No Such Thing As A Fish - No Such Thing As A Royal Seal

Episode Date: June 3, 2022

Happy Platinum Jubilee Bank Holiday! Here's a little extra something from Dan, James, Anna and Andrew get you through the four-day weekend. Visit nosuchthingasafish.com for news about live shows, merchandise and more episodes.

Hello, and welcome to the No Such Things as Fish Queens Jubilee Garden Party. Wooo! Dan Shriver is over there getting together all of his dubious memorabilia about the Role Family that he bought off eBay. Alex Bell is over there, alphabetising all of his VHS's of the Queen's Speech from over the years, filing them all under Q. Uh, there's Anna at the Pim's Tent, drinking it dry, and there's Andy making a portrait of one of the Queen's Sons out of moss.

Oh, not that one, Andy. Oh, no. Anyway, we are here today because we have an extra day off work, and we thought what better than to give you a sneaky bonus episode of Fish. So here is another mini compilation of 30 Minutes of Silliness. Really hope you enjoy it. We'll be back again next week with a normal episode, but in the meantime, on with the podcast.

All right, it is time for our final fact, and that is Andy's fact. Andy's fact this week is that. What was that? Are you objecting to how I presented that? No, no, you're doing a great job. Keep it up. Yeah, thank you. Mixing it up a bit.

You know, you try something new. It doesn't work. You move on. Please. Andy. This is Andy's little nugget of joy coming up next. You really threw Andy there. Like, I think I could see Andy was just completely thrown.

He looked at what he's written on his hand and went, I don't know what to do now. She's gone off script. No. Mum, let me out. This is something that's not very well-sourced, so forgive me, but I know, very slightly know someone whose dad used to be in the Navy and the claim from him is that, stick with it. He says that the last case of scurvy that happened in the Royal Navy, the British Royal Navy, was in the 1970s.

Really? Really? Nice. Didn't James Blunt claim that he had scurvy? I read that. Yes, he did. He said that he was James Blunt. Sorry.

You know, this is according to him, so whether this is true or not. So he said he was at university and all the people in his class were all vegans and vegetarians. And he was really, he didn't like this, and he thought, right, I'm going to stick it to them and somehow stick it to them by only eating meat. And so he decided that all he was going to eat was mince and bacon and stuff like that. And he went on just a meat-only diet. And he said that after a while he went to his doctor and his doctor said, yeah, you've got scurvy.

Wow. I'm slightly suspicious of that, partly because there is vitamin C in meat, as long as it's fresh meat. There's vitamin C in that. I know. He was only eating very old meat. That's the thing. He's very cute.

And he will only eat very discounted elderly meat. He said that he lived on mince, some chicken, and maybe some mayonnaise. God. And then he said that his doctor said that he might have scurvy, and so he took to drinking orange juice every night. And then he got acid reflux. So you know, it was a bad time for old blunt. They just stick it to the vegetarian, so they must have really regretted their life choices.

The helicopter method. They used that in the early days of the pandemic, didn't they, where they were getting people to go off parks. And so, yeah, yeah, they would bring helicopters in and just tilt them in the wind, just trying to push people off them. Really? Yeah. Have you not seen the fighters of that?

That just seems quite dangerous to fly at. Helicopters so low as well. It does seem a bit dangerous. I guess with the angle they were just pushing a push down wind. You don't mean they were physically using the draft of the helicopter blades to push people out of parks. They were telling them to get off, and they were giving them a message with the wind. I don't think the wind was so great.

They were literally... One of the great joys of the pandemic was looking out of your window to see people flying past. Has anyone had a Vietnamese dish called Cao Lào? No, don't think so. Has anyone been to Vietnam? No, no. Well, then you definitely haven't had it. Is it only allowed to be sold there?

It's not that. You can only make it in a very specific town called Hai An, right? Why do you think you can only make this in that particular town? It's a noodle dish. There's only... Okay. The noodles come from a special kind of wheat, which is grown only in Hai An. It's a secret ingredient from a lady called Anne.

Much better. Much better. No, no. What it is, you're not going to guess, are you? Is it you have to greet the person who makes it with your Hai? There's only one person who makes it. They've trademarked it, and they say Hai and then give you this noodle dish, so you have to meet them.

I really like the way you thought that maybe it's because it's called Hai An. Probably I pronounced that wrong, so... But anyway, so the reason you can only make it here is because you need to use a very specific water for the noodles, and it has to come out of a very particular well in the town. And if you don't take the water out of this well, they're not authentic noodles, so it's like herbs with noodles on top and then crispy pork on top of that, but the noodles have to be made with this very specific water, and they have to be mixed with the ash from

the wood of a very specific local tree, so you're kind of close with your wheat thing and the... Yeah. ...called kajaput. And apparently, if you do that, it gives... The water's got aluminium and a few other minerals, and it gives the noodles a real chewy texture and a burnt flavour that you can't get anywhere else in the world. That's so cool.

It is cool. James, have you... I've never been to Vietnam. Have you? I was going to say, have you travelled specifically to Vietnam? If I ever go to Vietnam, I'm going here, there's no doubt about that, but no, I haven't. Say hi to Anne when you're there. You know we were talking about setting fire to things earlier.

The ashes. Okay, so that's Australia versus England, and the story goes that in 1882, Australia beat England, and one of the newspapers called it the death of English cricket, and that the body will be cremated and the ashes taken to Australia. And so they supposedly burnt the bales of the cricket wickets, and they put it in a little urn, and that became the prize, and that's the prize we use today, which is very amusing and whatever, but probably not for the relatives of a man who was at the match in 1882 and died in the middle of the match.

Ouch. Ouch. No. That's the kind of fake thing about all the death of cricket, and burned all the ashes and put them in an urn and stuff, and there was a guy who actually died in the match. Wow, but they didn't incorporate him. No, no. Okay.

But that was, when did you say that? That was 1882. 1882, yeah. Because do you remember we talked about cremation a few weeks ago, and it was kind of a new science at the time, and it was actually quite controversial, and it was just starting out as an early crematoria where there was only about one in the UK at the time, that was not very popular. So probably the reason was it was quite zeitgeisty at the time, right, and that's why they thought

we'll burn the ashes, and that's why we have the ashes, because cremation was zeitgeisty at the time. Wow. We could have buried them in a graveyard. Yeah. But they're in a museum here, aren't they? Yeah, they stay in lords all the time. They stay in lords, and the museum has, it's got the ashes, and it's also got a dead bird

just sitting there. Does it? Yeah, it was a bird that was killed during a match, a famous match, and yeah. It was killed. Killed. I think a flying ball hit her or a batsman accidentally. Yeah, something occurred. The bird died.

It was now in the museum. It was a robin, and the batsman, because they didn't have the sight screens at the time, the robin got confused and smashed it from the sky. Of course, duck is also a thing in cricket that you could have used in that joke as well. Yeah, yeah. But not a birdie, because that's the wrong sport. That's a golfing thing, isn't it, like an eagle as well. All these paths that might have been for that one, not very good joke, just makes you think,

doesn't it? Paul Morgan in 2018 had the longest birthday ever enjoyed by anyone on the planet. He had a 48-hour birthday. Did he do it with an international date line? He certainly did. Because he lives in Hawaii. He lives in Hawaii. He flew from Samoa to Auckland to Los Angeles and then back to Hawaii, and he had to cross

the international date line in one very narrow window. So there was a one-hour period where the two time signs he was crossing were in the same day, if you see what I mean. Oh, yeah. And he had to cross in that one-hour window, and he made it by one minute and five seconds. That's so impressive. If the flight, the plane he was on, which he had no control over, obviously, was a passenger flight, had been two minutes earlier, it would all have been for nothing.

I mean, arguably it was all for nothing, because he had a really long birthday, but it was all spent on an airplane. Exactly. He spent his entire 48 hours on a cramped airline. Yeah, and it's like you live in Hawaii, dude, just stay in Hawaii and have an amazing time. Yeah. Have you guys heard of St Kevin and the Nettles? Sounds like a band.

It does. It'd be a great band. It really does. I can't figure out who sounds more lame, Kevin or Nettles. St Kevin, was he either feeling he was either an Irish or a Welsh saint, and probably wrong about this, but I think he once floated to Ireland on the leaf, but am I wrong about that? Well, he was Irish.

I actually don't know about his leaf-based record. It sounds entirely plausible. In St World. Yeah, that sounds like small potatoes. Yeah. So, there are two stories about him in Nettles. One is that he only lived on Nettles for a while during Lent and started losing a lot of weight, and then someone started sneaking in food.

The other story is that when he was young, he was in the wilderness and he was praying, and a young lady was passing by, a beautiful young lady, and fell madly in love with him because he was a very, very hot young, I didn't even know if he was a saint at this point. He was just a hot young priest having a pray, and she saw it. She could say in future, I fancied him before he was a saint, you know, back when he was just a humble, hot young priest. And he thought a lot of her, too. And so, to cure his lust, he rolled in a bed of Nettles until his lust was cooled.

And he also suggested she do the same thing, and she did. And later on, she became a nun. And no one had any fun at all. And that's the story. And that's how you're raising your children, isn't it, Andy? If someone turns up at your house to live your grammy, would they be a grammy-gram? Very good. Yeah, no, you're nice.

Yeah, yeah, you get it? It's good, yeah. Yes, yeah. No, it's a joke. If you're listening to this, it might feel like someone edited in a pause. That actually was how long it took everyone to recover from that joke. Sometimes people just try to hold it together in these recording sessions, and it's just, you know...

Anyway, just one quick thing on jet engines. Oh, yeah. I was reading about the procedures by which they test jet engines these days, because I know, I think we've mentioned before, the chicken cannon, where they fire a bird. Yeah, that's right. It used to fire frozen chickens. Yeah, exactly, yeah. And there are all these procedures.

So there's, general electric, have these machines which have to create any weather for the engine. So you see what I mean? They're testing the jet engine in a big harness, and they've got... If they say any weather, they probably don't do, like, just a nice day. They do. Gentle breeze. Yeah. They just do the extreme weathers, right?

Imagine that. They only test the engine in extreme conditions. They don't realise that's the one thing it can't cope with is clement weather. It's like 12 degrees, a little bit of a breeze, but a nice sunny day, so that when you're in the sun, it actually feels quite warm, but when you're in... No. Disaster. Yeah.

So what do they do? Which is called the blade off procedure. I don't know if we've mentioned this, actually, where they explode one of the blades at the base to see what happens, but, I mean, to see that the engine can stay functioning even if it loses a blade, it's kind of reassuring because they test these things so rigorously, you know? What's the answer? Can it just in case that happens?

Sometimes it passes. Sometimes it fails, and they normally wave it through in either case. Some of the most famous stained glass in England, anyway, is at Canterbury Cathedral, and there's some which is so old that, you know, so Thomas Beckett, Archbishop was killed in... 1170. Yeah. So there are some windows which are older than that, meaning that they would have been

in place at the time, but there are also, there are windows that were created slightly later, which are referring to all the miracles that were done by Thomas Beckett after he died. Oh, wow. Didn't we talk about him before? Yeah, yeah, yeah. He was turned into some kind of homeopathic medicine. Basically, yeah, you would, yeah, exactly.

They used some of his blood and they diluted it so much, but they kept selling the water. And so, but there are incredible scenes in the stained glass window of people coming and being healed. So one of them is Islewood of Westoning who prayed to St. Thomas after he was blinded and castrated for petty theft. He'd committed some petty theft and he was blinded and castrated as a result, which feels... It feels harsh.

He went to Canterbury, prayed to Thomas and his genitals were restored big time. Big time. Big time. The window, and there's the stained glass window, which shows... No, it can't. No, no, no, it doesn't change. It doesn't change. It shows him after the prayer and after the miracle and behind him is a tree which has

these three huge leaves which symbolize his restored genitals. He got three of them. He got three. He got three penises at it. Penises. Yeah. Well, there's one, so there's one leaf of, I don't want to be crude. There's two of them.

It's representing a... Basically, it's a cock and balls in a tree form to symbolize his renewed nads. There's a cock and balls in Canterbury Cathedral stained glass that you've got to do tours of Canterbury Cathedral to tell the school children that. You know, the Seminole people have their own big foot. Oh, yeah. The Seminole people have the skunk ape of Florida. Oh.

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I have a mug at home, which is the skunk ape of Florida, which James gave to me off the back of a holiday. Oh. Was that the holiday? Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. And I thought you the mug, yeah. And we based... This is inside baseball again, but we based the design of our No Such Thing as a Fish Mug on that mug. Did we? Yeah. Same colors, same sort of style, yeah.

We already had the colors. No, because it's a blue mug. The No Such Thing as a Fish Mug? Yeah. It's not blue. It's black. Oh, did we go black in the end? Yeah.

With yellow on the inside? We were with yellow and black, which are the colors we've used for the podcast for the last eight years. Controversial. I don't know. I don't know. You'll spin off mug industry. Well, it was based on that, which was blue and yellow.

That's fun. Yeah. It's all falling together. That's so far inside baseball. You've come out the other end. Oh, mug. It's based on a mug. I love that.

Well, look, I did expect it to come up. There's an interesting thing that I quite like, which was in ancient Greece, you might have two ages, kind of. So you would have Kronos, which is the amount of time that went since you were born. And so that's like an objective. This is how old you are. I'm 43 years old or whatever. And they would also have Kairos, which was your own personal sense of time passing.

So if you felt much younger than you actually were, that would be your Kairos. So in my Kairos, I feel about 21, but in my Kronos, I'm 43. Oh, my God. You were never 21. Even in your Kronos team, you were never 20 when you came out, fully formed. The ancient Greeks are actually where we get a lot of our birthday celebrations, which I genuinely find quite surprising because it's the sort of thing you read and you think that's got to be a myth.

And then we can actually trace the birthday cake from then when they used to celebrate Artemis' birthday. You could work out the birthday of the birthday cake. The birthday of the birthday cake is, yeah, 17th of December, 5,000 BC. And birthday candles, they were your Greeks as well. They were, weren't they? Really? But, yeah, it was for Artemis.

For a long time, people only celebrated God's and King's birthdays in Queens. So you would have had a celebration in Oceania, I suppose, but the rest of us would have been lost. And they celebrated Artemis and, you know, had these moon-shaped cakes that are always described as, which surely is just... Cake. A cake. And then it was a different moon shape once you'd eaten some of the cake.

Yes. Yeah, maybe you wanted to eat it like you were waning it. Yeah. Oh, that's quite nice. Yeah, yeah. You'd need a huge mouth to make that crescent shape. Where's my cake, God? It's a new moon, sorry.

I want to give us cake! Just one thing on Gramophones. Oh, yeah. As we're on the Grammys. So, singer Nick Drake? Yeah. You know him? Yeah, of course.

So, you know Drake, the rapper? Yeah. His first name's Nick. So, the first three albums were folk and then he got rid of the first name. So, Nick Drake died in 1974. Yeah. Nonetheless, he's going on tour this year. Again, are you sure you haven't mistaken Nick Drake with actual Drake?

Nominated. He's nominated. Sorry, he's nominated. This is the way, his personal Gramophone is the thing that's going on tour. Okay. It's going on tour with his personal test recording of one of his albums called Pink Moon. Yeah. And it's going to be taken around and played in several different locations.

That's awesome. That's the tour. Well, the kind of people who like him are the kind of people who would love that shit, right? Whereas normal people, probably not that interested. That's fair enough. Yeah. I'm definitely going to say that.

There's a double reason you'd like this time because this is not the first time this has happened. In 2007, John Lennon's piano went on tour around the USA. Did he? Yeah. The white piano? The Imagine piano? I'm not sure which piano it was actually.

This time. He probably owned a couple. He had a few Bob by the end, but yeah. Cool. Yeah. No, I think you're right, James. Like this turns out I just don't need the actual musicians to come on tour. I'm just happy just seeing like, what?

Are you telling me his, his, what? Trousers are going on tour? Yeah. MC Hammers Trousers. The Tar of the World. They just dance by themselves. Move them up and down on a rail. Right.

Seals have retractable nipples. No. Andy. Yes. Yeah. So the idea is that it's when they're in the, this is the female seals when they're in breastfeeding stage, what they will do is, and this is, they do this because sometimes they're restricted fully to the sea and I guess they, they don't want another way of,

you know, flooding and, and heading to the bottom of the water. Water going in through the nipples. That doesn't feel like it feels like that's not yet. That's a good point. Whenever I have a bath, my breasts get to 10 times their size. See, you have to squat it all out afterwards. It's a nightmare. But have you got swimming?

Water is a bit lower today. Oh, it's been ladies hour. I think he was quite inspired by a guy called walking Stuart, who was a man he met in France and he loved walking Stuart. And this is actually a guy who loads of the great philosophers and writers of the day really loved. And he was a bloke who basically walked from India and through Persia and Abyssinia and African countries.

And then he walked through America later. He loved walking. And he didn't record his travels because he thought that they should be travels of the mind. So he never wrote them. He sounds like an absolute wanker. Doesn't he? You can imagine him propping up some bar as he tries to chat you up.

So we'll actually, I'm a traveler of the mind, which is why I haven't found a publisher yet. I don't want a publisher, you know. He was, we've all met them on our gap years. He's definitely candidate for that. How do we know about him? Is it just through other people's accounts? He was written about a lot and he also did end up publishing a lot.

Of stuff, including what he called his stupendous essay. He thought it was a great work. Who's the Russell Brand of Thee? I think that's it. Waldemar Janusak, who's basically my favourite human alive, who's, he did a series. He's a presenter in the UK and he did a series called The Dark Ages, Age of Light. And it was fantastic. Fun fact.

On the previous 400 episodes, we've always cut out and are referring to her favourite human alive, Waldemar Janusak. She's never referred to him before now. What's going on? I'm trying to keep it quiet. I'm trying to keep it quiet. I can't. I'm obsessed with him.

Just as an aside, technically I learned this the other day, suckling. Babies don't suckle. Babies suck and the mother suckles. Yes, you're so right. A mother is the suckler. And you like to go around correcting breastfeeding women, don't you, James? Just in Starbucks. Excuse me, just in case you thought the baby was suckling, it's not.

You are. Yeah. And then I go, although to be fair, in modern parlance, you can have it either way. But I'm just saying technically, etymologically, that's what's happening. And you sell those t-shirts saying your baby sucks. Actually, that reminds me of something I submitted as a fact for this week, which was not chosen by the committee of you guys, which was that reptiles don't suck. They can't suck.

I didn't see that one. I saw it. James deleted it. They literally can't suck. If you left a lizard next to a smoothie, it would die. What? Yeah. They can't form the shape with their mouths to suck.

That's an exclusively mammalian thing. How interesting. And there was one reptile, I think, about 100 million years ago, which could. They found that it had evidence of the muscles and then it just lost it. That's the only one they've ever found. So how do they eat? Because you can eat a smoothie by just tipping it over. If you don't have opposable thumbs and there's a top on it and there's a straw,

it's hard to get at it. It's a sealed shop-fresh smoothie. Okay, right. Because it's in a little indentation on the ground. Yeah. That's a great fact. I've done this dozens of times so the lizard dies every single time. Do you know?

I don't think I've mentioned this before about mirrors. Sorry, this is a random tangent, but I remember finding it so amazing. If you're looking at yourself in a mirror and you want to see how your legs are looking and you can only see your top half, what do you do? What backwards? Everyone think you would do that? I'd move the mirror. I'd move the whole silver-backed mirror.

You see, now I've got a full-length mirror and I'm just thinking I need to get as far away from it as possible to get my full body in it. Yeah, it's welded to the wall so you can't move it. You can only move yourself. Hang on, no, but if you leaned in really close, oh, that's so clever. If you leaned in really close and kind of looked down, then you'd see your legs. If you leaned in really close and you looked down, you can see your legs. Exactly, moving back doesn't help at all.

Yeah, you stay exactly the same size in a mirror. It's just the mirror gets more distant in your view. If you look at your head in a mirror and then you measure it by putting your fingers in front of your eyes, you're looking at your reflection. There's a certain distance between your fingers and that accommodates your head. If you walk back and back and back endlessly, your head's, I think, always going to be the same size until the mirror disappears out of view. That's amazing.

The thing is, I guess, I can already see my legs without the use of a mirror. That's why it hasn't presented such a problem for humanity, as you might think. So, Anna, what's going on? Why do people, because I think we all do, think to ourselves, oh, yeah, just walk backwards. So why do we think that? I think it's basically to do with the fact that as you walk backwards, you think, I'll get smaller so the mirror will accommodate more of me. But the logical way of thinking about it is the mirror gets proportionally smaller as well.

So as you're getting smaller in the mirror, the mirror is getting proportionally smaller. It's further away. As in it's further away, sorry, yeah. So it looks smaller. So I guess if you were taking a photograph of somebody, or if you were trying to take in more of a scene or you're sketching for watercolors or whatever, the further back you go, the more you see, but it doesn't work for the mirror. It would work with a video camera, right?

Yes. So if I'm trying to film my own legs, that's fine. Or sketch your own legs. Yeah. If someone else is trying to film your own legs, then if they walk further and further back, they will accommodate your legs eventually. It's one of those cute, viral things on the internet. This guy sketched his own legs every day for a year.

Do you know Hawaiian monk seals? Keep getting eels stuck up their noses. Oh yeah, I saw a photo. Have you seen the pictures? Yeah, that's amazing. Seals and eels. Seals and eels, yeah. Wow.

It's a great double act. There aren't many of them left, about 1400. So we don't want them to suffer. Wait, the monk seals? The monk seals. Right, right. Yeah. And...

They suffer? They actually don't die. They're fine. But we just don't want it happening. Yeah, you want to keep... You're sure? What's the reason for it? And presumably the eel hasn't given consent.

It's not going to... No one's interviewed the eels, because they're all dead by the time it's happened. I don't know if it's like in a 50-wank game. They're sucking them, yeah, head for us, so... Yeah. It's just a muffled interview. You get out of there. Wonderful!

Wonderful! They're not sure why. Conservation has suggested two ways it's happened, either when seals are foraging around for food in rock crevices, and there's an eel in there. It launches itself defensively at the seal and shoots up its nose, maybe. But they think that's a bit weird, because they are really deep in the nose. It takes a minute to pull the full eel all the way out. Oh, my God.

It's a great magic trick, isn't it? Like the handkerchief's in his pocket. It is. There's more eel! So they think that it's not that. They think that the seals have swallowed the eel's hole, and then they've regurgitated them through their nose. So they've made them laugh.

Some of us have made them laugh. Wow. That's amazing. He was so funny. I had the anus of an eel poking out of my nose. He's brilliant. You'll love him. It's better than any applause for a comedian.

Eel anuses throughout the audience. Okay. You ready? Oh! Lovely. Yeah. Yep. He's...

That was some seals singing Kiss From a Rose by Seal. That was seals singing. That was actual seals. Beautiful. That's incredible. That was very good. Very good. Do you remember on Don't Forget Your Toothbrush, the TV show, the late 90s and early 2000s,

and they used to do a thing called Superfan, where they had a celebrity and then a superfan and obviously they pitted against to see who knew more about the celebrity, the celebrity themselves or the superfan. Sounds like an absolute stalker's charter, doesn't it? Was there a scream between them? Was there Hannibal Lecter Mask at any point? Well, the prize was... You get to spend a day on your own in their house.

You can wear their skin like a mask. As far as I remember, I remember one with Barry White and it was some massive fan. So Barry White gave this woman a handkerchief that he had mopped the sweat from his brow with which you sort of go, yeah, just hanging onto your favourite celebrity's DNA. I think that's encouraging some questionable behaviour that we shouldn't be. What, giving them sort of your own sweats? Make your own. Well, you can make your own.

Can't you at home make your own Barry White? Just sell those kids. Clown your own. With their sweat? Can you clone someone from their sweats? I believe not. It's just water, isn't it? Salty water.

You're just going to get a giant human-shaped lump of salty water. Or somebody else had used it. You know, Chris Evans had used it to wipe his sweat as well. And then you accidentally caught Chris Evans. And you made an Evans White crossover. Like the fly. Yeah. Great version of the fly though.

He comes out and he's caught Chris Evans. It's the dream man. Barry Ginger it would be, wouldn't it? Yes. Have you guys heard of Eithelbert's Code? This is in English. Eithelbert. Great, thanks.

It's just Eiffelbert. No, it's definitely an AE at the start of it. I believe it's pronounced Eiffelbert. Like my local church in Bolton is St. Eiffelbert's. But it's felt like that, AE. Well, they got rid of the AE. Well, I'm going to keep it. Look, they're all dead.

No one's going to complain. Eiffelbert. You have to say it like that. All right. Eiffelbert's might be, this code is a legal encyclopedia from the 7th century. And it's basically, it has an extensive list of crimes and punishments. And normally for lots of them are for injuries. So I just wanted if you could guess, which was worth more or less.

So it's kind of again, you know, it's kind of higher or lower player cause right style. Right. Knocking out a front tooth. Okay. So the punishment for this was. The financial penalty. I'll give you the first one. You can tell us what that is.

Which is six shillings. Six shillings. Okay. What's that worth these days? Oh God. 30p. Yeah. 30p.

It's not a big fine. It's a few Freddos. Okay. Actually these days it's probably not. Little finger. More than a two for sure. Front tooth though. It's one of the big.

I don't mind. Little finger it must be. Cause how do you drink tea otherwise? Yeah. It's a good point. It's 11 shillings. Yes. Makes more sense.

Stabbing a man through his genitals. More or less than. Little finger. Little finger. Yeah. It does seem like it's more. Feels like 12 top shillings. It's less.

Less. Really? Six shillings. Really? Yeah. Little. Really value the little finger. Yeah.

Yeah. Crikey. Taking someone's thumbnail. More or less than stabbing someone through the penis. Well. Oh okay. So I think more than stabbing someone through the penis less than the little finger. I just, I mean, it feels like it should be way less, but then we've already established

that stabbing someone in the penis is actually positively encouraged. That's Alphalbert's code baby. Why is he going so specific? Surely you don't need a separate law for taking someone's thumbnail. Is it different to taking someone's index fingernail? Yes, it would be actually cause thumbs and fingers have different values. Little finger has a different value to the thumb and all the fingers have different values I believe.

Yeah. All right then. What do you get for taking someone's thumbnail? How would you even go about doing that? Three shillings. Really? Yeah. A bargain.

Do you think that's cutting the top off or pulling out the whole thing? No, it's like like pliers and then pulling it off like in torture, right? Yeah. I think that's it. Although it doesn't apply that people went around torturing each other at the time. Yeah. You know. With like a menu.

What can we afford to do? Yeah. Yeah. I can definitely stab him in the dick. If you stab him with an index finger nail, you can't afford to take his little finger. Or you can punch him in the nose for three shillings and take one pre-molar, but not a front tooth. How much was the stabbing someone in the genitals?

That was six shillings. So you can put someone in the nose twice. Or stab him in the penis. Yeah. That's a good point. Yeah. Craigie. Yeah.

Which would you do? Which would I do? It depends what the person has done. I wouldn't do either of those things. It's implying that actually taking away someone's ability to take the piss out of someone's genitals by removing that little finger is worse than removing their actual genitals. Oh yeah. Because that's the main thing you use your little finger for, isn't it?

What a good point. Yeah. Yeah. That's the main thing. And it's inhumane not to give someone the chance to do that. If someone had done that to me, let's say, I would probably want to stab that person in the penis and could afford to. Well, I need to brag.

Well. Sorry. The advertising yield for this year is 18 shillings. Okay. That's it. That's all of our facts. That is the end of our compilations for a good little while now. But in the meantime, if you'd like to speak to me, go to Twitter and you'll find me on

at James Harkin and he is on at Andrew Hunter M. Dan is on at Shriverlan and if you'd like to speak to Anna, you can email her at podcast at qi.com. You can go to noticethingsofish.com for everything else to do with fish. And if you go to qi.com slash fish events, you will specifically get the details of our upcoming tour dates. We will see you next week with a normal episode and until then, enjoy your weekend. Goodbye. Bye.