No Judgment Zone: Exploring Pleasure and Healing - Ladies- You're Dating Wrong!

Episode Date: August 22, 2025

Too many women are out here dating men for their potential instead of their reality. And sis, that’s exactly why your heart keeps getting played.In this episode, I answer two real questions from a listener:Why do women fall in love with potential?Why can men be selfish in dating while women feel like they can’t?Here’s the truth: falling for potential happens when you haven’t fully claimed your worth. And selfishness? It’s not a bad thing—it’s how you protect yourself, keep your standards high, and attract a relationship that’s natural, magnetic, and aligned.✨Stop betraying yourself. Date like you mean it. Be selfish until he proves he’s worth concessions. And remember: date like a man, love like a queen.No judgment, just truth.

Ladies, let's be real. You're not dating wrong because of men. We're dating wrong because you keep ignoring the truth right in front of you. And that's exactly what we're unpacking in today's episode. A co-worker and a day one supporter of the podcast asked me two questions I know so many of you can relate to. Why do women fall in love with potential? And why can men be selfish? while women feel like they can.

So today, we're going to break it down. How to stop falling for potential, how to step into protective selfishness, and how to date with main character energy. You all ready for this one? I'm excited. So the first question, why women fall in love with potential?

So many women often romanticize potential. You meet a guy, and just because he's cute, he has a nice smell, he's good with his words, and he's nice to you. Like, literally, just being nice. Nothing extra, nothing special. You're already projecting what could be instead of facing what is. He's just a nice guy. That's it. Nothing new, nothing special.

Keep it going. But you're thinking, oh, my goodness, I hope he asked me for my number. Oh, is he watching me as I walk away? Why? Why are you putting these things into your? mind, that's not even happening. A lot of times the root cause of this is that you don't fully know your own value or you haven't built the life that you truly want.

You may claim that you're a strong, independent woman, you don't need a man, you want a man, but deep down subconsciously, a lot of women are looking to men to, to, rescue and save them. You're looking for your value based on how somebody treats you, not what you have established already on your own. And a lot of times the trap that you get caught up in is he makes me feel good. You know, we're just viving. The vibes are really great. Vives don't pay bills, baby. Feeling good is not what a long-lasting. relationship is built on. So with all the love in my heart, I am challenging you. Step up your standards. Date like you mean it. What are you really looking for? Who are you?

First of all, let's start there. Who are you? Where are you in your life? Where are you trying to go? What are some of the things that come with you? What do you? What do you? need. What do you want? What is it in human form that will help you get to where you want to be? That will help you achieve the next level of the life that you want. Because you've already built the foundation for the life that you want. What is important to you? So instead of looking at this guy is nice and he treats me well, if only he actually liked me. If only he actually stepped up and approached me and asked me out, if only he was more ambitious or more driven or more discipline.

Stop that. Ask about the reality. Very bottom line, you should not be fantasizing about anybody who has not proclaimed their interest in you. This is no judgment zone. We have all been there. I have been there. I'm a cancer I'm a water baby

I am a lover girl to the core so I get it you want love you want that happily ever after you want the fairy tale relationship but in order to save your heart and protect your peace

you should not be entertaining any man who has not already explicitly said I like you I want to get to know you, I am interested in you, or whatever the words are, that makes it very clear how he feels about you and his intention. And even then, you don't sloon and faint and melt. I'm open to that. I'm in a space where I'm looking to align with the right individual,

so I'm open to getting to know you more as well. If you like him. And that's exactly what you do. You get to know him. You assess his. character who is he is he committing is he able to express interest does he show up or does he disappear for days of the time is he reliable is he stable is 2025 mental health is real is he stable mentally emotionally financially all of these things matter so why do women fall in love with potential simply because they don't recognize their own value and their own worth and because they feel like they are work in progress and also I'm speaking from experience y'all this is how I entered my first marriage because I wasn't at the level where I wanted

to be I was okay pairing up with a man who wasn't at a level where I thought he should be or where he thought he should be. With the hopes of we'll work together, we'll grow together, we'll build together. I was serious about my growth. He wasn't serious about his. When we were dating, I was speaking about goals and he was speaking about dreams. And those are two different things. So when you meet a guy, instead of falling love with potential, treat him like a new coworker.

You're nice, you're cordial, nothing extra, nothing over the top, they still got to prove themselves, right? You side-iron, not really side-iron, but you're looking through your peripheral to see what type of character they have. What are they doing when they don't think anyone is looking? What are their habits? Once you observe and you're like, okay, I kind of like them. Okay, they're kind of cool. You can loosen up a little bit. Still not your bestie, still not your therapist, still not getting your full life story.

But we can Kiki a little bit. the same way coworkers earn those different levels of access to you, so should a man. So should a man. And you have to 100% believe that you are that girl and you deserve everything that you want and that you are looking for. And if you don't see it, then oh well. And that brings me to the second question. I love how they're actually both related. The second question is why men can be selfish.

And women struggle with this. And let me say, fellas, in general, we're speaking very generally, correct? I love how men be like, no. Most men will tell you, in the beginning of meeting you, they already categorize you. And it's very, very rare because you have to be exceptional to move up in position, right? And I say that because a lot of men, they know what they want. And if they don't know exactly what the packaging is for what they want, they know how they want to feel.

They know what they value. Most men typically love a lady in the street and a freaking of sheets. If you just out and open with all your shit, they're not, they, mm-mm, you're a fun girl. I'm not going out public with you. Booty call hours only 10 p.m. to 2 a.m. Seriously. Because men are able to assess, evaluate, and then categorize.

And based on what they find out about you, they will either remove you, replace you, or change your position. With the quickness, sometimes you don't even know what's going to happen. Sometimes it isn't happened within the course of the same conversation. The first conversation. They understand that they owe themselves loyalty. They owe themselves protection until someone proves otherwise. They don't get that benefit of the doubt. As women, we are conditioned to be nurturing, to be understanding, to be compassionate,

to be a whole bunch of bullshit. And not really, but if it's overly done or not done properly, it's to our detriment. we hesitate to be selfish because it's generally seen as being negative. However, selfishness equals self-protection. Selfishness is the root of you being able to say no in uncomfortable situations. You being able to say, no, I don't want to do that. Because you're not worried about the other person's feelings. You are protecting your own.

You are protecting your energy. you are protecting your peace. You're protecting your space. If you've ever heard the statement, I love you more than I love myself, that's scary. If you have ever said it, it is even scarier.

Because when you love someone or than you love yourself, you've already betrayed yourself. You have already set the atmosphere to not protect yourself in order to protect them. Y'all hear me? Y'all following?

Y'all with me? If you love someone more than yourself, you have already betrayed yourself. There has to be balanced. And now when I speak about main character energy, I mean showing up 100% as yourself. We're not pretending however you look on the day-to-day is how you present yourself to him.

We're not putting on a mountain of makeup on date night. knowing good well you don't wear makeup any day it's different if that's your regular and i'm not saying you know you can't embellish a little bit in the date night you know you always want to put your best foot forward however you want to be you you don't want to set expectation that you know you're not going to live up to because then that's how people build resentment and they feel betrayed when they get to know the real you so imagine showing up as a hundred percent yourself authentic right but now catch this main character energy being selfish and being yourself does not equal being a bitch you should still be polished you should still be kind

understanding graceful all the u-lalas of a woman right and he's 100% himself same way It should be a level of polishing. Not just covering up in a t-shirt and baggy jeans and scuffed up tennis shoes and, no, take some pride of yourself. Have some intelligence. Emotional connection. You know, know how to carry yourself. But imagine just showing up as you are and you actually like each other. Get that.

Can you believe it? you actually genuinely like who the person is before the romantic layers are added. Now that is the recipe for a magnetic relationship. When you value each other's character first, not their potential, not your version of them in your head, but who they actually are. And I say that because that's what I have. That is what I am privileged to experience. Y'all, I was not looking for a man at all. And actually, at this point, I had written a couple of books.

I think I had started, like, posting a little here and there on my social media. and I was like, okay, my purpose in life, I want to be a life coach, right? I want to help people on their healing journey because I did a lot of my stuff by myself. And having someone to start, just to be a soundboard or just to give tidbits of advice, you know, or little nuggets to help me progress quicker, I feel like would have been super beneficial on my journey. And so I want to give back and I want to be that for other people, right? And so, lo and behold, my ex hit me up. And we all know, oh, my goodness, the ex, not spin the block.

Da-da-da-da-da. Y'all, I was so main character energy. I was so focused on my healing. I was so oblivious that I'm like, this dude is the same dude I talk to. I'm just going to practice my life coaching on him. You know, I'm just listening. I'm not really giving him much of my information. be a little bit here and there.

But yeah, I'm just listening, asking thought-provoking questions, offering, you know, solicited advice. For the longest, I didn't ask and I didn't say nothing. He was like, no, no, no, you can ask anything. No, I value your opinion. You can say whatever you feel. I'm like, you sure? He's like, yeah, I'm like, bet. because I'm naturally the type of person.

I want to get to know somebody's story anyway. I want to know when you made that decision, what were you thinking and how are you feeling? Like, that's how, that's what excites me, is somebody's journey, their story, their reasons, their why. So that's what I thought I was doing. I was just asking him questions, you know, making him think. it is nice kind it wasn't argumentative or confrontational it was just that's interesting you know

what made you do that or oh wow how did you get to that conclusion you know just just stuff like that just kind of probing right but and i told you i thought this was the same dude i thought all the issues that i went through with him before he's the same person he's still like this dot that the more the more I ask those questions, the more of those answers surprised me, y'all. The more often we started talking, because it got to when we literally started talking every day. And it's beautiful that once it started and never stop. We still talk every day. We now live together.

And, you know, we may have a little bit of time separated. But for the most part, if you see me, I got a headphone in my ear, and I'm probably on the phone with him. More than likely. But at that time, I got to know his routine. I got to see his work ethic. I got to see his parenting style, his parenting struggles. I got to see his mindset, why he's working so hard, what his

goal is for the future. That was one thing that I realized was big for me. I am very driven. I have a goal lifestyle in my mind. So I'm working towards that. I know what that is for me and I'm working towards that. I cannot be with someone who does not also have an end goal in mind. I don't believe in working to die. Like eat sleep work. Like I can't. and do that. I need a goal. We're working for something. And when it has to involve pleasure and enjoyment on the way and even more of it once we get to our destination, right? And I remember asking him, like, you know, when you're older, kids are grown out the house. You're sitting around whether on the porch and the living room and you're thinking about your life,

what is it that would make you say, I did good. I made it. I not only accomplished what I wanted, but I have had a successful life. And what he told me, I absolutely loved it. Like, I absolutely loved it. The vision he had for his life,

I could see that helping me reach my lifestyle, if that makes sense. Like, not necessarily helping me reach it because your girl going to get it regardless. But I could see how we could work together, rather, and we could both accomplish what we wanted. I'd already began to respect and admire the man he was, whether I was the woman with him or not. He's a dope man, period. So even when it got to a point where we would have issues in a relationship or it would be a little rocky.

There's just certain things I didn't say to him. There's a certain way I didn't treat him. I would not treat him. I would not talk to him because I already hold him at a higher level just because of who he is. Now the fact that he liked me, he chose me, he committed to me, you're just even more amazing of a man than I thought. But no, the attraction was natural.

That was beautiful. Because remember, he my ex. I ain't front for him. I don't want him. I already had him, right? I couldn't be more authentic than that in the way that I showed up. I cannot be more authentic than that. So even for him to be attracted to me,

I wasn't doing anything extra but just being myself. And now even though the attraction was natural, it wasn't easy. I've had to grow, mature, stretch myself a little bit. And this relationship, and he likewise, I said, I'm a cancer girl, Lewater Baby, romantic lover girl to the heart, right? He says something that hurt my feelings. I'm crying. Why would you say that?

That's a lie. I cannot imagine. I think we were watching a show or something. I was like, oh, my goodness, is that what I was like? And he was like, basically, I'm like, dang. But no, I had to learn how to. And I do not preach suppressing your emotions. However, I had to learn how to filter my emotion.

So, okay, my feelings are hurt. Is this a me thing or a him thing? Like, was he intending on hurting my feelings? Was he being malicious? Or is this the way that I perceived it and received the information? Well, if it's the way that I perceived it, then why did it hurt my feelings? What did it trigger in me? Okay, now, because it was.

his action that sparked this emotion, but I understand where it came from, is this something where I need to speak to him about it? Because if it keeps happening, it'll be an issue. Or is it something that I can correct in myself and keep on going? I learned how to process my emotions before I immediately reacted on them. I learned how to view him through curiosity, then condemn him. So even though I may not immediately agree, I may not be on the same page, instead of thinking, he's crazy, he's this, he's that, whatever,

that's interesting. Why do you feel that way? Hmm, how did you come up with that? So that way, I'm able to understand his thought process and trust his thinking. So now in the future, well, the future of back then. So now

when he says things I can trust him because I got to know his mindset, right? It won't just be working, y'all. My baby is so sweet to me. He is so tender to me. That is not his norm.

He can be really blunt and harsh. He's like, but it's a truth. I'm like, but it's mean. He has done a lot of work to, even though, he is not an emotionally expressive person. He's learned how to hold space for emotions, even though he may not understand it.

He's learned how to soften the blow if he has to say something that's, he already know I'm probably not going to like it when I hear it, right? So attraction was natural. I loved who he was at his core. I loved what he stood for, how he moved, all of those things, right? And he loved me as I showed up. I wasn't being extra, wasn't trying to do too much.

I really wasn't trying to do nothing at all, but just survive, right? That's where the attraction was natural. But we still had to work on some things to really be a well-oiled machine and work together, right? This is a whole other tangent. One day I'm going to have to bring him on,

and we can talk all things, our love story, right? That would be interesting. I'm pretty sure I'll learn something from that episode, that interview. However, bringing it back, making it full circle, the moral of the story. Being selfish is necessary. Stand up for yourself, protect yourself, align with what you want. look for what you need. Then once a man proves he is worth you making those concessions,

then you may potentially compromise here and there. And mind you, we're not starting off like just no home training. We're kind, we're intelligent, we're ambitious, right? We're doing all the things. So I may have a busy schedule. Oh, I'm sorry, I can't talk to you right now. I'm actually out with my friends. Oh, I have to go pick up the kids and do this and do that.

So you're protecting your time because he hasn't proven that he deserves for you to take time from these other important parts of your life yet. Now, don't just completely shut a man out because he'll take it as you're not interested and the door be closed, right? And then you can kind of do that in a way of, well, I'm out with my friends right now. but I can call you on my way home if that's okay so it lets them know okay you're busy you got a life cool cool you know you got a support system you got stuff to do

but you're going to make time for me you're going pencil me in I'll take it I'll take it and work with it I'm about to go pick up the kids from practice but after I drop them off to school tomorrow you want to hang out you want to talk or just say, you know, I'm available. You want to get together, whatever.

So being able to protect the boundaries that you have, being able to protect your time and your responsibilities and obligations, but also allowing room for him to prove who he is. And get to know him in those conversations, we're not just key-key in about television shows. At this point, I can talk to chat GPT for that. I want to get to know you. If you said you were interested in me,

you want to get to know me. I want to get to know you. Do you like your job? If not, what's your plan? If you have children, what's your co-parenting relationship like? What's your parenting style like? if you're ambitious like me and you need someone on an aligned mission, what are you working towards? What is the life that when you attain it, you can relax and know that everything was worthy

and that you finally made it? What does that look like for you? What do you look for in a partner? What does marriage mean to you? These are some important, deep questions that don't necessarily feel like an interview because even if you ask one question, there's going to be so many different tangents and when you're actually present and listening to understand and comprehend, then the conversation is going to flow naturally, right? And it's going to bounce back and forth. But date intentionally. Stop dating potential and start dating reality. This is how you protect your peace, your heart, and your value.

Ladies, stop selling yourself short. Stop giving away your love based on what might be. Your worth is not in potential. It's firmly, deeply rooted in reality.

And selfishness, that's not being rude or cold. That's a cheat code to how you get what you want and deserve. That's how you protect yourself. And if you take nothing else from today's episode, please remember this. Be selfish. Be the main character. And don't let your heart move faster than his actions.

That's how you date like the woman you know you are. Date like a man. Love like a queen. No judgment. Just true. I just want to say thank you all to each and everyone for tuning into episode nine of No Judgment Zone. Y'all, we're moving right on alone.

I'm so proud of my consistency. Even though I skipped last week. We ain't going to talk about that. Please share this episode with a friend who needs the reminder. Share it to spark the conversation. You know where to find me on, on, on IG at no judgment zone pod the DMs are always open on the IG page there's a link to a Google form and it's called whisper in my ear anything you want to say anything you want to get off

your chest any question you have just like this whole episode was based on a conversation and based on questions you still don't know the person you still don't know the situation I got you. But everyone is able to benefit from the experiences, the wisdom, the love, the truth, the accountability, right? That's what we're here for. Exploring pleasure, healing, and everything in between. So again, thank you for being here. Thank you for tuning in.

Thank you for loving on me and allowing me to love on you and share my journey with you. share what I have learned, allow me to turn my pain into purpose. And as always, move like the queens that we are. Because, baby, you motherfucking deserve pleasure.