Nip Tuck - The sex files

Episode Date: April 26, 2022

This episode is not for the prudes amongst us, and knowing you lot that’s why you’ll love it...In this weeks episode, Ashley and Lauren are talking about all things sex! From sl*t shaming to kinky clubs and why going down south is almost exactly like playing with a Bop-It…Also... if you want to drop some hints to that guy who's not quite 'hitting the spot'.... send them this episode and as always follow us @ntngaf @thecosmeticconsult and @laurenelizabeth_xx Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

hi guys and welcome to this week's episode of your favorite podcast nip tuck and not giving a fuck okay so what have you been up to what have you done oh you went on holiday i've been on holiday so this is our first we're a little bit behind when you guys like two months like two months anyway i've just come back from mexico i will have had the baby by now i think um i need to start doing that every time you mention the thing and the thing the thing that's ruining our lives at the minute don't say that because if anything goes wrong it's not gonna if it does i'll just get this cut before it comes out it doesn't look like i said it um i'll make a different one instead and we'll play that yeah okay so anyway i've been to mexico i went to

tulum um of course i went to tulum there's always those funny memes about tulum of all the influencers like that no no oh that's no it was so much fun so me and two other friends went and we just had such a laugh like we'd get fucking steaming and then we would be in bed at like eight o'clock but some funny things happened yeah the day sessions i really i mean anyone who follows me on instagram will know that i embarrass myself yeah um i did a cartwheel in a beach club like a quite a nice beach club with knickers on oh i had knickers on no you were gonna say like without like naked but i also listened to this i nearly had a threesome right okay so you never had one no of you no okay so i got a pro i'm too jealous really yeah no see i'm gonna be honest here i

think something i would potentially enjoy about watching that watching or participating well you kind of do both don't oh my god no but you know what i really want to by the way this episode's actually about sex so this is very relevant what a surprise um i registered for that killing kittens yeah and i got accepted um and can i come i registered it was a it was years ago i swear i remember us talking about this i think we did it at work like as a piss tape but we actually wanted yeah um and then we registered there's like a really exclusive one in london that like men pay loads to go to and i think girls actually even have to pay but if you apply and you've got like a referral they're like super exclusive it's kind of like raya but in person i think it was

okay um and i registered for that one just because i'm a nosy bitch and i want to watch people have sex i am so interested in that place in berlin that you that kitty cat club yes we go i will fully go why don't we go like obviously the podcast is what it is right now but i think as things progress we will take the camera places we will do we'll do live ones yeah we'll go to like imagine the lols in watching somebody shine i know but like you can't go and laugh at them oh like you have to go and be serious well we could be serious and laugh after but like i wouldn't want someone to watch me having sex because oh my god i'm really shit at it imagine my face sometimes i think like if the lights were on or something my face must look must look

and the angles all the angles that you get in as well you know i have once seen um someone giving someone a blowjob in real time though okay um me and my sister and we were really like fucked and it was like 6 a.m and we got in and she was like and i was like what so i went out onto the balcony she went look there was a man giving another man a blowjob what was it like did it turn you on be honest no they were like tramps or something and then another time actually in ibiza we were sat like a few summers ago in nobu really nice like um it was like beautiful setting yeah and um someone was like look at that balcony there and you could see the girl giving the guy and did you not like it not really it was just like more of a haha thing but i don't want to do it in a way so once

um i went camping and my friend and her boyfriend had sex next to us in the 10 yeah and that turned me on what like so you could hear them they were next to us oh okay um yeah i'm sure we've got loads of funny stories like i've got a million funny stories which is why we keep talking about sex so anyway i nearly had a threesome right so what happened they um we were in like a beach club and there's this guy and he was quite fit and i was talking to him nothing like we're just chatting and then his girlfriend came over and i was like hi because it wasn't like that and then she was like flirting with me so i was like flirting back i'm drunk and then he was and then she was and then they both were so i was like looking my eyes were going from one to one like

and then all of a sudden it's like the penny dropped and i thought oh okay i see where this is going and she was like um my boyfriend really likes you you can kiss him if you want to kiss him and oh lucky you and i could kiss you so i was really focused and the girls said that i turned around and i was like you guys get off i'm gonna go back with these two and then they were both like no i don't think you should do that and i was like i'm getting off with these two and then i thought i don't want to do that yeah like they were using you as a pawn in their weird sick twisted relationship yeah so i didn't but i'm not like adverse to it one day no like would you prefer a threesome with two guys or two girls so i have no sexual attraction to women whatsoever

none i can appreciate a woman that's beautiful but i have none not one horn about a woman so it'd have to be two men dp it's called double penetration one in the do you know my friend you say one in the one in the pink one in the stink oh my how disgusting i don't want that but i just don't if i could do it with a girl i wouldn't know what to do no i don't think you'd actually like do a girl i think you just like finger them and all right tweak the nipples all right i could do that yeah and then the guy just watches fancy it mate not when you look like that so my catch-up bit is that i'm an absolute psychopath oh okay well i knew this do share more no like i'm just like do you know when you take a step back and look at yourself and you're

like you're a dick like so on valentine's day ed is not the most romantic of people he's not no he's lovely but he's never going to he's never going to be in your final exactly um so what he did i fucking hate red roses yeah like do you like them yeah i'm not that into flat like yeah they're disgusting like they're not okay you're not into that no i had a really bad experience with some red roses a few years ago all right yeah do you want to tell uh no anyway so i just really don't like them and all the time like i've always said to all my boyfriends because they love spoiling me and showering me with gifts why don't mine like doing that you're playing it wrong then okay we should discuss this in another episode like yeah i could give you tips on you do but i

don't listen do i no you need to listen i'll just buy my own right we're doing another episode on that well you can do both okay um so anyway hate red roses woke up on valentine's day and there was two massive things of red roses i would have paid to have seen your and i was like ed and he was like yeah and i was like morning do i like red roses and he was like uh and i was like i've told you haven't i that i don't like them and he was like yeah well i did i did think that and i was like had he gone out of his way had somebody done it for him our pa did it yeah um and then she got of god's fault and then basically i was like do you know this is about 500 quid worth of flowers and he went what and i was like oh my god he won't have known yeah and i went check the credit card

he went fucking 500 i was like oh my god so i was you tried to give them to me didn't you well yeah so i'm friends with the florist and i messaged him and i was like babe does anyone want these because i was literally at a point where i was such a big i was going to throw them in the bin like i'm pregnant i'm bored i've got fuck all this is your problem at the minute you've got nothing else to do but like over like in normal life i wouldn't give yeah you were too busy yeah you know i'd be drunk the whole time exactly but i can't um so anyway so i messaged the forest and he went yeah i did think that like i've never thought of you as red and so i was like for god's take anyway he was like right tell ed he can come and swap them no he let them swap him yeah so you

should have sold them to somebody who was in the doghouse and like forgotten them last minute you could have sold them for like a grand to some poor bastard who forgot that's a good idea isn't it um so yeah i did that and that was that was like and i bet ed didn't care did he no he didn't unaffected and he drove all the way into town and swapped did he and i bet he just was like okay is that better now and you're like yes and he said when he got to the florist they were both laughing so um that happened also i've changed my doctor oh my god have you fallen out with the doctor yeah so oh you are so bored i'm that patient i am that patient so i've gone all the way down to london to meet this doctor that's going to be delivering did he give you red roses i went for lunch with

my friend and she's having her c-section at the portland as well and she was like oh do you have to do the diet beforehand and i was like what diet yeah and she was like the no sugar diet and i was like i didn't know any of this and definitely not doing that she was like no and then she was like are you having the pico dressing oh pico dressings yeah there do you know about pico no and i was like what is that oh my god they're so good yeah and then she was like and are you having the iron infusion and i was like right right eddie i'm paying all this money no one's told me any of this shit pico dressings are so good so good you used to use them at my other place yeah so anyway this lady that my friend was having um she delivers victoria

secret models babies oh wow so they have got one tight vagina yeah no cc section obviously and basically i can't tell you who but she's like a vip doctor so i was like well obviously i need to have her you are vip hon exactly so anyway i rang up my old doctor and i was just like yeah you're being dumped and i've got a new doctor now so do you have pay more or is it just yes yeah but how much more come on i think it's like everyone wants to know it's about an extra grand oh or two or five yeah well you have to pay for like those add-on bits so i'm having the pico dressing yes i'll tell you all they're like 400 pounds each aren't they just yes and then i'm having an iron infusion okay so after like you just like a drip kind of thing yeah yeah which

would make sense iron back into your body because you've lost it all in the blood yeah supposedly like it makes you feel way more energetic that completely makes sense exactly and then for two weeks before and two weeks after i have to do a no sugar diet what's this something to do with your womb and the way your womb heals like sugar impacts it well sugar's shit anyway isn't it so you're gonna manage right listen two weeks before fear was due in a hotel i would i sat and i ate chocolate after chocolate with wrappers all over and you're not gonna be able to and you know i just uh wow i would have to just eat crisps so i mean i don't think i'm gonna do the no sugar thing because excessive babe also the thing about the portland is after you've had a baby they bring

around that champagne afternoon that's really cute and i can't not know don't ruin listen just just cut it down a bit and i need to decide what room i'm staying in as well so they've got a standard room a deluxe room or sweet 101 i think you are sweet 101 i know but i would be in the broom cupboard i'd be in the toilet giving birth the car park the car park i paid 50 quid for the parking well i think i'm gonna go for a basic room to save money because i've already spent quite a bit but i'm hoping it might it might be free and then it might be like when you go to hotel i'm gonna ask for an upgrade yeah well if they're not using it no one best be having a baby that day hopefully not victoria's secret model today we're talking about sex i'm not getting any

you're not having sex not at the minute i'm not either but we are very horny people i right this is something to tell you guys you did have sex recently i didn't you did shut the fuck up um okay so i have always been on the pill we're gonna talk about that as well aren't we for the majority of my life we're actually gonna do a whole episode yeah i just went on it like everyone else did it like for 15 whatever right here i'll take that okay and like like a sheep i've just taken it i also take antidepressants um which maybe we'll talk about in another episode because it's that's kind of another subject that's quite interesting um and i have cut mine by half i'm gonna come off them um when i'm ready and when i want to because i'm very pro like do what you

want to fucking do when i'm ready i will but i've halved them so the the impact of halving the antidepressants and coming off the pill has affected my libido fucker um so i have never been a horny person really not arse i'm just not yeah i like it now yeah to be fair do you know what you're not like you know how a boyfriend i'm not at it all the time when we're like at work talking about stuff like that like you don't really join in you sit and laugh i'll say yeah and i'll say like vulgar things but i'm not like i'm not like oh god i'm horny today whereas i'd be like i've bought this yes yes i bought this underwear i bought this toy yeah yeah i'm just not been like that however if you're also the same as me and you are taking

certain medication you need to really think about it especially while we're in our prize and i never cared what now i am a bit horny i'm a bit like okay this is quite nice i feel like sexy girls can we just say as well can we fucking stop slut shaming oh it's 2020 fucking two i'm bored of that i'm bored of it like stop calling people sluts yeah if i am in a conversation at any point and someone calls someone a slut again i go i'm walking off yeah so i've had guys so when i talk to um guys guys are the worst yeah she's a bit of a slag i go mental and i go okay what's a slag then you tell me someone who slept with loads of people and why is that a slag does it make your vagina any bigger no why do they say that boys aren't different and if you're having regular sex

every night with your partner it makes your vagina no bigger than you know like when they're like oh girls have got a big family it's just not okay it's not right and let's stop it because if we stop doing it then men can't do it anymore exactly now this episode we actually were meant to do homework but we didn't so i've been busy i've been busy but ashley bought us two books yes it wasn't harry potter it wasn't harry potter okay so we bought two books i bought lauren how to give a good blow job the cover of the book is hilarious it is really fun it's like a woman popping her hand down and undies and then the one i got is called the better blow job everything you need to know about oral sex and it said with like a pinched nose so who teaches you to give how did

you learn i think i watched porn i watched porn from quite a young age oh my god i did can we talk about the phone why please can we tell them about the phone please right okay so basically lauren was fucked why is it always me and she lost her phone on a night out and my little sister god your poor little sister is dragged into everything she's so cute she lent lauren a iphone for a few weeks anyway we got the phone back i was sat watching tv and frankie comes in and she goes bursts out laughing i need to show you something lauren had downloaded numerous erotic novels onto the phone right so imagine me okay imagine so there was a reason i can't remember what it was but i couldn't get youtube or something yeah um so basically imagine being

me i gave i gave her the phone back i was like thanks for the lend hon and then like i'm sat there minding my own business one night and ashley texts me like you fucking dirty bitch i'm like what and so she'd run in her sister had been laughing and like look at what lot and it was which stories i'd read it was like one of them was about like school boys no it wasn't it was first time like yeah that's if i'm gonna go for any it's always the amateur yeah set up fake porn it's just not why do guys like that it's so fake like hello let me to cut your tree down and then i'll end up yeah do you know milf porn is the most viewed porn so yeah so we're hot as fuck yeah i am feeling a bit more like that at the minute and i like it so we're going to discuss

medication have you ever made a sex tape oh no once um i i slept with someone after a night out and luckily it was on my phone and i forgot about it and i went into work the next day and i was like looking at my pictures and i found and i look disgusting and i must think i'm sexy but i'm so drunk and i'm literally like this and i showed the girls in the office and they were like luckily they're on my phone i don't think i've ever done not set up properly oh it was disgusting i swear did you delete it we kept it for lols for a few weeks and then i was like it's got to go now thank god it was on my phone but no i haven't done like a full set have you like i made an actual like sex

no i've not like gone to the effort of that and also can i just say girls never do that and let a guy on anyone's phone yeah yeah it must be like legit i send nudes um oh my god i send that iphone thing okay so yeah i send nudes but do you ever recycle nudes we all recycle we've all got that folder of the good old trusty news and you need to just bang one out and you're not sexy in that minute but ashley told me something very fucking interesting that is going to save you recyclers lives yeah so basically i didn't know this but i caught someone out recently with something don't worry Ed's not been cheating on me yet um but when he does you'll be first to know yeah it's someone lying to me about something if you get an image on whatsapp or imessage and you

press save on your phone okay the image will then save into your archive and the date will be on there so I discovered this because someone sent me a picture and I saved it and I was like where's that picture and it was and it made the dates not add up it's kind of like when you say to me lauren have you done what and i'm like yeah yeah i definitely did it and then i send your picture and i didn't right so basically if you send someone a nude it will come up with the actual date you do you have to screenshot it and then redo it and send it from there don't send it from the original time you took it okay i mean anyone that's getting aggy with you over when you took a fucking nude yeah needs to go in the red anyway that's a nice anyway yeah exactly but just like a

heads up so my tips for taking nudes because i do love taking nudes and do you take full frontal nudes i've never taken a picture of my vagina same never i mean they're disgusting no one wants to see no one needs to see that ham sandwich we're gonna get ours done aren't we wound both of us yeah so we've talked about this um i would say mine's fine but i don't want fine everything can be better and as you get older i genuinely believe your skin gets looser and i think it does in your fanny as well yeah can you email that oh my god i thought you were gonna say can you show me your fanny can you we've done that before yeah oh god yeah um do you remember when i had surgery and i showed you my fanny after i had a different type of surgery oh my god mine looked like a baboon's

bum yeah and it all swelled up thank god i knew about that literally huge um yeah so we're gonna we're thinking about having it done but the first thing i want to do is that thing that we talked about the other week where i've had it yes so we're gonna do that and i'm gonna let you film it yeah let's get on to that the full front well you're not filming a funny what's it called ultra femme yeah we talked about it like the other week yeah let's do that right i'm putting that on my to-do um so yeah anyway tips for nudes honeybirdette is where my favorite lingerie is from have you ever bought anything off no my nudes are nude babe i've got like wearing have you got all sorts of stuff that you can can i come to your house um i've got all the stuff on

i'll get like 50 pictures that'll last me a good year yeah i've got loads like honestly so um i like having nice underwear and it all needs to be matching i mean day to day it's probably got holes in and shit but you know i've never been like a right i'm gonna get my sexy underwear you have to tell you why i feel a fucking prick no do you know what i feel stupid if you're a lazy person lauren or if you're on a budget do you know what always turns men the fuck on what a body stocking oh it's it's thrush in a in a in a stocking isn't it like they love body stockings okay you can and body stocking you could put the you could have sex with it still on couldn't you because it's got the big holes so you just put the body and then open the crotch bit yeah move

it to the crotch exactly so um but then i just feel the dick so what do you do you put it on then you walk and you go hi no so what like what i would do is i would say like right okay um i'm gonna go and get some nice underwear um for later have you got any preferences i'm embarrassed already um you actually have gone red and then i'll like send them a picture of like two or three things and be like which one do you want me to wear and then they'll tell me and then i put it on but then it comes straight off it doesn't you kind of keep it on okay right i'm gonna borrow some of your stuff and you send nudes in it as well okay because that's like a i think i'm all right in bed i just don't i do well i've been told i am i am um yeah i'll do yeah i am good

and i'm quite sexual you got any tips or tricks well we've not read our books yet but when we read the blow jobs have to be really wet oh right can i tell you something there is nothing worse than giving a blow job at 4am when you've been on the drink and you've been smoking or whatever and you're trying to do it but what you have to do is get a bottle of water and spit it on them and put it in your mouth

I oh no have you ever done that drank it and then like no anyway and you're trying to get your spit together

for the next one and you're like this and you're like come on for fuck's sake so a sloppy blowjob yeah but I struggle with that and also

you need to put your mouth over your teeth I don't think that's true you want to know how to disgrace the guy there's too many i think if you're thinking in your head about too many things we have fucking huge teeth though don't exactly if you're thinking in your head about too many things then you can be like

hi ho hi ho like playing a bagpipe i mean they're like oh my god bop it twist it bop it and your head's bobbing and you get neck aching next time I'm going to the play shop twist it, bump it, break it pull it, pull it oh don't, I'm crying

but isn't it funny sometimes sometimes you are like that and you're like I am the music band I come from everywhere I'm crying oh my god It's like, you know, you see people walking down the street

with a drum, a xylophone, some whistle on his head. Anyway, sucking a dick shouldn't be that fucking hard. It's not that difficult. Do you know, right, okay, I've got an idea, I've got an idea. Right, we're going to do this for one of our next episodes. We're going to ask your husband. My husband says he wants no involvement. And he's already been dragged into it.

Okay, so I'm going to ask a few of my best, I've got loads of guy best friends that I don't shag. No, and can we talk about that one day as well? Okay. I've got genuine, like we need to stop this. Anyway, so I'm going to ask them their sex tips and we're like, what girls should not do and what they, right, I'll do this

for the next sex episode. I'm going to tell you girls everything. Girls, but can we just say as well, we want to cover this. Like, this is only a snippet and we know that you love hearing about sex. I could talk about it all fucking day. So don't get cringed out that we're talking about sex.

If you don't like it, this isn't the news. turn it off you don't have to listen don't listen if you think we're massive whores for talking about this then fuck you you were listening to the wrong podcast but anyway if not if not so um we wanted to get back on to the fact of we shouldn't always be the ones buying underwear sucking their dick right blah blah blah boys you are 90 of you can't make us come so tell me how many times you faked an orgasm hundreds hundreds and and you just think like oh hurry up and fake it yeah hurry so it gets over and done with i can go all night please don't um guys if you're listening to this and i know some of you do honestly even my friend when i told him i was

like okay just so you know babe like girls fake it like no they don't i said no they do you can contract your vaginal muscles can you do that as well to make it feel yeah like a like a keep a pelvic floor yeah and he's like no you can tell because like and i was like no you can do that easy i can do it right now so he was like no i'm not having that you can tell they go all they go all funny yeah and we are actresses they don't care sometimes you do it for various reasons so one of the times there is i would do it can we stop doing it though we need to start doing it i'll tell you why i've done it in the past um first time sex and you're scared of it all not going well so you think let's just fake it you're never gonna come like the first time you're having

And you don't want to put them off and you don't want to... Also, I find like if you are doing oral, after a while, it's like, oh God, this is going on a bit and it's just not going to happen. So let's end it. I don't like any of that, no.

I'm not that keen. No, maybe because they've been shit. Yeah. So that's one reason. The other reason is the one of these that are going to go all night. No, when someone's vigorously fingering you. Oh, it hurts.

It hurts. And so what's happened is someone has told them once that the come hither motion... Yeah, makes people squirt. So they're going like this, come here come here come here as if they're like like literally that's uncomfortable so you have to fake it for that can i talk about something else as well what squirting it's not a thing

it's your in for one it has happened once my friends do using that thing that thing yeah my friends do um and lads are like i can make you it's because you've not been done right no that's not sure it's your and if you want me to piss on you then i can so right okay so let's get back to this so some lads say that they've made girls squirt or they can make any girl squirt okay so sunny jim is it not just that you've been fingering me far too vigorously i'm bored and i've pissed myself yeah to get you and i'm so bored i've pissed on you because after babies it's not hard to just make yourself piss yourself i could piss right now i could piss on command so is that or is it that they've got lucky in their eyes and they've got a girl that does generally join you

well i've got friends that squirt yeah so when you google it it is and they say it's not weird they say that i don't believe it when you google it it's something like 80 you're in they say that it's not but i i am i agree i'm very fascinated i'm fascinated and have you seen videos of people yeah it's like a waterfall so this is do you know that in porn they use a little thing that they put up it and they squeeze it and it breaks to push what like a little water bomb did you know that so it's not real not always no not on porn oh my god and this we need to stop showing thinking men that men thinking that this is real also can i just say like this is everything that's wrong with men now having sex they're like they go like

draw a cell bunny and it's because all they do is wank and watch aggressive porn yeah and we don't actually got jackhammers don't they like that's not okay no like that little bottom moving at the speed of fucking light stop them thinking that it's okay we need to take control yeah slow it down yeah and do you use sex toys i have got a fantastic sex toy story right um that was my friend one of my mates i've got loads of friends i have got so many stories like from not just me but actually from my friends i've got i could write a book on funny sex stories and they're my favorite ones as well sex toy girl okay so one of my friends was seeing a guy they went on a night out they all went back for a party um her her friend ended up in the living room and her and

the boy got in bed and did the thing at like four in the morning now they were quite adventurous and they had toys and stuff and one of the things that they had were anal beads so it was like the stick anal beads do you know which ones i'm meeting yeah and they go bigger bigger and that's i'm really you have to be careful with bum stuff you know you have to prepare for what might come so she put the anal beads up his bottom um and apparently when they're going to orgasm you rip them out well maybe not rip but pull them out and that was fine that happened and then she said when he's about to yeah you pull them out so she said next thing like she was moving around the bed and he was really sheepish he was like holding the covers either side of him yeah this is weird

and he was like clinging to them and she's like what's going on here he's like acting really odd anyway she didn't think anything of it her friend came in the room was like girl we need to get out of here now you know the 7am taxi vibe so she gets in the taxi with her and her friend's like what's that on your leg yeah and there's like a splat like brown dots so they're like what the fuck is that this is my friend of course so they're itching it sniff it it's poo as the anal bead has been dragged out the bottom poo has sprayed everywhere it has clearly sprayed in the bed hence why he's holding the sides and this poor girl is now in the taxi with shit up her leg no so that's the story for you um yeah i love um toys i love toys um i yeah i've used them on my

own i don't i honestly don't i don't need them yeah but i don't need them i i don't was your first wanking experience probably an erotic novel i think it was the sofa yeah i think it was like yeah rubbing do you remember that when you used to rub yourself on like when you used to go past like a pub and you'd go past your mum and dad and you'd think oh and have a little rub on the corner of the no or in the i know when it is in the pool everyone did that everyone in the pool on the so when i went did i tell you when i went with press the button again press it again bubbles bubbles that kind of thing yeah yeah yeah um everyone did it from there but i think showerhead showerhead oh i don't like that but yeah at an early age i think wanking for women is really

important are we calling it wanking i know what should we i can never find a good term for this masturbating sounds it sounds so like seedy yeah i think wanking i mean guys do it if we can say it about guys why can't i say if i've not had a wank i'm a grumpy bitch do you get like a build-up aggressive i'm not like that really but i think i'm quite male you are sexually you are definitely you are i think i'm like a man so i think women do it they should you should do it so we've got some tips here indeed we wrote them down we wrote some tips so as we were saying before like we're so over like slut shaming blah blah blah if you don't like talking about sex you don't have to listen you don't have to oh you can listen to our other episodes and not these ones

or it comes into most i don't think you'd like us if you don't like talking about sex um but we need to talk about it more i think if you compare the last season to this season we are so much more open and i'm gonna tell you why we think it's because people like us began to be more open last season and people seem to be all right with it yeah and people are like oh my god my friends think this i think this and i think that gave us the confidence to be even more also i've told my mom that she's not to listen anymore oh my mom absolutely not no um so that's family no no no so that's made me a little bit more open we block them charlie yeah a lot of fuckers um but yeah so i think we've become more open i would say this season we are no we are literally no

filters like i'm saying things that i know could get me in trouble and i don't care no fuck it whatever so these are the things that we think talk about sex openly yeah we have to now so like we said like there's a time and a place for it so obviously you're not going to talk about sex openly in front of like your friends partners i hate it when some people do that yeah like yeah yeah it's like i know this one girl and she's like it's like all she talks about for shock factor and i might shut the fuck up um but yeah talk about it more openly like with your friends that you trust yeah because it is a big part of where we all are in our lives but we wouldn't be here without it exactly your mom and dad did it next one that we've written down is

respect yourself and your boundaries okay so tell me what you think that means so i think that that i'm joking if um if there's certain little fuck boys out there that literally want to milk you for every last drop like they're just like sexual predators okay okay so you have to be able to spot them and say no unless you want to be that person oh my god absolutely fine so i guess that comes with your own boundaries about the videoing like don't let someone else video on their phone yeah and like you as a woman need to be in control this is the main thing it's being in control and that's really sexy anyway isn't it and i think maybe that's why at the minute we're into younger men do you think that's why they should follow your lead your lead yeah and if you're

comfortable doing it then you do it if you're not comfortable then you don't and you say no i'm not doing that get the next word to do yeah so we were gonna talk about drink spiking um and consent on this season but it just seemed a little bit heavy every time like we started getting into it it was just a bit heavy but next season i honestly think we really need to cover it yeah i agree because it's a full-on thing it's consent epidemic yeah consent is huge it's huge and we do need and i also i don't just think like where i was on the woman's side but i think for men as well i think sometimes women will be like i never said i could and actually you were both pissed and you did it yeah you know so i think men should be more protected with it as well in

all honesty on this one yeah it works both ways so we need to talk about that okay buy hot underwear and toys so lauren i've just preached to you okay we're gonna do this i am gonna borrow some of your stuff yeah i'm gonna what how much are we gonna laugh at me in some fucking stuff of yours should we take some pictures love honey is always yeah i like love honey yeah because you can order stuff and like it's not too expensive i remember when i moved out of my um old apartment like there was this guy in my apartment block if you're listening to me number eight and he used to really piss me off and he used to go on about don't put plastic and bins in the bins anyway when i came to move out no one knows this i put all of my dildos did you put it on the wrong bin tell me it was the

wrong bin as well not the plastic amazing brilliant brilliant um so yeah i honestly just think though like invite for you not for them you need that extra like judge like go into a shop and be like i want some hot as fuck underwear and it will make you feel better do your tan shave yeah like you might not know what's exciting come on i think the process of knowing you're gonna meet somebody or you're gonna get it that night you shave you clean your ears with a cotton bud i mean i do that anyway but do you know like do you know what i mean and you clean your bumhole oh my god can we talk about bum hole cleaning one of my friends puts a um oh no i think that's dangerous yeah i think that's dangerous what i do i don't do anal stuff though no but just anyway what about

finger no i think they're gonna put a finger up what if you have my ass not even a little little finger okay so what you need to do is get your finger get a load of lathered soap pop it a little bit up the anus and rim it like give it a little rim because you never know what they're gonna do and if you're bent over and bam the finger goes up and you've not prepared you've got a smelly bottom it's their fault for going up i agree but that's just a little thing so all that kind of stuff putting fragrance body lotion on like doing your hair i do like all that laura mercier coconut body lotion just done we'll get you laid there's also locatan is it oh yeah they do an um almond something and oh jesus oh honey uh wanking makes you feel better yeah do it if you want and also

learning what you like you can then do it now with a partner this is a big one okay i know we talked about our vaginal reshaping and shit but can i just say men don't actually give a fuck don't care what your fanny looks like as long as it doesn't smell let's stop worrying about your vagina you're only young once men don't give a fuck if one flaps longer than the other and if you can pull them out and put them over your head and tie them in a fucking bow like no one's bothered um no one's bothered and we talked about it before but mainly because we're just fucking idiots really like it's unnecessary and we're idiots and it's our hobby but in general please there's two ways of this okay so don't worry about it don't be arsed about it however if it is very

much impacting you you can do something about it should you want to i've had friends that have had it done and it's changed a lot i've had friends that have had it done but like let's just get back to what this stems from is us all watching porn yeah and thinking that vaginas should look like four-year-olds and arses and everything yeah and you know what honestly men don't give they just want to shag they just want to stick their dick in you and they're not bothered what's around it as long as they're not ours yeah my guy mates have never when we've talked about it none of them have ever been like oh and a fanny was like this they're not really bothered and you know what we do talk about men's cock size so we like it's unfair no yeah it's really unfair what

we do and i was talking to someone about this if you're a man with a small penis there's fuck all you can do about it so it's not nice i know we do it but it isn't nice oh they they can't do anything they've been born with their lives yeah you can't make it bigger you can't have surgery we can have surgery all the money in the world all the money in the world ain't gonna give you a bigger dick because you need to have a good personality guys and learn how to finger yeah i mean one of my old colleagues told me a story once of this guy and his cock was literally an inch big and she said that when she was giving him a blow job she couldn't even put a hand around it it was a four that's an illness yeah no but she said he's got children now and we always the balls

are fine the kids are in the balls get easily like my vagina oh my god jake dribble straight out okay i get it um but yeah we shouldn't talk about men's dicks but we do and we talk about listen oh my god we talk about like how the pubes the saggy the balls yeah we all do as women we all do as women so it's kind of like that with us let them talk about the vaginas they're all different and also like stop worrying about it it's really not a big deal and no one cares so just get it out get your fanny out do you know one guy said to me once in high school what get your rat out oh like in a serious romantic way i don't remember i just remember being like get your rat out so yeah summer 2022 get your fanny out get your fanny out

right sex stories lauren told the one about her friend um i've had before where i've done an otp assessment and i've had to get out yeah i've not had sex with that many people okay i've not do you know the number i'm not going to say it no i don't so but it's not many i don't know mine um but i kind of i had some quite long relationships didn't i so that writes you off for a good six years so you have to catch up yeah um i don't know i actually don't know no and we had covered which wiped our head count out exactly i don't even do you know what i'm gonna work mine out i i honestly don't know many at all are you below 20 yeah way yeah yeah i'd say i'm probably below like i did i've never had

a casual like um okay what do you call it one night stand or a one night stand i've never done one actual one night stand was it in my life it was yin yang oh my god maybe i shouldn't say isn't it so let me tell you let me tell you see this is what i mean i'm saying stuff here that like seriously secret here like yin yang right okay is that his name yeah i'm gonna tell you i can't believe i'm saying this guys you need to subscribe and stuff and get this big because otherwise i've ruined my life for nothing okay so i have only ever had one one night stand and that is where you meet someone in a club or whatever and you go home with them and you don't know them you don't know them it happened to me before thea um and i went home with him it's all a blur in all honesty

there was a shower involved honestly i don't it's a blur and me waiting outside like some hotel it's a blur but anyway one thing i remember i don't shouldn't say what if they find him anyway one thing i remember is he had a yin yang tattoo on his neck right okay and my friends sounds lovely yeah it was fair it was anyway my friends then referred to him as yin yang for like forever it's like an ongoing thing because i didn't it wasn't something i'd done before i did again his name i can't remember anything other than this tattoo lauren okay so then um a couple of years later i'm out in neighborhood in manchester i'm pregnant okay big not big semi big um and it was a works night out and we're in there and i'm holding my glass and i'm sober and you know that moment on

telly where everything goes and then it zooms in like and the picture gets bigger bigger bigger in front of you like those those apps on on those filters so i'm looking across the room i see this neck and then like my eyes zoomed in and the yin yang's getting bigger and bigger and he says fucking him it's him he wasn't even from manchester he's from like london and i'm like and my friend's like what what and i'm like yin yang and she looked and he's fucking there right listen gets worse ready for this i was like what we're gonna do what we're gonna do she went he won't remember and i was like well what how embarrassing so i walked past him listen and i wasn't pregnant enough to really tell i walked past him he tried it on with me he didn't know

that i'd already done it so he walked past me you're right babe what's your name and i was like and was he fit yeah he's like you're right babe what's your name and i thought i've shagged you and you don't remember and that was it and i was like and i went home and that's one of my worst stories that i've just told the fucking nation oh my god right funny sex stories we actually don't have time on this to go through them all but we got loads we've talked too much but we've got loads so if you like episodes about sex do you tell us because we've got so much to tell you there's so much to talk about and it's not just us it's like your stories as well guys and you guys listen please please guys pop in the dms i'm gonna do my research now i'm gonna speak to my

lad mates i'm gonna find out tips of what we should be doing what they hate us doing that we think that they like their funny stories all that kind of thing i'm gonna do we'll do a full episode on it if you want us to like tell us what you want dilemma of the week dilemma of the week right okay is everyone ready i'm ready i've been dating someone for a couple of months and when we first started dating we were using condoms they were pretty cheap looking variety in a purple box and we hadn't used them for about two months due to me going on the pill okay a week ago when i was round at his house he'd gone out to work and i couldn't find my skirt i know where this is going honey you don't need to lie to us you were snooping you were snooping

it's worth pointing out he's a massive neat freak the only mess in his bedroom being a couple of neatly folded piles of clothing on the floor ready to be put away it sounds like ed um i searched high and low for my skirt whilst looking under the bed and i saw the box of condoms so she got of course she got neatly stored underneath in a very visible position thinking that maybe he chucked my skirt in one of his drawers whilst tidying i checked the main few and to my surprise i found another box of condoms this time very fancy jorex ribbed ones which we definitely hadn't used it struck me as a little bit suspicious and he definitely had bought them after we'd stopped using the condoms as i found the receipt and it's only from two months ago

what do i do right how serious is this relationship so the serious enough that she's counting condoms but so firstly you might have been having a posh wank right first things first what i would say is oh yeah they do there is a posh one so at this stage i would say your senses are up now your spidey senses just at least he's using condoms if he's cheating on you true so she's not gonna get like clap yeah because that could be worse that'd be way worse yeah um so the first thing is this should now in make you think i wouldn't give up that we've spoken about this before don't give up the ghost don't fucking tell them yeah because she could get on her phone and bang a text like where the fuck are these and then he knows she's on to him and he can't he hides all

the evidence so yeah keep the information you know over the next few weeks months you start to you know something's off how can she have sex with him when she knows he's probably shagging someone else um do you see what their eyes closed i don't know oh lauren no i think i'd have to say give yourself a bit longer mate just a week pretend you're on your period have that week investigate get a fucking microphone and put it in his trainer in his bedroom i know somebody oh i know someone who did that yeah put a microphone in the trainer and heard i know someone that did that in their their um husband's car yeah i've heard that too i don't know what a man that did it to a girl so yeah do something you've got a week now to get more evidence and

then if you can't get it then maybe you blow but you're not going to find out the truth because he's gonna lie anyway but it'd be quite fun watching him squirm and see what lie comes up with always do it face to face don't ever do these confrontations on the phone or via text on the phone because then they have time to think yes on the phone it gives them and they go like this what did you say yeah another few seconds what do you mean for another few seconds like a politician yeah so you'll say like i found the condoms and they'll be like what condoms and that gives them three seconds i think the fucking condoms sorry what did you say you think i'm cheating yeah another three seconds yeah well are you crazy another three seconds don't do it on

text either that gives them ages you do it face to face with no distractions watch the little bastard squirt i've had a friend that found out um she'd been cheated on and like this was years ago she got chlamydia yeah and it was just from i think it was when that that big campaign was out where everyone in manchester had chlamydia and like every time you went to the doctor yeah every time you went to the doctor you had to have a chlamydia yeah because they were like you're all at it yeah so she got the text back saying like that she had it as well and he convinced her that she'd got it from a hot tub no oh honey yeah wow but like from rubbing her bits on the on the bubbly bit at what point like if you really like someone like that's not evidence

that he is cheating on you he's just bought condoms and you know what the other thing that they say um if you say got chlamydia they'd be like you've probably always had it like yeah had it before me there's all they never one of my friends come on cheated on a boyfriend yeah Chlamydia knew that she'd given it to him and she's crushed up the antibiotics in his food. Does that work? Yeah, I can't see why not. Yeah.

Stop it. Well, he's a dickhead for expecting all these meals made. So there you go. If he cooked himself, he wouldn't have the tablet in there. Fuckers. Anyway, thank you for listening again this week. It was a bit all over the shop. As usual.

But I'm sure you enjoyed it. Follow us on Instagram. Send us your stories in. Send us your stories. We need content. Always anonymous. And we love them. We love you all.

stories and dilemmas so our podcast page is at ntngaf and our personal pages are at the cosmetic consult and at laurenelizabeth underscore xx and we'll see you next week