No Such Thing As A Fish - No Such Thing As A 24-Minute Podcast

Episode Date: August 24, 2018

Dan, James, Anna and Alex discuss the first ever stripper to jump out of a cake, the Queen of Sweden's business cards, and why holding your breath underwater is cheating.

Welcome to another episode of No Such Thing as a Fish, a weekly podcast coming to you from the QI offices in Covent Garden. My name is Dan Schreiber and I'm sitting here with Anna Chisinski, Alex Bell and James Harkin, and once again we have gathered round the microphones with our four favorite facts from the last seven days. And in no particular order, here we go. Starting with you, Chisinski. My fact is that the world record for the longest time spent holding one. breath is exactly the same length as this podcast episode. Wow.

How on earth can we possibly know how long this episode's going to be? My magic powers and knowledge that you're a good editor have told me. So tell me how long do I have to edit to? So you have to edit to 24 minutes and three seconds if that's okay. And this is a record that was set by Alex Seguera in 2016. And he's a champion in the sport of static apnea. I can't believe it's a sport. It's amazing.

It's a sport. It's the sport of lying face down in a swimming pool and holding your breath while remaining still. That feels like something that I can get on board with for the Olympics. We should say that this record that he broke is looked down upon by some static apneists, including himself actually, because this one involved him inhaling pure oxygen. That means you can hold your breath for much, much longer. So that doubles the volume of oxygen that you can store in your lungs. So you breathe oxygen for something like 30 minutes before you go for the record attempt.

So 24 minutes, that's the length of, a sitcom episode if you were watching an American sitcom without adverts. Well, is it though? Yeah. Well, not the new Netflix-Sea-style sitcoms, but if you go classic Seinfeld of Friends episode. Specifically, Seinfeld. Seinfeld's getting shorter. What? So the TBS have been caught broadcasting episodes of Seinfeld in fast forward 9% faster than

the original recording. So does he sound like a chipmunk? No, weirdly he doesn't because you can get away with like maybe up to about 15% without really noticing it. If you put them side by side, obviously, like you notice, but who does that? Was Alvin and the Chipmunks originally like four hours long? That's a sort of cinema noir.

That is amazing. So you lose, what, six minutes an hour? Yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly. So you get an extra minute or so of adverts for each episode. On sitcoms, do you know that the world's first sitcom, no episode survive of it? This is just a kind of, I've only mentioned this because it's the kind of thing that makes Alex really angry,

but it was on the BBC, and it was broadcast from 1946 to 47. It was called Pinwright's progress and I was just really excited to see it because it stars someone called James Hater who played Frye Tuck in a Robin Hood film that I swear no one else on earth has ever seen except me

and I recognised him. Oh my God. Because you're a James Hater. And that subconsciously I think was the reason that I pursued this fact further. There's a footballer called James Hater and my brother used to always like him because my brother's also a James Hater.

We've got a big club. But yeah, they've lost all the episodes James Hater was also, by the way, the original voice of Mr. Kipling makes exceedingly good cakes. That's very cool. The thing I love about this breathing thing is people who do it without oxygen have gone for about half as long as Alex Seguera. But whoever does it, if you really push yourself to the limit, when you come up, would you have thought you breathe in or out? You always breathe out. You always breathe out, right?

Despite where there's no oxygen. No, because you have loads of carbon dioxide in your lungs, right? Well, so we always breathe out, right? Because when you suddenly start getting out of breath underwater, is because your body has this automatic response to having too much build up of carbon dioxide, which is an emergency response which says, get up, get up, breathe, breathe, breathe.

Because if you've got too much carbon dioxide, it knows you're going to run out of oxygen. But all these champion static apneous have learned to totally override that response. So they go underwater, they hold their breaths, and the oxygen just gets absorbed and absorbed and absorbed. So by the time they come up, they need to breathe in straight away.

So that's how you spot the difference an expert and an amateur, we breathe out and they breathe in. I suppose the other way of spotting an amateur versus expert is the expert comes up 24 minutes later. I was reading that insects often hold their breath and they do it for hours and even days at a time and the reason is that too much air would actually kill them. So they're actually stopping air from coming in to save their lives

because too much of it damages their tissues. So it's simply a process of stopping. So too much oxygen damages them. Yeah, exactly. They oxidised, do they like rust? That's why they're all a bit brown. They're all rusty. They're all just rusty, yeah.

But yeah, if you see an insect, it's most likely holding its breath. So cool. I was reading a 2016 Stanford University study about sighing, and sighing's really interesting. So sighing is basically just a breathing in and then breathing in again instead of breathing out. So you're just taking in twice as much air. And the reason you do it, or one of the reasons you do it,

is to inflate the alveoli more than it usually gets because your alveoli are always sort of collapsing, like little ralveoli, the tiny little sacks on the edge of your lungs that absorb the oxygen into the rest of your body, aren't they? Yeah, lots of different alveoli are just collapsing on their own. And so they periodically need to just be re-inflated with a massive amount of air in your lungs,

and that's what sighing is. I always thought I sighed because I was really fed up with the 29th pun in a row that James had told, but it's actually just all about my alveoli. Who was thought? James hater. Go back to your club. And what's really interesting is that when they originally built iron lungs,

which are the coffin-like things that you put people in when they're having breathing difficulties, and it's basically a pressure chamber that forces people to breathe from the outside. The mechanism didn't account for sighing, as in the iron lung didn't sigh. It only did normal breathing in and out, and people kept dying. And this is when they realized this is what accounted for it because their lungs are collapsing. They sighed themselves to death. No, they didn't sigh themselves to death because they weren't sighing, because the iron lung was only doing normal breathing for them,

and it wasn't doing some sort of sigh. If we didn't sigh, we'd die. If you don't sigh, you die. That should be on signs everywhere. It is a subconscious reflex, Hannah. You don't usually need to advertise those. They don't have signs everywhere going, don't forget to breathe here.

Keep blinking. She knows I need these things. I forget. Okay, it is time for fact number two, and that is Alex. My fact this week is that Nicola Tesla was one of the guests at the first ever party with a stripper jumping out of a cake.

Amazing. Incredible. It's a really cool party. What was he doing there? Well, he was just one of several quite prominent guests. This was a party thrown by a guy called Stamford White, who was a sort of member of the New York elite at the end of the 19th century.

Really interesting character himself, actually. Controversial character as well. Yeah, yeah. So he threw all sorts of exciting dinner parties and drinks parties and things like this. and this one was on May the 20th, 1895, and one of the attractions of this party was a scantily clad girl called Susie Johnson. We actually know her name,

emerging from a pie made from galvanized iron, accompanied by recitation of singer-song of Sixpence. Well, plus birds, right? I think birds flew out along with her, didn't they? That makes more sense. The birds that came out were canaries. Uh-huh. And in the movie of this, which I watched the other night for research purposes,

It's called. It's called The Girl and the Velvet Swing, starring Joan Collins as the character who is basically Susie Johnson. The guy comes in and he's like, oh, sorry, I couldn't find any blackbirds, but I've got canaries. Oh, really? The girl. Was it also like, I couldn't find a velvet swing,

but I've got a cast iron cake. Well, we'll probably get to this in a bit, right? How did you sing it? Was it like sexy, like singing a song of six months? Because I can't work out how you sing that. To be honest, the bit with the pie, I kind of left the room and went to my kitchen to get a drink. And when I came back, I think I missed the pie.

But the rest of it is all about this guy, Stanford White, who like Dan's about to say, is very controversial. Yeah, very controversial. The reason for the title of The Velvet Swing is to do with his controversiality. He used to like to sneak girls back to a house of his in Manhattan. And no good way of saying it, drug and rape them. That was his very bad human. And the girl on the Velvet Swing refers to a girl who he did this to when she was age 16. Yes, because her husband,

who I think's name was Thor or something like that. Not Thor as in the Norsegaard, Thor as in what happens to snow when it's warm. Yes. He then shot... Very confused in the cinema. I saw a very boring film

that I was very much looking to. The Marvel movie where it's just snow melting. He was at a theatre performance of Mademoiselle Champagne's I could love a million girls and then Thor came over and shot Stamford White in the face. Yeah and this was about 1905 wasn't it? That's right.

This is why this whole jumping out of cake thing became well known. Because in the court case, everyone suddenly read about this amazing cake woman party. And then I guess it became a thing. Imagine that's a bit of your obituary that sticks out. So you've just been murdered by a millionaire in a public space. And then everyone's going, hang on, what's this cake bit? That sounds pretty cool. He made history in the industry of raunchy parties.

Yeah, he's done the world of service in his murder. But he did the world. the disservice because there were more repercussions afterwards. So the whole thing was covered by a journalist called Merrill Goddard. And then Merrill Goddard was so good at covering this case that Randolph Hurst, who was a newspaper proprietor, decided to take her for his newspaper. She was working with Pulitzer, and then Hurst and Pulitzer had a massive competition against each other for who could get the most readers for their newspaper. And that turned into sensational journalism. And that's why we have red top journalism today. Wow. It all came from there. So, um,

Your fact says she jumped out of a cake. It was a pie. Sorry. When did it become cake? It was a pie? I mean, that's, it was a crusted top pie? In the movie, it's like, it looks like one of those. You know where it's got criss-cross of pastry on the top of it.

But that might just be for the movies. I guess, I guess it makes sense that what traditionally there's like it, like in banquets and stuff in sort of medieval times, you've got very elaborate pies and things coming out of pies. And then it becomes more of a tradition to do things at parties. And at parties, we now have cake. So they just said, well, why don't we have people jumping out of cakes? It's a bit weird to have a pie at a birthday party. I guess cake's more practical to jump out of and to hide it in, really, because it can be taller. You can have a tall pie.

Yeah. I don't think so. I think they can just go up as high as you want it. I'd be suspicious if I saw a really tall pie. I'd be like, there's a person in there. Whereas you can have a big cake and be like, have no idea there's person in. Hang on. If you saw a giant cake come in, you would suspend suspicion that there's a human in there

and think this is probably all cake. It could be, it could be a big cake. Can I give my favourite jump? out of a pie incident. Yes, please. So this was one of the earliest ones, I think. It was in 1454, and it was when things being hidden in pies was used as a rallying cry of the Christians against the Ottomans. So this was kind of during the era of the Crusades. It was King Philip, who through this really, really elaborate banquet was sort of jousting and these amazing table decorations that we've talked about before. And then he led everyone into this really long table.

And on the table, he had this giant pie and the pie opened up mechanically to reveal 28 playing musicians, so an orchestra of 28 people who leapt out of the pie and played. Do you think if you saw a cake that size, you'd think just a normal cake? Well, if it had music coming out of it, I'd be like, there's something else going on. Maybe not people inside, but, you know. We don't know what song they played. We don't know what song they played. Although we do know at that same party, there was a statue of a beautiful woman who had

wine springing from her breast that people could drink from. At this party, Stanford White's party, he was serving wine, but he had a blonde waitress who only served white wine. and a brunette who only served red wine. Really? That's quite nice. It's like having a lid to match the bottle kind of thing. I know what you're saying, but then on the other hand, it's not very woke, is it?

It's slightly objectifying these women. I'll give you that. As we've established, this guy doesn't have the best track record with Wivered. Susie Johnson, the lady who jumped out of the pie cake, we don't know what happened to her. She's another mystery in the whole story. She disappeared. People tried to track her down because she became, as you say, we know her name. Did they just check every cake?

She's not in this one It's the Mr. Kippley, Patrick, not in this one Multiple weddings ruined Once again The Cake Police swoop in Okay, it's time for fact Number three, and that is my fact My fact this week is that when in London

Queen Louise of Sweden Always carried a card saying I am the Queen of Sweden in case she was hit by a bus Coggy She used to travel around London as it were in disguise. She didn't go around with an entourage.

She loved shopping and so she would just go on her own. And one time she was almost hit by a bus. As a result, she decided, God, if I was hit by this bus, how would people know who I was? Why don't I carry a card inside my handbag that says, I am the Queen of Sweden? And then they'll be like, we know who she is. And then the people who found her, rather than going,

I guess we'll just leave her there. We don't really care. We'll go, oh, hang on, she's the queen. We better sort out this car accident situation. Also, it's a really weird reaction to have when you're about to hit by bus. The normal reaction is, wow, should be more careful crossing the road.

When that inevitably happens again, I better make sure I'm properly labelled. Well, you're the only one that I know of who's almost been hit by a bus. How did you react? They shouted at the bus. What did you shout? Go back to bus school.

This is one of the greatest anecdotes in QI history, isn't it? That comes up basically everyone. It's a shock. Go back to bus school. It's the greatest line ever. Would you keep that on a card in your handbag? Just hanged out to the bus driver.

Wouldn't it be amazing though whenever you call 999 if you find someone unconscious on the floor you call 999 and they say okay cool so first things first have you looked through their handbag and have you checked their business cards? Is it the Queen of Sweden?

Okay. This has happened before. She was really great though Queen Louise of Sweden as she. In her first passport it had a thing called special peculiarities where you put things about your face if you have a scar or whatever

and she wrote walks like a parrot. Really? She's, just to put her into a bit of context, she is the auntie of Prince Philip. Yes. And so she was the Mountbatten family, formerly Battenbergs, wasn't she? That's right. Battenbergs who hurriedly changed their name to Mountbatten when the Germans became

the bad guys. Yeah. Yeah, and she was the great-granddaughter of Queen Victoria, I think. But all the European royal families are all just related to each other, aren't they? They are. Really? During World War II, because all of the royal families are all related to, to each other, but then they were in hauling countries that were all fighting against each

other. She worked as a messenger kind of giving messages between all of her family. Oh, does she? Who weren't allowed to talk to each other? Not a spy. I suppose you could call it a spy, couldn't you? I mean, it's pretty much basically a double agent. But I think she was doing it quite explicitly and not hiding. I was sitting on a bench handing every message and they're like, I am the queen of sweetening.

What does this mean? Oh, sorry, Ronka. And presumably it was more like, Bobby just had a baby rather than the Nazis are on their way across the channel. The Swedish royal family is quite interesting though And the modern Swedish royal family is as well So there's Carl the 16th who's king now Who I don't think we've ever said on the podcast Is the 10th King Carl of Sweden

Who did they miss out? They added lots It goes back to the 15th century When a guy called Johann Magnus Wrote this sort of fanciful history Of all the Swedish kings And he just added a whole bunch of kings So he made up six erics and six Karl

And they've kept that numerical system ever since. But why were they referring to this fictional account as history? Because it became really popular. It was a bit like the sagas, you know, became a thing that was always read. I think it's like we have King Arthur for instance. And so if we were to have a new King Arthur,

we would probably call him Arthur the second, wouldn't we? Oh, I'd love to see. And if Prince Harry became king, he would be Henry the 9th. He'd be our first Henry since the dreaded Henry the 8th. Well, if he kept the name, right? Although sometimes you take on a different name when you become royal. Because Prince Charles will. Yes.

we think become Henry he won't become Charles no we were discussing this we were we had a party last week at my place which you were invited to but you didn't come and it was so exciting that we started talking about the regular numbers of the Kings and Queen England we were so sorry I couldn't make it guys it great Edward the ninth I think we found that was what you thought that's

that's what the bookies reckon yeah I think so I should quickly add just about the main fact itself I've read this in a few places found a few sources but nothing that I would say is concrete enough that I truly, I want to see the card. And if anyone knows if the card exists. So the source for this, the original source, was Queen Louise's niece Dola, who was the Margravine of Baden.

I don't know what that means. But anyway, it was a relative who first said this. Yeah. Okay. That's a good source. Thank you all for helping me out. There's been researching. Okay.

It is time for our final fact of the show, and that is James. Okay. My fact this week is that last year in the UK, two eight-year-olds were caught speeding. This came from a freedom of information question that was posed to the driver and vehicle licensing agency, and they asked for all of the different statistics, and they also found out that 900 people in their 90s

got penalty points for speeding last year, including three people aged 99. Wow. Although I reckon... 99? That's the oldest, but it's quite a coincidence that it's 99 and not 100-something, so I reckon anyone that's over 99,

they just put 99. Maybe there's only two spaces in that. the form or something. Oh wow. Yeah. I reckon. Or you just don't find someone who's a hundred or more for speeding. You just ask their age, you know, fair enough, mate. Go on. Unfair that you, you dock the 99 year old though. Well, you know, one more year in your home. Yeah, you've got to hang on to your 100th birthday. That's like saying unfair that you won't let the 15 year old smoke when the 16 year old's allowed to. I mean, you've got to draw the line somewhere, haven't you? Okay, sure. 99. That's a line. Sorry, I also think the smoking age might have gone up since I was a smoker. So 16 year olds,

if it's illegal, just check. Or, you know, whatever, don't smoke. Maybe. Consider that. There have been quite a lot of weird speeding fines and driving fines this year. So there have been two instances of people getting caught driving to the hospital because their wives are in labour and getting stopped for speeding. And so one was in the UK going at 101 miles an hour.

And then there was another guy in the US who missed the birth of his child because he was taken to a cell. Oh, no. Yeah. Oh, that's hard. It's really rough, isn't it? Because in the movies, there's no repercussions when you see them breaking all the laws to get to the hospital. On the contrary, I'll give you an escort, which is never happened to ever, ever. That happened to me once in Oldham.

I wasn't speeding, but I was stuck, and then the police gave me a lift to the football game because they thought I'd missed the game. And they put the siren on it. They're probably not allowed to do this, but they put the siren on, and everyone moved out of the way, and we flew through Oldham. No way. Just to get you to the... How are you stuck? We got off at the... the wrong train station.

What? There's nothing even went wrong. That's just bad traveling on your part. It's just awesome policing by the policeman who's probably since been fine. Absolutely nothing else going on in Oldham if they're just doing that, just being like,

where are you going? Can we give you a lift? Sean Connery was once stopped for speeding by an officer named Sergeant James Bond. No. Is that right? Wow. That's good.

I really hope he did the names Bond, James Bond. But I'm going to need to see your license. To Kill. and then your actual license we have in our in our book we've got a similar sort of story what books that done it's called the book of the year 2018 your definitive guide to the world's weirdest news

do you know when it comes out yeah October the 18th okay was it available it's going to be in bookshops it's going to be online um yeah and he's not here we can say amazon amazon it's going to be on amazon yes this is the first i've heard of it remember we found that thing of the guy who was done for drink driving but claimed that he wasn't drink driving because he was only drinking every time he got to a traffic stop side. So we'd stop have a swig. And they're going to go.

This is, sorry, go on. No, you go if I was just sighing, I just want to stay alive. Did you know the first person to pass a driving test was called Mr. Beer? No, I didn't know. It's in 1935. He paid 37.5P. Just found that out. And also I found out this weird thing that driving tests were suspended in the Second World War, which makes sense.

They were suspended again during the Suez Crisis, which is quite weird, and especially given that during the Suez Crisis, learners were allowed to drive unaccompanied. And I think, I don't know about Suez Crisis, but it's definitely true the Second World War, that if you learn to drive during the war, they just gave you a license. You didn't need to take a test at all. What, just because you've been through the war. You've learned how to drive. You obviously, if you could drive enough to defeat the Nazis,

then you could drive enough to go to the shelf. If you can drive a tank through a minefield and not get blown up, I think you can manage the M-25. Speaking of tanks, I read this yesterday. So you're allowed to drive a tank on the road in the UK. You need a special license. But if you could get a provisional license, which is really easy, a provisional tank license, then as long as someone sat next to you who can drive a tank,

then you can drive a tank through the streets of the UK at any time. But you need to have learner plates on the tank. Wow, that's so cool. I knew that because the QI's production coordinator was telling me a great story about how she had to get James Blunt to drive a tank through the BBC. That was, yeah. Because he was an army guy,

so he knows how to drive a tank. Yeah. But where do you get a tank? This still feels like the main stumbling block. My buddy had a tank. Yeah, she just knew a guy. He just, who's your buddy? Ed.

You've met Ed once. We met him outside Burger Shack. Oh, yeah, the guy in the tank. Yeah, his name's Ed Superior. And he bought a tank. He was in Lee Lakes. He was trying to find someone to park. He used to have it parked outside

Ash Gardner of Vamprease's house. They were neighbors and outside was his tank. And we used to go and sit inside it. He made it into this really nice sort of, you know, where you have Netflix nights kind of thing. Oh, it was a hipster tank. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was a wanked tank.

Okay, that is it. That is all of our facts. Thank you so much for listening. If you'd like to get in contact with any of us about the things that we've said over the course of this podcast, we can be found on our Twitter accounts. I'm on at Schreiberland, James. At James Harkin.

Alex at Alex Bell. And Jasinski. You can email podcast at QI.com. Yep, or you can go to our group Twitter account, which is at No Such Thing, or to our website. No Such Thing is a Fish.com. It's just been remade. It has everything you would need from us if you wanted anything from us. It's got links to tickets.

It has all of our previous episodes. It has all of our merchandise. It looks awesome. We'll beg up speed up. Okay, that's it. We'll see you next week. Goodbye. Bye.