Noble Blood - Noble Steed

Episode Date: December 10, 2024

The "fun fact" that Caligula tried to appoint his horse to the senate is a classic example of an emperor gone mad with power. The truth is, his appointment was likely a pointed political joke. But who was the horse at the center of it all? Support Noble Blood:  — Bonus episodes, stickers, and scripts on Patreon — Noble Blood merch — Order Dana's book, 'Anatomy: A Love Story' and its sequel 'Immortality: A Love Story'See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

This is an I-heart podcast. Guaranteed Human. What's up, everyone? I'm Ago Vodam. My next guest, it's Will Ferrell. Woo, woo, woo, woo. My dad gave me the best advice ever. He goes, just give it a shot.

But if you ever reach a point where you're banging your head against the wall and it doesn't feel fun anymore, it's okay to quit. If you saw it written down, it would not be an inspiration. It would not be on a calendar of, you know, The cat, just hang in there. Yeah, it would not be. Right, it wouldn't be that. There's a lot of luck.

Listen to Thanks, Dad, on the IHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Welcome to Noble Blood, a production of IHeart Radio and grim and mild from Aaron Manky. Listener discretion advised. It was a celebratory night in Rome in 39 AD. Dignitaries were arriving at the new Glitzy Palace. The wine was flowing freely, and the night's guest of honor was getting his final touch-ups. He was dressed in exquisite royal purple, a jewel-studded collar glistening around his long regal neck. Though this famed individual was not fluent in the tongues spoken by his team of servants,

he was a keen observer of body language, and from their meticulous combing of his magnificent mane of hair, he could sense that something was special that night. As the particularly raucous din of the commencing banquet echoed through the marble halls, the guest of honor couldn't hold it in any longer. He let out a curious winnie, because the VIP of this party, in Katatus, was not a normal ruler or aristocrat. He was not a normal ruler or aristocrat. he was a horse. Many horses would spook when walking into such an uproarious dinner party such as this one, but not in katatus. After all, this was his house. The event was taking place at the grand palatial stables, which had been built in his honor, and he had hosted numerous events where members of the emperor's

inner circle gorged themselves and toasted him with golden goblets. Even the scents of many guests, especially the renowned chariot drivers, were thoroughly familiar to Incatotus due to all of his time spent competing at the track. The champion horse took his customary place, and even the meal served to him in his carved ivory manger was of no surprise. Barley mixed with gold again. As Inkatatus began to happily munch away, there was a stir of excitement. The architect of that night's event had arrived, an individual who happened to be the most powerful man in the realm, a monarch whose notorious reign would captivate historians for millennia to come, and who would be consistently referenced, at times misguidedly, as a classic

example of imperial madness. This man was Caligula, Emperor of Rome. Incatatus looked up and snorted amicably because to him, this pale, slightly balding young human, dressed in silk and finery, was simply his biggest fan. Caligula raised his goblet and, with a devious glint in his eye, made a surprise announcement. He planned to name Incitatus to the highest office any Roman politician could hold, that of Consul. Incatus understood none of the proclamation itself, because, again, he was a horse, but judging by the spirited applause and mirthful hysterics of all of his bipedal dining companions,

whatever his main human had just done, must have been pretty startling. I'm Dana Schwartz, and this is Noble Blood. When examining the life of Incitatus, Caligula's favorite horse, it's hard to find impartial, unexaggerated accounts, especially since all of the early records we rely upon come from humans. These historians and biographers certainly had the benefit of written language and opposable thumbs, but as many scholars have argued, they often should. showed ample bias in covering controversial figures like Caligula,

and he was a member of their own species. So lacking any unbiased horse historians to provide first-hoof insights into the equine experience during the Roman Empire, it's worth putting on blinders to some of the more sensationalist versions of these events, as well as acknowledging our very human tendency to want to anthropomorphize animal subjects. So I apologize in advance for that and for all of the horse puns to come. All of that said, Inkatus was surely the most lovable young steed

who just wanted to be a good horse and run really fast. We don't have many clear records about his early life or pedigree, but based on what we know of the massive popularity and overall industry of horse racing during this era, we can place a few confident bets. Incitatis was born sometime in the early first century AD and likely either spent his culthood years on a stud farm run by one of the corporations that backed

the four main chariot racing factions or teams, the greens, whites, reds, and blues, or he was bought at a horse sale by one of the faction's agents who was seeking out fast stallions. Then it was literally off to the races, as Incitatus would have traveled by ship to train at a racing facility, known as a hippodrome or circus. There are different accounts of how Incatatus got his name, which essentially translates to Speedy, but one thing is clear, he lived up to it. Incitatus reved his mighty horsepower so triumphantly for the Greens

that he won the love of the faction's most influential supporter and all-around horse guy, Caligula. Caligula was actually a nickname that Gaius Julius Caesar Germanicus received as a child that meant little boot. Those around him refrain from publicly referring to him, by the playful, belittling nickname while he was emperor, feeling harsh punishment. But since Caligula is how he's most commonly remembered by the world today, I'll continue to refer to him as such just for clarity.

Growing up, Caligula suffered from several ailments, seemingly including what we might now identify as epilepsy, and he was, by many accounts, unathletic. But despite that, or perhaps because of it, horse racing and spectating played an out-size role in his short but dramatic rule. In 37 AD, Caligula became emperor at age 25, and he quickly increased the number of Ludi or public games based around religious festivals that featured spectacles like beast hunts, gladiatorial contests, and Caligula's favorite, chariot races. Chariot racing was a must-see sport of the era, with successful drivers and horses ascending to superstardom.

Unlike previous emperors who mostly used such games to boost their public image, Caligula's fandom was so fierce that it veered into unbridled obsession. Caligula's favorite races showcased the quadrigal, over four-horse chariot, where the left inside horse was the most esteemed since it had to navigate the tightest turns. So given in Katatus's celebrity status, that was most likely his racing position. We don't have official surviving stats, but considering the best chariot horse's success rates at that time, it's likely that in Katatus would have had over 100 race wins to his name.

Incitatus must have been head and crest above the four-legged field because not only did Caligula construct grand stables for him, he'd send soldiers to silence the neighborhood the night before races so that Incatatus could sleep peacefully. Caligula also commissioned an entire private hippodrome so that he could personally race chariots with his preferring. thoroughbred. The two rode together, they dined together, and they partied together. But it wasn't all fun and horse racing games for Incatatus. Escalating tensions and treacherous

plots soon threatened to hobble his uniquely privileged lifestyle. The games themselves involved plenty of scandals. Caligula was rumored to have poisoned competing factions. He was also also said to have gotten jealous of the fame of some chariot drivers and even reportedly ran one over in a chariot at his private hippodrome, although it's uncertain, if it happened, whether it was an accident or a purposeful act of cruelty. For his part, Incatatus was never directly implicated as having a hoof in any of that foul play. Likewise, while it's possible that in Katatus' horse teammates and opponents might have become jealous of all of the attention and food given to him, if indeed horses can experience jealousy, there's no evidence that they plotted against him. Historically, these hierarchical horse disputes were typically settled through quick and simple physical displays of dominance, such as biting, pushing, and threatening to kick. The real herd to watch out for was the human aristocracy. Caligula's relationship grew increasingly strained,

with the Senate and all its prominent politicians desperately jockeying for position. This escalated partway through 39 AD when a group of aristocrats, senators, the sitting consuls, and even Caligula's sisters, took part in a conspiracy against him. the stakes could not have been higher for Incatatus as well. If his main benefactor was put out to pasture, or worse, Incatatus would lose his fancy stables, his private hippodrome access, and being so closely affiliated with the targeted empire, possibly even his life.

Fortunately for Incatatos, that dire plot ultimately went belly up. But according to some historians, it served as a critical turning point in Caligula's reign and his relationship with his favorite horse. Early biographers recounted rumors of Caligula taking part in debached orgies, in incestuous acts, and even drinking pearls dissolved in vinegar. But these are mostly unsubstantiated,

although the practice of drinking pearls has been noted in other ancient histories, attributed most famously to Cleopatra and Mark Antony. To be clear, Caligula absolutely compiled a grim resume of punishing and executing opponent over time. But even his detractors seem to mostly agree that his governing style was less contentious during his first two years as emperor. But the apparent conspiracy and number of people clearly champing at the bit, to betray Caligula changed things. Rather than reign in his imperial impulses, Caligula sought to humiliate senators and aristocrats in any ways he could. Some methods were simple. He increasingly

made them greet him as they would a god by performatively and demeaningly prostrating themselves before him. He was also said to have had sexual relationships with many senators' wives. And once again, horse racing factored heavily into his plans. Putting on games was hugely expensive. During festivals, up to 40 races were held in a day. There were monetary prizes, equipment costs, and the upkeep of hundreds of horses. And then there were the shockingly expensive celebratory feasts for both humans and horses. If some accounts, are to be believed, both Caligula and Incitatus ingested literal gold. Caligula made sure to saddle individual senators with this financial burden by maliciously offering them the honor of sponsoring each event.

This effectively muzzled many outspoken politicians, since they couldn't overtly refuse Caligula's calculated slights, especially if they held or wanted to hold a notable position such as consul. In the prior Roman Republic, consuls were essentially the highest elected officials who presided over the Senate. In Caligula's empire, however, the consul was more of an honorific position that he would give to senators, or when he wanted to exert even more control to himself. Or, as legend had it, a position he would offer to his first. favorite racehorse. The two major human sources we look to regarding Caligula's life were both pretty hyperbolic

about his most notorious suggestion for consul. For example, while describing Caligula's love of Incatius, third-century historian Cassius Dio claimed, quote, he swore by the animal's life and fortune and even promised to appoint him console, a promise that he would have carried out if he had lived longer, end quote. However, the general consensus among scholars is that Caligula's plan to name in Katatus counsel was actually all a pointed joke. Although many early biographers cast Caligula as a vile despot, capable of outlandish things, parsing their motives and political circumstances, along with Caligula's pattern of behavior,

the emperor comes off less as a complete raving lunatic and more a deeply paranoid ruler, making spiteful jabs. His jest involving Incutatus had multiple possible layers. First, the idea of making Inkatus the council was likely a basic dig at politicians' competence. Essentially, Caligula was claiming, my horse could do a better job than you. Second, floating such a notion darkly ridiculed

how trivial of a hitching post the position had become. It used to be the pinnacle of a senator's career. And despite the corrupted appointment process, the title still held the previously conferred extra prestige to a politician. But the idea of nominating a horse underlined just how harnessed any prospective consul was by Caligula, by his whims, and by his absolute power. And finally, some key individuals' names might have been relevant to Caligula's joke, especially given how puns and wordplay often factored into the Roman sense of humor. Specifically, a consul candidate at the time was named Assinus Seller, which could be crudely translated into swift ass. So a quip about Caligula appointing Incitatus may have been a direct

personal insult. His speedy horse was preferable to a swift ass. Ultimately, Incatus never actually became consul. And after a couple more years of bitter and bloody friction, Caligula was finally assassinated by two Praetorian tribunes and a group of Centurians on January 24th, 41 AD. Even in the immediate aftermath of Caligula's death, horse racing came up. When arriving soldiers demanded to know who might replace the deceased Caligula as emperor, the vengeful tribune who was first to stab Caligula, mockingly suggested that they can check in with one of Caligula. Caligula's chariot driver friends as their first choice.

So what became of Incitatus? Accounts are vague. Some say Caligula's successor ordered the horse's execution, although a death doesn't seem to have been confirmed. The relevant economics of the time offer another possibility. Thanks in part to Caligula's constant promotion, chariot racing was as popular as it had ever been. meaning champion horses were of significant breeding value.

So particularly considering how many aristocrats Caligula led to financial ruin, it's not unreasonable to wonder if some entrepreneurial or entitled-feeling individual might have jumped at the opportunity to profit off in Katatus by selling him back to a stud farm. As much as that sounds like a euphemistic way for me to say that, Caligula's favorite pet, went to a farm upstate? There is at least some actual chance that Incatatus did go on to sire a new generation of racehorses. Although Incatatus never actually traded his jeweled collar for the official Toga of the consul, his facetious nomination captured the imagination of plenty of political critics, historians, and horse enthusiasts over subsequent centuries.

In particular, Inkatis's nomination became a go-to reference when calling out political incompetence or madness. For example, a satirical column in a 1742 issue of The London Magazine and Monthly Chronologist, praised Incatus as a wiser minister of the state than the Prime Minister of Great Britain at that time. In a somewhat convoluted response to the American Colonies Declaration of Independence, a British writer also used Caligula trying to make Incitatus a consul as an example of the issues that eventually arise from giving decision-making power to the wrong people. Today, Incatus even has his own Wikipedia page, and Caligula's horse is the name of an Australian progressive metal band.

From a political perspective, the notion of Caligula elevating his horse to a government position is enduringly memorable. But let's not put the chariot before the horse and get so caught up in all of the mocking hypotheticals that we fail to give the stallion at the center of the story his due. What Incatatis did accomplish in his life was still stunning. Sure, many aspects of Incatatis's fate and the reason for his fame, were beyond his control. But on the other hoof, you can lead a horse to water,

but once he sails across that water, it's up to him to excel so remarkably at the hardest position in the most popular sport of the day, to the point that he makes the most die-hard and powerful fan consider spending unprecedented resources on equestrian luxuries, the likes of which that horse's four-footed forebearers never could have imagined. From competing at the vaunted hippodrome to hosting human parties,

there were numerous times when Incitatus could have spooked, balked, or stumbled. But when fear and confusion threatened to get the best of him, Incatis simply said, nay. And I think, in the vein of this podcast, always trying to, for lack of a better word, humanize the figures at the heart of history, it's worth celebrating what a good horse Incatis was. While Incatis never actually made it into the government, he did get another official title.

Caligula actually made Incatatus a priest of his imperial religious cult. This priesthood may have initially spawned similarly pointed jokes about the ineptitude of human priests. But even if partly flippant in nature, in a way this religious appointment still meant more than a political one coming from Caligula. After all, the emperor was consumed with the idea of placing himself among the gods, first as more of a snide prank, but then with increasing sincerity. We may never know if in Katatus himself had any such dreams of divinity while clip-clopping to and from his grand stables, but at least if he ever accompanied his human to a temple ritual, he would have seen a familiar long face, that of Pegasus, the mythical winged steed, who was often depicted in

statue form alongside Jupiter, the king of the gods whom Caligula so desperately wanted to emulate. And in a sense, through his lasting and now fairly infamous legacy, our illustrious, our illustrious horse hero certainly trotted his own way to immortality. That's the story of Incitatus, Caligula's favorite racehorse. But stick around after a brief sponsor break to hear an additional intriguing question about our famous quadruped's political career. What's up, everyone? I'm Ago Vodom. My next guest, you know from Stepbrothers Anchorman, Saturday Night Live, and The Big Money Players Network,

It's Will Farrell My dad gave me the best advice ever I went and had lunch with him one day And I was like And dad I think I want to really give this a shot I don't know what that means But I just know the groundlings I'm working my way up through

And I know it's a place that come Look for up and coming talent He said if it was based solely on talent I wouldn't worry about you Which is really sweet Yeah He goes but there's so much luck involved And he's like

Just give it a shot He goes but if you ever reach a point where you're banging your head against the wall and it doesn't feel fun anymore, it's okay to quit. If you saw it written down, it would not be an inspiration. It would not be on a calendar of, you know, the cat, just hang in there. Yeah, it would not be. Right, it wouldn't be that. There's a lot of luck. Listen to Thanks Dad on the IHeart Radio app, Apple Podcast, or wherever you get your podcast. What's up, everyone? I'm Ego Wodom. My next guest, you know from Step Brothers Anchorman, Saturday Night Live, and the Big Money Players Network.

It's Will Ferrell. Woo, woo, woo, woo. My dad gave me the best advice ever. I went and had lunch with them one day, and I was like, and Dad, I think I want to really give this a shot. I don't know what that means, but I just know the groundlings. I'm working my way up through, and I know it's a place they come look for up and coming talent. He said, if it was based solely on talent, I wouldn't worry about you. which is really sweet.

Yeah. He goes, but there's so much luck involved. And he's like, just give it a shot. He goes, but if you ever reach a point where you're banging your head against the wall and it doesn't feel fun anymore, it's okay to quit. If you saw it written down, it would not be an inspiration. It would not be on a calendar of, you know, the cat. Just hang in there.

Yeah, it would not be. Right, it wouldn't be that. There's a lot of luck. Listen to Thanks Dad on the IHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Despite Incatat's never being a formal consular candidate, some intrigued fans have mused about whether he would have been eligible based on the requirements for Romans to become senators. Per the changes enacted by one of Caligula's predecessors, these minimums included being at least 25 years old, owning property valuing at least one million cestercise, a type of Roman coin,

and having an, quote, unblemished character. Two of those are easy. There appears to be no evidence in Katatu's ever had a criminal record, and his carved marble home was undoubtedly worth well over a mill. The question of his age is a little trickier, as 25 would have been fairly old for a horse, still seemingly close to his prime racing days, although that depends if we're talking human ears or horse ears.

All in all, especially given Caligula's enthusiasm for bucking tradition, these prerequisites would likely have been easy hurdles for Incatatus to clear in his senatorial steeple chase. Noble Blood is a production of I-Heart Radio and Grimm and Mild from Aaron Manky. Noble Blood is hosted by me, Dana Schwartz, with additional writing and research by Hannah Johnston, Hannah Zwick, Courtney Sender, Amy Height, and Julia Melani. The show is edited and produced by Jesse Funk, with supervising producer Rima Il Kali, and executive producers Aaron Manke, Trevor Young, and Matt Frederick. For more podcasts from IHeartRadio, visit the IHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen to to your favorite shows.

What's up, everyone? I'm Ago Vodam. My next guest, it's Will Ferrell. Woo, woo, woo, woo, woo. My dad gave me the best advice ever. He goes, just give it a shot. But if you ever reach a point where you're banging your head against the wall

and it doesn't feel fun anymore, it's okay to quit. If you saw it written down, it would not be an inspiration. It would not be on a calendar of, you know, the cat, just hang in there. Yeah, it would not be. be right it wouldn't be that there's a lot of luck yeah listen to thanks dad on the iHeart radio app

apple podcast or wherever you get your podcasts this is an iHeart podcast guaranteed human