No Judgment Zone: Exploring Pleasure and Healing - Soft, Wet, & Safe

Episode Date: June 23, 2025

This isn't your typical sex talk. In this episode, I'm unpacking how trauma, people-pleasing, and emotional shutdown have shaped the way we show up (or check out) in the bedroom. I'm also sharing how sensual safety changed my entire relationship with my body. If you've ever felt numb, hyper-aware, or like you're just "doing your job" during sex...this one is for you.

Hi everyone and welcome, welcome, welcome. This is the first official full episode of No Judgment Zone, exploring pleasure and healing where we discuss from pleasure to pain and everything in between. I just want to say thank you so much for tuning in and being here with me. This space is a safe place for myself as well as all of my listeners. and the community over on Instagram. So if you have not already subscribed to the page on Spotify, but also on No Judgment Zone Pod, on Instagram,

follow, DM me if you want to. There's the links to the podcast as well as a link to submit a confession, submit a question or a topic request, whatever it is that you want to get off of your heart and you want me to hold safely for them. for you. I am more than willing to do that. I would be happy to do that. So let's get into our very first topic, soft, wet, and safe. Now, you knew we were going to talk about pleasure and you knew we were going to talk about sex. But in order to sprinkle in a little healing, how do we make

it safe. How do we get to a place where sex is safe? And as we get into this conversation, please just know this topic and everything we discuss is not just about sex. It is about healing. When we are our healed selves, we can be our best selves. And that flows into every category of life, every title that we may hold, every position that we have to feel. So one of the things, when it comes to feeling safe during sex, we have to think about what happens before then, what has happened in our life, before that relationship, before that moment. And a lot of times we experience trauma or emotional shutdown and this effect, how we show up sensually. And a lot of my philosophy and ideologies is going to go back to childhood.

This is when we are taking in information. This is when we are making sense of the world. And we are learning how do we show up? What is our place? You know, what is our role? And in that, a lot of times, if you were the child who was told to be seen and not heard, you may now be the adult who has this un rational fear of speaking up or speaking out or being seen and so that translates to you're afraid to ask for what you really want and if you can't ask for what you really want then how are you going to get it or emotional shutdown when you were crying you were told stop crying or i'm going to give you something to cry for y'all i hated that by the way I'm a cancer, girly, water baby.

I will cry instantly. So growing up and not being able to cry was very hard for me. But imagine being shut down emotionally. And now you're in a relationship. And this person is looking at you like, do you not care about me? And in your brain, I absolutely love and adore you. I just don't know how to show it. I don't know how to express it because I was never given those skills.

So all these different factors play a part. The trauma that we go through, it plays a part in how we show up as adults in our most vulnerable and intimate moments, how we show up in the bedroom. And sometimes those coping mechanisms that we have learned show up, numbing out, disassociating, or simply just performing instead of actually being in the moment. and then even people pleasing something that you may not really like you don't enjoy but you stifle your pain just for the other person's pleasure and so now sex becomes transactional or becomes a duty and with that i'm gonna go i'm gonna go deep i'm not just going to say words and talk fluff i'm gonna be very honest i'm gonna be very vulnerable and transparent with you all um and this may be a trigger warning for some people. I was sexually assaulted as a minor in the early part of my life,

definitely before 10, before 7, because my dad remarried when I was 7. So it was before the age of 7. He was a single parent working overnight, and he left me with one of the sisters in the congregation. She had two daughters. So I'm sure he truly honestly felt like I would be safe. my very first offenders were girls. They were teenage years and I was a child, right? And it happened again. I would say teenage years, preteen, more so preteen. I want to say around 12, 11 or 12.

And my mother remarried and my offender at that time was one of my stepbrothers. my parents I love them dearly and one thing as an adult that I have come to give grace and forgiveness and compassion is they were still trying to get their lives together while raising me so some things that it may be like why didn't you see you know why didn't you know I was in danger I have made peace with that part of the situation. But I bring up my own history because there was a point in time in my marriage where and if you're married, you know, you go through phases, you go through things. If you're in long-term relationships, you understand that, you know, it's not always the same

as when it started. And there was a phase where it felt like my husband was checking out. It was in his mind one two, one two, one two, one two, like it was a job. For me, if you were not there to have pleasure with me and you're checking out, my first encounters with sex was not for my pleasure. It was not for love. It was not with passion. So being in that situation, it immediately triggers me.

and I feel like I'm back in that space. And it was one point I told him, I can't sleep with you. I need you to stop. And he's like, what's wrong? I'm like, you're not here. You're not present. You're not loving me. And if that's not what we're here for, I can do this because it puts me in this place.

It makes me feel like I am laying there, trying to put my mind on something else, reliving those moments all over again. And it was horrible. It was extremely horrible, not only to go through it initially as a child and be scared and not know and have all these questions and fears. And if I tell my parents, I'm going to get in trouble and all those things for a child to be burdened with, but then to relive it as an adult. And it's the person that you're supposed to be safe with. It's the person that's supposed to love you so much that they chose you out of everybody in this world. I'm trying to find the words to the emotions

and it was and still is traumatic to reflect on as I was preparing my bullet points for this episode I even had a moment where I started crying you know emotions that I didn't realize I was still holding on to I had to release and I share that to say the things that we go through it shapes our experiences. It shapes how we receive moments. It shapes our preferences. And even the way that we show up, if we tend to be people pleasers, if we're quiet and mild and meek

and don't really speak up, it shapes the sexual experiences that we will have because of the standards that we have for ourselves. So there's a lot of trauma body disconnect when it comes to sex. People are using sex as a distraction for life versus a celebration versus pleasure as it is fully intended for. And when it comes to sex, it brings up what does it actually mean to have good sex? What does that look like for you? When you think, oh my God, I can't wait to hit up the green. group chat and tell them, but I can't tell them too much, though. But I can't wait to tell my friends about this.

What came to your mind? What was that person's name? What was the position? What was the act? What was the sensation? What's good sex for you? Did it feel good? Did it look good?

Did it taste good? You know, when you watch porn, you see the performance, you see the flipping from here, there, the outlandish, the random construction worker and the girls walk up and it's like, hey, you want to have sex? Like, really? Y'all, come on. So you see the fantasies and you see the performance of it and the pressure of being perfect and the angles and the legs and all of this stuff, right?

But what does good sex look like, feel like how do you get there? One of the things that I must say is as I became more comfortable in my own body, as I became more comfortable with the idea that I deserve pleasure, I deserve to be happy, I actually started having better sex. There was a moment of time where I did not orgasm without. my vibrator. That's including being married with two kids and I did not orgasm without my vibrator. Leaving that marriage, I encountered a partner. I guess encountered a partner is the word you all used. But no, one of the things he is definitely a pleaser. And one of his things was

like, you know, I want to learn you. I want to learn your spots. I want you to tell me what feels good because I want to please you and I'm like I don't really touch myself and he's like what I was like I mean I try but it didn't feel good I much rather somebody else touch me so I just didn't do it and I remember he was like that's your homework excuse me he said that's your homework I want you to explore yourself so that you can tell me how you like to be touched me being the pleaser and the sub that I am, I was like, all right, challenge accepted. And granted, it's still not the same as somebody else touching me. However, I've learned the pacing that I like.

I've learned the angle. I've learned the certain spot on my clitoris that I like. The little details and being able to tell him that, one, not only did he enjoy it, but I enjoyed it, very much so, that I was like, oh, Lord, this is dangerous. But no, when you are able to explore your body and feel comfortable in your body on your own, that automatically raises the standard and raises the bar to any experience that you will share with someone else. Because you know you. And with that, if something's going left, you can be like, hey, let's try this or hey, let's do this.

And it doesn't have to be in a disrespectful or critical way. It's just simply, I know what works for me. And if you choose a partner who is loving and who is there for pleasure as well, they won't be offended. They will actually be grateful. Thank you for telling me, bet, and I'm going to do it over and, I'm going to do it over and and over and over again. And that is a beautiful place to be in. When you have two people who are showing up truly for a pleasurable moment to enjoy themselves,

there's no ego there because they don't know what it's like to be in your body. They don't know what you feel. Just like you don't know what it's like to be in their body. You don't know what they feel. So you show up with no ego. both of you with a mindset to please but also to be pleased and willing to learn and have fun and laugh at each other and all the silly things that happen during sex because you know it's not a beautiful porn movie every single time somebody may stumble may slip and fall or whatever the

case may be or the noises that are made or whatever it is there's safety in those moments of wetness and softness and fun and pleasure or when you cry because the physical release is also giving you an emotional release and your partner says it's okay i got you let it out oh lord y'all the flashbacks i'm sorry but for me good sex is emotionally safe regulating my nervous system and one big key part um that i don't know if many people practice but an energetic check-in because i'm sure you've heard of soul ties and when you sleep with someone you're sharing energies and you're picking up some of you know a little bit of them with you and you're giving them a little bit of you.

But notice how you feel after you sleep with somebody. That is like a big thing for me. I've been working on myself love, my self-esteem, confidence, happiness, pleasure, love, and light. The universe is going to give me everything that I want. I am extremely happy and ecstatic. If I sleep with you and then all of a sudden I'm doubting everything in my life. I'm doubting myself.

I feel just gloom and oh my goodness I don't know if I could do this wait a minute these are my thoughts what the hell is going on what the hellie y'all like when I tell you it's real it's real or somebody that you may have slept with for whatever the reasons and you feel icky afterwards like you just feel like you might as well just bathe in garbage you just feel dirty Listen to your body. It doesn't matter what it felt like in the moment. How are you feeling after you mix with these people? That alone has been reason enough for me to be like,

nah, we can't do that. No, I just don't have a desire for that with you. Thank you. If you feel like, you know, still talking me, that's cool. But now I don't want to go there with you. And again, you don't have to be disrespectful. But again, you do have to. have to speak up for yourself. Being a people pleaser is the quickest way to kill your life,

to kill your joy. You have to be able to speak up for yourself and to stand up for yourself. Or your joy, your pleasurable moments are really just a matter of luck. It's just a matter if you stumble upon if the right things line up and oh wow, I had a really good day today. versus planning a good day. What makes you happy? Let's start there. What food do you like? What hobbies do you enjoy and hobbies you do not get paid for?

Nor does someone else benefit from them. It's literally just something for you to be happy. So how are you living your life day to day? How are you showing up and protecting yourself and setting standards for yourself? That will automatically elevate the quality of sex that you have because those qualities are going to carry over into the bedroom. From jump, getting to know yourself, getting to know your body, knowing what outfits you look good in, knowing what outfits make you feel comfortable, make you feel sexy, make you feel cozy.

It was like, if he don't want it shit, I wanted my damn self. Being able to know your body and learn your body and teach it to somebody else with no ego, no judgment no fear of shame or any of that you know how fun that is when you get that person where you can share all of your kinks with even the ones that are like kind of out there and everybody has like a kink that's kind of out there it's like I don't know if they can handle this but then when you tell them and they're like yo I thought about that too you want to try it And it was like, oh my goodness. Who are you surrounding yourself with?

How are you showing up? Do you give yourself grace? Or are you very critical of yourself? You got to take inventory of those things. Everything in your life begins in your mind. Your mindset. The way you talk to yourself. The things that you choose to birth and create.

Everything begins in your mind. mind take inventory of what's going on up there what are you feeding it what type of entertainment do you consume and i'm not saying you can't watch reality tv i love reality tv but should that be the only thing you watch what kind of music do you listen to are you always rushed every day every day and then you're blaming yourself oh you're so stupid you keep doing this you know you need to be here by a certain time is that how you talk to yourself and so because you're so used to hearing it in your head when somebody else talks to you that way you don't even flinch so subconsciously you don't think you deserve pleasure and y'all know i don't believe that so how are you showing up in your life

because that's how you're going to show up in the bedroom now once i started exploring my body once I started realizing what felt good to me, y'all want to tell y'all a secret. I mean, I guess it's been best. I don't need a vibrator to orgasm. I just need to really, really like that person and be in the right position. And it's magic, baby. Every time, multiple times. Good sex for me makes me forget I'm human. makes me forget I have any responsibilities.

Makes me damn near forget who I am. Good sex for me allows all of me to show up in that room. And when I say all of me, I'm very spiritual. I'm very realistic, though. I'm very passionate. Specifically, my ladies, have you ever just adored a man so much and felt so safe and so comfortable that while you were sucking his dick the prayers in your head actually come out through your mouth and you like god bless this man

have y'all ever had a moment like that or is that just me i told y'all i love sex okay and I got to have passion. And pleasure is an absolute must. But yes, I have prayed over the dick, y'all. And that's actually one of his favorite memories too. He's like, yo, you don't get that just everywhere, okay? But no, when you're actually able to be comfortable with yourself, if you're comfortable with that person,

a completely different version of you shows up in that moment of intimacy. It actually allows for a deeper form of intimacy, y'all. It allows for a heightened sensation. I know you've heard you have to please a woman's mind before you can please her body. Because as women, when our mind leaves our body leaves our body during sex it's like nothing you might as well be shaking hands like yes our vagina may be wet yes you may be penetrating us and because we are so nurturing and we care about your ego we may be faking the funk however our mind isn't there our heart isn't there and we're not being pleased bringing your mind

to the moment and this is especially for my ladies who have to down a household who have kids who have to go to work you got to worry about the bills all of these things are going through your mind because if you don't think about it it's not going to get done right in these moments when you are gifting yourself to someone and you are gifting a moment of pleasure to yourself because you know you deserve it I need you to bring your mind back I need you to stop and think why you are even sharing this moment with this person in the first place. Who are they to deserve this access to you? And it doesn't have to be your partner.

If you are in a casual relationship, think about how this person makes you laugh, how you can call them whenever and they answer. Think about the qualities that you enjoy and you appreciate about this person. Then I want you to open your eyes and look at what they're doing to your body. Look at how they're looking at you. Listen to the moans, the way they're touching you. And I want you to remind yourself in the moment I deserve every bit of this. I deserve to be pleased without earning it. I deserve to be happy. I deserve to be happy. I deserve. for my body to be taken care of.

Don't rush it. Make sure you breathe, but be present in the moment. And I promise you, I promise you, it's going to change the whole atmosphere in the room. It's going to change the whole session. Being present changes everything.

even for my fellas that are listening, I know. Y'all got a lot of pressure. Y'all have a lot of pressure. A lot of times when we think of good sex, we automatically think of what the man did in that moment. And I'm speaking for what I've experienced, the male and female dynamic. But we think about what the male did that made it good.

Excuse me, y'all. But even if y'all are able to get out of your head and enjoy the moment, take your time. Is she even wet yet before you trying to stick it in? Did you tell her thank you? Ooh, y'all. Ooh, child, I'm getting hot. But no, seriously, everything starts in the mind.

Be present. Control your thoughts. Control what you think about. Promise you it's going to change it. It's going to change the game. it's going to change the game and then once you are feeling pleasure you're not stingy anymore and you want to give some back so you don't mind showing out and doing that little trick that you know that you keep in a bag and then when you show out for them like I'm like oh

no I ain't going to let them out do me uh-uh and it just is a constant upward cycle of pleasure y'all all right y'all still here or did y'all have to pause and go grab a toy or something i wouldn't be mad if you did okay but these are the type of things that allow sensual safety your relationship with your own body that's off the rip your relationship with yourself off the rip before someone even steps in And then choosing somebody that also makes you feel safe, emotionally, spiritually, physically, mentally, that's the foundation. And then when you have those different factors and y'all join together, the sky is the limit, y'all. Two people who are comfortable with themselves, who are kind to themselves so therefore they can be kind to you and understand your experience, even though they may not be living yet. show up with no judgment and the goal is pleasure you literally can't go wrong with that combination

like it all and i'm speaking from experience told y'all my first experiences with sex were not chosen before the age of 10 i have been married for an extended period of time i am a lover girl so i do prefer sex within a relationship however i'm a millennial i'm realistic it ain't always been like that but I can definitely say in this era of my life being comfortable with myself like there are certain things just anybody can't get this I already told you I'm different I pray over to do I'm different don't ever everybody don't have access to that but because of that because I have cultivated my sexuality and my sensuality and who I am I'm able to choose someone who matches that.

And baby, if you can match my freak, it's a good time. What you want to eat afterwards? What kind of drinks you like so I can have on hand some refreshments? Okay. But notice how it started off with my own healing. It started off with how I treated myself, how I chose to. show up had a nice nudge to explore myself a little bit more but i had to accept that i had to follow through on that and from there it's literally only gotten better i don't know why i keep having to

burp excuse me but healing is essential to experiencing pleasure it is essential to be able to have the best sex of your life because if you think you've had the best sex and it's solely physical I promise you imagine that times 10 because it's emotionally healing it's spiritually gratifying like you leave left wanting for nothing you feel recharged you're able to tackle your to do list for the day you're able to deal with them fussing kids but it don't matter you're able to not pop off at susy at work when she say something stupid for the 10th time in a row because you understand that's not where you get your pleasure and you know you're going to get pleasure so you ain't even tripping about all that if anything you're looking at all the well not all of them

but at least you're looking at susy like girl you just need to get you some good good because who child chill out how are y'all feeling y'all like in this conversation please let me know leave a comment DM me if you don't want people to see your name I get it I have an anonymous podcast y'all DM me if you don't want people all up in your business and again follow me on Instagram at no judgment zone pod submit one of your stories submit a question submit a confession

whatever it is that you want to share the link is in my bio on the Instagram page and I want to leave you with this challenge journaling was very paramount to my healing journey especially at the very beginning that was for the most part the only time I really made time for myself

to show up without performing without being rushed without anything is when I sat down to journal and I want to give you this prompt or even if you aren't like a physical write it out if you want to think about it i know some people have an audio journal and they just kind of talk it out but i want you to think about the question when was the last time that you felt safe in your body think about what led to that where you were who you were with what you were doing what you were wearing what made you feel

comfortable and safe. Now, if you're still with me, first I want to say thank you. Thank you for making space for this conversation. I know it wasn't surface level. It wasn't fru-frew. And that's the point. We're not here for surface level. This episode wasn't just about sex.

It was about safety. it was about showing up for yourself when no one taught you how and how you can reclaim your body your voice your pleasure and if this stirred something in you even if it was uncomfortable that means that you're alive that means there's more for you and you deserve to explore every drop of that thank you again for tuning in to the no judgment zone where we talk about pleasure pain and everything in between share this with someone who needs it whisper in my ear and you know how and until next time always remember you deserve safety you deserve softness and baby you deserve pleasure pleasure