just like a blur like a days were nights nights were days and you're just trying to keep this your hormones are all over the place like you've got and then you've got somebody coming in yeah trying to be like what

did you say before the best oh yeah like always one of my friends said that her mother-in-law was like the baby needs a vest on the baby needs a vest on why do they always say the best and the baby's too hot baby's too cold yeah the baby's not thea never had socks on never ever no she had bare feet because she just pulled them off but and once i went to the trafford center and i was pushing around and somebody looked and said your baby's not got socks on i was like yeah because i don't want to a lady came over to me in the supermarket and said why is your baby not got socks on who are these people i don't know i don't know it's weird it's just so weird i don't get it but yeah i think mother-in-laws i think they try the best and i also think it's because so this is

a theory i have and this is a bit out of parenting but mums of boys yeah they're a different breed mums of boys if they haven't got a girl they only have boys they're only one they're protective they're a bit weird with it i think like a little bit over the mark of how much they love the son and they almost like they know that they're never gonna have a daughter that has a baby so this baby is their only girl this is their thing and i do think they can be odd we need to have a hopeful thing about mother of boys because they're weird if you're a mother of a young boy don't turn into that mother stop now so someone else is texting about people coming around to your house and this hit home massively with me i didn't want people to come around to my house and people probably felt

like oh she's had the baby now for three weeks i really need to go around and because they feel like they have to yeah probably don't even want to they probably don't want to i didn't want them to and then also everyone comes around and i end up having to feed them clean all of the cups of tea afterwards another thing that like literally upsets me i remember um someone coming in my house and wearing shoes on the carpet and and it just made me my blood boil we like ready to yeah yeah i was like oh my god that's disgusting like that's where the baby plays my mom has a rule that if you're gonna visit you only go and visit a new baby if you're going to help with one thing while you're there

and she still she stands by it and she tells me to do it with my friends because I'm not that thoughtful so she'd be like you either take them a meal you go round and offer

to do the washing up the hoovering you go and you do something while you're there like have a shower while I watch the baby have a shower while you offer a service

while you go because that's what please people can we normalise like doing that I don't want you to come round and if you don't want

someone to come round let's normalise saying I don't I was the opposite so I was so like wanting to show her to everyone that i totally did the wrong thing which was let everyone come around my head was up my arse i

tried to look good and be i wanted everyone to think i was super mom um so i tried to keep the house perfect everyone coming hi come in and i tried to do this and it was just if i was to go again that's not how i'd be i would be on my own i think some of the covid babies that have been born people have moaned about it but actually they've not had the pressure to get dressed to have time off work no one's been able to come around it's just you and your baby with nothing else in the world and i didn't do that and as well i'm really the covid thing like i put hand sanitizers on every table in my house when i just i wasn't like because i was so scared of germs and did you know that coats and handbags have got the same amount of germs on as the the soles of your

feet so when people would come in on the floor your bag yeah i would say to them please like well i told my partner at the time i was like your job is to make sure when people come in coats and bags and shoes by the door and everyone sanitizes see i wasn't like that as you know i'm not that kind of person yeah i oh no but i kissed my friend's baby the other day when i went to see her and i know she wouldn't have minded i kissed her on the head i didn't kiss her in her mouth but i know she wouldn't have minded and i didn't mind people kissing thea i'm not like that though i'm not a germy person and can i just say thea is never i could count on my hands probably twice and she's not even that ill that she's been ill in her life and i am i'm not the cleanest i'm

clean i'm not the most like i don't overkill it if i drop a dummy i suck it and give it a back do you know like i and she's never ill i swear to you she's never ill because she's got an immune system no disagree someone was telling me that their child got meningitis um when it was very young and they were in marks and spencer with it and just be careful it's in some countries they actually just stay in the house with the baby for like the first three months but then how does it immunity i just think they're so small so precious at the beginning aren't they um i was gonna oh yeah so the other day me and my friend were shopping and she went ashley look over there sorry i was judging there was this probably three year old in a pram and it had a sign

on the front of the pram saying please don't touch me my my little body can't handle the germs Oh, no, but was it poorly? I didn't look it. No, just had a sign. Wow, okay. I might get one of those. Please don't touch me. Please don't touch me.

I'm very, very, very badly damaged. I'm going to put one to boys. Please don't mess me around. I'm very damaged. So let's get into the mum fail stories. My fave. I actually can't think of any. Like, life is just a bumbling mess.

i'm never with mine so you wouldn't have any mistakes it's like what sam said when it's like the more you're asleep the less mistakes you can make the less hours in the day to fuck up um yeah i've done loads of stuff like once i remember you can get this pram car seat thing by the way anyone that is about to have a baby or has just had one get a doona oh my god the doonas it's unreal it's a car seat and when you press a button the little wheels stick out and it turns into a pram anyway i used to use that all the time i had like loads of different prams big ones small ones expensive cheap everything anyway this little pram was unreal because she'd fall asleep in it and it's so small and inconspicuous in a restaurant you'd just pop it pop it under the table um and

you know enjoy your lunch with your friends and i was going up a pavement and it hit the pavement because it's so small and um fell over like who was it peaches oh i don't think she's dead now but that picture's iconic yeah it was like that go on lozza so i've got so many funny ones like a million funny ones but i actually want to talk about a serious one we're going to be serious for once right now okay um this is serious and the reason this is serious and i'm going to share it with you is because i think there's so much judgment put on mums and we do make mistakes and then we think we're the worst mum in the world and if anybody listens to this and thinks oh i didn't fuck up that bad then it will make me feel

better so when thea was three weeks old and i just started to kind of get handle of looking after her does that ever happen no but i thought it did she was only three weeks i had no idea it was to come um and i was doing making her a bottle and i had it in one arm um i was on my own as usual and i had it in oops in one arm and i was boiling the kettle for a bottle in the other and i shouldn't have done that that was dangerous anyway and as I went to pour the kettle I actually knocked the kettle it fell across the kitchen top her feet were on the kitchen top in my other arm if that makes sense and it burnt boiling freshly boiled water on a three-week-old on her feet so obviously she screamed the place and I'm literally oh my god I'm sorry so I'm sorry I was literally like

apologizing apologizing I ripped a baby girl off put it under the cold water this could go on forever so I'll try and make it quicker um long story short we went to A&E and her dad came with me for a bit and uh i got sent then in an ambulance to the salford i think it's salford royal burns unit and everywhere i went they questioned me on how it happened because they thought i might have abused her which i understand they have to do i was hysterically sobbing i've not slept for three days because i've done every night feed since she was born and then we got to the burns unit and me and her were put into a room and she just kept looking at me honestly it was the most heartbreaking thing with these eyes and i was like i'm so sorry and she was so good she

was so good she didn't cry it's like she knew so listen to what they did so went into this unit thing and i'd been awake at this point for days um and they said listen what we're gonna and this is after questioning me so many times as if i'd hurt her they said what we're gonna have to do we have to take the blisters off her feet and i was like what do you mean yeah i swear so i went into this room and they said you're gonna have to hold her and they got a scrubbing brush type thing i swear it was the most traumatic experience of my life and they scrubbed no pain relief because she was too young the blisters off her feet while i held her down it was i oh my god what were the blisters like were they bad yeah they were quite bad now they were small but on a small person's

foot that's her whole foot they were tiny blisters but her foot was tiny um and yeah and then i had to stay there with her foot was bandaged up and do you know what she was unreal she just kept looking at me as if to say like it's okay don't worry so that was okay now she's got a little scar on them and they were fine but i didn't tell anyone and then the health visitor rang me two days later came around because they obviously had to kind of do you have to assume that i'd done it on purpose and honestly as a new mum with a three-week-old to have done that to her and i was kind of on my own it was i was on my own the whole time i went in the ambulance on my own it was the most traumatic experience and my mum said to me which i'll never forget and i think it's good

advice to everyone she said lauren it's the first but it will not be the last unfortunately this will not be the last time you're in a and e with her and if you are 90 of the caregiver then it's probably going to happen on your watch and she was like this will happen again so anyone who anything awful's happened to shit happens like we're not perfect can we just talk about what are they called how condescending and patronizing those health visitors when they first not all of them i had a good one just in case any are listening when you first have a baby i think it's towards the end of your pregnancy they like come around to inspect the house it's so and no one told me that this would happen so this woman comes in the house trying to like adopt a

dog they do that and like um she had to look around the house and like i had to show where the baby was gonna sleep and stuff that must be because you're from cheshire because that didn't happen to me yeah and then and then she said um are you being abused like asking me all these questions but to be fair just think some people are yeah yeah yeah so you get why but it just makes you feel like what yeah it was just awkward yeah scary and then when the midwives came around as well afterwards that was weird it is the whole thing's really weird very weird no one ever told me anything no so as always we've asked you for your stories and some of your kids are actually lucky to be alive to be honest yes some were like a bit much but we don't judge so we've kept it

light-hearted and we're going to read you some of the funny ones so this one is one of my really favorite ones that i found hilarious so one of you's written in and said some mini monkey thing jumps on my pram at the zoo which zoo was this because that was dangerous rather than save my child and push the pram down an embankment with the child in it that's easily done luckily a family at the bottom caught the pram and the child before it went in the pond i get that though a monkey comes at you you fight or flight you're gonna push the pram and the monkey away and thank god that that child got saved another one that i really love is this one so i picked my little boy up from school he's about five at the time he came out of school and he was just moaning

answering back just being a general pain i was trying to be so positive and saying oh have you had a good day babe you know how you do yep i know you're trying to ignore it after what felt like the longest 10 minutes of trying to keep calm with a never-ending trail of abuse from my child i snapped and said stop being a little dick completely mortified at myself they slip out though don't they yeah it literally just slipped right out i looked behind me and the mum standing there was absolutely disgusted let's just say if looks could kill so this has happened to me quite a few times you know um i have said under my breath arsehole dickhead um because sometimes they are and i remember being on the phone once in asda and thea had ran off and she was honestly

just being really horrible oh why did they do that on purpose and i was on the phone to my friend and she said where's thea and i was like fucking god knows she's ran off and hopefully hopefully someone takes her anyway i turned around obviously she wasn't there she was in the other aisle and this couple were just staring at me as if to say you terrible mother and i meant it at that moment in time not us she was hard work next i've got a little mum fail that i did myself which i felt absolutely horrific about it was quite funny before sasky's christening i had a quite dark spray tamp and she was really little so she was in and out of bed with me and in the morning she had half a brown face where my tan had transferred onto her and i actually think that

this honestly does happen quite a lot i think this is quite common i've heard of people doing this before would you dye your kid's hair my friend tinted her um toddler's eyebrows i've got a story about this isn't the any tears doing um so i've heard of someone who bleached both of their kids hair from literally when they were like really little and they got reported for it really yeah why would you bleach the hair because they wanted a blonde kid yeah people are so weird okay so we need to make sure we don't mention names because bleaching kids hair like that's awful but we're not judging i can see some things yes sometimes we do so one of the stories that we got actually isn't about a mum fail it's about their mum failing but we couldn't every day all

day every day but we couldn't not share it because i just think it's really really funny so i'm gonna to show it so here's the message sorry this isn't actually what you asked for but it just reminded me me and my family went to i'm already laughing went to thailand when i was young and we went to a buddhist temple lovely cultural glad they did that my mum went to the my mum went to the bathroom and it was more of a toilet shower hole do you know the ones where there's just a hole in the floor yeah yeah so she obviously squatted down she had her knickers around her i'm laughing she had her knickers around her ankles and it was really wet because it's like a shower room type thing as well and she slid head first out of the door out onto the courtyard where

all the monks were praying arse in the air knickers down and scraped all her knees across the floor away and had to be and had to be carried to the car with her pants around her so it's not a mum fail but my mum's most embarrassing fail this has just reminded me my dad used to work abroad and um he used to work in like quite underdeveloped countries i used to go and live there with him which is why i'm so you know cultural and wise and one of the places was at the time ukraine and it was really behind at the time anyway quick story he had a few drinks with his mates and he used to wear white linen suits like a blessing with like other hats you know like an expat and he went to the toilet and again it was a hole in the floor which when i

lived there it was as well you had to squat mate so he had these like you know like cowboy shoes things pointy dad shiny shoes so he squatted down because he really needed a poo to do the poo my mum will laugh listening to this he then slipped into his own poop oh and the toilet was in it was like um you know a winding staircase in the middle of the restaurant so there wasn't an easy way you know so he sat there covered in shit and he was bowing his mates and they weren't answering and he had to go to the top of that richard richard david Devin, Devin, I've shit, I've fallen in my shit. And apparently they were like, you've what?

And he's like, I've fallen in my own shit. Somebody needs to... So eventually... Oh, I love a good poo story. I love a poo story. So they went down and got him some spare stuff. But yeah, he was in there for half an hour, just sat in his own shit going,

Richard, I've shit on myself. Sorry, I just had to share that because you know I love my stories. Cool story, bro. Okay, so thank you so much for listening again this week. Follow us on Instagram. our podcast page is at n-t-n-g-a-f it's a hard one sorry that's how you do it our personal pages are at the cosmetic consult and at lauren elizabeth underscore xx see you guys soon

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