Nip Tuck - The Nip Tuck 2 Year Anniversary Special

Episode Date: May 19, 2023

The 19th of May marks a very special day in the Nip Tuck calendar. It's the podcasts 2 Year Anniversary! To celebrate, Ashley & Lauren re-live the Top 5 favourite moments so far as voted by you.PLUS, the girls have a huge announcement to make, which is only going to bring you The Nip T's and the girls even more worryingly closer...To sign up for Patreon for more exclusive content and full video episodes, click this link: https://patreon.com/niptuckpodTo get involved with the show, you can send us a DM on Instagram and TikTok, find us @niptuckpod.Or you can email [e-mail] can also send us your beauty questions, icks, dilemma's and Slutty Susan confessionals via WhatsApp! You can text or voice note the girls on [phone] Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

hi guys and welcome to nip tuck not giving a fuck bonus is the bonus now this is the podcast where we celebrate being positive positive aspirational women this is all about being unapologetically ourselves and allowing everyone else and everyone else and just being unapologetic as melissa's wardrobe would say it's a lifestyle hun who's that i saw somebody tagged someone tagged her the other day oh my god she's absolutely her recommendations um she's an influencer and she's stormzy stylist she's a stylist so i saw a picture of stormzy and then i saw she's and i thought i wonder who melissa is um her skin care recommendations and beauty ones

go and have a look and Melissa's wardrobe I'm on it she's made a brand called It's a Lifestyle Hun because I've heard people saying this

whenever people get influenced by her they go It's a Lifestyle Hun I love that don't you oh we should have thought of this damn

let's think of something instead instead all we talk about is funny dingle dangles like yeah we're messed up

a bit higher class than us right remember on Nip Tuck we want you to get your voice heard so you can email us hello at niptuckpod hello

and you can get in touch via WhatsApp, so this means voice notes as well we can play them out in future episodes but don't worry if you want to if you don't want anyone to know who you are if you're telling a big secret we'll never reveal who you are just head to this episode's description

for more information we want to know what's been getting on your tits what's giving you the ick dilemmas, funny stories, sex stories, anything like if you're sharing some good stuff with us

yeah like a bit of a bit of sex things I like advice just advice from you juicy yeah

gatekeepy stuff don't gatekeep tell us yeah hacks bargains the whole lot we want to know the whole lot the shebang basically

we don't we don't go off that beep anyway Ash happy birthday happy anniversary

happy anniversary it's our two year anniversary mate two years we right just stop for a second you didn't even know what a podcast was two years i've still not listened to any others really right let's just two years ago right i remember where i was i was pulling up outside my friend's house and we'd just spoken on the phone and you'd said you know what fuck this i because i we had a lot of shit off people online and we were like we want to set the story straight people are saying this and like i shouldn't care but i kind of want to put that straight so we were going to do a live we were going to do a live do you remember i said

let's just do a live let's sit there and then i was like no we're going to do a podcast and i was like what she's like i've messaged we're going to do a podcast and i went into the house and i can literally remember it i said to my friend becky i'm doing a podcast and she's like all right what's that i was like i don't know really but i'm going to give it a try we're going to turn up we're going to do one episode put everyone straight we're going to do one episode and that's it and then I remember vaguely recording the first one and it was actually a lot I enjoyed it do you remember just being like oh this is yeah this is we were naturals from the beginning yeah I feel like we actually we we just got it we did it in like one take went to number two in the UK

so number two or number seven we're number seven in one and number two in another category there was two we did there was two different things yeah yeah I think it was number seven in the whole of the uk like all all the categories and number two in our category yeah and i was at the gym and my phone it went out and i was like oh sam my podcast's out today i'll have to listen didn't really think much of it i was doing my weights my phone was like so i picked it up and it was our producer at the time charlie was lovely and she was like girls and we looked and i didn't even know there was a podcast top yeah 10 and 20 and we were in it and then we were like shit gonna have to do so we were then like trying to get um another date in the diary

we were like oh fuck right okay we're gonna have to do another when can you do so then we did another and then that was and then we were oh another and then we set mondays to our day yeah and then we said but it just came i i didn't expect this did you no and it was all funded by ourselves at the beginning yep so it was you know we were chasing our tails in something didn't we and we just it was there was a community forming and everyone was being really nice and i felt like there wasn't really anything out there like this in the uk um not quite like this where you were literally unfiltered where people can come and listen and i mean it's a bit chaotic it's not it's chaotic and we say we're gonna do stuff then we don't sometimes it's that kind of thing but

it's real it's very very real but we could not have done it honestly without the love and support that we've had off thousands of people. So thank you. And it's a celebration today. And we are going to talk about your favourite bits, I think, aren't we, Lauren? So we put a little poll. Poll? Is it a poll or a poll?

A poll. To ask what your favourite moments were. Now, some of you, quite a lot of people, obviously we've done this for two years, but not everyone started listening two years ago. Some of you did. Hello, shout out. I feel like people have...

I think people go back though. Once they listen, they go back. How nice is it having a binge of something? Yeah, it's like a series binge. So I think a lot of you will have done, but for those who haven't, there is some funny stuff. Yeah. Funny, funny moments.

Some of them that I don't know if I want to relive, but it looks like we're going to. So these are your top five ones. Now, this, I think, is a good episode to send to your friends if you're thinking they might want to listen to this part. It's a taster. So we're going to run through your top five. And first up, we have, coming in, it was very, very close.

In fifth place, we have Pot Noodle, Bombay Bad Boy. Right, so this is the Pot Noodle. This is one of our amazing listeners. Hey, girls. This is one of your loyal Scottish listeners here who absolutely loves the episode, which did the accents, used it very, very well because a lot of the accents that we get are shocking her voice is warped by the way but this

is an absolute belter of a story but if my voice is played on the podcast i would genuinely jump off the cliff so if this could be anonymous that would be amazing but it's too funny to not tell you because oh my god i will literally take it to my grave only two of my friends know my mum knows and now my daughter knows who's approaching her teenage years so well so basically met my now boyfriend three years ago very early days this was like we met in december then long came valentine's day in february so by this point still hadn't met my daughter so he was just coming to the house and saying over and stuff when she was away which sometimes was unplanned night so he would stay a bit longer than planned which you know can be

catastrophic when it comes to poo i was the most insecure person i would even say the word fart in front of him for i mean i still even to this day don't poo in front of him or even talk about it but anyway he says over the night before and at this point i am dying for a shit and i mean dying like my stomach is in bits i'm in actual pain because i've held it in for three days because that's how long he lingered on in the house for and I'm thinking when the fuck is he going to go because this was touch and go

and Valentine's Day morning came and he's like right I'm going to go to the shop dead early I'm going to go get a haircut I'm thinking fuck I'm actually going to die here so Valentine's Day morning comes he doesn't go to the shop as planned in the morning and I'm at this point

like close to death the sweat is dripping off my forehead I can't even speak properly I'm pacing about the living room like oh my fucking god I'm going to shit myself I'm thinking right I'm just going to have to do it when he's here or not then he goes right I'm just going to go for a shower

there was tears in my eyes I did not know what I was going to do he goes for a shower and then my goonie down the stairs on my house coat pacing up and down this living room the sweat is blinding me my hands are sweating my eyes are watering

I couldn't speak I couldn't think right I'm thinking what the fuck am I going to do i'm looking out in the back door i've got a little alleyway around but like by my back door i'm thinking i'm just gonna have to go and shut the alleyway i'm gonna have to shut in the fucking alleyway and get the one that was one of the dogs or something but then i'm thinking all the neighbors are gonna see time's ticking it's touching cloth i went to the kitchen and for some reason a pot empty pot noodle caught my eye a bombay fucking bad boy and i don't know what came over me i pulled my chamois bottoms down on valentine's day in my kitchen and i shat

in a pot noodle empty pot noodle cup and i quickly put it in a bag for life tied the tie ran it to the front door and put it in the green bin never spoke of it again and as i mentioned i told my mum because i tell my mum absolutely everything she was dying told my mum she makes the fucking big mistake of telling my daughter who's old enough to know better now my daughter obviously sees my boyfriend now anytime I tell my daughter off or anything she's obviously been warned not to say a fucking word anytime I tell her off or I start giving her a jip or something she walks into the kitchen oh mum do you fancy a wee pot noodle do you fancy a pot noodle then mum be looking at me like and I'm like you fucking dare and I know for a fact

it will come out one day and I don't know what the fuck I'm gonna do love it love it that that it's the fact that the daughter goes and goes do you want a pot noodle mom as if to say I'll tell him I'll be like let me have that piercing

I'm telling him that he's shat in the pot noodle thank you for that story we loved that one thank you okay in fourth place one of my favourites close to my heart actually

close to my heart this one really means a lot to me it's going to hurt to relive it but I'll do it for you guys it's going to be sad schmoffy can I tell you a really funny story is it funny or sick

both okay so um okay so we used to have a cat my mom used to have a cat and we had her for years and years and years and then my friends were around one day i was maybe like 16 and we went out to the garden we were playing probably not playing at 16 i don't know maybe smoking weed i don't know what we were doing we're doing something in the garden anyway we looked around the corner and toffee is dead like dead like stiff like this what like yeah but it had rigor mortis and everything dead like how old this is just tush so i go into my mom and i'm like toffee's fucking dead so my mom's like toffee's dead so we take we go outside we get toffee she's literally like this david's dead she's got like maggots coming out of the nose so i've not told you the funny thing

so we got a towel we wrapped her up we went outside listen listen listen and we my friends were like oh my god they had to get part of it so we did like a funeral because my friends were so they were like at the last minute like quick get in you were the you were the pallbearer are they called pallbearers

you carry her right you were the priest so we all went outside and my mum was like and she had her in her arms wrapped up and my friend dug a hole

and we stood there and we said a little prayer and my mum gave her a little kiss and I gave her a kiss and she was all maggots and she was and we buried her

and I was just like I can't believe this has even happened so now we're like sharing our favourite moments of Toffee's life and like all the stuff she used to do

and then there was like this noise and we were like what the fuck so we looked under the table and toffee was there alive and we'd buried someone else's cat and your mum had kissed it so my mum all of a sudden went toffee toffee and she went and it looked the exact same the exact we buried someone's fucking cat so someone's looking for that cat so if you had a tortoise old cat about 10 years ago i buried it but we gave it such a lovely funeral and my mum kissed it can i just add on to that so when my mum i don't know if she heard the episode someone must have told her and she was like you've missed like a pretty big

part of this so they forgot about it so obviously we went on with our day we'd buried someone's cat rest in peace next morning a fox had pulled toffee up so my mum said how did you not remember numbers that she came down we used to have a massive back garden with like bifold she looked out and thought what's that toffee had come back from the dead because a fox had dug it up and dragged it across the garden and when it wasn't our cat it wasn't cute anymore oh my god what did she do with it fuck knows i didn't ask her that it's a never-ending story disgusting right in third place this one i can see you now go this one will haunt me forever this is horrific time of my life

and I thought I'd tell you all because that's what we do on this pod this is number three so we were driving

it was all it all went very wrong and I don't want to go into detail much because I feel like I could get sued but we had a very bad time it was not nice

and as we were driving we had this argument and he ripped the ring off my finger wound the window down and supposedly threw it out the window I don't think he did

I think he pocketed it they say to do that One of my mum's friends did it. She went to throw it at her husband in an argument and caught it back. Yeah, so and pocketed it basically. He pocketed it, but I thought it had gone out the window and it was just next to dual carriageway.

This is another funny one. I can't not tell you guys this. So then I go home that night and I'm like, Mum, we're over. He's not going to... And because of the, remember the 20 grand loan? Yeah. She was like, we need the ring, Lauren.

25 grand. Yeah, we need the ring, Lauren. You can sell the ring to get the loan money back. To offset the loan, yeah. So guess what happened the next day? Me and my mum in a metal detector. at the side of the road. And it was a really busy

dual carriageway. So we went to the gym. People be pretty used to it. Yes, my mum's friend at the gym had a metal detector. So we went and got it and were there

at the side of a kind of not very busy dual carriageway with a metal detector with our hoods up so no one would see. And I thought, no one's going to know.

It was raining. I had my hood up and we're detecting this metal. It had never even gone there. I thought I realised that but he'd kept it clearly. It's not stupid. Did you ever get that money back off him?

No. It was going to be worth about 20 grand, that ring. He would never have thrown it. Anyway, we're there with metal detectors and me and my mum. I thought, no one's going to notice me next thing. My Instagram and Facebook. Have I just seen you on the John Carrey way? And everyone was messaging me like,

are you on the John Carrey way? On the 853? With a metal detector with your mum? And I was like, no. That's honestly the stories I have of my fucking life. And do you know what's really cute? Liz, my mum, is there. every fucking mistake I make

Liz with the glasses looking is there with the metal detector next to me like whatever it is she's there she is there and I keep her young right

do you know when the other week when I lost my phone that was giving metal detector at the side of the road vibes like so many people were messaging me like Lauren you're looking for a phone at the side of the road

how many of your stories as well start with it all went very wrong I need to be careful what I say I might get sued so basically there was with this guy and well it all went wrong um very very wrong um that's basically my life

everything that i do always goes very wrong no don't think like that we're on a good run well this hasn't gone wrong has it um right so second place love this love this one um the lady that sent this in thank you i got time for this one that's time for this number two i once bought this lad from my area home after we'd been out and to start off his dick was literally minute

oh no the smallest dick I've ever seen which is an ick in itself it's not fair because they can't do anything about it

and if it was a man writing in saying she had the shittiest tits I've ever seen we'd be going wild wouldn't we I agree it's not fair

it's not fair Lucas agrees with his tiny dick because it's actually out of their control but anyway it was small and that's that

yeah It was, it was small Very wrong Anyway, this podcast is about doing what we want But I want to say it Anyway, back to the story Drug Me obviously proceeded to sleep with him anyway Despite him having the smallest penis

Mountain man After like five minutes, I thought I'm going to have to get this over with So I was on top, I really started getting fun How funny is it when you think I've had enough now, so you're like and you're sweating and you're counting

and you had one, two, three, four have you done that before when you're really ready for it to be over when I started going faster he slapped my arse and shouted in the broadest Yorkshire accent

come on you bastard and then he finished come on you bastard brilliant that one does dick size mean how much cum comes out of the dick. Absolutely not. Okay, anyway!

Can I just say that Ash was just looking at my trainers then, weren't you? She's got some Louis Vuitton trainers on. How sick are they? I thought they were green. No, they're black. Do you like them? Oh, yeah!

Do you want to get any promo pics? Yeah. Supported by Louis Vuitton, if you wish. And PLT, actually, my pants. Do you like my trainers or not? Love. Yeah, I like them. And by the way, I know I always show you this,

but I am so flexible is now not the time no because you keep saying your back is sore no but like the weird stuff

I can hello is that a fuck there is the fur a fuck do you do that and let James enter you I could I could do it with both

and let him enter me would a man like doing that probably would sick bastards right okay anyway we've got our number one

if you've not seen that well if you're on Patreon you will have seen what I was just doing okay number one now this to be honest I think this made us more

made our podcast fly fly so the I know it was thank you bitch because I know the cousin so and it's real and true

you know the cousin of Stool yeah I gave it away I went somewhere to have something and have something well I can't say mate because then

I went somewhere for something and the person I was dealing oh me anyway sorry it's true it's a true story

okay this is the big one This is number one. This is why our podcast is so successful because we share very, very intelligent information and stories that are really, really good like this one. So I feel like I have a few things to get off my chest as I feel like a problem shared is a problem halved.

So true. And if you think of how many listeners we have, it's a problem one thousandth. Everyone's going, no, 30, 40, 50 million thousandth. So we will start with my ex-boyfriend and I'd like to stay anonymous, of course, because I simply do not want people to know that I was associated with this absolute lunatic.

Oh, babe. Say him. Fucking hell. You've seen my track record, guys. I played that out for a lot of you to see. I hope you enjoyed that. But picture this. He goes missing all weekend.

It's Monday and I get up and I go to work as normal and he's still not home. Oh, God. But this isn't anything out of the ordinary. I spend my morning at work and I come home on my lunch break. I've spent a good 20 minutes downstairs and I go upstairs because I notice his shoes. So he must be in.

so i open the bedroom door to find him lying naked on the bed so my first thought is that he's hot yeah the heating's on until i notice there's a chair on the bed i walk over he's flat out on his front with a chair with a chair on the bed and then she's put just let that sink in because it gets worse i can't i can't i can't read this oh my god i don't know i don't know if i can read this okay god so one of the chair on one of the i can't on one of the chair legs there was a rubber glove with vaseline on it and poo yes poo he had basically spent his monday morning bumming himself with a chair with a chair

and a rubber glove so I beat him with the chair I love that and that was that I put the chair in the garage oh that was nice of her

because I couldn't believe it and I didn't want it in my house yeah you don't want to ever see the chair again he's bumped himself with her chair not his

it gets better my grandad comes to clear the garage out and asks me asks me do I want to keep the chair and I said no and he took it to the tip

after returning I asked him did he throw it away and he said no because when he got there a man approached him and asked what he was doing with it as it looked like it had a lot of life left in it yet

and took it away. Turns out the man in the tip was his dad. That's wild. He's bummed himself with the chair. And the chair's not haunting everyone. The chair's not haunting everyone. It's gone to the tip and his dad was at the tip at the same time.

But why would he be... How would that work? Like, oh, maybe... Right, I see his logic behind the chair. He's sitting on the chair. Yeah. He's squatting on it. So bumming yourself with a chair

must be quite a common thing. A stool would be a good option as well. You could just lie it down and then just air it. And the legs are thingamajig. It's also good for bumming. The legs are thingamajig. That one would be... Do you know what would be good for bumming?

Do you know, like, in old school pubs, they've got those little round stools and they've got knobbly bits on the end. Yeah, and you get a knobbly... So you could get a different... Almost like an animal bead. Like, yeah. If anyone sees a pub terracotta,

with red top circle knobbly-bobbly-bobbly bit school. Send a picture because you know the exact one that I'm talking about. I've sat on there and ate scampi fries many times. I bet they've got a lot of them in Rochdale. Anyway. I don't live in Rochdale. But, yeah, I love a pub, though. We are going for a break,

and we will be back with some amazing, big, big, big news. Big, big news. Coming back. welcome back are you a loyal listener are you a loyal listener of nip talk do you set an alarm on a wednesday and a friday ready for our new drops do you lol while you're on the train at the gym i feel like everyone listens at the gym yeah it's a good one you know to get you through it on a dog walk well if so why not tell your nearest and dearest about nip tuck spread the love and spread the podcast share this episode on whatsapp i tell you every week if you don't do it

i'm gonna be mad share it now no right we've got an announcement we've got some really exciting we've started a patreon patreon patreon patreon anyway we've started a patreon yeah so we'll be using this to create our own

community so for everyone who loves nip talk all of you lot we're going to share so many things that you've been asking for because we constantly get asked for like different bits and blobs yeah it's like top secret vip shit it's like only fans but without the tits and ass i mean i bring the tits you sucked my toe on the last episode so i don't know uh but we can't wait to get started now obviously we're always going to use our platform we're always going to stop we're not going anywhere you can still have it free if you skint like that's fine um no but you can always

have the bonus episode you know it's free and it's on the podcast apps but if you want to get closer access than ever before then you can sign up to our patreon for some amazing benefits so the kind of things that we're going to be doing we're going to have a monthly q a so that can be about beauty stuff you want to ask us recommendations and we'll sit and answer yeah because we get so many it's a point where we can't reply so we're going to do a monthly q a we're going to do video episodes full video full so like the entire thing me picking my nose like the full thing video episode and there's not

going to be any ads either which is nice for something I think this is the bit that I am the most excited about

the full video episode so you can sit in bed with a glass of wine on your Friday night I'm most like

not keen on that I love it I just feel a bit it takes a minute to get used to because we know that the clips

get recorded but the thought of someone watching me in my entirety for an hour like I do weird shit

right we're going to have to rein that in exactly I do weird stuff so we're going to have to sort that it's happening guys

now you've been asking brunch tickets brunch tickets oh my god constant brunch tickets brunch brunch brunch okay

if you want to know that you are going to be the first to get your hands on them then Patreon is the place to be guys because you will hear

about all of our events first on there you'll be offered the tickets first you'll get merch drops first and you will also

get exclusive VIP discounts on there yeah so you'll hear about it there first and you'll get the discounts too what more could you want but it's just the beginning we've got so many ideas for what we can do with patreon like you tell us what you're thinking and we can have we can you know it's a never-ending thing we can add whatever people want really it's very interactive it's really interactive and it means that the podcast because i feel like now we've come so far we've got a community so we can be more involved

in that community now um basically we're going to be even more unapologetically ourselves and like i said you guys can totally be immersed in nip tuck so we want to hear from you like what kind of content you want to hear if you share with us any like current affairs you know anything that we don't know that you want like our opinions on all that good stuff um we'll be over on patreon and you can be like part of our production team really you can head over to patreon.com forward slash nip tuck pod and you can join our nip tease extra community over there or if you go onto our socials the link will be on the bio there for you as well yeah if you just tap that it'll give you all the instructions on how to open up the world of nip tuck extra on

patreon remember on nip tuck we want to get your voice heard you can email us at hello at nip tuck pod hello hello and niptuckpod.com you can also get in touch via whatsapp so that's voice notes too and we can play them out in future episodes we will always keep you anon go to this episode's description for more information on how to get in touch obviously give us a five star review and we will be back next week with the next episode of nip tuck we'll be back next week won't we ash we will and we love you guys thank you because we wouldn't be here at two years without you it's a celebration so you know me so well i knew you knew i was waiting on that i wasn't gonna stop till you did it i was gonna stare bye girls and boys