No Such Thing As A Fish - 610: No Such Thing As Lily Allen In The Hellespont

Episode Date: November 20, 2025

Cariad Lloyd joins Dan, James and Andy to discuss Byron, Bazalgette, bacteria and beautiful beaches. Visit nosuchthingasafish.com for news about live shows, merchandise and more episodes. Join Club Fish for ad-free episodes and exclusive bonus content at apple.co/nosuchthingasafish or nosuchthingasafish.com/patreon Get an exclusive 15% discount on Saily data plans! Use code FISH at checkout. Download Saily app or go to https://saily.com/fish

Hey everyone, welcome to this week's episode of Fish. Dan and Andy here. Hello. And we just want to quickly let you know before we launch into this week's episode about this week's guest. Yes, it's our friend and yours. Carriead Lloyd. Yeah. She's brilliant.

She's been on loads of times before. She's always fantastic. Her fact this week is a really good one. And it's a brilliantly entertaining show. I've just listened to it and I've written it up for our archive. Have you? So you're in for a treat. I can tell you that much.

Oh, well, there we go. Yeah. And also, you should know that Carriad is not. Not only a comedian, not only a podcaster, she's also an author. That's right. Her new book is called Lydia Marmalade and the Christmas Wish. So it's a children's book. It's really funny.

It's charming. It's got a little Jane Austenie flavor to it. A little regency tinge. That's a terrible phrase. But it's really funny. It's charming. It's about a girl called Lydia Marmalade, obviously. There's an amusing sausage dog.

It's basically everything you could want for a kind of fun, classic Christmassy robber. Lydia Marmalade and the Christmas Wish. Perfect Christmas book. It's out now. And if you love books generally and you like being part of book clubs, Sarah Pasco and Carriad Lloyd have a podcast. It's brilliant. It's called Sarah and Carriette's Weirdo's Book Club.

Weirdos, good name for a podcast. Yeah, show us up the news before. And there's plenty of episodes. One of your favorite authors, Mick Herron, Andy, was a guest recently talking about his slow horses series. It's great. Check it out, but get Carriott's book. And one final bit of business before we start.

You can get ad-free episodes of this show, No Such Thing as a Fish. You can get bonus material. You can get extra mad, crazy fun stuff like shoutouts on the show and video things and longer versions of the main show. All of that is available at our secret super fantastic members club club fish. You can join it by going to patreon.com slash no such thing as a fish. It's been so much fun. We've been making so much extra stuff for it over the last month. It's been great and we're really enjoying it.

And if you would like to support the show, it is a fantastic way of doing so. That's right, so just head to patreon.com slash no such thing as a fish. You can find all the details there. But for now, on with the show. On with the show. On with the show. Hello and welcome to another episode of No Such Thing as a Fish, a weekly podcast coming to you from the QI offices in Hobern. My name is Dan Shriver.

I am sitting here with James Harkin, Andrew Hunter Murray, and Carriad Lloyd. And once again, we have gathered around the microphones with our four favorite facts from the last seven days. And in no particular order, here we go. Starting with fact number one, and that is Carriad. My fact is that Joseph Basiljit, the famous engineer who had designed London Sewers, who was inspired by the Great Stink, his great-great-grandson was the lead guitarist of the band, The Vapers Who are most famous for their single

Turning Japanese Yes Brilliant brilliant Now this is It's a very famous song A lot of people might know We've just discovered someone in the QI office Does not know it

Who's in their late 20s I think it's an age thing Because I recently was telling people This fact And a lot of people were like What song? And I was like, come on Turning Japanese

And they just stare at you Really? Yeah I do think it's an age thing Because it came out in 1980 Yeah, it's an oldie It's an oldie. But a goodie. It's a effing classic.

It's a bang. It's a brilliant song. The reason I know this is I know Ed Basiljell. No. Clang. Yes, Clang. Wow. Clang, because he is now, he left the vapors and became a TV director.

And he has directed Doctor Who, loads of different things. And I worked with him very recently on excellent Channel 5 police drama, Ellis, starring Sharon D. Clark and Andrew Gower. At what stage in your relationship did the great, great grandfather come out? So I am of a mind like yourself I managed to keep it together for five days filming in Belfast but the whole time I was like, I'm Buzzlejet, must be a Buzzerger, must be related that's such an unusual surname, can't be. And then we went for a drink in Belfast, beautiful, beautiful Belfast

after we'd finished our episode. And I think he was probably two pints of Guinness down. I was probably one rum and ginger and I was like, so are you related to the Bazzar Jets? And he was like, yeah. And then some young actors near me were like, who? Didn't know. What?

Oh my God. And they're classic sewers. They're from the 1860s, but I think anyone should know them. It's like the song turning Japanese. Imagine being Basil Jett and you don't know my song. You don't know my family sewers. Yeah. So Ed is now a very successful television director.

And yeah, so then he said, oh yes, I am related to that Basel Jett. And then someone else must he must. Or maybe he just came out with it. I can't remember now because we were in a pub in Belfast. just said oh yeah and I was in the band The Vapers

and I initially didn't recognise the name until he said Tony Jeffis and I was like and it's curious as well as the vapors the name you would think might have been Ed's suggestion but it's not

they all smoke tea cigarettes that's exactly right it was yeah before it's time head of the game yeah because Ed was the guitarist and the main

songwriter was someone else wasn't it I think Felton Fenton yeah if it had been Ed Basiljet, who came up with the name, he probably would have come up with the cholera epidemics of the 1850s. Yeah, and they're still going. She said, do you know this?

The vapors are still, they reformed. Ed was in it for a bit, and now he's gone off to TV directing. How often do you think they play the song turning Japanese in an average set? I think it's quite a lot, yeah. I do think it's quite a lot. I once went to watch Junior Senior just after their song Move Your Feet had come out and been a big hit. Oh, yeah. And they played it four times.

Right. They could have played at 5 and I would have loved it. Yeah. And it is a bit being your own tribute act, isn't it? Yeah. Chinese was like a global hit as well. It was huge. And it was their biggest hit.

I like that they knew it at the time as well. So they had it ready and they went, we should hold this back. This is going to be a big song. And so they released it as a second single as opposed to a first single from their album. Because they didn't want to be one hit wonders. Yeah. But then, yeah, sort of. They are.

And that's no bad thing. Sorry. Yeah, there's no bad thing. That's no bad thing. That's no big thing. And the former drummer, Howard Smith, was recently elected Mayor of Guilford. No.

That's pretty cool. Plang. Plang! I met the Mayor of Guvb. No, I haven't. I haven't met Mayor of Guilford. Sorry. The one of the thing about Ed Basil Jett is, as you say,

he was a TV director, but one of the things he directed on his IMDB is Seven Wonders of the Industrial World in 2003 where Robert Lindsay looked at London sewers. What compelling combination. Yeah. That's great. When do you think he bought,

did you think he went to the production company with it? Or do you think they said, I think, because you know what? There are like eight episodes in that series and he only directed one of them and it was about the sewers. They thought let's get him in.

We'd like you to do one about the phone network, please. No, I'm sure. And that's good because Robert Lindsay, as star of my family, has been in a lot of old shit. Wow. I love my family. I just couldn't resist.

I saw the opening. I'm sorry. Yeah, yeah. Sometimes you've got to throw your heroes under the bus for the joke. It's really interesting because it's normally Dan who says, I love my family, I love my family, being such a wife guy. I do. Let's go into sewers.

Yes. I said to Andy, I kind of thought that you guys would have sewers sewn up. So I thought I'd leave with more vapors stuff. I thought that somebody who's literally exploding next to me to talk about Baseljev. Have you ever been in the sewers, Andy? No, I never have. I've been to the church where the Basiljet, Mordoleum, is. but I didn't know at the time

that the mausoleum's there and I'm absolutely gutted and I'm gonna have to go back Oh, you're gonna have to go back You should go soon because it's in trouble Is it? Yeah, it's being refurbished

It's being refurbished They've got a heritage grant But I'm all over this day Ironically Water is destroying it It's not as well contained It'd be more I'm on Nick if shit was destroying it

I think The water It is underground You know And he was responsible For a lot of underground stuff Not just the sewers Also a bit of the district line

Was part of the tunnel Let's get into it Let's get into it He was a bit forgotten for a while. I think he's not now. But I think there's one Baseljet family because it's such an old surname. There's one tiny place in France

called La Bazalgette. And the Baselette family came from France. Weirdly, they came via America. It was a strange route. But they migrated to Britain and I think the early 19th century. And one person who was a few generations above Joseph was the tailor

of Prince of Wales, George. Oh, yes. And he was the first British Basiljet. He was the one who, Would you like a new suit? Would you like a new suit? I really think so. That's what it was.

I can imagine it now. Yeah, yeah. He was the grandfather of Joseph. Wow. What a family. It's a stunning family. And then there was Joseph William who we think might have been in the Battle of Trafalgar in 1805. It's amazing.

It's just like nepotism has been going through the ages of the UK. Well, it's like England is built on a feudal system. Stop it. Stop it. If your grandfather was talented, somehow you managed to still be fine. It's amazing how they're all so talented. Just despite everything. French immigrants.

I will say that. Yeah, but when? Yeah, 300 years ago. Anyway, I think Joseph was a stunning man. Mr. Suez is great. Basically, what he did, Joseph Basiljeet, is he was born in 1819. He is responsible more than most other people, or maybe the biggest individual contribution to London turning from a medieval city into a modern one.

Christopher Rann is the other one, I guess. Yeah. but what Basiljet was doing was so before Basiljet the city was open sewers cesspools in people's back gardens you would have night soil men turning up to take away the poo

I mean just and that led to cholera cholera cholera cholera like it was just it was cholera city The Thames was disgusting The Thames was basically It's healthier now isn't it

than it was then Yeah So unimaginably healthy So basically you put all the poo in the Thames The Thames obviously flows out to sea That broadly broadly worked as a solution It's a tidal river. But it's a tidal river.

And it's so, so there would just be this mass in the water of poo that broadly is making its way out to sea, but sometimes the tile would come back in. And that normally is okay because it's normally in the water. Obviously it stinks and obviously it's very, you cannot drink from the river. Yeah, yeah. But the main problem comes when the river level goes down a bit. And in the summer. Summer of 1858 was unbelievably hot and dry.

And the water level dropped. And there were piles of this matter on the bank of. to the Thames that were about six feet deep. Anyone who smelted at the time just wrote these accounts saying I cannot describe the smell. I will never forget the smell as long as I live. Yeah, right.

And people were dying and dying and dying of cholera. Yeah. So he then set in motion the building of the sewers. Did a little thing where he sort of calculated that they should be double the size that they were planning on building, which means that we're largely using a lot of them

150 years later, right? We're still using them. But also, I mean, just on a tourist level, If you're walking around London, you're kind of walking largely in Basel Jets, London. Yeah. All of the embankment's amazing that it just wasn't, the Thames was so much wider. Yeah, but those are basically to be described as sewer caps. They are where the sewers are underneath.

That was never there. So if you ever walk along the Thames, that's Basil Jet, basically. It's like 50 acres of New London that you created. And that thing about him doubling the capacity, some sources say he worked out the pooch of an average Londoner generously and then doubled it. And then some sources say he doubled it again because he said, look, we're only going to do this. I know Londoners. They're going to be pooing more than this.

I tell you, we'll need triple this. Exactly. And he basically said, look, we cannot do this a second time. We have to do it once. And that meant, right, that as the population rose, you had either double or quadruple the capacity, which meant that when high-rise building started being built and the poo-age overall pooage did increase massively.

Like there is an alternate world in which he didn't double the capacity. and in which 1960s London was overflowing the raw sewage. Like, Swinging London would have just smelt. It would have been the worst. It would have been a nightmare. But because of his solution, it lasted until today. And now we've just built this huge new sewer of the Thames Tideway Tunnel,

which is designed to sort of solve the creaking of the system, which we built. He's buried in Wimbledon, I think. In St. Mary's Church. Yes. And the mausoleum is stunning. Sorry, most people won't know what St. Mary. It's like, you're like,

Yeah, like everyone knows what's St. Mary's churches. Sorry. I've lived in London for 15 years. I don't know where that is. I used to live in Wibbleon. Sorry, yeah, yeah. It's where they do the overflow parking for the tennis tournament. Oh, right, right. Sorry to get.

Oh, you mean opposite the co-op? Right, okay. There's no co-op in Wibbleon Village, James. It's near the second waitrose. But that church is, the Muslim is really interesting because it wasn't built for him. Did you see this? I did, yeah. It was built for a slave owner called,

John Anthony Rucker, who died in 1804, and then his family did not want to be in the mausoleum with him for whatever reason. So it's just... Figured out he was a terrible statement, I know. Yeah. Mother Rucker. And then his family didn't want to be in there, so there was just almost empty, just one grave filled. So the Basil Jets bought the mausoleum. Wow. But he is still in there. Oh, Rucker's still in there? Yeah, yeah. So it's Rucker and then half a dozen Bazzle Jets around him. Wow. Yeah, there's main Basil Jett and then I think five children of his. And Mrs. Bazzlejet. So it can fit nine, I mean.

read. So what are we up to? Seven, eight, one more space. Ed could go in that mausoleum, couldn't he? I mean, God forbid. But then there's also Peter, who's his other great... Yeah, the other famous Bazajet, who's a television producer. Yeah, also as in TV and made Big Brother or something. He made, yeah, he was the creative head, I believe, of Endemol. And so he's the one who they brought in Big Brother, because that was an international format, but really the British one is what made it go global. And deal or no deal as well, he's got his name to. Sorry, just what I'm thinking is, he works in formatting, they've got one space in the Basel Jet Mausoleum and all these Basil Jets who might go in.

You decide. It's like reverse deal or no deal because it's who goes in the box. This is DeVina. I'm going into the big Basil Jet Mausoleum. I'm coming in. That's so good. Let's ask Ed if he wants to direct it and Robert Lindsay wants to host it. I think that won't. I should just say Robert Lindsay's great. You can call it my family. And friend. Or no. And Bucca.

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That's right, so download the Saly app, use the offer code fish at checkout, and you will get 50% off. 15% off that deal. Do it, do it if you're going overseas. All right, let's voyage back to the podcast. On with the show. Okay, it is time for fact number two, and that is my fact. My fact this week is that this year, 26 new bacteria species were discovered in a room specifically designed to not have any bacteria in them. Brilliant. So I got this story of a pop science writers, one of my favorite pop science writers, Dr. Robin George Andrews. He wrote it for National Geographic. And this is a story about the clean rooms that they have at NASA. So we build all of these rocket instruments that are going to Mars, all the rovers and so

forward, in these specific rooms, because you don't want to bring any life to Mars. I just love the way he said we. I was involved in it. I was like, wow, did we. I feel great. Is that like you're talking about the podcast? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, me. Sorry, I am heavily involved. You did it. Be proud. So basically, idea of the clean rooms is that humans can't allow any form of life onto Mars. Because if we're looking for life there and we bring it there, we won't be able to tell if it was there or if it was from us. So these rooms are made very specifically to make sure that the smallest of bacteria

gets killed off. And they have various different ways that they do that. They fill the room with ultraviolet lights. They have radioactive beams going through. They have prolonged periods of dry heating and they get it to above water's boiling point. So it would kill anything that would be on the surface. They do basically everything they can to make sure nothing goes up. Vinegar, that's quite good. Cologne surfaces. Yeah. Dettoe. Yeah, that's good. Deto's good.

That only kills 99.9% of the bacteria. So that's the opening wash. You need to use another brand, I think, to get that last beer. And if you just pour them into a bucket together, dumb. I'm going to set up a bleach company that kills not point not 1% of bacteria. Oh, I feel like we need it.

That's so good. Yeah, so, and a while ago they found a bacteria that did survive and did possibly go into space on various missions. So it is possible that right now on Mars there is a bacteria there that they didn't detect. So life might be on Mars right now. That would be good. But what I loved was they, weren't they saying that

it's not that this bacteria are extremely good at, like, they're not like so small they couldn't find them. This bacteria was playing dead. That's the thing. This is what's nuts. The bacteria knew to hide. Come on. You know, like when the velociraptor figures out,

the door. Like, that's, that's what we've got, right? The bacteria was like, guys, guys, shh, shh, they're just passing, they're passing. Everyone, lie down, everyone, light down. Yeah, it's basically. They've gone, they're going, go, go, go. Like the ties in Thai style. Yeah, yeah, yeah, he's gone, he's gone, go, go, go. It's learned to sort of camouflage itself. It goes into a hibernation that makes it seem as if it's dead. These are the, because normally that bright red, aren't they? And he's like, oh. Guys, put a camo on, pull the camera one, get down, get down. Behind the bush, behind the bush. Okay, we've got, we'll be in Mars in 14 years. We just got to keep quiet.

What I find really interesting is that because the rooms are cleaned so much, the microbes that are found there, it's almost like we are putting them through an accelerated breeding program to make sure they can withstand cleaning, drying, UV treatment and lack of food. And, you know, all the sterilization methods we're using, actually we're creating superbacteria. But what do they, like, swab the surfaces to see if it's there? I guess they must do, right? Yes, I think. And the ones they find, the really weird thing is, some of them. Sometimes they're found only in clean rooms. So in 2013, scientists found a new microbe,

which had only been found in spacecraft clean rooms, one in Florida and one in French Guiana. Yeah. Was that the one where they found that they were actually eating the cleaning products that they were using? That's rising. This detour is delicious. Yum, yum.

Isn't that bad that they found them in two different places? So then that's proof that it's us doing this then. It's certainly a heavy implication, isn't it? Yeah, yeah. But that's right they swabs James saying about swobbing They do swabs certain places And then they put them into solutions

And test them and they're like Oh my God, yeah This thing is still alive That's how they've been discovering them Yeah Bacteria Oh yeah And being discovered and so on

They've recently found We've spoken a bit about The largest single-celled organisms Which is kind of algae I think and they get really big But in 2022 The world's largest bacterium was found And it's the size of an eyelash

It's 5,000 times bigger than the previous largest known bacterium. Right. You can pick it up with a pair of tweezers. It's crazy. It's called Theo Margarita Magnifica. And I've ordered that from Pizza Express. Disappointingly small. Yeah, yeah.

Very big for a bacterium. Tiny pizza. Tiny, yeah. Waiter, there's a hair in my beta. Actually. Don't tell everyone. Apparently it's the equivalent of us meeting a human being who's as tall Mount Everest.

What? That's how big it is in comparison to a normal bacteria. To a normal bacteria. Right. Isn't that? I mean, crazy. That's funny in the clean room when you go, hide. And Mount Everest, dude.

Leaning against the walls in awkward ways. Let me give you one more story about bacteria. Oh, okay. Okay. This starts off very bad, but it does have a happy ending. Okay. So there was a woman in 1984. She was in America, and she was studying gonorrhea.

and she was driving home from work and she picked up her son on the way who was like three years old and then left the sun in the car while she went to the shops to buy some stuff the gonorrhea was in a petri dish that contained something called chocolate agar which is like a type of jelly that you used to grow

it's not sweet but you grow bacteria on it but it looks a bit like chocolate Oh, no. Anyway, the child Et, the Egar. Yonbi Garnia, mom. And tested positive for gonorrhea two days later.

Oh, my God. And so they took them to the centres of disease control and told them what had happened. And the happy ending is that the child was cured because they gave them antibiotics mixed in with ice cream.

So you got some ice cream in the early. Did you have some chocolate. Chocolate and ice cream? What a win for this kid. Oh, good Lord. Imagine reading that gut when they get much older and being like trying to like, you know, STD chat and being like, oh, yeah, no, I haven't had gonorrhea. It was a long time ago. I just think don't make your egg jelly look like ice cream.

There are a few different barriers that have been that have been gone through there on the, in the, like, it's a real get-me-hen-en-more situation. Now, Henanmore, I've left the gonorrhea in this thing labeled chocolate. It's very 80s parenting as well. It's like left in the car with all the chemicals. Should it be all right. Well, it's like the marshmallow test except the marshmallow's all because I can't go through here.

It's really interesting. This weirdly sort of ties back a bit to the previous fact because bacteria were first discovered in the 17th century and we think maybe in the 1640s Athanasius Kircher. He wrote that vinegar and milk abound with an innumerable multitude of worms.

So that might have been him observing with a primitive microscope the microscopic life but basically in 1900 so even 200 years after bacteria were discovered the leading causes of death were influenza tuberculosis and gastroenteris right these are all microorganism based

in 2000 100 years later the main causes of death were heart disease cancer and stroke it's just a massive shift in what does eventually end our lives yeah yeah it was so bacterial before and before things like penicillin as well yeah exactly

Penicillin, I always think as one of those moments that we're so lucky happened because there was a real sliding doors moment there. Because Alexander Fleming would come back from holiday, so he was sitting inside his lab, and he was going over all the petri dishes that he had left before going off on a holiday. Chocolate. Just have the chocolate. And out of nowhere, sort of as he's looking, a man called Merlin pops his head round the door. and they used to be colleagues together and he was looking for a new job I believe and he sort of said hey

Fleming and had he said let's go to the pub which is why he was kind of coming in to have a chat with him and take him away from the work he would have not have seen what he saw in the petri dish in that moment so Merlin said no no keep looking and that was the moment when he went

that's funny and he saw what would become the mold. The bacteria had disappeared and that some mold had presumably killed it and that was penicillin. How much do we believe that Andy. Well, then the other thing he hasn't said is that then Merlin handed him a sword, which he pulled out of the stone, and he became the rightful king of England. And that, I think that's a pretty big part of the penicillian journey. I don't know why I left that out out. Yeah. My grandpa was called Herbert Mervin, but he told me as a child that his middle name was Merlin. That's because we were descended as Welsh people from Merlin. And I was about 25 before, you know, and you say a fact out loud to someone. And I was like, oh yeah, because we're descended from Merlin. Oh no, he lied. So do we think that that's questionable if Merlin came in or not? Well, obviously Fleming was already a bacteriologist.

And he had made this discovery of lysosyme, which was a thing which it did inhibit bacterial growth, but against a few small numbers of bacteria. So it wasn't a game changer. He found that in about 1921 or two. And then several years later, he left some Staphylococcus bacteria, a culture in the lab. And then he got back and he saw there being contaminated by a fungus, which, had destroyed the colonies of staff around it. So that was an accident

but obviously he was very well placed to discover it. There is this story that it's only because he was in a rifle club at his local medical school. He was in medical school just doing general medicine and the team captain really wanted to keep him in the team and said well you'll stay in the team if you join the research department at

St Mary's Hospital Medical School in Paddington and that's why he became a bacteriologist. He's also written up on collegiate water polo dot org as the most significant water polo player of all time. Get out. Who are the others? Isn't it just him?

He played water polo at age 16 for the London Scottish Regiment because he was in the army as a young man. And this is a great website, collegiate waterpowder.org, which basically recenters the universe around water polo. It's so funny. I love it. That's very good.

And even off he discovered it, it wasn't rolled out until 15 years later. Yeah, so there was that thing where it didn't yield as much penicillin as they need, that particular mould. that they were, so they became a global hunt in order to try and find a different mould that produced penicillin. And I guess it's part, you know, there's a lot of legendary tales about this stuff, but the story of moldy Mary, who's the person who often gets attributed to being the person.

I think I've heard that on a QI. There was a lab in Illinois that was trying to find a new mold. And they sent basically a calling out to soldiers around the world who were in the field trying to find mold and send it back to this lab. She, moldy Mary, the story of her, was a lab assistant. working there. And one day when she was coming into work, she passed a grocery store outside, and she was buying a melon, and she saw an interesting melon in the batch that had some mold on it. And she thought, that looks like the mold we might be looking for.

I still remember the day in QI when someone came into the office. I think it was probably just in Pollard and told us about moldy Mary's melons. And we were just like, okay, well, that's 20 minutes of material right there. The episode writes itself. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Also, isn't it funny, there's the other Mary, TB Mary, Moldy Mary. Oh, yeah. Typhoid Mary. I'm like, don't call your kid Mary is the thing I'm getting in if I'm getting here. One thing about the older days is a lot of people call their kids Mary.

Yes. We all have relatively young kids, so know how hard it is to get them to brush their teeth. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Bribery, begging, crying. Just open, just let me, yeah. Awful. Well, here's something we can say to them that might help them to do it.

If you brush your teeth properly, your mouth becomes full of nice bacteria. Whereas if you don't, it's full of evil bacteria. You don't get rid of bacteria. James, come onto my house, please. Engage my five-year-old son with that argument. Let's see how far you can. Yeah, I think you're raising your child a bit differently to have maybe carry it and I. That's not going to do much for mine.

They do not give shit about the good bacteria or nice bacteria. Here's what I do. If you clean your teeth, I'm going to give you five pounds. I say if you're, everyone's brush their teeth, we put the telly on. That's the deal. That's a deal. No one gets to tell you to the teeth. I brush my teeth with yakled to get the friendly bacteria on there.

Am I doing the right thing? Yeah, that's right. So the idea is that if you put a load of bacteria together in a petri dish, and some are nice and some are nasty. You've got a party. And the nasty ones, they love a party, and they're going to kill all the nice ones, right? And that works in pretty much all situations. But if you keep cleaning somewhere, then everyone's energy is used up by the fact that they keep getting killed

by the fact that they're being cleaned. and it suddenly becomes no use anymore to attack the other bacteria. Because they're fighting a bigger problem. Exactly that. And so what you find is that the clean, the more the people brush their teeth, the more the bacteria that's in your mouth are the ones that don't attack the other bacteria. And there's lots of links, isn't there,

to like plaque bacteria in gums and dementia? Yeah, heart disease as well. Like flossing is one of the biggest things you can do because they found this bacteria in the plaque. And then, I haven't read it, I can't remember. But there's some link to then. finding the mould in the brain.

And so one of the biggest causes they think is in between the teeth. Is interdental brushing okay? Yes, no, that's as good as a floss, yeah. Oh, great. Because I use them as well. In other words, that's five pounds

well spent then. That's what we're saying. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I need to start cleaning my own teeth again. I stopped when I moved out of home and that money dried up. Okay. for fact number three, and that is James.

Okay, my fact this week is that Byron's Don Juan, which Gertor called a work of boundless genius, was inspired by a pantomime. Wow, two wows, one for the fact, the other for Don Juan. How do you pronounce? I don't know if it's Don Juan. I say Don Juan.

Well, if you read the poem, you would get very confused by some of the rhymes. Really, does it fail? They're in Liza tale, yeah. So Don Juan is a story, isn't it? A sort of classic, is it Spanish? Spanish, yeah. He's in Noble.

He's a Lothario. He's a dirty boy. Yeah, Don Juan. And the devil drags him to hell at the end. Sorry, spoiler for Don Juan. Does he? Yeah, sorry. Oh, Andy.

Moza, opera. Right. Same story. There's a Johnny Depp film, which Brian Adams did the song for. Have you ever really loved a woman? We've all got... I was going to say Moliard, but yeah. Don Juan.

Have you ever really, really ever loved a woman? Oh, I love that song. Carriad. Oh, my goodness. I've held back until now, but the number of copyright breaches you've made this show that are going to be a night. I had to edit around. Sorry,

sorry, Piaris. All we have to do is review it. That was beautiful singing, Carriad. Thank you so much. I call him Donny Johnny. Oh, that's what Byron called. Yeah, I really like that. In letters, it was found that he was referring to him as Donny Johnny.

Now, this is not a Byron story, is it? This is a story that goes further than it. Yeah, it goes all the way back, but Byron did his own version, which was actually quite different than Don Juan. But in his version, he said he was inspired by a bauderized version of Shadwell's Libertine. And Shadwell's Libertine was a pantomime In those days, pantomime wasn't He's behind you and stuff

There was all sorts of different things They could be marionettes They could be They were basically very popular plays That happened in the West End of London And this one was made by Charles Anthony Del Pini At the Royal Theatre, Byron Sore and thought I'm going to write

Something that slags off all my mates But with this theme So this is what Don Juan is basically Do we know if it was Did you say do we know if it was Pantor or a puppet show Well I've really tried to find out it was definitely a pan to this was a pantomime but some pantomimes did have marionettes

in and i think this one did and i think it was also based a little bit on punch and judy because that was very popular at time as well right it sounds like the the poem itself uh which seemed to be lord byron's sort of masterpiece really and which he published many years because they were written in cantos right so you they sort of were released yeah you do a book at a time yeah it's about six years he was they were coming in it's like game of thrones yeah exactly right Yeah. And like Game of Thrones, the final book was never written, I believe. Yeah. I mean, we've still got a chance with George R.R. Martin, but... Oh, it's the last seven were missing. He said it was meant to be 24. Really? 24. Miniature books in foreign. There are sort of 60.

Has anyone around here read it? I've read the whole thing. Have you? Oh, because I studied English. I brought in as a little prop for you all. Oh, nice. My university edition of Lord Byron. And it's very... We did, but Sussex, you didn't ever read the text. You just had to talk about the historical context of what was after. Look, it's so, look, so it's that, it's about, it's nearly 500 pages of this book and it's eight-line verses, it's really, it's really substantial. I remember looking at it and finding it not quite hard to read. But the thing is, I think it's the most readable epic poem. Carriott, give us a random verse.

All right, okay. You gentlemen, by dint of long seclusion, from better company have kept your own. At Keswick and through still continued fusion. of one another's minds at last have grown. To deem as a most logical conclusion that poetry has wreats for you alone, there is a narrowness in such a notion which makes me wish you'd change your lakes for ocean.

It's so bad. Absolutely devastating slam. Come on, it's like when a 10-year-old does a little rhyming poet, and the vibes about. Was Keswick that? So is it about words worth that? It's about the lake poets. Wordsworth Coleridge, who were his big rival, Sothe, who was the poet laureate at the time,

and was very stodgy. He spends a lot of this epic poem about, supposedly, about Don Jewan, slagging off Wordsworth et al. And he mentions Keswick, home of the now, world-famous pencil museum. Right. But, like, it's, I would say Byron is probably the only one of those who's readily readable. Like, pretty much anyone can pick up. Wordsworth? Wordsworth is so unreadable.

Wordsworth is much more readable. I think Don Jewan is so, because it's so funny. It's so clear. And it's so entertaining. It's a brilliant story. It's all about this young nobleman and it's the scrapes he gets into and it starts with him, you know,

accidentally getting into an adulterous situation with a married lady when he's a young man. And then Canto, too, is all this massive shipwreck story which is so exciting. Because unlike Don Juan, he's not a lethario. He keeps binding himself with older women and stuff like that way. It's basically Byron slightly excusing his own

like Lothario-ish behaviour by saying, look, it's not like that your honour. It was, it just happened. I just fell into this room. But the second book of it is all about this big shipwreck which Don Joon gets caught up in. And this is really cool because Byron's grandfather, Byron, again, very aristocratic family. He was Lord Byron. His grandfather was a young man called John Byron, maybe 50 years earlier.

So it's Joanne Byron. And he was in a shipwreck himself. There's this amazing book called The Wager, which is all about this English ship which got sunk in. 1732. I've just finished it. And one of the main sources of how it all went down, and there was cannibalism, there was mutiny, there was murder. One of the main sources is John Byron, who later became an admiral and got nickname Fowler-Wather Jack because everywhere he went, the worst storms in the world happened to him. If you're on a ship with Lord Byron's grandfather, you were going to have terrible weather. That was his reputation. So then

Fow Weather Jack's son was Mad Jack, Byron, who was Byron's dad. And then Byron didn't seem to carry on the nickname tradition. Everyone was called Jack or Matt. Yes, what we'll be learning here. Yeah, but basically Byron took a lot of the shipwreck stuff from his grandfather's own book about the shipwreck. Like, there's a bit where they eat Don Dewan's dog and it's a really sad story. And that had happened to his own grandfather.

Well, that did seem to be the thing about Byron was that his poetry, as you're saying, it's laced with autobiography in it. And the Lothario stuff, which is what he was known for in his real world, people are sort of reading it almost in the way that as we're talking, a new Lily Allen album has been released. which just lays out the life that she's recently experienced with her now ex-husband.

It's just like it's all the stories. It's like a gossip rant. We're saying that Lily Allen is the modern day, Lord Byron. You know what? Fuck yeah, we are. Because that is a piece of genius. That album, the writing on that is so beautiful. The lyrics are unbelievable.

Also, I'll take her as modern day by then. Her dad was very famous. Yeah, Mad Jack. Mad Keith Allen. Come on. I don't think you'd object to that title either. This is the most How do you do fellow kids way of describing

Lord Byron's life to work And her brother was in Game of Thrones So And they've slept together haven't they Lily Allen and her brother No no Half brother your honour That was Alfie Allen and Gemma Wheelan

So not actually Lily Allen Sorry yeah yeah It was Gemma playing her sister I know I really like the Lord Byron as Lily Allen theory Oh yeah Because he did have to flee England

Lily Allen's never had to flee England She's been living in New York she fled New York Frederick America she bought a big brownstone because he told her to buy it and encouraged her to get a big mortgage These are the lyrics to the first song

basically We're continuing Kerryad's copyright corner here Does she have a club foot? Do we know? She has a club She swam the hellesponts The straight between Europe and Asia She died into the canal in Venice

She's a huge fan of Greek independence But Byron sort of He had to flee England After his marriage fell apart And he was accused of unnatural vices and having appallingly mistreated his wife and you know there was this thing about his half-sister did they have like an affair but also he was the only poet who properly walked the walk and he went to greece and funded the greek navy for a while because greece was trying to win

its independence from the turks that's track five on the lillian but like will the greeks try and keep lily allen's lungs after she dies because she used her breath to speak out for greek independence. Byron died in Missalongi, which is this Greek town, promoting Greek independence, and he'd been there for years, backing the Greek. He was this huge fan of the Greeks, and he wrote some very rude stuff about Lord Elgin and, you know, like knicking Greek treasures. And the Greeks kept his lungs, the source of his numah, the breath of the soul, and his larynx. And they were sort of put in an urn in Greece until, and they've disappeared. Give back those marbles. We might get the lungs back coming as a fair swap.

Stop the podcast. Stop the podcast. Hi everyone. This episode is brought to you by Airbnb. Oh, Dan, you're a holiday man. I am a holiday man. Dan, Dan, the holiday man we call you in the office. They do.

Yep. Yep. And when you go away, what are there any little travel rituals you have? Yes. I try and not have a nervous breakdown as my children and wife insist of going to the toilet in the airport, literally two minutes before final boarding is closing the doors on the airplane. That's a real skill not to just break down and cry. I've really mastered it.

Really nice tradition to have in your family. That's lovely. I think one of the other traditions you might have is putting your home up on Airbnb. Am I right? Oh, yeah, definitely. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's my preferred tradition, I would say. Yeah, I mean, it's an amazing thing because you're going away,

and with your house being listed and occupied, it means that you're earning extra cash for your holiday so you can do all those extra things. Like pay for a psychologist when you get back to sort out the mental damage that your family have inflicted on you. So I think what Dan is trying to say here is, if you're listening to this and you live in a home, you already have an Airbnb, so you may as well list it on Airbnb. Yeah, it really is an amazing thing to do. Do check it out. Airbnb.com.com.com slash host, do it now. On with the podcast. On with the show. Okay. It is time for our final fact of the show.

show and that is Andy. My fact is, for several years in the 1920s, a beach in South Wales was the fastest place on the planet. How can a beach be fast? Well, good point. I'm not surprised as someone with South Wales in heritage. So you're Welsh, Kerry. I'm half Welsh. Yes. I've never fully understood the extent to which are Welsh. Well, my dad is Welsh. Well, there we go. So I was born there and I am called Calliard Lloyd. I thought that I know. That was my clue. So have you ever been to the Pendine Sands in Kamarthenshire? Oh Kamarthenshire yeah I have actually yeah so is this stunningly beautiful beach make the whole of the beaches of South Wales are the most beautiful beaches in the world sorry Dan I don't know if you're going to interject there with the beaches that you may be

from but the Gawa Peninsula all of that bit are stunning absolutely I wasn't trying to raise up or lower the Pendine Sands above or blow any of the other beaches of South Wales all of which are 10 out of 10 or Australia or Australia Sydney ones are terrible actually I'm sure they're fine You know but oh the gawa Oh my god Tell us more

Tell us more Well there's this beach Called the Pendine Sands And the interesting thing about it is It's very long And the sand is nice and compact and hard And it was traditionally used for foot races You know

Horse race races They started having motorbike races There in the early 20s And they realised That hang on In the 20s People were starting to get serious about breaking land speed records in a car

and the early records have been broken at a track called Brooklands which is circular or Ovoid and what you really need to break a land speed record is a very, very long straight track because you need a couple of miles to get up to top speed you need a mile at top speed and then you need another mile to slow down. Turning those corners is only going to slow you down.

Exactly. And so they realized this beach is perfect to drive on because it's seven miles of sand And you can drive on it a few weeks ago And it's absolutely It's amazing Of course it is, it's stunning Yeah, yeah, all right

But I thought that it's now Property of the MOD It is, you can't walk on it during the week I was there on a weekday And there are loud dystopian announcement Saying, do not walk on the beach Right You can go at the end by the cafe in the museum

Which is where I went What did they do on there? They test weapons They do you know what the MOD are like They're testing weapons Yeah, they're not having cups of tea, James Where's the most beautiful place in the country we can bomb? Unbelievable.

So it's, but there is this bit which you can't go on, which is open to the public. And they've just opened a new museum there about the Land Speed Records. And it's amazing. And they've got a brilliant display about the different kinds of sand and the diameter of the grains, which I found very interesting. How were your family waiting for you to read all those tiny pits of information next to the pictures? Were they? Because you reminded me so much of my father on holiday and all of us being like. They were in the car.

He's still reading it. He's still reading the information plaques. But we spent two hours. Don't toast the petri dishes. That's exactly why I went to the website for the museum. And it said, if you're rushed, you can probably complete it in two hours. So I imagine Andy's family were, yeah. No, I did a new land speed record in that museum because people were getting a bit impatient.

But people, people are getting a tad impatient. But this is where, uh, Malcolm Campbell, who's the sort of head of this amazing speed-breaking family, I'm sure we'll talk about them. He broke the record at 146 miles an hour. His friend and rival, J.G. Perry Thomas, broke it in his car, Babs. Is that Welsh? No, Babs is not Welsh. It's just the name Babs.

Oh, sorry. Perry Thomas was Welsh. And he tragically was killed there during a land speed record attempt, instantly killed. And the action later moved to places like the Daytona Salt Flats. As a result of that crash, I think. I really, really. Basically, he was trying to get over 200 miles an hour, really. He was trying to get there or thereabouts. And they realized that when he died in that crash, probably this isn't the best place to go that fast. Right. Right. You need somewhere even flatter. And then they went to the salt flats, didn't they? Yeah. And he got buried. And so did Babs. His car was buried as well. Babs was buried in the exact spot where the crash happened. So they literally dug a hole, put it down there. And it was buried there for about 42 years. And then someone petitioned to excavate it to put it back to. together, and it now very occasionally sits in the museum, Andy? I have seen it. Wow.

You saw Babs? Yeah. It's been lovingly restored. Wow. It's so, it's such a great museum. Yeah. But also, did you read about the heritage of Babs? It must have been there in the museum.

Okay, so Babs went by a different name before. So that was a new name given to Babs because it was a new owner. It was originally called Chitty Four because it was owned by a man called Count Zboroski, who was the inspiration for Chitty Chitty, Chitty Bang Bang. This was one of the cars that was the inspiration for chitty-chitty-bang-bang. Sorry, I just need a PRS moment. Bang, bang, bang, chitty-titty. Oh my God.

We love you. Bang, bang, chitty, chitty, bang. There was Chitty one, chitty two, chitty-three, and then chitty four. Chitty one. Chitty one became the ownership of Arthur Conan Doyle's sons. They took ownership of that and the other two went to other people. And number four. Yeah, so that's what you saw.

You know who has the current British land speed record? Bob Geldof. I'm going to... Oh, actually, I think I might know it. Is it Freddie Flintoff? It's not. Oh, is it someone from Top Gear? Is it?

It's not Idris Elba. It's Idris Elba. Sorry, Bob Gailoff is far off from Idris Elba. They're both national treasures. Exactly. Exactly. Okay, okay. He broke it in 2015.

He did 180 miles an hour for what they call the flying mile in some kind of Bentley. But he did it on that beach. On the Pennline Sands. Yeah, I know. It's the UK landspeed record. Okay. The current world landspeed record is 700. 160 something miles and out. It's very, very far.

But yeah, Amy Johnson, when she flew from South Wales to New York directly, she took off from Pendine Sands. The Pendine Sands. Wow. I know. It used to be glamorous spot. It used to be glamorous and it lasted a very, very brief time. So he talks about Malcolm Campbell.

And then let's talk about some of the other family members. So his son was Donald Campbell, who was the only man to hold both the land and water speed records at the same time. Wow. And he was the one who famously died on Coniston in a water accident. Lake District, Coniston Water. I've actually climbed the old man at Coniston. Yeah.

The same trip I went to the Keswick Pantsom Museum. Did you? Yeah. That's cool. Yeah. And Donald has a daughter called Gina. Yeah. And she has broken the women's world water speed record.

The Campbell's just have this huge... We've done dynasties today. It is dynasties. Don Wales, Malcolm's grandson, has broken the record for the fastest lawnmower on the Pendine Sands. who's who did that he's a guy called he's called Don Wales and he's Malcolm Campbell's grandson

He loves Wales so much He was like just call me Don Wales Don Wales Don Juan and Don Wales I think that's like That is very British Isn't it

It's like our land speed record Is so shit compared to the rest of the world We're going to have to go lawnmowers We're going to go novelty It's 87 miles an hour Which is pretty good for a lawnmower Just a sit-on lawnmower

Well you do have to take part In a public Grass cutting demonstration before the race So it has to be a proper lawnmower. You have to prove. But that's got to have a different engine, right? It's made from lawnmower parts. No, I get that.

I think the engine's different. Yeah. Yeah, it's got a massive rocket strapped on to it. The bit where the grass normally collects is now a fuel tank. Is that so? Yeah, you can't be just getting up to 87 miles apart on a normal, oh, people will be dying all over Surrey. Imagine if that was a setting.

What's the top speed? Let's try that. It'd be awful. Fastest shed? Also broken on the Pendine Sands. Okay. Well, the Pendine Sands are doing their best to keep these records coming, aren't they?

Do you think, is faster or slower than the fastest lawnmower? I think slower. Slower because it's so bulky. Okay. Well, I guess I'm going faster. Dan's correct. 100 miles an hour is the faster shed record. Right.

Was it on a lawnmower? Did they build it around the lawnmower? I don't know, but there's no shed demonstration. Like, you don't have to get a side out of it. Was the lawnmower guy trying to put the lawnmower back into the shed? He went that fast. Landis! Oh my goodness.

Very good. Hendine sounds is making the best of their large flat service. But generally, if you're nearby, the museum is wicked. Land speed records are in a bit of a funk at the moment, I'd say. Yeah. So the last time the landspeed record was broken was 1997. Oh. I guess as the world is being slowly destroyed, it feels a bit, you know, disingenuous to just go really fast.

They have tried to find a synthetic fuel for the Bloodhound project, which is this massive rocket. They're trying to fire across the ground. Right. You know, they were going to try and do a thousand miles an hour with a slightly more eco-friendly version of it. But they just keep running out of money and they, you know, it's sort of parked for the moment. I mean, literally it is parked. But it's the era of like breaking records, like, Guinness World Records.

You know what I mean? Like, I feel like we grew up with like that being a big thing that that was, how fast can you go? And now maybe we're like, you know, we've stopped to think, should we do this? How many followers? have. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Just should, is it worth this? Yeah. We should all slow down. Yeah. There was a, um, there was a bicycle record, really interesting one that was set there. Good, an eco record. Thank you, Dan. Thank you. This was in 2013. This was Guy Martin. You know, Guy Martin? He had this. He's crazy. Yeah, he's a motorbike guy and he's written a bunch of

best-selling books and TV shows and so on. And he's set a record for a bicycle slipstream record. Isn't that amazing? So he was going behind another vehicle and then he used the slipstream and that's when they started recording the time. Is this fast or slower than, let's say, the shed? Give me the shed again? Shep was 100 miles an hour.

Cycling. Well, what do you think then? In a sit stream. Can't be 100 miles. Even in a slip stream. On a bicycle as well. It's got to be slower than a shed. Not an e-bike.

Was it a line bike? Because they can go. They do go too fast. Really fast. Yeah, a bit unnerving. I'll say slower than, but only just slow. hour than the shed. Yeah, I think this might be a minor anna's buck

that I can't remember what it was. Oh, right. I think it was like 120 odd miles an hour, but... 112.9 miles and a shed. Yeah. So it goes lawnmower, shed, Guy Martin, in his left stream. Yeah. You do have electric car speed records, don't you?

I think we're talking about environmental. Are they fast? I've got one from 1899. It was the first electric car to go over 100. kilometers an hour. Wow. It was called Le Jaume

content, meaning never satisfied. Oh, I really thought it was something to do with ham, sorry. I was like, oh, the Jamon Contant.

Happy ham, yeah. I've seen a photo of that. It's insane. It looks absolutely bananas there. Apparently, it was pretty tough to ride and the muscles

of his body and neck became completely rigid as he drove it because it was just all over the place. Obviously, they didn't have any stability or anything like that in those.

days. They have just launched the fastest e-scooter on the planet. Yeah? And you please mind out on the pavements because they are driving those things like crazy people. Well, this one goes at a hundred miles an hour. Oh God. Watch out. Why do you need that? Watch out. Piccadilly Circus. Watch out. It's not a good idea. It's a really bad idea. That feels like that's my daughter going to nursery in the morning when I'm trying to catch up with her. Those microscooters are fast. It's called the turbo. It's made of aerospace grade aluminium and it has a range of 150 miles. And I I bet you some fucker would still not wear a helmet and be on the road with that. Yeah.

Imagine being overtaken in the far. You're driving in the fast lane. Someone behind you is on an e-scooter right up your back bumper. I've seen that in London. I've seen people on e-scooters like going so fast on the road. It's terrifying. This is the future. You'll be soon saying, honey, I think we were just overtaken by a shed.

So some Welsh records. Great. The number of people skinny dipping in a single venue is beaten this year. And the Gau Peninsula. Of course. What a lovely place to Skinny Dip. Wonderful. Do you want to guess how many?

130. Close? No, not close. Oh, I'm going to say 1,000. I'm going to say four things. Closer than that. 295. 413.

Wow. And did they turn into an orgy afterwards or was it right? No, it didn't. It was very respectable. They did it at 9 a.m. to stop any rubber neckers from turning up. Bacon's snow. get up early. Pervert to know what an alarm clock is.

Hello. Morning wood. They're ready. They're primed. Oh, it's 8.30. I simply cannot be leering at someone before 9 o'clock. I haven't had my cappuccino. And recently, the longest ever tug of war game took place on a Welsh beach. Now, when you say longest, are we talking

longest? No, it is. It's the longest rope. So it doesn't have to be the most people. It's just the longest rope. Here's the question. was it longer or shorter than the longest suspension bridge in Portugal? Oh no, oh no. No, because I know this one. I know this one.

Can I just say as well, as part of Clubfish, we're launching a quarterly quiz. And I can tell you, you're listening now, this is the kind of gold you're going to get. You're going to love this. You've got to think about it logically. There's no way logic can apply here. Why have I found this suspension bridge? Because it's very short. Or...

Or... Or because I know the length of the rope. Yeah. And I'm searching for other things. So they're the same? They're the same. Oh. And it was the largest suspension bridge in the world until quite recently.

And then it got overtaken by one in Southeast Asia. Wow. So the rope was that long? Do you have length? 20 meters. It was 1,694 feet Is that two very strong people Just leaving back?

As in, could you hold that rope in the air? Two teams of 50 Oh, okay, that's a lot. But they're Welsh, so they're going to be strong. They've got to be strong. That's just a fact. There's nothing they can do about that. Naturally strong.

I always struggle to remember whether you're half Welsh or 150% wealth. Okay, that's a lot. it. That is all of our facts. Thank you so much for listening. If you'd like to get in contact with any of us about the things that we've said over the course of this podcast, we're all online on various social media accounts. I'm on Instagram. At Shreiberland, Andy. Instagram at Andrew Hunter, James. Come and add me on LinkedIn. And Carriad? You can find me on Instagram at Carriad Lloyd. Yeah, you can also find her in book shops now. You got your new book out. Yes, Lydia Marmalade and A Christmas Wish is available in paperback now. It's a book for ages eight and up, set in Jane Austen

times featuring a mischievous winter spite and a very hungry sausage dog. Oh, nice. Lovely. There you go. Well, listen, if you want to write in anything about what we've said over the course of this podcast, we can all be reached via podcast at QI.com. Send your emails in there. They go to Andy.

Andy often cherry picks those emails, which we then bring to our show. Drop us a line, which is part of our membership club, Clubfish. Go to our website, no such thing as a fish.com to check out that and more. We've got merch, we've got an upcoming gig that you can get tickets to. Otherwise, just come back here next week because we'll be back with another episode. We'll see you then. Goodbye.