NO FOMO - 22. Don’t C*m

Episode Date: July 27, 2022

Welcome Back Fomosapiens. This week we just get absolutely lost in sauce. Let's Evolve Together, NO FOMO. Support the Podcast: Get 20% OFF @manscaped + Free Shipping with promo code NOFOMO at MANSCAPED.com!

All right, this is going to be a fun one, ladies and gentlemen. Episode 22 of No FOMO. Here we are. With the motherfucking boys. We're back, and I think we got a pretty special one in store today. Yeah. We're going fully diving in. Morgan, you want to tell the people what we got going on today?

We're going to try to break down the cosmos. Yeah. We're going into the metaverse. Yeah, we're going to be breaking down the new James Webb Hubble telescope photographs. Yeah, we actually have Neil deGrasse Tyson on board today. He's going to be assisting us. We might be the Neil deGrasse Tysons of this subject. Of this subject?

Yeah. I think there's some new sheriffs in town on this specific topic. But I guess we're talking about what we think we know about girls today. Yeah, or relationships. Not necessarily what we think we know. What we've done. What we think we know about girls today yeah or relationships uh not necessarily what we think we know just what we've done what we thought we may have known what we've been through the journey that we've been on and uh why we're never going back title of the episode boys are gay now the boys three gay dudes shooting the shit about girls yeah i guess so uh where do we even fucking

start this one off guys okay so i uh i think the funnest way to start is just the stupidest things i've ever apologized for i mean yeah sure or did you have a where did you want to go big daddy i'm just trying to think of how we're going to like. Really get there? Because I think I want it to be sort of like a teaching experience, right? Okay. Like for like a. A what not to do? Yeah, this is like, you know, you're seeing your dad was like a drunk failure piece of shit kind of thing. Like learn from him, do the opposite.

Yeah, yeah. I think this is, I think maybe just to frame it a little bit, we're trying to go through our like biggest just just mistakes dumbest things we've done in relationships and kind of break that down a little bit and boy do we have a fucking laundry list yeah i guess the biggest category that we did find where we've done the most stupid things or said the most or whatever of the like most ridiculous things was this sort of category of things that you have apologized for that looking back on you're like how the fuck did i get roped into that like how did i be how was i in the wrong here i was wondering if we wanted to do a quick just like

uh a history of our dating history oh because that is important no i think it's really important because if none of us had been in any sort of relationship, this wouldn't matter. Because we all can have different answers for different reasons. So, Morg, do you want to start off? Yeah, so I was in a four-year banger in the meat of when you fuck up the most periods. In college? Yeah. 20 to 20, or 19 to 23.

Yeah. I was in a six, almost seven-year relationship from my junior year of college until the beginning of this year okay i basically haven't been in one i was in one for six months yeah no no your high school one counts i was like that high school one counts that was you were on and off for like four years that was sophomore i think it counts it's worth mentioning yeah yeah i do have i do have to leave it off it was hard to remember anything from that almost all of my stuff is all from the state yeah well because i yeah high school relationships are just different when you're dating as an adult there you just have way more capacity to function yeah especially 19 you have a little too much freedom especially in college so yeah mine was yeah the latter latter two years of my call i think to sum that up into one uh one little meat there we have one serious relationship

on our belt yeah collectively have one yeah and none of them went well yeah yeah mine went well for a period of time oh i mean i mean if it made it six years yeah sure it went well for five so we're trying to learn something yeah yeah so here we fucking go. This is the stupidest things we've, you've ever apologized for. Yeah. Um, the first one I've got on here, um, I forgot a small fact about a work friend who I have never met of hers. Um, she was telling a story about them and I was like, wait, what? And she's like, I told you this, they have a certain type of car or whatever. And I was like, oh my, I'm sorry. That's on me. I've never met them before. You've talked about them in passing a few times. I'm supposed to remember that. I'm sorry. Yeah. In, in, uh, kind of going off of

that one, I just had like forgetting you met like one of their like really good friends from growing up that you met like one time and you run into them at like a concert or something. And you're like, who the fuck was that? They're like, you you met that was like my best friend in high school that's why i just started pretending like i know everyone yeah that's that's the move it's just it's impossible to keep track that's the move yeah yep but um so sounding like i didn't mean it over text now that that could be its own category yeah so So I don't think you had enough heart in that. I love you text. Yeah.

No, like the punctuation wasn't there or something. I was lacking an emoji. Text itself is its own like diorama of mistakes. You really have to learn someone's like texting lingo and how they want you to text them, I guess. Dude, I'm almost willing to say that i want to minimize text and just do phone calls with girls oh no that's a way worse mistake there's you ever been on the phone with a girl it's no less than two hours guaranteed yeah you're you're walking into a danger zone of time time

usage yeah because texting is efficient because you can just text every 20 minutes or hour or whatever but i don't want to be on the line and like expected to be on the line well then you just got to set the expectation early on like just don't text them back right away you can't you can't yeah i don't know if that works i don't know along with that though everyone's different you know yeah along with running the risk of not texting is then you have to remember everything on the phone like say oh so at least i have cliff notes there's a date and time yeah yeah if you have the text you you'll remember you when you forget you could be like what did she say and go back you

don't even have to remember you have a notepad basically well you start a voice memo at the beginning of the call oh yeah you should record every phone call for legal reasons as well yeah every line should be a hotline yeah fucking something recording that entire three-way in like your boy yeah just like yeah i gotta have somebody else taking notes to mediate yeah one sec i need to get my boy on this hold on why is there another number in on this call honestly that would be the most fair thing in the world if you could just have each person should get a fucking eyewitness a moderator every person in a relationship should have an eye like judge judy you get to bring her one witness that's why i'm so scared for the ios edit text though because i mean you're just no so someone told me you can

only edit it like 10 15 minutes after you sent it that's too much time but that's so at least hopefully then you can notice it or something that's fair someone can't go back days after and be like you can't get into a fight like two days later and then they go delete it imagine i never said that yeah yes you did i have it right here i edit imagine if they could edit your text to them oh god oh that would just like you said you were gonna be home at seven and it's like yeah and you actually did say that that's um this next one here she was telling me a story about an argument she was in at work and i hinted that she might have been in the wrong oh Oh, my God.

Do you ever just love when they're telling you a story about like, oh, my God, this bitch was doing this. And they're blatantly in the wrong. And you're like, oh, you sound like you were kind of being a fucking bitch. You have to like beat around it. You have to kind of like hop around. Well, maybe she was just thinking this. And they're like, oh, my God.

Dude, you either have their back or it's all hell's breaking loose. Even if they're it's the they're on the complete wrong side yeah my so my mom had i guess this is like a thing in the like girl counselor thing that they tell girls it's like when they tell a your boyfriend about an argument they want to be listened to not taught oh they don't even care your opinion on it they don't want they don't want some insight they just want you to hear that out there isn't that the whole fucking point no i guess not i have i have probably the stupidest thing i've ever had to apologize for i'm not even sure i apologize this was just one of the stupidest things i was ever i'm not gonna you're like under fire i'm gonna

say yeah that's a good way but i was gonna say something mean uh turning my back to her while we're sleeping not instead of this is one of the biggest arguments we got in in our relationship we were having a fight about what i forget what the fight was about something dumb but we're going to bed mad because i i was like i'm upset you're upset so i was like all right good night and i went to bed and i was not facing her oh yeah and she was you were having makeup sleep yeah i wasn't having makeup sleep and i'll never forget this like 30 minutes goes by and she just sits up out of bed and she's like are you fucking serious wow and i was like what were you serious i was like what are you talking about and she's like you're really just gonna roll over like i was getting comfortable i was like i thought we were going to bed and she's like after that you're gonna go to bed i was like

we we ended the argument on opposite sides here i don't see a common ground see my my favorite thing i always got to was i don't even know what the fuck i'm supposed to do ever yeah like i mean i mean i live blindfolded yeah i'm in the dark i didn't i never even know what the right fucking move is so i can't think never does baffles yeah i don't do i don't know yeah that one roll you need to be facing your girlfriend at all times if you look away from her or like if they're like trying to like cuddle on you and you like they they're fully asleep and you like move the arm or something and you're just trying to getdle on you and they're fully asleep and you move the arm or something and you're just trying to get comfortable, roll over to the cool side of the pillow,

they wake up somehow immediately. What are you doing? I'm just going to sleep. I don't know what I'm supposed to be here. Learn to be still. Yeah. You can't move. Be still and be where they want you.

Yeah, exactly. That one was mine. Oh, that was yours? Wait. Toss me one of those fucking things. I want the margarita one. I want the margarita one. He wants the margarita one. Cut the shit.

Give me a margarita. Nothing little. Dope Bochico ain't going to help. Yeah. This one here I have, it doesn't apply to a relationship. It's a different time. I was hooking up with this girl, and she wanted things to be more serious, and I was like no

we should stop like i don't want to go that way i'd like to just be friends you know kind of thing being honest um and i had told her that and then she like met me at she was like at a bar that i was at and was hanging out with me and she was um mad at me because i was not trying to have sex with her after i just told her we should just be friends yeah and i said i'm sorry see and then the fucked up part is if you reverse that situation do you know how fucking under fire you would be like that's like the creepiest shit yeah if she was like oh i just want to be friends you're like no let's work yeah and i was like are you seriously not trying to have sex with me right now like that would be we're at a bar that would be the douchiest fucking horse shit of all time if

we did that i remember looking around and just being like did that really just like she literally said are you seriously not going to try and hook up with me i was like i did i not say we just we just had this conversation what is going on oh there's no way there's no way that's me every day there's no way um this this one is this one's a good one um not trying hard enough to take a good picture of her oh yeah i've actually 100% gotten that before it's like you don't even care that i look good on my instagram it's like i don't dude i don't even know what the fuck i'm supposed to be looking for yeah bring it back to the base morg doesn't know i think that some of the most fights we ever got

like stupid fights we ever got in yeah was like yeah me not putting in enough effort when she asked me to take a picture yeah like i'm just like i i when they're sitting there coaching you yelling at you i'm like i'm fucking over it stop i'm there's enough on there which gets me into the the heart of the story here here we go So my ex-girlfriend was fucking Instagram model, whatever. So on Sundays, this goes into my worst simp shit. Oh, this is my favorite shit. Should I save this for simp shit? No, just say it now.

Just go ahead. So this is one of the biggest simp things I've ever had to do. So for months, every Sunday, we would go out to just like random landmarks and I would have to take like thousands of pictures. Oh God. And I just felt my dick fucking going inside of my body. Your dick inverting into a vagina?

No. The best part about this, though, is we knew about this. Yeah. And he would try and frame it that it was cool. He would be like, no, she paid me 50 bucks to do it. No, I remember him trying to say that he would get paid for it. He was like, no, dude, I got paid $50. I'm like, no, you are a stupid.

Which now that we're far enough away, were you actually getting paid for this shit? I definitely got paid. I don't know. I don't, I don't remember. I guess technically it was for like her like brand deals or whatever. So she was making money. So I assume she's like, would pay you. So I never thought you weren't getting paid, but like, no, I thought you weren't dude. The amount of fear that was instilled into my existence just cause so like maybe 12 of my friends have my location. So like I would be just fucking my existence just because so like maybe 12 of my friends have my location so like i would be just fucking hopping around just anywhere and like i could just every time i'm taking a picture in the public i could just imagine some fucker just like up in his

bedroom just like look at this motherfucker you're ending up on some rock right now getting fucked you're for sure on some influencers in the wild page or some shit just like look at this poor bastard like that is just it's i'll take a picture with you but i feel like a fucking bitch if you make me take like like if this is your job hire a photographer don't bitch i'm not knowing how to take a picture i don't know what the fuck could you imagine how many people are in public watching you do that and she walks up and she's like no do this whatever and they're just like you got you got housed by thousands of dudes watching you dude i had like if i was a cat that fucking hair would be up just the whole time but so what do you guys think about do you do you think it was fair that i asked to be paid for that uh i'm essentially working for if it's technically her job like she's getting paid to like do like brand promotions and

shit a hundred percent i think i think that, that goes beyond like the good boyfriend shit. That's like saying me come to work with you and be your stenographer. Like type out everything you say during it. They're in the day. Like I would never say, Hey, I need you to come to the studio for four hours a week and fucking listen to my music for me.

Yeah. Like there's a level of being like a, a nice regular boyfriend taking some pictures once in a while, but like scheduling like a full Sunday every week. No, that's like your job. I'm not doing that shit. Like I'll do a session a couple of times a week on the house a couple times like if we're

out somewhere yeah i'll take some pictures for friends but fuck if it's hours no fuck i'm just you were so baited up but then you were in a beta blender in the beta bungeus bro that was pretty much the mentality yeah no but then one of the times she's like i told my mom about how you asked me to pay you for it and i was just like oh oh you got absolutely stigged i got swindled dude i hate when they bring the parents into shit that they don't need to know dude i would fucking never tell my parents fuck all about a relationship because not only even if it ends up getting resolved the parents still fucking well no like you less well because they don't tell you them about all the good shit

that happens but they'll be the first ones to know about all the bad shit so they just have a instant like back of their mind they don't like you that is the number one thing in my my one she would tell her mom everything and the mom she's like i never met her parents but the first time i was meeting her parents she already hated you she's like oh they don't like you and i was like why they don't know anything about me and she's like i remember that weekend when you met him you're like it didn't go well she's like oh well you know i do talk to them like when we have an argument or whatever and i was like why would you do that that's the thing do girls do talk to their moms about everything and could you imagine the way that they phrase it to their like like, there's no shot you're having any fun. Oh, your side is not involved.

Yeah. And then the worst part is the mom's not showing, like, thinking of your side either. Oh, the mom doesn't even want, even if she gave your side, the mom's like, oh, my baby girl. Oh, she's right, 100%. But I think this is a good spot for a fucking tip here. If you're ever in a heated argument, don't fucking bring your friends in or your family until the fucking mood has like simmered out. Let some sort of common ground be found and maybe then you can like present the whole situation. But at the end of the day, it's just never going to happen.

Yeah, I don't know. I don't know. That's – I mean, yeah, the argument – unless it's something that needs an outside perspective like there are like if it's just a disagreement about something or whatever but if it's like hey I don't know fucking I'm trying to think of something crazy

to where you actually need to be like hey whoa this is going on I think a good way to put it would be to ask someone what they think about it rather than tell them your don't even tell them your side of it what do you think about this

if this happened if you think someone did something wrong tell them exactly what Don't even tell them your side of it. What do you think about this for a friend? If this happened, if you think someone did something wrong, tell them exactly what they did. And then be like, what is your opinion on this? Because this is mine. It'd be kind of like talking to a counselor, I guess. It'd be like talking to someone who actually could give you some insight. Because you don't want the charged side of someone who's already going to be on your side.

Yeah, well, that's just where all the hot water comes. It's just every girl is gonna have their girls back like i i'd like to think especially in this circle of human beings that we're pretty rational when we present like some shit that girls do to us well you gotta have people we're able to like well like i swear to god the amount of times like someone's actually the devil's advocate and be like oh no you actually fucked up yeah and it's like that's fair thank you for being honest and not just blindly telling me that i'm in the right so that i can go be a dick to this girl for no reason and we're not saying only girls do it no we're not kind of

what it sounded like yeah no i mean we do yeah we're just saying we're just saying from our past yeah it's obviously yeah i'm sure there's guys out there that fucking do the same bullshit yeah i'm gonna i got a couple rapid fire ones here. Okay, let's hear them. I ordered some food that she didn't like and she wasn't able to try mine because I ordered that. But I like the food. So she wanted you to order something that she liked instead of you getting what you wanted.

Yeah, she was upset that what I ordered wasn't something that she could try because she didn't like it. Oh, yeah. And then I had, she asked me three questions at once and I forgot what the first two were while I was answering the third one and I had to re-ask and she's like are you serious you're gonna ask those again and I just I'm sorry you asked me three questions it's hard for me to remember one question yeah yeah especially when it's not like it wasn't like a simple like what

time are we getting there where are we going who's gonna be it's not like, it wasn't like a simple, like what time are we getting there? Where are we going? Who's going to be there? It was like a, would you love me if I was a worm? And then this, and I'm like, Oh, hold up.

Help. Help. Help. Help. Help. But you're always supposed to love them if they're a worm. Yeah. If they're a worm,

you actually are supposed to love them. That's a whole subsection. You're supposed to love them more actually. We're supposed to seek out becoming a worm yeah if they are somehow you should also figure out a scientific method to become a worm so you guys can warm it up together you need to find the genie and somehow become that worm yep with them exactly to know your worms that that would bring me into one of my hacks um if it's a hypothetical yes yes the answer is always yes yeah it's yes don't even break it down don't even say oh well what if no there's no like, Oh, like I got one. Would you love me

if I lost my arms and my legs? Right? Yes. Well, see, do I want to break down the fact that no, I'm not going to, I'm going to have to take care. No, no, there's no rationality involved in this. I tried to rationalize my way through it. I was like, okay, let's flip's flip the situation i have no arms and legs we've only been dating for and they just blindly say yes and you're gonna take care of me for the rest of my life yep doubt it yeah but the answer is yes but this is where i get in my conundrum because i always try to be honest it's just like all the time exactly yeah you will this was your biggest pitfall in your prior relationship sometimes you don't it's not even being honest yeah just leave some shit out you know what i mean yeah well i mean for him it's not like he was lying about like oh i wasn't like i there was there were no girls there it wasn't like anything

it wasn't serious like that it was like yeah it was something like would you do this and you just be like no and he'd give like the actual answer. Yeah, and he'd be like, well, in this scenario, where this, blah, blah, blah, yes. It's like just giving the answer they want to hear to a scenario that's never going to happen is never going to harm you. You're never going to be put in that scenario. She's like, you said you would do it. And if that one crazy scenario does come up,

I doubt the, but you said you wouldn't, is going to come up. But no, I take that back. I know, yeah, you never really do. See. I don't fucking know what's going on. Yeah, it's hard when you have no clue what's going on. And then I'll fucking say some white lie and just think about it for a week. Fuck yeah, dude.

She's sick, dude. Fucking love this. She's like, she's going to find out. She should have just said, fucking, I'm warm. Well, yeah, I just had another dumbass shit I've had to apologize for. Just going anywhere or doing anything that she liked without her.

Even if it's literally like, oh, I I thought we were gonna get Chipotle this week like I just got it on the way home from work you know what I mean and she's like well we were supposed to go tomorrow I was like I'll get it again she's like well you're not gonna enjoy it as much I was like oh holy fuck it's just fun shit you know what i mean yeah i got those are fun and i do i do love the portion of that right there is that you projecting your feelings saying that i won't enjoy it saying your feelings for you like i i used to eat chipotle five days a week i will love to eat it back back days she's like well i just i haven't had it in a couple weeks and i thought we were going to go together and i was like holy shit yeah or just you you wouldn't you won't like this as much or you won't want to do it it's like you don't get to decide yeah dude

my fucking tell what i want less than a whole day like i forgot what i ate yeah i don't even remember what the fuck i ate this morning yeah it's all good and i actually don't yeah yeah especially for you you could eat you can eat the same meal for seven days in a row. You got any, uh, I got some all time ones. Yeah. Give me some, some classics. Yeah. Um, I told her I was going to come and she said, don't. And then I did anyway. What is don't mean? Don'ts my trigger word. I was i was i started just laughing i was and then she just got pissed and i was just like i mean what maybe don't do that to me yeah you stop um so the classic cheating on her in a dream or just doing anything sketch in a dream oh apologizing for cheating on her in a dream or apologizing for oh you cheating on her in her

dream her dream yeah yeah i thought you woke up you would never bring that you woke up and said i cheated you on you in a dream and then apologized for that i was like yeah wow yeah you should that's a new fucking level that's a new fucking you should apologize to yourself for oh yeah if you wake up and you did anything sus in a dream the night before you're in the doghouse yeah you might as well just fucking done it yeah you're done um But going on top of that, so I get like – you know how we have our night – or what is it called? Sleep demons. Sleep demons, like after you go on like a bender or something. So it was like a hungover day.

She was gone. I had been playing Fortnite for like four hours, and I had some like night terror where I like was supposed to be hiding from someone. So like I was like half asleep and for some reason got up and hid in the closet and she came in the room and I'm still like fucking, I'm not really there, but she thought that I was just cheating on her for some reason. Cause I was in the closet and I was like, yo, I was just fucking, I was just dreaming. Cause like, I guess in my head, like fortnight I was supposed to be hiding or something. The worst part is it's hard to rationalize hiding in the closet. That's it yeah

i gotta get no one there why would i be hiding that might be a fair one though i gotta give her credit it's us it's us yeah but why would i be hiding i mean i get that but it's us yeah okay um this one's pretty good so she got pushed by a girl at the club and my phone was on airplane mode and i was sleeping and i was supposed to not have my phone on airplane mode or be sleeping or be sleeping and go and get her ah yeah I mean you should you should know that one's on you that one's on me you should have woken up when you knew she was in turmoil yeah that's fair you should you don't have those yeah you should have that mom sense like when a kid dies in a movie and they yeah that's fair I should have I should have just woken up and you should have woken up called her and be like you almost shouldn't have even woken up. You should have woken up, called her, and been like, I'll be there in five. You almost shouldn't have even woken up.

You could have just in your sleep called her an Uber and had her just come right over. Yeah, you should have been there at the bar waiting. Yeah. Yeah. You should have just been with her, obviously. Okay, this is another one of my favorite ones. This is actually one of the two reasons why we eventually finally broke up. So I was supposed to promise I would never get a tattoo again.

And in my head, I'm like, this is the fucking dumbest thing ever. And I said, no, like, I'm just, I'm not, I'm not going to keep on like saying I'll never do stuff just because you thought about it. Dates a guy with a fucking full arm sleeve right after. Like, do you think they realize that shit or no? I think, I think that's just a level of like some controlling ass bullshit just because you didn't have any, when you guys first met, she's like, I can tell him not to get it it but because the other guy already had it she's like what am i gonna do here well no her whole thing was controlling yeah her whole spiel was her whole entire deal was to molding you into the insert power dynamic right here it was just like you

were young enough where i think she just felt like she could just mold you into whatever she wanted you to be because you were such a bitch you would have done done it. There's nothing I could have done there, though. I don't think so. This is one more I had that was one of our biggest fights. I didn't wish her good luck on a test that she was taking at 7 a.m. because I was sleeping, even though

I did wish her good luck the night before and I checked in the minute after the test was over. We've got to stop sleeping. Yeah. What we learned from this conversation is no sleeping. There's no sleeping with a girlfriend.

Yes. It's kind of like having an infant. You know what I mean? Yeah. But instead of like crying all the time, they text you all the time. Phone on loud. Yeah.

Phone on loud. Yeah. You should have. You should have your Apple watch on with the vibrate turned on and phone plugged into a Bose speaker at full volume so if you get a bing it fucking startles you

you need a your own girlfriend tone so you know it's her because if you wake up for another text fuck that because if you say you were tired because you woke up

because your friend called you and needed something and then you guys were supposed to do something the next day like a picnic and you were tired for it you're in trouble

you're in trouble so it needs to be just for her yep okay we really been through here yep i'm glad we uh started with that one because that was the one i had the most like a lot yep i had to stop myself from writing down more because it was just rapid fire continue so is the moral of this story girls stop getting mad at us for doing dumb shit or we should just continue to apologize for all this? No, then we got the don't sleep. No sleeping is first on the list. Don't sleep. Don't do anything that could ever upset them.

Hypotheticals. Hypotheticals, yes. The answer is yes. I am sorry. Yeah, I am sorry. I'm sorry. Be sorry. Be sorry. Yeah. I am sorry. I'm sorry. Be sorry. Yeah.

Be sorry. I think, I mean it. I think if you want to take the easy way out, the answer, like there's two routes you can take here. The easy way out is don't argue your point at all. It doesn't matter.

Say you're sorry and mean it. Okay. The other route is you can try and try and break down centuries of fuck ups from guys and girls across the world. And lose. And lose, yes. Any answer besides I'm sorry is a fat L. Do we want to do biggest fumbles or biggest simp stories? Let's do biggest.

I don't have any good simp ones. You don't have any good simp stories? I don't. I don't have any great ones. You're the only one who's simped up. I feel like you simped hard. Let's do some fumbles. Fumbles?

Okay. You want me to go? Yeah. In seventh grade, I just had to start from like... From ground zero. Yeah. So in seventh grade,

I had a friend, I told a friend over World of Warcraft to break up with a girl for me at school before I got there the next morning. That's a power play, actually. Yeah. I'd say that's not even a fumble. Seventh grade, that's a move.

That's a standard move. Seventh grade was like when you ask your friend to ask a girl out for you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, so I can ask a friend to break up with her for me. Yeah, 100%. That's well within your rights. That's well within boundaries in the seventh grade, for sure. Okay, perfect.

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Now back to the show. Now back to the show. Mine is way different. This is one of my favorite fumbles. It was when we were in Cabo, all of us. Me and Morg were in the hot tub. We were talking to these girls who were i was 27 at the time and i think they were 20 21 yeah was this our cabo trip last may or whatever two days ago um

we're all sitting in the hot tub and we're talking whatever and they're like oh we're 20 they're like asking me what school i go to i'm like oh i'm older i'm not in school yeah and they're like oh how old are you and i said my age and she called me a boomer older i'm not in school yeah and they're like oh how old are you and i said my age and she called me a boomer and i was like yo what the fuck i'm 27 and then while i'm sitting there trying to absolutely rebuild my case from ground zero because i just got taken down like the towers oh you just i was all the way down it morg sitting there like yeah i'm 21 yeah fuck this old dude i'm 21 what's up i go to u of a yeah just met this guy he's a boomer uh that was a rough one um i'm just gonna start with my worst

one of all time and the worst part is it was relatively recent i know you guys know this one uh preemptively called a girl my girlfriend to some other guys and caused her to run for the absolute hills. Oh, yeah. We love that. So a little, I mean, I don't want to get too deep into the story because it was recent. I'll get into it. But, yeah, I was just getting, like, called, like, weird. People were, some guys were, like, saying, oh, you're being weird with this girl.

And I was, like, I was just, like, defending myself because I, like, knew her decently. I was, like, I wasn't being weird. That's my girlfriend was like i was just like defending myself because i like knew her decently i was like it wasn't being weird that's my girlfriend or something something along those lines and then they went and told her and uh that was probably the last last time i ever saw her yeah that's why the context is so fucking important because like a lot of the times you could like open with that stuff and it's like funny like oh you're my girlfriend now right it's like funny thing that's worked with a girl i've met for one night yeah and then you know this happens and it's like morgan usually says he loves them and that they're gonna get married oh i open with he puts their name in there as blah blah blah my girlfriend yeah so that can work so it just it yeah and it has worked before

so i just went for it yeah never say to dudes but yeah you don't say you don't say it to guys who i didn't know were friends with her better friends with her than i am so they were trying to have her back i was trying to like let them know i wasn't being like some random weirdo yeah but it didn't it didn't go well it sucks that you look like a random weirdo though that's see that's where that's fucked up yeah that's where it hurts the most and i love where in that story she calls you out on it she's like did you call me your girlfriend yeah and you're just oh yeah we could just see me like we had a long conversation by the way i was like me trying to explain like why i said that not realizing like she was like good friends with these guys it was

just down bad down bad moment for sure yeah that's dumb so yeah so we're all down bad yeah yeah um biggest fumble so this is before i lost my virginity. And I was like, kind of, I did this girl for like two weeks. It was huge, but that's big. So, um, she had like just come back from college or something. And like, I was trying to get her to come over and she was like, no, I can't come over or something. I was like, but I made my bed. I'll never forget. He was sitting there. He texted me, but I cleaned my room and he shows me and my friend that text and we're just like oh you blew it

I made my bed for this shit you're really not gonna come through that's that's down sad yeah that's all time low for sure um this one comes from

one of our good friends Brian Coburn um I thought you blasted his name yeah Brian Takao Coburn um he is blacked out at a frat party with his girlfriend I thought you blasted his name. Yeah. Brian Takeo Coburn.

He is blacked out at a frat party with his girlfriend. And he had maybe been doing some sus shit on his phone. Oh. And she says, let me see your phone. And his answer to that problem, so he doesn't have to show her his phone, is to throw it on the ground and stomp it out. Right in front of her. Right in front of her. I've done this. I know you did this too i was in an uber and i snapped my fucking phone in half and threw it out the window i was like fuck it i was like i was just

like this is so fucked boom i've done that multiple times yeah in the same relationship i was like this is so fucked up. Boom, out. I think, and then the best part about that story for Brian is I'm pretty sure she comes home and like goes on his laptop and looks at the text. Just sees him anyway. Oh no.

But his drunk, blackout brain was just like, can't do it if it's broken. Right in front of her, that isn't the most sus thing you could ever do. Yeah, just like, okay. I'm willing to smash my phone and show you what's on here there's definitely something yeah something's up fucking that's something real bad is up but how do you guys uh go about that situation though i don't i don't

keep any such shit on my phone yeah well no so i my thing is if it has anyone if it has any other guy involved i will never let him see it just because it's not it's it's not it's like it's not your relationship on the line it's not it's like it's not your relationship on the line it's an invasion of their privacy I'm not saying I'm doing such shit

but it's an invasion of the guy's privacy well first of all just don't do such shit which is yeah it's not that hard to navigate

but sometimes shit that isn't sus can easily be perceived as sus yeah because I mean guys say just dumb shit all day

well yeah and like I don't know outside of like yeah if your girl wanted to see your phone and you haven't been like texting other girls or doing any of that,

even just a group chat with your boys, they're going to get upset about it. Well, yeah, I got in trouble for fucking just like making fun of like one of her friends like in a group chat and then she saw it. And I was just like, you don't know that we all roast this girl what the fuck yeah like guys don't shit on girls or like girls don't shit on guys yeah what it's not like it was like a direct fucking girlfriend of anyone or anything like that but i think i mean going through phones is just i'm not i'm so much sure so much is just out of context yeah i'm sure you could like check to see who I'm talking to. Like, but I mean, it's just not,

it's not going well either way. I mean, I feel, yeah, it's like, even if you're not like texting another girl, there's, it's like guaranteed there's something they're going to find that they're not

going to like, just because that's all they're looking for. Yeah. They're not looking for it. I mean, I, I had a, I'm on the side of never look at it.

Like I trust you. I would never fucking look at it. I have, I have full trust yeah and even so for more so for guys because if your girlfriend's hot guys are gonna try they're gonna get yeah there's gonna be guys in the dms like sending heart eyes or fire emojis or whatever all the time so i in my last relationship was very aware of that and fine with that and i was like yeah like that, we would be looking at her Instagram

and there'd be like eight DMs on there and I'd be like, yeah, that's probably just some guy trying to hit. But one time, DMs did pop up while we were on her phone looking at stuff and I saw that she was replying to them. See, that's us.

And I was like, oh, so I was being way too trusting here. It's just one of those things. I, I, if I'm in the relationship, I'm, I'm fully trusting.

So like until you give me a reason not to, but like seeing some shit like that. Now, now we're having a conversation. Trust is fully obliterated. Now we're having a conversation. Now it's all come rushing back, dude.

Yeah. Cause I mean, I'm sure you had that with, with your ex. Yeah. So, I mean, I would never normally look at a phone,

but like if it's, she was so like concerned about my phone i was like wait it's probably because she's fucking there's gotta be a reason and i've never fucking like actively fucking texted another girl like trying to hit on another girl with that with a girlfriend no but i was like why the fuck is she so concerned with my phone and she was sleeping and like a dm popped up and i was like fuck it motherfucker like she had been talking to some fucking dude and i was just i remember this son of a bitch dude i'm a cuck i think i think that's a life hack right there anytime a girl is overly concerned about you about something specific it's almost always that they're doing something along it's it's more often than not absolutely i mean we talked about. It's like when they question you,

like, oh, have you ever, like if they bring up, like they want you to tell a story about something or they're talking to you, they want you to say something, it's because they want to tell you something. Exactly. Yeah.

Well, they want to levelize the playing field. They want to make sure it's okay. They want to make sure they're not instantly down. They want to make sure, okay, what you did is either worse or equally bad so that I can tell you and then we're even or i'm less bad than you it's so yeah fuck dude we're so fucked oh we're so fucking morgan's crying i just don't know what to do i don't know what to do we're just we're just a bunch of lost puppies i bro. I tried my best, dude. You tried your best? Yeah.

But fuck yeah, dude. Life is sick. Yep. Life be hitting. Girls are sick. Dude, I've tried. We tried. We've all tried. I tried so hard.

My life isn't fucking hard. You've got so far. I tried so hard. Okay, so relationship hacks. We've gone through a few of them. We've touched on a couple. Yeah, relationship life hacks. need these i think one we've already touched on which is just obvious just delete your instagram you don't have to get yelled at for her seeing yeah what is the point the girls that you follow you can't get in trouble for not posting enough pictures ever

you know you kind of just alleviate a whole segment of shit show you can get involved in. If you got rid of socials completely, that would eliminate liking another girl's picture. Exactly. Following another girl. Following another girl. DMs from other girls. The not posting enough or reposting or good enough captions.

Or commenting on her pictures enough. All of that is out the window that might be or trying to explain why you follow this one girl and having to lie and say she's a friend from high school but she has like two million followers and none of your friends follow her all she posts is ass pics oh shit well i started following her before we met why is there a link to her only fans on here why why do you have your only fans get rid of your fucking only why why do all of your posts or just fuck delete your instagram

get rid of your phone get a motorola razor yeah get a fucking pager yeah you get a pager and you are out yeah no that's so that's a that's might be too far because you have to be able to text back not if you ever not if you don't if you don't have the ability to be broke yeah get cricket wireless and fucking sign out my boy yep i like that my shit's still red yeah yeah because i mean it's so fire that's just yeah i need it to be red red hot morgan can you do yours the one that we came up with please deep breaths shut the fuck up more often than not shut the fuck up don't fucking talk yeah do not the answer to many

of your qualms would be shut your fucking mouth boy but so this goes right into uh my how to know when to break up with a girl is i would simulate in my head before every time I talked how it would turn into an argument. So then I would just shut the fuck up and say it. Yeah. Always shut the fuck up. Yep. You got to, you got to plan for the reactive conversation that's going to ensue.

And it's like, if there's even a chance of it being a bad conversation, why say anything? Dude, it would. I tried. In the end, why say anything? Dude, it would... I tried so hard. In the end, it didn't even matter. Why speak, honestly?

Dude, when it got to that point, I was like, I created hell. Yeah. You were living in your own pit of hell. Yep. I mean, I kind of hinted at this one earlier, and I think it's one of the biggest ones from Morgue that I've learned from Morgue.

White lies are kind of hinted at this one earlier, and I think it's one of the biggest ones from Morgue that I've learned from Morgue. White lies are kind of essential. Yeah. And what I mean by that, I know that. I know you can't, and I can't either. I think we need to separate the difference between a full-on lie and a white lie. Yeah, so, like, I can't full-on lie either. Like, I just don't. Like, if I'm actually in a relationship, I can't.

Well, you know how much anxiety that induces? Yeah. If it's a big enough thing, you're like, okay, let's be honest. The truth's coming out at some point. Yeah, that's the biggest thing for me. It's like whether it's from a slippage from a friend saying something, like you can't just outright lie about anything.

Yeah. But a white lie differs. Right, so for me, the white lies would fall into the category of when she gives you a hypothetical. The worm. Yeah, if it's, would you love me if I'm a worm? Yes, even though no. But, or. Yeah. If it's, would you love me if I'm warm? Yes. Even though no.

But, or. Even though no, no, no. Or like things like, you know, you say, oh yeah, no, I went to bed at 1130 last night. Even though you're out with the boys until two. Like it's like some. But like you weren't up to no good. Yeah. It's not that you were doing anything bad.

It's just like, it's not important to what happened. Yeah, like if they're going to get mad at you for staying up that late when you maybe have something to do with them the next day and then you were up a little later, but you're still up and you're fine and you're not tired. And you pop 40 mil of vanillies. Then why does it matter if I was up later than you wanted me to be? I am allowed to stay up as late as I want.

But is it worth the argument? Absolutely not. And that probably falls into the when you should know it's time to stay up as late as I want, but is it worth the argument? Absolutely not. And that probably falls into the when you should know it's time to break up with a girl kind of thing. When you find yourself having to do that for too many times in a row. Smaller and smaller things.

Not even things that are that crazy of a scenario. Like I ate lunch at 12.30. Yeah, exactly. Or it's like, no, I didn't have Chipotle with me. Yeah, that's the type of shit. When you're having to do that. Type of shit that has no bearing whatsoever on the actual quality of the relationship it's just something that they don't need to know if they're actually going to get mad about it then you know not to tell them

okay okay that work does that work for you yeah so this is um one i've kind of adopted use a lot of indefinites yes like ifs maybes maybes perhaps so they don't so you can't like fuck up and say like oh it should always be this way or like i always do this because then you fucked well because they don't forget shit yeah they don't and i don't remember shit exactly it's like i don't know i don't know what it is about women. They don't forget anything. And no matter what, it's going to come back at you. Even if it's not like a bad thing, they'll hold you to anything that was a certainty or a for sure or an absolutely. That's why we work in the maybe sector.

That gray fucking. We live in the gray, baby. Gray man. I'm gray man. I went so far as the fucking started journal of everything that i was fucking saying that's smart it's smart and crazy at the same time but dude i'm trying dealing with fire here baby you gotta be a little crazy if you're gonna deal with that you really do yeah like you gotta kind of put yourself in there dude they're whatever high top boots or whatever the fuck they wear um it's fucking i mean the rest of my hacks we kind of we

hit on yeah i think you hit a lot of the ones that i have fell into that just delete your instagram like yeah you if you're not doing that you need a separate account you need browser history's got to be cleared like if you have find my friends on with your girlfriend you fucked up yeah he blew that one you blew up already that's and good luck trying to sneakily turn it off once in a while oh well that's the thing if it's on you can't turn it off oh no you're you're she knows where you are 24 7 forever sign up and you know what she checks it every five minutes you're not together that's not good yes so just never never establish that as something that's okay yes i just don't know if that can be a good thing

no it never could i mean right that just shouldn't be something you should resort to to fucking looking it should just be like it it can be a good thing where like if there's an emergency right that's what it should be used for that's got to be deep in the relationship yeah yeah if it's used for you know like if it's that would be another scenario where it's like this, when I should be breaking up with my girlfriend. If I feel like I can't say I'm at my boy's house right now, and we're just playing video games or whatever. If I feel like I have to lie and say,

oh, I'm at the gym doing something instead of, like, I can't. See, it's like one of those harmless things. Yeah, but I feel like I have to lie about it. My excuse for not wanting to do whatever it is is not good enough for her to not get mad at me. So you just got to lie about it. Yes. Yeah, like want to hang out tonight. Oh, I had plans to hang out with the boys.

It's like, oh, no, I have work late. Yeah. So like I'm not doing anything sus, but like I just want to play some fucking Call of Duty with my friends. Need those. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Well, this goes back to stupid shit I used to have to apologize for, but falls into the white lie thing. Just like if I'm choosing to stay home and play video games,

like Call of Duty by myself instead of hanging out, not good enough. So you have to come up with something a little juicier. Number one hack, don't do anything fun if it doesn't involve her. Yeah, 100%. They hate video games because we can have so much fun. If you have fun and she's not a part of it, you just shouldn't have done it. Nope. You fucked up.

You blew it. I think there should be at least two days a week where you guys don't hang out unless you're engaged or married or live together yeah even then it's like there should be nights where i'm allowed to be in the man cave just playing video games all night and then i'll come to bed do everything together yeah yeah um and i think this is a good transition point we kind of went over our fuck-ups uh our relationship histories, things that we've done wrong. And it's obvious that we didn't do well in those. Maybe you're not the best experts on that.

That was a learn from us on what not to do. I think this next is we have some, like what you should do. Sure. Oh, are we going to say some hole smashing? Well, no. Like this is like the non did well on relationships but like talking to girls like tips oh talking to girls yeah oh we're just gonna talk about like like

like maybe some first date things um what are the other things i had on here uh some dating apps do's and don'ts i kind of like morgan angle on this a little bit wait should we just all say one thing that we did well yeah you oh you want to hype yourself up i mean i feel like we need a relationship i think we've established that not that we're pieces of shit but we didn't handle we didn't know how to handle things right we're confused so i think that is good if you can think if you can think of some things that you've done well yeah i'd like to hear them yeah i would like to i i know that all of us have done really things that in most relationships people be like oh my god yeah like i think that's the dream man right i think we've all gone above and beyond in many scenarios so yeah i

redemption time we'll call this redemption redemption mode redemption song after that you guys full 50 minutes of beating ourselves a shit yeah you get oh i'll give you 60 seconds okay so um for our anniversary i wrote out 365 things i loved about her so she could read one a day for a whole year see that's sweet you cannot beat that my boy that's pretty good that's pretty good that's pretty good garrett i'm struggling around it was a long relationship it was a long hey everyone simmer the fuck down yeah why don't you go and I'll try to make something up? Let's see. Let's see.

Let's see. Oh, I think this is a good one because it calls back to it. So that test that she got mad at me that I didn't wish her good luck for. I spent four days straight studying with her, quizzing her, helping her study habits and teaching her how to do better on the test. Because before I started helping her, she was getting like 60% on it. And I was like, hey, these are the way the phrase, the questions phrase, this is what they're trying to ask you. After that, we're talking 90%. So I like spent time like doing all that, just helping her out,

trying to just, I asked her, hey, come over, we'll study, those sort of things. Just very supportive. Just a backstory, that thing that I supposedly fucked up on. Exactly, yeah. So there was some good leading into that that ended up getting shit on and so forth. Well, the only reason I can't think of some super specifics is because it was just such a long period of time.

Yeah, you have a lot. I have a lot. But I'd like to just generalize and say I was always very supportive, always on her side, even when I didn't want to be. You know what I mean? Yeah.

Like a lot of the shit. Which was every time. Yeah. Which was every time. Yeah. But just, you know, I was a nice guy. You know?

You wasn't. To her, yeah. Yeah, I was. This is one I'm not proud of but i did it um the this was redemption you're gonna go right back well no i was willing to do it but i'm not like i didn't gain the value from it okay okay so pure sacrifice yeah so i had to read a book what the fuck was it about love languages i think it was oh shit i offered to read a fucking book about just like getting better at being a boyfriend and it just i mean it was written by a girl and it just wasn't very i

i didn't know what to do with it yeah because like i don't i don't like fucking sit there and think like oh i have a love language that i need fulfilled like yeah yeah for some reason they always they know theirs yeah i'm like i like all that shit bring it on yeah i mean i i don't expect a lot yeah just because i feel like people that expect a lot out of anything just well you're just setting yourself up for letdown yeah yeah i'm happy with very little yeah it's that i think that's almost like a really good point it's just like i feel like all the shit we get in trouble for or whatever that like seems really stupid is just because they expect so much and we don't think like that because we don't

expect shit. The only reason this relationship exists is because I like you as a person. I don't expect you to be anything overcompensating because there's nothing to compensate for. You're cool. I like hanging out with you. That's it. Or I think, and this is a generalization, it's not all men, not all women, but

in general, for me at least, men overarchingly think i like this person everything that they're trying to do is not to hurt me right yeah yeah like if they do do something that makes you upset or you're not like oh they purposefully did that yeah like so you're willing to be like that's a big it was an accident out of pocket as fuck but i've never experienced anything like that how many small things that a girl will get mad at and think that you just are trying to not love them as much or whatever. And you're like, oh, it's not that.

It was just a mistake. It was, you know, I didn't know that you needed this type of thing or whatever. So overarchingly as men, we're like, when something happens to me that makes me upset in a relationship, I will typically be like, they didn't mean to do that. Yeah, well, I would usually chalk it up to like a lack of knowing that it would upset in a relationship i will typically be like they didn't mean to do that yeah well i would usually chalk it up to like a lack of knowing that it would upset me exactly for them they're like oh this was intentional yeah i'm like no it's just a lack of knowledge that this would make you upset yeah it's just like now that i know obviously never doing that again but

they're like looking for reasons that like it was purposeful the amount of most people don't do anything on purpose no especially not to someone you're in a long-term relationship with. You're like, in what universe would I want to be under fire from the person I hang out with the most and love the most? Like, what? It doesn't make sense.

It doesn't make sense, but they just are quick to jump to you being intentional with bad shit. The basis of every one of my arguments in my last relationship was, I wouldn't do it that way yeah and my point was we're different it's not something that like is a generalized like oh everyone does this this way yeah nothing is it's it's like if it was something like that yeah I

fucked up yeah like I would if it's very black and white yeah but if it's like oh i like hot coffee instead of iced coffee and you brought me iced coffee it's like i just didn't know that yeah i wasn't trying to be a fucking piece of shit yeah that's something right off the bat if someone were to get mad at me for that we're ending it right there like i'm telling you if we're going that micro yeah fuck off i brought you coffee because you're like busy at working from home or whatever and you're mad that i didn't get you and then even then i'd be like okay well here's my iced coffee and i'm i'll drink the hot one i don't give a fuck um okay it's redemption hour's over it's so funny because what we keep on getting back to is just we're fucked oh yeah

we tried to redeem it all and we're like we're still in trouble for dumb ass shit like the wrong we still don't know what to do you got me the caramel syrup instead of the vanilla what i mean i don't think we're trying to find out what to do here because we i mean it's just a it's a we're trying is this whole episode just accepting defeat i mean we're trying, my dudes. Well, I think that was our exploring the universe episode. You know, at the end of the day, I'm not sure if we learned anything from that other than... We're trying. We just don't really know what's going on.

We know what we don't know. We know what we don't know, which is almost everything. Yeah. We figured out what we haven't figured out. Yes. And this was kind of just a brief recollection on how we got to where we are and why we're still in the same place that we started. It's why we're still at the starting line.

Tortoise and the hare and we're still not even starting. I hope we didn't scare off any future suitors. We tried so hard. I'd like to think we left it all on the line on this one. Episode 22, down bad. Down bad us. No, but we love you all. Thanks for listening to another hour of us jackasses

talk about shit that we know nothing about. Yeah. That's kind of what we do every week. This one we just really knew less than most. hour of us jackasses talk about shit that we know nothing about. Yeah. That's kind of what we do every week. This one we just really knew less than most. Yeah. Other than that, we still have our shirts. We got the Mommy Daddy merch.

Mommy Daddy merch for sale. Link's in the bio. Link is in the biography. And then if you want to submit to the show, just DMS on Instagram or wherever. Me and Morg will be up in Sacramento this weekend playing a show. If you're up in NorCal, come check us out Sunday. Um, the ticket info and everything's on our Instagram and,

we're going to go cry. We're going to, we're going to have, this was, this was, uh, this was, this was a let it all out.

We're going to go kind of got riled up and then brought down. Yeah. And riled back up again. We're going to have a good cry. Um, until then, uh, we will, we'll try to bring up the spirits before next week's episode. We love you guys. See you later.

Peace.