Nip Tuck - The School Nativity Nightmare

Episode Date: November 15, 2023

Ashley's dealing with a difficult situation at her daughters school after she was given a less desirable role in the upcoming school nativity. Lauren discusses the delights of taking a group of kids to bonfire night and the girls share their almighty wisdom on what to do when faced with a first date.To sign up for Patreon for full video episodes every week and more exclusive content, click this link: https://patreon.com/niptuckpodTo get involved with the show, you can send us a DM on Instagram and TikTok, find us @niptuckpod.Or you can email [e-mail] can also send us your beauty questions, dilemma's and Slutty Susan confessionals via WhatsApp! You can text or voice note the girls on [phone] Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

guys hi welcome this is like our fifth take welcome to nip tuck not giving a fuck i'm ashley this is lauren we have got an absolutely cracking episode for you today so sit your gorgeous ass down madame or sir and yeah get ready oh a crack once yeah is that what i ate this morning no you a croissant with ham and cheese in a croque monsieur is more of a bechamel cheese it's like a lasagna la ganga like a la ganga and um and it has the the ham and the don't you hate it when you're on holiday with someone and an egg and um they can't talk the language so instead they go paella yeah

do you know what my worst one is that sausage chorizo and they go hi could I have that we'll take a couple of prawns we'll take that

and we'll take the chorizo and we'll take two portions of the chorizo but I don't know if it's like we'll take two portions of the chorizo yeah

are you like shut up chorizo just point at it just point at it just fucking chorizo chorizo just point at it

some chorizo and paella and we'll have the paella and I think my auntie's gonna take the pie yeah and my uncle's gonna take the carrot say it's so annoying what i just remember what i told you the weekend yeah about my dad oh yeah can we say it lukey's dad's only gone and bloody listened to the podcast and the episode that he's listened to happens to be the

one episode where lucas discusses how to clean your cleaning your bum hole out with a lucas aid bottle and his dad tuned in at that moment what did he say he just went so um lucas get on the mic please so my dad has never listened to it before and the week he starts to listen he just messaged me he went so uh you like a lucas a bottle do you and i was just like nah he's 74 like i don't want him no i was like please never listen to this and is he gonna listen again oh he's promised me he won't but i bet he does my mum listened to one of the first ever once and then has never she says she never wants to hear me speaking like that ever again my mom and dad listen never wants to hear me talk like that again i don't blame her yeah it's not for

her anyway she always says that she's like the podcast we will say do you listen it's not for me so no anyway on nip tuck we want you to get your voice heard send us in all your bits and bobbins your bits and tits and tricks and bob hello at nip tuck pod.com is where you need to throw all but we have got whatsapp so basically go on the instagram and yeah that's how you get and if you can't work it out then you shouldn't be typing a message out we're not the right people for you if you can't work that out right i'm unwell but ashley said i'm not unwell so she's diagnosed me with not being unwell today no you are really ill and this again like people calm down but lauren said to me a few weeks ago and i think i had what she has now and she said why are you

always ill you you're so healthy and you take all these supplements they mustn't work and you're so ill and stop moaning and now she's got it and she's like i'm never ill i have been ill once you've been really ill for a week now i've been ill for a week and have i missed a day off work no because we're not that bitch are we we're not that person i've not had one day off work i've cracked on continued anyway um i've been ill once in a year you're still ill way more than me yeah but I've got little kids. I'm around a three-year-old a lot. I'm around little kiddies.

Anyway. I'm not like babies. It's not a competition over who is the most ill, but it's me. Well, there's certain supplements that I can't take at the minute, so maybe that's why I'm ill. Right, so, anyhow.

My eye's still twitching. Have I still got, like, a black eye? What is that? It looks puffy on that side. Can you see, Lucas? Yeah. Have you had a needling treatment? No, so listen though,

do you know we've spoken before about tear troughs and stuff like that? I've not had it done, well, I have, but years ago. And it's because I'm ill, it's flaring up. I think that's what it is. Oh my gosh, I had that whenever I was ill. It's swelling. Yeah, and do you know, this is also a thing,

whenever you get ill, your fillers go hard. Yeah, and my friend has got bum implants and whenever she gets ill, her implants go sore. Oh really? Yeah. So I think that this is filler, like old filler. something and I think what's happened is because I'm ill it's swollen and that's why again we don't do tear trough I think it's always filler to be honest like over filler in general now I'm gonna

snatch do you know I feel like it's one of those things like we all do where I think oh I went too far with that and now I can't go back because it's in your face forever sent you about probably not about the facelift thing with it yeah and it's basically saying that when you have a facelift the amount of filler that's still in like in little parts of your face and from radio frequency um like the very intense treatments that you have can sometimes like cause like internal damage and it's so hard to know isn't it like i feel like the best thing to do now is not overdo the filler just do a few skin boosters but then some people get the puffiness and the edema yes my friend did it under the eye and got really bad edema um maybe just do like really good skincare bit of

tiny bit of filler i'm all right i've got a bit of my chin and i need it i need it like i'm all right with it and then have a fit are we gonna well as soon as i've given birth watch me get pumped full of filler honestly i think filler is okay when it's necessary between you and i my doctor is coming to my room to see me after oh i bet yeah and what will he be doing just to see lift the brows you're still frozen is it from the lift my eyebrow lift best thing ever frown yeah it's not horrific no do it big smile there i need it around my eyes a massive smile no bigger is that all you've got jeez i need it around my eyes look at mine oh i'm a lot more wrinkly than you a lot more sunbeds yeah probably is from years of that

sun abuse right anyway one of the things that's really made me laugh this week um at the expense of ashley and her child which is always the way it goes um you had quite a traumatic time really and and one of the things that came into our content chat was sorry i'm sniffing i'm trying not to i'm trying not to but i can't breathe it's not blowable it's like um it's not no do you know it's not snot it's do you know when you're um do you know when your sinus is swell it's that it's not actual snot so i can't blow anything but i'm sorry i've got it okay go so this is what came through in our chat by the way we have the podcast once a week that we record but it goes every day I was just, like, checking Saskia's little satchel thing for homework

and I saw this envelope and it was, like, Nativity. So I opened it. Servant 2. So I said to her, oh, babe, he's Servant 2. And she just, like, burst into tears. I'm not even Servant 1. I'm not even Servant. I want to be an angel.

yeah i get it like who even knew can we discuss just for a second based on that clip can we discuss how like serious the nativity shit is yeah before i was a mom i used to like who cares it's a nativity bitch why is my kid not mary oh my god can i tell you right a story so obviously i was mary because yeah in reception so mary i was i was mary right then when i went into year one i was like well obviously i'm mary again because i am mary and the teacher was like no mary's always a little girl from reception so i was like no mary's me yeah anyway i found out who mary was year one how old are you in year one like three years age nearly six right found out who mary was i went over to her at that break in the playground i remember this vividly i held her

hand and i said it's a really hard job being mary you won't like it i'm not even joking i was like it's horrible you will really not like it let's go to the teacher now and tell her that i will do it for you i walked to this kid to the teacher made her say it and that is why you and i was married two years in a row and that is why you are who you are that is how well you've done in life it is so true though i when thea came home i was like trying to keep it really really natural and i was like so what are you in the nativity doesn't matter but what are you and she was like an agent i was like who's mary then and then i rang my mom hi mom because thea was there just got back now just to let you know we've got our nativity places i was like yeah an angel that's exactly what i

said no an angel yeah did she get a triangle and then she was like well who's mary i was like we don't know who mary is yeah but it's fine um once i my mum always laughs about a time that when i was at nativity and one of my friends was a donkey yeah and there was a front and a back of the donkey yeah and the front and the back kept banging into each other so cute nativities are they're not as funny now they used to be yeah one kid's always off but like is it allowed to be a servant picking the nose i don't know but i thought that was quite i mean are you allowed has anyone's kid been worse than servant two has anyone's kid been worse than servant two if so tell us because i need comforting i did email the teacher can you tell me the title of the email i just said servant number two i was

really blahs in i was like hi miss there must have been a mistake uh i was just like she's just really upset she wants to not be servant two can you have a word with her and then she got home from nursery and she said um i can still sit with my friends but i have to be servant two so i'm not doing it oh i was gonna say to be fair that's right we need to teach kids that sometimes you're gonna be servant number two on and what you do when that happens and this is a life lesson to us all you'd be the best servant number two yeah you turn up and you'd be like i am servant number two yeah and then you'll never then you'll be the angel next time you know let's see sometimes listen there's been times in life when i've been servant numbers in fact in my house i'm servant

number fucking one yeah same um so it's nativity time which obviously is every year and every year every month i feel like there's a something so there's been halloween then there was bonfire tell me did you go to any bonfires no no i didn't right so this is that i think again it's a problem that we all have as mothers i didn't this year i didn't pumpkin pick and i didn't go to a bonfire and i'll tell you why i've been ill um but also it's pouring down now do you know how many people said to me did you go to a bonfire and when i said no they were like why and i felt so guilty that i've not taken my child to a huge fire to stand in front of it everything stinks after i get it and i do it most years but i didn't do it this year and i just think the pressure i'm just not

that into watching fireworks do you know what somebody put which was really interesting aspect um you might have seen it somebody put things saying why are we doing something that damages the planet yeah it does and upsets animals yet we're still buzzing over standing watching all that and all the things it causes and i thought oh fair point really never really thought of it like a bonfire night as that um i mean that's i'm not going that deep no but i know i didn't go to one um i like the idea of it we all wear matching things in our black coats and our boots and we go out in the crisp and we stand as a family and we watch the bonfire and we drink hot chocolate or wine or wine and we all look at each other and we smile and we are having the best family

time ever and we all go back to the car and we are smiling and happy but what actually happens the car gets filthy the car gets filthy someone's fallen over someone's cheeks are cold someone's forgotten the gloves somebody doesn't like the bonfire because they're scared of it you spent 150 quid somebody needs a piss and then i've then got to get all the layers and hold them that's the reality i'm in a bad mood i don't feel well we get in the car the car's filthy and we all go home and i say can you just shut up for one minute did you know when you're like in the last trimester of pregnancy as well someone said on instagram and i don't know how true this is that you're not really meant to go to like the cinema concerts or like anything like with really

loud noises in case it sets you off i don't know just because like you can't it's not great is it and also i wouldn't really want to be doing that so that's my excuse when i was no you've just reminded me i went i couldn't see it so vividly do you remember i had a red knitted jumper dress on don't if you remember the picture very heavily pregnant right um it's just reminding me it's like you know where did you go i went to one fire yeah i was heavily pregnant and i was kind of hoping it would bring her on and it didn't um i can see the picture in my head now i can remember i held a sparkler i can remember the caption i wrote ready do you want to know it oh no well listen if we can't take the piss out yourself i met you in the dark you lit me up that was my caption with

the sparkler i found a caption off from one of lauren's instagram pictures the other day and it was something like nothing a little bit of music and a fag can't sort out it was so funny really yeah and it's still on your instagram do you know there's and it's like you used to always record music in your car yes i did i used to hold my speak i used to hold my phone looking at the car door yeah and play a song do you know why i did it yeah because there'll be a guy there will have been a guy that likes that music or that liked that song and i will have put it on for him to reply like tune oh my god so snapchat has been announced as the cheaters app right i agree i saw this article and i could not agree more any man that has got snapchat over the age of 25

is up to no good on there i so probably gonna offend some people here i don't know why anybody over the age of 20 as a woman or man would have snapchat and if you are still using the snapchat filters they say it's for the filters though instagram has much nicer filter use the filter no but it's because the messages get deleted yeah i know but like why are we using snapchat filters still the dog really i know you're talking about this with your friend drinks a dog i don't get it it's the dog app it's the dog girls if your man has got the snapchat app on his phone right and i've got so many friends that have caught guys out from snapchat lucas lucas is one cheater how did you catch him lukey he um my ex well part of the time said he didn't have snapchat and then one

night he was asleep and it just kept pinging so i was like fuck it he told me he didn't have it went on it and it was dick pics videos so yeah it tends to be like of a sexual nature the content that they share on there and basically what you can do girls is log into snapchat and search your boyfriend's number because you can search your contacts on snapchat and it will have a snapchat chat score so that's how much he uses it yeah so then screenshot right i've made a note of his score five seven eight leave it a month go back on the score's gone up he's on it a lot he's on it prolific i don't know why you'd have it and i i don't understand it it's because the messages delete for any other reason i cannot you'd be cheating on that yeah why would you have it

otherwise there's enough apps and like oh my god i went out like not obviously when i was pregnant like two years ago and this guy is asking you can i have your snapchat basically he's come up to you in your face and said i've got a girlfriend but i want to cheat on her want to help yeah that's what if someone says can have you got a snapchat even if i was single and the most beautiful stunning gorgeous man came over and said have you got a snapchat i'd be walking straight i wouldn't even give david beckham my snapchat oh i'd give him i'd give him no you wouldn't i'd download snapchat i would download snapchat for him right anyway let us know beckham oh no he is him and romeo beckham oh romeo don't know romeo brooklyn um jay goody's sons oh

junior andre oh wait a minute wait a minute wait a minute fuck which is the oldest one brooklyn that's what no romeo stunning romeo is gonna be the most the most good looking yeah he looks like David the most Jade Goody's son Jade Goody's son Jesus fit

cool Bobby Bobby Grazier the name cool he's gorgeous you know and all of a sudden his dad was a lovely man

Jeff he's still here no I know but wasn't he a nice man yes you know when she died he like brought the kids up and everything

like he is a good man I don't know if he's a good man but he looks it anyway blah blah blah blah blah right guys we had a question and we've been sitting on this for a few weeks you know we like to sit on things and i think that we'll both have totally different opinions on these because i am a dater and lauren's not i think i won't have much opinion

on this i don't think i'll understand because i'm not a dater yeah but you do give good advice to your friends yes like our friend the other day ah so how many group chats are we in like i don't think people realize what we're going to talk about now is dating um and dating hacks because we do love giving a little bit of unsolicited advice yeah exactly so for example one of our friends the other day sent us a message and she said girls i need your help we get us three are all in this chat she said girls i need your help um a guy has asked me out on a date but i've ended up booking the venue because they couldn't get in or something so she had a friend of a friend yeah so she got them in then an hour and a half before the date is due to take place no first he

told her he said i'll pick you up yeah yeah he goes oh um if i pick you up you'll have to sit on the back seat and there's no he said if he said he'd pick her up and then it got to the date and he said hi you're gonna have to meet you there because my friend needs a lift and the back seat's a mess oh something like that yeah whose back seat she was like what shall i do and we both said no you are not going on that date number one you shouldn't book the place no even even if it means going to frankie and benny's or the ivy girl you should leave that man to do that especially the first one to take control and you can see what he's capable of then 100 and we do you know what i would say he should get you in somewhere i would say i'm a feminist at times

but i do have strict opinions on dates so lauren first date what are you wearing it's this time of you i'm wearing a leather pants leather pants always a leather trouser a boot or a heel or a heel depends kind of on the vibe um i'm wearing a top like this wearing a tight top a body a body something that shows my body off i am not looking because i'm i'm not wearing a dress oh no a dress is a no for a first date girl and you're a little bit not quite since i'm very much i never i'd rather be underdressing over you're the opposite you'd rather be over wouldn't you in general not for a date no but in general i always want to be underdressed because i always want to look like i'm not that arsed yeah well you're a little bit different there a nice coat a nice coat and a nice

handbag my makeup's on point my hair is on point yeah but the outfit is very much you know i'm just sleek very abby clancy very abby clancy love that right we're both in agreement on that then and if it's summer we're doing a jean and a vest body absolutely or a jean and a shirt or a shirt tucked tin i'm doing a jean and a shirt tucked in and a blazer yeah and i'm not doing a legs out we don't do legs out or boobs two out either i personally know personally no right where are we going gloria i can't i feel uncomfortable already okay this is where i'm done we're going you obviously message me you being the guy you're deciding yeah so i get a message and um it's hi ashley i'll pick you up at nine and then you're kind of like do i ask where i'm going that's always the awkward bit

and i would say babes amazing where are we going so i know what to wear obviously you're still gonna wear your leather pants combo but then you know like but does that not make you look a bit too arsed would you even say so i know what to wear or is that i don't know i don't think i'd say that i think i would just say where are we going let me know where we're going and then you make i wouldn't want him to know that i'm going to be thinking about my outfit because i'm not asked right how to get there is like part of this if i'm going on a date with you right i've researched your background we've done background like this convo we had yesterday yeah like we've asked people in common we know we've done a company's house yeah we know what companies

you've had what you've companies you used to have exactly like i've i've done my research so i'm not afraid to share my address with you at this point and that might you might say that's horrendous advice ashley but the way in which i operate is i know exactly who you are and we're going on a date if if i'm not a hundred percent sure then maybe i go for a wine and do a bit of life admin on my phone before and get picked up at like a restaurant wine bar or something if i don't want to give the address some people say it's really dangerous to give your address but up to you you sound that out so i would always want to get picked up by the guy okay would you meet there no so the way i do it and this is because i'm not a dater as you know i don't like it and i find it

really good but i'm the complete opposite i'm not even going on a date what i'm doing is meeting you while i'm out with my friends that's horrendous right i'm gonna go out with my friends look really nice i'm not bothering and then i will meet you and i will decide what i think of you on the night that's quite a good idea because i'm not meeting you and sitting like this if i'm not sure i will say i'm going there at this time meet me if you want if you want to go out of your way turns into drinks drinks and shagging yeah probably but at least then i've assessed you i'm with my mates i'm confident i'll look and see if i if you vibe with my friends and how i am if you're awkward and uncomfortable i'm not gonna like you anyway that always has to happen for me

i am not doing a first date thing me and james met here's something funny listen to this so me and james before we actually officially i turned up at his house that day um i did this game that i play i've been speaking to him for about six months and i said listen i'm at firefly come he got fucking steaming right i forget this even happened this occasion we don't remember i didn't know this yeah because i forget it happened we don't remember he got steaming he turned up couldn't get in because he was too pissed how embarrassing um i came out and apparently we this is according to friends because we can't remember i was like oh hi are you all right and he said and i was like oh, you're steaming.

And then I was steaming and we snogged and then I went off with someone else. No. Lauren. Yeah, not like that, but like, and then I walked off and left him.

All right, this is a good one. What are we eating? Okay. You make it. I can't. I'm out. I'm done. You carry on.

You're not going to order a pie, are you? You're not going to order a pie. Right. These are foods to stay away from, a pie or a curry. I love a pie and a curry, but on a first date, you can't order a curry or a pie can you no i'm out i don't know style food where you can just

dip in and out no because then how do you know if you've eaten too much small plates yeah i'm no garlic no no if he's eating garlic minimal the whole thing's that's why i like peach street kitchen then like the ivy asia is good for small plates as well um el gato negro i feel if you're going to an italian restaurant then i would get maybe tuna tartare for my starter yeah if it's fresh 100 you're making me feel really and it's only about that big so i'd get tuna tartare from a starter and then a caesar salad for my main but a caesar salad is quite hard to eat yeah can you get it so i don't know or i'd get a starter portion of pasta yes so i don't look like a fat and i wouldn't get a twisty pasta i'd get a penne yes that's you

don't want the twist like lady and the trump yeah and i cut it up which is really not good so i bet you blow on it cut it up and blow on it so i can't um it would have to be a penne i bet lauren butts red wine in the fridge i don't i don't drink red wine i don't drink red wine i don't know why no i wouldn't no i wouldn't if it depends who it was with if it was with like somebody no i wouldn't this is why i don't go on a date because i i don't want and also if i had to eat a caesar salad i'd be so fucking sad i i feel like though on the date if it's going well definitely order a dessert because you want him to think like oh she eats pudding would she eat my asshole oh how about you um no i wouldn't get a dessert okay i wouldn't even go on the date

right so the date went badly this is our flow chart now okay first one we're discussing lozza dates went badly you had a nice all right time because honestly guys i think how bad can a date be if you just go to get pissed and have fun by yourself which is what i tend to always think like if i've already done the background checks there was that time when i went to australasia and the man ordered quad fods and i had to leave through the sunset exit yeah then i still met my friends and i had a nice time yeah there's always a couple of free drinks always girls by the way have a friend that you can plan an exit with and have your friends on like find my friend and when you go to the toilet check in with your friend agree there's some tips so he just wasn't he

wasn't for you okay what we doing next he's text you already that night i had of course he has i had a fabulous i don't like him um i would say thank you so much really appreciate it was lovely to meet you and then i'm not replying again yeah i'd go ghost but is that really disrespectful lucas i've said i've had a nice time thank you i never ghost never like i will be like look no i would fizzle and ghost like when he then fizzle their name when he then texts me the next day saying hi babe how was your day i don't text back till dinner time or tea time i'm like sorry i've been so busy and it's so slow he gets the picture i just think if you go look you know it was nice but i didn't really get that kind of oh i don't know just let them down because if you just

go i'm not interested they'll that's harsh i think um i think fizzle in a while fizzle their name just slowly stop replying as much and also like and if you've got anything about them they'll know then you're not interested a hundred percent yeah right next well it went well i ain't texting you that evening no no no we don't text first because what if he wants to fizzle you i'm not texting you that evening no i'm not taking you at all until you're texting me i'm going home and i have not texted i haven't texted my friend saying i've met the love of my life and i am not texting you yeah and you can text me yeah say did you get home okay yeah and i will say had a really lovely evening thank you so much that's another thing for me as well they need to check that you've actually got

in your front door yeah james did that make sure and then you reply and i'd say had an absolute lovely evening thank you very much and i'm not saying anything else yeah you can text me again then the next day and say when are we going out usually i feel like you've already like found out on the date when they're like oh um i've got a party next week and i'd love you to come with me no i'm not texting you because then the man's thinking did she not and that video i sent you house exactly absolutely don't want to play games but it's human nature you are not texting him then the next day you wait for him to and if he doesn't he's not that interested and the men should be chasing there's a book called hoe tactics i'm not condoning that but i'm not i'm

not condoning that but that video that i sent you last night is a clip from hoe tactics yeah i agree and the way in which people's minds work is it's not they want more yeah it's not just like a man woman thing it's not even about that it's people it's human respect to yourself it's human nature it's not men us playing games with men it's in general animals in the wild yeah it goes right back down to what's the what's it called your evolution yeah it's us and it means that basically we always want a little bit more if we don't know exactly we want that little bit more always be that person and if he isn't chasing you the next day move on move on anyway yes if he if the next day he's not said hi babe's morning yeah then he's not that interested and do we want

someone that isn't that interested no because it's going to waste another six months of our life just say go for it go on all the dates you want it builds your confidence builds your confidence and if you've just put up with someone and you're a bit ah just just go the only thing i worry about that though is that you can sometimes then if you have a string of bad dates go back to the ex because you think oh fuck this is it's wild out here i'm doing it you've got to stay that's the my only concern don't do it and then think i wish i was with my you've got to be ready don't forget the rebound oh my god the rebound is and some of the biggest mistakes i've made love bombing be careful yeah don't if someone's love bombing you and all over you and this has

happened to me before and also like make contact minimal we don't need to be talking throughout oh i do that i do no when i mean i mean it's sorry it's an ick for men being on whatsapp like should be fucking at work making money one of the things that i've done before and i think you all need to be this is like a public announcement um service announcement anytime anytime that i've ended up with somebody that is really unsuitable and really bad for me has always been when i've been very very weak from somebody before them and what they've done is love bond me i've been vulnerable and they have love bond me they have been there every second are you all right baby and i needed that comfort at that moment well that's how they prey on you so and now i can

see if that happened i'd be like oh but at the time i was like oh god this is making me feel better you like me but a lot of younger girls listen to this yeah so do not just just know it's a red flag someone blowing your phone up and someone that's over the top straight away and that's already madly in love you don't need to know everything about each other no keep it to one day a week for the first month someone that's like i've fallen for you already i can't believe this please trust me any younger girls not even older girls that are listening every bad decision like really bad like there's one particular one that was horrific and i got with him um after when i was in a really low place and he loved bombing and i thought yeah i need this i

need this and it's one of the worst things and one of the worst people i've ever been out with like sending flowers to work over the top yeah and if you're vulnerable you'll fall for it so just watch it girls okay guys we are going to have a little breaky wakey now but then we will be back with the bargain bucket and your slutty susans but first are you a loyal listener of nip tuck do you set an alarm on wednesdays and fridays ready for your new release do you laugh out loud whilst on the train or driving to work well tell your friends about nip tuck share share share share share are you listening now take a little screenshot tag us yes we like that love it when you do that and we see it and we really really appreciate it and we love you all send

your stories in share the podcast because you are the main reason why we're doing it welcome back can we talk about your nail color yeah you hate it and i don't hate it i just think it's not you not that this isn't i don't like it i just don't i've never seen you with this type of color so really yeah i don't feel like i've not seen it maybe it's because of the length i don't know just wanted to change yeah i'm not saying i'm not saying i don't like it i've just not seen that color on your skin tone you did comment on my pitch saying this is not for you so you don't like it no i didn't i said it's not very you there's a difference i like the color in fact i have that color and i wear it on my toes in the winter i was just like oh god the nails it's

because i usually have a french is that what it is it just looks different i'm not against it just it's different i'm gonna change it to nude tomorrow i'm getting mine back french your nails always look nice we we both always look after our nails actually don't we yeah i think that's a big thing i i agree girls i think look and that doesn't mean that if you can't afford to it doesn't mean buy yourself a gel kit i'm not saying you have to go and have your nails done but keep them clean and tidy at least don't bite them girls don't bite your your cuticles men do look at your nails they do so we're doing it for them and i look at people's nails i do don't i know it's a habit and you can't help it don't bite the cuticles and rip them please don't do something to

stop that fear started doing it and i've managed to stop her straight away because it's not good right so bargain bucket okay what oh no i'm just like yes ready to begin ready i've got i am a few weeks out now to having the baby and their questions are coming in thick and fast of people asking what are your top baby buys absolutely have you gone for and i would actually say i'm becoming a bit of a pro at this now okay i feel like every baby you have as well you get more critical well i would hope that you would be a pro junk in the house so you're like do i actually need all this or do i feel like i should and is it a marketing ploy so i honestly think these things that i've written down here and this is not inclusive of

like my postpartum essentials or anything like that i'll do the postpartum stuff separately because you know we're into like the compression yeah yeah yeah but this is baby this is this is basically if you're having a baby next week or if you went into early labor i'd give your partner this list and say okay as long as she's got all this shit she's good yeah and i've tried the stuff out yeah so you can you know i've wasted my money these let us waste the money not you exactly these are the bits that i've hung on to okay so i'm just gonna work my way through the list zip sleep suits i never had them it wasn't a thing they weren't out when we had i absolutely would kind of just say as well things change every year yeah yeah yeah like every year i haven't had

a baby for six years so you know well you can have all my stuff thank you um zip sleep suits so basically those button ones in the middle of the night you don't want to be buttoning you want to zip and i love the baby maury ones okay they're so soft they wash really well can you get more afford i don't know if they're expensive but can you get like normal you can get like a five or seven pack for 130 quid which is a lot actually yeah i know no that's extortionate i know but they are so seven or five baby girls for 100 matalan have just started doing the zip ones and i think there are five or each um primark have started doing the zip ones perfect there's also some magnet ones that are meant to be really good but it's magnets good or maybe that's why

that's what i thought i don't know um but yeah zip sleep suits you don't look as cute though are a they don't look as cute the zip ones not as cute as a little button-up but are they really well the girl ones you can get where they've got a frill oh okay okay um but for me it's all about these the vital baby uv sterilizer right unbelievable it's a sterilizer and a dryer so it's a big you can get it white or black a box okay girls this is a must have this saved me time autoclave so say that's the bottle i've given the baby the bottle or a dummy you can put anything in it wash it out with your washing up liquid and literally throw it in this bin thing turn it on it uses a light that kills all the germs so no steam and sweat and it dries them

stunning because oh my god right yeah yeah and you get it out and it's not boiling hot you don't burn yourself i remember dry trying to get drying it but then you just you put in you just disinfected it and then you're trying to oh my god perfect are they expensive worth it worth it worth it worth it um so yeah vital baby uv sterilizer they've bought one out that's that big that you can put the dummy in while you're out and about perfect so if the dummy falls on the floor you just put it in and press it for a minute unreal um the vital baby nappy bin unbelievable because what you do it's like you press a button you put the nappy in do you need a nappy bin listen to what this does right it holds something like up to 50 nappies because it like you put the pooey nappy in and

then it makes it really small and seals it so there's no smell good whatsoever so then your husband just has to empty it like once a week into the bin how much would you put your head in a nappy bin for a thousand well i wouldn't because i'd throw up a thousand yes or no yeah right but you 100 need one of them because it seals and it doesn't stink and it makes everything really small the vital baby thermometer as well i loved is one of those you know the covid gun thermometer so you don't have to stick it in the mouth no it's traumatic that right you need an extra me hot yeah they are the best thing ever this is one thing i've learned and you probably will say the same the nursery doesn't need to be the nursery doesn't need to be done with your first baby it's

always done doesn't need to be done not like but at the same time when you've got a newborn you don't have time to do the nursery you know that's why i did her nursery because i thought when i've got a newborn decorating so like it's not necessary i'm moving into a new house yeah like in like a year so i've just what's the point teddy's nursery and anyway they're going to be in the next to me crib for the first six to nine months yeah the next to me crib that i love is the snuggle one it's really comfy and it's reasonable you just zip the side down so if you've had a section you can just get the baby in and out of your bed um their bath is amazing as well did you have one of them with you it's got like the high back i can't remember well with

having a baby i would 100 get a baby bath and that she had something the snuggle one is really really good because the baby sits up in it and i think she was in that for at least like six seven months as well okay hooded towels yeah she had those because you just put their little head in the hood and then wrap them around like a burrito the baby brezza that wasn't out when we had them do you remember the tommy tippy perfect prep machine oh that was my i loved that this is like a 10 times upgraded version okay and you literally put the milk in the top press a button bottle done perfect perfect temperature got you yeah the nook bottle warmer for if you're breastfeeding everyone says that this device is like a must okay i'm not breastfeeding but i might buy one

of them to put the pre-made yeah yeah that is a must if you're not breastfeeding girls get the ready-made milk oh my god yeah i had for the first week that's all my night nurse said that if you have got a windy baby or for the first few weeks definitely use the ready-made milk because you don't realize but when you're prepping the milk there's loads of air and little bubbles in it so the pre-made's like the pre-made is like do you know what i did you know when people say to you what gift do you want when the baby's born? I actually asked people, because they're expensive.

Do you need milk? I said, can you bring me, instead of a baby girl, because she's got 100 and I enjoyed buying the baby girl, so can you bring me milk? So what people brought me was, and I obviously checked with the mum,

but that's quite a good present because they are expensive and it meant for the first week to 10 days to two weeks, I didn't have to think. Yeah, so that's quite a good thought. I use, for the first few weeks, those ready-made bottles with the sterilized tips. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

They are unbelievable. Yeah, I had them in hospital. white noise machine is a must i think i'd have shown the sheep yes they've got those shown the sheep things um the one that i really like is the rocket one it's like constant white noise and the my hummy there it's like white noise in a teddy but it's that big so you're not carrying a massive thing around all the time the love to dream swaddles zip swaddle arms in perfect i didn't swaddle for you but my night nurse says that swaddling from newborn is important and they will sleep really really well when you when your night nurse comes back with when you

have this baby when the night nurse comes you can get all the tips and tell us oh god 100 right pram wise i've gone for the jewels there and the doona love a doona yeah 100 they are the best ones cocoona baby don't get a sleepy head get a cocoona baby because the cocoona baby the baby like sits upright in it so they don't get the reflux 100 the baby beyond bouncer is the best baby bouncer you can use it from newborn it's the only orthopedic one that's been approved they are expensive you can get them on ebay the hawk high chair for newborn reasonable and transitions into like a chair anyway it's like the cheaper version of that i had that click clack one that everyone has um aldi nappies and wipes yes i did that pureborn ones are really really good but they're

not out in the uk yet okay they're like um any dubai yes if you're in dubai they're very good their wipes are stunning motorola camera old school but the best the best um because i was reading about i was gonna get that owler and the whole like emf no no no no um and finally aiden and anay muslins so basically they are expensive but they're also comforters so it's a muslin square with silk around the outside i know something i had that uh do you remember everyone had it with like the holes in it and then it had the square i've still got mine from being a baby he's called blankie so he he's at the bottom of the bed um james wants fat honestly at the bottom of the bed is it disgusting i'm gonna send a picture i'll put a picture i'll put

a picture on close friends someone remind me and um james in the night no lie we'll get in bed cozy and i go where's blankie no like and i get him in my toes saskia still uses like she like rubbed him on her face he is 33 um and so it's his no sorry blankies oh i thought it was james i was like oh that's what's wrong with him that's why he's with you blankie is 33 and it's a he so i'll say where is he and james sometimes hides him for fun anyway remind me i'll put it on close friends i can't see that blankie teddy's about 12 so you got him when you were 20 yeah fucking weirdo yeah it's not what's weird okay anyway enough wholesome stuff let's talk about some slut shit um are you reading it on me should we take it in turns because you read like a primary

school person with a finger right well you read it then mate let's do one then one then the other yeah sorry teacher i'm such a really good reader um right okay hi girls and on please love love love the pod genuinely get excited every single wednesday so i'm happily married with two amazing children now i like how they have to caveat it with that because they're about to say something filthy so they have to please don't reveal but now i am there and i've got two children and uh they go to private school but my goodness do i have some slutty susans from years gone by i've chosen some of my faves but honestly i have so many more i'm writing this with a huge smile on my face so you can look back on your slut day so if you haven't done them do them and enjoy them

and i ting and a tingle in my dingle dangle dongle as i write and reminisce number one i'll start fairly tame at uni every friday was fancy dress night and it's all the me and the girls lived for basically any excuse to dress up as a slut this one particular theme the night sorry this one particular night the theme was p as in dress up as something beginning with a p penis well obviously like i was i went as a prefect ah aka really slutty prefect and i met this guy in the club i just find the whole dressing up as a school girl really inappropriate anyway the sex was slightly disappointing or i was too fucked but what i can remember is he was about to come he pulled on my pigtails and called out fucking baby spice he must have fancied baby spice needless to

say i very quickly got dressed and went back to the club if i remember rightly i pulled someone else after i like that one go on after uni i managed to get a really good job at a big firm in manchester they used to pay for our friday night drinks and this one particular night we went to refs on deansgate locks i loved it in there that's where i'm at yeah i had a thing going with this guy at work we both had partners it was just a bit of fun oh we both had partners Right, okay. He didn't have a chance in the real world. However, it was one of those things

where you fancy someone at work. We've all been there. Anyway, this one night I was fucked and I still don't understand how, but basically I ended up in the men's toilets downstairs sucking him off. All was great until I heard a voice shouting, she's giving him a blowjob.

It's not what you want to hear. I looked up and a female bouncer, you know the type. Oh, we know the type. we're standing small yeah angry shaved head angry we're starting we're not stereotyping sorry female bounces no we have got some female bounces that listen actually because they wrote in once oh no way um anyway she was standing on the cubicle peering over the next minute the door was being banged down and when we came out in our drunken state there was three bounces standing

there fuck sage let them live i tried pretending that i was being sick and he was helping me keep my hair out of my face clearly i thought i was convincing until the female bouncer said why have you got cum dripping it's sick i was mortified i've got no idea who saw from work and we were very quickly thrown out of the bar i didn't go back so this was at work as well and work do i love that absolutely love that right she says my last one for now my first job before the one above i ended up sleeping with one of the partners of the company he wasn't my usual type he was the partner of the company and not good looking at all i hate saying that but he wasn't but i can't even begin to explain the chemistry we had the sex was out of this world and i still

to this day would say it's probably the best sex i've ever had love that for you i'm not sure whether it was the sex itself or his reaction to me that was just incredible he could not handle he could not keep his hands or lips off me and he was so animalistic and we just had to have me animalistic a complete contrast to the straight laced guy in the office we had sex anywhere anytime and the build-up was wild i'd wear skirts with tights blouses in the off with tight blouses in the office with stockings and suspenders underneath and sometimes no knickers and i'd always make sure he knew i told him that within reason i'd try anything with him we'd done everything sex in different places toys sex toys anal weird and wonderful positions tame

bdsm his thing was golden showers oh god after a few months we tried it i wouldn't say i loved it but his reaction was so sexy what is sexy about that i'd do it to him just as he was about to come what piss on him yeah so we'd be fucking and then we'd make our way to the shower and carry on and i'd do it just as he was about to blow how does you'd be like crouch down bitch so he'd be like wanking himself off in a little ball in the corner of the shower while you piss on him it's not for me that once i was having a shower and right let's tell the rest of yeah um anyway oh so sorry sorry i'm so glad you just stopped me that i was about to say something um anyway he'd do it to me either as we were fucking oh he'd we on her how does his willy work i thought

you can't wee with that with a hard-on can you lukey yeah anyway maybe it's a book can you james can't maybe it's a bit of both anyway he'd do it to me either as we were fucking again sorry james in the shower squirting is this the male version of screaming and his dick would absolutely throb or he'd come all over me and then clean it off with piss oh like there's the cum here's the piss like a piss sandwich he'd go down on me and he was so into it it was a huge turn on my friends laughed at me and him at the time and i was quite embarrassed but as time's gone i've realized so many people have so many different kinks and as long as you're not hurting anybody fucking go for it nobody wants the same vanilla sex every night sadly everything else in the relationship

was a car crash and it ended very abruptly took me ages to get over and now i'm over it on him i can look back very fondly at some of the times we've spent together and again this is what i'm saying like if you're single live your life enjoy it if you wanted like this woman has got all these experiences because she lived it and now she's looking back with the kids and her husband and thinking yeah that was fun so yeah be a slut if you want to be a slut anyway you can get in touch via whatsapp i hope that's inspired you to send in your slutty soos send your dilemmas send your hacks send your tips send your questions everything we love your contributions and we hope that you get time to leave us a review or do a little screenshot and share that you're listening

we love you guys so much and we will see you again on another day jeez i don't know what day it is today bye guys