No Such Thing As A Fish - 502: No Such Thing As The Opposite Of February

Episode Date: October 26, 2023

Dan, James, Andrew and David Mitchell discuss sea turtles, street music, sickly kings and sticky fingers. Visit nosuchthingasafish.com for news about live shows, merchandise and more episodes. 

Hi everybody, Andy here. Just before we start this week's show, wanted to announce our special guest. This one is really exciting guys. Our special guest this week is none other than David Mitchell. That's right, if you haven't heard of David Mitchell, you haven't seen any British comedy recently because he's been an absolute year everything. Of course, Peep Show, Upstart Crow, would I lie to you? The unbelievable truth. every single panel show going, and he's here, he's on fish this week. David is here partly because he has, as you are about to hear in the show, a new book out, and it is a fantastic book. I genuinely finished it this morning, and I loved it. It's called Unruly, it's a history book, it's

a history of England's Kings and Queens, it goes all the way from King Arthur, fictional, to Queen Elizabeth I, not fictional, and it is so funny and yet you also are being educated all the way along the way. It's been described as horrible histories for grown-ups, and that's exactly what it's like. Your laugh, your learn. It's got that classic Mitchell wit all the way through. It's absolutely fantastic. There are lengthy digressions about things like where you can get a nice coffee and Oxford or the James Bond films, all of that. It's so good.

And it's not even just me saying this. It has already been a number one Sunday time special. So if you have a history found in your life who you think would like a laugh as well, this is a perfect present. Also, if you'd like even more David Mitchell in your life after this episode, his new show, Outsideers, has just started its third series that's on Dave, it's a kind of outdoor, challenge survival show hosted by David, and the guests this series include Alan Davis of

QI and of course, former fish guest. So that's it from me, I'll stop wanging on now, hope you enjoyed this episode, we really enjoyed recording it. On with the podcast. Hello and welcome to another episode of No Such Thing as a Fish, a weekly podcast coming to you from the QI offices in Hobern. My name is Dan Schreiber and I'm sitting here with James Harkin, Andrew Hunter Murray, and David Mitchell. And once again, we have gathered around the microphones with our four favorite facts from the last seven days and in no particular order, here we go. Starting with fact number one, that is David. Well, my fact is that King Stephen owed his throne to food poisoning. Or, you know, the shits.

Right. I haven't asked about swearing. How much so? You're allowed to swear as fucking great. Yes, so to diarrhea, I don't know. I'm getting caused by food poisoning. Okay. Previous King's diarrhea, not his own.

His own? His own? Wait, not a previous King's diary. What? And so people saw him shit himself and thought, this man must be King? No, no, he didn't go like that. I mean, obviously there was a lot of diary back then. It was, you know, there's a lot now. One of the ways you can empathize for people in the past, they too had liquid shit. But more often died of them ways you can empathise for people in the past, they too had liquid shits, but more often died of them. King John, Shat himself to death, Henry V, Shat himself

to death. So you've got a good king and a bad king there, both dying of dysentery. But King Stephen didn't have dysentery, it was more of a short term thing, I don't know if it was a bug or something he yet, and he certainly didn't know. But because he got diarrhea, he got off a ship and the ship he got off was the white ship. It was state of the art lovely craft in Barfle Harbor and all of the most important young people of the reign, the in-crowler on this ship and they were about to sail to England but the not yet King Steve and Stephen of Blois was on it and he got diarrhea and he got off it to go into Barfleur and relax on a privy and the ship sailed without him and sank and everyone on board died apart from a butcher.

from a butcher. He survived, that's the last then he's lost, he went on to be a butcher and then died. He had a good anecdote throughout his life. He absolutely had a good anecdote. Do you survive because of the buttery? Was that, but is in this history related whether he clung to some of the meat? No, it wasn't the buoyancy of pork chops. It saved him. Was it him who provided the meal that provided the diarrhea for the future king? I don't think so. I'm not clear as to why there was a butcher on board

that ships have. Yep. They have livestock. Well, you get on a cruise ship. They've got a swimming pool and a casino. So I don't think they're ship at that. But they had some... They might not have had livestock't think they're ship at that. But, you know, they had some, they might not have had livestock

because they're only going across the channel. They want to have food. I don't think there's any connection. There's no suggestion that it was his meat that he retailed that caused King Stevens, that not yet King Stevens. So I can't help calling him King Stevens. He's not King Stevens yet.

It's like Prince Charles calling him King Charles, it's impossible to get into your head. Or at this moment, yeah. I've managed, I'm now saying King Prince Charles. Which is a way of easing myself into it. And eventually I'd be able to drop the prince. I was saying it two years previous just. Just to make sure I was running with it.

This ship though, it does sound amazing. As in it was obviously a state of the art, but I mean, everyone who was anyone was on one Ship at one time which I presume was thought of as being fine. I mean clearly wasn't fine Yeah, cuz like is it like the royal family aren't really supposed to be on the same airplane or something that is that right? Yeah, oh wow Yeah, but the air the real air to the throne was on that ship is on that's the key thing Yes, the real air to the thermos the king the time, King Henry I, he wasn't on it.

He was on a less snazzy ship with older important people, but the younger, cool important people, including William, Atheling, the heir to the throne, they were all on the white ship, and they all died, because obviously the butcher wasn't part of that team. He was a ninja. He was staff and so the only survivor was one of the staff which I'm sure at the time they thought was absolutely the wrong way round. One of the other I read that one of

the other staff the ship's captain also survived the initial shipwreck came to the surface heard that the heir to the throne William Ath, had drowned, and then just decided to drown himself. The only person who could possibly have told us that story is the butcher. Yeah, that was your right. It feels like as the addict don't go down, he's kind of adding your bits to it. Obviously, if you were the captain's fat, that's a very positive anecdote of the butcher. And the thing is obviously the butcher, we don't know what happened to him, other than he didn't die

in that ship, probably murdered the cubs and is what I think will possibly. And maybe he made a hole in the ship, but the thing is he didn't even get a book deal out of it. It just shows you what primitive times these were because nowadays that would have been, you could be on the gravy drain for life. We'll do.

What a ship show. Something like that. Something really lovely. So, what year are we talking show. Something like that. Yes, it's really. Lovely. So what year are we talking here? 11, 20. 11, 20, OK. So that's how you just got to.

Yeah. Don't even need to know. We had proper ships crossing the channel at that point. And like commercial ships. You must have guessed. 1066, quite famously. How do you think they got me a lot? OK, across the planet.

Not a swimming operation. I'm sorry. I had the whole lifeguards swimming pool because you know, thinking my head was here. Oh, I didn't know. Yeah, so the toilet, not a swimming operation. I'm sorry I had the whole lifeguard swimming pool because you know, thinking my head is huge. Yeah, yeah, so... I don't think they hadn't bought tickets. It wasn't a scheduled cross. I think it was absolutely just...

It was commissioned for the... Right, it's just for the posh people to go across because they were having a very nice time at the point. Henry I just won a small war against the King of France. William Athling had been confirmed as the heir to the Dukedom of Normandy. At that point, the King of England was also Duke of Normandy and he was running this cross-channel regime. And so they've short up their position on the continent in this sort of weird situation where the King of France is King in Normandy, but not in control of it. And the Duke of Normandy runs Normandy,

but has to sort of pay lip service to the feudal seniority of the King of France. But that's all been lined up for William Athaling. The King of France is back in his box. He didn't live in a box. There were a bit of French Kings who lived in boxes. There was a French King who thought he was made out of glass. But this one, I think, was sort of comparatively normal.

So Henry, the first, very happy. Let's all go back to England, this other country we own, and hang out there for a bit. So it was a happy day, very successful period of Henry the First Train, and then it was a bit like a sort of mega-somme in the airs to the whole ruling class, just died in one go. Is it true that they were all drunk as well? I read that. Yes, but basically they decided to get the boat across at night time. We're not sure why, but it might have been just so they could get pissed in the meantime.

Right. Apparently everyone on board was absolutely shit-faced and that could have been one of the reasons that they crashed. That's interesting. It seems quite like it's going to be one of the reasons, doesn't it? Because they were obviously quite, I mean, those days there were more shipwrecks than there are now. You know, it wasn't a done deal crossing the channel,

but I don't think the weather was bad. People were nipping back and forth all the time, but yeah, William Athling essentially declared it a party boat and said, we're all going to have a drink and not to be a snob, he very much included the staff, the crew, the butcher, and crucially the people driving the ship as they didn't call it then. So once that people, they didn't include was the priests, so usually the priests would

bless the ship before it set off, because it was a party boat, they decided to dismiss the priests, and so they didn't get blessed. And so later on some people said that may have been the reason that they crashed. That's the reason they crashed. I'm only reporting what some people said. That sounds tremendously convenient. Forvailing religious ethos of the Tokyo. They blamed everything on religion because they obviously lived in baffling times where they didn't understand much of what was happening to them. So they were very keen in the Middle Ages to say,

it's not that we're, you know, tiny little creatures in a universe of which we have no comprehension, it's that we didn't pray enough. So there was something we could have done. Yes, yeah. And I think it probably made living in the Middle Ages a little bit more relaxing than it otherwise would have been. Anyway, the white ship, yeah, sank. I think it probably made living in the middle ages a little bit more relaxing than it otherwise. Yeah.

Anyway, the white ship, yeah, sank and the future King Stephen is probably equally uncomfortable but in a way with fewer long-term consequences to his survival. Was he seen as someone who was, you know, useful? Did they look at him and go, okay, at least we've got someone who might be a good king or was he a sort of, well, dear, with Stephen, just Stephen? No, no, was Henry the first who they say after the white ship disaster he never smiled again. And I don't know how they know but I'm not going to call them lies. But he was very very upset and he was upsetting two ways. His beloved son was dead. Lots of other people's beloved sons were dead, but crucially his plan for the succession

of the English crown is in absolute ruins. Because he's had lots of children, Henry I, but only two of them with his wife. And the two with his wife are William Atheling, who drowns and Matilda, who goes to... 12 dreadful lies. No. Yes. She is the former wife of the Emperor of the Holy Roman Empire, as it wasn't then called, but the Emperor would be the expression. So she went around calling herself Empress Matilda with some justification, and he quickly

married someone else to try and get a new son going, because they didn't like the idea of women ruling then. Totally fails to beget any children with his new wife, even though he's begett children all over the place, and she begets a load after he's dead. So I don't know, whatever is sperm and her eggs, they don't make a good team, probably because he's so desperately trying to bigot an heir and it's just the whole bigotting vibe is so

unromantic. So anyway, so he doesn't get any more legitimate children before he dies, so he's stuck with only Matilda and he says, okay, well the only way my bloodline can continue, which is the main thing. So he makes everyone say, look, I know it's, I've only got a daughter and everyone thinks women shouldn't be in charge of things because this is the past and it's sexist. I'm quoting him directly. But please come on so that my DNA can carry on. Please say that she can be the next king, effectively, ruler, queen,

and everyone goes, you majesty, of course, for you, anything, and twice, all of the big shots of the rain, all of the men that denounced the women, which perhaps are sign that this is a problematic strategy for the age, but nevertheless, all of the men go, we absolutely as soon as you're dead, you majesty,, she's in charge and we'll absolutely do everything she says like we did to you. And they all swear, including Stephen of Blois and Henry goes to his grave thinking, maybe this will be okay. But as soon as he dies, everyone's more thinking, well, you kind of a woman in charge, that's either because they themselves think a woman couldn't be in charge or because they think, well, I'm quite woke, I think it'd be fine for a woman to be in charge,

but other people weren't accepted. But yes, so then please can Matilda be the next queen? Yes, of course you majesty. Thump, he dies. No, she can't. Stephen runs to London, gets himself crowned, and he's King Stephen. Well, the other thing is that Henry I's death was also due to food poisoning, we think, right? Oh, yeah. So it's like a double food poisoning thing, because he famously died of a serfit of lamprease,

I think, that's what we're always taught in school. But there's been a few recent studies, one by Matthew D. Turner in 2023, who reckons that he died of Listeria, possibly from the Lampries, or possibly from something else yet with the Lampries. But also, perhaps it would have made him confused just as he was about to die, because that's what happens with this illness. And there is a story that on his deathbed, he actually told some of these lords, oh no, Matilda, I've changed my mind, I don't think Matilda should be clean after all, I think Stephen should be king. And yeah, my feeling

is that that's not so much the effect of the mystery, the effect of those people who are in Stephen's camp lying about what the thing is. So that's who can say that, but yes, now I've heard that it was, yes, it wasn't like Sirfit of Lamperies, rather unfair of him, right? If you could have had two fewer Lamperies, you'd have been fine. No, it's just that the Lamperies he had, or as you say, something that went with them, the chips or something, that yes, they'd been badly prepared. Apparently it's quite difficult to prepare Lamperies in a way that doesn't kill you. So, I don't think of On this occasion they haven't bothered.

They're kind of like the blowfish of the day. They can be, they can really do a number on you. You never see them on menus anymore. No, that's why it's so risky. I went to a restaurant once that only did a blowfish. Oh yeah. Only. Oh, thank you.

Oscar I think, or somewhere like that. And my wife wanted to try blowfish, and I had a bit of food poisoning, didn't really want to. So we went to this place that sold blowfish, and the menu it was like pictures on the menu. Yeah. And so we looked to them all,

and it was like blowfish, blowfish, blowfish, blowfish. And then there was some chicken nuggets, and I was like, oh, God, I'll have the chicken nuggets, you can have the blowfish. And then we went in, they sat us down, we ordered our saki or whatever. And I said in English, hoping that they'd speak it, I said, I'll have the chicken.

And they said, oh no, that's blowfish go dance. Oh no, that's... What? And it was deep fried blowfish go nads. Oh. So we left. LAUGHTER So I'm not sure, if I was going to eat blowfish, which I'm not, I'm not sure I'd want to eat it We left.

I'm not sure if I was going to eat blowfish, which I'm not. I'm not sure I'd want to eat it in the sort of place where they show pictures of the food. The ones where they show a photo are almost to prove that they can cook at all. And not learn. A lot of the places as they go for their Michelin star, they decide that the photos need to be excised. Henry, looking Henry, he has, I think, the most baroque afterlife of any English king I've read about. So he dies in France, isn't he, at the hunting lodge where he has the lampries and then does.

And he instructed he'd be taken to Reading just before he died, he'd found it nappy that he'd always wanted to go to Reading Lovely loves the biscuits. It was near-ish Legoland or the site of the future leg It was like he wanted it It found a big Abbie in Reading so he thought well go there so but he was taken to ruin his body So after he dies he was taken to ruin and embalmed there But not all of him because his his heart his bowels, his brains, his eyes and his tongue were removed and buried in Normandy at a different monastery or abbey, whatever it was. And then he was embalmed and he was rubbed with salt and then he was put in a bag made of ox hides for the journey, so he'll hopefully get to Reading in a decent state I mean you've removed his heart I mean he's not gonna look lovely. No, no, well he's in the bag. So that's fine. He's in a bag made of oxo

Oh, don't open the bag They get to the coast They get to the coast and the boat is then delayed by four weeks due to bad weather. And everyone's looking at the bag and thinking, oh no. And the bag, I think, starts to leak. I'm sort of very pungeant. Body juice, I've heard about this. It's punge very, very pungeant. Um, stuff, there is, I think a story, I think it's about him, that the man who was ordered

to remove his brain, there was such a bad aroma about the brain, because of how he died, that the man ordered to remove the brain also died. Of smell. Of smell. Brain spelt. Yeah. I read that. That was 40 years later.

They assessed it. I didn't care about it. Yeah, but it was definitely that. It was never the same again. Yeah. So, I mean, what an afterlife. What a shame that the Elizabeth line wasn't named after him because that term Nixon Redding that would have been a beautiful And it's subterranean as well, so maybe it literally comes up against his skull

That's that used as to save money Under 50 billion Some of the Heft of former King Henry to slow the trains down. Or tie buffers, yeah. Well, I should say, though, the consequence of Stephen's food poisoning

and then him being declared king and then him being not very good at being king and Matilda Henry's daughter being extremely pissed off to have been passed over is that she doesn't take it lying down and she tries with all her might to rest the throne from Stephen and there is a huge civil war called the Anarchy in a way that historians now say it shouldn't be called the Anarchy, that in some way reduces it. What you should

just do is spend thousands and thousands of words describing it minutely rather than giving it a label. These are of the historians are not familiar with the concept of language, but anyway I'm going to call it the Anarchy. It doesn't quite in the Norfolk, like an 18 years of a war. It was quite an art. Yes, but also equally you could take a little bit of it and it was quite calm. Offer the night time, for example. So it's very, very reductive of you to use that word. So, for example, I think it's very bad to call an apple, an apple, if you want it's a printout of every individual cell. And that's actually a better way of describing it. Anyway, this anarchy happened and was awful and Matilda nearly got to be the queen at one point. She was about to be crowned, but then the people in London got cross and she had to run away.

And then at another point she was under siege in Oxford Castle and she ran away through the snow. It's quite exciting, but eventually she gave up and went back to Normandy, which by then her husband, Geoffrey of Ornge, had rested from Stephen. But then her son does inherit the throne because Stephen's regime essentially peeters out, so they do a deal. Matilda's son Henry becomes Henry the Second, Plantagenet, named after his father Jeffrey. And then you have, then you have quite ordered succession for quite a long time. It's all in the first four, you know, the rhyme of all the kings and queens of England. It's Willie, Harry's tea. It's all it's this is all the Harry's tea bit

Right. Yeah, it's just just that bit. Wow. I see Harry's tea I was just jumping a few Henry's ahead Henry the eighth. I was looking up food Because I thought her royal meals sound a bit odd and I discovered that he used to serve this meal called cocken trice or Cocken trees. Okay. hear it or this? No. So it was a pig sewn to another animal and he pitched it as a mythical beast and he would say this is a mythical beast. My cycle of rings of a bird, is that awesome? I think it became a few different mutations.

I think it always had a pig on the front. It's a chicken but with the testicles of a blowfish. Yeah. But yeah, so I just love that. Henry VIII would just present, you know, what was effectively the old version of a Yeti? It's a table for a room. So you said, not only have I discovered a mythical beast,

I've killed it, and we're going to say that. And it's the last one, sadly. But there it is. Look at it now, and then what do you fancy, a bit of wings? And they're like like, oh it tastes a bit like chicken, it's weird how everything tastes a bit like chicken. My big taste like pork. Well that's the thing about the cock and price, it's so full of flavours. But yeah, the bottom's got chocolate in it. Stop the podcast! Stop the bookers! I- your small business, whether you're selling slow berries to people who want to make their own slow gin at home. If genuinely go through my recent purchases and that's what I had, you want

to be certain you've got the best possible candidates for your job and that is why LinkedIn jobs is so good because you can find the right people for your team, you can find it faster and post a job for free if you do it through us. Absolutely. It is really difficult to find the right people and the good thing is that so many people are on LinkedIn that if you're looking for the best, most qualified candidates, they're almost certain to be on there. And like Andy says, if you post through us, you can post your job for free. So the way you do that is you go to LinkedIn, L-I-N-K-E-D-I-N, you know how to spell LinkedIn. LinkedIn.com slash fish. And like I say, you can post your job for free.

That's right, whether you're recruiting a slow picker, a slow packer, a slow dispatcher, you can find the right person for your business. So go to LinkedIn.com slash fish and post your job for free. Terms and conditions, apply. Hard with the podcast. On the podcast. On the show!

Okay, it is time for fact number two, and that is Andy. My fact is that sea turtles have been going to the same restaurant for 3,000 years. Blowfish? So, yeah, it's only blowfish. Yeah, that's nice, you find a thing in your life. Yeah, just eat that forever. Yeah, exactly. So this is about green sea turtles. It's a new study from the universities of groaning and exeter York, Copenhagen and the society for the production of turtles. They've all teamed up. So they're quite pro turtles. Very pro turtles. The society for the eradication of turtles didn't get a look. Absolutely.

That's quite, I'm not sure if that's appropriate. If this was other BBC, you'd have to have one person on the show going, I fucking hate Twitter, so there are a right page. Americans use the same words they do for tortoises. It's just confusing. Let's just have one. We don't need the aquatic version of those shell people. I've been trying to book a table at that restaurant for months now. Yeah. Always buy the window, party of eight turtles. Yeah.

Restaurant is such a way of putting it. But basically it's a huge meadow of sea grass off North Africa. And sea tattles go there to eat. They spend the first few years of their life drifting around because they don't have the control to swim and live in these meadows. And then when they do get the control, they head to the meadows. They swim,

miles and miles and miles to get there. And they've used archaeology and ancient samples to work out. These are the same habitats in use that sea turtles 3000 years ago have been heading to. And it's kind of, it's just amazing. And the meadows all have their own chemical signatures which end up in the bodies of the sea turtles. So yeah, because they're kind of, it's just amazing. And the meadows all have their own chemical signatures, which end up in the bodies of the sea turtles. So, yeah, because they're kind of made of these meadows. So, yeah, it's sometimes turtle will visit the same 50 meters squared. They have the, very specific, it's like having a, it is like having a table. Yeah. In a particular meadow that they, that they return to. It's pretty amazing. Sea turtles, you know, conservationists have always been trying to monitor if they're declining, you know, what's going on.

And 2023, there was an amazing count that happened. Volunteers went around, they found 74,000 nests bit over that. But there's a huge problem that's happening, which is that the sex agenda is determined by the climate. And as it's getting hotter, they tend to be born as female. And so we're slowly losing all male sea turtles. It's a genuine worry that we're going to just... We've got all these women now and no men to sort of...

And you need enough diversity in the population too. Yeah, that's... it is a big problem. It's to do with the temperature of the sand, I think. So if the exolated sand that's above 31, then that all female, you know, it's 31 Celsius. And if it's below 27, that all male. And the species relies on the sound being a range of temperatures in between the, historically it's been what I'll be coldly is and hotty is, so you'll get a reasonable number of both.

Yeah, that's the problem. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So no, it is a huge problem. So we're hoping for a now a, maybe if you get above like 32 it goes mailing out. That's actually now we'd be rooting for further global warming or to push through to the really the hot guys. Let's call them that come to start coming through again. Well the other problem is that the seagrass meadows are also hugely under threat. So just everyone in every like lots of sea turtles. Some sea turtles are doing all right. There is, I think, seven different species of sea turtle and I think several are endangered.

But there are a couple doing okay, but several are endangered. And the Meadows, lots of them are off North Africa, whether it's much environmental protection, and lots of the countries near us are undergoing quite chaotic times at the moment. And so, yeah, there is a risk that they're there. Apparently we lose a football pitch is worth of Seagrass every 30 minutes. Jesus. Every 30 minutes.

Yeah. You never have to say that, whatever's mowing that Seagrass, we want to use that on land if that's really quick. I think it takes more than half an hour to cut the grass on a football pitch and this is just literally the use of, I mean using global warming as a force for gardening. Yeah, it's. Contourdals better gardening. Yeah, it's just, I kind of like climate change now.

I'm not. They're going to be a favor of climate change. Because the Seagrass Berries carbon 35 times faster than a tropical rainforest. Another fact, that is amazing. Wow, that's great. The sea grass, they take carbon from the water to build their leaves. The leaves eventually die. That sediment stays on the ocean floor for hundreds of years.

And so that's how they sequester. So that's essentially carbon capture. It is captured in the sea. It's really functional carbon capture. And I think 10% of the carbon in the ocean is buried by sea grasses or sequester by sea grasses despite them being 0.1% of the ocean floor. So it's really, it's really impressive stuff.

Yeah, we need loads more of it and we plant it. There are a few plans to plant 18 hectares around the UK by 2026, which is not, that's a sound like that's, I don't know how many hectares in a football pitch, but it sounds like a few hours and that's done no good at all. It's not, yes. I think there might be more like pilot schemes, but they are trying to get more going. And of course, if you protect bits of sea floor,

then you will... Did the turtles, Andy? Yeah. Did they eat sea grass? They eat the tips of it. I think that stimulates growth. Oh, okay. So, we do... There's no cause to...

To eradicate the turtles. I'm just going to be a bit of a check. It's just got to be open minded. Maybe the turtles are the villains of the piece. They're blaming ourselves for all our factories, but maybe there was turtles. For the lesser effort than they look. David's wearing a t-shirt, which is saying stop-seater. That's really, it's upsetting.

Outside of sea grass, they're quite fussy eaters, sea turtles, they're given a bigger menu to play with. So one of the other problems of the climate at the moment is sometimes they're going off course, they're going into cold erotions and they get hypothermia. So there's a lot of turtles that wash up onto shore and either they're dead or they get rescued

and taken to turtle hospital where they then get this brilliant menu of different things. And so each individual turtle has just a different kind of taste, like number seven, doesn't like the squid, for example. Not a fish, it's a squid. Few of them don't like tails,

don't give them any fishy tails or anything like that. Yeah, and also it's creating chaos because turtles are very solitary, but they're in tanks together to be fed. And so there's there's total bullies that they have to sort of reprimand and tell off and so on because they're eating the tails and the so on. Yeah. You can give turtles if they're not very well.

You can give them mayonnaise. Oh yes. Did you see this? So this is if there's been an oil spill and the turtles are beaten a lot of oil. If you give them mayonnaise it helps them to shit it out. And the reason is because obviously mayonnaise is what, it's oil and, what is it, whatever it is. Eggs?

Yeah, it's an emulsion. We're revealing our ingredients here. This is a really based food stuff as well. Yeah, it's not complicated. This is an off menu. We don't need to know any good on our food. Yeah, we're here. This is a really based food stuff as well. It's not complicated though. This is off menu. We don't need to know any good on our food. He can't have a jar.

Let's do that. Yeah, but it has a mulsifier in it, which mixes water and oil. So if you've got oil inside you, the mulsifier inside mayonnaise can help the oil to mix with the water already inside the stomach of the turtle and then just makes it easier to excrete. That is so interesting. That's amazing.

Yeah. So all these oil slicks are basically they're just conspiracy by Big Mayo. That's the closest massive spikes in the Helm and Share price. Whenever BP has a little mistake. Suddenly, catching. I've got a link to the previous fact, weirdly. Oh yeah. To David's fact, the headlight fact. So sea grasses stop people getting gastroenteritis.

Oh, isn't that good? So if you have gastroenteritis, because you've drunk some water, normally, which has the pathogens in it, which cause it, sea grass meds have way, way, way fewer of those pathogens in and around and among them. So that water is just cleaner. You're less likely to get gastroenteritis from there. And they've tried to calculate it, between eight and 24 million cases of gastroenteritis

prevented every year. Wow. And they think it's because the sea grass kind of uses it almost like fertilizer and takes it into its body. Exactly. It takes the gastroenteritis pathogens out of water. But can it grow in non-salty water? Oh, almost none of it.

No, because it might be one fresh water, but not as a problem there in terms of how useful it is. What if you only drink seawater like me? It's actually, yeah, that's fine for you. But, you know, still spipling or salty, I think. But I've just walked out in the monarch. So how many cases did I say prevented every year? Little quiz, instant recall quiz.

How many million cases? I think it was a football picture. It was between eight and 24 million cases. OK. Now, if you need a mnemonic to remember that, I think it was a football pitch. It was between eight and 24 million cases. OK. Now, if you need an amonic to remember that, those are the ages of Matilda and the Holy Roman Emperor when they were betrothed to each other.

And if you need an amonic the other way around, how was Matilda? It was like, oh, what's the lower range of cases that guests weren't to write, is preventive. Beautiful. Sheer by Sea Grusses. You look so cool. You're welcome, guys.

No, I don't want to. So eight and 24 when they were betrothed. Yeah. But 12 and 28 when they were married. And not that. No, not that. Not going to be to massively overstate the beneficial effect to Sea Grass on Castro and to Rice.

So that's... I have a thing which I want to link back to the previous fact as well. So we have a mystery butcher of the previous facts. I've found a mystery turtle that I don't know much more about that I want to find out about. And it's the first turtle to go over Niagara Falls in a barrel and survive.

This was a good time. So you're now plunging at an image of people plumbly looking at a huge pile of dead turtles at the bottom of the agro-pop. And go, I don't know, maybe try taping an X under the inside of the barrel. Well, this was 1930. There was a guy called George Stathicus, and he had this idea of going over Niagara in a barrel.

And the barrel goes down, it doesn't break up, but it gets caught in a sort of a tide that's underneath, I don't know if you'd call it, but it's, he can't escape, and he's there for 18 hours in this barrel. So when they find him, he's suffocated, he's dead, and sunny is, oh sorry, yeah, there's a dead man in the story. Do we suspect the turtle in this story? Oh, I haven't thought about it. There's only one of us can survive this.

Yeah. Well, the turtle might have been feeling quite negatively towards him, to be honest. Yeah. The turtle might have been feeling quite negatively towards him, to be honest. This guy, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, wouldn't blame the turtle for not giving him mouth to mouth. What are we doing now sir? Three years old as well. Exactly.

That's a very old turtle. It's a really old turtle and the barrel is in a museum now. It's held as a kind of piece of Niagara Falls history. Right. But where did Sonny go? No idea. Like the butcher, you know. Oh, we don't know what happened to the turtle after that. Someone might know but I couldn't find it. Yeah they because they can live a lot longer than a hundred years. Yeah. Because it wasn't there a turtle. I think I heard this on QI. But there was a

turtle. A clive of India turtle. I think it's a tortoise. Oh no that's a tortoise. Is it long? Is it long? It's a American. If you were, if you were, it would be a... Yeah, unfortunately don't you have the least American person on the planet. It's an scientific fact. Yeah, yeah. The least American. It's going on the poster. Yeah, yeah. The Dalai Lam is slightly more American than me. likely more American than me. Okay, it is time for fact number three and that is James. Okay, my fat this week is that in 1861 there was one street musician for every 10 streets in London. That's what a time to be alive.

What a time. No, it's not. It sounds like it was the at-low. Bit of a bad time for quite a lot of Londoners. Yeah, so this is according to journalist Henry Mehu, whose article, I missedly, was relatively negative towards the street musicians, but he estimated there are approximately 1,000 street musicians, 10,500 streets. OK.

And it was a real problem. We've said before, I think that Babbage really hated them. He really got frustrated with them. And he was actually him and the guy called Michael Bass, who ran the Bass Brewery. They managed to get it regulated in 1864. But for the probably the decade up until 1864, London was just an unbelievably loud place to live. Largely thanks to these. And what was there? What genre of music did they favor? Oh, it was all sorts. So, Mayhew said there were English violinists,

Scottish pipers, German brass bandsmen, Italian grinders. So that's be like a... Yeah, organ and snow. On a grinding, yeah. And one French herdy-gurdy player. Oh, just one out of all the thousand. Yeah.

She saw hery comes. It was a she and the women, coming in herdy-gurdy, sorry, that's my prejudice, though. She had an instrument that according to me who had a battered heavy look about it and was grievously harsh and out of tune. I don't know. And for 43 years, she had her regular rounds.

Oh, three. Yeah, so she went to Marleybone in a Monday, Kentish town on a Tuesday. So you knew how to avoid it. Yeah, exactly. You saw him go, it's true. I saw her a herde-gurdy player recently. I was in Canterbury.

And it's a very herde-gurdy, it was the very old, old bit of Canterbury, you know. Look at Adolfo. So you think he was a ghost? I don't think he was a character. No, he ran through a wall as soon as I started asking him about it. He wasn't a ghost, so... Can you remind me, what are you? There's a handle you wind.

Yeah. And he was doing something with his other hand as well. And it looks like a small violin with a handle. Oh, okay. How interesting. This is a really bad one. Is it a stringed instrument? It is stringed.

Okay, so the fingers are kind of on the fret like a guitar This is sounding like the car that Homer Simpson is Have strings also handle a little keyboard on the bottom and then you blow in the head I can't remember whether there were strings and frets or whether there were keys to play I think it might have been keys in a handle, but it was a, it was a, it was a very much combo thing. Yeah, it was really, I almost, I know it was like a comedy word really. I know, I'm staggered.

I like, that's why I said, what's that to this guy? And he just went, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, who described by Mehu, who was an Italian fiddler, who would go around imitating all the farm yard animals with his fiddler. He said he'd been doing it for 12 years and he could imitate the bull, the calf, the dog, the cock, the peacock, the ass, and the hen when she's laid an egg. That's amazing. Do you want that with his fiddler? I think that's what he couldn't do is play a tube. What he found is that if you just bash it, it makes this. That is exactly the noise a hen makes and it's just later, you might not be familiar that you live in Central London. But if you head out to the countryside and listen to it, it's exactly like that. So isn't that, that's worth a pop-up, too.

How come there was money to support the why were they must people must have been paid much? Yeah, but it was like just pennies here and there But they were doing it day and day out and these people they had their regulars So they would go to Marley, Bowen, or to Cancestown because they knew there was someone there who would give them You know a few hapenies here and there and that's all they need. It's a leve really. Nice. So these grinders, as they were called, and the particular thing that people got annoyed by was people with barrel organs, because there was a bit of racism in it,

because they were mostly from Italy and quite poor. And the other thing that annoyed people was, you just turn a handle. There's no skill involved. There's no skill. You buy all the making of violin sound, and that's a screech sound, like a goat that's been surprised but not badly.

Yeah, yeah. But, so like you just buy a barrel, slot it into the organ, turn the handle, the same tunes come out every time. So that was a frustrating thing for a lot of people. So Charles Dickens' illustrator, John Leach, claimed that he died early because he could. Sorry, but you said this is killing me. And then he died and he said it's because of this. His final words to fellow artist William Frith were rather Frith to be

tormented in this way. I would prefer to go to the grave where there is no noise. There we go. Have we gone, honey? Really, he can't on his nerves. They buried him under the bandstone that clapped and clapped. go to the grave where there is no noise. There we go. Have we gone? Really? Cut on his neck. They buried him under the bandsit. The coffin coffin.

I was looking into what was going on in 1861. London at the time. I'm curious. No, I've got the answer. The invention of the toast sandwich. Because Mrs. Beaton's book of household management was published in 1861. And one of the recipes in there was toast sandwich. Get two bits of bread, put your bit of toast inside.

I've eaten that actually, tried it. Well we did mention it on cue I once, and I thought I'll see what it's like. Yeah. And it's not as bad as you might think, I would say, because it gives you a little bit of texture to what otherwise is quite boring piece of bread. So it's bread toast bread. Well people put crisps in sandwiches, something for a crunch. Yeah, but there's usually something else. Yeah, although I think actually a sandwich of just butter and crisps, I mean, flavor of choice. I mean, I'm ready salted. Oh, ready salted? I think that's probably right with

that combo, I think. Yeah, sort of going to go one quite much. It's a lot more about texture than taste. But you still think you might little bit of something else. I think there was butter on it. Mrs. Beaton's version. Yes, yeah, yeah. So that was invented in. That was, well, the book was published and that was a very notable, notable, very odd, but a recipe. Black velvet. You might have seen people walking around the streets 1861 drinking black velvet. Oh, now this is a Guinness with a glass of champagne. That's right. Yeah. That's right then. Yes, to commemorate a very big death of 1861. Albert. That's right. Albert died December 1861. He invented a cocktail just before.

This cocktail is going to kill me. Can you think why they might have invented the cocktail? No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, on his way around their arms. The idea was it was a, it's like getting a top on your beer. Is that a log of top? Is that, well, which, what is it log of top? It's a normal pint of log of, but they pour out the tiniest bit of the top and they give you a little dash of lemonade just to take the edge off. So it's like a very, very strong shant. That's exactly it. You know, when your shanties become a log of top.

You know, you're just telling yourself, that's just BMA. And particularly when you say, and of the beer, you're whistled. Just two more things, because it's quite fun to know. It was the publication of great expectations, so Dickens obviously had been printing the stories in Sirials, but it was the first full book bringing the chapters together. And then the last one that I found was it was the introduction of Widow Twinkie into pantomime. Yeah, 1861 the first ever

Santa Mike, a time to feel like it's great music. Yeah, have you guys heard just on people being loud and other people being annoyed about that? Have you heard of the New York Society for the suppression of unnecessary noise? No My kind of organization basically and yet you said David Mitchell is not very American. It's a... So this was a doctor called Julia Barnett Rice, okay? She was... She qualified in 1885. Got a medical degree, but didn't practice. I think, don't know if women were allowed to practice

in the 18, 18, 90s, are not sure. But she really wanted that street vendors not be allowed to shout. And she made it in her life course. And she and her husband, he was called Isaac Rice, he was an interesting guy in various ways. He invented a chess opening that was called the Rice Gambit, just so you know. And then spent about apparently the next 20 years of his life researching, analyzing and testing the soundness of his gambit. So what a thing to spend your life doing. Yeah, yeah.

And the thing is that I've never heard of that and I follow chess a little bit, so presumably it wasn't very useful after all those 20 years. No, it's not allowed to move that way. Oh, cancel that. I have never in my life met a bishop that could only move diagonally. It's just not realistic. Whereas castles can't move at all without an earth quake. And they had a house on Broadway way too noisy, so they moved up to buy the river, right? On Riverside Drive, they built their own house,

had a basement vault dug so that they could have somewhere quiet, but by the way, because they had six children, so the house was quite noisy. So he stayed in the basement a lot of the time, doing his gambit. Actually, as he called it. That's actually what the rice gambit is.

That's actually what the rice gambit is. And because they were by the river, the river boats made so much noise blowing their horns all day. So, Julia, she hired students to count the number of toots per day. And it was about a thousand toots per day, but if it was foggy, it was 3,000. So, she started a campaign saying, look, this is very bad for people's health, particularly. And it was mostly because she didn't like it as far as I can tell. But the tugboat captains found out about this campaign

of hers and they found out where she lived and they would gather outside. Oh, no, no! And all blast their horns. Oh, no. But she genuinely got the law changed and she got Mark Twain involved. Why? She established quiet zones around hospitals. How many boats sank then?

So much of a helpless shipwrecks. So much of a quiet one, so that was the key. Yeah, that's amazing. Another person who hated it was Thomas Carlisle, just to go back to the 1850s in London, and the 1850s and 1860s in London, he once wrote that he was considering to assassinate a violin, Italian organ grinder who worked near his house. But I think he might have built the first ever soundproof room in his house in London. This was in 1853.

It had double walls and it had a slated roof with a gap in between where he could get like muffling chambers full of air so that the sound couldn't get in. And it cost him 170 pounds, which according to one online calculator I found said it was about 30,000 pounds today. It cost him. For a house extension, that's, you know?

Yeah, in those days. days, I think, yeah. Why didn't they pay the annoying organ grinder to go away? Oh, I think you could do that. I think that is how they under quite a bit of their money just extorting it from people. That's a must be a, that's a glum profession though. You know, ostensibly you're there to, you know, it's when to attain with our violin,

it sounds like a cow I think the real the real money is that people who desperately want you to go It would be if we went doing live shows like we do when we got on stage and everyone had done a whip round for us not to do the show I'm gonna give you one last set of buskers. This is in 2009 in Birmingham two buskers who only knew two songs and have been playing them in the same part of Birmingham for 18 months on end were given as both. And they were, they knew, they knew Wonderwall and John Starr was review. Five stars, four stars, three stars, one star and then up their eats as both. It was Wonderwall and Faith, they had a guitar and they had a bin lid and yeah but they were playing it to like

4 or 5 or 6 in the morning sometimes Okay, one person said to be fair. They didn't do a bad rendition of the songs They would if you lived in the area that would become the main version of the song to you and then you listen to OAS There's a few classic London ones. I think most tourists will probably remember if they've got the tube, like the Henry the Hoover. What is that person in a Henry the Hoover? There was a guy, I think, next to it on a keyboard, but then he had accompanied by this Henry the Hoover

that had the saxophone that would shoot bubbles outside it, yeah. So sorry, where's the saxophone? In the nozzle, I guess? Of the Hoover. Yeah, it's the far end of the nozzle, like the bit that does the hoovering, or is it a right, is it, is it guess? Of the Hoover. Yeah, the far end of the nozzle, like the bit that does the hoovering, or is it a right, is it, is it, you remove the hoover's trunk? I can't leave you out of the saxophone quickly. What I thought was a solid image in my head is

collapsed. It sounds great. I just want a bit of doctrinal reading. If you sucker, saxophone does it make the same noise as if you blow a saxophone? Wow, great question. Yeah, I might. I might. Assuming not. You would think that was the same. Yeah. Because you're sucking it into the... Is it the horn? The mouth of the saxophone? The bell and actually. Is it called the bell, eh, eh?

Okay, so it presumably will make the opposite noise. Yes, it always have an opposite. Well. We know it's quite always have an opposite. Well, we know it's a quite theoretical or he's de february. Yeah, I mean, no, I like this. I think we're finally getting to the big bastards. 500 out of 10. It doesn't always have an opposite.

You can have an opposite wave function. Well, they can do things, can't they? Sometimes when, if there's a noise of air conditioning when you record something, they can record that. And in some way, inverted. And then, so it sucks that noise out. So if you're a human, you know what the opposite of the word February is. Yes, it's the noise that you would play over the word February

in order to induce silence. And all these irritable Victorians needed was to have that on their own barrel. And turn that handle on and it would go quite. That would be amazing. The opposite of Wonderwall. Yeah. Stop the podcast. Stop the podcast. Stop the podcast! Hi everybody, just let you know we are sponsored this week by ExpressVPN.

Absolutely, ExpressVPN, it's the place to go if you want to add a little widget to your computer or phone, which will stop someone this Halloween season from putting their eyes on you. Ooooooo! That's right, it's spooky season and it's a season for being observed, surreptitiously, from the corner of the room, by a spider or a goo, or by powerful government agency. No, sorry, I'm going into CIA territory there. And if you're listening guys, hello, the point is your internet service provider can track your activity online and ExpressVPN allows you to re-root your activity through encrypted servers to protect your privacy online.

Yes, absolutely. Another thing that VPNs are useful for is you can access material that you might not be able to get in your country, self, for instance, when I was in Montenegro, I could watch the England football game using my ExpressVPN. So it's not just about hiding from GCHQ. It's all sorts. And right now you can get three extra months of Express VPN for free by going to Express VPN. That's let us VPN.com slash fish. That's right. Just go to expressvpn.com slash fish to learn more and to get your extra three months for free.

Up with the podcast! Wooo! Okay, it's time for our final fact of the show and that is my fact. My fact is that in 1993, a man in Brazil, who robbed a factory of its glue, was arrested 36 hours later, still in the factory he was robbing, because he was stuck to the glue he was stealing. Didn't he think to steal the glue in its containers? I think what happened?

So this is a guy called Edelberg. I'll take it. I'll just take the glue loose. I'll just take the glue loose. It's so heavy these cans. This is the police who will be looking for tubes of glue. They won't be looking for raw. I'll just take the glue loose. It's the least. So heavy these cans. The police will be looking for tubes of glue.

They won't be looking for raw glue. It was a 19-year-old. He was called Edelberer Guamarit. We don't have to name him. For the lovely ocean. And the opposite of that noise. I actually think he was probably called Edelberto. Because I googled it, I can't find anyone else called Edelberer, but there's a lot of probably called Edilberto because I googled it. I can't find anyone else called Edilber

but there's a lot of people called Edilberto where it runs over two lines and there's a hyphen around it. That's interesting. So I saw the story in the Washington Post. It was part of the yearly roundup and it was a 19-year-old and he did take two large cans and since something must have happened they tipped over as he was trying to get out of the factory, glue spilled everywhere. He obviously tried to pick up the glue, put it back in, I don't know. And got stuck to where he was. It is very easy. I had to do a minor glue job the other day.

And the amount of glue on my hands at the end of it was... When you say glue job, is that like a bank job? Were you also stealing glue? No, it's just very easy even with a small one. Does it try that quickly? Oh, yeah. I'm going to try so fast. Oh, yeah.

Sorry, this is not my part. Glue is very, very annoying because it either doesn't work. Like essentially, Pritzdick. There are other brands of glue that don't work. They sort of go in that. OK, sort of sticks it a bit, but you know, so there's snot. Or it's just so incredibly effective. You can't be angry with it, can you?

Because, you know, yes, it's doing exactly what's wrong with you. It's not one. It's a stick thing together, and yeah, I didn't say my fingers. But yes, I did apply my two fingers to each other while there was glue on one. And now, you know, the glue is being facetious. You know, I didn't want to stick my fingers, whenever, as anyone wanted to stick their fingers together. Yeah.

I didn't, it was through researching this fact that I didn't realize how important super glue is to the world of live music for live shows. So take a band like the Red Hot Chili Peppers, flee on the base, very aggressive with his playing, slapping and popping and all sorts and he'll get huge calluses during the gig. And sometimes, with old wounds that he's got, they'll be ripped open. So he's got missing bits of his hand. So he'll run off stage, grab Super Glue, fill in the hole.

Oh, no. Yeah, yeah. And come back on John Frischanti, does it? The guitarist of the Red Hot Chili Peppers, Stevie Ray Vaughan, does it? There's so many musicians that talk about it. They've got to give it a minute. Oh, they're going to stick to their instruments. I don't know about that.

I do, I know I have someone else who glue them, Oh, glue their fingers together actually. Oh yeah. For a specific use in film. There's something that you can guess. Oh, okay. It's something you can guess. Oh. Oh. Yeah, I know it.

So I won't say it. Oh, great. It's the only thing I'd say is as like an additional clue. I can't do this. So if I was in the movie as this character, I would require the Supergirl as well. Well, I'm thinking of one of two things. Is it ET? Oh, yeah.

The only thing that's good. Or, or Spock. It's Spock. It's Spock. Spock, we couldn't do it without Glut, Mr. Spock. It was that three years. Zachary Quinto in the new Star Trek film couldn't do it without glue. Mr. Is that a spot? It was that year. It was Zachary Quinto in the new Star Trek film couldn't do the Vulcan salute.

So they glued his fingers together. Which I don't do. I can do it with one hand, but not with the other. Right. Would you feel, if for that reason, you weren't cast as Spock in Star Trek, would you feel that that was OK? I think so.

Or would you feel you would be discriminated against? Well, he wasn't discriminated against. No, I don't know if he showed up to the audition pre-glute. I would say if I was auditioning for Spock, first thing, can you do that with your hand? Yeah. If so, okay, let's look at the script. Oh, no. In fairness, they don't only cast people with pointy ears, so they do add some kind of

having said that, though, if some people had pointy ears, they would have a legitimate agreement. I mean talk about if there were real Vulcan Yeah among us and then suddenly we're getting people to Vulcan up Yeah, that's not appropriate is it but because Vulcans don't happen to exist It's okay to pointy ear up non-volcans Yeah, but the similarly the hand thing I do feel like Zachary Quinto is taking jobs away from people like me who can do it Yeah, you do really dead easy with both you two can I could do it with one and yeah just about with the other and you can't do it at all I can't do it at all. No, no, you can play Kirk Was was William Shatner Kirk yeah, so he couldn't do it either and they tied his thing.

Oh great, apparently he has to do it at one point. They tied his fingers together with fishing line. No, I don't think so. That's very good. Very good. Lovely, you say I'm the least American person, but you have was William Schattener's cook. I mean, I have to say, I really knew that.

There's a piece of pocket accultion that's got through to me. What was Elvis Presley a singer? Speaking of Body Pats and Glue, do you know what butth gluas? Oh butth glue. I have a product a home called butthclean. But it's full of water, I have a product a home called Buttclean. It's full my water I have a water butt. So you must be disappointed when you bought that. I'll see it. That's the answer. The amount of capsules I wasted for realising they had to be just dropped in the water butt. So cleans a water butt?

Yeah. You just pop it in and it fizzes a bit. It's kind of like a whore. Or a turtle's just floating to the surface. And this is actually must do with the Americans. So what's it called, but think but glue? Is it for a mucous finger? Is that a terrible bum dream egg? Bum, finger. And glue. But wait, that's not for repairing water baths.

No, it's not. It's for the bottoms. And it's for people who compete in pagents. If you're wearing a very tight bikini, you want it to be exactly straight on your cheeks. You don't want it to ride up or anything like that. You put it between the bikini and the bottom. So it sort of goes on the bikini to get it positioned perfectly. I was thinking it goes on the bum but it sort of lifts the bum. Well Andrew, you would be good in the in the page of world according to the Bravo show.

I think that's great. I'm amazed that is his line of work. You would be an innovator because according to the Bravo show game of crowns, which is quite recent, some people are using but glue to actually hold the butch cheeks together to kind of make them seem very pert because it's not very strongly but it's what's soluble so you can put some water down there and it'll open them up again. You just need to see a thank goodness. So do not use super glue instead of butching. You're doing your airfix with buckler. It's not a buckler.

Is that a common complaint in beauty pageant terms that the buttocks are too far apart? They're not far apart. I can't believe the size of a criminal disposition. I don't think they all do this, just to say, if you're a beauty pageant, that's not. No, no, no. I think but just some people do it too.

But I thought there was glue. There's also bits of glue for sticking, bits of makeup to people's faces. Surely it's the same as back glue. There's no need to say that this glue, it's skin glue, it doesn't need to be specifically for the back. I think there might be some marketing going on there. Like I have something called Nerdwax

which you use to keep your sunglasses on. Right. Because my nose is quite small, so my sunglasses slip down my nose and you can kind of put it on your nose and it kind of keeps it there. But really, it's just wax. But they've put it in a nice tube that says nerd wax on and it may be one to buy it.

So I think it's a bit of that. Yeah, so back there, you could use it wherever you go. Bouger glue. Anyone heard of Bouger glue? OK, Bouger has in the Americans. Yeah, sorry, I should explain what Bouger is to the non-American here. No, I've heard the expression is not being so un-American. As in for a unit of snout, isn't it? A unit of drowsiness? Like a boogie. Like a boogie. Oh yeah, yeah.

Is it used in beauty pageants to hold the nostrils together? Because it's said it to be beautiful. Too far apart nostrils. It's the, remember when I used to get a card, bank card through the post and when you would take it off, there would be a little bit of glue. Yeah, that's a very snotty glue. Not a good glue. That's bugger glue.

Oh, that's great. Satisfying them because when that comes away, it's gone. Yeah. Completely, which is actually not the case for snot. I'd say snot leaves more of a sort of residue. Better than Snot. Better than Snot. We've invented a better Snot, but now we need to do is get it to somehow come out of our

noses. Because at the moment it only manifests some credit card rather than the bank, it's going to be better cold. Come on, AR. I need a wrap us up and I'll say. Oh, should we do some Bungling criminals? Yeah, why not a couple of Bungling criminals? There was a man who stole a parcel from Reading.

Wasn't it to contain Henry the first to remain? Right. This is 1994. It was in the early 1990s. It was a first because we had the time of things. And it turned out to be a bomb. Oh, that's a big hit. And that's a high array bomb.

And he ran down the road, pointing to the suitcase that he'd stolen, shouting, it's a bomb, it's a bomb. And passes by, thought that he was high on drugs, but he dumped the suitcase outside a shop. And 200 homes in Redding had to be evacuated while the bomb squad made it safe. I thought you were going to say blew up. I'm not going to say. I'm going to say blew up.

I'm going to say blew up. I'm going to say blew up. I'm going to say blew up. I'm going to say blew up. I'm going to say blew up. I'm going to say blew up. I'm going to say blew up. I'm going to say blew up. I'm going to say blew up. I'm going to say blew up. I'm going to say blew up. I'm going to say blew up. I'm going to say blew up. I'm going to say blew up. I'm going to say blew up. I'm going to say blew up.

I'm going to say blew up. I'm going to say blew up. I'm going to say blew up. I'm going to say blew up. I'm going to say blew up. I'm going to say blew up. I'm going to say blew up. I'm going to say blew up. I'm going to say blew up. I'm going to say blew up. I'm going to say blew up. I'm going to say blew up. I'm going to say blew up. I'm going to say blew up. I'm going to say blew up. I'm going to say blew up. I'm going to say blew up. I'm going to say blew up. I'm going to say blew up. I'm going to say blew up. I'm going to say blew up. I'm going to say blew up. I'm going to say blew up. I'm going to say blew up. It's stolen the suitcase. It's labels. It's taken all those offues or something. The truth is, you would think it probably wasn't a bum, right?

But they did make it safe. So the newspaper report did say that it was a bum. Yeah, okay. Could have been a hero butcher. You want to hear about a hero butcher? Another one, yeah. This was a man who stole six pounds from a butcher, but the butcher was also an amateur magician. And rather than raising the alarm because he thought the guy would run away if he said stop thief.

He decided to do a trick where he pretended that 50p had got missing. And he said, oh, let me find it. It might be about your person. And he searched the person and then found the six pounds that he'd stolen. That's brilliant. This is in 1976. How did people were more willing to stand still? Yeah, exactly. I know, I have just stolen six pounds and now the butcher is coming round the counter and doing a bit of a trick about coin.

This is an eerie coincidence. And how can the butcher prove it? That's the butcher has already written his initials on the six pounds, which he might a bit of a trick about coin. This is an eerie coincidence. In the butcher's proof, unless the butcher has already written his initials on the six pounds, which he might have done as part of the magic trick. Just saying that's my six pounds, what are you going to do? The only reason it was a coincidence, and the butcher always basically stole all the money of the people that came in, but on this occasion, it was just money that, you know, he was nicking back.

The reason we know about it is because actually the butcher let the guy go and even gave him some sausages for his tea because he could see that he was in need of this stuff. That's really nice. But when the guy was caught for a different robbery, he was in court in Newcastle and he asked for this and a few other crimes to be taken into account and then they brought the butcher into corroborate it. That's how we know it happened. Why did he mention that when he was that being done for something else? We didn't take any further.

And it said fine, have some sausage. Guess how I got these. It's a funny story actually. It's like, can't tell you what you should tell you. You know what, I did think that, but it is a thing that they asked for other things to be taken into account, don't they? But that, I think, is what they're saying, is it precludes future prosecution.

I think that might be it, yeah. But I think on this, I suppose, maybe. But on this case, no way the butcher's gonna go, actually, I've thought about it. That's was out of order and I want the subject back. Do you think it might make the judge look more kindly on you to say, all right, I've turned over a new leaf, by the way, here are some other things.

Right, yeah. Well, it may be. I think if you said to the judge, I've never done anything wrong before. It's fine, but the difference between saying, talking about five previous robberies rather than four, I don't think that's going to meaningfully change the judges view. I think, because it's such a funny story, The judge must get a lot of quite grim cases of theft and murder and stuff. And actually, this funny thing that happened

in a butcher shop would make me look more kindly on a gr... No, I know you're a bungling crumb. I'm saying that and then the butcher, you're the butcher, it's all the funny side. David's gonna tell the... Yeah, and then I mugged and I'd look. LAUGHTER MUSIC Look. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Okay, that's it.

That is all of our facts. Thank you so much for listening. If you'd like to get in contact with any of us about the things that we've said over the course of this podcast, we can be found on our Twitter accounts. I'm on at Shriberland, James. At James Harkin. Andy. At Andrew Hunter M.

And David. At Real D Mitchell. Nice. But I don't actually look at any of the replies because it's so poisonous on there. Yes. So, you know, you won't be hearing back from me tweeting you abuse for years. You mean you have a great way to go away?

I'm not wearing a wig. I'm wearing a wig. Yeah, we can go to our group account, which is at no such thing or go to our website. No such thing as a fish.com. All of our previous episodes are up there, so do check them out. But most importantly of all, get David's new book. It's called Unruly, A History of England's Kings and Queens. It's out now in all shops and online.

That's it for us. We'll be back again next week, and we'll see you then. Goodbye. you