Noble Blood - Divorced II (From the Archive)

Episode Date: January 7, 2025

Anne of Cleves was the fourth wife of King Henry VIII. Support Noble Blood: — Bonus episodes, stickers, and scripts on Patreon — Noble Blood merch — Order Dana's book, 'Anatomy: A Love Story' and its sequel 'Immortality: A Love Story'See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

This is an I-heart podcast. Guaranteed Human. What's up, everyone? I'm Ago Vodam. My next guest, it's Will Ferrell. Woo, woo, woo, woo. My dad gave me the best advice ever. He goes, just give it a shot.

But if you ever reach a point where you're banging your head against the wall and it doesn't feel fun anymore, it's okay to quit. If you saw it written down, it would not be an inspiration. It would not be on a calendar of, you know, The cat, just hang in there. Yeah, it would not be. Right, it wouldn't be that. There's a lot of luck. Listen to Thanks, Dad, on the IHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.

Welcome to Noble Blood, a production of IHeart Radio and grim and mild from Aaron Manky. Listener discretion advised. This is Dana Schwartz. While I'm on maternity leave, Noble Blood is revisiting the original series I did years ago. on the six wives of Henry the Eighth. Today's episode is about Anne of Cleves, the German princess, who is best known for a painting that Henry the Eighth approved,

and then in appearance in real life that he did not. But the story might be a little more nuanced than you might have heard. I hope you enjoy. Anne of Cleaves had traveled over 300 miles, by land and by sea, to come to England to meet her future husband to be, King Henry the 8th. Neither had laid eyes on the other before the marriage arrangement was finalized,

but Henry had commissioned a portrait of Anne, and he liked what he saw well enough to agree to the diplomatic match. And so arrangements were made for the 24-year-old sister of a prominent Duke to become wife number four. After weeks of travel, Anne and her entourage made it to Rochester in England on New Year's Eve, the final day of 1539. She was staying there at the Bishop's Palace. In three days' time, she would make her way to London, where she was supposed to meet her future husband for the first time. On New Year's Day, Anne found herself gazing out the window of her bedchamber into the courtroom.

below, where a celebratory bull baiting was occurring. Anne didn't speak English, only German, and while her escorts had been nothing but polite and deferential to her, she was still in an alien country, where the clothing, customs, even the smiles, could be sinister. They had warned her that the English court was a dangerous place. Watching the men danced around the animals in the courtyard below, the dog dodging. in between the legs of the bull, Anne wondered if she had come to England to be predator or prey. She had the uneasy sense that the position of Queen wasn't a spectator role,

and the bull-baiting never ends well for either the dog or the bull. The English seemed to enjoy their sports when they end in blood. It was at that moment that her chamber door flung open, and nine men, wearing hooded cloaks swept into the room. Anne screamed. But before the sound had even left her mouth, the tallest of the men had ensnared her in his arms and attempted to sweep her into a kiss.

Anne wriggled away, disgusted, and called for help. In German, she begged her attendance for an explanation. The men didn't seem to mean any harm. In fact, they had begun to laugh. The man who had tried to kiss her, she saw, who was not only the tallest, but also the widest, had an uneasy gait and a glint of red hair that flashed from beneath his hood. After a few words in English that Anne couldn't comprehend, all of the men walked away. It was a game, one of her attendants explained to her, a courtly game of she was a courtly game of

chivalry. The men were pretending to be Robin Hood or romantic heroes. I don't understand, Anne replied, I'm going to marry the king, no? Why would anyone insult him by trying to compromise my honor? Anne got her answer a moment later, when the same retinue of men re-entered her chamber, this time without their cloaks. Now the tall, broad man wore purple and gold. His hair and beard were red, and as he stepped forward, everyone around Anne lowered into a bow. Anne bowed too. Of course, the man was King Henry VIII himself. Not content to wait three days to see his bride, Henry had come to surprise her early, in disguise, imagining that she would fall instantly in love, as soulmates do.

It would be like something out of the stories of King Arthur and his knights of the roundtable, the beautiful princess recognizing her love, even as he's disguised as a common knave. Henry had played masquerade games in court for decades. His courtiers were well practiced in both treating him with nothing but flattery when he was in his flimsy disguises, and at feigning delighted surprise when the king unmasked himself. but Anne had never seen Henry before, let alone heard of his proclivity for self-indulgent theatrics. To her, here was just a strange, middle-aged man attempting to assault her days before her wedding. As soon as she saw the king in his royal finery, she lowered her face to the floor to avoid the discomfort of their mutual humiliation.

but King Henry just laughed and raised her up and kissed her on the cheek. The two made polite conversation with an interpreter and bid each other goodbye until they would see each other in London in a few days' time. The disaster, it seemed, had been averted by their mutual good humor. But the moment Henry left the bishop's palace, the good humor dissolved from his face, replaced with a scowl. He turned to his minister, Thomas Cromwell, riding next to him on a horse. I like her not, Henry said.

It was an inauspicious start to an inauspicious marriage. Though Anne of Cleaves is now mainly remembered for being less attractive than her portrait made her out to be, her story goes much deeper than that. She spent her life in England outliving all five of Henry's other wives, something between a hostage and a casualty of Henry the Eighth's narcissism and ego. She was a woman who did what it took to survive. I'm Dana Schwartz, and this is Noble Blood. It had been two years since Henry's third wife, Jane Seymour, died after giving birth to their son, Edward.

Henry, of course, felt the immense relief at having a male heir, a toddler whom everyone assured him was perfectly healthy. But two years without a wife was enough time in mourning. Besides, everyone knows you need a second son just in case, a backup. Henry already had a tiny Prince of Wales, and now he wanted a baby Duke of York. Henry's first choice of bride was the beautiful French widow, Madame de Longville, born Mary of Gies.

Henry sent envoys to France to try to negotiate, to try to entice her to become the fourth queen of England. But Mary of Geese was already spoken for, engaged to the young and very handsome King James of Scotland. Though Henry demanded some diplomatic wheedling to try to break up their engagement, it was a lost cause. Both Mary of Gees and King James of Scotland were attractive and in their 20s. Henry was in his late 40s, already expanding.

with a swollen leg that needed to be periodically punctured to let the ooze out. Mary politely declined his offer and married James. A little stung, Henry asked the French ambassador to assemble all of the eligible French women at the same manor house in Calais so he, Henry, could come by and choose one. The king of France, Francis I, was outraged when he heard Henry, his proposition. It is not our custom, he wrote back, to display women of noble rank like horses for sale. Henry would need to look further afield to find his next ride.

In Brussels, Henry's ambassador, Thomas Rothschley, had finally convinced the beautiful Christina of Denmark to sit for a portrait so that they could send it back to Henry and he could see what she looked like. Christina was tall and willowy. She had dimples when she smiled, one in each cheek, and one that appeared in her chin when she was laughing. She was widely praised among the courts of Europe for her gentle nature.

People whispered that she was also brilliant. She spoke three languages. She also had very little interest in King Henry VIII. Christina knew all about what had happened to Catherine of Averig. so cruelly disposed of, and to Anne Boleyn. And the third one had died too, hadn't she? No, it was much safer not to be a wife, at the mercy of Henry's fickle whims and mercurial mood swings.

While Christina posed for her portrait, Rossly tried to convince her of Henry's charms. He told her that Henry was gentle and kind and good. Christina couldn't help but laugh at that, hard enough that the dimple in her chin appeared. I would marry King Henry, she said, if I only had an extra head to spare. Another dead end and another blow

to the ego of the king who had once been celebrated for his looks and charm. And now the need for Henry to make a diplomatic marriage was increasing. Thanks to the kerfuffle of divorcing Catherine of Aragon in marrying Anne Boleyn, Henry was excommunicated,

which meant any neighboring country could invade England and claim it was in the name of the church. And the Catholic nations around England seemed to be getting pretty cozy. King Francis I and the Holy Roman Emperor Charles V looked to be forging a little friendship. The two of them were gallivanting around the Louvre Palace together, while the English ambassador present was assigned the smallest, least hospitable rooms possible. If the two of them united and attacked England, Henry had very few international allies who would help him. Henry had married for love before, and now he needed a foreign bride. Though Henry was excommunicated, he still wasn't a Lutheran, which limited his options for a bride a bit.

What about Cleves Juleck, Henry's advisor Thomas Cromwell, offered one day? Their new Duke was a reformed Catholic, but no friend. of the Pope, and he had an unmarried sister. When Rothley went to visit Cleves, Germanic custom meant that the unmarried girl appeared wearing heavy veils. Well, Henry bellowed when Rossley returned. So much prettier than Christina of Denmark, Rothsley assured the king. But Henry didn't need to take his word for it.

He had commissioned a portrait of the girl, Anne of Cleves, by Han Tolbine. And when the portrait came back, Henry was entranced. She had a gentle, kind face and heavy-litted eyes that made her look both mysterious and wise. Henry spent hours staring at the portrait, imagining his hands around her tiny waist and his lips upon her perfect smooth cheeks. The match was set. 24-year-old Anne of Cleaves, who had never before left the cloistered confines of her family, was going to become the next queen of England. Anne of Cleaves had a sterling noble lineage on both sides of her family.

She was almost entirely unprepared for life in the English court. No one had ever really believed she would marry higher than being a duchess. She spoke only German, no English or French, and she was untrained in music and poetry. The only dances she knew were the German ones she had grown up with. But prepared or not, the chance to become the Queen of England was not something her family was going to refuse, especially because being unmarried at 24,

Anne was beginning to become a bit of an embarrassment. Henry wanted her to travel north via Antwerp on her way to England so she wouldn't have to pass through the lands of the Holy Roman Emperor. her. But that would necessitate a longer sea voyage, and Anne's mother didn't want to risk Anne's complexion being damaged by the salty sea air. After all, Henry only wanted her because he liked what he saw in the portrait. So permission was asked and granted by Charles V, and Anne and her retinue of nearly 300 people traveled across Europe towards her new future. in Calais where Anne was set to board a boat across the English Channel

Anne was delayed two weeks by foul weather Rothley was apologetic he brought Anne to see the ship all ready for her departure dripping in festive streamers and ribbons and banners no matter Anne said I'll take this time to learn of my new people and my new husband while staying in Calais at the home of Lord and Lady Liesel Anne asked Rothley for his help. Via translator, Rothley taught Anne how to play Henry's favorite card game, called scent. Anne also requested that Rothley bring English noblemen and ladies to dine with her

so that she could learn English table manners and become more accustomed to the pattern of their jokes and the pattern of their speech. She didn't understand the language, but she smiled and laughed alongside them all the same. Letters arrived for Henry, describing how charming and good-natured his bride on the way was. Henry was jittery with anticipation. He was supposed to spend Christmas with Anne, but the weather delay meant he spent it alone. He paced his palaces, waiting for her to arrive like a package to be delivered. Finally, by New Year's Eve, Anne had made it to Richmond, and Henry, not willing to wait any longer,

rode out to surprise her. That was when he first appeared to her in his Robin Hood costume, imagining that she would be so taken by his handsomeness that she would succumb immediately. Imminent marriage be damned. These were the sort of courtly games that Henry was used to everyone around him indulging him in. Catherine of Aragon had grown up in the great courts of Europe. She would have known exactly how to react.

And Clever Anne Boleyn would have also perfectly matched Henry in this game. But Anne of Cleaves was a complete stranger, and totally unaware of both what Henry looked like and of what the game she was supposed to be playing was. She left Henry humiliated, smarting from the pushed-down knowledge that maybe he was no longer as handsome as he once was. Well, what of it, Henry thought? She's not so pretty herself, not nearly as pretty as that portrait made her out to be. His first three marriages had been love matches

with women who matched him in wits and flattered him with affection. Now Henry was being roped into a diplomatic marriage with a stranger, and he did not care for it one bit. Anne of Cleaves arrived in London in a drawn chariot

flanked by 100 horsemen, wearing livery embroidered with golden lions. Anne was escorted to a massive pavilion with lit fires inside, where she was dressed in a gold gown with a round skirt, in the Dutch fashion, and given a round pearl bonnet to set atop her head. As for Henry, when she arrived,

he played the part of the loving groom perfectly, smiling and extending his arms and kissing her in welcome. But as soon as the pageant was over, he turned to Cromwell. Get me out of this marriage. he said. But it was too late. The wheels of diplomacy had already been set into motion. If Henry were to reject Anne at this point, he would anger not only Anne and her powerful family, but all of their allies across Germany, especially if he was rejecting her for no good reason. Cromwell, for his part, tried his best. Back when Anne had been ten, she had been temporarily

engaged to the Duke of Lorraine. If she was pre-contracted, that would void the marriage arrangement with Henry. The ambassador from Cleves was confused when Cromwell brought it up to him. She was a child then, he said. It was before the age of consent. No one actually believes it was a legitimate engagement. Cromwell knew that well enough. But still, Cromwell had the confused and scrambling ambassador from Cleves

agreed to send for the proper paperwork back in Germany that would prove that Anne was completely free and clear to marry Henry, as everyone knew. The two were married. On January 6th, 1540, the 48-year-old King Henry VIII got married for the fourth time to Anne of Cleaves.

She wore her long blonde hair loose beneath a golden cornet, set with jewels and fresh sprigs of rosemary. That evening, they were ceremonially put to bed, so that the pair might conceive another son for Henry, a little Duke of York. They didn't. Henry, how do I put this?

Couldn't sail his boat without a stiff breeze. Young virginal Anne, who had only been instructed with the vaguest possible descriptions of what was expected of her, just spent the night asleep next to her new husband. The next morning, Henry confirmed, confronted Cromwell. I like her not before, but now I like her much less. He consulted his doctors about his sexual problems while making it very clear to anyone who would listen that it was

not his fault. I mean, I saw the way her breasts and her belly sagged, Henry said. She probably wasn't even a virgin. Henry made sure that the doctors wrote down that it wasn't his fault. He wasn't impotent. He had two missions in the night in his sleep. Doctors advised that he take a night off from trying. And so on the third night, he once again went to Anne's bed, where he once again failed to consummate the union. No virgin has breasts like that, Henry said. That has to be a good enough reason to get this marriage annulled, right? What more proof could I possibly need? Also, she smells. To make matters worse, the Franco-imperial threat that Cromwell had warned about never actually materialized, which meant that this diplomatic marriage, which had seemed so

important, was now basically worthless. Though Anne was still in the slow process of learning English, it was abundantly clear that Henry wasn't pleased with her. He kissed her good morning and good night and came to her bedroom, but his increasing chill was obvious. in any language. Anne began wearing a French hood, like the kind that Anne Boleyn used to wear, one that showed off her beautiful blonde hair, but Henry paid her no attention. He much preferred flirting with the very young Catherine Howard, a very pretty teenager who, like the late Anne Boleyn, was a niece of the powerful Duke of Norfolk. When it was time for Anne of Cleves to establish her own household at Greenwich, all of her ladies were,

and waiting were Henry's choice. Anne requested that one of the ladies be Catherine Beset, the daughter of Lord Liesel, who had been so warm and hospitable to her during her two weeks stay in Calais, but Henry rejected the proposition, not attractive enough. If he was going to have to be married to an ugly wife, he at least wanted to be surrounded by attractive ladies in waiting. Of course, Catherine Howard was given a position. Outside the bedroom, Anne of Cleaves was finding that she was good at being queen, and she was, for the most part, enjoying it. Though she had been Catholic,

of course she converted to Anglicanism when she married Henry, the reformers loved her. And the people loved her, mostly because she wasn't that social-climbing little nobody, Catherine Howard, who seemed to be monopolizing all of the king's attention. Everyone seemed to find Anne of Cleves charming, everyone except her husband. Even after three wives, one thing remained consistent about Henry VIII.

When he was done with a woman, he wanted her out of sight so he didn't have to deal with her himself. Late in the spring, just months after their wedding, Anne got word that Henry wanted her household moved to Richmond. Far from the plague in London, she was told. It was a thin excuse. I'm going the way of Catherine of Arrigan. she told one of her ladies. He's disposing of me. What power did she have to stop him?

She was in a foreign country where she didn't speak the language and had no power. Her brother seemed very far away. And anyway, she believed it was her fault. If she had been able to consummate the marriage with Henry, none of this would be happening.

In the middle of the night, on June 24th, a messenger arrived, and an interpreter delivered the news to Anne that the king was beginning an investigation to determine whether or not their marriage was valid. With extraordinary composure, Anne signed the request, Anna, daughter of Cleves, thanked the man, and went about her business. Her confusion, her shame, her hurt, her fear, all of that was dealt with privately. Cromwell knew he was hanging on by a thin rope.

After all, the marriage to Anne of Cleves had, been his idea all along, and now it was a disaster. He needs to figure out a way to give the king the divorce he wanted and fast. During the investigation, two of Anne's ladies testified. They had talked with the brand-new queen a few weeks after her wedding, and inquired as to whether a little prince might be on the way. According to them, Anne said that the king kissed her good-night and fell asleep, and then in the morning bid her farewell. Anne had looked at the ladies with wide doe eyes. That's enough, right?

She asked. That story became the gossip of court, repeated endlessly until ultimately it became an anecdote of history to prove that Anne of Cleves was not only a virgin, but so innocent that she didn't even know what the act of sex was.

The truth of it was those two ladies were trying to tell Henry's commission what they wanted to hear, proof that the marriage was never consummated. Anyway, Anne wasn't nearly fluent in English at that point. If that private conversation had taken place, it would have been a comedy of confusion on both sides. Henry's Assembly of Clergymen examined the charges,

first that Anne of Cleaves had already been betrothed, second that the wedding was never consummated, but of course not because Henry was impotent. And third, that Henry had never consented to the marriage. I mean, yes, they said, He consented in his manner and fashion of behavior, but inside, inside he was troubled. On July 7th, the marriage was deemed invalid. Anne received the news with genuine grace.

After the trouble Catherine of Aragon had given him, Henry was so relieved that Anne wasn't going to put up a fight that he granted her an extremely generous settlement. two palaces, a large annual income, furniture, lands, a household. Anne had only one request that her former stepdaughter Elizabeth might be allowed to visit her every once in a while, and Henry gladly accepted. Of course, he wrote, I know how this annulment pains her, considering the great love and affection which she seems to have for my person. Henry did require one thing of Anne that caused her to struggle.

to write a letter to her brother, telling him of the new arrangement so that he wouldn't be angry at Henry. Anne swallowed the humiliation and wrote that her body remained in the same integrity with which she brought it to England and that the king had, quote, kindly adopted her as his beloved sister.

She asked her brother to treat Henry with kindness and told him that she would be staying in England as required by the terms of their settlement. Anne's family privately was of course outraged. Her sister always continued to refer to her as the Queen of England, and they never blamed her. Everyone knew what a nightmare Henry was when it came to women. And from the people of England,

there came a massive outpouring of public sympathy towards the woman jilted for a teenage would-be mistress. With marriage behind them and the pressures of the wedding bed gone, Henry and Anne's relationship vastly improved, especially once Anne became fluent enough in English for the pair to talk and realized they actually had a lot in common. Anne lived happily enough, making a mini-Germany of her household, and, according to one observer, wearing new dresses every day.

About a year after little Catherine Howard, former Lady in Waiting, became queen, Anne of Cleaves came to Hampton Court for New Year's. Catherine was terrified and insecure, unsure what the protocol was for a former queen to come and greet her. But Anne of Cleaves was Grace itself. She brought a New Year's gift of horses for the couple and greeted Catherine with a deep bow. Henry came in, kissed Anne, and the three of them had what was, by all accounts, the least awkward dinner among exes in history. Still gracious as she was, Anne was still.

a little secretly pleased to hear about Catherine's fall. Anne even thought that maybe she would get a second chance at being queen. Now that he had gotten his fling out of the way, maybe Henry would want to remarry her. But unfortunately, that hope was dashed. Anne's former stepdaughter, Mary Tudor, came to visit Anne at Richmond, but had to leave suddenly. Anne found out why, two weeks later, when Henry came by to tell her that he had gotten married to a woman named Catherine Parr. Anne never married again.

In her mind, she was always still married to Henry VIII. After his death, she even briefly tried to overturn the annulment ruling to make her settlement more generous, but the council of the brand-new young King Edward didn't bite. With Henry's death and status was reduced from that of the king's sister to the king's aunt. So although she lived comfortably, her position was still limited.

especially when her brother lost his lands to the Holy Roman Emperor, which meant that even if she wanted to give up her English property, she wouldn't be able to return home. No, for the last decades of her life, Anne's real family was the household she maintained. They became her friends and confidants. And when Anne finally died, age 41, she left generous gifts to the poor surrounding her properties and to her entire household staff.

In her will, she referred to them all by name, an extraordinary gesture of the charm and kindness that hadn't won over a king, but managed to win over everyone else. That's the story of Anne of Cleave's brief marriage to Henry VIII, but stick around after a sponsor break for a little bit more about the marriage's consequences. What's up, everyone? I'm Ego Vodom. My next guest, you know from Step Brothers Anchorman, Saturday night. Live and the Big Money Players Network. It's Will Farrell. Woo. Woo. Woo. My dad gave me the best advice ever. I went and had lunch with them one day.

And I was like, and Dad, I think I want to really give this a shot. I don't know what that means, but I just know the groundlings. I'm working my way up through and I know it's a place that come look for up and coming talent. He said, if it was based solely on talent, I wouldn't worry about you, which is really sweet. He goes, but there's so much luck involved. and he's like just give it a shot he goes but if you ever reach a point where you're banging your head against the wall and it doesn't feel fun anymore it's okay to quit if you saw it written down it would not be an inspiration it would not be on a calendar of you know the cat just hang in there yeah it would not be right it wouldn't be that there's a lot of luck yeah listen to thanks dad on the iHeart radio app

Apple Podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts. What's up, everyone? I'm Ago Vodam. My next guest, you know from Step Brothers Anchorman, Saturday Night Live, and the Big Money Players Network. It's Will Ferrell. My dad gave me the best advice ever. I went and had lunch with them one day, and I was like, and Dad, I think I want to really

give this a shot. I don't know what that means, but I just know the groundlings. I'm working my way up through, and I know it's not. place they come look for up and coming talent. He said, if it was based solely on talent, I wouldn't worry about you, which is really sweet. Yeah. He goes, but there's so much luck involved. And he's like, just give it a shot.

He goes, but if you ever reach a point where you're banging your head against the wall and it doesn't feel fun anymore, it's okay to quit. If you saw it written down, it would not be an inspiration. It would not be on a calendar of, you know, the cat. Just hang in there. Yeah, it would not be. Right, it wouldn't be that. There's a lot of luck. Listen to Thanks Dad on the IHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.

Anne managed to get out of her marriage to King Henry the 8th with her head. But the same wasn't true for Thomas Cromwell, Henry's former chief minister. Cromwell had been the one who pushed Henry into the marriage with Anne, who told him that France and the Holy Roman Emperor were going to, forage an alliance, and Cromwell had maybe overplayed Anne's beauty to make sure that Henry accepted the match. While the council was examining the validity of Henry's marriage to Anne of Cleves in the summer of 1540, Cromwell was thrown into the Tower of London. Cromwell was beheaded, without a trial, on charges of treason, to the delight of his political enemies. There's

always a cost for a bad marriage with Henry the 8th. Noble Blood is a production of I-Heart Radio and Grim and Mild from Aaron Manky. Noble Blood is hosted by me, Dana Schwartz, with additional writing and research by Hannah Johnston, Hannah Zwick, Courtney Sender, Amy Height, and Julia Milani. The show is edited and produced by Jesse Funk, with supervising producer Rima Il-Kaalli, and executive producers Aaron Manky, Trevor Young, and Matt Frederick. For more podcasts from IHeartRadio, visit the IHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen to your favorite shows. What's up, everyone? I'm Ego Vodom. My next guest, it's Will Ferrell.

Woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo. My dad gave me the best advice ever. He goes, just give it a shot. But if you ever reach a point where you're banging your head against the wall and it doesn't feel fun anymore, It's okay to quit. If you saw it written down, it would not be an inspiration. It would not be on a calendar of, you know, the cat. Just hang in there. Yeah, it would not be.

Right, it wouldn't be that. There's a lot of luck. Listen to Thanks Dad on the IHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. This is an IHeart podcast. Guaranteed Human.