No Such Thing As A Fish - No Such Thing As A Kryptonite Drill

Episode Date: October 15, 2021

Live from Nottingham, Dan, James, Anna and Andrew discuss the lunar hammock, Titanic panic, Aussie officials and how to cook pizzles. Visit nosuchthingasafish.com for news about live shows, merchandise and more episodes.

Welcome to another episode of No Such Thing as a Fish, a weekly podcast this week coming to you live from Not a No. Here with Anna Tashinsky, Andrew Hunter Murray and James Harkin, and once again we have gathered round the microphones with our four favorite facts from the last seven days. And in a particular order, here we go. Starting with fact number one, and that is Anna. My fact this week is that in 2015, paramedics in Australia stopped asking patients to name the Prime Minister as a test of mental capacity because the answer changes so often it's no longer considered a reliable indicator. That's amazing. And it's true, isn't it?

Australia is constantly trading its PM. In fact, there's a Twitter account which is called at Who is PM, where it gives basically half out. hourly updates going, it's still Scott Morrison. So what you're saying is if you're in some kind of problem, the paramedics come along, you have to go, I just need to go on Twitter really quickly. They did say, I think the reason the particular paramedic who was interviewed and the article I read this, and the reason he said he stopped doing it was because he'd actually had a patient whom he'd asked who's the Prime Minister,

and they just said, I don't know, I haven't watched the news today. Very nice. That's a strong answer, isn't it? I didn't really know how crazy Australia. I don't know anything about Australian politics before. this. And so just to clarify it, there's this big thing of ousting your predecessor. So in 2010, Julia Gillard ousted Kevin Rudd. And that was really exciting after only three years. But then in 2013, Julia Gillard was ousted, guess who by? By Kevin Rudd. Then in 2015, Malcolm Turnbull

ousted Tony Abbott, then Turnbull stayed on. And basically, there are so many PMs specifically in that short period. Yeah, it was five PMs in five years, if you count Rudd twice, which you could because many people say he's sort of got two different personalities. Oh, wow. What's amazing is none of us in this room really know anything about him, but we all wooed anyway. It could have been worse. It could be worse.

If you're in Nepal, for instance, and you get caught in an accident, since they became a democracy in 1951, they've had 53 changes of government. Right. That's a lot. That's a lot. Yeah, that's tough. Although, if Australia kept up, it's won a year,

which it hasn't actually since 2015. But, you know, it would be beating Nepal. Who is the current Prime Minister? So that's Scott Morrison now. It was Malcolm Turn Bill. So they've had six, they had six and seven years, which is quite good. Five and five years.

So Scott Morrison is he the one who shit myself in McDonald's? Sorry? What? Not familiar with this? I'm not sure. Is he? I think that's what he's most famous for,

isn't he? Yeah. I don't know if that's what he's most famous for in Australia, the country where he's prime minister. He's Australia. I don't know. Every time, literally every time he goes on television, he says, oh, I'm going to be on ABC tonight

and someone replies, tell us about the time you're shit. yourself in McDonald's. He's the Australian Paula Radcliffe. Is that what we're saying? Well, he is running a lot for come on, guys. Top crowd tonight. Wow.

Ozzie politics, it's just a bit more earthy and rude, isn't it? Genuinely it is. It's quite, the stuff they say in Parliament is also really rude. So I looked up unparliamentary language from the Australian Parliament. And there is a lot. There is a lot, especially if you include

all the regional assemblies and things like that. List of things set. I mean, they call each other nitwit, knucklehead, Muppet. That's not that bad. These are a bit mild, yeah, yeah. My question is to the village idiot. That was one.

And they all answered. Well, there's more. In 1994, one member of the Victoria House said to another one, what is the difference between you and a bucket of shit? And the speaker rightly said, that's unparliamentary language. And he said, I withdraw bucket.

Wow. It's had a long history of it. Every Australian PM has an offensive nickname. The first Australian Prime Minister was called Toby Tospot. Really? They're like pretty much straight away. Yeah, he was Edmund Barton, and it was turn of the 20th century. And Tospot then was a term for someone who drank too much.

And Toby was just what people were called him. You toss a pot back. He could toss a pot back. Toss a pot. QI, when I first joined QI, and I'm an Aussie, I should say, technically. I wonder what village is missing their idiot I am Aussie my dad's Ozzy and my grandmother's Ozzie

and I live there for my whole high school years and when I moved to England I moved to Oxford where I didn't go to university but QI was set up there and there's a pub called the Turf Tavern and in the Turf Tavern on the wall one of our prime ministers has an award a Guinness World Record

Bob Hawke for downing the quickest yard of ale that anyone has ever done. It was in 1954. It was two and a half pints he did in 11 seconds. It's since been beaten, but for the rest of his life, Bob Hawke, whenever he went to, like, cricket matches, people would

give him a big pint to be like, oh, and this is like a 70-year-old man. And he's fucking down it. Such a champ. I think my favorite Australian Prime Minister, sorry, but was Tony Abbott. He was in opposition when I lived there, and he's an

entertaining man. So he's very right wing Tony Abbott. He's done some wacky shit so every Australian knows this, but it is worth watching if you haven't seen it. He went to visit an onion farm in Tasmania or an onion seller, a big onion selling company, and the cameras were on and he was like, God, I won't do the accent, God your produce is so great, grabbed an onion, skin on, and just bit straight into it. Just chowed right down, was asked afterwards what he was doing, he said, people eat raw onion all the time. It's fine, in salads, whatever. The skin was. wasn't on, the skin was on.

It's very clearly on. Wow. And then he did it again. A couple of months later, someone sent him a promotional pack of onions. He bit down on one again. Then footage was on earth of him eating a raw spring onion. The man's got a problem. All spring onions are eaten raw in salads, aren't they? Just on its own from the floppy end.

I mean, that's weird. I remember... That is weird. I remember reading once that if you hold your nose and you bite an onion, then you won't be able to... It'll taste like an apple. and I tried that and it is not true. Maybe that's what he was testing out. The first woman to be elected in Australia

was someone called Edith Cowan and she won a seat in West Perth in 1921 but she had to go home whenever she needed the toilet because there was no female toilets. Oh, wow. Or to McDonald's and shit herself, I suppose it's possible. Did she live nearby? Yeah, she lived around the corner.

But even so. I know, I'm not so. She lived nearby, fine. There was one really cool thing in 2013. There was an election in Australia, as there were most years around then apparently, or oustings anyway. The voting booths came with magnifying glasses.

Oh yeah. Because there were 50 parties on the ballot paper. Wow. There were so many parties that you had to be able to zoom in. So it was for, yeah. Wow. I know. Was that the election where,

I think it was the lead up to that election where they postponed the prime ministerial, debate so much like us in Australia they have the incumbent or the two candidates who are going to be Prime Minister before an election go up in debates various television debates and the last one is a massive deal and it's the first time ever

they moved it an hour forward I think because Master Chef was on Wow Oh it's big in Australia it's good Australia Australia's good and they are better than the British Master Chef people supposedly the

well Wow supposedly the worst Prime Minister that has ever been in Australia is Billy McMahon. He had a bold pointy head with big ears and one opponent said he looked like a Volkswagen with both doors open. He wasn't liked by even the people in his own cabinet. There was one guy who he worked with called Paul Hasluck who referred to him as that treacherous bastard. And the guy who was writing his potential autobiography said that he is a third-rate politician and then he is a third-rate politician and

that he could become PM is a damning indictment on the country. Harth truths, lies, cheaper tracks. What an unpleasant little turd. Another actually Prime Minister who's considered writing a book, but apparently didn't get round to it, is Malcolm Turnbull, so last Prime Minister but won, and he considered finishing off his mother's raunchy novel. Wow.

Malcolm Turnbull had kind of a sad childhood. He was very close to his dad, who tragically died in a plane crash. was quite young, but his mother was this academic who'd run away with another man. And she went to America, and while in America, so she was called something Lansbury, and she was a cousin of Angela Lansbury. And while she was in America, Angela Lansbury said to her, mate, you've got to stop writing this dry, boring academic stuff and start writing some fun shit.

Wait, so Angela, she's, is she murder she wrote? Do you know Angela Lansbury, right? Yeah, murder she wrote. Anyway, yeah, she wrote a few raunchy novels, which sold quite well, and then she died halfway through writing a novel called opium exclamation mark. Sounds like a musical. It does. Quite a sleepy musical.

Well, I think her son might still be working on it. So now he's out of office. Maybe we'll get opium finally. Malcolm Turnbull's podcast, My Mum Wrote a Pornow, is going to be... Stone Cold Hit, I think. On the tests that you can get from people, from paramedics, or another one is like if you've been in a crash and they want to check if you've been drinking.

right? There was a thing with Tiger Woods a few months ago. Do you remember he was in a car crash and they wanted to check if he'd been drinking? And so they said to him, okay Tiger, what you need to do is you need to say the alphabet forwards, not backwards, you need to say the alphabet forwards and you're not allowed to sing it. So Tiger, do you know what you have to do? And he said, yes, I have to not sing the national anthem backwards. Graceous Save. Oh God.

You know he's American. Yep, cool. All right, we need to move on. Okay, it is time for fact number two, and that is my fact. My fact this week is that three people were recently hospitalized after being hit by an iceberg

at a Titanic Museum. So this is the Titanic Museum attraction, which is in Pigeon Forge, Tennessee, and they have this giant ice wall inside of the attraction, and it's 15 foot by 28 foot, and it's sort of, it is actual real ice, so visitors can actually touch it, and it's grown using a sort of water filtration system, and the whole thing just cracked and smashed down, and it hurt people, and they were hospitalized, but they survived. They survived.

Yeah, yeah, as in you're saying, the hearts will go on. But yeah, I think it's time we don't put any ice near things called Titanic, it feels like, because, you know, it happens a lot, doesn't it? It's not just... I don't know how... It's happened twice. Oh, my God. It's happened more than twice.

Famously, the first time it happened. We've all heard of that one. 2008, Carnegie Science Center, there was a Titanic exhibit that was in Pittsburgh. They had to temporarily close. due to flooding. So that stopped them. There was a Titanic musical, which was in Southampton,

which had to be stopped after the replica Titanic hit the iceberg and plastic fell off the wall. That was the actual iceberg, yeah. And everyone, all the audience saw, wow, that's an amazing effect. But then the crew ran out going, stop the show!

I read, and I haven't actually confirmed this, but there was another Titanic musical incident where a burst pipe just exploded across the first three rows of the audience and everyone left angrily and one person went wow we truly experienced

the sinking of the Titanic need to confirm that one nice one you can really empathise with you know those figures from history well there was even in 1898 a Titan ship that hit in iceberg and sank which was a fictional ship but a novel was written

in 1898 by a guy called Morgan Robertson who was called Futility starring a ship called Titan and it had been built in Britain It was sailing to America. It was going too fast. Hits an iceberg. Not enough life boats.

Half the crew die. Yeah. In 1898. Although there are a few details that are slightly different. It also involves in the plot. The boat cuts another boat in half while plowing through to the iceberg. What? Yeah, it just cuts one in half.

It's about this massive boat that's so huge it leaves other boats in its midst. It's sort of like a monster boat. And then when it crashes, the hero almost goes down with the ship. but thankfully he survives, I believe, ends up on the iceberg and manages to rescue the young child of the woman he fancies from a polar bear who's trying to eat him. Oh, okay. So some of it is also, yeah, that's close.

Apparently, the V&A Museum, they did a Titanic exhibit, and apparently this book, Titan, was on the Titanic as part of the reading library. Apparently, yeah, yeah. Just quickly on Titanic. So it was called the RMS Titanic. Do you know what RMS stands for? Royal mail?

No. Royal mail steamer, okay? Because it was a postal ship as well. There were 3,000 bags of post on board. But the postal workers, when they found out that the ship was flooding, they tried moving 200 sacks of registered mail to the upper decks of the ship. Oh, really? They forced several stewards to help them saying, look, this is the registered stuff.

This is important. They were told not to bother, but they kept going. I always get confused about when a disaster is happening. if there's staff members working a place, they're like dedicated to their job to the point of like, we've got to play the music till the ship goes down,

we've got to bring the mail up. Guys, if there's a fire here tonight, I'm fucking off straight away, right? I am not being like, get the audience out! No. Do you guys know about Clive Palmer's giant Titanic replica, right?

Clive Palmer's Australian billionaire. He's an Australian billionaire. He's an eccentric. He wants to make Titanic 2, and he's been promising it for ages and it'll be a cruise ship by his company the Blue Star Line and it will take the same route as Titanic.

I don't know why he thinks people would go on this, but it's completely recreated inside and he's been promising it for a long time and sort of the project keeps having various issues. Anyway, it's been moved to Europe. The project was going to be based in Britain because of Brexit I'm afraid it's now based in France

and the, yeah, well, if you want Titanic 2, don't leave the EU. If only that was on the side of a bus Unfortunately it was painted on the side of an enormous ship Which then sank But the project director in Europe Is the director of this whole Titanic project Is his nephew who's called Clive Mensink

Wow really Yeah It's doomed Some other stuff on other weird things that have happened in museum Oh yeah really yeah This was in Denmark I was reading about an artist called Jens Harning, and what they did was they commissioned him to do this work.

They were going to give him $534,000. And what he was going to do, he was going to put it in a huge sort of art installation, and it would be a picture of something. They didn't know what it was going to be. And that was the average amounts of money that a Danish person earns in a year. Anyway, so he went away,

and then he came back with a complete empty canvas, and it was an artwork that he, called Take the Money and Run. Very good. Did they take that in the good human spirit, which he hoped they would? The guy who runs the museum said he stirred up my curatorial

staff and he also stirred me up a bit. But I also had a laugh because it was really humoristic. But then he did say that he needs to pay the money back. I really like incidents of museums. You're just making flubs and blunders and accidentally ruining exhibits.

and things like us. So the National History Museum, they released a list of their incidents in 2009. One of them, shortly before that, was there were these things called conodonts, which are their extinct eel-like creatures, okay? They had 22 of them, and they were accidentally knocked over and then hoovered up. Did they retrieve them from the back? No, I don't think so. Why? Well, I think they were ruined in the process of being hoovered up.

They're just a bit fluffy. Exactly. Just light that off. There was an art gallery that had an exhibition. I can't, from memory, I can't know what it was, but it was an exhibition that showed lots of remnants from a party, kind of cigarette butts and empty beer bottles and stuff strewn around.

And the cleaner cleaned it all up in the morning. That happens a bunch, yeah. Like Damien Hearst had one where the garbage was carried. There was one where there was a garbage bag, and they took it away, and they apologized. And he was like, that's fine. He just gave another garbage bag. I'm sure I must have said it on here before

but the time I went to an art gallery in Barcelona and there was someone collapsed in the corner and I ran to the front and said oh does someone collapse in the corner of that room and they went no so that is part of the exhibit and it was just a doll and I said oh that must happen all the time and he went nope

it happens so much but it just happened with specific works of art like either someone collapsed or just something that is designed to look like rubbish So there was a, in 2011 there was an artwork which featured a bathtub with a sort of thick, scummy line around the inside. And that was scrubbed by an overzealous member of cleaning staff. Did she not wonder why there was a bath in the middle of the gallery? Exactly. I think that's a fair cop, actually.

But there's an article Joseph B-E-E-Y-S-B-E-E-Y-S-E-S, who had an art of bees. What a fun. Oh, I mean, never stop saying that name. It's all about the boys. He had an artwork which was. was a grease stain, and that was unsurprisingly scrubbed. And it wasn't the first time it had happened to him. He also had a baby bathtub in 1973 on display, which was wrapped in gauze and bandages.

So baby bathtub wrapped up. Anyway, two cleaners just took it to wash the dishes in, because they thought this cannot possibly be a work of art. Oh, really? Yeah. I feel like all the stories involve cleaners fucking stuff up. A lot of blame on the cleaners. A lot of blame on the cleaners.

Yeah, we need to have a conversation with the cleaners of museum saying, you see all the random fucking shit here. It's meant to be here. It's easier if you're at the National Portrait Gallery, isn't it? It's much, much easier to tell what's art and what isn't at the National Portrait Gallery. That's true. Because it's a portrait. Exactly.

You're not going to see a picture of someone's face and go, I'm just going to rub that off. Exactly. Just going to get rid of Rembrandt's mole. Hang on. Macron, the president of France. He did a report in 2018, and he found that 90 to 95% of sub-Saharan Africa's cultural heritage was held in museums outside of Africa. Okay, so pretty much all of it's been taken out of Africa.

And so there's a guy called Mazzulu Dia Banzer, who is an artist, and he's decided he's just going to go to museums and steal it back. Cool. And so he basically goes around all these museums in France, and he'll just kind of walk in and see, oh, there's an ivory spear there that was from, you know, Congo, and he'll just go in and walk out and walk straight out with it. occasionally he did once steal a sculpture that was actually from Indonesia it was a bit of a mistake but obviously he's been arrested from time to time

but this lawyer said I don't know of any thief who turns up to a museum and says film me and then having been filmed stealing the article puts it back so he does put it back afterwards oh I thought he was like a reverse Indiana Jones you know that doesn't belong in a museum that's a line from the third film doesn't matter And then what is he chasing after a massive ball? He... Yeah, that's right. He actually, he puts his hat into a room

just as there's a wall about to crush him. Yeah, it's very exciting. Just on injuries in museums, which just was about, there's a man who's suing Melbourne Science Works, Science Museum in Melbourne, for an exhibit they have where they have a virtual sprinter,

Kathy Freeman, an Olympic medal-winning sprinter, and they encourage you to race against her on a 10-meter track. And what they have done is they put the 10-meter track immediately in front of a wall, a quite solid wall. And he's sewing them because he's broken two vertebra, another bone and a rib, and lost the feeling in his arms and hand

because he ran headlong into a wall. Oh, my God. There's a French museum that was going to hold an exhibition about Genghis Khan and the Mongol Empire, but they were told by the Chinese government that they could only have the stuff if they didn't mention the words Empire Mongol, Genghis, or Khan.

All right, we need to move on to our next fact of the show, and that is fact number three, and that is Andy. My fact is that there are nine hammocks on the moon. Who's using them? Also, like, no trees. Yes. Yes. What a good point.

There are nine tragically unopened hammocks on the moon. moon. This is from a book called An Answer for Everything. One of the pages is about everything there is on the moon. One of the things is loads and loads of hammocks. Because Apollo 11, the first man landing on the moon, they slept really badly. They slept appallingly. And they just got a terrible night's sleep when they were there. So yeah, they were in the lander and they didn't really think of that and it's so crowded. So Buzz Aldrin, I think, was basically laying on the floor. as if he was just, you know, like you would if you were drunk and you got home and couldn't find the bed.

Yeah, yeah. That was him. And they thought we need to sort that. Yeah, absolutely. So they, when Apollo 12 to 17 flew with more man missions to the moon, they had these specially designed lunar hammocks that would go in the lander. And when you come back, you can't bring all your stuff with you. So they just left the hammocks behind.

And so, yeah, and it's amazing to think about it because they would land on the moon and then they would set their hammocks up in a sort of X shape. so one lower and one above. And that's, they would just lay in it and just... And this is not on the moon, we should say. This is inside the lander, right? Inside the lander on the moon, though. Like, that is how they slipped.

Like, they were on some sort of desert island. But the problem was, and the problem for a lot of these missions, was the adrenaline is so great. You're on the fucking moon. You're not going to sleep, right? And when Armstrong and Aldrin landed, they were scheduled to have a nap. Yeah.

And the mission control said, right, you're on the moon. Off to bed, you go. And they said, absolutely not. We're not going on there. We would like to go on to the moon now, please. You know how, like, at nighttime the moon comes out? If you're on the moon, does it always kind of feel like nighttime? Good question.

Do you think you'd just be really sleepy the whole time? I think I would. Yeah, I think just naturally. Apollo 14, unfortunately, where they landed with Apollo 14 was on a seven-degree slant. So the lander was just slightly tipping, which freaked the shit out of the astronauts inside. So they couldn't get to sleep because any time they heard a noise, they thought we're about to tip over. and you can read there were actual transcripts of what they were chatting about

so one transcript goes and this is while they were trying to sleep I think they go Ed, did you hear that? He goes, hell yes, I heard that what the hell was that I don't know Ed? What?

Why the hell are we whispering? But they couldn't go to sleep they were so worried about so that didn't happen and then slowly Apollo 15 and 16 it got better and better. I think mainly they had to make it better for Apollo 15 because that was the first time they'd stayed on the moon

any length of time that required sleep. They were there for three nights, and they had to do proper stuff on the moon, like collect loads of samples. And drive. You can't drive when you're sleep deprived. It was the first time they had like a car on the moon. And so they got proper hammocks, and I think they solved it by basically letting them

take their spacesuits off, right? It was the first time that they'd allowed them to go back into the lunar lander and actually stripped down. so that you can, you know, adopt a comfortable position. And I suppose the reason that the hammocks are on the moon is because you need to get rid of all your stuff when you're going to take off again

because it needs to be as light as possible, right? So I was speaking to this morning to someone called Beth O'Leary, who pretty much invented something called space archaeology. She's a scientist. And she said that basically when Apollo 11 came down at least, for about eight minutes, Buzz Aldrin and Neil Armstrong stood on the corner of their lunar module

and just threw anything out that they didn't need. They just threw it all out. We don't need this. We don't need that. We don't need the other. That's a steering wheel buzz. I'll get it. I'm sorry.

I'm going to go to him as Ellis. In archaeology, apparently that is called a toss zone. It's because they fill the thing with rocks, right? Yes. It's so weird going, dumping all the useful stuff and just filling it up with rocks for the way back. They did leave some things, which now NASA would like to look at, but NASA would only like to look at them because they left them there,

if you see what I mean. So bags of poo, basically. Bags of poo, urine and vomit. There are 96 bags of all of this stuff on the surface of the moon still today. And Nasser is fascinated to know what's happened biologically with them and what has lasted and what hasn't and what they could tell from it. And so if they go back to the moon, if there's another crude mission to the moon coming up soon,

it is possible that one of their jobs will be finding bags of poo, just doing a pooper scoop on the moon. The truth is that it's not just that. it's everything that they left there. They want it to be like kept as it is, right? Because let's say Elon Musk goes up there for a party or something. What they don't want is him kind of knocking over all the flags and all the poo and all the hammocks and stuff. They want it all to be as it is. And so this year, actually the 31st of December last year, the US enacted the one small step to protect human heritage in space act, which made it illegal

to touch anything on the moon that the humans have left there. And it was really, really, controversial because by law, no one owns the moon. No one loans any of the land on there, but America owns the objects that are on the land. And so it was really dodgy. The Soviets, sorry, the Russians really didn't want... I think you've made your allegiance very clear there, James. But they didn't really want the Americans to have this kind of law saying, no one can touch this area because they're like, well, it doesn't belong to you. Who are you to say who touched it? And who doesn't touch it? And it didn't. And it's, even more than that, if you look at the footprints of Neil Armstrong, for instance,

theoretically America owns the footprint, but they don't own any of the dust which creates the footprint. They own the space directly above that dust. Yeah, they own the concept of the footprint, but not what makes it. Yeah. Wow. The cleaners are going to have an absolute nightmare when they turn up to the moon. Which bit of this is the party and which bit is to be preserved? It's amazing that, I hadn't thought of that, that in theory, Neil Armstrong's one small step for man, that one small step is still there, right? Possibly, yeah.

Possibly because it was right at the bottom of ladder, so Buzz might have landed and just smudged it out immediately, pissed off. Very likely what Buzz was here, right next to it. But like the last thing that was left by an astronaut on the moon wasn't a physical object, but it was the last astronaut who was there who wrote, like you would in the sand at a beach, wrote the letters TDC,

and that was the initials of his daughter and that was Eugene Sernan, the last person's stand on the moon. And in theory, unless that bit of the moon is hit by, you know, space rocks and so on, that's going to be there for at least, you know, 50,000 years. Well, because there's not the same kind of atmosphere on the moon to mess it up.

So in theory, Neil's footprint, if Buzz managed to sort of like do a wide berth with his landing, is still there, which is amazing. There is 100 metric tons of, human material on the moon man-made, which if you can imagine there being a massive mirror in front of a theatre somewhere in the

Midlands of England, it would be approximately 10 times the weight of that thing. That's going to mean a lot to all the listeners at home. It's also going to be confusing when James boosts that laugh in the edit. Here's one thing you can get if you go to the moon.

The secret to David Copperfield's magic trick. No! Yes. They are on the moon now. There was this private mission. There was a crash on the moon in 2019, which I can't believe we didn't. More wasn't made of it. It was a private spacecraft called Beresheet, and it had a disc on it.

It had a sort of human library, which had Wikipedia, had thousands of books, and one of the other things on it was the technical illustrations and diagrams for David Copperfield's magic tricks. It's not certain that it survived, but it was in a really well-print. It wasn't just a DVD. It was a 25-layer sandwich of metal and resin. really well protected, and so it is possible it is surviving there. And Copperfield said he was so inspired by the

idea of the mission that he wanted to give away secrets and put them. Right. I mean, when aliens get there and find that, they're not going to have the saw or the box to put the woman in. Or even the woman. It's a part in the fucks. Another thing on the moon, a bunch of flags, as we know, very controversial at the time

whether to erect an American flag on the moon. So when Apollo 11 first went there, there was this big debate in the US, because it was that post-colonial era when everyone was saying that was really bad where we stamped our flags in countries that weren't ours and claimed that they were. Let's not do that

again. And so they said okay, we probably shouldn't put an American flag there because it's like we're claiming it. And then there was a suggestion which they seriously considered and almost did to instead bring up a miniature flag for every country on earth for them to put into the soil a model village. A little Yeah. It's so sad they didn't have 160 tiny

flags. I think it was a relief because It sounded like a real arseek hammering the one flag in. Right, really? What do you do when, like, for instance, South Sudan? The South Sudan problem. You've got to go back. You just have to go. Every time there's a new country, you have to go back.

Please don't divide into two countries. It's going to be so expensive for NASA. There already is. Not a model village, but a model something on the moon. There's a model. It's a miniature art gallery, which is very exciting. Oh, yeah. It's called the Moon Museum.

and an artist called Forrest Myers commissioned artworks from six different artists to draw tiny, tiny drawings and the engineer at NASA he gave it to says that he stuck it onto the leg of the lunar module so it's there, there's no confirmation it's there but it's got Andy Warhol's signature So why do you think he might be lying or...

No one has properly confirmed yes we saw that and it's obviously the lunar module is still there so we don't know if there's a tiny... Wasn't Andy Warhol's signature just the cock and balls? Well it looks like it did. It's a lot like a cock and balls, yes. But there's also a sketch of Mickey Mouse on that tile.

Doesn't Mickey Mouse look like a cock and balls? Flip Andy Warhol's signature upside down and you've got Mickey. I think that says more about you, James, than it does. It says a lot about my childhood, doesn't it? Yeah, so there's no final confirmation that there is a tiny art gallery on the moon.

But wouldn't they be nice? Actually, speaking of Cox and Bowls in space, there was a lot of worry when astronauts first went up whether, well, not a worry, but they were interested whether you could have sex up there or not because people thought that, you know, if you have an erection, the gravity might be needed to get the blood down there.

But luckily, there was a guy called Michael Mullane who was interviewed by Men's Health magazine in 2014, and he said that sometimes he had a boner that I could have drilled through kryptonite. So that's put that to bed. What an image. There's some kryptonite. None of our drills are working.

Can we get that? guy with his rock hard boner and drill him. My God. Imagine that guy's day every day. How was work, honey? Yeah, managed to break through the unbreakable rocks with my dick. It is time for our final fact of the show. And that is James.

Okay, my fact this week is that deer penises are often sold with the pelvis attached. So the buyer knows they're not being ripped off with a seals penis. If I had a quid for every seal penis I've sent back to the shop outraged. Well, the problem was you broke the seal, didn't you? I don't think it was me who broke the seal if I'm receiving his penis through the post.

So this was an article on the online magazine stuff.nz and it was about New Zealand's Pizzle Market. New Zealand sells dear penises, mostly to China and to Hong Kong because they're used in traditional Chinese medicine as a sexual vigour enhancer. And this was basically just telling us

how well they're doing. In the last year or so, they've sold $5.2 million worth of Pizzle. That's 1,700 tonnes of deer Pizzles. So if you can imagine a large sort of metal mirror that might be outside the theatre in the Midlands, is about 170 of those. That's how much it was.

Dolly. I think that since 1994. Like it's the to- Yeah, that's right. But it's a lot. It's a lot of Pizzle. I didn't know anything about Pizzle. I didn't know that was a word.

Yeah, well, I knew, I only knew it because I studied English and there's a line in Shakespeare where someone says, you bulls Pizzle. That's a great insult. I only knew it because of Snoop Dog going shizzle Dizzle, then is or Pizzle. I think if Snoop Dog

asks you to snizzle his Pizzle, then you might want to get out of that party. I regret that evening. A lot closer then, yeah. But Cattle, cattle pizzle is sort of as a dog treat. I didn't know this. I think that's the only reason I knew what,

but we've all got different origin stories for pizzle. Yeah, you get bull's pizel for dogs. Right. They love it. Well, clearly they do, but it's very distressing. I agree with Andy. I've seen those, but does it say on the packet, genuine penis?

No, I don't think it says. That's what I mean. I think in the ingredients somewhere, it makes clear that it is the pizzle of a bull. I don't know if it has some genuine penis stamped across the front, like a warning sign. I think that should be said

on things I'm buying. We'll all club together, Dan. We'll get you a t-shirt that says it. How about that? Do you know? Took a while for you to get that. But the prep is really, it's upsetting, isn't it?

If you're the deer. If you're the deer or the well of it. So you take it, you clean it, you wash it, you hang it, you stretch it, then you cook it for several days. This is the worst Daff punk song I've ever. stretch it, hang it, clean it, cut it.

It's really upsetting. It is, and actually, like, the farmers tend to not get paid for it. If you're a deer farmer, you don't get extra money for your pizzle. The money goes to the people who kind of cut it up, the butchers and stuff like that, and then they get it as an extra bit of money. and there was a guy who was in charge of deer industry New Zealand and he said that it can't be justified that you can pay them extra for it

until farmers have a way of producing animals with attributes like larger tails or pizzles so until you can find the way of making a deer with an absolutely enormous penis you're not going to get paid extra for it because the butcher's have to do a lot of work basically yeah because there is a big difference in value with size isn't that?

So they're sold in different sizes. You've got the under 10 inch. Lame. 10 to 12 inch. 10 to 12 inch is okay. 12 to 14. And then over 14 inches is where it's really at if you want to have all your virility problems solved

according to Chinese medicine. And somewhere up to 20 inches long, which I think you're pretty much immortal once you've eaten that. Some are 36. That's even longer than 20. Well, that's after they've been stretched. Yeah, yeah.

After the stretching. That's after stretching. The stretching process is over. Yeah. Okay. We should say the reason, or maybe you did say that the deer is so, well,

the reason it's upsetting when you get a seal instead of a deer is because the deer is so valuable, right? A seal penis is nothing compared to a deer. And in fact, there are often others being substituted for deer penises. Like I think there's a big problem with sheep's penis and testicles, Pizzle. So Pizzle is sort of the two together.

Sheep's Pizzle being sold, pretend, counterfeiting, pretending to be deer Pizzle. And it's because, sheep have much bigger testicles, and so they get a lot more bang for their buck. You can bulk it out. It's not a buck, guys. Oh, very nice.

I can't, in my head right now, I can't picture a seal's penis. No, no, you're right. So, like, I can picture a bull and a sheep, but a seal, if we're talking, do they have testicles as well? I think they are inside. They're inside. I think so, yeah. Ah, weird thing that just happened.

I just pictured Seale's penis and that's the singer and... He's good. You're in public, Dan. Like, you're doing a show. You don't need to say everything that comes into your head. I thought, oh, seal, he must have one. And...

I believe... I think they have like a genital slit which then opens up and the penis comes out. Seal... The singer, yeah, yeah, yeah. Have you guys heard of Fuchsia Dunlop? She is an English writer and cook and she was the first westerner to train as a chef at the Sichuan Institute in Chengdu

and she has written one of the greatest articles I have ever read online about cooking pizzles she used some traditional Chinese recipes to do this she made it into kind of a stew she said the raw testicle penises in particular were a shocking sight because they were too big to fit in the fridge so she kept them outside on the side the silent presence huge furry

and outrageous cast a strange atmosphere over the apartment that night and she goes on and goes on about how she kind of cooked these things and she said that at one stage she says the next step was the bleaching at which the pizzles abruptly stiffened one of them lunged out of the saucepan

when we weren't looking lunged I could go on it on, but it is the greatest article. I'll put it up my semester. It's unbelievably good. She's amazing if you should have done it, but I've got her cookbook. She's the woman who brought Chinese cooking to the West, really. Oh, really?

Yeah, yeah. She's still alive. Fab recipes, yeah. Nice. Have you, you guys may have found this in the course of your research, but another use for Pizzle, if you're not feeding it to a dog or whatever it may be or using it in traditional Chinese medicine, is that it makes a good walking stick. For a very small person.

What, for Yoda? For a three-foot, a three-foot walking stick? You know, that's a reasonable height. But that's after it's been stretched. It's after it's been stretched, yeah, that's correct. We're all, okay, we're all on the same page now. That's a decent size, I promise. And basically, you can get these on...

I can't wonder if I'm having to defend a 36-inch walking... Anyway, look, you can get them on eBay. There are some on eBay, which are antique, and there is also a website, fashionable canes.com, which has a lengthy section of pros about... The legendary bull penis cane is the most unique of all walking canes. And it's sort of, there's a rod down the middle and then it's stretched over this. But it's genuine pizzle being used.

And it goes on and on and on about, you know, using one of these canes. We'll shock anyone when he'd tell them what it is. And it's sure to create an interesting conversation. It lists lots of people who've used canes in the past. Johnny Depp, Madonna, Brad Pitt. None of them had penis canes, though. And this website is amazing. It goes on and it says,

even if a cow penis cane is not your style, it can make the perfect gift for that hard-to-buy person on your list. It makes the perfect over-the-hill or retirement gift. If I retire and you guys give me a stretched bull's penis walking stick, I won't take it well. Come on, you'll be absolutely deliccise. You love it. Yeah.

Not very useful on a cold day when you go home for a lot, This was a traditional sort of is a traditional cure for impotence, I suppose, right? That's largely what you'll grind up some Bulls Pizzle or some deer Pizzle, you'll drink it, you'll go on for years. And I was just looking at some other... The Crypto Night won't know what hit it. The planet of Krypton was split into.

So if the Pizzle didn't work, Quite an important part of the Protestant Reformation, according to my reading, which was biased towards the word Pizzle, fine, was this other ritual that you would do to solve impotent. So this is around 15th century, 16th century. It was to urinate through your wife's wedding ring. From what distance? And is she wearing it at the time?

But this was cited as one of the reasons that Calvin wanted to do away, with the exchange of wedding rings because he was, you know, Calvin, great Protestant leader, he was worried that this superstition was kind of taking over the wedding ring superstition. Men were just sort of pissing through women's wedding rings all the time. And it said if that didn't work

and you still couldn't get it up, then you had to go and urinate through the keyhole of the church that you got married in. No. Wow. That's what that TV show through the keyhole used to be about, didn't it? Who piss in a house like this? What's that done?

do you think? I believe it was done. Well, the wedding ring thing was done enough for Calvin to want to ban it, so I reckon the Keogh thing was done enough for priests to be pretty pissed off, and those cleaners to be very confused. Absolutely, yeah. Yeah. Another thing for the cleaners in the churches, is this meant to be here this urine? Viagra.

Does anyone eat any? Because I have a bunch on me. No, Viagra was invented and patented by Pfizer. Pfizer who have just stepped up to help try and save the world with the vaccine I've been injected with Pfizer myself You sound so surprised it's not like they were a little like blackberry selling startup They were just one of the world's biggest medication manufacturers for the last four years It was never that you think you were going to get a COVID vaccine

And you accidentally get a Viagranton Imagine that we're all walking out with her arm in the air Like some Nazi rally Sorry there's been a mix up with our famous vaccine. There's a thing called low-intensity shockwave therapy, which this is a proven thing

that helps you if you have impotence problems. The physician will wave a wand over your penis, and the wand makes these tiny shockwaves little kind of, what it sounds like is little clicks, like, and what that will do, apparently,

get it up. What's that flip up? Yeah, exactly. Apparently it sounds a bit like a Newton's cradle. You know, there's like that tie. And it stimulates the blood vessels, and it helps you to be unimpotent. Free willy.

Free willy. Thank you. Okay. That is it. That is all of our facts. Thank you so much for listening. If you would like to get in contact with any of us about the things that we have said over the course of this podcast,

we can all be found on our Twitter accounts. I'm on at Schreiberland. Andy at Andrew Hunter M. James. At James Harkin. And Anna. You can email podcast at QI.com. Yep. Or you can go to our group account, which is at no such thing, or you can go to our website. No Such Thing is a Fish.com.

All of our previous episodes are up there, as well as the link to all the upcoming tour dates as part of our nerd immunity, 2021 tour. Thank you so much, Nottingham. We had an amazing time.