Nip Tuck - We're back, b*tches! Dating, dilemmas and due dates...

Episode Date: March 2, 2022

Omg girls, there's so much to catch up on.In this episode, you'll get the full low down on what Ashley and Lauren have both been up to since the last episode.There's big goss on the dating front, there are juicy dilemma's that you've sent in and of course, Ashley will give you the low down on her £25k baby birth plans...Don't forget to use code 'NIPTUCK' at macom-medical.com for 15% off all your compression and post-surgery garments.Find us on social: @thecosmeticconsult, @laurenelizabeth_xx, @ntngaf, @macom_medical Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Okay, wow. I've forgotten how to do it. I'll start. I'll oil the rigs. No, what is it? Cogs. The cogs. Oil the cogs. The nuts and bolts. Oh, my cogs haven't been oiled in so long. Mine are grinding. Mine's too oily. Hi guys, I'm Ashley. And I'm Lauren. Welcome back to Nip, Tuck and Not Giving a Fuck. oh oh oh we're back how long have we been away for

so long so long longer than we actually anticipated six months has it been six months wait no when

ghost episode October November December January three months that's been a long time I love how I always

make everything like two times as bad yeah you do you do exaggerate I'm Jay of the Inbetweeners aren't I you are

you do make everything worse than it actually is so sometimes I shall ring you and be like oh my god and you'll sit down and be like

oh, what's happened? Someone's died. And she'd be like, something really, really mine. Like, you're not going to believe I've missed a discount sale. And it's just like nothing. So you learn with her

to take a pinch of salt with everything she says. Well, yeah. Well, we've been away for too long, but we're back. Way too long. So we're back for quite a few episodes, guys. And we're going to be here weekly again.

So you can get your fix of, what should we call ourselves? Oh, my God. I hate this. It's Nip Tuck not giving a fuckers. No, Nip Tuckers. why don't we just say of us fuckers no i don't like that nip tuck nip tuck nip nip tuck crew no my god it sounds like an mc nip tuck crew we need to think of a word for our fans if any of

you guys did you just say fans yeah it's true whatever it is listeners listeners will think of a name see anybody got any suggestions send them over okay so anyway we're back we're back weekly and today we had so much shit to catch up on like so much that we are not gonna do our usual topics we've written down a number of topics for future episodes and looking at them last night i was like fuck these are good they're good they're so good and i do feel like people are gonna really enjoy them no i think they're really good and i also think that if anyone's got any suggestions send them over because we want to talk about things that are relevant things that are fun as well but current and debates and women's topic we want to get into debates because yeah i like

me and lauren have got very different very different opinions on certain things i'm right ashley's not that kind of thing whatever um so yeah we we want to get stuck in and we want to hear from you and we want to involve you guys as much as possible which we always do on our socials So head over to our Instagram page, which is at N-T-N-G-A-F. Well done. And we can always look at getting you involved. Did you send in any funny stories, rants, et cetera? Let us know.

Let us know. But today's mainly just the catch up, isn't it? Yeah. The amount of shit, I think mine especially, that happens in our lives within like a week. And it's been, since we had a catch up, like six months. The amount of stuff I could tell you that I've been doing, but i can't oh she's done some really bad shit thank you to macom they're the sponsors of this

episode so macom's a brand that we've loved for so so long we've used the bras um and the support garments for years i used mine four years ago with thea um we've recommended them how many patients do you think like hundreds thousands thousands of patients yeah recommended them to over the years as well so natural for us yeah yeah i mean what they do in essence is provide medical grade compression which is vital for recovery post-surgery etc it increases blood flow to the lymphatic drainage system so not only does it do all of that but just think about it like this girls if you're spending all that money on having something done then you need to know that you're investing in the best product for post-surgery and when i say that i'm not just

talking about your lipo garments your c-section garments I'm talking about I wear my post breast aug garment you actually do bra every single day so if you're spending you know six seven thousand pounds on a breast augmentation if you buy that bra yeah I wear it day and night it's absolutely amazing so I had my boobs done about eight nine years ago and I still wear their bras every single all day and night they're so comfortable they come in a range of sizes and a range of colors so they run from triple xs tiny to 5xl but also the colors are like neutral or you can get sexy red the sexy red love that um their customer service team are so helpful so if you give them a call and just say guys i'm having this this and this done this done and in top shop i'm a size

eight or in assos i'm a size this then they'll literally go right this is what we recommend you need the returns policy is absolutely brilliant as well so i can honestly say you'll be ordering with total confidence i agree i like i love the bras but it's the waist sculptor as well that i use loads like a waist trainer a waist trainer but it also has other benefits as well you can wear it after surgery you can wear it after um babies and you can wear it the boning is really strong so it's good for your posture as well yeah um but yeah the loungewear as well honestly there's so many different things within that brand because we know the brand works we know that all of the products are good and it washes so well as well it does it does so you can head

over to macom-medical.com that's m-a-c-o-m and use our discount code nip tuck that's nip tuck for a huge 15% off your whole order. Can you take your sunglasses off, please? Do you know who you're going to be when you're older from just like literally fucking yourself over? You are going to be Ozzy Osbourne and I'm going to be Sharon. Sharon!

Oh my God. We're doing it! Like you fucking, you're going to take so much Cocodamol. I'm so high on Cocodamol today as well. three years post c-section she's still going into a gp no honestly so i'm basically i'm sat here with sunglasses on it's actually really funny just take them off no no because i feel like when they're on

you can't like feel properly like i feel like everyone needs to know that i'm in pain and stuff look right okay i'm gonna take them off for a minute yeah it's terrifying yeah okay so basically guys i've had surgery would you believe would you believe i've had surgery um and i've documented it a little bit on our nip tuck page because i just i'm gonna tell you why the real reason why so on my instagram page obviously there's boys on there there's boys that follow me i didn't want the boys to see but i wanted to kind of tell the girls what was going down so it looks like i was being like really sound but it was selfish i just thought if i do it on our page the boys aren't going to follow it because they don't and so i can be real but

then the boys that i'm chatting to or that my fans see me or potentials they don't need to really give a shit about i do not give a flying fuck if people see me like i was in that newspaper with not fully no makeup on beautiful though ashley no no no no no i really don't care about people seeing me with no makeup on no i don't care about no makeup i just i don't know i still feel which is really bad to say that i'm let's be open about it give it not to everyone like i do still feel a bit embarrassed when it comes to guys yeah i don't want them knowing i've had stuff done and i think there's still that stigma yeah with like oh my god she's really pretty yeah but she's had loads of work done as if that makes you a difference oh no i'm like tell me what she's had

done i want it no so i didn't want i just don't think it's sexy one minute you're sending like underwear shots and the next minute they're on your instagram and you've got black eyes that's not sexy so that's why i did it i've had an upper and lower blepharoplasty so basically um uppers i had which actually you've had haven't you like ages ago and when you had it done i was like why are you doing that and now you've gone too far you always have to take it one step and then i'm the one sat here in sunglasses um i had it done because my eyelids they were like it's hereditary vagina they were like a long saggy vagina um they were no they weren't but they weren't ideal and it was pissing me off and the thing that annoyed me the most

when the wind blew i was getting things stuck under them i had to clean them out so basically when i did like a winged eyeliner i'd do one eye i mean i'm not great at anyway average the other eye right so you hold it don't you do you flick and then you let go when i let go it would fold in half yeah and it would look like a like a fly's wing had been squatted splat like what's the word splattered on my face and i did say this on one of my stories my friend messaged me like have you really had surgery just because your wing liner wasn't the one and i was like yeah oh my god literally i'm so excited for you after you've had this operation like and your stitches about you feel like is it gonna be really good unreal so when you go makeup shopping like i

hadn't bought eyeshadows for years and then i was like oh my gosh i can wear eyeshadows and liner and really love it i am looking forward to it's a really minor procedure that makes a big difference yes i do and i think i've done my lowers as well i'll be honest that is extreme i didn't need them i didn't need my lowers done i told you i know but i've just thought while i'm in there and it was like i was like oh fuck it go on do it while you're down there i love while you're down there cock see what else you can do so he did my lowers um and how much fat did he get out i've asked nothing i'm so bad aren't i it's like i went my friend said it's like you've gone to the shop for some milk i just went did it and came out i don't even know what i've learned that's it's so bad i

know um i know about the uppers but anyway the lowers have been the worst i would say like pain wise and swelling like my eyes are fucking this is probably gonna take another two weeks i'm going to mexico you didn't do anything that i tell you and you've got complete access to me at all times you could have said how do i prepare fountain of knowledge and i would have told you what to buy did you take the bromelain did i fuck right well then you're paying for it now you're a fucking idiot and you didn't buy those ice patches i told you either did you i told you i did buy them no you didn't my mum doesn't listen to me no my mum did go last minute because i was like yeah but now they're no use um but can i just say while we're on the topic of under eyes blah blah blah

oh my god guys please be careful with profilo like oh i'm seeing so much of it there's this if actually no i've heard this is injecting the profilo into the wrong area especially in the upper face where you have less fat it's causing something called edema also people are over treating with profilo i would be getting like a bit excitable and like having it every fucking week yeah they think that profilo is for everyone and that you can have it as many times as you want and that is not the case do you think it's because people think it's so on trend yes so everyone's having it but also people think that it's like almost like because it's kind of sold as like a moisturizer for under the skin so you think brilliant honestly i'm seeing some

really really bad shit like careful girls i think it's a fantastic product don't get me wrong love it love doing it and think in the right used on the right person it's all about patient selection unfortunately we know some clinics aren't all about patient selection they'll get you through the door and inject you whatever shit they've got in the cupboard please just be careful especially coming up to summer you'll rarely notice it on certain people that they've got like a puffy area under the eye and it's from profiling right be careful with that one girls be really careful and also just this quick surgery one it's annoying that i have to say this but we we have to say this um surgery wise obviously i've had surgery obviously we're talking about it but

that's not us saying anyone no but i hate saying this because but we have to it's not us saying that anyone has to have it done we're not pushing anyone to have it done we're not saying who you should go with and i think that's actually we need to talk about this because that's something that's come up quite a lot between us and i chose to share my eye journey because i wanted people to know that i'd had it done anyone that was interested in it but also the fact that i've had surgery you didn't used to share stuff no so i was really private about anything i'd had done i wouldn't tell anyone and then it was actually really like the way you are that made me think okay i'm gonna be more like that and when we started the pod yeah i would never have told

a soul about these eyes no and then but then there would have been girls thinking oh my eyes are baggy and hers are so tight and that's not fair so that's why i did it however if you're doing it then yeah it's your body yeah you can do what if you want to go and get a fucking face tattoo go and get one fine exactly i do not judge anyone like for your eye your opinion is slightly different to mine yeah and i do you know why i think this is ashley i think you have become too scared of everyone i have become and you've become too but you can't yeah you've become too filtered and every time now you overthink before you say anything so sad because even a year ago i would have posted something and not given a fuck but now honestly because people scrutinize everything

that much i've honestly stepped away from it i don't post anything about anything anymore it's come to my knowledge that people are using pictures of me and saying that certain surgeons have done certain work on me which they haven't which is weird as fuck and then also if i'm vocalizing a product or a person when it comes to like injecting yeah or cutting someone open etc etc etc and then down the line someone's not happy it's you that they come for i'm not doing it no i i completely agree with you there and i do and i think that's sad and i'll say you did my work yeah so that's there's a difference that i think i can't tell you who did my work i think there's a difference if someone has done your work then you have put your own body in their

hands exactly so i'm sorry but what more of a commitment can you give someone comes to me and goes who's the best at nose jobs i can't just don't want to do it anymore and also guys it's not that fucking hard to research yourself people are lazy but also do you know what i listened to this podcast it was so fucking interesting that i've sent you oh my god ashley sends me a podcast It's the day I listen to fucking none. No. I'm too busy. It's called The Charlene Show.

I'll put like a little link on my Instagram. And she tells you about how to look for a good surgeon. And there was some really scary stuff on there. Basically, one of the big websites, I'm not going to say the name because I don't want to get into trouble. But like, it's terrifying how they filter the bad reviews out on there.

And then there's another one on Google and Yelp. you can press a button and see how many reviews have been deleted yeah and it was just like it just made me think so that's why do you know what my advice on if you're looking to get surgery or anything stay out of her dms yeah don't stay stay out on my dms is to go to numerous consultations following on from the research don't rush into anything okay so make sure you've seen at least two people so you've got two different opinions take someone with you if you can so that they can digest everything and then also ask to speak to some of their past patients yeah yeah that's a good shout and also expectations be realistic girls don't do things for the wrong reasons

either yeah so we've and i just sat here and said that i had my lowers done for and i'm not really sure why or what they did but learn from me girls so i'm sat here with my sunglasses on and i'm not fucking taking them off there we go right so there's an issue that we need to address to the fans please stop saying that no i'm sorry to our gorgeous listeners so the brunch the knuckers what nip tuck no stop with stop trying to make it work not gonna work okay so the brunch guys we are shit and we're sorry but basically i was pregnant and i was so fucking ill you're so annoying i was so annoying and i was so ill and i'm not like being up my own arse but i am the major driving force behind me and lauren no actually it's actually i am yeah ashley and

charlie are the ones i just like so without me it doesn't lauren's like saying like she i can't believe you got pregnant you're so annoying i was literally she was like i'm pregnant i was like great great do you remember actually when you were at my house and you found that book in saskia's room and it was like we're having a baby and she i was having my makeup done and she ran downstairs with this book and she went oh why the fuck have you bought this and i was thinking i was gonna tell you today i'm not gonna tell you and i was like don't know mate it was just that it was just that's what got it in prep i was like oh why have you bought this that you're having another baby she's like you're not actually gonna have one she's like no no no so anyway the brunch it's

actually not funny we feel really bad about it but i don't you're the one that got pregnant and there was like the option to do it without with ashley being pregnant but it's not gonna be the same it's not gonna be the same and i and i knew what was gonna happen and i would have fit the role fantastically i would have been plied with alcohol by you yeah because you would have thought it was funny i would have got shit faced i would have made a fool of myself and ashley would have gone home with her little perfect family in a bum and i would have been like legs akimbo somewhere and i just wasn't doing that so and ashley organizes everything as me drinking my nose echo secretly like yeah so um it just wasn't gonna work like that but do you know what though

guys like coming up to summer now don't say we're gonna do it maybe even next christmas there's gonna be something we have booked some tickets to watch some other podcast shows and we might get some ideas from that but just like can you imagine the pressure of like being on stage and shit i think we will do it when we're when it's the right thing to do and you being pregnant it just wasn't yes so i'm pregnant fuck me so we've come back ashley's gained a baby i've lost my eyelids i'm so fat i'm nowhere further forward in life and ashley is racing on her head making new people in her belly tell us how pregnant are you i'm 26 weeks now yeah that's semi-pregnant i don't think that's very pregnant you probably feel it but i don't

feel like that's very pregnant so tell us everything like was it planned what i mean you bought the damn book fast gear was it planned with your husband yes yes it was um and yeah when did you decide that we want another straight away that was like why we got married what because you wanted to have a baby i well i'd want i mean let's not pretend you've not already had one at wedlock mate let's not kind let's not fuck about you've got two dads no you have did you ever think you'd be that person never no but when you are that person it's not that bad it's not but actually do you remember like the yeah and i can imagine like there's so many cunts out there that are probably like it's just got two kids yeah i bet they're

like do you remember ashley from high school good guess what she's got two kids well do you know what sharon fuck you and you still look you're still thinner than sharon now at 26 weeks so fuck you so go on so when you got married you knew straight away and i actually got pregnant as soon as i got married yeah on my wedding night i'm not taking the piss i got pregnant on my wedding night um and but unfortunately i had a miscarriage i know it was so sad so sad so like last time we were recording how many weeks were you nine when i found out but it was a missed miscarriage i need to talk about it more properly in like full-blown detail i'm not ready to talk about it yet because i've got a bit of ptsd from it yeah and like i keep thinking something's gonna

go wrong still i can imagine i mean it's horrible like before every scan i get like really bad anxiety really i can't sleep i can't eat it's horrible do you feel better now you're a bit further along yeah but it's still hard i can't imagine it because i've only ever been pregnant once in my life and it was all absolutely fine so i can't imagine like the fear of once that does happen and being like that could happen any minute yeah exactly it's like a reality rather than a fear when it's happened to you isn't it but you know what like the i'm so open about talking about it because the more open other people were with me even friends that i didn't know would had miscarriages then it comforted me in a weird way like when you told people were they like oh my

god well i actually had once had a miscarriage because no one tells people well you don't tell anyone do you because you don't you don't tell them that you're pregnant so why would you then tell someone you've had a miscarriage kind of thing what like it did it made me reflect on stuff those first few weeks of pregnancy i would say the first 10 weeks are the hardest 10 weeks yeah in your whole pregnancy even at the afterbirth but you literally feel so drained you feel horrific you didn't get any symptoms did you um you were fine i was sick i felt sick but not like it wasn't nice but no i didn't like no massively suffer i was just fat or horrific absolutely awful so yeah it's like it's weird how it's the bit that you're meant to be quiet about you can't

tell anyone yeah so anyway i had this missed miscarriage and then what does a missed miscarriage mean basically things were growing but the baby wasn't growing and then they were the baby wasn't passing out itself so i didn't bleed or anything oh my god they told me a scan so luckily i booked in for a scan at nine weeks and if i hadn't have had that scan i would have been told at my 12 13 week nhs that happened to a friend of mine it's just horrific it's happened to a few friends of mine it's really not nice and i had to have an operation yeah you did didn't you had to have some time off but that operation honestly girls it was fine like i was fine and look at me now pregnant again and obviously i don't know if people want to rush into things again but i was

very like no right this has happened move on from it i'm getting pregnant again so that's why i did my other podcast yes so i need to really talk about that as well there's so much shit we need to talk about um obviously ashley did her podcast which was unbelievable i hope everybody's listened to it you've not even listened to it have you i didn't listen to it all you could tell by how i said it because i forgot the name of it you're such a twat i think you could tell then when i was like and it was and i thought i can't remember the fucking name i actually can't what are you gonna do one on fuck boys because i won't listen listen everyone else will i'm gonna do one on smoking drinking coffee not brushing my teeth

and snogging scallies um so anyway i'm so sorry no i did listen to some of it i listened to probably three quarters and i was in the car and then i got i got bored but this is the reason why i did a separate one yes because right so we get statistics for every single ep yeah we know when you fuckers drop out we know when you drop in we know how old you are we know where you're from we know how many times you had sex last week and we have learned from our stats you don't like us talking about mum stuff no i think they do why do you think that they were the lowest rated episodes i've never looked at our ratings well obviously i haven't because that's lauren you knew oh i don't remember they don't like guests and they don't like mums our fans stop saying fans

i think they do no i disagree i think the people that listen do like mums um i think they do but i just think maybe you don't want to be inundated with it some of you aren't moms and also do you know what the moms that i know that listen just love escaping yes and hearing about lauren shagging this person yes me doing this you do nothing um that's why you have enough fucking green tea that's why i did a separate episode yeah we have to be sensible about it you are so clued up you've got so much to give in certain aspects of i can't see you're pointing at something look the single parent episode has got literally a third of listens to others okay so i don't check all this shit i just turn up um anyway ashley did a really really good podcast i believe

it's called where the fuck do i start and no it is it's for people that want to know about things like that and that's that's a really good place to start and i just think people we've noticed have started a little like divide between us within the ranks and i think they're a bit like oh my god the podcast went and now ashley's doing it on her own it's so not true ashley's not posting about surgery but lauren is because we're two different people literally me and lauren like the one that the one thing even though we're so different we are so similar in the way of we really don't give a fuck what other people do what you want like honestly like as long as everyone's happy and safe and help like i don't care and we love each other that much but we literally

like we've had a few things recently where i've rang you for example i'd be like just to let you know i'm pissed off about this and you've said like i i don't think this is yeah yeah but like we it's not that deep it's not that deep it's not a big deal we've been friends for over 10 years we argue like sisters and bicker and but we are who we are we accept each other for what each other is as well never a problem i don't i mean i don't if you've ever heard me say this i don't have time to have a problem with anyone and i actually don't unless something affects me deeply myself i'm not interested so i'm happy for ashley she did i can't be arsed like she she's so good in what she does and i'm really lazy because i'm doing other stuff so we've not fallen out no

there's no beef we're so excited to be back yeah ashley's done an amazing podcast that i promise one day i'll listen to when i'm in the position that i want another baby yeah and i mean like i said like i've got so much you've got so much to give yeah with regards to the pregnancy miscarriage i agree like i've had some treatment blah blah blah i'm not like ready to go into it yet because i just want the baby to come safe if that makes sense yeah but i'm excited because i'm being dead bosh and i'm having the baby right at the portland tell us i need to put these sunglasses back on i'm sorry so tell like right first of all to a normal person like me yeah that seems so fucking extra does however does it yeah however if i could would i and this is what annoys me people oh my

god well would you yeah i don't think of it like that do you know what i what go on you tell me what you think of this so even since we had babies yeah the nhs is pretty fucked and that all the midwives have left there's hardly any midwives left it's so sad when i had the miscarriage and then this time as well the midwives that are left they're unreal they're amazing every you know the nhs is amazing don't get me wrong but they've not got the resource at the minute i was waiting for hours test results were getting lost yeah i want to take myself out of that equation yeah and you can give them the resource to help other people and i can so if oh so you did this for everyone else of course honey if anyone's got a problem

with me paying oh okay honey i've made more room for you wow you've spanned that good you should be a politician no regardless you i would if i could is what i'm saying so i think people like uh well would you yeah you probably would why would you want to if you can have a better service tell me what is the better service so what does it entail so did you go into your own room when you had the only because i was like nearly dead oh right no i didn't get my own room when i had sass i was on a ward of 12 people yeah so i was on a ward the first night and i was like if you don't let me leave i'm gonna walk out i just had a section yeah it was i discharged myself and i was like so then and i got an infection so then i got my own room but no i wouldn't have necessarily

and like i can't do that again no like the experience of it no so is that the only place that you can go private in the uk or i made that up there's two there's the kensington oh three actually kensington wing lindow wing and the portland but there's none in the northwest is the linda where kate had her yes why didn't you go there because the place where i've been going for baby scans is in alderley edge yeah me and they are linked to the portland so i don't have to go down there at all fantastic until i have the baby so what will happen when you have the baby right so i'm going down to london like 10 days before because why are you going 10 days before i've paid for this shit i'm not missing out if it's coming i'm running across the road

into the hospital does that make sense oh you're going 10 days before because in case the baby comes early right yeah and you have to where are you gonna stay at the hotel opposite you're gonna stay in a hotel for 10 days pre-baby yeah that's the fucking isn't it and i'm gonna have like massages mate this is you do know this is absolutely not reality don't you i'm so fucking i'm not having another child until i can do it like this yeah yeah serious i'm not doing the shit again that i did we're talking about like as if it's gonna be all perfect let's see what happens so sass so she's you're gonna have like 10 days to how do you feel though about like the fact that there's a new baby coming and then like you're gonna go for 10 days and then all of

a sudden you're gonna come home with a baby no like she's so excited have you planned it all probably like all properly of course she's staying at my mom's and you have to be really careful that you don't catch covid you know just before the baby oh shit yeah because then like you're fucked that's true like so many things you can't do so they've already pre-warned us like as in ed's got to have a pre-op and i've got to have a pre-op it's all like really clinical yeah and i'm just like right i'm gonna go down to hotel i'm literally just gonna do really chilled out things um sasky is coming to london for a few days as well with my mom but then she'll go home at the minute in the hospitals they are not allowing any visitors really yeah well think if you've like paid and

planned and everything and then there's other people traipsing in and out it's not right so it is only allowed to be me and ed and we've got to have tests a few days before um and then go in and have the baby so right what distinguishes the difference between doing it at withinshore hospital and doing it at the portland okay literally nothing apart from you get your own bedroom guaranteed yeah you get to choose a named consultant yeah so i know who is delivering the baby i've researched them and you get one-to-one care after you've had the baby they will take the baby into the nursery so i can sleep for three days and i get a physio everything do you know what i find mental how when you've given birth you are the most tired

or had a c-section like i did as well you are the most tired that you've probably ever been in your life and then they're like here have this yeah it's mental you that is the time that you need a rest did they do this at your hospital i wouldn't have let mine go though i wouldn't have like i was no i probably won't you won't want to let them go no i wouldn't have let it go but it's there they've got one-to-one midwife who can come and sit in the room oh and ed can stay in the room with me um the food is a lot nice yeah yeah i bet you get a lovely little bit of it you can get champagne you can get champagne oh my god champagne yeah love that oh yeah i'll go into that shortly i should remind you about champagne it's really not appropriate for right now um but

yeah when i was at hospital at withy hospital no offense to withy because i'm from there um they went ding ding ding ding with you know one of those school bells that you had in the playground when you were younger and they went dinner ladies breakfast ladies and you had to get out hobble out yes i remember hobbling out the bed and then push the baby in that clear thing the incubatory thing and put a rock of a jacket potato in a microwave and then take it back with the baby and eat your sad little dinner with your sad little baby it was shite yeah listen if you can do it how much was it can you say or not okay i've not had the final bill yet everyone wants to know right go on So, so far, I've paid about 10 grand.

Okay. And that's for, like, all the stuff being done up here. Yeah. Because I had, like, the NIPT test. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then I have a scan every three weeks. That's really good. And blood tests.

I've got a midwife that comes round to the house. She's going to still come round to the house after the baby because the NHS midwives that came traipsing round your house didn't like that one bit. Mine didn't even, like, take her shoes off. Yes, same! mud into my newborn house she had um a coat on still from being outside and she was touching the baby and i felt really like oh um so anyway so paid 10 so far and i think it's about another

10 when i get to the hospital when you've had the baby all right yeah okay like i say it's not something that i wouldn't do can you do it with a vaginal birth like that you could but then think about it the baby could come at any time difficult isn't it imagine you paid 20 grand and had it in tesco on the toilet you thought you were going for a poo and you're like 20 grand that'd be brilliant because like people that you know that are like oh the baby flew out i'm like fuck me like yeah jealous and then obviously i'm gonna be wearing all my compression afterwards are you gonna take it all down with you obviously so compression is life after having a baby so basically i'm taking all my compression down compression is key key and the foam shit yes

we'll do like an a more detailed episode on the compression but if you're gonna get a compression as well guys macom honestly i've been using it for years it's the best one i've used other brands there's another one that's begins with an l it's absolutely shite don't bother don't waste your money macom is honestly the best saying that isn't it's so genuine like i put on hey look at what i'm wearing right now oh god you look awful i am my macom bra look let me just take my top off as well can we just compare the two of us right now who looks better charlie be honest i look like a potato doesn't actually looks more supported and mumsy i look slim and sexy so anyway yeah yeah good one i um i wore their compression after i had fear like and i blogged about it

so it's so genuine yeah yeah it's genuine it is it's so good so anyway i'm boring and fat you are um and you were you you have do you know ashley's been doing right you're not too bad now she kept judging me do you remember she kept because she was so fucking jealous so i'm still jealous and i wore um a certain outfit and she replied like oh no no it was the body it was the body stocking yeah everyone was wearing and it did look good and she messaged me like say it didn't look she messaged me you look like a prostitute oh you look like a slag and i was like yeah you're just jealous mate she was sat there with her ice cream and she's looking like an orangutan so judgy like you shouldn't really do that you're always getting pissed like honestly she's fine now though

um but i have been getting so pissed right any dick any cock i've had a bit um so what have i been doing wow okay um i am in the best position man wise i feel like my pussy power i mean i'm sat up here with sunglasses saying this is at an all-time high so i am in such a good position i've been single now for over a year and it has been the most fun year ever um i have conflict you know all these issues that i used to have around men they've gone so could you go on a date now yes i've been on dates have you actually yeah so i feel like now i my past problems have gone so i used to like meet a guy and get really attached to them didn't i and they were my boyfriend straight away i mean i did kind of do that a bit at one point but

that's gone now a few weeks ago yeah but anyway so and i've really really learned now like i don't need them i'm so busy i'm so happy my friends my baby and my work that's where i was happy literally before i got married i don't need them they're not bringing me anything yes you want the good wood i can't bring you flowers oh no no no no no no no stop it okay um anyway so you need the good wood i don't know the young ones are saying it so um you need that and that's fine exactly say my name say i can't bring you flowers i'll give you good wood though no i can't cope with it anyway right they should be adding to your life not taking away from yes and i really feel like that so at the minute i've got categories and i've been thinking about like the categories of the men

in my life that come and go and you know when people say you're chatting to anyone so these of the categories that i think i have you have your legacy so your legacy men are the ones that you might have known for years and they're always there you can always rely on them when you need a little bit of attention but your legacy like they've been there for years you might have snogged them or shagged them like six years ago you have a little flirt now and again and when you're feeling like you need it your legacies are always there aren't they like years of worth of it then you have your regular trust me i know you know about them yeah and you call upon a legacy and it could be years and you need a little flirt they're going to be there for you yeah and you don't

necessarily meet them but you could and then you've got your regulars so your regulars i think are people that you've been chatting to for quite a bit and you speak to almost every day and you might meet them if you want to meet them they're there but you you don't have to but they're a regular occurrence and i've got you know you have a few of those sometimes and then you have your fresh meat and they come in on sort of a weekly basis and they have a rotation on the fresh meat so the fresh meat comes in and they may stay a meaty conveyor belt they may stay and become a regular a sausage factory sausage factory yeah they may come and stay a regular or they might just be fresh meat that lasts a few days but they're in they come and go the fresh meat yeah

the regulars keep going they keep you entertained throughout the day and the legacy are there when you pissed up and you can actually confide in the legacy the legacy you might even have gone out within the legacy is a good one so that's like where i'm at and i've got i'm good i'm yeah so are you seeing anyone at the minute no but you were um i was i i is seeing a loose word loose being there being the main word here right you were loosely seeing i was i was seeing somebody um i would say did you like them or were you just using them for sex no i liked him what happened he lived in london oh right okay so you know who it was yeah i do yeah so yeah we it's a famous

no not famous come on like i didn't have a i didn't have a high school crush on the person I needed a reminding of who it was but then I knew when she reminded me you would have had a poster of him somewhere on your wall anyway so it was like a fantasy from flicking your bean

when you were younger I never fancied it when I was younger and I liked him and we got on and it was great and we met a few times and it's been going on it went on for quite a while and you had some fun London nights out as well didn't you i need to tell you about what i did in london so i went to london of the weekend of the marathon

the london marathon of course yeah i got fucked oh it was a fucking marathon it was a no i went to the box um don't remember any of it actual don't remember off barnet on vodka don't remember any of it um and then we got in we got in at about nine in the morning ten anyway so we get in this uber i mean last night's body i think she actually said that day i wish i was pregnant yeah i do yeah i think i did i wish i was pregnant um so i had a body stocking on last night's makeup i'd been out for what 12 hours by this point i looked horrific i was still fucked and it was the london marathon so i couldn't get a cab anywhere so me and my friend had to get an uber then he kicked us out in the middle of the marathon so there's all these people that were

like doing it for charity really good like families go on daddy go on daddy and he's doing it for these charities and these people that are trained for years and they were healthy and uh me and my friend had to stagger through them in heels and body stockings for stinking of alcohol from and all the women were pulling the kids away from us like don't look at them don't look that way they're prostitutes we definitely weren't but but guys we've made headway with lauren she what are you gonna say has got on to an exclusive exclusive online dating app and we need a whole episode on this yeah i think we should do an episode on date on online dating because there's a lot to say why don't we go through it and we'll look at the people that

on it and talk we can't say who they are though that'd be fun yeah um i have i've managed to get onto a dating app that we've mentioned before i don't know how the fuck how no and you have to be like approved to get on it i actually took the were they blind listen to this so they check your insta so i archived all the pictures of thea can you do that until you got accepted and then i put them all back on again and i felt guilt every day it was only like lauren did you not ever wonder why i chose not to pace my kids i don't honestly i literally and i felt guilt every day like this you're disgusting human being anyway she's back and it's all good hey it's a dog eat dog world you gotta do what you gotta do i'm looking for baby dad number two to baby number two so

right guys now as part of our new series we are gonna do dilemma dilemma of the week baby so we have picked out a dilemma that we're gonna read out and we're both gonna say what we think our advice would be um our stance on it do you want me to do the song because i remember it go on dilemma of the week dilemma of the week okay does no one remember that right so we're gonna do dilemmas um i've just i need to tell you that champagne story yes yes yes yes tell us this is really like this is actually trying to be interesting because she's fucking boring I've gone through the archives I was funny once I've got a funny story pregnancy babies boobs um yes once I uh the champagne okay so I had this boyfriend and he was away and this I was probably

like 20 1920 at this point and I was staying at his house with my friend from uni and like you know when someone's got a media wall with the tv and shelves on yeah like that goes yeah so i was sat on the sofa and the tv was like in front of me and i could see a big digital camera like as in a video recorder but like even like that would have been like 15 years ago like it was a big old thing and its lens was pointing right at me and i've been looking at it for a few weeks like hmm that scares me like you know when you're at home doing naughty things working from yeah yeah and you have to cover up yeah yeah you have to blue tack over your webcam thing on your laptop yeah that kind of thing anyway i pulled it out and i found a video of him and his friend having

a threesome with this girl and they were putting bottles of moe up her bum and i had to sit like watching it and i never told him that i found it right stop right i need to know was the moe open yeah well they must have drank it first oh so it was an empty bottle i was kind of imagining it erupting up her arsehole like do you like shaking it up and then shoving it up because that caused real damage really seeded did it look good well she was that looked like she was enjoying it she knew she was like being filmed the camera's fucking side of my head like really would you ever do that never no would you what the mow up the arse or no the whole thing i've got a funny story what so one of you you know

my friend you won't mind they won't mind me saying my friend sam um i might have to cut this after i've said it because it might be too inappropriate my friend sam um and his girlfriend olivia love them me and a boyfriend that i had went and stayed at their house one night and um we'd had loads to drink and olivia is very very very successful in her job and she had one of those beautiful bottles of champagne that had been awarded to her for being like the number one i don't know it was like a massive huge big deal to her it was so important to her you put it up your bum no i nearly did and then and and then the guy that i was with was like we would have loads of drink was like can i like what should we looking around the room like oh what can we ah objects yeah i don't

no and he was like that and i was like no no no no anyway the next day i told him she was like oh my god like that is the most precious thing to me and you're gonna put it up your vagina and i was like i didn't i've never put anything weird up there um i've not really i don't guys send us in like the weird thing you know right dilemma let's get let's go stuck in okay dilemma here it comes i'm seeing a guy and things have gone into the bedroom so they're having sex he's a very attentive lover well done however two of the three times that we've had sex he hasn't fully had an erection the whole time and the last time he just couldn't ejaculate and it was actually quite soft most of the time the second time things were much better but we had

both had a drink i obviously hadn't mentioned it and neither has he i'm wondering what might cause it though and i'm worrying irrationally that i'm not attractive enough he obviously does find me attractive though because he keeps seeing me and wants to sleep with me so i'm just wondering does he have anxiety about his performance he seems really confident he always sends me sexy texts as well is there anything i can do i've got no clue on how to handle this right first of all can i just tell you um this has nothing to do with how you look and i'll tell you why men will shag anything yeah yeah i'm not saying you're not fit i'm sure you are they will shag anything even animals any hole is a goal and i fully believe that and i know they will shag anything so it's

got i mean that sounds horrible it's got nothing to do with how you look they're animals animals let's just so let's completely get that thought out of your head it is not that you know like men when they cheat on the girlfriends they always cheat with uglier girls as well yes like a bit of because they're rare so um that's not it however i and the other thing that's interesting about no don't get stuck into a floppy dick situation yes so this is like your pussy's better than that you deserve a rock on i've got one of the most beautiful friends in well one of the most beautiful friends in the world and she was in a relationship with a really successful guy and it was all going really well like ticked every box apart from his dick was just soft or it was either soft or semi

and i don't think he ever actually managed to come like during sex it was always he had to do some weird stuff some weird routine to like make himself like and and then she was just like i literally can't cope with it anymore and she said every time she had sex she had to get really really pissed to like forget about the weird stuff that he was doing yeah and i just think do you know what you do see that a lot in successful guys sometimes that they because they push the boundaries in so many ways do you think it's that nothing's turning them on i don't know i think that they are into weird shit yes i think there's two ways to look at this so you've obviously first of all you've got the fact that it could be physical but she's only done it twice yeah this

is what i'm thinking so it could be a physical thing where he has a problem like genuinely something's wrong with his penis that's sad it's broke it's broke um but it could also be that like you just said successful men they're not their kind of turn on level is so high like and weird that you're never gonna hit that tickling or something yeah well like you've not got to that stage you don't know what each of the lights yeah i think and the other thing i find interesting about it is she said that when they were pissed it was okay normally when they're pissed it's that makes me think he's putting pressure on himself that's what i'm thinking that when they had a drink he had a bit of confidence so just be drunk the whole time oh my god yeah i agree

alcoholism i've done that i have done that before where i've been in relationships where every time i've done it i've been smashed yeah yeah and then they're like your friend goes like well how big and you can't remember yeah what about that one that where i was constantly like just pissed the whole time you don't even get pissed that much not not unless i'm a binge i'm an absolute binge whereas i'm the other way around i'm constantly on a level yeah you're constant alcoholic i'm a binge um but yeah i think with this guy i think it's a confidence thing i think tell him how fit he is when you're doing bits be really like oh yeah and also like the build up like make four play last and like don't put any pressure on it like turn your phones off like just wow you you've

just put big pressure on it don't put any pressure like do you know what i mean like don't don't look turn your phone off we're gonna begin bones in the bag just like turn your phones i'm like as into the outside world and be just like you know i am just gonna be all yours now you this is so pressureful and is it yeah i think the opposite that's so pressure return your phone if i'm your yours your or mine mate you've not had sex in ages clearly no i've not i think you need to be just more chilled with it charlie's crying laughing your advice you need to get off the podcast until you've had the baby because you're crap i hi this is nip tuck not giving fuck with lauren you can buy viagra now from the pharmacy as well right shush now so you know

viagra after they've come does their dick just stay hard yes yes it does but then i don't understand It's so they can keep going. And who wants to keep going? Not me. Not me. Not me. That's horrible. They think you want to go all night.

You don't. It is so painful after a while. It chafes. Like, it gets so dry. So what? Their dick just goes, and then stays. And then continues to be hard.

Yeah. And so do they want it again straight after? Yeah. Anyway, maybe first of all, try Viagra. Put it in his drink. Secondly, keep him really confident.

I think it's his confidence. Get pissed a few times, maybe, so that you both know it works. It's good. And then he'll get the confidence when you're sober keep giving him compliments and then laugh about it one day and then one day like remember when you had a floppy dick but some people i'm sorry guys i'm being really negative

some people just do you have a floppy cock floppy cock syndrome do you remember when we talked about the thumbing it in yeah some guys like if they are unhealthy then they do have floppy cocks and it's completely unacceptable can i just say if you could see this i wish i could get a video of she's saying it so seriously and her face is like honestly that is the thing and it's fucking cock

and she's like deadly serious like as if she's telling someone bad news do you know what someone told me though do you know that pomegranate juice

that I always post supposedly if men drink that it gives them full stonky hard cock really so guys

if you're listening get the pomegranate down you there we go okay guys you'll hear from us next week I feel like we've talked

I'm so sorry about this episode I feel like it's been there's been no control adhd yeah it's been me very me um i'm really sorry but i am so happy to be back are you ash yeah i love it we love it um we're going to be more structured but tell us what you like what you don't like help us tell us what you want 100 follow us on instagram at ntngaf send in your dilemmas via dm they will always be completely anonymous always always and then we might like check up on them now and again so if we do your dilemma do tell us how it goes

yeah like did we give you good soft dick advice yeah i gave you good wood though i don't bring you and can ardy is he called yardie or ardy ardy say my name can someone can i fancy him so is there any can somebody no you're not okay no i do fancy him ardy i think he's called do you know who it is it's hideous don't listen to it okay guys thank you thank you so much for listening see you we Love you. Bye.