NO FOMO - 16. Losing Our Virginity with Carter Cruise

Episode Date: June 15, 2022

Welcome Back Fomo Sapiens. This week we sit down with Carter Cruise and breakdown the Mommy dynamic, drink some pool water, and blow a cumulative .80 BAC. Let's Evolve Together, NO FOMO. If you have fat hairy balls or know someone with fat hairy balls: Get 20% OFF @manscaped + Free Shipping with promo code NOFOMO at MANSCAPED.com! #ad #manscapedpod Carter's Socials + Links: linktr.ee/cartercruise No Fomo Socials + Links: linktr.ee/nofomo/

All right, welcome back to episode 16. We have a very special guest with us today. It is Mommy Cruz, I mean, Carter Mommy. Carter Cruz is here with us today. There is a middle name in there, and I think it starts with an M, and it's going to be me. Mommy, Mommy Cruz. Carter, Mommy Cruz.

It's one of those. And M is short for mother. It's actually Carter Motherfucking Cruz. Oh, there we go. Motherfucking. See, we got it confused.'s actually Carter motherfucking Cruz see we got it confused shortening for motherfucking is mommy I'll take mommy the first girl we've had on though damn that is some

sexist ass bullshit we've had some requests to have a female on the show because of some of the topics we've covered so we're're excited to have a first female. We need your opinion on a lot of things. Oh, I got you. Whatever you want to know. We need your help on a lot of shit.

Clearly. Clearly. Because I'm the first. And it'll be practice. First of all, how to get girls on the show. Me, I got you. I got all the hookups and all the girls. All the ladies.

So what's popping, Carter? What you been up to? Well, I've been having two weeks of health and relaxation. Yeah, you got some time off. Right, which I don't know how much has been fully health, but it hasn't been jet lag and been drinking every night. So we've been doing good. You've been able to space it out a little better.

After May, we had EDC. You know, we had just traveling all the time. And I'm about to go on tour. Yeah. Tell us about that. We want to plug that. Oh. Well, I don't even know what the fuck I'm doing.

I'm going to be real and honest. I got booked as the DJ for a comedy tour. Yeah. Bert Kreischer's. Comedy festival. Bert Kreischer's. But I have asked in like probably like four different emails like hey can someone give me like an idea of like how long I'll be playing like

who like what you want me to play like you know just like what's the vibe I have no idea I've never I've never toured with a comedian yeah and Yeah. And no one has told me anything. So basically just like a what the fuck is going on email. Right. I did get added to the group chat recently and I had everyone send me their requests. I don't have anyone's numbers

so I don't know who anyone is except for Bert. And I just got a bunch of requests and let me tell you they're like the least DJ songs you'd ever, like artists you'd ever think of. And I said,

thank God because tomorrow I'm just downloading all this stuff. But I really, yeah, I have tomorrow I'm just downloading all this stuff. But I really, yeah, I have no idea. It'll be kind of played by your type of thing. Quite literally. Go with the flow. That's really exciting that you're doing it for Bert Kreischer.

Have you had like any correspondence with him? Because I feel like for me, as much as I kind of like his comedy, I like him more as like a person. He's like so much just, like he seems like he would be such a cool hang. Oh, I met him for the first time the other day and he's exactly what you would imagine yeah i can't see that facade at all like he's really that guy no he's a hundred percent like well we got to the

bus i was kind of fucked up because the bus wasn't there yet so we went to my friend's birthday party before i got way too drunk classic get to the bus but it's nighttime i'm thinking with my manager i'm like oh we're just gonna put my shit in the bus and then go you know no i'm not gonna see anybody as soon as he opens the door i just hear birds like who's that i'm right there oh god oh god i get on the bus and so he's eating like a full sushi dinner on the bus outside of his house with a keg next to him but his fucking but his kids were there his two daughters in the bus outside of his own house yeah yeah yes yes no i'll take it in the bus i'm not eating in the home you gotta get it you gotta get it i did ask why i honestly don't

really remember they did give a pretty good explanation it was like someone was at the house and they weren't trying to bother them. I don't know. There was a good explanation, but I was fucked up. So I was like, oh, fuck. I got it. Like, it's my first impression. I don't want to meet someone for the first time, like fucked up. And then he's like, oh, here are my daughters.

And I'm like, oh, like, oh, no. Anyone under 22 gives me instant anxiety. Absolutely blacked out. You should see me meeting a fucking kid or something. It's just not good. Yeah. You know, you know, there know our friends doesn't do great with children let's just say that yeah well you know what was a cool thing that i saw the barstool interview with him and he was talking about how uh van wilder was based on his life right right i don't know how yeah you didn't know that so he sold the rights to his life life story his whole last time and they made the movie and

they were trying to get him as the guy and holly was like no we're not we're not doing that like we'll go with the hot dude ryan reynolds the whole bus though is every all the comedians faces plus mine photoshopped on it's the whole bus it's just a red bus with like everyone like at a barbecue and like bird's body with like our faces that is his shirt off who did that photoshop job was that your idea no no that was i was just told to me like they were like oh we're putting you on the bus i was like okay cool i got the flyer and i was like i bet this is what the bus looks like yeah that's a good that's a good photoshop job better than I think I could do yeah no no I've seen it yeah I've seen it so are you

doing all the stops on that yes all of them and that's what a couple month run no it's only two weeks two weeks so you guys are just back because there's like 10 fucking shows he has a bunch of like different tours this is like one specific one kind of like there's a bunch of different comedians on it some people are just week in one or week in two and then there's some people that are only one or two nights I assume like based off their tour schedule so it's a bunch of different people which would be good for me because after eight shows I was like oh god like am I gonna be like you've heard the same jokes oh yeah comedy is weird with like that where it's like it's one of those things that it just never hits the same the second time you hear the joke right well I mean even like or like if you really liked it you're like when you show it to someone

yeah but like four nights in a row you'd be like i mean even djs yeah like i did a bus tour with adventure club years ago and like the last night i was just not even at their set i'm running around and they were like carter like we're really offended like like you didn't like watch any of our set i'm like bro like i've been seeing you guys like for like five years I've seen the adventure I can only see crave you so many actually I could actually probably see crave you like every day yeah I said the wrong song every day of my life oh I love their sets I'm a you know, after, like, we've been on the road a couple days, I'm like,

well, I'm just gonna run around and be in the green room. Yeah, chilling. So, yeah, I was wondering, is it the same with comedians? Like, will they be, like, upset if I, like,

don't watch the whole set every night? Like, what if it's, like, night eight? You're just like... You gotta at least stay for Burt taking his shirt off, at least.

Oh. Doesn't he start the whole thing with his shirt off? He always walks out with the shirt on and then his opener is take it off. It's the big reveal. People get absolutely hyped. He said he wants everyone in the audience

to have their shirts off for this tour. On the podcast, I heard him say that. I think I would be in on that. But I was like, well, what about the girls? A lot of them are in the South and stuff. Is it cool to... In the South it is, for sure. I think to a lot of them are in the South and stuff. Like, is it cool to, you know? In the South it is, for sure. I think topless women is a thing in the South, for sure. Really?

I don't think so. Where are you guys from again? I'm from San Diego. They're both from the Bay. Oh, okay. So, yeah, a little West Coast, maybe. Yeah, we've been friends. No, it's not a thing in the South.

I've never been, so I actually don't know anything that I'm talking about. You've never been to the South? I've been to Florida. I've never been to, like, the proper South, like Alabama or something like that. Yeah, Florida's not. Florida's a different kind of deal. I've been to Miami. I've never been to like.

Florida's a different breed. It's not really the South. That's like LA in the South. It's literally like LA, like right on the beach. Right. Florida, yeah. You guys got to go to Charleston. Yeah, you're from North Carolina, right?

Yeah, that's in South Carolina. But there's a club there. That's how much's a club there. Remind me after this podcast, I'll like link you with this with the, yeah, there's this club. Well, there's a club in Charleston. I feel like you guys like should play there. It'd be like, it's so fun. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Wait. So it's not your first tour then, but what's your craziest tour story or show story? Oh, God. This is what's going to get cut. All right.

The best part is it's definitely not. It's cute that you think we'll cut it, though. I'm trying. Well, let me just think about how to say this without putting anyone on the spot. Yeah. Well, I was on a bus tour. Oh, God. I'm trying to cliff note it um but so the last night uh we crowd surfed into the crowd and during the headliner set and so I was like the super opener like no one cared about me I played when people are getting there but I

had the greatest time um because at the time I was playing really heavy bass music and so it was the first time I didn't have to play super heavy and even though that's why I got into DJing it kind of like expanded my horizons uh so you know now I can kind of do everything and I'm all over the place and now when people ask me to play super heavy I'm like it's been so long you know but at the time that's all I was doing so I was like kind of doing the jams, you know, still bass music. And we all jump into the crowd and it was all guys on the tour. So they all got let down like really early in the crowd because they're way heavier than me. And I just get carried all the way to the back of the venue, right?

I'm just, the crowd ends and they set me down. They're like, hey. And I'm like, hi. And actually, you know who let me down back there? I don't know if you guys are familiar with him, but Reckno? Yeah. So back then, he was just. Did you send me the Four Loko care package?

Yes, yes, yes. Which we are currently drinking. Which we are currently consuming. But you should check out his music. He's fire. But yeah, he let me down in the back of this venue. And at the time, he was just like a little raver kid making some mixes on SoundCloud. Like now he's had collabs with all these like dope people.

But that's how we met. And so I'm talking with him. They buy me a shot. I run back. And that's the last thing I remember. I remember running from the back of the venue to the back to the green room. I'm like, that's it. Next day, I wake up in a bunk.

I'm like, what? What the fuck happened? I have a T-shirt on, like no pants. I'm just. Yes. The amount of times I've woken up in a T-shirt and no pants. My house. Sounds like a regular Wednesday for me In the bed with one of my friends

In the bed with my fucking best male friend Yeah I wake up next to Morgan G With no pants and a t-shirt What happened last night Morgan? Is this my shirt or your shirt? Isn't it funny too How guys feel so weird about sleeping in beds with each other i mean obviously not when you're fucked up oh no we don't you don't okay good like that's progressive

i love that we do it sober okay good like you should because i always think it's so funny because girls will just like you know oh you want to come to my house yeah you can sleep in the bed with me guys are like okay so i have a king-size bed but it'd make me feel better if you slept on the couch one of my one of my favorites of that is there's a comedian who does a joke about that, and he's talking around, and he's like, I got a hotel room. It was supposed to be two beds.

It ended up only being one, and I'm in there with my friend, and he's like, okay, here's what we need to do. We need to put a pillow. Was this Mark Norman? I think it's Andrew Schultz who does it. And he's like, what we'll do, we'll put the pillows in between us,

and we'll make a wall between us. He's like like you know what you could just do is not fuck me he's like do you need some sort of barrier to not fuck me he's like are you gonna fuck me no like unless there's a wall there like we're in a cage i kind of get it because like you guys get like morning wood and stuff right so especially when we all sleep together yeah right i mean not that like it's like it could have nothing to do with that. You're having like this hot dream and then you wake up and you realize you're like full on spooning your bro and your dick's hard right on his ass.

Like I get like, you have to worry about that. Like, well, the thing is though, the dream was about my boy. It's not weird. Worst part is just now he knows.

What were you dreaming about brother it wasn't for me saying his name in my sleep it's a shared dream he incepted the fuck out of the fucking it's a shared dream you did this to me this wasn't this isn't on me i don't know what you're up to yeah you're just you're like you got the boner first i know it yeah all right so we oh when i'm running back to the t-shirt well yeah and then yeah when i wake up and you know so everyone's still asleep on the bus and i don't have my phone so obviously it's dark as fuck i don't know you guys been on a bus tour like bunk row is yeah it's so cold and so dark i have no pants on i'm i don't want phone. It's just pitch black in there. Everyone's

passed out, dead silent in there. It's like, I got to get the fuck out of here. Roll out. I'm like, oh, go find my phone. So we usually hung out in like the back room of the tour bus. And so I go through that door first. I opened the door and this had been a hangout spot for the whole tour. Like there wasn't really anything in it. But when I open it, there's like suitcases everywhere. Everyone's shit is in this room. I've no idea why. Suitcase full of shit. And it just smells like fucking,

there's like broken glass from like some shit on the window, like on the, I'm like, this is not good. And it smells like fucking piss in there. Piss and shit story. And so I'm like, my phone must be in here. Cause this is not good. And it smells like fucking piss in there. Piss and shit story. And so I'm like,

my phone must be in here. Cause this is really, so I'm like looking around, but there's so much stuff everywhere. It's really hard to like find. I looked down on the ground. I'm like, dude,

why does it smell like piss? I looked down and there's like a bunch of hair on the ground. I'm like, what the fuck is this? Pull it up. It's some girls like, or like, her weave, her fucking extensions, is just on the ground with everyone's shit just soaked in piss. And I'm like, I'm not even going to hazard a guess of what happened here.

I'm like, I pick it up. I'm like, oh, my God. Put it away. Honestly, balls on you for picking it up at all. Well, I was just curious. You know what I mean? Hold on. What is it?

That's piss. That's a weed. If it looks like piss weed, that's for sure piss. I was like, damn, we need to be more hydrated on this tour because that makes it smell. That smells toxic.

That's good stuff. So I go sit in the front of the bus for a while, while I wait for everyone to wake up. I still can't find my phone. No idea where it is. I'm just like, what the fuck? I'm just sitting in the front of the bus. Everyone starts to wake up.

They're like, okay, we get into, like, I think we're in Kansas City. Like, oh, let's go get barbecue, which, by the way, best barbecue I've ever had. Really? You're putting Kansas City at the top? Kansas City. I feel like that's not a...

No, it's not a pocket statement. I think they do like the mustard based sauce. Yeah. It's a little more like sour. Yeah. And I love all barbecue. Don't get me wrong. But it is like, it's my favorite.

It's something you don't get as often. So I think it's more special. Go there, get some barbecue. And so everyone's telling me like, you know, we're trying to piece together the night. And so everyone's telling me, like, you know, we're trying to piece together the night. And we find out that basically one of the guys had brought back a girl from the tour, from the show the night before. She was a groupie, and he'd brought her on the bus. And that's how things had gotten crazy.

So some people remembered more than me, but, like, no one fully remembered. So we're trying to piece it together. It's a 10,000-piece puzzle. Yeah. And you only have six of them yeah i'm like wait is that girl still on the bus because that guy who brought a brock he wasn't getting barbecue with us he was still passed out so i'm like wait is that girl still on the bus and like yeah i mean we literally drove her from like it was like a 13 hour drive that this girl like and so her this is imagine waking up in a different state so her best friend this is like some real friendship i told all my friends i will never

do this for you so don't even think about it don't even give me fucking she like really wanted to hook up with this guy so her friend drove behind the tour bus for 13 hours to make sure like she could get her after we like parked because obviously he would fly her home oh my question god was was this friend a guy friend oh no it was a girl i think i mean i i never personally it's her boyfriend well because if it was a guy he's the most down baddest I've heard in a while. Yeah, I know. That's down bad of the week. Yeah.

Yeah, I know. It was a girl. Yeah, it was a girl. As far as I know. I mean, I didn't. I mean, I guess I saw the one girl, but like I was blacked out. So I don't remember. We're going to operate.

I have no memory. It was a girl because that guy would be. Oh, my God. All I know is that there was a brunette girl because that's what color her extensions that were soaked in piss were. The piss ones. Yeah. So we like. The piss smelled like brunette. So I know is that there was a brunette girl because that's what color her extensions that were soaked in piss were. The piss ones. Yeah. The piss smelled like brunette.

We get back to the bus and I'm like, oh my God, is she still there? Because then I feel bad because I'm the only girl on this bus. So I'm thinking like, oh, I should like make her feel comfortable. You know, like I'd feel so weird if that was me. Yeah. And so I'm like, oh, I got to like make sure this girl's good. Like, oh, these are all nice guys. Like nothing bad.

You know, everyone's going to fly her back. Everything's good. But I just, I'm'm like I need to make her feel comfortable like hey there's another girl here yeah there's a woman here like I got you like what do you need so I get back to the bus and we're like we look everywhere like where the like she's not here and as I'm walking through bunk alley the guy rolls out of his bottom bunk and he grabs my ankle and he looks up to me i've never seen anyone's face like that he's like carter i had the worst dream i had a dream that i brought a girl all the way here for the last show and i was like that was real that wasn't a dream it did happen the nightmare ended when you fell asleep actually I was like where the fuck is she

It's like where is she like what did you do to her And he's like I thought it was a dream I had a dream I killed a girl When it's not a dream So she was gone Her friend had literally I think as soon as we left to get a barbecue She snuck out and just jumped in front of their car And drove back like she was

That is a good grippy she like, I just wanted to fuck. I'm out. No problem. She didn't even, I would have been like, buy me a flight. I'll tell you what, as a man,

okay. I don't think I can get a girl to take a 30 minute Uber back to my place, let alone a 13 hour bus ride. A 26 hour travel total time. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We're talking across state lines type of ride.

Like, could you imagine that? You'll be lucky to get a girl home from the bar and you live next door. Could you imagine that type of game you'd have to have to, like, you're like, hey, what do you say we go back to my place? And she's like, where is it? And you're like, it's a state across. Like, it'll be quick.

It'll be quick. Not even a different area code, a different whole-ass state. Yeah. I think she came there, though, with the full intention of i'm going to fuck this man she was on a mission we'll off the record have to find out who this is because he must have some fucking bde i mean you guys are like you guys might almost be there you know we're at that level almost not quite i mean you gotta keep it going for like another be there you know we're at that level almost not quite i mean you gotta keep it going for like another five years you know yeah but my number one goal from now on is to get

a girl to drive with me for 13 hours yeah we have to know 14 we have to break the record we have to go we have to push it 14 hours all right ladies and gentlemen we're gonna take a quick break because we have a jingle of sorts a jingle of sorts for you and a one and a two and a one two three because manscaped is a little place where we can shave our ball sack ball sack baby nice yeah yeah yeah yeah manscaped you're gonna have to up the offer boys but yeah so support for the new fomo podcast is brought to you by manscaped who is the best in men's below the waist grooming their products are precision engineered tools for your family jewels and manscaped's performance package is the ultimate men's hygiene bundle join over four million men worldwide who trust manscaped's performance package is the ultimate men's hygiene bundle.

Join over 4 million men worldwide who trust Manscaped with this exclusive offer for you. 20% off and free shipping worldwide with the code NOFOMO. NOFOMO is the code. So use that code NOFOMO at Manscaped.com for 20% off and free shipping. Now back to the show. Okay for 20% off and free shipping. Now back to the show. Okay, I'm switching the game up. You're changing the game? I'm switching the game. Okay.

This one is specifically for you. Oh, geez. I am going to give you a description of a person. The original number rating that I'm giving them is- Wait, wait, wait, wait. Start over. It's the rating game. Have you seen this on TikTok?

Have you seen this on TikTok? So I'm really bad with TikTok. Just get rid of it. That's okay. So I'm going them. Wait, wait, wait. Start over. It's the rating game. Have you seen this on TikTok? Have you seen this on TikTok? So I'm really bad with TikTok. That's okay. So I'm going to give you their looks, their looks rating one out of ten in a number. But then I'm going to give you

a personal quality about them. Okay. And then you have to give me what their actual rating is after that quality. So it's either going to be a plus or minus what the original score is.

Okay, okay. So someone's a ten, but their personality's a one. But they pissed the bed. Yeah, someone's a ten. So it's either going to be a plus or minus what the original score is. Okay, okay. So it's like a 10, but... So someone's a 10, but their personality's a 1. But they piss the bed. Yeah. So what are they now? Oh, you're going to give a quality.

Yes, yes, yes. But only one quality? Yeah. I feel like that seems very like you could say the worst quality about them or the best quality about them. That's like...

Yeah, that's exactly what it is. That's exactly what it is. That's going to be their worst or best quality. Now I'm going to be like rating people off their worst or best qualities.

They're not real people though. So don't worry. Yeah. Yeah. Hypothetical people. Maybe they're totally made up. Maybe, maybe some of them are.

So this first one, based off your friends, you're like, these are not any resemblance to real people is entirely fiction. Operator, the assumption they're not real. So here's the first one. He's a nine out of ten looks wise okay

but he always has to wear hulk hands like uh like costume hands from like amazon the hulk like you know they go hulk smash wait he says that or he just wears the hands he also says he does say the tagline because i was gonna say that's a huge difference just wearing the gloves he might have a hand condition. He thought they were more fashionable than some leather gloves. But saying it is like, you know, so we're saying he says it. Let's say he says it. Let's say he says it.

Okay, okay, okay. He also wears them while he says it. So your job is to give him a new one out of ten based off that fact. Okay, not to put a wrench in your guys' thing, but I feel like this is kind of like a man rating system because you're just saying are they fuckable or not. That's kind of what, whereas like with, I mean, I could be like, all right, but maybe like he's a 9 out of 10, does Hulk hands.

That's like a one-time fuck. So that's, but then he might be a 10 for the one-time fuck, but then he's a 1 out of 10 one time fuck. Yeah. But then he's a one after that. And he's wearing the Hulk hands. You know what? He's like Hulk was smacked. Yeah, right? I'll say this.

You take this game however you want. Yeah, you can interpret it however you want. Well, I know that's, but that's why, but I gotta explain it so that people are going to see my thought process. So his looks are a nine out of 10. Yeah, he looks, he's, he looks. To me, he's still a nine out of 10. That's still a, he looked to me. He's still a nine out of 10. That's still a one time.

Fuck. But like after the Hulk hands. Okay. Yeah. I feel like, yeah. Yeah. Okay.

He becomes a one out of 10 for the one, for the rate. Anything beyond the one fuck, he'd be a one out of 10. Really? I mean, no, no,

no, no. A one out of 10 would be like someone you'd never fuck. If someone's a nine out of 10, like you'll put up with a lot. Even you guys think about it. You put up with a lot of crazy shit from someone. You'd be like someone you'd never fuck if someone's a nine out of ten like you'll put up with a lot even you guys think about it you put up with a lot of crazy shit from someone you'd be like okay this is absolutely insane i'm very uncomfortable but this girl's so fucking hot i'm gonna do it yeah she's like i can't give them a lower rating because you still did it right that's fair okay

okay let's let's make it too complicated let's take no i like that i like that i like that a lot let's take it as a second date rating then okay okay so he's a nine out of ten he wears hulk hands he says he put up with it for the one time okay and then but then after that you tell your friends about you're like hey i hooked up with this guy he wears hulk hands he was hot but i think that's like a two okay there we go yeah can i just do a quick side note so i put my hand down on the couch just randomly because i'm fucked up and you said hulk smash and there's of course like i cannot make this probably last night last night when we finished up dinner we like watched a movie

and this it was a mess in here. And I was like, hey, before everyone goes to bed, can we all pick up one cup? One beer each, yeah. Some guys just stuff the cat down. I'm putting the whole crew up. I wish there was more down here. There's probably a full bottle under the seat. I wouldn't look too deeply in there.

Are you ready for the next one? Round two. I vacuum the top of the couch, but I don't know what's down in the crevices. We're not ready for the next one here. At least one Coors cap. Hands aren't meant to down in the crevices. We're not ready for the next one here. At least one course cap. Hands aren't meant to be in the crevices, that's for sure. Okay, this next one. He's an eight, but when he dirty talks in bed,

he uses the Gollum voice from Lord of the Rings. It's kind of hot. My precious. My precious. So his rating might even go up on this. Okay, wait, wait, wait. He calls you a pussy, my precious. And you're like, hey, do some dirty talking.

I feel like you guys are leaving a massive rating scale, though. Like, looks, weird things that they do, but also, like, dick. Okay. I can easily throw in a dick rating in there. Does he have his back on? Yeah, we need a dick rating in there Does he have his back on there? Because that changes everything He's got the golem dick You'll put up with a little bit

For like someone being hot But you'll put up with a lot more I like that So he's an 8 out of 10 He has a 7 out of 10 dick But You're like hey I need a little dirty talking. And he's like, okay.

And he goes, I'm going to dick you down, my precious. I think it's going to take him down to like a 5, 6, possibly. That's fair. That's fair. This is how the game is. But if the dick rating was 2, it would be like 1. We figured out the ground. When he's got that shire cock, it really goes up.

Yeah, if his dick looked like a golem dick, now we talking about zero hey golem guilty as charged i don't know have you seen golems he's hungering shit yeah he's making me hungry honestly this so these next three okay what and that's where we cut that That's staying in for sure. For these next three, you don't have to give a rating. You just have to pick one of them. It does not include dick rating. So just give them, let's say they're all 5 out of 10 dick rating. They're all 5 out of 10. Just for fairness.

What's your baseline? A 7? Let's give them an all in average. Okay, all a 7. Average dick rating. 7.5. Okay. This next one, he's an an eight but he has bleach tips for his hair eight eight remains an eight yeah i like the bleach he's an eight makes me think of being middle school your first crush

he's an 8.5 but he weighs 115 pounds. Eight. I'm about the same size. I prefer someone who's a little bigger but I can be cool with someone who's the same size. You'll work with it. He's a five but he's funny and he calls you mommy.

One. Alright. Okay, so now the reveal is Those were all us I was the boss Look at how bleached these things are I'm not surprised Wait wait wait Call him mommy

He's funny but he calls you mommy Yeah I think it's the mommy thing that just like really Let go into that shit You know what that's fine I'm looking for a mommy If it's like a You know like a fan Like you know at a show putting up with a thing On their head like mommy

Cute cute cute I have it on my phone right now. Cute, cute, cute, cute. I have it on my phone right now. But, like, in bed, I think I would, like. Well, okay. I love that you took it in bed, but it was more like a cute, like, mommy. No. Mommy, baby needs milky.

No, it calls you mommy all the time. Baby needs milky. I like to be baby. I like to be baby, and I like man to be daddy. Okay, okay, okay. That's why I date men. Like, otherwise, I would just, like, only date girls. Or babies. But I like to be baby daddy. That's why I date men. Otherwise I would just only date girls. But I like to be baby

daddy situation. I'm not surprised by the rating. She said if I took out the mommy, I'm above you. I think you're the same. You're the only one who said you're funny. I think we're all funny. That's also good.

You left funny out of ours for some reason. I was also the only one that took myself down all the way to a five but he he compromised he still takes some points of the hotness i'll give myself some extra funny points that's fair i think we all ended up around the same spot that's a great transition to my next question because since you are a female guest i want to get some advice from you okay since i am newly single I'm back in the game I wanted to get a little advice um on dating apps my opener 100% of the time is I say mommy with an exclamation point as my only opener do you think that that's good or bad as far as because I think the success rate is pretty good.

I could see the success rate being pretty good, but I don't I think it's more about the psychology behind that that leads to like long-term failure. So it depends what you're looking for. Do you, whatever's working for you, you know? Okay, I appreciate that and I needed

that. I don't think you call your girlfriend mommy, but if you're banging the chick one time. He calls my mom know? Okay, I appreciate that and I needed that. I don't think you call your girlfriend mommy, but if you're banging the chick one time He calls my mom mommy. Well, I think it's more the, like, okay, so Can you break down the mommy dynamic for us? Okay, yes, okay, so So the mommy movement is huge. Yeah, and we're at the forefront of it, clearly.

Well, I feel like, okay, so I read this book Do you guys know the Satanic Bible? Anton LaVey? Break that shit down. You guys didn't, oh my God, okay.? Anton LaVey? Break that shit down. You guys didn't? Oh, my God. Okay. So Anton LaVey, you know, you wrote the Satanic Bible, but he also wrote this other book,

which I bought years ago. And it's a book that's basically written by a man, and it's very outdated. It's called Hail Satan. It's the Satanic Witch's Handbook. And it is a book on how to manipulate men as a woman, as written by a man so I thought that's fascinating I have to read that and I actually I just bought it out of like curiosity um but I actually came to a lot of realizations during that because I'm a very dominant type person I'm like say what I want and so I realized from this book that women like me, we tend to go for these very dominant type men.

But he explains personality based off a clock. So the top half of the clock is very dominant. The bottom half is more feminine, submissive. So wherever you fall on the clock in your outward personality, that means that your inward, your demonic personality is the exact opposite. demonic personality is the exact opposite. So the way that you learn to manipulate people is by whatever they portray themselves to be inwardly, they are unfulfilled in these other areas. So like the exact opposite of how they portray themselves? Well, we fulfill those needs, right? So I would always go for a very super dominant type, like hyper masculine men, because I'm a more masculine woman.

So I wanted someone more masculine than me. But then I realized that those men inwardly, deep down, they want a mommy. And I don't want to be a mommy. But I think that because you're- Wait, what does that put me on the clock? Six to the very bottom?

But I think because you're leading with it, that means something different. That means that you're like, you're like, oh, like I want different. That means that you're like, oh, I want the mommy, but you're actually probably a firecracker in bed. You actually really need daddy. I wish we were wrong here, folks. I think you leading with it is actually a good thing because it means that you're comfortable being that kind of like, you know, vulnerable. Oh, like mommy, you're making a joke out of it. So it's probably a good thing.

It's the guys that would hide it and be like, I'm super masculine. But I think I just have trauma from dating these hyper masculine men who ultimately deep down wanted me to be their mommy. So that really turns me off. But I think you're. When you finally get them into bed they're like hey give me head scratchies I need head scratchies I don't think it's necessarily just in bed people fulfill it in different

ways you know it might be like you know you just like want someone like it doesn't have to be in bed like you can fulfill your demonic personality in so many different ways playing an instrument like your work like there's a million different ways you can fulfill it, but most people aren't fulfilled.

I want orange slices and a pretty sense of snack. Yes. And you play the penis flute. But that might be, that's your, that's actually your outward personality. Yeah. So your demonic personality is that you're actually fucking daddy and you're going to fucking, yeah. The script is lit.

You shouldn't have given him all that. Okay. Well, you jumped a little too soon because my next question that I had to ask you is. So my go-to. I'm sure this is a debatable topic. My go-to hookup movie, like when you bring a girl back to your house, throw her in a movie. I like to put on Shrek. Shrek 1.

Like donkey get out of my swamp. It just gets me in the mood. Get out of his swamp, yes. Is that a weird pick? Or would that be something like, you were like, okay. I think that would be very popular with a lot of people.

It's also a movie someone, everyone's like seen enough times where like, when you start. Yeah, you put it on. You know like, I'm not watching this intently. Right. That or or finding nemo the only time i've gotten in trouble the only time i've gotten in trouble doing that is i brought to go back to my house and i put it on and it was already halfway through and she was like why is it already halfway through and i was

like i haven't seen it a long time because they only got halfway through before i fucked the other girl i can tell you that was less than 24 I've seen the first 15 minutes of Shrek a lot. I haven't seen the last. Okay, well at that point you picked it right back up at 15 minutes and 30 seconds. So maybe if I get through

the first 15, maybe I'll watch the whole thing. Right when he's fighting the dragon I don't know what happens, but the rest of it it's all good. We never really get to when he saves the princess he's saving her netflix and chill kind of vibe honestly you could get a little more creative it's kind of it i will say like not a weird pick but weird that you would repeat it multiple days in a row because that means that the entire 50

minutes, cause if you were actually watching it, you'd be like, this is so fucking boring, but you're sitting there going like, okay, like when is she going to touch my dick? When is she going to touch my dick? When is she going to touch my dick? Or when is he going to whip out his dick? You're giving me a lot of credit here. It's more like, when is he going to take off his pants? I think that's giving you way more credit a woman is way more likely to have sex with you than a man oh my god i am sweating that's the first time i've ever heard that okay so so this is huge we we did a breakdown we did our opinion on this last week but okay um which one of us do you think has the smallest dick energy this is purely based off energy not like size or anything like energy no

shit it's not based off actual size honestly i feel like i'm not trying to gas you guys up here like no please please do not want to gas but like i don't think any of you guys have small dick energy you could have like hold on slow down here because you're wrong i mean you might have a small dick but small dick energy is a totally different thing it's totally different because the biggest guy in the room has the smallest dick well yeah i mean absolutely not i mean you guys like cats what we were talking about earlier the the comfortability with you know i don't know the sleeping with your bros in the bed that's kind of big dick energy okay yeah because you're not you're not like constantly questioning your

own like it's weird to like constantly question your own sexuality unless you're like you know 15 years old you know that's true um you guys are really unless you're 15 years old. That's true. You guys are really cool. You're like, I'll sleep next to my bro. I like cats, whatever. And I love my bro. Had a few too many women on your podcast,

but it's okay. Going along with that one, I mean, it's a movement right now. Who do you think has the most step bro energy? Step bro? Like Will Ferrell? Whatever that means to you. Whatever it means to you. Yeah, however you want to take it.

Is that like a thing that's like from TikTok that I'm supposed to know what it means? I mean. Because it doesn't mean anything to me except for the movie Step Brothers. You don't know about step bro energy? No. Fill me in. Please educate me. I'm ready to learn.

After you, sir. Who's going to take the lead on this? I can do it. I can do it. Okay. We fully understand that you don't understand this. As a man, let me explain to you. A big movement in the industry right now.

Which industry? The hub-est industry of hubs. The industry. Which industry? The hub is the industry of hubs. The hub industry. It's the step bro category. What's step sis category? Step bro, step sis. Oh, you mean in the adult industry? Yes.

Adult industry. So it's taken it by storm. You're like, just spit it out. God damn it. It's taken it by storm. Music industry. Like, you know what we're talking about here. taken it by storm you're like just spit it out god damn it it's taken by storm and music industry like you know what we're talking about here the machining industry the auto industry so yeah we were just curious who had the most like step bro what are you doing energy oh step bro what are

you doing energy yeah it's probably in the same line yeah that's the last question yeah yeah no you guys kind of all have the same vibe i mean different you're all different yeah i'm trying to you know we're all pretty similar everyone actually thinks we're the same person the most commented thing we get on uh all of our social media is is this actually just three dudes in different outfits or the same one dude in three different outfits talking to himself well especially with the glasses you could get away with that yeah you can't really tell and then like you know he's got the hat everyone's just kind of we really don't know you're covering up your tips basically everyone's just calling us basic you guys both got oh my god i'm even questioning that right now

okay let's just. Okay, let's just go with who's your female and male DJ crush? I don't think I have a male. I don't think I have a male DJ crush. So I think you're.

Not even. We're so hoping that you said them. It couldn't. We don't want to get into that. It's not the Vibe Air podcast. But no. The stipulation was.

The stipulation was it couldn't be us. Pump the brakes, motherfucker. No. Well, I always one of my best friends is an amazing DJ and

I always tell her and she's my favorite DJ because she really is. I really do love her whole vibe. But I always tell her that and I think she didn't believe me that it was just like a friend gassing you up type thing. And then she played a few places and like oh Carter said that you're my favorite you're her favorite DJ she's like oh my god you really tell people that I'm like yeah like bitch like

that's why you're one of my best fucking friends like you're high you're a good fucking DJ that's Penny Wilde you guys probably don't know her. I've heard the name. But if we want to talk about, you know, I don't know, Cruella. That's just like an old school. Oh, yeah. That's a good one. I say old school like they're old, but they're like the same age as me. But they've been way bigger before I was nobody. We're all the same age here.

We're all old. I think Yaz might actually be younger than me which is crazy but i've just been a fan of her since i was in college yeah they've been around like that when we first got a medium they were like top of the top of the top who else i don't know you guys i need to like uh you guys tell me yours i don't want to be put on the spot you guys share yours and then i'll share i'd fuck the shit out of Calvin Harris. For sure. Yeah. Really? I feel like Skrillex could put down that hard shit. Yeah, but I don't know.

I feel like we both have big energy. You think Skrillex is freaky? Or do you think he's fake edgy? You know, people are like. No, he's definitely not. Interesting take. He used to be in an emo band. He's not fake. Yeah, he's not.

I feel like at this point. Not fake. I don't think he's as edgy as we want him to be. Right. I don't want him to be edgy. Like. Is he the one to like suck out of this point, I don't think he's as edgy as we want him to be. Right. I don't want him to be edgy. Like, is he the one that, like, sucks out of your bottle? I don't know. That's a different angle.

Purely of what? Are we talking about edgy as, like, purely off the side shape that he's rocking? No, we're talking about, like, you know. Him as a person. We're talking about crush. So we're talking about, like, sexually, like, are they edgy? I mean, the problem for me is i don't he doesn't fit in the mouth i don't want to yeah you guys are all you guys are all djs

i don't know anything about you think that there's a hot until it happens at the right time a scrooge a scrooge dude he's that. I don't know. This probably is not appropriate for the podcast, but just a side thing. I was doing this reverse gangbang when I was born. So, you know, it's like, you know, a bunch of girls with one guy. Oh, wow. I didn't know that was a thing. And so you have to, like, occupy yourself a lot because there's only one penis. You got to, like, do it, you know, occupy yourself.

Find ways to fill your time. And, you know, I'm into pretty much much anything I'm pretty much down with whatever like whether I'm like super into it or not if someone else is really into it I'm like I can just like I go with the flow I'm down and this girl I always liked spit so much and I think this single-handedly turned me off so much she like spit in my mouth but like I feel like we it'd been a long day like I've probably been smoking cigs and shit yo the spit was like yellow and it was crazy because I was dead sober too like yeah I didn't really get fucked like this like this is if I'd been a little fucked up I'd have been like fuck it but like I

was dead sober and I was like I saw it going into my mouth. But like, the camera's on you. Like, what are you going to do? You can't. And I was like, that is gross. I don't want that in my mouth. But I was like, all right, whatever. And you spit it back.

Spit it back. Well, that's it. Oh, my God. Did I guess it? Yeah, that's exactly what I did. Because I had it in my mouth. And I thought, there's no way in hell I'm gonna swallow this and so i just grabbed her face and i was like everyone's like it's so hot and i was like it was either uh i was gonna throw it up or it's going right back right it was it was either puke or it was it was re-spit back but i think ever

since then i've been like really weird about spit like not like i'm not into it but like i'm always like hey like uh hey hey babe you hydrated you hydrated real quick let me like get a little swab what was her move after that did she spit it right back and i mean these are like some of the craziest girls in the business like no one gives a fuck like we're all like not like that was the first thing that's ever happened that kind of made me gag. It was just to hit me at the right moment. So everyone was cool with it.

I got to say, it's not surprising to hear that cigarette spit is a little gross. Right, right. I could see that. You're spitting a lot, too. You kind of run out. I have to imagine. Yes, that's kind of run out. I have to imagine.

Yes, that's what I was thinking. I have to imagine that with a cigarette spit, you have to kind of really. You have to really dig deep for the cig spit. Oh, my God, do not make the noise. I will throw up right now. That's my main, that's actually my biggest, like, turn off. Like, don't get me wrong. I don't give a fuck if you need to do a hock-a-loo.

You could tell me that. But the hearing, the sound of it. The sound of them hawking it up. Yeah it's not like a choice like intellectually I don't give a shit but like I just hear auditorily. You're just sensitive to that sound specifically. Intellectually. I just hear it and I'm just like I'm gonna throw up. Brainologically I hate it.

Like if a guy like hawks a loogie all the time I'm like I could never. Alright so piggybacking off of that. That was like the grossest thing a girl spent you with. The grossest thing a guy like hocks a loogie all the time, I'm like, I could never. All right. So piggybacking off of that, that was like the grossest thing a girl's done to you. What's the grossest thing a guy's done to you? The grossest thing? Like that brings up like an ego. Girl, I need me love.

Okay. So what's a better question is what's an ick for girls? What's like your top couple icks? We've talked about some of our icks. Well, I want to know like a sexual ick and like a social ics. I want to know a sexual ic and a social ic. You know what I mean? Right, right, right. This is the thing, though.

There's not an ic. It just depends on the person. It depends on the person 100%. It's the most woman thing ever. One of my friends, I introduced her to one of my guy friends a a year ago we're all going out and uh he was like very into her and he's like okay like hey can you give me like I'm really into her like what's the advice like how do I like not turn her off and I'm like okay I've known this girl for years I fucking like I know her so deeply

I'm like I got you because I think he's a great guy and I'm like I would love this to be a thing so I'm like okay listen these are the things she hates don't give her too much fucking attention like also remember like you're more fucked up than she is so like you know whatever I'm giving him this whole list and I'm like just don't come on to her too hard next fucking second I see him all over her and I'm like going oh my fucking god he literally didn't listen to one thing I fucking said and she's like oh my god I'm like in love with him and I'm like oh my god so I think the point was is that and I'd seen like hot ass dudes like I'd be like oh my god

like I so hot and she's like I'm not into him because he did this one thing but when the right guy did it, it didn't fucking matter. Yeah. It's all about feeling out the vibe. It's more of a case-by-case basis. Well, you know, women are very like a mental and are like, what turns us on? What gets us into sex? Like it's such a mental game.

So that's why you could be someone they're very into and you could say one thing, like mommy. Very specific reference. You could say one thing like mommy or very specific you could say mommy mommy it's not that you did anything wrong it's like that might just trigger something in their brain that says like ew gross right right i'll say one thing i've learned from this entire experience is i need to tone back the mommy i mean you said it was working for you though so i don't want to like i don't want to know okay so here I want to explain a little bit okay okay if I can

we'll give you an opportunity to redeem yourself my point of doing that is is almost nothing is off the table as far as making jokes and making fun of stuff so

that's just your vibe so if I say that and you're instantly out as far as like joking about it then you don't want it anyway then it's like okay we're not it's not going to work. Like we're not going to be a good match.

If I'm going to say something ridiculous like saying mommy to, especially when I say it like when I message it to a girl who's younger than me and they're like, oh, what the fuck are you talking about? I'm like, okay, okay. You don't get it. It's fine. It's fine. Right.

So that's like my bar setter as far as. Yeah, you gauge it. No, I think that's very fair i mean i'm a big like i think you should always just like be yourself and like do what everything is right because at the end of the day people are gonna like you or they're not gonna like you well i mean also you know like it's not a sexual thing for me right go as far as you can imagine in the bedroom i'm not like right you know screaming mommy i feel bad now that i was super harsh with the mommy thing but i get like i now that i understand that it was based on you you're being funny

but i was just thinking of a guy being like mommy like fuck me and i was like ew like i'm so gross out but like now that i understand like i want to raise the rating I blew too high of a BAC I'm gonna You have some water? I need a fucking water down low You need a little bit of There's a We have a whole water

Machine in there You blew too low? I was right here You blew too high I think you blew too low It's right here It's so hot Oh that's good stuff

Well you guys haven't tried Pool water right? What the fuck is that? Our concoction of drink No Cause you guys didn't come To Spencer, right? Our concoction of drink. Because you guys didn't come to Spencer's birthday party. Oh, we need Raydell to make it. And it's like a whole fucking process.

Get him out here. It looks like jungle juice like that you would like drink in college. But it's formulated specifically for 30 year old bodies to be hydrated and still binge drink. Yeah. And we invented it like, I don't know, maybe about a year ago or so. And every time people come to our house, I have to go, hey, I know that thing looks like horrifying, but I promise you that it's like the

best thing you'll drink all day. Can you give us some sort of insight as to what's in that? Yeah, let's break it down. I can give you, so the boys won't give me, you know, it's proprietary. Oh, it's a secret recipe? Oh yeah, it's secret. Yeah,'re trying they're trying to make it i know but it does have electrolytes it's got um spirulina which is what gives it the blue color it's vodka it's like basically a vodka soda but like more watered down with some cucumbers some mint some spirulina

a lot of liketes, hydration products. So, you know, like, when you're at a party and you just want to keep drinking, you want to have always a cup in your hand, and you're thirsty because you're at a pool party, right? And you want to keep drinking, but that's how you get fucked up. But this is basically formatted so you could just, like, be drinking this all day, and you will get fucked up. It's not that it won't fuck you up, but it's not like taking a shot of tequila where like three minutes later,

you're like, you know? Yeah. Yeah. No, next time we have a house party, you guys got to come. I know. You'll try it. I'm going to show us one.

Fuck. Yeah, why? We were in the pool at 10 a.m. the next day. It was funny because you guys were like, oh, we like realized we were going to be like raging all night. It was Mother's Day the next day. That's why.

Yeah. Yeah. The night before. I didn't even fucking Mother's Day the next day. That's why. Yeah. I didn't even call my mom. I feel terrible. Oh, no. Was it yesterday? Father's Day, too? No, it's next Sunday. No, it's next Sunday.

Thank God. I was like, I can't miss both. It almost beat me at fucking aneurysm. I was like, oh, my God. Well, there was a commercial on Hulu, and it was like, happy Father's Day. And I was like, oh. Oh, no. Yeah.

Thank God. Yeah. What do I get my dad, dude? A new son? A passport to fucking tijuana yeah that's um we'll get into morgan's that another what story do we want do we want why he's banned from mexico why he's not allowed in the country is he he's not banned from me. He's still in Mexico, right? No, he's banned. My dad is banned from Mexico. Okay. I think the only way to properly do your dad

justice is to kind of start from the beginning. Not the full beginning. We can start from the beginning. As a child, my father was warm. I can start from my beginning. The rebirth. The rebirth. Okay, we can start from the rebirth. So my parents got divorced when i was like two years old and my dad wasn't really involved at all and apparently in his head he didn't really think that he was he wasn't being a good dad

oh he was a great dad he was killing it he's a great dad he never talked to you so he got involved re-involved in my life when I was like 24, like two years ago. And we had to have the conversation that was like, hey, you weren't a good dad. Like a television show. So how did he try and rebound with you, Morg? So he comes in like a bowling ball. Like imagine a bowling ball, but it was like the size of a home. He was like, oh, I didn't know you think that way.

So he comes and stays at my house for about a month and a half and just decides to go balls to the wall every night so we went to we end up going to mexico a couple times and one of the times he gets arrested on the way in for having a firearm on him because guns are illegal in mexico which is the most illegal thing that you could have in Mexico. So he goes to Mexican jail and he calls me with a translator from Mexican jail. And I have to come down there and bail him out of Mexican jail. Well,

hold on. You're skipping a couple steps here. We're getting to the meat. It's the meat and potatoes. Can you talk about how well you guys bonded together? Yeah, please. Don't get me wrong. So you had a good father-son trip. Felt like I had a real dad. For sure. For like a wrong you had a good father-son trip felt like i had a real dad for sure for like a six week period what what father-son bonding trip doesn't involve a few prostitutes yeah exactly if you haven't fucked in a bed here's the deal if it's your real dad

and you really want to bond you share the same one yeah we're getting deep um yeah so honestly before we went to it's the only way you come back from a 24 year hi i can't relate to like i before we went to mexico you're like my dad was around he loved me i don't know also just never sharing the prostitute thing yeah it's a crazy dynamic but before that we did go to vegas and he ended up throwing up for like 16 hours straight, which I've never seen happen before. That's a special amount of time. I can relate.

It was honestly very impressive. Get him some Zofran. Yeah. But so after that, we went to Mexico. Yeah, that's true. Quick. Carter Cruz quick tip. Zofran up.

Seriously. If you throw up when you're hungover. That's what they give to people on like chemo and shit. Beforehand. So this was his plan. His whole plan was to go to the Philippines because the guy-girl dynamic is like they pretty much will do whatever you want because like. Because they're also guys.

Yes. Also that. Yeah. When you're talking about the dynamic, it's. It's guy-guy. More so there is no dynamic. Yeah. When you're talking about the dynamic, it's more so there is no dynamic.

Yeah. So he follows a bunch of like middle to late age older men that are on YouTube that live in the Philippines because they just go there to meet like young Filipino girls, which is the fucking weirdest thing I've ever heard of in my entire life. Because they're mostly underage too. Yeah. Extremely weird. So like his, there's like a couple of like. Sorry for that. It's a dark it's

a dark place probably good that one's not it's true though it's fucking true no it's actually true like the silly reason people go to see sex workers so there's like a handful of middle-aged gentlemen that have youtube accounts that live in fucking the philippines and it is just the most horrifying i think it's more than a handful oh no we're talking about a large dude my neighbor's wife was like 30 years younger than him, but I didn't meet him until he was like 70 and she was like 40. I'm like, wait, so he married her when he was in the military and he was in his 20s, so this girl was like 12 years old when they met.

No, that would make her two years old if he was 12 years old. Oh, my God. He's on the brink of death And she's like 55 She's like I got my whole life ahead of me Yeah she inherits his whole fortune All the money Honestly that is a long game though It is the long game that's not a

gold digger that is that is a respectable ass woman i will say there needs to be a term for women who they are gold they're like they're in it for the money but they put in the years you know in the years if you put in 25 35 of like some weird some socially unacceptable comments that you just have to laugh balls in your face every night or it might just be that they're from the philippines and they have many other options yeah it's a good point it's hard to put myself there yeah we're talking like america it just got sad really quick these women are they're dedicated they're dedicated. I've seen 90 Day Fiance with Big Ed, and I would get out of there, too, for that guy. Dude, the 90 Day Fiance is fantastic.

He made it out with the hardest working people on the planet. All right, well, I think that was episode 16. That was it. Carter, thank you so much. That was an absolute hoot. This is only 16? Yeah, we're just getting started. But, yeah, thanks for having us in your home.

Thanks for coming on the show. That was a fucking blast. That was good.