No Such Thing As A Fish - 422: No Such Thing as The Long Kiss Good Brie

Episode Date: April 15, 2022

In our Easter Special Compilation, James, Anna, Andrew and Dan send lawbreaking emails, potentially libel the Royal Family, get a warm welcome in Dublin and are hounded out of Newcastle.  Visit nosuchthingasafish.com for news about live shows, merchandise and more episodes.

Hello and welcome to this week's episode of No Such Things as a Fish. It is Good Friday and what does that mean? Well, it means you probably have a day off work and it means we're gonna have a little day off as well because we have got for you this week the second half of our live show compilation. This is loads of bits from all of our live shows, bits that were too good to go in the original edit, frankly. Too funny, too stupid, too silly, too getting the facts wrong, too much audience interaction. We begin with an extremely keen audience and end with let's say a less keen audience. You've got that to look forward to in between loads and loads of facts, loads and loads of fun. I really

hope you enjoy this and we'll be back with a normal episode of No Such Things as a Fish next week. For now though, on with the podcast. Hello and welcome to another episode of No Such Things as a Fish, a weekly podcast this week coming to you live from Dublin. My name is Dan Schreiber. I am sitting here with Anna Tyshensky and Drew Hunter-Murray and Jane Tarkin. And once again, we have gathered around that microphone with our four favorite facts of the last seven days. And in that particular order, here we go. Starting with fact number one. Okay. Come the fuck down everyone. It's 7 p.m. Starting

with fact number one and that is Andy. My fact is, you had all that time to prepare. One, two, no, it's still gone. Wow. All right. Well, time for fact number two. Remember my friend, I think I told you guys once claimed that he was at a festival and he claimed one night after being missing the whole night, came back, he said, I had an amazing sleep last night. I found a pillow that I used. It was a soft rock. And everyone was like, what? He was like, I swear to God, I slept on a soft rock. It was the softest rock ever. No one believed him and he talked about it for all morning and he eventually said, I'm sick of taking crap for this. I'm going to show you the soft rock. So he took

everyone to the field that he fell asleep in and he went there. There's the soft rock. And what they discovered was it was a hardened cow pat that was shell like and it just slightly dented to the shape of his head when he laid on it. He was like, oh, it's like the shroud of Turin of this guy's face. I thought it was going to be a complicated joke where he led you to the field and the Eagles were playing as he went to sleep. But no, that will put you to sleep. Tell everyone what happened to you the other day when you opened up your door and you were wearing, you know, such thing as a fish t-shirt. Oh, I was wearing a fish hoodie and I opened the door. It was a guy from Amazon and he said, no such thing

as a fish. I like that. And I said, oh, do you listen? And he said, no, I know what he just said, I keep fish. I thought that's good. Oh, yeah. And he said, what is it? I said, it's nothing. Shall I go away? If you, if you use, if you kind of make plot plants and put plants in pots, you can die. There was someone who died quite recently in the last 10 years of a brain eating amoeba that they caught from a pot plant. But don't let the name worry you. It's actually not a true amoeba. It's a shape shifting amoebo flagulate excavate. There's a woman who has made a website. She's called, I've actually only written down her first name, which is Avril. So find her. She's, oh no, she's called Avril Shepherd,

sorry. And she's made a website of every single weird festival in Britain. And she has gone to as many as she possibly can. She's been doing 10, 11 years. So, and she's gone and personally reviewed them. And so you can click on any day of the year and get every single weirdo festival. So I was in, I was in February, I got to late February. And I was reading about the rhubarb festival in Wakefield, where you can get a tour of the forcing sheds, which is where they force rhubarb, which I always think is a really aggressive term for what is just quite an innocuous thing to do. And so I was reading about the rhubarb festival. I thought I won't go to that. And then in March, there's the Slate Weight moon raking

festival. And this is related to this legend in this place, where basically the locals tried to fish the moon out the lake, but they didn't really, they just did it to trick the locals, Google it, to trick the police. Anyway, this moon raking festival is a huge deal, very exciting. And Avril was like, it's brilliant. It's so fun. There's a big parade through the streets. There's a moon arriving by barge. I did go in 2013, although no one turned up that year because all the moon rakers are defected to the rhubarb festival at Wakefield. Can't be that fucking good, Avril. He had been an absolute millionaire because of all these arts jokes he was selling.

Three or four years later, he was gone, completely penniless. And that was just like one week's work by LaGuardia. He was Artie Broke, I believe, was the submission from the, very nice, very nice indeed. Definitely worth it, that. Well done. Good choice. This guy knows our level. That was good news. But apparently in their breaks, this lady, this MI5 employee said, the Girl Guide retires to her attractive little sitting room where she converses on high topics with her friends.

She said that they would, they took their jobs very seriously, as you can imagine, and she said their function is to snub you when you seek to penetrate beyond the sacred portals of their office. I think snubbing is cool for under those circumstances. Craig, can you say that again, the portals of their office? If you seek to penetrate through the portals of their office and if you're hearing anything other than a metaphor there, then that is your problem and not the Girl Guides. No, it sounds like Stargate.

I have, I read a little about the Texas Mosquito Festival just because they've got a mascot, you know, someone in a huge mosquito costume. The name of the mascot is Willie Manchu. What? Willie Manchu. That's funny. Is it? Yeah. Well, Manchu, I get.

Oh, yeah. Willie Manchu, yes he will. What? Is the mosquito pantomime. Wait, what? What? What is a Yoda? What kind of sense of structure is this?

I just found another level on that joke, because honestly, I was just thinking the word Willie's quite funny. Yeah. I think we've talked before about how you attract bees to sort of make them sit on you and you do it by hanging the queen bee next to your face, basically. Oh, is that what it is? Yeah, and so they have a festival to see who can wear the most bees. It's pretty impressive.

That's seriously impressive, because getting a queen bee is quite hard, because there's a lot of bees to work out which one she is, right, to begin with. I think it's quite obvious which one the queen is. Is it? She's got a massive crown. Yeah. No. No.

No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No.

No. What? Look at that. Not everything makes it into the final edit. That goes into the legally contentious outtakes file, but I got such a big laugh, it made us have to say. I think it's going to stay, yeah. Be wearing, be wearing.

You better say you know. Libellous claims that definitely will never make it to air. Sometimes they have spies in the competitions, which is incredibly exciting. Sometimes it's up and vanishingly rarely. But in 1988, there was a woman called Michelle Anderson who infiltrated Miss California. This was so cool. That's disgusting. Sorry.

Is that the talent round? She secretly entered Miss California. I got it, yeah, yeah, yeah. No, she had been trying to get into a few different beauty pageants so that she could basically make a feminist statement. And she'd done badly. She'd failed a few times. She never thought she was especially good looking or anything like this.

But she realized that what they were looking for in effect. And so she did months of dieting, training, tanning, feigning the beliefs, you know, really giving the impression that she was a fully paid up member of this thing. And then at Miss California, she was in the absolute final. And seconds before the winner was announced, she got a silk banner out from her cleavage and unfurled it to say pageants hurt all women and started waving it around as then was wrestled offstage. But she'd been through months and months and months of kind of deep cover training to get

to this point. That's like Miss Congeniality, isn't it? It is like Miss Congeniality, which is a fucking good film. It is. It's an amazing film. Yeah. So good. Sandra Bollack.

And there's definitely no sequel. Rubbish. Have you guys heard of Yui Chiro Mura? No. So he is a sportsman. He's Japanese. He was the oldest person in the world to climb Mount Everest. He climbed to age 70.

Then five years after that, he did it again at the age of 75. He started again at the age of 80. I remember this guy. He keeps breaking his own record, doesn't he, like 80, 85 and 90. And that always reminds me of, you know, when you do video games and you race your own ghost from the previous time that you set a record. And I, you know, do you guys know? Which one's that?

Which game's that? I think you do that. You race your own ghost. So you set a record. Okay. I think it's one player mode, Anna. Sometimes my friends didn't want to come round. I like the way that it's like, you know when you're playing video games, you only play

one video game and it's Diddy Kong Racing. And video games have moved on quite a bit since then. Is there no more racing your own ghost? Look, this guy, he's 150. He knows what I'm talking about. He remembers Diddy Kong. And I just like to think that your art life rests and you're part overtaking your own ghost. And then it overtakes you.

Wouldn't that be cool? Yeah. Yeah. That's not what happens today. Remember, I did that with a fish gig. We had to email everyone coming to the gig saying, sorry, the time has changed for the gig. And for some reason, you idiots let me do it.

And I, you CC'd. I CC'd everyone at the gig. Yeah. And it was just after there was this whole movement about, you know, people's privacy It was literally like the fucking next day after that happened. It's not, it wasn't a movie when it was a law. Oh, it's horrific. I thought, yeah, I thought I was going to jail.

It was scary. Well, stroving was a huge deal, wasn't it? Because basically lots of animals farmed in Wales, not that many animals farmed or not as many in the centre of England, where there was lots more wealthy people, sadly, and medieval and pre-industrial times who wanted to buy all the meat from Wales. So the huge stroving industry. And the thing I love the most is that there's between Anglesey and Wales, there's the Menai Straight, which is sort of, well, it's a straight.

And at its, at its thinnest, it's a straight. Great. But confusingly, it's a bit wiggly. So. Yes. Yeah. Yeah. It's not a straight straight.

I never said that. It's about 200 metres wide, and it's narrowest. And at that point, drovers would not only drive, they would swim, castle. And so, and pigs. And so they'd jump in the water with the castle and the pigs, and they'd all swim them over. Now, I don't know how you heard, you know, 800 pigs while you're also trying to swim across 200 metres of quite fast flowing water, but they did it until 1826. They did it, and they did it in their pyjamas, and they got a brick from the bottom of the pool.

It's very impressive. Wow. Yeah. That was, yeah, swimming proficiency was tougher in those days. What do you reckon is the most unread emails anyone's got or had? Oh, you see their pictures on, you know, the 100,000, you know. No more than that. There's millions.

4 billion, 294 million, 967,257 unread emails. A guy called Joey Mananzala from America. It's Boris Johnson. They're all from Sue Gray saying, where are you? Need to talk now. But apparently if you don't reply, if you like, leave a lot of emails unread in your email thing, it means that you might be well adjusted. And the reason being that the emails are from someone else wanting you to do something.

So if you're doing the things that are important to you instead of the things that are important to other people, it might be that you've got the balance right. It's not getting the balance right. Always doing things that are important to you rather than things that are important to other people. I try to help you here, rather. You know in that election with the elected church in 1951, do you know that the Labour government in that election got a more vote, more people's votes than in any winning or

losing party in any election before or until 1992? So the Labour government, sorry, Labour got more of the popular vote than the Tories, because it sometimes happens as we know, but the Tories won. But isn't that extraordinary? They got more votes than anyone had ever got before and lost it. Yeah. It's a kick in the face. You might as well have got none.

The first parody I found of Conan Doyle was an article in the newspaper by someone called Donan Coyle in 1888. This was in a newspaper in Portsmouth. And what happened was this was really early in Conan Doyle's time. He had written an article called On the Geographical Distribution of British Intellect. And he came up with this theory that people who lived in the south were really good at poetry, music and art, and people who lived in the north were really good at theology, science and engineering.

Make sense, because in the north you're closer to God. You suck up. It's just higher up, isn't it? When you read the article of Conan Doyle's original, he's really throwing us north and there's a bit of a bone. He's basically saying how great the south is. And so this person who was Donan Coyle wrote about Hampshire. And he said, because Hampshire's so far south, he said, the soot in Hampshire is smuttier

than any other soot. The grass of Hampshire is greener than jealousy itself. The cats of Hampshire are paragons of cats. They catch more mice, breed more kittens, per more softly than any other cats in creation. The fleas of Hampshire are the finest fleas of the species. They are more bloodthirsty, have greater powers of suction, skip more nimbly and are caught less easily than any other fleas in Britain. I still don't want to visit Hampshire based on this.

I don't know if I want the smuttiest soot. Is that soot that watches porn? Yeah, I was reading about this amazing woman called Mieko Nagaoka, who has just retired actually from a swimming career, which has been a 25-year-long swimming career. And she broke 18 world records and she started swimming in her early 80s. So she's a hundred and five hundred and sixty-nine. She must have won beaten world records of her age group. No, just fastest in the world.

18, 19. Swimming, right. Yeah, I think of her age group. And she's pretty cocky about it. She published a book aged a hundred, the title of which was The Catchy. I'm a hundred years old and the world's best active swimmer. So impressive stuff. But yeah, she has retired now.

Because at a hundred, five hundred and six, you've got to spend some time with your family. There was a famous guy called Chris Robinson. He was kind of a little bit famous. He was in a soap opera in America called General Hospital. He played Dr. Rick Weber. And he invested around $100,000 in beanie babies, which is basically all of his kids' college money. And he went completely, he lost every penny.

But on the plus side, he does now have 20,000 beanie babies. What a huge comfort that must be, given his children don't speak to him anymore. So presumably he can't even give the grandchildren the beanie babies. He used to take his kids to McDonald's in order to get the beanie babies. And one of their friends, one of their buddies, had to go to hospital because they were feeling so sick off the amount of McDonald's that Chris Robinson. And the kids speculate that he wasn't sick.

He just was so sick of actually eating the McDonald's. He would rather be in hospital than he would be at another McDonald's. You don't have to eat all the happy meals. This is a bit like at Christmas, we hide coins in the Christmas pudding. And it's to incentivize you to eat it. And you have to eat all the pudding before you get the coin. But was he doing a similar thing? Did McDonald's say you have to eat the happy meals?

We've hidden the beanie baby in the heart of the burger. Kidlywink was also a word for a child. Kidlywink? Yeah, Kidlywink. No, but supposedly Kidlywink wasn't just like a cute name. It was someone who had suggested a Kidlywink, the Kidlywink bars that open. And his name was Kidlywink.

Come on, Dan. First name Kidly, second name Wink. Yeah, that's the story. Hang on, sorry, what was a Kidlywink? A bar? Yeah, they were places you would go for alcohol, so an alcohol shop. And they were opened by someone who was called Kidlywink.

Kidlywink, yeah. Don't believe it. Sainsbury's is named after someone called Sainsbury. Yeah, it's not crazy there might be someone called Kidlywink. And also Meatloaf, who's passed away, turns out it's Meatloaf. It's Mr. Loaf, that's his second name. Yeah, but he didn't invent the Meatloaf. Well, no, but the Meatloaf is obviously one word, right?

And I always thought Meatloaf was one word. It's not. It's Meatloaf, Mr. M. Loaf. Hang on, so his parents call him Meat? No, it's not his real name. But he decided with the pseudonym. It's his real surname. He was born Peatloaf.

Yeah, yeah. Just quickly on the drink porter. You know, the drink, a porter, a bit of an old-fashioned one, but it does come from being a drink for porters. And it was because in London porters that were a huge deal until the end of the 19th century when everything completely changed. And they used to get so many of their calories from beer.

So it was estimated that in the 18th century, a manual worker would get about 2,000 calories a day that they needed in their working life from beer. And all pubs would have benches outside with tables next to them for the porters to dump their stuff on. And they would have an initiation ritual. There's a thing in the Ship Tavern, which people might know. It's near Lincoln's Inn Fields in London, near Hoven.

And that was where the porters' union would always hang out and they go to pick up their pay and everything. And the initiation ritual when someone became a porter was that you'd have the badge of office dropped into a mug of strong ale and you had to extract it with your teeth without spilling any. Cool. Well, you had to get it out of a thing of ale

without spilling any. Well, I think you would drink the drink and then at the bottom you kind of get it with your mouth, right? I was thinking you had to, like, bob for it in a plain glass but not get any beer out of the glass. I think they just didn't make glasses like that. No one's face is that shape. I live for the day that you're on Taskmaster Avenue.

LAUGHTER Drink this glass of beer. I'm just shoving my face in it. I don't want to do it. So, um, carp... Did you hear that in 2012? No, it's too stupid. Scientists at the University of Manchester made a magic carpet

which is very exciting. Yeah, not a classic magic carp. They made one which... That's the name of a Pokemon dino. Is it? Magic carp, yeah. Does it have a magic carpet? No, it's like a pathetic little fish that flops around.

Can it fly? No, it can barely swim. Why is it called magic carpet? It's like a carp, but it's magic. I understand. Every day is a school day. Yeah. This is reminding me of my school days a lot.

But I also knew jack shit about Pokemon. We've got to move on in a second to our next fact. I've got one other thing that's banned in New York. You know, this is about baby artichokes. So, in 1974, nunchucks were banned in New York. Sounds reasonable. Maybe, but it's the home of the Ninja Turtles. And you'd think that would have some play.

Not in 1974, it wasn't. Yeah. A good point. But also, the police are always after the Ninja Turtles. Are they? Are they? Yeah. I'm not...

Vigilantes, you know, they're doing it without permission of the police for... Let's just keep going. But basically, this ban lasted for more than 40 years and it was struck down in 2018. So, nunchucks are now allowed in New York. Great news if you're planning to go. Yeah.

But they were struck down thanks to one guy, one nunchuck nut called James Maloney, who loved his nunchucks and had been arrested in 1981 for doing a public demonstration. And he went to court saying he wanted them and the judge said, OK, I think you're fine. And James Maloney's argument was basically, these are so crap that they're not a proper threat to life and limb.

He said, if you're going to commit a crime, you're going to commit these two sticks. And the judge agreed and lifted the ban. Wow. It's a happening story of citizen power to get nunchucks right. Yes, that's cool. I'd be so suspicious if someone's born that grudge for 40 years. I'd be thinking, I've had this...

There's got to be something dangerous about these things. I have nunchucks. I made some myself because I... You made some? Yeah, well, because in Hong Kong, I did karate as a kid and I learned nunchucks and I always thought they're a really cool thing. Sometimes people keep a thing by the bed just in case...

Glass of water? Yeah. You know, to protect yourself and your family. So I keep nunchucks by the side of my bed. OK. Yeah, and when I was dating my now wife, there was a night where she thought someone broke into the house and then we heard the door go

and I leapt up out of bed and I grabbed the nunchucks and I stood on the bed with the nunchucks looking at the door. Still on the bed. And Fenella was so confused by that that we forgot about the possible robber and just had a chat about, why are you holding nunchucks on the bed? And it was because I was saving our lives.

That's the answer. Wow. The robber heard at the door and went, I'm not getting involved in this. I'm out, guys, it's cool. Oh, just another silly Japanese saying that my friend told me some of my friends are actually making a documentary in Japan

in rice paddy fields in the middle of nowhere. And she's Japanese, but she came across and saying that she'd never heard of when she was talking to a guy who was helping his neighbor plow his field. And so she said, why are you doing that? He's your neighbor. And he said, it's very important.

It's my duty. You must never forget your duty or your fundoshi. And your fundoshi is like the pants that Sumo wrestlers wear. Very old-fashioned kind of pants, like a loincloth thing. That's cool. And so she said, that's a weird saying. He's like, yeah, it's an old saying. And he's this really somber, and she's filming,

he's this very serious, very dry, doesn't really say anything, old guy. And he just said, yeah, if you don't have your fundoshi, everyone can see you're willy. That's a great saying. That's a great saying. Your duty is just the same. I read this cool story.

A guy called Steve Robertson, he bought a house in 2018, and the tenant was still living on the property. So the tenant then moved out in 2019. And Steve tried to claim $5,166 off of the old tenant because he said that in the time between him buying and the tenant leaving, the tenant had moved a 10-ton rock onto the property. And he was like, I didn't buy this rock.

I don't know why it's here. And she said, well, I didn't put this rock there. This was always there. You just didn't see the massive 10-ton rock. He said, I think I would have seen a 10-ton rock. And so she produced photos from 2016 saying, here's the 10-ton rock. And he said, I'm pretty sure you hired a crane.

So he denied the evidence. He claimed that she hired a crane that once having sold the house, then imported a 10-ton rock onto the property for no good reason whatsoever, other than to maybe just, I don't know, put a crane on him. How did she prove that a photo of the rock on the premises

was from 2016? Was she reading a copy of a 2016 newspaper with a recognizable event? I don't know. I guess I might let Leicester win the premiership or whatever with the rock in the background. No, because there's time stamping on a lot of digital photos.

That's a better idea. Good point, Kat. Wait, whose side are we on? I don't know who's right. I think she's right because she's got evidence there was a massive 10-ton rock on the property that he bought. But why would he have not seen the rock? OK, I don't know why you're on his side.

2016 was the year of Brexit and Trump and I picked, as an event that happened in it, Leicester winning the premiership. I don't even like football. I actually think the only thing I'll remember is this rock star. Did you read about this story? In 2018, there was a court where the jury

had to read all 218 pages of a book called Behind the Artichokes. OK. And this apparently, so the judge in this case said, they thought it was the first time since Lady Chastley's lover that the jury had been asked to read an entire book to decide on a case. The case in this instance was basically

this massive round between three sisters and this woman, Gillian Leedon, had written this book behind the artichokes laying into her other two sisters, accusing them of stealing from their mother and abusing their mother, which it seems like they weren't. And she sent this book to the vicar and to the local counsellors and, you know,

to every man and his dog and yet to decide who was in the wrong. Then the entire jury had to sit down and read behind the artichokes self-published book. And apparently it contains details of one of the sisters' bowel movements. So... Wow.

...calls the other sister a hippopotamus. Thank you. And I don't know where it stands in the Lady Chastley's lover hierarchy, but maybe it's worth a read. It's not quite as sexy, does it? Um... You've definitely not...

You've buried the lead if it's as sexy as Lady Chastley's lover. I think it depends what you're into. You know, I've got ten copies. A Nobel Prize went to these guys called Paul Lauterbauer and Peter Mansfield in 2003 for developing MRI technology, basically. But there's a guy called Raymond Damadian

who says that he invented it and he should have got the Nobel. And it caused this huge ruckus. I mean, often there's a lot of people involved in scientific discoveries, various bits of the process. The Nobel Committee decided, Peter and Paul, maybe because it's biblical, they should get it because they contributed the most.

And Raymond, immediately after the Nobel Prize was awarded, took out a series of full-page ads in the New York Times, the Washington Post, and the LA Times that cost him hundreds of thousands of dollars, all saying things like, shame for wrong that must be righted. You know, a person who invented MRI

robbed of their Nobel Prize. They did what they did, fully knowing the evil of what they were doing. The main reason he didn't get it is there are different innovations that happened. It's the MRI scanner that was given the Nobel Prize. He was part of the MR scanning, I believe that's right.

And so, yeah. But he's very pissed off. So MRI, the eye is for imaging. So he just did a scan, but he didn't tell anyone what he saw. There is an even more advanced version, the MRI eye scanner, but that's only for sailors and pirates at the moment.

Jesus Christ. It's time for our final fact of the show, and that is my fact. My fact this week is that when leaving the Norwegian military, soldiers must now hand over their used underpants and socks for the next recruit to wear.

It used to be that you would give every other bit of clothing back. But you got to keep the pants. Yeah, but then, you know, it's been a hard time in the pandemic, and they haven't been able to get their hands on extra underwear. Oh, come on, Andy.

I don't know why I keep doing this. I'm trying to make the edit hard for you. Woodpeckers are just storing more and more of these acorns. They will use sometimes not just trees, but there's a lot of wooden lamp posts around there, and they'll find that, and they won't notice it necessarily to begin with.

People who work, they'll just find the lamp posts and they will be storing it all the way through there. People's houses, if they have... What is a weird acting lamp post? Darling, I think the lamp post looked at me pretty funny today. LAUGHTER I started saying some freaky shit.

Yeah, good point. So then the other thing I was going to say was the houses as well, like a lot of people's houses, there are garages and so on, and there's a professor who was asked about it saying, what can we do? Surely there's some kind of bear piss

that we can put around here. Do you know how you buy on... We bought some on Amazon the other day. It was really weird. There was foxes around our area, and someone went, you should get some tiger piss and bear piss, and you can buy that. Did you buy it? Well, we've bought some,

but it hasn't arrived yet. They're still milking the tiger, aren't they? So you'd think there would be stuff that you could use, but Walter Koenig, who's a senior scientist at Cornell Lab of Ornithology, was asked about it, and his advice was, you've got a simple three-point plan. Move out of your house,

bulldoze it, and rebuild it in Stucco. Which, what's Stucco? I should have read up where that word is. Building material that's not wood. Great. If you don't want to flatten your home, I have read that you can tie helium balloons

around the area that's being assaulted. And lift the house away. Like up. I think it puts them off the colours. It ruins the aesthetic of a house. It looks like you've constantly got a tacky children's birthday party going on. Or a cool adult birthday party.

Do you want to hear the most underpants anyone's ever had on? Most pairs of underpants. Yeah, yeah. Have a guess. OK, well, the other day, we were talking and we found out the maximum number of socks that anyone's wore on one foot. Can you remember where that was done? It was 152,

but then I think someone broke the record by putting on 180. So 180 socks. I reckon it would be similar for pants. 180 pairs of pants. Wouldn't the hang on? I'm going to say... I'm going to say 280.

I'm going to say 98. Thank you. Anyone? No one cares. OK, I'll put us all out of our misery. 302. I think it's very good.

Gary Craig broke the record in 2011 when he donned 211 pairs of pants. 200 pairs of pants. Imagine the pressure at the heart of that. Like a black hole. You think you could spontaneously combust at that point from the inside?

He'll then audition for Britain's Got Talent. I'm afraid I don't know how far he got in the process. He broke the record and that's when he got mad and he decided to get even and he re-broke his own record or rather the broken record in 2012 and he said, putting on all those pants is harder than it looks because you're carrying an incredible weight

but the crowd really spurred me on and kept me going. He said, my wife Jacqueline helps me out with this one by getting all the pants ready and helping me get them on but she doesn't like the limelight as much as I do. Wow. In a previous episode

we spoke about the Festival of Britain and the Festival of Britain is actually the origin of all of these Miss World, Miss USA, Miss America all those things that happened and it was this guy who was called Eric Morley

and he was trying to work out how to add something to the Festival of Britain which was this thing that took place in 1951 it was this big event in London. Wait, that was after all of those context, right? Yeah, so this was the first Miss World so they'd already had Miss America and stuff but this was the first Miss World.

Yes, sorry, sorry, I got that wrong. This was the first Miss World and actually it was only accidentally the first Miss World because it was a bikini competition but foreigners were part of it and they were like, oh, I guess this is a global event. It was just meant to be a local event basically. It wasn't advertising itself as that.

But thank God because the Brazilian is a hotter than we are. Well, it was won by someone from Sweden. Kirsten Kiki Hackensson. The Swedes are also hotter than we are. But Eric Morley, they crowned the person as the only Miss World or Miss America or anyone who was crowned in a bikini

because it was part of a bikini round. She was condemned by the Pope for having done it. It was a very bad thing to be representing your country in a bikini. But Eric Morley then went on to invent come dancing for TV. So when you watch strictly come dancing

or dancing with the stars, that's Eric Morley who... So he invented come dancing before it was strict. He put it on TV. Casually come dancing. Casually, yeah. Loose come dancing. Wow, really.

It's amazing that Festival of Britain, as far as women are concerned and objectifying and stuff like that because they had a cinema there, the Telecinema, and they only hired red-headed usherettes because they had green uniform and they thought it would look good with the uniform to have red hair.

Fair. Just seems unnecessary, doesn't it? I mean, it was all black and white. What was the point of... What? Everything in the world was black and white in 1951. What was it? Guys, sorry to cut us off, but we're going to have to end the show in a second. I just want to talk about the fact

that Andy thinks that the whole world was black and white in the 1950s. I've seen the footage. There was an emblem of the Festival. It was a red, white and blue image of Britannia's head over at the top of a compass. And this emblem was everywhere at the time. It was on spoons.

It was on cartoons. It was on flower beds. It was on pub signs. It was everywhere. But one place it was as well was quite amazing. It was 604 gold stones that had been removed from a patient and they coloured them

and put them in the shape of the emblem, and then they displayed it at the Festival. One patient. One patient. 604. They're quite small. Right. But someone in the audience has gone, yes,

to the news that they're quite small. The voice of experience over there. I mean, wow. What a patriotic man. What a cool thing to do. He must have been walking around and they were just rattling around inside of him. Do you think he was holding them in for the Festival?

Mr Smith, we're only on 590 gold stones. I'm afraid we need some more. Please drink this gold. Completely clear on the mechanism. And that, you know, sometimes,

like Oasis, they broke up because I think Liam threw a banana or something at Noll. It was a piece of fruit. Like, you know, sometimes it comes down to a very tiny moment. And in Gilbert and Sullivan's case, it was a carpet, so they were doing a show and part of the preliminary cost that came in

that they were charged for, and this was a show called The Gondoliers, was charged for a carpet for the front of the house, of the actual theater. And I think it was Sullivan who freaked out about it. No, sorry, it was Gilbert who freaked out about it, saying,

they've charged us for this carpet and Sullivan didn't care. And then there was a bit of a silence and Gilbert wrote back going, I can't believe you don't care about this whole carpet thing. And then that led to them no longer being... It feels like there might have been underlying issues. Well, underlying issues more like...

That fucking hell... That was a sarcastic cheer, wasn't it? That was a tired audience. I won't do it again, alright. Well, hey, just while we're on Detectives and Mysteries with Cheese Theft, I discovered, and I found this when I was trying to look for great detective books,

that there's a whole series of cheese shop mysteries that have been read. And they're modern day books written by someone called Avery Ames. And basically, the premises, someone opens up a cheese shop and a lot of murders happen.

And the cheese shop owner, I believe, is the person who's solving them. And every single title of the book has a pun in its name. So let me see who can get there first on the following title. So I'll give you the name of, let's say,

the actual quote, the phrase, and you've got to convert it into cheese. So, to be or not to be. To bring it on to be. Okay, that was an easy one. Okay, slightly hard one. Lost and Found. This is a hard one. Mix up the word found a bit

and you can get there. Absolutely correct. For better or worse. For cheddar or worse? For cheddar or worse, absolutely. I would suggest a rewrite with for better or worse. Sorry, James. You've got to think like this also.

Two more. As good as dead. As good or as dead. Yes, absolutely. And last one, let's see if the audience can get it. The long kiss goodbye. The long cheese goodbye. The long kiss goodbye. Ah, fuck off. We're nearly done. I'm sorry.

I jumped a gun. I know that was your turn. I know we've been doing all the talking. It's such a long kiss goodbye. I don't even get it right. I've got to fuck off for my life. I don't even get it right. Wow.

It's what you get when you come to Newcastle. Okay, that is it. That is all of our facts. Thank you so much for listening. If you would like to get in contact with any of us about the things that we've said over the course of this podcast we can all be found on our Twitter accounts. I'm on at Shriverland.

Anna. You were there. Andy. Anna Tijinski. No. Really excited. Can't wait to be joining. At Andrew Hunter M.

James. You can email podcast.qi.com. It's a good email address. Thank you for listening. We'll be back again next week with another episode. We'll see you all then. Goodbye. Thank you.