NO FOMO - 5. Nice, Smart, Funny Guys

Episode Date: March 1, 2022

NO FOMO. Welcome Back Fomo Sapiens. This week we introduce the new Down Bad Segment and play Truth or Drink until we're absolutely sauced. Let's evolve together.

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to No FOMO, episode five. The boys are back. We're feeling fucking horrific this morning. As usual, what's fucking new? It's a bad one. Oh, guess what? Morgan didn't sleep last night. Oh, guess what?

I only got a couple hours. Jay, what's your fucking deal? What's your problem? Mentally broken. You just snapped in half. Took me an hour and a half to set up again. Aside from the usual degeneracy, big announcement coming up. We're playing at the Hollywood Palladium with Side Piece this weekend.

It's going to be lit. No, but really, we're super excited. We're playing with Side Piece at the Hollywood Palladium Saturday, March 5th. Hopefully, this will be out by the time that happens. Come check us out, baby. We're going to be slapping some fucking dank beats. That's what we do.

We're going to be beaten out. We don't just... We're going to be beaten off. do we're gonna be beaten out we don't just we're not we're gonna be beaten off we're gonna be like aside from you know contrary popular get it out king contrary to popular opinion we are not just podcasters we're we're music producers we're john too john's actually you don't want to hear this music yeah we beat off really um jay aside from uh film on news what else is popping in the world what's going on you well you know i'm always Yeah, we beat off for a living. Jay, aside from FOMO News, what else is popping in the world? What's going on?

Well, you know, I'm always thinking about my boys. Of course. And we've had a couple of issues going on amongst the boys. And I was like, you know what? I've got to find a solution. A little bit of inner turmoil. And what better solution is there than an app? You know?

Solves everything. An app for every problem. It makes sense. So I came up with one for each of you guys. The app lord. We each have our own? You got an app for us? Each one of you guys got a fresh app.

This is the pitch. This is the pitch meeting. You tell me if it works. I want mine. You want yours? All right. You ready? Yeah, I'm ready. Did those three bubbles pop up and then disappear?

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Shut the fuck up. You did not. You fucking asshole. Casper Premium will connect you with our ghost experts who can coach you through responses and make sure you never foretext or get ghosted again. Oh, wow. Oh, my God.

Five-star rating, 10 out of 10. I'm horrified. Tell me you're not downloading that app. Holy fuck. I need the beta. I need a pre-launch. The beta's coming. The beta's coming.

I am horrified. That is fucked up. About what's going to happen. Jay, that was fucking good. I don't know how to start a good app. That was fucking good. That was good. I'm like, Loki.

Patented, patented, patented. Loki, I fucking need that. I need that stat. No, I'm so scared. It should be. My God. Is plan B sometimes your plan A? Oh, fuck.

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Oh my God, Jay. Holy shit, dude. You're coming up, bro. You're different. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. You are different.

You are different. If that doesn't show you why he is the third and most important member of this show, fuck me. Holy fucking shit balls. Wow, Jay. That was impressive. I think we could all download all of them. Those are fucking gas.

Wow. What state of mind were you in to conjure this shit up? Like I said, I'm just thinking about my boys. Just always thinking, bro. Always thinking about the boys. He's just a smart guy. When I hit that Wednesday text, I'm like, hey, we need some stuff for the pod. He's just like, I'm going to bury everyone.

He said, I got you. Wow. I'm really proud of the names, too. I think those could catch on. Four Dash? Four Dash is good. And Casper's fucking great. You put some time into that. Well, you know. That's what I do for the boys. The kid too. I think those could catch on. Four Dash? Four Dash is good. And Casper's fucking great. You put some time into that.

Well, you know. That's what I do for the boys. The kid shows up and shows out week after week, and that's why we love him. Make it up. Give it up for John Mark. Appreciate it. Give it up for J-Sus.

Give it up for J-Sus. J-Sus. Taiwan John's back. Wow. So suspicious. I love that so much. I love this guy. I love that so much.

Wow. That's it. That's the whole episode. All right, ladies and gentlemen, we'll catch you next Monday. That is all we got. Yeah, that's it that's the whole episode that's alright ladies and gentlemen we'll catch you next Monday that is all we got that's all we need I can't even think

after that fuck holy shit dude Loki need the what else we got popping I mean what else happened I don't know do you have anything good that happened this week anything bad that happened this week I don't really think I can I got a best worst I don't think I can honestly talk about anything good that happened this week? Anything bad that happened this week? I don't really think I can really say.

I got a best worst for myself. I don't think I can honestly talk about anything that I did this week on record. I've been a bad boy this weekend. Yeah. So you go ahead. So this is just a best worst for myself. Best was, so for those who don't know what a no wiper is, it's when you go number two and you go to wipe and it's clean. It's clean. It's a clean shoot. Ghost wipes. Yeah. Ghost wiper is it's when you go number two and you go to wipe and it's clean it's yeah yeah it's a clean

shoot ghost wipes yeah ghost wiper yeah so um my best for this week as i had a hangover no wiper which is always a treat that's huge and my worst goes right along with that as i figured out a couple hours later it was not a no wipe there's a few things i gotta say yeah i have some questions the first one is is did you wipe did the first time or did you decide beforehand you're like no it's not a no wiper if you don't go for the wipe okay yes it seems like it was it's i had the wrong angle to say the least like you just you were wiping your back or something yeah i was up to my fucking C1, dude.

I just don't know what it is, but every episode you're just talking about poop. You've got something going every time. You've got some shitty stuff going on. You've got shit going on all the time. Jesus Christ. Some people have anxiety, I've got poop-xiety. You should have poop-xiety.

If you come back after a ghost wipe and there's no ghost. I just want to know without getting too graphic. Yeah. At what point did you like realize that you might need to double check that? When you know, you know is all I'm going to say. You had a little itchiness or what? When you know, you know.

You know. Yep. Okay. That's all I got for that. Wow. All right. Well, shit. Yeah.

I don't know if I necessarily have a best-worst this week. I just feel like it was a pretty even keel week. Even keel. Pretty, yeah. Your life is even keel. Yeah, I'm a very balanced, just kind of mellow. That's not even a saying. Mellow type of guy.

Is that even a saying? Is there anything that you do that's balanced? Even keel? You better do some secret yoga and kale salads to fucking balance out that life. It's going to take a lot more than that to balance this shit out. But what do we do? I mean, yeah, we got into a couple things last night.

We went to Deadmau5 last night at the new Insomniac Club in San Diego called Nova. That was fucking lit. It was. He threw down a fucking lit techno set, and he was just torching cigarettes the whole time. It was so epic. That's the best.

I wish I would have seen that. Wait, that's the guy with the mask, isn't it? Yeah, but he doesn't wear it the whole time oh I was gonna say he's torching him through the mask that would be insane he's got a fucking

sig hole on that thing could you imagine he needs to step up the game dude I'm sure he's done it yeah that's fair that thing has to open up for the sig hole

it's got a sig hole for sure can I put this in here yeah your mom's gonna love this clip and my mom's gonna love this one no we could we could break down the whole day yesterday really if i could remember a single thing that happened invite me blurb yeah yesterday

it was a blurb but you you guys had a big beer die game game right you guys oh yeah well the guys that beat you guys back-to-back games we obliterated back-to-back games. And they were the beer-die guys, right? Yeah, they run the die-as-life account. When you come up with a shirt that says USA beer-die team, it's like, what the fuck? Yeah, and then I slaughter them 11-3. It's not a good look. It was 11-3? Yeah, we destroyed them.

That's right, beer-die game. Aggregate score, like 22-6. Team USA. Just absolutely bodied them both games. It was pathetic. I was like, if I beat you for a third game in a row, you're giving me the password to the account, and it dies without my life. It's not yours anymore. Dude, he was doing the naughtiest shit in the world to us, dude.

With those overhand catches. Oh, what the fuck are you doing? Then he catches it like that. Jesus Christ. He's diving around like Spider-Man out there. Yeah, chill. And he tries to hit us pregame with the, oh, don't throw it to my side,

and then the first one, he like backhand snacks like that. I'm like, okay, dude, you got us. You don't get to come into our party and just try to hustle us,game with the, oh, don't throw it to my side. And then the first one, he like backhanded snacks. I'm like, okay, dude, you got us. You don't get to come into our party and just try to hustle us, dude. Well, we destroyed them. Yeah, thank God. Someone had to. Well, Jay, John was borderline like not even able to stand. I couldn't stand up.

When I saw you, you were like. Yeah, so many people were like, why are you falling down? People were literally like, John's blacked out. So you are the first down bad of the week? Yeah, first, but probably not the winner this week. No, definitely not the winner. We got down bad of the week.

Ladies and gentlemen, this is the down bad segment. We've been conjuring up some shit, sourcing stuff from different outlets, trying to bring it. Think of some fun segments for the game. We're just trying to find the most down-batted. It took a little searching because we're so down-batted. It took a lot to find someone that would beat us.

We're usually down-batted. That is the thing. The segment every week is just us. It's just us. The whole podcast is we should just... It's us being down-batted for the whole segment. And I am down-batting right now. No, I'm for sure down-batting.

Yeah, it's been... And if you guys have any down-bats, DM that shit. Feel free to DM them. Flood those DMs. But otherwise, we're going to be on the hunt on our own. And this week, I think we found ourselves a couple of choice candidates. We got the down baddest motherfuckers. Read that thing.

Morga, you want to fire us up? So we were just perusing Twitter. So this is just a Twitter game, you know. We're not going to say the username. We're not going to tag ads or whatever, but this guy's down horrendous. The tweet goes, and he tweeted this.

It's a public tweet. Literally anyone who has internet connection can see this. This isn't private. This is public information. And for the record, it got zero likes. So it goes, it reads, like with his fingers, he put this into the app.

I feel like I'd be a good boyfriend. Haven't got the opportunity yet. Tear emoji. What's the angle, dude? Let me say this. Someone give this guy a shot. Yeah, I mean. Because it sounds like he's fucking blown it up.'s got breakfast to give this guy some tread was this

like a cry for help or like what's the angle here is that supposed to get like are you is this was he was like fuck i i'm 26 i've never had a girlfriend maybe i'll just tweet that i've never had a girlfriend and someone will be my girlfriend yeah i'm single as fuck that's down real man he should have followed it up with a couple of like examples yeah because i'm really wondering now like what do you got what are you bringing um i'm just like what's wrong flowers on the daily what a plot twist though what if he's just a fucking asshole he's just a complete girlfriend was like holy fuck you're high

he just got out of a breakup he's like I feel like I'd be a good boyfriend. Oh my God. He literally brought up his girlfriend that morning and he's like, I need to go. No, he might be funny as fuck. On to the next one. We might have misread it. No, I think he's down.

That's definitely a tweet after he finally got the courage up to ask the girl that's been his best friend for four years. Like, hey, I think we should date. And she said no. And to get her to rethink it, he tweets that. Yeah. And she's just like, oh, I think of you as a brother and he's like and then he's like oh I'd be such a good boyfriend if just one specific person would give me the opportunity he thought

they were having a moment and the McDonald's drive-thru oh my god just down just down fuck man I'm just gonna I'm just gonna throw this out couldn't be me could never be me who else we got? Because that's going to be a tough beat. Yeah, that's... This is pretty much just every day for this guy. This guy just is down every day. But we got Kanye West.

Mr. West is in the building. He's real down. He's been on a fucking rampage. Hey, 2024 is going to be... Oh, yeah. It's going to be a big election. It's going to be a movie. I'll vote for him. I'm voting for him. Wait, was he going to be a big election. It's going to be a movie. I'll vote for him.

I'm voting for him. Wait, was he on the ballot last time? No, he backed out like a little bit before. I think he still got like a couple votes though. Oh no, I'm pretty sure he did. Yeah, some write-ins. Like a write-in. Yeah, I might have written that in. I'd vote for him. Yeah. Just because I want to watch this country burn to the floor. I'd write myself in, dude, next time. You can write yourself in for sure like a resume like got one vote in a presidential election that's pretty impressive special talents or where let's say you have any special skills well i wrote my own name in as a

as a candidate on the presidential election to expand on got more votes than obama last year he got zero call it a resume call it a resume. Call it a resume. That's the only thing you got to put on your resume. Nominated by myself. Nominated for president of the United States. That's all you need. Morgan, big brain bun just.

You have to write it in the next. I would love to see your guys' resumes. Back to genius, Mr. Kanye West. What the fuck's going on, bro? Wait, what's the documentary called? It's called- It's called Genius. Oh, it's called Genius?

No, okay. I will say before we get into how down bad Kanye is, like into the nitty gritty part of it, the documentary is fucking phenomenal. You guys need to watch it. So there's three parts. The first two are out. They're like an hour and a half each.

It is so fucking sick. I like most of the stuff he does, but the bad stuff is real down bad. Oh, no. It's still fucking great content. Yeah, great i love to read it i want to see this motherfucker actually actually run for president though he's going to 100 okay well he said it last time i just need to see he's gearing up for a big 2024 2024 is gonna be we got him we got the rock he's got to run against a rock dude yeah good luck i mean we got kevin hart yeah fucking just anyone might just be like a fucking

we should do a celeb year every year. Celeb year, yeah. Every other term should be like a celebrity. They don't get four. They just get one. They get one year. But after two real presidents, we get to just do a celeb. I guarantee The Rock's going to make it run for it.

Who would be real good to have up there? Dude, Dwayne said it. Dwayne The Rock Johnson. Yeah, it is about driving power. It's all about drive. It's all about power. It's all about drive. Dude, he's actually going to run and he probably will win.

I mean, he's got more followers than people vote for president. Yeah, literally. Yeah, he has like 100- He has the most followers. I think Ronaldo has the most followers on Instagram, but he's like second. Yeah, Rock has-

Rock, why am I calling him Rock? Why are we talking about this guy? I fucking hate him so much. He's got like 150 million followers. He's the worst person on earth. 150 million? Like not even that many people? That's half the country. Not even that many people vote in an election.

How many people vote? Like 55, I think. No, more than that. I want to say it's close to 100 million. That sounds about right. But like, not as many. That's still only a third.

He has more followers. Because kids can't vote. Well, it's also, and then old people can barely. Also, people who don't live in America can't vote. So a lot of people who don't live here fall in love. Yeah. You know what I think about a lot?

Here we go. Those are hit movies across seas. Imagine watching any fucking rock movie in Chinese. That's just not, it can't be good, right? Well, it's still, they don't dub. They just put subtitles. No, I bet they overdub. Have you ever been to Mexico? You think they

dub over The Rock? They dub over everything. Who does The Rock's dub in Mandarin? I'd love to hear it. And it's still hitting over there. Probably him. He probably fucking speaks Mandarin. That's true. Dude, he does it all. He probably put the time in. Yeah. He's about drive. He's rock solid. Oh, I would pay for that.

We might have to do a watch along. We might have to watch Fast and Furious fucking 10 in Chinese. He's in those two, isn't he? Yeah. What are we at? 17? I think it's at 10. 23?

Yeah. It's going to go to 50. Those are going to be going our entire lives. Yeah. Dude, somebody kill us. Those are the worst movies ever created take out that whole fucking group of people that's doing those dude

dude how about take out the whole group of people watching them which is called this entire country nuke us drop it no I did see a tweet from somebody in high school that was like oh Fast and Furious 9 is so good and I was like dude get out of here people really fuck like Spiderman the new one

which is a piece of flaming shit I was like, get out of here. Spider-Man, the new one, which is a piece of flaming shit, is literally the second highest rated movie of all time. It's the worst movie of all time. It's the most grossing movie of all time. It's the highest grossing movie of all time. The dialogue is fucking turd salad.

Sounds like it was written by a fucking third grader. Yeah. Oh my god. That was so bad. I hyped up that me and Isaac were like, oh, we're going to go to. Yeah. Oh my God, that was so bad. Jesus Christ. I hyped up that me and Isaac were like, oh, we're going to go to the movies on Thursday. It's going to be lit. New Spider-Man.

How many people were dressed up? I don't think anyone was dressed up. But within the first five minutes, I was like, this is fucking turd soup. No, they're terrible. All the Marvel movies suck fucking dick. Let's be honest. Those are fucking trash. You got to be off superhero movies at this point.

Dude, they're horrible. The only good one ever was like the first Iron Man and then the last Avengers was tolerable. Yeah. Everything else is fucking- And it was because it was the end. You're like- Yeah, I was like, holy fuck.

Thank God it's over, dude. I don't want to ever watch this again. Please be over, dude. The whole fucking movie, please. Thanos my ass. Please, dude. It's just fucking pathetic. Just fucking eating butteredcovered fucking corn.

Hey, don't fucking... Just watching a fucking... Don't hate on the calamity. Don't hate corn, dude. No, I'm not hating on it. I'm hating on the type of people that could watch this type of shit and actually like it. That's fair. Okay.

They're mouth-breathing, butter-stick-eating, and they live in Ohio. Just putting a stick of butter on the top of the corn. Look, Ohio just doesn't get it. Yeah. I'm glad the Bengals got fucking clapped by LA baby. Uh, did we have one more down bad?

What was the last down bad? Uh, was it, was it me or do we have more? By association, ski Davidson's down bad. Cause Kanye legally changed his fucking name. How does that work? He, he like, so Pete Davidson made down bad because Kanye legally changed his fucking name. How does that work?

So Pete Davidson made a new Instagram and he got fucking harassed so bad that he deleted it. And then Kanye posted... Mr. Butthole Eyes? He posted a screenshot of the deleted account and he was like, that's what you get when you come at me. Your name is legally changed to Skeet now.

Oh my God. You know what's fucked up about like instagram and all that shit is like all the press photos of like uh p davidson they like do the colorized shit just so bad yeah they edit the shit they butthole the shit out of dude i don't they almost golem them up yeah yeah like they make them look so bad i'd be pissed i don't get how anyone finds that guy remotely good looking i'm all for like skinny boy gang like yeah yeah but he's not just gonna say how do you think anyone finds you good looking it's the same i mean you know same reason anyone would find any insanely attractive skin around your eyes is the only difference we're looking at here eat my fucking ass no he's just like he looks

diseased he does yeah well he has a wait is he still is he still railing kim though yeah for sure he's like how you went railing. Well, yeah. I mean, yeah. Come on. I mean, which is like absurd. Wait, so he still is? Oh, yeah, for sure. I thought that was just a one and done.

He's raising Kanye's kids, dude. That's gold. They're calling him daddy. Uncle Skeet, dude. Uncle Skeet. Uncle Skeet? Uncle Buttle? Uncle Skeet.

Uncle Butt, dude? Yeah, it's crazy. Oh, my God. Uncle Butt, dude. I mean That's the fucking episode title You can talk as much as you want but That's gotta be tough to be Kanye's kid

He's blasting Kim Kardashian's cheeks That's pretty impressive Oh yeah How old are they now? Six, five, four Who what? The kids? I think I got it right there

Six, five, four They're like around I think I absolutely just nailed it What's going on? The oldest one might be like Almost ten I think north Oh The little girl Really? I think she's like Damn No she could be like might be like almost 10, I think, north. Oh, really? I think she's like, no, she could be like eight.

Do you know who's going to have a tough time? Is Lana Rose just had her kid. Oh, man. Oh, dude, the jokes about that. The best one I saw is she's posting a video with her baby. And one of the comments is, that motherfucker's a group project. Oh, fuck. Down bad, down bad.

Oh, my God. That's a group project. Like, there's no way. Do we know who's... I mean, it's a group project. Do we know who's the dad for that yet? Who isn't the dad for that? That's what I'm saying.

It's a group project. Plenty of people got claim on that. That's a 50-person group. There's a class action lawsuit over who's got the rights to that kid representing 40 plaintiffs do we even know if she knows i'm sure she knows i think she's like i'm sure she knows okay you're sure she's a professional okay she knows if she's about to get pregnant you know she's done she's been around the block professional is a weird word but she might be like married for all we know. No, she's not. Okay, good.

So you're telling me there's a chance. Is she going to be back soon? She's got enough content to fill up. She doesn't need to come back. I'd love to see her back. Don't ask me how I know anything. I'm just an all-knowing being. Holy shit.

Here we go. Group project, huh? I think if we had to pick a winner there, it's tough, but as much as we just shit on Kanye, I think it's boyfriend boy. I think it's the other guy. Kanye is just a recurring. If Kanye would have tweeted that, he wins.

Yeah, he for sure wins. I think it's got to be our boy. I don't even know his handle. If you're listening, I think it's got to be our boy. I'm not going to, I don't know, even know his handle. If he's, if you're listening, you know, if you did that, so sorry,

just, just hit us up. We'll help you out. We'll help you out. I'll come up with an app for you. Yeah, we got that. If you're about to tweet some down horrendous shit,

it blocks your fucking Twitter account. All right, ladies and gentlemen, it's time for a little truth or drinky. Round two of the truth or drink segment with your boys. Y'all ready for this? Y'all ready for this? First of all, I apologize to anyone listening.

My voice is fucking toast. Yeah, you're toasted out. I have to talk in like, you know when you have to like put a lot of effort into talking? That's just to not like squeak. That's where I'm at. So just so you know, this is taking a lot of effort for me. Okay? So don't say I didn't do nothing for the fucking culture.

We wanna go first. We're gonna demolish us, brother. Finish them. Oh no. What is the most embarrassing role play scenario you'd be into? I would be into? That's going to take some thinking.

I don't know if there's one I wouldn't be down to at least try. I can tell you the only thing that I have ever had to back out of was a girl was into, what the fuck was the name of the thing? I forget. She was into pretending that we were having a baby. Okay, that's fucked up. Oh, that's fucked up. So, like, I'm in there doing my thing,

and she whispers in my ear, she's like, can't wait to see its little feet. Fuck you! No, she didn't. Fuck you! No, she didn't do that. Fuck you!

And I remember verbally being like, what? Nut button? She didn't say anything. Nut button? I was like, okay, I didn't hear it. I didn't hear it. And then she's like, okay, what do you think we should name it? Fuck! I being like, what? Nut button? She didn't say anything. Nut button? I was like, okay. I didn't hear it. I didn't hear it. And then she's like, okay, what do you think we should name her?

Fuck! I was like, oh! Did you smash the nut button? Smash the nut button. I mean, I smashed the soft button. Bro, that is fucked up. That was terrifying. The closest I've ever gotten to that is a girl being like, oh, fucking impregnate me.

You know what I mean? Like, while you're in it. Wait, they've said that to you before? It's been said. These girls that you're talking to. This wasn't recent. This was ages ago. That was my only back out.

I was like a freshman in college. I remember exactly who it was. That's fucked up, dude. Should I say her name and we'll bleep it out? Yeah. No bleep. I don't know for some reason i'm thinking like lord of the rings something you wouldn't be in yeah what are you talking about i don't know about phrase the question what's the number one thing you're into

boom i'm gandalf and i'm about a gray i go i go full golem up in that cavern no i'm thinking i'm just sitting there right outside i'm sitting there my brush would you really would you really that's that's what I'm thinking like would you really not be down though you'd be down it'd be fun and I think I don't think there's anything I'd be embarrassed about it's more just like what would be funny would be fun yeah yeah I think I think the whole like like like the leash thing not even like related to like a dog but like being like dominated like that by girls not something I'm into you know what they

like walk you around you like slid not in there you're you're about to go like yeah you're about the question is what are you what would you be into not not you know oh not not well i'm saying that's the only thing i wouldn't be so you were so close to not saying not you were so close to being into it i don't want to be on a leash is the only thing i'm saying he wants to be that whole time i was seeing you on a leash okay put me in a kennel the word, put me in a kennel. And you slid the word not in it. Put me in a kennel.

Put a little treat tree outside. Open it up. I'll crawl out. Eat a little treat tree. So he does want this. What about, let me pitch you this one. Let's say we put like a bark collar on you. Like it'll shock me.

Yeah, it'll shock you. Oh, that's for sure you. You're into that. That's not. That's all you. I'm not. You're over there. No, I'm not.

Or like a little Shrek and donkey type thing. Oh my God. I thought we were doing things we were not doing. Yeah, not things we're 100%. You went one and two on my list. She's just calling you donkey the whole time? No, I think, I mean, I would definitely. Donkey.

Get out of my swamp. Yes, dude. I would say I would at least try anything you could ever think of. It might not go fully through, but I would at least try anything you could ever think of. It might not go fully through, but I would at least try anything for sure. She's like hitting you with the cocoa power ranger. You'd have to say something insane for me to not at least try it. Yeah, like imagine its little feet.

This isn't really a truth or drink, but just one I wanted to ask you. Just a fun conversation topic. What grip are you guys going with when you piss? Just a standard. What's the standard for you? on the shaft so like a joint grip like an upside down joint upside down joint i almost never touched what about a sig you never have you ever gone with the sig the singer that's i think that's how girls thought that we did it like that i kind of just like let it sit on my hand you don don't know. You put balls.

You cut the balls off? I let it sit like this. Oh, this visual is so good right now. I got both hands like this far out. Use both hands too. I'm a thumb down guy. I just push the end of the balls. I usually don't even touch it at all. I just pull down the waistband.

I would have had you pegged for a SIG guy for sure. Really? I don't have any SIG guys. I don't know. I hope there's no SIG guys. I don't think any sick guys i don't know i don't i hope there's no i don't think that's like a comfortable way to he's a he's a front wiper he's a sit while he pees i mean i figure he's a stakeholder for a stakeholder oh we're doing that to me yeah okay i got you done that to yourself boy i don't fucking which one are you trying to say you

don't do because i will say though a hungover sit p oh my god next level dude level no i'm not gonna lie i'm a huge advocate of the sitting down p i don't go for it often but like if i'm like tired or hungover oh yeah it's nice i'm gonna have to start doing that yeah it's it's honestly really nice okay you ever sat down in a urinary all right let's get some drinks in here yeah try dude get us a drink because I don't think you're going to be able to. Try and make me drink, bro. You're not ready, John. Try it. I love that I just read this. How much money would it take

for you to permanently break up with your girlfriend? Drink. Drinky drink. I think that's a drinker. I'll say this. I don't think there's a lot of girlfriend-based questions that aren't going to get me a drink. Hand it to me.

I don't know if there's a number here. I would just say there's no number you can say unless you want that to actually be true. Give him the Johnny Toes. I would like to ask her this question and see what number I could have said. She would be like, okay. Do you think there's a number I could have said?

And she'd be like, that's fair. I think a billion dollars is fair. A Billy's fair. Like in her mind, but I'm not going to say, I didn't say it. I didn't say it. I think in her mind, in her mind, I'd say a billion's fair in our mind. I'm like 40 bucks. Yeah.

I mean, I broke up with mine for free. So run me some numbers. Run me some numbers. Whoever's on that $1 bill. You got me. You got me. I'll take it. I'll take it.

What is the worst habit you have in bed? Have in bed? Yeah. Shitting it. Wait, are we talking sexually? Sex worse habit what do you think what do you think i thought dude you guys want to think i have i have my own oh yeah yeah for sure because i'm gonna um so usually this hits if you have to start with that all right i bet it's been off usually for the past 10 years this one hasn't been doing very well

usually it hits though but usually it's like a funny thing i already know what you're gonna say and it is bad and it just backfired so bad recently but i like to go for like a funny high five backfired so bad recently but I like to go for like a funny high five I just don't you've explained this one to me and when you told me about it recently I thought

it was a one time thing for you now that I know it's a regular it's bad no it's not every time it's not no wonder you never see the same girl more than one time damn son you walk on this just roleplay like we were talking about roleplay yeah I want to see this go down let me see this high five we know get on hit me with it get on top of them and show them how you do it get on top of i i'm let's we'll start from the end right here you guys

finished you're both rolled over wow that was that was mediocre that was average and then we're both oh my god you're so you're so big for it to be so small and then you're both kind of like laying there like kind of like not exhausted but like you know how you're so big for it to be so small and then you're both kind of like laying there like kind of like not exhausted but like you know how you're just like ah and then you just go well you're exhausted because you're you're the fucking missionary king oh you know words just throw up a high five yeah so like even in a normal conversation normally that's actually funny right like that's very you yeah like like oh good work yeah you gotta say something though if you just throw like imagine if i'm very it's like hey i've for sure gone for it no i mean like i for sure fist bump some girls like when i when i was when i'm dating someone i like i like if we'd done it before then i wouldn't say anything but yeah

i guess i don't know i've thrown some fist bumps with my tongues i can tell you right now i'm already upset from from that and we didn't even have bad sex. Like, if you already served up to my shit. I'm not even underwhelmed. If you high-five me at the end, I'm, ooh. In my defense, it's only backfired once. But it's never gone well. The reason why I thought of it is because it's so recently, but literally, she's like, she goes, are you serious, and leaves.

That's so fucking good. I'm on her side. Are you serious and like and like i'm pretty good at like playing off stuff and making it funny that one didn't work and i was like i was like was the high five that bad like in a joking way and then she no just leaves that's fucking incredible you're a fucking loser bro uh this one let's let's's say you said it usually doesn't go bad. What's going well? Yeah, I can't imagine it going well.

Are they like, they get up and they're like, fuck yeah. Yeah, and then they high five and they're like, that was a really good high five too. Not to mention. What kind of girls do you guys think I'm talking to, dude? It sounds like dudes. Yeah, it sounds like a couple. Hey, Nux, bro.

Dap me up, bro. Hey, yo, that shit was fine, my guy. Good shit, King. I'm trying to think of one for me. Wait, let me finish. You're not done? Yeah. This one always hits.

Of course he's not. No, no, I'm saying I'm trying to think of my bad habit. Yeah, I know. He has more is what he's saying. I'm saying I have one more. Oh, fuck. Okay. Wow, here we go.. This one always hits. No, no, I'm saying, I'm trying to think of my bad habit. Yeah, I know. Oh, he has more is what he's saying. I'm saying I have one more. Oh, fuck. Okay. Wow, here we go.

This one almost always hits. No, this one always hits. I wouldn't even call this a bad habit. It's just a funny thing that just always hits. It's the helicopter. Afterwards. You don't do that. I swear to God.

No, you don't. I swear to God. You stand up in the helicopter. Or do some cocking jacks. For the record, this is when a man like gyrates his hips so that his penis looks like a helicopter propeller. I swear to God. That's like on the same level as like a dick pic is never good.

A cock-a-copter is never good. Dude, they always think it's hilarious. Let's just put it this way. If you did it before you guys had sex, you're not having sex. Yeah, yeah, but it's funny after. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It usually goes a lot like this. You ever seen a helicopter?

It's funny after if you have no intention of ever seeing this girl again. No, they always think it's hilarious. Oh, man. Have you ever seen a helicopter? I would love to see like a fly on the wall, them thinking it's hilarious and like, oh, yeah. No, I could tell to see like a fly on the wall, them thinking it's hilarious and like, ha, ha, yeah.

No, I could tell a laugh, a real genuine laugh. Yeah, well. Might be it. Jay, do you have one? I'm trying to think, bad habits. Does Colin like a little toaster strudel when you get the towel count? Oh God. You know, here you go, my little toaster strudel. you get the uh the towel count oh god you know here you go my little toaster strudel you don't say that you don't say that that's way

worse than anything i've ever done that's the worst thing i've ever heard look at you my little toasty shrudy oh my god tell me i'm wrong though i mean yeah it looks like a little toaster strudel first time you go have you done that first time i mean it depends on where the glaze is I mean, yeah, it looks like a little toaster strudel. First time. Have you done that first time? I mean, it depends on where the glaze is. You did not say, here you go, my little toaster strudel to a girl. And then you just toss the towel. Oh, my God.

You've done that. This is real. I've done that, yeah. That's fucking good on you. That's actually fucked. Can I ask you guys a question? Because it's something I've been debating about. Please, John. When you do bring the towel back, right, can I ask you guys a question because it's something I've been debating about please John when you do bring the towel back

should you be the one to wipe or them I think this is a debatable topic here because I feel weird doing it I never wipe I feel weird doing it I've done both ways but I feel like it's mean to just handle yourself

I don't think I've ever done it I've never not done it. I don't. So you're just like, here you go. And you wipe that out. And you... Yeah. So you're like a sometimes guy,

you're an always guy, and I'm a never guy. So this is a debate. That's why I'm... Because I've never been sure, you know? Like I've done it both ways, and I feel bad both ways. I feel weird doing it,

and I feel bad. I feel like it's kind of degrading to make them do it every time you sick fuck i mean i don't i feel it feels bad no matter what that's what i'm saying is it i don't think it feels bad if you do it it feels bad it feels weird for me okay here's the thing in one of the scenarios it feels i feel bad for her and the other scenario i feel bad for both of us i just feel weird doing it if i'm cleaning up now i feel bad for both of us. I just feel weird doing it. If I'm cleaning up now, I feel bad for myself. Why? Because it just feels weird.

It's a little funky, yeah. Fair enough. Doing that pressure wipe you have to do. You got to go back and scoop. No, you're a half-ass wipe kind of guy. I don't. I don't wipe. But if you did, you would just be like,

Yeah, I wouldn't do a good job. That's why I leave it to the professionals. To the professionals, he says. Yeah. Do you have one? I'm trying to think. You don't have to think that hard. Pretty much everything.

I mean, anything I do, yeah. For you, probably busting and taking your shirt off. I don't fucking know. Fuck you. Getting naked. Yeah yeah just having sex having the lights on in the room uh i'd say like fuck i can't think of anything having the light being less built than the girl yeah when the girl weighs more than me that part sucks um not because she's fat because i'm skinny

for the record yeah people don't know that i'm 112 pounds 13 that's also a joke no it's not it's a joke because it's actually 95 no no i'm almost 150 pounds you're gonna hit your late growth spurt down to be 165 by two luminance in a week and a half yes i'm gonna eat a horse but no i you i know you know that you know that you have it. I don't think anything. It sounds like you got to drink. It sounds like you got to drink. I'll drink regardless, but I'm not hiding anything. I'm trying to think.

You look nervous as shit. I can see the sweat. No, I'm not nervous. I'm trying to think. Getting rejected time after time after time. Maybe having her fuck me. Straps out the knife. This having her fuck me. You know? This fucking guy, dude. The cut king.

I can't think of anything. The cut king. The king of cuts. I can't think of anything. The king cut. He's king cut. King cut. Captain king cut.

King cut. Ladies and gentlemen, king cut. The Egyptian prince. Okay. These are good. I'll try to think of something, but I really don't. I can't think of anything. How much money would it take for you to permanently break up with your girl? Okay. okay uh these are good i'll try to i'll try to think okay but i really don't i can't how much

money would it take for you to permanently break up with your okay uh yourself what's your worst sexual experience i kind of hinted at mine earlier yeah that no that's definitely by far the worst oh that's yeah oh not even because it was i didn't get to get into it like after that moment it was very uncomfortable that's horrid because like i i want to say that she prepped me with i forget the term for what it is it's like what kind of kink that is and i was like yeah you know i was like i haven't run anything yet like sure well let's do it and then when it happened and she did it and i was like yeah no i'm gonna that'm going to go. That is so fucking off. It was really uncomfortable.

Oh yeah. Like, don't just, cause there's no coming back. She was just like, Oh, we could just do it regular. I'm like,

no, we can't now. Pregnancy joke in general during sex with someone that you're not in a relationship with is not funny at all. Way worse than the helicopter. Like that's horrifying. And then the joke she made was like 10 times worse. That's what gets her off i can't

wait to see its little feet fuck no no she just goes don't you wish you were just poking some baby toes right now that's essentially what she said i love that for you that's good all. All right, what's yours, Morgan? I mean, most people probably think this is bad, but I can see the- I fought. He has to explain everything before he does. I can see the humor in most everything. Okay.

But so she peed the bed. Oh my God. Afterwards, and we woke up, and she was like too scared to say anything about it and like i wasn't gonna bring it up you know because he didn't know if it was you no i knew it wasn't me i don't do the bed um and yeah we just chilled up in that you guys are supposed to ignore it soaking wet bed chilled like you didn't even just try and like casually be like i'm gonna change the going to change the sheet. Nah, just chill.

Hardcore chilling for like an hour. That is fucked up. Hardcore chilling. You're just pruned ass in there from being in. Almost dried. That long. Shut the fuck up. I swear to God. You're trying to make sure every convo you have

doesn't relate back to being in bed. In her defense, it was after cuffs and fists in college, which is like when you are... Oh, so I know this person. So it's when you handcuff to someone and then you split a fifth together. It's a fuck ton of alcohol. Can you tell me who it is?

We'll bleep it out. Do you have one? Your whole fucking relationship? I mean... I was in a show for seven years I mean for the other person probably everyone but for me it's all vibes

it's all vibes if there was a Yelp review for Garrett Stroke one and a half stars come on bro dude I'd lay it down can you think of one not really nothing interesting some suspicious suspicious Dude, I'd lay it down. Don't fuck with me. Can you think of one? Not really. Nothing interesting.

I've drawn some suspicious blanks. I mean, I was out of the game for fucking seven years. I don't remember that vividly a lot of the shit, you know? Okay, okay. We'll give them a wash there. You're still drinking for the other one, though. Oh, I'll drink. Yeah, you got to drink.

I'll drink for both. You got to drink. I mean, my first time was probably the only one I can think of it just did not go well your first time ever yeah i think it's kind of impossible for it too right is it mine wasn't bad mine was was not good it wasn't bad but it wasn't good yours wasn't bad i was like damn that's what i've been waiting but the circumstances bad for yours was the circumstance up to of it it was the the just the circumstance one of my favorite quotes of all time goes into this what is it morgue bringing a girl back to or trying to get a girl to come to his house when he's his high school virgin oh yeah she says oh i can't like whatever and he says

but i cleaned my room this is facts. Like, wait. No. Like, she was going to be like, oh, are you all right? Oh, you did? Oh, I guess I have to come over now. What a fucking salesman. Oh, dude. I don't know what I was doing. That's fucking pathetic.

But I cleaned my room. And my mommy didn't even have to tell me to. As if I live with my fucking mom. Like, what is she? Anyways. All right. No one gets to drink here if you had to smash someone in this room who would it be that's only tough because yeah i really want i really want either option desperately you know what i mean? Yeah, it's tough. Have I had to pick? It's almost a philosopher's stone. Am I doing the fucking? Whatever scenario you want.

Shouldn't have said that. So I'm feet floor to ceiling getting hammered. I'm going to have to go with Jay just because you're too big for me, bro. That's fair. I don't think I can handle all that ass. I'll take that. Can I say both?

Yeah, can I say one from the front, one from the back? Am I allowed to? Can I cheat the question here? I'll allow it. Can I be honest and say both? Can I not lie and actually tell the truth? No, but if you had to choose.

That's the hard part part that's why you're putting me in the pickle yeah because i'm it's game on for either one i don't give a fuck it's more like how much is it going to cost me so you're not so you're not left out i'll pick you you know no okay so pity i mean for me it was honestly coin toss so the only logical explanation i can come up with is you're just a little bit too big i think it would be aggressive well you already know who I'm choosing. Love that. You already know. I don't even have to say shit. You'd spin me like

a fucking Ferris wheel. You'd spin me around like a little top. Like a Beyblade. Jay has a good one of these. Worst date you've ever been on. I have two and a half of these. Yes.

Give us the swindler. I'll just go, I'll kind of go from the top. Back in the early Tinder days, I got a catfish. Love that. Didn't know it, obviously. Roll up to pick up the girl for the date. Oh, I remember this. So I show up, walk up to pick up the girl for the date. Oh, I remember this. So I show up, walk up to her door,

knock on the door, a girl who is not. Not even close. The girl that I matched with. Was your initial thought like, oh, it's her roommate? That's exactly, so I said, I was like, hey, is Katie home? Right? And she's like, yeah, I'm ready.

And I was like, that's funny. I was like, that's funny, where is she? that's a good ass joke your roommate's a comedian fucking hilarious katie your roommate's so funny you sweetheart where are you katie please please but she's like no i'm ready and so she closes the door starts walking out to the car and i am just not ready not ready for that so i'm not ready you're unshowered your hair's messy i was like oh i'm not ready but we end up we end up uh we end up going on the date you did it yeah uh yeah i ended up going on the date with her through and it's real uncomfortable the whole that's a gentleman and so finally you know i'm like i

can't do this anymore i I gotta know what's up. So I build up the courage and I'm like, hey, what's up with the pictures? Like, you're not the girl in the pictures. Instantly starts crying. Instantaneous. On hey, gotta ask. Tears start. And we're sitting at a place like the restaurant is like, you know when

the tables next to you are like super close? Like you're almost at the table with them? Like if you moved it over three inches,'d be a four top yeah um they both sides of them stop eating put down their forks and are like dinner and a show here we go oh yeah they're like i heard that question i see the reaction let's watch oh my she starts to cry through um how you know she uses her roommate's pictures to meet guys and go on dates and i stupidly while she's crying we're like how do they usually go because this is bad that's that's um you really you really know how to make a girl feel better yeah yeah uh fast forward real real awkward after

that let's get the check let's get out of here end up dating her for two years but we get back um we're driving back and pound her out End up dating her for two years. But we get back. We're driving back. Pound her out. End up pounding her out. Just because I felt bad. It was a sympathy fuck.

But she ends up hitting me with the, hey, can you walk me to the door? It's nighttime. Walk her to the door, and she hits me with a fake key jingle, like waiting for me to kiss her wow as if that's ever worked outside of a romantic comedy she's fucking shaking him in the fucking face

she's like oh jeez it's taking me a while to get to the door jingle jingling my keys king cut I'm jingling my keys just so you know i know which key gets me in and i'm taking a while um but then she uh asked me if i want to come in and i laughed you said as your roommate i laughed in her face and uh and then she started crying again so i ran oh my god full speed i hope that's actually like i'd be surprised if it.

No, wait. I need to know the speed because if it's like a jog, it's kind of like. Oh, no. It was pretty quick. It was like a, it was kind of like a, but it was like I was trying to look like I'm not running. So it was like you got a shit run. No, no. I need it.

Like when your cheeks are kind of clenched and you're kind of waddling fast. I really need the whole play-by-play here because it's like she's jingling the keys and then what? You just pivot. I accidentally laugh and I realize oh fuck that's gonna be bad and i hear the and then the deuces holy i can't look back through with the date i just oh fuck i'd be surprised if anyone on the fucking planet could top a date story worse than that yeah it's pretty well that was you'd have to you'd have to like end up in prison or or like beat up by the girl or something that was only one of my two and a half catfishes that i've had okay well no do the do round two fight do the the guy

in the room yeah that's the half oh i know all these yeah we're just well the second the second one to be super quick on it uh the lady was like 45 years old and i drove away because they were like 20 years older than pictures. So another catfish. Yeah. But the half. That's aggressive as fuck. The half is only a catfish because it was the girl.

Mm-hmm. We're going on the date. We're having a great time. Mm-hmm. I love this one. We're having good vibes, joking around. She hits me with, oh, you want to come back to my place? Yep.

Fuck yeah. We get back there. She's like, hey. Wasn't this girl a little older too? Uh, I want to say she was, yeah, she was like 28. I was probably like 22 at the time. So she girl a little older too uh i want to say she was yeah she was like 28 i was probably like 22 at the time so she was a little older oh okay um but then she hits me with like hey my room second door on the left go ahead and i'm walking down the hall one two open the door man sitting on the bed so you're like i counted wrong yeah and i was like oops i don't

know how to count to two i'm bad at math and as i'm saying like oops sorry bro trying to get out of the room she squeezes in behind me and closes the door. Oh, fuck. This is like a horror movie. Now, when I tell you that I have never sweated out of every pore in my life faster. There was sweat coming out of your penis. I felt like I was instantaneously in a sauna sweating. Dude, I would pay fuck tons of money to see you in that situation. Dude, literally I could not even imagine. I was the most scared I've ever been in my entire life. I thought there was a good chance to see you in that situation. Literally, I could not even imagine.

I was the most scared I've ever been in my entire life. I thought there was a good chance I was not leaving that room. I was thinking Pulp Fiction, ball gag, tied to a chair. Yeah, I would instantly think I'm getting murdered. Yeah. But she starts to explain the situation. Or like kidnap or something, yeah. She starts to explain that's her husband.

You know, they want to, whatever. Swing out. The only thing I can get out is like, you need to let me out of this room. so that i have an escape route before i say no you know yeah and so i finally i literally have to shove her like like a strong stiff arm and squeak out she tries to grab me and like i said i'm so sweaty i literally slip out like a grease pig get to the door and she finally gets over she's like i'm so sorry blah blah i was like hey all you gotta do is tell people beforehand yeah you just i've seen those on tinder

i've seen the couple accounts they're like hey we're looking for it might be something you like mentioned at the dinner before we go back to she's like oh i usually do or at least i didn't want to ruin it i just didn't want to ruin i was like no matter when you tell me it's already ruined it's gonna i'm not gonna let your husband fuck me in the ass i would be sweating shit dude i would i first i would be i'm getting fucking murdered yeah or kidnapped especially you sold into slavery what am i gonna do the girl could fucking hold me down let alone the guy but the scariest part of the whole thing is the guy never says a word not one word he's sitting on the edge of the bed is he like naked he's literally just sitting there like this he's like he's sweating more than you he's just looking at me. For the record, was it cute?

No. He's sweating more than you. If they drop a fucking stack on the table, 10 Gs, they go... If they put a $5 bill, my boy would... They put a stack on the table, they go, he's not going to fuck you, but he's going to do some shit.

What is some shit? Take the money or no? Look, he's not fucking you at the end of the day, but he's going to do some shit. What is some shit? Take the money or no? Look, he's not fucking you at the end of the day, but he's going to do some shit. $10,000. Is Jack going to be the guy this time? No, he's a decent looking guy. So like a little bit better than Garrett.

They throw 10 G's on the table and they say, he's not going to fuck you, but he's going to do some shit. I mean, 10 G's? Yeah. He might lick it. He might suck it. table and they say he's not gonna fuck you but he's gonna do some shit uh i mean it's yeah he might lick it he might suck it he might throw a finger around the back door come on come on come on i almost said yes and then you said that well i'm being real about what could happen no the positive i could do it i don't think he's spinning from across the room out of his run me the run me the check dude i'm doing it. But yeah, those are my worst. Wow. Okay, let's see.

Philosophers still Is that where we're at? What are we looking at time-wise? Just keep it going. Just for the record. Just rip it. I'm just saying, are we good to go into this? Yeah. Okay.

Ba-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na Ba-wa-wa-wa-wa-wa-wa-wa-wa-wa-wa-wa-wa-wa-wa-wa-wa-wa-wa-wa-wa-wa-wa-wa-wa-wa-wa-wa-wa-wa-wa-wa-wa-wa-wa-wa-wa-wa-wa-wa-wa-wa-wa-wa-wa-wa-wa-wa-wa-wa-wa-wa-wa-wa-wa-wa-wa-wa-wa-wa-wa-wa-wa-wa-wa-wa-wa-wa-wa-wa-wa-wa-wa-wa-wa-wa-wa-wa-wa-wa-wa-wa-wa-wa-wa-wa-wa-wa-wa-wa-wa-wa-wa-wa-wa-wa-wa-wa-wa-wa-wa-wa-wa-wa-wa-wa-wa-wa-wa-wa-wa-wa-wa-wa-wa-wa-wa-wa-wa-wa-wa-wa-wa-wa-wa-wa-wa-wa-wa-wa-wa-wa-wa-wa-wa-wa-wa-wa-wa-wa-wa-wa-wa-wa-wa-wa-wa-wa-wa-wa-wa-wa-wa-wa-wa-wa-wa-wa-wa-wa-wa-wa-wa-wa A vatican dabber. A vatican dabber. Severus. The boy who lives. Severus. Has come to die. Okay, here we go. This one's kind of controversial.

Philosopher Stone. Oh, not surprising. How fat is too fat of a dumper? In terms of a girl's dumper? Yes. The limit does not exist. That's my first thought, but here's the only caveat. As long as it's only the dumper, the limit does not exist.

We're talking some thousand pound sisters. Okay, yeah, we're not talking about... The limit exists. The limit doesn't exist. We're not talking about... The limit exists. The limit doesn't exist. We're not talking about my 700 pound life type joint. We're talking like a baddie with a fatty. The limit does not exist. The limit does not exist.

Because either way, even if it's like almost laughably large, I'm intrigued. I want to at least explore it. I want to go cave diving. You got to see it through. I want to catch my fucking drift. I want to go spelunking. Yeah. I go cave diving in it if you catch my fucking drift. I want to go spelunking.

I'm interested to see how you thought that one was controversial. It actually went pretty well. I like that. I mean, there's some that are like, okay, that's absurd, but I'm never not that. It's like, okay, well,

I want to see what's up with that. I like tasting- Seven-one-in-the-world type shit. Got to see it through. Yeah, you got to explore all the flavors to know which one's your favorite. You know what I mean? Yeah, you're right.

Let's see here. And this flavor is called Thick as Fuck. Thick as shit. What would be the scariest message humanity could receive from outer space? I think I've seen a couple of...

That's fucking crazy. I've seen a couple... I think that the scariest one that I've heard I didn't come up with this one turn it around you fucking dunce how do we know has it been like that the whole time I mean it's just whatever it is dude I've been flipping it around

but I think the scariest one that I've heard is and put it over the fucking blanket look let the man speak oh my god so sorry it's like you want this podcast to fail it's like you want it to go bad if it was like some sort of distress signal

that stops like a warning it's like warning and it's coming for a while and then all of a warning it's like warning and we hear like it's coming for a while and then all of a sudden it's just quiet that would be fucked there's a lot of scenarios i can think of that would be insanely terrifying something like or or another one i saw was like your last hope oh yeah yeah that's That's pretty fucked up. Like where we feel like we're supposed to do something?

Yeah, and we have no idea what it is. Like our last hope for what? Yeah. Or it's just like... You're next. Oh, you're next would be fucked up. I think it would just be like a fucking massive alien spacecraft. And on the side is just a giant timer. And it says like two days, whatever, and it's just counting down.

Oh, just a countdown would be fucked up, dude. Fucking insane. It's just like floating in the sky and it's so huge. We can't do shit to it. You can see it. It's literally in space. It's like moon size. It's in space, but you can see it because it's so big and it's just like everyone on earth can see it at the same time. It's just ticking. That would be horrifying,

dude. Could you imagine the fucking anarchy that would induce? I don't even know what the fuck motherfuckers would do. That would be horrifying, dude. Do you imagine, like could you imagine the fucking anarchy that would induce? I don't even know what the fuck motherfuckers would do. It'd be so fucking crazy. I would be, I'd be going ape shit

for the last, you know, 24 hours or whatever. And then just nothing happens. It's just back to normal. Yeah, could you imagine? Like that's, that's the kind of like crazy

like social experiment that I would hope that the aliens would be smart enough to do. Just like do that and then it stops and they're like, holy fuck, these people are

insane. Everyone just killing each other and fucking raping each other. That would be fucked up. Because people would just do the most absurd shit ever. That would be horrifying. It would. That would bring out the absolute worst of humanity, for sure. Oh, that would be detrimental. Let me try to think here.

We would probably end ourselves before the timer even went oh for sure right like humanity would destroy itself what if it was something more along the lines of like you guys are doing it all wrong or something trying to think of

it just says like too late you blew it oh my god too late it would be yeah because it would be it would be fucked because it would be like the instantaneous excitement of like we got a message from space and everyone's like oh shit there's like oh that's sick and then it's like the message was lost cause

lost cause yeah it's kind of horrifying to think about way to bring it down dude I mean yeah that was dark this one let's see what you guys think what is the hardest thing to explain to women that's a very tough question to answer because there's a few without coming off the wrong way

there's a lot not in a wrong way there's a lot not in a wrong way that's why we argue we think differently before you try to cancel us for being misogynistic we're not being misogynistic we have different thought processes

as human beings the one that I always think of is that classic picture it's like a lawn chair and a TV As human beings. The one that I always think of is that classic picture. It's like a lawn chair and a TV. Sitting in a living room. Yeah, and they're like, damn, it's crazy that this is all men need to be happy.

They're like, why are girls so mad that we're just so simple? Yeah, why are they mad that we're so happy? They're like, men are so stupid. Why are we stupid because we just are that simple? If there's an Xbox, a TV, and a fucking love sack, that's all I need, bro. That's it, dude.

We're very simple creatures. That's probably the hardest part is to understand how simple we are. Because you'll be trying to explain the simpleness, and they'll be like, there's no way. Like they're overcomplicating. It's that simple. They don't believe that. Yeah, they're like, there has to be another thing

that he doesn't want to tell me. Like you're telling me you could just hang out with the boys and drink some beers on a couch and you'll be happy for the rest of your life? Yes. That's all I need. Pussy money weed. One is kind of like

we really just don't be thinking about shit. The amount that I don't be thinking. When they try to say shit where they're trying to get in your mind and be like, okay, I get why you're saying this, but you're thinking this. I'm like, no, I just told you exactly

surface level what I'm thinking. My thought is so clear and logical where it's very clear cut. There's no nuance to what I'm saying. I'm telling you exactly what I'm thinking. They're like, well, no, I think you're like like you just don't want to say this but it's really

this yeah no like i'm fucking telling you like yeah my my thoughts are a dime simple no they're like there's no way i said we're not behind some veil there was no you know fucking underlining thing there it was yeah i just told you and they're like well you know you're a sagittarius so this i'm like, no, no. What even is that? A fucking half man, half horse? My name's Garrett. I'm not a Sagittarius.

My name's Garrett. That's the only thing I am. Could you imagine believing that the star alignment of when you were born has any effect on you? Like there's just a fucking no way. There's so many things that you have to believe in. Have you ever done this game where you ask the girl to like what your sign is, and they guess

six wrong, and when they get it right, they go, oh, I knew it. I knew it. The thing is, I feel like a lot of people, anyone who believes in it, they'll believe in it because if you read your own, it's so general and relatable that anyone could relate to it.

Try and read a different one. You'll be like, oh, that's so me also. They all are so general that anyone can relate to them go try and read a different one you'll be like oh that's so me also they all are so general that anyone can relate to them so it's like you're not special like read an aquarius if you're something else you'll be like oh that's so me as well if they're all fucking general oh you like to have fun with your friends and you fucking yeah it's so fucking dumb and they just reword the same five most general characteristics of a human being no but the thing is it's like If you believe in that, that just opens the door to you should be believing in

so much shit if you choose that. You know what I'm saying? I like to do the game of when they say oh, I'm this and you read the good stuff and then you'd be like, okay, let's read the negative qualities. Let's read the nukes. It's like, oh, you are stubborn. I mean, it's not 100%

accurate i mean they're not all perfect you know i'm a rising libra so come on hey it doesn't that's the other thing with the fuck how can you have each of the sun it's like oh my rising sun is like i'm an aries my rising sun is this aquarius my you know fall moon is freaking torus my so you're just all it's like okay so am is everybody everything yeah but at the same time everybody's nothing it's all fucking hoobie boobie made up bullshit just hoobie boobie really it's a woozy it does it does I will say though here we go when uh when you search and they're compatible together though that's a big win oh no like for them well for you that's when you start no you use that oh i'm i'm oh i believe oh yeah this is literally me i'm also an astrologist this is literally me last

night it was like 90 oh do i have the fucking screenshot it was like it was like six categories it's like 99 sex compatibility and i was like oh here we go was like 99% sex compatibility. And I was like, oh, here we go. Game over. Got it. Game over. So we're going to have to test that through. It was like 99% trust.

And I was like, look at us. See, like you can use it to your advantage. Yeah. Tried to kiss her and she didn't kiss me. That's that 1%. And she fell asleep in a hallway and you carried her to bed. No, this is a different girl. Oh, a different girl? Yeah.

Wow, you're a dog. Compatibility was at 1% though, I guess. Oh, man. That's off the charts in the negative direction. Yeah. What else do we be doing? That shit's crazy.

How did we even get on this topic? I don't remember. What's tough to explain to women? What's tough to explain to women? I'd say, yeah, I just feel like not tough to explain, but just the fact that they don't understand that we are really simple creatures. Yeah, just the full

grasp. That's the overarching theme of it. The full grasp that there is no... Because they'll literally dive into like, oh, that's just so Sagittarius of you. I was like, no, that's just what I thought in my fucking head. That's so Garrett of Garrett. Yeah, it's Garrett of Garrett. That was very me of me.

It would be funny if a girl said. It's so Garrett of Garrett. Yeah, it's Garrett of Garrett. That was very me of me. It would be funny as fuck if a girl said, you're so Garrett. Yeah. And it's just like the worst. You're so yourself right now and I fucking hate it. You're such a Garrett, aren't you? Yeah.

Sometimes that'd be happening. You're so you and I just don't like you. You're being a lot of you. It's not that it's you. It's just I don't like who you are as a person. It's not that you're Sagittarius. You're just Garrett. Sagittarius. Oh, fuck.

I love me some me. You know what I mean? Sagittarius. Sagittarius. Sagittarius. Gregarious. Anybody got any more fire? Let's see.

I have a couple more easy ones. Fuck, marry, kill. Me, Garrett, and me again. Kill you. For sure that. Okay. Marry. So what are you dead?

Marry Garrett because I've lived with you and you're horrific. The amount of times you don't flush. Say it. You're horrific. The amount of times you don't flush. Say it. Say what? Say it.

Say what? Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. Yeah. But the amount of times. He set himself up for a dub right there. And lay up.

Ladies and gentlemen, that's a dub. All right, ask me. All right, Garrett. Ask me, ask me, ask me. This one's kind of difficult. Fuck, marry, kill me, John, and me again. Now, the best way to do it is... Kill you.

Okay. Fucking fuck this shit out of John and marry you yeah well we should i can't believe i didn't say kill garrett and then fuck you marry me i can't believe i didn't fuck that's a layup i don't know why i didn't say that i can't believe i didn't go for that one it makes too much sense now i think about it so much easier that way oh god damn it okay um oh this one's kind of a doozy how many people in this room would you be willing to kiss why are they all these are so easy these are so easy how many people are in this room two okay yeah two that's a dab those are gonna rip dude i love it okay same question yeah i mean two i mean how many haven't

i we have all kissed multiple times yeah cut and no that's stan that's stan cut that into a clip of just a loop of us saying it over and over we've all kissed we've all kissed what is the dirtiest sex you've ever received that one's for Garrett sext

oh sext let's see god damn I love an over promise on a sext too this one's from my mom dinner's ready sweetheart come up that shit was filthy dinner's ready i can think of a concept I haven't gotten to sex in probably 10 years. Hot Cheetos in the pantry. Just got back from Costco. Me and dad just got back from Costco. Can you help us unload?

Mom, stop it. Can you carry them all in in one try? You little minx. Come get the groceries in one trip. Who's my big strong boy mom i love you so much yes keep on going i'm so nervous that like i the way that my mom has brought up the podcast and conversation makes me think she's for sure to listen to it and she's like doesn't want to talk to me about it yeah like she like brought up really she because she

literally was just like oh like what does your manager think about it. She brought it up. Really? Because she literally was just like, oh, what does your manager think about it? Did she just stop talking to you in general? Yeah. We don't speak as much anymore. She was like, what does your manager think about it? She's like, cool with it. I was like, oh, you for sure know what's going on.

I was like, do you have a TikTok? She's like, yeah. I was like, oh, fuck. Oh, fuck. User one. We post like- Not Garrett's mother. We post like not Garrett's mother. Because we post

the worst of the worst on TikTok. Dude, this is just real life though. This is shit. That's funny. Yeah, we fucking have sex, dude. Why are people scared to talk about this? I would love, can we get your mom's opinion on any of this? Oh my God, Carol.

She loves anything I do, dude. Yeah, but at the same time, she's horrified for sure if she's listening to this. She loves anything I do, dude. Yeah, but at the same time, she's horrified for sure if she's listening to this. You think? She loves everything you do, but she doesn't approve of it all. Any of it. She loves you so much,

she'll accept anything you do. She doesn't like it, but she loves it. She loves you so much, she'll accept anything you do. She doesn't love everything you do. When we had a song, what did it say? We had a song that said like the Lord's name in vain.

And she texted me. Oh, she hated that. What song was it? Oh, it said, God damn it. I'm fucked up from tripping. Yeah.

She did. She said, I like the song. I'm like, really mom. She said, she's like, I love the song.

I remember the text. She's like, I love the song. You just didn't have to use the Lord's name in vain. Yeah. And she's like, please don't do that again. And I was like,

Jesus fucking Christ. I was like, bruh, Jesus fucking Christ, mom. God damn it, mom. No, but I think like, bruh. Jesus fucking Christ, mom. God damn it, mom. No, but I think this podcast is rapidly becoming just an open goddamn book of our lives.

And we're just the realest boys in the game right now. Most people's lives that just don't fucking talk about. Besides the fact that we get a little bit too drunk. No, I mean, yeah. But like this, we are, it's safe to say we've established the rapport that we are not scared to talk about anything. We're just ripping.

And we're just, we're being ourselves. Exactly. And it's not always pretty. Most of the time it's actually hideous. Yeah. But it should just be. But I know for a fact, I'm me, you know? You do be you.

Sagittarius. We be being ourselves. Sagittarius. And you know what? What are you doing? Fuck, I'm sorry. Did you just yawn on the pod? Clip, clip, clip.

Time stamp. Time stamp. He doesn't care. He doesn't care. Oh, this one. I love this one. I forgot about this one. How would you rate your looks on a scale from one to ten?

Your own? Fuck. Two. That's tough. Do I get to throw personality in there? No. Did I say personality? You don't.

Was that supposed to help or hinder you? You don't get to throw personality. It's not i say personality you don't was that supposed to help or hinder you you don't get to throw person it's not a full package type of deal it's like if i was muscular i'd say like let me just anytime a girl has ever attracted me i'm surprised yeah same so and i'm always shocked that they're all baddies it's crazy bro life's life's damn yeah i i think i'm a fucking dumbass yeah but i mean i i'm confident to say the only reason that any girl would be attracting me is because i'm like personable it's not it's not because they're looking at a fucking toothpick yeah you you just gotta be confident really yeah you gotta think you're a 10 no my i mean your boys are fucking what

dude this nose this nose is touching people from across the... No, I mean... I would say we're all probably the same. You think? Like close, yeah. Around the same. It's in the same. It's in the same like bell curve.

If I was yoked and like 6'3", I'm going nine. But in my current being, I'm like soft seven. You're the prettiest for sure. Soft seven. I got a baby face. That works for me. If I put on a hoodie, you might get the idea that I'm jacked. And then I'm up there in the eights, nines. But I'm a seven. I'm a seven.

When the shirt comes off and they're like, oh fuck, is this me? Well, and then the first... The shirt comes off and they're like, wow, these sunglasses, I need another pair. because it's ghastly white yeah yeah oh translucent boy yeah but i mean you're edward colin really the ladies love a baby face killer you know what i mean yeah they're like is he 12 is he 22 i've never gotten a straight looks rating from a girl it's always like uh well it's always because with with the with the personality. I've gotten some nines, including personality. But let's be real.

My ankles are the same size as my biceps. Let's cut the fucking shit. Not only facts, that's just math. Morgz got the package, bro. He's tall, he's built, and he's good looking. I'm putting Morgz in the high eights, low nines. Gang up on that. Gang up. My king suit. But the high eights, low nines. I'd throw a gang up on that. Yeah.

Gang up. My kings, dude. But the thing is, they get the whole package. Yeah. So we're all nines. You know what I mean? Yeah. We're all nines.

Because we're nice, smart, funny guys. What else do you want from me, dude? God damn it. That's the title of that. Why are you ghosting us? Nice, smart, funny guys. How do you get ghosted? How do you get ghosted when you're me?

See, that's the thing. It's like you're a nine text messaging minus me? See, that's the thing. You're a nine. Text messaging, minus ten. Oh, my text game's off. If I never texted... It's not even on the scale because it just stopped responding. I'd never miss. The scale evaporates. Yeah, but nice, smart, funny guys.

That's what we are. Ladies and gents, that has been episode five of the No FOMO podcast. If you do or have been enjoying the show, please do us a massive favor and go on whatever podcasting site you prefer, whether that's Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or the YouTubes, and like, comment, subscribe. And if you're on Apple, please give us a rating. That helps us out a lot. On Spotify, you can actually rate individual episodes as well. Give us five stars.

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next Monday after our show at the Palladium. We'll be happy. Oh yeah, and we're ripping Mondays now, right? We're doing Mondays. It's going to be consistent for me. As long as you can commit to it. For Mondays? For Mondays.

For Monday. Ladies and gents, we will see you in a week. Love you guys.