No Such Thing As A Fish - No Such Thing As Jean-Paul Sartre's Crabs

Episode Date: November 16, 2018

Live from the Union Chapel in London, Dan, James, Anna and Andy discuss snail backpacks, the band from space, and Alexander Graham Bell's talking dog.

Hey guys, we have a few exciting bits of news before we start today's show. One is next week we have a special guest on the show. Do you want to say it, Dan? It's Stephen Fry. Yeah, Stephen Frye. He brought a fact and he sat with us for a couple of hours to just chew over the best facty stuff we could think. It's great. It's next Friday, don't miss it.

And to celebrate that, actually, next Friday at 5 p.m. GMT, we're going to be doing a Reddit AMA. So that's Reddit R-E-D-D-I-T. We're going to be answering questions from all over the world about everything that you might want to know about us and also everything else in the world. So if you go to No Such Thing asoffish.com slash Reddit, we will be there. Check it out.

That's right. We'll be there for an hour just answering every single question you have. And lastly, just to remind you, in case you haven't been listening to the episodes for the last few weeks, we have a book out. Such a book. It's such a book. I mean, it's the book of the year.

It's the book of the year 2018. People have been calling it that. That's the title. Yeah, we've not given them much option, but that's what they've been calling it anyway. It's a fabulous book. It contains all the weirdest and most bizarre and wonderful and funny things that have happened around the entire world this year. And honestly, guys, if you want to do one thing to support the podcast, this is a perfect thing to do. It's on Amazon, it's in Waterstones, it's in all good indie bookshops. It's called The Book of Year 2018. Please do get yourself a copy. It makes a perfect Christmas present. Outside of that, come back Friday. Stephen Frye is going to be on.

Stephen Friday. I love it. Stephen Friday. I love it even more the second time you said it. Okay, on with the show. Welcome to another episode of No Such Thing as a Fish, a weekly podcast. This week coming to you from our Book of the Year 2018 tour live at the Union Chapel in London. Is Dan Schreiber and I am sitting here with Anna Chazinski, Andrew Hunter Murray and James Harkin.

And once again, we have Gabby. round the microphones with our four favorite facts from the last seven days. And in no particular order, here we go. Starting with you, Chisinski. My fact this week is that when you went to the toilet on a World War II U-boat, you had to summon a specially trained member of the crew to flush it after you'd been. This is one of the jobs on German U-boats in the Second World War. Well, I would just never go, ever.

Yeah, there must have been a lot of people going, I didn't actually use it. I just came and someone's not flushed that. Wowsers, that's disgusting. It was because it's quite a complicated thing to do because the pressure outside in a submarine is a lot because there's a lot of water on you often. And so it's quite hard to force something out into that water. And so for a long...

And the German Uvotes had no storage tanks, so you had to just flush it straight out into the ocean. So for a long time, you could only use the toilets on them when they were right on the surface. And then as soon as you went down, it was like, hold it in. What? But there must have been some really desperate people going, we need to go up now.

I need to fire a torpedo. But then they developed this system, which meant the loose could be flushed to a depth, to a lower depth, but it was very complex to do so. So there was a series of levers to pull. You had to do it in the right order. And these things were called thunderboxes,

these new toilets that they designed. And if you pulled the wrong lever, you literally got drenched. in sewage, or something worse could happen. You could open a hole in the submarine and the whole thing goes down. So people had to be specially trained to use them. And when you did go to the loot,

you had to summon one of those people. But I think it is still quite dangerous, isn't it? Well, not dangerous so much as, like, you might get a face full of poo, because I read that the current ones, it's like a big slot machine, like a big lever, and you pull down the lever and the poo might go down or you might get a face full of it.

No. Which is the worst. I mean, worse you can have in a slot machine is you lose your pound, isn't it? But yeah, that apparently happens. Even on modern submarines? On modern submarines, yeah. Do they not have lids for the toilet?

Do they not have the lid? We know how my toilet has a lid, right? Someone's doing all right for themselves. All that podcast money rolling in it. No, there did used to be actual disasters that happen when people screwed this up. So in 1945, there was a particularly bad moment where the captain of the U-1026 submarine

tried to use the loo. And because he was captain, he thought, I'm sure I can flush this myself. So he tried to interpret the flushing manual next to it. He messed it up, he failed. It started flooding. He had to cool the specialist in, who opened a valve in a panic,

which started letting water in from outside and just flooding all the batteries. This released chlorine gas into the submarine. They had to surface. They all got spotted by the enemy. They were off the coast of Scotland, actually, I think. and so they were all either killed or taken prisoner. Oh my God.

So that's the worst thing that can happen if you screw up going to the loo. Having the flushing manual beside the toilets a bit of a conundrum when you run out of toilet paper, eh? I looked into submarine toilets in general, so I didn't know this. Submarines, or German U-boats in the Sakam War, they had two toilets generally, but they had about 50 men on them, so that's already, you know, 20 votes.

On each toilet? Well No So you've got 25 men sharing each small toilet But the problem was In the early days of a cruise There was so little space

They were all in an area About the size of a double-backer bus So one of the toilets At the beginning of a cruise Would be used to store fresh food So all the fresh food stuff Would be in the toilet So you'd have 50 men sharing the other small toilet

And then it all went mouldy in there because it's so damp all the time. And you weren't allowed more than one change of pants and socks and all the other clothes you only had one of. But you can do it inside out as many times as you like, right? You would have fit in really well. I make that 12 pairs of pants you've got effectively. You also couldn't use the loo when you were anywhere near the enemy.

So if you were stalking the enemy, it was feared that using the toilet would make such a loud noise of clanking metal and then it would cause floating debris to appear outside of your submarine. And so it was thought that they could spot you. And so as soon as you were actually fighting, you couldn't go.

And I would have thought the time you're going to really need the looers when they go, okay, we're attacking now. Yeah. Also, what, so an enemy ship would spot just a popping turd coming out of those. What kind of binoculars? Well, like what could happen is, and this happens with current submarines,

is they fire out the waste, and then loads of fish and crabs and stuff like that, all kind of flock towards it, because they all want the nutrients. So that could work like seagulls coming down to eat that one solitary turd. Yes. Oh, man. But, yeah, life on board submarines.

It was tough. It was no fun. They do have fun sometimes. They have a thing called angles and dangles. Okay. They go in a 25 degree angle when they're kind of going down into the water. And what they do is they put the slipperiest thing they can find all over the ship and then just slide down all the corridors.

No. Oh, that sounds amazing, isn't it? Wow. That sounds incredible. Yeah, they used to play good games as well. I think it was quite boring, like a lot of war. You know, you did nothing for a long time, but then you died. And so... That's life, Anna.

Oh. But yeah, I was reading some logs of the games they used to play. The captain of one you vote organized a guess a number of peas in the bag game, which sounds very fun, or guess the number of rotations the propeller would make in a certain amount of time. And then if you want the... that if you were the one who got closest and the captain would take over your roles, your duties for the day. So if you were the toilet flusher, the captain would have to do that. They had frequent singing, limericking and lying competitions apparently. Lying, as in telling lies. I guess so, yeah,

or just being prostrate by telling lies, yeah. They had to share their bunks with, well, beneath their bunks were torpedoes at the beginning of the voyage because there was just no space. Did they? Yes, so it would just be lying next to a torpedo. Oh, God. Very careful. Yeah, yeah. I do like how makeshifts some of the adventures that submarines have as a result of things like a toilet breaking or just so many things can go wrong on a submarine. I read this amazing story. There was the R14. It was a submarine back in 1921. And basically what happened is its engine died and it didn't have enough battery in order to propel it back to land. And they were off the coast of Hawaii. And so they were stuck.

They were above surface and they didn't know how to move. They were at a standstill. And so the captain ordered for them to go down and get all of the hammocks and all the material from bunks and come back up and they put them up and all the bedsheets came up and they set these huge sails. They manufacture these giant sails, yeah. And within 64 hours, they managed to sail to the coastline of Hawaii. They picked up enough wind to go at like one mile an hour. No way. Yeah, isn't that awesome?

So all that practice they'd done as kind of seven-year-old boys on their beds, you know, when you made your bed into a boat. Um, came in handy. It's very hard with a fitted sheet, I find. Um, so this fact is at least partly about toilets. Yes. So in order to find out about it, I searched online, and I found a website called toilet guru.com. I cannot recommend it highly enough.

It's so good. It's just a guy called Bob Cromwell, who has a website about toilets. And he has an FAQ page about why he's doing it. Because he photographs toilets all over the world. And they're not, they're not brilliant photos. But they're good, but they're good, and the website is very informative and interesting. So I just want to say, I'm pro-toilet guru.com, but the FAQ, it's so clear that he's written the questions. Like, a guru, really?

He says, it's purely a self-appointed title. There is no formal sanctioning body. Next question. Am I obsessed with toilets? No, I'm just willing to admit I find a topic somewhat interesting. So why a site just on toilets? He says, why not? But a site about toilets, I must be obsessed, right?

And here he really goes for it. He says, I don't see it that way. I'm just the guy with a silly site that spun off a collection of travel pictures. I regularly get messages from people saying, I have spent the last four hours reading about toilets on your website, and I would like to know why you are so obsessed.

Excuse me, you'd have spent how long thinking about toilets and reading my site, and you think I am fixated on the topic? I love that it spanned off from just his holiday photos, as if... Who does that in the holiday pictures? You go home, you show the album to your family. That's so true. This is the number two I left in Tokyo.

I, too, was looking into toilets, but specifically because the job of this person was to avoid disaster. So I looked into dangerous toilets, and I found one. This goes back to 1016, the year. 1016. And this is the death of King Edmund. King Edmund died on the toilet. And so he sat on the toilet and he died. And the way he died was at the time Knut of Denmark. He was trying to extend his empire into Britain. And so he sent someone, one of his Vikings, who broke into the bathroom of King Edmund, hid inside the toilet underneath it. And when he sat down, he raised a sword right through

yeah right through the bumhole all the way up and killed him no yes wow really yes sorry the Vikings got access to his toilet

why does he have to hide under the toilet for the king because that's how you get into the bumhole most easy yeah so point being on top of a cupboard it's perfect vantage point but you can kill

You can kill... You don't have to kill someone... That... Yeah, kill him maybe... That's a good fact. He might have got into the toilet and thought, I'll hide somewhere else and there were no cupboards or anything, you know.

And he heard Edmund kind of walking down the corridor and he looked frantically around. Oh, in the sink, no. Oh, the B-Day, no, not big enough. It's one of those amazing scenes of the film where the door opens and there's no one in there. Like an audience, you're going,

where's he got him? He's like, oh, thank God he's got a toilet cover. Oh, he's doing all right for himself. What could be more dangerous, speaking of dangerous toilets, than Hitler's toilet? Yeah. So Hitler's ship's toilet is a tourist attraction in New Jersey at the moment. So at the end of the war, Hitler had a yacht and he was going to sail up the Thames, kind of lauding it over the British.

And what happened was the British took it off him and then dismantled it and sold it for scrap. And the toilet happened to end up in a shop in New Jersey. And there's a guy called Greg Kofelt. And if you go down to his shop and say, can I see Hitler's toilet, please? He'll just show you around. And he'll go, here it is. And he says, it's not something to be proud of, but it exists.

Apparently, it wasn't in his shop for a little while because he took it to the UK in an attempt to sell it on a TV game show. Which key show? I don't know. All I could think is bargain hunt. Yeah, yeah. That doesn't sound likely, does it? Antiques Road Show?

One of those nice stately home gardens. That's a really low-rent edition of Antiques Road Show. We need to move on to our next fact. Just one more submarine. I didn't know this. I thought it was incredible. So did you know that the Brits had to find a way in World War II of defeating the German U-Boats? They were a massive danger.

And so they planned to make an aircraft carrier that was more effective because our aircraft didn't have the range to hit the U-boats from land. And so a guy called Jeffrey Pike, working for the government, proposed, and this is a thing called Operation Habercook. It was approved by Churchill. He proposed that we build an aircraft carrier made completely of ice. So this massive ice ship. Wow.

And yes, we went to Churchill, he took this plant to Churchill. He said, can I do this, make this ice thing? And then after researching further, Pike realized it was unsuitable because it would melt. as the kind of thinking that won us the war anna but then so I remember this story and what happened was he then started putting stuff in the ice didn't he?

Like little bits of sawdust or something? And then that stopped it from melting it did and is it right this is probably a myth but did he go and see Churchill again and Churchill was in the bath is that true or that? He didn't but yeah it was called Pichrete named after him and yeah he convinced Lord Mountainbatten

that it was a good idea. And Mountbatten really liked it. So he said, I'll go and talk to Churchill. And Mountbatten used to tell this story after dinner parties. He said he went to checkers to show Churchill this special pike crete that was so good at floating. And he was told that Churchill was in the bath, so he'd have to wait. And Mountbatten said, good, that's exactly where I want him to be. And he marched straight up into his bathroom, pushed the door open and said,

hey, Churchill, do you mind if I put this bit of thing in the bath with you and show you how effective it will be as an aircraft carrier? And that was what he did. And that was the last ever ridiculous plan to come out of checkers, wasn't it? Very nice. Okay, it is time for fact number two, and that is James.

Okay, my fact this week is that Alexander Graham Bell taught his dog to say, How are you, Grand Mama? No. I'm going out on a limb and saying, no, he didn't. He so did. He so. Absolutely did. Kind of.

If anyone could record the evidence, he could. So where is it? Well, this was before all of the telephone stuff that he did. It was when he was quite young. So when he was really young, his father devised a system of transcribing words by just the shape that you make of your mouth. So he would say, if you make your mouth like this, like this, like this,

it will make these kind of sounds. If you make someone's face go wider, it goes more of an e sound. If you make it go narrow, it's more of an oo sound. And so once he kind of learned this, when he got a bit older, he decided to try it on his dog. And so first of all, he organized so that the dog would growl on command by giving him treats and things like that. And then, as the dog would growl, he would kind of move his face. And he managed to get the dog to say mama.

So he got mama. So you make the lips go down like that. Then he got him to say, gah, ah, ow and oo. And when you put it all together, it sounded a bit like, Aau-a-u-garmama. And this was his party trick, and he did it all the time. What a patient dog. Well, the thing is, he then tried to get the dog to do it

without any kind of movement of the lips to just see if he could do it by himself. And he said that even though he took kind of an interest in the experiments, he was never able alone to do anything but growl. I wonder how I express taking a little. interest in the experiments. I have another fact about Alexander Graham Bell as a boy. Okay.

So he was born Alexander Bell. Okay. He didn't have a middle name until he was 10 years old. And then he got jealous of his brothers who did have middle names. And he asked his father, can I have a middle name? And his father said, yes, which one would he like? He said, Graham, and that was his 11th birthday present. Wow.

It was a middle name. I did that. When I was 12, I asked for a new middle name. because I didn't really have one properly. Oh. So my name is Daniel Craig Schreiber, and my... But everyone else in my family,

including my sister, has Craig as her middle name. And we'd moved to Australia from Hong Kong, and I said, when I go to school, I want to have a new middle name, and no one will know that it was never there before. And they said, yes, and I did it. What was it?

So it was a full name, Daniel, Indiana, Craig, Schreiber. And I swear to God that's true. It was on my opening school reports, Daniel, Indiana, Craig, Schreiber and then someone pointed out that I was really uncool and also it spells out dicks no wonder they called me though there are many reasons also as a kid he used to help his dad so he came from a long line of people who experimented with middle names middle names yeah um with sound

and with how we speak and with speech and so his father invented kind of a system of notating the different sounds that humans can make and writing it on a board. And he said that you could make any sound in any language and he could write the notation for it. And this could be a universal language. And he used to deploy his son to help him. So he'd be giving a lecture to a big lecture theater of people. And he'd say someone in the audience, preferably someone who's from a different country, you know, a Russian person. Why don't you give me one of your words in Russian? And this Russian person would give him the word. And then Alexander's dad would write on the board his special notation for that word and then he'd call his little 10-year-old son in who trot in and look at the board and he'd be

able to make that sound and it was like a weird kind of magic trick um so he he did do a lot of work uh with the deaf he's kind of i think he's kind of a controversial figure because he um he argued for eugenics and he was president of the second international eugenics uh congress um but he also came from so his mother was deaf his fiance was deaf and he taught uh deaf children a lot he almost missed the big debut the telephone because he wanted to teach a class of deaf children. Oh, really? Yeah. So he had a very sort of very mixed opinion, so I can't quite understand it.

Yeah. Yeah. Also, he's controversial just because I think, as is semi-well accepted now, he didn't invent the telephone. And so... What? That's... I know.

I hate to break it to you. Well, this is all bollocks, then, my notes. Yeah, you're thinking of a different guy. No, the US House of Representatives actually voted on this in 2002, which I didn't realize. So actually, it turns out sort of two other people invented it, before him. So Miuchi was an Italian who invented the telephone but then he couldn't afford to keep... Wow. And he's in tonight.

Big fan there. But yeah, the House of Representatives in the US voted on whether or not he invented the telephone and they voted for the fact that Bell actually didn't invent it. It was Miyucci. And then literally 10 days later Canada voted and unanimously said Bell did invent it. And that is the cause of all tensions between those countries and the Sims.

But Bell did have the patent in America, didn't he? Yes. Because he couldn't afford to keep up the patent. But yes, he did. He tried to sell the patent to Western Union for $100,000. And his thinking behind that was that one day there will be a telephone in every American city. Cool. And Western Union rejected the idea as idiotic.

On the face of it. I like as well, though. He obviously, he may not have invented it. but he definitely knew the technology. He understood how it worked, and he built his own versions. And there are stories of him where if he was passing someone using the telephone and it wasn't working, he would just go up to them, take the phone off them, and fix it for them.

So there's a case of a town that he retired to called Baddick. And when he was living there, he passed someone who couldn't make it work. He unscrewed a bit of the phone, and there was a fly trapped on the inside. That was just, you know, but somehow it was messing it up, took the fly out, put the phone back on, and the guy went, wow, how did you know that? he went, I invented this. I guess that's why he did it just for the punchline, but yeah.

Imagine Steve Jobs walking up to you and fixing your Mac. It would be amazing. Yeah. And extremely impressive now. So Bell didn't have a phone in his study towards the end of his life when he was retired. Yeah, he completely changed calls. He invented a lot of other things as well. But I think we've briefly mentioned this on QI.

He did want people to answer the phone, Ahoy, hoi, hoi. And he campaigned. said ahoi when he answered the phone until the end of his life. So Mr. Burns is the only one doing it correctly. It's not weird, yeah. But the other thing is what advice was on ending a call. So the first ever phone book, it wasn't really a book actually, because there were only 50 numbers in it, because almost no one had a phone. But it said that users should begin chats with a firm and cheery, holloa. And the advice for ending a call is to end the call

by saying firmly, that is all. I'm going to start doing it. Okay, love you, love you, that is all. He did some weird experiments before the whole phone stealing the phone idea. So he once stolen ear off a corpse and this is actually one of the most important things he did. He's stolen ear off a corpse.

He actually got his mate to do, I think. Stolen ear off a cadaver and it was to create a phonograph. So he then linked this ear up to a stylus, like a recording stylus, and then he got it to inscribe lines in a glass plate, and he'd shout into this dead person's ear, whoever that person was,

and the stylus would sort of write what he was shouting, or, you know, write with the vibrations, the waveforms that he was shouting because it was using the bones of the ear to do that. And this was the thing he had in his house that he kept this dead guy's ear. Wow, did it work? Yeah, it worked?

Did it? I mean, the dead guy couldn't hear anything. It wasn't like... What's it like on the other side? Oh, we've got to get the mouth back. Trim number two to the morgue. We're going to have to move on shortly to our next facts. Oh, some things on clever dogs.

Yeah. So there's an amazing book by John Bonderson all about, like, really clever dogs. And he says that in the 1920s, Germany had a lot of animal psychologists who thought that dogs were nearly as intelligent as humans. And Hitler believed this.

Hitler believed it, and that he had these kind of schools where the dogs could go in and hopefully learn how to speak and communicate. I mean, he was Hitler, so... He wasn't entirely sane, we know that much. But he thought that they'd be able to communicate with their masters and become more effective soldiers.

It was claimed, and I don't believe any of these things. I do believe the grammar-ma thing, that I don't think any of these are true, but it was claimed that they could write poetry. One apparently could reply Main Fuhrer when asked who Hitler was. And another one mastered the alphabet

using a different number of barks for each letter and announced that he would be voting for Hindenburg in the next election. Here's another weird thing. There's a place called Port Lim, which is near Fokston, and they have this beautiful zoo, and none of the baboons were responding

to what they were saying every time. they spoke to them, they just were like, well, not following that command. And it turns out it's because these baboons were from France. So the Port Lim, zoo people had to learn French in order to speak to the baboons with the commands that they were used to in a previous zoo.

I think that's lazy. If they're going to come here, they can bloody well learn all language. Wow. Well, that answers one question I've always wanted to know the answer to. Okay, it is time for. Fact number three, and that is Andy. My fact is that to stop being eaten by predators, some crustaceans were disgusting tasting snails as backpacks.

This is in the southern ocean around Antarctica, and there are these tiny little crustacean-like creatures. They are called amphipods, and these guys are called Hyperiella Dilatata. I hope that sounds pronounced. you're one of these listening. Wow. And so scientists found them and they found them over a number of decades. They've observed this. They've got these mollocks. There are these little creatures. They're called sea butterflies or sea angels sometimes. They're quite sweet little things.

And they're clamped on their backs like a backpack. And they're being held in position. The amphipod is spending two pairs of legs just holding its backpack on. So it's a big expenditure of energy to keep this thing on you. And it turns out, that these little mollusks are eating chemicals, or they have chemicals inside them, which taste horrible to fish. And so the fish will approach an amphipod, and if it's got a snail backpack on,

it will say, no, I know that tastes disgusting. I will not eat it, and they swim away. And the amphipod survives. And it's so bad for the little snails, because usually when there's a partnership like that, usually they both slightly benefit. In this case, the snail's actually trapped, and it starbs while it's there,

unfortunately and it starves to death even so yeah yeah it's not all fun in games Andy so those those guys sea angels they are quite cute little animals aren't they they get their name because their shape resembles a snow angel you know when you do that in the snow that's really nice and when they find when two sea angels find each other and they want to have little baby sea angels they stab each other with suckers to stick together leaving scars on their bodies so you can tell

how many sexual partners a sea angel is had by the number of physical scars on their body not just the mental scars that we might have so slot shaming in their world

is probably rife I would imagine maybe you can see how promiscuous someone is I bet they have real feminist issues with that in the crustacean world

I think, I don't know if we've mentioned before that they're not the only undersea creatures to create backpacks for themselves so we so sponge crabs are called that because they wear sponges they wear sea sponges and it's for kind of a similar reason

it's for evading predators so they actually wear them as hats but they look so cool well sort of on their back and shoulders a sort of hat-cum rucksack and it's a disguise but also sponges release chemicals and so it's often chemicals that protect them from predators

because they taste gross or they poison them and if you look them up they look so weird because they often replace their hats if they find a better one so if there's like a more colourful fun-looking sponge then they will take that back back back and put the new one on. They'll take it back, they'll get a refund they'll put the new sponge on

yeah and it's mainly to find the best fitting sponge so they need to find a sponge that exactly fits the shape of their back as you do actually. They're so creative with their defense mechanisms. When you read about it, I was reading one, this one's pretty exciting. This is a crustacean called the ostracod. And the ostracod does this thing where it doesn't use its defense mechanism until it's actually in the mouth of the predator.

Wow! That's trying to kill it. Wait for it. I'm really not sure about this. Wait for it. So what happens is there's a cardinal fish which eat these, these particular crustaceans, the ostracod, so they eat them, and they're in the mouth,

and they close up the mouth, they realize that they've been eaten, and so what these little crustaceans do is they shake up like crazy, and they go bioluminescent. Now, the cardinal fish is transparent. So the one thing you don't want when you're in the deep is to be spotted by other predators,

by this huge light. So suddenly, from inside their body, they were glowing orb, and they immediately vomit up, these little crustaceans who then swim away, and the cardinal fish swims the hell out of there because he doesn't want to be near any of the other predators. How amazing is that?

That's so good. That's amazing. Yeah. There's suddenly just as light bulbs lit up in them, saying, I'm food. It would be so cool to see your food after you'd eaten it, like inside you, wouldn't it? Yeah, but not if it's then going to attract something to make you food.

Not if it killed you. No, no. But no, yeah, it would be cool. Aside from that. So salmon eat crust. crustaceans. Yep. And it's because of that,

that they are the color they are. So, salmon, wild salmon are pink, and they are lots of different shades of pink, and that's all about the crustaceans they eat. It's the same with flamingos. So some salmon will eat, like, lots and lots of a certain type of prawn, let's say,

or a bit of krill, and that will make them very pink. So, for instance, I think the Alaskan sockai salmon is the reddest of all. The Yoko's salmon is a lighter pink, because it eats slightly different stuff. But farmmen, salmon doesn't eat any of this because they're just fed

like farmy pellets of apparently ground up feathers and soybeans and chicken fat and weird stuff like that but obviously people are used to seeing salmon being pink so farm salmon that you buy would normally be grey but the farmers add pigment to their food to make

them the right colour that people expect them to be and they have a thing called a salmon fan which was invented by a pharmaceutical company and it's basically the what's the paint the July it's like the Dulux paint range, but for salmon color. So if you're salmon farming, you go to the salmon fan

and you pick the exact shade of pink that you want your salmon to be, and then they can send you the matching food for it. Isn't that good? It is amazing. You would think everyone would just go for the same colour, wouldn't they? But it depends if you want to be selling, you know, your Alaskan expensive salmon or something cheaper, more mass-produced salmon. That is amazing.

But apparently, if salmon goes beyond a certain lightness, people just won't eat it at all regardless of what type it is, because we're idiots. If any food that I expect to be a different colour is grey, I will sniff it at least. Just on colour and crustaceans, do you know that

the mantis shrimp, do you know how many colours a mantis shrimp can see? Oh. So how many do you reckon we can see? Oh. Lots. 10,000. 10,000. Okay. The mantis shrimp is

I mean, that was just a complete guess. Yeah, I'd like to say more than that. I'll say 11,000. Okay, Anna, do you want to get in on this? I couldn't name all of them, by the way. I don't want to be put on the spot later. Richard of York gave Battle in vain. Seven in the rainbow.

I think it's seven. Okay, seven, ten thousand, eleven thousand. So the mantis shrimp is able to perceive a hundred septillion different types of colour. That's ten to the power of 26. and it can name every single one of them. She was much going to be in Q with that guy. Pretty crazy though, hey?

So that's more than us then. You didn't say how many we can see? I don't know. You know, that fact means nothing to us. That's very cool. There's a kind of terrapod, which is the same as this little animal called a file fish. And they eat coral and live in coral,

and they get the smell of the coral from the coral. And it stops predators from being able to find them because they smell like their house. It's like if you ate nothing but onions and you lived in a bag of onions... I would question the life choices that have brought me to this point. Also, are you going, the onions haven't noticed me yet?

Who's spotting you there? No, it's the people who want to eat you. It's not that the coral wants to eat them, I don't think. But if you went to France, it would be a disaster because they'd love to eat you. I found it the most bizarre thing about crustaceans, a certain type of crustacean, which is a crab. I found out a thing about crabs.

I found out that, so Sartre, Jean-Paul Sartre, I'm sure you've all read his complete works. He took Mescaline in 1929. so mescaline like a hallucinogenic drug and he was as a result of that followed around by a team of crabs for years wow okay the French have very strict rules about mescaline don't they and they have a special crab police division

which they set to observing yeah they do so are you saying which I think you are that he thought he was being followed by crabs he said he gave an interview I can't remember who you get first gave the interview to but he said he took meskine and he suddenly realized that there were was crabs all around him. And then the interviewer said,

what, loads of them. He said, yeah, well, like four or five. So he just has four or five crabs. And they followed him everywhere. And he would say when he was writing, sometimes he'd be able to get rid of them. But as soon as he got up to go anywhere, they'd follow him.

So he would go to university. He would give lectures, get up in the morning, and he'd walk, and they'd walk with him. And this was for years. And he said, um, he said, How many seats would you like for the films? Six. Six.

No, they can sit on each other's laps, I think. But yeah, he started talking to them. He said he got really used to them. He would wake up every morning and say, Good morning, my little ones. How did you sleep? Did they talk back? Yeah, they chatted away.

But then when he went to class, he knew that it had to be quiet, so he said he used to tell them to be quiet in lectures. So he could work. And they would be, but the lecture ended, and then they start chatting away again. Wow. And yeah, it happened for years.

He had some therapy in the end. They went away. Okay, it is time for our final fact of the show, and that is my fact. My fact this week is that there is a rock band made up entirely of NASA astronauts called Max Q. The band has a constantly rotating lineup, as they can't be sure that all members will be on Earth at the same time. There's just so many of them. them and it does extend beyond going up into space. Sometimes they're in training to go into space. Sometimes they're retired, sometimes. Just they're doing other things. They're busy.

But yeah, so this is a fact that I stumbled on. In fact, it was while we were researching the book this year, because we have a fact about one of its members, one of Max Q's members, and it's Andrew Foistel, and he was the captain of the International Space Station this year, and he's in the band and the fact about him that's in the book is that NASA sent him up to space despite the fact that he has a fear of heights. But he admitted that it's fine once he gets to space the fear of heights. It's the way up and even ladders, he's just like, whoa. When you say NASA sent him up despite the fact, it sounds like they sort of forced him to go up, but he was saying, no, please, really, I just want to be in the lab. Just keep going up the ladder. It'll be fine eventually.

that's so weird because if I you know I don't really like spiders but if you present me with a spider the size of a house I would like it even less I wouldn't make my piece with it right but if you're in space

it would look so tiny you wouldn't even see it and then that's that's not the same logic is it no I've you've got on a bad analogy to start with so people play music in space sometimes these guys are mostly on earth these guys are on earth

yeah yeah this is yeah They're an earth band. But people do play music in space. Chris Hadfield famously did it. There was an astronaut called Ellen Ochoa who plays the flute in space, but she has to keep her feet in the footloops because even the tiny amount of blowing on the flute

will move her around. That is amazing, isn't it? What a great way to sort of exit a conversation. Will that be awesome? I fluted my way out of that one. Take that. You know, that's not what a flute looks like. What's a flute looked like?

He did the clarinet. Oh, my God. I would have flown into you. Worst getaway ever. Do you know, they've had backpipes on the International Space Station. So I was looking at all the instruments that have been there. I cannot think of something, you're in a very confined space. Oh.

I cannot imagine that being good for everyone's mental health. Yeah. Do you want to hear something even worse? ages ago, instead of an instrument being played, in order to get the astronauts to calm down, they would play in the International Space Station just to calm them. You know, elevator

music? That used to just be played. Can you imagine being stuck in an elevator? That's what it would have been like. They still play the music sometimes. So the music that wakes them up in the morning is picked by the capsule communicator, also known as the

Capcom, who is an astronaut who's on the ground. So they don't have responsibility. for the music that they pick to wake people up. Surely? I think they do pick things they like. Yeah. And they do, they ask, you know,

if it's going to be a Paul McCartney song, they might ask Paul McCartney to record a, you know, hello, wake up, you're in space, and then they wake up in... That was good. And, yeah, and it would be songs sometimes relevant to certain missions, so when Chris Hatfield had to do his first spacewalk,

he was the first Canadian, I believe, to do that. His wife was able to pick that morning song, and she picked a song that was dear to him and the lyrics suggested going out into the frontiers. So it's quite a cool tradition. Boystall actually started another band while he was in space. So Max Q he had on Earth, and up in space he had Astro-Hawaii.

That was the name of the band. And it had five of the ISS's astronauts, as well as cosmonauts. And so the instruments included two guitars, two flutes, which I now know what that is, and an improvised drum which was played using the metallic unit that usually stores Russian cosmonauts feces. So that was their... Nice.

That was their drummer. They've had so many out in space. They're all kind of music lovers, aren't they? Even from like really early flight, so in 1965, it was a classic, you know, back before NASA started clamping down on smuggling stuff into space. Everyone just took loads of shit up there. And Walter Shearer Jr. and Thomas Stafford snuck bells and a harmonica up there. And they'd practice what they were going to do before.

So they'd met together for secret rehearsals. and they thought, we'll prank ground control on the way down and tell them that we can hear something weird and then crack into song. And they did it. And I just never know where they're hiding these things, where surely someone... You can hide a harmonica very easily.

No, you couldn't. Is it where I think, like every time you farted, they'd notice. They're... Yeah, it is a big part of their culture, apparently, to the point where there's an inside thing that has said that whenever astronauts are being interviewed, potential astronauts are being interviewed by NASA, one of the questions that comes up is, do you play a musical instrument? It's that much of a thing. Does it affect your chances of getting in? Yeah. No.

No. No. I think it does. It was like, yes, the organ, and I'd love one up there. Exactly. We'll give you a call if anything opens up. It's not like, Buzz, Buzz, Alger. We would have let you.

you go on first, but Neil plays the banjo, and he's just more qualified to step out first. But it's quite a nice story about how Max Q came about to begin with, because the band was set up after the disaster of the Challenger, when the Challenger rocket exploded on the way to space. And actually, there was an astronaut on board who was going to be the first person to record music up in space for an album. So he was on board the Challenger, and he had his saxophone with him, and that obviously exploded.

so unfortunately that never happened. And so what they ended up deciding to do was why don't they throw a big fun day to get morale up and throw a big party and they'll have acts come on stage and they'll do stuff. And Max Q was formed in that moment. I was looking at some other things that astronauts do to relax. So here's one thing that they do.

They play Scrabble. Okay. It must be like treble scrabble, right? Well, they're in a microgravity environment so they have velcroed onto the back of every single piece. It's so good. They stuck a tiny patch of Velcro on. and the board is attached to the ceiling in the dining room.

So you can just look up while you eat and ponder your next move. With the microgravity thing, I was reading an interview with Samantha Christopheretti, who broke the record for the longest time a woman has spent in space a few years ago. It was 200 days. And she was talking about when you come back after being in a zero gravity environment

and how it feels. And she did say, I step out of the module and it feels like there's some kind of evil giant trying to press me into the ground. And for weeks and weeks you're like that, and I think it took her a couple of years to get back to normal. Then she said walking is like lifting tree trunks, but also you have trouble speaking

because your tongue is so used to being weightless that lifting it up off the bottom of your mouth is too much effort. So you're just like, uh... There's a lot of things they have to reaccustomed to when they come back down. So a lot of astronauts who return are known to, just drop their cup of tea in mid-air and just have it smash everywhere. You've become a real asshole in space, Frank. You mentioned the Moon astronauts, the Apollo 11 astronauts.

When they got back, I didn't realize they filled in a customs declaration form. Yes, yes. And it's so great when you look at it. It's basically, it's a customs declaration that lists the origin and the destination. So the origin is Cape Kennedy, the destination. was Honolulu, which they actually missed by a few hundred miles, but not important. And then it has to list a stop-off. So it says stop-off, moon.

It's just so great on this like normal little bit of paper, Honolulu, get it getting to eat, moon. And then it says anything to declare, you know, you've got to declare anything you're carrying, and they've just had to write moon rock and moon dust samples. And these crabs that we found up there. I'm sorry, was... Was that a harmonica I just heard?

I find this amazing about when you're in the ISS. So you're always kind of your weight list and you're always pushing yourself off things. But one of the rooms is so big that sometimes you can get stuck in the middle of the room. Oh my gosh. You've got nothing to push out to. You're just like basically you're either waiting for someone to get you

or you kind of, I guess you could blow your weight. flute on you at all time. So what you're saying about playing the flute and having to rip your feet under it, one of the harder instruments to play is the keyboard because every time you press one of the keys, you push the instrument away from you. So often when they're playing it,

if they haven't got a proper grip, they just have to chase the keyboard as they're playing their song. Another thing they do to kind of wind down, they do a lot of this exercise, because you need to keep your... Your muscles are okay because otherwise they'll atrophy, atrophy, sorry. But the problem is if you're doing your exercise and you're sweating,

the sweat hangs around your body because it's got nowhere to go. There's no gravity pulling it down. And you could end up with a big blob of sweat around there. And if you move your head really quickly, the sweat blob just slowly moves in space. And then it can smash your friend in the face, a big, like a water balloon of sweat. Wow. That's horrible. we're going to have to wrap up shortly

some stuff on bands and concerts and stuff like that in unusual places the Institute Marquez had a concert quite recently featuring Alex Ubego and Sharon Carr from the Cause and they had the youngest ever audience because it was a live concert for embryos

what yeah apparently apparently it helps the development of the embryos if they're getting lots of music, according to Sharon Carr from the Cause. Wait, sorry. And who am I to doubt Sharon Corp from the Cause? How do they applaud?

Wait, are they in Worms? No, they are not, they're in a lab. Oh, okay. It's in vitro stuff. Oh, cool. That's a, that's a weird gig. It had to be weird, I'm saying it on the podcast. I'm not going to say, hey, the cause once did a gig in Dublin.

So a load of normal humans. No, you're right, though. It's sort of like, so since the cause broke up, how's your solo career going? Actually, some exciting gigs coming up. I'm playing to unborn embryos. Actually, that is exciting when you think about it. I did find one space band thing. So this was in 2010.

It was a London synth pop band called Monarchy, and they announced that they were going to play their debut gig, their debut gig in Cape Canaveral and beam it into space. And the Guardian reported on it, they said, all that really means is sending a signal out of the atmosphere without it being bounced back by a sassalite. Because they weren't allowed into, you know, the actual NASA site. So the Guardian reported that it was not interstellar communication,

it was simply a gig broadcast to no one. Ouch. Not long after, monarchy were dropped by Mercury Records, before their album had been released. Ouch. Can I just say a fact that I really like, and it's about, you know, people, unexpected people being in bands. Okay.

So people you don't expect to be in bands. And I know it's the favorite fact of someone in the audience, who's our colleague, James, other James, we call him, which is good for his ego. James Rawson. It's James Rosson. McCauley Colkin plays in a band, played in a band. and it's called the Pizza Underground

and what they do is they do covers of Velvet Underground but instead of the Velvet Underground lyrics they're all about pizza and I was reading about the inspiration for it and the Glock player in the band explained that oh yeah yeah every band has a Glock player isn't the Glock a kind of pistol

it's a very very very dangerous gig to attend the Glock player in the band she explained that Actually, all of Velvet Underground songs were originally written about pizza, but they had to be reworded to accommodate the standards of their day. And so McCauley Culkin, is there writing that wrong? That is amazing. These NASA people, they need all of their people to be on Earth,

otherwise they can't do a gig. So I thought I'd look at a few reasons that people couldn't do gigs. Neil Young once had to cancel an entire tour after cutting his finger while making a ham sandwich. and the Kings of Leon abandoned a show halfway through in July 2010 after pigeons began shitting in Jared's mouth. I'm with the pigeons. Okay, that's it. That is all of our facts.

Thank you so much for listening. If you'd like to get in contact with any of us about the things that we have said over the course of this podcast, we can be found on our Twitter accounts. I'm on at Shreiberland, Andy. At Andrew Hunter, M. James. at James Harkin and Chazinski.

You can email podcast at QI.com. Yep, or you can go to our group account at No Such Thing. You can go to our website, no such thing as a fish.com. We have everything up there linked to this book that everyone in the audience has. You don't need that anymore. We have future tour dates. We have all of our previous episodes. And just quickly, we are now going to give away a book to the best fact of our audience here tonight.

This fact is from Daniel Simon. Are you in? There is. Hey, hey, Daniel. And the fact is this. In 2015, France called on its allies for more help in Mali. Luxembourg agreed to double

their military presence in the country and promptly added one more soldier. Okay, we'll be back again next week with more facts. We'll see you then. Goodbye.