Noble Blood - More Blood Than You Can Drink

Episode Date: April 1, 2025

Cyrus the Great of Persia wanted to conquer the Massengetae people and, through cunning, he killed the son of their warrior-queen, Tomyris. It was a bad move. Support Noble Blood: — Bonus episodes, stickers, and scripts on Patreon— Noble Blood merch— Order Dana's book, 'Anatomy: A Love Story' and its sequel 'Immortality: A Love Story'See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

This is an I-heart podcast. Guaranteed Human. What's up, everyone? I'm Ago Vodam. My next guest, it's Will Ferrell. Woo, woo, woo, woo. My dad gave me the best advice ever. He goes, just give it a shot.

But if you ever reach a point where you're banging your head against the wall and it doesn't feel fun anymore, it's okay to quit. If you saw it written down, it would not be an inspiration. It would not be on a calendar of, you know, The cat, just hang in there. Yeah, it would not be. Right, it wouldn't be that. There's a lot of luck.

Listen to Thanks, Dad, on the IHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Welcome to Noble Blood, a production of IHeart Radio and grim and mild from Aaron Manky. Listener discretion advised. Imagine an ancient battlefield littered with the carnage of the aftermath of a great battle. One side has emerged as victorious. and now the slow, arduous task of inventorying the corpses has begun. Time for the victors to take stock of what has been lost and what has been gained. But there's something unusual in this scene, a woman walking among the bodies.

Judging by the way the survivors defer to her, it's pretty obvious that she's their ruler, a warrior queen. In her hand, she clutches. a bag, a simple wine skin made of leathered animal hide. At first glance you might think she's brought libations to toast her army's

victory, but you would be very wrong. In the bag is a severed head, and it's not the head of some random soldier. This head belonged to her sworn enemy, who also happened to be the

most powerful man in that part of the world. That head which once devised brilliant strategies and conquered dynasties, was now reduced to sloshing around in a bag filled with the blood of his fellow fallen soldiers. If you're a little tired of before he cheats as a female rage anthem, I will direct you toward another innovator in the field of revenge. This is the story of Tomiris, the warrior queen who brought down an empire builder,

who avenged her son's death and who made sure her enemy got exactly what she promised. It's also one of history's most spectacular examples of messing with the wrong woman. I'm Dana Schwartz, and this is Noble Blood. The majority of what we know about Tomiris comes from the writings of Herodotus, the Greek historian and geographer writing in 5th century BC. Herodotus is known as the father of history for an approach that combined rigorous documentation with cultural context and human observation.

One important thing to note is that in terms of sources, Herodotus isn't exactly peer-reviewed. We're dealing with bias and also the possibility of outright fabrication, given that we don't know where he got his information. And as with many ancient stories, this one would not pass the Bechtel test, but it's still a hell of a ride. Little is known about Tamiris's husband, only that he was king of the Massingadi, a nomadic warrior tribe who lived for centuries around the steps of Central Asia. The Massengetti rode horses and worshipped the sun, and they were notable for their progressive views on women.

It makes sense that when Tamiris's husband died, she would take over the throne and rule, the Confederation in his place. In their world, a warrior queen was just as good as a warrior king. But to outside forces, that progress looked a lot like opportunity. Cyrus the Second of Persia, or Cyrus the Great, as he's generally known, was an immensely powerful force in the region, and the architect of what would become the Persian Empire. He was a clever military strategist, who won many challenging campaigns and a voracious conqueror. Expansion at all costs was his primary objective.

We can also probably imagine that he was a man who didn't like being told no. After all, he overthrew his own grandfather to claim his throne. When Cyrus set his sights on the Massengetti, he saw opportunity. The tribe lived on the other side of the Araxas River, and conquering their territory would set up the Persian Empire for even more expansion.

The barbarian horse people with a female leader seemed like an easy target. Considering the campaigns he'd won in the past, Cyrus had no reason to doubt his success would only continue. He hadn't anticipated that the widowed warrior queen would turn out to be the most formidable opponent he had ever faced. the opponent who would lead to his ultimate death. But as I said, to Cyrus, this whole thing seemed like a layup. Besides, he was single, Tomiris was single. They would get married and Cyrus would get control of the Massingetti.

It's an easy, non-hostile takeover. But Tomiris saw through his plan and turned down his offer of marriage. And that's when things really started to head south. If you think men today don't like being rejected, Imagine how well it went over with someone who collected empires like Pokemon cards. Cyrus would later be praised for a ruling style that actually employed a fair amount of autonomy among his subjects. But when it came to Tamiris, he wouldn't take no for an answer. If he couldn't conquer the Massingetti by marriage, the easy way, he would have to do it the old-fashioned way.

Sources differ on whether or not Cyrus actually declared war on the same. the Massingetti. But whether or not he made it official, when his army began building a bridge that would carry his men across the Araxas River and into Massengetti territory, there was no question of his intentions. Tomaris sent word to him, advising him to call off his attack, basically employing the You-Do-you and I'll-do-me approach. But of course, Cyrus was not content to let her be the one that got away. Instead, he decided to enter the territory and enter what we might call today the F-around and find-out stage. After dismissing Tomiris's warning, Cyrus went to the root of many modern-day toxic men

who blame not getting what they want on women, quote, not liking nice guys. Although a brief note, Cyrus was never a nice guy. but if Tamiris wouldn't give him her kingdom as a wedding gift, he would just have to take it by force. Cyrus was advised by others not to cross the Araxes and put his army in foreign territory. Instead, he was counseled to let the Messengetti come to him, giving him the home advantage. That was sound reasoning, but he quickly discarded it. At the time, Cyrus's most trusted advice came from an unusual source. Cresus, the former king of Lydia, of richer than Cresus fame.

Cresus actually became Cyrus's subject after the Persians conquered Lydia several years earlier. Despite defeating Cresus in battle, Cyrus leaned on him for advice and appreciated the man's aggressively old-school stance on things like women in power. He wasn't a fan. Cresus urged Cyrus to bring the fight to Tumyrus. Whether he was still stinging from the rejection of his marriage proposal or just itching for a good fight, Cyrus took Cresus' advice and decided to attack the Messengeti on their own turf. Cyrus invaded, but after crossing the river,

they were quickly defeated by Tumiris' army. The Persian army retreated, and Cresis helped Cyrus formulate. a new plan, one that wouldn't rely on physical domination at all. Like other local tribes at the time, the Massengetti were milk drinkers. Their intoxicants of choice were cannabis and fermented mares milk. They had no experience with and therefore no tolerance for wine. That inspired a diabolically clever maneuver that would be the beginning of the end for Cyrus. According to to Herodotus' account, Cyrus had a large banquet set up under Persian tents. It was a sumptuous feast

with plenty of strong wine. Then Cyrus and his men withdrew, leaving the banquet intact, with the implication that surely the Persian army had quickly retreated and left all of their goodies behind. With that, the trap was set. The Massengetti army, led by Tomiris' son, came upon the and discovered what appeared to be an abandoned feast. Naturally, the warriors dug in and helped themselves to everything they found. The wine flowed freely, and the warriors soon discovered that they had no tolerance for this stuff. The entire contingent quickly fell into a drunken stupor. Little did they know that they had walked right into Cyrus's trap.

As soon as the Massengetti were incapacitated, the Persian army descended. The previously fearsome warriors became sitting ducks, and they were quickly slaughtered by the invading army. It was a brilliant plan that exploited the differences in their cultures and allowed for an easy victory for Cyrus. Tomiris' son was taken alive, but he wouldn't remain that way for long. Once the young prince was able to sober up and realize what had happened to his fellow soldiers, the magnitude of the situation was clear. As it's setting, in that he had led his men directly to their own slaughter, the shame became unbearable. Unable to picture a world where he could go back and face his mother, he took his own life.

Other sources have Cyrus killing Tomiris' son himself, but any way you look at it, the blame for the young man's death rested squarely on Cyrus. Naturally, when Tomiris found out what happened, her rage was all concerned. She sent Cyrus a barn burner of a message that was the tonal opposite of her polite first morning. This one was glutton for blood. Your weapon was red wine, which you Persians drink until you are so crazy that shameful words float on the liquor's fumes. This was the poison you used to destroy my army and my son. Leave my land now, or I swear by the sun, I will give you more blood, than you can drink. Of course, Cyrus did not retreat, and the warrior queen made good on her threat.

What followed was an epically destructive fight between the Persians and the Messengetti, so brutal that it was described by Herodotus as the fiercest battle among barbarians in the ancient world. Fighting began at long range with bows and arrows. Then things got up close and personal, with spear and dagger work that put on vivid display the full force of the Massengetti fighting prowess. The Massengetti didn't just defeat Cyrus's forces. They destroyed them. When the battle ended, Cyrus the Great himself lay dead on the battlefield. But Tomiris wasn't finished. The warrior queen had one final move to make, and this one was grotesquely literal. She searched among the fallen Persian soldiers until she found Cyrus's corpse.

She ordered his head to be chopped off. Then she dropped Cyrus's head into a wineskin full of blood that had been collected from his men. As she did this, she cried, drink your fill of blood. Was dunking the dead king's head in his own soldier's blood overkill? some might say yes, but the wrath of a grieving mother is not a thing to underestimate. Cyrus the Great, who had built an empire through conquest and clever strategy, met his end at the hands of a woman he had underestimated. Tamiris proved that defying her warnings carried severe consequences,

and that men didn't have a monopoly on rage. I think we can all agree that in modern terms, carrying your enemy's decapitated head around in a wine bag full of his own soldier's blood is about as F around and find out as you can get. Little is known about Tomiris's life following her victory over Cyrus, but her actions in that battle were enough to gain her a good amount of notoriety throughout the centuries. Tomiris became part of a popular artistic theme of celebrating powerful female figures who triumphed over men. women like Tomiris or like Judith over Holofernes.

Tomiris was especially popular during the Renaissance when European artists and writers couldn't get enough of her story. They were, of course, especially fond of depicting the final gruesome moment with Cyrus's head and the blood-filled wine skin. One particularly notable work was a fresco by the Renaissance painter Andrea del Castagnos, which was discovered in Florence in 1847. Among the nine larger-than-life figures portrayed, Tomiris stands proudly alongside literary giants like Dante and Petrart.

The partially worn inscription beneath her feet celebrated two of her key achievements, avenging her son and deliberating her people. We can assume that showboating with her enemy's decapitated head was a third unspoken highlight. But Tomiris was not just a renaissance fascination. Ancient writers couldn't get enough of her story either. She represented something unique, a woman who defeated the most powerful man of her time in battle.

She was both a grieving mother seeking vengeance and a fierce warrior queen protecting her people. That duality made for an iconic figure whose legacy would stand the test of time. Today, Tamiris lives on across Central. Asia. She's claimed as a national heroine by multiple countries, including Azerbaijan, Uzbekistan, Kazakhstan, and regions of Western Turkey. In those areas, the name Tomiris remains popular among young girls, a badass namesake and testament to her influence. Kazakhstan even issued coins bearing her image, cementing her place in modern cultural memory. As with many ancient historical figures, separating fact from legend in Tamir's story can be challenging.

But perhaps the exact details matter less in this case than what her story represents. She was a powerful woman who refused to be conquered, either by marriage or by force, who protected her people's sovereignty at all costs, and who proved that, when push comes to shove, women can act just as unhinged and violent as men can. That's the legend of Tomiris, but keep listening after a brief sponsor break to hear a little bit about how a new discovery shed light on her story. What's up, everyone? I'm Ago Wodom. My next guest, you know from Step Brothers Anchorman, Saturday Night Live and the Big Money Players Network. It's Will Ferrell. My dad gave me the best advice ever. I went and had lunch with him one day, and I was like, and Dad, I think I want to really. really give this a shot. I don't know what that means, but I just know the groundlings. I'm working

my way up through, and I know it's a place that come look for up and coming talent. He said, if it was based solely on talent, I wouldn't worry about you, which is really sweet. He goes, but there's so much luck involved. And he's like, just give it a shot. He goes, but if you ever reach a point where you're banging your head against the wall and it doesn't feel fun anymore, it's okay to quit. If you saw it written down, it would not be an inspiration. It would not be on a calendar of, you know, the cat, just hang in there. Yeah, it would not be. Right, it wouldn't be that.

There's a lot of luck. Listen to Thanks Dad on the IHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcast. What's up, everyone? I'm Ago Wodem. My next guest, you know from Stepbrothers, Anchorman, Saturday Night Live, and the Big Money Players Network. It's Will Ferrell.

Woo. Woo. My dad gave me the best advice ever. I went and had lunch with him one day. And I was like, and dad, I think I want to really give this a shot. I don't know what that means, but I just know the groundlings. I'm working my way up through, and I know it's a place that come look for up and coming talent. He said, if it was based solely on talent, I wouldn't worry about you, which is really sweet.

Yeah. He goes, but there's so much luck involved. And he's like, just give it a shot. He goes, but if you ever reach a point where you're banging your head against the wall and it doesn't feel fun anymore, it's okay to quit. If you saw it written down, it would not be an inspiration. It would not be on a calendar of, you know, the cat. Just hang in there. Yeah, it would not be.

Right, it wouldn't be that. There's a lot of luck. Listen to Thanks Dad on the IHeart Radio app, Apple Podcast, or wherever you get your podcasts. In 2010, an archaeological discovery in northern Kazakhstan sparked new interest in Tomiris' story. Researchers uncovered what they called the Golden Warrior Tomb, dating back to somewhere between the 7th and 4th centuries BC. The burial site was a treasure trove containing a body adorned in gold and surrounded by more than 100 precious objects, including one ornate Tiger Griffin figure, bronze area,

arrowheads and decorated sword belts. Initially, experts identified the skeleton as belonging to a middle-aged man, but subsequent analysis has left the question of gender open. Some have speculated that this could be the tomb of Tomiris herself, although that remains purely conjecture. What's particularly interesting is that this discovery isn't isolated. A similar Saka grave found in 2013, contained the remains of a tall woman wearing a golden, pointed hat and elaborate jewelry, proving that powerful women were indeed honored with magnificent burials in this region and era. Whether or not one of those tombs belonged to Tomiris, it's undeniable that the power of her story lives on.

The warrior queen of the Massengetti exists in a space between history and legend, fact and interpretation. But what remains across centuries and cultures is how irresistible that story is. What's not to love about a story of resistance, revenge, and, let's face it, the ultimate accessory? Here's a free idea for any fashion designers out there, a Tomiris handbag, head not included. Noble Blood is a production of I-Heart Radio and Grimm and Mild from Aaron Manky. Noble Blood is hosted by me, Dana Schwartz, with additional writing and research by Hannah Johnston, Hannah Zwick, Courtney Sender, Amy Height, and Julia Milani. The show is edited and produced by Jesse Funk, with supervising producer Rima Il Kali, and executive producers Aaron Manke, Trevor Young, and Matt Frederick. For more podcasts from IHeartRadio, visit the IHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen to

to your favorite shows. What's up, everyone? I'm Ego Vodam. My next guest, it's Will Ferrell. Woo, woo, woo, woo, woo. My dad gave me the best advice ever. He goes, just give it a shot. But if you ever reach a point

where you're banging your head against the wall and it doesn't feel fun anymore, it's okay to quit. If you saw it written down, it would not be an inspiration. It would not be on a calendar of, you know, the cat, just hang in there. Yeah, it would not be.

be right it wouldn't be that there's a lot of luck yeah listen to thanks dad on the iHeart radio app apple podcast or wherever you get your podcasts this is an iHeart podcast guaranteed human