No Such Thing As A Fish - No Such Thing As Sauce For The King Of Sweden

Episode Date: October 7, 2016

Live from Up The Creek in Greenwich, Dan, James, Anna and Andy discuss virtual grouse shooting, stolen Van Gogh paintings and what happens after you win a Nobel Prize.

Hi guys, just before we start this episode, just to let you know, we will be recording the first episode of series two of No Such Thing as the News next week, and we're recording that live on Tuesday. And for the middle section of the TV show, we would like to use the most interesting facts that you guys, our audience, has learned from the news over the past seven days. So if you've seen anything interesting in the news, tweet it to at QI podcast, email podcast.com, or post it up on the No Such Thing as a Fish Facebook page. And we'll pick our favorites and use them in the middle of the show. Okay, hope you enjoyed this show, which is a recording of the dummy run for No Such Things and News that we did live last week. On with the show. Welcome to another episode of No Such Thing as the News coming to from Up the Creek in Greenwich, London. My name is Dan Shriver, and I'm sitting here with Anna Chazinski, Andrew Hunter Murray, and James Harkin.

Once again, we're here to present the most interesting. stories we found in the news of the last seven days, and in no particular order, here we go. Starting with you, Chazinski. My fact this week is that one of the stalls at the Conservative Party Conference this week is a grouse shooting simulator. Sort of normal, ordinary thing for struggling families. So this was in the mirror, in fact. So a mirror journalist went around the Conservative Party conference and made a list of the most

Tory things at the Tory conference. And that, unsurprisingly, made the list. Well, the grouse simulator, you obviously saw what it looks like. It's like a little thing that you attach on this kind of fake gun, but you can attach it on your own gun if you want to, if he's so inclined. How many people at the Conservative Conference went, oh, actually, I've brought my own gun. And actually, there's a lady called Danka Bartekova, who's Slovakian,

who used this grouse simulator when she was training for the London Olympics, and she won a medal at the London Olympics. Really? Yeah. Oh, cool. So it's a useful and interesting thing and not just chance for landowners to show if they're shooting prowess.

I have to say, reading about the Tory party conference, I just thought it looks so fun. I know, like, politically, you could sit on either side, but as an event, it looks so much fun. And I went on Twitter, and I thought, I wonder if people are tweeting about this saying,

this is really fun, and they were. So many people were just, Because it was a hashtag CPC16, and I put CPC16 fun. I just came up with all these tweets going... If you would have searched CPC 16 crap, you would have got a lot of things that said. Well, I searched CPC 16 boring. And actually, today, there was a lot of boring stuff going on,

mainly about Hammond's speech. I don't know if you heard about Hammond's speech. So there were a few tweets I saved, one that said, Hammond's so boring, TFL wants to use him on the tunnels for the London Crossrail project. Good. And then on the fun side, because there were lots of fun tweets, this guy said,

fucking hell, it's 1.30 in the morning, and I'm listening to two men arguing about the Turnstile act of 1963. The CPC 16 is so fun, it aches! I think you might be missing a note of sarcasm instead of some of these tweets. I am here to tell you, having been to a party conference or two, that they are all lying. The people who want to be promoted within the Tory party are going, so it is not in their interest to go, this is a fucking waste of a party. time, isn't it? I think they have to say I'm having the time of my life.

I don't know, because there was an owl that you could hold on your arm. A real owl. It was a real out. Unfortunately, a lot of Tories brought their own guns and that owl was a mix up. They shouldn't put those two things next to each other. One person I'm not sure he was having a great time is Camden Councillor Johnny Bucknell, who spent the conference sleeping in his car. And what he thinks is these conferences shouldn't be held in big city. where all the hotels are really expensive,

they should be held in like Blackpool, where it's £10 a night or something. That's what he said. And so I looked at the other things that he's done in the last year or so, and this is all that's in the news about him. He was fined £30,000 for being a shoddy landlord, and he was told off for eating roast duck

during a town hall meeting. After which he vowed to campaign for the right to have a roast meal during meetings. Do you know what you could get at the Lib Dem conference this year? There's another bit of merch. A seat? Are you going to find, James, seats are the one thing the Lib Dems really struggle with. No, they, so they also have, I mean, all the party conferences have their own merch,

but at the Lib Dem conference, you could get branded 18th birthday cards, Lib Dem themed, in a pack of 50. For someone who has 50 young nephews or nieces. Don't worry, darling. You can sell them to pay off your student loan. It was the Looney conference this week. Earlier this week for the Monster Raven Looney Party. They held it in Blackpool at Uncle Tom's Cabin Pub.

And I went on the website and they had a whole load of things that was going to happen there. And they said, very sorry to say that Vince Cornwall and his rodent rat show will not be appearing this year. Vince has had surgery and been told to take it easy, although he is up and about and will be attending with Andrew the Rat. There was an incident at the UKIP party conference, which was in September.

One of the failed leadership candidates called Lisa Duffy went out for dinner. The conference was in Bournemouth, and the place was raided by immigration officials who wanted to check the visa status of the people working. in the restaurant. And apparently, the chef, she said, ran away into the night. So she said, watching our chef running away into the night, his apron flapping in the wind, was a surreal moment.

Turned out they were all completely legally working in the UK, so I have no idea why he ran away. Could be the idea of having to serve a whole bunch of UKIP candidates. The journalists and politicians have a football match at every Labour and Tory Party conference, which I didn't realize. So this year, the Lobby 11, which is the team of journalists, played the Tory MPs. And Tories lost five-two this year. In 2014, they lost seven-two. That's because they're all on the right wing.

Another thing that's been in the news and is related to football this week is the Hungarian referendum. So this is a referendum as to whether Hungary wants to allow the EU to force that they take in. Only another 1,300, I think, asylum seekers. And they voted against it. But the Prime Minister of Hungary, Victor Orban, who brought this referendum, is a former footballer, and he features in the 2006 edition of Football Manager. So if anyone has that, he's there.

He plays for Felksut FC. He, they, yeah, yeah. Speaking of games and also simulators, the top app at the moment is a simulator. This is PewDie Pye's YouTuber simulator, where you get to pretend to be a YouTuber. It's a great game. So you wear a simulator and you're just looking into a camera and going, Oh, my life's so crazy. Amazingly, it's even more boring than that.

You're a character on your phone and you're in your bedroom with a computer and you have to make videos. You don't get to really make videos, you just get to pretend to make videos. And then they get views and you get money for that and you can buy more things to decorate your bedroom with. Your fake bedroom. Your fake bedroom, yeah. I played it this morning, which is why my research is a bit kind of short this week. No, I made a video. It got 13 views and three subscribers, and it got me enough money to buy a cardboard box.

To put it in my bedroom. And then I had to wait for it to get delivered. And it said that it would take 30 seconds, and my app crashed, and it took me three minutes. And then I just got bored and I stopped playing. And this up is made by the same people who made goat simulator. A game in which players can drag things, wiggle things, throw things and lick things. I think it needs to be specifying what thing.

There's a new virtual reality simulator out as well as, so you put it on your head, and what it is, the game is you're a lonely cow in a field. Yeah, genuinely. And there's no other cows, and people come and they taser you and force you into a truck. And it's meant to raise awareness about how cows are being treated in the world today. Doesn't sound that fun, does it? Now I say that loud. But the pictures look amazing because you're on all fours, and you're just walking around your living room,

occasionally going when you're tasered. And there's another one where you can be a piece of coral. It's another virtual reality simulator and you sit and you're a piece of coral and you watch the reef decay from acids that are let into the water. The one thing I know about coral is they get most of their nutrients from urine. They get it from fish urine. So parents don't buy this game for your children. We need to move on in a sec to our next fact.

Anything before we do? Just back to politics, one thing. So there's been an election in Brazil for the mayor of Sao, Paolo and the man who has won is the host of the Brazilian version of The Apprentice. Oh, I know. What are the chances it'll happen twice in one day? Okay, it is time for fact number two, and that is Andy. My fact is that comets sound like a cross between a cat and a dolphin.

You mean the noise that they make? I mean the noise they make. So this week, the comet 67p. Churiyom of Gerasimenko. The Rosetta satellite has... Probe? We call it? Probe? Probe? Probe. It's weird when people shout probe at you. I'm used to it. Okay, no.

So they've gathered so much data from this comet that they never had before. And one of the things they found is it gives us this low-frequency hum. And they're not exactly clear why it might be, because it has charged particles in the... in the gas and the dust jets that it gives out. And I think we can play it. This is a sped-up version of it because it's normally below the range. That's kind of dolphin-y.

I'm hearing the dolphin. Imagine it, but more like a cat. Imagine pressing it together. It sounds like a cat purring a bit. Anyway, that's the noise it makes. I think it does sound like a cat-pairing. Yeah, more than a dolphin, in fact. But that is very sped up, isn't it?

So actually, it's like, one of those noises every 20 minutes or something. The Dolphin the clicks very infrequently. And have we had to manufacture that sound? Because it doesn't quite... We can't send sound back so they're picking up signals of what the sound should be generating. That's a recreation. That's someone in a...

That's like in TV when you have to make boot sounds on the ground. They're trying to do... What? Comet! Ah! And that's another day. Get me a dolphin. Yeah. Flipper! Yeah.

It's not quite that. They've copied and pasted the vibrations that are being emitted by the comet. into radio waves so that we can hear them. They haven't just hired a cat. Actually, doesn't it smell like cat pee? Yes. Yes. And it looks like a duck.

I'm wondering if this is a comet is a comet. If it looks like a duck, sounds like a dolphin and a cat, and smells like cat urine, it's comet 67 peed. Do you know, we don't know if it changed its tune, though. So, Hay, so, how these comet has been studied before. and it makes a completely different, sings a completely different song when it gets closer to the sun. And so we're still waiting on the data to come back

as to whether the tune now sounds more like a duck or a giraffe or whatever weird and what we want to compare it to. Hey, speaking of Halley's Comet, do you know when the next time we're going to see Hallie's Comet is? Oh, well, the last one was probably when I was a teenager, so it'll be another probably 45, 6 years, something like that. October 20th. Oh.

Yeah. And I'm old. than I think. I've just got the word hubris in my notes here. You could send me 50 birthday cards. I hope you like Tim Farron. No, what this is is that Halley's comet, when it flies by,

it obviously leaves a trail behind it. And so on October 20th, we're going to come into the path of the debris trail that it left behind when we saw it. And so, if you're in the north of Wales, October 20th, and it lasts for quite a long time, because it's a long trail, you'll see meteor showers coming in, and you'll be able to watch the debris of Halley's comet coming in,

and it happens every year. That is great. I don't know if it counts as seeing a comet, if you're seeing what it's excreted as it's past-side. It's not like walking into a room two years after someone fasted in it. Terry, hi! So this thing, so with the, just back to the comic quickly, they've discovered a lot of stuff.

So, for example, they discovered a new kind of car, which was really complicated, not like the kind of carbon that we're made of. And there was an interview with a team member of Rosetta called Alvé Kotin. He said, it is so complex, we can't give it a proper formula or a name. It's so complex. They can't even name it. Do they keep trying? And they're like, we'll call it.

And they're like, we'll call it. And have we said, we said, we're like, we'll call it. And have we said, we're like, we'll call it. why this is in the news this week. Rosetta, which is the probe which went around the comet, it's crashed into the comet and it's the end of its life, isn't it? It's not actually the end of its life, it's just cut off its phone conversation with us.

It's kind of hubristic of us to assume that it's now dead. Well, that's true, but what you see, because it's like solar powered, isn't it? So they were thinking, well, maybe we could just kind of land it softly and then next time it goes near the sun, it can power up again. Well, they weren't sure if that was going to work. And then so one of the scientists at the ESA, Matt Taylor, said they'd rather go out in true rock and roll style

and crash into the comet. It's weird that he said that because they crashed into the comet at two miles an hour. That's walking pace. That is walking pace. It strolled into a comet. The most interesting thing for me about the whole thing is that we did find out amazing information

about the makeup of comets and so on, and they think that there might be. be bits of it that suggest how life may have arrived on Earth. But for me, what's really interesting is on the actual probe, Rosetta, they included a thing called the Rosetta Disc. I don't know if you remember Voyager years and years ago had a golden disc on it that had songs from Earth. Languages. Exactly. So they've created a 7.5 centimetre nickel disc that has a thousand languages on it. It's basically it's nickel, and you can use a microscope to head in towards, and you can read a thousand languages.

So for a second time, we've ceded the idea of language that may die very soon into the universe, which is quite cool. It will just sit there. All the aliens that have just finished building a record player. Ah, great. Finally we can... Oh, wait. So I mean, what's this format? Rosetta took 116,000 photos on the mission, and it sent back 218 gigabytes of data.

I think you're saying it sent back 218 of them. Like, it's taken a selfie. No, no, no, no. It's sent back 218 gigabytes of data, and I worked out that what that would be is 872 copies of the film Deep Impact. That's the only version I could find of the film Deep Impact online was dubbed into Tamil, so it might be slightly more or fewer. Speaking of Deep Impact, I was surprised that. I was surprised that no one has got angry about the fact so far that Rosetta has gone in to the actual comet,

because in 2005, NASA crashed their probe, deep impact, into a comet called Tempel 1, and an astrologer tried to sue NASA saying that they had upset the balance of the universe. Well, all of these horoscopes are bullocks now, are they? Okay, so we're having to be. halfway through the show, and it's time to look at the stories that you've sent into us via emails and social media, starting with James.

Okay, this one comes from David Smith. It's at DVD Smith on Twitter, and it comes from The Independent. A Russian children's charity has had a million flyers printed asking people to exterminate beavers. That's due to a misprint. It should have read, Do Good. Anna? This is a tweet from At Eye of Siva, and it comes from the Florida Sun Post,

and it's a story that a 68-year-old man who married a 24-year-old woman only to discover when looking through family photos that she's his estranged biological granddaughter said they have no plans to divorce. He said, I've already had two failed marriages, and I'm determined not to have a third. And finally, Andy.

My fact, this has been sent in from Kenzie Lee, An employee of the Canadian Mint is currently on trial accused of smuggling 100,000 pounds worth of gold out of the building in his rectum. He kept on setting off the metal detector when he was leaving, and they kept on doing a sort of pat-down search and him, no, nothing there, okay, well. And then they found some gold pucks

and a tub of Vaseline in his locker. And he maintains that this is completely circumstantial evidence as well. Anyway, he is at the moment innocent until proven guilty. Until proven really weird. Okay, it is time for fact number three, and that is James. Okay, my fact this week is that Nobel Prize winners always immediately return their award

so they don't lose it in the subsequent party. This, it makes it sound like, as soon as they get the award, it kicks off. So I think the key to the fun that they have, because they definitely do have fun, is that they made sure that, Every year, 200 of the 1,300 seats there are allocated to students from the uni. Yeah, so that's what it is.

And a lot of the parties are led by students. So the best part of the Nobel Prize ceremony, apparently, is the after party, and it's called Nobel Nightcap. Do you know what they make the Nobel laureates do? Shot. They induct them into the order of the ever-smiling and jumping green frog. And everyone, like Richard Feynman was a part of it. Richard Feynman was really excited because as well as playing the bongos, he's an amazing physicist. Most people just know him as a bongo player.

He was involved in science as well. And they gave him one of these awards. And he was really excited because he does an awesome frog impression. So he was like, oh, finally, you can bust this out in this. And it's not weird. And so what they do is they get people who've won the prizes, usually in physics, to be, they have to leap like a frog. And they also have a massive paper-mache frog that they have to carry all the way. back to the origin place of the frog.

So people who've just won the biggest award in science can be seen at 2 a.m. with a huge paper mashet frog. Or a real one. So it changes every year, the formalities and sometimes it's a person dressed up as a frog. They mix it up all the time. Of course, you say physics, and it is the Nobel Prizes this week, isn't it?

Yes. And the physics prize has just been won by three British people. Yeah. Which is great. So there is a lot of partying, and it is very fun. but there also is the actual ceremony bit, which is very serious. And so all Nobel laureates get a course in how to receive the actual prize from the king.

So there was actually a British Nobel Prize winner called Paul Nurse. And they use his video as an example of how not to accept an award. He got his medal turned around and held it up like he'd won the World Cup in football. Classic Brit. And they edited that out from his winning video. And they apparently show that in the demonstration of how to receive it by how not to receive it. He could have done worse. He could have been like Knute Hansom, who won the 1920 Literature Prize.

You don't need to tell us, James. He got drunk and he pulled the whiskers of an elderly Nobel committee man. And then he snapped his finger against the corset of his fellow laureate's Secret Unsett and shouted, It sounds like a bellboy! It was a different time. So they give you the actual gold medal when you win. And for some reason, the economics one is very slightly larger than all the other five. It is 10 grams bigger, isn't it?

I don't know why. No explanation. So there was a guy called Brian Schmidt, who won the 2011 prize for physics for discovering dark energy, basically. And he went to visit his granny. She lives in Fargo, made famous, obviously, by the film and the TV series. And then on his way out at the airport, it was in his laptop. bag, and it came up on the screen as this completely black disc, because it's made of gold. And the airport guys were a bit freaked out.

And he reported the conversation they had. He said, they're like, sir, there's something in your bag. He said, yes, I think it's this box. They said, what's in the box? He said, a large gold medal. So they opened it, and they said, what's it made out of? And he says, gold. And then they said, who gave this to you?

And then he says, the king of Sweden. They say, why did he give this to you? He says, because I helped discover the expansion rate of the universe is accelerating. At which point, they were beginning to lose their sense of humour. Then he tells them it's a Nobel Prize, and he says, and their main question was, why were you in Fargo? He could have saved a lot of problems if he smuggled it in his rectum. It's big, though. At least it's not the economics one.

As well as the medal, you obviously get the massive cash prize that goes with it. Why is it like a million dollars? Well, it fluctuates. I've read this article where they talked about how people who've won the Nobel Prize, how scientists have spent the money that they've won. One interesting one was Albert Einstein who gave his money over to his first wife. He gave it in 1921. That's when he won it, but actually he signed it over to her when they were divorcing in 1919.

So he said, if I ever win the Nobel Prize, you can have the money in the divorce, and then he won it, and she got the money, which is amazing. You know they have the banquet? Yeah. So the 1,300 guest banquet's incredible. And sometimes there's major goss from the banquet. So I was trying to look for scandal at the banquet.

And get this, guys. This is according to the Svenska Dagbladet newspaper. Last year, the biggest scandal was a minor faux par which meant the king was last at his table to be served the source for the main course. It's amazing when you get that inside scoop. Hey, in banquet gossip, so I have to say... I don't think it's going to cap the sauce incident.

You're right. It goes alongside it. So there's this blog written by a full... former planning secretary for the banquet, talking about the issues she'd come up against. And one of the things is a seating plan, which is very difficult with 1,300 people. So obviously a lot of colleagues attend together because they're in the same science research group.

And she said, seating plans do sometimes request that they be seated as far from their colleagues as possible. People have said. There was one a few years ago where an American attendee and a Swedish attendee, who didn't know each other, were sat next to each other, and they're still married today.

So that's nice. So nice. And there was one where one of the Nobel laureates invited his ex-wife and his wife. And apparently, the Nobel Committee received strict instructions to seek the ladies as far apart as possible without any possibility of eye contact. Wow.

Honestly, it was the Peace Prize. Okay, it is time for our final fact of the show, and that is My Fact. My fact this week is that two recently recovered stolen vangeloven. paintings would buy you enough cocaine that you could snort a continuous line from here to Moscow. And you'd still have a bit left over for when you get there. So the reason that we know this is that two, you might have seen in the news this week,

two very famously stolen Van Gogh paintings, which were taken back in 2002 from the Van Gogh Museum in Amsterdam, were recovered, and they were found in Italy near Naples in the property of a famous cocaine mafia cartel. And the idea is that they were using these paintings as currency. So we found out how much one Van Gogh would be worth. We doubled it, and then we worked out how much cocaine that would be equivalent to. It's a shame that you have to make the swap, because once you're given away the paintings, you've got nothing to snort the cocaine off. Because that's the most rock and roll moment of your life. When these two paintings disappeared, they actually found the people that they thought may have stolen it.

There was a guy sent... There were two people sent to prison, weren't they? Yes. The main one was called Octave Durham. And he was known to the police as the monkey because he was so good at evading arrest. As monkeys are. Exactly. People tried to slap the cuffs on the monkey.

They got little paws. I checked and actually only two monkeys have been arrested in the last year. One was for harassing locals in Mumbai, and the other was after a high-speed chase in Washington State. He was sitting on the back of the guy who was driving, so it hardly seems fair, and they did let it go quite quickly afterwards. But still in the rest. So they never recovered the paintings from them,

but they assumed it was them, because at the site, they found their DNA on the ropes, on the ladders. and on both hats that they left behind. Like a monkey wears a hat. The banana peels everywhere. So one of the things is that they, so they got four years jail sentence and they were denying it, obviously,

that they'd stolen it. And they thought maybe the reason they hadn't admitted to it and probably played against them in the trial is the fact that Dutch law states that if there is a stolen bit of art and it's missing for 30 years, whoever is in possession of it, owns it. So they thought that they were going to wait 30 years and then go, oh, look what we found,

and then, and legally that's fine. It's incredible, isn't it, that that might be true. Yeah. No, but they own it, but would they still go to prison for committing the crime? Yeah, probably would. Well, they did the time, I guess. They did the four years for the theft. Apparently all these old laws date from the time when, like, Amsterdam and Rotterdam were massive ports where people could steal things and then just disappear. And so they have a load of kind of slightly weird arcane laws that still are on the statute books. We have a law about that. We have a finders' keepers law,

where if you find something, handed into the police, and then a few weeks later, it's been unclaimed, you get it. Is there a losers-weepers law? There has been another development in our theft news. So the FBI has a top ten art crimes list,

which I didn't know. And one of them is theft in 1990 from the Isabella Stewart Gardner Museum Boston. And this year, the FBI dug up the garden of a mafia boss called Roberto Gentile to try to find it. It didn't find any of the paintings that were missing. And this is the evidence they've got against him. He did a polygraph test, which assessed the likelihood he was telling the truth about not being involved at less than 0.1%. He was found to have a handwritten list of the stolen artworks and their values. And he was recorded telling an FBI agent, he had two of the stolen paintings.

This is the biggest ever art theft in the US, and the way they did it is so movie star style. They dressed up as policemen, these two guys, and they turned up and said to the security guards, hey, we got a call about disturbance in this art gallery full of priceless things. Can we get in? And so the security guards let them in. And then as soon as they'd been let in, they said, in your face, this is a robbery. I think they did. In fact, they were quite polite about it.

They did the classic thing. They said, gentlemen, this is a robbery. and then tied them up and stole the stuff. Kim Kardashian got robbed, didn't she, this week? And they reckon that might have been the Pink Panther Gang, who apparently have lots of these kind of tricks, like sometimes they get away on bikes, dressed as women, and sometimes they get away in speedboats.

And one time, so they didn't get spotted. They put wet paint signs on all the benches nearby so no one would sit on them. And always with the theme tune, da-da-dum, da-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-m. I read an interesting story about art heists. So there was a story about a guy who he was called Radu Dogura, and he stole $26.38 million worth of art.

And so he was caught and he was going to trial. And he said that he was willing to divulge where all of the art was. The only condition was that he got a Dutch trial instead of a Romanian trial, because it turns out that the laws are different in every different country for how severe a sentence you get for stealing art. And the Dutch laws are way less severe than they are in Romania, where they're extremely severe. So it's a difference between four years in jail or 20 years in jail. So I looked for the best place to steal art from.

And it turns out it's on Norwegian cruises. Okay. Yeah. So a guy, a Kentucky native called Kevin Hudgens, he recently stole it. It was a copy of a Rembrandt, still worth about 13,000 American dollars. And he stole it, but he happened to steal it while. the cruise that he was on, docked in Bermuda. And in Bermuda, they just don't care.

They're like, that's fine. And his trial, because wherever the boat docks, that's where you are the law of. And so he got fined $500 for stealing it, as opposed to 20 years in jail, had he docked in Romania, for example. So if you're on a cruise and there's a good bit of art, check out where you're docking.

Don't get a cruise to Romania. Yeah, exactly. But if you're heading to Bermuda, have a look at the walls on the ship. I mean, Romania is... It's not completely landmarked, but there's not that many cruises go there, I don't think. Has anyone else been researching cocaine news?

Just quickly on that. So this is a story from last week in Seattle. The police got handed a suitcase, which had been lost. And they said, well, let's look inside and see if we can find any clues to whoever might have owned it. They opened it up. They found 31 bags of cocaine. A scale for all the cocaine.

Some marijuana, because you got bored of cocaine. And a 19-year-old man's ID card and mobile phone. A little while after this had been handed in, a 19-year-old man approached police saying he had lost his briefcase and he needed it back as it contained some extremely important paperwork. Oh, man. He was arrested because of all the cocaine. I found one bit of cocaine news.

It's a study, a new study. Scientists have found that cocaine makes fish feel drowsy. Wow. Yeah, they gave some cocaine to some zebrafish. And also, they can take 100 times more cocaine than mice can and a thousand times more cocaine than humans can. Wow. But they're just blinking very, very, very fast.

It's slow. I guess. It slows them down. Yeah, it slows them down. Oh, yeah, of course. Bizarre. There was another study on cocaine. in the last week, actually.

So, it turns out that... This is now turning into cocaine news. What are the cocaine news? You want news? We got news. The reason Andy's so anxious is that it's most likely his cocaine is cut with a flesh-eating substance. So 65% of cocaine in this country

is now cut with this thing called Levanesol, which literally rots human flesh. And so, yeah, I know, nice. It's used by farmers to pose. their livestock of parasitic worms, usually, but it also serves this extra purpose. And it keeps the weight off. Okay, that's it. That's all of our facts.

Just time to share with you the four stories that we didn't have time to get through during the show, and we're going to start with mine. My fact is that North Korea has banned sarcasm because Kim Jong-un is worried that people are only agreeing with him ironically. James?

Okay, mine is that the police in Utah have officially recommended against shooting random clowns. Okay. Andy? This is from the Times of India. A building in Massachusetts had to be evacuated after residents complained about a peculiar smell

which turned out to be caused by a man cooking urine in his flat. Finally, Anna. Yep, this is from the National Post of Canada, and this is that after the official opening of a ring road in Edmonton, Canada on Saturday, motorists were surprised by a large electronic sign announcing, we done, bitches.

From me, Andy, James and Anna, we'll be back again next week. We've been no such thing as the news. Good night.