Nip Tuck - The Wedding Edition

Episode Date: June 29, 2021

Ashley's whirlwind wedding has been hot gossip for long enough – so it's time to throw the bouquet and set the record straight.While we're on the wedding theme, Ashley & Lauren share your ultimate bridezilla stories from hilarious hen dos to the reality of being a bridesmaid. Plus, a very special edition of Ashley's Appointments from Lauren that you don't want to miss.Follow the podcast on Instagram at @NTNGAF, Ashley at @thecosmeticconsult and Lauren at @laurenelizabeth_xx Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hi there, I'm Ashley and I'm Lauren and welcome to Nip, Tuck and Not Giving. It's always you that has to swear. This is the podcast where Lauren and I set the record straight. We're two single mums who work in the cosmetic surgery industry and all we want to do is share our advice, our opinions on different topics that we know are quite popular and relevant at the minute okay so our most asked and my most asked question is about this wedding the wedding don't know why everyone wants to know about it i do why i told you last time because you didn't have a boyfriend and then you got married so we want to know why and how i'll i'll tell you some bits and bobs on it anyway how are you today lauren today i am anxious i've got such bad anxiety i've had

it coming all week and i don't know if you suffer with anxiety which i know you do then you'll know you can feel it coming and building and this week has just it's been slowly yeah slowly building where you don't know if you need a poo or you're gonna be sick or you're gonna cry or laugh and my insides are like no i've got like nerves but why are you anxious i've no idea i've no idea i've not had it for ages and it's just i think i've been really busy i've been trying to work trying to balance the i feel like i'm not seeing fear enough yeah because i'm working so much i've got mum guilt and then she's her behavior is disgusting at the minute she's been scratching me and biting me i'm not lying and i think it's because she's annoyed with me i don't know i think

she's pissed off i don't know i'm pissed off so yeah so i've got anxiety however it's one of those things we get it it comes and goes i think of it as a cold where like you know it's coming you know you're gonna get it you know how long it's gonna last and you know it's gonna pass so yeah yeah you just need to rest this weekend i think and recharge yeah i'm getting pissed eat and drink i'm getting pissed no don't think that that's the right thing to do but here we go we move we move to a psychiatrist we move okay ashley let's be honest everybody's interested in this wedding of yours and i know you say it's not interesting i don't know how you can think it's not when somebody i mean instagram you don't

see everything but somebody goes from from appearing to be single to being full-on married with a full-on wedding that's like perfect a photographer everything within I mean I know how quickly you did it and then all of a sudden everyone was like her name's changed her surname's changed and everyone was on to it so I think it's about time that you just let us know what what happened okay so you were actually one of the first people that I told thank you and you were like what I woke up at half seven or whatever time it was and I had a message off on my phone of Ashley and it said mate I'm getting married and I was just like ah okay what and then she's like yeah I'm gonna get married it's gonna be quite soon so you just need to look at your dates

and I was literally like yeah sound yeah like Lauren was just like yeah that's fine if that's what you want to do I mean you were kind of the same with the way in which you got proposed to and everything I got proposed to in the front room after two months so uh yeah so I understand that and i'm not judgy i'm i'm like yeah let's go let's do it okay so what do you want to know i want to know how it happened i want to know were you together beforehand i want to know why you seemed not to be together and then married what i want to know the background we all do okay i'm gonna keep it like vague because everyone doesn't need to know everything well as much as you what we want to know a bit i can't even remember everything like what was it three months ago

and it honestly just like still doesn't feel real it's absolutely crazy so we were together for six years and then we split up amicably i remember you being together you were together when we were working together yeah yeah yeah so i was together for years with him um and he actually like is the love of my life and always was and i was so devastated when we split up um but we did and we both did different things and I don't regret any of that and then and you went and had a baby yeah I had a baby and got engaged to someone else in the meantime but still still again we moved we moved um and then he just like turned up at my front door on a Sunday and asked me to marry him see that's just so so did you know it was coming um so I had some messages off him in the evening

on the saturday and i was staying at one of my friends houses and we were both like this is very strange maybe he's drunk or something so we just ignored the messages and then i texted him back in the morning and i was like are you okay like were you drinking last night he was like no i've not slept a wink i need to come around and see you now so then he turned up at my house and he just said i've just like i want to marry you now he's not a man of many words so i would like to know what the phrase will you marry me i'd like to know what what the phrase was he was just like i really want to be serious why am i doing an impression because whenever i think of him that's what i do um he was just like i've i've been thinking a lot about you and the last few nights

like I haven't slept or anything bit like your anxieties yeah but I'm not going to propose to anyone if I propose to anyone say no because I don't mean it so um yeah he he just said I've not really slept the last few nights and I can't stop thinking about you and you're the only person that I want to be with and if I'm honest we had been seeing each other for the year um so at the beginning of Covid I became single and it was really really hard I was literally living on my own with Saskia nursery closed work was intense because I was a manager at a private hospital at the time so I was considered a key worker so I had to go in every single day and get child care and because I was working in a hospital no one wanted to see me it was when we didn't know that

much and none of my friends would see me which is understandable because everyone was freaked out anyway long story short started so he was there for you yeah and i was seeing different people he was seeing different people which is fine yeah we were both and maybe a good thing a really good to learn about ourselves and we needed to and i just think that you know if you can go through all of those different things and then still realize that you want to be together then yeah so he came around and proposed i was like yeah okay all right then pal let's do it so he comes around he proposes to you you decide you're gonna get married then you had to plan the thing which actually you did incredibly really quickly how did that happen did you just get onto it straight

away what was your plans obviously your numbers were limited so he was like i just feel like we need to get married as soon as possible because i know loads of people are gonna have loads of stuff to say about it yes and i was in total agreement on that we were both like we're both grown-ups we decided to get married let's just do it on our own and then tell everyone but that wasn't possible because we were still in covid so one of my really good friends um got married in covid as well and i rang her and told her and she was like oh this is amazing here's my wedding planner's number shout out to sandy my wedding planner she was unreal and she literally rang around everyone see if we could get like a priest round to the house oh my god um like different

what are they called registry offices were closed so we couldn't do that yeah we couldn't do anything so we managed to get booked in as the first wedding at the church on the day the church opened up wow that was so we had two and a half weeks to plan everything and it wasn't stressful at all and i had everything is that because you had that help do you think from the planner yeah i couldn't have done it without the wedding planner but also i just think that i've never wanted a big wedding i don't have time for that in my life like work always comes first with me i'm so so busy i even went back to work the day after my wedding and had a full day of clients and it just wasn't that big of a deal for me obviously getting married part was a massive

deal but that's all we wanted to do the actual wedding like i wore a 300 pound suit off the internet you looked unbelievable though you would in a 20 pound yeah well lace number i just think that if i'd have had more time to think it over then it would have got a bit more complicated and a bit more stressful and i didn't want it to be stressful i just wanted it to be we've got married and that's it your nearest people yeah and i just some of my friends i mean it's absolutely amazing commitment to him i've been to some amazing weddings but like a two-year planning wedding thing like no that just doesn't appeal to me my wedding planning probably lasted longer than my wedding really yeah and that didn't take that long so both of them were quite short in all

honesty but yeah i think you can plan for so long and then the thing with weddings is the day becomes about some other people exactly showing off it becomes about all that kind of thing rather than the guest list just like spirals and there was literally 11 people at the church and then a handful of people afterwards at the house all I cared about that my family my daughter was there well I heard that she wasn't there she definitely do you want to see a picture I've seen a picture I can confirm that she was definitely there yeah she was there and it was amazing and I wouldn't change anything for the world and we're together now and that's it yeah done happily ever after happily ever after yeah that's what you all think so Ashley now you're married you are a married

woman but you still call yourself a single mum yeah why is that because I think I'm a single mum because I'm single but you're a married mum so talk me through that well I just think that it's a badge that I wear every day with absolute pride I went through that by myself and it's something you know that other women can relate to I think you've done your time yeah exactly so that's why and I guess partly you know you're married now yes but your daughter isn't married you're married but that's not her dad yeah so day to day you still it's your i don't want to say burden because that's not the right word but it's your responsibility yes you're very not anybody else's yeah so you still take that on your shoulders definitely so because you got married

pretty smooth pretty quick and part of the reason was that you didn't have other people's opinions i feel like you missed out on a lot of the stress that comes with a wedding that i had myself um it ends up causing a lot of problems for people i know and it's so funny because i feel like people would expect me to be the most high maintenance like i am wearing a big dress and having all the attention i know this sounds really awful thing to say but i've got that much attention on myself all the time that i really didn't need it you really didn't want it no i like i obviously you know me i quite enjoyed that but it does that's why i had an abroad wedding but it does cause real problems and i think you come into so many different situations hen do's

if you're going abroad who's going honestly it's a huge thing i feel like especially if you're in our age range a lot of our friends weddings have been cancelled throughout covid and hen do's and all kinds of different events you know we we're coming up to what like 18 months basically nearly and i just i feel really sorry for them but at the same time i'm really sorry but your wedding is not the be all and end all yeah that's how you feel i managed to plan one in covid and it was amazing like why can everyone not just do that because that's what you wanted but if someone else has been planning it for years and they've got this image that's different to what you wanted no you're not having an issue pulling a face she doesn't get it i get it but i do think weddings

bring up so much drama and drama and one of the things that we did was ask our listeners about this yeah money is money is the big thing money's the big thing yeah um and also offending people yeah oh my god people that are easily offended need to jump off a cliff oh god when it comes to stuff like this like they just need to need to back off yeah they do i hate people that are easily offended they mustn't get invited to a lot of stuff and then like they get invited to certain things and they decide they're like orchestrating everything so it causes the drama so we asked a lot of you guys if you knew um or you'd had any or your friends had had any or you've been involved in any hendu bridezilla drama moments and there's some really good ones this one really like hit

home with me because i've been in this circumstance a few times and it's not just about the money side i think it's also about like taking time off work for me is more than just paying to go on a trip yeah child care those few days that you're missing with your child and then also paying for the child care it all adds up so this lady says i've been asked to go on a hen do abroad it's going to cost over a thousand pounds i've got kids i don't want to feel left out but i want to keep up with everyone what do i do i think that's such a difficult one it's common it's very common very common and i think how i'm looking at this from the bride's point of view so she may have a circle of friends and everyone's in a different position financially yeah from the bride's point

of view she may have a bit of money or she may have some savings she wants to do something incredible for her hen do why should she feel like she can't do that because certain friends can't afford it but at the same time if that's your best friend in the world and you know she can't afford it would you even put it out there i wouldn't i honestly wouldn't i mean i understand the whole trip thing but i've been on some hendys where we have to pay for the bride what yeah i'm being serious that's the thing that is the thing i can barely afford for myself well i know exactly but going back to this girl here i honestly don't think the bride would be that bothered if you i read this book once i can't remember i love a bloody book and it was something

like how to say no to things oh yes i know that one have you read it do you think i've read it do i ever say no i've not read the book yeah it's so good and in the book it's like what is it the art of saying no yeah art of not giving a fuck no it's not that one i'll i'll think of what it's called and there's loads of stuff about hendus in there and it's like instead of just got like flaking around like people do you know stringing people on in the whatsapp group chat that's annoying i think you best just bow out initially and be like listen i'm you know a bit stuck for cash at the minute child care count me out and then i feel like you've made that decision in yourself instead of staying in the group chat hearing what all the penis hats and stuff and

knowing you're not going to be wearing them just bow out at that point and i you know if she is your true friend then she won't mind and maybe say to her can i take you out for dinner one night yeah can we do something else and obviously that doesn't help with the fact that she's feeling left out and that's just really shit and there's nothing you can do about that but that's just one of those things sometimes isn't it yeah and again like going back to me sorry to talk so much but for example i've got um abroad hendys that i've been asked on and i haven't even been on my honeymoon yet and i'm not being funny i've only got a certain amount of days that i can take off work and get child care for i'll be prioritizing myself before any of that

so yeah why not it's your life and i won't feel guilty about it good for you so on that dilemma lauren your wedding was abroad what made you want to do that i was that dickhead that wanted to go abroad and everyone had to pay for it so wedding videos amazing by the way right can we share that can we share that so my charlie you'll cry no it's wow um my wedding video is unreal i know i'm saying it myself but anyway the wedding was amazing um and we did decide to do it abroad well i did selfish reasons again because you have to think about yourself number one i'm never getting married if there's a chance it's going to rain it's not happening i'm not doing that i love sunshine i love being abroad um number two i wanted to tie it in with a little holiday and i loved the

idea of going away and all your wedding party being away together so you get to know each other first which is exactly what happened the whole wedding party knew each other before the day it was a holiday it was a holiday for everyone but normally you go to a wedding and you don't know anyone it's a bit awkward everyone was mates by them so would you be bothered if like i had said to you because obviously i was meant to come but we'll go into that in a little later what would you have thought if someone had said to you lauren i can't come that happened that happened and that was fine absolutely fine when i decided to do it abroad i knew that there would be certain people that couldn't go uh it oh this sounds awful but actually that was quite helpful yeah because the

guest list is a ball lake now if you say it's abroad all the little people that are tag alongers that want to come for a free dinner they're not going to come yeah so the people that don't like you that much no this is why i did it so the people yeah they come just for the crack so and you want to invite them you don't even like them so i knew that people who didn't really like me and that i didn't like but we had to pretend that we liked they're not going to pay and come and went on holiday with me so i got rid of the dry chicken exactly yeah so i got rid of so many people by doing that and it was only the real ones that are going to pay to come oh but there were people that couldn't come though which was sad can i just say like on that note when people invite you to an

abroad wedding obviously then you have to pay and abroad hen do or like a london hen do and then they put one of those stupid notes in the card like the poem like we have everything we just need your your presents and presents but we like money yeah yeah yeah i did that no i didn't i didn't it's not okay i was the opposite so i said to everyone who mentioned it to me do not give me a present i don't want i don't want a mr and mrs champagne flutes which by the way i kept for so long afterwards and then once someone came around for a drink and i was pouring them a prosecco no lie or whatever i was pouring them this guy and it was a mr glass and i didn't know how embarrassing um but yeah i didn't want that i genuinely i feel if you're doing it abroad

you have to accept and you have to be so grateful that people have chosen to yeah they've taken their full their week's holiday that might be all year to be with you they've paid for it you can't then want anything else off them you just can't do that no i agree completely so do you buy people wedding gifts i do i buy people wedding gifts i didn't buy you one i didn't even get you a card what i don't expect when i honestly think now it's so much like effort and hassle you've got to your outfits costing you like 500 pounds at least hair makeup i'm not the best hotel i'm not good at stuff like this anyway really i'm a really good friend as in i'll always be there if you murder someone i'll bury them with you but i'm not the most thoughtful ashley's little girl's

christening i forgot to get her um a present then i left the card in the car so i went up to her while she was mingling and put 50 quid in a handbag and i was like there you go mate buy her something nice because so that's the friend i am so i wouldn't expect what i don't expect it back though i wouldn't want a wedding present what are you gonna get me a photo album yeah so we've covered abroad weddings being asked for cash by poem never do that guys it's not something we do and if you have done it i mean i hope you spent the cash wisely surgery um okay here's one i've been asked to be a bridesmaid but i have to buy the dress and shoes and i can't afford it it's over 600 pounds and i actually don't like them and wouldn't re-wear them

right okay so with my wedding um i bought the bridesmaids dresses but they were cheap they were really nice but they were cheap so that was fine yeah um would i have expected them to no and when the last wedding that i was a bridesmaid at i didn't pay for the dress i don't think they should have i don't think they should have i think you could always say like buy your own shoes because then you can you can rewear them yeah shoes but i think the dress and stuff i don't know i wouldn't expect that and i think if you are the bride and you can't afford um to pay for it all then i think you need to look at your budget and you need to sit down with the people that you're going to ask and find out their budgets like just be honest about it and say look

i'm not going to be able to afford to buy dresses so are you okay doing that if so what is your budget everybody and then let's work off that that's a piss tank that's a lot of money and i just feel like you're putting a lot of pressure on someone and then obviously on top of that she's gonna have to buy all this mad underwear to go underneath it because you know what the dresses are always like slinky and stuff like that i'm just gonna have to diet which is tight exactly no it's not on that i just i would i tell her to fuck off and you're not being a bridesmaid anymore what if i ride no i'd say to the bride right i'm not doing it yeah i i mean i wouldn't say fuck off i'd turn around just be like i would love to be a bridesmaid and why don't i

come and sit and get ready with you all that morning but i'm not paying 600 pounds for a dress and shoes and they're disgusting and they're going to ruin your pictures yeah exactly oh oh this is one what do you think of what people wearing white to a wedding no i don't either no you don't do it it's it's rude you don't do it i don't think you should ever do that the the what about cream no i don't think you should wear cream you know no light just no i just don't think it's very nice what about black because i've like asked people before because i only wear black is this okay to wear and they're like you can't wear black to a wedding and i'm like why i feel like you can wear black i would ask the bride though i think why not you could

ask the bride that but then if she said no ash ash what do you remember this is oh my god do you remember it's you're gonna remember it now my hen england hen do oh yeah and i made everyone wear pink oh yeah and i made everyone wear and see that was a bit bridezilla i made everyone wear dusky pink right actually nearly nude no it was dusky pink it was it nude yeah and ashley doesn't wear that and she nearly didn't come she absolutely she was so angry and i wouldn't change it and she was so mad and she turned up and she was like i don't even like this dress and color she was so angry with me and i was like well that's the color scheme mate so just don't come then that is you do get a bit bridezilla you do look like knobs on the night out as well yeah i

don't know why i did that here we go bridezilla stories so just a few snippets of things that we've heard and then we'll uh give our opinion not that it matters on some of them this lady said that she went to a house party hen do recently and they all had to pay 200 pounds cash at the door to contribute to contribute towards the wedding a one day hen do right so what do you think about this in my eyes if you're throwing a party you pay you pay what about if you're going somewhere for a meal and it's like a set meal would you say right we're going to the hen do it's going to be at this place it's this much ahead do you agree with that or do you think that should be paid for also the meal should be paid for but drinks everyone does go a bit

overboard if you say i'm paying for the meal so i would say like i'll pay 700 pounds say towards the meal but after that everyone needs to contribute because i've had parties before where people really have taken the piss with that christening the bar bill like i found out that people were ordering jaeger bombs like is there a need for that yeah yeah not at all it's rude and people do take the piss so i agree like with the whole if you're having a meal and you have a budget then you say to everyone a thousand pounds is my budget after that are you all okay to chip in and more often than not you don't actually have to chip in yeah or it only ends up costing i could actually 200 and i'll just think oh i'll just put that in myself so that no one's got any

stress but you actually have got without being rude the money to do that yeah so imagine if it was somebody when they needed they wanted to have a hen do and they all they wanted to go out for a meal but they physically could not pay for 10 of their friends to have the meal so i guess can you afford 30 quid each so you've covered the dinner i don't know it's not me i know but what i'm saying is don't like have it do a spread at home that's what i did i literally like gave my sister some money and i said order some pizzas get some alcohol we've got some music play some games and it was absolutely amazing within your budget you do it within your budget and and not just that i feel like at the minute because of everything that's going on like are you really gonna have

that much fun going out sometimes people just do stuff to say they can put it on instagram or for like their reputation i agree there's loads of stuff that i don't share but also i'm really not lavish with stuff like that i just think live with that within your means and that whole like if you can't afford it don't do it if whatever happens surely you can afford 200 quid at home and do you know what for that you could still throw a nice party yeah so as we always do we like to involve you guys and we asked you if you had any funny bridezilla bride hen do stories that you could tell us anything wedding anything wedding and funny and you guys are hilarious every time we do this we just laugh we've got the best followers and listeners ever so here's one

that i really like okay and it's about proposal location i used to be an air hostess for an airline flying long haul from manchester halfway through the flight to the caribbean while i'm out with my drinks trolley the lad asks me to propose to his girlfriend for him so one's at one side of the aisle one the boy and the girl's at the other side of the other aisle and she's going down with a drinks trolley and he's gone that's quite cute are you joking no right anyway listen so he whispers to her propose to my girlfriend on the other side and she's put as if that wasn't mortifying enough for me he was on his way to the caribbean why didn't he do it in the caribbean anyway she's put luckily she said yes it would have been awkward if she'd said no i was down

on one knee to her oh i think that's cute they ended up snogging between me and my drinks trolley because they were sat on the aisle seats you think that's cute yeah they were going to the caribbean and he got an air hostess to propose to you know what i do not understand when i see people that go on holiday i think this is it it's coming they're gonna get engaged and they get engaged on like the last day of the holiday like are you not gonna like have all like that fun while you're there like we've just got engaged loads of free drinks and stuff yeah like all the attention and at the end and then you get on the plane what the hell what a shitter yeah so it's not that bad that one so another one that we had that i thought was quite funny it was that her bridesmaid dress

was so much like a wedding dress that her and her uncle got congratulated all night imagine so one lady has messaged and said i went to a wedding where they provided a bus from church to the reception only they never paid the driver so we were pretty much all held to ransom on this bus while we all did a collection to pay the driver i bet they knew what they were doing that's not okay i bet they knew they did that on purpose didn't they okay so this one isn't a wedding story but it is a major life event now baby showers someone has written in to say that they've had to pay 85 pounds to go to someone's posh afternoon tea baby shower so i've been in this situation i hated my baby shower by the way and i just i would never no no i wouldn't do it

again everyone was getting pissed and i was tottering around in heels and it was just horrible i had mine done had mine sorry a really nice place and i had this same dilemma because i was like i can't ask everyone to pay individually but then i thought i really want it somewhere nice so at the end of the day i wanted something nice i paid for it and i didn't do like a full sit-down meal i did like you like we said before you can do it to your means so i had like champagne when you came in yeah then you got you the rest of it yourself um i'd like kind of pays and things going around i decorated it myself um and didn't pay for it however i have been and i think it's quite the norm like an afternoon tea thing yeah there's been a few times in my life where i've

been invited to baby showers and then i've they've said this is the the afternoon tea this is how much it is can you transfer it and i didn't i didn't mind i'll be honest because to me it was 50 quid but to that person it would have been you know 500 so i didn't mind doing that but then at the same time like how do you not know that your single friend would have rather have spent the 50 on a night out than being forced to sit at your afternoon baby shower well i don't think i mean everyone would rather go on a night out but i don't think that's really the thing you have to do these baby showers do you know the advice i gave my friend at the baby shower where you have to write it down and put in the thing and um it was read out and it was really embarrassing because

i didn't think it would be what i wrote um split up split up with the baby's dad quick you get every other weekend off and it was yeah no well i thought it was funny and it wasn't well the other thing about the baby showers is you have to buy a present you have to go it's usually on a sunday when it's like family day so i think that people should bear all of that in mind and you know what i don't get as well when people are on like number three and four baby shower really yeah aren't you meant to just have one i thought it was just one why can't you have one for every baby tell you what's getting big gender reveal no i bet that makes you sick the balloon pop yay and then the cuddle oh the cuddle when they found out what it is it's not okay um i wouldn't have one of those

personally no no definitely not okay lauren you mentioned that you had one to me earlier and you wouldn't tell me so come on okay so this story actually is just a really funny story and it's not that much to do with weddings other than it happened on my hen do and i've not told you on your hen do um no on my friend's hen do so we went abroad um and we went to somewhere in majorca but we ended up going out in magaluf so we went to um magaluf we went on this really wild night out and classy classy me and one of my friends um stayed out all night and didn't know where we were the sun then rose and we had to get back to our hotel our batteries had gone we were in the middle of absolutely nowhere so we were walking down a dual carriageway staggering we were wearing

yesterday's hen do swim costume from the boat and we were staggering now there were people going on the morning run and we were crying laughing falling over we didn't know where we were going it was so hot and we had no phones so we carried on going and then it got to a point where we're like this we can't do this anymore like this is so i said we're gonna have to flag someone down did you have money on you we had nothing so we flagged the we flagged the car down and thank god this um four by four pulled up with a man in it and he put the window down and he was he was english he was cockney and he said you all right girls i said no we really need to get back to this particular area and we've been walking for hours and we're still really drunk and and he said just

listen just get in just get him so i got in the front my friend got in the back and off we set off and i'm looking at him and he's like what so what happened then and he looked really normal my eye level was still high and he looked really normal so i'm saying oh god we've had a right one and when he said yeah yeah so where am i taking you and then i glanced down he had no pants on no his penis was that he had no trousers on what was he gonna do no i've not finished so he had no he had no trousers on so i had picked the one person on the motorway that happened to have no fucking pants on right and he was driving with with his willy out so then i just glanced to the side and i was like trying to really i was in the front my friend was in the back and she

couldn't see the willy but i could so i was trying to be really and i just went kirsty and my friend was like yeah he's got his penis out and i kept it really i was i was like you excuse me mate you've got you've got your penis out and he went i haven't and i said he has he's got it out this he's a madman so then he gets it in his hand he begins to fornicate with it and i said kirsty he's masturbating you're masturbating and i said you need to put that penis away right now right now and he said i've been to where i've been to a nudist beach and i said you've been driving around you need to put it away and my friend was in the back and she was laughing that much that tears were not nobody was because we were still drunk and i didn't think it was funny because it

was next to me she was crying and i mean you know when you're laughing and your mouth's wide open and tears were rolling and I was trying to be really professional and I kept saying put your penis away now I am going to get out of this car you need to put your penis away stop touching it now this is disgusting I will get your resume drop me off now anyway he let us out and we just went and we were like has that just happened Lauren I'm really surprised you're here to tell the tale to be honest I know okay so we're not doing Ashley's appointment this week because I've been really busy and boring and working away etc but Lauren I've heard that you went for an appointment yes so Ashley's appointments sounds really good and it's all really lovely and

posh and so I thought I'm gonna have Lauren's appointment but Lauren's appointments never go to plan my friend um really kindly booked me in for a massage after work because I've had a really stressful week like I've not been sleeping as I said I've got anxiety at the minute I've not been sleeping I've had loads going on so she said look I'm gonna book you in for a lovely massage really relax you and then you can go home and sleep so that was great so i went there and the clue should have been like loads of men were coming out like big men i don't know i don't know i just anyway i didn't a brothel no it wasn't a brothel um i would have enjoyed that more so we i went in and this woman came in she was a receptionist said what kind of massage do you want now whenever i

go for massages they do it really lightly and tickle me and i think this is just not what i want like a thai place what no what well i didn't realize that there was a thai lady there yes so I didn't realize so I said um no I like it quite deep really I'd like quite a deep one so she went okay I'll let her know so took all my clothes off face down and with my hole and I have a hay fever as well my face is in the hole and my nose is like dripping I thought oh god anyway next thing this woman comes in and she said okay we're gonna start and I thought I think that's a Thai accent and I thought shit shit it's too late to back out then I looked at the floor and I saw her feet at the same time like a frog leap off the floor and then land on either side of my back and I thought no

fuck next thing she starts punching me she was pulling me but she cracked every toe and she was dragging my arms back the pain was that severe that my nose was running through the hole my eyes were running and I thought tell her tell her it's too much tell her it's too much and I thought no I'm not telling her because she thinks I can't handle it and I can no so I thought I'm I'm not saying and then I so I made a few groans so I was like oh and I thought she'll know that it's too much and she carried on I thought right well if you can carry on just watch me because I will handle this the pain was so severe then she turned me over to my front she punched me in the back of the head twice and this i'm not lying she just paid to get yeah she took and i thought this is

my appointment so she turned me over then she goes on to the breast and i thought no not the breast implants she starts on my boobs and i thought they're the most expensive thing i've got on me and i'm thinking they're gonna rupture so she's rubbing them and i thought i need to tell her that they're implants i don't i don't know and then she sat me up and started cracking my back and swinging me with my tits out anyway i walked out of this place like when you come out of the cinema do you know when it's like daylight and i came out my hair was everywhere and i when you come out of the cinema at 16 after snogging the face of your boy yeah and your eyes are everywhere and i came out like that and everyone else was looking at me and i kind of staggered out

and i rang my friend who i actually work for i was like listen i'm not coming in tomorrow i've got a broken rib and a fucking ruptured breast implant only me everything happens like this to me so you've not you've not had any appointments i have and i'm not having any more but i bet you've been buying things yeah um i've had a couple of facials this week i've been having this one where they like blow cold air on your face yeah it's so nice isn't it um and it closes all of your pores up and makes you really glad cryo yeah no no mine's called something something suiticles and then i did my training in my human growth factor facials so i need to give you one of them so these are like human stem cell facials that sounds creepy is it from like a from like an embryo

no it's from donated blood it's all like approved and everything but i'm training them which is really exciting um and fun things that i bought i bought a spray tan kit off amazon which i'm really excited to use and i used to do i used to be a beauty therapist i could probably do it for you why are you laughing what else have i bought it oh i bought those earrings the ones that you went for the appointment for yeah who has to go to an appointment for earrings tell me talk me behind the what don't ask questions um i'm going to see a psychic tomorrow have you ever been to see a psychic yes they told me i'd ruin my life and they were right well hopefully mine's not gonna end up like that so yeah i'm seeing a psychic tomorrow oh i actually had an amazing

appointment cupping have you heard of it like with balls no ball cupping they get yeah well it's like glass balls that they put all over your body and then it makes your blood come i do know exactly what it is no honestly you need to go it was much more relaxing than yours that was a nice appointment um cupping appointment yeah why am i so childish because you just love dick stories and dicks and you're that kid off what's it called super bad that just draws the dicks actually we have got an appointment this week ashley it's one together so we were contacted let's not say too much but by a production company regarding something on the telly well we were contacted by quite a few production companies some of them were shit i've spent

200 grand to look like kim kardashian i was like this isn't our vibe honey it's not for us what about rich kid porky was that for you actually got asked to go on that why didn't they ask me because i'm not rich stop but the one that we've actually like spoken to is is really exciting it's a good one we're gonna have a chat with them this week yeah a little appointment and we'll see if they all get punched in the head on this one and then we're gonna see if uh see if it's something that we can do yeah okay so thank you guys again for listening this week and we will be back next wednesday you can follow us on instagram and get see what we get up to on our podcast page which is at n-t-n-g-a-f and our personal pages are at the cosmetic consult and at lauren elizabeth

underscore xx and we'll see you ladies next week no it's not just ladies i need to correct you there so do you know we have quite a few men that listen so really quick shout out yeah producer charlie's dad told us that he's been listening to it and my friend has just sent me a message she must be connected to her partner's iphone on the ipad or something he's on his way to yeah no nothing bad he's on his way to work and it's popped up that the little bugger is on his way listening to our podcast shout out thank you We'll see you next time.