No Judgment Zone: Exploring Pleasure and Healing - Are You the Reason They Cheated?

Episode Date: July 18, 2025

Cheating is a choice—but sometimes, so is our lack of self-awareness. In this episode of No Judgment Zone, we’re diving into the uncomfortable truth: sometimes we play a part in the disconnection that leads to betrayal.This isn’t about blame—it’s about accountability, healing, and being honest enough to ask the hard questions. Did you ignore red flags? Were you emotionally unavailable? Did you stop showing up in ways your partner needed?Let’s talk patterns, communication gaps, emotional neglect, and the shadows we often avoid. Because healing starts when we stop pointing fingers and start looking in the mirror.💋 Follow @nojudgmentzonepod and drop a Whisper if you’ve got a story to share.

Welcome back to the no judgment zone with your favorite sensual nurse. You already know the vibe, truth, pleasure, healing, and a little accountability. Today's episode might steam just a little bit, but in the best way. We are unpacking one of the most triggering questions in relationships. Are you the reason they cheated? Now, don't get defensive with me, baby. This isn't about blame. It's about awareness.

Because sometimes the betrayal didn't start in the bedroom. It started with avoidance, abandonment, or even emotional neglect. So let's talk about it. No shame. No sugar coating. Let's get free. Now, before I get started, I do want to give a disclaimer. your girl been dealing with sinuses allergies, head cold, whatever you want to call it.

So my voice sounds a little different. That's why. If you hear me clear my throat, that's why. But I'm here, okay? I am here for you and for myself. We are showing up and we are creating a safe place. Now, when it comes to cheating, the main question that always pops up is why. Why do people cheat?

And you have your people who they don't even listen to, and I will say offender versus victim, because in the same token, cheating is a choice. But in this conversation, we are looking at the big picture and we understand that that choice does not happen in a single act.

There is a continuum of emotions and actions and things that are going on that may create the environment for that person to cheat. And now we're also not just talking about, like there are certain people that my conversations don't apply to. So this particular conversation of cheating is not applicable to the person who just does it just because and their feelings were never invested in the first place.

You got to know the difference between the two as well. This conversation is for those people who are in a committed relationship, for those people who are exclusive have had the conversations and are working on building something for the future, but somewhere something happened. Something changed. And spoiler alert, I promise you, is not just one thing. There were multiple instances where things changed, and that's what we're going to discuss. So when we talk about someone in a committed relationship, when they cheat and the question is, Why did you do it? A lot of times you're going to hear about unmet needs, emotional disconnection, their ego may have been bruised.

You have people who say it just happened. The opportunity was there. I'm going to challenge that and say something deeper, but they may not be able to give you that. And also, like I mentioned, immaturity, somebody who just don't. care anyway. And also understand there is a difference between reason and responsibility. So this conversation is really, really, really, really beneficial for anyone who has ever been cheated on, anyone who has ever cheated, because you always hear the question, do you believe once a cheater, always a cheater? For me, simple answer, no. But,

this is also a really good conversation for the people who are in a relationship who are trying to repair after cheating or maybe you haven't got to the repair stage you're trying to figure out what the fuck you're going to do anyway right so there's a difference between reason and responsibility cheating is a choice those are very much so understood but i feel like a lot of times, majority of the times actually, once someone cheats, it's almost like the victim uses that to erase everything else in the relationship, to cover over any of the transgression to the point where their faults no longer mattered because you cheated and cheating is the worst thing ever. And a lot of times that's the viewpoint of society in general.

But what I want to break down and what this episode is about is about self-reflection. The cheater's going to have their own responsibilities and we're going to get to that side. Don't worry about it. But this episode, because one of my biggest philosophies as well, is you control nothing in life but yourself. You control absolutely. nothing in life but yourself. So when you are in situations, when you're considering options, all you can do is self-reflect and your biggest strength will be in being honest with yourself. So in that, were your boundaries clear? Was it understood? This is a non-negotiable for me. because this 2025 baby it is a whole different generation of adults out here in these streets

it's a song that came on my Spotify the other day and he basically was like she loved me so she gonna put up with come with me all she said was just don't let her find out because a nigger gonna be a nigger those are some women's boundaries I don't care if you cheat just don't let me find out not me don't play with me play with your mama I'm just saying. So were your boundaries clear on your expectations? Was that mentioned as a non-negotiable?

Or was that mentioned as a, you know, we'll see if it ever happens. And I'm not saying, I'm not saying this to invalidate any of the feelings that you are currently experiencing if you have recently been cheated on or if you've ever been cheated on. I'm not saying this to invalidate those feelings of betrayal, of shock, of hurt, of disappointment, and all of the things that come with it. But if you want to learn from the things that you go through in life and gather those lessons to rebuild yourself to be stronger and better the next time around, these are some of the questions that are very, very important. Here's one that requires an extreme amount of accountability and self-awareness.

Were you emotionally unavailable? And now keep in mind in this conversation, I'm not assigning gender to any side. Women cheat and men cheat. Majority of the times like when I tell you majority of the times. The reason is you stop paying attention to me. You stopped showing up for me. You didn't have time for anymore. Time for me anymore. Didn't seem like you cared about me. Yes, life happens, but when you are committed to doing life with your person, life cannot stop you from being a partner. Life cannot and should not. stop you from being a present partner in showing up in your relationship. Is grace extended?

Absolutely. But you know, people were out there welcomes. That saying ain't come from nowhere. If you're going through a hard time, are you communicating with that and are you working on it? Are you saying, baby, thank you for sticking by my side right now. You have no idea how much that means to me. baby I'm sorry I'm not able to do whatever these things may be that I used to I promise I'm trying to figure it out because I want to get back to that place just as much as you do but when you check out think about what type of headspace that may have left your partner in especially when you have conversations you know relationships are way more self-aware than back in the day back in the day you pay the bills I take care of the kids this is what we do we have any disagreements we ain't going to talk about you know relationships we ain't going to talk about it

because we both know we ain't going to leave we ain't going nowhere we just going to thug it out smooth it over whatever now there are so many tools you have love languages apology languages even anger languages there are so many things for understanding your person as you both are becoming one so when your partner tells you what's important to them did you stop showing up in the ways that they already expressed mattered sometimes you know we can fall off in the little things right or we could fall off in certain areas for me personally words of affirmation is like my number one i'm also going to tell you all the love languages i speak so show me love in all the ways right however words of affirmations is the top i don't care

what is going on. A simple, I love this about you. A simple thank you. I appreciate you. I see you. I value you in the reason why or what is coming up in your heart. What is on your mind? Sharing those vulnerable parts of yourself, sharing those emotions with me. Back and covered the fact that you ain't taken me out in three months. You know, especially once we've already built that foundation. once we've already, you know, committed to each other and we're building life, you understand it's not always a highlight real. A relationship, especially a long-term, committed relationship,

is not always going to be IG-worthy, right? But the ways that matter, are you committed to showing up in that way? Did you stop? And if you did, did you communicate why? did you put forth effort to resolve whatever issues were there? When you reflect back on the relationship, did resentment play a part? Were you upset that they made a certain move or they made a certain remark? And so you decided, well, I'm going to pull it back.

Because you never really got over that moment, you were never able to repair it. And that chipped at your sexual attraction to your partner. your emotional attraction, your vulnerability, your intimacy in general, the conversation, the power play a part, the silent treatment. Sometimes, especially life be life in y'all, we become so disconnected with ourselves and we just go on autopilot. We don't have rumors based for emotions that we can't connect with our partner. And in a relationship, connection and intimacy are everything. It's everything. It's the whole reason why you're with your person. You can be friends with people, but when you choose to be in a relationship with them, there's an element of safety there.

There's an element of vulnerability, intimacy. That's what ties you two together. So when that starts to go away, do you speak up? Do you have conversations? And is a conversation about your needs not being met or are you able to hear both sides? Are y'all working together to figure it out? Or is it my way or the highway? Excuse me. And now for the people who may be triggered right now,

no one can make somebody else cheat, okay? And we're not justifying cheating. Sometimes it is explainable. Sometimes they have a valid point. Whether you want to hear it or not, an emotional maturity is being able to say, here's what I contributed to the breakdown without excusing the betrayal. And this is a hard-ass conversation to have.

A lot of times if you tell somebody if you know you're brave enough you're open enough to disclose to someone what's going on in your relationship and you let them know about infidelity they may tell you well just leave and i'm going to you it's easy to leave it's easy to not dig deeper it's easy to not look in the mirror and have to face yourself it is easy to say this is what you did and these are of the consequences. And just write off, oh, y'all aren't together anymore?

No, they cheated. What? What happened? And when you ask that question, you notice how the victim goes into what they found out about them cheating? It's never about the relationship, right? It's never about as women.

you know one of the harmful things that I do believe is out there is that your man has to accept you exactly as you are you don't have to watch how you talk to him having a soft way that you speak to him is what's the what I'm looking for not submissive because some people are okay with submission but some women have a problem with stroking their man's ego right so if they talk to their man any kind of way talking to him like he's a child fussing yelling being disrespectful calling him out of his name

and then you notice he's staying away from home more often you notice he's shutting down so in the moments where you are nice and you are trying to connect he's cold he's distant he don't want to hear it and then when you you start feeling which is crazy women can feel when a man cheats but they can't feel when he's unhappy right

check that clock that so now when you start getting this feeling that he's not working extra or he's not hanging out or he's not doing the things that he says that he's doing or the places that he says that he's at and you find out he's cheating for you that clicks that makes sense he pulled away because he was cheating self-reflection sitting down being honest being real or even having a conversation with him and actually listening to him why did you do it and he tells you you were mean to me I couldn't do anything right I couldn't come to you and be vulnerable

I couldn't share my feelings with you she made it easy for me to just show up and be myself she was nice she listened especially especially y'all women who like to be like you cheated with that or even the men who be like oh that's what you went for oh for real

you like to look at the physicalities but maybe it's not the physical it's the personality and that may hurt even more than the looks right so in having this conversation regardless if you're looking back over the past you're looking at how you show up in relationships whether you're preparing for a relationship and you just want to be the best you possible whether you're currently in a situation where you are dealing with infidelity consider it from all sides. What is your pattern in a relationship? Because anytime I see on social media when people like all men are this or all women are this, all I think about is something about you repeatedly entertaining and attracting this type of person. That's a lot to sit with. Do you attract

emotionally unavailable partners? They're not able to get deeply vulnerable and commit Do you ignore red flags? And then you get shocked when it blows up in your face. Are you the one that's emotionally unavailable? And you create conditions where disconnection now thrives. This is what accountability looks like. This is what healing looks like. You got to get curious, not judgmental.

For yourself, which is typically easier, but also with the other person. And then determine what you will and will not accept going forward in your life. Apologize to yourself for accepting the things that hurt, for creating the environments for yourself to be hurt. Forgive yourself for the version of you that didn't know better. Now, the first part of this episode has been mostly geared towards the other person, the quote unquote victim in the situation, right?

but now when we get in the conversation of you are the person who cheated why did you do it you can't say well they made me do it no it's still a choice accountability on both sides i'm an equal opportunity type of person let's dig a little bit deeper was it ego and even with ego sometimes i think I think it's very important to understand that trauma plays a very large part in our lives unless we confront it. And I say that because there are a vast amount of people who get bored when a relationship is peaceful. They get bored when they actually have a healthy and safe relationship. There are people who do not know how to thrive in the very thing that they say that they want.

So there are a selection of people who they have a great relationship, they have a great life, they have a great schedule. Everything is going perfect, but their brain subconsciously misses the drama. The brain is like, we're not familiar with this. Hold on. What's going on here? So when someone that you would normally be attracted to flirts with you, now you have sparks, right? Now you start thinking something that's wrong with your relationship.

Now your adrenaline is going because, oh, I really shouldn't be doing this, but oh my goodness, it feels so good. And you just get caught up in quotations. When you get caught, I don't know why I did it. It just happened. you need to sit with yourself you need to figure out if you're really ready for that healthy relationship

that you say that you want and if you're not how do you make yourself healthy because now it's not just your ego now it's not just I was missing something those are the group of people where it is truly 100% a you thing

and you have to go sit and you have to figure that out and you have to work on that before you hurt someone else and before you hurt yourself. Because some people don't give second chances. Some people are not capable, nor even if they are, they are not willing to give a second chance. And that is absolutely their prerogative. They don't have to.

And then you have your group of people who fall into the scenarios that we've discussed so far on this episode. You have your women who are supporting their man, pouring into their man, showing up in all the ways, but he seems like he doesn't care. He seems like he doesn't notice you. All the little things he used to do, he stops. And it hurts your feelings. And you pull back and you shut down. And then somebody compliments you, and they recognize all the things, and they say all the things that you wish your partner would. And it just feels so good.

You get caught up in the fantasy. You get caught up in the emotions. But you feel so horrible because you really love your partner. Did you speak up? Did you say anything? Or did you just let the hurts and disconnection build and build and build? And then you have your people. You're very clear on what you need in a relationship.

Despite life, despite the rocky themes, you make it known, Hey, these are the core things that I need to stay the same. For me to be safe here and for me to stay here. And you uphold your part in the relationship. You go to work. You pay the bills. You take care of the household.

Your girl says she doesn't feel good. It's okay, you know, just take care of you. I got this. Don't worry about it. You pick up extra slack. You help out around the house when you can. You work extra. Who don't feel like you have that safe place.

You don't feel like you're seen or you're hurt or your emotions matter, but you speak up. You say, hey, I told you I need these things. Now I'm out here busting my ass. I'm doing this and I'm doing that. It ain't got to be every day, but at least occasionally I need you to bounce that ass. And she's like, I know, I know, I'm sorry, I'll work on it or whatever the conversation, however the conversation goes, or, you know, it may be, well, I'm into. secure. I feel this way. And it's like, all right. Just, you know, bringing it up so we could work on it.

And y'all work on it. But then y'all fall into the same routine. And you bring it up again, you have conversations again. And then you get tired of talking about it. Meanwhile, you're still doing your part. Because you can't show up and say, hey, I ain't got the money for a bill. So you're still doing your part. And it's just like, I just need recognition. I need affection. I need consideration. I need to know I'm not doing this for nothing. But after so many conversations and nothing changes, you start pulling back. You start shutting down.

And when you stop wanting it, they start questioning you. Then what? You find somebody who's easy to talk to. They listen, they're considerate, they're nice. Conversations get deeper. Even if it's a, hey, this is all this is about. I ain't leaving my girl. Life is just different.

right now. I just need to release. Okay, cool. Is it justified? You know, I ain't got no judgment over here, y'all. But no, like, there are very different scenarios for cheating. So to just write off, once a cheater, always a cheater, is not valid. It's not fair, because there are a lot of variables to consider. and only once you really sit back and look at yourself, whether you are the cheater or the other person in the relationship. What is it that you need in that relationship that you did not get? What new boundary do you now have? And not out of fear, because what some people will do is, well, if I'm going to be in a relationship with somebody, I got to have their location at all times.

I need to have their passwords. That's still trauma-based. That's still fear-based. That's still controlling. You can only control yourself, remember? So what is it that you need going forward in a relationship? What are things that you look for going forward in a relationship? To my knowledge, I have not been cheated on, but I have cheated.

Typically, the last scenario. There's conversations. You know what's going on. you know how I feel. You know, I'm not happy. I'm letting you know. All right. Because at some point, once you pull away and you disconnect emotionally, even though you have not disconnected physically, and a lot of people love to say, well, if you're not feeling it, then just leave. Baby, it ain't that easy. It is not always easy and black and white to leave a relationship before you start considering other options. If you are married with children and your income,

is tied into your household. How can you just up and leave? That's going to take planning. That's going to take time. In that time, are you supposed to be miserable? I'm just asking. Now, there are certain instances. Maybe y'all are both very independent.

I had great careers coming into it. You're able to save. You know the other person can handle the financials if you leave. And because of that, yes, I'm not happy. I got another apartment or I got, I'm going somewhere, I'm renting somewhere, I'm moving in, whatever the case may be, whether it's a break and we're going to revisit this in a certain amount of time, whether we are actually breaking up, and if we get back together, that will require another conversation. But I need time and space.

Sometimes that is doable. That is possible. Majority of the times it's not. And I believe we should hold space for all variables. So whenever cheating comes up again, be the mature person. Don't just take the clickbait, but be the voice of wisdom. Without blaming, well, what was the relationship like before you found out? Because a real friend is going to keep it honest.

You may not always want to hear what they have to say, but you know it's said in love and to help you be better, right? And listen, you may not have caused the cheating, but you can still learn from the experience. Every relationship, successful or broken, is a mirror. And when you're brave enough to look into it without flinching, that's when the real healing starts. That's when you're able to take your power back and control the narrative of your life. So ask yourself the questions that we discussed, but not from a place of shame, from a place of power. When you're able to see, you know what, I did check out. Now you can be mindful of what that looks like.

You can be mindful of what causes it. So when you're in a relationship again, you can be mindful of how you show up and you can show up better and have a better relationship and have a better outcome, period. Everything in life is a learning situation. It depends on if you are willing to get the lesson out of it. Thank you all so much for being here for listening on this episode. Don't forget to follow No Judgment Zone Pod on Instagram. You can tap the link in the bio and drop a whisper if you got a story to share or topic to request.

I'll see you next Freaky Friday. Until then, stay rich. real, stay sexy, and remember, baby, you deserve pleasure and the truth.