602: No Such Thing As 'What's My Spoon?'
00:00Hey everyone, Andy and Dan here.Hello, four weeks. Yep, there he is.So this week's episode, we just want to let you know, is a live recording.We did this a few weeks back at the London Podcast Festival, and as Anna is away on maternity at the moment,we had a very exciting guest join us, and that was Richard Osmond.Yes, Richard is here, partly for the love of the game, but partly because he's also got a new book out,it is the fifth in the Thursday Murder Club series.And if you haven't heard of this, I'm amazed.
00:30Because it is a global multi-million selling series.It's absolutely fantastic.I have read all four previous outings of the Thursday Murder Club.They're all great.I cannot wait to get my teeth stuck into the new one, which is out right now.It has just come out.It is called The Impossible Fortune.And it's going to be terrific.
00:46I know it.Yeah, it really is an amazing series.I like Andy.I've read them all.Really excited for this one.And on top of it, you know, Richard arrives to do our show in the craziest of weeksbecause not only is his book coming out, but also the Thursday.Day Murder Club has been converted into a movie. It's on Netflix. It stars Helen Mirren. It's got
01:05Pierce Brosnan. It's directed by Chris Columbus of Home Alone and Harry Potter. Spielberg's got hisname as an exec. It's an amazing cast and collection of creatives. So if you want to check outthe first book in movie form, that's up now. Yeah, but Dan, speaking of all this book stuff,are we going near any book world events anytime soon? I believe we are, Andy. I believe we are back onstage live, doing something similar to what you are about to hear, except as it's in the future,you can come and be in the audience for it. It's the Cheltenham Literary Festival, and we aregoing to be doing it live with special guest, Rachel Paris. Yes, it's going to be the 16th ofOctober, 8pm, Cheltenham, live, unplugged, we will be plugged in, there will be electrics.
01:48It's going to be so much fun. You can get your ticket right now at no such thing as I fish.com slashlive, but hurry, tickets are going like hot books. Hot books?Yep. Just go along with it, mate.All right, well, listen, if you want to see us live and you'll get a little taster of it now,go to the website as Andy says, book your tickets, and join us in the room for the recording.So let's hear this one now. It is Richard Osman.We know such thing as a fish. On with the show.Yay!
02:27Hello and welcome to another episode of No Such Thing as a Fish, a weekly podcast.This week coming to you live from the London Podcast Festival.My name is Dan Schreiber.I am sitting here with James Harkin, Andrew Hunter Murray, and Richard Osmond.And once again, we have gathered round the microphones with our four favorite facts from the last seven days.And in no particular order, here we go.Starting with fact number one, and that is Richard.One nominee for Best TV Show at the first Emmys
03:06was the masked spooner.It was like the masked singer,except the celebrity was spooning rather than singing.So that was what year, Richard?1949.And you've got to guess who's spooning you?Yeah.Which celebrity is spooning you?
03:24Yeah.Feels like a format that wouldn't get made.these days. Big spoon or a little spoon, do we know? Spooning is sort of a misnomer. Nobody wascradling anybody at this stage. Spooning was a mixture of spoken word and crooning. So the maskedspooner, well, we'll get onto who it was because you had to try and guess who it was, but theynever told you. And that's why the masked spoon, I think, didn't be quite as well as the masked singer,because you'd have a whole episode, and at the end, you wouldn't have John.Martha and Ross going, is it Bono?
03:57And then you go, no, it's former home secretary, Alan Johnson.I could have sworn it was Bono.Next week, I bet it's Bono next week.No, it was, it's someone from Emmerdale.Yeah.So he would essentially turn up at places and he would sing to people in a maskand you would constantly be asked who he was and you would go,oh, gosh, I bet it's Alan Ladd.
04:19And they go, no, guess again.Oh, I don't know any other celebrities from the 1940s.Well, I'm lucky.But then at the end.they go, see you next week.And that was the Mast Mooner.It won't surprise you to know it didn't win the Emmy.Yes, it did not.
04:35Pantamine Quiz won the Emmy that year, I believe.I don't know it didn't.That was a charade thing, basically.So you would have two teams that were four people in each team.Three of the members of one team would always be the same,and they'd have a rotating guest.And then you would have them acting out like charades.And 1949, that probably was mind-blowing.
04:57Yeah, I mean, to have a rotating guest for a start,they're like, they haven't seen that before.To a spit in the middle of the studio.These are, by the way, the other shows that were nominated.You had Armchair Detective, which sounded really great, actually.I don't know if you read into that, but Armchair Detective.Can I guess?Yep.
05:13Upholstery crime.Every week, someone's been killed but in a chair.You're right so far.Oh, no.What?Is he?Okay, so someone's killed it.Great.
05:22Just go with it, go with it.I actually, that was just a pun you missed.You're right, so far.You're right, I was just trying to.So it's, we're in Los Angeles.The city of sin.You see, and that's how you do a pun, Dan.Yeah, yeah.
05:41Well, it sounds like an armchair cop.It's somebody who specialised.Like a very specialist unit in the police, I would say.What it was is, it was a show where they would put on a drama in which someone is murdered,and you at home had a chance to guess who it was.and they had a panel as well live who would sit thereso you would watch the drama and thenthey would stop at a moment for you to deliberate
06:01and then they would actually show you what happened.There was an actual show on TV in Britainabout two or three years ago with the exact same nameand the exact same format that Susan Kalman hosted, wasn't that?Really?Is there no such thing as a new idea, Richard?Well, I would say that the mask spooner at the time was a new idea.But today is it like a lot of their new formats
06:22are kind of old formats that are.Of course, yeah. People want something that's a tiny, tiny, tiny bit different to what they'veseen before. That's all you want. Like when the traitors comes out, every single channelgoes, I tell you what people would like, something that's a bit like the traitors, but worse.And that's how TV has always worked. When we did deal or no deal, my God, the next fiveyears, some of the worst television programs in the history of the world came out, where peoplejust went, oh, people just like random stuff, do they? Okay, we'll do that. And Channel 5 didheads or tails, which is a whole week of Justin Lee Collins flipping a coin.
06:53And then Simon Cowell did the same thing with red or black, which was choose red or chooseblack, and I'll give you a million pounds.That was, um, uh, yeah, it was, it was, Anton Deck, it was a million pounds and still nobody watched.Really? Can you imagine? Wow. I watched a clip of that earlier today while researching this,and I found it compelling. I really, like, if I'd known at the time, I would have been, I wouldhave been hooked. But no, but compelling in that sort of, you know, a Netflix documentary about apoop crews rather thanI would love to watch this live.
07:22Yeah. Have you got some more of those?Yeah, yeah. There was one calledWhat's the name of that song?Can you guess what that format was?Go on, I do it. I love that.It's quite nice. At the first ever Emmys, there was only about five awardsthat were given out. But the special award was myfavorite. The special award went to Lewis
07:39McManus, who was awardedthe Emmy for designing the Emmy statue.That's clever. For the Emmys.Yeah.Does anyone know why the Emmys are called the Emmys, by the way?Named after a person?No.Oh.
07:54So the Tonys are named after a person.The Oscars are sort of named after.I mean, there's all sorts of versions of why the Oscars are called the Oscars.But the Emmys, I thought maybe it would be like M.E or something like musical and entertainment awards.But it's not, I'll tell you, there are, you know, the Cathode Ray in your television?Yeah.They have the same sort of thing, but in video cameras.And there were two competing versions of this in the 30s and 40s.
08:17There was the RCA image orthicon tube.That was the first one.And then there was the EMI Emitron.Okay.So we've got the RCA image orthocon tube and the EMI Emitron.Now, you've been doing this show long enough,but if I ask you the question,which of those two were the Emmys named after?
08:38What would you go for?I'll go off the Emitron.The Emitron, yeah.You'd be wrong.It's named after the RCA image orthocon tube.which they used to call anEmmy. So someone said, oh, we should call thesethe Emmys because that's the industry we're in.
08:53And then because the Louis McMannismade the statue into a woman, they said, oh, whywhy don't we call it Emmy instead of IME? So it becamethe Emmys. But named after the Orthocontuberather than the Emmetron.Which, by the way, was made byEMI. What it should have been called was the Dorothybecause that's who Louis
09:11modeled it after, his wife.But everyone was always modeling after their wives, weren't they?Yeah. But all those statues.Yeah.I think the Rolls-Royce is a bit racier.Isn't the Rolls-Royce a mistress or something?Yes.The Silver Sprite figure on the front of a Rolls-Royce.
09:24Yes.Isn't the Statue of Liberty like the face is his mother and the body is his wife?Wow.That is a very, very niche fetish, isn't it?Yeah.And you know what?I'm going to make a 200 feet high.I'm sure we'll move on and talk about more TV formats and things like that.
09:44But I have a little quiz for you of spoon-related stuff.slang.Oh.Because we were on the masked spooner.The masked spooner.Actual spoons.Well, you'll see.So part of the reason that the masked spooner
09:57was a bit cheeky was that spooningto mean cuddling up to someone wasdates from 1887, I think.So he knew it was a double on top.He knew it was a bit cheeky, yeah, yeah, yeah. And there are allthese references. It's also a cricketing term datingback to 1836, meaning a weak stroke.But anyway, it's
10:15spooning dates to 1887.Now spoon me. Sterling stretched himself out on the warm flagstone and the boy nestled up against him.I don't know the context. I just know that that's what was happening.Do you know what? That's my favourite of your novels. That is a bit cheap to promote it on the show.Okay, to stick one spoon in the wall. What does that mean?Are they from Urban Dictionary? Are you sure it's not to stick one spoon in the walls?Because that's an ice cream reference. That's easier. That's much easier.To stick one spoon in the wall?
10:46Yeah. To stick one spoon?Is it to try and do something that's almost impossible?No, it's very possible.We all do it.Oh, we do you?Yeah.Oh, is it like Shawshank Redemption?Oh, yeah.
10:57Oh, it's older than that.It's from the 19th century, so it's pre-Shawshank.Okay.Shall I tell you?Yes, please.It's to die.Oh.As you're doing on stage right now.
11:14Okay.I'm not sure we even walk round two.I'm not sure we've earned round two.I mean, good luck topping that.I put the strongest one first.To stick one spoon, I'd love it if a doctor ever said that you, Mr. Hunter, Murray, I'm ever so sorry.We did everything we could, but I'm afraid your mother has stuck a spoon in the wall.Oh, my God.
11:41To fill the mouth with empty spoons.To fill your mouth with empty spoons.False promises. Wasting your time. Lying. Lying. It's someone in the audience said. It's just being hungry.Ah. Weird these didn't catch on. Yeah. Well, a spoon can also be a second-rate coachman, a penis, a shovel, one-sixteenth of an ounce of heroin, or a newly qualified prison officer.Okay. Yeah. There's lots of times when you can say sticking your spoon in the wall, and depending on which spoon you're talking about, it could mean something very good. Very true.Richard, just as someone who's created some of the most defining quizzes of our time.And some of the worst, to be fair.Okay.
12:24Where does Andy's What's My Spoon rank on?I would say fairly highly up.When I think of some of my stuff.I mean, yeah, it feels like maybe, I'm not sure it's a runner.Like Series 2, I don't think people are going, oh, I wonder what more spoon stuff Andrew has for us this week.Yeah.That sort of work.But if you moved it out to other utensils, so the first one is,
12:47what the spoon, second one, what the fork.Yeah. See, there's thefall of something. Is thatthe end of your quiz, Andy? I'm afraid.Okay. I just want to quickly saya little bit more about the mass spooner.Because this was the kind of thing. It startedoff as a bit of a meme. So there was
13:03this guy who's going around like restaurantsand bars and he was always wear this outfitwhere it's like got a mask onand he's got a hood. You can't really see what he is.And then all the Hollywood magazine startedwriting about him and saying, who is themasked spooner who's going around?And actually it became a bit of a thing where people were guessing in magazines and newspapers who he was.
13:22And then the TV show was almost a spin-off.Yeah. And he got like, he was getting marriage proposals from people.And yet he never gave away the secret.And in the end, it felt like he was kind of holding on to give it away, give it away.But in the end, everyone just gave up and didn't really care anymore.But do we know who he was?We do know now, yeah.Because when he was going around to all these restaurants and the newspapers were writing about him,
13:45they heard about him from his friend called Jack Rourke.And Jack Rourke would say, oh, the Mast Spooner is going to be in the O Bar in Soho tonight.And actually, it was him.Yeah.And here's the thing, Jack Rourke was big in his own right at the time.He wasn't an anonymous character that you would just, when you heard his name, it was like,Jack Rourke, it'd be like saying Richard Osmond, he was a huge force in the world of entertainment in America.he effectively created, or at least popularized to a massive scale, telephones.
14:18And I think the word itself was almost coined by Jack Rort, telephone.I think it was, yeah.The Mars Spooner invented telethons.Yeah?He also invented the political debate on camera on screen.So when was it Nixon?I think it was Nixon.He did a big show with Nixon, yeah.
14:34Yeah, big Nixon fan.He did a telethon for Nixon and raised lots of money for his election.Can I just say a sad thing about this, though, in 1990,for Jack Rourkefinally stuck his spoon in the wall.Yeah.It's going to catch on.Isn't it a shame?
14:53It's going to catch on.I don't know how else to put it.I was trying to find TV showswhich have where everyone is in a mask or someone is in a mask.And there was an amazing TV show that you may or may not have heard of it.It was called Mr. Personality, right?2003, American.It's a dating show.
15:11and there was one woman called Haley Arpwho was going, she wanted to, she waswanting to get married, wanting to find love, and there were 20suitors guys and they were trying tocatch her eye and wanting to be picked by her in the showbut they were all wearing intense iron masksor sometimes like rubbery, quite,quite gimpy masks throughout the series.
15:39And was that her thing?No, no, not at allIt wasn't their thing eitherLike it was nobody's thing and it wasApart from one of themOne of them was likeShe'd goDo you know what I might not go for number seven
15:50He has been erected the entire seriesIt wasIt was actually won by a man calledWill DickFunny you say thatButAnd they were only allowed to remove their masksIn a pitch black room
16:08And she would feel their facesAnd then they put the mask back onMonika Lewinsky was the host, obviously.No.Wait, way.And frankly, the second worst decision she's ever made was to host this show.And it was a absolute disaster.Amazing.
16:22The men didn't even know they were going to be in masks until they turned up on the first day of shooting.Yeah, yeah, yeah.Can you pop this on for the next five weeks?Right.Disaster.They all would have said yes, though.They go, yeah, okay.That's the thing where people would come on telly, especially in, like, 2003.
16:36Anyone would have done anything?Yeah.Yeah.We pretended to send people to space.a show called Space Cadets.Were you part of that?Was I part of it?It's a good question.
16:45What's your view on it?No, I, with two of us, we're going,what's the biggest practical joke you could ever pull?And we said, I wonder if you could convince peoplethey'd ever been to space.And any time when we pitched it, they said,yeah, but you're not floating.And you go, yeah, you don't float in space
17:02because of the vacuum seal.They went, okay.And like two weeks later, go, is that true?You go, no, but you believed it.Yeah.Okay, it is time for fact number two, and that is Andy.My fact is, in 1990, most of the red kite birds in England had arrived here by British Airways.So this is about the red kite.
17:29This is a beautiful bird, and they're kind of all over the place these days.In the 90s, they were absolutely not.At the worst, I think they got down to like five breeding pairs in Wales.And you had to go to Central Wales to have even...a sniff of a red kite. And they had this project. Mike Pienkowski was a guy from the JointNature Conservation Committee and his colleague Colin Goldbraith and lots of colleagues. They knewthis bird was declining a bit across Europe. But in England, there hadn't been any for about400 years. It was about to put its spoonbill in the wall.
17:57Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Handy, lean into it. He's going to get you a TV show at the end of this.You're right. And they thought, well, maybe we could restore them in England. And they importedmaybe a dozen from Navarre in Spainand they arrived on British airwaysamazingly they were flown in the main cabinwith paying customersso as you got onthere was a load of boxes on the seats
18:21strapped in now that's a filmthat's a filmwhat boxed red kites on a planeI think something happens rightit's not a no my film is aboutthe conservation effortit's right nothinghappens
18:36and basically the populationhas grown 2.5,000% since 1995, and it's a massive story. Now they're, now they'relike reaching sea girl status in the country. I read that they're getting to the point whereschools aren't allowing the kids to eat lunch outside because they're swooping down andtrying to steal their lunch. Is that right? Yeah. I read that they, when they did come over,they spread initially along the M40 corridor because there were so many dead animals by the sideof the road. And that's what they love to eat. Yeah, they're scavengers. So that's a lovely thought,isn't it? And the reason that there weren't so many of them is because they were all killed
19:13basically, right? So they like to eat dead things, but if a farmer sees them eating like a deadlamb or something like that, they haven't killed the lamb, but the farmer thinks that they mighthave done. And so during the Tudor times, there was a thing called the Vermin Act of 1566,and that said that if you killed a red kite and you could prove it, you'd get some cash. And sopeople basically went out and killed as many of them as they could.And the idea was to help the farmers, but of course we now know that it didn't really help them at all.Also, if you killed a hedgehog, you could get up to four pence, which doesn't sound a lot,but that could buy you 20 pints of beer in Elizabethan prices for one hedgehog.
19:52Really?Wow.Getting you a certain number of pints means nothing to me recently since I discovered Weatherspoons,because up until recently, you could get a pint of Ruddles for 99P.99pI could go to the barwith a 20 pound note and come back with20 pints
20:10or one hedgeyeahDanny have you taken anotheradvertising gig on the sideno but Ruddles isa fine fine beerand affordableit's actually gone up controversially to like a pound
20:2549 now or something like thatit's me and the other guysat 9 a.m. in the weather spoons are furiousAnyway, back to Red Kites.Yeah, sure.Yeah.That's the most animated I've seen Dan in any episode of ever see.Finally discover what he's interested in.
20:43Do you know one other thing Red Kites do?Now, there's been a big vogue for wild swimming, as I'm sure you know,and a lot of people like to swim O Nattrell.Where's this going?We know they can kill lambs.They sometimes will steal your clothes.If you're wild swimming in a river, they will nick your clothes to line their nest.Oh, yeah.
21:05And then some red kite chick has a, you know, lovely pair of white fronts.I've heard this.They've found nests with a teddy burr's head in it, a tea towel in it.And in 2006, they found a nest with a St. George's flag in it.It might have been painted in by a local.But it was discovered less than an hour before England's World Cup match against Paraguay.and so it hit the newspapersthat this was a very patriotic red kite.
21:34Did we win that match?Against Paraguay, I can't, I think we did, yeah.Do you know what their Latin name is?Red kite.Yeah.Milvis, Milvis.Do you know what Milvis means?No.
21:46Bird.They're called Bird, bird, bird.Linnaeus called them Falco Milvis,but then Milvis became its own genus,and so then it got renamedand Milvis was put in front of it.So then Milvis Milvis,That's very funny.
22:01Yeah, bird, bird.Very good.It is a problem, we should say.It's a great story of reintroductionof a really precarious species,but they are eating people's lunch,and that is a problem.Article this spring from the Henley Standard,
22:14Red Kite stole my hummus.Jeff Hay, 72 years old,was having some nice hummus in his garden,and got swooped on, predated,and scratched,and it was the third time.in five years that a red kite hassnatched food from him while
22:33while he was eating outside.He sounds careless. I got some stuff onthings that have been onairplanes that feel quite out of place.I'm a big comedy fanand Tony Hancockyou must have loved Tony Hancock growing up.I mean, I'm literally, I'm not 70
22:50but move on.When did he die? When did he die?I can't actually remember. I mean, it certainlywas before I was 10.Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think. No, sorry, I'm notsuggesting that you saw it live.I think Hancock'sHalf Hour was on TV when I was...
23:05Yeah, I think a lot of us grew up on Hancock'sHalf Hour. Yes, I don't think I grew up watchingHancock's Half Hour. Sorry to...No, good lesson to just say the fact and notaccuse you of a childhoodmemory you don't have. Sobasically, Tony Hancock, for anyonewho doesn't know... Oh, Tony Hancock? I thought
23:21you meant Nick Hancock. I'm so sorry.Tony Hancock was one of the great Britishcomedian. He was the one who said, um, in theblood donor he said you know a pint that's nearly an armful or something yes he was one who hadan affair wasn't wasn't he with with the wife of the guy here around oliver bonus duringcovid have i got it right now that's yeah you that's the right handcock yeah that's the righthancock um i think what's my handcock could be the next game show i'm there you and it's calledhancock's half hour it's a half hour for oh my god roll it so he
23:59This would better be spectacular.Given the investment we've all made.If this was just Tony Hancock was once on a plane,it is going to be very disappointing.Tony Hancock was coming back from Australia.He was sitting next to Willie Rushton,who's another, you must have grown up on Willie Rushden, Richard.So he I did.
24:21He I did.And so they were sat on a plane,and one of the stewards came over and said,Mr. Hancock, you belong in first class.And so Hancock went to first class, but Willie Rushton stayed in economy.And the interesting thing about that is Hancock was dead at the time.So he had sadly passed away in Australia.He took his own life.
24:44He was quite a depressed character.And Willie Rushden happened to be in Australia.And he was cremated.He was put in an urn.And they bought him a seat in economy.And an air steward came over and said, someone would like to move seats to sit there.And they said, you can't.This is Tony Hancock.
24:58And she said, what the hell is he doing in economy?He needs to be in first class.So she took him in an urn off to first class while Willie Rushton just had to sit to a random person.So he went to pick up Tony Hancock at the end of the flight.And there was a red rose and a little note saying, thank you for all the laughs on the seat next to it.That was quite good.That's annoying, isn't it?That was all right.
25:20The same thing happened to Eric Morecam, didn't it?Did it?Eric and Ewan were on a flight together.Come on, guys, he's a guest.Yeah.Thank you, James.Do you know what the world record is for the number of yaks on a Boeing 747?Wow.
25:39Eight?Oh, it must be more.Nine.Even higher.High than a nine.14.It's triple figures.No.
25:49116 yaks.Yaks.116 yaks on a Boeing.No.Yeah.Not for fun.It was for a relocation program.But it was, yeah.
25:58that was last yearso it feels like it's a beatable recordlike it feels like it'sinnovation in the space right nowwhat's the fun versionof that number of yakson a planewell I'm scripting something
26:09I don't want to talk about itbut I did they go in the seatsyepor did they go in the holdI guess I think they always have to goin crates and custom made crates and thingswhen you're moving like megafaunayou have to
26:24you have to yeah do thatyeah when you're movingmegaformer JamesJames. Do you know what? James is such an idiotI am, I am. My God, have I ever met a man who knowsless about moving megafauna than James?Can I tell you something just to change the subjectabout moving megafauna?
26:44So there's a company called Cargo Lux.It's a Luxembourgua's companyand they have the tagline, you name it, we fly it.And they fly, if you need a big animal moving from oneplace to another, these are the guys you go to.and a couple of years ago they moved a beluga whalefrom China to Iceland.Okay.
27:04For fun?Or?No, it was very serious.It was in a sanctuary, like an ocean sanctuary.They wanted to move it to Icelandwhere it could live in the wild.And to cut a long story short,they just put it in a big hammock
27:23and keep pouring water on it.Yeah, okay.But they did.they kept it in very, very cold waterfor a couple of months beforehandso its blubber would get thickerfor the journey because...Because it's cold on a plane?
27:36Yeah, well, you have to regulate your temperatureand that's how they do it.Yeah. And I guess it would be movingto colder waters as well if it's going to...To Iceland, yeah, yeah, yeah.It's just a thing that happened, but...And when they arrived in...When they arrived in Keflavik,
27:49the locals gave them a salute of water,like they got hose pipesso that the plane could go through them,which sounds dangerous.especially in Iceland.Yeah, true.Just on reintroducing things.Oh, yeah.
28:03Would you guys like to see animalsintroduced to the UK?Show of cheers?Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.Which animals?And now we come to the meat.Okay, so animals that have gone extinctthat used to live in England
28:17but have gone out of business here.Okay.Beavours.That always gets a cheer.I know.And beavers against?Boo, boo!Okay.
28:29No beavers.Who would like moose back?Did we ever have moose?We had moose.Did we?Yeah, we did.So lots of people want beavers and birds.37% of people want moose back.
28:4437% want wild boar.Can I have a cheer for wolves?I think that's more than beavers or moose.That's a lot of people who don't live in houses made of straw.but 31% of peoplewould be up for wild wolves in the UKwhich I think I'm up forokay what about bears
29:05and againthese are people who are not living with the consequenceswhat aboutwaspsyou seeyou know what I mean they'd rather have bearsthan wasps honestly I think a bear would ruinyour picnic quicker than a wasp with I think
29:21Okay, it is time for fact number three, and that is James.Okay, my fact this week is that this year at Poundland,if you had one pound, you could buy a tin of pilchards, a water pistol,or all 825 UK Poundland stores.That's, yeah.So, yeah.I mean, you wouldn't be able to go in with your quid and say,can I have them? There has to be some lawyers involved
29:53and stuff, but the fact is thatPalman was sold this year for one pound.Wow. Plus 10p for the bag.And this is a thing, like it's a thing in UK lawif you want to buy a companyand let's say they have loads and loads of debts.So they're not really worth very much, but you want to buythe brand or whatever. In theory, you think you could just pay
30:14nothing for that because, you know, you're taking on debt.But in that actual fact, you have to swap somethingbetween you in order for it to make a contract.And usually when they do that, they do one pound.And there's been lots of things that have been bought and sold for one pounds.Ken Bates bought Chelsea Football Club for one pound in 1982.And then sold it to Roman Abramovich for 140 million pounds.Oh.
30:39About 20 years later.So, you know.That's a good investment.I thought you could buy half a defender with that, couldn't you?Portsmouth, Swansea City, Hull City, Baltimore's and Knottes County have all been bought for one pound in their history.Loss County, the oldest football team as well.Oh, yes.Aston Villa.
30:56They were bought for a pound.Were they?Yeah.But if you buy a tin of Pilchards,no one says that does come with 200 million pounds worth of debt.Exactly.Right.That is the difference.
31:04Yeah.So, yeah, they were sold by a Polish firm called Pepcoto a US investment firm called Gordon Brothers.Do you know what's really sad about this?Is that I could buy 825 UK poundland stores with my pound,yet I wouldn't be able to buy a single pint of ruddles any.more because of this mad inflation that's gone on.This just pisses me off more. That's devastating, yeah.
31:28Panlund is very interesting. The idea of setting up a shop where everything was a pound.And it did have to buckle because things did go up. So obviously things were more than apound. But just the very idea of setting up a shop and going everything is a pound is apound is a pretty remarkable thing. Yeah. Because a lot of things are a pound.Right. That's the clever thing about it. Yeah.You're going, one, my God, everything's a pound. You go, yeah, but I mean, they costa pound. Yeah, you're not selling iPads for a farm. Yeah, exactly. But there at Poundland wasa bit of a Nipo store because they were founded with a 50k loan from a guy called Stephen Smith's
32:03father who had, he had a cash and carry business and he gave his son a loan so that they couldsell this new company. A loan of one pound. But in fairness, the whole family had come froma market stall background. And the business idea for Poundland came because on their marketstole they had a box where everything was 10p and people would just go in and grab somethingand put their 10p in a thing they thought we could make this a big thing and actually I thinkin the UK there's quite a lot of companies especially supermarkets that began in the in the marketsyeah didn't they tescos morrison's and marks and spencers were all originally market stallsright there's a poundland museum no there's a pound land museum and even better than that you can
32:46buy it if you want you can buy it for 4.25 millionSo Keith Smith, who set up Poundland with his son, he went off to the Algarve afterSteve Smith was building this thing. And he and his wife came back to England and boughta house. I've got the name of it. It is Luddstone Hall. And in Luddstone Hall, it has thePoundland Museum in one of the barns there. And it's on right move right now. If you lookat Claverly in Shropshire, you can take a look at Luddstone Hall. There isn't actually a shotof the Poundland Museum. But I feel like they're tricking the buyer because it's notthe Poundland Museum. It's also a Luddstone Hall
33:22Museum. So you've got all these amazingbits of archaeology that they've dug upsitting next to Poundlanditems, right? But they sayyou get the house, which is unbelievablybeautiful, but they're going to take all of thestuff in the Poundland Museum and bringit to the headquarters so you actually don't get
33:38the Poundland Museum. Yeah. I betif I've made them an offerand I'd say that I'm buying it, butI want the Poundland Museum, they go, yeah, fine.Because it's still for so, it's been sold at a long time.Yeah, they've had to half the price.Yeah. So if I'm saying to them, full asking price...Is it you and me on Zoupler, just constantly looking up this house?
33:55One other person interested, it says.Because it started at about 9.5 million.Then it was down to 7.75.Yeah. Not that I'm obsessed with White Move.Now, as you say, it's about 4.5 million.And it's a really nice house.Yeah.It's got one of those swimming pools where you can put a dance floor over the top of it.
34:11And they actually, they reduced the price over a Christmas period for a while, thinking that that would be.I didn't know you were so into this.but if you said I want all the poundland stuffthey're not going to say noit's really important to us that that goes to our head officelisten if you want to go halves I amyeah right if you want to golet's readdress that balance
34:34yeah let's do itRichard would you would you give aa TV show to the concept of poundlandwould I think that's a good TV showwould like would you think that's a good TV show to makesorry what's you talking aboutI've got a formatcalled Poundshop Wars, which is all about rivalry between different kinds of pound shop.
34:54Okay, that's different to what you said when you walked in the room, which was, would you like a game show, and it's about Poundland?Sorry, because there was a real TV show called Pound Shop Wars. Wow. Okay. And it sounds quite fun. So I'm just going to give you a few episode pictures and see what you think of them, Richard.So someone's already made this. Yeah. Yeah. So I might not buy it from you, but go on.When poundland reduces its pricespound world retaliates by launchingthe one pound braIs that a weight thing or a price thing?It's a price.
35:29Rival stores compete for the crownof best Halloween pound shop in South Wales.No, I genuinely would like I would watch thatif I watched the first two minutes of that.Was it on Channel 5? I think I even saw it.Oh, I'm not sure.Almost certainly with John Thompson doing the voiceover.Okay.
35:44It does sound good.Do they have any stuff about the 99P stores?No, absolutely not.No, really?I love it.It tells you everything you ever need to know about economics,you do not need to go to university.You need to know that whenever a 99P store opens next to a pound store,
36:00it takes a lot of their business.Panland even bought the 99P stores for 55 million pounds in 2015.But then there was also, when the 99P stores came out,then you started getting 97-p stores.And embarking in Essex, there was the 99-p store,and then on the same street opened a 97-P store,which had an introductory 95-P sale.That's good.
36:30That's really good.Economics 101.Do you know who was the father,kind of the father of all of this stuff?So this is a guy called Frank Woolworth of Woolworth.Oh, okay.So he was the father of discount stores, basically.Where was he from?
36:42Because you get that in multiple countries now.He was American.Woolworth's was a big brand in Britain as welluntil it went bust, but he grew up in the Statesand there were already some budget stores in big citiesand they were called nickel and dimesbecause everything was either a nickel or a dimeand he opened a thing called Woolworth's great five cent store
37:00in Pennsylvania and it became unbelievably successfulas in he had about a thousand branches, no more,probably a couple of thousand all across the states,went international,and he took the opportunity to go absolutely bananaswith the money. So he paid for the biggest building in New York to be built. The tallest buildingin the world at that time was the Woolworth Building in New York. And he paid cash for it. He didn'tmuck around with mortgages or anything. He just said, I'm building, I'm commissioning this.
37:29And then he became obsessed with Napoleon Bonaparte. That was his thing. So his private office,sort of 50 floors up here, was an exact replica of Napoleon's private office from his castle in France.walk around his private estate in an old Napoleon uniform, like a legitimate old Napoleonuniform, the gate of the estate is based on the Arc to Triumph. He bought Napoleon's oldbed. There was an old sleigh bed that Napoleon had had. And there are rumors that he believedhe was Napoleon. Okay. Towards the end. And you're saying he wasn't. I'm saying he...What evidence do you have that he wasn't? Just out of interest. Do you know what? He was alsointerested in time travel. So there's a very good chance he was. He's here today.
38:13That's amazing.Frank Woolworth,just one of the most eccentric,effectively pound-trop owners, you know.Do you know what is the biggest supermarket,fastest growing, let's say,grocery chain in the US today?Oh.
38:26It's one you've heard of.Target?Is that one in America?It's not Target.It's one that's bigger in the UK and Europe, I should say.I was going to say.Liddle's very close.Aldi is correct.
38:37And so they're starting to learn about the Isle of Shame now.Oh, sorry.I thought that was Britain.For anyone who doesn't know the Isle of Shame,this is the Middle Isle of Aldiwhere they just put some absolutely crazy things in there.Basically, they do something called Overstockwhere if a company has a lot of ironing boards
39:04that they're trying to get rid of,then Aldi will buy them all for really cheapand then sell them in their shops.So America is starting to findthis. And so if you go on the internet, you get lotsof people asking what's the weirdest thing you've everfound in the Islay. Sothings include bucket hats for dogs.
39:21A light for the inside of your toiletbowl.Okay, hang on. Let's pause on that.Yeah. So what's going on there?I would give you £400,000 for 20% of thiscampaign.If you want to go to the toilet in the night.I think it's a brilliant idea. You need to wear, you might need
39:42something to aim at.Like runway lights.In an airway lights.Exactly.The team of the airbuswho used to have those.Then I can get rid of the guywith a ping pong batch
39:48in my toilet.But hang on,you don't want to turn onyour main bathroom light?What if the main bathroomis right next to the bedroomand you don't want to wake upyour partner or whatever?
39:58Like as in you don't have a door.Sorry,we don't all have doors, Dan, all right?If you get up to go to the toiletin the night, do you turn all the lights on?I just feel my way to the bathroom.That's really selfish if you're doing that.Hang on, no, I'm sorry.
40:12I don't turn on the main life.I bet you flush as well, don't you?I do.What I do is I get out of bed.I go right up to my wife's earand I go, where's the toilet again?Hey, you would go into the toiletto a separate room.
40:27I'm so sorry, what on earthare you using your iPhone light for?That's very personal a question.You don't turn the light on at night.You guys are nuts.What are you talking about?It's in a different room altogether.Oh, well.
40:42someone's doing all right for himselfI'm just going to the West Wingto have a weefucking outsome of us are still onthe old trusty ceramicbowl under the bedit's honestly like sitting next to Prince Andrew
41:00all right what else is thereso that's a good that's goodI think that's not an insane ideanone of these are like people bought these thingsdessert hummusDessert hummus.Dessert hummus.It's made of chickpeas, but it's sweet.
41:15Okay.Do the red kites get pissed off when they taste the difference?And then one person on Reddit, when they asked what's the weirdest thing you found in the Isle of Shame, said, I work at Aldi.So my take is a bit different than the shopper, but the weirdest thing I have found that the Isle of Shame is a turd light on the ground.And that's what happens when you don't turn the light on, so I take it back.It is time for our final fact of the show, and that is my fact.My fact this week is that not long after he released his songAll By Myself, the musician Eric Carman was taken to court
42:00because, as it turned out, he did not write it all by himself.We all know the song.It was in Bridget Jones' diary.Celine Dion covered it.It's a massive tune.and Eric Carmen put it on his debut albumand he decided to incorporatethe second movement of a piece by Rachmaninov
42:17and he thought because in Americait was out of copyrightthat that would be the case globallybut it wasn'tand so he had to give over 12%of the royalties forever onand so Rachmaninov has a co-write crediton all by myself
42:33crazyI mean it is in fairness it is identicalisn't itand he wasn't trying to steal itIt wasn't a plagiarism thing.He thought it was out of copyright.He was a massive Ratmaninoff fan, I think.And when they asked him about it, he said,
42:47I thought it's a crime that there are some spectacular melodies in classical musicthat the general public doesn't get exposed to.But it turned out that the actual crime was plagiarism.The irony of the title, that all by myself,and he didn't write it or by it himself,reminds me of the absolute classic case of Gary Porcup.I grew up with him, yes.Who's that?
43:12I know the name.You know Gary Portnoy?You know Gary Portnoy?He's the man who wrote when everybody knows your name.Oh.Cheers.Cheers.Yeah.
43:23Which one of the most famous songs in our culture but no one knows who wrote it was Gary Portnoy.Yes.That's great.That's really good.James did know his name.I'd heard the name before because I've watched every episode about 20 times and it comes up, doesn't it?Gary Portnoy.Does this work when you're on quizzes if you just say, oh, I did know it?
43:39yeah if you if you're like honest yeah there should be benefit of the doubt points yeah at the end ofevery round oh i was going to say that well if you were going to say it then i'm going to give you thepoints i'm taking notes for what's my spoon don't worry guys um so this is a really big thing in lotsof songs songwriters who will get sued later on because some similarity has been found so um oneof the most famous recent cases of that was the song blurred lines if anyone remembers thatFriend of the podcast.Right.T.I.
44:09Ferrell Williams and...Robin Thickey.Robin Thickey.They had to pay...They had to pay$5 million of the proceedsof blurred lines,which I mean,
44:20I'm naive about how muchan individual hit earns you,clearly.They had to pay $5 million toMarvin Gay's estate.Not because of a particularmelody or anything.It was because of the,
44:32basically the feel of the song.The vibe.The vibe.Like, they had borrowedthe vibe. To be fair, when you listento it, you can kind of see where they'recoming from, because it's like a kind of funkybass and some cowbells and... Yeah, but
44:44I mean, that feels reallyharsh. I know. Because they were going for a kind ofold school funky hit. I think that one did feellike, that's... Come on. Yeah, that'san odd one. Because there's very obvious oneswhere it absolutely is the case. Completely. There wasone that I read about, which was, I don't know if you allremember, but Louise Rednapp had a song
45:00a long time ago called Naked.The lyrics are, I can feelyour eyes all over my body. I can read thesigns, they're sexual, I can read your mind, I can see you want me. And basically, someoneeffectively ripped the entire melody and the bounce of the tempo of the song, and they suedthem. And so the co-writers of Naked by Louise Rednapp are now the co-writers of Pepper's PartyTime from Pepper Pig, who sang a song about jumping in muddy puddles. Yeah, and again,it does sound, if you listen to them both, it is the same song. It's pretty much for much,
45:32lyrically as well, yeah.I was listening to one, Viva La Vida by Coldplay,which I love.That's the Roman cavalry choirs are singing,all that kind of stuff.There's a song by Joe Satriani called If I Could Fly,and I was listening to the first minute of that.I thought, this is nothing like it.
45:47And then it gets to a bit,you go, oh, that is exactly like that song.But that's called If I Could Fly.Can I do a very brief sidebar?Yeah.Because instead of putting it, if I could fly,I wish I could fly,which is the Keith Harrison Orville song,
45:59if anyone remembers that,which is, I wish I could fly right up to the sky.Yeah.but I can't, Keith says, you can.It's called Orville's Song.And so I googled Orville's Song.I originally wrote Orville's Dong, but fortunately it said, do you mean Orville's Song?So a lot of people know the first verse of Orville's song.
46:20The second verse, I think, might be the bleakest thing ever written in any medium ever.So the first verse is, you know, you've sort of roughly know where you're going.I wish you could fly right up to the sky.I can't. Keith, you can. Orville, I can't. I wish you could see what folks see in me, but I can't.Keith, you can't. Orville, I can't. Second verse. So Orville, I wish that I had a mum and a dad, but I don't.Keith, you don't. Orville, I don't. And here we go. Back to Orville. I'd like to pretend my sadness.will end, but it won't.Keith, it will.
47:08Orville, it won't.And that was number four.That was like a big hit.Wow.I mean, that's quite something, isn't it?It's quite something.Yeah, I'd like to pretend that my sadness will end.I mean, that's like Iris Murdoch.
47:25Good Lord.It's the only people who've ever been allowed to confer on point of celebrities,Keith Harris and Orville.Very nice.They came on together, we were like, yeah, this is fine.None of us saw a problem with that.How did they do?They did great, actually, because they were up against Tommy Cannon and Bobby Ball,
47:43who scored 600 points in the first round, which to this day is a pointless celebrities record.Wow.Taylor Swift.Oh, yeah.Singer.So she has a song called Look What You Made Me Do, which is a great song.It's an absolute banger.But it has a single cadence, which was pretty much.
48:02much the same as one used in Right Said Fred's, I'm Too Sexy.Ah.Which was a really bad hit.Like, it was great, but it was sexy.I'm too sexy.Come on, mate.Okay, all right.I mean, it's no deeply dippy, but it's not bad.
48:18But basically, the writers of Right Said Fred, or Wright Said Fred themselves, I suppose,have now got a credit on Look What You Made Me Do, because their cadence ended up in it.And this is a really common thing.Like, if a big star has a hit coming up or a song coming up for release,they'll have people check over it and they'll sayit's quite similar to this existing thingdo you want to change a few notesso people actively make the songs arguably
48:39worse because they'll say like I'll just changethese songs so it's not likeI don't know yesterday or whatever it isbecause there's only so many notesI feel like it's all fine I feel like it's all fineto do. Thank you you you're on ityeahno it's an interesting point because
48:55the line that often gets saidfrom the old generation of rock starsJohn Lennon period they would saysteal from the best and they did sometimes get busted but if you look at the modernand busted are the best yeah and the modern crop you've got Olivia Rodriguez who was suedmultiple times for her debut album by various people but the old crop Elvis Costello said no go for itthis is great the strokes with their biggest hit that was a Tom Petty song almost literallyripped right last night by the strokes yeah exactly um did Petty I don't think he ended up I think
49:29he was cool. I think they came to an arrangement.Oh, okay. But he was quite cool about it.Yeah. So he wasn't, that's nice. He wasn't petty.Sorry, just to, like.Phil Manzanera, he was there in Roxy Music.Every now and again, like he'd be sent a royalty check for like 1.5 millionpound. And every time he'd have to go, sorry, this is Ray Manzorak from the doors.This happens every now and again. So he sends it back.
49:50Then he gets a royalty check for $1.5 million.He goes, sorry, this is Ray Manzorak. They said, oh no, someone took a riff he didfrom a 1970s album, and it's on the new Kanye and Jay-Z album.And so it was his money.And he hadn't known just one of their kind of scouts.He found an old record, thought this is an amazing riff.Found out who'd done it, sent him the money.Wow.
50:10Yeah. It's worth having, isn't it?Yeah.That's great.I found a really weird moment in pop history.So Blame It on the Boogie was written by Michael Jackson,a very different Michael Jackson, who was also a singer,who would trade under the name Mick Jackson,but then it got taken to America via his people
50:29and it was played to a bunch of different people.One of the people who heard it was the Jackson 5.They recorded their own version and they released it in America.Meanwhile, Mick Jackson is getting to release his own version in Englandand no one knows who is who because it's the same name.BBC Radio 1 would only play the Jackson 5 versionwhereas Capital Radio would only play the Mick Jackson versionand they were battling it out in the charts
50:54with people being confused about who is who.That's cool.It's just the most random name connection, yeah, that you could get.And he so happened to be an artist in his own right.Very cool.All my stuff's about Rap Maninoff.Oh, let's hear about Rachmaninov.He...
51:09Who did he rip off?Diodo.His first symphony, he played it to Rimsky Kosukov.He, like, went to the rehearsals.And Rimsky Korsakov said,I do not find this music at all agreeable.I was going to translate itThis is shit
51:27But it was basicallyThat's why he saidRatmaninoff suddenly thoughtOh my God this isn't very goodAnd but he couldn't call it offSo he spent the whole of the first symphonyHiding in a staircase backstageYeah but then
51:40Was it a success?Oh no no no noIt happened onceThe one reviewer wroteThat if the devil had written a symphonyBased on the Ten Plagues of EgyptAnd it was like Mr Ratmaninoff'sThen he would have fulfilled his task brilliantly
51:54and would delightto the inhabitants of hell.Three stars.And Ratmaninoff refused to let anyone perform it again in his lifetime.And when he left Rush,because he fled Russia and went to America afterwards.And when he did that,he left his manuscript behind.
52:11He just didn't want anything to do with it.Right.Boy.Yeah.Was that the one that was used in All By Myself?No, different one.No, no.No.
52:19No.The one that All By Myself is his second symphony,which is an absolute classicand which is regularly voted on Classic FM,you know, our favorite symphony.But is that because most people listening going,oh, that's the Celine Dion song.Generally, it is.
52:32I think it is, yeah.Rack Maninov, massive hands.Is that so?Yes.He can go 12 notes or something.He could do 12 notes,but he could play a five-note chord with,so it's not just reaching.
52:44Yeah.He could play.He could play the first one,and then the second one is 12 notes away,and he could also play the three in between.So that means your hand,has to be even longer than the...But surely he's impossible to play, then,
52:56for normal pianists with normal...Actually, I think that is a problemthat, like, people with smaller handsfind it difficult to play right, man enough,and also female pianists find it difficultto play right enough, because they, on average,have smaller hands.Right. Yeah.
53:09It's weird, because this is,Richard, you don't know the full history of our show,but this is probably the third...I know the full history of yourself.Okay, okay.Then, as you will very well be aware of,this is the third historical figure I foundwho has massive hands.
53:23George Eliot, the author.Yeah.Stonewall Jackson, the Confederate General.He was convinced he had one giant arm,so he used to go into battle on horse with his arm in the airso he could distribute all the blood that that was hogging to the rest of his body.This is now the third.Rachmaninov is in big hand territory.
53:41Big hand or not the quiz.They said that about Vladimir Putin.Vladimir Putin, when he walks, you see, he swings his left armand he doesn't swing his right arm.So his right arm stays absolutely by his side.And for ages, people said that he's had a stroke.Something has happened with Vladimir Putin.But you talk to anyone with any kind of knowledge of spying.
54:01They go, no, that's KGB, because that's where your gun is.So you wouldn't be kind of doing that.You'd always have your hand.No, fake arm.Fake arm.No, shush.Right hand is like holding the pistol.And then you've got the fake arm.
54:16That happens.I'm with Andy.You see this all the time.There's photos.But I don't think Putin has a fake arm.That's what I'm saying.Well, agrees to disagreeBut I know he listens
54:26So he perhaps he canLet us knowGuys, I was listening to the showI won't do the voiceThat would be offensiveYeahI think he's all rightOh I don't want to offend Putin
54:38Oh my goodnessAfter all the good things he's doneNoWe do we do need to wrap upBut you see photos nowWhere all the security detailThat are walking aroundMajor prominent politicians
54:49And leadersHave their hands just stuckin a position, and it's because they're wearingunderneath their jacket fake armswhile they hold a little gunhidden with a real arm. This is genuinelytrue. And it brings us back to Keith Harriswith Orville. He has got a fake arm?
55:04Of course you did, because he's got one handthat's up Orville's... You knowOrville wasn't real, right?Right.Yeah. You know it was Keithwho wasn't able to pretend that Is Sanderswas going to end. You know that, don't you?Are you saying that he was holding a gun inside?
55:18Was...At all times? Was Orville working under direct?Yes. We'll see. Yeah, I'll go on pointless with you. Absolutely.Yeah. I wish we could fly right up to the sky. You fucking within a minute, mate.That is it. That is all of our facts. Thank you so much for listening.If you'd like to get in contact with any of us about the things that we've said over the course of this podcast, we can be found on our online accounts.I'm on Instagram. I'm on at Shriverland, James.My Instagram is No Sixth Thing as James Harkin.
55:53Andy.Mine is Andrew Hunter M.And Richard, you're on...You're online?I don't know what I am.Mr. Osman.Mr. Osmond.On Instagram.
56:00And September 25th, the latest book is out.It is The Impossible Fortune.Yeah.And if you...What could that be?An impossible fortune?Huh?You'll have to read it to find out.
56:11And listen, if you want to ask us any questions about the things that we've said over the course of this podcast.Podcast at QI.com.Give us an email.Andy reads literally every single one of those emails.and if he finds them worthy to bring to our special club,they will appear on Jewel Drop Us a Line,which is our secret hidden members club episode that we like to do.So do send it to us there.
56:32Otherwise, thank you London Podcast Festival.Thank you everyone who has been with us here tonight.Thank you everyone who's been watching us overseas on the live stream.We're going to be back again next week.We'll see you with another episode then.Goodbye.You know,
There aren't comments yet for this episode. Click any sentence in the transcript to leave one.