Nip Tuck - Welcome to The Heartbreak Hotel

Episode Date: July 6, 2021

Well, sure... Welcome to The Heartbreak Hotel but please note, revenge is best served COLD... This week it's all about break-ups so if you're feeling low after a break-up (or you're just up for some scandalous stories), you've come to the right place! In this episode, Ashley and Lauren share their best break-up advice before diving into their DM's to reveal some of your wildest break-up revenge stories...Don't forget to follow the podcast @ntngaf, Ashley @thecosmeticconsult and Lauren @laurenelizabeth_xx! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

hey i'm ashley and i'm lauren and welcome to nip tuck and not giving a fuck oh my god you said it you just swore okay so this is the podcast where we set the record straight we're two single mums who work in the cosmetic industry people seem to enjoy having their say about us so we've decided it's time for us to have ours about topics that we know our followers and audience can relate to this week it's all about breakups so breakups are actually the worst thing in the world oh oh the pain and so many of you go through it and we've been through it so i feel like we need to help you girls through this shit yeah so we're going to provide you with some hilarious entertainment and if you're going through one don't be sad just listen to these top tips

okay so life round up before we get going on breakups lauren you were weird last week mate like you your eyes were like saucers you were like you were giving me anxiety i know she kept looking at me and going stop it why are you doing that you're not okay i wasn't okay was that and i looking into the distance and like being really weird it's because i had this anxiety i said in the last episode i had an anxiety attack and it was so bad and the thing is this is living proof with anxiety i'm fine today like i'm in a really good mood i'm throwing my ponytail around can we not do that again i'm cocky as anything but it just proves people do get anxiety but i always say to people that get it it comes and goes so when you're having a shit minute with it

remember it's gonna go i'm fine now like i'm sweet so yeah i'm not gonna be weird how is the on smoking going you've started again yeah so hand in hand with the anxiety attack i did start smoking again um i do intend to stop i hit the sauce hit the cigs i do intend to stop um because i was doing really well and then i found myself in the garden in the rain with my mum's parka pulled up and my pajama pants on with my dressing gown hanging out the bottom um chain smoking and thinking this is dirty but um yeah I did find myself in that position I am intending to stop again so just bear with I can't think what I've been up to oh I booked a holiday and you've you bet I'm gonna post my bikini pictures the bikini pictures obviously you need to come yeah

where are you going you can say I'm going to Ibiza so we're going on our honeymoon and I'm really excited are you gonna get off your tits and stuff like everyone does in Ibiza is that not that kind of honeymoon no mate it's not that kind of honeymoon it'll be like a green juice and you know maybe a few roses at a beach club but nothing heavy oh it'll be lovely though and you'll be able to get the sickest pictures i know i don't do bikini pictures though hun why just don't not why just don't i don't like how i look on them and i just i think it's like a bit inappropriate am i inappropriate i like bikini but i do think you take a lot of bikini pictures right and i do agree with you you look at them you're like is that what i look like and maybe one looks all

right but you actually feel shit about yourself yeah and i just don't do it anymore she's not you too old i think past the age of 25 should i not be posting unless you're unless you're nicole scherzinger i mean she's just unbelievable no it's tacky what no no i disagree i disagree Well, my body's not like yours, so maybe I'm just jealous. Judge a genit. Judge a genit. Set judge a genit. Back to bikini pictures.

You guys, like, if you want to post them, I have no issue with it. Oh, she backtracks. Now she's told me that I'm inappropriate for my age. And it's a bit cringe. She backtracks. Do you know what I find inappropriate? What? Little kids in bikinis.

Oh my God, no, I agree. I don't think that's a thing. That's fucked up. Yeah, I wouldn't do that. Until I would say they're about nine. oh no but i think the older they get the more weird it is you do you not i don't know i don't know i've not got a nine-year-old so i don't know the year went into the shop and she was like mommy you wear a bikini can i get a bikini as well yeah but it's

when you see like babies in bikinis with the little fat bellies out it's no i'm not into that at all no no no no it's the has got breasts as well so it'd be really weird she's got chippy tits okay so lauren let's kick this off by telling our stories to warm you guys up ready for some scandalous revenge stories do do do my breakups where do i begin there's been many there's been how long do you have um i'm a seasoned pro in this now so i just crack on with it really um I've had some really bad ones where, like, I've found out people have cheated on me and, obviously, you always remember, like,

your first serious boyfriend and your breakup. The first cut is the deepest, they say. Oh, my God. Like, looking back on that guy, my first boyfriend, like, he's such a fucking loser. Like, I saw him in the pub a few Christmases ago and I was like, ew, as if I let you break my heart, you disgusting peahead weirdo.

um so i'm going to share my advice later but ashley what was your worst breakup is the one that sticks in mind and why was it the worst um when i split up with ed it was absolutely horrific oh my god i remember it you were so thin i was like six yeah it was awful like i literally i couldn't eat like food wouldn't go yeah in my mouth like i could not eat i couldn't sleep yeah i just wanted to just forget everything yeah and i went straight back out which i remember that as well you went on one didn't you i was i remember you saying i don't know why it's in my head you sent me a picture of you and one of our other friends um in a hotel room and you was it gotham or something and i was like oh i think i might have been no i wasn't pregnant i think i was

settled down maybe but something and i remember sitting there in my jammers with my cup of tea thinking oh ouch so um yeah i went out like pretty much every single night and i had about do you remember that week when i went on the six dates yes yeah i remember one of the days i actually went for lunch with someone and then for dinner with someone else wow and these these were like good people as well like you should have passed them on to me like your reader had like flower deliveries coming through i wasn't sleeping with any of them don't get me wrong like I personally don't do that I mean there's absolutely nothing wrong with doing that but I am a serial dater so if you see me out with multiple men I'm not sleeping with them

they're just paying for my food that you can't get down your throat anyway because I'm heartbroken that's exactly what it was I was just there for the wine did you not want to do the revenge thing because I know you've done some revengey things okay so my friends ask me to be involved in their revenge because you're so good i'm good i'm evil i am absolutely twisted i am a horrible person when it comes to revenge and it's very very satisfying in a worrying way i wish i was like that so um revenge things that i've done okay this one is probably my cleverest revenge i'm highly intelligent when it comes to this um I knew that my ex was you know his weak spot was his height yeah and um he wasn't the tallest of men um and it really I bet it really got a distant ex

yeah so I went online and I found websites for small men's fashion and one was called like the modest man and i put his email address into the newsletter so it was like getting them sign up for our top tips to make yourself look taller wait no there was like um there was other websites as well like penis enlargement websites and you know they're gonna spam the shit out of you yeah and it was like wankers anonymous like all this mad stuff like i was just like literally sat there copy paste so imagine he's on like a meeting or his new girlfriend sees these like emails and they're popping up about penis enlargement nine ticks for small men with small dick 10 off your next order of the penis enlarger so yeah that was that was one thing that i did um also there's this

website it's called knicker sniffer um and basically they deliver a parcel and on the parcel it says like here's some knickers for you to sniff and they're like and are they used yeah i think so yeah and you can pick like granny pants so the postman it's a sign for delivery like the postman like hands them that so that was a good one so yeah the moral of the story is don't fuck with me otherwise i will spam the shit she will send my underwear to your hands or bv so lauren before we hear your advice on breakups i've got one last revenge story okay okay so this was my the beginning of my um love of revenge this was the first thing that i ever did i um had a house party and i woke up in the morning went downstairs as you do you know having a look

around the house what's going on boyfriend is asleep on the sofa with one of my friends so i literally what like i just stood and looked at them both and then he like opened his eyes and he wasn't even bothered and then he he used to drink like himself into where it was just like a blackout yeah like blackout drunk and he was such a bad drunk like he should just never have drank so um i think he continued drinking like the next day as well and we just moved into this house and um he was asleep on a beanbag and because we just moved in there was like loads of bags of random stuff everywhere i saw a razor like an electric razor what shaved one of his eyebrows oh no you didn't oh my god i did and every day he made me draw it on

so you stayed with him so you then had a cheating one eyebrowed boyfriend now before we go into our breakup stories which juicy as hell i know that you are dying to share your breakup advice lauren with all of our listeners we're very opposite but with this sort of thing let's see if uh we're the same so come on give us some of your uh nuggets give us some of your pieces of food come on article advice okay um right so the reason i think i'm good at this i feel like i'm doing like a job interview is because i have had loads of breakups i've had some really messy ones and i've been really down i don't do breakups very well however i've learned having had so many how to deal with them and i deal with them very matter

of fact now do you think that you get better as time goes on no is each break each is different right my last one which was like jan november was it that was horrific really horrific horrific and i think it depends where you are in life as well and i was it was locked down it was shit anyway that was so bad lockdown break yeah it can't even go on no on the day on the nothing it was so bad but like now we're friends and it's fine and i'm absolutely fine and this is what i've learned after so many is it's always fine so when you're in it you're like literally heartbroken but it's always fine so tips tips number one make a decision is it definitely over because there's no point going through this breakup and doing all these tips if you're going to get back with him

yeah like even if he's done something whatever and you're gonna get back with him and you know you are and you're making him pay be honest with yourself am i making him pay but i intend to get back with him or is it done this is when lads do that stupid thing of we're on a break oh my god that's happened and like if you're trying to be like all stush and like i am not talking to him i'm giving him a space i'm done with you making pay make him cry but you know you you know deep down you're not done and then they go out and shag everything going yeah and then and then you can never come back from that when you've been on a break i don't think great advice from that so make sure is it definitely over because everything you choose to do from here and the

rest of my advice is mainly if you are definitely sure okay so be honest with yourself it's like one of those diagrams where it's like are you over yes shall we do one yeah we should do like a day are you definitely over yes okay and then the next point so my next point is sit with your feelings i don't know where i've heard this sit on your face what no right so what i mean is allow it you feel shit you're upset you're down well i don't eat ice cream in bed well i don't eat when i'm like that but yeah just allow yourself to feel it so don't try and be like i'm fine i'm fine i'm fine because that only lasts for so long and then when you have one glass of wine you start fucking stopping it's not all right if you're not okay allow it allow yourself not too long but a time

period where you're gonna feel shit how long is long well everyone's different but yeah but i have some friends and all they talk about well then they should listen no i can't i'm bored of it yeah but like be sad and then just like yeah i'm saying that but i'm not gonna say a time scale for somebody i'm just gonna say you give yourself your own time scale that works for you and you hurt if you're gonna hurt for a bit and then you decide when it's done you stop at that point got like that one friend that still talks about yeah well she should listen yeah yeah well like all those mothers that like still talk about what the what the father did like when they were like 15 yeah yeah you get that yeah no be that person they need to listen to my advice yeah you're allowed it

and then you stop okay stop going through old pictures you give yourself a limit where yeah all right sit and cry if it's one evening cry through all the fucking old pictures do what you need to do cry for them and then done done i once had a canvas of me and mistake uh the money mistake one um yeah i had a canvas tone i didn't do it i don't think and it's a canvas picture of us um i definitely didn't do it actually because i would never buy that in muslim in here it's disgusting and i stabbed it and i filmed it and sent it to my friends and i was literally stabbing it with a knife and i was ripping through his face with a knife i've only just remembered that anyway back so be honest with your feelings okay so when you break up with someone you feel loads of emotions

and the main one that comes through is that you're sad and you're hurt and you're devastated rejection yes so you need to sit there right and you have to be totally honest with yourself you can't do if you're going to bullshit yourself it isn't going to work and i think about that in life in general know your own feelings and who you are don't bullshit yourself if you're jealous admit yeah i called her a fat slug because i'm jealous um admit it so you admit what you're feeling is it the rejection that's killing you right now is it your pride a lot of my breakups i've thought it was the guy but actually it was the fact that he didn't want me and my own self-esteem issues and the fact that he didn't want me as well then it brought something else up yeah so or is it that

you're worried about your finances you're now going to be on your own and you're scared to death because you're going to be on your own and now the future frightens you because he supported you with a lot of child care is it how you're going to split your family just sit and work out what is breaking your heart about this and then you can work out how to solve it if it was just that you're madly in love then that's a tough one yeah but there's normally other things actually if you break it down that surround it and if you can pinpoint those you can then deal with those emotions one by one great therapist lauren honestly i'm really right you wouldn't believe this i'm really fucking switched on with feelings and shit i actually am so the next one don't

stalk yes now i really really mean this you can't do it don't ask friends to stalk don't stop what i did is i made all my friends um a boyfriend quite a while ago i made them unfollow him um and i was like i don't want to see it i don't want to know yeah when you're still digging for information you are dragging on this hurt so if you want to make it last longer you want it to hurt more fine mate and it's embarrassing don't do it yeah i tell all of my friends like when i but i put someone i say it's up to you if you still want to speak to them and be around them that's i have no problem with that that's absolutely fine just don't tell them my business and i don't want to hear that yes i think it's important that and how embarrassing is it like

when you're sat somewhere and there's someone like that you're not that familiar with and they go like i saw your ex or oh your ex is shagging my mate yeah and you're like okay hon thank you x for a reason so they're getting shit sex as well now great for them tell your mate enjoy but that's the thing i think you can't do it and you have to stop you have to and if you're if you don't trust yourself and you delete the apps you do what you need to do you cannot and if you do go on there then i'm sorry but when you're crying afterwards it's your own fucking fault you don't look again and you don't speak about them again yeah great also insta can make their life look really good because trust me i've been heartbroken before and i have

made it look like i'm not arsed and i'm on dates and i'm not i'm crying so don't look at their insta and think the new girlfriend oh they're so happy together they look amazing it's insta they might not be so don't don't look yeah so my next one a backup plan a backup person is that like have two boyfriends well no oh see this is a tough one um i'm not saying cheat on your boyfriend before it's over but i'm just saying once we all have those people i think that you know would be there and would like a bit if you were free so i think once you've broken up a directory yeah this is what i mean that would want a bit go to one of the this isn't fair on the person that wants a bit it's very tight very unkind but we you know we look after number one needed they're needed at

this moment so you go back to that person where you know you get attention from and it will just help you just pass the time because sometimes when you break up with someone it's like who to text who to tell about your day losses then girls keep them keep a few yeah keep not saying send those flames emojis yeah now and again keep them there and you can use those i don't agree with jumping into bed with anyone straight after for the simple i mean do what you want with your own vagina it's not that i just mean the simple feeling that you would get afterwards first of all sex probably wouldn't be as good it's not oh you wish it was time sex with someone's always shit anyway and if you've not done it for a while you get like cock fright and like you're scared so i think and

then it's all uncomfortable and you're thinking i wish it was him thrusting i wish this was my boyfriend and now it's over and it was bad and i'm sad yeah and then you wait and then you think and now i'm single and i'm a slut yeah i just think i'm a filthy whore and i just think as well drinking is also really not a good idea no come on i think and i out if you drink take your phone away take your phone away oh my god i've got something funny to tell you again with mistake canvas stabbing the canvas and the money mistake so i went out with my friend um nicola yeah so we went out and i got really pissed and um i was trying to get to my phone to text him and she rest i was when i get drunk i get black i get really drunk as you know and she we got back to

hers and she was like you're texting him and she ran she dived over the bed got my phone i jumped on her back and bit her arm yeah she had to she we laugh about it now she had to wrestle me to the floor and i bit her she was like you fucking bit me the next day she had a big bruise i bit her and she had to fight the phone off me and run and lock the door everyone's done those like but i didn't send the text because she got a bitten arm but she's a good friend imagine a hangover and looking at your phone and getting like aired completely yeah so that'd be awful they're my that's one of my tips my last one is be around people that actually make you happy yeah so i really mean this sometimes you're sat at home and you don't i'm the worst as we've spoke

about before Ashley do you remember the time when you messaged me and were like if you don't answer the phone I'm going to ring again and then I'm going to ring again and then I'm going to turn up answer the phone because I can go a bit introvert however I think you need to force yourself to get out and be with the people that you love even just sitting there with a friend even if you want to talk about if you don't want to talk about distraction busy the gym looking good one thing that I actually really enjoy about a breakup is the comeback I actually buzz off that excitement of right you'll fucking see me and i do everything like i drink water see me in my bikini yeah in my bikini um i'll drink water and you'll like it yeah i'll go to the gym i'm gonna make you i'll

get the hair done i'm gonna make you see and even if they haven't even noticed all these things and i'm like yeah you see her her look at me and they're like and they've just looked past me and they thought god she's still in shit loads of plastic yeah i'm gonna have everything done inject me but i just love that i actually think it's use it as a bit of like a kick up your ass I fucking love a glow up with a reason behind it so glow the fuck up girls forget your silly

modest man ex and move on keep it moving because this is, the way I look at life is as a ruler, right, I know I'm coming out with them today but honestly I'm actually really fucking wise right, they're laughing at me I imagine life as a ruler

I'm not an owl, say she with those fucking glasses on burn burn anyway single whore life is like a ruler and every part of your life is a little section of the ruler you choose how long you extend that part of your life for and it's only a small part when you look back it's a small part and it didn't matter that much is my fucking point let's move on um time's a healer i'm done i'm done revenge revenge revenge my favorite topic so we wouldn't be here without you guys and honestly you are some crazy bitches like these stories go from traditional good old old school to like mad

um okay let's start here with the the traditionals yep fish in the car that's a good one like you know like in the exhaust pipe you can put like a mackerel or something and supposedly it completely fucks the car really like tuna tuna on the back seat yeah um cutting clothes up yeah shoelaces in the curtains prawns i wouldn't say that was like a traditional one yeah that take ages and you think of prawn yourself and then um i've also heard of a girl who got a watering can and sprinkled water all over the carpet then she put grass seeds on the carpet and grass in the living room that's quite funny right so one of our girls has texted saying that she cut the shoelaces off all of his limited edition trays that would hurt took the sofa out of the house so that he had nothing

to sit on or take someone back to that's quite funny yeah that's a really good one and you got a free sofa i once got accused of taking all the wine glasses out of one of my ex's house no i actually fucking didn't i'm not weird like you this this is quite a good one cut holes into the knees of his new golf trousers and then put them back like normal so oh yeah i read this one so she cut the knees out and then put them back in the packaging so he would have thought they were brand new he would have gone to his golf and he's got out his brand new ones and the knees so these are where we get a bit sick and twisted i'll start with the shitting story yeah um so i said when we were doing the scripts to the girls i said just put on their shitting on the

steak we're all like what is that and everyone's like come on so i was sat in an office of a job i had many years ago and we were all like sat opposite each other on desks and you know you'd get into like office banter all different ages and we were talking about like bad stuff like this that we've done to exes and all of a sudden this really quiet girl pipes up like and she said something mad she said that she was cooking her ex a steak yeah and she did a shit on the steak and then fried him. And all of us just turned around and we were like,

oh. That's not funny. I bet everyone was laughing and then she patted up and everyone went, ooh. Yeah, it was like tumbleweed. It was not funny. And shit on a steak.

We never looked at her ever again in the same way. It's like steak on a stone, isn't it? Shit on a stone. That's a sectionable offence. But he probably deserved it. No. And did she watch him with a smile

while he ate her poo? Yeah. good i think he probably okay this one's a really good one so lauren you were saying before how itchy you were no so do you know when pubic hair grows back and it itches not anything like untoward it's just an itchy sensation that's what i was talking about anyway this is different this is a website this is frightening so there is a website we should get that commission off this because i bet it goes off now call crab revenge.com.com so crab revenge.com if you want to get in touch with us and send us some free little little animals so when you go on this website this is

what it says yes we sell pubic lice and yes we are proud of it you can buy pubic lice yeah to pass on to your partner sprinkle them in their underwear draw sprinkle in the calvins yeah and supposedly they're really hard to get rid of i thought you were gonna say they're really hard to get hold of well it says on that website that you can get the strain which like are untreatable which are more expensive i can't believe maybe i it's not my pubes growing back someone's been on crab revenge oh shit and it says it doesn't involve jail time but i think it could because that's like a person like giving someone an std is definitely not okay and then it says visit the store itchy justice awaits oh fantastic okay started out with bleaching his clothes casual then it escalated

yeah i bet yeah when you're in the midst of it you're like a few wines yeah and then you're remembering stuff you did yeah you're busted then you did that then you did that like you're on one started out with bleaching his clothes then it escalated into lighter bursts okay okay oh okay then she was pissing all over the boxes of his possession so it started with little things she ended up squatting over a box of his clothes i'm pissing oh this is a good one you kinky slut i lured him back into bed i filmed it and sent it to his new missus who he cheated on me with and left me for whoa no no no no i'm not about this because then she's seen you doing your bits

as well with your vag out and your legs in the air and all your fake orgasm noises that you're probably making she's seen all this so this is embarrassing i feel to be seen twisted where would you position the phone how would you know well you just like put it on it let's not go into maybe he was one of these people that just stayed in that missionary in the same place so she just left you know the in-betweeners one so she just kind of left it there and it just like or she held it maybe she held it in selfie mode selfie stick yeah okay um so this actually happened to someone that i know and it was really really really bad and you can remember this as well can't you yes so her ex logged in to her instagram account and posted her nudes but like they weren't

just nudes they were really x-rated news yeah and i that's that's disgusting that was a boy so i didn't know boys got revenge no i think that's not even revenge you know what i think the boys do talk shit about you yes yes they talk shit about you they lie they lie they lie do you know i taught to say when she was like just speaking boys lie right and i thought it was funny at the time it's not funny anymore because if you say anything about boys whoever's there she goes boys lie don't they mummy and genuine she still says it now and i go yes they do that is so bad so someone's written in they put fake tan drops on his face but like drops of it so it looked like he had like a

skin disease for a good week afterwards so funny okay guys thank you so much for listening again this week please rate us on fiercely five stars follow us on instagram our podcast page is at n-t-n-g-a-f well done i know wow and our personal pages are at the cosmetic consult and at lauren elizabeth underscore xx we will see you next week and thank you once again we do say this on our instagram but thank you so much everyone that listens everyone that shares everyone that contributes that that subscribes that rates that shares it means so much and if you want to keep hearing us we need it so keep doing it honey