NO FOMO - 1. Cocaine Hippos

Episode Date: February 8, 2022

NO FOMO The Smartest Podcast on the Planet Episode 01 : Cocaine Hippos To Submit to the Show message us on Instagram linked below!   Socials: Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/fomomusic_/ Twitter: https://twitter.com/fomomusic_ Spotify: https://open.spotify.com/artist/6K4rA... Soundcloud: https://soundcloud.com/wearefomomusic

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to No FOMO. I'm Garrett. You're Morgan. This is Morgan. This is when you speak. Yeah. And this is our best friend, John. Hey, how are you? Welcome to the first episode of the best fucking podcast to ever exist. This is episode one. We're not professionals. We're just trying our hand.

We're dipping our toes in the water. You know what I mean? So if we say something horribly offensive, please don't cancel us because we're just giving it a shot. Or do and then we'll start a different show under a different name. We'll create a new alias and we'll just run from there. So we

just came off a pretty heavy weekend. A couple of shows. I met Chris D'Elia this morning, which was pretty fucking cool. I walk up to him, and I took a little selfie, and Morgan was coming to pick me up to bring me to this beautiful couch that we're sitting on right now, and

I give Chris D'Elia the phone, and I say, can you tell my friend to hurry the fuck up? He's like, hey, it's Chris. Can you hurry the fuck up? And Morgan has no clue who it is. And fucking hangs the phone up. Why does he go, hey, it's Chris on the phone? Like, I'm supposed to fucking guess Chris D'Elia? What was he supposed to say?

Hey, Morgan, it's Chris D'Elia. Yeah. I mean, in hindsight, yes. I also wish I had him recorded, like, an intro for our podcast. I totally blew it, but I didn't want to bother him. He was with an entourage of 16-year-old girls, which he fancies. Here we go. Is there any chance he came up and talked to you just because you entourage of 16-year-old girls, which he fancies.

Here we go. Yes. Is there any chance he came up and talked to you just because you look like a 16-year-old boy? Yeah, I think he thought I was 16. That's the only reason he gave me the time of day. He was into me, for sure. He thought I was a 16-year-old girl. That's probably why.

But yeah, no, it was good. He's going to love this. love this yeah no i hope he's listening uh congratulations to him on uh his great success in his podcast which is a huge inspiration to us and congratulations on not getting canceled because he got uncanceled he was the closest i've ever seen anyone to getting canceled that was actually not canceled like you don't get away with some shit like that very often. What was it again? He was DMing

some questionably underage girls. There wasn't a question about that part. No, there wasn't really a question about that part. I was trying to be respectful. They were underage and he had a newborn child and he's married. So that didn't go great.

Yeah, you don't really want that. But he's back, baby. You know what I mean? He's back. Dude, yeah, I mean, he's back. Anywho, I want to run through a little recap of the weekend, boys. How'd we do? I got a pretty good little bit.

Feeling absolutely great right now. Yeah, we are feeling like a georgia peach this morning uh i think i've been drinking since thursday um and i'm you know i have a coors light in front of me so we're just running it you know tomorrow is going to be just beautiful sponsored by coors light yeah this this episode of the podcast is in fact sponsored by colorado kool-aid aka coors Light. If the mountain's blue, so are you. Let's go, baby. John. Yeah, I got a little, I just kind of wanted to start off with one of the best comeback stories of the year, really. Just let them know. Besides Jackson Mahomes?

Yeah, but besides that, you know, as when you get a girlfriend and they have single friends, the classic move, they ask, you know, you got any single friends for us? Yes. You know, and they asked me. Any hot single friends. Yeah, exactly. So ask, you know, you got any single friends for us? Yes. And they ask me. Any hot single friends. Yeah, exactly. So I said, yeah, I got you. And I pull up a picture of Morg instantly, hand it over to the chick. Yeah, because that's your boy.

Yeah, that's my boy. I was like, I'm going to go top tier first. Yeah. Hand it over. And the exact noise she makes as soon as she looks is, ooh. And I said, ooh, what does that mean? What does that mean? What does that mean? So she proceeds to rip my boy apart by saying his eyes are way too close together.

She put him through the fucking shredder. And his nose is way too fucking big. Oh, she went that in depth. Like, you could say, like, no, but, like, to, like, actually analyze your face, that's fucked up. And it was quick. It wasn't like she had to think about it. I was like, what does that mean? She knew right away what she didn't like.

Yeah, got it. But the comeback story starts here. Okay, here we go. So we have like she had to think about it. I was like, what does that mean? She knew right away what she didn't like. Yeah, got it. But the comeback story starts here. Okay, here we go. So we have a little birthday brunch for my girlfriend. We all go out. She's like, hey, dude. Molly, happy birthday. Yeah, happy birthday.

She's the homie. So she's like, you can invite a friend. I'm like, I know who I'm inviting. Yep. Small eyes. The guy with the close eyes and a big nose. We bring him out to brunch. These motherfuckers are so close, dude.

We bring him out to brunch, though. That girl shows up. She's like, oh, shit. Here we go. I'd say about 30 minutes in. Game over. Morg's eyes were starting to separate. My eyes were fucking like that.

That nose was starting to look real small. Oh, shit. And I don't even think the first round of drinks came before it was. Before it was a sealed deal. Before Morg was just. Before he woke up at her house. It was set in stone. Wow. think the first round of drinks came before it was before it was a seal deal morgue was just wow wittily shows up in his you know entire gray six four two twenty five looking like an absolute unit let's not forget that we stayed up until 7 30 and i showed up in the clothes last night

oh my god yeah we've had quite the weekend. I can't say that it went well. No, I wouldn't say so. Based off of how I feel. So the whole idea was we were always going to record these episodes on Sunday because we thought it'd be funny if we were hungover. But the harsh reality is we plan to be here at 10 a.m. today and I woke up at 10.48. And I didn't have a single text from either guy

because none of us were awake. So we're just kind of go with the flow type of people. We're not going to really schedule it that heavily. Oh, we're definitely not scheduling it for the AM anymore. Because it's currently 2.34 PM, and we had this planned for four fucking hours ago. So let's just say we're kind of- Well, tentatively next time.

Yeah, it'll be very tentative. You know what I mean so uh we do plan on dropping all the episodes on mondays uh it may or may not get recorded on that sunday because uh when i rolled up to the house that we're recording this at right now john was under three blankets and i thought he was not alive not alive halfway through we six tacos. We had to do a pulse check. Yeah. You know, it was concerning. But he's good. We're back in it.

We're here. Feeling absolutely great. We've never been better. What else we got going on, boys? What the fuck else happened to me, dude? We got Taco Bell and it was real good. We had a real nice night. Let me talk about Taco Bell. Yeah, Taco Bell turns it around real quick.

Yeah. Nothing like a Baja blast up your ass to really just get the gears turning. I put my credit card into the parking lot thing eight times before I realized it was backwards. Okay. Yeah, that's... So when you're functioning really well. Yeah. That happens.

Brain's running real full speed today, so... Honestly, anything that doesn't have the tap thing these days, I forgot how to use it. Well, you have to put it... I'm sorry. What the fuck are you talking about? Here's my iPhone. Scan it and let me get the fuck out of this AM, PM, okay? Do we want to tell them about our late night high discovery

of the best thing we ever found, really? I need to hear about it. How do we say this in a way that makes sense? We can say it in a way that makes sense. It's just how bad does it sound for us, you know? Okay, so this part might get edited out. I don't even know what they're about to drop on me. So, you know, we went out the night before before we stay out until like 5 a.m which night

because we went out friday night friday night yeah okay we got back to my place at like 5 a.m okay uh we got super high really the perfect amount of high though it was really walls or smokage or what'd you guys do we did a little bit of both both yeah a little light edible and then a little light jay um so my natural first thing how do we get there when you come home with your boy first thing you're gonna pull up is the hub I think honestly we're down bad of the week though for two dudes laying in a bed watching fucking porn on the phone together Like seven in the morning. Yeah, I mean I look at remember Oh, you didn't speak. I looked over him and I was like, what are you doing? And he's just got porn on there and I was like, I can't even speak. I looked over at him and I was like, what are you doing?

And he's just got porn on there and I'm just like, but this is nice though. It's a vibe. I was high as all fuck. I don't even think I said anything when I saw you looking at it. I was just like, what is he? And then I was like, yeah, yeah.

Just started looking very interested. But I don't know if anyone has anything to top that, honestly. What else we got? Do you guys both finish Ozark already yes we watched it all in one day like we planned right here actually

the whole thing all at once I thought it was good I didn't fucking know yeah we might spoil Ozark if you haven't watched it yet first of all get a fucking clue it's only seven episodes you don't have seven hours you don't have seven hours of your time in the last five days

wake up okay so i thought it was good like i don't know it's it's such a good show that i have such high expectations and this being the last season i know it's only part one well that's the issue is that it was part one i know so i can't give you the full hitter and i'm not and i had to click i still think it was an 8 out of 10. Maybe 7.8. It was solid. Like, 8's aggressive. I mean, I love the show.

No, I love it so much. It's not going to go below an 8. Like, Jason Bateman, he's just the fucking GOAT. Jason Bateman plays the best Jason Bateman ever. He is literally just himself in every single thing. I hope he's exactly like that. Oh, have you listened to shows with him? Like, podcast shows?

No, I've never seen him in real life. He's exactly the same. Oh, have you listened to shows with him? No, I've never seen him in real life. He's exactly the same. It's uncanny. That would be such a clutch job to just be an actor and your character is always you. You don't have to do any fucking work. Well, that's the thing about what I think people don't understand about Leonardo DiCaprio because he's so good that everyone thinks,

oh, he's just like that guy. Oh, he's a walker off Wall Street. He's Jordan Belfort. But he's not actually at all. But he does it so well that it seems like that's like oh he's the wolf wall street like he's jordan belfort but like he's not actually at all well but he does it but he does it so well that it seems like that's exactly who he is but like he's not really he might be the wolf wall street we don't know he's definitely a fucking boss i don't think he's ever dated a girl over the age of 24 have you seen that graph we'll put the graph up but it's basically his age obviously on a constant he ages like at a

consistent level like most people he's not vampirical or anything he's not a vampire um but the girls that he dates the curve kind of goes like this and every time it hits 25 he dumps them so like i think he's if you can rent a car i don't want to fucking talk to you he's currently dating like a 19 year old supermodel which is just it's it's just so leo you could rent a car amount i know he's listening because he's a long-time listener first time caller of the show um but we like you you're the man i'm happy for you and all your success yeah do we want to get into the mommy mondays or what do we want to start with here? Let's see.

Do we have some candidates for Mommy Monday? We got a whole bunch of shit here. Or do you want to go right into Philosopher's Stone? I'd like to go into the Philosopher's Stone segment. We're going to do a couple different segments throughout the course of the show. This episode one we plan on doing around three to four million, I think. But Mommy Mondays is one

where we're going to nominate send in your mommies if you want yeah you guys are more than welcome to nominate some candidates um we would also like to do a segment regarding the down baddest of the week where we like guest submissions and we will judge who we think and we won yeah we won this week this week my boys most weeks we might win actually we will probably beat you guys every week like you'd have to really fuck it up

you'd have to be really down bad as bad as us but yeah feel free to just DM us on Instagram we might set up

a separate account just for this show that you guys can submit shit to just so it's easier anyone that's down bad just fucking if you feel like

you got played this week by a girl, you got ghosted, you got just one of the more horrific. Why is that the first thing that came up for you? We're not going to get too personal on this show. I want this to be a fun, lighthearted thing. We're not going to talk about it. It's lighthearted for us. We're not going to talk about my personal.

It's lighthearted for us. I think without even speaking, I'm the down. Garrett got fucking ripped. I'm by far the down baddest of the year. Garrett went to spooky season. I'm candidate for down baddest of the year. If you could sum it up, I'd just say quad text. But if I didn't bounce back like a fucking nuclear missile,

I don't know what the fuck we're talking about. No, the amount of four texts in a row. It's multiple fours. You guys just... No, we have to break it down. No, we're not doing this. This is this week's breakdown, my boy. We're not doing forms. You guys just have to break it down. No, we're not doing this. This is this week's breakdown, my boy. We're not doing this.

We really aren't because there's a couple people who are listening to this that probably wouldn't appreciate it. One of them being me. So do me a favor. Shut it up. You know? Okay.

Okay, so anyway, next week we hope to have thousands of submissions for Down Bad. If you don't send them in, though, we'll have plenty of our own. I mean, yeah, don't sweat it. Like, if you're not down bad next week, we hope to have thousands of submissions for Down Bad. If you don't send them in, though, we'll have plenty of our own. I mean, yeah, don't sweat it. Like, if you're not down bad this week, we'll pick up the slack. Don't you fucking worry about it. So we're going to segue into our next portion of the show called Philosopher's Stone, where Big Brain Morgan brings in some big brain shit.

This is my fucking head up here. Go ahead and tell these people what this segment's all about or just show us what it's all about why don't you yeah you boy be thinking yeah not not much and when i have these fucking big brain technology thoughts i'm just gonna bring them up to the boys yeah you're my prince that's why i love you so what color are mirrors? Okay, fucking hell. Silver? Yeah, fuck yeah. Right? Explain, how is it silver?

Because it looks silver? The back is silver. So that's the mirror, right? No, you don't look into the back of a mirror. What color is it? What part of the mirror am I looking at then? Exactly. Well, what color is glass? What part of the mirror do you ever look at?

Like, what color is glass? Like, what color is glass? What part of the mirror do you ever look at? Like, what color is glass? Like, what color is glass? Glass is clear. No, but if I'm walking by a car, like, window, I can see myself in it. A tinted car window? Yeah.

Well, so what color is a mirror? It's whatever color it's reflecting. I like that. Yeah. You know? Yeah, no, it's silver. Fuck you.

How is it silver? It's silver, bitch. Look at it. Where's a mirror? Yeah, no, it's silver. Fuck you. How is it silver? It's silver, bitch. Look at it. Where's a mirror? Who's got a fucking mirror? Is it not? If you're looking at it. I mean, it's really not silver, though.

You don't see it. I didn't know this. I had a feeling this segment would be like this, but I need a mirror. This hurts to talk about. Like, it's one of those things that... We don't have to answer it. I think it's... I don't know.

I would love to see you. There's got to be a way to write it. But, like, okay, like, if you look at it from, like, any angle, regardless of what it's reflecting, it's silver. But you can never get it not reflecting something. Can you ever do that? You can never get it not reflecting something

because it's a fucking mirror. Wow. You could have started us off with a little easier one. You could have eased us into this. You could have given us some more. Do you have another one? I didn't fucking study up on my goddamn physics before this.

Sorry I didn't read a fucking Socrates novel before this. Yeah, hungover me is going to tell you what fucking color a mirror is. It's silver. Go fuck yourself. Next question, bitch. How many chickens would it take to kill an elephant? How motivated are they?

Yeah, it depends. Absolutely killer chickens. Are they working together? Are they out for vengeance? They're trying to kill a fucking elephant. Like, did an elephant step on one of their, like, you know, like, so say Chicken Joe's banging this chick, and then the elephant stops on him. Wait, say that again?

Chicken Joe, baby. Chicken Joe's banging this chick, and then the elephant stops on him. Wait, say that again? Chicken Joe, baby. Chicken Joe. New nickname. He's going to be like him. He's worth like 10 chickens because he has a vendetta. He's going for vengeance. He's an Avenger. And he's Iron Man.

He's really smart. He built this suit in a cave, and now you only need one chicken. And he builds an army of... I'm going to stop. No, no, no, no, no. No, I think it would take... I don't think it's even possible,

no matter how many there are. There'd have to be a million. I would need to have Mythbusters on, like, can a chicken, like, peck through, like, elephant skin? Because is that shit tough? Is it like a rhino where it's, like, kind of armored up? I think you kind of take it down, like, by inches. I think the only way is, like, if an elephant...

By inches? No, no, no, no, no. They can only get it its fucking kneecaps. Yeah if an elephant by inches no no no no okay they can only get it it's fucking kneecaps i know so you know chickens can fly they can fly i forgot about that okay okay so you got bombarder chickens oh you have the bombarders so i'm saying the ground the ground men you're just pecking away at the legs and hoping they get short this whole chicken into an army with different divisions the fucking i'm saying the way that you would attack an elephant as a chicken. Break it down. No, break that down.

You're going to have some just... As a cock yourself, why don't you go ahead and break it down for us? Okay, so you got some that are just going to fucking try to fly right at it and fucking stab something maybe? But what I'm saying is, does the stab work? You can only get so many beaks at their feet at the same time and none of them are gonna do anything No, I'm saying you get stomped out Okay, so it would stomp out if you're the million if you're the foot if you're the foot chicken you get a fucking

As opposed to what other sort of chicken? No, I mean if you're if you're on the ground level attack if you're not fucking flying right at it, okay? They could be like you're not an angry bird They're not like kamikaze because you've got to go low and high and some way if they could fly can they fly that they can fly i i'm no i think they could take flight but they can't really fly they don't like fly like birds like normal birds like they they could take off they can get it's not like they've you can get like they can fly in the fucking seconds of airtime they can get a few seconds of airtime yeah it's more of a they have like they don't like glide you know what i mean like they can flop around whatever but i'm saying okay so

if if you gotta have different angles for the attack obviously if you're the chick yeah i mean break it down i'm all ears okay so the ones at the bottom you're just trying to like cut off portions of the elephant foot like you you peck but i don't think that that that little beak can even do any damage especially on elephant skin it would have to be an unreal number of chickens a number that I don't know but I'm saying even if there's 10,000 the elephant's just trudging through and just kicking him I don't even think chickens could kill a human being

yeah how many chickens could you take yeah that's a better question are they kamikaze-ing and shit what if they're just flying out you're in this room and it's filled with fucker chickens they're pulling out all the stops that's what I'm saying maybe you have a chicken fucking fly at the elephant eyes like when those people walk into those but i'm saying i don't even know if there's a number

of chickens that could take you let alone elephant if they're kamikazeing at me i mean you just swat them away what do they weigh fucking four pounds what if 10 chickens are fucking angry birding your ass well me personally I'm done. I don't think I could take more than four. I'm talking about you, though. How many chickens do I think I could take? Yeah. Okay.

If it's a closed space, it's a different story. Say you're in this room, and there's how many fucking chickens? I need beer for this. Yeah. Drink up, bitch. I know you're sweating. You're getting nervous. Okay. So if I'm in this room with, say, 100 chickens,

and half of them are just darting at me. See, yeah. I mean, it would be annoying. Yeah, I don't think... Like, say, I could blind slap a chicken. Like, you're like, oh, bam. Just smack it. Like, unless one had it once, though.

Oh, I mean, but what are the other nine doing while I'm taking out one? They're pecking me? No, what if you have 10 chickens in flight at you? You could kick a chicken 80 yards. Take the first one out, instill fear in the group. What if one's behind you? And then single them out and one and one them down. They're trying to kill you. Put me in the corner

and nobody at my back. They're trying to kill you. Done. Why are they trying to kill you? You eat a lot of chicken though. They definitely don't like your ass. I've taken down a lot of chickens. You've taken down a lot but separately. And just like a breast or a thigh. I've taken down a lot of chickens. You've taken down a lot, but separately. And just like a breast or a thigh. You've never taken a full chicken down. Okay, so hypothetically say they could all fly at you.

They're being fucking angry birds, okay? Okay. I understand that, but let me walk you through that. They get to you. Okay. Then what? No, it's just one fly and like a peck. They're not going to do...

So like it's breaking skin. They're not... Right? Yeah. Like what? Oh, I have a scratch. So it's like I cut myself shaving. Well, you're going to bleed out at some point.

I guess if you got hit like a hundred times, maybe. But then how many like paper cuts does it take for you to bleed out? Because you don't really bleed that much. Dude, I think if a chicken jabbed you, it'd be like, it'd do some damage. How much does a chicken weigh? What's the PSI? What's the height force of a chicken? You're like it'd be like, it'd do some damage. How much does a chicken weigh? What's the PSI? What's the height force of a chicken? You're like, how much are they putting behind?

I'm just saying like, okay, a bird is flying at you 10 miles an hour and gets you one time with the beak. You're getting into physics again. Do they have beaks? Do they have beaks? I know a lot less about chickens than I thought I did. I don't really know anything about these creatures. Do they have beaks? Yes, they have beaks.

It's a bird. I can't even remember what a fucking chicken looks like. It's a bird. Are they technically even a bird? They can't fly. Like, they can't fly like a bird flies. A penguin's not a bird. Is it not a bird?

A penguin? No. Is a penguin a bird? Penguins and puffins are their own genus. I forget what it's called. What the fuck genus is it? Well, you're a fucking genius. I don't remember.

I'm going to look it up. Fucking Google it. Google it. Google break. Am I wrong? I mean, I wish people could respond penguins are birds they're not though penguins are birds it's got feathers and shit if you type in what is a penguin what defines a bird record this okay what is a penguin well i know what a penguin is but what is a penguin but i'm still googling it what is a penguin a penguin is a fucker bird they're a group of aquatic flightless birds okay stupid bitch so i thought i could fly

underwater though i thought that they were something else i was what i would love to know what genus you thought they were because there's only like three. It's like mammals, reptiles. You're never a genius. I said genus for the record. Yeah, but don't ever say anything close to genius because you're so fucking far. God damn it.

No, am I wrong? Yes. Simple answer, yes. Maybe what I was thinking, like puffins are not a bird maybe nope wrong again that's a type of penguin which is a bird dude i'm gonna kill my kindergarten teacher because this is horseshit she's making me look like a fool in front of my friends okay well next because penguins they can't fly. Cut the fuck out of his audio.

Flightless bird? We're going to stop your audio. Like a fucking ostrich, my guy? Oh, good God. Okay, so we have these. First two philosophers have no answers. I have my answers. How many chickens?

Unlimited. Unlimited chickens. And silver. I don't think there's an amount of chickens that can take down an elephant. Okay. If we're still going on about this. Okay, okay, okay. Penguins? Different story.

No, penguins you could take a million. You see that video of that seal fucking that penguin? Oh, that's some fucked up shit, bro. They get frustrated and they get frustrated if they're not like the alpha seal. Because they have like the alpha seal who like gets all the hoes, right? And then these guys are just fucking in the corner pissed off. like seals don't jerk could you imagine the first one to do that they like rape penguins and what was it what was the thing it was like it was insanely they started like just one of them did it and then all of them were just like fuck yeah let's fuck like

what am i doing he came over and hyped that shit up. They were like, dude, what did you just do? He's like, truss. Truss. I bet that shit's slippery. The first scene of the fucking movie. All right, next. Jesus. Okay. Next philosopher's stone, would you fuck a penguin? Let's not do that one.

Because we know we're just going to have to edit out everything that was said after that. That's true, yeah. Would you fuck a penguin? Okay, this one. That's because it's three yeses. Because it's going to be a three yes situation. A lot of these are related to poop, but we haven't even got to one yet, so I'm doing pretty good. Okay.

So babies eat when they're in the womb, right? Technically. Yeah, yeah. They don't eat. I mean, they absorb nutrients through their mother, through the umbilical cord. How do they go to the bathroom? They don't. That's part of the process. What do you mean?

When they're developing, they don't have all their shit regular. They're not eating a jersey like some. But a baby will shit the first day it's out. Yeah, because it's ready to be born. So it's just whole shit? first day it's out. Yeah, because it's ready to be born. So it's just whole shit? No, it gets like... I think it gets so directly fed nutrients that it doesn't develop in the stomach.

Oh, that's a good... Because it's not like the food goes through there. It doesn't go through their stomach. But I'm sure a newborn baby pisses and shits day one. Yeah, because they're out and they eat normal food that goes through their stomach. But they have an umbilical cord, so it gets digested differently, I think.

It's like direct... And this is all conjecture. I have no no clue what i'm talking about but i feel like this makes the most sense you know what i mean did you think of that one huh did you think of that one um so i saw something that was like kind of related to it and then i was like wait no it's an interesting thought but obviously like they're not just shitting inside of this their mom's stomach i know that yeah that's why it gets so big yeah okay so that was an easy one that one was relatively easy the other two i'm still a little bit flustered oh yeah i'm gonna definitely google search the mirror one i know i've heard the mirror one if a room is all mirrors but the thing is not everything is necessarily a color if a room is all like if if a thing is, not everything is necessarily a color. If a room is all mirrors. If a window isn't a color,

then a mirror isn't a color. So a mirror is not a color. Well, a window's color is clear. A clear isn't a fucking color. Yes, it is. No, it's not. If you get a box of Crayola crayons, is there clear on there?

Dumb ass. No, because how the fuck would you see it? Exactly, because it's not a color. A clear is a... it's not a color. It clears. It's not a color. How would it be a color? Clear is the lack of color. It's the absence of color without color. Yeah. Okay. You know what I'm talking about? Okay. Get it together. Okay. So we're getting there. So we got that one. Okay. That one's good. Shit, how deep do I want to fucking go in? You can go deep. This one's kind of just fun.

Weapon of choice zombie apocalypse. We're talking World War Z zombies. Fast ones? I haven't seen it. They rip though? They rip. You haven't seen World War Z? I don't think so.

Is that the Brad Pitt one? Those are the ones that are like a mob. They sprint super fast. They climb on each other to the ones that like it's like a mob they like sprint super fast they like climb on each other to get over stuff it's scary they're like rabies

fucking zombies see like I don't know I've said 10 times out of 10 if a zombie apocalypse happens and it is fast zombies

fuck it I'm out I just killed myself yeah fuck it weapon of choice slow zombies I'll play the game weapon of choice I'm gonna eat

as many Big Macs I can eat until I fucking die like in one sitting you know what I mean how many do you think the choice? I'm going to eat as many Big Macs I can eat until I fucking die. Like in one sitting. You know what I mean? How many do you think that would be? I'm literally opening my front door, hold my arm out, bite me.

We're done. You let them get you? I'd rather just shoot myself in the fucking head. Here's the thing. I want to be part of the team. If we're going down, I want to be part of the zombie team. You want to be a part of the team. I don't want to be out of it. Yeah.

But the thing is, if you kill yourself, you turn into a zombie, right? So either way, we're winning. Only if they get you before you die. If you die before, if you die before you don't like if you're dead and you get bit by a zombie i don't think you wake up no no no you don't it's got to infect you like before you actually die in hypothetical zombie situation that we're meeting yet no this is real like but here's the ones that science i think zombie facts is science i think the real zombie scenario would only be that they're pretty much like slow and

dumb because they're not going to get you're not going to just start running fucking eight miles how would they not be like as fit as anybody else and they're they get tired why would they be just sprinting like it'd just be a normal person it'd just be a normal person though but do they get tired like a normal person like they've never fat before and they feel like yeah there's some sort of like you're not gonna get superpowers if you get fucking bitten by... Also, like, how do they... It'd be like a disease. How do they gather any, like, energy? They don't eat?

They don't drink? Well, they eat humans. No, they don't. They just bite them. Or do they actually fucking munch on them? Yeah, they eat them. Yeah. Brains.

They fall on you. Brains. Well, if they ate them, then, like, how would they become a zombie? The next one. If they're eaten. Oh, that's a good point. You guys look fucking flustered. You don't just eat

them i'm with brains they can't like eat their whole being or they wouldn't they'd be like well i'm trying to recruit here i'm not trying to you know do zombies do zombies just not eat they're not real so well yeah i mean most of the time no most of the time what is most of the time like in movies most like take a bite out of someone but like how do you how does it because if you don't die right how does that's the thing there's the process of turning into the zombie the classic someone gets bit they're a bitch they hide it yeah and they slowly turn in if you get like oh no zombie yeah if you get mauled by a group of zombies you get eaten alive no and the walking dead then you like survive it and you're okay but like how does a how does so like i am legend

how does a horde of a million zombies survive when there's one human left in new york what are they eating fucking grass i think those ones nothing i think they just those ones they just they're just there those ones are pretty gnarly yeah those ones are just fucking yeah if it's those ones what do they call them dark seekers those ones were fucking gnarly i think that's what they Dark Seekers? Those ones are fucking gnarly. I think that's what they were called. I don't know why they have to do that in movies. Dark Seekers? I think that's what they were called, no? No, because they can't go in the light.

Those ones can't go in the light. Yeah, they're Dark Seekers. I'm serious. Okay. What was the fucking question? You asked me. We only said one weapon. Weapon of choice.

Weapon of choice. We didn't even talk about that at all. Honestly... Okay, so... We'll just go weapon of choice. Weapon of choice. We didn't even talk about that at all. Honestly, a nuclear bomb. We'll just go with one movie, and then you choose based on those zombies. Okay, so yeah, if it's World War Z zombies, I'm done. A nuke, me included. I'll be involved in the nuke. Take me out with the boys.

Okay, how are you taking yourself out? Nuke. Someone nuke me. If you're giving me an option to have a weapon of choice, I'm saying I want a nuclear bomb, and I'm going to drop it on my fucking head. To be fair, if they were fast ones, I'd be like, all right, here's my weapon of choice. See how long I can go.

Just step out in the front yard and go at them like the chickens. You are fucked. You are so fucked. I won't accept defeat. What do you got? What do you think you're winning with? Like any gun? Oh, guess what? Reload, you're dead. You're fucked. Morg had some fucking sly shit he asked us and he has no fucking clue dude if it's world wars you're fucked exactly why'd you pick that one i don't okay let's say they're walking dead they're fucking slow slow zombies fuck it i'm never touching one i'm fashioning them i'm just like

gonna walk briskly away i you. I think I go sword. I'm having a choice as a pair of Nikes. Listen for one behind you, and you're good. Well, yeah, I would pretty much be running, because there's no fucking point. Why would you even get into conflict? I'm just like, yo, I'm going to go this way, and I'm just going to walk a little bit faster.

Yeah. I think I'm going like heavy, blunt object, though. No, never hand-to-hand. Are you fucking kidding me? Like a sledgehammer or something. Dude, it's got to be a gun. I don't want to get within 30 fucking yards of these motherfuckers. But I still can't think of the optimal weapon.

It's definitely an automatic gun of sorts. But you're not getting like you got to find ammo for the gun. That's what I'm saying. Like, you know, you can't have enough ammo. It's not possible. I think I'd go sword.

A sword? Alright. A sword. Never mind. What kind of fucker's sword? Never mind, dude. I had a sword once. Thought it was cool. Maybe a sword. Go get it. Go get it. Let's see that wrist action, daddy.

I've seen him use his, not a sword, but something that. Similar motion. Let me hit you guys with a little story I got that I found. Can I hit you with that? Oh, yes, daddy. All right. So I tried to give you the intro on this one. I'm going to pull it up real quick.

There's a guy in Utah last year. He set 52 Guinness Book of World Records in the year, which sounds pretty sick. In one year? That's one a week. That sounds pretty sick, in the year, which sounds pretty sick. In one year? That's one a week. That sounds pretty sick, right? Yeah, that sounds fucking insane. Until you see the list of shit that he did,

which shows you that basically he was just like a really good clown at one point in his life. 90% of them are juggling, unicycle, balancing shit on your chin. But there are a few on here. So he belongs in like a traveling circus. He belongs in get a life because this shit is stuff anyone can do. We got one of my favorite ones on here. One of my favorite ones on here is fastest time to rap someone in plastic rap, team of two. Wait, what?

Who the fuck would even think of that? Say that again. Did you not, when you think of Guinness Book of World Records shit, do you not think of it as cool stuff? I thought it was prestigious. Yeah, this is, you can do, you can make up anything, and if someone comes in and times you and makes sure you did it legit, it's a fucking thing.

He has fastest time to burst ten balloons, team of six. With six people? Ten balloons. Some person doesn't have to do by hand with some people you just got to burst them you just got to burst them well you bring a needle only two of those people only have to pop one balloon some of them don't have to pop a single one because I could do the what's the fucking timer like three one second guy with a stopwatch you have to have this guy come in it's not less than one fucking second that's the least impressive? Like three, one second? Some guy with a stopwatch. You have to have the Guinness guy come in. If it's not less than one fucking second, that's the least impressive thing on fucking earth.

Well, you just jump on it. Wait, you're telling me someone from Guinness Book of World Records came out to witness this guy say, hey, me and six of my friends, we're going to pop 10 balloons. Watch this shit. Exactly my point. Could you imagine having to drive any fucker where? Because this man lives in Utah. I don't imagine there's a Guinness headquarters nearby.

No, not in Utah. And that's the bottom of the barrel job. We've got balloon poppers. Get out. Yeah, they send the fucking interns for that. How is that even? When does the time start? You just jump and then stomp on a balloon. When does the time start? When you jump off the ground? Because it's instantaneous it would take team of six you have two feet you yes oh true there's three i could probably beat that by myself if i set it up right sit on half of them just squeeze the other four like yo are you busy today they're like no like how much how much prep had to go into that for the other five?

And they show up and they have no clue what's going on. And they're like, okay, give us one second. No, literally one second. And it's over. How do you convince five other people to pop a balloon with you? This is one of my favorite other ones on here. Fastest time to flip three water bottles. In what way?

Like the fucking water bottle? It's not the cool way. Flip them. Is this guy's address on there? Because I'd like to pay him a visit in Utah. Is there a video for this? He has a video of some of them. One of the videos on here is him running blindfolded.

What about fastest? He has fastest 100-meter blindfolded. What about fastest? And if you saw this guy, this is the guy. This is the guy. Do you think you could beat him? Who doesn't put a blindfold on fucking anyone that can run? Let's see if we can find his address.

I want to talk to this guy. So I wanted to follow this up with- I want to get him on the show. How many Guinness Book of World Records do you think we could get if we did this bullshit? Based on these metrics, a thousand. Wait, no. So now we're in the running though. By tomorrow.

That's like- If we hit them up and say- You're faster than this guy probably yeah put a blindfold on let's go to the fucking field and no let's put a blindfold on them and take them out to the fucking middle of the ocean there's no turn that's straight that's straight that's straight i'm deaf too fuck it but do i even want to have a guinness book award record if this is the bullshit dude if i could be on the guinness book of world records one of them one of them is no longer seems worth my time one of them is most basketballs around your leg just

going around your leg with the ball in 60 seconds oh he might have gotten apeshit on that one i bet he went fucking crazy i can see him going absolutely he snapped on that one yeah he went 18 dummy for the fucking balls a couple got a couple other for you. Fastest time to place 24 cans in the fridge. See, when does the time start? Do you frame that one? Like when you get that one,

you got that world record? Do you put that one up on the wall? This guy's whole fucking walls are all of them. I put 30 cans in a fridge in one second 5,000 times.

It's called a 30 rack sponsored by Coors Light, bitch. Dude, sample the bitch. Wait, wait, wait, wait. Wait, wait, wait. Is there more deets on that? Like, that doesn't make sense.

When does the time start? When you open the fridge? Oh, no, open the fridge for that one, yes. Oh, so it was can by can? Open the fridge. It was 9.7 seconds. I hope this man is homeless. But, I mean, like, you give me an hour and i probably what if he's built

different dude i don't think he is i saw him this guy's not do we have any videos of this fucking there's some videos because i watch them all be like super kick-ass i bet they're honestly fired this is one that i thought was actually kind of fire fastest time to type the alphabet backwards on an ipad what do you think the time was? This one's technically still under review. Five seconds? Two seconds. No way. Okay, this guy's built way different than you're ever thinking. We got the wrong idea about this.

On an iPad, you can do the drag, right? You can. In two fucker seconds? There's no way to count it if you do the drag thing. That one's still under review, so he might have pulled some bullshit. He's built different, bro. What was his 100 meter dash time? How about this one? This is not one that he has. This is just another one that

I think we could beat. We could beat all these. Are you fucking kidding me? Most leapfrog jumps by a team in 30 seconds. They only got 32. Oh, I get 90. In 30 seconds? 32. We get 90. Oh, I'll leap the fuck out of it. Yeah, I'll frog the shit out of you, boy. Wait, so what's the process for challenging this motherfucker?

Wait, so you can just convince a representative to come out for literally anything. So I think that's the only... What if we just go like, oh, you know, quickest... Weakest podcast in an hour? Yeah, worst podcast of all time. Quickest, like... Quickest fucking fumbled podcast? The fastest I spilled a fucking beer on the floor.

That's what I'm saying. What is the criterion for making up my own? Like, those are clearly all... Does he also fucking work at Guinness? Like, who did he beat out for those? Like, who ever tried that? No, I'm saying half of these, he just came up with it, right?

That's what I'm saying. So we could do anything. Because think about how specific the balloon was. Ten balloons, team of six. Six people? Like, there was probably someone who's fastest popped ten balloons. One person, he's like, oh, I can't beat that. That's what I'm saying. So we could do anything. Because think about how specific the balloon was. Ten balloons, team of six. Six people? Like there was probably someone who's fastest popped ten balloons

one person. He's like, oh, I can't beat that. But if I get five of my buddies. Dude, I think Guinness makes them though. Guinness makes them?

I did look up the process for doing a Guinness Book of World Records. So you have to send them like a pretty good video of you doing it. Like proving that you can do it. And then they kind of

take it under. Imagine that submission. That's what I'm saying. Six 40-year-old dudes jumping on balloons, and then that's the end of it. And they're like, yeah, get him out there. The video's four seconds long. Get him out there.

And a guy comes with a stopwatch. He's like, yep, no one did that, so good job. He's one of the hottest fucking five girls ever. He just has them there to watch his office. And they're just standing there watching. Fucking hell. So there's literally... I don't think I respect

Guinness World Records anymore. There's no respect involved. Absolutely, the prestigiousness of it is gone. But I do, how many do you think we could get this year? If we wanted to start doing these.

How many records? We could get infinity apparently. So we just got to send in a video. We could be doing eight a day. Yeah, so you have to like practice it obviously, then do it, and then make sure that

it's either something that you beat the record of, or if it doesn't exist, then I guess you just free win. Like, I think if we were just creative enough, no one else has done it.

Like, how is it a record if no one's ever even tried it? No, we're doing this. Well, I guess the only thing you have to worry about is someone seeing that and being like, oh, I can fuck it.

Well, you know what we should do? We should just go down the sky's the list. Every single one of these and beat them all. Do you just fuck this guy? The only ones we can't beat are the juggling ones. He has, like, oh, I can fuck it. Well, you know what we should do? Is just... We should just go down this guy's list. Every single one of these and beat them all. The only ones we can't... Do you just fuck this guy? The only ones we can't beat are the juggling ones.

He has, like, longest juggling blindfolded is, like, 35 minutes. You've never seen me fucking juggle, clearly. 35 fucking... 35 minutes straight blindfolded juggling? Dude, and I hope he was the first guy, too. He's just flexing. That's a bit of a clown.

He didn't even have to beat anyone. He was just like, I'm just going to flex for 35. I'm just going to flex on these motherfuckers for 35 straight goddamn minutes. How long do you think it would take me to wrap you in plastic wrap? I get that spool. Me? Yeah. We have to find the smallest person.

We just have to find the smallest person we can find. You're looking at him. How long do you think it would take you? Was it a midget? See? That's what I'm saying. He's not trying to cheat the system like we would. Yeah, we're trying to cheat.

So yeah, he's not built. He's built the same. He's probably like a really sweet, genuine guy. Retired. Had nothing else to do with his time. This is what I'd like to do with you. Retired? He's fucking busting out records, bro.

This guy's a machine. Are you making money off of this? This is what i absolutely most consecutive passes of a giant inflatable ball just thrown into each other what is he at five thousand i don't this one does not have the number but i feel like i would like to try that and what does giant inflatable ball mean how big dude i hope it's the size of a house or something how do you define giant? That's what I'm saying. It could be relatively any size ball.

He looks so damn happy with his certificate, though. I got to give it to him. I mean, good for him. I hate him. I wish him the worst. I hope that the rest of his life is a huge letdown after this year of just ransacking the Guinness Book of World Records. He doesn't deserve any attention.

There's something about it that makes me want to hate him a little bit. I do. I'd like to tie bricks to his feet and put him in the fucking ocean. He'd probably have the fastest hit the fucking ground. The fastest person to hit the bottom of the fucking ocean. This guy's a purebred legend. Oh, this is a good one. Most bars of soap stacked in one minute.

Team of two. Like, who even that's what I'm saying you get to make this shit up and if I could make shit up I'm gonna do

yeah like tallest Coors Light fucking beer tower I mean but that's even like someone could like someone would

have thought of that you know what I mean these are so off the cuff that they don't make any fucking sense at all is there anything

that you could think of off tops that you think you could do though like right now without any prep you're like oh I've got oh, I've got this skill, and I think I would be the best at it.

I would have the Guinness Book of World Records. Personally? No, I'm not very good at a lot of things. Almost nothing, really. No, I was going to say close to zero, and probably zero. Yeah, I'm not sure that there's anything that I would be able to nail. Nothing pops in your head.

Morg, anything off the top of your head right now that you think you could instantly get a Guinness Book of World Records for? Grab your mic there, brother. Oh, shit. Let me get back. Let me get back. Me? Yeah, you dumbass.

Biggest fucking brain ever? That, definitely. Biggest brain with the least fucking neurons yeah um the least amount of neurons ever discovered in a human fucking brain um off tops not really no i don't nothing, I don't think I really have anything either. Let's talk about, because I just, it won't, it's not going to leave my brain. Jackson Mahomes. What's the fucking deal? Is that the brother? Is he still busting on the talk? He's talking it up. He's talking?

Before we hate on him, can I see, like, what's his follower rate? Like, what has he got? Like, how popular is this guy? I mean, he's killing it. Because if he could sponsor the pod, I'm not going to hate on him too hard. I don't think that anyone... Yeah, let's not diss out any sponsors. Yeah, you know what? I don't think anyone...

This episode is brought to you by Jackson Mahomes. Yeah. Follow him at Jackson Mahomes on TikTok, Instagram, and Twitter if you'd like to see potentially the worst content. Do we have a recent news or he's just been absolutely doing the same shit? I mean, he's just purely himself.

It's gotta be weird to be one of those people that you know everyone follows you to make fun of you. He doesn't know that. If you have 3-4 million followers or whatever and like 99% of them are following you because they think it's hilarious and they're laughing at you,

but you think you're the shit and you're getting brand deals. I think the issue for him is he's not trying to be funny. Or he's not, he thinks his, like if you're making stuff that is self-deprecating. No, yeah, that's different. But he's not doing that. No, he thinks he's mad cute.

I mean, he's low-key cute, but it's embarrassing, and I feel bad for Patrick because, you know, now I don't like him, who's a great athlete, and it's because of his toxic little brother, and his wife's miserable as well. She's awful. Yeah, I don't enjoy her very much. Yeah, they both suck.

The game's in OT right now. The game's in overtime right now? Yeah. The Bengals came back? They came back. Holy shit, Joe Burrows. Really? Burrows built death.

24-24. Wow. Wow. When we started this episode, I think it was 21-3. Let's go, Joe B's. Let's go, dude. Joe Burrows is the next Tom Brady.

Is it rookie Cs? I'm telling you. Second Cs. Second Cs? Dude, he's goaded. Garrett, take us to the fucking Facebook marketplace, please. Okay, so a little backstory. I stumbled across.

I accidentally click on Facebook once in a while when I've been on Instagram, and it's like, oh, you're all caught up. And I see it like four more times. And I'm like, okay, I need it. I need it just to really close out the little red notification. Yeah. Like I had to divert my attention.

I'm like, Oh, there's 19 Facebook notifications. It's like my aunt's birthday. I'm like, Oh, congratulations. Uh,

didn't text her. And then you like click on, I accidentally clicked on the marketplace and it's a fucking, it's the wild, wild West. There's people selling, we're going to put this in the marketplace, and it's the wild, wild west. There's people selling. We're going to put this in the post, the picture. There's someone selling a slice of Costco pizza on a paper plate for $39 plus shipping.

$39? Fucker dollars? Now the question is, is Facebook Marketplace like eBay where you can bid, or is it just first to buy it? I think you can do either. You can do either? Yeah. You can set it up to bid, or there's got to be like the buying price.

I'm down to put a bid on that. Should we buy the piece of pizza? If we get that piece of pizza here, I mean, that's the best $40 I've ever spent. I think we should probably buy it. Okay, we're going to put a bid for the pizza. We're going to buy the piece of pizza. I would love to get in a bidding war with someone.

Over the piece of pizza, yeah. That guy would win, though. Yeah, he would beat us for sure. Yeah. Fastest to ever buy a piece of pizza on Facebook marketplace. No, and then there was another one for like $50, a California shaped tortilla chip. Like people are literally...

You could just make that. Yeah, you could break it off yourself. People are putting their time and energy into selling. Are they getting sold though? I don't know. I didn't follow up. We need to follow up on that one for next week. We're definitely going to follow up.

We'll have an update. If it's still there, I'm buying it. We're buying both of them. If it's still there next week. Wait, can we go to the account of that person? Because that's not the first thing you post. Well, I think that's not your first sale. This person needs to be probably the host of this show.

They're my new best friend. Well, he's just an idea man, honestly. Watch it be the guy from Utah. He's just setting dummy records. That's how he's funding his records. Does he have the most world records of anyone? Is that what the story was about? It was just that he did them all in one year.

He did 52 in one year. One a week. You could have done those all in one fucker day. Yeah. But you got to see his friends were busy for some of them they couldn't make it the same day for the first 51 weeks of the year all his friends are fucking busy holy fucking shit oh fucking dave oh he's got nothing though you said the most any person has yeah uh this guy ashrita firman has 600 over 600 yeah 600 guinness but there's that many

fucking records i just told you that you can have fucking stacking soap team is team of stacking soap oh yeah you missed that one most bars of soap stacked in two minutes no it was by two people you can just go as long as you need bar Bar soap? What's stopping someone from just saying most bars of soap stacked in three minutes? Can we try and get a Guinness regulator on here and ask them? We should.

But if it's an OG bar of soap, that's kind of tough. Does it say wet or dry soap? Dude, if they're stacking wet soap, these guys are built deaf. It's a brick shape. It's a brick shape. Just imagine. If it's wet, it's impossible.

No, if it's an OG bar of soap. You know how they have the fucking crescent? If it's crescent soap, then the guy's built different. I love that you said crescent. Anyways. Okay, I got one you said crescent. Anyways. Okay, I got one more thing for us. Pablo Escobar and his cocaine hippos is the topic today.

Cocaine hippopotamuses? Yeah, cocaine hippos. Okay, I'm intrigued. He had a private zoo, and when he was killed, most of the animals were sent to their respective places, except for four hippos that authorities were just kind of going to leave there and hope they died. Wait, it's...

These are real hippos. It says that... What the fuck was I just going to say? That the authorities just left them there and thought they were going to die? They were only the hippos? They said they assumed they were going to die. I guess it probably is a little harder

to, like, wrangle up hippos than it is, like, flamingos and zebras and shit. I like that you went flamingos first. They probably tried to wrangle them up and they were super aggressive. Well, they're cocaine hippos. Yeah, they're gas. Their hippopotamus is on cocaine.

Why are they called cocaine hippos? Because they do blow. Yeah, I think that that was his cocaine buddy, one of them. Yeah, one of them, Arthur. They just kind of ripped together. Him and Pablo did blow. But the issue now is that they didn't die

because they're stronger than an ox. Yeah, yes. As strong as a hippo. And there's now about 100 of them. There's about 100. There's 100 hippopotamuses in the middle of Columbia. Wait, can animals just fucking inbreed? What do you mean?

Yeah, what? Yes. And they're just chilling? Yeah, yeah, yeah. But yeah, yeah. But yeah, so we got about 100 hippos rolling around in Columbia, and they don't know what the fuck to do. Is it like out of control?

Are they killing humans? Wait, did they get in? Are they still on the property? They got out of the property. Yeah, no, they're just roaming around now. They're roaming free. They're kind of in the same area, but they're not like living in a house. They didn't hop on a fucking bus or something.

They're not in the mansion or anything like that. What does a hippo eat in that situation? I thought they had to eat like... What the fuck does a hippo eat? They just live. I mean, Columbia's got plenty of like... Cocaine. They eat cocaine.

Yeah, they're cocaine hippos, so... Okay, they got plenty of cocaine. No, but actually, what does a hippo eat? It's like fruit and grass and shit. How the fuck would a hippo get fruit? They just... What do you mean? It falls on the ground and you eat it.

They live in the wilderness. They don't go to Ralph's. I just had the thought of a fucking hippo trying to reach up a fucking tree to grab an apple. I was hoping you were thinking like you were picturing a hippo walking into Ralph's and being like, I just got a bundle of apples. No, we're not that slow today. Yeah, okay. Just making sure we're on the same page.

And how does the story end? We're still in the middle of a debate we've got conservationists and then we've got uh other people saying like conservationists want to control the population because they're obviously worried about people in the environment and you've got other people that are saying let them chill let her just have a vibe where are hippos like naturally from like africa i think yeah they got a few spots like they're they're kind of around you know yeah i mean i've never seen one so probably not us yeah i think they live in like africa look it up um where are penguins birds hippos from no like our hippos birds naturally because like i i didn't realize that like tigers are native to asia i always Are hippos from? Are hippos birds? Naturally.

Because I didn't realize that tigers are native to Asia. I always pictured them as a fucking African cat. There's lions in Africa. I know, but I thought tigers and lions kind of vibed out. Wait, lions and tigers? Not from the same place. See, exactly, right? Wouldn't you think? It's kind of brazy.

No, tigers are from Asia, and lions are from Africa. That's facts. Hippos are from Sub-Saharan Africa. Yeah. Africa's poppin'. Pretty exclusively. They got all the fucking badass animals. That guy was low-key ballin' to be able to just get four hippos, though.

I mean, we obviously know he's ballin', but... He's like the richest man ever. What wins a tiger or a fucking lion? It's pretty fucking fair. it's a pretty fair fucking fight i'm gonna go tiger i'm sure someone's because lions are pretty lazy i'm sure someone's done it i bet there might be a youtube video of a lion there could be not anything i want to click on yeah probably not but that's i think that'd be probably the the fairest fight you could you could do uh we got tigers pretty much for sure in that one i mean i had tigers really yeah lions are lazy

bro those fools don't even move and the badass ones are the females the males males don't do shit yeah the only advantage the lion would possibly have is if, because they live in groups and tigers are solitary. Well, what makes a tiger better? It's bigger, stronger, faster. Are they bigger? They seem relatively the same size. Let's see. Let me give it to you.

Tigers are the largest felines in the world. We're talking up to 650 pounds. Lions get up to like 450. Oh, so they're getting smoked. Yeah, yeah. Okay, good to know. Okay. Okay.

Learned something. Boys, Mommy Monday candidates. Mommy Mondays. Who do we got? You want to start with yours? Yeah, I'll start with yours. I want to start with yours. For this week's Mommy Monday, I got Dee Dee Pickles, okay?

No, I'm not going to lie. When you said Dee Dee Pickles, I did not know who that was. A lot of people don't. She slept on them, which I got to pick a good mommy on Mommy Monday. She's a cartoon mom from Rugrats, but we're not talking about the real Dee Dee Pickles. We're talking about this woman. No, we're talking about the real Dee Dee Pickles. What was that picture you showed me?

That's what came up. He showed us a picture of this woman cosplaying as Dee Dee Pickles, and she was sick. She absolutely killed it. Oh, she murdered it. Can I ask you, what does it for you with Miss Dee Dee Pickles?

Dude, honestly, she looks like she might take care of me. Oh, so you're thinking like an actual mom. No, no, no. I mean, she's bad like actual motherly figure Monday and she wears very loose clothing so you wouldn't be able to see if she's got some problem out the back

so like it leaves a lot to be imagined or you know thought about and I guarantee she's going her mouth is also low key 75% of her face which yeah I mean it adds up because part of me is 75% of her face so which yeah I mean it adds up because part of me is 75%

of most of my body too I'm not going to state the obvious do not type in DD Pickles mommy on here unless you want to have a great time I also feel like she'd go with our new favorite girls quote at the end

she would make you a snack right after. Do you have a towel so I can fucking make you a snack? She would make the hell out of you. Yeah, I could go for it. Mine is a little different. I went with the classic. Yeah, I was thinking this segment was going to be different because I think Jay has the right idea.

I'm excited to hear what he's going to say. I'm just going to go with my favorite. I didn't have to think about it. You said it, and I thought, and the first thing that popped into my head, we're going AT&T girl. AT&T girl?

Or is it T-Mobile? No, it's not T-Mobile. AKA Mommy Milkers. AKA Chess Cannons. AKA this week's Mommy. It's AT&T girl? Mommy? Mommy?

Her first name is Mom. Lily adams lily adams aka mommy she has my vote for this week's mommy monday yeah no what so i'm not debating that one i went she did an instagram live and i was on there and fucking all the people are just saying mommy milkers over and over oh my god and she goes something like, I cannot believe, like you guys are just so disrespectful. She was wearing something low-key bustin' too. I was like, you can't believe it? Oh yeah.

What do you mean? Yeah. You're shocked. What did you think people on fucking Instagram Live were fucking, what are they gonna say? Are we gonna crown her? Do we have a crown? What do we,

do they get some sort of award for this? She gets a baby bottle. A baby bottle? Yeah, full of milk. The golden baby bottle? The golden baby bottle. The mommy milker's baby bottle. This week's mommy is Lily Adams.

Lily Adams. And I'm proud to say that. I'm with that. Proud that we came to that consensus. Boys, I think that might be episode one. Yeah? We good there? Thank you all so much for tuning in.

I hope you enjoy the show. Absolutely fucking tickle the shit out of that like button. Yeah, go ahead and wherever you listen to podcasts, shoot us a little follow, like, subscribe, whatever. We're going to be posting this on YouTube if you guys want to watch the video. See our dumbass, cute-ass faces. I said that when I looked in your eyes. I glanced at Morgan and I just couldn't help

but say that but yeah we appreciate it episode one in the books no FOMO we're only gonna get better from here you know this was just kind of a little test run

but we're here don't say it I wasn't gonna say anything cool that's a wrap. Love y'all, FOMOsexuals. We'll catch y'all next Monday.